Topic: The "flu". ((Will contain mature content))

Sebastian

Date: 2006-11-16 09:51 EST
I fall upon the thorns of life. I bleed! -Shelley


~~~


The morning had been cold and rainy. Reminded him of home.

The docks were hazardous to those who didn?t know what they were doing and twice already that morning the crew had to fish someone out of the sea who had fallen overboard: stuffy passengers who didn?t want to listen when they were told not to lean overboard.

Finally, Bastian was able to find a time to smoke. He stood under the eaves of the local tavern, one hand shoved in his pocket and the other holding his cigarette. He was trying to shut his senses down, block out the cold; so when Grem greeted him suddenly, Bastian gave quite a start.

Erin was sick with the flu, apparently. Poor girl. Bastian did not want to get sick, so maybe that was why he hadn?t seen her last night or this morning; because she didn?t want to pass it on. However, Grem casually suggested that he go visit Erin. Hey, if he caught the flu, they could be sick together! In some twisted, morbid way, Bastian found the thought amusing. He found himself wanting to be with her always. So after agreeing to go visit her on his lunch Break, Bastian and Grem said their goodbyes and Grem sauntered away.

When lunchtime rolled around, Bastian made a pit-stop at home to change. He ended up talking to Cassie for a while before heading on over to Erin?s place. If only he knew he should be hurrying.

He knocked a few times, then realized that she wouldn?t answer the door if she was sick. Her house was huge and she was probably all warm and snuggly up in her room. The door was tried and found to be unlocked. ?Erin?? He called out loud enough so that if she were awake, she wouldn?t be worried about intruders but quiet enough to where he wouldn?t wake her if she was asleep. A cautious step inside taken. The lights were out. The door was closed behind him and Bastian made his way further inside. No answer.

He had two options. Call out louder or go find her room. He opted for the latter and began making his way upstairs. He wandered around for a few minutes before spotting a faint strip of light from under a door. Ahh, so there she was! ?Erin,? he called out again softly when he reached the door, setting a hand on the doorknob. ?How?re you feeling, Erin-love?? She wasn?t answering him still so the boy figured she was asleep. That?s when he opened the door. And he wasn?t prepared for what he found.

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-11-16 11:00 EST
Got a bowling ball in my stomach, got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now. --Tori Amos

---

The record had ended. Needle scraping on the paper of the label. Had Erin been more awake.. more alive, she would have stopped it immediately; it was hard to find a new needle in Rhydin. But she wasn't. She hadn't even noticed that awful scraping as the paper protested to its torture. How could she?

Bastian had found her, curled on the bathroom floor. The door to her master bathroom remained open, clearly visible from the bedroom. She was kneeling on the floor, sitting back on her feet. She hadn't remembered getting dressed... or where the clothes had come from. Probably the healer Grem had taken her to. Ill fitting linen pants and a white shirt. Hands were gripping the toilette in front of her. Waiting. She'd spent the morning there, raising and lowering from knees for another bought with her stomach. It was just retching, now, bloody mucus from her torn up throat.

The bathtub was full at the point of overflowing, water on the floor, puddling in the gaps left between tiles. From the looks of her, she hadn't made it in the tub yet. Hair a tangled mess, some traces of blood left on her face(she had been washed, if not entirely well). Her eyes were dark, almost black, and the circles underneath! She looked like death itself.

Erin hadn't heard Bastian the first time. Or the second. She hadn't noticed the door, either. But she could feel his eyes on her. The sudden feeling of being watched. She turned her head. The surprise on her face would have looked as if it appeared in slow motion. Eyes widening, mouth opening, upper body moving backward. She looked as if she'd been struck. As if Bastian had walked into the room and slapped her.

The silence, in that moment, was deafening. A rush of air. Erin couldn't talk, couldn't breath. It was too much. The very sight of his face made her want to die. Tear her hair from her head, drown herself in the tub. Claw her eyes out. Her mouth opened and closed a few times. She couldn't speak. Couldn't say a word. It was then her chin began to quiver, her eyes go glassy. That sight... how he looked at her... she couldn't stop the crying. Couldn't hold it back anymore.

If there was a single thought in Erin's head at the moment, it would have been grief. Whatever they had had before this moment was forever gone. That look on his face.. that horrified look. He could never see her the same way. Never as the innocent, slightly playful woman she had been. She was forever changed to Sebastian de Vernon; and she hated it. Anger, for the first time since....it... boiled up in her. She hated Renna for killing her one chance at happiness, while leaving herself alive to witness its death. She hated herself for leaving the inn alone. For not screaming. Her mouth opened once more, a hoarse, choked whisper through it all, breaking through the scratch of the record needle. "Bastian?"

And the sobs took over.

Sebastian

Date: 2006-11-16 13:51 EST
As soon as there is life, there is danger. ?Ralph Waldo Emerson


~~~~

The needle being ruined was the furthest thing from his mind in that moment. In fact, he hadn?t even noticed it. All of his attention was focused on the shell that used to be his vibrant, alive, cheerful girlfriend. Why was she dressed like that? Why was the tub overflowing? Why were there traces of blood on her face? He noted the speckled blood spots on the porcelain throne, too. It looked like someone had beaten the tar out of her. And what was going through his mind in the split second it took him to react? You?d be surprised.

One thing was for certain. This wasn?t the flu.

He hadn?t even taken more than a step towards her before she recoiled in terror. That just caused his horrified, confused expression to increase. What had happened?! What had he done? Why was she terrified? All he knew at this point was that she was breaking his heart. Her condition. Whatever it was that had happened. It wasn?t fair and there would be justice. Perhaps he?s jumping the gun?but first things first. Comfort the girl he?s come to care for so much. Questions would come later. And yes, justice, too.

Swooping into the room, Bastian snagged a throw from off the end of the bed and carried it with him into the bathroom. In mere seconds, he was kneeling in the puddles of water on the floor before her, concern and yes, horror, too, etching lines into his face. He hated not knowing what was wrong. Grem had to have known?and anger began to creep its way into his heart towards the older man. Why didn?t Grem warn him?!

?Sweetheart,? he began tentatively. And her voice when she said his name broke something inside of him. She sounded so helpless. His arms wrapped around her slight, shaking frame as she sobbed. The blanket was also wrapped around her. Then, after hugging her lightly, he looped one arm under her knees and put the other around her shoulders. Bastian lifted her effortlessly into his arms, cradling her against his chest.

She was carried out into the bedroom and laid gently on the bed as he slid to his knees beside her. Fingers reached up to brush the matted hair from her face. He wanted to smile, to show her that everything was going to be ok?but it was all he could do to keep his own tears at bay. This was so hard. He couldn?t stand seeing her like this and he didn?t know how he could help yet. A lump grew in his throat as he tried to speak. His voice waivered slightly, ?Erin??

Erinalle Dunbridge

Date: 2006-11-16 16:44 EST
We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it in full- Proust
---
Equal portions of relief and terror flowed over her as he lifted her from the floor. She looked fine...physically. Not a cut, not a scratch--the healers had seen to that. But she was a shell of a person. An empty vessel where Erin had been. Her arms wrapped around his neck without thinking. She was trying to press herself through his chest. To disappear.

As Bastian placed her on the bed, she winced. Hours and hours on her knees... the cold tile floor... His touch made her tremble from the promise of it. Part of her was screaming for her to get him away. To be alone. But the sobbing little girl that had emerged needed his strength at that moment. She curled into a ball, pulling her knees to her chest, tilting her head to look up at him.

It's funny, the things you think of in moments like these... his eyes. They were beautiful. As deep as the sea. She couldn't look away. There was comfort in them. The way they swirled and how they were gleaming as they began to water. They reminded Erin of their day at the beach. How he held her; how happy she was. She could drown in his eyes. Forget herself there. Forget this there. She reached out a hand to touch his face. So soft.. barely there. She was like a ghost. "Thank god you're here." It was a whisper. Voice grating over the glass that was her throat; full of something like gratitude, but deeper.

"You're an angel." Erin had never had a savior. Never wanted one. But right now... Right now she was just going to soak him in. The strength of him. It wasn't fair, really... to use him as a crutch. He hadn't even known her that long. But no one had ever meant so much to her so quickly. And now he was there. As if in a dream. A miracle. Erin didn't expect him to worry for at least a couple of days...

He hadn't asked. She wasn't going to tell. Erin wanted to stop time. The moment the words were uttered that look would change. She knew it. He would treat her like a child. Take care of her, perhaps. But he'd never love her. Never could. She would be a constant reminder of the shame, the fear.

She was just as Renna said... tainted.

Sebastian

Date: 2006-11-16 22:57 EST
Your silence will not protect you. -Audre Lourde

~~~

Sebastian cooed at her lovingly, his hand still brushing over her cheek and into her hair. All that kept running through his mind was the simple and yet oh-so complicated fact that this wasn't the flu. And he wanted, needed, to know what had happened to his girl. "Erin," he whispered again, still struggling to swallow the lump in his throat. "What happened, love?"

It made her shudder, that he asked. Sure, she knew it was coming... but the question made her remember the answer. She looked up again, for his eyes, to take some strength from them. Start slow.. nice and slow... "Renna." Erin whispered. At least her voice was getting stronger now.

"What??" His voice cracked, pitching higher so that the tail end of the word could barely be heard. The hand he had resting on her pillow tightened into a fist. He didn't understand. Renna had done this? How? What had she done? But those questions never made it past his tongue. Too busy trying to not scream, you know. Erin stiffened as he moved, sitting up finally. The anger was frightening. Shocking. She hadn't seen it in him before. And it was so present.. Her heart was pounding in her ears. She felt he could see it through her chest.

"Calm down.." Erin squeaked, a mouse stuck in a glue trap. But, Bastian couldn't; he didn't know how. He did, however, release the pillow from his grasp. Moving to sit on the edge of the bed, he faced her. "Tell me....please. I need to know." Then he paused, glancing down. "You said I didn't have to be afraid to ask. So I'm asking." He looked into her eyes pleadingly. "Erin..."

Erin had said that, and she knew now that she had to make good on it. She let his words fade... melt away. Not ready to speak yet. She took a couple of ragged breaths, in and out. Her eyes traced him, the outline: down his shoulder, to his hand, around the fingertips, to his leg, moving slowly. "I walked home alone last night... " There, that was easy enough, she told herself, "And Renna stopped me." She took another deep breath; her eyes clenched shut; a sob escaped and was bit back. "And she hit me.. a few times. Broke my nose,and my cheeks and..." Another gasp of a sob broke out of Erin as if she were drowning and had just come up for air. Bastian?s horrified expression from earlier returned.

How does one respond to that? How dare Renna even lay a finger on Erin!!, he thought. Bastian lurched forward and drew her against his chest, burying his face in her hair. "Oh....my god, baby." He was fighting his emotions, for the all wanted to surface, but he couldn't quite choose which to show first. Erin leaned back, pulling away. It did feel right to be held. But she couldn't tell him, not with his holding her like that. She needed to be alone for this.

"I'm not done yet..." she insisted. Bastian would have been lying if he said it didn't hurt to have her pull away. She was released promptly, however, to allow her to continue. Erin pushed some hair out of her face with the back of a hand; it was a frustrated movement. She couldn't be angry at him and Renna wasn't there, so she took it out on the mess atop her head. "She wanted me to scream." Erin shuddered again, body jerking unnaturally. There were so many questions in her mind: Could I have stopped it?, Did I do the right thing? That last one kept scrolling through her mind. "And I wouldn't. I wouldnt' do it..." This was all so surreal to Bastian; he didn't know what to do or what to say...."So.. she..." Here was where it got dicey for Erin. Her eyes clenched closed again, swallowing hard. "She tore my dress off and..." She knew a full description wasn't going to happen. She would just have to find the word. Erin hadn't said it yet... wouldn't say it, even to Grem. Saying it would admit the truth, make it real "She...." Another sputter, then, Erin gagged on mucus and bile. She fought with herself not to run back to the bathroom, everything tensed.

That was when the air rushed out of Bastian?s lungs. No....not that, he thought. Not his Erin. She didn't deserve that. He felt like throwing up and also fought to keep from rushing to the bathroom. His vision swam, his stomach turned, and that damn record was going to get broken in half if he didn't calm down soon. Somehow, though, he reached his hand out for hers, seeking blindly until he found it, and she took it, squeezed it.

Erin felt like Rouge, draining power and strength from him, her fingers were like ice. "She raped me." There it was. It hung in the air. The elephant in the room. Erin managed to get it out at full volume. To really say it. Understand it. Yet, those words were the proverbial knife in Bastian?s chest. And the silence afterwards only twisted it further. All the color drained from his face and his hands trembled. This...this couldn't be...no!, he thought. It wasn't Erin's fault by any means, but he was going to explode if he sat there and couldn't hold her. Both hands came up to rake through his hair. He pushed himself up from the bed and strode towards the record player. The needle had gotten on his last nerve. He stood there, staring at it...watching the record go round and round.

"Bastian?" It was little more than a whisper; the silence killing her. Erin felt her worst fears were realized. She raked a hand through her hair, chin quivering again. Bastian?s hands balled into fists at his sides. That sound...it just added to his stress. He was angry at himself. Why hadn't he gone to the inn that night? Why hadn't he walked her home? WHY WASN'T HE THERE TO PROTECT HER?! He reached for the record, and after pulling the needle from the paper and setting it aside, he launched that fucking record across the room. He yelled and brought his hands back up to his head, pressing palms against his temples. His shoulders rose and fell as his chest heaved. This was too much for him. Erin wasn't ever supposed to get hurt and it was scaring him how much it affected him. Erin flinched at the noise; like at a gunshot. Her entire body moved. She was suddenly terrified of him and pulled back toward the headboard, knees to her chest.

Sebastian

Date: 2006-11-16 23:02 EST
There is no den in the wide world to hide a rogue. Commit a crime and the earth is made of glass; commit a crime and it seems as if a coat of snow has fallen on the ground. Such as, it reveals in the woods the track of every partridge, fox, and squirrel. Beware. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~

"I should have been there to protect you, Erin." Bastian turned to face her, and those tears had started to fall. Erin was silent for a long moment. Getting herself back together, regaining the ability to speak.

"I shouldn't have left alone... Cassie warned me... and... it's not your fault." Unspoken was, of course, that it was hers. The pain in his face, it was killing her, and that her stupid actions had caused this, had hurt him so much. She started crying as well, tears streaking her face. "I'm so sorry." That last part was a whisper, the ghost of speech in the quieted room. "Bastian..." She reached her hand out for him now. "Don't hate me...please..." She was pleading with him, the fear taking over. "Don't leave me," Erin choked out on another of those sobs.

Everything she had said before apologizing was forgotten. It even caused him to stop being selfish, because, truly, that's what he was being. He was making this about himself...when really he should be comforting her. Loving her. Holding her. This was Renna's fault...so why on earth was Erin apologizing? He knew what he had to do, though. Bastian practically ran back to her and got back on the bed. He sat down between her legs and bent his legs at the knee to rest over her thighs. It probably wasn't the best move, but he wanted her to look at him and not be able to look away. Hands came up to cup her face, gently forcing her to look at him. "This was not, I repeat, not your fault." His thumbs stroked her cheeks. "And I'm not going anywhere, Erin-love."

God, his eyes, Erin thought. Nothing was wrong when she was looking into his eyes. The sobs slowed, just a little and after a moment her eyes fell closed. The touch was comforting; he was comforting. Everything Erin had heard about her situation always told her she wouldn't want comfort like this, but in this moment it was all she needed. Of course she was still crying, but it was different now. How could she ever thank him? Explain to him how she felt? It was an upwell of something she had never experienced: a tingling in her chest, lightness in her head. The words? she heard them in her head. She knew it was too early to say them, but they were there. All Erin could think to give back. A gift. "I think I love you, Sebastian De Vernon." It was less than a whisper, more than just air. Mistakes be damned right now.

This was something Bastian didn't think he'd have to deal with for a long time. Love. It's a funny word. It can mean so many different things, but in this moment, he knew exactly what Erin meant. It was terrifying and exciting all at the same time. The words were simply not forming on his tongue. They were there in his head, screaming, but the connection was lost. He blinked several times, but didn't move. He didn't want to lie, so he had to think this through. She didn't have to be nervous, though, he was smiling, albeit, faintly. Did he love her? Could he say something like that? Did Erin actually mean it? He wasn't fully sure, of any of the answers to those questions, so he'd answer as she had. "I think..." his smile grew, "that I love you, too, Erin."

Her crying came back, but she was smiling. She'd forgotten what it felt like, to smile. In those few hours, she was sure smiles would never come back. Her eyes opened, finally, and she was looking into his eyes again, hands coming up to stroke his face. She wanted to kiss him, but was afraid that she would pull away, that she would scream.. But his eyes! And his smile! And what she had said, and his reply. Why couldn?t' she stop crying? "Oh god..." Erin scooted closer, leaning in, needing to feel the warmth of him. Be in his aura, at least. "What are we going to do?" She pressed her cheek to his. Contact. It didn't hurt as much as she thought. It made her lose her breath. She sobbed more, then, desperate gasps for air.

Bastian held her close, rubbing her back, eyes closing as they pressed cheek to cheek. Granted, he was still a virgin and didn't know what it felt like to make that kind of connection with someone, but right now...this. This was beautiful. Two hearts as one. Connected on a purely emotional level. She was so soft, delicate, and beautiful. The way she looked at him answered one of his previous questions. There was no doubt that she had meant it. "What are we going to do," he whispered back his echoing question. No rushing. He wouldn't even kiss her unless bidden. Fingers trailed along her jawline as he began shifting around on the bed. He was pulling the covers down so that she could be tucked in. He'd lay with her, but unless she asked, he wasn't assuming anything. He didn't know if she was ready for that. "We're going to keep doing what we've been doing." He slid her feet carefully under the warm sheets and blanket, and then gently began to ease her down. "And you're going to sleep now, because you're exhausted," a smile, "and I'm going to be right here when you wake back up."

"Stay with me." Erin meant it. She either couldn?t stand to be alone or apart from him, she wasn't sure which. She let him settle her back, her head hitting the pillow, her eyes closing. "I know you need to work, but..." She was fading already, finally able to sleep. "...just for today... " Erin repositioned herself, curling up under the warmth. "..for now.." Bastian was more than happy to stay with her. Who cares about his job? This was so much more important; necessary. Kicking his boots off, Bastian sat on the edge of the bed, smiling warmly as she began to drift off. Once he'd shed most of his wet clothing, he slid beneath the covers and pressed himself right up behind her. Feet were curled around hers, chest pressed to her back and arm slipped around her middle. A tiny littered trail of kisses was pressed to her shoulder before he let his own head hit the pillow.