Topic: Midnight musings.

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-10-08 15:34 EST
She awoke, eyes fluttering open. The room was dark, Miles and Sid long gone. Eyes roaming the room, moonlight accenting the mess that was her room. Bruised stomach gurgled, a hand resting just above her belly button. It only took a few seconds for her to stand and hurry as best as her broken body could, to that bathroom.

Head leaned on the toilette, she heaved, blood falling from her mouth. The concoction, blood mucus and anything else she had consumed that day, came pouring out of her. The heaving hurt, hands gripped on the toilette, knuckles white. Once her fit was over, she slumped back against the wall. Another moment or so and she started heaving again, this time sobs.

What was happening to her? It is true that she hadn't been shot before, or even truly beaten, but it wasn't the pain that was bothering her. No. It was the humiliation, partially. To be a ball of leaking flesh on the floor of the inn, to be at the mercy of others, to need magic to survive. But, what really bothered her was how out of control she was. She banged her head against the wall once.

Mortality wasn't something she had thought that much about. Sure, she had been a little gun happy a few times, and thought that seemed fun at the time, the ultimate power of it was new to her. She took a few breaths, long and ragged, before pulling herself to her feet again. Measured steps pulled her back to bed. Once in the comfort of her sheets she was able to think again.

Shaking, her eyes ran around the darkened room. What was she doing? Firmly she resolved herself not to be here again. Not to be a sniffling ball of blood, mucus and a source of pity. Gid thought she didn't want power? Yeah... well, now she certainly did. And it was the power to make other people piles of mucus. A smile crossed her bloodied mouth as she drifted off to sleep-- for good that time.

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-10-09 03:21 EST
Erin stood in front of the mirror. She was undressed, save her bra and panties. Slowly, but surely, she unwrapped the bandage that Wyh had fastened for her. The bruise, that used to be a bullet wound, that now was an infected mass of yellow and black, took up most of her torso. Gentle fingers prodded as she spread on the lotion that Jenai had so kindly given her. The mark, though terrible, made her smile. She had marked her flesh. True, it was a horrific experience that would not leave her head.. there was something old and accomplished about marking oneself for life; she knew it would scar.

No longer would she be milky white and perfect. No longer would she be a doll. Turning slowly to see each bruise, each unhealed cut, she laughed at her reflection. It was bitter, and happy and relieved. The constant attention, the constant offers of help both irritating and flattering her.

Erin sat on her bed, still facing the mirror. What had she become? The question was back in her mind for the hundredth time that day. No longer was she the play thing of Gideon, playing dumb or being dumb, whichever it may be. The past two days she had been flirtatious, seductive, manipulative, even. From her conversation with Howe to her dance with Miles to the strange yet fulfilling kiss with Thorm, she was a different beast, now. She needed a strategy now.

Green eyes boring into themselves as she stared in the mirror, the glint of her necklace, the diamond crown caught her eye. Lips curled into a coy smile. Yes, she would just continue on... train to be a tender, dote over Gid.. but also she would change, just a little. Char was right, she was in the Inner Circle now, and she would not let this go to waste; because this time, in this place, she felt like she belonged there.

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-10-10 01:49 EST
He was gone. Finally. She knew that she should want him around, should look forward to the moment when he appeared, or she should go look for him, but tonight she was just glad she had escaped unscathed.

He was so angry.

So mad that she was hurt; that she almost died. She couldn't understand. It wasn't her fault... she didn't put the bullet in her chest, or even shoot first. None of it was her choice, and she sure didn't feel particularly happy about it. But the way he looked at her... as if she was packing her bags and walking away from him. On purpose.

The way his hands touched her stomach, gently, but also with a hint of revulsion. A hint of anger. Erin couldn't comprehend just what he was thinking. And the poem! It was just baffling to her. But also endearing. She wanted him more, wanted to pin him down, get him to say those words which she had been carefully holding back on in hopes that she would not have to say them first. But his smile and laugh just sidestepped it every-time. She was beginning to lose hope.

She shook her head, replaying the night.. the way Jewell looked at him and him at her. How roughly she leaned in, and perhaps whispered, perhaps not, how protective and territorial both of them seemed. And somehow she didn't matter at all in it. Or she didn't feel like she did.

With a sigh she walked to her bedtable, her gait slower than it had been, more labored. She was getting sicker. She knew that. But she just kept lying about it, hiding it. Unsure why, really, other than she didn't want to admit that she was as weak as to still be hurt after so much healing and care. Hands slipped open the bottle, and the painkiller was downed. Another reach and down went an antibiotic. Bypassing the bed, she headed straight to the bathroom, and her bathtub, filled with cool water. She slid in, and closed her eyes.

Her soft whisper to the empty bathroom as she waited for the pills to kick in... for sleep to come... "Please, let him not be angry anymore. Please, let this fever break. Please, let him love me."

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-10-15 05:25 EST
She was back in front of the mirror. Another ruined and tattered dress, this time of her own hand. She just stared at herself... eyes running from top to bottom. Shit... what was she doing? A shaking hand ran through her hair. Her day had started so well... a trip to the spa with Amthy.. afternoon in the inn just being silly.. and then that great conversation with Thorm...

....but the fight. The words thrown about, the swords and injuries... she was in a world she didn't understand. Grudges and friendships she had never been involved with before. Yes, it was nice to have more friends, but now it was so complicated.. What Shylah had said to her...

Was she married? She had always considered herself single. Even when she was in his house, in his bed.. it was never legitimate for her. It was never real. When she left, it was just the next step. She was old enough, wise enough.. and had found that portal. Yes, without it she would have stayed.. but...

It spoke to what Gideon had said to her. Called her selfish and stupid and arrogant. Could she not be pleased? Was it her fault to begin with? He was right about her. She did want love. And had found it, had seen a glimmer of it just to dash it against the wall. Throw it at him. However, he never would accept it, accept her. She was his doll.... Her mouth opened and she just screamed, the noise echoing off her walls and into the empty inn bellow. She didn't care if she woke the other guests. She was just so angry.

A sharp turn and Erin picked up a book, it was hurled at the mirror and bounced to the floor with a crash. Bottles and tubes, makeup and lotions were then swept to the floor. The clamor.. the noise. Yes, she would awake the dead. Another scream as she threw herself on the floor. It was so clear that she was still a child, still thrashing herself against the bars of her cage. Heaving sobs wracked her body , hands beat the floor. Soon she pulled herself to her feet to turn back to the mirror.

Green eyes pierced into her visage. Yes, it was clear now... she needed to *do* something. She needed a plan. The first order of business- no more flirting, kissing or any of that. It was only getting her labeled a slut. That wasn't what she wanted. True, she was here to discover herself, but it was soon clear that she was not *that* woman. The other woman. No. Second-- She was going to legally take care of her marriage. IT was time to get it annulled. She had never borne a male heir. IN fact, it was commonly thought in England she was infertile. The miscarriages said that. It would just take a few papers, a seat at a bargaining table.. yes, she had to see Howe. And third- she would try to make things right with Gideon. Not get him back, that was beyond her control, but to make it so they could talk, be in the room... so he knew she wasn't what he thought of her.

A long heaving sigh as she looked at herself. "Yes... I promise... I will make this right." She stared herself down. "I *will* make an honest woman of herself. A slow turn to regard her now trashed room. She stood in the mess, how it mirrored her life... and waited to see if anyone she had awoken would knock on her door.


((If your character lives, or was asleep in the Inn that night, feel free to have them come and knock on Erin's door.))

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-10-16 14:44 EST
This wasn't right. It wasn't fair. Erin, after spending most of the night drunkenly passed out on the couch in the RDI, was now back in her room. Droopy eyelids examined herself, again, in the mirror. Another good day complicated... though she wouldn't say ruined.

Miles Vincent was dead. She was sure of that. The images in her head of taking out his liver with her bare hands still brought too much comfort to pass up. Her lips curled in a self satisfying smile. Yes, this was his fault.. not at all hers. In her mind she bore little responsibility for the brouhaha that had occurred that afternoon. She wasn't ready for it, she wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared for the confessions she was forced to make. Sure, she liked Grem... the way she behaved around him, the almost casual flirtation and conversation... it was a relationship with a man she had never before experienced. He didn't see her as a conquest and she returned the favor.

But Miles had turned into something different.. something immediate and desperate, something necessary for her happiness. And she wasn't sure it was. She liked the warm silly feeling of her crush, but just wasn't ready for the deep emotional attachment that would come with a next step. She was still reeling from Gideon.. her first love of sorts, if that was what you could call it. And she just wasn't ready to take chances, to be judged... Rejection was not a luxury she currently could afford.

Then what made her behave to rashly with the kiss? To make it so public and bombastic... something that was just an embarrassing blip in an otherwise normal day... Miles said it was to keep bridges from being burned, but she felt that perhaps it was the opposite. That by acting out and behaving in that childish and silly way, she was trying to scare him off before he could reject her. Turn his back and walk away when there was real investment there. Gideon always accused her of not wanting to be happy... and before, perhaps, that wasn't the case. But now it seemed that she was so scared and so guarded that chances were no longer in her vocabulary.

And that Gideon had seen it... her outburst, the ridiculous of it, was only going to make things worse. How could she explain to the man that refused her so recently what was going on in her head? And he always had dismissed it anyway. Laughed it off, or crinkled his nose at it. To him she shouldn't have been as complicated as she was... it was starting to become clear to her that he really only wanted power, influence and pleasure. There was something in her that wanted more. Perhaps it was all about love, or acceptance, or the obtaining of a position and understanding for herself. She needed to answers to things that he had never seen.

Erin sighed as she dropped back into her bed. Had today been for the better or the worse? She wasn't sure yet... but it did signal that she had to act now on her plan, or risk never acting at all. And then the decision was made. As soon as plans could be arranged she was leaving. She was going home. Was it for good? Was it for a visit? That she hadn't worked out yet.. but she was leaving. And soon.

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-10-17 22:06 EST
Erin kicked her suitcase. Really kicked it. She was completely at peace.. ready to leave and get her life in order. And who came along and ruined it, yet again, Gideon. She let out a long sigh, eyes glancing around her neatly kept room. That?s it.. she was leaving. Never coming back. Erin Dunbridge was done.

The way he had looked at her? ?Love you too, Erin? bullshit. The smile and those stupid sunglasses. He was going to ruin her. Rip her to shreds, bit by bit swallow every last piece. It was time to go. He kissed her by force. His hands were around her neck. The great Gideon had to reassert his power over a waif like her? This really was it?

She had messed up two lives now. Did she really have the energy to fix both? Erin knew she had promised Brian that she would be back in a week. She knew he intended to come for her. But would he notice? Would he remember come the end of the week? Could he even find her in a place as crowded and complicated as London? She went back to chewing on her bottom lip.

There was a nagging voice.. over and over in her head. What Grem had said. ?For now.? She knew when she said goodbye she hadn?t made up her mind? but had he? Was that a communication, a please? Or just a quip among friends? Yes? for now? She didn?t want to leave when things weren?t quite right with the, didn?t want him to think it was his reaction that drove her off. But? it wasn?t worth the pain, not at this stage. And in the past week, the pain had been considerable. She turned to stare in the mirror. No, her mind was not quite made up? for now.

((This was origionally posted last night and ahead of the Long Journey Home thread. Please reguard it that way.))