The scene is a stage in a bar. A Tri-D screen suspended from the ceiling onstage is positioned across from a chair where a man sits in the shadows. A lively soundtrack roars to life from the speakers throughout the bar as the Tri-D screen flares to life. A chorus proclaims the wonders of Ned while a neon starburst radiates from the center of the screen. A tiny speck at the core of it grows larger and larger, until Ned's striking, square-jawed mug beams from the screen, larger than life.
:
?Helloooooo Rhydin! It is ME! Ned Talkinghead! Coming to you LIVE from the fabulous Stars End Bar! One of a monthly series of live recordings just for you, RhyDin. I'll be bringing you positively riveting interviews with people you want to know about. And why do you want to know about them? Because I think you should!"
?From seeing his name in lights to being all lit up and back ? I say back ? I say BACK again! Let's give a big NEDstream welcome to the hombre ridin' el caballo blanco himself, Jonathan Granger!?
:
Applause.
:
The spotlights converged. NED spun and what had been a business suit was a tropical shirt and a full head of Jamaican dreds. Caribbean steel drums played in the background. "How ya doin' mon?"
:
Glancing at the Ned in the Box, squinting just a little at the lights, before flashing the patented and dimpled Jon Granger grin. "Good evening, Ned, and hello, Rhydin! Um..." Arching a brow at Ned's quick costume change. "I'm jammin', mon."
:
"Jammin' That's good. That's good." Flashing a white, white smile. "So Jonathan. Can I call you Jon? Jon. There's so much publicity going around, good and bad. And I want to get into that. Allll the gossip-puh! Before we do, though, I have a serious message to share with all of our viewers at home."
The head dropped out of sight, and when he came back up, he was all business again.
"Viewers, this show may contain discussions of drugs and drug use. We here at the ..."
:
"Can I call you Ned? Or would you prefer Mr. Head?" He grinned back, starting to relax.
:
Stops to look at Jon, and then back at the audience. "We here at the Nexus Newstream HQ do not condone, endorse, sponsor or otherwise encourage you to delve ... shall we say delve? Delve into this topic yourselves. Do NOT try this at home."
"The lawyers made me say that," Lowering his voice in a frank aside to Jon before turning upbeat again. "And you can call me, Ned. We're all friends here."
:
"We'll see if we're still friends later." Cooly.
:
Laughs, and grows serious again. ?Tell us, Jon, when you were busy coasting around and chasing the tiger, what was that like? Because you've been very open about your recent rehab stay, announcing it to the press, as you had your agents do.?
:
Mouth open to reply and the closing to await the rest of Ned's question. "What was it like? Let's make one thing clear, Ned. I do not condone drug use in any way shape or form. Addictions are nothing to joke about, whether it be cocaine, nicotine, alcohol, or whatever.?
?An addict will always be an addict. There's no cure. It's a battle one fights every day. It gets easier with time, but you have to remain forever vigilant."
:
Applause.
:
"Forever vigilant!" Shouting it like a battle cry and turning another serious eye to the audience, brow up dramatically.
:
"Maybe we could make that into bumper stickers."
:
Laughing.
:
"Excellent idea! I'll get Sukie on that immediately! But you were in and out of rehab several times, weren't you. Jon?" Sounding sympathetic.
:
"Twice. I had a slight relapse a few weeks ago, but I'm clean now."
:
"You let down your vigilance, eh?" Tilting his head in like a man-to-man confab. "Were you still filming Murder of Crowes, or had that stopped when you jumped back on the pony? Enquiring NEDheads want to know...."
:
"Filming for Crowes is finished. The film premieres on December 17th."
:
"Excellent news. And I think we can all draw our own conclusions from that answer, can't we? But now you're on to something new. Shakespeare, I hear. And you are playing Orrrrrllllllando?"
:
"Not to be confused with Bloom," Smirking. "Yeah, we're doing 'As You Like It' at the Shanachie. It runs until October 13th. If you want to come out and see it, I can probably get you a box seat." Snickering.
:
"Oh! A comedian!" Throwing back his head to bark a laugh. "Tell us, because the whole mega-multi-universe is watching you, right now. What is it like to play an ENTIRE CITY?"
:
Laughing.
:
"An entire city? I'm not quite following you, Ned. You mean RhyDin?"
:
"You're not up on your geography, are you?" Eying Jonathan, and cupping a hand to his mouth to whisper to the audience. "Your brain on drugs."
:
Smattering of laughter.
:
Boisterous again. "Never mind! Sukie is gesturing to me in her primitive assistant sign language that we have only twenty minutes left and I know the audience wants to join us in playing a game. Don't you, audience?" Beaming.
:
Cheering.
:
Winced, just a little. "No darts."
:
Someone shouting. "?want Jon to take his clothes off?!"
:
"Or rotten tomatoes, either."
:
"We need a volunteer from the audience to come up here and play with Jon. Any volunteers? Remember, this is strictly PG here on the NNHQ prime time slot."
:
"Ned, did you see who's in the audience tonight? The famous Lelah Rivka! What do you say we ask her to come up and say hello? Lelah! I saw you volunteer!"
:
Applause and cheering.
:
Beaming rapturously. "Lelah, come on up here and play with Jon! I call this game, Could you Sell Coke to a Fifth-Grader?"
:
"I don't think I want to play that game, Ned."
:
"Ohhh, it's easy, Jon. Come on. You don't want to disappoint the viewers. Lelah, get up here! Sukie! Help her up!"
:
The spotlights and cameras follow Lelah up from the audience and onto the stage. She sits in Jon?s lap.
:
Applause.
:
Smiling sweetly and a little imploringly at Lelah as she gets settled.
:
?Okay, let's play a little game. Do you like games, Jon? I love games. Let's see how well you do with this one, and those of you in the audience, play along!? Smiling broadly to the audience.
"Lelah, I think Jon is going to need your help with this one. Sukie, you keep score. Here's how it works. I am going to list some terms, and you tell me if I?m talking about cocaine or marijuana. Should be easy for an old pro. Every one you get right, we donate part of Sukie's salary to a local school. Ready??
:
Whispering into Jon's ear, disguising the motion with a kiss to his cheek before turning wary eyes on Ned and nodding curtly.
:
Smiling and whispering.
:
"Audience, if they get stumped, feel free to shout out your answers." Leaning in for the first one. "Aunt Nora." A fake clock appears in the background behind Ned, ticking music playing.
:
"Sorry, Ned, I don't know anyone by that name."
:
Glancing at Jon with a raised brow.
:
"Suuuuuuure you don't. But okay. Audience? Anyone want to help him? Remember, this is for the kiddies."
:
"Aunt Nora is cocaine, Ned."
:
Ding! "Lelah! You're right! Next one. This is easy, Jon. Blow."
:
Narrowing his eyes at Ned, starting to lose his cool. "Johnny Depp."
:
Another dramatic look at the camera, in close-up. "Viewers at home: Forever Vigilant!" Turning a smile on Lelah. "Lelah, want to take a stab at it?"
:
"Do you think this is funny, Ned?"
:
"Cocaine." In a neutral voice.
:
Ding! "Thank you, Lelah. That is correct."
:
Applause.
:
"The answers to all your questions are cocaine. I am a recovering cocaine addict. There, I said it. Are you happy now?"
:
Buzzzz! ?That is not correct, Jon, sorry. But since you brought it up, tell us. How are you managing your recovery?" The game show music clicking off.
:
"I'm managing my recovery just fine." Flashing a tense and obviously fake smile. "Forever vigilant."
:
"How? It's important for other viewers to understand how you are making it work. Is your family supportive?"
:
"Lee, you're putting my leg to sleep."
:
Sliding off Jon's lap to stand at his side, leaning casually against the chair, eyes on Ned?s monitor.
:
"Honestly?" Smile fixed firmly in place. "I get by with a little help from my friends."
:
"Vague and inspiring. A perfect Hollywood ending! Unfortunately, my assistant, Sukie, endlessly annoying and very PUNCtual, is telling me we are running out of time."
?Because Jon has been such a good sport, we are donating all of Sukie's paycheck this week to a local school. For those who are wondering, the rest of the terms for the game were as follows: Chalk. The devil's dandruff. El Gallo. Foo-Foo Dust. Ganja. Happy trails. Icing. Jay smoke. Kabak. Line. Manhattan silver. Nose candy. Ozone. Pearl. Quill. Roach. Sleigh ride. Talco. Uptown. Viper. White lady. X-Factor. Yellow submarine. Annnnnd Zip."
:
Cameras coming in for a close-up on Lelah and Jon, then just Jon before cutting back to Ned.
:
Cheesy music blaring brightly. "That's all for this edition of The NEDstream. We'd love to hear what you think - send your fan mail in care of ME, NED Talkinghead at NNHQ. Thank you to our guest this month, Jonathan Granger, film and stage star, and star of our hearts! And to our surprise guest, Lelah Rivka! This is Ned Talkinghead, signing off. Hasta la vista and get down with your bad selves.?
?And remember!" Pausing dramatically. "Forever Vigilant!"
:
Applause.
Calypso music picking up again, credits rolling. Ned's face disappears, the stage lights go dark and the house lights come up.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
((A big THANK YOU to the player of this month's guest, Jonathan Granger, to our SURPRISE guest, Lelah Rivka, and to the players of the audience. It was a blast! For the whole scene and extras that didn't show up 'on-screen', check the logs from 9/25 before they're gone.))
:
?Helloooooo Rhydin! It is ME! Ned Talkinghead! Coming to you LIVE from the fabulous Stars End Bar! One of a monthly series of live recordings just for you, RhyDin. I'll be bringing you positively riveting interviews with people you want to know about. And why do you want to know about them? Because I think you should!"
?From seeing his name in lights to being all lit up and back ? I say back ? I say BACK again! Let's give a big NEDstream welcome to the hombre ridin' el caballo blanco himself, Jonathan Granger!?
:
Applause.
:
The spotlights converged. NED spun and what had been a business suit was a tropical shirt and a full head of Jamaican dreds. Caribbean steel drums played in the background. "How ya doin' mon?"
:
Glancing at the Ned in the Box, squinting just a little at the lights, before flashing the patented and dimpled Jon Granger grin. "Good evening, Ned, and hello, Rhydin! Um..." Arching a brow at Ned's quick costume change. "I'm jammin', mon."
:
"Jammin' That's good. That's good." Flashing a white, white smile. "So Jonathan. Can I call you Jon? Jon. There's so much publicity going around, good and bad. And I want to get into that. Allll the gossip-puh! Before we do, though, I have a serious message to share with all of our viewers at home."
The head dropped out of sight, and when he came back up, he was all business again.
"Viewers, this show may contain discussions of drugs and drug use. We here at the ..."
:
"Can I call you Ned? Or would you prefer Mr. Head?" He grinned back, starting to relax.
:
Stops to look at Jon, and then back at the audience. "We here at the Nexus Newstream HQ do not condone, endorse, sponsor or otherwise encourage you to delve ... shall we say delve? Delve into this topic yourselves. Do NOT try this at home."
"The lawyers made me say that," Lowering his voice in a frank aside to Jon before turning upbeat again. "And you can call me, Ned. We're all friends here."
:
"We'll see if we're still friends later." Cooly.
:
Laughs, and grows serious again. ?Tell us, Jon, when you were busy coasting around and chasing the tiger, what was that like? Because you've been very open about your recent rehab stay, announcing it to the press, as you had your agents do.?
:
Mouth open to reply and the closing to await the rest of Ned's question. "What was it like? Let's make one thing clear, Ned. I do not condone drug use in any way shape or form. Addictions are nothing to joke about, whether it be cocaine, nicotine, alcohol, or whatever.?
?An addict will always be an addict. There's no cure. It's a battle one fights every day. It gets easier with time, but you have to remain forever vigilant."
:
Applause.
:
"Forever vigilant!" Shouting it like a battle cry and turning another serious eye to the audience, brow up dramatically.
:
"Maybe we could make that into bumper stickers."
:
Laughing.
:
"Excellent idea! I'll get Sukie on that immediately! But you were in and out of rehab several times, weren't you. Jon?" Sounding sympathetic.
:
"Twice. I had a slight relapse a few weeks ago, but I'm clean now."
:
"You let down your vigilance, eh?" Tilting his head in like a man-to-man confab. "Were you still filming Murder of Crowes, or had that stopped when you jumped back on the pony? Enquiring NEDheads want to know...."
:
"Filming for Crowes is finished. The film premieres on December 17th."
:
"Excellent news. And I think we can all draw our own conclusions from that answer, can't we? But now you're on to something new. Shakespeare, I hear. And you are playing Orrrrrllllllando?"
:
"Not to be confused with Bloom," Smirking. "Yeah, we're doing 'As You Like It' at the Shanachie. It runs until October 13th. If you want to come out and see it, I can probably get you a box seat." Snickering.
:
"Oh! A comedian!" Throwing back his head to bark a laugh. "Tell us, because the whole mega-multi-universe is watching you, right now. What is it like to play an ENTIRE CITY?"
:
Laughing.
:
"An entire city? I'm not quite following you, Ned. You mean RhyDin?"
:
"You're not up on your geography, are you?" Eying Jonathan, and cupping a hand to his mouth to whisper to the audience. "Your brain on drugs."
:
Smattering of laughter.
:
Boisterous again. "Never mind! Sukie is gesturing to me in her primitive assistant sign language that we have only twenty minutes left and I know the audience wants to join us in playing a game. Don't you, audience?" Beaming.
:
Cheering.
:
Winced, just a little. "No darts."
:
Someone shouting. "?want Jon to take his clothes off?!"
:
"Or rotten tomatoes, either."
:
"We need a volunteer from the audience to come up here and play with Jon. Any volunteers? Remember, this is strictly PG here on the NNHQ prime time slot."
:
"Ned, did you see who's in the audience tonight? The famous Lelah Rivka! What do you say we ask her to come up and say hello? Lelah! I saw you volunteer!"
:
Applause and cheering.
:
Beaming rapturously. "Lelah, come on up here and play with Jon! I call this game, Could you Sell Coke to a Fifth-Grader?"
:
"I don't think I want to play that game, Ned."
:
"Ohhh, it's easy, Jon. Come on. You don't want to disappoint the viewers. Lelah, get up here! Sukie! Help her up!"
:
The spotlights and cameras follow Lelah up from the audience and onto the stage. She sits in Jon?s lap.
:
Applause.
:
Smiling sweetly and a little imploringly at Lelah as she gets settled.
:
?Okay, let's play a little game. Do you like games, Jon? I love games. Let's see how well you do with this one, and those of you in the audience, play along!? Smiling broadly to the audience.
"Lelah, I think Jon is going to need your help with this one. Sukie, you keep score. Here's how it works. I am going to list some terms, and you tell me if I?m talking about cocaine or marijuana. Should be easy for an old pro. Every one you get right, we donate part of Sukie's salary to a local school. Ready??
:
Whispering into Jon's ear, disguising the motion with a kiss to his cheek before turning wary eyes on Ned and nodding curtly.
:
Smiling and whispering.
:
"Audience, if they get stumped, feel free to shout out your answers." Leaning in for the first one. "Aunt Nora." A fake clock appears in the background behind Ned, ticking music playing.
:
"Sorry, Ned, I don't know anyone by that name."
:
Glancing at Jon with a raised brow.
:
"Suuuuuuure you don't. But okay. Audience? Anyone want to help him? Remember, this is for the kiddies."
:
"Aunt Nora is cocaine, Ned."
:
Ding! "Lelah! You're right! Next one. This is easy, Jon. Blow."
:
Narrowing his eyes at Ned, starting to lose his cool. "Johnny Depp."
:
Another dramatic look at the camera, in close-up. "Viewers at home: Forever Vigilant!" Turning a smile on Lelah. "Lelah, want to take a stab at it?"
:
"Do you think this is funny, Ned?"
:
"Cocaine." In a neutral voice.
:
Ding! "Thank you, Lelah. That is correct."
:
Applause.
:
"The answers to all your questions are cocaine. I am a recovering cocaine addict. There, I said it. Are you happy now?"
:
Buzzzz! ?That is not correct, Jon, sorry. But since you brought it up, tell us. How are you managing your recovery?" The game show music clicking off.
:
"I'm managing my recovery just fine." Flashing a tense and obviously fake smile. "Forever vigilant."
:
"How? It's important for other viewers to understand how you are making it work. Is your family supportive?"
:
"Lee, you're putting my leg to sleep."
:
Sliding off Jon's lap to stand at his side, leaning casually against the chair, eyes on Ned?s monitor.
:
"Honestly?" Smile fixed firmly in place. "I get by with a little help from my friends."
:
"Vague and inspiring. A perfect Hollywood ending! Unfortunately, my assistant, Sukie, endlessly annoying and very PUNCtual, is telling me we are running out of time."
?Because Jon has been such a good sport, we are donating all of Sukie's paycheck this week to a local school. For those who are wondering, the rest of the terms for the game were as follows: Chalk. The devil's dandruff. El Gallo. Foo-Foo Dust. Ganja. Happy trails. Icing. Jay smoke. Kabak. Line. Manhattan silver. Nose candy. Ozone. Pearl. Quill. Roach. Sleigh ride. Talco. Uptown. Viper. White lady. X-Factor. Yellow submarine. Annnnnd Zip."
:
Cameras coming in for a close-up on Lelah and Jon, then just Jon before cutting back to Ned.
:
Cheesy music blaring brightly. "That's all for this edition of The NEDstream. We'd love to hear what you think - send your fan mail in care of ME, NED Talkinghead at NNHQ. Thank you to our guest this month, Jonathan Granger, film and stage star, and star of our hearts! And to our surprise guest, Lelah Rivka! This is Ned Talkinghead, signing off. Hasta la vista and get down with your bad selves.?
?And remember!" Pausing dramatically. "Forever Vigilant!"
:
Applause.
Calypso music picking up again, credits rolling. Ned's face disappears, the stage lights go dark and the house lights come up.
-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
((A big THANK YOU to the player of this month's guest, Jonathan Granger, to our SURPRISE guest, Lelah Rivka, and to the players of the audience. It was a blast! For the whole scene and extras that didn't show up 'on-screen', check the logs from 9/25 before they're gone.))