THE STORY OF THE SICK GORILLA
As told to Charna and Quel one night in the Inn
by Jim Africa
I was hired to be a guide for one of those old folks excursions. You know the kind - a senior citizen special. It was meant to give them that opportunity to do something that they always wanted to do in their lives but could never manage when they were younger. It was a tour of the "Dark Continent", a chance to visit the land of Tarzan, to stand when Johnny Weismuller stood. Yes, it was to be a dream come true. I tell you, I thought half of them were going to die on me the first day out! Never again will I do that kind of safari. Never!
There was one old couple on the tour by the names of Charles and Esther Finklestein. They were the most lovely couple you would ever want to meet. They were sweet as can be, but Charles was blind as a bat, and Esther couldn't hear a fog horn if it blasted two feet from her nose. They had come on the trip to enjoy Africa and live a lifelong dream.
It was unfortunate that the tour arrived in my camp at the time I was nursing a sick gorilla back to health. I kept him locked in a cage, and figured he was safe enough from being molested by all the old folks. I especially had to protect him from the grandmothers who wanted to overfeed him with too many bananas. They would keep telling him, "C'mon young man, eat like a good boy." To be witness to such a spectacle of mothering was humiliating for me, if not for the gorilla.
It was early in the safari and in the middle of the night when Charles needed to use the latrine. Evidently his kidneys or prostate, one or the other, were no longer working very well. He got up in the middle of the night and began to walk toward the latrine, but as I had mentioned, he couldn't see worth a damn.
Ol' Charles went to the gorilla cage thinking it was the latrine, and instead of opening the latrine door, he opened the door of the gorilla's cage. Evidently Charles thought he was pulling the latrine door closed behind him when he was actually opening the cage door. While he was standing there in a corner and trying to get his plumbing working, the gorilla bypasses him and slips out through the open door. Can't say I blame the gorilla very much. If Charles came into my tent I would have made a dash out of there pretty fast too!
Now you've got to understand, the gorilla is no fool. He remembered who was feeding him the bananas. While Charles is out peeing in the gorilla's cage, the gorilla goes into Charles' tent looking for his banana benefactor. Esther didn't have any bananas left in her tent and that was most unfortunate. The gorilla crawled up on the bed next to her and began to handle her, looking for any stray bananas that she might have on her person. Okay, so the gorilla wasn't an Einstein, but he was persistent.
Remember, Esther can barely hear a blessed thing. The gorilla is grunting and breathing on her neck and groping over her body, and all she can say is, "Charles, turn over and go to sleep. This is hardly the time or place."
Well, along about that time Charles returns from his "latrine duty." He just crawled back into the bed but noticed that he suddenly didn't have as much room in the bed as he did when he got up. He incorrectly surmised that Esther is getting amorous. You can guess what happened. Charles figured that being on Tarzan's home turf had put the libido back into Esther, and he began to put the once famous Finkelstein moves on my poor gorilla!
I think that the only thing that gave Charles the clue that something was wrong was the gorilla's breath! Gorilla breath is one thing you don't ever want to get close to. The screams that pierced the darkness that night would have made your blood curdle!
I reach for my rifle and flew out of my tent half naked. There, before me, was a parade coming out of the other tent -- first Esther, then Charles, then my gorilla! I don't know which of the three were more frightened. My first thought was that these old folks are pretty damn kinky!!
Well, it took me two hours to get the gorilla back in his cage. It took me another two hours to calm down Charles and Esther and by then the sun was coming up. The damnedest thing is, I think Esther bonded to my gorilla! The next morning she goes up to him, "Oh you poor dear...what did Charlie do to you?"
The senior citizens went on to Cape Horn, South Africa the following day, but I was left with a gorilla who now had post traumatic stress syndrome, and who needed months of counseling.
The end.
- - - -
As told to Charna and Quel one night in the Inn
by Jim Africa
I was hired to be a guide for one of those old folks excursions. You know the kind - a senior citizen special. It was meant to give them that opportunity to do something that they always wanted to do in their lives but could never manage when they were younger. It was a tour of the "Dark Continent", a chance to visit the land of Tarzan, to stand when Johnny Weismuller stood. Yes, it was to be a dream come true. I tell you, I thought half of them were going to die on me the first day out! Never again will I do that kind of safari. Never!
There was one old couple on the tour by the names of Charles and Esther Finklestein. They were the most lovely couple you would ever want to meet. They were sweet as can be, but Charles was blind as a bat, and Esther couldn't hear a fog horn if it blasted two feet from her nose. They had come on the trip to enjoy Africa and live a lifelong dream.
It was unfortunate that the tour arrived in my camp at the time I was nursing a sick gorilla back to health. I kept him locked in a cage, and figured he was safe enough from being molested by all the old folks. I especially had to protect him from the grandmothers who wanted to overfeed him with too many bananas. They would keep telling him, "C'mon young man, eat like a good boy." To be witness to such a spectacle of mothering was humiliating for me, if not for the gorilla.
It was early in the safari and in the middle of the night when Charles needed to use the latrine. Evidently his kidneys or prostate, one or the other, were no longer working very well. He got up in the middle of the night and began to walk toward the latrine, but as I had mentioned, he couldn't see worth a damn.
Ol' Charles went to the gorilla cage thinking it was the latrine, and instead of opening the latrine door, he opened the door of the gorilla's cage. Evidently Charles thought he was pulling the latrine door closed behind him when he was actually opening the cage door. While he was standing there in a corner and trying to get his plumbing working, the gorilla bypasses him and slips out through the open door. Can't say I blame the gorilla very much. If Charles came into my tent I would have made a dash out of there pretty fast too!
Now you've got to understand, the gorilla is no fool. He remembered who was feeding him the bananas. While Charles is out peeing in the gorilla's cage, the gorilla goes into Charles' tent looking for his banana benefactor. Esther didn't have any bananas left in her tent and that was most unfortunate. The gorilla crawled up on the bed next to her and began to handle her, looking for any stray bananas that she might have on her person. Okay, so the gorilla wasn't an Einstein, but he was persistent.
Remember, Esther can barely hear a blessed thing. The gorilla is grunting and breathing on her neck and groping over her body, and all she can say is, "Charles, turn over and go to sleep. This is hardly the time or place."
Well, along about that time Charles returns from his "latrine duty." He just crawled back into the bed but noticed that he suddenly didn't have as much room in the bed as he did when he got up. He incorrectly surmised that Esther is getting amorous. You can guess what happened. Charles figured that being on Tarzan's home turf had put the libido back into Esther, and he began to put the once famous Finkelstein moves on my poor gorilla!
I think that the only thing that gave Charles the clue that something was wrong was the gorilla's breath! Gorilla breath is one thing you don't ever want to get close to. The screams that pierced the darkness that night would have made your blood curdle!
I reach for my rifle and flew out of my tent half naked. There, before me, was a parade coming out of the other tent -- first Esther, then Charles, then my gorilla! I don't know which of the three were more frightened. My first thought was that these old folks are pretty damn kinky!!
Well, it took me two hours to get the gorilla back in his cage. It took me another two hours to calm down Charles and Esther and by then the sun was coming up. The damnedest thing is, I think Esther bonded to my gorilla! The next morning she goes up to him, "Oh you poor dear...what did Charlie do to you?"
The senior citizens went on to Cape Horn, South Africa the following day, but I was left with a gorilla who now had post traumatic stress syndrome, and who needed months of counseling.
The end.
- - - -