Topic: A Temperance of Thought

Inara

Date: 2005-12-01 12:06 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 1

My arrival on the beaches of Rhy-Din herald a new beginning for me, and I find my thoughts at that moment a swirl of barely contained excitement, and stirring of dread. I had left homes before, for less reason, and for more, with little fluttering of fear or anxiety. However at this moment, thought had settled on one thing, why I had left Thebes. The man who had been grand marshal there had had little love for, and was very angered when his son had fallen enamored with me and had invited me to the dance for the season changing dance, the fall solstice.

I had been an enjoyable night, until...but anew, this is a fresh start and there is no reason to go back, when forward is where my eyes should be set. I spent the day exploring this bustling town, walking most of it, Jewel was still suffering from the boat trip here, the poor dear truly does not like the water, and for fear of colic I lead her instead of riding her. I had stopped briefly for something to eat at a sweet little sea side retreat and observed those around me.

One gets paid little attention here when dressed discreetly, I had been bundled in my black cloak and a red velvet dress with a higher collar then was my normal taste. But then, it seemed more appropriate for people watching. As the day waned on I found myself wearied and eventually found my way to an inn, a dim lit place, with old wood floors and a bar on site. I imagine it could get quite rowdy in a place such as this on the right night.

I procured a room for the night and after seeing Jewel to a comfortable bed I myself found my way in. Let me describe it, for I have scarcely ever lived in such a small place, it is but two rooms, the first hardly large enough for the lumpy and over stuffed bed, with foot truck for valuables, the lock is long sense gone from its latch, and stone fire place, that has blackened from years of use and over burning. The floor is cold wood and the small wardrobe would barely fit even one of my trunks worth of clothing, I fear my belongings will have to remain at the port until suitable residents can be found.

The other room is much smaller, with a water basin sink the barely trickles and a large tub, but no plumbing to it. The tub makes it very cramped in deed, with barely any room for the lou at all. I will make what I can of it and move on, I fee I will have to live out of what few dresses I have with me, may tomorrow bring more light then today did.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-01 12:31 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 4

The day here started out like any other, like everyday I have been here I walked the streets and listened to the words spoken. Today I wore one of my regular dresses, a pink number with a low neckline and a no sleeve, it was cold enough though to require a shawl to ward off the chill. I had been on a search for a new home for the passed couple of days, and thought I had seen a couple of perspective homes in the last couple I had seen.

I found another little sidewalk dinner, this one closer to the other end of town, a quaint little place that served the best little sorbet dessert, it was really very good. I had stopped at a couple of dress shops, but have grown so use to having my dresses hand made, I considered sending for my girl, but had turned from the thought, I'm still not sure I'm staying. Lots of lords, just not enough brains, most men here don't seem to know how to treat a prostitute, let alone understand the under scores of a companion.

I returned to the inn later that afternoon, many people were there, a few that I had met over the last couple of days, but one man, I had not, he stood out from the rest and very easily approached me. I mark this because dressed as I was, not many would do so, men seem to fear fanciful women. He was very kind, and very funny, treating me like a normal person, its not something that happens very often, being treated like a human being, instead of a sex object, or a lady.

We dinned that night, and I told him what I did for a living, I think it put him off, made him feel a little insecure, too bad, I could have grown to like him. But all the same, he mentioned needing work, and the home I liked the most did need some fences mended and land tended, especially with winter coming in so fast. Maybe I should sleep on it, one mustn't be hasty in ones decisions, or chance making a broad mistake.

Hmmm, Rhy-Din, it doesn't sound like a bad place to live, maybe I should give it a chance. I rode Jewel for the first time tonight, she seems to have gotten her legs back, as well as her sweet personality. I would like to settle down, I've been dieing to breed the little mare, I just haven't had a chance. Who knows, maybe my luck of stability is changing at last.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-01 12:44 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 8

Well I did it, I finally bought a house, its not small by any means, and has taken a fair coin from my accounts, but at least it is mine. It is a large home, expansive to say the least. A debarked log cabin the main house has two massive wings off each side. It looks like a two story home but is actually a one story with cathedral ceilings and massive windows along the front. Slightly behind and off to the side of the house is a large matching barn big enough to house at least a dozen horses with the same but thinner log constructed fencing making up the fields around the property.

The house itself on one side contains three bedrooms, the kitchen, huge in design with granet counters and the newest in appliances, from steel stoves to fridges and sinks. Each room has its own full bath, and a living quarter. On the other side of the house is the main master suit, huge with massive tub, windows, as well as a large guest room and a large private common area, for the two rooms. Windows adorn the whole house both front and back so the front is struck by the easterly sun and catches it in the west for sunset. A large deck wraps around the whole house!

The middle of the house had a large living room and den, a library and massive dinning room for the whole house to share. But what had sold me the most was the quarters, each side is easily closed off from the other for when I am entertaining, it even has its own entrance.

I spent the whole day just fluttering around it, it is so beautiful. I also got my advertisement out and have already attended my first get together a beautiful swaray with elves and everything! The lord Prince was a very kind man, we talked for hours, such a heart deserves nothing but the best. I have hired a young lady to tend my house, Ali, she is a sweet little thing too, with such heart and yet she's so innocent. And Garry has come on for a short time as well to help tend the house, things seem to finally be falling into place.

I'm comfortable here, Ali and Garry are hitting it off and I think I just might stay. But for now, I'm going to crawl into my nice comfy bed, and get some much deserved sleep.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-01 17:54 EST
Rhy Din
Day 12

Well its late but I'm still buzzing. I met someone the other day and he has sent me reeling, Lord Gavilean Wakefield, he is fine man, both in feature and thought. Such kindness I have not encountered in many years, I have missed it, I long for it, and something else, something I had not expected.

Two nights ago a man entered my home, he attacked me and threatened my life, he got information from me, but not willingly and I did receive injury. At this new revelation Gav was so mad, so protective, I have never been so protected. He stirs feelings in me, feeling I have never felt but for slight stirring with Garry, but this is much more.

I drew him to my bed, and what love we made as such I have never felt. He is such a wonderful man, and he treated me with such love, such kindness, I will remember his gentle touch for the rest of my days. I think I love him, no, I know I love him.

Such thoughts are generally frowned upon by the guild, and it is for this reason that I am now drafting a letter of my leave from the practice, I can not in good thought commit myself to one man, ask himself to commit to me without being honest with him. All my service has been devoted to unmarried men, I do not condone bedding someone in a monogamous relationship. For this reason I will commit myself fully to him.

He talks of Christmas at the Wakefield home in England, and I find myself very excited at the prospect, I have not celebrated a Christmas sense my parents died. I can still smell the fresh cookies and sweet cakes, the turkey dinners and pie, and the sweet apple wine my parents use to allow me to drink out of a very small wine glass. Yule logs and sleigh rides, the bells jingling on the old horses gear, polished special for the day. The decorating of the christmas tree, stringing popcorn by hand, eating more then stringing and playing games in the snow with old friends.

I long so much for that time again that I find myself as giddy as a child once more. I do hope it all goes well and that he does not renege on the offer, I can't wait for that time and any worries of anything in between pales in comparison to my excitement. I do love him so.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-03 11:12 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 14

I have never been so mad, never before have I encountered such ignorance. I was approached today for the second time by an evil evil man. I can see it in him, a darkness that makes me want to shuddering in his presents, like the stench of death that clings to a three day old corpse. It is something I do not wish to encounter again, and I have been warned of his evil by many already.

Talomar Longden, Gav says he almost was killed by him, Earendur that he was stronger then anything he had encountered, and that woman, the one who warned me to find a bodyguard. Can so many be wrong? I fear they are all too right, and for this reason I actually find myself fearful, I just wish this stupid wedding would happen so Gav and I can go to England, and leave it all behind.

I find myself wearily tired, more then normally so, but then I'm not normally staying up all night every night with a dark and handsome lord. It amazes me how much my love has grown over such a short time, I am truly and greatly in love with him and look forward to every moment spent with him. Gavilean Wakefield is the kindest Lord I have ever met, and the most caring man, for once I don't feel like a possession, and feel instead like a woman.

But still one thing bothers me, and that is the people around me, no one here seems to care, at least not about children, and I shudder at every sign of it. The other night a child died, and no one seemed to care. Another has adopted a young boy and treats him like he is nothing and means nothing, this elfess marrying this monster because she thinks he is the father. How can people be so uncaring to children, it makes me sick, it reminds me of my own childhood, and that's what hurts the most I think.

I have given all I can, I fear my heart is sick from it and it is effecting me, I think it might be why I am so tired. I think I will stay home a bit more, at least until I feel a little stronger in spirit, and until the bruises on my leg heal.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-03 13:52 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 20

The last month of the year has finally come, and what delight, the time for Gav and our departure grows nearer, he has settled into my life so easily that it is much as if he had never not been there. I love him so, and though I have not been to the inn in many days, I find myself at great peace with my life. I long to spend the rest of my days with him, and he speaks often of the same.

There is but one last obstacle to see through before we leave and that is the wedding of Lady Eiellani and Lord Talomar, and even I loath to attend, but wish to be at it at the same time to be at Gav's side. I have dread of the coming day, it fills my heart with a deep sadness that lingers on me, as if a sense some coming of danger. But then again, it will be a day between my sweet love and man that has threatened my safety, so the unease does not surprise me.

I'm still weary, I find myself hard to rouse in the morning and less then interested in the sweet meals that Ali prepares each day with such care. I remember with great clarity the look on her face the day she saw Gav again, at our table, it makes me smile with memory. But her meals are becoming less appealing, I take what I can of them, but its not as much as she would probably hope, I do hope she does not take offense to my becoming a picky eater.

But Gav is beaming, and I love to see him smile. I went to town yesterday in search of something special for him, but realized that with his happiness comes a lack of what I could get him to make him happy. He has never expressed want for anything, though I did pick up a couple of small things, nothing that stands out as a great gift. I want something outstanding, something that could never be replaced or forgotten, I think I may try to contact Earendur, his kindness may lend me to a very special gift indeed.

I think I may go to the inn this evening, despite my tiredness, perhaps a drink will lift the weight that seems to have settled on my shoulders. Or perhaps I will just spend the night with my Gav, I would love to go out skating, yes, maybe that's what I'll do, pack a thermos of hot chocolate and go skating, just the two of us, I'll send for Benji out of the field and have him hitched to the cart and go skating.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-04 18:31 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 21

My mind is reeling, such happiness I have not felt in many years, my heart is filled with such happiness I fear it will burst at the strain. Last night was a night of greatness, Gavilean and I spent it together as we have many. We got out skating an escape from the horrible people in the in that seem to think children are to be used as possessions instead of living caring persons.

We found a beautiful secluded pond, it was just me and him and the snow and it was wonderful in so many ways, as if my childhood had opened around me again, and he had held me in his arms and kept me so warm. But what warmed me the most was when he dropped to his knee and asked me to marry him. I was so happy, he was asking me to marry him, I love him so, how could I have said anything other then yes?

And the ring, wow, such as money would be worthless beside, such a beautiful thing, and he had been so happy even now I can not for get the beauty of the stone and of his eyes sparkling in the moon light. I remember how nothing else seemed to exist except him and our happiness, and I was so happy, he is such an extraordinary man. Afterwards we headed back to the inn to get a drink to warm ourselves, that woman was there, the scary one.

She said things, things that made no sense, she seemed to think that Gav would not fallow through on the wedding. Such nonsense, I don't know why anyone would speak like that to someone newly engaged, it was as if she was trying to scare me off. It was all very confusing, I may have to talk to Gav about it, but I swear that such foolish words will not scare me off, I have my own past, and what was was, and is no more, there is no reason such things should effect us now.

But still it did lay worry on me to telling him that I was carrying his child, I worried he would be unhappy or scared off. I was over joyed when he told me otherwise, I'm so glad for it, I would have been heartbroken had he decided to leave. But love is strong and we will be together long now and my mind must turn now to thoughts of our up coming wedding and making plans, I can not wait, I must look into some kind of dress. I can not wait.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-07 11:36 EST
Day 24
Rhy-Din

That last few days have been a storm of emotions, I am beyond happy, my love and I are preparing to leave for England I am counting down the hours before the boat sets sail, I so long for it. But the way others have reacted to the news of our engagement have made me uncertain. I love him so, but I don't understand why these people have a problem with our happiness, I can not wait for the serenity of England, I can only hope everything goes well there.

The baby is wearing on me as well, I am tired and fairly ill each night, luckily my mornings are good and Gav makes it all very much worth while. I had never believed I would ever find someone in which I would love so much as to want to have a family with him, but I have and I don't think I could be happier. If only not for that day that elf came in, she has cast a shadow over our happiness and has made Gav very weary of my safety.

How dare she treat Gav and I like that, to accuse me of being some common prostitute, just because we did not wish to spend the night in the horrible man's home. I do not know how she can be with someone that evil and not see it, and to dismiss his threats on me as well as his solicitations, how can anyone be that willing to forgive such actions? Not just to forgive them, but to excuse them, that in itself is wrong, I wonder what kind of person could do something like that, obviously she has more problems then even Earendur had spoken of.

I can only hope the two leave us be until we are on ship and gone, by then they will be married and hopefully to enamored with one another to bother Gavilean and I any further. I spoke with Earendur the other night before the end of the eve, having run into him on my way home last night, his kindness has not changed, he worried over the small cut on my thumb and tended it for me well as I spoke to him about the dagger I carry with me. I loath not to give Gav anything he asks for, but my knife was an aged gift from my parents, and mithril is a rare and expensive metal.

It was my luck that I did run into him and he was more then willing to help me procure the items I wanted, telling me I would have it before I boarded the ship. Such kindness seems to be the heart of elves, and I find myself more and more lucky in the time I get to spend with them. I will be glad to have an appropriate gift for my love for when christmas comes, as well as for our wedding, already I have a dress pattern chosen that my girl is making up for me and white winter roses for the gathering as well.

I can not wait, I love him so.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-09 20:17 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 26

We were off today, and my heart has been in my throat all day, watching the sailors haul anchor and drop the sails had left my body singing with anticipation and the first sense of freedom I have had for as long as I can remember. Today I threw off the finial shackles of the Companion Guild and the finial fear of the evil that is Count Talomar Longden. I finial have everything I have longed for, and in a few days it will be fully realized when we finally wed.

We spent most of the day together, espically the cookies, and Gav loved the gloves I had gotten for him, it seemed only appropriate after the lovely boots he had given me, I loath to get even a speck of dirt on them. It was too brief a time before the babe started to bother me though and I fear I have not left the bed sense, thank goodness my love understands and was more then willing to keep me company in the confines of the room we had been given.

I am reminded of the trip I took from Arieal to Freemond onboard the Celeste, the cabin then too had been small but beautiful as this one is, with a sweet little closet with just enough room for the two of our luggage's, which was very fine. I made sure not to pack too much, Gav talks of shopping and I think it would be great fun to do so. In some respects I wish we had brought our horses but in others I am glad we did not, Jewel so hates boats that the last time I put her on one she nearly fell from the loading ramp she was fussing so much, I fear the next boat trip would have surely cost her life, she is truly not much more then a show horse, meant to be pretty to make me look prettier.

I fear I may have to replace her.

But alas, these are thoughts that need not bother me for now, for now I can enjoy the time I get to have with my wonderful and loving Gav who currently sleeps at my side. Ahh and what sleep, such beauty and grace even resting on his sleeping lids, how I love him so. It has drawn late and I fear I have worn him out again despite my illness I never miss the chance to be with him, each moment is reprisal from every discomfort I have ever had.

Find my own sleep hard coming with the excitement of our pending arrival, but still I must try, perhaps a while in my fianc?e's arms will bring the wariness of sleep to me.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-12 21:46 EST
England
Day 1

We arrived in England today, heralding our arrival with one intense love making session before heading on deck to watch the ship dock. Its an amazing thing, watching men move a vessel this size to dock by ropes alone. Gav was my strength and warmth through out the trip and was so again as we left the ship.

The man we met had character to spare and I believe I will meet more of his kind in the next short while, but such a refreshing place. The city is huge, and more beautiful then I remember, not that that would be hard, sense my last trip had been in the dark of night. The city seems to stretch on forever as we had gone through it, a ride I had thought would only take a short time took hours.

I would have enjoyed it more if not for the night that descended and with it the sickness that has accompanied this pregnancy. Gav's housekeeper was a very kind woman, though she seemed to take great pleasure in teasing him and making it appear that she ran the household not him. I away it was very amusing, but at the same time I was too tired and ill to find it funny.

We spent the night curled up in his library by the fire before we retired for the night, I can only hope this sickness will pass and I will be well enough to eat come morning. Love will get me through this, I can not wait to see more of this house, and to settle into the life Gavilean is offering me, something I had never even dared to dream of and now I have everything I could ever want.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-20 10:04 EST
England
Day 2

I was awoken early this morning by Gavilean's maid, she's a fine lady, but must learn that Gav and I keep late hours entertaining one another at night. I don't think I could handle many more early mornings like this one. I was introduced to the household staff, a very kind group of people, sweet and charming and very pleasant. Breakfast was delicious, though would have been more enjoyed if it had been had later then it was.

Then we went in search of a christmas tree, it was so perfect, curled up in my loves arms and looking over the beauty of his land and the surrounding wood. We chose two very beautiful trees, I'm glad my Gav did not get caught under them cutting them down, he seems from time to time so accident prone, but I like his bits of clumsiness, its very endearing.

The trip home was a little too eventful though, and I think I will have to make sure Gav never drives horses again. After he dropped the reins the fool fell overboard leaving me with a run away horse and no choice but to take actions into my own hands. I don't think I have ever been so frightened in my life, and it was only dumb luck that I didn't break my neck, but I am thankful I was able to stop the horse and save my sweet Gavilean from being dragged all the way back to the manor.

But I must admit, warming him back up was fun.

I also got to meet Gav's brother, Andrel, who Gav believed to be in prison, he seems a strong man, though reformed I'm not so sure, there was something about him, something a bit over whelming, but maybe its just his personality. Though the way he looked at me was the same as most men do, with hunger of a man who has not seen water in crossing a desert. I will have to keep my eyes on him.

Dinner was a wonderful meal and we spent the better part of the day in the library discussing our wedding plans, while we snacked on cookies and sipped eggnog, it was all too perfect, Christmas and this wedding are going to be so wonderful. Gavilean has been such a blessing, I love him so, he has given me so much and is now seeing to my every want, I feel like a child again, this is going to be such a wonderful holiday.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-30 22:39 EST
England
Day 4

This morning I woke to my sweet Gav's touch and lingering kisses, he always wakes me so kindly, sometimes I catch him just watching me, it gives me such a feeling of safety. We breakfasted late then Gav had the carriage brought round and we headed for the city for the day. It is truly a superb ride when ones stomach is not turned by the unborn growing in ones stomach.

London is such a beautiful city, full of amazing people and bright folk who seem more then happy to help you in anyway. We went to the jeweler to pick out rings, and then left there to shop. Gav was such a patient man, letting my oh and ah over little bolts of fabric and lace skirts and blouses that dangled so delicately from their hangers.

We even picked out a few things for Gav, not that I think he needed much, I noticed the castle well suited for his every need and he has definitely seen a good life, if not much better then my own, in some ways I am jealous, I wish I had grown up so. But I do so love the life I have had, and count myself lucky to be with Gavilean Wakefield.

In late eve we went for sup at a darling little restaurant where we were treated as well as any royalty and had a perfect meal, the sea bass was to die for and the service had me smiling all night. When we left there we headed out to window shop as Gav headed us for the theater, a nice little surprise he had sprung on me in the carriage on the way out.

It was a nice walk, accentuated little utterances of love and jokes about attire, one of those nights you will always remember for its simplicity and bonding. When we got to the theater we were immediately seen to, our coats taken and we were ushered to one of the front rows, this is truly a treat for me, though I have been to a couple shows before, never anything quite so grand as this was. After the show which was ended with a standing ovation we headed back to a lovely little hotel room where we are going to spend the night.

I can't wait to see what else Gav has in store for me.

Inara

Date: 2005-12-30 22:54 EST
England
Day 6

This morning was a greeted with a great deal of bustle, it is the last day before Gav and my marriage, and the time is met with many arrangements. Gav's household staff have been barraging me with questions of all kinds and I have answered to the best of my ability. The more the ask, the happier I seem to get, I am glad they are taking my feelings into account and seeing that my conditions are met.

My girl arrived today with the package containing my dress, a long sleeved off the shoulder white gown with a flowing train and a great deal of beads and embroidery, not to mention all the buttons, Gav will have a fit, I can't wait to see the look on his face. The flowers too arrived, white roses with just the slightest yellowish tint to off set all the white that a winter wedding offers, and the hall has started to come together in all its majestic ness, like a grand chapel.

I have spoken with the clergyman is briefing and have seen to selecting my witness, and sweet little severing girl from the kitchens, she is a darling, each night bringing me mint tea to settle my worn stomach. Gav has seen to the carriage, his own men and the horses as well as the honeymoon plan, though I have snuck in my own bit there, his gift shall be left on the bed for his discovery once we arrive at this mystery destination, Gav is bing tight lipped as to where it is he's taking me.

As each hour passes I find myself more and more jumpy over it all, excited and happy. I hope all goes well and no one objects to this pairing, a common Companion and a Lord and not normally wed. I can only hope no one sees fault in it or speaks up during the wedding. Hmm, maybe I can hire an archer...

Inara

Date: 2005-12-31 22:33 EST
England
Day 7

The wedding this day when off without so much a utterance of upset voices, everything was perfect for a day planned in a little more then two weeks. Gavilean spoke such words of love I will never forget this day, nor his words, the look in his eyes.

He looked at me today as if it were the first day we had ever met, as if he saw me for the first time, and in some ways I think that may be the case. He gave me a beautiful gift of a gorgeous necklace and even more precious the gift of a magnificent horse which I must attempt to name over the next couple of days.

When I gave him his gift he seemed so speechless that at first I feared he did not like it. But my fears were soon forgotten as he spoke such words of the gift, a gift he more then rightly deserved, it truly was not enough in my eyes, but he believed it worth more then his full wealth, which is probably rightly so. The sword alone would probably be well worth more then even the royals own, but the gift from Earendur was just that a gift that he will not willingly take payment for but to call us even now.

I love him so, I'm so thankful for this time, this marriage, and I can not wait to experience every moment with my sweet loving Gavilean.

Inara

Date: 2006-01-03 11:42 EST
England
Day 10

Today was our last day together on this wonderful honeymoon. We took full advantage of the tub with the time we had and I even got the chance to cook for my new husband, something I shall have to attempt again someday. I love to cook, but the occasions to do so are rare and far between I will have to make some exceptions, maybe give Ali a few days off and cook for the family instead of her.

I named my horse today as well, Nick, after the occasion, and how he seemed to arrive in the nick of time, so my poor Jewel will not have to work in her present state. He is such a beautiful stallion, my only worry is he will not care for Gav's horse, but I hope that will not be so.

We got to the manor this eve the servants greeting us warmly the home decorated for Christmas and we had a delicious meal and Gav and I spent many hours just curled up sipping eggnog talking by the big tree we had chosen together before retiring to our own room. I was shocked to see the lovely decorations in our room, they were all so beautiful and sparkled with such brilliance. I had not expected the master bedroom to look so beautiful, really nothing could have been more perfect I almost regret the idea of leaving.

I chose a few small gifts for each of the servants and spent part of the evening wrapping them and then Gav's which I hid well under the tree. Now I think I shall have to spend the rest of the night distracting my love from noticing it. Should be fun.

Inara

Date: 2006-01-03 11:56 EST
England
Day 14

Christmas has come at last, and I fear the joy of the season has left me, Gav's brother attacked me today, I have never been so scared, I don't think Gav realized just how scared I was. Give the chance I would have killed him, I would have put that perfect sword through the man's gut. The thought scares me so, I have never hurt anyone, I have never had to.

It had been such a perfect day up until that moment, we had opened each others gifts, and I had loved the jacket and pearls he had given me. Such beautiful gifts, and coat was warm and perfect, but then he left to give the staff his leave and that's when it happened. That evil man entered our room, I shudder at the thought of his skin touching mine, of how close he had come to getting what he had wanted, I'm still shaking.

Gav took me from the room once he was sure I was safe and unharmed, we spent the rest of the day huddled in his library, I managed for a short time to forget what had happened, until we went to go to sleep. I could not settle my mind, I laid awake for hours in Gavileans strong arms, but I could not shake the fear from my mind. Maybe I should steal one of Gav's dogs to protect me, maybe then I will feel safe when my husband is not around, but with the way I feel right now, I think I would need a tiger just to feel even partially safe.

But were leaving soon for home, back to Rhy-Din, and unless Andrel stows away onboard our ship, I think I will be rid of him, and safe once more in our home. In some ways I can not wait, and in others I still wish we could linger here longer.

Inara

Date: 2006-01-03 12:03 EST
Rhy-Din
New Year
Day 1

We've returned to Rhy-Din today, we spent the new year on ship, celebrating in our own fantastic way. The seas were a little rough, which was unsettling, but its hard to notice a ship rocking when your bed is too. How I love my husband, he sees to my every need and want, makes sure I am happy and well, and now that we are back on solid ground I am more then well, I am ecstatic.

We headed home to drop off our gear and settle back in, I spent a few hours napping from the rough trip then we went out for supper before heading for the inn. Nothing could have been more perfect. Hanzo as always the first to greet us and we were welcomed back warmly, lots of new faces.

It was nice to have the inn's mint tea again, I didn't think I could ever miss that drink, but I did very much and Gav and I just enjoyed the evening talking and all. He had to leave for a bit to see to a few of our bigger belongings making it home safely, and I met him back at home where we had another little celebration. A home coming if you will and made sure our bedroom knew we were back.

A new life has started for us, and I think great things will harold our love.

Inara

Date: 2006-01-18 21:10 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 18

Its been a while sense I have written, and I am a flood of emotions. I have been from the docks the markets to the inn today and still I have found little peace is my thoughts. I find myself wound, as if I want to snap, or maybe cry, or given in to the feeling of unfamiliar in control that seems to haunt my every step. The livery owner flew into me as soon as i entered his stable about the misbehavior of Nick, in the market I got into an argument over design ideas for a crib for the nursery. Even at the docks I had found myself in a fight with one of the ship masters who I had requested to pick me up a few small trinkets for me from my home land, he did not, I think that disappointed me the most.

Then there is Gav. How I love him and yearn for him, to feel his touch and hear his voice, it's all so calm when he is near, when he holds me. I put on a good face but it wrenches at me so when all I want to do is ask him to hold me as I cry. I won't though, his work is important, he keeps us living well, something I can no longer help with, and I know I have expensive tastes, I could never ask him to devote more time then he already does to me.

Every night we are together, that should be more then enough, but I lay awake for hours after he has fallen asleep, dreading morning, knowing he will be gone again, to look after papers and bonds and business I know nothing about. I loaf around the house, I'm sure Ali sees it, I think she cleans around me, but she never complains about me being in the way, bless her kind heart, I would be in pieces if not for her. Yesterday I spent the morning curled up in Gav's pillow just laying there, this morning I had to force myself from bed and to get up.

Probably just as well I feel this way, otherwise I would be shopping for new dresses and that is something I truly do not need. I did however get a book to day on pregnancy and one on babies, I will delve into tonight while I wait for my love to return, he promised such a wonderful night, but with how hard it is for me to keep my eyes open writing this, I fear I will be well asleep before he gets home.

I will have to plan something special, for just the two of us, that will lift my spirits, something that we will both enjoy and spend time together doing. Maybe we'll go skating again, or for another sleigh ride...or not, still not sure I trust letting him drive a horse anywhere. Lets hope I can come up with something, because right now I am wand, I need something to do, I'm not use to sitting around with no aim in sight, I'm going stir crazy.

Inara

Date: 2006-02-22 13:45 EST
Rhy-Din
Day Unknown

Last night Gavilean saved me from the clutches of that monster Talomar Longden, and his horrible slave Maria, and still tears of fear come to my eyes even though I am home and safe with my love once more. I can not disperse the fear that grips my heart so and drowns me in such sorrows as I have never known. I fear every movement or shadow is that pair coming to grab me, and all I can do is bury my face to my loyal husband's chest and cry.

Such bitter angry tears I have never wept before, and I fear they will never end, that this pain in my chest will never go away. But when Gav holds me I feel as if the world is finally starting to right itself, as if I am finally safe to close my eyes and rest. Last night my dreams were full of nightmares, horrible ones that tore at me so and woke me with my own cries of fear, thank gods the warmth of my husband's embrace and his soft words.

I know I must tell him what happened, the look on his face when he first saw me will haunt me till the end of my days, such disgust and anger, I feared he would pull away and leave me there to rot, a fear unfounded. But now I must gain the courage to tell him what they did, to relive the moments I was held by them, stretched in chains and tortured into submission. How can I tell him I had given up, that I had been broken without disappointing him so? I fear he will never look at me the same way again.

I fear I will never look at myself the same way...

As I stood before my mirror this morning and looked myself over I could only be thankful that the marks would fade, the bruises and whip marks, the cuts and bite marks, from my ankles to face, even my wrists, nothing seemed unmarked from this ordeal, I only hope it is truly and finally over, and that I will never see the horrible monster again. I must rally my strength now and tell Gav what happened, and hope he does not love me less for my weakness.

I only wish I knew the day and how long they had had me, it could have been days or weeks, I do not know, I can only try to settle back in and hope Gavilean will continue to love me.

Inara

Date: 2006-02-23 10:04 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 1

Its morning and I have decided that today I will start anew, I can not live in this shadow forever, I must free myself and free my heart, for I fear the strain it is on my husband. I love him so and I know he loves me also, but the need for him to protect me all the time is a strain for him, I know it is. I have decided today I put this behind me, I will fight for a semblance of control in my life once more.

I will start this morning, I will go to town while Gav is working and retrieve some fresh food and then I will dismiss the attendants of the house for the night. I want to cook Gav a meal from my own hand, something wonderful and from the heart. I want to give him a gift that will demonstrate my undying love of him, and tell him what happened, to get off my chest this pain and fear that holds me so.

I will swallow my fear and pride and tell him everything, how can I do otherwise with everything he has done for me? I just wish I was comfortable enough to make this night even more romantic. Who knows, time will tell.

Inara

Date: 2006-03-07 20:21 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 4

Its been a few days since Gavilean saved me from that horrible place and still I have nightmares every night. I worry so that this will never end and I will never find the peace in my life that I had. I've been threatened and snapped at and ordered by just about everyone I have met ever since and though I am slowly beginning to feel a little safer it feels as if this will never go away. I feel even worse for my dear Gavilean, he has been trying to protect me so much, I feel like such a strain to him.

The other nights meal went well at least anyway and I managed to tell him what had happened though I was careful to make sure I kept the detail to a minimum, he does need to know what those evil people did to me. And I wanted so bad to make love to him that despite the pain I still had one of the most romantic nights I have ever had, I made him a perfect meal and we spent the night curled up by the fire together.

I'm still trying to figure out what would be a good as a gift for him to let him know how much I love him but nothing compares to my feelings for him. I don't think anything could ever compare, I don't know what I would do without my Gavilean, in fact I do, I would die without him, I was dieing in that cell, lost and frightened, I never want to be in that position again. Somehow, somewhere there has to be something that would be an expression of my love and I will continue to keep my eyes open for something, for anything.

But for now, all I have is my love and my continuing attempts to get over this. Once I can slip away alone I think it might help to end some of his stress.

Inara

Date: 2006-03-16 10:06 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 10

Well its almost done, the baby room was painted with its last coat today, its a beautiful light purple and I picked up a lovely oak shelf and oak dressed with a flat top which will be perfect for changing the little one on. I also picked up a couple of darling little teddy bears and the sweetest little dressing gown, yellow of course, sense I do not know what it is that I will be having. The crib Gav and I chose should be arriving in the next day or two. I finally feel like life is falling back into place.

Gav has been working out of the house to keep a protective eye on me, and I appreciate it so, I still don't feel completely safe, I worry and Talomar coming back for us, I hope I'm wrong in my fears though. The people around here are talking about a wedding and from what I heard it is that evil man, I hope this new marriage will keep him so busy we never see him again.

My night sickness has finally given way and I'm finally starting to show just a little, a tiny little lump, I can only imagine what I will look like in five months time.

I went out the other day to try and find my dear Gav a gift that would suit him, what with all he does for me. I found a most beautiful jacket, black and brown leather and suede, with a winter lining that can be removed for spring wear, I couldn't help but buy it for him, as well as a beautiful journal of softened leather and a pen of yellow and white gold. I hope he likes them, I'm saving them for his birthday, I think I would like to throw him a very private party, I'm sure he will enjoy that. Anyway, off again, I want to see if I can find a couple of books for the little one at the local book store.

Inara

Date: 2006-03-30 09:20 EST
Rhy-Din
Day 20

I wish these nightmares would end, they wont though, they cling to me, they tear at my soul and wake me with such a start that I find myself bolt upright in bed. Sometimes I scream for Gavilean and wake him in the night, other times I try screaming but no noise escape my parted lips. It these nights I slip away from my bed and find my way to the nursery.

I can't help but wonder what will become of our child growing up where there is no place safe. How can I bring up a child where I myself don't feel safe. I walk through the house and make sure every door is locked and every window closed and secured, and I hate it, I hate feeling so scared all the time wondering when next a hand will be at my throat.

I'm terrified of everything still, though I try hard to keep it from Gavilean but I know its in my eyes, I have seen the way people look at me when I'm in the market, the way people talk to me. I want so badly to leave Rhy-Din, if only for a short time until I find some kind of peace, some kind of escape from the dark shadow Talomar Longden has left on my life. I sometimes fear what the stress will do to Gav's and my unborn child.

I sometimes consider begging my husband to take me back to England, but even there I fear I would not at all feel safe. I want so much to no longer have these dreams, it has been weeks since last I slept through an entire night, I am so tired, and I fear no one in Rhy-Din will help me, Talomar owns this land, he owns everything here including most of the local law. I don't know what to do anymore, I hate this so. How do you tell your husband you don't feel safe and that you want to leave your home?

I can't, I can't tell him that, I can't let him down like that, I can't let him see my weakness, I have forever been a strong person, that is who he married, now I feel as if I am a shadow of what I use to be. Gods help me but I am so frightened, I just wish none of this had ever happened.