Topic: From Heart to Paper

Serah Farron · Date: 2013-12-10 21:12 EST

December 10th

I decided to start writing in this notebook as a way to leave a piece of me behind. This way when I do die something will be left behind for my sister to remember me by. I don't want her to ever forget me but my life is slipping away with each vision.

I had three episodes last week. The visions I have seen, and what parts I can remember, have been of Pulse. A desolate, scorched wasteland. So many deaths and so many suffering.

One of these times I was in the company of one of the few friends I have. Jamo just appeared out of nowhere after missing for about five months. It was nice to see him again though. He gives me small hope that there are sane men in Rhy'Din. I ended up having a small episode with him in the booth with me but he smoothed over the pain with a drink he had me sip on that had a pinch of the Spice in it.

The feeling the Spice gave me was nothing short of euphoric. My senses were sharpened and I felt more relaxed than I have in a long time.

I haven't told him completely about the visions or that they are basically killing me. He doesn't need that knowledge on his plate and while I had considered addicting myself to the Spice that he is so familiar with I had decided against that too. I would have to be dependent on his stash and it wouldn't be fair to him. That would be cutting his own supply down and I don't want to do that to him.

I've just decided to accept what time I have left. I haven't told Lightning though. I know she would just spend all her time worrying and fretting. I don't want that for her. Her life is just getting back on track with Noctis.

I want to at least get to make her wedding. That is my hope and wish. Etro please grant me strength.

Serah Farron · Date: 2014-01-18 20:45 EST

January 18th

So I haven't written in a while but there hasn't been much really to write about and what little there is hurts to think about let alone put to paper.

I know one day, when I am gone, my sister will read this. While I am really not wanting to leave her with sad memories this is also to help ease some burden off my mind.

Late December I had decided to take Jamo up on his kind offer of moving in with him. His home is pretty big and large enough that we don't even have to see each other if we wanted it. I have a pretty large room and my own bathroom. Staying with Jamo is only temporary. I will eventually find an apartment that suits my needs. It has been kind of hard to find a place when I don't have a job that pays.

While I liked staying at Errand's inn it wasn't quite as home-y feeling and felt pretty empty even though Errand was there most of the time. I guess after finding out what was under the inn also had a bit of effect on me too. It was kind of scary and creepy at the same time.

Jamo knows about the visions and despite me saying that I didn't want to (because I didn't want to cut his storage by any means) he seems to think that adding Melange to my diet will help me. He actually got this firm tone and stare at me when I told him I shouldn't because it would be cutting into his supply. He is one of the few friends I have in this hellhole and one of the two people who know I am dying. His concern was rather touching. And while I had at one time thought about asking him about it, sharing his supply with me just so I live longer, I found myself regretting the idea. My life isn't so important that he should shorten his own and if I was taking the Spice he could possibly need in the future I would be doing just that. He firmly stated that I would be doing no such thing. So I guess it is something to think on.

I don't feel like I have a lot of time. Like death is hovering over me and waiting to take me away. Recently I wish it had.

Diritas came to the inn to attempt to speak to me again. I just want him to go away and yet he seems to always be around. Nor does he seem to realize just how much he hurt me. Or he just doesn't care so long as he gets what he wants. I don't trust him. I can't trust him. I know who and how he is now. How could I be so blind before? He turned me against my own sister and I was blind to it. He used my kindness and willingness to give him a chance against me. He claims one thing but his actions and words say another. And then I found out from Constance what he did to her and Lenore? Oh HELL no! If he shows his face near me again I am likely to punch him! In the face!

I just want him to go away. He broke my heart and that means nothing to him. He has made it abundantly clear. He is the reason I've given up on the idea of ever dating again. While we never dated I did . . . care for him.

Jamo said it was a pity that a lovely young woman like me has given up on dating. I don't think it is a pity. After all if I do die this year? It will save whoever I might of been with at the time some heartache. So it is better off that I don't. Better off, also, that I don't tell Lightning everything that has been going on this past month. If she does read this she will find out then but right now she has enough on her plate. Besides when I am dead and gone it will be one less bother for her. She won't have to worry about how I am doing or anything like that. So long as she doesn't forget me there will always be a part of me that will live on.

Serah Farron · Date: 2014-01-19 15:43 EST

January 19th

I woke up with a start about two minutes ago and wanted to get this down before I forgot it.

I had the strangest dream but it felt more like a memory. Like maybe it was something my subconscious was trying to remind me?

Since my arrival to Rhy'Din I have had this continuous sense as if I am forgetting a person I should know. I remember a guy with kind eyes and a friendly smile. Who is protective and strong. Someone I care about but for the life of me I cannot remember what he looks like or the sound of his voice.

It is haunting and maybe I am just imagining it. I feel bad though. What if he is someone real and I don't remember him? Someone I care about I wouldn't just forget.

In my dream I was standing in a wasteland that I could only describe as once being New Bodhum. People swallowed and destroyed by the sands of the once beautiful beach. I remember feeling the horror and panic. I remember feeling a heavy sense of being lost and alone. Then he shows up, telling me not to give up. To keep going strong as I always have been.

Now that I think about it I feel a little upset at him for saying it even though it was a dream. Do people really not understand what I am/have gone through? Do they not understand how absolutely hard it is to keep smiling when you have so much weight that it is crushing you? Making it hard to breath and want to move. All I have been doing is struggling and moving forward. Trying to be strong like Lightning and everyone else wants me to. It is hard doing it alone. It is hard smiling when all I want to do is cry.

I'm going to try harder to remember this person because nobody wants to be forgotten. I know when I end up gone I don't want to be forgotten but there isn't really many who would remember me once I am gone anyways. Lightning would but she would always end up sad thinking of me so probably would try not to think of me. Maybe Jamo. Errand? Maybe. I have a feeling to him I am but a grain of sand in a huge hourglass. I can't really think of anyone else. The few people I do know I don't know that well or haven't known long. Maybe I'll end up like this guy I can't remember. Forgotten in the flow of time.

Serah Farron · Date: 2014-02-06 18:38 EST

February 6th

I don't know where to start. So much has came crashing down on me at once. Arthour approached me telling me that he had witnessed Claire breaking down when someone brought me up. Two someones actually. She claimed that they were lying and that I was dead. That I have been dead for a long time.

The hurt isn't going away from when I first heard but it also has me thinking. What if I am not her Serah? What if I am just a fragment that is just here until my time is up? What if I am just a Serah from an alternate world. Not her Serah. It is frightening to think about and at the same time it makes me so sad. Because if I am her Serah that means she's forgotten about me. About me coming here. About this hellish year I have been in this place called Rhydin.

I thought we were finally getting close and now? Now there is nothing. To her I am dead, my soul lost. To her there is no Serah in Rhydin. There never was and anyone who tries to tell her different is insane.

I am thinking about changing my hair, my name, and staying away from everyone I know. At least stay away from them as Serah. I think I might talk to Lenore and see what color she thinks I should do my hair. I will need to talk to Jamo and see if he is okay with this and hear his opinion on the matter. Also about the Spice. I know he has been sneaking it in my drink after I have had a vision. He is trying to ease my pain. He is a good friend. Even if he is like old enough to be my grandpa.

I haven't told him yet but I have this big feeling that I am not going to see the end of this year. Maybe not even the end of this summer. If I can hide out until then it will be less trouble for Lightning in the future. If I am truly dead to her then there is no reason for me to make it harder on her by showing myself to her. No, not make it harder on her, on us both. I don't know if I could take her looking at me like I am nothing more than a ghost here to haunt her and I don't think she would be able to handle it. She might get worse and I don't want that. If I am dead maybe Noctis and Zack can help her to let go so she can live her life happily. I'm already forgotten. All I want now is for her to be happy.

Adding to that it seems like I am a sure target for trouble. Or naked people. Over the past month I've had two people in the marketplace drop in on me. One totally naked and the other like a new born child even if he was only a few years younger than me. Then there is the naked minotaur Vorshk who was rubbing my shoulders. I still don't know why but so long as the couch was between him and me it wasn't so bad. And then! Then there is Thel-an who was apparently spat out by the nexus in the middle of the inn stark naked. I am glad the inn was quiet because he was confused and it seemed like even a little going on was hurting his head.

One thing you could say about my time in Rhydin. It hasn't been dull.

Serah Farron · Date: 2014-02-10 17:17 EST

February 10th

This morning sucked royally. I went in for an interview for a modeling job and had a vision right in the middle of it. A bad one too. I was so embarrassed when I woke up after the episode. Thankfully they thought I just had a seizure but in the end I didn't get the job.

I have started working on a little project. I'm going to dye my hair and take a different name for a while. Not be me. Jamo will know and likely a few other people but not many. Maybe two more. Not like anyone will miss Serah Farron being around. Not sure if I am going to tell Zack or not. Not even sure why he would want to know. Not like talks with me all that often. I guess it is for Lightning's sake.

Serah Farron · Date: 2014-03-17 09:50 EST

March 17th

I guess I should start writing more than once a month considering I likely don't have a lot of time left right? Well there is a reason why I didn't write during the last month or so.

You see I had decided that I didn't want to be me. After finding out Claire had forgot about me I just couldn't handle it anymore. I mean everyone tells me I am a strong person but don't they know that a person can only handle so much before the weight crushes them? That is how I felt. Crushed into a fine powder that was just waiting for the wind to come by and blow away.

I changed my hair and my name to a sort of stage name. I joined a group of really A Cappella group. They are a bunch of nice people and I didn't have to think about being me and all this hurt.

It was nice at first. Nobody knew it was me but Jamo and a few others. I could just live. Nothing else. I thought I had ran away from it all at least for a little while. An escape I guess you could say.

Then Diritas found me out. Not long after so did Claire, who remembered I existed again. She was tricked into believing I was dead. While I heard her whole story it still didn't help the ache. I know what she did was to try and save my soul but I feel even more distant from her then before. She is like a world apart from me.

So back I am to being me. Smiling to the world but crying behind closed doors. Pretty sure Jamo knows and he has been trying to comfort me in ways that don't seem so obvious. Still sneaking me Spice and now I carry a little vial of it with me just in case.

Friday, the 14th, a few of my friends came to watch a show. Constance and her brother were there. Constance and James are so different. She is so refine and always dressed so pretty. I wish I had even a fraction of her confidence. James just kind of, well like I told him, looks like the boy next door. The cute kind of boy next door that I could totally see myself dating. Not that I am going to try to date him. I am not that stupid. I don't know if Connor went and I didn't have a chance to thwap him for sending me that picture! I'll get my chance! Lenore was there too! I was so happy to see her there! I still haven't asked if she had fun but she seemed like she did. It was nice to see them all there but it also made me nervous. I guess I just wanted to do good in front of them?

The night ended up pretty crappy despite the day being awesome. I remember getting drunk with the girls from the group. I was heading home when I bumped into Diritas. I am trying really hard just to be able to talk to this guy but damn if he just doesn't make me want to punch his face in every time I see him. He just -- UGH!

I ended up leaving and going back to the inn where I got even more drunk thanks to Gothrak. I don't really remember anything past the second shot of bourbon. I was told yesterday though that apparently me and Gothrak were talking about bedfellows and he offered to be mine. I had declined but Rollo said if I had more shots in me I might not of. Gothrak is an o.k. guy but I don't want to get in bed with him!

Yeah Rollo had taken me to the side yesterday, for a walk, so people didn't have to hear him ask me about how I was doing. He had seen the whole mess in the inn. Others had too he had said. I was a mess. Honestly aside from maybe ending up in bed with Gothrak I really didn't care that people saw me so drunk.

Rollo kind of came on to me while we were talking and while he is a nice guy I really don't have any interest in him past being friends. I feel bad about it but I really don't feel any sort of connection with him. I even told him I just wanted to be friends and he said if that was what I desired but Then he kissed me and it felt like he had crossed a line. Forced himself on me despite knowing how I felt and what I was going through. I know that wasn't his intention but it felt like dealing with Tommy all over again and I panicked. I ran. Knowing that I was going through a very hard time he just really picked a bad time to try and make a move on me like that.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Shouldn't I be flattered or something instead of scared? I'm so screwed up.

Serah Farron · Date: 2014-03-27 03:04 EST

March 27th

I did something stupid and it may of very well cost my friendship with Lenore.

A few days ago she came to me telling me that she and Diritas had been bumping into each other and he up and kissed her. How could he kiss her if he has a girlfriend? Not only that but this so called feelings he had for me? It isn't like I am jealous I am just like WTF!?

He was one of my first friends since coming here. He told me he wanted to change from his old, pirate ways. He wanted to be a good person. Despite my sister's warnings, despite all the signs, I stuck it out. I was clinging to that little spot of good I thought I saw in him. My sister told me trying to see the good in someone like him was only going to get me hurt and she was right. I got hurt so many times I can't count and yet I kept hoping that he was a changed person. The countless times he verbally assaulted my sister, trying to provoke her into fights. Other people. Hurting and manipulating other people.

It wasn't until after I came back from being kidnapped that I realized he wasn't as a changed person at all. That he was just good at hiding he lies. He wore so many masks and spoke so many lies. The night he tried to tell me that he needed me. That he couldn't live without me. He kept pushing and pushing, despite knowing how worn out and tired I was. Silver tongue I listened to and probably would of bought into if Errand hadn't swept me away.

Come to find out while he was wooing me he was using his magic to attack Errand. My friend! At the same time! I know Errand is bad for saying some pretty harsh things but he only speaks what he sees and knows. What words he said to Diritas was his opinion and while it could of seemed like his words were sharp they were his opinion to have. And Diritas didn't like it so he attacked Errand while speaking to me like nothing was going on.

How do you react to something like that?

Errand barely knew me but when he took me away that night he did something for me that I had really needed at the time. He brought me to a little inn, placed me in a room, and left me alone. He gave me the space I needed to cry and work out my feelings. Brought me food three times a day but otherwise left me alone. I think at one point he thought I killed myself because it was silent in my room. I had actually gone out for a little bit in attempt to brave the world.

I don't know what to do. I feel stupid for telling Gothrak and Constance now. I did it because I cared and like so many other times I do something because I care it bit my ass royally. Maybe I should stop being nice and caring. Just give it up and say screw it! But I guess then I wouldn't be me.

I said I was sorry but there isn't really much more I can do.

Maybe I'll go out a little tomorrow to pick up a dress for my sister since her fashion sense sucks. She is going to need an extra special dress for Beltane this year. I would say that is me trying to be positive but I think that is just me attempting to do something with myself.

Right now I guess I'll try and sleep. Haven't been sleeping really good lately. Between the visions, the broken heart, and the nightmares of when I was kidnapped and brutally abused there isn't much reason for happy dreams and peace.