One of these days, I'm gonna go home and meet Fate.

That one and the same thought always comes to me at least once each day. Understanding that everybody has their own secrets is one thing, which I suppose is why nobody's asked me why I'm no longer serving as a member of the Schian'tlo Defence Force. For the most part, this is relieving. For all I know, anyone who hears mention of my being on medically-induced retirement from the military thinks that my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is the underlying condition that forced me away from it. They wouldn't be completely wrong for thinking this. No sir, they wouldn't be. Why don't they try having to make a split-second decision between following their commanding officer's orders to destroy an enemy's entire village - men, women, and children included - and taking the risk of court marshal on the grounds of treason to spare the children's lives?

In the end, I ended up following orders and led my entire platoon in taking that village out...along with the next three.

For a moment, when I first stepped inside of that bar after abandoning it for so long, I forgot about my actual diagnosis which had about landed me in the hospital countless times before the conclusion of the Shaabti War. There were many new faces with a few familiar faces mingled within. Although the blue dragon has been around since before I went off, I never did learn its name beforehand. Same with the other regulars, human and not human. Whilst on this subject of humans, it should really be mentioned that I remember taking a vow to maintain the romantic solitude of a nun for the duration of my existence. My lesson was learnt after the train wreck of a marriage ended with the death of the man I had meant to divorce. The papers had been drawn up because he had felt it satisfactory to commit adultery with another.

Well, damn. You can say that vow may or may not have gone out the window...or pretty close to it, anyways. That part still needs figuring out.

Alas, the Inn appears to take on a lighter atmosphere as of late. Fights don't transpire everyday like they used to. Peaceful is what it's mostly become; here's to hoping that it stays that way. Many people are sociable now. As much as I like it, it's not exactly something that I'm used to. Friendly-looking people greet me with a nod and a smile. Did I mention that I'm not used to that either?

All of this was overwhelming to me. It was almost as if somebody took a coin and flipped it over without warning. Personalities and moods changed without warning. Oh Fate, how can I ever handle such drastic changes? From slaying the enemy and their camps to watching my own comrades eat their guns and poison their own drinks, I was about ready to become one more soldier who did the same. Almost.

Who would've ever thought that a smile and a wave from two such individuals not one, but two nights in a row, could force me to reconsider the irreversible decision that I had made and been on the verge of carrying out? When I'd sat inside of room number seventy at the end of my second night, every option was weighed in my mind. Joining those options were the images, images of those who had showed themselves friendly in at least one way or another. Even if they and I never spoke...

...just why in the Hell could I not remove their smiling faces from my mind?! Bloody Fate!

Those smiling faces had names attached to them, Mark and Billie. Siblings, I remember the older brother telling me at the bar that night. Eavesdropping isn't a favourite pastime of mine, but it's afforded me some of the knowledge that they're part of a group of travellers. To be honest, I didn't even think that nomads existed anymore. How quickly I forget, however, that I'm on the other side of the sea. Apparently, nomads are fairly common here.

To be honest, a lot of self-reflections seem to be repaving the path that should have been paved clearly from the very beginning. Rather than have a few drinks of that favoured red berry wine and allowing my tipsy self to kiss Mark's cheek in front of others, I should have been busying myself with the one goal I finally accomplished last night: finding a place to call home. With Schian'tlo no longer having the "homey" atmosphere that it used to have meant a necessary relocation, and Rhy'din has felt like the true meaning of what a home should be since I first set foot on its soil seven years ago. I am forever in Andu Krost's debt for offering me an apartment which meets my basic needs. A roof over my head, a secure enough place to sleep, and a place to eat comfortably is all I require. Everything else? That's something for me to take care of myself.

There are other things for me to take care of as well, and I can't be having thoughts of the very first person to welcome me with a smile, occupying my mind so often. All of my belongings have safely arrived from the village, and I was able to settle in quickly. My guardian has been wisely emptying out my bank accounts in increments and sending cheques over to me with certain amounts on them. All I need to do now is deposit them into a new localised account here in Rhy'din, and I'll be able to afford the house that I've always wanted to live in.

Damnit! Why can't I get him off of my mind?!

Saving me from a drugged pint of Lager and handing him a knife that my priest blessed for the sake of safety shouldn't be purposed to anything more than a friendship! Oi...I'm screwed if Rhy'din's government refuses to acknowledge my status as divorced, because this would be considered adultery in the S.D.F.

Weekends are called weekends for a reason. The end of one week brings the start of the next week, but I wonder how many people realise that the beginning of a week is also an end of a week. It's just a new end whilst the conclusion of that week is the old end. As I know it, I ended up going to the opening night of Rhy'din's Citizen's Carnival at the docks. With Andu's imposed restrictions, that is.

Traveling by portal or by transport still takes some getting used to. At least the bright lights aren't so startling anymore. I just have to shut my eyes is all. Maybe I'll be able to open one eye next time. Maybe next time, I'll be ROR'ed - released on my own recognisance. Yeah...no. Not yet.

Alcohol is also a taboo, but I was told to not worry about that. When I was in Andu's company, someone named Nova was also in our company. She seems really nice. This carnival, though...there are so many things to do here. Some distance away is a giant wheel, a Ferris wheel. I've never been on one of those before...has anyone looked down, or around, from their seat once they reach the very top and seen all of Rhy'din? Maybe they can see beyond the city and look at mountains in the distance, the entire body of seas and the ocean for as far as their eyes can see, and be at eye level with some of the birds that soar the skies. What a beautiful sight that must be.

Nova wanted to play a game nearby, a dart game. It looked like a lot of fun! Although the darts weren't nearly as sharp-tipped as my arrows, I dealt with that. Paying earns you three darts, of which you have your chance of popping as many balloons as you can with said darts. Ridiculous as the prices are (they tend to be extravagant at places like this), this is a chance to do some target practise. Hell, this is the closest that I'll ever get to being armed since my sword and archery set were still locked away. Thanks, Andu.

Admittedly, I found the game too easy and walked away from it with two giant stuffed animals: a pink and black panda, and a black cat. We were about to go onto the Ferris wheel when three kittens suddenly popped out of the minotaur's pocket! According to my "teacher" (jailor), these three kittens are under the same restrictions as I am, but only because they're really young. They also have to be supervised. Just look at those little balls of fluff, their growing whiskers, and their innocent faces...yes, those cute little faces...and...oh my Fate, these things are growing on me. I'm already becoming attached to them.

Rosie is the name of one of the three little fluffers. The other two are her siblings, and all three of them wear matching shirts that read, "I'm a big sister!" Rosie appears to be the dancer of the three, having stepped onto my open hand after sniffing it and demonstrating some kind of dance. How can anybody not like cats? These ones, especially the kittens, are just too adorable to not be nice to. Really. Just look at them!

I really wish that I wasn't too tired to stay at the carnival, but it wiped me out rather quickly. Alas, the fun came to an end before it could truly begin; I had PT in the morning...that took its emotional toll on me. That much was obvious when I found myself arriving at the Inn tonight. Much thinking had led to the conclusion that something I had been hoping for, was a bust. Nobody is to blame for this; Fate simply didn't want it to come to pass. Other plans are in mind, I'm sure, but a small part of me aches.

To be honest, I'm a little bit irritated with Andu. Toby had been the one to give me the advice that I still intend to follow the next time an opportunity comes; he has my thanks for it still. It would've been nice to have a continuation of last week's conversation tonight, but "Mr. Guardian" seemed to think otherwise. Why, I dare not even question, lest my doing so prolong my eventual restoration to personal recognisance. I don't want this probation period to last any longer than it has to, thank you very much.

Some wolf-like humanoid found me on the porch with my bottle of water as well. Whoever he is, I hope I didn't offend him by walking away from him. I'm still getting used to talking creatures that aren't human...speaking of inhuman, some creature just appeared out of nowhere over by the hearth! It looks a lot like Chewbacca when he was a kid, all covered in hair. I wonder if it has any eyes, because I can't find them underneath all of that brown mass.

And what do you know, this Chewbacca-like fluff is my new pet! Once again, thanks Andu. Since it doesn't remind me of anything but that character from the movie, guess what I decided to name it? You guessed it - Chewbacca. The only difference between him and this tribble is, the character makes weird noises and eats different things. Chewbacca the tribble purrs when held, has no gender, and eats nothing but straight grains. Son of a flipping bitch, is that going to be fun! Maybe I should pay the library a visit and start reading up on tribbles, now that I've got one of my own to care for.

It would be an outright lie for me to say that physical training isn't kicking my bloody arse. That just might be literal, this time.

Come now, don't think I'm not hearing you out there. "Craycray?" Drawing a weapon doesn't make one crazy. Drawing a weapon in a public establishment doesn't make one crazy either. Worse things have happened. Besides, I only wanted to shut the cube up. I'm not the one who started to talk to a talking cube. Who's the crazy bitch now?

Said "crazy bitch" gave me a box of clothes...and jewellry. Okay. I'll wear that black jacket. It's the closest thing to my typical attire that I'll get as far as civvies are concerned. The rest? They would take some (a lot of) getting used to. I wear my dog tags. That's my jewellry. I wear a cuff around my upper left arm. That's my accessory. I carry dark sunglasses and will sometimes wear a hat. That's my style.

Andu's decided to amp up the physical training. He's waking me up earlier and adding more to the exercises. It's making me want to look forward to various forms of therapy more and more...whatever forms those come in, anyways. Whenever the Katz come around, I feel better. Rosie, Mayflower, and Wander seem to really like me. Not only do they come up to me and let me pet them, they turn me into their human tree and climb me without reserve, making a bed out of the top of my head. Fun, right?

Kittens and Stars End Bar. Now there was something to talk about at night. Whenever Toby's at the bar, I drop everything and run. Why? Well, he does give good advice. He also appears to have a soft side to his personality; maybe his being married and a father has something to do with that. He's certainly likable. He listens, not that Andu doesn't. Toby's way with words just rings to something.

Why do I only see Mark when I'm in a foul mood lately? Nice to see you too, man! It's only been a month is all...let me drink those snakebites with you, sure. What a great time. I'm feeling all good and tipsy, just flipping dandy. So, my drunken self wanted to kiss you. Again. What the Hell did you put in our drinks? Sober me would never think to just steal a kiss to your cheek like last night.

Now I'm freaking hungover at Toby's bar...

...somebody please save me.

Word has it that my guardian is searching for me. Only one word comes to my mind:

F___!

He must've found out that I have no intention of leaving Rhy'din again, and of my trouble with a few locals, or else he wouldn't have sent me a sign that he himself was coming to Rhy'din.

In other words, he's going to find me, make sure my vitals are still good, likely lecture me on my drinking. He knows that's the only reason I'd get myself into trouble is if I was drinking (again).

This is where I start saying my Fate Lines, Our Fatelands of Salvation, every prayer that my priest has ever taught me! Pray to Fate for dear life that Shourim doesn't decide to do more than half-kill me!

Yes, I am most assuredly afraid of that man when he announces a search for me. Why? Because that means he's pissed...

Yesterday, I was able to get out of bed and do some jogging for some time. Shourim wants to visit tomorrow since he missed his opportunity to speak in length with Andu about my health. Or was it Toby? At the moment, I slack.

It was Toby he wanted, and still wants to, speak with. Damnit. Father had might as well admit to carrying around an obsession with the friendly bartender.

That'll happen. (Not.)

After jogging around and getting out more often, it was determined that I'm once again fit to resume physical training with Andu. Is it weird that I find myself missing this? It's because it was something to do. Now that physical training has picked up again, a diet adjustment has also been made. That means eating more meat and including more iron and protein with each meal. Father believes that, within a few months, he may be able to begin a slight reduction of my regular iron pill dosage.

He didn't have to slap me across my face, though, that bastard! What in Fate?! It wasn't hard enough, for I don't see any red marks on my face where I was slapped. There may have been witnesses...no, there were witnesses. Father had slapped me because I had expressed my disagreement with him.

Rewind to earlier in the day. Earlier yesterday, I stepped inside of a salon that I had passed by multiple times during my jogs. Strange that it might be, I was just in that mood where I decided it was time to change something about my looks. Of that ended up being my hair; several centimetres were cut off, bubblegum pink hair layered. Having hair cut from halfway down my hips to my waist feels weird, almost naked.

Once I'm used to having my hair this short, another trip will be made to that salon. People sometimes dye their hair, right? I see nothing wrong with having the bottom tips of my hair dyed black. My parents had black hair, after all...

...now...about what lies beneath the cuff on the upper left arm...that is one vicious demon that's truly going to be more difficult to overcome than any other. Even more difficult than that of those poor children I had obeyed the orders to eliminate like the lifeless targets that my commanding officer had perceived them as.

How am I not having more nightmares than this?

Dear Fate,

My mind doth wander to places unknown as of late. Whenever one thing is supposed to be done, another crosses the front of my mind as a dancing baboon and sends me astray. Enough sleep or not, everyday has sent me into a daze. This has transpired for the last few days. Why?

Perhaps I'm about to answer my question. However, another one now comes to mind that has nothing to do with this daze. Eyes and ears, dear Fate, eyes and ears. I sat on the porch swing with company at this time. What point does spreading literal eyes and ears from whoever, or whatever, serve? My task had been to guard Mayflower inside the Inn, so I hid her behind the bar with me in the event of somebody trying to come in for an attack. Had Gaia not allowed me to use my weapons during this time last night, I would have been royally screwed.

Sitting my kit next to me provided comfort in knowing that I would not be defenceless in guarding this little one. Thank you, Fate, for looking upon me with favour last night. I wouldn't have known what else to use as a weapon, and poor Mayflower was petrified. The poor Kitton...I didn't know what else to do, what to say. Comforting others isn't my strong point. Killing others is, and I wanted to be out there...but who would have guarded Mayflower otherwise?

Before I was sent inside, there was a cloaked figure spreading these things around. Surveillance or bomb devices, I wouldn't know. Fate, my Divine, is there going to be another war? Will I take up arms once more and shed my new skin?

I shouldn't fear, Fate, my Divine...but I do. I like this new life that I'm adjusting to, and I don't want to abandon it. There is a wonderful group with whom I consider a family, those I am now protective of. To lose a single one of them in any way, I don't want to think about the aftermath.

Please protect them better than I'm able to, Divine Fate.

Amen.

My salutations to you:

(Reiko draws a single line through the first line and continues writing.)

I've never been any good at writing letters to anybody, even during my childhood. Sitting down now to try composing this letter is leading to a giant blank. A question mark occupies my mind in place of words. Oh joy. So, here I am adding to my personal journal instead. I guess I went really overboard with the Bacardi. Gee, I hope I can get something down with this hangover I'm nursing.

(Shutting her journal, the woman now neatly removes a clean sheet of paper from her notebook and tries again at composing a letter. It takes three tries, but at last she finds the motivation to get going.)

Dear Bond;

Days are getting shorter, the nights longer. Meanwhile, a constant is maintained in that my happiness of late is without question. Beneath the surface is a heart that beats like most others in existence. That is no different from any other day. The reason for it is.

I have only been a permanent resident of Rhy'din for three months, and I have met many whom I can gladly call family: brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews, friends from different walks of life. I couldn't be more thankful for all of you. Each of you bring a smile to my face in your own way; whilst this doesn't fill the hole that lingers with the simultaneous deaths of my parents, it doesn't cause my gratefulness to waver any.

At the risk of further beating around the bush for this letter's purpose, I won't prolong any further. You are a great joy to be around; my heart flutters like a butterfly whenever we meet. I'm honoured and humbled to be observing my first Thanksgiving holiday with you and the rest of the Katz family.

From this point forward, I want to know you better. If I appear to shy away or move too froward, then it isn't intentional. I want to know you more and hope that the feeling is mutual on at least some scale. I care about you in more ways than one.

Sincerely,


(As of now, the letter sits in a sealed envelope. A brown turkey-shaped seal covers the bottom flap of the envelope. It hasn't been delivered yet because Reiko doesn't know of the right timing or the place for it because she doesn't want to rush things. Perhaps when it's closer to Christmas, she'll do this. Until then, the letter remains in a location that she considers secret.)

Mischief. It's a form of behaviour and can be quite fun. Ah, but that's just putting it lightly with what I like to do. Or rather, what I enjoyed doing. I never realised that I would come to enjoy using the word "quiet" so much. Any word, I just didn't think there would be enjoyment in using. When it comes to the Rhy'din locals, they sure are superstitious! People cringe and frown at the mention of it. They don't even speak the word, lest they fear some form of chaos. It's best known as "the 'q' word."

Could anything be done to reverse this? I would be a fool to even entertain the thought of changing settled minds. It would be like trying to talk me out of wanting to see my parents again. Harsh that they had been to me, that's exactly why I want to see them again. I want them to hear my anguish as I unleash twenty years of stored-up pain. Anger at the physical aspect, grief at having been abandoned...everything.

I really do have this sneaking suspicion that I'm being watched by Gaia. A tiny light and a lens at the upper corner of each room isn't just there to grace it with decorative pieces. That light just have to belong to a camera. I'm being watched, for sure...no paranoia attached. I'll try to talk to Andu about it sometime.

Right now, there are bigger problems on my hands. Something about chocolate and caffeine...I might have had too much of it. Okay, so I definitely had too much of it. How do I know? For starters, I have no recollection of Friday apart from what I saw on the video that Gaia played when I woke up yesterday morning. Those brownies and hot chocolate, though...that sale at the Tomes was so irresistible! Those snowflakes had to get done as well...well, now I have a quarter short of a thousand ready to be painted. I think there will be more than enough for every orphan, including those at the West End. Especially those in the West End.

The "talk" really didn't go as planned...really? A journal?! I have to keep a bloody journal of everything I'm eating and tempted to eat before I eat, and the reason for it?! Hell no! That hunger strike could last me an easy nineteen days.

After writing this much, Reiko stands from her chair and moves away from her desk. On a wall above her desk is a large dartboard, and a ten-dart set sits at one corner of her desk. Those darts are retrieved, and she steps far back from her desk. Target practise! Reiko aims for one number at a time and throws. Once she runs out of darts, she lays on her bed and bursts into tears. Chewbacca comes to the crying woman and comforts her, purring and nuzzling her. He eventually serves as her neckliner and warms her up as she falls asleep, where he then curls up on her chest where her heart is.

Two hours later, Reiko wakes up and resumes writing. This time, she opts for writing from her bed instead of her desk. It should be noted at this point that the woman is indeed on a hunger strike and hasn't eaten anything since Andu handed her the journal. Reiko is opting to not eat until her 'Big Brother' either stops the journal-keeping or the year ends, whichever comes first. This is a dangerous game that she's playing, remembering her anaemia. Taking extra iron pills to compensate did the lack of food wouldn't do nary a thing to provide the nutrition that she needs. Water is all that she was going to drink.

Andu, Ember, and I decided to go to the Yule Ball together, although none of us actually had dates at the time. Well, once I was done humming peanuts at Andu from the rafters and then vomiting from the anxiety I experienced about whether I would see Bond or not. Icer ended up braving the Stew in the kitchen...and ate some! How?! I don't even want to know...

...I'm just grateful that my night got better. Dare I say it? Holy bloody chaos of Fate! That crowd...I'm not exactly tall like some of the locals here are. I'm just two clicks over a metre and a half in height and standing against a wall that had many people nearby. How I was found so easily and my arm raised visible around these tall people, I don't know. It must be a special talent of Bond's.

So, we danced. None of us expected Buster to stow away somewhere and go after the food, though! Oh Buster...I do hope that your black hole of an appetite will shrink soon. I worry for the day where you'll one day expand to be three times the size of your siblings. We can't have that, now can we?

My heart fluttered at the words spoken in conversation. I meant every word that was spoken and truly believe that Bond did as well. He has my appreciation, and my heart, in spades. Warmth fills me at the very thought.

My thoughts, and my emotions, need to be in better check. Then again, what happened after would have been avoided if not for my somehow losing my late mother's hair clip. I really don't know how it managed to slip free of my partial braided fishtail without me noticing. It was clipped rather securely over my hair elastic, or so I thought. Wrong. With help from Moneypenny and Andu searching the floor by the buffet table, I was reunited with it. My rubies on white gold bracelet is no longer alone either.

Right. My thoughts and my emotions; that's where I was going with this. All I wanted to do was show that I could move two napkins! That didn't go as planned; the entire stack flew off of the table and scattered onto the floor. Worse, the Governor saw and watched me embarrass myself further when I got upset and apologised. All of this tired me right out to where I ended up falling asleep on the floor. My last memory of that night? Governor talking to me about my telekinesis and making sure I got back to Gaia safely.

Why do I keep on getting into one thing or another? I don't like this, not when it's bad or just negative altogether. Two days after Hope Jubal questioned me about someone starting fires, I found the person I was questioned about at the Inn and prayed so silently to Fate that she wouldn't tell anybody about the gun magazine that someone had given to me. Hey, I like those plastic guns that can fold up like a wallet, all right? Plastic guns with plastic bullets aren't designed to be lethal, and I can shoot them at my dartboard whenever I need a break from throwing my darts.

I already know where my buying that gun would go, though: lockup, along with my other weapons. Any day would be nice for getting those back, by the way, where I can keep them in my own lockup on a high shelf.

At this point, Reiko is shaking her head and her writing hand is starting to get sore. This is the longest she's sat down to write, but that's because she hasn't been at Gaia for days. She is actually writing this lengthy entry from the Palazzo Estate, where Chewbacca has been keeping the woman in very good company since she retrieved him. Now at her second time rising, this becomes Reiko's second time going to her bed and curling up to cry herself to sleep with her tribble by her side as well. The rest of this entry is written after she wakes up a few hours later.

On a more positive note, Shourim nearly ripping me a new one for my hunger strike aside, I woke up from my lengthy nap on time to catch word of a wedding. I'd been formally invited to witness Rachael's and Ian's wedding. We've barely seen each other before then, but I was asked to stand behind the bar that night. What a pleasant surprise to have teamed up with a former bartender! Taking this as an opportunity to learn more about my upcoming promotion, I welcomed it. It felt wonderful to present the wedding cake as a gift to the newlyweds after I spent the entire ceremony crying.

My silent tears were full of mixed emotions. Happiness should always have room in them, and there was. I've not witnessed a wedding in Rhy'din before and was pleasantly surprised to find that it wasn't really different from the traditional American ceremony on Terra. Seriously, what a relief. It would have been more than a little bit embarrassing to have to ask some fast questions about etiquette in new traditions, just minutes before the ceremony. On that note, I masked embarrassment over my tears for another reason: I had gotten married at the Inn six and a half years ago. Dear Fate, I pray for Rachael and Ian to have a far better marriage than Shade and I did. That my last name hasn't been Hellfire since 2010 should tell anyone who remembers that day how my marriage went...alas, I shall have to present the newlywed couple with a more proper gift to accompany the cake and the topper with the first letter of their last name on top.

I wish I could freeze time, or at least slow it down drastically, to enjoy the chance of celebrating Rachael and Ian longer. It's impossible. I know this. There's no interrupting the flow of time just to grant a wish. I get it. Can't I dream, though? Come on...I wouldn't have fainted whilst drinking Carnivore Soda, Falcon and Anya wouldn't have had to tend to me on a chair by the hearth, and I wouldn't have been practically force-fed iron supplements and sustaining food.

It went to the sun, Fate! Since yesterday, I really don't think Andu has been the same. He barely talks to me. He barely acknowledges me these days. Was my personal crime, so to speak, so heinous against him that I deserve such a punishment? Apparently so, if my sarcasm led to him getting pissed with me. It was either calm sarcasm laced with annoyance, or somebody gets punched out once I recovered my strength. I took to the former...and now I'm writing this lengthy entry from the Palazzo Estate.

I had to get away. I needed to. But, I still attended my lesson with Toby and do my exercises. Even if I wanted to - and believe me, I don't - there's no getting out of them here. After the lesson with Toby...HELL NO! I'd rather watch paint dry than even think about skipping anymore exercises, or try demonstrating my telekinesis again! What the Hell!

Did he really have to move that napkin like a butterfly?! Ugh!!! Thanks for the nightmares of butterflies disintegrating in front of me!!! That's all I really needed...only now I'm having dreams of a different sort as well. Bloody Hell! I'd had these dreams before on occasion, though...I barely dream. Or, I barely remember any of the dreams that I have. I'm pretty sure I've seen this before...

"Two feet are walking through a forest. That's all I see. My feet; they're my feet. From the looks of them, I'm seven years old and have been walking through this dense forest for some time. These feet are barefoot; they're all I can see up to my knees with an obvious white cotton nightgown to adorn.

"Zooming out reveals that I am scared, and I am shivering. Both of my arms are crossed. I look like I am lost. To be honest, I feel very lost right now just from seeing this. Why? Why am I seeing this? There surely must be a reason for it.

"Next, I am standing before a tree. My hand reaches out to touch the trunk at eye level and makes contact with sap. It's just finished raining before this walk even began, so the sap is especially slick. My white feet look even whiter with the fresh mud coating the toes and the bottoms, yet I see no end to this walk just yet.

"Suddenly, a leaf floats down in front of me. I've held this leaf before, for sure. It's examined closely as I hold it in my left hand. A wind kicks up then, taking it from my hand. Wanting to relive the pleasant familiarity of the leaf, I begin to give chase. You would think that I would be exhausted after walking for a few hours already; however, I feel afresh with new energy whenever I stop and then continue. This leaf is worth giving chase to.

"Time is irrelevant here. Distance is equally irrelevant, for I have no concept of how much I've travelled into this forest already. I just want my leaf back...but wait, it's stopped moving. In fact, it falls to the ground in front of a pair of feet that wear traditional black boots. The owner of these feet simply stands there, watching. I hesitate. Dare I pick my leaf up?

"A single hand gesture invites me to step forward, but without a voice. It's as if the very thoughts of my mind have opened up like a book. I know of no way to explain this, but I take slow steps forward until I'm close enough to retrieve the odd treasure. Before I can step back or continue, the same hand straightens vertically to tell me to be still.

"I still myself.

"A second gesture is made, but not to me, it seems. Suddenly, a flurry of leaves not covered in mud from the earlier rain start to lift from the ground as if they've developed minds of their own. But, this isn't their doing. This strangely silent person standing in front of me is doing this. That 'come hither' gesture with a single finger has done this, and now I watch as these leaves begin to spin around us rapidly. My own leaf, I press close to me for fear of it becoming part of the spiral. Faster and faster it goes...faster and faster it forms into a tornado. Soon, I'm trying to grip at the mud with my toes to keep myself steady.

"Suddenly, fingers snap, and the leaves seem to vanish from view. But wait, there's now a bunch of fine powder on the ground. What has happened to these leaves? I look around quickly, my heart beating faster as I try to make sense of what has happened. Something has happened, but not to the leaves alone. Parts of the trees around us now have little holes in them as well. What caused that?!

"My head turns back to the person standing in front of me, only I'm now staring at an undamaged tree behind the place where the boot-wearing person once stood. Where have they gone?! My heart is now beating even quicker as I search around me. The search is short-lived, as there is now a whisper from directly behind me:

"'Next time, that could be you in the hands of the wrong person.'"

I awakened this morning with screams of utter terror and have been afraid since. This is the third time I've had this dream.

The same question flows through every channel of my mind like a constant: "What has happened?" What a good question that is. What has happened? As far as I'm aware, nobody got hurt. No bitter feelings are harboured either.

Why did I accept the anonymous invitation to watch the duels at the Annex, anyways? Oh, that's right...I thought I could handle it. No, no, and no. I was so afraid that I had forgotten to dismiss my pair of penguins right away. This is no place for them to be. They don't need to be seeing these duels after they spent Fate knows how long in captivity. Well, they're away now.

Sitting down was required. Even then, the chair felt me shaking like a leaf. Maybe it was worse? No way I could tell. My feet were moving from the chair to the back of the bar as if they had developed individual minds. Fortunately, Brother prepared tea. Fate knows I really needed it with the wreck I was.

So, what happened next? Something, possibly something, within appeared to snap. Possibly like a cord snapping, out of this mouth came the issuance of a challenge. It sounded better when it was just a thought, really. Punch someone who wanted "to scrap" when I looked like I was about to be eaten up and digested by a grizzly? Not the smartest idea ever, but I'm still writing...I'm breathing.

At this time, it should be noted that the woman has barely slept a wink. Nightmares and flashbacks resembling one of her worst inner demons have refused to leave her alone to where she is ready to beg for quarantine, if she doesn't put herself there first. Reiko has thrown the card which contains the invitation in front of the "office" where her last "conference" with Andu had transpired at; he's free to investigate further if he must. She doesn't want to see that invitation again because, as far as she's concerned, it's now a done deal. She's satisfied whoever it was that gave it to her to begin with.

Ordinarily, Reiko would be preparing for her nightly visit to the Inn at this time. Not today. Instead, she's giving strong consideration to paying Stars End Bar a visit. If not there to throw darts in peace, then she just might traverse to Dragontopia. Anywhere that she might go, she wants to avoid a crowd. She may enjoy providing service to crowds at the Inn, as she did last night, but she can't do this all the time.

A greeting might be sent to Amber tonight, but that is all. Of utter importance is casting the ugly memories of her past aside, or outright away. For now, the woman is taking Chewy with her on an excursion outside. To do what, one may ask? For the curious-minded, Reiko is taking quite a bit of her wood and carving supplies with her to a remote location outside until she's able to decide which indoor location she'll be venturing to. Her journal entry appears to be incomplete, but it in fact is quite complete.

Finding time to write has been so difficult lately. Not a single word has been written down between the previous entry because of the amount of time that's been spent in training. So, where have I been lately? Here...there...near...far...in short. There's far more than that.

Life at Gaia has just become so crowded lately. By crowded, that would be about two hundred stronger. That's a little bit much for this one here, so a tough decision had to be made on whether to stay or not. As of Friday, the latter was decided upon. Chewy, my stuff, and I have relocated to the Palazzo Estate. I have a bedroom to call my own there, people who are helping me learn how to make more than sandwiches and simple drinks, and basic accommodations for my health.

Good-bye, apartment at Gaia. You were my first real home in Rhy'din, and Big Brother was the first real "landlord" of sorts.

Oh, why am I making it sound like I've moved too far away from civilisation when I'll still be able to see everyone at the Inn? That's right...it's because Little Brother up and left me behind with a letter instead of a face-to-face good-bye! That bastard! When he gets back is when I'll be looking to have a talk with him about what he's going to do next, provided he even remembers me...and then I'll happily request a duel or two with him in swords to take out my anger on him for taking the coward's way out. Really, leaving me with a letter! Why!

Duelling is one way that I pass the time. Carrying my Katana on me is something that I've really missed doing. See, I can wield my weapon without suddenly swinging it around like a madwoman. Yet after showing that I can control myself and not resort to physical violence, Big Brother tells me that I'm still considered a danger to myself and others whenever I get angry. Sorry, Andu ? not this time. Those days have been over and done with since I started to discover what it is that I've been missing from my life.

A purpose to live; not just this flaky thing, either.

I used to spend much of my years fighting: fighting to destroy, fighting to kill, fighting to protect. That last part, I didn't do so much of. Now...it was different. I'm free from the obligation of taking to the front lines to give harrowing orders that I received. It's because I miss being able to wield a weapon without consequence that I've decided to take up sword fighting.

Standing in the ring...right. Blood still happens, regardless of who draws it. My poor reactions to the sight of it is what prompted some action within the first week. Big Brother, I'm forever in your debt for providing me with the pink armoured jacket and tinted lenses. No more will my own blood be drawn so easily (unless one of my future opponents is that intent on inflicting serious harm to me that would only be healed anyways). No longer will I have to worry about losing my day's meals over the sight of someone else's blood!

There's one other matter. Most of the fights are in the Annex. The majority of my duels must be fought in the same place that triggers flashbacks and nightmares. Losing control of telepathy because of said mental reactions seems to be fixed now. The black floral headband has been doing wonders, but when I sleep? Well, that headband can't stay on when I'm asleep.

When the nightmares are at their worst, or focusing just won't happen, the Inn was the place to go. It still is sometimes, but now there are individuals who are right there when I need a shoulder to cry on or that familial presence to just sit with me.

Oh Bond, whatever will be done about those dreams..? Can anything be done about those particular dreams that trigger cat-like responses? Meows and purrs, the occasional craving for milk and fish; what a good thing it hasn't gone any further than that! Thanks to dear cousin Johann, however, I'm now doing daily inspections of my face to make sure there aren't any whiskers starting to grow. There doesn't appear to be any fur growing anywhere either.

"It looks like your desire to be with Bond could be triggering these reactions," or something of the sort was said. There's no way to be sure because I was too busy acting like a cat and trying to make heads and tails of this. Something has got to be done about this...before anyone knows it, sleep will no longer be quiet. The entire mansion will probably start hearing the weirdest and most high-pitched meowing sounds coming from my room.

Yup, I can see it already. Someone will pass by my bedroom, hear the meows coming from within, and keep walking with this odd expression on their face. It's either that, or they'll hear the noises from the other side of the door and start knocking on it with the hope of shutting me (or my subconscious self) up. Maybe someone would even go as far as foregoing both of those options and walk right in to silence the source of those sounds. A pillow over my face, a sock in my mouth, or simply flip me over on my stomach to muffle the sounds. Or, perhaps whack me with a pan to knock it (and me) our completely...or cast a blasphemous magic spell! Ugh, no...I can actually see Antonio himself wanting to put a pillow over my face.

Start investing in earplugs, Palazzo Estate!

I deserve a freaking medal.

Within the last three weeks, I've returned to my home planet, visited my extremely dangerous hometown, sold my parents' home (with a very heavy heart at first, that is, but also with tremendous relief that the thugs had left it alone), donated most of said parents' belongings to charities, and somehow managed to survive a visit with both my priest and my guardian in the same room. Such is worded in that fashion due to one fine little detail that just happened to "drop" like a nickel from a pocket. I've been magically inclined since I was a little girl. Yeah...that. Me, a little sorceress.

Um.

What.

The.

Feck?!

I'm still trying to wrap my head about the "how," but some of the things make more sense now. Just a couple of days ago, I was able to stand a rose in one hand and hand it to somebody. Mind you, this was something that I had imagined. Imaginations can run wild and wreak havoc...but this. What I thought was telepathy was a combination of that and my Fae-fused genes.

By the way, very little of this makes any sense!

Enough about the one thing that makes my head want to implode. In other news, my uncle is apparently somewhere out there searching for me. Problem: nobody knows where he is anymore. Ever since he retired from the United States Marine Corp. a few years back, he's dropped off of the family radar. Shourim has no idea of where, or how, to find my dear Salem-Ojikuno.

Sigh. I really, really miss my Bond...

At this time, Reiko has resettled herself into her bedroom at the Palazzo Estate. Her lengthy trip back to her home planet has done many a things towards her mental stature, such as setting free many of the heavy weights and burdens regarding her late parents that she's been carrying on her all this time. Upon her return from the Terran Earth is a huge stack of gifts for everybody. By everybody, Reiko made sure to include everybody that she knows in her Heart-Family that she's been part of for nine months now. That's a lot of presents!

Most surprising of all is the hairstyle that she's sporting these days. Reiko's hair is short, really short. Bubblegum pink is still the dominating colour (because it's natural like her other unnatural features), but now black is starting to come from the roots. Don't worry, though. This woman isn't about to abandon her ability for being fantastically obnoxious when it comes to cheering for her friends and family. Quacking is here to stay - permanently.

"Ain't nobody gonna take that away from me."

Gift of Freedom
Give to me the freedom unlike anything I've ever tasted before in my life.

Sweeter than honey, I desire it.

Does one suppose me to have lost my mind? As easy as it is to assume it, I think not ? those words had become a critical part of the first prayer for my lips to utter forth after the first encounter with my priest. I question not what he saw in me when we first met at camp in St. Thomas; reasons aren't always required. The tent I sat in then had been occupied by none other; my immediate subordinates were at lunch just a short distance away whilst I hung back to analyse our next skirmish.

The lengthy interruption by this man of perceived great wisdom had been worth it. As I think back on the memories of the war and redirect my mind towards better things, this is still one of the fonder and pleasant of memories I hold onto today. Staring out the window adjacent to my bed as I lay at conscious rest brings me to the realisation of just how much my perspective of life has changed. Instead of identifying my dead comrades alongside the dead civilians and seeing no end to the bloodshed and perpetual storm, I see hope for a positive change. I wake up every morning to a better tomorrow instead of opening my eyes with the bittersweet relief that I've survived another day.

Of those I've gotten to know during this past year, there are a number of whom I'll only be too happy to sever any and all associations with very soon. They have become very toxic that for my peace of mind, any bond between them and myself must be cut. I must be the one to cut the ties myself.

The rest? Some serve to be strengthened in spades. Others are perfect the way they are; I don't want to touch those.

Sorry, Mach...you're unfortunate enough to not have your little head sitting on the chopping block just yet.

With her head undoubtedly screwed on tight enough, Reiko pulls her notebook over to her and starts writing a letter. Its intended recipient might find it surprising that the woman is writing them at all, but there's a favour she feels the need to have done as soon as possible. Said letter is lengthy enough that it might take the reader several minutes to read it.

Let the record indicate that I accepted the presence and role of sorcery in my life for all eternity months ago.

Accepting that fact doesn't mean that I'll just let any random being come up to me and use their sorcery on me. Yes, that actually happened last week. That purple-haired woman spooked me from behind and then touched my shoulder with one hand. When I asked what she was doing, she simply stated that I "needed to calm down." After that? It was lights out for me. I didn't wake up until halfway through the following morning, and I found myself in Arcadia with Bond. Big Brother had brought me back.

The next time somebody uses their sorcery on me without my permission, I'm going to start hitting pressure points in self-defence. Seriously, leave me the feck alone with that when I'm not in serious need of it.

Now, a moment to digress away from my rant. My life has been saved as a result of sorcery. Two months ago, Eregor and Tenball worked together with Ma Tante, Mon Oncle, and I think Big Brother's strength in sorcery to set me free from the control spell that had been inflicted upon me by Agrylax. I still want to kill that bastard Drow, by the way. Just let me have a few minutes with him so that I can unleash my full fury on him unlike what anybody has ever seen before. I will reserve absolutely nothing of my own strength to see him disintegrate into nothingness. All of the chaos that came about as a result of the spell he put me under...and the violation to my body?!

Nightmares of the latter have been joining the nightmares of the bloodshed of innocent children lately. I still wake up screaming at various hours of different nights. I'm still scared to resume duelling regularly out of fear that a child might be injured, or worse, killed. Maggie, for instance. No, I just can't do it!

Last night, I slept in my bedroom at the Palazzo Estate because of therapy this afternoon. Without Bond by my side, I almost feel physically cold.

And then it happened: my mind's eye opened, detecting the threat of the same to try taking me over again. It could be paranoia setting in, but I can't be careless. When I woke at dawn, I bolted upright on my bed with my arms reaching out for someone to hug and to hold onto for a moment as the tears came. I ran from my bedroom in search for the nearest person to hug with the look of fright on my face, be it Antonio or Anya...or Carlo, even. Somebody on the Estate. I didn't care.

I need heavy-duty sleep medication...

Did anyone wonder of my happenings? Of the last two months, Shourim has only been too happy to put me on the field with him in the hopes of trying to curb my weakness for blood. Bringing me from one place to the next, giving me on-site instruction in medical techniques that hadn't been covered with combat training, and exposing me to scenarios that aren't just found on the battlefield - as I've learned - there are surprises. These people I've assisted Shourim with have no idea! On the front lines, the difference between friend and foe are clearly established by the colour of the uniform (or lack thereof).

Away from the battlefield and in civilian life, however...unless every veteran is a psychic like I am, there's no way to differentiate friend from foe, ally from enemy.

To make it back from the field on time to see Sis Murelle and Father again was just the start of my happiness. All that's transpired had caused me to unintentionally forget that the Yule Ball was happening that Saturday night; well, I couldn't have forgotten entirely. Seeing as I was dressed like one of the "Santa Clause's elves" in a dress-fit of sorts (who even is this Santa Clause creature?) had to say something. With thanks to the Fates, I wasn't dateless the entire night, for Bond had returned from a mission of sorts to join me as well.

My Yule Ball was complete.

No Ball seems to go complete without something occurring, it seems. By that, I'm referring to my big mouth reminding Bond of last year's Ball. Not only was it our first formal dance together as a couple, it was that same night when Buster had stowed himself away in someone's pocket (I think Moneypenny's) and made a sneak attack on the spread table, promptly taking the tablecloth with him in the attempt of climbing up. That didn't happen this time around (disaster averted), although he did succeed in devouring at least half of one of the cakes that someone had brought. Yikes! At least his coordination's improved from last year. The bath to be given wasn't so bad this time around, and I wasn't so quick to want to show off any of my psionic abilities this time around.

Too bad I can't pretend that away.

All in all, this had to be the first incident-free night that I've enjoyed in a long time. What a wonderful way to start off my time away from Shourim's medical boot camp. Sheesh. I swear, he's trying to make me a doctor or something just so that I can stop vomiting and falling back at the sight of blood. (Barely working, by the way.)

Now...to guide this poor soul named Ash to where he needs to go...and I don't mean hiding in the women's restroom with me, either. A piss and vomit-scented room is hardly the place for a getting acquainted conversation.

"Give thanks to the deity for each blessing bestowed upon you; great is she which looks wth favour, and great is the one who is looked upon with grace! For they shalt be rich, their jug running over." ? Rhet 5:01

Fate has looked upon me with favour unlike any other recently, for she has blessed me with the noncoincidential encounter of a life-giving goddess! No, this isn't the first time that Chryrie and I have crossed paths this year. Though my memory might be in a slight haze as to when exactly we did meet, it's perfectly clear as to when she graciously blessed me with good health in return for the gift that I gave her. One week at first, given with a kiss to my forehead, and now a few more.

I must not allow greed to penetrate my mind. When friendship is taken advantage of and reduced to a one-way giving is where I draw the line. In truth, I feel so unworthy of such blessings. Yet I will not complain or be ungrateful. Never look a gift horse in its mouth. What benefit is there from doing so anyways?

Oh Fate, something unusual happened at the rings a few nights ago. Me managing to get carried away with my poking fun and pissing Big Brother off during our Swords duel isn't unusual. Nor is he the first one I've pissed off during a duel, but that's beside the point. It's when I stepped out of the ring victorious at the end of said duel. For some reason, the wards didn't heal the minor injuries I had sustained during the duel. Once I had taken exit, I found myself on my knees almost instantly. What the Hell?

It was a given that good health doesn't automatically make one impervious to all pain. This development with the sorcery that the rings are equipped with not working as they should, however, troubles me. Was there a counter measure in effect that I wasn't aware of? Hopefully not, but it did raise curiosity and lead me to speak with Anya about this.

Oh Fate, I've picked up the alcohol again...I went to straight vodka this time. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I'm able to convert my psionic energy into physical effect. The red tint, for example? It meant, "stay away." Usually, I end up starting a fight whenever I'm drunk. Not this time. I was far too depressed to even do that.

I was only buzzed enough to bake snickerdoodle cookies instead. Erm, alcohol-free. They were for my nieces who had come to the Inn - Mayflower, Rosie, Wander, and Ai. I hope they liked them and understood my reason for staying away from them that night, for I didn't want them to see their Aunty Reiko drinking.

Too late, and I'm ashamed that they had to see that. Which is why I cut myself off once the bottle was empty and isolated myself to the kitchen. I made a mess and slipped in the process of cleaning it up, sadly. Ugh. Just how strong had that berry-flavoured vodka been for me to fall on my arse and hit my head?

No matter, I suppose.

Yet the conversation that followed...oh dear. Mist hit the nail on its head. When I thought I had found myself, I still had a ways to go. Perhaps I had only scratched the surface with truly discovering who I really am, and I still have a long self-journey ahead. This...everything that we discussed (because I needed a different listening ear, and a friend, that bad), wow, what a mess I'm becoming again.

As much as I want to hang up my hopes and move on to seek another teacher, I pine away at the potential disillusioned hope that Toby will take me on as his student once more. Nobody will ever teach me like Toby did...it just won't be the same. Realistically, nobody teaches the same as another, even in the same subject. It's the feeling that comes with having your first teacher: you either love it and are eager for the lesson with great amounts of pride, or you hate it and dread the moment with every fibre of your body. The former of the two, that was me. If Toby was to show up at the Inn or at the Palazzo Estate one day and offer to give me some kind of a lesson right now, then I would still take great pride in being chosen to be taught anything by him and await with eagerness (as well as some possible impatience due to said eagerness).

I feel as if I will always have this pride, even years down the road.

Until that day comes, Toby is not my teacher, and I am on my own regarding my abilities ("gifts," they were referred to at least once). I only hope that I don't screw up. Again.