Topic: Speak Roughly

Lizzie Liddell

Date: 2009-01-12 15:34 EST
And the license said you had to stick around until I was dead.
But if you're tired of looking at my face, I guess I already am.
But you've never been a waste of my time. It's never been a drag.
So take a deep breath and count back from ten. And maybe you'll be alright.
Liz Phair - Divorce Song



Sterile white walls contained sharp contemporary furniture made from wood the color of espresso and frosted glass. Every decorative vase or piece of art was angled and unwelcoming in varying shades of grays and blues. Ink blots and diplomas were framed, hung painstakingly straight in a row. There was a leather couch in the middle of the room that looked uncomfortable, most likely because it was. Just sitting on it would cause your back to pop into perfect posture no matter how hard to tried to flop against the crisp overstuffed pillows. Beside it sat a high back chair of similar design, just as inhospitable. Nothing about the room made you want to relax. Nothing about it made you want to sit for hours. Nothing urged you to bare your soul to a stranger.

But that's just what was expected of you in therapy.

The couple sat on the couch, one on either side yet still looking ready to crawl over the armrests just to put more thick air of unresolved issues between them. The wife wore a pantsuit of tan, a string of pearls draped along her collarbone. Her dirty blonde hair was fixed into a bun at the nape of her neck, a few loose curls framing the sun kissed skin of her face. Her eyes were a deep blue, but her gaze was so severe behind thick framed glasses it was almost impossible to find the beauty in them. Her husband on the other hand was dressed in jeans and a button up flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His thick hair was somewhat short, but still managed to be messy. It was a soft brown, just as his mustache, the color of weak tea. His mouth was working nonstop even though no sounds came out. A nervous tick it seemed, that caused him to stretch his lips, rewet them and gnaw at the edges.

An older woman sat in the high back chair beside them, somehow leaning back into the leather and almost looking at home. A clipboard propped on the knee of her crossed legs, a pen set to paper and ready to scribble down notes at any moment. She offered a guarded smile and spoke in a gentle tone that she had paid good money to learn.

"Why don't we pick up where we left off during our last session? Caroline, you said that you had been feeling trapped lately. Do you think we could expand on that? I know it might be hard to put those feelings into words, but remember that you can take as much time as you need." The Good Doctor offered that friendly mask once more. It was better for her when people had a hard time expressing themselves because it always meant they had to come back for another session, which meant another bill for them.

Caroline had her arms folded tightly across her chest. A shocking move since she would normally never do anything that could possibly wrinkle her clothing. Long legs were crossed at the knee, her high heel clad foot bouncing rapidly in irritation. It would make you think she didn't want to be here, but in fact it was her idea. The man that sat to her left was calm, watching her with a soft expression and looking ready to absorb any information that might help him mend the rift between them. This only caused her to glare at him in disgust before she sighed and looked to the doctor as she spoke.

"When Robert and I first got married everything was interesting and new. It was unpredictable! He made me feel alive. Now every day of my life is the same drawn out schedule. I go to work, which honestly is a relief to me because that changes on a daily basis, but then I come home to the same monotony."

The Good Doctor nodded as her hand moved quickly across her notepad not paying much attention to the poor husband staring at his wife with the look of a wounded puppy. He slowly shook his head turning sad green eyes onto the Doctor.

"I had no idea. I thought we were all happy until just recently. I tried to give her everything-"

The wife let out a bark of laughter that cut him off. She was beginning to look volatile. Almost as if she was hoping that if she pushed him hard enough he would finally push back. Unfortunately for her he had barely pushed back during his entire life, let alone their five years of marriage. She finally hissed out her reply, "I don't want you to give me everything. It's predictable to know that you'll give in to whatever I say and do." She snorted and narrowed her eyes. "You don't stand up to anyone over anything. You're spineless."

"How does that even make sense?" Robert's gaze shifted to his wife. "You're mad because I unconditionally provide you with everything you need?"

Caroline sputtered. It was unclear if she was upset that her own backwards logic was being tossed into her face or if she had finally reached the point in her breakdown where she couldn't form words. Finally she was able to screech out the reply. "I am tired, Robert, of this life! Of being trapped! I am tired of it and I am tired of you!"

Robert winced and sunk back into the couch now staring straight ahead. He began gnawing at the edge of his lips again. Caroline was finally still, her expression twisted into one of horror at her own cruelty. The silence infested the air making it hard for the couple to breath. Finally, it was the Good Doctor who spoke in a soft tone.

"It's not uncommon for people to feel trapped now and then throughout their marriages. It takes a lot of work and cooperation to make things feel exciting and new with every passing year." She spoke as if she were reading straight from a text book. "First, we must have you both come to an agreement that this is what you want. That you believe your family is worth fighting for." She looked between the pair. Caroline didn't move, but Robert was nodding his head slowly.

"I want to make this work, Caroline. We have to make it work." Robert looked to his wife with a pleading expression. It made her narrow her eyes and grit her teeth. She stared at him for a long while before sighing out her answer flatly. "I want to fight for our family." The way she said it made it sound like she had already given up, but before it could be pointed out the Good Doctor went on.

"Good, good!" She chirped as she continued switching between writing and shuffling through her papers. "Which brings me to the next question, have either of you discussed any of these issues with your daughter," she quickly flipped through her notes to find the name before turning her gaze on the pair. "Lindsey?"

Lizzie Liddell

Date: 2009-02-19 13:08 EST
I'm ripe with things to say. The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home, I'd read it every day.
Blink 182 - Stay Together For The Kids



"Do you prefer being called Lizzie rather than Lindsey?" The Good Doctor cooed in a voice that was surprisingly sweet for someone who looked so uptight. Muddy brown eyes did their best to appear soft over the rim of her reading glasses. Her thin lips pulled into a tight smile. The effect was unfortunately more disturbing rather than comforting, but she either didn?t realize it or didn?t care.

The child that sat on the couch across from her made no effort to appear friendly. Lanky legs were pulled up to her body with similarly spindly arms hugging them tightly to her chest. Her chin rested atop one of her knees. From behind her curtain of blonde locks her gaze would drift between staring straight ahead blankly to the Good Doctor. It was so unfortunate to see such pretty blue eyes spoiled as they would narrow briefly at the woman before shifting back to open space once more. Aside from that she didn't move. She didn't talk. A hostile glare was the only proof she wasn't blind, deaf, and dumb.

"Very well, since you don't seem to mind I will call you Lindsey." Was she trying to anger the girl into speaking? Tricky Doctor. "It says that you're four years old, is that right?" The woman continued, seemingly not caring about the dagger laced looks she was getting. She had been in this field for many years and a temperamental child wasn't the worst thing she had ever experienced. The little girl stared straight ahead. The sound of pen scratching across paper as the Doctor took notes was the only sound that filled the room between questions. After a long while the Doctor removed her glasses and set to cleaning the lenses with a cloth pulled from her pocket as she barreled on through the deafening silence.

"Your Father says you've barely spoken," a shuffle of papers as she flipped through her notepad. "For two and a half weeks according to him. You know that's not good, don't you? You have to tell people how you're feeling. You have to let them know what's going on so they can help you. We all just want to help you, Lindsey."

Lizzie gnawed at her bottom lip, unfazed by the pain she was causing herself if any. Help. That's all everyone wanted to do for her in one way or another. Everyone futilely searched for the act of kindness that would make her feel human again. The right look that would explain she'll eventually feel better. The magic words that would help her understand that this wasn't going to be forever. She hated it all. How people seemed to just think that a switch she could flip on and off controlled the pain.

The only person she thought understood was her Dad. He was a man of few words himself and never adhered to the concept of speaking simply to fill the silence. So, why did he betray her? Why was she here now? Why couldn't they just sit on the couch like they had been doing? Watching TV in silence until it was time to go to bed. Instead he brought her here. Told her it was okay to share. Told her that it was better than keeping it all inside. Why was it okay for him and not for her? These were the questions that filled her head for the last two and a half weeks when she wasn't sleeping. It was all she thought about. They consumed her and weighed her down. But she refused to talk about it. She didn't know what to say. So, she decided to say nothing at all.

The Good Doctor put her glasses back on and adjusted them so they perched atop her nose just right. Her hands were folded together, forefingers creating a steeple that was tapped against her lips in thought. Lizzie thought the woman fidgeted enough for the both of them. Finally, the Doctor spoke in a plain tone.

"Can you tell me what happened the night your Mother left?"

Lizzie Liddell

Date: 2009-02-19 17:14 EST
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don?t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Everclear - Wonderful



"Tell me what you want, because I sure as hell don't know! If you tell me what you want then I can try to fix it!"

Please stop yelling. Just please stop being so loud. Stop being so angry. Please.

Lizzie knew her Father wasn't talking to her, but it didn't stop her from hoping with every fiber of her being that he would somehow hear her thoughts through her bedroom door and pass the words along to her Mother. Her body was curled into the corner of her bed, a blanket pulled so tightly over her head she thought she would suffocate before everything calmed down in the living room. But she was safe under here. It was a science similar to hiding from the Boogie Man. God, Lizzie would have given anything right now if all she had to deal with was a monster in her closet ready to eat her as she slept.

There was more screaming. It was her Mother's turn now. They kept going back and forth. X's and O's. When one was close to winning the other would block. It would end in a cat's game and the board was reset ready for the next round. That's how they played.

"Robert, you can't fix anything! You don't do anything! You work, you come home and you sit, day in and day out. How can you live like that!? How can you be happy!?" The volume of her voice was shifting between louder and softer as she went on. She was pacing. The movement always made Robert nervous. A well played strategy.

The hurt from her question touched his tone briefly, but as his words continued to pour they shifted back to pure anger. "I'm happy because I have you and Lizzie! I'm happy because I have a job! Because we have a roof over our heads and food on the table! I'm happy because we have a good life, Caroline!"

She broke into manic laughter. Lizzie was thankful she could only hear it muffled through the walls. She didn't want to see what her Mother looked like when she made that sound. "So, this is okay for you? Forever? Day after day?" She sighed heavily, "Would you do me a favor and grow up? This is not what I want for the rest of my life!"

There was silence. How was the quiet scarier than the yelling? Lizzie strained to listen. Maybe they were saying they were sorry? Maybe they were hugging and whispering how much they cared about each other? Calm quiet words about how silly their fight was? How they felt bad for putting poor Lizzie through hearing all of that and how they should take her to Central Park tomorrow so they could all ride the carousel like they used to?

She heard movement and a moment later her bedroom door opened. High heels clicked across the wooden floorboards as her Mother moved towards her. The mattress sagged lightly when she sat on the edge.

"Lizzie." Caroline spoke softly. "Lizzie, you have to come out." After a long while Lizzie peeked out from under her makeshift fortress, glassy blue eyes staring up at her Mother sadly. Caroline reached over and carefully pulled Lizzie onto her lap while still leaving her wrapped up. A few loose strands of blonde were brushed away from the little girl's face. Neither of them spoke. The time was simply filled with gentle hugs and long looks. Lizzie was confused at first because her Mother was rarely so warm, but it didn't take long for her to stop thinking about it and simply revel in her Mother's embrace.

It felt like moments, but an hour quickly came and went. Caroline slid her half asleep Daughter back into bed adjusting a pillow under her head. "Listen, Lizzie." It was amazing how serious and delicate she could sound in the same breath. "You won't understand why all of this is happening right now, maybe not for a very long time. You won't like it and you might not like me-" Caroline lifted her hand to silence Lizzie?s sleepy protest. "Listen. Just remember that I love you. And I'm sorry. And I hope one day you'll understand and forgive me."

Before the girl could ask any questions to soothe her confusion, Caroline pressed her lips to Lizzie's forehead. She lingered by the bedside while Lizzie drifted off to sleep. Straggled through the bedroom hoping her words would be remembered. Then, with one last glance over her shoulder she stepped out into the hallway closing the bedroom door with a soft click. She stood with her hand on the knob, hoping she was making the right decision.

Then, finding her resolve once more, she marched to her own bedroom to pack.

Lizzie Liddell

Date: 2009-03-10 12:49 EST
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You



"We've been coming here almost every other day for a month and she still barely says a word. She's no better than when I first brought her here. Are you even trying!?" Robert fell silent, his visage briefly filled with surprise at his own harsh words before melting back into his usual solemn demeanor. He shifted briefly on the leather couch. Oh, how he came to hate that couch. Part of him felt horrible for making his daughter sit on it so often with the Good Doctor perched before her. A larger part felt he was doing the right thing. He just wanted to help. He still couldn't make sense of what exactly tore their family apart. He was drowning in his own thoughts on a daily basis and that wasn't what he wanted for Lizzie.

"Therapy isn't an exact science, Robert. There is no set schedule concerning how long it takes for someone to have a breakthrough. For some it happens within days. For others, it could take years. Unfortunately, there are even some who never find what they're searching for but that doesn't mean you can give up hope." The Doctor's gaze was pointed down towards her notepad, writing as she spoke. She didn't seem at all phased by this line of conversation. She was used to people thinking that was she did was a quick fix. Once she finished her current set of notes she folded her hands in her lap turning her full attention on him. "How have you yourself been, Robert? Have you heard from Caroline at all since she left?"

He visibly winced at the named. It was like a hot knife digging into an old wound on his side. Something he carefully tended to and mended that she tore open without so much as a warning. He spoke through gritted teeth, "She won?t actually speak to me herself. It?s always a lawyer that contacts me with nothing but nonsense about divorce and paperwork. But I'm not here to talk about myself. Obviously, whatever you're doing with Lizzie isn't helping. She's sinking everyday." His jaw tensed and relaxed. His stern exterior was released revealing a man at the end of his rope. Worn down, defeated, and clutching at any loose strands he could grasp. "You have to help me. Help her."

"Robert, I am doing what I can. There is only so far you can reach out to a person. Nothing can be done if they don't reach back." Her lips pursed tightly, head tilting forward a bit to peer at him over the rim of her glasses. "Perhaps if you don't feel progress is being made we could look into other means of helping Lindsey."

"Lizzie," Robert correct absentmindedly before her statement really caught his attention. Brows furrowed, "what sort of other means?"

Her lips were still pursed. It was the first time in any session where she stalled; though she would never admit that's what she was doing. She lifted her hands, casually gesturing as she spoke. "What I am suggesting is that we look into a medicinal approach to your daughter's depression. There have been some phenomenal breakthroughs in studies concerning children and medication to help gently modify behavioral issues."

He stared at her unblinking, his expression blank at first. A canvas for the emotions that quickly overtook him one by one. Disbelief, sadness, anger. Each one painted itself across his face until he finally spat out the words that matched. "You have got to be kidding me! You want to drug my daughter?!" His head was shaking, the motion creeping down his shoulder to his arms and hands that balled into fists resting atop his thighs. "Lizzie doesn't need pills. She just needs someone to talk to! How could you even suggest popping pills as a logical solution?" His hand was lifted; a finger stabbed the air sharply in her direction. For once the Doctor actually looked taken aback by something occurring in this office. A generally quiet man taking a bold stand against her for his daughter was all it took.

The Good Doctor finally found her voice, it wavered at first but she quickly found solid ground once more. "I apologize if I have offended you, Mr. Liddell. You said that my previous means were not radical enough to help your daughter so I was simply trying to find a new path. If that is not to your liking then perhaps I have another method which will be more acceptable." The tension in the room was thick, but the glare that Robert still wore didn't falter. The Doctor continued as carefully as she could manage. "Lizzie is waiting for you in the lobby. Why don't we postpone her session for the day and instead you can bring her on Wednesday as you had already planned. By then I will have a new approach worked out and we can see how it goes, hm?" She offered a sugary sweet smile hoping it would soften up the man. It didn't.

Robert was frozen for a moment longer until he simply nodded in agreement and rose to his feet. He gave the woman one more hard look before making his way out into the lobby. Lizzie was curled into one of the hard plastic chairs that lined the wall twirling a stray lock of blonde hair around her finger. When she saw her Father enter the lobby she heaved a heavy sigh and slid out of the chair, sticking out her chin and chest while she straightened. It was her fighting stance when she was going to battle that beast of a Doctor. But her Father simply shook his head and put a hand on her shoulder guiding her towards the front door instead.

"Not today, Gecko. Today we rest."