The Used
"All That I've Got"

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
Off guard, red handed
Now I'm far from lonely
Asleep I still see you lying next to me
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..

I need something else
Would someone please just give me
Hit me, knock me out
And let me go back to sleep
I can laugh
All I want inside I still am empty
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I guess, I remember every glance you shot me
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat
I squeeze so hard
I stopped your heart from beating
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I..

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got
It's all that I've got!

So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got

And it's all that I've got
Yeah, it's all that I've got


Cole is always carrying a journal with him and sometimes I get to sneak a little peek, but not very often, he's more private than I would have expected. Anyway, it got me thinking that maybe I should write stuff down sometimes. I don't know how consistent I will be, probably get bored of this like everything else, but I will try. Things have been kind of crazy lately. I thought I was in love with Os, I even almost told him that, thankfully me scaring the crap out of him by acting like such a girl made him stay away for a while and I realized that I am not in love with him, I do love him, but more as a friend. That's all we're going to be, friends, and that really is okay with me.

Well anyway, part of what helped me to overcome that whole situation was Cole, my best friend ever. He and I just clicked right away and we have such a good time together, I have to admit I have a small crush on him, but who doesn't. He taught me how to kiss, it was so awesome, being close to him and feeling what I felt, it made realize that I'd be okay with out Os and that I probably really wasn't in love with him. So Cole and I hang out pretty much every day, one day when he was at the Inn alone, he met this guy named Azahr and he is head over heels for him.They hang out practically every night and are so freaking cute together!

At first I was worried about sharing him, because I know I can be a little needy, I hate being alone, but Az and his friends are so sweet to me and make me feel like a part of their circle of friends and of course, Cole? He never leaves me out, even when Az is around, he still cuddles with me and makes sure I'm having a good time. Could never ask for a better friend. Even Lex is happy for Cole. I talked to him a bit and of course sometimes he misses Cole, but he is so happy because Cole is so happy and doesn't feel sad now when he can't be with him, because he has someone else to go and snuggle with. I'm glad that they have such an open, honest, and loving relationship, they really make it work.

Me? I don't know if I could do it. Part of me wants something with someone, but at the same time the whole settling down thing scares me, but I can't imagine ever sharing someone, but I'm not in the same situation either. I guess you really don't know how strong love is until it's been fully tested and tried. I admire them. All of them are so giving. Enough about that though, cause I'm sure I'll dish about those three a lot since they are pretty much the only people I hang out with.

I want to talk about this guy I met. I went to the main house to go and find Cole one day, well this huge guy, who was practically naked answered the door. I've seen him around but never spoken to him, well he was a bit gruff, but he let me in and we started to talk. Actually, I talked, he grunted. He does that a lot. Strange. Anyway, he was really interesting,charming, mysterious, I wasn't really thinking about him like *that* but then he just mesmerized me out of nowhere and commanded me to let him kiss me, and, I did. It was incredible. His name is Gage, I don't know much about him, just that he apparently is very dangerous, has a temper, but is incredibly loyal. There was also something about him being a Lycan, but I don't believe it until I see it, I mean, I know Rhy'din has all sorts of people, but I really would have to see it. Maybe I really want to, I think it'd be kind of sexy in a weird way, not that I'm into animals, but, well, this guy is just, wow. He is very broad and strong, the epitome of what a man is, to see him feral and acting on instincts alone, I bet thatd really be something. He has a scar on his face, I didn't ask about it, but I thought it gave him character, not that he needs anymore, because he is hot enough as it is without it. I'm sure he could charm the pants off any girl he meets, but for whatever reason, he seemed to want to kiss me. Not sure that he was serious, maybe he just needed kisses, like Cole does. I really want to see him again, hoping he'll call, but I'm not going to be desperate or stalkerish and call him or just keep showing up at his place. Let him come after me if he is interested. Cole will keep me in the loop I'm sure.

Just have to be myself, don't change for anyone, let someone love me for who I am. Cole told me that, said I'm amazing as I am and beautiful. He is such a sweetheart, don't know what I'd do without him. I try so hard to be strong, but sometimes I just feel so scared and insecure, I think when I try to overcome that I kind of come off bitchy or flighty or something and I don't like that. I want to be who I am. I'll work on it. I've got to be happy with me and not let people get to me. I am worthy of a good guy and I'll find him, just like Cole says.

Things I wish I could change about me:

Being insecure
Being overly sensitive
Feeling like I *need* someone


Those are on the top of the list. Not that I am sensitive to the point where I start crying or anything, but I let things eat me up inside. I worry a lot and well, when I'm home alone, by myself with nothing but those worries and thoughts? It's not good, makes me feel kind of bad. I don't like that at all, feels like I'm treading dangerous territories mentally or something and I'm not ready to cross over to the dark side. Maybe I just need to remove my heart from my sleeve and keep it somewhere safe for a while, at least until I know who I can trust. Cole, he is on the list, everyone else? Well they have to prove themselves first, I don't want to be hurt again.

SHE WANTS REVENGE:

Tear You Apart

Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right
At the right place and right time, maybe tonight
And the whisper or handshake sending a sign
Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind

Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her
Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped
But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light
When she walked in, he throws up, believe its the fright

Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak
And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak
An escape is just a nod and a casual wave
Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days

It's only just a crush, it'll go away
It's just like all the others it'll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear

I want to f*cking tear you apart

Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed
And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance
Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there
Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare

They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do
Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school
But their lips met, and reservations started to pass
Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last

Either way he wanted her and this was bad
He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy
Now a little crush turned into a like
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right

I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to f*cking tear you apart

Mmm, what did I do last night? Oh! I practiced looking girly.I put on a fitted dress and heels and went out to the RDI to show off for Cole and Az. They both said I looked great, so that's good, hopefully I can keep pulling this off through the date with Gage. Not that I'm changing for him, but, it's kind of fun to get dressed up, be a little girly. I have to admit, I enjoyed going to the spa, not so much the ripping off hair from my body, but the massage and manicure were both nice. I even got a deep conditioning treatment done on my hair and got the ends trimmed, but no way am I cutting it off. Heck no!

So we were at the Inn and Az like, looked at this guy who was leaving and Cole got all pouty and huffy and went to the bar. Az was like 'what the heck just happened.' so I told him, basically not to look at any other guy when Cole was around. Of course Cole denied he was jealous, but whatevers, it was cute watching him pout and then cuddle with Az. Lil brat, he is so getting tickled for that. I sat on the couch and talked to this girl named Darling. She is a mute, I guess, so I showed her how to text message and we were having fun with that, that is until my phone went off with the ringer I chose for Gage which is that Bloodhound Gang song, yanno, that animal one. Mmhmm. Oh gosh, embarassing. Thankfully no one knows who that is set for. My dirty lil secret.

I did tell at some guy, I thought he was blowing off Darling just because she couldn't speak. I think I made him feel pretty crappy. Oh well, he ended up buying us wine and chocolate and talking with us, but then Darling got yoinked and pretty soon it was time for me to go.

I didn't do much when I got home, I sat on my bed for a while and played with my bass and then pulled out my acoustic guitar and strummed out a few notes, I've been wanting to write really badly. Not sure what about, but I'll get something out that makes sense and write some music to go with it. After that I did girly upkeep stuff, took a shower, dried my hair, scrubbed my face, moisturized, made sure my nails were still looking pretty and buffed. Never know when that boy might call. Ugh. I hate waiting. I think he knows that. He's probably doing it on purpose. Stupid boys!

Senses Fail- Bite To Break Skin

So let me take this medicine
To quench my love for violent things
My swan song will
Be like a bullet laced in anger
As the razor cuts a soft spot
On your heel.

(Each breath) is getting slower
(This war) is getting harder
To fight by myself
(Sick waves) of bitter fashion,
(Ripped down) the shield that I have
Tears rain from above.

Do you see?
The life I lead?

So follow me into the sun,
And I will bleed, the poisons dry.

These bayonet scars never cease
To blind the light shed from the beast
And all we do is hate.

(Eyes shot) from constant visions.
(Angels) are rendered useless
Good has lost it's heart.

Do you see?
The life I lead?

So follow me into the sun,
And I will bleed, the poisons dry.

For you For You
(For you!)

Bite to break skin,
Don't give the secret,
My stoic face,
Beaten with passion
The phoenix will die
Inside the fire storm
I am the son
So follow my footsteps.
Bite to break skin,
Don't give the secret,
My stoic face,
Beaten with passion
The phoenix will die
Inside the fire storm
I am the son
So follow my footsteps.



"You belong to me." Those words will not stop ringing in my ears. I belong to him. I wish I could understand exactly what he meant, but something about the way he said it makes it feel like he was saying something more, or maybe it was just different than " You're my girlfriend." It was like he was making his claim, he might as well have raised his leg and marked me.

I'm not angry about the way he said it, in fact, I love the way he said it, the way it was growled into my ear while he held me pressed against the wall. He was angry. I provoked him, something I shouldn't have done. I didn't mean to, honestly, but I don't think that changes it or makes it any better. My underarms and my waist have bruises on them from where he held me, I wonder if it's weird that I can't stop looking at them and touching them. They're from his hands and I'd take hundreds more of them if it meant me being pressed against the wall with his body holding me there, his breath on my neck.

I cherish every touch from him because I hardly get to feel the smoothness of his skin as much as I'd like, every contact is brief, and it always makes me want to cry when he has to move away from me. I hope a time will come, and sooner than later that I will be able to sit close to him, lean my head on him, cuddle with him. I suppose people, including me, take for granted the small things in life. I never knew holding someones hand could mean so much to me, but when it's something you want and cannot have, it's torture.

Being with him is the most blissful torture I could ever imagine. I'm biting my lip as I write this because I know it must sounds crazy. I don't want him to know what he's doing to me, I think it'd scare him, it'd push him away, wouldn't it? I cannot say what it is I feel, but it's an addiction. I need to see his blue green eyes bearing down into mine, the way they turn colors when he's turned on by some silly little thing I've just done that only he would find endearing. I need to see his fists clench at his sides, the way he reaches for me and then pulls back because he needs me too. The tight lipped smile that I get, only when I turn my back and he thinks I don't see, but I do. I need to feel his breath against my skin, the quick rush of him inhaling my scent, the way he cannot help but taste me when he's whispering in my ear.

I need all of it and I'm not going to let it go. It's stupid, it is, I know it is, he won't stop telling me that it is stupid and not a game. I know it's not a game and I know we're both being really stupid even trying this, but I can't stay away from him. I will not stay away from him. I'm tempting fate or the Gods or whatever it is that's keeping me alive, but I haven't felt so alive in a while now. I feel the safest when I'm with him, when I'm with the one person I should fear the most. I know he won't let anything happen to me, he won't let anyone hurt me, he's so scared that he will, but I don't worry about that, he has self control like I've never seen. As I said before, even if he did accidentally hurt me, I'd never be angry, this is my choice and I've made it.

I've fallen for a Lycan and there is no going back. I belong to him.

(Author's note: This journal entry may borderline PG-13 and run into some mild R rated areas. You are warned.)

Avenged Sevenfold- Scream

Caught up in this madness too blind to see
Woke animal feelings in me
Took over my sense and I lost control
I'll taste your blood tonight

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Relax while you're closing your eyes to me
So warm as I'm setting you free
With your arms by your side there's no struggling
Pleasure's all mine this time

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure masked your desire
perishing

We've all had a time where we've lost control
We've all had our time to grow
I'm hoping I'm wrong but I know I'm right
I'll hunt again one night

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it's too late you've wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure masked your desire
perishing

Some live repressing their instinctive feelings
Protest the way we're built don't point the blame on me

Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would
if I ravaged your body
Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would if I ravaged
your mind

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there's silence
Scream while there's life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure masked your desire
perishing

this madness,this madness,this madness,we've lost control,lost control,this madness,this madness,ill hunt again one night, this madness, ill hunt again one night



I'm having a hard time writing this, as usual when it comes to writing about Gage. I have to get this all down though, get it out, I never want to forget what happened last night and into the early hours of the morning. I don't think I'll ever forget Gage or that night, no matter what happens. I found myself last night.

I found myself in his arms. I found my spirit, my freedom, the ability to laugh at myself when I'm making ugly faces and be okay with it because I was experiencing shear bliss. I found what it was to lose all control and I found my way back. I found happiness in my insecurities and I found pleasure in the sound of my own scream. I found how to love myself completely and without inhibitions or restrictions or exceptions. I found me, through him. I can never thank him enough for what happened between us, the explosive chemistry that finally came to a head and the passion that ignited us, it led me, to my freedom.

Let me start from the beginning, how we got there, it wasn't expected, in fact, I thought I had once again ruined my chances in spending more than a few minutes with him.

It was early in the afternoon when he texted me, he asked me to come over and swim with him, of course I couldn't resist, I was there quickly. Gage thought he'd be okay with me there, but as soon as I got there, I saw his eyes begin to flicker, I was tempting him. He damned himself, but enticed me into the water with him, which proved to be foolish and careless as he pulled me to him. Something about me, my smell, something, everything is a trigger for him, everything about me he has to work to resist the temptation to eat me alive. I had to hold very still as he held me and calmed himself, he let his hands slowly roam over my body and he cautiously got to know me all over again as he inhaled my scent and traced his hands over my skin. Within a few minutes, he was okay again, but without thinking, I moved, to quickly and to sudden and it caused a bad reaction. His darkside came out and he was out of the pool and across the room damning me for my inability to listen to him. I felt horrible, I thought it was over, time to go again, but after clearing his head, he gained control and returned to me, holding me in his arms and making small talk, trying to ignore my body screaming to him. He even tried to get me to dance, but I told him I couldn't and even stepped on his toes. Part of me thinks he thought that was cute, though, he didn't say, he simply let go of me and moved out of the pool. This time I was certain it was time for me to go home, but instead, he looked at him and told me it was "time" and made a request, which sounded more like an order to come with him to his room.

I followed him without hesitation, although after him telling me that he wasn't the same Gage he used to be, that he didn't just go sleeping with any girl who crossed his path, I was sure that he just wanted me to see his room, nothing passionate would happen between us. How could it? But as soon as we were there, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a kiss and I knew what was going to happen. What I had wanted from the very first time we had met, was going to happen. I had to admit, him letting me know what was going to happen, made me feel rather special, I wasn't just one of the girls who crossed his path. I had to be something more. Right?


I was scared, to say the least. Years of waiting, wanting, it had all come to this, me and Gage standing in his room, arms wrapped around one another. He was going to be my first. He quickly worked to soothe my fears and made me feel comfortable in his arms. I was amazed at how gently he handled me, I didn't think it was possible and I really didn't think he'd be able to control himself, not for the hours and hours that he lasted with me. I won't lie, the first feelings of our bodies joining were not the pure bliss described in books, it was a shock that took me a few minutes to recover from, it made me cry out and I pressed my face against his chest to smother my cries, but slowly, I started to feel that elated sense of pleasure and excitement, something that he worked patiently to bring out in me. I was certain that his pace was not usually so gentle or so slow, which he proved to me once I became accustomed to him and all of the new feelings and emotions I was experiencing.

I'm fairly certain that we broke several things in his room, and those beautiful black satin sheets, well, I'm pretty sure they're in shreds now. He never once raked his nails down my back or bit into my skin, and I was just as cautious with him, I don't think either one of us to ready to experience what would happen if he tasted my blood and vice versa.The night was not with out excitement, passion, and the urgent roughness that comes with new and young lovers. There were some things he had to teach me, and some things we laughed about together as I fumbled through some of the positions and awkwardness of being new to this. At times I think he wanted to take control, but he let me find myself and my own comfort zone, at least for the first few hours, as time went on, he became more and more aggressive and I became more and more filled with lust as my body started to betray me and respond to him in ways I didn't know were possible.

I fell asleep in his arms with the most pleasant aching I've ever felt. Every inch of my body ached and felt bruised, but it was pure bliss. I slipped into the deepest most restful sleep I've ever had with my head on his chest, the low rumbling and growling lulling me to sleep.

I woke up this morning in his bed, he of course was gone, I'm fairly certain he went out to hunt. He was on his best behavior last night, but I'm sure he couldn't last long by my side without his dark side coming out. I don't blame him, not at all. It was amazing. The one thing that took me a moment to notice after I came out of my fog was the tightness around my neck, not choking tight, but something unfamiliar was there. When I reached around I felt cold, smooth leather. Jumping from the bed, which I quickly regretted with my aching body screaming in protest, I ran to the mirror and my jaw dropped when I saw it.

Gage had collared me.

I have no idea what it means, all I know is that it looks beautiful. In fact, I feel more beautiful this morning than I have in a long time. My cheeks are still flushed, my lips are full and my body is aware of every shift of fabric against my skin which feels on fire. I feel confidant and sexy.

He had made certain my clothes were laid over a chair for me in his room, although, my bikini bottoms were no where to be found. I might have to ask him about that. Anyway, I held my head higher when I left the house, even though I'm fairly certain Dean saw me sneaking out.

Back at my house, I took a nice long bath, but I didn't take off the collar, I couldn't bear to. Gage put it on me and I'm sure it was for a reason, at this point I don't care what it was, it feels like a part of me at this moment and I sit here running my finger over it, I can't help but imagine what's to come.

I am his. No doubts. No worries. All trust.

Matchbook Romance - I wish you were here

Shallow it seems but I need you here
From me to you, I know I can?t feel a thing
Oh, sing me to sleep
I wont fight it when you leave

Oh, I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here, oh.

Desperate it seems but I can?t breathe
Are you real?
Are you real?
I can?t feel a thing
And this machine won?t stop
Be here when I wake
Sing me to sleep
I wont fight it when you leave
Sing me to sleep
I wont fight it?

Oh, I wish you were here
I wish you were here
I wish you were here, ohhhh.

Mothers. I called mine. My poor erratic hippie of a mother, I love her dearly, but you?d think she?d grow up eventually. My father is just as bad. They just got back from spending my inheritance (I?m kidding) at a nudist resort in Mexico! Both of them are just wrinkly gray haired kids. My mother feels the need to remind me that they could have started this whole phase of their life about ten years ago and gotten it out of their systems by now if *I* wouldn?t have happened, but of course she is sooo thankful I did happen because I?m such a joy. HA!

Anyway, she asked how my music was going; at least they have both always supported my dreams. Music was good I told her. She heard the hesitation in my voice. I admitted I?d been side tracked. Of course she knew it had to involve a man, so the phone call turned into girly gushing all about Gage. My mother INSISTS that I settle down and ?feel the love? let love guide me? (or some other booha bull crap) and then she also insisted that I bring him to meet them. YEAH RIGHT! I can just see it now. Gage, who despite his animalist natural, remains refined and dignified meeting my hippie parents! I can see him in one of his Calvin Kline (or whatever they are) suits on my parents dated denim couch and my parents sitting in their wing backed chairs, naked as the day they were born, trying to get him that tofu is better for you than meat. No thanks! At least they waited until I moved out to start the naked thing, ew. Just ew.

It?s not that I think Gage is stuck up or something or that I?m ashamed of where I come from. But I just know it?d be so embarrassing! My mom would pull out the naked baby pictures or the ones of me in my cowgirl phase when I insisted on wearing nothing but boots and a gun belt? (I was like three! Come on!) Gah! And then my mom would want to show her Janis Joplin impression and that?s not a pretty sight and my dad on naked back up air guitar? Now that?s REALLY bad! In fact, I feel queasy thinking about it.

Maybe they could come here and meet him, they?ve never been here before. And I could use the same excuse on them that they say when I?m visiting. ? This is my house young lady and if we want to be naked, we?ll be naked.? ? I could make them wear clothes! HA HA!

I wonder if Gage and I are even at that parent meeting point. I mean, it?s been like? a month or two now? He did use some pretty strong words regarding our ?relationship? and me but I mean, I dunno. We?ll see, I?m sure I can hold my mom off for a bit, her and my dad are headed off to Hawaii for a bit next, all about the warmth, they hate North Eastern winters. I told them to just sell the house and get a little condo in Florida or something, but my mom is sentimental and doesn?t want to get rid of the house where she raised her babies, just yet.

I told my mom about the Christmas presents Gage got me and I think she about had a heart attack. Of course she couldn?t say anything because she got that big gas guzzling R.V. last year that costs more than most people?s houses. But she couldn?t believe that someone Gage?s age could afford to give such gifts. I explained that he works really hard for his money and he is a little? older than me; so he is much more mature than I am. That just caused her to go into a giggling tizzy about how I should ?nail this one down? that I am in need of a man who can make me grow up and but also take care of me. Pffft! I don?t need anything, I can take care of myself, I just happen to want Gage. So I guess she?s lucky I found him. Or maybe I?m the lucky one. Either way? whatever. Then she starts asking if we?ve talked seriously about starting a family. I laughed. A lot. I asked how she felt about having puppies for grandchildren. She of course didn?t get it; thought I was really talking about buying a dog, but it was funny to me anyway.

After promising she?d email me pictures of Mexico (which I begged her not to do if they included naked photos) I promised I would send her pictures of Gage. I wonder how good I am at Photoshop, I could always cut him out of a magazine, and I am not even chasing him around with a camera and trying to explain why my mother wants to see pictures. Nope, not ready for that yet. Knowing my luck he?d say,
? Let?s just go see them.? Nope nope? not yet. Must convince my parents to wear robes at least, first.

Dear God- Avenged Sevenfold

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again
There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...
A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again


So it?s been a few weeks now, but going backwards; just as I was about to remove the collar he?d given me and say screw him, my phone rang. Maybe the collar has some sort of emotional instability or fed up detector. Not sure. Anyway, he called. I forced myself to press ? talk? because I was sure I didn?t want to hear what he?d have to say but much to my surprise, Gage actually called to apologize to me.

He?s been away on business, which I had suspected since I hadn?t seen him around the house when I go to see Rhy and the kids. I knew from the get go that Gage and I have crazy schedules and he?d be away a lot, I just thought I would know where. Well, anyway, that doesn?t matter. He called to let me know he?s been in Paris as well as some other fashion capitals and has just been so busy he hadn?t been able to call. Well, that and he was kind of freaked out himself about our relationship and so he started to do the Gage thing and separate himself from me but I guess (According to him) he doesn?t want to do to me what he?s done before with other girls. He wants to be with me and he wants to make us work and he?s tired of playing his games. ( He didn?t put it quite like that, but basically that?s what I think it comes down to.) I guess he really does care about me.

He?s still in Paris right now, but we talk on the phone pretty much every day. Honestly, it?s been so nice to just get to know one another, not having to deal with the fact that he can?t always physically be around me without wanting to tear me to shreds or wanting to be physical with one another. We?ve been able to really become friends, which means a lot to me. Gage isn?t a big talker and he doesn?t like to share all the personal details of his life, but he?s let me in on a few things that I don?t think he?d trust just anyone with and that makes me feel special. I have to admit, for a guy, he is a great listener. He laughed (Have I mentioned how sexy his laugh is?!?!) when I told him about my crazy, hippie, nudist parents. I just, I don?t even know all of what to say about the subject, other than it?s been really nice having him back in my life. Of course we?ve had some ?fun? on the phone, but I?m not going to write about that here, although I might have to tell at least Cole about it.

I asked him if he still thought of me as his and he said with out a doubt and that he still wanted me to be his, as long as that?s what I wanted. Of course that?s what I want, so I guess I?ll be wearing his collar indefinitely. As gruff and tough as he can be, I think it?s commendable that he gives me that choice, I have no doubt that Gage could just make me do whatever he wants but then again, I don?t think he wants a door mat. I think he likes that I have a back bone and can challenge him, but at the same time, I use my back bone wisely. I don?t know, I could be totally wrong about that, but either way, we?re making this work. It?s funny that it took thousands of miles for us to become so close.

I cannot wait to see him though, as great as talking and becoming closer is, I still miss him terribly. I know he is dangerous, but I can?t help how safe and comfortable I feel when I?m with him, crushed up against his chest. That deep rumbling that comes from his chest is like a lullaby and he?s so warm. Yeah, I miss him a lot.

He said that he?s going to check his schedule and take some precautions and depending on how he?s feeling ( if he thinks he can control himself with me) that he?d like me to come spend some time with him in Paris. I?ve never been there before, so that would be amazing, but also to be there with Gage? I?m betting that?s one trip I will never forget. I really hope that he finds a way to sate his hunger so that I can come to see him. I might not be able to stay with him, but at least to spend some time with him in person would be nice.

I?ve got to get a few loose ends tied up here in town with the band, let them know ahead of time I may be gone for a little while. I don?t think it will be a big deal. I?ve also go to talk to Cole and see if he can help me go shopping for the trip (depending on what Gage decides about my coming that is). I?m not sure what the weather is like in Paris this time of year and also, I know that it?s very chic; I don?t want to stand out like a sore thumb or embarrass Gage should I be meeting any of his fellow models or agents. So yeah, a call to Cole is important, I think he?s been to Paris and he knows Gage well so I?m sure he can give me good advice.

Maybe Cole and Az or Lex would like to come to Paris too, that might be kind of neat. I?ll have to ask Gage if that?s okay first. Anyway, I?m going, because I?m so excited I want to start making phone calls now. Yeah Yeah, I?m getting ahead of myself, but I can?t help it.

HIM- Beautiful


"Beautiful"

Just one look into your eyes
One look and I'm crying
'Cause you're so beautiful

Just one kiss and I'm alive
One kiss and I'm ready to die
'Cause you're so beautiful

Just one touch and I'm on fire
One touch and I'm crying
'Cause you're so beautiful

Just one smile and I'm wild
One smile and I'm ready to die
'Cause you're so beautiful

Oh and you're so beautiful
My darling
Oh you're so beautiful
You're so beautiful
Oh my baby
You're so beautiful
And you're so beautiful
Oh my darling
Oh my baby
And you're so beautiful

I cannot believe I left my journal in Paris! The hotel gave it to Gage, apparently it had gotten knocked under the bed. I don?t know how that happened. Whoops. So I?ve been home for about a week now, Gage got me my journal as quick as possible, he knows how important it is to me. He even promised that he didn?t read it, and I believe him. I was only supposed to stay in Paris for a few weeks tops, but once I was there, we just couldn?t bare to be apart. We decided it was good for me to come back now though because he was gearing up for fashion week and was and is so busy that we really wouldn?t get to see one another at all. I have to say though; those three months in Paris were the best three months of my life.


Gage and I couldn?t be together every day, some days my scent was just too overwhelming to him and some days he just didn?t have the fight in him to behave, so when things got rough, I went out and did a little shopping and I even ended up touring Europe, I got to see so many amazing cities! Gage made sure I was always busy and having fun and that I was occupied if I was not with him. I felt like such a star there, I got the total rock star treatment because Gage?s name was on all the credit cards. Pretty awesome. It sounds like I only care about the material stuff, but that?s not true at all, even if I did come back with practically an entire new wardrobe. It was amazing just being there with him, getting to see him so much and just get to know him, see what he does for work, meet his agent and the all those photographers and artists. It was the coolest experience to get a behind the scenes look at how the modeling world works. Gage and I even took some amazing portraits together, I got my hair and makeup done and then we took some really romantic yet kind of risqu? black and white photos. I?m too short to be a model of course, but I sure felt like one. Everyone there kept calling me Shorty because I?m so small next to Gage, but I didn?t mind, I like that he is so tall and manly, makes me feel very protected, especially when I?m all wrapped up in his arms.


Speaking of which, there was a lot of being wrapped up in his arms. Of course we can?t be together every night in a physical sense like most couples, but when we are together, man does he make it count! I swear that guy makes me head spin with the moves he has, he sure does know how to keep a girl happy. One night he got a little too rough and started to loose himself to his dark side, but we got through it and it was okay. Really scared him, he was so angry with himself for almost loosing it with me, he?s afraid he would have hurt me badly. I got a few really bad bruises, but other than that I was fine, I trust Gage and I understand the consequences of being with someone like him. I know I am at risk, but I think I am more at risk without him. I cannot be without him, not now. I think it was really good though that, that happened. He was super leery of me for a few days and tried to distance himself, but finally he realized that he did have the strength to control himself and he came back around. We didn?t tempt his dark side too much, when enough was enough he?d stop and leave, but I?m glad that we kept trying to be together.


I could probably write for days about everything that we did and everything that was said. It was so amazing, just what we needed. As much as everyone is afraid of Gage and said that he?d never settle down, I really feel like we have something special. I am his one. He even let me know that, that I was the girl he wanted, he didn?t have the need or want to be with anyone else. He wants to only be with me and he wants to make this work. It?s hard being long distance most of the time but we will work through it and I?ll go there as much as possible to see him. I have to admit I miss him so much right now though, I still have a few fading bruises from him being a little rough, but that?s just part of him, he?s so big and so strong and so dominated by his other side that it will always come out a little bit, at least when things get so? primal. I probably sound insane, but I cherish each bruise. None of them were made on purpose or out of anger, just two people who are totally crazy about one another. It?s going to be hard to get through the next few months, but we?re thinking that I?ll spend Christmas in Paris. I?m hoping he can come in for Halloween though, it just won?t be the same without him, he has to be here to scare everyone and it?s Haley?s first Halloween, so I?m sure Rhy and Dean will be doing something extra special, this is their favorite time of year anyway. I?ll have to call him and see if we can arrange that. Anyway, I?m going to take a soak in the tub. So glad I have my journal back!