Well, things got even more interesting. But I won't get ahead of myself.

Learning my powers with the help of Russ has been great. He's teaching me to do all kinds of things. Things that I never thought ever possible. Did you know he can vanish into thin air? How cool is that! Though that's not one thing I can do. But it's still so cool that Russ can.

Anyway, he taught me to make flowers and small things move, bloom, wilt, all kinds of stuff. And that's been really fun. I can even make us go places, only the field so far, and it's so pretty there. I think Russ really likes it. Yeah, been really fun. He's also teaching me to channel my powers, which can be so fun with Dirk and Jessie, even Gage, though Gage is much stronger then the others. I can push my powers out to them and whamo, Dirk is just all kinds of, well I won't say. Jessie mainly just gets turned on and lays there like he can't move. Too cute.

I've practiced on a few of the brothers, to Russ' dismay. Not nice to make the straight guys have naughty thoughts about boys. I think it's too funny. They freak out after and rush away from me. Then I have to go say sorry, which I do, cause I don't want to get in trouble with Russ too much. Or Dean. Dean though, I can't do anything to! I was so bummed about that. But I'll leave him alone since I like Rhy and I don't want to make her angry. Still would be funny though.

Now to what happened last night. I'm laying in the couch, probably was about ten or so. Through the door comes this boy. I mean so pretty. Blond, blue eyes, nice body, and lips that I could just die for. And this presence about him, he took my breath away. I knew right away he wasn't human. Just the way he looked at me, and the way he moved.

We said hello to each other, his accent! I could die.. I love it so much. I kept talking to him just to hear him talk and watch those lips move. So, his name is Luke, and he's a vampire I'm pretty sure. I didn't come right out and ask, but he just has that way about him. Not like any others I've met though. And we talked more, but those lips and those teeth, I had to kiss him. But I was so nervous and a blushing mess, that I couldn't. I did ask him to be friends and for us to hang out a lot more, little voice in the back of my head said, yeah, he's mine. I'm not letting anyone else have him. All mine. I know Dirk won't mind, right? The more the better.

I did fall asleep though, since we went up to my room to hang out, and no we didn't do anything, though I would of been more then happy to. I passed out and when I woke up, he was sleeping. And here I am writing in this, looking back over and seeing him sleeping. He's so amazing. I think I'll go snuggle with him. He's a little bit cool to the touch, but I like that. Helps me not to be so warm all the time.


Cole

The club.
I don't even want to talk about it really. I wasn't hurt badly, the guy is dead, I think that's enough to say.

I'm such a wuss. Seems that this keeps happening to me. So much so that they don't like me to go out on my own. Russ came, wanting to show me how to defend myself. And he showed me how to make this nifty little bubble. Like a personal space bubble, pretty cool. I'm practicing it and getting better with it. That's defense. I think he wants to show me also how to attack if needed. I really don't think I'll be attacking anyone, don't really like to hurt people.

Anyway, not much wanting to go on about this stuff.




Last night was much better. I went to the Red Dragon. Didn't think anyone came with me, but Luke wasn't far behind. I don't mind being followed really. I came in and laid on the couch. Made the girl on the other couch laugh a little bit. She was very beautiful. We kept looking at each other and I think Luke sensed it right away. His mood seemed to go down from there.

I'm going to say this. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows that I love to give and get attention. I also like to make people feel good, wanted, happy, all of that. It's just me. When I tried to stop doing that, I wasn't myself anymore. And grumpy gusses sitting there and pouting just won't do. You are who you hang around right? And I am no grumpy guss.

Anyway, her name is Scarlet. She is just the prettiest thing, her hair is so pretty and those lips. She came over and sat next to me. I have to admit I may of been using my power just a tad. Okay, maybe a lot. The result was a kiss, it was short and sweet. If I keep going there and getting kisses from beautiful girls, I can so dig that. I love it. Then she sat next to me for a while and we talked, her and Luke had a bit of a tiff though. I'd draw a smiley with rolling eyes about now.

Jealousy is not a fun emotion. I should know. I've had it plenty and had it directed at me plenty too. But a few kisses and pinched cheeks and I think I got Luke in a better mood, that and when Scarlet left he climbed into my lap. Now here is the thing. I know some people don't like to see boys together. I know that it can make some people uncomfy or not happy, whatever, I do know. And I try not to make it too much. After the fight club, them knowing that I am the way I am, dragging me back to the room and ..... Sad what people will do to others just because they are different or live differently. love differently.

I won't refrain from loving on my lover. I'm not ashamed of who or what I am, but I try not to make it overly so. I hope that makes sense. I'm sure you understand.

On to last night. Lyren and Jade came. Those girls are crazy. Lyren is as sexy as anything and her and Brandon are so hotter then hot together. I finally met her boyfriend and he's hot, hot, hot. Her and him together? Wow, red hot couple, I could just kiss and love on both of them. Jade was with her boyfriend too, they are cute, but like in a naughty way. But Lyren was Nexused out. Poor Brandon was pouting and asked for Jade to give him kitty ears and a tail. I was like what? And she did! I had to touch them, you just don't know how bad I wanted to touch those ears! The moment my fingers touched them, that darn Nexus took me away! I was so upset.

Oh well. I got a small feel of them, so that's cool. Besides, shouldn't be touching someone's boyfriend. Luke was in a much better mood too. I can't figure out why, hmm? Oh yeah, cause Scarlet was gone. I hated that he called her a name. That's not funny, nice, or something I like to be around. I hope she isn't upset. Hope to see her again one day too.

Then we left, waved to all and went home. Crashed on the bed. Luke stayed up for a while, of doing something, I don't know. I laid in the bed at the foot, three pairs of feet. Dirk, Jessie and Gage all laying there, asleep. I tickled all six feet. They woke up, grabbed me and snuggled me till I fell asleep. I can't resist a snuggle and that's the fastest way to calm me down and put me to sleep.

But now it's morning. Luke is asleep. Jessie is asleep. Dirk is running, and Gage is at work.

I'm in one word.. bored.

Cole

Training with Russ has been going on as usual. He's teaching me how to control all of my gifts. Been really nice to do that. I hated being out of control. Wasn't fun for me or anyone else that it affected. Russ has a lot of patience. He's a great brother. We went to a beach, went swimming and I showed him that I can go into the water without breathing, so can he. Very cool.

I'm sorry if I'm writing strange. Things are not so good right now.

I've locked myself in the guest room. Can't look or talk to anybody, at least not a person, I don't mind writing. Honestly it's not so easy to do this either. I write it and it will be true, more true. But it is true. He's leaving. Dumped me.

Love, how can something so amazing be so horrible. And hurt you like nothing else.

He dumped me. Not much to say other then that.

After all this time.

I just can't write anymore, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.


Cole

Dirk came back last night. He had called, told me to go to the front door and there he was. I didn't know what to think, at first I thought I was dreaming. Why would he come back? My first thoughts were that he was just lonely, needed someone. And I always happen to be that someone that he comes running back to when he can't find anyone else, right?

So many thoughts about it all. We spent the night together. I needed to feel again, and I did. Of course I did. Being with him is unlike anything else and it went on for a good hour or so before I finally fell asleep. I hadn't slept for days until then, not a deep sleep. I slept in his arms.

I woke up early though, must of been around 3 a.m. or so. And I panicked. What did I just do? I slept with him and did it all over again. I never said I took him back though, I told the truth, I do love him. He knows that. Everyone knows that. But he left me. He left me and left with my brother. What he did with my brother, I just, I don't know. Hurt knowing that he broke up with me after kissing on my brother. And then even left with him and did things, sexual things with him. Should upset me more then it does, most people tell me. I don't know.

Anyway, I left this morning. I told Jess and Gage I had to go. They understood, Jess even gave me the key to his house, so that's where I am. On Earth, in his cute little beach house. I miss them both already. They said they will visit, won't tell Dirk where I am. If he knows he will probably come for me. Try to talk to me. Get me to take him back. I need time to clear my head. How many times I have already taken him back, you know? I'm hurting too much.

I brought Luke though. Had his coffin, with him in it, brought with me. Gage dropped us off. Both him and Jess told me they loved me. Like I said, I miss them already. I miss Dirk too.

I'm just sitting here trying to figure things out. He left me, and then he comes back begging to come home. I gave him false hope last night, let him have my body, let him kiss me and touch me and I gave it back, all false hope. He will probably wake up and be very sad and upset. I hate hurting him. I really do. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish that someone could tell me what to do sometimes. Be so much easier.

How do I know he won't just leave me again? He's done it so many times I can't even count.

I need time.

Cole

Cole,

I had come looking for you, we really needed to talk. But you were in the shower and I didn't want to disturb you. Not from the sounds in there anyway. I found this and read your last entry. I knew this was coming. I just wish you would have talked to me more about things.

I'm sorry that I wasn't man enough to be what you needed and wanted. I tried, Cole I tried with every part of me to be what you wanted me to be. I'm sorry I failed you. I love you so much.

You are right in what you said about us drifting apart. I could feel it, you could feel it. We were fighting a losing battle. I hate to say it, but it's true. One thing is certain, I'll never stop loving you.

I'm not going to stay where I'm not wanted. Between Gage's silence, Jessie's dirty looks, your absence, what is left for me here? My heart will stay, but I have to go. It's just something I have to do.

Hopefully we'll see each other again someday. Hopefully we'll both find the peace and happiness that we both deserve. I thought we had it once. But I was fool enough to screw up too many times for that to have ever been a reality.

I love you Cole. With all that I am. Please believe me, my heart is in your hands. Treat it well. Treat it better than I treated yours. I know I don't deserve it.

Dirk

Dirk, he came to the house to get the rest of his stuff. Why didn't I expect that? I should of. I should of had his things packed for him so I didn't make a fool of myself. Crying in front of him, he got to see how much I'm hurting, didn't want that. I didn't want him to know how much I'm hurting. But Cole the crybaby right? I cried and sobbed and screamed. My heart screamed out and I had no control over it. I feel like a fool. I fell madly in love with someone that wasn't who I thought.

At first Dirk was amazing, but things happened. Showing me that it just wasn't him much anymore. Feels like I'm writing nonsense. That's what my mother told me over the phone. Cole stop talking nonsense, good riddance to the rubbish. They are happy he's gone. I cried on the phone with her for a good three hours, all she kept saying was to get tough and to be happy he's gone. She never did know me. She's not really my mother anyway. I wish I would of gotten to meet my real parents.

Off track, sorry. So I made a fool of myself to Dirk. Probably everyone in the house that heard me too. I couldn't stop crying after he left. He's already with someone else. That's okay, good for him. I can't be angry about it, we're not together. And Ayden is a nice guy. I met him a few times, Dirk's type, that's for sure. Not me. Anybody but me. And he wants to keep saying he's doing this for me. Don't you love it when people do things for themselves but say it's for you? Yeah.

Just have to let go. That part of my life is over now. So I bucked up and went out. To the Red Dragon. Jade, Lyren, Hina, Ryo, Jessie, and Lex, all showed up. Jade gave me Dirk's wedding band. He left it there for her to give to me. I can't explain how much that hurt. I really can't, I'll start crying again. How could he..

But all of my friends are so wonderful and were there for me. Hugs and nice words to help me. I'm so thankful for the amazing friends I have around me. They helped me get through that moment, and even if the night got a little funky when some wacko girl showed up and was all over me and then trying to get onto Jessie, even hurting Tristen, it ended alright.

Thankfully Tristen is okay, I was so worried about him. But he said he was fine. Jessie left with Lyren to talk, and I stayed on Lex's lap. I can go on and on about Lex. He's really been there for me. I've been spending almost every night with him now. He just has this way of making me feel better, and feel like everything will be okay. He is someone I could fall for. I really could. But my heart is just too broken right now. I think he understands that I'm not ready for anything serious. We just snuggle and kiss and spend time together. I'm with him now. He's laying right here still asleep. He's beautiful and so unlike anybody I have ever met before. It's almost scary at how easy he is to talk to and be around.

If there was anybody I would love to give it a shot with, it would be Lex. I think he knows that I'm crazy about him too. Otherwise he wouldn't tease me so much. And when he wears his glasses, it makes my heart speed up and he's just so hot. He sings at night, as we lay there, he can sing as I'm falling asleep. The most beautiful voice. Songs of love and happiness. Wish it was as easy as a song, that in those three minutes love can take over and just be. Wrapping you up in it and lolling you to sleep. Really wish it was that easy..

It's not that easy at all.


Cole

Spent my first night alone. Been a really long time since I slept in the bed by myself. Can't say I enjoyed it. I tried to gather up as many pillows as I could and snuggle them close to me. Make if feel like someone is there. Didn't exactly work, I kept waking up and throwing pillows around. Stared at the clock, watching every single minute pass. That was horrible.

Course my mind went right to what Dirk might be doing. Probably making love to Ayden. That I tried to block out of my mind, didn't need to imagine the images of it. I know how Dirk is in bed. And how it felt to be held afterwards. The kisses and I love yous.

So, yeah. I laid there all night. Looking towards the window and watching as the moon shown through the curtains. Couple times I thought about just getting up and running around outside, get rid of some of this energy. But it's not energy that's keeping me awake. Well, not fully anyway.

I don't know what to do with myself. I start to cry when I'm alone. I really don't want anyone to see me doing it anyway. Embarrasses me. And I don't want them feeling bad for me. I keep assuring them I'm okay, I will be okay. None believe me, I can see it in their eyes. They worry about me. Wish they wouldn't. Many more important things in the world then one guy who had his heart broken.

Right now it's about 5 a.m. The sun hasn't come up yet, and I think about tonight. Another night alone. Am I going to get use to it? These pillows don't do anything for me, they can't cuddle me back, or whisper a song to help me sleep. I hope I get use to this. Being alone isn't something I am use to at all. Does it get easier with time?


I hope so.

Cole

Can't even write down how I'm feeling at the moment. I really can't. Things happening around me, to me, it's all so crazy. I'm thinking I really am crazy. After hanging up with Dirk and laying in the bed and crying and screaming for a while, I couldn't take it anymore, I walked out and went to Lex's room.

I knocked first, then opened the door just a little to look in. Didn't expect what I saw. He had dark circles under his eyes, stubble on his chin, his hair all over the place, glasses on, and he sat on the floor eating a bowl of cereal. And even with all of that, he looked amazing to me. Just as handsome and gorgeous as the first day I laid eyes on him. Though I haven't told him I crushed on him a bit a long time ago. That's something I'll keep hushed about for a while. Maybe I'll tell him sometime, though I think he knows.

Okay back to what happened. He got up and rushed to the door, scared me a bit, like he was upset. But he had just missed me and wanted me in the room. And so I did. We sat on the floor together, holding hands, talking. He told me that he knew and knows that my heart is pretty much broken. That he knows that it takes time to heal. I watched his lips as he talked, lost in his face and eyes most of the time. He's so amazing, and everything he said just, I haven't ever heard before. He is willing to wait for me, to let my heart mend. He wants to be the one I go to when I need someone. That we both admit we have strong feelings for each other.

I blushed like crazy as usual, I always do that with Lex. I told him that he makes me feel like how I can make others feel. It's incredible. Is it love, actual true and unadulterated love like he says it is? If it is, I don't want it to stop. I don't want it to ever stop. With just a touch from him I can feel like nothing ever will be wrong again. That if I'm with him, there is no more hurting. He knows I'm scared of being with someone again, he is more then willing to wait for me, he told me over and over, he is here for me.

We talked about what we want in a relationship, the rules I guess you would say. With previous people it always seemed I had rules to follow. But Lex told me he loves me for how I am, that I can do anything as long as I'm honest with him. And for the really first time I sat there and thought about it and realized, I don't need to sleep with anyone else, I just want to sleep and be with Lex every night. He's okay with the snuggles and kisses to other people, but if Lex is there, where else would I want to be? I thought I sounded so silly. He said he loves that about me, I couldn't believe it, he loves that I can be silly. He loves that I can say naughty words, that I blush whenever we do something sexual. See even writing that word and now I'm blushing like crazy!

Going to take this very slow and make it work this time. I want it to work with Lex. And when we are both ready we are going to make it work, I know we can. During our night together I couldn't help but tell him I loved him, how could I not already love him for all he's doing for me? He returned the I love you to me and I thought my heart was going to just burst again, but this time in a good way. I believe it now, I deserve to be happy. I'm tired of being sad and unhappy and being alone. I'm going to give Lex all of me, just like he's giving me all of him.

After making love, he grabbed me up and we snuggled. There isn't anything in this world like it, to be in Lex's arms. This guy is doing to me what I thought wasn't possible. I think my heart is going to be okay. That I'm really going to be okay. No more saying it is and lying about it.


I'm really going to be okay.

Cole

Can't even tell you how crazy me and Lex are. So, I'll start out first with what we did during the day.

We mainly snuggled. In the bed just snuggled all morning. We talked and it was amazing to just be in his arms. He's so hot. Anyway, he had things to do. When he left I stayed around the house, went swimming, hung out with Joel, Chris, and even Ben and Tony. We watched a movie even. And I gushed nonstop about Lex. I think they were tired of hearing me talk about him, but I didn't care. I couldn't stop thinking about him.

They are all happy for me. I know they are and I'm happy again. Like I said, I hung out with my friends most of the day. Luke was there and we played around in the pool again. I'm so crazy about Luke, he's my best friend. I told him all about Lex and he couldn't wait to meet him. And I told him, let's go to the Red Dragon, and maybe I can get Lex to show up and he can meet him.

Though sad part was I forgot. I fell asleep and took a small nap, then rushed to the Inn soon after. Luke didn't forget and came right after me. He's too funny. We sat on the couch and talked, he mentioned meeting Lex. And guess who showed up soon after? Did I mention I stole his hoodie? It smells so good, just like him. Yeah. When Lex walked through the door I held my breath. And I blushed right away.

Lex and Luke met, they seemed to really hit it off, Lex is kind of quiet around new people though. We all talked and then I went to the bathroom. Now in the bathroom was this strange machine, it had these little boxes of thingies that popped out of it. I didn't have any quarters and really I thought at first it was a gum dispenser or something, maybe even balloons.

I went back to Lex and Luke and told them. They laughed. I didn't know why they were laughing really, but then Luke told me they weren't balloons or gum, they were condoms. The heck is a condom?! I don't care, if it's rubbery it can be blown up into a balloon.

Luke gave me some quarters and off I went. Came back with a pocket full. Told them all about blowing balloons up, Lex started to act funny though. Like he couldn't hold still, and Luke was just laughing like crazy. I couldn't figure it out. When Lex got up and ran off the bathroom I really was confused. What did I do?

He came back and wasn't looking too good. I just kept talking about blowing those balloons up, didn't realize till Lex's whisper what he was thinking. We left. Right then and there. That whisper was just about the hottest whisper I have ever heard. Out the door we went, to go home and have some alone time. Luke came too but he went to his room.

I won't write what me and Lex did, pretty obvious. I will say, that he is amazing and what he does to me I have never felt before. We cuddled after. Talking about how much we love each other. I'm so crazy for him. I can't imagine life without him. I told him too. He smiled and then just like that asked me to marry him. I was shocked and didn't second guess it though, the yes came right out of my mouth. I was amazed at myself and he was happy.

He got up and told me to close my eyes. When I opened them he was kneeling by the bed and holding out one of his jade rings, his favorite. And he asked me to marry him. I said yes, again. How could I say no? Are we crazy? Probably. I don't care though. He put the ring on my finger and he crawled back into bed. We held each other more until there was more lovey dovey stuff that I won't put into detail. He kisses and touches me like nobody else..

I can't believe it. I'm so happy. We will get married and it's going to be so perfect. I know it will. There isn't a doubt in my mind that it won't be everything I ever hoped. When I look at him I know he's the one for me. I know I'm gushing again. But I can't help it. And if I'm crazy, I don't care. I'm crazy with him and he's crazy with me, that's all that matters.

If he woke up right now and said let's go do it right now? I would.
Okay enough of this, time to put this away and snuggle with my snuggle bunny.


Cole

Where to start. Oh I know.. Dirk is a DUMMY! Gosh, why did he come back and try to take me away! He's so crazy sometimes. It's like everything was fine till he started acting all dominate and whatever. Peed on my bed! Peed on my bed!! Can you believe that? So gross. What is wrong with him?

He grabbed me, I totally forgot about the bubble I can make around me. I was just so out of it and freaking that I didn't remember. Lex was there and started to lay into Dirk, then Dirk started to hit Lex, biting at him, all that nasty wolf stuff. Gosh. He grabbed me up again, this time Lex was right behind us and put that nasty pee pee sheet over my and Dirk's heads to pull Dirk back. I went right out of his arms and boom, right onto the floor and out. It hurt so much when I woke up.

All just blurry still. I remember Lex picking me up and taking me back to the room. Locking the door. Dirk banging on it then it got quiet. Pretty sure he had left, so I fell asleep with Lex. Lex had passed out. My poor baby had bruises all over his face and neck. I can't believe Dirk hurt him, no I can believe it, I just hate it. That's my snuggle bunny he hurt.

So, I got up and went out, making sure Dirk was gone. Lex was still asleep and my mouth was hurting so bad from biting my tongue and busting my lips, from that stupid fall. I went down to the kitchen, got a smoothie. I also called Ayden, checking to see if Dirk went back to him. And he will, cause Dirk can't be alone. I didn't tell Ayden that, I like Ayden, I just don't want to see him hurt. And Dirk talks about me not being able to stay loyal? Yeah right. I have been nothing but loyal to my husband and it's going to stay that way. Unless he wants to play around but we pretty much said we are happy just him and me. Yup.

And I go back to Lex. He was so scared when I walked in that Dirk had taken me. Since I wasn't there when he woke up. I snuggled him and held onto him. Told him everything is going to be okay now. He was angry though, very angry. He doesn't want me to talk to Dirk ever again and he was pretty forceful about it. Which in a strange way was pretty hot. He is just plain hot. My baby, all mine.

We spent the whole day in bed. Snuggling and playing around, other things too. Don't need to say what. He wanted me to try my powers on him and see what they do. It was so funny! He got all on me and was trying to be all, well I can't even say. He started laughing when I did something, licked somewhere.. I can't write about it, oh my gosh!

Happy again. Hoping that Dirk is happy too. Sounds funny, I know. But it's true. Cause if he is happy, then we can all be happy and not worry about him flipping out again. That dummy. He can be so silly.


Gotta go! Lex is tickling me again!

Cole

I did something pretty dumb yesterday. The funny thing is, it was so small to me, just a simple little kiss. A kiss of saying sorry, like friends kiss on the lips, just a peck. It's who it was with that made it bad. Made Lex angry. Made us fight.

It was a pretty normal day, though I woke up really late. Lex was gone. We don't really spend as much time together as everyone thinks. I see him everyday sure, but not much, mostly at night. Gets pretty lonely when he's gone. Like I told him, I don't know what to do with myself most of the time either. When I get lonely, I seek out the people I love to spend time with. Luke, Jessie, Gage, Joel, my friends, you know? Well some of those people are still very special to me. And I get snuggly and wanting to be loved on when I'm lonely. Even going further. Not saying I've gone all the way with anyone other then Lex since we got married, but I'm just trying to explain it I guess.

So, I went to the guest house. Jessie and Gage were gone. But Luke was there. He was starving. I kept him too hungry, for too long. He was raving crazy looking. Like those zombies in the horror movies. When he came out of the house he tripped over me, I was laying in the lily patch. Then he went about feeding. Hurt like crazy too, he wasn't gentle at all. After a while though he started to calm down and it was okay. We talked. Talked about everything, Jessie and Gage, my wedding and honeymoon with Lex. Luke can sometimes get touchy and we snuggled and did some kissing, all friendly I promise. He wanted more but we didn't do anything, I'm Lex's. He knew we couldn't and said he was sorry.

Somehow the conversation went to Dirk. Luke mentioning how he came back and tried to take me away. I told him, Dirk just has it tough right now. And that I would probably never see him around the house again. Well out of nowhere I hear his voice, Dirk's. I stood right up, I knew I shouldn't chase him, but I did. I ran after him and we hugged. He said he was sorry for the other time I saw him. I had to pull away from him though, him, Lex and Jessie, I can never control myself around. So yeah, I tried to back away, but he kept getting closer. I don't think he understood why I was backing up till I told him that I was having some trouble controlling myself. Then he did move away.

It was just a simple kiss. I went to be in his arms and we hugged, pretty much saying that he was sorry and we kissed. Just a simple little peck on the lips. I knew instantly I was in big trouble. Lex would be so mad. I'm not even suppose to be talking to Dirk, let alone touching him, or kissing him. Dirk left, Luke came over and we went to the living room and watched a movie till Lex came home.

When he did I was so scared. Lex was already yelling for me. I freaked, who saw! Who already told him! But he saw Dirk's truck and thought Dirk might of taken me again. We went into the bedroom and I told him to sit down. He looked so horrified, so scared of what I had to say. He asked if I slept with him. Oh gosh, if I had slept with him, I know Lex would leave me. I was scared he would leave me even over the kiss. Once I told him he demanded I go into the bathroom and brush my teeth, take a scolding shower. That he better not taste or smell him on me. I did what I was told but that's when the fighting started.

He said he would leave if that's what I wanted. After that it just went downhill. I mean downhill. I was ready to leave, after all that he said. Saying that I should get a hobby if I get so lonely without him. That he's sorry he can't be around all the time. That it's good to be without each other sometimes. I told him he doesn't know me then, I could be around him every waking moment and be happy. He isn't like that though. And that's when I started to realize that we are pretty different. Funny, didn't think about that before we got married. But then you can learn a lot about a person from being married to them, right? All the real stuff comes out, how they really are.

I admitted I'm a spoiled brat. I also told him, what can he expect, I'm not human. I am literally a God. I can't help how I am, I can't help who I am. I crave being touched and loved and giving love and pleasure. I'm sorry I am this way, I told him that. What am I suppose to do? Self control like he said? I can't control my body half of the time, what am I suppose to do?

Stormed out of the room, slamming it a few times. He followed me. Yelling at me about how Dirk my long lost love would come back and kill me out of jealousy, something like that. Saying he should bow down to the God of.. a bad word. He thinks I believe I'm better then him, better then humans. He doesn't know me at all if that's what he thought. I never thought I was better then anyone. My body doesn't have limitations like a human body, I don't see that as a good thing, I see it as a curse. Makes people think I'm never satisfied and sometimes they could be right.

What he said to me really hurt me. I started crying and couldn't stop after all of that. I remember him saying something about a tombstone, how what he should put on it was that I couldn't do anything, didn't have a hobby all I could do was be a good lay. Yeah, that really did hurt. I didn't have the energy to tell him I wouldn't die anytime soon, not of old age anyway.. I can't get old, but I think that was his way of saying Dirk would eventually kill me. Dirk and I have had major problems, I know, but I don't think he would ever kill me. Dirk isn't as bad as everyone thinks, he just needs help. Needs time. He will be okay one day, and he has Ayden. I'm sure Ayden is much better for him then I was. And I hope that Ayden can do for him what he needs.

Anyway. Lex was asleep when I got up this morning. Not sure how he will be when he realizes I'm gone. I left a letter. Told him I'm going off to get this hobby. I'm not mad, I guess I'm just hurt. And if he thinks time away is a good thing, then this time away will be a good thing, right? I'll stay here for a while, I always did like this cabin, I'll go fishing, though it's so gross to put bait on the hook, walk around in the woods, go swimming in the lake. Sometimes we just need to be alone, at least that's how I thought Lex put it. I love him. I really do. I hope he doesn't get too angry, and understands.


Still think it's funny.
All started with a kiss.

Cole

The last couple of days have been so amazing. It's just been me and Lex and we have been spending all our time together. He should probably know he is spoiling me and when we go back to the house that it will take a while to get use to him going out again. But it will be okay. I'm just happy we can spend this time together now and have such a great time at that.

Day before we spent it with breakfast in bed, then played a few games, even swam a bit. I made dinner, grilled cheeses and a salad, not too over the top, just simple. He was surprised I liked veggies, I was surprised that he could inhale two sandwiches before I could even turn my head. He's a guy with an appetite, pretty cute. We are learning more and more about each other every day and it's pretty neat. He is all healed up and feeling a lot better. A few bruises but those are going away and I'm helping if he feels a little icky. I'm going off track here. Okay, so after dinner we decide to go swimming again, and out we go, I got him to carry me down into the water.

We talked, well he talked and I just listened mainly. I love to hear him talk. But he brought up my powers, my gifts, how I will live long and stay young and he will grow old and.. I can't even write the word. I told him I would love him no matter how he looked, but the last part is what I couldn't deal with. I can't let him go. I can't let old age take him away from me. I told him that I can share myself with him, share my being, my powers, my gifts, my life, however you want to put it to understand it better. He didn't believe me. We kissed and I held him, still wrapped around him, and I did it. I had to warn him though, if anything happens to him, it would happen to me too. We would feel each other's pain, happiness, sadness, all of it. And if one should not live any longer, the other would leave this world too. That this will be forever. No matter what happens to us in our relationship, we will be forever linked.

I didn't question doing it. I did it before he could even really notice. That's when the tingly stuff started. I couldn't handle it, and I think he got more of my gifts then I even thought he would. I swam away from him and towards the shore, playing around. But he wasn't playing around and he wanted me and let me know it. At first I thought he was joking, but then I realized his own powers now were really affecting him and he doesn't know how to control them yet, or even really know what they are.

He was pretty rough with me on the beach. But I won't lie, it was amazing, every second of it. He was even growling and grabbing and squeezing and just all like an animal. I'm blushing now but boy was it hot and he was just so great. And now I can't stop blushing and laughing. Just thinking about it makes me shiver cause I loved it so much and how he was. Never seen Lex so dominate. Usually it's very sweet and gentle. Fun to have it both ways I think. He thinks the same thing.

Okay, so after we go back to the house and we snuggle in bed. Next day was just as great. The swimming again, games, snuggling more. He went out to get firewood, brought in a spider with it! I hate bugs!! Oh god, do I hate bugs, thank gosh that Snookers was there! Which I forgot to tell Lex that Snookers was there, he wasn't too happy, and that Snookers slept under our bed. He freaked out pretty bad. But Snookie got that nasty spider. Lex was so adorable, screeching and running around flailing his arms. Didn't know he would be that scared of Snookers. My poor baby, Snookie. He thought Lex was crazy.

After that we snuggled more on the couch. The tingles and warmth that I get from even one simple touch of Lex is amazing. He can drive me crazy even looking at me a certain way. I think his powers are even getting stronger. Won't that be great? Two of us that can't control ourselves and drive everyone crazy, including each other? Too funny. But I think he is learning and he will be okay.

He looked at the scratches and marks he made on my body. Even asked me to stand up so he could look at them all. I did, took off my shirt. Scratches all up and down my back and gashes even on my butt. He asked if I felt it, but no, I didn't. They don't hurt at all and healing pretty quick too. I laid back on the couch with him and he asked me if it was bad that he thought it was kind of a turn on that I have marks on my body from him. I said no, not at all. I even think it's pretty much a turn on. He has marked me as his and he wants me to do the same to him sometime. Better believe I will. Lex is mine. Nobody else is allowed to touch. They are lucky I even let them look at him. That's my baby.

On a different note. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. I'm not sure what though. Maybe even a piercing. I don't know. I'm not someone that likes pain at all. I might pass out or run away screaming if they try to put a needle near me. Have to see. I will talk to Lexi about it and see what he thinks. Talk to Dean too, cause gosh knows he has plenty of piercings and stuff. So does Wesley.

Also, I got a phone call from Ayden. Seems Dirk left him and he doesn't know where he went. I feel so bad for Ayden. I told him he is always welcome at the house and that he could even move in and we could be friends. I know he is hurting right now and he wants to be alone. Wasn't fair for Dirk to do that to him. Ayden didn't say why, just said he was gone and they broke up. He also said he said something about Nico. Nico, what a guy. If Dirk is now with Nico, I hope that he doesn't hurt Nico too. He is such a nice guy. Or maybe they are just friends, who knows. Though Dirk doesn't stay friends with someone for long, not just friends. He always has to try and make more of it. I will never understand Dirk. Never.

Okay, so I'm going to go snuggle with Lex and forget about all that yucky stuff. Just be with him till we have to go back to the house.


Cole

Ever have one of those feelings that something isn't normal? Like something is off, something is different. I don't know why I have this feeling, but I do. Maybe it's because things are going so well between Lex and me. That there isn't any drama stuff going on. Dirk hasn't called in a long time and hasn't tried to see me either, guess that's a bit strange to me too.

Since when does he not bother to call? Maybe everything is finally going good for him though. And if that's what it is, then I'm very happy for him. I hope he is doing very good. I'm not angry with him anymore, I can't stay angry at all for long, not at anyone. Still feel like something is going on that I don't know about. Like a tugging on my soul. I don't know. Might just be me. I haven't talked to Lex about it and maybe I will soon.

Like I said, things are going great with us. Most of the nights we spend cuddling and just being us. I love being in his arms. Everything feels like it will be okay when I am in his arms. And he is really holding true to what he said before, we are spending much more time together. Which is why I haven't written in this journal in forever. We are usually so busy being with each other and doing stuff. I mean good stuff. Really good..

Anyway, we are back home. Good to be around everyone again and to join in on the football games. Though they don't like it when I grab the football, fall to the ground and beg them not to tackle me. Most of them think it's funny and then it turns into me being chased around and of course getting noogies from Dean. I'm not that great at football. But I still like playing with my brothers.

Jaden usually sits up on one of those like tower thingies that lifeguards have? And calls out the score and stuff. But yesterday they knocked it down, with him on it. It wasn't too high up and when he fell he laughed so he was okay. They tackled him and made him join the game. Boy he is tough when he wants to be! He kept slamming into Gage like Gage wasn't a brick wall, which to me he is. I tried that once and I think I even bounced right back off!

Let's see. Brandon and Emma go off and do the little couply thing. They are adorable. Too cute. Joel isn't around too much but when he is, he shows me some of the new moves he learns from boxing. He really likes that. I can't take getting hit, but more power to him if that's what he enjoys. I do love my brother. Dylan might even join in I think. He is just as tough as Joel. Be funny to see my brothers fight together. Usually they are ganging up on me. Ha! Back at you.

I can't think of anything else to write about now. Besides, I have a picnic to go to with Lexi.


Cole

Been a crazy week and weekend already. I never did write that day with me and Lex. Took that time to heal and get better. Lex did a really good job of taking care of me. He usually does. I called Gage and Jessie, let them know I'm okay. I couldn't find Luke. Maybe they can call him for me or find him. Let him know I'm okay too.

That day I spent with Lex was really fun. We played around a lot. Though sometimes I would feel sick and have to lay down. I hate being sick, I'm not use to it. I hardly ever get really sick. I keep hoping the scar on my neck will go away. Stop being a reminder of what happened. But it's still there. Maybe with time it will go away.

Anyway, Lex went and had to do things and I headed back to Rhydin. Stopped at the house and spent time with some of the guys. Joel and Dylan were happy to see me, I think and hope so was everyone else. Hugs from them all. Was really nice to know they had worried about me. Just like me, they know that Gage and Luke had been sick that night. I hope that Luke and Gage know that I don't blame them. I tried to explain that to Gage, but he's still pretty upset with himself. I don't talk about it to Lex, he gets pretty angry. He will understand eventually too.

I started to get stir crazy and wanted to go out. So I did. Went to The Red Dragon. Figured that could be fun. Saw Tristen, Lyren, new girl Addi, Lyssa, Brandon, whole bunch of people I love to hang out with. Was so much fun, it really was. I was missing Lex like crazy. I hope I didn't whine too much. Brandon was a tickle fest monster. I pretty much even laid on Lyssa the whole time. She didn't seem to mind. Though Addi had some trouble with some dudes in uniforms. They were, yuckie. Freaky, asking if we had seen her. We all said no as Addi hid behind the couch. I hope they leave her alone. I don't know the whole story there. Oh! She has a huge huge crush on Ashton too. It's pretty cute. Though I did tell her that Ashton hasn't ever dated since I have known him. She seemed a little bummed about that.

Let's see. So that was the night really. Tristen is still all upset about Jade being with another guy. I feel kinda bad for him. But he's such a hot guy he can have anyone he wants. Hopefully he works it out and finds happiness. Brandon let out that him and Emma are engaged, how cute is that. So sweet.

After laying on Lyssa all night, we all left. Headed to the candy shop. Now that's fun. I love that place! Buy it all! Went home and I brought Lyssa with me to snuggle Lex. That was a good time too, we ate so much candy and snuggled. Was too great. Lyssa is a really neat girl. I love hanging out with her. And having both her and Lex snuggling? The best.

Next day Lex did stuff again and I was walking around the house just doing nothing. Pretty bored. Watched TV, swam, the usual. I thought about going out but I didn't want to miss Lex coming home and me being missing.

When he did come home, Lyssa was with us too. We laid on the couch and watched a movie. Not sure any of us were really into it. Lex even started to tickle me. Think it was going to turn into yet another tickle fest till Lex said let's get comfy and go to the bedroom. Have a pillow fight and stuff. I'm all about pillow fights. So I took Lyssa to our room and helped her find something to wear of mine for the night. Lex came in and brought candy and drinks. We didn't exactly do the tickle or pillow fight thing. Instead it started to get.. naughty. Lex kept sending me those waves of whatever you want to call it. Makes you all tingly and wanting to do .. well you know. He sent one to Lyssa by accident and I didn't know how to handle that.

I'm not going to lie, I didn't know how to deal with any of this. Last time I tried to be with more then one person, well I was left out. Felt left out and eventually was dumped so Dirk could be with Gage alone. Nothing good ever came from being with more then one person. Cause somebody always got hurt in the end, mainly me. And I'm so not wanting to do that again, it scares me.

I sort of let Lex and Lyssa guide what was going on. I'm not going to get into major details. I don't think I could even if I tried. My feelings are so mixed right now and I'm a bit confused. I'm not sure if this was something Lex had set up or what. The way he talked and was showing me what to do with Lyssa, it felt that way. I always got into trouble before, in past relationships, for touching other people. And here Lex was actually talking to me and telling me how to touch Lyssa and how to do things.

And well, we did. I slept with Lyssa. Lex laid there and watched and then fell asleep after a while. I'm still confused about it all. Maybe I should be? All I know is I don't want it to be like before. And I don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I'm tired of hurting.

I held Lyssa all night. She smells really good. And cuddled up with Lex too. I hope it's not awkward after this. I hope Lyssa doesn't suddenly freak out and think what she did was bad and start avoiding me or something. I hope not. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. Should just let things happen.

Question is, why did Lex want to do this? He didn't have much of touching Lyssa, I mean he did some but he was there mainly to watch. I don't even know if I'm suppose to keep my mouth shut about all of this. If they want to keep it all a secret. Probably just need to talk to them both and find out. I don't want to lose the bond I have with Lex. That terrifies me. That's exactly what happened in the past.

Going to say this though, being with Lyssa was really incredible. I had only been with one girl before her and I don't even think I did it right that time. Didn't feel anything like with Lyssa. Now I'm blushing and feeling all, I don't know. Did I mention I had to wear an icky piece of gum.. down there?! Ick. Who would of thought that is where it was suppose to go!



Cole

I feel all kinds of yuck right now. I don't even remember what all I did last night. I know I drank, and drank, and drank. I bet they would all be really unhappy with me if they knew I was getting all drunk to get through this.

Haven't called him, wrote him, nothing. Feels strange. Trying to find my clothes, when did I get naked? Ugh. My mouth is all dry, my body aches, I'm even having a hard time writing in this. Handwriting is all like chicken scratch.

Crazy stuff. Felt good at the time to be drunk and oblivious, but it didn't last long, now I have a hangover and feeling like yuck.

Not even sure where I am right now. Looks like an Inn room. How did I even get here? Oh well. I guess I can go out and look around, try to figure out where I am. Funny that I don't remember hardly anything. Guess that's what drinking too much can do.

Wonder what Lex did last night. Little bits and pieces flash in my mind. I remember laughing a lot about nothing, but that turned into crying. God I hope I didn't call him if I was that drunk. Or anybody else. Oh no. I better check my phone and see if I called anybody.


I need a shower.
I haven't slept for days.


Cole

So, I'm back at the house. I called Gage and he sent for me. Found me there in Chicago. Not that it wasn't fun, guess there was some big party and band playing. That was pretty cool. But I was getting tired of walking around barefoot. That kinda wasn't too great. The streakers were funny though. Still would like to know how I got there.

Anyway, back at home, well Rhydin. I haven't gone back to the Pi house. I'm staying at a nice Inn. Not far from it anyway. Still needing some time to think about everything. From what I hear Lex has been a crying mess. I feel bad about that, I really do. And I will talk to him soon.. Just need a little bit of time. Maybe today will be the day we talk.

Let's see. Nothing really eventful has happened since I have been back. Just staying in my room and moping, you could say. Pretty pitiful, but it also gives me time to think. Probably read his letter so many times it is starting to fall apart. I don't really understand why relationships have to be so hard at times. Why can't it be happy all the time? Though I suppose that would make it sort of dull, right?

I want to see his face. I miss his face. I miss his touch, I pretty much miss everything about him. I didn't go and get drunk last night, laid in bed and thought about things. Gage tried to talk to me but I told him right now wasn't the time, but he shouldn't be upset about what he had done before, that I forgive him. He seemed happier after that. I'm glad. Still haven't heard from Luke, hope he is alright.

Not a word from Dirk either. Always seems like he is up to something when he goes off and doesn't call the house or anything. I can only imagine what he would be up to this time. Joel called me, asked how I was. He said he had seen Lex and thinks I should come home right away and fix it. He doesn't really understand any of it, but I love him for trying. The connection we have is amazing, being twins and all, I know he feels my pain and sadness, wish I could spare him that.

Other then that, nothing. Trying to think in my head what I will say to Lex. Probably the biggest will be that I am sorry for hurting him. Sorry for hurting myself too. Should of thought about that, that he would feel it. Even Joel felt it. I do some stupid stuff when I drink and upset.

On a lighter note, I'm hoping that everything turns out okay. It usually does. I need to just be happy. To make Lex happy, to work with him and make this a better relationship. I don't want us to be over. Want us to be together. I want Lyssa there too. She really is a great girl and it would be great to have both Lex and Lyssa, two amazing people together, and in love with me? Talk about being pretty lucky. Feel so silly for hurting Lex. I hope he forgives me.



Cole

Last night was pretty amazing. I haven't been really keeping up to date about what has been going on lately. Well first off, Lex has been pretty busy lately. I mean more then usual. I see him at night and all but during the day he is gone. I don't let those old thoughts get in my head though, worried about him cheating and stuff like that. Not at all. I trust him completely.

So most of those days I did what I always do. You know, going out and hanging with my brothers. Even went to a club one night. It was really fun but I missed Lex. They all get tired of hearing me talk and talk and talk about Lex, but they deal with it. Dylan and Joel just laugh and tell me I'm really in love this time. Really in love. Not that lust or passion fake love. Not that it isn't all good, to have passion and lust for someone, but if that's all it is, can't really be love. Though I do have lust for my husband. Have you seen him? Yeah.

Days can be rather boring without Lex, but at night he comes home and we watch movies, cuddle in bed, the really good stuff. Never thought I would be this happy. And when I look at Lex, I can see he is really happy too, I want to keep him that way. Keep that smile on his face. I can't get enough of him. I know that everyone thinks that maybe it's just that honeymoon phase, but they don't understand. I get butterflies even thinking about him. I always have and I probably always will.

On to last night. I was watching t.v. some icky guy and a girl. They weren't really good to look at, but it's like a train wreck, I have to watch. Something about naughty t.v. that just gets my attention. I guess that's the curiosity in me, not to mention you can learn some new moves from watching it. And Lex doesn't complain about that, nope. I think he likes it when I surprise him with new things. At least it sounds like it, the noises he makes. Anyway, he came in and scared me to death. There I was naked and watching naughty stuff on the t.v. I tried to tell him nothing was going on but it didn't matter, he looked so cute last night. His glasses on. I love it when he wears his glasses, he is so hot.

He cuddled in the bed with me and gave me my present. Finally! And I couldn't believe what it was! A cd. A cd with my husband singing and even playing guitar. Can you say unbelievably hot? Now I can hear him whenever we are apart. I will always have my husband's voice to listen to when I miss him. It's such a great gift. And here I didn't get him anything! I feel awful about it. I'm going to try and think of a good present for him, though I did give him a little something, something last night. It was pretty great too. But I want to get him something else too. Maybe something that resembles me in a way, just like the cd he gave me.

Going to have to think about it. It really was such a creative gift, I'm not sure I can top it. And I still can't believe we have been together now for two months and going strong. I see forever with him. We talked about that as we laid in bed, listening to him on the cd player. How we love each other so much that it is even hard to put into words. That we sometimes just need to let our bodies do the talking for us.

Gift for Lex. How do you get someone so wonderful something that even compares to him or how he is? I'm not sure. Maybe if I ask around. Maybe my brothers will have an idea.


Cole

I'm just going to make this rather short. Get the main details because I have to go out soon. Okay, so..

Remember the guy I was saying was causing some trouble between Sean and Tyler? Andre, yeah, that guy. Anyway, seems he has a friend, cousin, whatever, and she is like saying how Tyler really does have the hots for Andre. (Have I mentioned she was the same girl who pointed at us and called us homosexuals? And yet her cousin is one? Crazy stuff there.) Even though he flat out told her he didn't, right there with Andre. I mean hello? Take a hint. A guy says he doesn't like someone, he means it.
Has to spell it out for her or what? I guess she was thinking it was that school boy thing of pulling a girl's hair and then pretending to not like her but really does. But I know Tyler and he doesn't have the hots for Andre, he's so wrapped up around Sean, it's not even possible. I mean have they seen Sean? Please, nobody is hotter to Tyler then Sean. So, whatever.

I thought that was pretty rude for her to keep on. Tyler even had to come back and tell her and Andre to their faces that he doesn't want Andre like that. When we got back home, he told Sean and everything, I just happened to be in the room. Sean was a little upset, okay, he was very upset. He didn't like hearing how some girl wouldn't leave it alone and believe Tyler. Whatever. Like I told Tyler, what they think doesn't matter. He has Sean and Sean loves him and believes him. That's what matters. And he agreed to it.

The whole thing is just silly. And I hope that Andre and that girl leave Tyler alone from now on. No need of extra drama and people talking trash then it already is.

Lyssa came in last night too. Oh and I almost forgot, that girl, Andre's cousin? Came over right in front of me when I was talking to Tyler and told him "when he has a moment" right there when I was talking to him. Talk about rude. Rude people are so great. I mean it really shows how great people can be. Anyway, on to Lyssa. She looked adorable and we snuggled on the couch. She called them haters and meanies, she's too cute, Andre and Noni, though she didn't know the whole story. Still cute though.

I'm sure we will all avoid this Noni and Andre when we go there, and hopefully they do the same. We don't need any more crud. Just all forget about it and move on. Not like I talk to them anyway, and Tyler doesn't want to talk to them or see them, so it should all be okay.

Gage didn't like hearing all of it though. He even patted Tyler on the back and told him he was proud of him. I kid you not. He now respects Tyler for standing up for him and Sean. It's nice to see that. Having my brothers getting along again, though now that I think about it, I don't think they ever did. But they do now, so it's great. Gage says that hopefully they will stop talking trash and leave Tyler alone, or Gage will have to talk to them himself. I never like seeing Gage angry. So, hopefully they stop. I honestly think they will. And if they don't? Who cares. Sean is still with Tyler and they are happy. That's the best part.


I said I wasn't going to make this long!

Oh, and after we left the RDI. Me and Lyssa, that is. We went to the candy store and bought so much great candy. Yummy stuff. Surprised Lex when he got home. Then we all snuggled, watched a movie and ate candy till we all got tummy aches. I love to snuggle with them both. Nothing better.



Now I really have to get out of here!

Cole

The next talk went much better with Lex. That morning after he left, I spent it mostly in the room. Didn't want anyone to see me or see me sulking. After all I don't like fighting with Lex, and I really don't like people to see me after either. I look pitiful. The bruise hadn't healed either and it worried me. Whenever I got a bad thought in my mind about that night, the bruise would have this strange stinging sensation. Like punishing me further. Didn't like that one bit.

I did however get out of the room to go see Luke. Course I couldn't' talk to him, he was sleeping. But I at least got to look at him and watch him as he slept. I had a lot of things go through my mind. Like what it must be like to be what he is. How does it feel to only survive off of blood. How it must be to only be up at night and not get to see the sun. I heard that there are all kinds of different varieties of these types of beings. Some can be out during the day, some can't. Some don't even sleep at all and stay up every day all day. Just like humans and all other creatures, there are varieties. Shame that Luke is the kind that can't be up during the day, I know he misses the sun.

So after seeing him for a while, I went back to my room and Lex did come home. We talked about everything. He just wants me to be safe around Luke. He knows that Luke feeds from me and everything. I'm not even sure if I can be changed into one myself. Never actually worried about it. I mean the thought of it did cross my mind. Anyway, we talked. And things are much better. He isn't upset anymore and I think we are going to be okay.

Some people might think this means I can just sleep with anybody I want. That really isn't and wasn't the case. I don't do that. I really don't. I have only slept with one person that didn't mean anything to me. I never did know her name, but the point is, I felt awful after. Even if in my mind I pretended to know her, loved her during, and even after I can't forget her face. Been so long since, and really I have never forgotten her touch. But the point is, I don't go sleeping around, as much as people might think I do. I might be some god like creature that survives off of passion and love, lust, whatever you want to call it, but I also have feelings of my own and morals. Believe it or not. Sometimes my body doesn't listen to me. Or I get so caught up in people that I can't control myself, I don't think I could even if I did try to control it. It is a part of who I am and I can only hope that my lovers will try to understand as well.

I spent time with Lex. We did all the married couple type things together. It was amazing as always with Lex. His touch, I'm addicted to it. And with us being so close, him having parts of me in him, it makes it that much more addictive. I think that's why I always have this craving to be near him and when I'm not I go into a depression. So, everything is alright with us. Later that that night, after Lex fell asleep, I went to see Luke and talk to him about everything. Let him know how things are. That Lex is alright and everything is okay. He was pretty happy to see me and even more happy that Lex is okay too.

Luke had worried a lot that Lex would be upset by us. I stayed up all night with him, hardly got any sleep, I may of dozed off here and there, but eventually I woke up in my bed. Lex had gone off to work and I spent yesterday much like I always do.

This time however I did something stupid. I agreed to box with Joel. Joel is so rough. Even with me. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time, but he kept hitting me pretty hard. I think he has a lot of pent up frustration with everything. Mainly Dirk. He never did forgive me for being with Dirk, who he kept calling his soul mate. I feel pretty bad about that. Pretty much sibling rivalry coming out in the ring. He busted my lip, I have bruises all up and down my arms and a bruise now on my cheek, right after Lex already healed my jaw, another bruise on my face! I tackled Joel and gave him a noogie, didn't stop till he screamed like a girl and we both laughed about it. It was pretty high pitched. Big bad Joel screams like a girl. But then I do too, guess we really are twins. If he didn't look so much like me, I would think we had been adopted from different families with how different we are, at least now we share something in common. We are big girls that scream when our hair gets messed up.

It started getting dark after that, and Lex was still at work so I went to go see how Luke was. I couldn't help but feel maybe we needed to talk about some things. The night before was a little strained. We didn't get to talk too much, since I was so tired and passing out on him. We went out to the lake and did some talking, skinny dipped, that was fun. His body is normally cold so the cold water didn't bother him much, me though, I was a shivering mess. After a while I got use to it. I asked him questions about how it is to be a vampire. How it feels, and he told me a lot. And confirmed to me that he really does miss going out during the day. We agreed that we should go talk to Russ, see if something can't be done to help him. Would be really nice for him to be able to go out during the day.

And when we were done talking, after he told me everything about being what he is, I sat there and started to think about what I am. Why I do certain things that I do. That why if I am this god like thing, why do I appear to be human and have so many problems. Why does my brain seem so unstable that when I get depressed I really go deep. Deeper then anything. Then when I am happy, that there is nothing in the world that can bring me down. It's like I go from one extreme to another, and it is so very unstable too. It takes one harsh word, one look, to hurt my feelings. Why do I have to be so sensitive? I can sense feelings, I can even sometimes push my feelings onto others. If I have all these gifts, all the amazing qualities that everyone says I have, then why can't I use them right? I really have to learn to use these gifts I do have.

I have people tell me that I am amazing. That I am beautiful and handsome and just this amazing thing. I really wish sometimes that I could believe that. When really, to me it's the people around me that make me feel like I am worth something. But is that wrong? I don't know, maybe I'm just writing nonsense and being silly as usual. I do love who I am. I wouldn't change places with anybody. I just wish I knew who exactly that is. Who am I? Where did I really come from? I want to find out and I want to learn to use these gifts I have to their full potential.

Now just to figure out how to go about doing that.
I just hope that the darker side of it doesn't come out even more.



Cole

I did it! All by myself too, well I mean I went to the tattoo place all by myself, the girl actually did the piercing itself but I went all by myself and got it done! The only thing is, is that it hurt really, really, really bad. And coming up with a reason why I can't talk, cause my tongue hurts so much!

She was really nice though, she took her time and even sat there with me as I freaked out, squirmed in the seat and almost smacked at her. She thought it was cute, I didn't. I was really scared of how bad it would hurt. She kept telling me, Hannah that is, kept telling me that it would be okay. We even sat down and just talked for a while, Hannah said it would be a good way of calming me down. And it worked. After she even walked with me to the ice cream place and we had some ice cream together. Very nice girl. I told her why I did it, which even made her blush. Who would of thought. She has a bunch of piercings and tattoos too, lots of rings on her fingers, necklaces, she is all decked out. We hung out for a while but soon I had to head home.

I came up with a reason as to why I couldn't talk, kept pointing to my throat at everyone and pretending to cough. I was worried though, because Dean was trying to get me to go see Russ and get some medicine or something to make me better. Thankfully he got occupied by Ash having his head stuck in the bunny head again and left me alone. Ash, that silly bunny.

Been trying to avoid Lex at all costs. I don't want him to see me just yet. I want to surprise him with the piercing. In a certain way, and until it heals, well, can't be doing that. Have to keep it all clean and everything for another day or so. I'm sure it will heal fast though. He will be so surprised, I know it.

Other then that, it's been a pretty normal day. I even went out to the pool and saw Luke out there, he really does love hanging by the pool and getting sun now. I have to keep my eyes and ears open for Ares. At any moment he can swoop by and grab me. I seriously hope he doesn't do that around Lex. Lex would probably be pretty mad about it. I'm sure we will get Ares better, so that he doesn't freak out around me anymore.


Going to keep this short, cause I don't want to get caught by Lex in the room.


Cole

Had two more Dirk encounters. If that is what you want to call them, he asked about the bruises as I passed by, told him about the boxing. Then there was another encounter, a little later, though this one was different. I saw him rather then talked to him. The strange thing is, he didn't even realize I was near. Usually that is the one thing he can always do. Spot me head on, or smell me. He and Tommy were in the pool, I wasn't even that far from it as they started to play around and do other stuff.

I didn't stay to watch it all, I don't think I could of dealt with it anyway. But there is something about Tommy. Something so familiar about him, I can't put my finger on it though. I feel like I know him from somewhere. Maybe we met one time. Maybe he is a model and I met him out there with Dirk. Dirk always does keep his lovers close to home, if you know what I mean. Is it strange to say that when I see Dirk with him, it is like how he was with me? I mean almost exactly like how he use to touch me and talk to me, play around with me. I think it is strange.

Still haven't talked to Lex about it yet. About the talk Dirk and I had and the other stuff that happened. Not sure I want to, he might just get angry that I was talking to Dirk in the first place. But I can't keep them from seeing each other forever, at least not as long as Dirk is here. They are bound to bump into one another sometime, even if the house is huge. I wonder when Dirk is actually leaving. I haven't had a chance to talk to Tommy, maybe if I talk to him I can figure out where he is from. Yeah.

Everybody else is doing good. Joel and I were boxing again, now I wear the bruises pretty proudly. Feels good to get out frustration on my brother by punching him, though I don't hit hard at all, more like hit and run. Well he is stronger then me! He got me a few good times though, I ended up pulling his hair again at the end. He screamed, I laughed and I won!

Left my hands all bandaged, I think it looks pretty cool. Maybe this will be something I will get into, boxing. Joel loves it, he says it is really good and healthy way of doing a sport and getting out anger. Though I'm never angry. But I do get sad, maybe that will help with it. Not sure getting knocked in the head over and over will do me good though, don't need to be more dumb or crazy. But it is still fun.

I keep getting comments from everyone about the lip and tongue piercings. You would think that everyone would of seen them by now, but some of the brothers still stop me and look at them. It's funny. Not much else going on really. I haven't been out of the house much either. Thinking I should, I really am not liking it, being cooped up all this time. I don't like going out alone though, and with Lex always working, Luke sleeping all day cause he tries to stay up all night and day, and Jessie, he would never go to the RDI I don't think, I have nobody to go with!

Crazy stuff. I have all these friends and I still can't get someone to go out with me.

And now I'm bored of writing. I better go. Think I will take a nap, swim some, get in some boxing maybe and then possibly head out tonight. Might be fun, even if I have to go alone.


Cole

Nothing too eventful to mention today. The house has been quiet, well except for the water balloon fight we had. Joel, Ollie, Jam, and me, started pelting everyone with water balloons. It was really funny. I wouldn't let them get Lex, though they really wanted to. Him screaming and running was obviously a great target. He is so funny.

We got Dean really good. And even Gage. I saw Rian walking out across the lawn and I got him. He tackled me after though, gave me a noogie and smacked me on the top of the head. It was a really fun time. Ollie made his brownies and everyone ate them. After that it got even more fun. So fun that I can't remember much! But everyone tells me it was great. Drinking and strippers? Something like that. They say they took pictures and that I can see them later. I hope I didn't do anything too bad. But Lex was with us, so it should all be good.

I do remember after though, Lex and I in the bedroom. Snuggling in the bed and watching television. You know, that is the best right there. We don't always have to be doing naughty stuff to be happy. Cuddling and snuggling is great too. I love being in his arms and smelling him. Listening to his heartbeat, the way his chest rises softly as he is breathing. Scary sometimes with how in love with him I really am.

Me and Lex are still inseparable. And I am still loving every moment of it. We are going out today for a picnic and ice cream. Might convince him to go for a swim in the lake. That would be really fun.

The piercings are still a hit for Lex. That I do want to mention. He LOVES them. I mean he really does. The tongue one the most though. It makes him get all giggly and squealing. Okay, that is enough of that cause now I'm all blushing and stuff.

I should talk about Joel. I think he met someone. He is keeping so quiet about it. But I can sense he is dating someone. The way he smiles when I ask him where he has been. He gets all dressed up and tries to say it is nothing. I can tell. It's so good for him to get out again. He still believed that nobody was going to be like Dirk. That Dirk was the only one for him. But I think he finally realizes that Dirk isn't going to be with him. I just hope that this person is good to Joel. He really deserves it. My twin deserves to be happy. Maybe I will get to meet whoever it is he is dating. I would really like that.

Dean and the guys are working on another track. I can hear it sometimes. It sounds really great. And Rian and his band are at the other studio down the road working on one too. I was even invited to go listen. They are much louder then RD, even Vital Chaos. Rian does a lot of growling and screaming. It is awesome music. I can't wait to have their albums. And going to their shows. Not sure Lex would go with me though, I'm not too sure he will like all that screaming. But I bet he would go for me. Who knows, maybe he will like it. I will have to drag him to the studio with me to hear it.

Okay, I better get going. I still have to take a shower and get dressed. Wake Lex up in my usual fashion.


Cole

Okay, so..
Went to Milan with Luke. We visited Tony and Ben. Cute guys. Very nice to hang out with, and we did, till me and Luke started making out and Tony I think got jealous cause Ben was looking at us. Anyway, we left after Tony threw popcorn? Chips? I don't remember. He was making me uncomfy anyway. We went back to the hotel and watched a few movies then I passed out.

Next day, Luke goes to hang out with Ben and well, I figure I can hang out with Tony. Where is Lex in all of this? Working. He has been all busy again so I go out with Luke or hang around the house doing what I always did. Not that it's really bad this time, but I do miss him. Now I'm going off subject. Hanging out with Tony. And I did, though I think Tony is more worried about Luke and Ben then to have a good time. He kept asking me if I thought they would do anything. I really don't think Ben and Luke would do anything physical. Think they are just joking around and doing that vampire stuff. But I can't say for sure, though I know Luke would tell me everything. We don't keep secrets from each other.

Anyway, Tony knows how to dance and was trying to teach me. Which I am just about the clumsiest person in all of the planets. I am a horrible dancer, unless it is slow and close. Though I do know how to Tango and showed Tony that. He laughed and loved it. But I can't do the tapping stuff or that jazz dancing. No can do. I pretty much fell flat on my face, just like I told him I would. Tony is really sweet and very cute. He reminds me of Jessie, same accent and very much in love with Ben, just like Jessie is so wrapped around Gage. It's pretty nice to see and annoying at times. I wonder if I whine like that about Lex and go on about him like that. Probably do.

I think I have a thing for boys with accents. In fact I'm sure I have a thing for boys with accents. Lex has an American accent, which is really adorable. British accents are nice too. When they say certain words I just love it. Nobody really hears my accent anymore, but I think it's because I do a good job of mimicking everyone else, something my parents always taught me to do. Since they are not Greek, they taught me mainly to speak Rhydinian? Whatever that is, people all have different languages and accents here anyway, not like anyone would notice mine.

What was I talking about? Oh, Tony. Tony is sweet. We kissed and he got all flustered and didn't want to do anything to upset Ben. Which is okay with me. I didn't mean to kiss him, I guess mainly because at the time I was lonely. But when I woke up the next morning, I was better and told him I was very sorry for kissing him. I would even tell Ben it was my fault if that made Tony feel better. I think Tony and I could be very good friends. I like him, and so cute.

Ben is just like Gage. Loud, big, dominate. He seems a little darker then Gage though. And he is the baby of the bunch. Just crazy. But he is very nice too, always was. It was great seeing him again. Have to visit him more often. Might try to see if Gage and Lex wouldn't want to come next time. Make it a group thing, we could all have a nice time together.

But I went home. Back to the main house. Figured Lex would of been working so I didn't really rush in and check. I probably should of felt him. Maybe I was just too tired. I opened the door and there he was laying in bed. Have I written just how amazingly beautiful he is? I mean, I walk into the room and he is there, it's just that silly angel singing in the background stuff. I climbed into bed with him and we snuggled for a while. Something wasn't right though, and I asked him what was on his mind. What was he thinking. And he told me he wrote in his journal. The way he said it and I knew something wasn't right. I convinced him to let me read it and when I did, my heart just sunk.

My poor baby. He thinks that he makes me sad and that he stops me from being well.. me. I wanted to assure him so much that it was anything but that. What is the real problem with me? I get lonely. And when I get lonely I do stupid things like running after my ex. As much as I still love and care for Dirk, I know how much it would hurt Lex if I went after Dirk again. How much it would hurt him if he saw me and Dirk together. I can't do that to him, not again. Don't want to make him cry and sad ever again. Besides, Dirk is a happily married man now and I couldn't be more happy for him. So, ha. Done and done.

Lex wanted to head to the pool and be naughty. Be loud and wake everyone up. He is so silly sometimes. Note to self.. don't send such strong waves, jolts, whatever it is, to Lex again. He wasn't happy about messing up his jeans before getting to the pool. But it was hot, very hot and I love the noises he makes. Maybe just a few more times then I will behave. Yeah.

Anyway! Out to the pool and we swam around. He keeps calling me a tease. I mean screaming it at me. I love teasing him. I bet he knows that. Then I started to call him Alex. Come on, how cute is Alex, or Alexander? Adorable name. But he thought I was thinking about someone else and started to get angry. His nostrils flare and he starts growling. Hot and scary. I know he wouldn't ever hurt me, but he can scream really loud. That hurts my ears. Then I scream back, hurt his ears and then it just gets out of hand.

Off subject again. Swimming, he was after me and caught me finally. I won't say anything about what happened then, but he was not in the mood for any games. He wanted what he wanted and took it. Was the best. I'm all blushing right now thinking about it. Love him so much, I hope he really knows that.

Today was one of those days. Where I just go hang around and even boxed with Joel again. He hits so hard! Like always I got him back though. You would think he would be wise to me, that he would know that I'm going to pull his hair. He really thought I meant it when I promised not to. Ha Ha. Got him. We shared a smoothie after and he told me about his new friend. He wants to call it a friend. He won't even tell me if it is a guy or girl. Doesn't matter either way to me, just the smile on his face is what matters. I haven't seen him this happy in a long time. I hope this works out for him and I get to meet who it is that is making my brother happy.

Other then that, I have been lounging by the pool, getting a tan and relaxing. To be very honest I'm still sore from last night. Lex let me feel just how much he missed me. I love it when he gets like that.

Okay. I think I rambled on enough.


Cole

Very funny that I read back and that my first sentence in the last entry is.. "Things are going good for me lately", which isn't the case now. Though really, I did this to myself.

Lex left yesterday. I don't know where he went, how long he will be gone, nothing. Except he told me he would be in touch. He wouldn't even look at me. Told me that too, that he couldn't. All I could do was sit there on the bed and watch him get his things and walk out the door. Surprised myself that I didn't scream and run after him, but what would be the point? There wouldn't be one. I told him the truth about what happened the night before. Where I had been and why I never came home till the next afternoon. He was more than angry.

I was with Dirk. Yeah. And yeah, I slept with him and we spent the night together and most of the day next. It was my fault mostly. I know everyone will say that it takes two, and that's true, but I convinced him to stay with me in a hotel and I was the one to start touching. Thought I was over him? Yeah, me too. I don't regret what happened, because I do love Dirk and I'm sorry that I hurt people like this, I really am. I never wanted to hurt Lex. Never wanted him to be so angry that he didn't want to look at me anymore and leave.

Not sure if I will be divorced, but if that's what Lex wants, I will do it. I think he knows that. I wouldn't want him to suffer because of me. He deserves a good guy that will be the way he needs. I think he was right, he is human, and I'm not. An excuse? I don't know what it is. But it seems that humans believe in a thing called monogamy. I had to look it up. I don't understand it myself really. I could never understand how you are suppose to only love and share yourself with one human being for the rest of your life. Do you realize how long that is? To a human a few decades, right? But me? I'm not even sure when I will die, if I ever will, at least naturally. I have told everyone that I am eighteen, and in human years that isn't exactly right. I believe I'm ten in human years. Something crazy like that. But I grew up quickly, and now my body is the way it will be forever. I will never change, grow old, nothing. I'm going off topic and talking about things I really don't understand myself anyway.

Just trying to say that it is a very long time to hold only one person in your heart. I'm sorry, I love many more than just one. I feel the need to show those that I love, just how much. And sometimes it makes people sad that I do, the ones that want me to themselves. I'm sorry to all of them. I really am, but I can't change who I am and what I am. Lex did understand that to a point. But he didn't want me anywhere near Dirk. That was one of the things I thought I could make myself do for him. And I was wrong and for that I am sorry. I can't tell you how much. I'm not sorry I did it, I'm sorry that I lied and said I could stay away. I really did try, Lex. I did try.

Luke knows. Luke knows everything. And so does Dirk. I haven't told anyone else. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. They shouldn't feel sorry for me. They should feel bad for Lex. I did this to him, not the other way around.

Think I said enough about all of that. Lex is gone. And I moved out of the room too. Down to Jaden's old guest house, but I'm thinking of leaving Rhydin for a while. Thinking of going to Greece, I want to try and figure out what I am exactly, maybe where I came from. Be away from that house and the memories and Lex's scent. My clothes smell like him, I need to wash them. I haven't cried as much as I thought I would. I think it's building up. I'm trying to stay all positive and brave, that I can do this. I'm going to keep living, whether I like it or not.

I hope Lex finds what he needs. He deserves it.

Talked to Dirk and he hasn't told Tommy anything. Not sure if he will or not, but that's up to him. He doesn't want me to leave, but what else can I do? I can't sit around and wait for if Lex will come back, and I can't sit around and wait for Dirk to tell me when we can see each other again either.

Luke is there for me. He really is my best friend. He held me up when I felt like I was about to just fall to the ground and shatter. I love him so much. It's his idea to take a trip for a few days. I told him about Greece and he thinks that's a great idea. And now I'm suppose to be packing and getting on our way. So, I better go.


Life changes so quickly. I hope I can catch up.

Cole

I know, been a while since I wrote. Things have been good, no drama, no upsetting things, yet. Yet being the keyword there. And guess what, Lex came for me. He is here in Greece with me and we are having the best time. We walk out and explore. I still haven't been able to convince my adoptive parents to give me more information. I'm hoping that Lex can talk them into it. I hate how they hide things from me. Always worried they think I'm still sick and going to come and drag me back home. I hope not. I know they love me and worry, but Lex is taking very good care of me.

Other than that, everything is great. Just last night we went out to a little club and danced, drank and had a really fun time. It's sort of like another honeymoon. I'm all about that. Lex seems to really enjoy himself here. Sort of like a second home. Maybe we should get a nice little house here for when we visit. That could be really good. I mean, I know this is my real home, so of course I want to come back and spend more time. But I'm missing my brothers back in Rhydin. Should call them again and see how they are.

Last time I talked to Joel, he was moving into another guest house. Said the main house was getting full. More brothers moving in, so that's great. I can't wait to meet the new ones. Though I think he is moving to where he can have his "friend" come and visit and not have people figure out that he is dating someone. He still won't come clean about who it is. I'm going to find out one way or another, even if I have to stalk him. Yeah that's right, I will find out!

Going to call Rhy and see when that baby is going to possibly come, I don't want to miss that! I love babies, and I can't wait to see how cute it's going to be. With Dean as the daddy and Rhy as mommy? That baby is going to be so precious. I want to babysit all the time. Daniel and his new baby brother or sister, just so cute.

I miss Lyssa, Jade and Lyren. I hope all those girls are doing good too. I should call them too. Wonder if Lyssa would come out and visit, or I should go see her. Miss her kisses and hugs. And I know Jade is with that guy Dakota, from what I hear he is a good guy and that they are happy. Which is so great. I really do need to check up on them.

Let's see, what else. Rian and Eddy sent me a demo of one of their new songs. It sounds wonderful. They said they are still recording and when they have the whole album done, I get a free one of course and free tickets for when they tour. Can't wait for that either. Maybe I can convince them to tour some here in Greece. That way I can visit here and have some of my brothers here with me. I can show them around.

Back to Lex. I think everything is going to be okay now with him and me. We talked through it all and I really think it's going to work this time. Besides, neither of us ever want a divorce. I don't want to do that ever. Hope he stays with me always, even if we end up just being a married couple that isn't like.. married married? Probably doesn't make sense, but I just always want him in my life. No matter what happens in the future, I always want him around. He feels the same way, I know he does. But right now things are going good, so I'm going to keep thinking all positive.

Greece is beautiful! We might stay for another week or so, I'm not sure yet. We will see. I really don't even want to go. I'm going to talk to Lex about the house thing. We can go house shopping. I will grab a few of those magazines when I head down to the store in a little while. The ads for houses and apartments. Can't always stay in a stinking hotel when I visit. Besides, I bet if I talked to Jaden, he would set up a house here for the brothers. Another vacation spot. Yeah. Gage would do it too, he would help to buy it. I can talk him into anything. He is such a push over, that's why I love him so much.

I also met someone. His name is Dion. I didn't tell him that my great grandfather's name is Dionysus. Anyway, he is really nice. He is around our age, a little younger than Lex. We all hang out. He wants to show us more hot spots around here. I really like him, he has a nice accent. Mine is very faint, so he doesn't know I'm from around here either. Lex gets along with him too. Dion and I went out by ourselves while Lex took a nap, he told me a lot of the mythology of Greece. It was all very interesting. Maybe if I get to know him better I will tell him about me and my family. Who knows, he might be able to help me too. He is coming for dinner tonight, really sweet guy to bring us authentic meals from his father's restaurant for free.

Well, I better get going. Time to head to the store and wake up Lex. He has been sleeping all this time! Sleepy head. Shouldn't keep wearing him out so much, can't help it though.



Cole

Last night was really fun. I decided to go out again. Cause there wasn't much to do, Joel did a good job of hiding and I couldn't see where he ran off to. Meeting that secret lover no doubt! Brat. Gage was busy getting the house ready for Thanksgiving, along with most of the other brothers. They love to go all out. They asked if I wanted to help, but I'm an accident waiting to happen. Stapled my finger a few times and I was told that they didn't want me to get hurt, so I watched for a while instead. But it got so boring!

Okay, on to going out. I went out and saw for one.. and big dude with horns. He was really cool looking. And he had fur and everything. Even got to see some little boy with a scary duck toy. I just kept to the couch and watched. No need to go near that creepy duck.

Then! Guess who walked in?! Jade. Haven't seen her in ages. She kept trying to tickle me, but the Nexus stole me up and didn't put me back for a while. Did I forget to mention that I was naked the whole time? I was! Good thing the Nexus was kind enough to give me a blanket that I kept wrapped around me the whole time. I even saw this really cute girl with red hair, I think I heard someone say her name, but I can't remember. All I know is that she is super cute. Wanted to go over and grab her up. But she seemed really busy.

What else? Hm. Still on the couch, Jade got me tickled by using that magic she has. I couldn't stop laughing. Her man, Dakota came in. They look so cute together. Didn't get to stay long after that though, because Lex came in and stole me up. Told him I was naked under the covers and he seemed actually pretty happy about that. Go figure.

We went home and of course he needed to eat. I love it when we do that. He is so rough and yet so sweet and gentle at the same time, if that makes any sense. He is so worried about breaking me. I'm tougher than I look, really.

After he ate, we cuddled on the couch and did other things. But soon I grew restless and dragged him out. We grabbed Sean, Gage, Dion, Jamey, Joey, and even Os and Ivy! We all went clubbing. It was so fun. Everyone was dancing and having a good time. We drank and pretty sure we were all sloppy drunk. Gage kept dancing with a very pretty girl, think her name started with a V, not sure. He seemed pretty happy. They left together pretty early while the rest of us kept drinking and bar hopping.

Dion is so funny. He kept getting up on the bar and stripping. We all cheered him on and even gave him dollar bills, which he used to get us more drinks. Ivy and Os were off dancing for a bit too, I think they like each other. I'll keep that to myself though, wait and see if anything happens. Maybe I can give them a little nudge into dating. They would make a cute couple.

Then, we went to another club where Destroy the Previous was playing. I love them! They did such a good job, and Joey looked so hot up there. Her and Rian have a little thing going. Another cute little couple. I kept looking for Wes and Kai, but I think they stayed home. Soon, we all got a bit tired of dancing and headed to the local park. Where we weren't suppose to be, but we did anyway. All sat around and talked and joked with each other. Sean started talking about he met someone while he was in New York. I'm happy for him. He needs to find a good person. He's like a brother to me, I was wanting to fix him up, but it looks like fate found him first. Have my fingers crossed for him that he finds the right person sometime. Or at least has fun doing it!

And then we all walked home. Wobbling back and forth and being tipsy. It was funny. I got on Lex's back and he gave me piggyback all the way back to the house, where we all crashed in the living room.

So, like I said, last night was fun! Had a great time. Can't wait to do it again. Going to gather up as many of my brothers and friends and head out again tonight. And even stop by and grab Lyssa. Been missing that girl like crazy. I need some cuddles and kisses from her.

Okay, I'm going.

Going to go back to bed and snuggle with Lex and Dion. Though Dion sleeps at the end of the bed, isn't that strange? He says it makes him feel secure. I don't know, that boy can be so strange. But I love him. Best friends always.


Cole

I went out again. Going to keep this short because Lex and I are going out in a few minutes. Okay, so let's start with that day. I did the usual. Hung out with Dion and even went to see Rian, Ed, and Joey do some recording. That was cool. Wanting to play the guitar more and more that I see them practice, it looks like so much fun.

Anyway, after that Dion went to go back and hang with the brothers as I headed out and met up with Ivy, on the way. We went to the RDI again and sat on the couch. Talked a lot about things. Well, it turns out that she has feelings for me. Now at first I'm thinking that of course she does! We are now great friends, of course she loves me. I think she is a little confused by it. Which then confuses me. I do love her, I think she is a great girl and I feel at complete ease when we are together. I can fall for a girl like her, even if she believes that she isn't my type.

So, she sat on my lap by the fire, on the couch, and we just talked. There was another guy on the couch next to us and he looked like he was going to say something when we were talking, not sure if it was to us though. He was interesting looking, very pretty, but quiet and looked as if he was there to watch more than be involved. Which was okay, eye candy is always good. Let's see, oh, some blond guy came in, I wasn't too impressed with him. He seemed to walk around and look like he believes he is all that. No thanks. Sometimes you can get vibes from people that just tell you, stay away. Not nice and no good. Yup.

Soon I decided that we needed to go. We wanted to talk privately anyway. To the Teas n' Tomes. That place is really nice. Ivy and I ordered some good snacking food and some strawberry milk. Their strawberry cake is just about to die for. I ate it with my fingers, Ivy didn't seem to mind. She started acting a little nervous around me though, which had me worried. I don't want things to get strange between us. I know she has a big crush on Os, so really, I always left the thought of her and I alone. Besides, that's something I would have to talk over with Lex and Lyssa. See how they felt about someone else being involved with me. I do of course want to take in their side of things and their wants and needs.

We ate more cake and just talked even more. But soon I was getting tired and missing Lex, so I offered to take her home. When I walked her to the door, we exchanged another kiss, a small one, but it held sparks in it. No other way to explain it. She told me that I'm dangerous. I wasn't sure what that meant. I couldn't hurt a fly, at least not intentionally.

After getting her safely inside, I headed back home and met up with Lex. Who was at the kitchen table and reading. We hugged and I told him about Ivy. He seems interested, even asked me if she had big boobies. That silly boy and his boobies fetish. I smacked him for that, but did tell him that she does indeed have a nice body with very nice boobies. I will smack him harder if he tries to touch. I swear, he gets in a daze and starts grabbing for them, like he becomes possessed by a straight guy! Have to snap your fingers in front of his face and tell him no no.

Things got heated, as they always do with Lex. But something happened, it was different this time. I felt like taking control. I wanted to make him beg for me and to even tie him up and do unmentionable things to his body. I won't write all that down, I have a good imagination, let's leave it at that. Lex seemed really surprised by my behavior. I couldn't tell if he was freaked out or liking it. By the time we got into the bedroom, and I left some really good sized welts and even cuts on his butt with my belt, it was pretty clear by his noises that he enjoyed it. So much so that I didn't have time to do anything else before he grabbed me. And no, not grabbed me like naughty, grabbed a hold of me and started to feed. The thing is, he has never been like that, and not in the place that he did it, he actually went right for my heart. Needless to say that I became weak very fast. I even started to loose feelings in my arms and legs.

Lex freaked out. Said I was looking pale and not moving very well. Honestly I was in a daze and feeling all numb, but the tingles were still there. Lex has this way of doing things to me that I just can't even describe. Just a look and he has me wrapped around his finger. I think the same goes for me. His smell, his touch, I can't get enough of him. I have no doubt that I have married my soul mate. Yes I know that I talk of loving others. But really, like I had told Ivy last night, you can love many. It's just different kinds of love for all. With me, Lex is my other half. I can't live without him. He knows that. I think everyone knows that. If he died, I would follow. Think he feels the same about me. No reason to exist if the other is gone. A little morbid I know.

Of course I love Lyssa, Ivy, Dion, all of them. But I think they would all understand my feelings for Lex. Okay, mushy lovey and morbid enough for you yet?

And that was my night. It got even more heated and I won't write that down. I mean, it's in my memory and that's what matters. Not sure if I'm going out tonight, depends on what Lex wants to do or if Ivy wants to go out again. If Lex is busy, I will probably go find Ivy and hang with her. Just all depends.

Think I wrote more than enough. Time to go get Lex.


Cole

Yesterday was great! Had so much fun hanging out with Dion and Lex. We were out at the pool for a little while. Dion is funny, he is a little scared of water so he refuses to go to the deep end. Something about when he was a kid, think his dad threw him in to teach him to swim, so now he doesn't really like to. But he does like to be in the shallow end and relax. He's so cute in his Hawaiian shorts and that sunscreen on his nose. Adorable. Lex put it on him for him. Lex and Dion really get along. They act like brothers. Fun to watch them joke around together. Dion though has taken a liking to a guy he met at a club that other night. Smitten is what it looks like. Be nice if he finds a boyfriend around here. Maybe convince him to stay here in Rhydin with us till we go back to Greece.

After a little while, Dion went back to the house to have a nap. Me and Lex stayed at the pool and started talking. He wanted to get his thingy pierced like mine. Which at first I wasn't wanting. Cause I don't want him out of commission for the night. But then again, he will heal and if it wasn't fast enough, I could do it. He got all excited about it and everything. So we made the plans to head out to the tattoo parlor and get it done. Not before heading home and taking a shower, all that good stuff.

While Lex was in the shower, I went by Ivy's place to see how she was. She was asleep when I got there. So, I left her alone and let her chill out. Wonder how her and Os are doing after he got that phone call. I'll probably call her today and see how she is. Have my fingers crossed that she doesn't freak out on him. Or that Os doesn't hurt her, otherwise I will have to beat him up. Like I could, but I could always try! He better not hurt my bestie.

I went back to the house and Lex was all ready to go. We got into the car and drove out there. But I wanted to do a little something something before we got it done. And of course I always get what I want. He didn't even seem to mind that we were getting naughty in the car. I think he is starting to get a little more comfortable about it. Besides, the windows are tinted really good. Nobody could of seen anything. Though he did leave me frustrated. Which he loves to do just as much as I love to do to him.

We got inside the parlor and I wanted to be the one to give him the piercing. And he said no matter the cost, he was sure that they would show me and I could. And I did! He was all tied up cause he knew he would freak out. Told him it would be okay and made sure to give him lots of kisses and snugglies beforehand. After it was done, he was pretty happy. Was hard to see him yell and hurt, but we got it done and now he is a happy boy. He keeps whipping it out around the house and pushing it in my face. Like hello! He's so crazy sometimes.

Spent the night in bed cuddling and talking about various things. He just doesn't know how much I love him. I really don't think he does. I try to show him everyday but sometimes words and even showing it doesn't seem to cover it. I love him so incredibly much. Can watch him all day and never get sick of it. So rare to find something like this. I know he feels the same way. I can see it in his eyes and when he holds me close at night. Just can't get any better with him. That's my baby. Alexander.. Boy he hates that name! I wonder why. I think it's a great name. Much better than Cole. Not a big fan of my name either.

This morning I let Lex sleep in. Dion at the bottom of the bed curled up as usual. Let them both sleep. Instead I headed out to the main house and caught up with Dean. Rhy should be having that baby any day now. I'm so excited. I want to be an uncle again. And to babysit! Give me and Lex some practice for when we have a baby or ten. Dean looks so happy. He can't wait to see his new little bundle of joy. Daniel is doing good too, he is getting so big! That's my little guy. Cute as a button. I call him my little Peanut. Spent some time with both of them, played with Daniel and read him a few stories. Gave tons of kisses to Rhy's tummy and told the little baby in there to give mommy a break. She seems so tired. Poor thing. I tried to cuddle her but she was armed with a corndog. I settled for a kiss to the cheek and headed back towards the pool and watched a game of water volleyball.

So nice to have an indoor pool that keeps you all warm and toasty. Sipping a nice cool smoothie and entertainment. Ollie showed up with his special brownies and I won't lie, I had one! So yummy. After that I got a bit loopy, as I always do and I'm pretty sure that I was chucking the volleyball at a few of my brothers. Whoopsie. I don't hit hard anyway. Soon I was okay and ready to head inside and settle on the couch to watch a movie. Joel joined me and we watched a movie about some nutso killer snowman. Which freaked me out and I swore I would never make another snowman if he was going to try and stick his carrot in my eye!

Joel fell asleep. He obviously didn't take the scary snowman seriously. I went out and started to demolish all the ones I made before. Won't be getting me with those carrots! Nope. I took care of them. Scary snowmen. I should of never sang that Frosty the Snowman song to make them come alive. Pretty sure I heard one growl at me when I was knocking it down. Freaky!

And here I am now. Sitting in the room with Lex, who is still fast asleep. Dion got up and went to the main house for breakfast. I told him to avoid the snowmen I may of missed. He promised to be careful. Though I should of warned him about the little goblin that steals your pancakes. He loves those pancakes and when you turn your head? He steals them. You only know it is him by his little heckling laugh. I usually get extra pancakes for him. So that way, at least I can eat too. I think he's cute but everyone else says he is a menace. I call him Greenie. Since he has a green face. Though really I think that he stole some of Ivy's face mask stuff and has been wearing it ever since. I should tell Ivy about that. She will probably have to hide her green face mask stuffs.

Okay, I'm going to get going and snuggle with Lex before he wakes up. He will probably be hungry and I need a little rest before that. If anything happens I will keep you up to date, Frankie.


Cole

I have taken to keeping my journal with me now, seeing as how I tend to sometimes not be at home, like right at this moment, I'm in Azahr's apartment. And if I keep it away from me then I will miss entries and forget things. Suppose that I should start with not yesterday, but the day before.

Spent that whole day thinking about Azahr and wondering what he was doing, very sure that I was going to head to the Red Dragon to see him that night. Which I am pretty sure that I gushed to anybody that would listen about him, that whole day before I did end up over at the RDI. Lexi thinks it is cute that I have a crush on Azahr. Though he did call me a heart-breaker, but I think he was kidding. I wouldn't ever hurt anybody on purpose of course. I can't do that. Hurts me to hurt others. Dion kept nudging me and giving me a look. And asking me if I was going to sleep with Az, which I told him I already did. Course that wasn't what he meant, not 'sleeping' but the other thing. Made me blush and I told him that I didn't know. Had I thought about it? Yeah, I can say honestly I had thought about it before asked.

After swimming for a little bit and a nice shower, I did go to the RDI. Azahr was already there, and so was Jade, a girl now that I know is Crystal, Azahr's cousin, Lang, Rika and even Ivy showed up too. A night of great friends. But Azahr seemed to be talking with Crystal and so I left him alone, gave Jade hugs, and she asked me to be a bride's man, but I don't have to wear a dress, just stand on her side with the bridesmaids. Of course I said yes! How great is that? The teasing started though, Lang was being awful, made me blush like crazy. Kept pointing at Azahr for Jade, and saying that's who I was looking at and making faces at. Az started to look a little embarrassed and so that made me feel a little bad. But I think the teasing was all in good fun. By the time Ivy showed up, she even got into it and finally got Azahr and I on the couch together, saying she wanted to cuddle us both. But she got up and left me and Azahr on the couch together, the little matchmaker she is. Silly girl. That's a good friend. I'm so crazy about her.

After being on the couch with Azahr, I got so taken up with him that I probably didn't pay attention to anybody else but him. And I kept most of his attention on me as well, which I really didn't mean to do, I know he has other friends he likes to talk to. To make it short though, we talked about another night together. This time however held the promise of more cuddling, among other things. And well, it did happen, a few times. I don't want to say too much here, not in writing anyway, it will be in my memories forever. The night was amazing, I have only slept with Lex, so sleeping with another man was different and intriguing. I didn't tell Azahr how I felt about sharing my body with him, just what it means to me. That he is more special to me than he probably believes.

Morning came rather quick, and there was more sharing of ourselves. Until finally he was so worn I left him to rest. He looked so peaceful when I headed back out. I didn't go far, just to the RDI, hoping that he would soon follow me. Now this is yesterday, just to be clear. When I walked in, nobody was really around that I knew, but there was Mishka and Tara, Tara seemed busy with someone and Mishka, well Mishka always seems so quiet and I don't want to bother him. But he did however see my pierced tongue and that started a conversation, and a pillow chucking competition, at each other.

Yesterday was such a blur. I wasn't even drunk and yet I felt like it. Must of been all those moments with Azahr that left me light headed. I'm trying to think of everything that happened, but it was so much. I stayed on the couch, Ivy came in and so did Crystal, more talking of piercings, so much so that I was embarrassed. Trying to not talk too much about naughty things in public, I know it can make some people uneasy. And there was a little one that came in too, didn't want her to listen to it. Not sure she was anyway, because I have seen people that look like kids and they turn out to be adults, but around kiddies, you have to be careful.

Let me see. Azahr came in after a little while. I would be lying if I said that he wasn't who I was waiting for and even glancing at the door over and over for. I really wanted to see him. We cuddled and everyone still kept on talking about piercings. I mainly kept quiet. Brandon did come over too, that's Jade's brother, and he wants to stay at the guest houses, which is okay with me and I told him so. He's a sweet guy, really tall.

Was I naked before or after Tara came over and talked to Azahr? Oh gosh, I don't remember. I just remember she told him to never hurt me or walk out on her again. I didn't ask about what happened that Azahr walked out on her, it seemed to make him tense up when she mentioned it. I blushed of course that she would come over and tell him to be good to me. I didn't know she cared. And I'm happy she does, cause I just adore her. Have to remember to give her a hug and kiss if I see her anytime soon.

And naked? Yeah, I ended up naked, so did Ivy and Brandon. I dared Ivy and Brandon said he would of Ivy did. I even called her a chicken, knowing she would of course disrobe right then and there. And so that's how I ended up naked. Which I was going to anyway, to show Mishka the piercings. I'm not ashamed of my body in the least. But it was fun to get others to get naked with me. There was a lot going on after that. Ivy rushing to get dressed, Mishka taking our clothes and running off with them, Tara being a silly little goose, Brandon freaking out that his clothes were gone too, and finally Azahr being really quiet.

That's the one thing that really worried me. Azahr became very quiet. Of course I thought I must of done something. Maybe me being naked in front of everyone bothered him, or I don't know. I kept asking him what was wrong, he wouldn't say anything other than he was okay. Didn't believe him, something wasn't right. The night got just stranger. Everyone pretty much left, until it was just Mishka, Azahr and I near the hearth. Mishka even came over to sit with us and that's when it got really quiet, a nice quiet really, little bit of touching, nothing perverse of course. Gentle touches and enjoying each others company.

A woman came in, started asking about Crystal and that Crystal had been upset. I kept my mouth shut and thought about what was happening. Something was possibly upsetting Crystal and nobody had asked her or paid that much attention to her. I felt horrible. How could I not of seen that something may of been wrong with someone right next to me? Because I was too busy being crazy and taking all the attention from Azahr for myself. I still feel horrible right now. I want to apologize to her, but, I don't want to make things worse. Started to think that maybe I should leave her cousin alone so that they can spend time together instead. That I keep him all to myself and it's not fair to anybody else, especially his family.

Not long after that, I suddenly felt like I needed to get out. Just go. Leave Azahr alone and go. Maybe I am what Dion said, nothing but trouble. I cause problems for people. That I try and get all the attention for myself and it ends up hurting other people. I really don't mean to do that, I really don't. I should just shut up and sit down and let everyone else talk and spend time together. Or maybe I should stop going out there for a while. I don't know. Did end up going home with Azahr again. I didn't sleep last night though, I kept watching him sleep and wondering if I was really something he needs in his life. I keep him from studying and from spending time with his family. Not exactly a good thing, I don't think. I know he doesn't see it that way, but what about Crystal? Does she see me as a distraction for him? If I was her.. I would. She deserved attention too, not just from Azahr but everyone. Should of paid more attention to her, I shouldn't of started that getting naked stuff. As much fun as I did have, it makes me sad that not everyone was having the same fun.

I think too much. Sometimes. Other times I don't think enough about the consequences of my actions. Which is why I get myself and others in trouble. At least I do know that. I'm not oblivious to it. The biggest question I have going through my mind right now is.. Am I good for Azahr? I don't want to be away from him. Sharing my body with him wasn't just because I liked him, it was more than that. To then just walk away after that is heartbreaking. Maybe I just need to talk to him, tell him how I feel, that I worry. That I do want to stay in his life, I just don't want to cause him any trouble. I think that makes sense. I will wait till he wakes up on his own though or maybe for once I need to keep my mouth shut. Let him rest, he really seems to need it.

I'm going to give Ivy a call in a little while too. See how she is and that she is okay after last night. I know she seemed to be having a blast. And to call Jaden and let him know that Brandon is going to stay with us for a little while. Get him his own house all set up for whenever he wants to come back too. He is always welcome with us. And Lexi. Need to call him and make sure he is doing okay for the day and that I will go and see him later, let him know that Dion needs a good smack for calling me trouble. Because now I really believe I am.

Okay, I wrote enough and now I feel all bummed. Maybe some sweets will cheer me up. Wait for Azahr to get up. He looks so cute sleeping, maybe I will just cuddle with him more and who knows what else.


Cole

Lately the nights have been whirlwinds. So many things happening that I don't even know where to begin. I really don't. I suppose what I can do is start with names of the ones I have been spending them with. Make it a bit easier for myself to remember as much as I can.

Lex. Things with Lex have been wonderful as always. The other day I spent time with him and we sat, watching a few movies. Snuggling on the couch and spending quiet time together. A few times I fell asleep against him, seeing as how it was so comfortable. His body being chilly doesn't really bother me, in fact at times it is a comfort. It lets me know that he is still there. Dion came down and jumped on us though. Woke me up and he wanted to start a tickle fest. Which lately my days have been full of. I should of never let anyone know that I am ticklish. But then all you have to do is one simple touch to a side or foot and I will start laughing hysterically. Guess that's a good way to give it away. Lex, I'm not sure is ticklish anymore. Or if he is affected by my gifts. I suppose I need to test that out and try. Just wish I had more control over them. But Lex is doing really good, being his usual kinky and crazy self. I do adore him.

Azahr. Where to to even begin. I was never looking to fall in love again. Or for someone like him to come into my life. I did tell him how I feel. And he said it back! I can't even write on paper how happy that made me. I believe that night we continued to say it well into the morning. Whispering to each other in the Inn and then even when we went back to his place. Nights with him have been amazing. I can't seem to stop touching him or watching him. He has become someone so special to me, just as Lex. How lucky I am to have such wonderful men in my life. I didn't expect him to feel the same way, to be very honest I thought that he and I were causal lovers, if that makes sense. Sure I had the feelings for him but I wasn't about to try and make him love me if he didn't, or wasn't ready for it. We talked of forever last night. He got me something! A medallion that I just love and I have on right now. I told him it will never come off. Working on that forever part of the deal. And I made him promise to take care of himself when I happen to be gone. Pretty sure Crystal would help me to take care of him. Azahr's very cute cousin. She's so sweet. And has the hots for this guy named Lyov. Which he scares me a little bit. Gruffy looking maybe? Dangerous? But then I think that's what Crystal likes about him. Though it did come out that he is a romantic, so that makes me feel a little better for her. And that she did the naughty with him. Go Crystal.

Which let me say this about Crystal.. There was a guy, Jared, calling me a princess and stuff. Well Crystal told me to ignore it and not let him bother me. Her being next to me helped so much and calmed me down. It was really sweet of her and I appreciated her there with me. Yeah, like I said, she's a sweet girl.

I could go on and on about Lex and Azahr, but it wouldn't give me much room to write about the other important people to me. And I want to make sure I write them down, so I can remember years from now just how wonderful they were and will be.

Ivy. My spunky little best friend. How I love that girl. She is probably just as crazy as I am. When we are together it's just a blast. She makes me laugh like no other. I feel bad for her though, she needs someone to be close to that isn't a best friend. Someone she can share her nights with. I have yet to meet someone good enough for her. Because is there anyone good enough for my Ivy? I don't think so. I did tell her how I felt about Azahr, she is happy and a little jealous. But I think it's more of a jealous that she wants someone too. Need to be on the look out for a guy for her. He has to be great though. Nice and understanding of how much I care for her and that I would kill him if he hurt a hair on her pretty little head. No joking there. Don't mess with my friends. I might not be all tough but I sure do have many other friends and brothers that will do it for me. Anyway, I love her. And I want to make sure she is happy. Going to work on that. Extra cuddles for my best friend.

Dion. Brat. Simple right there. He is being a brat. He goes running around the house naked. I think he has taken to wanting to be a nudist. Which is just fine by me and Lex. Like we don't want to look! I can oogle a pretty body. I just won't touch. I have far too many beautiful men and women in my life. Not that I'm complaining. Get them all in a room and unclothed? I would be in pure heaven. Back to Dion, because I got sidetracked thinking of all those beautiful bodies. He is happy, dating still and I'm so happy for him. Maybe I should enlist him to help me find Ivy a guy. I know she likes them all pierced and rough looking. I will keep that in mind. See, I talk about one person and boom, I start blabbing about someone else. Maybe this list of people wasn't such a good idea. I can't help it. They are all so special and mix together.

Gage. Gage has been scarce lately. Always dressed nice and going out. Giving me a look. And I know that look, he is going back to find the mystery girl. He told me that he doesn't know her full name, that only it is V to him. And to her he is G. He says it makes it all interesting to not know full names. Or where they may meet up. Not sure if he has told V that he is a lycan and can sniff her out. Might lose some of the mystery there if he did, probably. It's just nice to see him happy and excited for once. He is even taking a break from modeling. I couldn't believe it. The workaholic taking a break. If only he could convince Sean to do that too.

But Sean is a whole other story. He on the other hand wants to work because he has been working mainly with his boyfriend. Seems a lot of magazines are taking to having two hot guys in their pages, together. Told him he better behave and not go and do other things like naughty magazines and movies. He laughed. I didn't. Don't need to see that! As much as I love Sean, I don't need to walk into a video store and see one of my brothers in the naughty section. Not that I go into those sections. That's what I send in Lex for. But I could just see Lex picking up a copy just because Sean was in it and surprising me with it. He would get a good spanking for that. Oh! I spanked Ivy.. It was funny. And now I'm going back to being sidetracked. Azahr almost caught me spanking her! Okay, I will try to get back to what I was writing before.

Mishka? That right there is trouble. And he is proving me right over and over! First he tickles Azahr, which okay, I thought it was funny and cute. Even when he bit him. Was I jealous? No. Because two hot guys touching, laughing, and nibbling? Very nice to watch. And I was right in it, well sort of, mainly crushed under it. But it was still great. That was until I was actually really brought into it. One thing to watch, another to be tickled and nibbled on while being tickled. I couldn't stop laughing long enough to enjoy the closeness of them both. Which I don't think Mishka wants to be close to me anyway. Think that I smell sweet is too much for him. He and I have started little attacks on each other. From pillow fights to peanut flicking. Okay, so I flicked the peanut. Mishka deserved it. Good thing I didn't hit the guy he was with. Which that's his snuggle buddy. Those two are so adorable together. The other guy is Sinjin. Can you imagine the Inn full of beautiful men? Yeah. Well there you go. Though right now I'm angry at him, he put a live mouse down my back. I guess it could of been worse had it been dead. Would of made me rather sad and grossed out at the same time. I owe him. He will get payback.

Joel. My sweet twin brother. We fought this morning. And I don't mean boxing. We really had it out for each other. Got into a screaming match. Which Dean came out and told us to take it to the boxing ring. And we did. I'm a little scared about going to the Inn tonight, if I do. My lip is busted and I have bruises on my face. Don't even want to see what I look like with my shirt off. What were we fighting about? That he won't tell me who he is dating! I'm sick of it. I want to know. It's killing me! After the boxing match we did make up and he told me he loved me and that when the time is right, he will introduce me to his boyfriend. That made me happy. We never stay mad at each other for long. It just doesn't happen. That's my best friend forever.

Rhy and Dean. Baby is here! Oh my gosh! And she is so pretty. So pretty. The most beautiful girl in the whole universe. I was there, they actually let me stay and help. I was so excited about it. Tried to help as much as I could and stay out of the way at the same time. Rhy was so brave. I don't think I could of handled it. I was having a hard time even watching the pain she was in. But Dean did a really good job of helping her through it. I took pictures and even held Rhy's hand a few times. It was the most beautiful experience I was ever allowed to be a part of. I'm an Uncle again! So lucky that Dean and Rhy let me be in there with them. I will never forget it. Ever. So proud of Rhy. Daniel is so happy. Being a big brother. He couldn't stay away from her for long. Kept saying baby, and that he wanted to hold her more and more. It's so cute. What a perfect little family. Dean did mention having another, telling Rhy that right after just going through that?! I smacked him for her.

My life right now is amazing. I can't be any happier. To having so many people I love and love me, to finding a new love and a new life brought into the world. The thoughts of depression and things like that are far back in my head. I refuse to let the old haunts come back. I fight them. I don't want them. I want what is now. And that's my life filled of love and caring people. And I love and cherish every single one of them. I know, the baby thing got me all gushy. Little baby Haley. What a beautiful girl she is.


Cole

The other day and night started as a bummer. I spent most of the day just doing what I always do. Swimming and boxing with my brother. Trying to get juicy details out of Gage, which he is so hard to talk to about stuff like that! He kept playing it coy about Ivy. I kept nudging him and giving him that look. You know, the look of.. 'I know what you did', look. He wouldn't give in! He did however tell me that he is planning to see her again soon, after he has made sure to be more relaxed this time. In meaning, he's going to go eat some more people. Nasty.

I saw Sean with his boyfriend. They were swimming when I was, I didn't stay long, not when they started to make out. Like I said, very hot but I don't need to see him doing that. It would be like watching Joel get it on. No can do. Ollie was about, trying to give everyone brownies and saying they were just regular brownies this time. Yeah right. Ollie making regular brownies? I don't think so. He can't fool me, but I did grab a few, just for kicks. I didn't eat them yet, waiting to see who I can give them to. Maybe Ivy and Gage, now that could be funny. Though I'm not sure they would affect Gage, be interesting to find out.

So, after all that, I went off to the Red Dragon. Azahr wasn't there though, but Crystal was. I felt bad, cause I kept getting snatched by the Nexus till I finally gave up! Oh, and there was this cutie little boy with wings, his name was Rhys. Very cute and his wings were just great! Talked with Crystal about getting a pair. She thinks I would look good in them too, I told her she should as well, to show off for Lyov. She seemed a little interested and then bam.. Nexus got me. Was this before or after Khes was talking to me? I don't remember. I just remember he asked me where I was from and when I told him Greece, he was talking about how he heard that back in the day, men took men as lovers. Called it progressive. I didn't even know what that meant! But I did blush and tell him I am indeed progressive. Which I guess is a technical way of saying into guys? I don't know. Khes is cool though.

Stolen by the Nexus again, I ended up not far from home and decided to go there. Might as well. And guess who was waiting for me. Ivy and Lex. We had a big slumber party, lots of sweets and horror movies. A few pillow fights and tickle fests. Then we dished on boys and all that good stuff. Ivy really has it bad for Gage. She kept checking her phone. And looking out the window to see Gage. Which I told her he would be gone for a few days. The nasty eating people thing. I still don't think she gets fully what he does, but I'm sure he will tell her sometime. The slumber party was fun. Passed out eventually, think the sun was even coming up. Hate to say it but I ended up sleeping all day. Till it was time to head out again.

Where did I go? Well to the Red Dragon, of course. I wanted to see Azahr. Hoping he would be there. And I sent Crystal those flowers. When I got there, Ivy and her came in and she did tell me that she liked the flowers. Made me happy. Ivy was being silly. Very hyper, drinking those energy drinks. Cause you know she needs more energy! Hyper little thing. She even offered me some, no thanks. I would be bouncing all over the place! And Alain, I saw Alain, but he seemed a little sad and I left him alone. Looked like he needed space. Ivy did wink at him or something. I was trying to get her to calm down. But it wasn't working. She's such a little firecracker. Like Tara. Who I still adore, let me add. I need to steal a kiss from that little redhead sometime. Nothing all porno, just a little peck. She's so cute.

What was I saying? Oh! Azahr came in and he brought with him the fondue thing. Which led to a tiny food fight, on his part, and Crystal. They both got me with a piece of cake. I fell off the couch trying to get to Crystal, trying to tickle her. But then I thought about how she is hurt and I didn't want to hurt her further. Ivy left soon after, after gorging herself on the fondue! I think she went in search of Gage. Wonder if she found him. I hope not, he was rather growly last I saw him.

Lyov showed up for Crystal and they were getting all snuggly while Azahr and I were on the couch. I was trying to tickle him, I love his laugh. It's the best laugh. Soon we were cuddled and snuggling too. Enjoying each others' company. Which I just love to sit and hold him and be held. Sometimes we don't even talk. I did mention I want to get him a new bed, the old one is so noisy. He agreed, since I told him he can't fight it anyway. I also want to bring him over to my house and show him a real shower. No bucket! He liked the idea.

I went to his place for the night. More of that fondue and a lot of other fun stuff. I love spending time with him. I hope I make him as happy as he makes me. Like I said before in another entry, my life is amazing with all of these people that I have close to me. I don't know what I would do without them. I love them all so much. I think I rambled on enough for the day. Not sure what the plan is for today. I need a shower though, I'm all sticky. I probably taste like a chocolate covered strawberry, which is what Azahr said earlier. That reminds me that I haven't seen Mishka. Wonder if he is okay. I know those nasty monsters are still out there, bone cats, Pantherghasts I think someone called them. I'm sure he's okay, Mishka seems the type to be able to take care of himself.

I haven't told Azahr about what I am. I wonder if he thinks I'm human. Most people do. I don't usually let it out that I'm not. I don't know, it makes me a little nervous to tell people. Because honestly do I look like this amazing God? No. Mm. I don't know. That just seemed to come out of nowhere, I guess it's been on my mind a bit. Also that sometimes I worry that my 'gifts' are what make people fall in love with me. Hoping that's not the case with Azahr. Which is also why I try my best to not touch strangers, or someone that doesn't know me, I never know how they will react to the gifts I have. I remember one time a guy flipped out and swore up and down that he was meant for me and kept trying to grab me and take off with me. He got really scary and acting wild, even saying that if he couldn't have me, he would make sure nobody else would, till Gage grabbed him and.. well I don't know what ever happened to that guy.

I even remember going out, this was back when I had no control over it at all, was in a club and the whole place seemed affected by me. People started to get all, well naughty. I left quickly. Just never know when the stupid powers, or whatever you want to call them, will go out of whack. I think it's when my own mood is heightened. Just have to be more careful. That's all.

Okay, enough of that. I'm going to relax some more.

Cole

The wedding was so beautiful. Not as beautiful as the bride, however. Jade looked amazing. I was so honored to be a part of it. What a night. So many people were there and it was the best. I was the bride's maid/man.. Not that I minded. And no I didn't have to wear a dress! Daniel the little ring bearer, how cute. Everyone looked great. You could just see the love in Jade and Dakota's eyes when they looked at each other and did their vows. So happy for them.

I probably would of started crying if it wasn't for being a little tipsy. Not that I was drunk, but I did have a few drinks to stop myself from being nervous. I was nervous for them! Still, what a wedding. And how honored I was to be there. They will last, I know they will.

The days have been really good, though there has been some not so good moments too. Azahr and I tend to try and give each other space when we are with friends or family. Usually ends up with us staying away from each other and things not exactly working out as planned. I walked into the Inn and saw Crystal and Azahr on the couch together. I didn't want to stop them from having some time to themselves. I was already a little drunk from partying with Ivy earlier. I can be a loud and wild drunk. I wanted to spare Azahr and Crystal that, which probably would of been a good idea to not go out at all, but I did. Ivy followed not soon after. I dropped my keys and she was sweet enough to chase me down and give them back.

We danced a little together. I had my headphones with me, so I even did a little dance for her. She thought it was funny. Even danced with me a little bit. I kept glancing over at Azahr but he wasn't looking at me. I sort of took that as a keep clear sign. And I did, though Ivy tried to pull me over there. When I finally did go over, Crystal said that Azahr needed me. That he was very cold. But Azahr said it was fine. Another way of saying he didn't want me near? That's how I took it. Pretty sure I huffed my way back to the bar and drank some more. He got up and went off to the restroom. I instead went outside. Needed fresh air. But what I really wanted to do was leave. I couldn't. Not at first. I felt bad about leaving a drunk Ivy on the floor and Crystal. I hope neither of them think I am mean. I shouldn't of walked out. I was just upset. Didn't want the girls to see me like that, but I think they caught on.

After feeling more than embarrassed, I started to walk off. Azahr came out, he caught up to me and asked me if I was okay. I looked at him like he was crazy. Didn't he realize what just happened? Guess not. He asked for me to go home with him, and we did. When we got to his place, we talked more. I am notorious for misunderstandings. And this was another one. I told him what I had thought. And he felt horrible, telling me that he just didn't want to take me away from Ivy. And I told him the same, I didn't want to take him from Crystal. We both try so hard to not do that. To not upset each other and the ones we care about. I should of made a better effort to include Crystal and Ivy into everything. But stupid me, I was too tipsy to figure that out.

We spent the night together. Making up, though really there wasn't anything to make up for. But it was nice. Nice to be in his arms and know that he does in fact still want me. Sometimes I get a little insecure. He's beautiful. I mean so beautiful. And he loves me. Me. The pouty and bratty Cole. I am hardly a catch. I'm overly sensitive, I pout all the time. How can someone that beautiful inside and out, love me? It's like Lex and Lyssa. Ivy too, all my friends and family. All these amazing people that love me. I can't figure out why. At times I have put them all through some sort of grief. I take things too seriously when it comes to the matter of the heart. I hope they all know how much I love them. I really do. Never want to be apart from any of them.

Did I mention that Mishka got Ivy back for calling him a feather? He licked my back! Even gave a few bites, though he of course never broke skin. Wouldn't know what my blood would do to him anyway. I know that it drives Lex crazy when he has some. So, he got her back, using my body. Because honestly to me and him, it was nothing but that. Nothing beyond a payback. I kept looking over at Ivy and Azahr. Poor Ivy, she was beside herself and obviously needing Gage. Her date with him was great, by the way. She told me all about it. Just didn't end with any, you know. She is dying for him. Where was I? Oh, so Azahr didn't even seem to mind that Mishka was doing that to me. I sort of hoped he would mind. Maybe even tell Mishka enough was enough, but nothing. Ivy was the one to get upset. I don't think she was mad, really. Frustrated, yeah. That's what I think it was.

Today? I am much better. No throwing up! That's a plus. I don't have hangovers really. Just a little wobbly when I walk around. Think the alcohol is still in my system pretty good. I drank way too much. Not sure what I am going to do today. Oh my gosh! I almost forgot that I saw a dude on a broom. A dude on a broom! He swooped right into the Inn on it, but then left just as quick. At first I thought I was way too drunk and seeing things. Maybe I was? I don't know. If I see him again, I might have to ask if he is real or not. Okay, that sounded stupid.

Things I hope for and need to do:
No more misunderstandings with Azahr. I hate to see him hurting and I hate hurting too.

Try to get Ivy to dish more on the date with Gage, I want even more details. Gage just smiles and walks away.

Apologize to Crystal for my behavior. I don't want her to ever think it was her fault that I was upset.

Stay away from the snowmen. I saw one with a nudie magazine. I don't know if I should be more scared of it or laugh.

Find out where the snowman got the nudie magazine. Think it was Ollie. But I won't point fingers before I know for sure.

Smack Joel around a little bit in the ring. And avoid his hair pulling. Why does he yank it so hard!

Go tickle the crud out of Lexie. I love his laugh. Then he gets all growling and says he wasn't laughing. Adorable.

Send Jade and Dakota a card. Thank you card for letting me be at their wedding. Sweet couple.

Spend some quality time with the munchkins. Daniel and Haley. I love those little munchkins so much. And I bought Daniel a little firetruck. Haley I got a few bibs. Cause she likes to puke on me. Yuck.

Thinking about a tattoo. Not sure what yet. Maybe talk to a few people and ask them what they think. But with me and my thing for needles, I might pass out. I don't know. We will see.

Avoid Sean and his boyfriend making out. Which when is that not happening?! They are so cute together, but you can't sit in the room with them without it turning all naughty. Watching one of my brothers get it on? Nope.

Go give Lyssa a big hug and kiss and some candies. I know how much she loves candy.

Work on my sensitivity. That's a big one.

Show everyone that I love, that I do love them. And that they mean the world to me.



Cole

Everything has been going great. There has been a little mishap, but otherwise everything is great.

I'll start off with that night that I almost hurt Azahr. I never really talk about that side of me, that side that sometimes takes control. The side that likes to hurt people. Even people that are very important to me. I joked with Azahr about it. How I have a dark side to me. When really, it isn't a laughing matter. It's pretty serious now. I know that most people wouldn't think I could hurt anybody. That I'm all smiles and laughing, having a good time, or pouting and throwing temper tantrums. They have no idea that there have been a few times that I did things I would rather not even say. Attacking Azahr like I did, well, that is one of them. I made him promise to not tell anyone it happened. I wouldn't want anyone to worry too much. Not really even sure how it came about, or what made it come out. I think it's blood. I'm not a vampire, don't get me wrong. But there is something about blood that causes that side of me to come out and try to, I guess, eat people? Yeah. Azahr looked terrified after I 'woke up', that's the only way I can put it. That him calling my name woke me back up and I realized I was trying to bite into his arm. Pretty scary for even me. I wouldn't ever want to hurt him or any of the other important people to me.

Okay, I want to move on.
With Azahr moved in, it's been fun. I like to show him all the different things in the house. Appliances and things he couldn't even of imagined were real. He makes funny faces when I show him new things. Like a kid waking up and seeing all the presents under the Christmas tree. It's rather adorable.

I have also told him some things of my past. Didn't know how he would take some of it. It was nice to know that he understood and is here for me. He looked more angry about what happened. I'm still sometimes angry about it too. Those men, I don't know what Gage did with them, but I hope it wasn't too harsh. I think that everyone has moments in their lives that they get confused and do things they don't mean. Maybe those men really didn't mean to do what they did to me. I don't know. Gage won't talk about it. He refuses to tell me what happened. I guess sometimes it's better to not know. Gage can get be really mean when he wants to be. Wonder how mean he was to them. Everyone always told me that they deserved the worst. I don't tell my friends and family that I forgave them long ago. Because I don't want to live my life with hatred or anger. I would be upset all the time and I don't want to be. It's better for me to forgive and move on. Keep on believing that everyone is good, even the ones that hide it. I do really believe that.

On to Lexi. We went out the other day. I took him to a water park. He wasn't wanting to go at first. I told him that it wouldn't be during the day and that they would switch on the lights for us and we would have the whole place to ourselves. When we got there, he finally did look surprised and happy. We had a great time. Though, I do tend to push all of Lex's buttons just to see him freak out. As usual, that night was the same. He's so cute and funny when he gets all frustrated and antsy. I think we went down the slide so many times, and he screamed like a girl almost every time. Those tubes were fun to float around in too. We didn't get a chance to ride in the Go Carts. But we will next time. They even had an open buffet. The best pineapple ice-cream I have ever had! So, that's what I did with Lexi. It was a fun night. I never get tired of hanging out with him. We always have so much fun together. That's my buttercup.

Let's see.. Oh!
Geoff! Geoff came out to the Inn a couple of days ago. I know, I'm going backwards in time here. Anyway, Geoff thought he would sneak in and that I wouldn't see him. Wrong! Azahr was with me too. We were snuggling in a chair together. It had just been me and him when Geoff came in. Like we ran the whole Inn out. It was strange and quiet, but nice. Gave us time to snuggle all quiet. Until Geoff put ice on my head. Yeah, I knew it was him, even though I did pretend to not know where it came from. There was a girl there, one of Tristan's sisters, Geoff was showing off for her. She was pretty. And a pillow! A pillow actually squeaked and growled at me. Geoff played the hero and attacked it with a fire poker, which they took away from me. Guess I'm still not allowed sharp objects. Soon, the pretty girl headed off. And guess who walks in? Tara. She's so cute! She was being her usual pretty and cute self. Waving at Geoff, whom I soon pushed to go meet her. I think they hit if off rather well. Geoff even had his hand in her lap! I haven't gotten that close to Tara before. I really would love to just smack a smooch on those pretty lips.

Oh wait, I think this was after Geoff was bribing me to tell him where the girl lived. Since that was Tristan's sister, I do know where she lives, though she and I never really, really, met. Geoff and I shook on it and he spit in his hand too, nasty. But I got the Superman PJs, it even has a cape! Azahr doesn't get that I'm planning on making him wear it. Cute. Imagine a hot, hot, hot, elf in that! I would probably laugh my tush off, but also think it was pretty hot in a funny way?

Geoff is a ladies man. Not that he goes off and does that sort of thing. But I think because he is so nice and cute, girls migrate to him. It's fun to watch. Sometimes makes me wish I was taller and more gruff looking. More manly? Sucks a little bit that I will always look like a teenage boy. But, you do what you do with what you got. I'm still happy to sit and watch. Besides, I'm pretty happy with the people I have in my life as it is. And I think they are happy around me too. I do try to make it a priority to make others happy.

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting to write something. That something happened and I need to write it and I can't remember! I don't like that.

Did I write that Gage and Ivy did it?! Yes, they did! I couldn't believe it, I mean I could but I didn't think they would so soon. Not that it is soon, come to think of it, I slept with Azahr after knowing him for a pretty short time. Anyway! Gage and Ivy seem to be a real couple. She isn't sure about it. I keep trying to tell her to calm down and not worry, Gage isn't a bad guy anymore. At least not when it comes to relationships. Besides, I will kick his teeth in if he hurts Ivy. Or I will at least try to. He laughed last time I told him that. Kept calling me a shorty, which I didn't think was funny. So, I called him a mammoth. I don't even know what a mammoth is. Sounded right to say? So, I said it. He laughed more. I think Ivy is falling in love with Gage, or probably already is. She has that look about her. I don't bring it up though, wouldn't want to get tickled or smacked. She will tell me sometime, when she is ready. She does usually dish to me anyway. And I tell her all I know about Gage. She really likes that.

Dion is doing good. Still going out and having fun. He sometimes will be swimming and I will join him. Talk about boys and stuff. He really is enjoying himself here, not sure he wants to go back to Greece any time soon. I don't mind, I love having my best buddy here with me.

Sean and his boyfriend are still doing good too. I saw them down in the boxing ring the other day. They were play fighting. It's fun to watch them. Until, yeah, the making out starts. That's when I gag and run out. Because like I have said so many times? I don't want to watch my brother get it on with someone. No thanks. I love Sean to death, but he is like a real brother to me and I don't want to see him all up on his boyfriend. Just like Gage. I think I would freak out if I had to sit and watch him and Ivy start making out. As much as I love them both, no thank you. Cuddling is okay, I would think that is cute. The rest? No. Nope. That would be my cue to go. And with Sean? It was my cue to exit stage left.

Still like I'm forgetting something. Oh well, if I remember I will write again. Not that big of a deal. I want to go watch a movie now anyway, or go out. I haven't figured out what I'm doing tonight.




Cole

Been a long long time since I wrote in this thing. I guess when there really is no drama, not much to write about? Which I have to say I think is a very good thing. I'm all about things calming down and being happy. And that's how I have been, happy. Can you believe it? Just happy. No screaming or yelling, no fights or bad things happening. Meeting Azahr has done a lot of things to me, calmed me down some too. He helps to keep me calm and very happy.

Most of the time we stay locked in the house. The two of us. I don't go out as much as I use to. Not that it is a bad thing. I sort of like to be in the house with him and playing around. He isn't as sweet and innocent as everyone might think. I can tell you that much. But I promised to keep the naughty bits to myself, or at least just to Ivy. Cause you know, she's my best friend and I tell her everything. Reminds me that I need to give her a call and see how she is doing. Been missing her. I haven't seen Gage around much either, he usually is out doing other things. Makes me think that maybe the two are taking a break. I'm going to have to corner him and ask him what is going on with them. Not that he would tell me, but it doesn't hurt to try. Who knows, maybe he will be in a talkative mood for once.

Jaden is busy as usual. I see him with Eddie sometimes. Still the cutest couple ever. Wonder when they set a date, if they are not married already and snuck out to do it. Be funny if they did, though I would be a little bummed if I couldn't of been there. I'm sure a lot of the brothers would like to go to that wedding. He was chasing down Oliver the other day, Oliver decided to turn the pool purple. Why? Is there ever a reason why Oliver does what he does? Everyone wants to know how he dyed the pool purple. So, there was Jaden chasing after him, was pretty funny to watch. Oliver of course tripped and was caught, turned into a wrestling match, who would of thought that super skinny Jaden could take someone down! They were fighting, goofing off. Oliver still refused to say how he did it, but agreed to get it cleaned. I hope soon, I love to go swimming. And I'm still trying to get Azahr to go skinny dipping with me. I know he wouldn't if the water was purple!

Sean is good too. See him with his boyfriend all the time. They look to be getting pretty serious. I even heard that he wants to take him to meet the parents. That's so great. Everyone is happy for them. I did try to box with Sean, but it turns out he hits harder than Gage! Maybe Gage had been going easy on me. Sean did anything but. He really got me good a few times until I cried mercy, he said he was sorry, thought I was tougher. Brat. We did go and get a smoothie after and he said he was sorry for hitting me too hard. I need more practice, get him back for that.

And I finally I got the call that Joel would like me to meet Regan. That is his boyfriend. So he tells me the name and I get to meet him. How great is that? Can't wait. Told him that any time was good. That there was no rush of course. Though how long have they been together and he still hasn't let me meet him! Even Ashtyn would let me meet any of his boyfriends. My brothers are picky about guys. Like to make sure there is something really good there. I have met a few of Dylan's girlfriends though, but they never actually panned out. Poor guy. Maybe that's another thing I need to do, help Dylan find a girlfriend. He has been single for too long. Yeah.

Saved something for last. I met someone. I went over to Luc's apartment, to take him some food. He doesn't like to have people do things for him but sometimes we take him some food and money. He can't shop worth anything, so I went for Jaden and took him the food. In the process I met a guy named Deck. That's Luc's roommate and more, not sure if it is hush hush or not, so I only told Azahr. Anyway, I met Deck. He's tattooed and just hot. We watched movies and ate sweets. So fun to hang out with. I think he is quickly becoming a best friend. I go over there all the time to hang out with him. We play around and just have the greatest time.

Azahr wants to meet him too. Wish they would move over here and then me and Deck could hang out all the time. Luc works a lot at night and sleeps majority of the day. Azahr studies a lot too, so when the guys are busy, I can hang out with Deck and have some fun. Azahr likes it that I have more friends too. And Luc is happy that Deck is hanging out with me. We have so much in common. I am even thinking of getting a tattoo now, as long as I have Deck, Luc, and Azahr there holding my hands and telling me it's going to be okay. Need to sit and think about what kind of tattoo I would want and where. I don't want anything that is going to be spur of the moment. Something meaningful or at least cool looking. Meaningful and cool looking would be perfect. I will think more about it. I'm sure Azahr could help me about it.

So, yeah, things are great. I am very happy, if you can't tell by now. Everyone is doing good too. Any more news and I will be back to write about it. So far things are pretty quiet. Like that's so horrible.

Should also say, looking back at my older entry, that whomever broke in, that I still haven't had any problems since then. But I'm still being very careful and everyone knows about it so extra security has been set in place. A precaution is what Jaden and Gage said. At least I know that my brothers are always looking out for us. They wouldn't want anything to happen to any of us. I'm still keeping a close eye around. Nobody will hurt Azahr, not when I'm around. That's my baby and I will take care of him until my last breath.


Cole