Dearest Miss Des,

Thank you very much for the roses. They are very lovely to look at and indeed brighten our mood. However, there is just one complaint I have that I'd like to take up with you if you don't mind. Them thorns is nasty sonmabitches. They keep finding their way into her casts and scratching up her perfect skin somefin awful! Tara can't go on like this! Theys hurt and the backscratcher thing that Tal gave her ain't do nuffin but push em further down underneath the cast and is starting to make Tara mad! The Sawbones, he's the one that put Tara in the casts, he says she can't take em off for at least three weeks. How unfair is that?!

Oh.

Let me explain the casts part.

See, this little bird came and told her that her cousin Viki needed help. So Tara, she ran like the wind, you know, following it. And she came to Brian and Charlotte Ravenlock's house. They's is a nice couple although they is a little odd too. You see they's got all these things in their house that make a lot of noise and some of them light up like a candle, only bigger. They's was kissing up on each other like Tal does to her sometimes when they's alone and in bed and that got Tara's belly rumbling.

Miss Des, did you know when Tara see other peoples start to paw at each other like they was in heat, she gets hungry?

Yeah.

It's true.

Anyway Charlotte gave Tara a quick tour of the house and then Tara went to go find something to eat while Viki and Erich were in the living room talking about how Viki almost got killed. Her cousin is very clumsy sometimes, Tara knows. Brian came into the kitchen to help Tara out as she was staring at this big box thing with a door and when you open the door, guess what Miss Des! The light goes on inside! Tee hee. Isn't that funny?

Well Tara she saw there was stuffs inside the box. Food stuffs, you know. Brian gave Tara a steak cuz she wanted one and when Tara sniffed at it, it was really cold. This confused her so she went to go ask Erich why that was. He said the Light Box With Door (that's Tara's name for it, although Brian kept callin it a 'fridge'. See? Told you he was odd) preserves the food with harnessed lighting and temperature differences so that the meat and other food stuffs don't rot. That bored Tara almost to death. She likes Erich. Used to date him a long time ago. But man does he suck at telling a story.

So after she woke up (she had fallen asleep as Erich was talking) she heard this really loud noise outside. It almost sounded like there was a lot of animals all gathered into one place and they was growling. She went outside to see what it was and would you believe that stupid boy Glanhelmion Tasartir was out there in a car and was making the car go VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM?!

Tara, she knows cars.

She likes to ride in them too.

They's go fast and make her hair twirl behind her like she's a witch on a broomstick. A long time ago Tara had an Uncle named Dave. He sold hats like her Bossman and he had somefin he called a "Harley" although Tara has since learned the other peoples, you know the ones that don't sell hats?, they's call them motorcycles. Her sister Obsidian has one but it ain't no Harley. It's a Glow Bike or some such thing. Anyway, Uncle Dave (Tara used to call him Uncle Tuff-N-Stuff) used to take her for rides on the Harley and taught Tara all about thems and cars and how to fix thems.

Uncle Dave is still alive you know.

Her friend Miss Del Antreva, she told Tara awhile back that Uncle Dave done fell on his head and can't remember nuffin. Tara tried to get him to talk to her but Uncle Dave don't know who she is. This makes Tara sad. Do you think Uncle Dave will ever get his memory back, Miss Des?

She hopes so.

He owes her somefin like twenty million gold in back allowance pay he done forgot to give her cuz of his head injury.

Oh.

Speaking of.

Tara almost forgot.

So Tara, Viki and Erich got into the car with The Very Stupid Glanhelmion (he's her bodyguard, but she'll get to that later) while Brian locked up his house (and his wife Charlotte and her girliefriend who Tara dun rightly know, inside) and promised to meet all of us over at the Dragon.

Now Tara thought Glanhelmion, if he could do anything, he could drive a car. But he can't even do that right cuz he's stupid, right? He starts making the car go really fast and that did not bother Tara until she started to bounce. See, Erich, he's like Tara in that he dun like to mess around with the modern day contraptions. He's old, see, and he prefers to live the way we all used to with our lanterns and all of our inconveniences of daily life. She bets if you asked him he'd even tell you he still bathes in the river but Miss Des, don't, yanno, ask him, cuz Erich is grouchy and is liable to bite ya.

Then you'd get dead.

And that would suck.

Anyhoo....stupid Glanhelmion turns up the Demon Box. This is a device that has music trapped inside it. Her cousin Viki calls it the Thing With Voices But No Bodies but Tara calls it the Demon Box cuz thems voices ain't nuffin but straight from Hell. Now this is making Tara's ears hurt (as well as Erich's) and we's all begin to yell cuz we can't hear. Stupid boy Glanhelmion ain't doin nuffin but driving the car really fast and cackling to hisself like he's got a joke inside his head that only he knows the punchline to. So Tara, she swatted at him but this only made him mad. So she turned to Erich and whacked him upside his head and that made him mad too. But it got him determined enough to get the Demon Box quiet.

Oh let her tell you Miss Des.

Her ears were hurting somefin bad.

And just before Tara could recover, would you believe that stupid boy done started making the car go round and round in circles up there in the back alley? Oh it was like being in a tornado and seeing as Tara's been in one of those before, let her just say it wasn't pretty. Then before Tara knew it, she wound up flying into the glass of the car. There was this place, under the glass, where Tara landed. It had dead bugs on it and smelled like leather.

Tara knows leather.

That's what they make the whips out of.

Viki and Erich left the car first and then Stupid Glanhelmion but not before he started laughing and pointing at Tara as she was laying there on the leather thing, all hurting and whathaveya.

She say "You stupid boy! Look what you did! Now she is stuck up here!"

And Glanhelmion, he say, "Yeah? Try screwing up there but wait til I get you a car though. That was fun, eh?"

Tara did not think one could screw on top of the leather thing under the glass but apparently Glanhelmion did at some point. He's so dumb.

So Tara point at him and she say "It was NOT fun! Glanhelmion Tasartir, yer a lunatic an' you did that on PURPOSE! I'm TELLING ON YOU!"

Then he say "Naw, Lady Tara, I wouldn't do that to you, I did warn you to wear a seat belt."

Then Tara say "MAKE WAY! You an' yer stupid seat belts whatever they is!" and she crawled out of the car and fell down on the ground. "An' dun call me Lady!"

She tried to kick at him but he was too quick. Then Sidsta showed up which was good cuz it gave her an opportunity to tell on Glanhelmion but she was more interested in his car which she called a nice "ride".

But then the greatest thing happened, Miss Des.

Cyclops showed up! He's Plankton's Second. Plankton is in charge of the Bloods and Cyclops, he only has one eye, see, he is like Plankton when he's not around. She ran straight to him to tell him what the stupid boy did. Cyclops is very attentive, Miss Des. He listens to everything she say.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! HE is a MONSTER! I hate him! Get her a new bodyguard, Cyclops! I dun like him!"

Cyclops, he just stood there as Tara was wrapped around his legs. He say "He is the only one currently available for the current position Tara."

Then she scream again and say "Well I dun care! Lock down Onyx House! Get her some dogs but dun, for the love of peanuts, let her go wif him in a car 'gain!"

"Ye would need speak to Lord Lankyn about that Tara. He was the one that made the command for Glanhelmion to act as ye guard."

Cyclops dun like trouble, Miss Des. He likes to keep everybody happy but Tara thought he should know what stupid Glanhelmion said about the leather thing she was trapped on. So she said, "He threatened to rape her on the glass stuffs! "

But Cyclops was not moved and did not kill the stupid boy like she wanted. And that's okay she supposes. He is in charge of a lot of people and can't be worrying about when some of us don't get along. She is not mad at Cyclops at all. He told that stupid Glanhelmion to be nice to her in the future and that was just fine with me.

But then Tara had to go home cuz she was feeling real bad and hurting all over. It's a good thing she can teleport, Miss Des, cuz Tara could not be walking or flying in her condition. Before she got home she went to go see the Sawbones. He took one look at her all covered in bruises and hunched over like her spine was all messed up and he said:

"What the hell happened to you!"

And Tara told him. That's when he started putting the casts on her. The milky white fluid tickled Tara's skin and the Sawbones kept yelling at her to be quiet. She tried to be quiet but it made her giggle. The nurse that was helping the Sawbones said to him "She's cute." but he just glared. Then when he was done he stepped back to look at what he had done.

"There. You look like a mummy. See?" and he turned the mirror in his office to Tara so she could see what he did.

Tara blinked because she doesn't cast a reflection and before she could tell the doctor or nurse that, the nurse looked in the mirror first and screamed. "She's not there!" The Sawbones saw it too and he started to cross himself like the old ladies do at the church, right, and Tara waved her good, uncasted, arm at him and said "No! She can explain!"

But it was too late. The Sawbones and the nurse ran out of the room screaming and left Tara all alone. This made her a little sad until she noticed there was a lot of glass jars on the shelf that had stuffs in them she ain't ever seen before. She went up to one of them and when she opened it she saw that there were little clouds inside that when put on the tongue taste fuzzy. Some of them clouds got stuck to her fangs and made her talk funny, but she liked them a whole bunch so she stuffed as many as she could in her pockets so she could show Talomar.

Then Tara saw there was this metal object that had a circular blade on it. There was a button on the handle that Tara pressed that made the circular blade start spinning real fast like that stupid boy Glanhelmion Tasartir's car, right? Tara noticed that if you put the circular blade to somefin, like the bed or the counter, it cut it up and makes a lot of sparks like the smithy does when he slams his hammer down on his anvil?

Yeah.

That circular blade is real cool, Miss Des.

So Tara, thinking about it, she took it with her and as she was hobbling home, all covered in casts, and sniffling to herself about the way she looked, she met a nice girl with pigtails like hers. She say "Herro," to Tara when she came near. Tara said "Herro," in return cuz that's the polite thing to do. "What's wrong wif ya?" the nice girl asked and began to poke at her casts. This made Tara angry so she swatted at her too and said "Nuffin! Go away!"

But the nice girl didn't and started to tease Tara, calling her Bandage Head, so Tara put the circular blade to hers.

And now she don't have one anymore.

Love N Kisses,

D.C.K.