Well it is all official like now. Jean is really gone. My beloved French Pirate has gone down with his ship just as any true Captain would do that cared about his men. I don?t like that he did that but I do understand that is the way he was. He was an honorable man and he died one.

I am having a very hard time dealing with his loss. Sometimes I am just fine. I can smile and laugh and be my same old self and other times the pain of it all comes crashing down around me and I can?t stop it from taking me over until I just can?t stand it and I have to escape. I don?t like to cry in public. I never have so I have been having to leave when that happens.

I feel badly for running out on my friends like I have been but I?m hoping that they will understand that is it nothing personal I just can?t stay with them right now when the pain comes over me like that I just have to get away until I can find Gav or Tass to make it go away.

I went back to the cemetery today by myself this time. I sat in front of that headstone and I talked for a long time with my Jean. You see he had told me that he wants for me to be happy and to not mourn him for a long time. Well I know him and he wasn?t lying when he told me them things in his letter.

So I was talking to him and telling him all about how I was feeling about Gav and how he has been taking care of me and watching over me and everything and that I had almost kissed him the other night and that Gav had put his fingers over my lips to stop me from hauling off and kissing him. I swear I thought I heard my Jean laughing at me.

It could have been my imagination but he did used to laugh a lot at the messes I would get myself into by not stopping to think first. Then he would go and fix it for me with that pirate smile of his and a few words of French whispered in my ear. I am so going to miss him. I?m sure he is still going to watch out for me though. He just won?t be here anymore is all.

After I talked with him I?m going to take his words to heart. Sitting around crying and drinking all the time is not doing honor to his memory and the love that we shared. It makes it into something wicked and that just ain?t right. I have spent three days now not facing what I?ve been feeling and the time has come to deal with this.

Like I was telling Jean this morning I love him dearly but he is gone and I can?t bring him back no matter what I do. I have loved Gav from the moment I set eyes on him years and years ago and he is still alive. Jean did give me his blessing if I found love again. Well I didn?t find it, it was always there, the person that belonged to it was gone for a long time.

A lot of my friends have offered their homes to Gav and I to come and stay but I am happy in our apartment being so close to everything and all that so far we are staying right here. I?m thinking maybe sometime we could go visiting them for a weekend or something like that.

I was telling Jean that it is strange but the apartment feels like it belongs to Gav and I because he and I have lived there together longer than my Jean and I did already. Fate is a very fickle thing and I thought sure that I could feel Jean stroking my hair when I told him that as though to say he understood. But he always understood me. Most of the time I didn?t even have to explain he just knew what I was trying to say.

So I think my Beloved French Pirate and I got everything worked out today. He knows what I?m feeling and how much I?ll miss him forever and always and two days. But I ain?t the type to lay down and die or crawl into a bottle to find peace or mope around when a second chance at love is staring me in the face.

It might not be the best timing in the world but like I said before fate is fickle and I?ll be danged if I?m gonna miss out on a chance at love just because the timing sucks.