Topic: Black Swan Diary

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-01-21 20:17 EST
It's been over a week. Over a week since I started to feel the Dark get a stronger claim over my spirit. I can feel it spreading like a disease. Spill out like oil across midnight waters.

Eating me up on the inside. It has changed me and only a few have noticed the subtle alterings. People I thought were friends, people I thought cared are too busy in their own lives. How can I blame them?

I was once a wallflower before. Unnoticed, just a dark imprint ... a shadow soul.

Our kind sometimes believe... that if you are not seen... that you disappear.

I feel like I'm fading.

That recently I have walked past a few that used to see me... truly see me... and now I might as well be the ghost that haunts them.

Yet others... they see me.

Tucker in his strange change and nature sees me. Sees me when so many months have passed when I was just as invisible to him.

Wolf Eyes sees me.

Mirror Mirror.

He calls me his Mirror. I'm starting to understand why.

Starting to understand how the changes in Tucker's nature could make him see me. I want to help him... to free him of that burden.

Lang and Dark have remain constants... and now... Dean. He has become one that I have learned to trust, to open up to, to confide in.

He knows the secrets that I wanted to share with Reap but everything changes.

Everything falls apart.

I'm fading...

But maybe it's better that I fade then become something that Dean hates, that terrifies him.

I cannot become the monster that my friend will fear.

I will die first.

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-01-22 06:24 EST
I am so tired. The exhaustion seems infinite and constant. Worn down to the bone and deep in the soul.

I'm sick of trying to understand others. Their hatred, their loathing, their nature to believe black and white that scrawls like a disease on paper.

I don't care anymore.

Let them think what they will. Let them be blind sheep to the slaughter.

Maybe I'll watch from the dark claim of the Wild Hunt while they all die. It gets so much closer to that breaking point for me...

They can have their assumptions and their foolish wars.

The curious thing is watching them lie to themselves to make it all so much easier, all while they make their accusations and watch with their eyes.

So damn stuck in their belief in the lies.

Maybe one day they'll all come falling down from their pedastols.

I wish I could be there to see the show.

Funny... the judgements made... and no one... save for a handful... really know me at all.

I might have blood on my hands but that's one thing clucking hens don't talk about.

No. They talk about what they don't know. They talk about they want to belief to get ugly and make the world turn against you.

I'm done with caring.

I tried the whole open up and let people in.

All it taught me is that in general... you can't trust anyone.

When you start trusting them... all they do is break you.

All they do is disappoint you.

It's becoming so much harder to control the change. I'll have to tell Dark that his pendant isn't working. The marks... the ink exchange is getting worse.

I can feel it coming. Soon so very soon... maybe just maybe Dean will need to put me down like the Dog I am.

I know of a handful that would be happy with that. The question is though... if it was the end for me, do people see you off at your funeral because they genuinely gave a damn and cared and missed you, or are they there for the food? Or worse... are they just there to make sure that you stay dead.

I am so scared...

It's getting harder to find the light... and you've left me here in the darkness...

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-01-23 06:34 EST
Funny how you find that the people you thought you knew ... well you just don't know them at all.

Then there are those that you don't really think of trying to know... and those become the ones that you seem to have everything in common with.

I've had my most intellectual soul depth of conversations in an alley.

From kisses blown to shining stars where old friends long since have gone away, to an imprint touch of fingertips in reassurance that maybe no matter how dark it was... how empty within... that even then you aren't alone.

Those moments are giving me reasons not to give up.

I still seek out hope. Clutch to it through it all.

Patience sometimes is the hardest thing to tolerate... but when you've lived as long as I have, and through as much as I have... it's something you learn to do.

Lovers in the Dark and Lovers in the Light.

Sometimes its easy to see the genuine affection that you want to preserve and make sure stays constant.

Oh I know I have no control over that, but if I can protect Dean and Quinn from outside harms... I will.

They are... and have... everything that I come so close to...

But as soon as I reach for it, it flits and flies away from my fingertips.

Coy is the heart. Wicked the sweet bliss of emotions.

I'm holding on to something as fragile as Hope because sometimes it's become so dark... it feels like that's all I have.

Things are better though. I'm getting stronger.

People actually give a damn. Somebody actually needs me... and my help.

Purpose...

It's everything to me.

I've been waiting in the shadows to be seen for far too long...

For once.

Strangely.

When I was hiding the most.

Somebody found me. Saw me.

The real me.

Funny what the alley way can do to up your reassurance that things maybe, just maybe, will all work out alright.

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-01-27 06:21 EST
Things are going to be alright.

Moving on and moving forward. I'm not going to spend my life mulling over a few broken words. A lie.

My kind hold so much value in words. The weight of them, the power of them, the control they can wield. Something as simple as a name spoken can possess a soul if spoken in such a way.

Who needs to be terrified of snapped photographs if a word can do far more damage and wield power?

The Sidhe don't lie. We cannot lie. Oh we can twist words and leave you down a tangled path but we down to the grain... cannot lie.

I remember once my father had told me that this is why humans were good for nothing more then mind tricks and bed romps. That they were beneath us.

I don't have my father's viewpoint... but...

No.

I won't let it get to that point.

I'll never be my father.

I cannot deny the blood in my veins... but I will not become as my father has.

Never.

I think somewhere throughout it all... I might have just lost my way.

It's getting so fxcking hard to find it again.

All the paths are twisted and gnarled.

Time to cut the heart strings.

Really all they do is get in the way.

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-02-24 22:12 EST
I promised that I wouldn't let my heart get involved.

Maybe my heart is healing. I think it is. I still see him though.

It's hard not to.

Moving on and moving forward.

All I can do... but when I see that something is off with him, I have the urge to go to him to make sure that he's alright.

Stupid way of the spirit.

Damn emotions.

At least I have the Misfit Toys ... my rag tag group of friends to keep me company and to help me carry on.

I am adjusting...

I don't know if I can trust the Fae King.

Surely he cannot lie but I am certain he could deceive.

After all he was the one that brought me into the Wild Hunt.

I didn't know until a few weeks ago... and I've been lost since.

He took the Wild Hunt from me.

No longer am I the Gabriel Ratchet...

Still it's been so long since I've been anything but that.

Where do I go from here?

I wish I knew...

I think Cookie understands or maybe sees just how lost I am.

He's leading me into distraction.

Which I'm grateful for.

It keeps me from hunting Wolf eyes in the night... and wanting a Dark edge to claim once more.

The Dark Court is still there...

Deep in my soul... the black thick of the velvet dark spreads still... and calls out to be unleashed.

I don't know how much longer I can control it.

It's in my blood...

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-03-03 18:02 EST
Not Alone.

I'm not Alone.

We are all intertwined.

Fated and Bound.

That's what Wicked Said. That's what Handsome promised.

A Demon, A Demon Hunter, A Retired Preacher, and a Fae.

Dean also said we'd have been enemies come his world if we all were there.

I realize it more then ever. I shy from it all.

The Shame and uncertainty of it all so great. Maybe if Dean killed me I'd deserve it.

Then again Truth watches me but doesn't judge. He's concerned for my soul. Thinks I've made some sort of pact with Wicked that has me damned.

I was damned from the first moment of my life when Donovan, my father, cut into my skin and watched me bleed.

Cold Iron and I was helpless.

He reminded me then of just how alone I was.

Reminded me of how Jinx had taken the one that mattered from me.... and he had gone willingly.

My father reminded me that no matter what was said I would be left behind.

I keep myself... all of this in my heart and in my head as hushed and my own...

The truth is I'm terrified that one day it will all happen again and I'll be left alone.

Nothing but the Shadows and a Black Swan Mask to claim me.

It's a constant game of solitaire.

The ones I pushed away... but I couldn't help it. Broken and Betrayed. How could I trust the Fae King after what he did. I care but this... it all near destroyed me.

They all destroy me. Break me and tear me up inside. The despair of it all eats away at me.

I'm so tired...

I'm trying to survive and maybe they see it now. I'm only so strong when the world makes me feel like I'm nothing. My life filled with people that I care for that become strangers just passing through.

So to try and save myself... I suggested a dinner of the Misfit Toys and their significant others.

The irony of it all? I realized there was no plus one when it came to me.

Better to be the Hostess.

Never to let them see, that really all I wanted to do was move on. Ask someone in particular to dinner...

But look how that all ended up the last time I tried.

Maybe my father was right...Black B*tch, Mongrel Wh*re he called me.

Even once Dean seemed to see it too...

Perhaps they just see what I can't see anymore, maybe I'm only lying to myself...

I can't go through this again... I wish I had the strength to let them in... to make them see... to make them understand...

I'm so scared that if they knew... I'd lose them all.

I can't. I just can't.

I need them.

They're all I have.

Nothing besides them....nothing else matters

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-03-06 06:56 EST
Tonight I found a dead hellhound. The scent of it was what pulled me but the sight of it shook me to the core.

I didn't see that damn hellhound lying there. I saw the Gabriel Ratchett. I saw the Black Dog of the Wild Hunt. I saw.... I saw myself.

I found myself crouched there on the ground and looking over that dead mutt thinking... this could have been me. This could have been a moment between Dean and I where he kept his word.

It's one thing to be free of the Wild Hunt. I thought being released from the Wild Hunt that I'd lose the Black Dog too. I couldn't be more wrong.

I'm still the Gabriel Ratchett. Still the Black Dog. That part isn't leaving me.

Cookie wants me to fight. Wants me to duel. I don't mind watching but when you come back from the Dark Court where stepping out of the ring means you survived by the skin of your teeth ... the rest of it just seems a sparkle show.

All I remember is Death. That and survival.

Some might figure that those of the Dark Court do not have nightmares... that a hand of power like the hand of Nightmares would be pointless against a creature of the Dark Court.

They couldn't be more wrong.

We all fear...

The screams of someone confronted with their nightmare right before their very eyes is a strange sound to hear.

I used to enjoy that sound...

I used to enjoy it while I brought on the nightmares.

Handsome and Truth find it impossible, could never possibly consider me a monster. But they don't know...

All that I've done, all that I've been. I sure as hell am not a demon but sometimes I wonder if I'm just waiting for the moment they see me for what I am.

For the day they'll put me in a circle of salt and cut me open with Iron to watch me bleed.

Hideous visage does not have to be the requirement for a monster.

Just ask a Malloy.

We're the Daughters of Donovan.

Bless... I hope it never comes to that...

Sidonie Malloy

Date: 2010-03-07 20:01 EST
I'm starting to loathe this honesty thing. Truth brings out the truth in me.

Maybe I damned myself with giving him such a name.

Just one night and already I admitted my feelings.

That I cared for him.

That I was drawn to him.

That... I might be falling for him.

No.

I am.

I can only imagine what they will think. What they will say.

The Misfits and everyone else?

Does it really matter?

He still feels so close to me...

I could lose myself in him... and the thought of getting lost with him...

is vaguely appealing.

I'm finding myself again in him...