Topic: 61 Reasons Not to Get Up in the Morning

Samilee Burke · Date: 2009-08-26 13:53 EST

Reason #1: There are venomous kittens hiding under the bed.

The sound of the digital alarm clock buzzing was both harsh and far too abrasive for nine fifteen in the morning. A hand reached over to turn off the damned contraption. Whenever probing fingers could find the button they reached around the irritating source of the noise and promptly chucked it far across the room. Much to Sami's dismay, this did not break the alarm clock. In fact, it didn't even pop off the back and let the batteries fly out. No, in the corner of the room it vibrated against the ebony wooden floorboards and continued to making the annoying buzzing sound without cease.

Face pushed into the fluff of her pillow, the promethean groaned with displeasure. Skinny arms stretched up and tried to block out the noise with the careful application of cushy comforter against her ears. It didn't seem to help. From the living room she could hear Marx, the surly macaw, hissing in his cage.

"Try getting up and turning it off, bitch!"

"Rot in hell, devil bird!" Some days she firmly regretted the decision to adopt Marx from the local animal shelter. It's just... he was due to be euthanised and she wouldn't hear of it.
"When you start paying bills I'll start listening to you."

Again the bird hissed. Sami, against her better judgment, rolled to one side and wearily rubbed at her eyes to try and see through the sunlight-streaked apartment. With a grunt the Derby Dame pushed herself upright to sit on the edge of her bed. The exact second her feet began to dangle over the mattress they were assaulted by the swatting of claws from two tiny kittens. One was a fluff of vivid magenta fur and the other was of the toxic green variety. Although cerulean peepers could see the action in progress, the venom from the kittens' claws prevented her from feeling pain.

Unfortunately for Sami, her brain wasn't fully functioning yet and she pressed forward from bed without further thought. This was a mistake.

Sami first realized that things were rotten in the state of Denmark whenever she noticed herself toppling forwards. At first she wondered if maybe she was still reeling from last night's hallucinogenic trip, but she soon found that this was completely inaccurate. No, the floor was coming closer and before her arms had a chance to react, he chin made contact.

Thanks to the kittens, Sami couldn't feel her legs and was now laying on her floor with a bloody chin and a very disgruntled look on her face. The moral of the story was this: Don't get out of bed in the morning.

Samilee Burke · Date: 2009-08-27 11:50 EST

Reason #2: There is currently no hot water in your building.

The good thing about getting home at 4AM and not getting out of bed again until noon is that there usually isn't much going on in the world around you. So, whenever it's two hours shy of sunrise and the vinyl covered Derby Dame came staggering in from her latest show at the club all she had to do was toss off her gear and fall into bed with not a single sound from the rest of the building.

As the sun crept higher in the sky she could hear the surly macaw in the other room cracking peanuts in his cage, kittens demolishing the couch in the living room, and the unemployed neighbors around her making lunch in the kitchen. Sami would stretch and recoil in her nest of soft pillows and oversized comforter. Rolling from her bed she would stop by her iDock en route to the bathroom. Morning music was always set to classic motown and funk.

Before she did anything else in the morning Sami would shower. This was a practice she picked up during high school. If you were showered and ready to go first thing when you woke up, then you could leave at the drop of a hat later on that day. A hand reached over the edge of the tub to crank on the hot water and pull the chord to activate the shower head. The water heater was on the other side of the hallway so it took a little while for her shower to reach the right temperature. While it warmed she inspected her face in the mirror with fingers pushing and pulling at various pieces of skin to see what last night's damage would be.

After a few minutes she turned and pulled open the shower curtain. Without a second thought she stepped into the shower and under the current of clean water. As she did this, she screamed.

"JESUS TITTYF***ING CHRIST!!!"

Had Sami taken a moment to inspect her apartment before falling into bed the previous evening she might have noticed the piece of paper that had been slid under her door.

Attention All Residents:

Due to the need for replacement, the water heaters are going to be taken out and reinstalled tomorrow by the maintanence crew. Your water will be on and off throughout the day and hot water should be restored by 4PM this evening. Sorry for the inconvenience.

The moral of the story was this: Don't get out of bed in the morning.

Samilee Burke · Date: 2009-08-28 12:28 EST

Reason #3: The Azaroth's Witnesses are in the neighborhood.

There came a knock on the door. In general this wasn't a problem. Knocks on the door could mean business, or friends, or special delivery packages, right? In jeans so thin they ought to have been used for a dust rag rather than pants, Sami headed across her apartment space (mindful of the kittens) to answer the door. Although she had a peephole she never used it. In fact, it had been three years since she last locked her door at any given point during the day. Sami figured that whoever had the guts to break into her apartment deserved what was coming to them.

With a lopsided smile she leaned against the door frame and got a good look at who was standing outside. Much to her dismay they were not business, friends, or a special delivery package.

Instead, there were two young men standing in the hallway. They were dressed in leather with chainmail coverings and grommeted shoulder pads. Each had a black battle axe at their side and spiked boots on their feet. They also possessed simple black backpacks full of pamphlets and a narrow black tie around their necks.

"Can I help you, gentlemen?" As cerulean peepers wandered over their frames she couldn't help but feel like she was setting herself up for this one.

"Good afternoon, ma'am. We were wondering if we could possibly have a moment of your time." In his hand the young man was holding a copy of the ObservationPillar magazine. He was attempting to hold a very congenial smile on his face.

Knowing that these two had likely had doors slammed in their faces all day made Sami's guard weaken just a bit. On top of that it was two in the afternoon and she didn't actually have anything to do for the next half hour. Trying to keep her groaning inaudible at best, she stepped away from the door and used a hand to gesture to the living room.

"Come on in..." The two men looked very pleased that their sales tactic had worked and proceeded into the apartment strewn with womens clothing and strange novelty gifts.

No sooner than the door was shut, Sami found herself face to face with the more portly of the two men. "Tell me, miss... when you die do you know where you'll be going?" Sami tried to smile pleasantly but she could feel her insides screaming for relief from this hellish torment.

"... I'll just get us some drinks, shall I?"

The moral of the story was this: Don't get out of bed in the morning.

Samilee Burke · Date: 2009-09-01 13:40 EST

Reason #4: You Are Experiencing A 'Pest Control' problem.

The time was 5:27am and it was still dark outside. Samilee Burke was currently asleep. That would only last for 28 more seconds. In the kitchen there was a rattling noise. At first the sound was subtle and fairly easy to ignore. It grew substantially louder and eventually roused the Derby Dame from the deep recesses of her dreaming state.

Sami groaned and rolled onto her side beneath the covers. The noise stopped for a brief moment and then continued. Suddenly alert and staring intently through the darkness, the promethean stretched her hands and pushed herself upright as silently as she could. Bare feet slid into fuzzy flip-flops and fingers tugged at the edges of her Captain Planet pajama top to straighten it.

The kittens were sound asleep in the curl of the couch and Marx was stationary on his perch. Sami headed as quietly as possible towards the kitchen where the noise continued to interrupt her peaceful night of sleep. Three feet into the room she reached for a spatula and then flipped on the light. The exact second the room filled with illumination the noise stopped and Sami remained still.

There was no sound for the next minute and a half.

Then, as if on cue, the noise began again. This time it was rattling paired with some chittering. Like a cartoon from Saturday morning, the Derby Dame gulped and moved to the stove. The drip covering from the largest burner was lifted up in a quick motion. Inside was a flat glue trap, a pile of cheese, and a very angry looking mouse.

Perhaps "mouse" was not the best term for the creature currently staring up at too-blue eyes. Perhaps CHUD/rat crossbreed might have been more appropriate. Regardless, the creature was standing on its haunches with a fist full of cheese in its hands and a glue trap stuck to its ass and left back leg. The rodent swallowed its mouthful, set down the cheese, and reached for the glue trap.

With one fluid motion the rodent yanked the trap off its ass and a gob of fur along with it. He looked to the glue trap, spat on it, and then tossed it from the stove onto the floor below. Sami just watched it fall and stood stunned for a moment.

"Well... I'll just leave you to it, then."

The drip covering for the burner was lowered back down and Sami stepped away from the stove. Bending down she retrieved the glue trap from the floor and tossed it in the bin. With that she proceeded to walk back towards her bedroom in hopes of getting some more sleep.

The rodent with the bald ass remained in the stove contentedly eating his fresh, cubed havarti.

The moral of the story was this: Don't get out of bed in the morning.

Samilee Burke · Date: 2009-09-01 14:21 EST

Reason #5: Harry Potter is being burned in effigy outside your apartment complex.

A new wave of lies was spilling out of a politician's mouth. This was not unusual. Proposition 37 had brought on all kinds of reactions across the board and very few of them were user friendly. What was unusual about this particular politician was that as he spoke Samilee Burke could smell the faint but distinctive odor of smoke. It had caused her to stop stuffing her cheeks full of Cheetos puffs and stare more intently at the television. After a few moments she decided it might not be coming from the television at all and she immediately started looking for the kittens.

The toxic green and vivid magenta venomous kittens were currently taking turns trying to scale Marx's birdcage to get in better swatting range. The surly macaw, for his part, was throwing peanuts at them from the edge of his food bowl. None of them were on fire.

The Derby Dame rose from the couch and headed for the kitchen to see if someone (perhaps herself or the half CHUD rodent) had left the stove on. There was no heat or sign of usage, but she still could smell the smoke. Sami headed for the front door and peaked her head out into the hallway. No one was there and the smell was actually weaker in the air pushing through the corridor. So, she closed her door and went back into the apartment.

Cerulean peepers narrowed in on the television and the politician although she could barely understand what they were saying. However, she did hear a commotion outside. To the edge of her living room she walked and paused next to a seal-cracked window. The curtains were pulled back and Sami could do nothing but balk at the scene below.

Mannequins dressed in various costumes were hanging by nooses from the tree in the apartment courtyard. A man with a beard and purple robes and a pointed hat, a woman with green flesh and a black dress and cloak, and a boy in robes with a lightening bolt on his forehead were all lined up with people standing around them bearing torches.

A mean-faced woman with a microphone was speaking about safety and about children. There was a roar from the crowd and with one sure strike they set the boy on fire. The fake boy. The plastic boy. A harmless fictional character was dying in the courtyard.

So, this is what the man on the television was trying to protect?

Sami frowned and stepped back from the window and closed the curtains. The moral of the story was this: Don't get out of bed in the morning.

Samilee Burke · Date: 2009-09-02 17:56 EST

Reason #6: No one would notice if you didn't wake up.

Tuesdays were never that fabulous. This previous Tuesday felt like a major failure. First watching mannequin death and then scoring 67 over par on a 9 hole golf course. Granted, the cheap whiskey likely hadn't helped matters. Somewhere in the midst she had blown a gasket at the notion of marriage, relationships, and her current hatred of men.

The truth was that she didn't hate men. She had just come to the conclusion that most of them didn't care much for her.

It should be noted that the Derby Dame hadn't locked her apartment door once in the last 13months. Tuesday night was no exception. After stumbling in completely shit-faced she tossed her clubs in the corner, covered Marx's birdcage with a sheet, and swan dove into bed without so much as a wayward glance.

Every night she tried to sleep and to dream. Prometheans don't sleep like normal people. Sami would have to gorge herself on glamour (the ethereal essence) before trying to kick off to Sandman's Land. Sometimes it would work and others it would not. Regardless, she would close her eyes for hours on end and let her mind wander to where it would find relief.

Most nights she saw faces of those she knew. One face in particular seemed to haunt her late-night dreamings, the face of the djinn she had once cared for very deeply. In all respects, Sami felt as if she had betrayed Faenix by continuing her friendship with the slavers and the rough rabble of the Red Dragon. Still, he was the reason she kept her door unlocked at all times and never invited male friends over to the apartment.

Faenix was the last person she felt could have actually loved her.

So, in the mornings (or more typically, afternoons) whenever Sami woke from her attempted slumber she would look to space in the bed where she slept. No arms to hold or breath to hear or lips to kiss. It was a daily reminder of how terribly awry her life have gone and how very much she missed the simple act of loving someone.

On Wednesday morning she awoke and looked around the room and then went to shower with a sigh.

The moral of the story was this: Don't get out of bed in the morning.