Topic: Been Afraid

Zoe · Date: 2009-06-25 10:49 EST

Little girl, little girl. Why are you crying?
Inside your restless soul, your heart is dying.

There was a squeal of surprise followed by an outpouring of laughter. It was amazing how those little feet wearing only soft ballet slippers could make so much noise as the two girls went tearing after each through the entire length of the apartment. They were tiny beasts shrieking in delight, wearing pale pink leotards and matching tutus of tulle. "What have I told you both about indoor voices?" A woman in the kitchen called out in a firm Motherly tone, though she couldn't help but smile at their antics. "Why not save your energy for class? With you two running around so much you're going to be falling asleep as Miss Lennox tries to teach you anything."

The girls brought their game of tag to a close by their Mother, one hiding on either side of her from the other. The taller of the two lifted her gaze taking a deep breath to fill little lungs before belting out an explanation. "She started it! She said that she was better at dancing than I was, but I'm older so she can't be better. Only the oldest can be the best, right?" The smaller girl opened and closed her mouth repeatedly, an act that made her resemble some sort of little pink guppy. She obviously disagreed with this statement and was having trouble finding the words to express it, but before anyone could say anything else there was a light knock at the front door. This sent the girls into another howling round of laughter as they took off running towards the bedroom. Their Mother on the other hand gave a shake of her head, moving to answer the knock.

"Who is it?" She called through the door.

"Zoe." A little girl called back.

The woman winced at the sad tone that laced the voice and after a click of the lock she pulled the door open. "Zoe? what do you need-" Before she could finish the question screaming could be heard in another apartment down the hall, a man and a woman having a loud battle of words filled with insults and obscenities. The woman had her answer. She looked back down to the girl. "Did your Mom and Dad tell you come over here?"

Long brunette locks fell into Zoe's face as she shook her head. "No, I just got bored and wanted to see if Lucy or Nikki wanted to play." It was clear she was making excuses, but who wants to admit they got so scared of their parents they had to leave their home? Even worse, who wants to admit that the parents didn't seem to notice?

The pitter-patter of rapid footsteps could be heard and a moment later the two little ballerinas were poking their heads out from behind their Mother, scrutinizing gazes falling on little Zoe in the hallway. "Eww!" Cried the oldest, Lucy. "What's she doing here?" Her tone became bossy. "Mom, we have to go to class now. You can't let her come in because we have to go to class." A few stern tugs to the hem of her Mother's shirt were meant to drive her demand home.

"Lucy," Her Mother hissed down at her. "Take your sister and get your bags together, alright? We're going to be late if you both don't get a move on." Hands were fluttered behind her in a shooing motion and with two big heaving sighs the girls slumped off to their room once more. Glares were, of course, tossed over their shoulders the entire way causing a bright red tint to touch Zoe's cheeks but she didn't say a word. When the girls were out of sight she simply lifted pale blue eyes to the woman. The Mother rubbed at her forehead, it was so hard to concentrate with that shouting still going on in the background. Could she really send a child back into that war zone with a clean conscience? As she internally deliberated shattering glass could be heard from the battlegrounds. Zoe barely looked surprised, but that made the decision much easier.

"Alright," The Mother nodded. "I'm taking the girls to ballet. You can come with us since I can't just leave you here by yourself, but you have to be on your best behavior while you sit with me off to the side. Can you do that?" Zoe bobbed her head in reply and even through the strands of hair obscuring her features it looked as if she was actually somewhat excited. Lucy and Nikki came barreling back to the front door carrying small pink bags with their names embroidered on the side in white cursive. Lucy protested Zoe tagging along with them, but her Mother shuffled the three out the door just the same.

As they passed by the apartment still filled with screaming, the Mother couldn't help but marvel at how Zoe didn't seem fazed and how she let the snide comments from Lucy simply roll off her back without any acknowledgment. She was either a Saint in child's form, a master of turning the other cheek. Or years of listening to the same sort of abuse sent back and forth between her parents, who made arguments seem as needed as breathing, had already made her numb to it all.

Zoe · Date: 2009-06-26 13:43 EST

When it's time to live and let die.
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died.
You're in ruins...

Saturday, August 9th, 2003

Diary,

Death is a funny thing. Not a gut wrenching belly laugh or anything like that, obviously. I just mean that it's funny how strong it is. In life someone could be a horrible person. You could be fully aware of it, even experience it everyday. But sometimes when bad people die they become bigger than their lives and what they did to others. I understand not speaking ill of the dead or wiping the slate clean. They're done and gone now, what's the use of keeping a grudge? But what I don't understand is lifting them up to a whole new level of Sainthood they could have never dreamed of.

That's what she does to him.

Does she think I don't remember what it was like when he was around? It's not something you just forget. I was eleven, my memories are clear. I would give a lot for it to have been as happy as she's pretending. Or does she really believe it all? Is that why she acts like this? Mourning the loss of her happily ever after marriage that never existed. Taking her anger out on me because maybe I'm just as evil as she says I am. Maybe I am broken and I should still be crushed over the loss? Am I supposed to sweep it all under the carpet and keep it a secret now just like we did when we were all together? Is that what other people do? I'm really asking here, I don't know.

But I remember it all like it happened yesterday. If it's too quiet I can still hear screaming in my head. When does that go away? It's been so long, but I still remember. I remember bruises, snapping bones and blood. I remember those late night hospital runs, when she would fall down the stairs or slam her hand in the car door. More importantly, I know things now. I know that we haven't had to step foot in a hospital room in a little over five years. The last time was still because of him, but in a different way. I guess a heart can only hold so much anger before it gives out.

And now here we are. I thought things would get better. I really did. I figured they were just bad people together. They brought the evil out in each other. But now she just tries to fight with me like she used to do with him. The only problem is that I don't know the rules and I don't want to fight. I want peace. I want quiet. But me not wanting to throw down just seems to make her angrier. It doesn't go away. It just gets worse. She's even been raising her hand at me for a while now. That sweep of a backhand into the air, cocked and loaded. But she hasn't hit me yet. Is that next? When do I get to feel safe? Does that ever come?

I can hear her yelling again. It's only ten in the morning and she already sounds drunk. Trying to drown the demons, I guess.

Wish me luck.

- Zo

Zoe · Date: 2009-06-29 18:00 EST

The place I used to live made me feel like a tourist.
I couldn't co-exist with the cold and suspicious.
When the last remaining light was starting to filter,
It seemed the perfect time to step into the future.

"Hey, I'm talking to you. Are you alive under there?"

Zoe had heard the girl trying to start a conversation with someone, but she honestly didn't think the attempts were directed at her. She even had her doubts as she squirmed beneath the hood of her thick winter jacket, trying to flip it out of her eyes without removing her hands from the warmth of her pockets. Once her view was unobstructed she saw a girl who looked to be similar in age to herself, around nineteen, with strands of curly red hair poking out from beneath a frumpy knit hat and balled up fists resting where her hips would be through her coat. Those curious green eyes were directed right at Zoe.

"So, you are alive. That's good. I like to make sure before I start talking to someone. You wouldn't believe the toll it takes on your brain to make friends with someone and then realize ten minutes too late they're frozen solid." This was followed by a bit of cheery laughter not quite fitting after a statement about human popsicles. Zoe could do little more than stare back at the girl in confusion, but she seemed like she was used to that sort of look being aimed at her. "Anyway, weatherman says that the temperature is going to drop way down tonight. If you think you're going to stick it out slumped against a wall in an alley I think you're going to wake up in the morning with a nasty surprise. Or rather... you might not wake up at all."

Was she trying to goad Zoe into a response? If so, it worked. Reluctantly Zoe pulled her hands from her pockets using them to push off against the alley wall she was crouched against. Now standing at her full height she smirked down at the girl. "Considering I've survived the last two years or so on my own without your eye in the sky weather reports I think I'll do just fine over night." In Zoe's head she sounded intimidating. She even felt intimidating with those piercings and stringy brunette locks that hung in her face.

The girl didn't seem to get the memo though and simply sighed along with a roll of her eyes. "This is what I get for trying to do a good deed. Let me level with you, I'm cold and I want to get back to the house. If you want a place to stay for the night you can come with me. You might even be able to stay longer than that if you can play your cards right."

Before the girl could get her offer out Zoe was already shaking her head. "Look, I'm not really interested in the whole religious cult thing. I've heard this sales pitch before. A warm bed and a stomach full of food in exchange for a dunk in your glory tub so you can add another number to your ranks. I'm sure your blue jogging suits would look great with my eyes, but I think I prefer blue lips."

The reply brought on another bright laugh from the girl. "Oh, you're funny! Tonio is just going to eat you up. But we're not a cult. We're all a lot like you." Her head tilted, that green gaze seeming to size Zoe up. "No where to go. No one to look to. No haven. Just on your own along with your will to live. Sounds familiar, right?" Zoe narrowed her eyes at the girl, but it didn't stop her from talking. "Listen, I really do want to go back to the house. It's a safe place to stay. We were all out on the streets like this at one point or another. If you don't like it, you can always leave. Even better! We can write your name on this wall in chalk so no one claims your spot if you decide to come back to it!"

Zoe continued giving the girl a hard look. The offer sounded tempting enough, a place to stay the evening minus the dosed kool-aid. It had been a while since Zoe had been able to find someone proper to let her couch surf for a night or two. It seemed December, when the words "good will towards men" were tossed around like a bunch of ego stroking confetti, was the hardest time to find a little bit of help. Was she really in the position to turn this girl down?

"Could you pretend to be contemplating your answer while we walk back to the house? My feet are getting cold from standing in one place." The girl asked so matter-of-factly, as if she had dealt with people just like Zoe for years and had done this dance many times before. "If it makes you feel better I'll protect your pride from the others and tell them I had to drag you along kicking and screaming for the first four blocks." There was that laugh again. "I gotta warn you though, I said the exact same thing for most of them so they might be onto that jig."

It was Zoe's turn now to roll her eyes even though she was leaning down to grab the olive drab army bag at her feet that contained all of her worldly possessions. "Fine, I'm coming. But listen up, if I end up in a tub full of ice missing a kidney I'm going to figure out a way to make you pay." The threat was said through a thin smile split across her lips.

The girl laughed as she led the way out of the alley and down the street, obviously amused by the banter. "Well, in reality, you wouldn't be missing a kidney. Livers earn much more on the black market. But since I'm figuring your point still stands I'll make sure if I remove any of your organs to watch my back for...- Hey! I didn't get your name."

There was a lull in Zoe's steps behind the girl. Lips pursed thoughtfully for a moment before she offered a simple and gruff reply. "Zoe... Just Zoe."

"Just Zoe? How Madonna of you. We have a lot of those back at the house, too. Along with some Chers and... Well, you get the idea. Anyway, I'm Charity!" There was only a small grunt in reply before she continued. "You got quiet all of a sudden. Nervous about the others? Don't worry. I think you'll fit in just fine." Charity reached up to clap her hand on Zoe's shoulder encouragingly. "Consider it a brand new day, Zoe!"

Zoe · Date: 2009-06-30 17:36 EST

You're a stray for the Salvation Army.
There is no place like home,
When you got no place to go.

Zoe had lost track of how long it took them to reach the city's edge. Or how many lonely spaced out houses they passed along the overall deserted road. She kept her hands shoved into her pockets, eyes pointed down at Charity's heels using them as a guide for which direction to go. Zoe didn't feel much like talking anymore, but that didn't stop her companion from chattering away about some of the people that were back at the house.

Mani, L-Kick, Hurley, Knucks, Skirt, Reno...

"Does everyone use a nickname or did their parents just hate them?" Zoe couldn't keep the question in any longer.

Charity chuckled in reply. "Actually, I think both of those are true! At least for a few of us." She shot a glance over her shoulder. "Oh, come on Madonna, you know first hand that sometimes it's easier just to leave a name behind and the memories that go along with it."

Zoe's gaze narrowed. "I'm not going by Madonna."

"I know that, I was just tossing it out there for humor! Geez, I hope your mood improves once you get some dry socks on. Besides, Tonio is the one that passes out nicks."

"Is that his real name? I mean, Tonio seems pretty tame for a nickname."

"Oh no," Charity shook her head. "It's a nickname alright. He kind of reminds everyone of a mafia boss or something the way he works things, but you can't really blame him for it. I mean, whatever he's doing has kept us all running for quite a while now."

There was another long pause of silence as Zoe let that sink in. "So... Charity isn't your real name?" There was a slow blink from Zoe. She really shouldn't have been surprised by now, but for some reason it was still a little unsettling. It was similar to when you already knew there was no tooth fairy but your parents went the extra mile to come out and confirm it.

"I'm going to request that Tonio call you Needle if he calls you anything at all, because you're making me skip like a broken record." She laughed at her own joke and slowed her pace so they could continue the conversation side by side. "It's short for Charity Case." She divulged rather sheepishly. "I have a tendency to bring home strays." Zoe opened her mouth to dispute this but Charity charged on through." But it also goes the other way. I don't really do the same stuff everyone else does to earn my keep. My specialties tend to lay around my heart and my mind." A gloved hand tapped her temple.

Two thin brows rose, a sideways glance sent Charity's way. "If those are your specialties... what does everyone else do?"

The only reply was a far off shrug as if she hadn't quite heard the question before she turned sharply, her pace picking up as she moved along a driveway. Zoe was thrown off by the sudden change in their path and almost kept walking down the road, but she caught herself and took off in a brief jog to catch up. They could barely see each other now as they approached a large pitch-black house, the doors and windows all boarded up and taped off. Charity moved without pause trailing along the edge of the house to the back. A small window, probably from a basement, which was emitting a dim glow could just barely be made out. Charity stooped down by the window and wiggled it open before flipping over onto her stomach and sliding feet first inside. "Like this." She explained before she disappeared within the house. Shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably Zoe stared at the window. "Come on, Needle! Don't make me repeat myself again!"

Finally, with a heavy sigh Zoe dropped her bag to the ground and shoved it through the window with her foot. She crouched down and flipped over onto her stomach just as Charity had done. With a wriggle along the ground she was soon dropping in feet first... To what? Hell if she knew.

Zoe · Date: 2009-07-02 16:15 EST

And I?m not scared of your stolen power.
I see right through you any hour.

There was a solid thump when red leather boots hit the concrete floor of the basement. Zoe leaned down to scoop her bag and turned as she hoisted it over her shoulder. Brows automatically inched up along her forehead as she took in her surroundings, a little more than surprised by what she saw.

"Impressive, isn't it?" Charity chimed in with another laugh.

It actually was, easily taking the title of "Best Squatter Sanctuary" in Zoe's mind. Beer bottles and soda cans with candle sticks in them along with camping lanterns were being used for that soft glow of light. There were numerous pieces of mismatched furniture; couches, chairs, even a mattress or two sprawling across the open floor. Sure, all of it was worn and obviously garbage picked, but it wasn't an alley ground sticky from who knows what. There was even an area that seemed to make up for the lack of kitchen that had a seventies circa hot plate and a coffee pot sitting on a wooden dresser. A number of people were lounging about, sprawled here and there, reading or playing cards. Others looked to be in their own little worlds. Zoe looked back to Charity with a blink. "Must have taken a while to get all of this together."

She shrugged while removing her gloves and hat. "Like I said, Tonio has kept us running smooth for quite some time. But we only add things in here and there. We've been pretty lucky that no one has found us, but we're also strict on people coming and going a lot. And that's why we use the back entrance." Her head nodded towards the window they had just dropped down from as she discarded her winter jacket onto a pile beside them. "But quit standing around and drop your stuff so we can go find Tonio, Needle."

Zoe gave a heavy roll of her eyes though she did toss her bag onto the pile along with her winter coat. Free hands were then tucked into the pockets of her leopard print zip-up sweater riddled with holes and safety pins. "I'm not going by Needle either. People are going to think I'm an addict."

Charity waved her hand dismissively then reached out to hook her arm with Zoe's, a tug given to direct her across the room. "I really wish you would stop your belly aching. It's not going to get you anywhere fast. Besides, I already told you I don't pass out the nicks, but keep talking and you're only going to build my argument when I tell Tonio it's perfect for you." They had reached a doorway covered by a thick wool blanket, a circle split by a zig-zagging arrow angled into the upper right corner was spray painted across it. Charity tugged the blanket aside and peeked her head in. A muffled voice rumbled from within and a moment later Zoe was being dragged in after her.

It seemed like the room once might have housed the washer and dryer, but now it was turned into a smaller version of the main commons with a mattress taking up a majority of the space and a rusty orange chair beside it. Perched in the chair was a man who looked to be in his mid-twenties. His features were sharp and fixed into a hard stare. Dark locks were spiked this way and that across his head, that disheveled punk style seeping into his clothing which consisted of torn jeans, a black tee, and a leather jacket covered in cloth patches of various bands or beliefs. Charity didn't even bat a lash as she marched right towards him. Zoe on the other hand tried digging her feet into the ground but it didn't do much good.

"What did you bring home now, Charity?" His voice was a growl through smirking lips.

"She was in an alley and probably going to starve in a minute here." Charity replied while pulling Zoe's arm from her pocket and giving it a shake to display thin wrists. Zoe narrowed her eyes and jerked her arm back forcefully shoving her hand back into her pocket. "Boss Tonio, I bring you Zoe." She shoved her shoulder into Zoe who stumbled forward but quickly caught her balance. Charity and Tonio had their gazes fixed on her, waiting for her to do something. Anything besides simply blinking between them. At last, she heaved a sigh.

"I'm not kissing your goddamn ring if that's what you're waiting for."

The silence dragged on and hung thick in the air. A smack of your lips and you could taste the discomfort. That was, until a chuckle from Tonio broke the quiet. Charity perked and continued on with her sales pitch. "She's entertaining, Tonio. And the wit probably means she can think quick on her feet." Zoe still felt uncomfortable, her shoulders slumping forward. Maybe if she tried hard enough she could curl in upon herself and vanish where she stood.

There was a rattle of chains as Tonio slid forward on his seat, his head tilting at Zoe while he fixed that appraising gaze on her. "You got any muscle underneath all that skin?" Zoe continued to stare at him silently. "Come on, can't you say anything besides a smartass comment? Can you fight?"

"Who am I fighting?"

"Not sure right now, just trying to determine if you can first."

"Why am I fighting?"

"Because a majority of the time the only other option is to run and I really don't want to bring a coward into our ranks. What's wrong? Your Daddy never teach you to throw a punch?"

"Not intentionally."

There was another pregnant pause amongst the three. Charity was watching the exchange with strong interest. Although it was clear Zoe's mouth was in proper working order she was still wearing an expression of severe concentration as if she were trying to will the ground to open up and swallow her whole. Tonio on the other hand? He simply looked amused.

"You don't look like much. I don't expect much either, so I suppose that's in your corner. But maybe you'll surprise us. Maybe you have a whole 'float like a butterfly, sting like a bee' thing going for you. A bag of surprises." Thin lips curled into a predatory grin. "Or you'll just crash, burn, and end up back on the the streets. Who's to say really?" Charity then got a nod. "Show her around and tell her what she needs to know. Once she's up to speed we'll see how she works."

Charity clapped her hands together before giving Zoe a solid pat on the back that made her entire body lurch forward. She couldn't remember the last time she had been so confused. She gave a roll of her shoulders to brush Charity's hand away before her gaze narrowed on Tonio once again. "You're not making a lick of sense and for the life of me I can't figure out what in the hell you're trying to say."

His shoulders were slowly shrugged, hands lifted while he attempted something similar to an innocent expression. It looked so awkward on his features, as if they hadn't been forced into that pattern for years.

"Welcome to the family."

Zoe · Date: 2009-07-06 12:38 EST

And just in time, in the right place.
Suddenly I will play my ace.
And just in time, In the right place.
Steadily emerging with grace.

Almost Two Years Later...

Lovers, hands entwined in a sweet embrace during a stroll on a cool October night. Stray rusted and bled leaves crackled beneath boot steps. A lingering glance and knowing smile between words of whispered conversation. It was all rather intimate. Picturesque, even with the added plumes of cigarette smoke that trailed behind them. The streets belonged to them, save for the random passing vehicle and one lone young man paces ahead.

Their strides were relaxed, smooth and in time, yet they slowly gained ground. His head perked at the footsteps that echoed his own, head craning over his shoulder to peer at his shadows. Three cohorts sharing the dead of night. There was a friendly smile. A predatory curl across the lips of the pair in turn. Cigarettes plucked from those tight grins and discarded to the ground. A parting of the red sea, the lovers divide, one on either side of the young man. His expression fell.

Arms forcefully looped within his and guided him down a nearby alley, heels digging into concrete to halt his capture did nothing. A female hand, long thin fingers, clapped across his mouth and nose to draw his silence. It wasn't until they were deep within the belly of the alley that she relinquished her hold leaving him in full to her literal partner in crime. A half turn on red leather boots reverted her to look out.

Pleading, begging, sobbing. All cut off by a grip around his windpipe. A demand for valuables growled between clenched teeth. The young man was shaking too hard. Can't speak. Can't move. The girl hissed her own command. Hurry up. Grab it and let's go. Rough hands forced themselves through jacket and jean pockets. A wallet. A watch. A bus pass. That's what the lovers got for their trouble. The young man? A sharp rattle by the throat knocked his head back into brick leaving him dazed. On the release he slid down, back against he wall, slumped on the ground. Everyone got theirs.

The girl took her lover's hand. A tug to lead him farther into the alley so they could emerge through the other end, shiny and new. He stalked forward, chest rising proudly below the line of his leather jacket. It was her steps that briefly faltered, a wide blue glance sent towards the man on the ground. Thoughts infect her joy. One question ringing clear in her mind soiling the victory.

How could she feel so helpless and weak when she was the one walking out of the alley of her own accord?

Zoe · Date: 2009-07-10 11:31 EST

She plays her vinyl records,
Singing songs on the eve of destruction.

"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?" Her song was soft, practically lost. "Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear-"

"Stop singing." His tone wasn't much louder, but it still easily carried that dangerous edge to it.

She heaved a silent sigh in reply but promptly followed orders, the good soldier that she was. They both fell back into steady observance leaning casually against a brick wall while watching the thinning crowd pass. The quiet between them was drawn out, magnified by conversations and laughter that fluttered along the sidewalks from people racing to reach their destinations in the last twenty minutes before midnight. Her lips parted to speak.

"Move." His voice came first.

At that her jaw snapped shut with a click and she pushed off the wall falling into pace by his side. It wasn't hard to spot the mark he had chosen. A slightly older man who didn't look like he had much fight in him. His loitering pace made it seem he had no place in particular to be, simply enjoying the fresh air and sights of the festive night. As an added bonus he swayed to and fro, no companions to keep him down the straight and narrow. Only Mr. Jack Daniels and good ol' Johnny Walker were with him this evening. The crowd continued to thin, only a few stragglers now. Ten minutes until midnight. Everyone was getting to where they needed to be.

The mark paid no mind to the tail that was following behind him, slowly but surely catching up. He wasn't aware that he had walked too far and was dipping into the shadier part of town. He didn't even notice the abandoned parking structure that was long due to be torn down he was strolling by. It took two pairs of forceful hands shoving and dragging him inside to get his attention. He opened his mouth to shout but a balled up bandana held at the ready was shoved deep into his mouth cutting off the cry before it could begin. He stumbled and dropped to his knees. There was a man in front of him and a long thin arm grappled firmly around his neck which made getting air through the clump of fabric even more difficult. A female voice cooed into his ear, "Be quiet and don't move. Quick and painless." The mark was starting to fade as the man searched through his pockets, the words "now or never" screaming repeatedly in the back of his head.

It all happened so fast. There was nothing that could be done. Isn't that what they always say?

The mark got one foot under him and that was all it took. He pushed himself up dragging the girl along with him, drunken brute force driving his shoulder into the chest of the man. Tonio dropped onto his back, but Zoe tightened her gripped using all of her strength in an attempt to pull the mark back down. She just needed him back on the ground and she could handle him. He struggled and thrashed. Tonio was quickly on his feet and practically launched himself at the man tossing both him and Zoe back onto the concrete roughly. Three bodies withering in struggle punctuated by grunting and growling. Then suddenly it stopped.

Everything went still save for the rapid breathing in the tangle. Tonio was the first to work his way free and pushed himself to his feet. Just from the faint glimpses of his face Zoe could make out in the random streaks of lamp light she couldn't remember when she had seen him so enraged. She still had her arms locked around the man's throat who was collapsed on top of her. She waited for him to get his second wind. She was ready for the fight now. But as the seconds ticked on it didn't come. In fact, his twitching and jerking movements slowly came to a halt. "Tonio," she breathed just above a whisper. "Tonio, what happened?" Bony arms slowly loosened their hold, the freedom now allowing them to shake from adrenaline. The mark didn't move.

There was no reply from Tonio, not verbally anyway. He reached down and collected a chunk of the man's collar using that to hoist him up and off of Zoe. The other hand moved to his stomach and after a squelch he lifted a knife into her eye line, a thick red tint to the blade. The mark was then dropped off to the side, landing with a sick heavy thud. Tonio casually spoke through tight lips, "Not so quick. Absolutely not painless." Zoe was still laying on the ground, the shiver from her arms had now made its way into her entire body. She couldn't see much in the dark but now she could feel her clothes and skin were sticky wet, most likely with more blood. There was a audible swallow and she was thankful she couldn't see the rust colored stains.

"You're okay." It wasn't a question, it sounded like another order. Tonio reached down again and this time he was grabbing her by the arm, using it to pull her to her feet. "We need to go." He began roughly guiding her towards the opening they had came in through. Zoe's steps were clumsy, her entire body still shaking below his grasp. They were leaving. They were leaving that man there, broken and bled. The man Tonio had stabbed. The man Zoe had held while he died. They were leaving behind the man they had killed.

Zoe · Date: 2009-07-10 14:08 EST

I may not be pure,
But I'm not all that toxic.

"No."

The word caught at the back of her throat and escaped in a croak. Her steps became heavier, her knees started to give out. He was practically dragging her now. "No!" It came out as a sob this time. She tried to pull free from his grasp, but even through the sleeve of her leather jacket her arm was lost within his hand. "Tonio, Tonio. We can't just leave him. We need to call someone. Even if we just leave an anonymous tip to point them in the right direction. We can't just leave him. We didn't mean it." She kept saying "we" but in the back of her mind she knew she was alone with these thoughts. Her body turned, she was trying to look back to where the mark was. Trying to figure out the easiest directions to guide police there. Unfortunately, this line of thought was quickly halted by a sharp shake to her body and an open palm slapping the back of her head. She winced, her body curled over.

"Now? Now you decide to grow a conscience?" He had stopped pulling her and instead twisted her about so he could lower his face to her level, angry narrowed eyes on wide and watery blue.

"I don't kill people, Tonio! I don't kill and neither should you! We need to get help." She tried to sound brave. She tried so hard to keep her voice from quivering so much.

"This is what you have a problem with? Out of everything you've done since the day I've met you and now you want to act like the Patron Saint of Helpless Victims? This is the logical step. This is what they made us do."

"Made us?" Every meager bit of courage that she had was mustered up and directed at him. "No one made us do anything! For someone who acts as if he's got the world in the palm of his hand you sure do love to cop out on your actions and blame it on your past. Your life sucked, Tonio! Everyone's life sucks! But it's not an excuse to do this! We could have been better."

"You talk like it's over." His voice was cool, lips curled. How was he smiling? As if her words held no meaning, simply the ramblings of an angry housewife who wandered too far from the kitchen and would find her place again soon enough. At least it made it easier for her to be more angry rather than scared.

"It is over, Tonio. I'm done and so are you. I'm getting help and you're taking responsibility for what you did." She tried yanking her arm away in one dramatic sweep but she still couldn't get free.

"It's not over until I say it is." He tightened his grip as she began fighting and clawing with her other hand. "Besides, the blood is on your hands... your jacket... your shirt. You're in this just as much as I am."

"Then I'll go down with the ship." There was another sharp pull at her arm and the moment she slipped free she took off running, a mad sprint towards the exit. For a moment she thought she was home free. Get out. Get help. Keep running. But the girls in the horror flicks always made running from the bad guy seem so much easier than it actually was. A moment later he was tackling her from behind full force and knocking her into the ground, her body and face scraping roughly against the gravel. His entire weight was pinning her down, hands digging so hard into her back that she thought her ribs might crack if they weren't already. She could barely breathe and any air she did get was laced with dirt.

His head was lowered, lips and teeth brushing against her ear as he hissed. "Don't you know you can't run from me, bitch?" When he straightened she was pulled back by a chunk of blue hair and then slammed right back down, her face hitting the ground with a wet crack. There was no use in trying, Zoe could barely get a thought together let alone gather enough strength to fight him off. Blood poured freely from her nose, mouth, and cuts along her cheeks. Her gaze was clouded from grit and tears. "I've worked too hard and too long to have you ruin this for me." The words coming out in that serious growl. She felt him shift on her back. She could hear the clatter of rubble as his hand groped along the ground beside them. The other hand wrapped around the back of her neck keeping her place. A rock about the size of a baseball was bounced in his hand so he could get a solid grip on it before winding back, his aim directed at the back of her skull.

"Sing for me now, Bluebird."

Zoe · Date: 2009-07-23 09:49 EST

My dirt might have to cover up my grave.

How did it happen in movies? How did someone wake up in a hospital? A rapid bat of lashes. Friends and family members huddled around their bedside. Hopeful looks mingled with nervous glances. We're here. We love you. Come back to us. All answered by a sleepy yet strong smile. Everyone and everything was going to be okay. Roll credits.

It didn't happen like that.

She came to with a start, bloodshot eyes set inside swollen black and blue flesh bursting open. A sudden draw of breath into her lungs. Her chest burned as she panted, taking in large gulps of air like they might be her last. Her lips cracked. Her limbs tingled with pins and needles. Her head throbbed. Everything hurt. The breathing became even quicker. There were tubes, draped about her and going up her nose. Monitors and beeping. A needle in the back of her hand. She still hurt. Oh god, it hurt so bad. Tears started to press against her eyelids looking for release. Oh god, why is it hurting so bad? Another deep inhale and on the exhale she let out a long sobbing shriek into the dim stale air of the hospital room. She thrashed and started clawing as the tubes though the movement hurt her even more. There was more beeping, sounding off like an alarm. Everything needed to stop.

"I need more nurses in here! She's trying to rip out her IV! Grab her arms and hold her down!"

There was another long ear splitting scream when a nurse on either of her arms was forcing them back down to the bed. She tried kicking her legs but there was too much pain. Her chest was rising and falling so hard and fast that it seemed like it might burst. Another nurse slipped in with a sedative and pressed the needle to her arm. The screaming and thrashing slowly came to a stop. Now she was just a mess of body wracking sobs. Fat tears pooling about in sunken sockets as she sank back down into her pillow.

Zoe · Date: 2009-07-31 17:28 EST

I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared.
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared.
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear.
What am I leaving, when I'm done here?

"Hey, I'm talking to you. Are you alive?"

A groan gurgled at the back of Zoe's throat in response as her eyelids parted into slits. Sunshine filtered in through the cream color curtains of a nearby window casting a sickly yellow tint over the entire room. She could hear the beeping of machines surrounding her, but at the moment she was more focused on the familiar voice.

"Charity?" Her own voice crackled from lack of use. Her head still throbbed, but she didn't feel as horrible as she did the last time she woke up. It seemed forever ago but the cloudy memories suddenly began to assault her, spilling mercilessly back into her mind. Not just the screaming fit, but before that. Grit in her mouth and eyes. Rough hands on her throat. Cracking bones and blood. The blood. Not just her own. The mark. Her chest began to heave as tears flooded into her barely open eyes. "Charity."

"So, you are alive." She stepped closer to the bedside and placed a firm hand on Zoe's shoulder to steady her. Through the blur of tears Zoe could barely make out her expression. The crooked smile was obvious enough, but the friendliness that usually reached her eyes wasn't there. What was that? Concern? No. Zoe couldn't tell but before she could think on it much longer Charity spoke again. "Geez, you look like sin." She was so casual. It disturbed Zoe to a point, but she would be lying if she said she didn't appreciate it. Anything familiar right now, even if it was just Charity's dry humor, was welcomed.

"I didn't think I would see you again." Such a cliche statement. Zoe knew it in the back of her head, but it was the truth.

Charity seemed just as aware and gave a roll of her eyes. "And I didn't think we were going to have one of these touching scenes. Should I go downstairs and get you a box of chocolates? Maybe a balloon?" A laugh bubbled through her lips and she shook her head. A moment later she was pulling up a chair and sinking down into it. "Tonio came back that night without you. Said you wouldn't be coming around anymore and left it at that. We were all confused, but you don't question the boss, you know? Most people just thought you lost your nerve and went back out on your own. It wouldn't have been the first time someone suddenly ditched us."

Zoe's jaw had dropped her head shaking lightly. "That's not how it happened, Charity. I wouldn't just leave."

"If I'm here don't you think I kind of caught that?" There was another bout of hard laughter at Zoe's blank expression. "I'm going to let you slide since you probably have a bit of brain damage going on, but you really need to get back up to speed." Charity folded her hands, her forefingers pressed together in a steeple she tapped to her lips. Once her thoughts were pulled into place she continued. "You made the newspaper, though I'm sorry to say you got bumped to page two." She recited the words as if she were reading them. "Found by police, John Doe dead on the scene and Jane Doe in a vegetative state now at the local hospital. Probably victims of a robbery gone wrong since neither had wallets. But he was a troublesome drunk and you are, well, you." Fingers pointed at her briefly. "So not much has come from it since then. Probably for the best anyway."

Zoe's mind was swimming. There were so many questions that she needed to ask and at the same time she just wanted to go back to sleep and wait for this to all be over with. Finally, her voice caught up with her thoughts. "How did you know it was me?"

"I didn't, but I have a friend who works here." Zoe wasn't surprised to hear that. Charity was the Queen of Hook-ups. Her sunny disposition and way with words allowed her to form a small army of helping hands. "I like to be in the loop on that sort of stuff when one of our own goes up in smoke. I asked him for a run down on the new Doe and the moment he mentioned the blue hair I knew it was our very own Bluebird. Though, I do have to warn you before you take a look in the mirror. Your hair was so matted with blood that they had to cut some of it off so they could staple your noggin shut." Zoe's hand automatically lifted towards her head, but Charity tsked. "Don't touch them. They're going to be coming out soon anyway. The hair isn't so bad. Looks like you've got the perfect start to one of those mohawks you always wanted."

"Your ability to look on the bright side is nothing short of frightening, Charity." Her hand dropped heavily back down onto the bed. The corner of Zoe's lips twitched upward slightly and she couldn't help but feel disgusted at herself. This was no time to smile. There was nothing to be happy about right now. "I can't come back."

Charity sighed again. "You're still the last horse crossing the finish line. You think I came here to bring you back, B.B.?" She nodded her head in the direction of the corner and Zoe's gaze followed. There sat her olive bag and a beat up black guitar case. "I just figured you would want your things. Once they release you from here you're going to have to hit the road pretty damn hard. Tonio doesn't know about any of this, but if he gets wind of it he's going to hunt you down. You realize that, right?" All the humor had left her voice. Zoe couldn't remember ever seeing Charity this serious. Even when she was handling business she did it with a twinkle in her eye, but her green gaze was only cold now.

"I know." Zoe replied softly. She couldn't say more in fear of her voice quivering and the tears burning at her eyes spilling over to her cheeks.

"You'll be okay." Charity tried to reassure her, but the gesture didn't quite reach her tone. She pushed off of her chair and rose to her feet. "I have to go, the longer I stay away the more questions to face down once I get back. But you need to listen to me. There is a piece of paper in your guitar case. It has a P.O. Box address on it. You can keep in touch with me that way, just be careful alright?"

"I'll keep in touch." Zoe repeated, she still could barely speak. A sniffle infiltrated her words. "I don't know when I'm getting out of here, but the moment I am I'll head out."

Charity gave a nod. "Good girl." She was trailing towards the door as she spoke. "Also, just so you're aware. They have your full name here. I gave it to them and let them know you don't have any living relatives to contact."

All the sadness that Zoe had felt was instantly replaced with surprise. She sputtered. "M-My name?" Her volume dropped. "You don't even know my full name..." She stared at her in disbelief. Charity was a crafty girl with a wide array of tactics below her belt, there was no denying that. Now Zoe was trying to determine just how resourceful she could be. Charity seemed to easily read the thoughts that were spinning out of control behind Zoe's furrowed brows.

"Don't get your gown twisted, Zoe Day." Charity's wry smile returned.

She gave an owlish blink. "Zoe... Day?"

"You don't like it? You never like my names. I thought it had a nice ring to it. I could see that name in lights." Charity shoved her hands deep into her pockets, still grinning wide. "Besides, how many people get to have a day named after them?"

Zoe's words poured out in reply. "Why don't you come with me? We can both go. Start off somewhere new." She tried to offer a wide persuasive smile, but it hurt her cheeks. This family and their broken down home was the closest to comfort Zoe had reached in years. She didn't want to give it up, not yet.

Charity chuckled. "You don't think that will raise more brows? Get Tonio on a trail sooner than later?" She moved towards the door and bobbed her head. "Goodbye, Zoe. I think it's safe to say your life will be considered a success if you don't see any of us again."

Zoe stared at the spot where the red headed girl had just stood. She couldn't pull her wide blue eyes away. Maybe part of her was hoping Charity would change her mind. That she would come rushing back and insist they steal the next car they saw, the Thelma and Louise of their generation. But seconds ticked by. Minutes. Hours. She never came back. The room slowly grew dim. The sun was setting on the era of the Bluebird. It was over.

Left in her place was Zoe Day.

Zoe · Date: 2009-08-04 11:39 EST

I wrote a four word letter,
With post script in crooked lines,
"Though I'd Lived, I'd Never Been Alive."

May 15th, 2008

Charity,

Sorry it took me so long to write, I've been on the move for a while now. It's good to see that travel is a lot like riding a bike and no matter how long you're out of the game you never forget the tricks of the trade. Is it sick to say I'm kind of enjoying the new scene? Sure, I miss people. I miss you. But I missed this, too.

I took the plunge and fixed my hair all by myself before I was released from the hospital. It looks so good I've even kept it that way. A blue mohawk, can you believe it? Maybe I should do a better job of blending in, but I like it too much to cut it off. No one talks to me. They give me dirty looks but they just keep moving on. It's nice. Peaceful.

I didn't include my address. Not that I really have one to give, but I don't want to risk it for now. I figure you're thinking "good girl" at the forethought which I'm usually lacking.

I'll write again soon.

- Zoe Day

August 7th, 2008

Charity,

It took me a while but I was able to find a place that I can rest my feet, at least for a bit. Things are okay here. I still wish you came with me. The quiet hums louder now than it did before and I blame you. But I also forgive you, I understand.

I've been waiting for my hair around the staples to grow back, but I don't think it's going to. It's not so bad. Part of me is proud of the scar because I survived, but another part of me is ashamed and wishes I could cover it up all the time. It's a reminder of the stupid stuff I did, like track marks on an addict.

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing alright. There's just too much time to think.

- Zoe Day

October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween, Charity!

By time you get this letter it will be way over, but it doesn't make me mean it any less. I'm being a hobo for Halloween, what are you going as?

I wish you could write back. Maybe if I do find a place to set up shop for a while I'll give you the address. Don't scrunch your nose like that. It'll be okay, right? You'll keep the letter safe, I trust you. For all I know I'm long forgotten. For all I know you don't even get these letters anymore, but hoping that you get these and read them feels like the only connection I have to the world right now. Does everyone have this problem? We all seem to walk by each other without really paying attention.

Well, some of us stop. I'm glad you got my guitar to me. I've been using it to wrangle up some cash. It's amazing what shoving an acoustic into someone's hands can do. Apparently I've gone from being a street punk to being a tortured artist? But the money is okay so I can't complain. I've been saving it up and putting some thought into grabbing a cheap motel or something before winter hits too hard.

Can you believe I'm thinking about taking an extra long pause somewhere? I just have to find the right place. Somewhere with a lot of people where I can fade into the background. That would be great.

- Zoe Day

December 25th, 2008

Merry Christmas, Charity.

I have to admit the holidays are strange. I feel uplifted. Is this the Christmas spirit I always heard about? I'm not sure.

I still don't have much to my name. I got that cheap motel room I was telling you about. I've only been here for a few days though and I'm not sure how long I'll get to stay. But I've decided I'm going to enjoy it while I can.

Every night I curl up beneath all of the blankets and sheets with my head surrounded by every pillow they give you. And in the morning I think I spend at least two hours sitting in the bottom of the tub with the water from the showerhead pounding against my back. Sometimes I have it so hot that my skin turns red, but it feels so good. I think showers are my favorite thing ever. Can you make money taking a shower? I think you can, but it would probably only be if I let dirty old men watch me. GROSS. Nevermind.

I'm feeling rather chatty and it's not all bad. I'm tired of being such a downer all the time, but it's a hard habit to break. Do you think I'll get better? Sometimes I think so. It feels like a sickness. At times my heart will swell because of excitement over my life. I've seen a lot and survived a lot, in my head at least. But then there's a voice at the back of my head that says I should just give up. That all this fighting isn't worth a thing.

A Santa on the street asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I think he might have been drunk, but it did make me think. What do I want for Christmas?

Something to hold on to.

That's not asking much, is it? Don't roll your eyes at me, Charity.

Have a nice Christmas.

- Zoe Day

February 4th, 2009

Charity,

I've been spending my winter split between roach motels and alleys with random pit stops in soup kitchens. Homeless people are actually kind of rude. Were we that bad? I always felt like we were pretty chipper. Maybe because we weren't really homeless? Despite everything I hope the family is doing well.

Once the snow starts to melt I'm off again. I've spent too much time in this city and I need a change of pace. Everything is starting to blend together. Either the world is starting to blur or my eyes have been dulled. I'm not sure.

I'm just trying to find a place to get lost.

-Zoe Day

May 29th, 2009

Charity,

I got lost.

Usually I have a faint idea of where I'm going, but when I left the last city I just... went. No rhyme or reason. I kept walking until I thought my feet were going to fall off. I would grab a few hours of rest and maybe even a little sleep, then I just kept moving.

The world is a hard place to get lost in these days, in my opinion. It doesn't feel as big as everyone makes it out to be. But I did it.

I ended up in, well, I'm not really quite sure what it is. It has a name though. And I have a room. It's not much. But it has a bed and a door, what else do you need? I've only been here a week, but I think I'll be staying a little while. For some reason I don't feel like such an outcast. There are a lot of interesting people here. Maybe they all wanted to get lost, too.

Do you realize it's been more than a year since we've talked? It seems like forever. So, I'm including my address to the room I have at this Inn. I know it looks a little funny, but the lady that works here assured me it was right and that the letter would get to me. If you don't like it, burn it. I'll understand. I just miss you. You can't blame me for wanting to hear from an old friend.

Zoe Day
Red Dragon Inn
Room #22
City of RhyDin

Zoe · Date: 2009-08-04 13:42 EST

When the raining stops,
There will be no rainbow.

PRESENT DAY

It was mid-afternoon when those red leather boots battered the porch steps of the Red Dragon Inn. She forced her slight frame against the front door and burst inside excitedly, the worn black leather guitar case rattling along in hand. There was barely anyone around, but she was used to that by now. This place didn't really get going until the night. She couldn't help but get a small thrill from the fact that she had been here long enough that she was forming habits of sorts while picking up on those of the people around her. The thought of habits made her glance towards the clock on the wall behind the bar as she approached it. She wondered if Jochin was still sleeping upstairs or if he had forced himself to rise for an early day, but the familiar cheery voice of the server stole her attention.

"Anything I can get you, Zoe?"

Pale blue eyes dropped to the woman's face and Zoe offered a friendly smile in return. "Nothing to drink, but I was wondering if you had any mail for me today?" Another habit she had formed. It felt like it had been ages since her last letter to Charity and she had never gotten one in return, but it didn't stop her from checking everyday. The woman lifted a finger and shuffled off towards the office with her usual quick quiet steps.

It was only a short while later when she returned with a single postcard in hand. Zoe's eyes widened in surprise that she had finally received something, but the woman's quizzical expression instantly made her nervous as well. "Something wrong?" Zoe asked cautiously.

"Well, I didn't see anything for Zoe Day, but you occupied room twenty-two until just recently, didn't you?"

Zoe simply nodded in reply.

"Then I'm not sure if this is for you or not, but we haven't gotten a new occupant in there yet." The woman shrugged and held the postcard out for Zoe to take.

The picture on the postcard was generic enough. A watercolor painting of a sprawling country home on a large chunk of land surrounded by trees. She then flipped it over, reading over the scratchy handwriting through ink blots and dirt. Her heart was instantly in her throat, the guitar case clattering loudly to the ground beside her when it slipped from her hand. Thoughts raced into her mind faster than she could process them.

Pack everything and go. Leave no trace behind. You're so stupid, Zoe. You really do deserve this. How could you be so dumb? Cocky little girl is going to get what's coming to her, about time. Run, fast and far. But what about Jochin?

Apart from her now shaking shoulders she didn't move. She could barely breathe. The woman behind the counter furrowed her brows and spoke in a soothing voice. "Are you okay, Zoe? You look like you just saw a ghost."

Zoe shook her head slowly, though it wasn't really in reply to the woman. Everything around her blurred together and buzzed. Her slight weight became too much for her knees now and they buckled underneath her causing her to drop to the ground. The woman gasped and ran out from behind the bar to her side, but Zoe barely paid her any mind. Her watery gaze was locked on the postcard that laid on the floor before her.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v254/CreepyBunny/rping/TonioPostcard.jpg