With a yawn, barefoot Everett opened the door of room two-oh and stepped into the hallway, heading for the stairs. He had terrible cottonmouth and nothing to drink. Past the SME he traipsed, a little yawny sound as he spoke to her quietly. Spectacles magnified brown eyes that were puffy with sleep. Hello Erin. Right on past her and to the stairs and then down. Erin gasped, as if he could tell what she was doing there in the hallway and just watched him walk past with an open mouth. Eyes darting to see if either were to return... but it seemed not.

Erin muttered quietly between herself and the door. Crap, crap, crap. She knew she was waiting. It was terrible, it was bad. She fumbled with the lock in her door for a moment, but was drunk and angry, mostly at herself. Damnit. Bloody hell. Another push, frantic even. Now she was scared Chi would return and find her in the hallway. Scared she'd let him in.

Everett grabbed a few of those strange bottles that hold the water. Plastic? Yes. That stuff. He trudged back up again, to pass her. Everett stops. Frowns. Scratches his head. Erin, do you need something? A boyish cant of the head, concern clear (though still muddy from that blasted fatigue).

I'm drunk and there was a boy here and now I can't get the door open and Leslie is mad at me, and I'm falling apart again... shit, shit, shit. She looks up and the door isn't hers. A long sigh, her head hangs a bit as she takes the key back and starts shuffling down to the next door.

Gently. Unassuming, just helpful. The Everett way. Erin... He moved to lean on the wall beside where she fought with her own door. ...please drink some water before you go to sleep so that you do not feel exceptionally horrific in the morning. He extended one of the waterbottles he had appropriated.

Erin takes the water, looking down at it. Glassy eyes look back up at him, and she shakes her head, a tear falling. I am such a horrible person, Everett. I do nothing but make people worry about me. And they have reason to! Look at me! I'm drunk in the hallway and I can't even open my door... and if the nexus hadn't... bloody hell. I don't know why any of you bother anymore. She cracks open the bottle to take a long sip. Please don't tell Lydia. That sounded like begging.

Erin... A long-suffering sigh then, as only a man who had long played this role can emit. Visions of Warwick dance in his head. He adjusted his glasses and leaned closer. Be honest. Do I strike you as the sort of person who cares for horrible people? His brown eyes opened and found her, patient bows both raised above the rims of his spectacles.

Oh, don't play that with me. Jesus. She took another sip, getting a little angry now. Of course you don't, and of course you'll tell me I'm fine and send me to bed. I know.. but, tomorrow you'll never look at me the same way. She leaned in and for a moment it seemed she may kiss him. Perhaps she was going to. To prove to herself she was as bad as she thought, but she either thought better of it or lost her nerve. It didn't matter, she couldn't prove the point and ended up slumped back against the door. A shake of her head, another sip of water. Crap. I don't know why I can't just make myself be happy. I've never tried so hard at anything, and it always ends up here again.

For that moment, he was admittedly a little terrified, and happy for the height advantage. Still, valorous despite the rather unsavory situation, he moved nearer and leaned beside her, sipping his own water. I do not care for horrible people. I do not think you are fine, in fact, nor do I think that you ought to be. Tomorrow I shall still look on you as my dear friend, and may I be struck dead where I stand if that is a lie. A sigh, and he draped an arm companionably over her shoulder, if she would allow it. He did not pity this woman, though he cared for her, and he would stand out there until she would believe him, despite that it was keeping him from a lovely warm bed. Look, you ask too much of yourself. You are not supposed to be happy today. As I understand things, you are supposed to give yourself some time to be miserable and wrench it straight from your humors that you might make room for all that is new and good in the world. I will tell you, between you and I... Perhaps it was camraderie, and perhaps it was because she was so bloody drunk. He leaned a little closer to share some portion of his secret in a quiet voice. Always discreet. ...this time, here, these months. This is my time to be miserable, too, and maybe one day when I have given it time to pass, there will room in my heart, in my soul, for all that is better. And then he leaned a bit away and took another long sip of water.

Oh god... And she started to cry. Really she hadn't done that yet, had played the whole thing off as fine, as her being better and silly and ridiculous. HIs words, though, his touch, and the time at which he found her in the hall mixed with alcohol.. He left, Everett. And I don't even know where he is... I promised I'd wait, but I don't know how long and I just... I don't know what to do with myself. The poor playwrite's shirt was sudenly getting used as a hankerchief. I am miserable. A pause and she looked up at him. But you are so much more graceful than I am. God.... how can you be so strong..? I would.... what I would give to take misery as you seem to... instead of tossing myself to the wind over and over again.

Everett let out a wry little laugh, not at her, but at the terrible hopelessness of their ridiculous situations. He wrapped the poor little thing up and started to rock. His mother had taught him that. It is much easier to carry yourself with grace when nobody knows why you are miserable, or even that you are. I have it a great deal easier than you do, and you know that. Another big sigh for both their benefits. Come, let us get out of the hallway. We cannot have someone unsavory walking past. Do you want my company? Or would you prefer to be alone? Rocking all the while, his eyes a little sad. Not pity. Never pity. Terrible camraderie. The heart doth bleed.

I'd like you to stay. Said in sniffles and stutters. She was so tired of being alone. Maybe that's why she almost let the man break her down. That and the promise of feeling something other than what seemed to be emptiness eating at her. I love you, you know. And it was said in a way that was clearly unromantic. As if said to Lydia. The rocking was nice and calming and her sobbing was coming to an end. If I believed in such things, I'd say we knew each other before we met... you've always known what to say. Though, it may be because you're hiding all the same inside of you... and it's just what you wish someone would say... A sudden realization, and she looked up at him, a bit wide eyed. Have I been terrible not to notice?

And I you, you mad thing. He actually used his shirt to wipe her tears. Her worries smacked of drunkeness to him, though in vino veritas. He got her door opened and ushered them in. No, no. I want no one to know, and you would do me a disservice to behave other than you do. Now, let us speak of literature or nature or something soothing until you can no longer keep your eyes open. We need not bleed the follies of our misery all over one another. Let us just be good friends, and good company to one another.

Erin nodded. Her moment to fall apart was more than she could afford anyway. She would stay clothed, completely and slide up on the bed to make room for him. There was another one, and some chairs, but the proximity was nice, and she was hoping they'd keep it. Her ideas of closeness and touching not at all motivated by sex. Though, it was probably sad for the poor Everett, surrounded by girls all the time... She would follow his lead, talk as if she were more sober than she were, and start to show less and less of the signs of madness that had poured out in the hallway. Miracle, how that happens... and so often, too.

Everett would sit up beside her, talking and listening, just waiting for her to sleep. Doubtful he would sleep at all, though if he did, it would be snoozing in a decidely seated position. This little sister of his maybe just needed someone to listen, to not take her at face value, to worry without pity, and to aide without judgement. Everett was sure he could do that. After all, he had nursed his brothers through a broken heart or two. Maybe helping a friend would help his a little, too.

How long would she let it go before the little voice in her head took over? Clearly it was more than a few seconds, because she hadn't pulled away yet. In fact, her hands ended up on his hips again and she was holding herself upright. He smiled and kissed the corner of her mouth before reaching up to move an unruly strand of hair from her eyes.

That wasn't so bad. The whispering tones returned. Erin actually smiled, her head dipping a little as her cheeks colored. Thoughts in her head were bad, dangerous, and quickly disallowed. She wet her lips, a nervous habit to calm nerves, keep the pounding from her ears. He chuckled and slipped his arms around her, drawing her neatly against him.

I'm really not all briars and poison you know?

Erin snuggled in, laughing a bit, and shaking her head. I'm not sure yet. A long pause, she was unsure of what to say, of what was really going on. Finally, she took a step into boiling water. Her voice was shakey and quiet into his chest. Do I remind you of her?

No, you're much to sweet and unstable. He teased She was callous, selfish and cold. He shrugged against her And she had more pride and self confidence than myself, Gideon, Alain and Cass all bundled together. I'm glad you don't remind me of her.

You're not as proud as you seem, or you would not have taken a second go. Not have forgiven my trepidation. You're not much different than me, there... perhaps you need to be needed just as much as you need. She was sober and could think straight. Erin wasn't stupid. She often didn't make such proclamations, but today she was stripped bare and didn't much mind.

Well there you go - I suppose we're all of us damaged goods in one way or another. And I am that proud - I'm just not that arrogant or uncaring.

I believe that. She shifted her weight to be more comfortable, still pressed against his chest. She liked the smell of him-- a days work, wood and leather. Her eyes closed. Did you find what you were looking for? In the kiss?

I'm glad that I didn't or else I'd have no need kiss you again and search further. He tickled her. Erin was highly tickilish and started squirming immediately. She tugged back, laughing in a high bell-like way.

Hey now! No one said you got another chance. Though it rang a little untrue. The smile on her face a dead giveaway. I don't just walk around kissing strange tradesmen. A ghost of a wink.

It's a good thing I'm not strange then. He caught her and tickled a bit more. And - thus far I'm merely an out of work leatherworker. So.... you're in trouble either way.

She puled back, trying to grab his hands to stop the tickling. A bit of a pout and then she suddenly got serious, looking up with those almost greens, close in color to his own. Look... I'm just going to be honest here and say that if that... is ever going to happen again... There needs to be rules.

Mmmhmm He nodded in patronizing sincerity Of course...rules...absolutely.

Stop it, I'm serious. She was smirking, a little swat to his arm. Never ever in public.

Never what in public? His eyebrows were raised.

Kissing, tickling... I don't know, this. She was worried and not sure how to breach the subject. Whatever it is.

Ok...care to expound?

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce.. I'm the target of a gossip freak... I just... I don't know. A shrug and a step away. I shouldn't be doing this at all.

Hey... He pulls her back..gently. Stop telling yourself that it's already ended in a mess before it ever began.

I'm not ready to be begining anything... that's the mess. A bit of a half smile, looking up with her eyes, head still slightly angled downward.

Then we can pretend it's nothing but with perks. He lifted her chin and kissed her again to prove his point. It wasn't as chaste and gentle as the last - a bit more emphasis on her lower lip as he pulled her back against him She smiled, sighed a little. Enjoyed it. And secretly berated herself. The fight in her head? Totally astounding.

Rule two, then... don't fall in love with me. She leaned in as if to take another kiss from him, but paused for a moment. The fight in her head!

Fine. And rule number three? He was still grinning and he took the kiss while she hesitated.

She knew this one was a bit negotiable. Or even a deal breaker. But she shrugged as if he had already replied and then gave him a sly little smirk. Clothes stay on.

Like hell they do. He was smiling...it's more boyish grin than smile really. He leaned back a very deliberately undressed her with his eyes.

Hey! Her eyes got wide and she swatted at him again. A lopsided grin and a touch of a smirk. You want a girl to bed, there's plenty. I'm not that girl. It'll take a lot more than a few sweet words to get my clothes off.

I'm well aware of what it takes to coerce a willing yet morally restricted woman into my bed sweetheart. His grin was wicked and his eyes twinkled with mirth. And if you were "that girl" I'd have already had my way with you and would not be sneaking kisses in the alley like a lovesick schoolboy.

Her fight was coming back, the facade of Erin reappearing. Is it worth it? All this work for you? Cause, honestly, Cass has better legs. She was goading him now. And Amalia... she's sweeter than me. Gooder. I'm just a crazy mess of a girl. He laughed, not at her but how ludicrous the entire situation was and how much truth there was in what she'd said.

I asked you a question. She put a hand on her hip and gave him a full smirk.

But guess what, there isn't any scorecard tht I can see? You asked quite a few questions and the answer is yes to all of the ones that I can recall.

What are you after, then? With all this work? She pushed some hair out of her face What am I getting into? She was kidding, sorta, but also serious. Dancing around the point and the decision she already seemed to have make. really, she was being a pain in the ass.

Taking notes now? Or are you interviewing me for the Oracle? He smirked How about you stop predicting mayhem and disaster and enjoy it, rain and all?

I'm scared of disaster. But she was smiling. And scared of your motives. A touch of a shrug. You can crush me, we both know it.

I think you just like making me into an evil villain. It turns your nonlesbian side on. ::He grinned and stole another kiss. I'm for a much needed shower and unless you'd care to join me... He teased and waited for the dramatic look of shock or at least the berating that would follow.

Clothes on. A playful snicker and a wave of her finger. The grin stayed lopsided, she enjoyed the kiss. And then a fall back and away. Any rules for me, shower boy?

The majority of my rules counter the ones that you're trying to lay down. I think we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Chi, really, the only truly important one is the first.... She tugged on his arm a little, and stepped away, to let him go.

That's good because I know for a fact the last one won't stick. He was kidding, sort of...He made to leave then turned at the last moment. I'd almost forgotten. He fished around in his pack and came up with brown paper package. For your fresh start and all. He didn't wait for her to open it, just pushed it into her hands and dissappeared around the corner and up the stairs.

Crap. An under her breath mutter. Because, well, what he had left in her hands? She loved. This was bad, really bad, and she spent a long time leaned against the wall before she went inside herself.

Erin hadn't slept much at all. She spent the night dozing in and out, really. Every once and awhile she'd check his breathing, his pulse, his skin. She wasn't really worried, she'd been drunker herself-- but if she kept checking than she had a reason to be there. And god knew she needed a reason to be there. Her breathing was shallow, her mind racing. The thoughts from earlier popping back up. Over and over. Were they jointly using each other? Was this more? And what the hell had she been thinking in the first place?

Her mind moved to Sebastian, it always did. And as she was lying there in Chi's arms, worrying for his life that wasn't in danger, she wondered what he would do if he knew. Part of her hoped he would cry. And that was what worried her. That she was being calculating, cruel, heartless. That she was being the girl that hurt this man with his arms around her. That he was wrong about her.

The sun was up. Just barely. And Chi was moving. She felt it. Quickly, and without motion, she closed her eyes. Pretended to be sleeping. She wasn't sure what he was going to do, say. What he remembered. But she knew that she wasn't ready to start the conversation. She wasn't ready to talk at all. She wet her lips and waited.

To say that she wasn't disappointed when he left her there in the faint morning light would have been a lie. She was. Despite her second rule, Erin had a faint hope that he would love her. That he would see something in her she had missed in herself. That he could make her whole again. That she could be the woman she was meant to be; the sister she was meant to be; maybe even the wife she was supposed to be. Someday.

The door closed behind him, and she let out a long sigh. Her eyes opened again, and she sat up in his bed. Her eyes took in his room, his things, how he lived. Without as much as a yawn, Erin stood. His shift discarded, her clothes replaced, she slid out into the hallway. It was a few short steps to her room. Her bed.

A few hours of fitful sleep before work. A few hours to think of what she would tell her sister. A few hours before her real life kicked back in.

Kind of... he said he wanted a divorce, but then I wrote him a letter and he said he'd just go away for awhile and he wanted me to wait, and now I'm... I don't know what I'm doing and I should have never told Lydia because I knew she'd get mad, I wanted her to get mad, and I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Puff, puff, puff. That entire diatribe was mumbled, mostly to herself, though he probably could hear it quite well.

And just like that his little hope and happiness was smashed...again. Dark brows drew together in concern as he watched her, his arms crossing slowly over his chest. Erin. Look... I know you don't give an ass's rat what I think. But you deserve better then that stupid boy can give you. He held up his hands in defense. I know, I know... I wasn't the ideal lover either... but that's why we aren't...us. He sighed and crossed his arms again, watching her critically.

Look at yourself... He reached out and took her by the shoulder only to guide her to the plate glass window beside them where her reflection shone. He stood behind her and bent, looking over her shoulder as he had that first day they met, when he'd bought her all the lovely dresses. Look... remember what you used to look like? Remember how you were? He tucked a strand of hair back behind her ear and drew away slightly. I can barely recall it myself.

God. She sighed, exasperated. I can't... I can't take any more advice about this. Stay with him, don't stay with him, love him, don't love him, kiss random men in alleys, be a terrible sister and friend, hurt, don't hurt... I just... I want... God, I want to be able to mess my life up and not have.... how I was? I was reckless and worried my sister.. I was terrible and... now I'm back where I.. and I don't know why I... or what to... God. She'd finished the cigarette. Too fast. And a little dizzy. She had started pacing though, as she talked. Clearly she wasn't ready to say things out loud. He'd prematurely struck a chord that wasn't set in its note yet.

Gideon drew back and let her indulge in her maniacal ramblings and pacing. Christ but she was nearly unhinged. He shook his head and rolled his eyes as he turned away and then shifted back, impatient with this old routine. What do you want, Erin? You're surrounded by people who care for you, who want the best. Yeah you get told what to do, because you seem to be excellent at choosing the thing that is the very worst for you. He grabbed the cigarette butt from her hand. Smoking. Sebastian. ME. He ticked them off the list and threw the butt away. What is a friend supposed to do, Erin? Please. Tell me. You don't have to take my advice...god knows you never do... but dammit you will hear it.

He sighed and ran a hand back through his hair. You want an answer instead of advice? Stop being everyone else's Erin and just be Pidgeon. Alright? Just be you. Fuck the rest of them... and me too.

Erin blinked and blinked again and finally, Erin could cry. It wasn't loud or sobbing or anything even close to that. It was just a tear or two sliding down her inkstained face. But when I'm me I just hurt people. It was barely audible. A simple mumble. I hurt people. I hurt you and I hurt Lydia and I hurt Sebastian and Alain...

He sighed again and withdrew the handkerchief once more, offering it to her. We all hurt people, Erin. They forgive us though. You aren't perfect, even if you are a princess. This said with a small smile. You're letting everyone else hurt you instead... and you aren't nearly strong enough for that.

Don't call me that... Erin sighed and leaned back against a lamppost. It was just a sigh of words. I just want to make it right, Gideon. Everything I've done. What I've done to you, and to Lydia and to Sebastian... I've torn her up inside and I don't know how to fix it... I... I am reckless and... why? Why do I do it? Why do I pander for attention and step on toes and... you know me better than almost anyone... can you tell me? That last part a little maniacal again.

That gave him a second's pause, but after he's thought it through he stepped closer to her again and ran his fingertips over the curve of her cheek before cupping her chin with them and lifting it. Because there's something inside you that's missing. And it's a big sucking hole, Erin. I don't know what made it, but you do. Pale, icy eyes gazed down at her in all seriousness. You can't fix things, but you could fix yourself, if you try.

One hand gripped the handkerchief and the other his arm and Erin started crying anew. She nodded. Erin knew what it was.. the hole that was killing her life. She stood there for a long minute and then a single sob escaped. My baby. It's my baby.. and nothing I do can pull me out of...even coming here didn't... Well Gideon was damned if he knew what that meant but this was the most distressed he'd ever seen Erin, bar none. He reached out and drew her towards himself, nestling her against him, both arms around her like protective walls. He held her silently and let her go, his chin resting against the top of her head as he rubbed her back lightly. Erin let herself cry for a few minutes at least. She let him hold her. Really, was it that strange? He always seemed to be the one putting her pieces together. She was taking the time to put herself back together, but of all fights she'd ever had, this one with Lydia was the most distressing. Most relationships Erin was prepared for this kind of friction, but not the one with her sister.

Thank you. She added quietly as they ambled along. You may hate me at times, Gideon, but you have never truly judged me.

Gideon?s smile was tight, slightly embarrassed. Never, ever before had Erin thanked him for anything. Unsure, really, how to react he just glanced away, watching the crowds passing them by. You're welcome, Erin. Just do me a favor and think about what I said...about Bastian.

I will... She paused, shrugging just a little. It's hard to give up someone that loves you, though, Gideon. It's so rare to find... especially around here.

I don't think he loves you Erin. He said quietly, giving her a little glance. Why do you think I hate him so much? It's not bloody jealousy I can tell you that.


He says he does... She looked up at him, reaching for one of his hands suddenly, as she walked. I don't have any reason not to believe him...

Gideon gave her his hand and turned to walk with her again, his fingers curling between her own. Don't you?

I demand much of him, and he doesn't demand much from me. He's there when I go to sleep and when I get up... She smiled a touch. I don't know. Her thumb was rubbing gently on the back of his hand. I questioned him so many times about it, that he finally broke down and left. I don't know why I couldn't just believe him.

You'll excuse me, Erin but that's utter tripe. He replied, guiding her past a break in the cobblestones and a rather large puddle Sebastian's a little boy. He always has been and he always will be. I suspect your wedding night was his first time, even! A joke but he had no idea how right he was. He's a jealous fiend...almost ridiculously so. And I've seen the way he jerks you around in the Inn... tell me, is there a single day that goes by where he doesn?t have some manner of foolish order to give you? 'Do this, Don't do this, Be this way...' He imitated Bastian's voice with a foppish pitch. If he made you happy Erin you wouldn't have to change.

Her eyes closed and then opened again and she nodded a touch. You're right. A pause. You're right. If he made me happy... if he loved me, if I loved him, if things worked... then I wouldn't have been in Chi's bed last night. God, it felt so good to be held, Gideon, by a man that didn't know yet... how damaged I am. She shook her head. Do you think, Gideon, honestly, that I can do better than Sebastian? That someone would love me more? As I am? I often think not.

I do. I always have. He confirmed simply. It was the truth, his truth and he's been shouting it from the rooftops since the day Erin had introduced him and Sebastian. Not for jealousy or greed or spite as everyone always assumed were his motives. He had loved Erin once, and pushed her away because of his own dark secrets. But he knew what she deserved was better than Bastian could ever offer, and it drove him mad that she'd settled for the fool, perhaps because of how cruel he himself had been to her.::

Erin gave his hand a squeeze, tears in her eyes again. She tilted her head a moment and then laughed a little wry laugh. You couldn't. Her head shook a touch with the memory. If I leave him, do you think I can avoid becoming Cass? What I wouldn't give for a happy medium... not sad, but not too... over the top.

He laughed at that and returned the squeeze. God I hope so. I don't think Rhy'din could handle another Cass. He smiled down at her and stopped once more. That's what everyone is looking for, isn't it? He leaned forward and gave her forehead a kiss before he let go of her hand. I have to go, Erin. You can walk the rest of the way by yourself.

I can. She smiled and nodded, sticking her hands in her pockets again. Thanks again. I think if I hadn't run into you... well, I don't know what I would have done, but it may have been bad. Irreparably bad. A bit of a one shouldered shrug.

He gave her a sympathetic smile over his shoulder. He'd come darn close before, himself. A little wave over his shoulder and he started in the opposite direction. Cup of tea and a stiff upper lip, luv!

Erin laughed and kept on her way home. A lighter step and a higher head. She could write now! And really, that's what was important.::

Erin's eyes just closed. It was like she thought she could just dissapear if she couldn't see him. She stayed like that a long moment. Gideon had torn the hole in her wide open and she was unable to even begin closing it. And that was how this happened. After a long moment, she opened her eyes again. They were almost green in the light, and her pupils seemed dialated. She looked at him again. Straight at him. It would be haunting, really, if Erin weren't Erin. She wet her lips, her hands got ice cold. Yes. Something happened to me a couple of years ago... Or I guess it started happening to me a couple of years ago... She couldn't look away, but it hurt not to, and she was pressing herself back into the booth. I was married once before.... She wasn't done, just putting sentences in order.

I guess I was kind of important. That was a lie and they both knew it. She fidgeted again, the non held hand starting to shake. I don't know... I was happy, I guess. Like, really. I was okay. Life wasn't what I wanted it to be, but it wasn't bad, you know? She shrugged, a half hearted smile to boot. I had time. To make it all right, fix the little things. It was all little things... He loved me, I think... and I could have loved him... I think I could have. I wanted to. I was...god...eighteen, and he was almost twenty five. It was so stupid and silly, but our parents were all so happy. Really happy.... Alain's other hand moves now. Frowns have turned to sympathy. He hates nobility, but he can see there's something else to her pain. His other hand moves to close over hers, to stop it shaking, fingertips curling over hers.

And things went along fine for a year or so. And I got pregnant. Which wasn't bad, I wasn't upset.. I was really excited about it, actualy... the first time. God.. my mother... she was really cute. Erin's eyes seemed kinda far off in remembering, smiling even. So sure it was a girl. Didn't care that it should have been a boy, you know? It was better if it was a boy... heirs and stuff. And there's a bit of a hint to that. Yeah, not nobility, royalty. I didn't much mind. It was a couple of months the first time. Nothing too major. It wasn't really that traumatic when it happened. Just blood. A lot of blood, but nothing terrible... it hurt.. of course it hurt.. and that's when i stopped sleeping, really. I don't know... my mother didn't know what to do with me. I think it hurt her too much to see it. She had a couple herself.. and we just knitted. Everyday before they sent me to the hospital.. and then when I got back. But the second time... She realized she'd been going on forever and just shook her head a touch. You don't need to hear all this. I'm sorry.

He's watching her intensely now... and then squeezes her hands, gently. ...Go on. She's royalty... and she miscarried. Maybe some of them do have it rough after all...? Alain's world is getting a little rocked right now, though certainly not nearly as hard as hers.

....okay... Erin was rearranging her thoughts again. Putting them in a way she could make him understand, or at least follow. It was the newspapers, I think, that really got me. The second time. After the first one it was sympathy. Roses and cards, calls from embassies, stupid things, really. But the second one... the press just latched on to me. I was pregnant for awhile, you know... round even. She hadn't even noticed that she was crying. It had just started. Tears smearing ink, smearing makeup. It was a girl that time. I knew already, I wanted to know. Richard wanted it to be a surprise. I remember my mother and I had to go into the bathroom and run the shower to talk about it... and all the things we were getting for the nursery were hidden in the basement... I had a nurse most of the time, and she and I would spend days and days on wall colors and names and cloths and the stupidest stuff... but I'm good at that stuff.. it's all I really ever knew. I didn't mind, most of the time, before... not going to college. I mean, it stung.. when I wasn't allowed to take the test, but by the time all of this happened, I barely remembered I ever wanted to... They say going into labor is some of the worst pain you'll ever feel, but you forget it all in the end. Because if you don't, you wouldn't do it again. And then where would we all be? She paused, a bitter laugh. It did hurt, but I'm not sure it was the worst thing I ever felt... I was more scared, I guess. Six months isn't really long enough, you know? It wasn't... and the mess that followed... Everything is all tangled in a way it shouldn't be, I'm just... I guess I'm glad that I can't do it again. I don't think I could bear to do it again... I wanted to be able to give that to Sebastian. Children, family.. but, honestly... I don't want to ever have to..

Erin was close to sobbing now, head dropped a little. And that's when it all really fell apart. My life. Richard stopped talking to me.. I was too depressing I guess. Depressed. I started walking at night... clubs and restaurants, the park.. I just wanted to know what the hell went on outside of those walls. And it was amazing, it was better... if anything, I could feel something other than failure. And the paper started figuring me out. Every day another picture. Barren Queen here, Barren queen crazy... and my mother just... she sat me down and she told me to stop being such a selfish brat. To put on my stiff upper lip and get it the hell together.... And I guess that's what I did... until I found this place. Even for awhile here, really... but it just gets worse and worse, and my family hates me, and everything was a mess when i went home, and I can't keep anything together anymore. I just destroy things and spiral and cling and... When I was attacked... here... even then... what is supposed to be the worst thing to ever happen to a woman. I just didnt' feel it. I mean, I was scared. I was demoralized, sure... but, I couldn't feel it. God... I'm so afraid I dont' feel anything anymore... And her eyes went closed again. Like a talking machine where the quarter had run out. Batteries dead.

As her words slow to a halt, and he can feel them slowing, he moves over into her seat, temporarily letting go of one hand... sitting beside her, and putting his large arm around her. She was sobbing, or close to it, and for the first time Alain understood what she was going through, on a daily basis. And he wants to help... So he just holds her. Uncertain at first, but he remembers what he learned from his mother doing for Shannon, and what he had done for Shannon on occasion. He rocks her gently. How many men were going to have to rock Erin before she was better? Fixed? That's all she really wanted, was for it to just stop hurting long enough to see straight. She let herself cry, sure. It was second nature now. The words just floating out there, said for the first time since they happened. Really felt. She thought, perhaps, that it would all magically go away then... the pain, the struggle, the hatred. But it didn't. And that weighed on her the most, perhaps. Her arms wrapped around him, and she just let herself cling. What have I done to myself? To everyone around me? Lydia is mad at me, Sebastian left me, I just... for once... I want... why couldn't I just start over when I got here? The question many of the residents of this place probably had.

...I've tried to do it, too... and it doesn't work that way. What happened isn't going to stay in Nouveau Bretagne, or London... it stays with you until you learn how to deal with it. Alain strokes her hair softly, holding her closer, his large body easily enveloping hers, and he lowers his head to hers and lowers his voice. ...It's not your fault, Erin. None of it. It's not your fault. That helped. That really helped. She leaned back to look up at him, eyes glassy, greener maybe. It looked as if she had been wearing a lot of dark blue mascara, the ink on her face. But she ignored it and just looked at him for a moment.

It's....not.....? The question was tacked on at the end. She had spent so many years blaming herself for things. So many years thinking she was the problem. So long trying to fix herself, that she never thought that perhaps it was all the fixes that made her seem broken. I'm not who I was raised to be. Added a little softer. I never will be. Something else she had to take in, accept. How she was born, who she was-- that was not her fault.:

No one is, Erin. He raises his eyebrows, looking down at her. Playing with her fingers, gently. I'm the opposite of what my father wanted me to be... I try to live up to my mother's standards, but not all of them. Because there's no parent who can raise their child perfectly... no perfect parent... no perfect child. And we go through life... Rubbing her upper arm slowly now. ...and we balance what our parents gave us with our impulses, who we are, and try to balance them, and become people all of our own.

...And we can't help what our parents' expectations are. Who our parents are. What they might've done right, done wrong. ::He shakes his head gently.:: Life doesn't ask of us that we become who people want us to be... we're going to become whoever it is we will... but that we do our best with what we're given.

Erin laughed a little, pressing her forehead to his. She didn't really care anymore that they were in public. Or their proximity. Or really anything. She gave up on careing as it was, and just was. Her eyes were closed, though, unable to look someone in the eyes from so close. You think I can still salvage this mess? She seemed almost amused. I think I know who I want to be, now I just have to climb out of the wreckage I've made.

Hell yes I do, He whispers back to her, lips spreading into a grin. Hand gently rubbing the back of her neck.

God... This kind of closeness is something she hadn't had in so long. She's scared to breath, scared to move, scared to open her eyes for breaking the spell of it. Feeling close and sharing, feeling anything at all. her voice was barely a whisper, mostly just breath. I can't believe I just-- She faded off, the rest not really needed to be said aloud.

Me either. ...But I'm glad you did. Giving her hand a gentle squeeze, but otherwise, he stays put for her. Letting her relish this. He's relishing it some, too... and has gotten a new feeling from it all.

Really? She was still unsure of unloading on someone like that. She hated that she did it-- and so much. I didn't mean to just put all of that on your shoulders. She didn't want to move, but she knew she couldn't stay there forever. If anything it was a dangerous position. Forhead to forehead like that. She dared to open her eyes, however. His eyes are shut for a moment longer than hers... but open curiously.

It's fine. He lifts his head slowly, hands on the corners of her jaw, to kiss her forehead. Then, as he withdraws his hands, he looks at them a little... and grins. Ink all over them. He holds them up to her. Maybe we should get cleaned up.

Erin wasn't usually so rude. Really, she wasn't. It was mean, wasn't it? But Erin didn't notice. She just flopped onto the couch, holding her glass close to her chest. She hadn't heard Gideon, and that was good, because she would have felt worse. The conscience was lacking tonight, really... the not feeling like drowning yourself thing was just that new.

Alain downs his second glass quickly, sets it under the couch, and then looks down at Erin. One hand going onto the back of the couch, still clutching the bottle in the other, he leans over some. May I? Nodding to the space beside her.

Please do. She smiled, it was something sweet, really. She pushed back against the arm to make more room. One foot pulled up under herself, a hand holding her glass still. There was something about the way she held a wine glass that was a dead give away of her upbringing, if nothing else.

He takes a seat beside her, arm going along the back of the couch, and he raises the bottle for a sip. Eyes move to the fire, then to her.:: Warmer now?

Yeah. Wet hair and all. ? She colored. What a lame excuse, huh? She pushed some hair out of her face and smiled, not at all concerned about the arm. Out of the bottle already? She finishes and then offers her empty glass for a refill. You waste no time.

Wine's a more interesting drunk, I take it kind of fast. Very truthfully, as he refills her glass, and takes another sip. Hand droops to touch her shoulder. I don't know... For some reason, it's always a happier buzz than liquor or beer.

It is. It's warmer... like being under water. I prefer it almost all the time. She moved just a touch closer to Alain without knowing it. She speeds up her drinking, nursing the remaining buzz from earlier.

He lowers his arm some after she moves closer. He takes another big gulp of his wine. I've only done it several times... You seem like a wine drunk. He laughs suddenly, realizing how that must sound, and shakes his head. I mean that in the best way. The same way I'm a vodka drunk. Everyone has their drink.

It was at this moment that Chi walked in. His meeting had gone remarkably well and it seemed as if his cleaning up might actually pay off. He rolled his sleeves up past his elbows, at some point during his walk back to the Inn. And out of habit had tied his hair back to keep it from his eyes. He was all smiles though as he slipped through the back door.

Erin and Alain continued their banter. Chatter mostly. About alcohol and such. Alain's arm settled comfortably around Erin. He was all grins, flirtations. Some color had reached his cheeks and he was buzzed. Erin rested against him. The happy banter was more than she had done in awhile. It was fun. She was relaxed, warm on the inside and comfortable there.

Malachi, at the bar, had seen the couch. His eyebrow arched ever so slightly at the scene being played there and he chuckled a bit. Shaking his head, he reached round and poured himself an ale, tossing a few coins in the till as he did so. Settling into an affected lean, elbow to the bar he took a well deserved

Just at that moment, Cassie slipped in from the alley entrance, rubbing at her face and tugging at a lavender curl that had escaped the clutches of her chopsticks. She moved towards the bar, not taking a moment to glance about at the faces just yet

That interesting, huh. Well, I'll try to give you some food for thought if I can, Freud... Alain looked up still, thinking. ...Vodka or wine, sometimes beer, when I'm happy... vodka, rarely wine, sometimes beer, when I'm depressed. And he rubbed her upper arm, her small frame fitting easily against his side.

You're a vodka man. Erin said firmly. She smiled at him, sipping from her glass. Eyes raised to look around the room. They caught purple. Erin went alabaster.

I didn't mean for...

I don't know what I meant. I felt Alain's hand on my arm, his eyes on my eyes and I knew what he wanted. And for a moment, I was considering it. I wanted it too. I laughed and blushed and kept him for my own. I forgot about Cassie and Sebastian and Chi and... I forgot about everything.

I didn't see him come in. Though he was there. I don't know how much he saw. It bothered me that I cared. Cass snapped me out of it. Caused me to take a step back. Both of us, I think. And it was over.

It was too late though. He saw me. He saw us. And something must have clicked inside him because he was taking shots at me as if he had a right.

I didn't mean to sleep with him. I didn't want to. Okay, that's a lie, I did want to. I had just told myself that I wouldn't do this to Sebastian. I wouldn't do this to Lydia.

I did it anyway.

--------------

I was snarky. Mean. Took a hit back and he grabbed me by the arm and was "gently" lead out the back door. It was rougher than I expected, but not violent, really. I was stealing myself for a fight. For him to yell and rail. I wasn't sure about what... my disregard for my own rules with others? My misbehavior? I didn't think he liked me enough to be jealous.

I didn't think he liked me.

What the hell! My back hit the wall as the words came out of my mouth. My eyed turned to look at him. His eyes were hard. And for a split second, I was scared.

I hate your fucking rules and tonight I don't feel like playing by them. And he kissed me. It wasn't gentle. His hand at the base of my throat, his mouth claiming mine. No. It was hungry. I had never been wanted as much as he seemed to want me. It was shocking. It caused my mouth to go dry. My heart to stop beating. There was no time to think, to pause. I just kissed him.

It took a moment. Barely a moment. To meet the intensity. Suddenly, I wanted it as much--no more-- than him. I would blame it on the alcohol, god knows it was swimming through my head, but I know that had nothing to do with it. There was always alcohol, and there was never this. His hand was on my shoulder, splaying over the front and he could probably feel my heart beat. How alive I was. I could hear it, feel it, in my throat, in my ears, in my fingertips.

I gave in. Forget the rules. Forget caution. Forget right and wrong.

What are you-- His knee between my legs, I was caught on all fronts. And I loved it. Wanted more. It was as close as I had ever come to tearing buttons, fabric, losing control. I never lose control. I don't want to be vulnerable. I won't be.

But he made me. And it was good.

And he leaned in. And he almost whispered. It was electrifying. Stood every hair on edge. What am I doing? What do I want to do? Right now I'm kissing you and as for what I want to do. And he looked me right in the eye. I couldn't turn away. I couldn't blush. I couldn't hide. I'd think that was obvious. I want to fuck you, Erin.

His eyes. They were... predatory. Dangerous. They weren't the safe haven of Sebastian's. They weren't the gentle advisor of Richard's. They wanted me. They wanted to devour me. They had some primal urge to take me over in a way that I never knew I wanted.

But I wanted to know why. And more. I wanted to know what it was about me. What it was about the few times we had spoken that had made him so...intent on me. I wasn't the vixen that was Cassandra. I wasn't the sweet lovable Amalia. I wasn't any of the women that flounce in and out of the place. I was a mess. An awful mess of a woman with commitment problems and mental problems and a propensity to drink too much.

Tell me why. I heard my voice without knowing how I had broken the kiss. He had me against the wall, would ravish me there if I'd let him, and I think I would have... But the thoughts... I just needed to know. I needed to hear. My voice sounded disembodied. Demanding.

I think I knocked him off guard. He seemed to slow. His fingers on my skin in such slow circles. It was a moment before he spoke. Something sweet about it in the madness.

It's entirely your fault actually. And he kissed the corner of my mouth. You're a wonderful mess and it has a strange effect on me.

It gave me pause in a way he hadn't before. It was just what he needed to say to me, I guess... though I don't know if he knew that at the time. I knew with that answer that there was no going back. No saying no. And so, I smiled.

You dont' know the half of it. Any hope I had of fixing things with Sebastian, any hope I had of fixing the mess I had made was gone. I'd surrendered to my own mess. Only partially because he liked it. I don't normally do this.... I don't know why I said that, what I was protecting myself from. But it caused a new tenderness in me, I guess. I brushed some hair from his face. Looked at him. really looked. You challenge me. Another whisper. He really did.

Anything after that... well, that's just incidental.

Irresponsible. That's what I've become. I knew it when I gathered my things and lied to my sister. My best friend. Left them there to go upstairs and...

I would say that I was sorry. I only partially am. I haven't been happy in so long, and there's something in the way he treats me. The way his hands are on my shoulders and his eyes on mine. I deserve it. I need it. I don't care if she thinks I'm hurting myself, I dont' care if I'm being unfair and cruel... I deserve this. To feel this.

It hurts him, I can tell, that Lydia and Storm don't like him. He talks about it as we're undressing, and then still. I want to promise him it'll be okay. That things will work out, but I can't do that. We both know the promises are empty.

I want to say a lot of things. There in the shower. Mainly that he's lit something in me I hadn't felt in years. That for once the smiles, the touches-- they're all real. I never want to leave. But I know that even speaking of such things can end them just as quickly as they began.

So I smile. I joke along. Put my clothes back on and follow him through the room. In the hall he calls us together. Just another flippant remark. Like when he said he liked me as I am. It washed over me, really. Nothing to say to it.

Nothing I wanted to say.

If only things had stayed this happy... as we approached the hall, went in. I wanted to pause time. But things fall apart. They always do... and a little fun never stays just fun.