Erin was sitting at her desk, watching Bastian sleep. It was clear she hadn't slept. In her clothes from the day before, skin red and cracked from walking in the cold. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she was still crying, though she didn't seem to notice anymore. The light was streaming in a window and over her face, illuminating half of it. It was no later than 6am, yet she hadn't even noticed the clock go past four. Her breath caught in her throat when Bastian finally stirred.
He was off work for now; Dave didn?t want Sebastian getting pneumonia. It wasn?t that he was overly sick ? there was no fever, no headaches?none of that. Just a bad cough. It was so bad, at times, that it woke him from sleep. He tried to spend as much time away from the house that he could without acting suspicious. Ever since coming in that night, Erin looked at him funny. It bothered him. So, last night he?d gone to Cassie?s for the evening to meet her Aunt and soon to be Uncle. He had fun playing with his little cousins, he?d even managed to not cough all that much around the kids. Though, it didn?t seem as if Charlotte minded. ?Kids get sick all the time,? she had told him. He had even managed to talk to Dakota about guy stuff. It was nice. He didn?t feel so weighted down anymore. This morning, he seemed to be doing much better. He hadn?t woken up in quite a few hours and was finally rested up. So when his subconscious realized that there was someone crying, He immediately woke up. It was that link ? that bond he had with Erin. It was such a strong connection?or so he thought. Sebastian?s eyes fluttered open, moving lazily around the room to find the source of the tears.
"Erin? Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
"Hey." Erin paused a long moment, pursing her lips slightly. "I have to say something and I need you to listen, not to talk until I'm done, okay?" She paused again only long enough for him to nod, though she wasn't quite shure if he had. She was staring at the floor and her shuffling feet.
"Gideon kissed me last night.. I went to him to ask him to leave us alone and we talked about a lot of things.. the past, our past and.. I realized a lot last night. At first, perhaps, I was using you as a cructch to get over all of this: him, my jealousy, all the hurt and fear. Then.. when I was attacked you were all the strength I had. The last reason to be alive and I was sure I loved you. I didn't, then, I loved the idea of you. Someone who was never afraid, never walked... I needed to believe in you, in that. After that.. I don't know, you kept me strong and made me feel alive. I haven't felt alive in so long now... almost two years, really. I didn' t know that it was love and not a dependency until we were in that elevator. When I thought we may die, I was relieved to be with you. That it was you who would hold me in the end. But, I don't know how to do this.. love. And I keep ruining it. Almot like I want to. Now I know why.. I'm terrified you'll get to know me, the real me and walk away. That you'll relize I like being who I am, that I don't want to change, to kill the dark side, to be safe and calm. My dream is not to be normal. I detest normal. But, I want you there. I want you to hold me in my last moments, no matter when they are. And I know that I keep trying to change you, and I understand now that I was wrong. You and me, we need to to this, learn to accept each other... together."
She tosses him her diary.
"Read it. Every word. I want you to know every thought. How I thought of you at first, how it grew and changed into love. My fears... and the last entry. How I got to this point." She let out a long breath. "I'm goin to sit in the parlor. If you can forgive me, love me for who I am, mistakes and all... come get me. If not.. just leave. Let's forget this."
With that she stood and made for the door.
He was upstairs for nearly 3 hours in silence. No noise could be heard from up there what-so-ever. That?s because he had muffled his crying in her pillow. Even though he was so hurt and betrayed by her, the scent of her that clung to the pillow was soothing. After reading her diary, there really wasn?t much else he could do. Sorrow was the only emotion that could be displayed. Eventually, that sorrow was replaced with anger. Sebastian dug his duffel bag out from the closet and started shoving his things inside of it. Once it was full, he tossed it on the bed and went to retrieve her diary from the other side of the room where he?d thrown it. He tore out a blank page and proceeded to write.
That done, he then removed the necklace that held his wedding ring and clenched it and the letter tightly in one hand. With the other hand, he grabbed his bag, slung it over his shoulders and began to trudge downstairs; that slow, dreary walk of a man who had nothing else to live for.
As he entered the parlor, Erin would be able to tell he?d been crying and also that he was leaving, due to the bag. He approached her silently, looking as if he was trying his hardest to remain brave and tearless. Carefully, her hand was turned palm-side up and both the letter and necklace with the ring onto it.
Now it was his turn to head for the door. It clicked shut behind him with an ominous echo of finality.
There are a few ways to describe the end of a life. For Erin it was disintegration. She felt herself melt away as he placed the ring in her hand. Become as light as air and just cease to be. She hadn't even noticed the paper. No. Just the weight and chill of the gold was all she needed.
"Sebastian, please..." It was said to his back as he left the room, she heard the footsteps across the hall floor. Then the door. Did she know she had stood? Did she know she was running? It's hard to say, but she made her way to the steps of the house in barely seconds. Watching his back retreat down the walk.
"Bastian, wait." She wasn't sure if he would stop. Knew he wouldn't. So she just kept talking, taking the porch stairs at an alarming speed. "I can't live without you." No, too cliche... she backed up her brain, looking for something, anything to say... "I'm so sorry." That worked a little better. Bare feet were burning as she walked on snow covered pavement. "Stop. Just... look at me."
That was when she stopped walking. Let him walk away. Let him turn around. She couldn't drag him. She glanced down at the letter, was only about two hundred feet behind him. Skimming it, reading it.
Erin,
You can?t even begin to understand how much you?ve hurt me. I feel as if my heart has been torn from my chest and ripped to shreds. You wanna know the sick thing? I still love you. Even after knowing all that you just told me?my love overrides my anger and hatred. That?s what you wanted, right? For me to just forgive you, my wife, for kissing another man and liking it? Wanting it? Well you know what, Erin? That?s not going to happen this time. I?m not going to be a pushover. I?m not going to give in. I?m not going to let my emotions rule my actions any longer. You say you know what love is now, but I don?t think you do. How can I believe you? In your diary you contradict yourself so many times, like when you said that you?re not the kind of girl to get into meaningless relationships and you were saving sex for Love. And then a couple entries later you?re fucking Miles. Goddamnit, Erin?Miles?! I should?ve seen that, I guess. I can?t move on simply by your word that you love me now. All I had before was your word and that was obviously all bullshit, so how do you expect me to believe you now? I?m not perfect by any means, Erin?but you really fucked this up. No?I take that back ? I fucked up. I actually fell for you. I still love you, but you know what? I don?t want to anymore. It hurts too much to love you. I?m going to have to change that. So go on, Erin?go run to Gideon. Let him kiss you. Let him make you feel like I obviously never could...Like I wanted to...
"Bastian... you made me feel better than anyone." A whisper he almost definitely couldn't hear, "You made me feel real." And she dropped to the ground there on the sidewalk, in the snow, and began to bawl.
Bastian didn't stop. He didn't turn around. But she did make him cry.
He was off work for now; Dave didn?t want Sebastian getting pneumonia. It wasn?t that he was overly sick ? there was no fever, no headaches?none of that. Just a bad cough. It was so bad, at times, that it woke him from sleep. He tried to spend as much time away from the house that he could without acting suspicious. Ever since coming in that night, Erin looked at him funny. It bothered him. So, last night he?d gone to Cassie?s for the evening to meet her Aunt and soon to be Uncle. He had fun playing with his little cousins, he?d even managed to not cough all that much around the kids. Though, it didn?t seem as if Charlotte minded. ?Kids get sick all the time,? she had told him. He had even managed to talk to Dakota about guy stuff. It was nice. He didn?t feel so weighted down anymore. This morning, he seemed to be doing much better. He hadn?t woken up in quite a few hours and was finally rested up. So when his subconscious realized that there was someone crying, He immediately woke up. It was that link ? that bond he had with Erin. It was such a strong connection?or so he thought. Sebastian?s eyes fluttered open, moving lazily around the room to find the source of the tears.
"Erin? Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
"Hey." Erin paused a long moment, pursing her lips slightly. "I have to say something and I need you to listen, not to talk until I'm done, okay?" She paused again only long enough for him to nod, though she wasn't quite shure if he had. She was staring at the floor and her shuffling feet.
"Gideon kissed me last night.. I went to him to ask him to leave us alone and we talked about a lot of things.. the past, our past and.. I realized a lot last night. At first, perhaps, I was using you as a cructch to get over all of this: him, my jealousy, all the hurt and fear. Then.. when I was attacked you were all the strength I had. The last reason to be alive and I was sure I loved you. I didn't, then, I loved the idea of you. Someone who was never afraid, never walked... I needed to believe in you, in that. After that.. I don't know, you kept me strong and made me feel alive. I haven't felt alive in so long now... almost two years, really. I didn' t know that it was love and not a dependency until we were in that elevator. When I thought we may die, I was relieved to be with you. That it was you who would hold me in the end. But, I don't know how to do this.. love. And I keep ruining it. Almot like I want to. Now I know why.. I'm terrified you'll get to know me, the real me and walk away. That you'll relize I like being who I am, that I don't want to change, to kill the dark side, to be safe and calm. My dream is not to be normal. I detest normal. But, I want you there. I want you to hold me in my last moments, no matter when they are. And I know that I keep trying to change you, and I understand now that I was wrong. You and me, we need to to this, learn to accept each other... together."
She tosses him her diary.
"Read it. Every word. I want you to know every thought. How I thought of you at first, how it grew and changed into love. My fears... and the last entry. How I got to this point." She let out a long breath. "I'm goin to sit in the parlor. If you can forgive me, love me for who I am, mistakes and all... come get me. If not.. just leave. Let's forget this."
With that she stood and made for the door.
He was upstairs for nearly 3 hours in silence. No noise could be heard from up there what-so-ever. That?s because he had muffled his crying in her pillow. Even though he was so hurt and betrayed by her, the scent of her that clung to the pillow was soothing. After reading her diary, there really wasn?t much else he could do. Sorrow was the only emotion that could be displayed. Eventually, that sorrow was replaced with anger. Sebastian dug his duffel bag out from the closet and started shoving his things inside of it. Once it was full, he tossed it on the bed and went to retrieve her diary from the other side of the room where he?d thrown it. He tore out a blank page and proceeded to write.
That done, he then removed the necklace that held his wedding ring and clenched it and the letter tightly in one hand. With the other hand, he grabbed his bag, slung it over his shoulders and began to trudge downstairs; that slow, dreary walk of a man who had nothing else to live for.
As he entered the parlor, Erin would be able to tell he?d been crying and also that he was leaving, due to the bag. He approached her silently, looking as if he was trying his hardest to remain brave and tearless. Carefully, her hand was turned palm-side up and both the letter and necklace with the ring onto it.
Now it was his turn to head for the door. It clicked shut behind him with an ominous echo of finality.
There are a few ways to describe the end of a life. For Erin it was disintegration. She felt herself melt away as he placed the ring in her hand. Become as light as air and just cease to be. She hadn't even noticed the paper. No. Just the weight and chill of the gold was all she needed.
"Sebastian, please..." It was said to his back as he left the room, she heard the footsteps across the hall floor. Then the door. Did she know she had stood? Did she know she was running? It's hard to say, but she made her way to the steps of the house in barely seconds. Watching his back retreat down the walk.
"Bastian, wait." She wasn't sure if he would stop. Knew he wouldn't. So she just kept talking, taking the porch stairs at an alarming speed. "I can't live without you." No, too cliche... she backed up her brain, looking for something, anything to say... "I'm so sorry." That worked a little better. Bare feet were burning as she walked on snow covered pavement. "Stop. Just... look at me."
That was when she stopped walking. Let him walk away. Let him turn around. She couldn't drag him. She glanced down at the letter, was only about two hundred feet behind him. Skimming it, reading it.
Erin,
You can?t even begin to understand how much you?ve hurt me. I feel as if my heart has been torn from my chest and ripped to shreds. You wanna know the sick thing? I still love you. Even after knowing all that you just told me?my love overrides my anger and hatred. That?s what you wanted, right? For me to just forgive you, my wife, for kissing another man and liking it? Wanting it? Well you know what, Erin? That?s not going to happen this time. I?m not going to be a pushover. I?m not going to give in. I?m not going to let my emotions rule my actions any longer. You say you know what love is now, but I don?t think you do. How can I believe you? In your diary you contradict yourself so many times, like when you said that you?re not the kind of girl to get into meaningless relationships and you were saving sex for Love. And then a couple entries later you?re fucking Miles. Goddamnit, Erin?Miles?! I should?ve seen that, I guess. I can?t move on simply by your word that you love me now. All I had before was your word and that was obviously all bullshit, so how do you expect me to believe you now? I?m not perfect by any means, Erin?but you really fucked this up. No?I take that back ? I fucked up. I actually fell for you. I still love you, but you know what? I don?t want to anymore. It hurts too much to love you. I?m going to have to change that. So go on, Erin?go run to Gideon. Let him kiss you. Let him make you feel like I obviously never could...Like I wanted to...
"Bastian... you made me feel better than anyone." A whisper he almost definitely couldn't hear, "You made me feel real." And she dropped to the ground there on the sidewalk, in the snow, and began to bawl.
Bastian didn't stop. He didn't turn around. But she did make him cry.