Dear Miss Des,
She be tinkin that you is angry with her cuz she did not come to you's wedding to that Gavilean fellow and she wanted to write you to explain. Now Tara ain't much fer formal apologies and whathaveya but she is doin her best so dun make fun of her or nuffin or she'll rip up the flowers in yer garden out of spite.
Which, by the way, yer flowers is an eyesore and you have no taste. If you think about it, Tara will be doin you a favor.
Everyone knows you dun put tulips with daisies in the same pot. What the hell is that Partridge lady been teachin you, hmm?
Not gardening! That's fer damn sure!
The reason why Tara did not come to you's wedding was because two days before yer ball-n-chain ceremony, a nice man come up to Tara and ask her if she wanted to be in a missionary position. Tara said to him, "Okies, but we gonna have to pretend else hubby find out and tear yer face off, ya hear?" The man, he's kinda stupid, you know, cuz he's a boy, he replied, "What in the name of Satan is you talking about, lady!" To which Tara replied, "She be having trouble figgerin out what she be meaning on a good day and since today's a bad day, you is plum out of luck, dumbass!" He did not like that too much but said Tara could follow him. So she did.
Now Tara was tinkin it was gonna be one big wumpa-fest with all the peoples nekkid, climbing all over each other, groaning and grunting like they's was pigs in the mud, but they's was all clothed and kept saying "God Bless" over and over. Tara was at the back of the line, all confused cuz nobody was taking off they's's clothes, you know, holding one of them books they's's gave her, and tryin to be part of the team but when this skinny lady came walking by with her two children holding her hands and Tara got a look at her scary face all pimply and distorted and she said, "Good God, what the hell is you!" Well, the lady, she started cryin, like she was all sad, and the man, the one that gave Tara the invitation, he said "Now look what you did! You made her cry." To which Tara said "Well, is nuh like it's gonna hurt her any. You's jus' can't git any more scary-lookin than that! An' did you see her nose?! Gods, she's a freak!"
So Tara got kicked out of the missionary position.
This was, hmm, what you do call them things, oh, right, a blessing in sheep's clothing?, or somesuch phrase, cuz she dun tink Talomar would want her to be having wumpa with other men even if they's was nice to her, fer a little while. As hubby say, "You only do the missionary position with me, woman." An' that's just fine with her cuz her hubby is vera handsome and she like when he be kissing up on her, under her chin, and nibbling on her neck as he do. Talomar is a vera good kisser, you know. And when we do wumpa, we does it nekkid. Like is proper. Them peoples with the books be doin it the wrong way, let her tell you!
After Tara got kicked out, she was feeling kinda lonely, cuz, you know, Tara dun have much to do when hubby's at work. Marius is always chasing Gertrude (she's his nanny) around the castle, and Scabology classes is out fer the Summer, so she is vera bored all the time. She tries to make a good home fer Talomar but somefin always be goin wrong. She be telling him she wants to get a job, to contribute to the marriage, but he never listens and he wun let her do nuffin!
So Tara thought she should maybe give back to the community.
It's hard being a good person, she know, but if she puts her mind to somefin, she always pulls through. Tara got to tinkin "What can she do to make peoples know she loves them very much?" Because Tara has a lot of friends, like you Miss Des, you is her friend, even if she dun always wanna be seen with you in public cuz yer a terrible dresser. She went down to the fountain in the town square to think. Sometimes she sits there fer a long time, watching all the birdies and the smelly mortals, walking around, acting as if they's have all the time in the world when Tara really knows they's dun. And as she was swishing her fingers through the water, she got an idea!
Peoples, you know, the smelly kind? Yeah, well, they's's need water. You's can go somefin like thirty days wifout food but only seven wifout water. Water is the source of Life, Tara knows. Everybody needs it. And where there is water, there is peoples. It's one of those vicious circle kind of things that makes no sense but happens anyway.
So Tara thought it would be nice to give water to peoples that dun got any.
She found this cute little well in the back of this man's yard and she spent all day going down the bucket, filling it with water, climbing back up and distributing it to all the peoples. What a pain in the ass that was. She was real tired but she kept on. Well they's was so happy! They's was sayin "Oh! Thank you, Tara! You is so kind!"
It made Tara feel funny in her belly when they's said that and she started gigglin.
She couldn't stop neither and some guy saw her, thought she was having a fit, and began patting her on the back which made her mad and she made him blind, he screamed fer a long time....
There was a lot of blood...
Say, Miss Des, do you's think you wanna try some of Tara's water? She wun charge you or nuffin. She jus' wanna have an opinion she trusts. You know, these peoples, the stinky ones, they's dun know much about how good water is or is nuh. Maybe if you drink some, you can let Tara know if it's good.
You is one of her bestest friends, Miss Des.
There ain't nobody nicer than you!
Oh!
She almost forgot!
Tara gave Talomar the gunpowder stuffs fer Father's Day and he was vera pleased. He put it down in the dungeon and told her not to touch it, sayin that it was real bad and she could git hurt if it were to go on fire. So she listened but when he was asleep she got to wondering what would happen if she mixed the fire with the gunpowder stuffs so she snuck down to the dungeon, took her a cup of the stuffs, and threw it into the fireplace downstairs, you know where we's got married?
Yeah, well we dun have a Grand Hall anymore.
I hope he dun git mad.
Love,
Yer Friend DCK
She be tinkin that you is angry with her cuz she did not come to you's wedding to that Gavilean fellow and she wanted to write you to explain. Now Tara ain't much fer formal apologies and whathaveya but she is doin her best so dun make fun of her or nuffin or she'll rip up the flowers in yer garden out of spite.
Which, by the way, yer flowers is an eyesore and you have no taste. If you think about it, Tara will be doin you a favor.
Everyone knows you dun put tulips with daisies in the same pot. What the hell is that Partridge lady been teachin you, hmm?
Not gardening! That's fer damn sure!
The reason why Tara did not come to you's wedding was because two days before yer ball-n-chain ceremony, a nice man come up to Tara and ask her if she wanted to be in a missionary position. Tara said to him, "Okies, but we gonna have to pretend else hubby find out and tear yer face off, ya hear?" The man, he's kinda stupid, you know, cuz he's a boy, he replied, "What in the name of Satan is you talking about, lady!" To which Tara replied, "She be having trouble figgerin out what she be meaning on a good day and since today's a bad day, you is plum out of luck, dumbass!" He did not like that too much but said Tara could follow him. So she did.
Now Tara was tinkin it was gonna be one big wumpa-fest with all the peoples nekkid, climbing all over each other, groaning and grunting like they's was pigs in the mud, but they's was all clothed and kept saying "God Bless" over and over. Tara was at the back of the line, all confused cuz nobody was taking off they's's clothes, you know, holding one of them books they's's gave her, and tryin to be part of the team but when this skinny lady came walking by with her two children holding her hands and Tara got a look at her scary face all pimply and distorted and she said, "Good God, what the hell is you!" Well, the lady, she started cryin, like she was all sad, and the man, the one that gave Tara the invitation, he said "Now look what you did! You made her cry." To which Tara said "Well, is nuh like it's gonna hurt her any. You's jus' can't git any more scary-lookin than that! An' did you see her nose?! Gods, she's a freak!"
So Tara got kicked out of the missionary position.
This was, hmm, what you do call them things, oh, right, a blessing in sheep's clothing?, or somesuch phrase, cuz she dun tink Talomar would want her to be having wumpa with other men even if they's was nice to her, fer a little while. As hubby say, "You only do the missionary position with me, woman." An' that's just fine with her cuz her hubby is vera handsome and she like when he be kissing up on her, under her chin, and nibbling on her neck as he do. Talomar is a vera good kisser, you know. And when we do wumpa, we does it nekkid. Like is proper. Them peoples with the books be doin it the wrong way, let her tell you!
After Tara got kicked out, she was feeling kinda lonely, cuz, you know, Tara dun have much to do when hubby's at work. Marius is always chasing Gertrude (she's his nanny) around the castle, and Scabology classes is out fer the Summer, so she is vera bored all the time. She tries to make a good home fer Talomar but somefin always be goin wrong. She be telling him she wants to get a job, to contribute to the marriage, but he never listens and he wun let her do nuffin!
So Tara thought she should maybe give back to the community.
It's hard being a good person, she know, but if she puts her mind to somefin, she always pulls through. Tara got to tinkin "What can she do to make peoples know she loves them very much?" Because Tara has a lot of friends, like you Miss Des, you is her friend, even if she dun always wanna be seen with you in public cuz yer a terrible dresser. She went down to the fountain in the town square to think. Sometimes she sits there fer a long time, watching all the birdies and the smelly mortals, walking around, acting as if they's have all the time in the world when Tara really knows they's dun. And as she was swishing her fingers through the water, she got an idea!
Peoples, you know, the smelly kind? Yeah, well, they's's need water. You's can go somefin like thirty days wifout food but only seven wifout water. Water is the source of Life, Tara knows. Everybody needs it. And where there is water, there is peoples. It's one of those vicious circle kind of things that makes no sense but happens anyway.
So Tara thought it would be nice to give water to peoples that dun got any.
She found this cute little well in the back of this man's yard and she spent all day going down the bucket, filling it with water, climbing back up and distributing it to all the peoples. What a pain in the ass that was. She was real tired but she kept on. Well they's was so happy! They's was sayin "Oh! Thank you, Tara! You is so kind!"
It made Tara feel funny in her belly when they's said that and she started gigglin.
She couldn't stop neither and some guy saw her, thought she was having a fit, and began patting her on the back which made her mad and she made him blind, he screamed fer a long time....
There was a lot of blood...
Say, Miss Des, do you's think you wanna try some of Tara's water? She wun charge you or nuffin. She jus' wanna have an opinion she trusts. You know, these peoples, the stinky ones, they's dun know much about how good water is or is nuh. Maybe if you drink some, you can let Tara know if it's good.
You is one of her bestest friends, Miss Des.
There ain't nobody nicer than you!
Oh!
She almost forgot!
Tara gave Talomar the gunpowder stuffs fer Father's Day and he was vera pleased. He put it down in the dungeon and told her not to touch it, sayin that it was real bad and she could git hurt if it were to go on fire. So she listened but when he was asleep she got to wondering what would happen if she mixed the fire with the gunpowder stuffs so she snuck down to the dungeon, took her a cup of the stuffs, and threw it into the fireplace downstairs, you know where we's got married?
Yeah, well we dun have a Grand Hall anymore.
I hope he dun git mad.
Love,
Yer Friend DCK