Last night was crazy. I almost went home because Dirk was being so mean. He said I didn't love him! That if I did I would tell Joel about him and Gage.
I'm not ashamed that I love him and Gage, why would I be. Does love have to be a certain gender for it to be okay? I'm scared of telling Joel because I know he will be upset I didn't tell him right away that I was with someone, we always tell each other everything.
I'm not ashamed, I want everyone to know how I feel, but it seems Gage and Dirk want to keep it quiet.

Anyway enough of that.
I picked up a rock today on the beach and it turned out to be a crab! Scared the bajeebies out of me. And Dirk laughed at me so I had to chase him down and tickle him, though he is so fast I hardly caught him.

And the cook made me waffles today, and even pancakes! Strawberry..
How I love strawberries, yum. Which makes me miss Cookies! I can't wait to go home and see him.

Well Frankie I'll see you later, I have to go pounce on Gage and Dirk. I love jumping on the bed and waking them up in the morning.


Lata

He had found the little olive colored journal and being the nosey butt that he is, he settles in for a good read. Cole's hand was smooth and steady and easy enough to decipher. The words had him smiling. Carrying the journal to the dining room table, he puts pen to paper and begins to write a note in the little olive journal.

Hey Frankie,

This is Dirk, Cole's friend. I just thought I'd write in here how special my little Monkey Man is to me. Yea, I call him Monkey Man. He doesn't seem to mind it much. Don't really have much more to say than that.

One thing I know. Cole is the kind of person that just makes the world a better place. Regardless of how down I am all he has to do is smile and everything seems to be alright again. Sounds funny, coming from a guy, I know. Ah well.

Monkey Man, if you read this, I love you. Stay just the way you are.

Dirk."

He looks at what he wrote and chuckles. "I'm such a girl."

He settles down with the little olive journal and pen, writing a less smooth from before, even a tad choppy.

I did something so stupid a few days ago. Why I did it was even more stupid. I really don't want to talk about it here, it hurts enough to even think about it. But I'm still here, and now we are all back together again. Me, Gage and Dirk. Dirk says he has changed and to give him once more shot.
And I am.

Other stuff.
I had a pet named Snookers, he was so cool. Not sure what he was but he sure was a cute little guy. Gage says he got loose and ran back home to his family. Hope he is happy at home now.
I miss him, even though we only got to hang out for a few hours I think he liked me a lot and I know I liked him.
Dirk hated him since he puked in his truck, but Snookers couldn't help it.

And I met some new brothers. Ben and Jess they are both really nice.
Jess is sort of shy though, so you have to get him to talk.
Ben talks about anything and everything, that is cool. And he acts a lot like Dirk use to, they are funny when they hang out.

Jay is hardly moving around the house anymore, he is always busy in his office. I think he is sneaking girls in there, yup, and saying he is busy. I'm on to ya Jay.

Oh and I'm hanging out with Chris tonight, there is a kick ass horror movie coming out, Revenge of the Zombie Bride from Hell, should be horribly bad.


Well Frankie I better go, I will write more in you I promise. Sorry I haven't been.


Lata

Sitting in the small room, only a bed and desk. No sheets on the bed, a few books on the desk. Nurse standing by the door watching as he takes the olive green crayon and begins to write.
Thoughts, words, jumbles and jump from subject to subject.




Day 4, Hospital


Been here now for four days. I don't really remember being dropped off or what happened, just yesterday I felt like I actually woke up.
I have someone staying by me at all times and even as I'm writing this.
They say they have to watch me to make sure I won't try to hurt myself anymore. I did this to myself, I know.
I'm not allowed to call home, or see anyone. Not for another few days they say.
I'm not even allowed to go outside yet but maybe tomorrow. I hope so, be nice to hear the birds and feel the coolness of the wind.

This place is nice I guess, the people are really nice. They look at me and talk with caring eyes and words.

I know my powers are gone, my brother had to of done something.
It's lonely though, without all of my brothers and friends, family.
Met some nice guys here, they all have the same problem I do, and then some of them are really sick.

It hurts me that they didn't tell me this is where they were bringing me.
How could they just leave me here alone.

I'm not thinking very clearly, the needles they stick me with make my mind feel fuzzy.

They tell me it is time to go. The doctor wants to see me. Maybe if I'm good they will let me see Dirk and Gage.


Bye Frankie

Day 5, Hospital


I hold the petals. Only two things that let me know that last night wasn't a dream. That Dirk was really here. He didn't stay long, I don't think.. I can't remember everything that he said but I know he told me to do what the doctors and nurses say. I try.

I went out today. A short walk around the grounds, it was nice. Only fifteen minutes but it was a great fifteen minutes.

Arts and crafts was fun too. Made little animals out of clay. Course a few of the guys threw it all over the place, a clay fight. That was funny.

The people are nice, but I don't want to stay anymore. I hate being alone. What are they doing back at home without me?

I don't want to do this anymore. I want out.
Out
Out
Out

Home..
Gage and Dirk brought me home. So happy to be back. Though most of the same rules apply here too. I'm also not to be without someone watching me at all times which can be annoying but, it's not so bad. At least Dirk stays with me a lot. I like that.

I sneak out though here and there.

Write later.. pills make me sleepies.


Later Frankie

I look back at all these things I have written, the hospital, the days after. I don't really remember any of them that well. My brother healed me, that I do know. He said a part of my brain was sick and he healed it for me.
I still read back and can't believe I wrote those things. That wasn't even me back then, funny how something in your brain and change who you are. I hope I never get sick like that again.

Gage and Dirk have broken up. Seems like they do this every other week. But Gage has been gone for while now, says he is sticking to his decision. Dirk is more then upset. But I'm there for him. And I hope he knows that I will always be there too.

And Gage got me a present for Valentines day, an early present. A little white kitten, I named her Ziggy Stardust. She is so sweet, attacks Dirk's feet when he is sleeping, I think it is really funny to hear him yelling out of nowhere when Ziggy claws his foot. Though she is just playing. I love her to death already. She even has a little collar with her name on it, the other brothers laugh when she runs through the house, she is very playful.

Hmm, anything else?
Oh I looked at the stars with Jess the other morning. It was so neat, he even told me what some of the constellations were. I liked that. I have to ask him if he wants to go to the movies with us tomorrow night, he missed out last time.
And we are getting ready for another party, might even have some new brothers soon too. I hope they are all as nice as Ian, Ben and Jess.



Later Frankie

Well we went fishing, and I did not want to touch anything that had to do with dead whatever, I mean what is chum? Gag...
Every time I caught a fish I put it back in, I like catching them but I don't want to kill them. Or even hurt them, though they kept telling me it doesn't hurt them, they are living so it has to right? Whatever, I'm not killing a fish. And after fishing we made huge snowmen that was really fun. Wes's looked funny, had a lopsided head, then he tackled it and the snow went everywhere. That was great. Got Kay really good, she laughed though.

I think Kay has major hots for Wes, but she just broke up with her boyfriend so she should probably take a little while before she tries anything with anyone.
And Wes, he is out of a relationship too, his girlfriend dumped him. He said that she started dating another guy within hours of it too. What a ...

But as for being here at the cabin we are having a really great time, the hot tub is awesome, they stocked it up with food so we don't have to go anywhere. I love it, going to have to come back with Dirk and Gage sometime. I bet they would love it too.

Oh and I got news that Xander and Chloe are Dirk's brother and sister. How crazy is that! And how he hates Xander, well he better start loving him now, that is his real brother. Xander is a nice guy or at least I think so, and Chloe... she is hot. Dirk is so funny, he complained for hours after finding out.

Well it is movie time! Nothing like a bad horror movie when you are out in the middle of the woods, in a dark cabin. Fun!


Later

Slowly I'm getting over what Dirk has done. I mean, I can't stay mad about it forever, no matter how mad I really am. I have a lot to be thankful for. If Dirk hadn't left me, well I wouldn't be with Jessica right now. She is sticking by me through it all too.

She doesn't question my feelings, or get angry with me when I talk about Dirk. She sits and listens and holds my hand. She really is a great girl, and I'm crazy about her. I think we both are taking things day by day.

We moved in together just a couple of days ago. I had to get out of the frat house and out on my own. Besides, if Dirk comes back, I don't want to be there.

Which leads to what happened today, I got a phone call. I had even been talking about Dirk when he called. He left Noelle, I couldn't believe it. He left my sister for Gage and then didn't even go to Gage. He was very upset, I could hear him crying most of the time. He thinks we would all better without him. I hope he takes my advice and goes back to Noelle.

I guess I can't really be too angry at him about us anymore, now I just hope he goes back to her and they work things out. Crazy how things can change in a matter of days or even hours. Could of had that call a few days ago and I would of hung up on him and told Noelle she really is better off. But I don't really believe that now. I know how much she loves him and I don't want to see her upset or even Dirk. I hope they work through this, at least for the twins sake's.

As for me and Jessica, we are in no rush to start the kids and marriage stuff. Take it nice and slow. Though moving in together isn't exactly taking it slow, but, I don't care. She loves me and I love her.

This might just all work out.




Laters,

Cole

Sometimes you can sit in a room and be surrounded by people and feel nothing but alone. I know I can't be the only one that has felt like that, in fact I know that I can't be. I don't understand some of the feelings I have at certain times. It's true that I am very happy but other times I can feel that old nagging feeling in the back of my head telling me it can only last for so long.

Maybe I'm just being silly. What else could I want right now really. I have someone that loves me for who and how I am, doesn't question me or try to change me. Isn't that true love? When the person you love loves you for who you are and doesn't try to change a single thing about you? It has to be.

I can sit at the window, look out and see the moonlight cast its glow on the grass, houses, and the water not far from our small house and I can't believe I am here. Life can have so many twists and turns that you never truly know where you will end up. Funny things is, is that this is just the beginning, I have so many more years ahead of me that I can't help but wonder where I will be in ten years, twenty years. Will I be as happy as I am at this moment.. I can only hope so.

I look back at all that I write and I can see that I am maturing, growing up, but I will always have this boyish side to myself. I know that is one thing that will never go away. No matter what happens to me, I hold dear to my ideas that one person can change the world and that if we all tried to be good people it would make things so much easier, not just for one person but for the whole.

I sound like an optimistic, I know.. But that is me.

Love can change anything and help you get through this life. I feel it now. When I thought I would never make it, I found love and now I am finally...

Alive.




Cole H.

How the heck do you all know about her leaving me! And it's already around the frat, you guys suck...

Yeah, okay, so Jessica left me. Big deal, I'll get over it. Really I don't want to talk about it and if I do, Joel and all of them will be the first, I promise Joel.

And big news that Dylan is back! I can't believe my brother is here, it's so great to hang out with him again. Just the other night me, him and Jessie went out to a movie. That was great! I can't wait to do it again. Nothing like hanging out with your older brother. Joel is happy Dylan is back too. I'm going to ask all the details about what it was like in Hawaii.

Dylan even said that maybe sometime we would all go there, the whole frat since he knows the a hotel owner he can let us stay there for free. How cool would that be. I can just see all of the guys down on the beach having a great time, that would be so much fun.

I don't have time to write a whole lot, I promised Jessie that I would meet him down at the pool.


Lata,
Cole

I'm writing this out rather then.. doing something harsh. I came back from my walk, even saw a few deers.

Anyway, I come back in and Dirk tells me that he and Mike were talking. That Mike just might have some feelings for Dirk. Feelings for my boyfriend!
You want to say we are friends and then behind my back, try to take my boyfriend?
Want to come back to the frat after your wife, girlfriend, whatever cheats on you and then try to get my boyfriend to cheat on me with you!

I hardly heard a word after that, that Dirk said. I know he kept saying something about not to worry that he is only with me, loves me, only me.

But it hurts to know when you think someone is your friend, and they do that?
My first instinct was to go find him and hurt him, but what good would that do. Whatever, I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him and I told Dirk to please stay away.

Will people ever stop trying to take him from me?

I'm so mad I can't even write anymore. It hurts so much that this happened, I'm sad.. and angry, and hurting.



Cole

Where should I start?

I called Jessie out of the blue to see how he was. I know that me and Dirk getting back together had let him down. He didn't want me to be with him. I mean, Jessie and I had something special, it really could of been great but my heart always went right back to Dirk. Always to Dirk. So Jessie left the house again and went back to his own house on Earth.

That's where I called him, see how he is. Turns out he lied to me, told me he wouldn't go back to selling himself and he did. I stormed out of the house and went down there myself to see it. We had a few words to say to each other. He saw my mouth and neck, how I got a little rough in the bedroom with Dirk, Jess thought he had hit me. But that's not the point. He lied to me and it turns out he was selling himself again. I kissed him goodbye, told him I'd never see him again and that this was it. Dirk let me kiss Jessie one last time, I'm grateful for that.

But then I get this letter and I'm just, happy for him. I mean if he found love I should be. And I am. I hope this guy takes really good care of him. I want to go see Jessie and meet this guy but to get away from Dirk that long and not have Dirk wonder why I'm going might be difficult.

Not too mention I hate being away from Dirk anyway. Maybe if I say I'm going to go visit my Mom for a few hours he won't care. Yeah, maybe that's what I'll do. I can't wait to get more letters from Jess, which reminds me I need to write him back.


I'm going to go do that.

Cole

I thought when I wrote in here again things would be a little better, but things got worse. Since the hospital I haven't been able to talk. Not a word, not even a whisper. Dirk has been great, everyone's been great.

I hate to take away attention from Dean and how he needs to be cared for but luckily they are still mainly taking care of him and Dirk stays with me. I'm going to go see him in a little while and check on him too. Though everyone knows what happened that night at the club and what's wrong with me now.

Hopefully this isn't forever, I don't know how much longer I can go without even being able to tell Dirk that I love him or Hi to all my brothers. I hate it. But Dirk bought me pens and paper and I'm going to write to them all and that's kind of fun. I like all the colors. And he bought me a little family of stuffed pink bunnies, they are so cute. I made them a little nest under my pillow.

Things could be worse and I still have Dirk and everyone here at the house. I love them all.



Cole

I'm finally out of that awful place, even a couple of days was too much. But Dirk visited and we used that as a way for me to escape. We haven't looked back since. And Gage helped us out with money.

I haven't talked to anybody, my family, any of my brothers, sister, nobody. If I tell them where we are, the bad people might find us. And I don't want anyone I care about to be brought into this. I hope they understand.

As for Dirk, he's staying by my side and hardly ever lets me out of his sight. I know he's scared he will lose me again if he doesn't watch me carefully and I don't mind at all, it makes me feel safe. I'm not even sure how long we are going to have to stay away from everyone. But I have Dirk and right now he is all I want and need.

I better go, Dirk wants to go get breakfast and we need to start heading out of here, at least we are getting to see new places everyday.


Cole

Back home now..

So I we have been home now for a few hours. I'm playing that I'm so upset about the breakup and staying mostly in my room. Everyone keeps coming in to see if I'm okay, I wish I could tell them the truth but I can't. Have to keep it like this until my parents drop the charges.

I called my Mom and she is more then happy I am back in Rhydin and not with Dirk. I told her no matter what he will be my friend and I still care about him. She didn't like that one bit but she agreed that being friends is fine, as long as it doesn't go past that. Now we have to wait and see I guess.

It's so lonely up in my room alone, it really does feel like we broke up. Reminds me of those times before. I have to keep reminding myself that this is all pretend. That when I go down for my walk tonight, he will be in th guest house waiting for me and that we are still together. Happy and together. I can't wait to see him. I haven't seen him since we got back. I hope he is okay.

Maybe he went to see the twins or something. I know he missed them so much and I bet they missed him too. I'm going to go see them tomorrow, Noelle is going to let me take them for a picnic and to the little park that JayJay had built near the greenhouse. Going to see if Jake and George want to come too, maybe even JayJay, Dean, Daniel, heck might even make it a big picnic with everyone.

Have to go see Dean in a few, I hear he's doing better. Can't wait to see my little nephew too. I love how the house is full of kids. Makes me want to have my own, though I don't know if Dirk does want more. I should talk to him about that. Maybe in a few years. And that makes me think of Dirk a lot. I'm missing him so much.

How are we going to do this? I'm having problems now and it has only been a few hours. I'm already freaking out about it. Oh well, I have to remember that this is for Dirk and that once those stupid charges are gone we will get married, move back to that nice house and be happy.

Maybe if I send him a note. Have it sent with one of those little messengers. I think I might do that.




Cole.

I wasn't sure what I was going to write in here. I went home with Jessie, but I think first thing first right?

Jessie and I are still very close friends, or so I hope. I mean before we went to my house he acted so, different. Cold and mean, not anything like how he use to be. I know he's probably still upset that right when we started to see each other again I broke it off to be with Dirk. It wasn't a good thing I did and I do still feel bad about it. But I thought we both knew it was for the best. And now he's with someone and I'm with Dirk, and we are both happy.

Funny thing is once we were at my house it was the old Jessie again. We joked around, watched movies and talked just like we use to. It was so much fun and I hope it stays that way now too. I haven't seen him in a couple of days, I have sort of locked myself up in the guest house with Dirk. I don't really want to see anyone right now anyway. But I do hope that when I see Jess again, we are still like at the house, before that man showed up.

I guess I will say a little bit of what happened, I don't really want to go into too much detail, better to move on. I do remember two things he said, one that if my friends thought it was funny for him to bury his brother then it would be really funny once they bury me. That scared me pretty bad. After he punched Jess and Jess passed out it was just me and this man, I thought he could do anything to me.

Then the second thing he said was that he now knew why his brother did what he did to me, that I'm feisty and that he wants some of it too. I couldn't believe it, one minute he wants to kill me the next he wants to, well I can't even write that down, it makes me sick.

I really thought he was going to kill us both, that Jessie and I would be dead. I kept thinking that maybe if he just kills me or does whatever to me he will let Jessie go. But then Dirk shows up and beats the guy to the point where I thought the guy was dead. I took care of Jessie and made sure he was not hurt, then Dirk left and took the guy with him.

Nightmares, I have had them almost every night since then. I wasn't safe in my parent's house. It's scary. I know I'm safe here at the guest house, Dirk is with me, Matt and Nate at the guard station. I just don't want to go anywhere for a while, not until I feel better.

And as I sit in the house with Dirk, we are starting to plan our wedding. After my parents saw that he saved me from that horrible man, they dropped the stupid charges and now everything is going to be okay. Maybe now bad things will stop happening.

I hope so.


Cole

A couple of things have happened in the past couple of days. I think I'll start with the bad before the good. That way it gets better.

I went out a few days ago to take a walk and there was Jessie. I walked over and we played a game of guess who as I put my hands over his eyes. After we sat down and had a talk. I told him I was sorry for kissing Dirk when we were still together. That it was wrong and that I was also sorry for breaking up with him the way I did. I mean I really do still feel bad about it. Jessie didn't deserve all that.

But this is all said and done stuff. I mean I was hoping that after all that stuff with that crazy guy back at my parents house and coming home again, I guess I thought we were still good friends. But it seems that wasn't the case at all. Jessie asked me why Dirk. And that if Dirk ever hurt me again, he would be waiting. I love Jessie a lot but, I don't think it could of ever really worked between us though. We are just so, different. At one time I thought it could but not now. Not after everything.

The worst part of it all is, he doesn't want to see me anymore. We're not friends anymore. He wants me to stay away from him so that way he doesn't have to hurt. He said that seeing me and Dirk hurts him, so, I told him I would do what he wishes and I'm going to leave him alone. I won't talk to him, visit him, or any of it. I never lost a friend before. I never thought I would have someone not want to see me or talk to me. It hurts a lot. I really am sorry for what I did to him. I lost a very good friend that I love so much.

Though, when one door closes, more will open. So I was bummed, went to the house and finally met Dien. I've seen him around plenty but I haven't ever really talked to him or got too close. He's really cute too, I can say I've had a crush on him but he didn't even know I existed. We talked and went swimming. He's so much fun, he's just like me and loves the things I love and all kinds of stuff! And we spent days together, it was so fun watching movies and hanging out with him.

Then I met Dru, I mean wow. He's so hot. And I could tell right off that him and Dirk liked each other. So a while later we all sit and watch a movie. Dirk started to touch Dien on his butt and Dien would laugh. So I tackled Dien and started to tickle him, but that soon turned into kissing and when I turned around, Dru and Dirk were kissing! It was so amazing..

Anyway, I don't want to get into too much detail. But that was so amazing. We are moving Dru and Dien into the guest house with us and it's so much fun! Even last night me and Dien spent the night in a toy store, he loved it. We slept in one of those tents and played games, even had pizza from the snack food station. I think Dirk had it all set up for us cause they even had strawberry smoothies in the fridge. I love him so much.

I'm so happy, I have three guys that I love so much and can't get enough of. I don't think life can get much better. I want to move to the house that Gage bought us with Dien and Dru, maybe Dirk will like that idea. I'll talk to him about it. But right now I have to go snuggle in the bed with all of them. We are watching a movie again. Hope it turns out like the last time we watched a movie.


Cole


P.S.. How can I forget! While Dien and I were in the car having a little fun Dru and Dirk were out grocery shopping. But, when I called them they were you know, oh wow and on the phone with Dien and me while we were doing some stuff too, it was so great.. I mean wow.

Been so great here in Naia. The people are so nice and everyone makes sure everyone else is happy at all times. It's like to every single person you are family. And even though I don't know any of them, they treat me like that, and now I do with them too. It's been so nice. I hope we stay for a while longer.

As for the other guys. They've been great too. Dien is so happy and playing around. The other day we were playing out in the courtyard and the fountain, of the hotel. It was so much fun, we played tag and other games until finally we ended up swimming in the fountain. And nobody cared! Some of the staff even joined in! It was so great.

Today we are suppose to go see the house that the family bought us. So now we can always come back and have a place to live too if we want to stay longer then a visit. I can't wait, I think Dien is very excited about it just like I am.

Dirk and I are doing great. I didn't know if he and I could handle being with two other people but with Dien and Dru it feels so natural. There isn't an ounce of jealousy in any of us and it's been so amazing. I can't believe I have three husbands! Crazy when everyone hears back home. My Mom is going to have a cow! Maybe even a herd. Oh well, she should just know I'm happy and hopefully that's enough for her.

Well I don't want to make this too long cause I have to go eat breakfast and open more presents with Dien before we go see the house. And of course snuggle time with Dirk and Dru too.




Blissfully Happy..
Cole

I haven't written in here in a while. Many things happened that I guess I needed time to think about. Sometimes you need that you know? Quiet time to get your head right and to try and go through all those thoughts that cloud your brain. Mine has been extra cloudy with all the events. I'll start with the first thing.

Rumer. Sweet girl, one of the nicest girls I have ever met. Walks around humming and cleaning, her hair is pretty and blonde, looking like gold at times it's so shiny and pretty. Her eyes are amazing too, turquoise. I really do care about her and now she's pregnant. Not with just anyone but two guys, two guys that I have loved for so long, Jessie and Dirk. I can't say I was overly joyed to hear about it. Honestly I was pretty sad. I mean, not one of them but both. But later she and I talked alone and knew right away that things would be okay. She really is going to be a great mom. Jessie is crazy about her, I can tell. Dirk well that's a different story and I'm going to get to all that too.

Now, on to Jessie. I found out that Gage turned him. Was I happy about that? No, not at all. It was very hard at first to see them together and to know that then they shared that bond too, and with Dirk? Yeah, not happy. I'm the only one that it can't happen to. Maybe Dien and Dru too, I'm not sure, haven't asked. Jessie is more with Rumer now though and that's okay. Just like her, he's going to make a great parent. Jessie is special, and very wrapped around Gage. I never thought that would happen. I even asked him for us to go away, just me and him. He said he had to ask Gage, like get permission to be alone with me. I told him never mind and left the room. It's okay, we are fine now. Friends mainly I guess you could say.

Dru and Dien. I love those two so much. They are so fun to be with and hang around and I'm very happy to have the light hearted fun of it. We can go play in the pool or even at the beach. And they are so much in love with each other and us that it's amazing to even be in their presence. We watch movies, go to movies, throw popcorn at everyone and ourselves. Have to love those two. Happy that they are in my life and I wouldn't change that for all the money in the world, or candy in my case.

Gage. He is usually busy with work. When I do see him he's always in a good mood. Very excited about the babies that Rumer is going to have. He's shopped a whole lot too. I haven't seen him so happy and it's really nice. I hope he stays that happy. I don't really have much to say about Gage cause honestly he's a mystery at times. Very quiet and when he does talk it's usually meaning something important. He's one of the coolest guys I know.

Now there is Noah at the house. He's really cool. Jessie's twin that nobody even knew about. His dad took Noah away from their mother and left Jessie with her though. Not sure why he did that but anyway, he told Noah that Jessie and their mother had died. Noah didn't even know that Jessie has been alive all this time, or how their mother tortured him. And now he's here and we are all getting to know him. So far he's really nice, we get him and Jessie confused all the time. It can be so funny to watch Gage grab Noah and kiss him then realize that's not Jessie! Poor Noah doesn't know what to do or say he stands there like a deer caught in headlights. I hope he sticks around.

Bet you are wondering why I haven't mentioned Dirk yet. Well there's a reason. He did a few things, that's not true he did a lot of things to upset me. He called Rumer names, he treated her like she was nothing. She's pregnant with his baby and he does nothing but hurt her. Like my sister all over again. This time though I wasn't going to stand for it and broke up with him. I was done with him. I can't be with someone like that. Worst part is after that he came to my room and tried to kill himself. Didn't even hesitate, just stuck that glass in his neck. I couldn't believe it. I'm sure Rumer healed him cause I passed out from it. Memories of myself, but I don't want to talk about that. He left, even after that, he got up and left. And was gone for two weeks, nobody could get in touch with him and he wouldn't answer his phone. Gage was very mad, everyone was upset.
But he calls, and now he is back. I admit I have been staying away from him, trying to get my head clear like I said at the start. I want to get through all of this. I guess I'm scared he's going to do it again. He left me a whole bunch of candy and bears, I'm sorry stuff. It was all very sweet and I do want to talk to him. Guess I'm waiting for my heart and mind to tell me it's okay to do it.

Anyway, I'm waiting for the babies like everyone else. Two little boys around the house will be so much fun. It's going to be great. And I hope that everyone stays happy here too. Nobody needs to fight anymore, is there really a true reasons for fighting? I don't know. I better go, I wrote too much already.




Cole

In a course of a few months so much happened, and things keep changing. I was back with Dirk again, happier then ever, we were like how we use to be, minus Gage. Spent a lot of time in bed, and a lot of time just being with each other and I was very happy, he was too.

We even had someone else in the bedroom once, it was fun and all but it was nothing more then playing around. That person left right after and it was just Dirk and me again. It's not me wanting more it's that I'm trying to keep things fresh, and fun, to keep him happy and myself happy. I know that it sounds strange to say that you bring someone else into the bedroom to help the relationship work, but I thought it was something we could try.

Look where that got me now right? He watched me make out with that guy in the kitchen, even said he liked it and it turned him on. But something wasn't right after that. We started to fight, started to talk about how things use to be and then it got to the point where neither of us could figure out what really we were doing together. I mean we never talked about the physical and emotional abuse to each other. As I sat there after the fight I really sat and thought about all the things we put each other through. He went to the other side of the house and we stayed apart for a while.

And Akasha shows up. I saw how they acted towards each other, didn't really think much of it and kept to myself. Then he comes in and tells me he's leaving, pretty much we are over, a mutual decision. He left with her to go to Mexico. He even called me once to let me know he was okay.

So here I sit, alone in this huge house and wondering what I'm going to do. I did the scream and cry thing for hours even days and it got me nowhere. Laid in bed for a couple of days too. I never thought we would end again, off and on all the time, but how much more of it can we take. I'm not sure what he and Akasha are doing, if they are together like a couple or not, he really didn't say much on the phone other then he was okay.

I've been having those awful thoughts again and even thought about possibly checking myself back in to the hospital. Funny how the one place I was so scared of and wanted out of before is now possibly a safe haven for me. At least there I wouldn't be able to do something without thinking.

I need to get my head clear. And I need to start staying away from relationships. I'm young right? Eighteen is young and I have plenty of time for this relationship drama, I need to be myself for once. I don't know, maybe I'm just not thinking clear right now, or maybe I am.

Lonely though, maybe I'll head back to the main house in Rhydin, be around family. I don't want this house, Dirk can have it and everything that's in it. This place is full of bad memories, just like everywhere else we have lived.

Time to take off the ring. I think I will go and get my hair cut too, why not, fresh start.



Cole

Ever have one of those dreams where it feels so real? Where the person you are missing and wanting is laying there next to you, so real you can feel their breath and touch their warm skin. I keep having those dreams about him. Wishing that everything could be like it use to be. Before the fights, the hitting, all of it and just be us again.

It's been harder then I thought it would be to try and move on. Feels like I'm never going to feel normal again. I want to sit in my dark bedroom, listen to music and just be alone. Depressed is probably what they would call it.

This wasn't how it was suppose to be. He wasn't suppose to be off with someone else, he's suppose to be with me. Here with me. Funny, sometimes I can sit in bed and I swear I hear him in the bathroom getting ready for bed. How his soap smelled, or his cologne. The scent of the pillows I took from the house, that he used, are not smelling like him anymore. I miss how he smells, what he feels like.

Pitiful? Yeah. I guess you could say that. And it's not that I'm mainly lonely, it's because I want him. Even when I told him that it was over and I was over him, of course my heart was about to burst out of my chest, I didn't mean it then, I never will. I'm probably going to love him for the rest of my life and there isn't anything I can do about it, and I don't think I would if I had the chance.

I keep thinking that maybe each morning I wake up it will be easier. It doesn't get easier, not one day has it gotten easier. My arm moves to the side of the bed where he should be and the spot is cold and alone.

Remembering how he would sleep on his side and I would play with the ends of his hair, or the back of his neck. He has these little freckles that you can't hardly notice unless you are really close, I counted them.. I miss that too. He even talked in his sleep, nothing serious more just jibberish but I would lay awake and listen to him.

And then it was the nights we shared. Where it was more perfect then anything in this world to me. I miss those soft kisses, the soft caresses and laying next to him. We didn't have to say anything, I was content just laying there next to him, putting my head on his chest and hearing his heartbeat.

Dancing around the pool, cranking the music loud and dancing. We would make the neighbors angry but he didn't care. That's what I loved about him, he didn't care what anyone thought about him or what he did, because if it made him happy or me happy, then nobody else mattered.

Why didn't I cherish it more. Why did we let it get so bad.

Difficult for me to say that I want him to be happy, even if it's not with me. But it's true.

I think I'll go off on my own for a while, maybe even out of Rhydin. Alone, you know? Sometimes we have to know ourselves before we can get to know and love someone else. I think I lost that somewhere.


I miss him, I can't tell him I love him everyday.

God, help me get through this.



Cole

Okay, so things are very strange right now and I mean very strange. I had those times of when Dirk and I were broken up that I moped, pretty bad. And so, yeah, I was a bit mopey and a bit on the sad side. Cried all the time and kept going on. Russ has this brilliant idea I guess to say if I'm going to act like a girl, then I'm going to be one right? He turned me into a girl! And now he can't change me back! I'm still kinda angry at him, he could of warned me. Heads up, turning you into a girl and I can't change you back right? That way I could of ran the heck out of the room. He's horrible, but I think it's pretty funny too. Out in public they have to call me Nicole.. it's a nice name but I never realize it's me they are talking to until they get right next to me and say it.

I could do without all the guys trying to hit on me, it's great but come on, those are my brothers pretty much, kinda gross. Anyway, so here I sit as a girl. Been very weird and doing things differently has been even more weird. All that crazy stuff with Dirk too, how he was in the hospital, I had to tell them I was his wife. WIFE! I tried not to laugh when they looked at me, tried not to let it show it was me under this visage of a woman. Dirk was doing good though, he faked being all childish to get out of there, even had me fooled for a while. Glad he's out though, now.

On to the biggest thing of them all. I could really kick Russ for not only making me a girl, but making everything work as well?! Now I'm having a baby? Does it get any more crazy then that? Though I have to admit, having boobs is really cool, I enjoy those fully. Sitting and using the bathroom, not so much. Other then those well, I'm pretty much the same me. I don't feel too much different, though being pregnant is feeling a little icky now. Dirk says it's normal to be feeling sick to my stomach and I might even get sick. I am not looking forward to that, I hate being sick.

Really though, I could go on and on about boobs and what they are good for but last time I did that I think Evie smacked me. She told me to stop acting and talking like Gage. Didn't want to tell her Gage doesn't even like boobs. Let that be his little secret.

Speaking of Gage, that is one person I do not want to see right now. I can only imagine how much he would laugh if he sees me. Julian? I try to avoid him too. Honestly I'm trying to avoid them all, they are such buttheads. I don't think it's funny to be subjected to sexual harassment. Okay, where did that come from...

I did though talk to Dean. He's doing so much better, but he tells me he's tired of everything trying to hook him up and setting him out on blind dates. I feel so bad for him sometimes. But he's happy, I can tell when he's holding Daniel and they are out at the park. Daniel is so big too! He's growing and Dean says he should be walking soon and I can't wait for that. I have to remember to go over and see Dean and Daniel today, I don't want to miss him trying to walk.

And lastly but not least, Dirk. He's been so great. I was worried he would be upset that not only did Russ turn me into a girl, that also we are now having a kid. But he's happy and he lets me know how happy he is every single day. I know he didn't want to be a dad again, but he's really happy. Probably these will be the last and hopefully Russ turns me back after. I don't know how long I can take being a girl. Not that it isn't fun, trust me it's fun, but it's not me, well totally. Dirk seems to be enjoying himself, but I think he wants me back to myself soon too. At least I hope he does. I am not staying a girl forever!

Anyway, I have to go.



Lata,

Cole

Well it's day two of it being over with Dirk.

I went to the doctor the other day and had a sonogram done. So it is definitely a little girl. She wasn't too big though, the size of a baseball. So cute too. Her ittle arms and legs, tiny toes and fingers. Doctor said everything is right on track and everything is going along as planned. So I'm really happy about that.

As for Dirk, I haven't talked to him since. Left him a picture of Lily. But as far as I know, Dirk's gone now with Gage to wherever. He's been avoiding me. Can't blame him, I've been doing the same. Been at this Inn with Steve and later I'll probably try and get a place of my own. But for now the Inn is okay.

Steve knows exactly how it feels to be in a relationship with someone like Dirk. He was married to Gage. That gives him pretty good insight into how that is. He's not really talking about Gage though. I asked him if he'd take him back but he says no. I'm pretty sure we both know that Gage and Dirk are off somewhere together, and I don't mean just hanging out. Dirk always does go right for the next thing when he can so I'm pretty sure they are sleeping together by now. Soon as the divorce is final, I'm sure he and Gage will be married soon after.

I'm not going to stay bitter. I'm going to try and be strong and not think about things for the baby. I want her happy and healthy so I'm trying my hardest to keep all that stress at bay.

Funny thing is that I can't stop thinking about Dirk. Wondering if I'm even on his mind anymore or if he's already moved on with Gage.

Anyway, this time I'm not really wanting to write much. I have too much to do. Thinking maybe of traveling before I can't anymore. Who knows.





Cole

We are back together again. Crazy right. I still can't believe it myself. He came back to the fraternity and asked me to leave with him and here I am in Paris with him. He's very busy most of the time so we don't exactly have too much time to ourselves. It can be a bit tiring at times.

I also got to meet Remy, face to face. He does look a little like me. Very attractive. But then Dirk always had good taste. Remy even touched Dirk's shoulder and Dirk wasn't happy about it. Remy seemed like a real jerk. From what Dirk tells me is that it was just to try and forget and it really didn't even do that for him. I still don't see how sleeping with someone else is to help you forget, but it happened and now it's over.

Going with him to almost every fitting and show has been an experience. We don't usually go to the after parties. Even though I'm sure that would be fun. Though I'm also kinda not use to them all catering to me and trying to touch my stomach all the time. Trying to feel the baby move. I don't mind it though. Course my powers kick in and they get all lovey and that's always funny to watch. They are even stronger when I'm like this so it's really neat to watch the reactions. Usually I even get a few kisses, but Dirk is usually quick to whisk me away before it gets too much.

Let's see. I guess I can also talk about my little problem. I find it hard to sleep with him after he's been with someone else. Not just anyone, but Gage and then this Remy. I mean it could be considered a trust issue. Yeah, probably is. I can't help it though. I keep imagining him with them and then I freeze up and just want to move away from him. Not even be touched cause is that how he touched them too.

He tells me he didn't even kiss Remy. But I'd be really stupid if I didn't think he kissed Gage. I know he did and I think about how he kisses me. If that's how he kissed us both, or talked during. So, yeah, I've been a bit distant when it comes to the bedroom. We've done a few things but still, I have trouble.

I love him with all that I am and I want this to work. I don't want a future of us with other people. It kills me to even think of it happening like that. And then adding our daughter into it. She deserves the best. Both her parents, and if they can be happy and together, I think that's even better.

Things are starting to look better every day too. He's been so sweet and loving on me. Taking really good care of me and always making sure I'm feeling okay. He's so cute when he gets worried.


Well I better get going. I'm sure he's going to be awake soon and we are off to another fitting.

Oh and Steve, he's doing really good back at home. I called him the other day and he's sounding really good. I'm going to call him probably while Dirk is in the fitting.

I also talked to Joel. He's good too. Rooming with Andrew and having a great time. They like to go out to the clubs all the time and I'm happy for him. He's saying he'll come visit soon, and I can't wait to see him.

Ryan and Ollie are being trouble as usual. I hardly got a word in and they kept going on about what they'd been up to. Hope Jaden doesn't freak out too much when he looks out and sees that they turned the pool orange just for Halloween. But I think Jaden will understand when they say it was also to make Dean laugh on his birthday. I'm going to talk to Dirk and see if we can't head by to Rhydin for his birthday tomorrow. I love his birthdays, they always go all out.


Okay, now I'm really leaving.



Cole

I spent a few more minutes with Dirk. I went to see him once more. When I had called to make sure he was alright, he said he was sorry, didn't mean any of those things he said. Out of anger you will say stuff, I know. But when I heard him yell and they hung up on me, I had to go see if he was alright.

All that running and getting upset took it's toll on my body and I was fatigued and feeling horrible. Told them I wanted to see Dirk and they thought I was in labor so they went to get him. I wasn't going to argue. I wanted to see how he was.

They took me to the maternity ward and tried to get me in the bed and undressed, no thanks. Finally they bring in Dirk and he looked so drugged and out of it. Like a zombie. That's not what he's in the hospital for. He's not there to be drugged and kept a zombie and not taken care of. I was so upset and told them I want him out of there.

After a while the drugs subsided and Dirk was himself again. They let us spend some time together without being watched. I think we both knew this was it, our last time to be together. Time for us to move on. And we spent a while together, talking and other things. I'll miss how he holds me, and how at those moments I can feel like nothing else matters in the world and nothing can hurt me.

But it was over, and I left. I signed him up for another hospital. A better hospital, that I hope doesn't treat him like that and keep him drugged. All I want is for him to be better and really if I had a choice I would just let him out of those places and let him live however he's going to live. No pills are going to make him change that drastic, and if they do, then is it okay to change someone like that? Right now he's a no contact patient. So I'll have to wait to talk to him. I hope he's doing okay.

I just want him happy.

And I'm becoming very good friends with Stas. He's been there and been a shoulder to cry on when things get rough. He understands everything so I'm happy to have him around. I even crash at his place. We joke around that I could just go ahead and move in. Then we could hang out all the time. That might be nice. For once no worries other then if he drank my portion of the milk. Just kidding.

Maybe I should go ahead and move in with him. It could be fun and I won't be so far from hospital that Dirk is in, just in case he needs me.


Well I'm going to get going.



Cole

Took only two days to happen..

Went to visit Dirk, stayed at a hotel for a day and kept low to surprise him the following day. Brought Lily and everything. I just missed him so much that I couldn't stay away any more.

I left Lily with the Nanny, and then headed down to the building they had said Dirk was at. The show hadn't even started yet, so I wanted to hurry and see him. I got there and walked in, I could see him from a mile away. Sitting in the chair as his hair is being done. He's beautiful, as always. But his eyes were closed so I talked to a nice guy named Owen for a few minutes. He offered lunch and I was hungry, so why not. First though I had to throw something at Dirk and have him see me. He did and we hugged, kissed, all that good stuff. Being in his arms again, made me so happy. Safe.

Well I went to lunch with Owen, came back and the show was over. So Dirk and me went on back to the hotel. I worry about him a lot, he starves himself sometimes. He says he doesn't but I can tell when he needs to eat. He thinks I don't see it. But food had to wait once we got inside the hotel room. It all happens like how it's suppose to. Following the motions, in the bed with him. Every time it's like it is the first for me. I wonder if he ever felt like that. Probably not. I think sometimes he even imagined it was Gage he was making love to, not me. Right now, I wouldn't doubt it.

Next morning he left for work again. I had a horrible feeling all day that something wasn't right. Something didn't fit. I got the phone call. Dirk and Gage were in an accident. Gage wasn't doing so good and Dirk was banged up pretty bad too. I rushed to the hospital. Called everyone I could on the way there and got there quickly. Dirk was being cared for and Gage was in the operating room. I heard the whispers, they didn't think he'd make it. I held Dirk, told him it was going to be okay, Gage is strong. He will pull through it, and I had it in my mind as soon as I could get to Gage, I would heal him the best I can. No questions about that. He's my brother, I love him and would do anything for him.

Dirk came clean right there about what he and Gage had talked about in the limo before the crash. How they still love each other. And that they kissed. Of course I was instantly upset. How many times is this going to happen? They can't stay away from each other, ever. And I walked out on Dirk, went up to the ICU where they had put Gage after the surgery. Tomas was there, I reassured him Gage was going to be okay. And when I could I sneaked into the room and healed Gage some. Not much, he was really badly hurt, but enough to wake him up and for him to be able to talk, and move. I told Gage there, Dirk is his now.

I left. Went back to the hotel and packed all of my things and Lily's things. Sent Lily back home first, she didn't need to be around me when I'm like this. Me being upset would just upset her. She's only two weeks old but I can tell she's already very in tune with my emotions. The Nanny left back to the Pi house with Lily and I finished up getting my things. But the phone rang again.

Tomas. Gage is dead. I couldn't believe it. I just saw him and now he was dead. Tomas told me that Dirk said to bring a car, to pick them all up and Gage's body. I got a car and rushed back to the hospital. I'll never forget his face. So pale, no life in it, his eyes dull and staring ahead. I ran over and grabbed his hands and they were cold, so cold. I didn't know what to do but I wasn't going to let my brother leave us. Russ had been walking around and found us. He came over and together we brought Gage back.

It was so tiring, Russ just about passed out. Gage looked at us and smiled. Nothing will ever erase that smile from my memory. We were all so happy that he's okay.

Russ left to go and tell everyone else that Gage is going to be okay. We were all ready to leave. Tomas cuddling on Gage and Dirk, at first he thought we were back together, he tried hugging on me. I looked at them all. And screamed at them. Am I the only one that sees that Gage and Dirk want each other? I felt so bad for Tomas as Gage told him he was sorry. I knew it was true. We all did, and poor Tomas, he looked just like me when it first happened to me. The first time my heart was broken.

So sorry Tomas. I should of warned him. Deep down I always knew Dirk would be with Gage again. I knew that I would be alone. Tomas and I left and went to a bar. Drank for a while. All I wanted to do was go home and cry and be alone. All the thoughts of why I wasn't good enough for Dirk came into my mind. I wasn't this, or that. Just not enough. Not perfect like Gage.

I can imagine now that as I write this he's in his arms. He probably is so happy and loving him. Won't take long for Dirk to be over me, I think he was before we even began. All those lies he told me. That he loved only me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I was so stupid. So stupid. I'm sitting alone in this hotel room. Writing in this book. I don't know what to do with myself. It's always been a life with Dirk. My thoughts and wishes for the future had Dirk in them. What am I going to do now?

I'm alone.

It's more then official that I am crazy. Here I am awake and writing in this when Dirk, Gage, and Jessie all lay in the bed across from me sleeping. What did we do? I'm amazed at how it all turned out. I went from being alone to having now three lovers. Lucky or what? I still can't believe it myself. I have to keep looking over to make sure they are really there.

All started with Dirk coming back in from his run more then angry that he had had a talk with Gage just a little bit earlier. He didn't say much, just that Gage and Jessie are there to get their things and leave again. That he talked to Gage and Gage put it out there that he is happy with Jessie and that he didn't want or need anyone else. They fought, to put it in easier terms. I could sense that Dirk must of been jealous. I mean really, we all know that Dirk still is madly in love with Gage. Can't just turn it off like a light switch.

They come up with this crazy idea to fight it out in the basement. Boxing. I thought it was silly. So did Jessie. But I tagged along and we got down there. I was so happy to see Jessie. It had been way too long since I have seen him last. Dirk and Gage got into the ring and started to fight it out. I didn't really want to watch so I got up into Jessie's lap and we started to talk, even touch a little. At first it was all innocent. I didn't think Jessie would ever want me, not like that anyway. But as I sat there and played with the buttons on his shirt, things turned into more then innocent. It felt so great to have him touch me again. I missed him so much. The touching turned into a few kisses, then snuggling and more kissing. I'm still so in love with him, I just didn't know how much till I was in his arms again.

Dirk and Gage I could hear still having it out, but then it got quiet. I didn't know if they were watching, they were though. Jessie and I started to really kiss and make out. It felt so right. My hands all over him and he tugged on my hair a bit. I heard Dirk and Gage talking and whispering.

Before I knew it I was being lifted up by Dirk and carried up the stairs. To the bedroom they said. I was stunned. The bedroom? The four of us? I was more then ready and excited for it. And once there everyone took off their clothes and it went from there. I closed my eyes and I could feel hands all over me. Didn't know who was where but wow. It was really nice. The best time.

Soon it was Jessie and me to the side, we would watch Dirk and Gage for a little, but I kept looking at Jessie and touching him. After all of it we kind of switched off. And then switched off again. Hands and bodies all over and I still feel like it was all a dream.

I can't believe this, I really can't. I'm hoping this time it works. I hope there is no jealousy and no anger, no fighting. I really thought I would be jealous when Dirk and Gage started to make love, and I wasn't. Dirk even kissed and touched on Jessie. Jessie's face was priceless, he was stunned. Then he started to kiss and love on Dirk and it was really, really amazing.

Dirk and I, we decided to go back to Arkansas with them. All of us are going to move into the house, Lily too. They all want to have kids. Dozens of them. And they look at me! I'm suppose to be a baby machine? I can handle that.

Anyway, I better get going. They will all be awake soon. I need to shower, though I don't want to wash them off of me. But I can smell like them later too.



Cole

Camping.
Things are so fun! Jaden even made a list of activities to do and we have so much fun, oh my god! The egg race was too funny cause the guys would end up throwing them at each other. Not me though, I'm a perfect angel.
So funny to see Ollie with egg all over him, and Dirk is usually the bad boy doing it. He's just so hot. Have to love the bad boy right?

Gage and Jessie spent most of the night in the cabin, I'm sure anyone can guess why. Emma and Brandon came out finally! They are just about the cutest couple! Very cute how they snuggle by the fire and whisper to each other. It's good to see Brandon happy, for a while we thought he was just going to stay in his room and mope.

Let's see. Joel got bit by a turtle in the lake. Very funny too. I didn't know he could scream like that. He ran back up on the ramp and just looked like he was going to have a heart attack. He's crazy sometimes. Course I didn't go into the water after that, who wants to be bit by a psycho turtle?

Russ is doing good, he's usually at the fire telling stories. He tells the scariest stories, him and Dean both. I'm still having nightmares about Russ without make-up. Yikes! How can Ana stand it?

We have a tug-o-war today. Though I don't think I'll be much of help for my team. I'll end up laughing and fall right on my bum. I know myself too well.

Back to Dean. I saw him sneaking off behind a cabin, talking to someone. I'm not sure who he was but he had long dark crimson colored hair. And boy was he tall. They were whispering so I couldn't hear what they were saying. The guy is so hot. I think he's Setheus' brother. They have the same pretty skin color almost and posture. Though this guy's very pale, like a pretty milky color. I didn't see him this morning but I sure hope I do. I want a better look!

Dirk is being super sweet too. My baby is so hot in his swim trunks, though half the time he's naked. I love it when he's naked. To me he's probably the hottest guy in the world. Well Jessie and Gage are pretty hot too. Jessie's lips are amazing. I can kiss on those for hours and he will just lay there and laugh at how silly I act. Gage loves his lips too, heard him yelling out last night just how much. Naughty boys.

Anyway, I better go. Going to try and get a little more sleep before the games start. Fun!



Cole

Having a certain way with people has always been a gift for me. Since I could remember. My Grandmother always told me that it was something I could even do when I was a baby, just make everybody fall madly in love with me. I always thought it was her way of making me feel better. Because it didn't always work that way, at least that's how I saw it.

When I was a little boy, probably around nine, I had a really good friend. Now I was always told to not touch people, that they couldn't understand the feelings they get from me. So usually I would back away from a hug, give a small pat on the shoulder instead. But this day, my friend, his name was Kevin, we hugged. At first he laughed and said he thought he felt something strange, pushed me and laughed more and ran away. I was confused, didn't know what he meant at all. I didn't hug him again, not until later.

Everyone has asked me when I knew. When I knew that I liked not just girls, but boys too. I can't really say, I guess I always thought that love and touching didn't have to be with just one gender. I mean, if you love someone, why would the gender matter? My family understood, they didn't ever talk about it but they never were cruel to me. Not that they were my blood family, but all the same, they were my family. Loved me a lot and wanted to protect me from a cruel world.

Back to what I was saying. Kevin. He came over, it was my sixteenth birthday and it was pretty big. My parents and Grandmother though, told me, today is an important day, not just for my age but other things. They wouldn't tell me what. Guess that's when the gift really, I can't think of the word, expanded maybe. In other words, I was lethal and didn't know it. Well not like deadly, actually yeah deadly.. and not able to control it. I keep going off track.

In other words, I hugged Kevin. I had no control over my gift at all at that time. I remember everyone in my family rushing over and screaming. "Cole don't touch him!" Little late.

I watched as his eyes rolled clear back into his head. He even had spit dripping from the corners of his mouth. And at that instant I dropped him and he fell to the floor like a ragdoll. I was horrified. I thought I killed my best friend. They all surrounded him, I heard him choking and I kept moving back away. I was scared to death at what I did. Just from a touch, I almost killed Kevin. Of course later I found out what I did was make his body be overwhelmed, his heart was going too fast and almost caused a stroke, could of been a heart attack. Anyway, he was okay, and I never saw him again. My parents forbid it. He wrote me though, professing love. I couldn't believe it. He loved me?

My parents and Grandmother told me it was the gift. Not what Kevin really felt. I believed them. Kevin though, he never did stop trying to find me, calling me, writing me. I had to admit I had feelings for him too. But if they weren't really true on his part, that if it was just my gift? Why try and make something of it. I couldn't be with someone if it was just my gift that made them fall in love with me. I haven't heard from Kevin in a couple of years, maybe the feeling finally wore off.

So there's one of my problems, among the many. That's not all I can do though. I found out that I can alter a mood of even a group of people. I can zone in on feelings, alter them and sit back and watch. Not everyone is easy to do though. Some have such strong feelings that I can't do anything about them. Though sometimes I can only wonder who really does love me when I can make them, you know?

I have also hurt people. Accidents, yeah. Still, not something I'm too proud of. If I sit and let the gift build up, I can really hurt someone. Found that out with Kevin. If I hadn't of let him go, he could of been dead. I don't touch too many people anymore. I do have better control over my power now, or so I thought. But I'll write a lot more about that another time.

One example was that horrible night at the fight club. Those men had it coming though. Nobody likes to talk about what happened that night. Not everyone is okay with someone liking guys too. I don't really like to talk about it either. But they are all dead now, not that I killed them, that was Dirk and Gage, but I did make one of them come close to dying. I pulled back just in time, Dirk took over anyway.

Sometimes feel sorry for those guys. Then I remember what they did to me. I'll always be afraid around a large group of men, thanks to them.


I better go. My hand is starting to feel all cramped.

Cole

Things can change so quickly. The thoughts still haven't stopped. Dirk and I talked, he wants to get me help and so does Jess and Gage. Everyone wants to help me. Even more now.

While Jessie and I were talking, it turned a little more then heated. With my powers out of whack it's crazy and I can really do some crazy things to the guys. They get really, well you know..

Dirk gets it the worst and he can be really rough, but he's getting better and I'm trying to control it more too. But we have been keeping a little bit of distance from each other. Anyway, that's going off what I was just talking about a moment ago. Jess.

Jessie and I well, we did it. And we did it while I am like now. Yeah, a girl. He asked me to have his babies. With everything I wasn't sure, I mean why do it when I'm so depressed. Being pregnant might make it that much worse. Funny right? I can switch back and forth. Live both lives. The guys love it, I think it's kind of strange.

So, we did it, a few times. And with how my body is, things happen quickly, so here I sit, with babies in the oven. Crazy, crazy, crazy. At first I freaked out. And then I freaked out more when I was told, there's not one, not two, but there are three! Russ sent a potion thing over and it stopped the quick advance of the pregnancy to being normal, but now I think it's gone to be about six weeks. If it wasn't for that potion, they think I could of had them in a week or so. Scary. Not ready for that just yet.

Jessie is amazed, and fainted when he found out let me add, Dirk and Gage seem very happy too. Feels weird having someone else's kids then Dirk. But I love Jess so much and he loves me. He's been doting ever since. He doesn't want to leave me alone for a second. Always with a worried look on his face. And I'm my typical clumsy self. I trip over everything, even more now. I've fallen on my bum so many times it's not even funny anymore. And he looks horrified every time.

Dirk laughs but he makes sure I'm okay first. Which I always am.

Gage works a lot, and now with the triplets and Lily, he wants to make sure we are more then stable. He's so sweet. He will come home and cuddle with me in the bed and watch TV with me. He says he can't wait to see the babies. And then he'll go and spend time with Lily. He loves her like his own. Jessie too. Dirk even sleeps in Lily's room sometimes. I think he worries about her too. With that stuff about Eros and Henri, he's always making sure to watch over me and Lily.

Which goes to what happened yesterday. We went to the beach, Jessie's house. We thought it was safe. Had such a good time. Played in the water just a little bit, Jessie was worried about things called riptides. Didn't want me far out. Dirk let us be alone for a while, he went inside the house and did the dishes from dinner. Jessie and I sat there on the rocks, I couldn't believe that he can I were together again, and having a family. He's so happy, and so am I. It was so nice to sit there with him and talk about everything. I told him more about my thoughts and that they still haven't stopped even with being pregnant. He doesn't think I'm a horrible person for it. He did say if it got bad between me and Dirk, like with when I was having Lily, that he would bring me back to his house and away from Dirk. I told him Dirk would go insane, but he thinks my health is the most important thing. And the triplets healths of course. I do agree.

Anyway, I stood up rather quick on the rocks when Dirk came out, to wave at him and I slipped. Fell right into the water. I was okay of course. Then something, a hand, wrapped around my ankle and before I knew it Eros had me, he swam out far from Dirk and Jess. Their faces, I'll never forget the looks they had. They were terrified.

I didn't know what Eros was going to do. He talked about taking me to Henri. To see how babies are born and that he'd send our corpses back when it was done. Jessie did something to Eros. I got away but not before Eros' nail, claw, something went right across my stomach. I didn't look back, I just swam as fast as I could to the shore. Eventually Eros was gone and I checked my stomach, Jessie came close and put his hand over it and healed it. The babies were okay, but he was crying which made me cry and Dirk was furious.

Dirk called Setheus to come, and he did. Setheus looked horrible. Like he was so full of sadness. He probably misses Jessie. I feel bad for him. Jessie and I went inside as Setheus and Dirk talked. Later we showered and went to bed. I fell asleep between Dirk and Jessie, they stayed by my side. Jessie I think is now very scared of letting me out of his sight for even a second. Scared me too. I hope Eros never comes back.


I should go. Mornings are icky for me and I'm pretty tired.


Cole