The Walking Tour

Here we go now. Everyone ready to tour? Right this way. Be sure to watch out for that rusted piece of metal there. Oh! Don't walk too closely to that crumbling brick wall. You wouldn't BELIEVE the mess we had to clean up when that poor man got flattened like a pancake last time we---nevermind, nevermind, we're almost up to safety standards as it is here at Kesey--you can't imagine how handy it is to have a new inspector who loves a greasy palm--I mean, look up there! See those balconies? You get quite the view of the city if you want one of our apartments with a balcony. Remember that gory homicide last month? You could see the victim's mangled body and everything from up there.

That? Don't worry about that. It's only some overgrown plant. Shrubbery, really. We think it gives the place character. Makes it look distinguished, classic even.

You think it just nabbed that pigeon flying right by it? Are you sure? Nope, nope, I don't see anything. No carnivorous plant here! No siree. Besides, pigeons are rats with wings if I do say so myself. The less of them around the better off we are. Moving on! Our three joined apartment buildings boast nineteen stories each.

What's that? Elevators?



Uh, sure we have elevators here. Mmhmm you can absolutely see those too.

Ride in them? You probably don't want to do that unless you're looking to gamble with your life--what? I mean, you can't beat the chance for free exercise by taking the stairs. We could all use a little help getting rid of those stubborn love handles don't you think, sport?

A gym? Sure sure we have recreational facilities here at Kesey. Why just last month we found--added, we added a hand-eye coordination machine to your left out here in the courtyard.



Yes, in some cultures it's also known as a foosball table. But it does wonders for your motor skills!

The wooden pieces? Yes, yes you're right traditionally you find them modeled after uniformed soccer players.



Yes, you're right again. These players here are anatomically correct and half-naked. Those? Those are...er....tribal signs painted on them! We strive to support the arts here at Kesey by embracing all sorts of works in every way, shape and form. Why don't we take a quick look at the pool now while we're--- ow, ow, ow! My f*ing foot!

WHICH ONE OF YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING DEADBEATS LEFT THESE PAINT CANS OUT HERE?! IF YOU CAN'T PAY YOUR RENT ON TIME YOU DEFINITELY CAN'T LEAVE YOUR CRAP LYING AROUND YOU HOOLIGANS!



I mean to say, kids today.

Where were we? Ah yes the pool. There it is! And moving on now--

Why can't we go take a better look at it you ask?



How much is there to see? A pool is a pool is a pool don't you think?

Uh, the color? It must be the new cleaning solution we're using or someone tweaked the chlorine amount again. You're right that's not a normal shade of green for a swimming pool.

Do people swim in it? Well what do you qualify as 'people'? Such a subjective term I think. Moving on! We have some delicious fruitcake in the main office if you'll just follow me, I'll be happy to serve you some while we review your lease.