Hello all of my adoring fans -- all three of you. Shout out to my girls Tay-Tay, Leez, and Rhia. Also to my roomies, if you boys are reading this -- if not, you suck. Pick up your skank's panties off the kitchen counter next time, Ricky. Nobody wants to accidentally touch those when they are grabbing for the coffee first thing in the afternoon. Just because half of Rhydin has touched your girl's undies doesn't mean the rest of us want to. Just sayin'.

Annnyway. The whole point of this diary blog is to document my job as new intern for the RhyDin Rewind. Woo! Go me! I am officially a part of the hottest radio talk show in Rhydin. Okay, okay...yes, I know what you are thinking. Maybe I am just fetching things for Seirichi and Harris, and washing Seirichi's panties but you know you are totally jealous that you aren't touching her drawers. Nasty pervs.

I was totally mentioned on the radio this morning, too. I'm famous now. Well, I am! Have you had your name dropped over the radio airwaves? Didn't think so; stop being jelly. Sure, I was called a "lapdog" and a "wee lass" but I think those were just pet names given out of gratitude for the hard work I have already done. I'm an optimist so don't infect me with all of your pessimism and reality. I mean sure, I ruined a new manicure trying to get barbecue sauce out Harris' favorite boxers-- not sure how it got all over the crotchetal opening (it isn't nice to speculate and gossip), but all jobs have their challenges. Also, my knee is feeling better already after some ice and pain killers. Seirichi even apologized for accidentally tripping me when I walked past carrying her box of donuts, their coffee, and the basket of laundry. And all of you guys thought she would be mean to me! In yo face!

While I would love to sit here and make you all jealous with more stories of my glamorous new job, I have to go scrub the toilet. Apparently Seirichi can't eat nine donuts for breakfast anymore without getting ill because of morning sickness. Poor thing.

Oh, before I go! Yes, Jax...Nell Holiday really is as hot in person as she sounds on the radio. She has awesome fashion sense too. Sequined hotpants are soooo...well, hot. No, I didn't have her autograph my boob so don't even ask...I knew you were thinking it.

~Toodles, bitches!

P.S. I took a pic for you guys. Bow down and worship!

http://cfc.polyvoreimg.com/cgi/img-set/.sig/AATp1rQugL3IoKatONoGw/cid/88030558/id/nnkYYT3HQZS4IT0zXSHEbA/size/c600x276.jpg

Ugh! The intern needs a freaking intern! I'm so tired that I keep looking at the screen and zoning out.

Here's the scoop: I was up writing a paper until around 2 because I couldn't do it earlier because yesterday evening was one of my scheduled nights to shop for my client. So I finally get to bed and start snoring (this is an exaggeration because there is no way that I snore!), and then I get a phone call at 2:40. Care to take a guess who it was from? Well...it was the most annoying voice to hear in the middle of the night. No, the other most annoying voice -- there would be absolutely NO reason to hear Harris' voice in the middle of the night. You can't see it but I just shuddered.

Anyway! It was Seirichi and can you guess what she wanted? She wanted a dragon steak. Right, that's what I thought too. Who in the hell eats dragon steak in the middle of the night and where did she think I was going to get it? So, obviously there was no way I was going to be able to get that for her so I made up a meat substitute steak for her because ANIMALS ARE OUR FRIENDS, SEIRICHI...but when I got to her house, she was asleep. Her nanny was very unhappy that I would bring food in the middle of the night too. She said something about Seirichi's baby would be unhealthy and she stared A LOT. What is up with that chick?

So, I got into work this morning after two hours of sleep and she verbally assaulted me while inquiring why I didn't do my job and bring her what she asked for. She was threatening to fire me so I did the only thing I could do -- I blamed the nanny. That's right, you read that correctly. I threw the nanny under the proverbial bus. Maybe if she had been less rude, I wouldn't have.

After that was cleared up, I thought I was in the free and clear and then something absolutely horrifying happened. Seirichi grabbed my butt. And no, Ricky, I didn't like it. Pervert. I tried to keep very calm and pretend like it didn't happen and walked away slowly. I think if I had tried to run away like my mind was screaming at me to do, it would have just fueled her advances because she strikes me very much as someone that likes to chase her prey.

I thought it would be Harris I had to worry about when I signed that contract that said I wouldn't sue the station if I was sexually harassed. It never occurred to me that it would be the other one.

Someone show some love and bring me coffee. The stuff here at the station has pee in it. I have nooo idea how that happened. You can't see it, but my halo is glowing.

Later~

So, I totally blew off posting an entry yesterday. Why, you ask? Because I was totally hungover. Actually, I was still drunk by the time I got home. I don't even remember coming home or how I got home but there was a note laying on my bed, along with a picture, and I was still in the clothes I wore to The Brawler except for my boots. If I tell you who left the note, you all will totally be harassing me...but just know he was apparently a total gentleman!

The picture was of some redheaded girl about to kiss another girl. Totally wasn't me, don't care what he says, because I wasn't wearing a black shirt that night. I mean, it looks like me but seriously, I had on a white shirt. It was sorta sweet that he "confiscated" the pic from the guy that took it. That's what he said in the note...that he confiscated it. I wonder how that happened, exactly. Did he beat the guy up for me?

Magic Mike is totally my knight in shining armor. Okay, heavily dented armor...he was totally wailing on Joe the Bruiser that night. I definitely wouldn't want to be on his bad side. Hell to the no.

Speaking of the fight, did you all win a lot of money with my insider tip? Well, I won a lot of free drinks because you guys showed up. <3 to you guys! Well, I wasn't loving you yesterday when I woke up...I was cursing the air you breathe and wishing lots of warts and boils on you all. And bad hair.

So, all in all, Saturday night was a total blast. If any of you see that hottie Mike out and about be sure to congratulate him on his win and for championing yours truly.

Now I gotta get back to work. I hid in the bathroom to write this because I haven't gotten even five minutes of a break since I got here at 5AM. Ugh. I think I need to swear off drinking and dangerous men that lure me to scary bars so I am not too tired to do my job. Stop laughing, Leez...it could happen.

And just to make you all happy - I took a picture of the note and photo that he left. You tell me if that looks like me or not. I swear it totally can't be.


http://cfc.polyvoreimg.com/cgi/img-set/.sig/8SL7TZXTYlvAb59ts85Q/cid/88684829/id/URmF77ZNRnmROaiGgMEj6g/size/c600x600.jpg

A shout out to all of you that came out today to support me during my servitude to Harris. You were all such an inspiration with your pointing and laughter.

Yes, Ricky, I did have KLIT written on my rear end. You had p***y written ALL OVER YOU when you ran from me like a scared little girl. Don't think I will forget how mean you were to me today. I know where you sleep, jerk.

The booze was flowing and the music was pumping. It was kind of like a fun little block party except...I was working my ass off and melting in the heat. Though, I should thank Mike for that hose down. That was mighty kind of you, man. You can't see it but I am flipping you off right now. Also, don't think I didn't see you taking pictures, Magic Mike.

I'm exhausted and my entire body is screaming at me. So pleasant. I need more drinks, a hot bubble bath, a massage, and sleep for the next twelve hours. If any of you call me or bother me in any way (aside from providing for any of those above mentioned needs), I will hurt you.

Hasta luego, babies~


Oh! Here is a picture I confiscated; might as well give you all one last laugh and immortalize my shame.

http://cfc.polyvoreimg.com/cgi/img-set/.sig/VQXml6yUuaWFIUQtwnDA/cid/88843874/id/ay_8gDsiR-_7Nwj6RVzJ3Q/size/c600x498.jpg

Oh. My. God. I am so tired. Why you ask? Oh, let's see. I have bosses that are horrible people. Really, really horrible.

Harris called me at 3AM and made me make posters for some person named after a piece of fruit. What the hell? Who is this Apple and why do I care about this fight or whatever she is gonna be in? Like, for real. 3AM. Who the hell thinks up this sorta crap at 3AM?

Apparently things aren't as cozy over at the Ichi-D'Artainian residence or she would have worn him out and he would have been asleep at that hour instead of obsessing about some other woman and then waking me up to pimp out her pictures.

Just a little advice here, Seirichi: Do it BETTER. For all of our sakes.

Oh, Miss Baroness of Ice Cream and Smiles -- if you want better publicity, get a better manager than Harris. If someone had given me more notice and hadn't awakened me thirty minutes after I went to bed...and I hadn't still been mildly intoxicated, I would have done a better job on your posters. Give me a call if you want better publicity; cash donations are appreciated and determine the quality of the work. What you got there was the middle of the night freebie.

I don't want to speculate about what you did for Harris to make him show such an interest to the point of waking up his BEST intern, but all I gotta say to you is: Do it BETTER. If you want higher quality, you gotta give more.

Now, who is going to be my favorite person today and bring me a latte? None of that decaf, sugar free, fat free nonsense either. I need the real deal today.

I will also be handing out kisses to anyone that throws something at Harris today. The better the injury to the blue haired annoyance, the better the kiss.

I declare this national Hate on Harris Day. Celebrate accordingly.

That is all for now, I have to go find some arsenic.

Toodles~

Guess what I did last night?

--It involved me in a bikini and muscles so sore this morning that I can barely move.

You guessed it! I cleaned the ENTIRE F***ING STATION CEILING. With a toothbrush. On a ladder.

I would like to say this now: Harris and Seirichi are nasty asses for their spit wad wars. If you don't know what spit wads are, let me enlighten your mind and broaden your horizon; it is good to know these gross facts.

Spit wads are pieces of chewed up paper held together with saliva. Hence the name SPIT wad. You put these in the end of a straw and blow on the other end and hit a target. No idea why in the hell they are all over the ceiling but somebody has bad aim.

I found the paraphernalia in Harris' desk drawer and took a picture of it and also of the ceiling to show you...THIS IS A REAL THING.

http://cfc.polyvoreimg.com/cgi/img-set/.sig/Af2m1rNe4DuRVr4BGrxTQ/cid/89472173/id/DeGjXbCHR36dkMy9h2BgYA/size/c600x869.jpg

Now that we have that settled, I would like to offer a little bit more whine to this blog post. I am SO SORE. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to stand on a ladder with your arms raised up and your head tilted back and your back and leg muscles tightened so you balance yourself and don't fall off of the stinkin' ladder for almost an entire night. No? Then don't judge me for whining.

I had to wear a gas mask so that my whole face was covered because when those nasty things get scraped from the ceiling...where do you think they are gonna go? It's okay though; I welcome any excuse to wear my vintage Earth WWII gas mask. The thing is so cool. The reason they were invented, not so cool. My use of the mask? Genius. Freckles took a picture of me in it because she said it was "unbelievable." I'm not sure she meant that in a complimentary way.

http://cfc.polyvoreimg.com/cgi/img-set/.sig/YGoveGu5515stCMF2vsAYQ/cid/89473494/id/jHLn23A9R4iPuoSKFgnf9g/size/c600x600.jpg

Speaking of Freckles, she sat here all night as I cleaned the ceiling (and then the floor!) because Harris told her to babysit me and to take lots of pictures for me to post to my blog with a warning to others that might be out to prank him or behave "insubordinately." Who knew he even knew a word with more than two syllables? Anyway, Freckles did stay...and kept telling me I missed a spot and then made me pose in the bikini for pictures. I have NO idea what that even proves aside from the fact that Harris is a pervert and Freckles has set back the feminist movement by about fifty years by going along with it. Way to unite with your fellow sister, Freckles! NOT.

I think she might just still be mad because her new hairdo was ruined by the water balloons. Or that I made fun of her for barking. Seriously though? Man, I couldn't help it; it was hilariously cute.

Anyway, here are the pictures that are supposed to embarrass me into submission. Good luck with that, Harris.

http://cfc.polyvoreimg.com/cgi/img-set/.sig/mYoYH8kcB9hWSem7f30EA/cid/89474352/id/kb5Vxt-qTOmIz7uyzZPQ1w/size/c600x730.jpg

Now, this is a call out to Magic hands -- I am in desperate need of a massage again. Also, you're a tough guy, maybe you could beat my boss up for me?

I need to go shower to get the smell of Bengay off of my skin before Mr. Magic arrives. It would really suck if he got that on his hands and rubbed his eyes like I did. My vision is STILL a little blurry! Anyway.

Tata, bebes!~

July 19th

I have needed a few days to recuperate from my ordeal at the...nudist colony.

I am sure all of you got to listen to that shameful on location interview but you missed the best part. I had to go all kung fu on some people up in there. That "broccoli scene" that Seirichi mentioned? Let's just say it had nothing to do with broccoli; there were a whole lot of people kicked in the bare jewels, however.

Shout out to my boss, Bob...Thanks for bailing me out of jail and getting the assault and battery charges dropped. You are seriously The Man, even though you left me in there all night and then lectured me for the entire drive back to the radio station. I appreciated that a lot, really.

It was seriously self defense, though. If a group of people were coming at you with weapons drawn like that, wouldn't you be d**k punching them too? And nose punching. And eye scratching. And chair throwing. Ahem. I won't say I'm sorry about the mace, either. The cameras and sound equipment? Yeah, they are making me pay for the damages, that was one of the conditions of my release. Can't milk blood from a turnip but have fun trying!

What can I say? I was a little freaked out. I totally have some street cred on the porn set now, though. I think Suki "Whatever" Slider will think twice before trying to get me into one of her movies again. At least I really hope so. I don't want to go back to jail again.

As for Harris and Seirichi's shabby treatment of me: be careful what you eat and drink around the station. I don't get mad but I sure as f*** get even.

Anyway, that's all for now, I have a paper to write.

Some of you saw me at the Outback on Wednesday night while I was trying to learn a little something about dueling, titles, and whether some of the gossip I have heard is correct. I work in a radio station with the two biggest mouths in dueling so I don't feel that I probably get the most accurate information.

I was pleasantly surprised at how nice a lot of you were because that is definitely not what I have heard. I also met some ladies with reputations...for being completely awesome in their own ways!

I met the former Governor and Madam Extraordinaire (yes, that kind of madam), Kitty Helston. Talk about one colorful lady! She owns several bordellos among many other things. Yep, I finally got to use that word in a sentence without it sounding forced. I love it when that happens.

I also met Overlady Teagan Rielea! Apparently the Overlord title is the top title in the sport of Swords and not of Magic and the female Overlords are called Overladies. So she is the equivalent of the Diamond of Duel of Fists, though definitely less mean. Bet you guys didn't know all of that and are now totally impressed with my new found knowledge. Shout out to Bane for teaching me that. He earned that bag of Skittles I gave him in payment for the info and also just for being nice to the new kid in the Outback. Now somebody just needs to teach me all about this Magic sport and I'll be all set. Seirichi says magic is for nerds but I think it looks really fascinating, maybe a little scary even. So, who is going to volunteer to teach me? There will be Skittles or M&M's for payment. I might even be able to snag you some Rhydin Rewind swag so long as you don't tell Seirichi it was for teaching me about Magic.

Anyway, Miss Teagan, who seems a little different, said that her preferred title was not Overlady but Queen of the Ring. There was some debate about the fact that one of my bosses has laid claim as Queen of the Outback -- no, not Harris; the other one. Miss Kitty said that this boss actually has the title of Hoochie of the Airwaves. I am totes buying her a coffee cup that says that, I think it is a pretty awesome title even if it wasn't given out of kindness exactly. Miss Teagan apparently is still rather hung up on her cute little ex that is engaged to a man. I didn't ask too many questions but man, what is up with all of that drama? If any of you know details...email me! Inquiring minds want to know ALL OF THE GOSSIP.

Squadron Sergeant Major Ray Bradford (did I get all of that right? Jeez --so. many. words.) was totally trying to help me not look all obvious in my spying. He pointed out that I was talking to my boobs, which is where I had the little mic and recorder hidden. Next time I think I might come up with some other plan because talking to my boobs was a little bit distracting for some people. Mr. Bradford was a dueling machine, people. I think I saw him in the ring more than out of it and he is totally not afraid to hit a girl; that might come in handy in the near future for me.

Mr. Bradford, how much do you charge to beat people up? I have a small list written up of who needs their attitude adjusted.

I would love to keep chatting about all of the awesome people I met the other night but I have to go make Princess Kellie some waffles and then get ready to TP G'nort Talanador's Seaside Baronial Manor with Nell. Then I have to get ready to go watch Mr. Hotness aka Magic Mike kick some ass at the Brawler. No, Nell, I won't be going without panties tonight, you freak! I am a good girl and don't put out that easily.

Don't forget to show up and show some love. I will be accepting bribes in the form of alcohol if you want me to give you some free advertisement.

So, I'm still alive! I'm sure a few of you might have wondered. When not working, I sequestered myself to study for the biggest test I have taken so far this semester; ugh, brutal! I swear I've lost weight because I don't even have time to eat properly.

I did take a little break on Monday for our office kegger that Nellie's sister hosted. Man, can the people of KLIT-AM party! I tried to work at first but my boss kept yelling "Kerry, bikini time or you're fired!" This might have been a problem since I don't exactly keep a bikini on hand in case a bikini party breaks out BUT that boss had one in my size. Imagine that. I'm such a lucky girl to work here. You can't see it but I am totally rolling my eyes.

The party turned out to be a blast, really. Well, what I can remember of it. I woke up with the worst hangover of my life, laying on the floor in the breakroom. The pics I found on my phone just prove I wasn't the only one releasing some stress. Man, I hope no one has pictures of me-- hopefully if someone took any, Magic Mike was able to confiscate them again.

There is a station picnic this coming week too. Harris wrote "YOU'VE BEEN WARNED" in big letters at the bottom of the whiteboard; for him to warn us, that just makes me cringe because obviously this is going to be awful. Not to mention that I just don't want to take even more time away from studying.

Speaking of taking time away from studying, Nell and I sang Karaoke at my favorite dive bar, Maloney's. That was so dang much fun. It's weird because a lot of times I can't even talk like a normal person to someone I don't know but I can sing in front of a bar full of strangers and feel perfectly at ease. It's the music, man. It just gets ahold of me and mooooves me. Haha, anyway. I am totally dragging Nell out for karaoke again. There will be other victims, so you guys had better watch out!

Courtesy of Nell's terrible drunken photography, here is a picture of me and an adoring fan. Nell and I totally rocked the karaoke for hours last night.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2aiow4UdL1rrdjyio1_400.jpg

And here is Nell out of her pants, dancing. That is my shirt she has on and I have no idea how she got it. I took it off to sing and at some point she put it on. NELL, I WANT MY SHIRT BACK. I wonder if she ever found her pants. That guy next to her, the one that looks like a total douche? Yeah, she punched him in the teeth and when he tried to hit her back I jumped on his back while she hit him again. We would have went to jail but Tommy the Bartender loves me.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iR9rhMXOw3k/T2AGCd_1w9I/AAAAAAAAAKM/gyYPUTd4zBE/s320/brunette-crazy-dance-dancing-danxing-Favim.com-260071.jpg

I was sitting in my Multimedia Journalism class this morning, writing the essay portion of my test, when I nearly fell over and died. Right, you almost lost me! How did this near tragedy occur, you ask? Well, by the usual culprits. You guessed it, Harris and Seirichi.

Now, you are probably wondering if they followed me to my class and began doing something ridiculous to embarrass me, just for kicks. I assure you, this was not the case. I had my earbuds in, listening to the show as some background noise to help me focus and what did I hear? They used my name, my actual name. That was just...bizarre. I wasn't aware that they had ever learned it.

Then, of course, there was that brief moment where I had hope that my financial issues were about to be less overwhelming; I heard the words "promoted to paid intern." True to how my luck runs, however, it wasn't real. Or maybe I am lucky it wasn't a real offer of employment? Because seriously, who in the hell wants to be between Harris with a baseball bat and whatever it is that he wants to destroy? Uhh...not me. No thanks. You're on your own, Seirichi! Now offer me a paid internship to do everything besides saving your Yule decorations!

I see Mr. Stuffypants arriving for our coffee date. Time to put away the laptop and talk to someone face to face instead of through the computer screen.

You should try that, Ricky. You've been playing that computer game non-stop for twenty-seven hours now. I think there are probably support groups for this sort of thing. I mean, when your girl leaves you because of it...

Okay, gotta go for real now. He just walked in and saw me. So cute.~

I just took a pic of him like a true stalker chick. Aren't you proud? Stop drooling, Tay.

http://zns.india.com/upload/2013/6/18/tatum301.jpg

((From August 22nd))

Happy Birthday to me!!

Woo I made it to twenty-two years of age. Ha! Put that in your bong and smoke it, Ricky; I told you I would make it past twenty-one. To the rest of the haters, yeah that includes you gramps, BOOYAH! I think you all owe me ten bucks for winning the bet!

Now, to whatever deities that truly exist, I am begging that I don't die today simply because I made it and I have nothing left to really prove to anyone.

When I got to work today, I was met by something totally awesome. Alright, we all know there wouldn't be balloons or flowers or anything like that, but I kinda love my job today. Yeah, I know. That's gonna end in about five minutes when crazy pregnant woman waddles up in here -- HOWEVER, I am not sure even she can put a damper on my good mood. Bob, my station manager, has a bunch of tickets to The Faire and he is just giving them away. See? I love my job. Well, for the next five minutes, I do.

The other awesome thing about today is: Stuffy and his totally awesome kid are having some birthday thing for me! Sweetest people ever!

Okay, Ricky, you and Tay are also the sweetest people but I am used to your birthday bashes-- you've only been throwing me a party every year since we were seven.

Do you remember on my eleventh birthday when everyone was required to be dressed as dwarves and you pasted that beard on me and I couldn't get it off for two days? I think I still have issues from all of the teasing I had to endure at school, it was totally traumatic.

So, what's the dress code for the party this year? Don't pretend you aren't throwing one. Every. single. year. since I was seven, remember?

**I will be accepting cash and textbooks all day today. If I am out of the office, leave them with Bob's assistant. She is probably the most honest one of this bunch of crazies.

((From August 26th))

All I have to say is: RICKY, YOU ARE A GOD. Well you were for a few hours, anyway; waking up to you and the guys singing YMCA at 6am was very uncool. I mean, I still didn't exactly know where I was and I heard this...sound coming from the living room. It sounded so much like someone being murdered that I really did have to throw the shoes and bottles out of my room. So sorry that I hit you in the head, gonna have to just watch out for my super awesome arm. You guys can't see it, but I am totally flexing right now.

Now, on to the good stuff. That was the best birthday party ever. Dress up as your favorite woodland animal? Genius. Because you know how much I love cute, little animals. That right there is what gave you God like status for one night. And just lemme say -- the freaks come out of the woodwork when you tell them they can dress up as animals.

My costume, of course, was extremely cute. For those of you that weren't there, I was a bunny; complete with little cotton tail and cute ears. Here is a picture of it; ignore the downcast expression, I thought I had been stood up by my date at my own birthday party. I was pretty bummed out for like five whole minutes. It was terrible.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/d60652dd3163378c893df618a7074128/tumblr_ms5oyohQJr1r63zmao1_400.jpg

My date finally arrived, though not in costume. Unless "totally cute guy" is a costume. Not exactly woodland animal, but I forgive him. Kinda hard to be mad at someone that smiles at me like that.

Anyway, the party was totally fun and since there were no naked chicks trying to grind on me, I consider that even better. Ricky, you are temporarily forgiven for making the apartment look like a pigsty. However, there are not enough awesome parties to be thrown that will ever make waking me up with drunken singing okay. Next time, I am actually going to aim for your head. It will totally hurt too.

The other really cool thing that happened this weekend is that I got to see the two cutest guys in RhyDin beat the snot outta people. I admit, it wasn't as fun when watching them beat each other up, though that much hotness in one ring should require extra fire extinguishers or something close by. But yeah, that tournament thing was pretty cool. I am like the best good luck charm for a certain friendly elf but terrible luck for Stuffy. He did really great though but I think he started winning when I left to go check out the fighting in the Annex. Then he lost when I came back. Sorrrry Stuffy!

My best buddy Nell's girlfriend, Apple, won that rock thing they were fighting for. No idea why people would beat each other senseless for a rock but to each his own, I guess. I am totally inspired to learn how to beat people up now, though. Anybody wanna hand out free lessons? Somehow I end up with people wanting to cause me bodily harm, so I think I should probably learn how to defend myself. Why would someone wanna hurt sweet, innocent me?

Okay, my few minutes at the Annex were fun. I met a new rat friend that shared his cookies. Hiiiii Nappy~. Then I met a big jerk that tried to make me get his tea and called me Harris' slave. So I got his tea. Heh. Corlanthis, did you enjoy your tea as it dripped down your neck and into your shirt? You're welcome. Big jerk.

Harris actually stood up for me and said I didn't have to get the jerk's tea. I swear I heard angels singing and there was light pouring from heaven or something.

Alright, I just finished up a late lunch with a total cutie and have to get back to the station before Seiri realizes that her ice cream would have melted by now. If you see me out tonight, hit me up for some free KLIT-AM 900 swag. Yes, that does include the calendar of Seirichi's boobs.

You're welcome.

((August 29th))

It has been an unbelievable morning; everything that could have possibly gone wrong HAS gone wrong and mostly because of one person. The new intern for the day: Peaches.

At first, I was really angry that she would get the easy tasks and probably get praised for doing them properly. Then, when she didn't get Seirichi's donuts, lost one of the dogs, blew up the fax machine, deflated Harris' favorite blow up doll, and countless other things...I decided something: I really like that girl. Not only did she make me look so much more efficient, they spent so much time yelling at her this morning that they have mostly left me alone. It's hard to not like her, really. She's nice and she gives Harris a hard time; what's not to like about that?

Sorry, don't have time to write much more, I have to go to the adult toy store and try to find another blow up doll that looks like the one Peaches popped. I've already fixed every other mess up, including giving Swagins a bath. Seirichi is stuffing her face, Freckles is doing her nails, Harris is sexually harassing Peaches. All is well in the kingdom.

((September 8th))

This has been an eventful few days. I'm not sure where to start, really, except go in chronological order.

So, Friday night:

Remember me mentioning all of this nonsense with Harris spawn? Well, I encountered one of them up close and personal at the Annex. This meeting did not end well.

While I had Raleigh in a choke hold on top of the bar, in his near naked state, Harris' green-haired kid (yeah, green hair...wtf?) decided to try to beat up on him because she is totally mean. I mean, if anyone is going to abuse Raleigh, it will be ME. I have the most reason to but we won't get into that just yet.

Anyway, I saved his life from this humongous giant chick but took a few hits. You should see all of the bruising on my back, it is hideous. But I got that bitch back. How's your nose, Tanya? She probably isn't reading this and that is probably a good thing; she hits hard. The back of my head is still sore from her bony knuckled punches.

Now you are probably wondering why Raleigh was on the bar almost naked and why I had him in a choke hold, right? He was almost naked because he was drunk and stripping and I did NOT instigate this, no matter what everyone will probably say.(Okay, maybe I instigated a tiny, wee, little bit. He is hella fine, why wouldn't I?)

Anyway~ I was kicking his ass because he sprayed me with champagne. Apparently, he sprayed Green Haired Devil Spawn as well and that was why she was trying to beat him up. That was still unacceptable behavior. Protocol: if anyone wants Raleigh abused, they need to come to me, take a number because there is undoubtedly a line, and then I will take care of it. I mean, who is better suited to beat him down than the person that SHUT HIS ASS OUT in a ring.

Oh yeah, you read that right, RhyDin. Dueling cherry popped. I owned him and he couldn't touch me because I have some slick moves. Who knew? I mean...of course I knew. Anyway, it appears that I have been bitten by the dueling bug and I will see some of you in a ring, I bet.

And to follow in the footsteps of my jerkface boss who is the Diamond, I am going to try to smack talk a little. Here it is: "What the f*&$ is a ceiling? I'm takin' this to the top and when I leave, the whole world drops." That is a line from a song by MGK called ?Invincible?.

That's right, I?m taking it to the top. I'm going to be training hard and hitting harder and when I am sitting at the top of the heap of bodies I leave in my wake, every person that has ever made fun of me for being smaller and weaker can bask in the greatness that is SO DAMN BIG that it cannot be contained in my smaller and weaker body and must spill out. Probably in the form of song, or mocking taunts or songs full of mocking taunts.
I expect payment for not kicking your ass then, Ricky. Because I am totally going to be super strong. You can't see it but I am flexing. And it hurt. Because punching people a lot hurts. That?s okay though, I am totally going to baby myself with massages and beer after I fight.

Now I know some of you are saying, ?but Kenz, what do you expect to gain from all of this pain that is about to be unleashed upon you?? (Okay, I made you sound smarter than you would if you had actually said that) My answer is this: Everything. If I can do this, I can do anything.

Enough about Fabulous Friday, we are moving on to Sucky Saturday.

Saturday sucked. Hence being named Sucky Saturday.

Last week, Raleigh asked me if I wanted to go to the masquerade ball. It sounded like so much fun and I was totally stoked to go. I had the most amazing gown and was going to be Amphitrite, Goddess of the Sea. I didn?t even recognize myself at all, I looked so beautiful and grown up.

So I get there and I wait. And wait. And waited until I got sick of waiting and I went to the karaoke bar where I got drunk and sang on stage in my very revealing dress. I have no idea if he ever showed up but I think waiting for an hour and a half is long enough. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you understand one of the reasons that McKenza Davis will remain a free woman for life. I don?t handle that sort of stuff well; and honestly, if you don?t expect anything from anyone, you won?t get let down. So, it?s all good.

Kalamere is still around and I will still have a regular dose of gorgeous man to stare at. Life isn?t so terrible.

Here is a picture of my dress, I edited it so you can't see the gorgeous blonde wearing it and think she looks better than me. Plus, I needed to add the mask so you can get the total affect. It's pretty, isn't it? The drunks at the karaoke bar thought so too.

I'm totally bummed out now, so I think I am going to go punch people in the face to make myself feel better.

http://rdi.dragonsmark.com/forums/images/avatars/portrait/767721446522bce0597122.jpg

O-M-G guys. You will totally not believe what Harris made me do. He made me hang out with Suki Slider. No, that's totally not a problem because she has a...different lifestyle. Duh, I'm not a meanie head that judges people by their number of um...partners. Or how little they wear. That is slut shaming and slut shaming is BAD. B-A-D bad. It just seems absurd to me, really. I mean, we live in freakin' RhyDin. RhyDin in the twenty-somethingth century (it's debatable because who really knows what the Nexus has done to the space-time continuum?) so partial nudity is so totally not out of the ordinary.

What is so bad about hanging out with her then, you ask? Need I remind you that I was nearly assaulted by multiple people on the scene of one of her movies and then she called the police when I broke the camera equipment and busted some people up? So this hang out day was really awkward at first. Until we went shopping and she helped me pick out a cute dress in case I ever decide to go on a date with Raleigh. The jury is still out on that. Hmph.

Things were a little different than I expected around Suki. I mean it wasn't that bad. Yeah, she totally kept trying to get me to do a "photoshoot" and even tried to entice me with a lot of money. A. LOT. of money but she wasn't as bad as I thought she would be.

Man, I'm not gonna lie, though...I saw like an entire semester of classes, books, and lab fees paid just for letting her take pictures of me. It was tempting. Really tempting. It would be nice to not constantly worry about how I am going to pay for school but at the same time it just doesn't seem like me, y'know? Maybe someday but right now I think I am just going to keep trying to get noticed at the station and maybe this internship will turn into a paid job.

Regardless, my class ends soon so if I don't have a job here, I will at least have a helluva lot of time freed up to go find another job or two. I'm a firm believer that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen.

So, I did let her take a couple of pictures but not for money. I said I wanted to get noticed at the station so Suki suggested that I advertise like she did in the Annex several nights ago. It wasn't like I was naked! I had tape over certain areas of my chest that were then covered in gold glitter and blue R's and the station logo was painted on my belly. I had on a skirt and a hat too so....that isn't really indecent, is it?

Anyway, she promised she wouldn't show anyone but the people that mattered at the station so I'm not worried. At least not entirely. I mean, I am sure she is a really decent human being beneath all of the mean eyerolling and "whatever."

Speaking of meanness, Raleigh almost got me fired and murdered several days ago. I was getting ready to walk to Seaside to make Kellie her waffles and noticed him sitting with his back against my apartment building, sleeping. Do you guys have any idea how dangerous and stupid that is in my neighborhood? Yes, Ricky, we all know you do because you still show the scar from the stab wound all. of. the. time. Ugh, but for reals my human puppy needs to be smarter.

Anyway, I made him clean up because he looked terrible and then took him over to Harris and Seirichi's house while I made the waffles. How was I to know that Seirichi would get her lazy ass out of bed that early? She came out yelling for him to "get the f*&^ out" of her house and even threw a couple of couch pillows at him. I thought she was going to kill him when he asked her to please make her boobs stop staring at his eyes. All I gotta say is...Raleigh can run fast. Seriously. Of course that just made her more angry because she couldn't waddle fast enough to catch him so she turned on me and was like "Kenny, you do something that f*&^ing stupid again and I'm going to f*&^ing end you."

Man, she is insane and I totally won't do anything to be on her radar again. Hopefully Harris will do something to piss off the monster and her wrath will stay focused on him.

Speaking of the monster, I have to go find hot sauce flavored donuts. Where does this crazy woman come up with these food combinations? She made me get up at 2am to try to find beef flavored milk shakes. I gave up and just dumped beef broth into a blender with vanilla ice cream and gave it to her...and she drank it. I almost puked. It was terrible.

Anyway, she just yelled at me again asking for those donuts. I better go before her head starts spinning in circles and she starts spewing pea soup.

September 29th

I was going to make my first $PAID$ blog post be a dedication to the barons, to showcase them but I think that will have to be the next one because there are emails to check out!

But yes, you read that correctly...I AM BEING PAID TO SPEW FORTH MY OPINIONS. Ohhh I love my life right now. I just spent So. Damn. Much. Money. on thank you's to the barons and guess what? I don't even have to worry about it! Because...I have a pretty fat paycheck coming my way. Plus, I still have my other jobs and I don't intend on giving those up. Cha-ching!

So, my last blog post had a request for ideas on how to get my bosses to actually start paying me. Now, while this isn't relevant any longer, I think I should share some of the emails I received. Remind me to never give out my email address like that again. Thankfully it was just my work one so I don't have to worry about the hundreds of spam emails for porn sites and male enhancement. Helllloooo~ I am not a guy so I don't need male enhancements.

I'm just going to copy and paste a few of the emails so you can see them in their entirety without me trying to paraphrase and ruining the wonderfulness.

#1:

From: magnoliafan2000@rhydinintranet.org
Subject: How to get hired on
To: krazykenzi@klit900.com
-------------------------------------------------- ----------
Hi, I listen to the show and I think Harris and Seirichi treat you horribly. They don't own the station, they just have a radio show on it. So, sleep with their boss and you'll probably get hired on.

Or, you could just ask their bosses how to get hired on. Just cause it's their show doesn't mean they're really your boss. The station is your boss! Let them know it!

Signed - Magnoliafan

Harris and Seirichi treat everyone badly. It is what they do. I don't want to sleep with Bob, though...he isnt my type really. Sorry Bob! You are totes the bomb, though! Gods, please don't fire me on my first day because I won't sleep with you.

Thanks for writing, Magnoliafan and keep listening to the show!

#2:

TO: krazykenzi@klit900.com
FROM: Khelston@hhhesq.com
-------------------------------------------------- ----------

Good morning, Kenzi.

I've a few little ideas to get you that needed attention, and a few others concerning temporary modifications to further assist.

I'll even go so far as waiving my usual fee.

Find me around the rings some night, and we can discuss if you'd like.

K.H.

What sort of modifications? Are you planning to render me mute so I cannot offend one of my bosses and bring their wrath down upon my head? I don't know who you are just by your initials and email address, so you'll probably have to find me instead. Though, I would rather keep my voice, thanks.

Thanks for writing and keep listening to the show!

#3:

From: harryhunglow@gangbus.com
Subject: Job Offer
To: krazykenzi@klit900.com
-------------------------------------------------- ----------

Hey darling!

We heard about your work on the set of one of our competitors movies and we'd love to get you on our casting couch. Have you ever thought about a career in video? Most of our work is really laid back and easy, you would find yourself in the most comfortable positions even though you take on some of the hardest work. In the back end, you really would enjoy being thrust into the spotlight and ride your way to the top of our list of performers.

If this sounds like something you're interested in getting your knees dirty on, feel free to contact us! We're always on the lookout for the hottest models in Rhydin!

Harry Hunglow
Gangbus Productions

Uhh...why don't you give me your address so I can come down there and kick the %^$& out of you for being a stupid, %^$&ing asshat douchebag? I didn't do any work on that studio, my jerkface bosses set me up because they thought it would be funny. Guess who got the last laugh? Not the guys that got busted in the balls, that's for sure!

#4:


From: radiocritic@rhydinintranet.org
Subject: Rhydin Rewind
To: krazykenzi@klit900.com
-------------------------------------------------- ----------

Your show sucks and you suck and Harris sucks and I KNOW Seirichi sucks and Kenzi sucks and Freckles sucks and I know there's another intern who is less important and she sucks too you should all be ashamed of yourselves and you're going to all burn in hell for your offensive content and for SUCKING SO HARD

YOU SUCK!

Cordially,
Louis Winthorp Winchester III

Go back on your meds, Louie, because YOU SUCK.


#5:

From: missandie@rhydinintranet.org
Subject: Rhydin Rewind
To: krazykenzi@klit900.com
-------------------------------------------------- ----------

Dear Miss Kenzi,

I do not know much about you other than what I hear on the radio show. While usually crude and obnoxious, most times the show has some good insight into that type of people. It's always good to know some are better behaved than others, and when I listen to the show, it makes me grateful that I know so many properly behaved young men and women who are not like that Harris and Seirichi.

You seem like a nice girl, from what I have heard and read thus far. You have your struggles, like most youth do, but you come out better for it. Though it may seem like you've hit a low point when you agreed to post nearly nude for some promotional photographs for a station that clearly doesn't appreciate your good, hard work. I would caution you to stick to your morals and don't degrade yourself for the sake of a job. You're a good, honest person, Kenzi.

Good, honest people who do good, honest work will always get good, honest opportunities. Bide your time and continue to work hard, young lady. If you do that, you will eventually see that the good things will come your way. I envision you being a high ranking member of a company, or maybe even your own CEO! Set the bar high and you can accomplish whatever you put your mind to.

Don't give up because of some hardships with difficult people. These experiences are what define us, and you will overcome!

Good luck, Miss Kenzi.

Your friend,
Andie Plotz

Miss Andie, thanks for your encouragement and for writing. Keep listening to the show!

-------------------------------------------------- ---------------


Okay, I can't really post anymore of these emails because some of them are really quite lewd. But here is the answer to a great many of the questions: YES, MY BOOBIES ARE REAL AND NO YOU WILL NEVER GET TO TOUCH THEM AND NO I WILL NOT SHOW THEM. Gawd, you idiots forget that Seirichi works here and she is the boobie queen, not me. Get a life.

So, thank you to everyone that has been supportive and also for faithfully reading my blog. It is because all of you that I can now manage to feed myself as well as go to school. So, if I get fat...it's all your fault.

~Kenzi, paid blogger extraordinaire, out~

<3<3<3


Thanks to the players that submitted the emails. They were awesome.

So, today is going to be the beginning of a little mini-series of blog posts showcasing the Duel of Swords barons...in a positive light. Stop booing me, you can get your dirt elsewhere like The Post or Gossip GangSTAR or Nexus Weekly (I love them all SO MUCH!).

I think it is important to give back to those that have done something nice and these seven have done something very nice for me. So shut it, pay attention, and be wowed. These men and women are the creme de la creme of the sport. There is only one higher rank and that is the Overlord, or Overlady, as the case may be.

Just in case there are some of you that aren't very familiar with this sport, much like myself, let me give you a little explanation and history on the baronies.

The first baronial rings, numbered one through nine, were awarded as prizes in a giant warlord tournament. They were just titles and rings that weren't specific to any particular district or landmark. Later they were attached to a district and depending on the district there was a place for the new baron to live or utilize for their own purposes.

Nowadays, the districts, with their respective barons, are as follows:

Old Temple -- Baron Kalamere Ar'Din
New Haven -- Baron Jake Thrash
Dockside -- Baron G'nort Talanador
Old Market -- Baron Morgan le Fey
Seaside -- Baron Terry King
Dragon's Gate -- Baron Shadow
Battlefield Park -- Baron Matthew Algiers Simon

Then you have the Overlord (or Lady) over them all who lives on Overlord Isle. Right now it is Teagan Rielea and she just had an amazing defense of her title. Congrats, Overlady Teags!

So, now that you know all of this, we can begin the Spotlight on a Baron part of this post. It will absolutely stun you all to know that I have a favorite baron. I am positive none of you can guess who.

Okay, so I am absolutely transparent and you all know I adore a pretty face.

So, my favorite baron (at this time) is Kalamere Ar'Din of Old Temple. Here is a picture of him for all of you ladies out there and maybe even some gentlemen. He's cute, isn't he?

http://www.ringsofhonor.org/forums/images/avatars/portrait/14277333444cc572413e462.jpg


He lives in this grandiose cathedral attached to his barony title because HE. IS. AN. ANGEL. No, it doesn't matter that his halo is held up by horns and is tarnished so badly it doesn't even resemble anything golden. Where are his wings, you ask? Well, I personally wouldn't know but I am sure they are there or were there. It doesn't matter.

You can't see this but I am totally giving you naysayers a dismissive gesture. Be gone with you!

To prove just how sweet and modest and angelic he is: he absolutely wouldn't give me any information about his dueling conquests. Seriously. He said he isn't a braggart. That's okay, though, Kalamere because you have been around for a very long time and people know your name. I dug up a little information on you and if it embarrasses you to be spotlighted like this...well, take a picture because I bet you are adorable with blushing cheeks.

You couldn't hear me but there was a dreamy sigh to punctuate that request.

Okay, so remember me saying something about that big warlord tournament where the nine baronial rings were first introduced as prizes? Well, Kal won the fifth one after facing Shar Tal Yasafel. Immediately after the tournament, the dude challenged him for the ring. Kal was the first baron to defend his barony. Not only did he defend his barony against this guy that time, but a second time as well. Then he went on to challenge the Overlord Xenograg thu-Darelir because he said he could not serve an Overlord he had not faced in the rings. He won that challenge and became
the 16th Overlord.

In all, he is currently in his 5th stint as a baron, having held the 5th, 2nd and 7th rings before vanishing for like 10 years or something. Then he won Battlefield Park a few years ago when he came back and now holds Old Temple. Besides being the 16th Overlord, he was also the 26th. I think I read that Kal's been a warlord longer than any duelist currently on the standings. That is pretty impressive. But I can't help but wondering...where did he disappear to for those ten years? If anyone knows, feel free to email me at krazykenzi@klit900.com

I dug up quite a lot of dirt on Mr. Ar'Din as well but I'm going to make you all suffer without that knowledge because as I mentioned previously, this series of blog posts is meant to be a positive spotlight on the best this sport has to offer. Later on, however...we shall see; I make no promises.

Next post will be on my second favorite baron so stay tuned!