Topic: The Beast From the Ceiling

Talomar Longden · Date: 2006-09-16 19:03 EST

It had been a long day at S.E.C.T.O.R. as Talomar Longden tried to keep the trade flowing between planets while also keeping an eye out for an I.I.S.C. reprisal for his destruction of the Decimator, Planet Destroyer Class V ship. His carriage brought him to the front of their new castle just as the sun was setting. The Count stepped out of the carriage, a leather brief in his hand, and he walked up to the front door. It opened before him, and he stepped inside.

It had also been a long day at ?Longden Headquarters? where the Countess had been busy screwing one thing up after another. Presently she was in the middle of the foyer and she appeared to have been either through a very wild windstorm with the way her hair is all messed up (as well as her clothing) or through Hell, whichever one is more comfortable with.

When she saw her husband, her eyes exploded and she crieed out "HONEYSUCKLE! DONT TAKE ANOTHER STEP!" A hand went out to him as she looked down, all around herself, at the many dominoes that had been set up at her feet and all throughout the castle it would seem.

The Count stopped in mid stride, his booted foot suspended in the air.

"WHAT?!"

He had no idea what the trouble could be. Is she contaminated? Had a terrorist placed an explosive charge? Is there a ectoplasmic confrontation imminent? He stood there wide-eyed and he took her hand in his. His eyes followed hers to the floor. "What the . . .?!"

?Shhh,? she warned.

He whispered, "What is all....this?"

Shifty eyed, she began to explain the "what the..." in whisper form. "A booby-trap system."

She pointed to the stairs where more dominoes were seen going up. "I got the beast trapped in a broom closet. That fucker takes one step out, he's gonna be toast. Now, as you ambulate, take care to step over the dominoes so you do not trigger them because once that happens, this whole place is gonna blow." She was serious and apparently forgetful of the fact that their previous dwelling had been eradicated in the same fashion.

Talomar blinked. Already jumpy because of I.I.S.C., he didn?t know what to think. "Beast? A Beast in the Broom Closet?

"BLOW?!" What she said was sinking in.

"The baby an' Clair are on the roof. Yes, a beast. A beast most foul. SHHH! It can hear you," she said in a voice not her own.

"TARA!!"

He remembered the delicate situation and lowered his voice, "Tara....what beast? And you're going to blow up our new home?!" He couldn't believe his ears. "I swear, Tara, you blow this castle and will live the remainder of our very long lifetime in a studio apartment!"

Talomar Longden · Date: 2006-09-16 19:04 EST

She blinked, not liking the idea of being in such cramped quarters (a lover of coffins or not) at all. "Okay, maybe not blow the whole palace but it'll take a good chunk out of it fer sure. I wasn't sure how much of the blast sticks to buy so I purchased two tons of it and put it down in the basement. The dominoes lead all the way down there and throughout the palace. Took me all damn day to set em up. Once they go, we have roughly five minutes to vacate the premises an' get a mile or so down the road or we will be obliterated, the guy that sold me the stuff said."

She looked up at him. "You look grumpy. Did you eat the soup I packed in yer lunch pail today?"

"TWO TONS!!!" The veins in his neck began to bulge. "Do you have any idea what two tons of dynamite will do to this castle? You'll kill us all...and Marius! And yes, I ate the soup!"

"Good cuz it is very important that you stick to the diet regimen I've laid out for you," she says and pats his belly. "You are putting on some weight." She smiled. "Let's levitate up to the second level an' I'll show you where the little bastard is but I warn you, muffinbreath, it is the scariest son of a bitch I've ever seen. I screamed ten times when I saw it. I hope you dun do the same cuz the guy also said sound could trigger the dominoes too an' we both know what'll happen then, hmm?" She tapped her temple and lifted off from the ground.

He didn't need this.

Not tonight.

All day he had been dreaming of coming home to his beautiful wife, having a nice dinner, wife, getting naked and making love. It wasn?t asking for too much. At least he didn't think so. And now he has to levitate in order to not blow their new castle to smithereens and become another front page story. "I'm coming, angel." He lifted off the floor and moved quickly to the second floor.

Once they arrive at the door, she points to it and sighs. "Well, we've come to it at last. The fucker's fast so I dun know if you should open the door, but I want you to get rid of it cuz it's definitely fugly, foul, an' I ain't never seen nuffin like it before. There's no way that creature is indigenous to Rhy'Din, nuh uh. That thing done fell through a portal hole an' got dropped here an' he's been terrorizing citizens here ever since."

She slid her eyes to him. "Well dun jus' stand there, honeypot, do somefin!"

"One minute love, don't let him get out." Talomar was truly concerned. No beast was going to menace his home, wife and child! He transported immediately to their suite, dropped off the leather satchel, and picked up his demon sword. Seconds later he returned and gave Tara a wink. "I needed some exercise. This should be entertaining. Open the door and stand back."

She looked to the sword. "You sure you dun want a shovel? I got one ready for ya over there," she pointed to the wall where the shovel was propped up.

He looked to the shovel. "I'll use the sword. I think this sword will do a cleaner job, love."

"Okies, an' yes, you do need the exercise, pudgy. I'll open the door.

"Get ready! He's gonna come atcha really fast an' he's mad pissed off, been kickin at that door all damn day!"

He mouthed, "Pudgy?" There wasn?t a bit of body fat on his vampire body. He wondered if his wife might be needing glasses.

Tara put her hand on the doorknob.

"I'm ready,? he said.

"Here goes. I love you, puddin!"

He raised the sword.

She shut her eyes and yanked the door open to reveal . . .

Talomar Longden · Date: 2006-09-16 19:07 EST

His arm moved back.

. . . a baby kangaroo.

She screamed for the eleventh time.

The sword swung at the little creature. Tal saw the ?beast? for what it is and diverted the blow just in time, putting the sword blade into the door frame.

"AGH! It's gonna kill us all! KILL IT! KILL IT!"

He stood there a moment, then picked up the little Joey.

She paled seeing this. "Talomar Longden, are you insane?!"

He had and idea, and began to grin. He held up the Joey and stared into its eyes. "MASTER....I AM AT YOUR COMMAND. WHAT IS IT YOU WISH ME TO DO?"

Her head tilted. "Your WIFE wants you to smash the fucker's skull in! Do that!"

He pretended to hear something. He nodded his head. "YES MASTER." Tal turned to Tara, "He said we must make love immediately, or he will attack."

Tara gasped. "That's preposterous, but I dun wanna piss it off anymore. Jus' tell it to go away!"

"I can't. He has an army just outside. He's going to take over Rhydin. He wants you to be his bride."

"Ewwww....never! C'mon then, I did nuh put dominoes down this hall."

Talomar laughed, "Tara, my little vampire, I'm just teasing you. This is what is known as a baby kangaroo. It?s not dangerous. But where did he come from?"

She pointed up to the ceiling. "There."

He looked to the ceiling. "He came through the ceiling?"

"He parachuted in. Yeah. I was polishin muh toenails at the time an' now cuz of that FREAK I messed it all up!"

He had to laugh again...then stopped. "Don't tell me we have a damn portal from Earth right here on our 2nd floor."

"Frickin kicked me in the head! Dincha, ya lil bastard!" She went to punch the kangaroo.

"The little feller was probably scared," Talomar said, holding the Joey away from her.

"He tried to waylay me but I was ready for him, wasn't I!" She made threatening motions to it.

Talomar remembers the dominoes. "Oh my. Tara, I think this is a clear case of the cure being worse than the disease."

"I grabbed his scrawny little neck an' threw him in the broom closet! Then I set up all the dominoes an' the blast sticks cuz I wasn't gonna let nuh foul beast try to ruin muh beauty procedures! I dun care, he's a threat to muh peace an' tranquility!?

It would be interesting to find out if Talomar ever wondered what his wife was doing at home without him around.

Talomar Longden · Date: 2006-09-16 19:09 EST

Talomar looked at the Joey, "Awwww...what did my Tara do to you?" He looked to Tara. "I'll put him back through the portal."

"You can stuff him up the chimney for all I care jus' so long as he dun come kickin muh head 'gain! An' dun let him kiss you, he uses his tongue. Damned germ-infested creature!"

He had to laugh at that. "Yes, I'll be careful, but Tara, love...we still have the little problem of the dominos and the dynamite."

"Oh, nuh uh," she said with a grin, "I jus' said that out loud in case the fucker was listenin?; they ain't really tied to nuh blast sticks, jus' plain dominoes. I wanted to scare him an' I hope I did. DINT I, YOU LIL BASTARD! HUH! HAD YOU CRYIN!" She moved to choke the Joey.

He smiled with relief that the castle wasn't about to explode, and held the Joey from Tara. "Love, don't choke him. You should pet him. Do you realize that you're probably the only one in Rhydin who has such a pet? Jewell is going to be soooo envious of you."

That got her attention. "Really?"

He gave a nod. "She'll be drooling."

She smirked and reached out to pet him, although from the look on her face it's clear she didn't want to. "Dun slobber up muh hand neither ya lil prick!" Which, of course, the kangaroo did by licking her. She groaned, shudderd and did a hop back and forth on her feet, all skeeved out.

"See, that's not so bad. This beats any animal that Jewell might have. She'll probably try to steal him."

"Jewelsies got those dumb dolphins."

He laughed. "See, he likes you. Oh, anyone can have dolphins."

"an' penguins too. I hate them things, I does. I heard they was birds, but they dun fly or nuffin cuz they is lazy."

"A kangeroo is very rare."

"Ooh, rare you say?"

"Very rare...especially here on RhyDin. I think it's the first ever to appear on Rhydin."

She reconsiders evicting the thing. "Okies but it ain't sleepin in the bed wif us or I'll kill it."

She brushed past Talomar and the kangaroo and headed for their bedroom, but not before looking at the Joey and whispering "I hate you."

"I'll have him put him outside with the other animals, dear.

He summoned a servant, telling the butler to not worry about the dominos and take the Joey out to the stables.

"Serves him right for flyin? down into our house! I ain't walkin? it neither. I'll brag about owning him to everybody, but he's YOUR pet, YOUR responsibility Talomar. I ain't gonna love that thing nuh matter what, an' he better toe the line or he's history!"

"That's fair enough, darling."

Sans Joey, Talomar led Tara into the bedroom. "I'm amazed at how clever you were in capturing him and in setting up the mock bomb scare." He actually wondered how she could be so retarded, but that?s beside the point. It was what endeared her to him. It was what made every day of his life interesting.

"Thank you." She grined. "I am vera talented, I am. You had to see the look on the lil prick's face when I told him he was gonna git shot clear to the heavens wif what I had in store for him."

He just grinned and moved in close with that look in his eyes. "I love you, Tara."

Tara blinked a bit and smiled. "I love you too, honeysuckle."

Talomar smiled softly and took her into his arms, his hand touching her beautiful red hair. "You are so beautiful. I can't blame animals for dropping in to see you."

She snuggled into his arms, glad he was home. "I am beautiful, but that's nuh excuse for him to come here wifout an appointment. I was completely unprepared. Does you wanna get naked now an' love each other?" Her eyes look up at him.

She had read his mind.