Topic: Random Thoughts...

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-11-06 14:37 EST

To see his little brother in such an upset state only made this hot head's temper boil. How dare anybody treat a Stevens in that fashion! Chris had done nothing to warrant being treated so shabbily. So, as the older brother, he felt it was his place to put right what had been wronged.

He should have known better. First and foremost, he was in uniform. While in uniform he represented the Deli. As his boss, Dean, was so willing to point out. The discussion between boss and employee was stern but there was no yelling. The threat of a three day suspension was enough to get Dirk's attention. "No sir, it won't happen again."

He wasn't told to do it, but he had to set right how he had wronged the image of the Deli. The next time he saw the woman, he would apologize to her on behalf of the Deli. He would not, however, apologize on behalf of his brother or Julian.

He rolled his eyes as he thought of Julian. He would have to have a talk with him. The man was crazy, plain and simple. When Julian was sober, he was an alright guy. But let him get a bit of the firewater into his gullet and watch out. The law had been laid down, no longer would Julian be allowed to be alone in the Red Dragon.

Being an elder Pi was proving to be difficult with this high spirited group of men. He'd have to seek out Russ for advice.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-11-12 09:43 EST

His entire body was jolted with aches. Not a muscle nor a bone or joint that didn't scream out in pain with his every move. He couldn't even hold a pen to write his thoughts down. So he grabs a small tape recorder and flicks it on.

"Gage and I lit into each other yesterday. I think my ribs are broken and I know my nose is. God, everything hurts. Gage can hit pretty fucking hard. And that bitch, Evi. If I had known that he was going to try to rip my face off, I'd never even had looked at her. Shit this hurts! The ladies here are trying to fix me up. They've given me something for pain. I'm sleepy now..." Audible click as the recorder is turned off.

Couple of days later, he picks the recorder out of his pocket and turns it back on. "Still can't really move my hands much. I came back home today and worked it out with Gage. We're cool now. I'll keep away from Evi. Gage has got something major for the girl, tho he won't admit it. Damn her for coming between me and my bro." The tape recorder goes off once again.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-11-16 11:30 EST

Things have been quiet around the Frat house. The prank on Julian had been cool and it took him 4 showers to finally get all of the flour and goo from his hair and eye brows. Yea, funny stuff.

Listening to the radio he comes across a song and it makes him grin. He doesn't know where California or Hollywood are, but hell yea, this one could have been written about Rhydin, that's for sure.

Welcome to the big time. You're bound to be a star
And even if you don't go all the way, I know that you'll go far
This race is for rats, It can turn you upside down
Ain't no one you can count on in this sleazy little town
Oh, no
Lots of promises in the dark
But don't you open your heart

Cause it don't mean nothin'
The words that they say
Don't mean nothin'
These games that people play
No, it don't mean nothin'
No victim, no crime
It don't mean nothin'
Till you sign it on that dotted line

The director smiles as you walk in the door
He says, "I love your work, babe"
But you're just not what we're looking for
It's never what but who it is you know
So easy to get stuck in all that California snow
Take a good look around and you'll find
People tryin' to mess with your mind

Cause it don't mean nothin'
The words that they say
Don't mean nothin'
These games that people play
No, it don't mean nothin'
No victim, no crime
It don't mean nothin'
Till you sign it on that dotted line

Hollywood can be so lonely
Make you the winner of a losing fight
But the party is never over
Cause stars are always shining
Doesn't matter if it's day or night

The producer says, "let me change a line or two"
And a little bit of something can look awfully good to you And you want to scream, but you gotta keep it all inside. When you're trying to make a living,
There ain't no such thing as pride, no
Lot of promises in the dark
But don't you open your heart

Cause it don't mean nothin'
The words that they say
Don't mean nothin'
These games that people play
No, it don't mean nothin'
No victim, no crime
It don't mean nothin'
Till you sign it on that dotted line

It don't mean nothing at all..

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-11-17 15:01 EST

He flips the little tape recorder on and settles back into a wingbacked chair, crossing one foot over his leg. He speaks between gulps of the beer in his hand. Alone in the room, he's utterly relaxed.. maybe..

"The house has been quiet. Too fucking quiet. I want to get out and go and rip something up! The duels were fun but I was matched with a girl. I hated taking it easy on her. I mean, she willingly stepped into the ring, why should I go easy? She knew what she was in for, right? She was hot though. Too bad I had to leave. Bought her a drink and then had to run. What a schmuck! Ah well, work first."

A click on the tape, then he's back, outside. "Gage is in the pool. Going to get him pretty good I think. Got a pitcher of cold water. The pool is nice and warm at 110 degrees. Yea... waiting... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

The pitcher of cold water had been poured onto Gage's head as he came up out of the water. The tape clicked off at the maniacal laughing. Hard to talk and run at the same time!

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-11-20 14:44 EST

The recorder clicks on and he speaks softly. "Gage invited me on a trip to Miami. Man, it was hot, in more ways than one! The girls down there, I don't think they own any clothes besides bikinis. We had a great time. Yea. Thanks Gage, for a real good time."

He smirks as he says the last part. Click of the recorder as it turns off.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-11-27 14:30 EST

He'd destroyed the recorder in a fit of anger so he sits down and begins to write in his journal once again. An offer had been made to replace the recorder, which he gently refused. His pride was something that got in the way more than once.

"I went home for Harvest Feast. Chris went with me. Told my mom and dad that I've found someone to love. Neither really believed me. Do I have that bad of a track record? Anyway, saw my baby sister, Abby. She's doing great and it was good to see her. Mom still blames herself for Abby and Dad won't really acknowledge her. The center that keeps her is very nice and they allowed me to stay the night. Downs or not, she's still my beautiful baby sister. I do miss her.

Anyway, things are great here. I am so in love, it's frightening. Never have I felt so alive and so complete!"

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-11-30 20:50 EST

He'd bought a new recorder, he hated writing. With a click it comes on and he grins.

"so yea, my life's really bizarre. I'm so in love. Never been that way before. It's amazing and frightening. I feel like I'm on cloud nine! Or, I did. A friend has started coming on to me. I don't want to lose... shit here they come... gotta go!"

CLICK

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-05 14:27 EST

He sits at the bar in his house, alone. A song comes on the Boze Wave and he looks over at it.

"You love her
But she loves him
And he loves somebody else
You just can't win
And so it goes
Till the day you die
This thing they call love
It's gonna make you cry
I've had the blues
The reds and the pinks
One thing for sure"

He picks up the remote and clicks it off before it can continue any further. "Yea, right."

A sigh and he lifts his voice recorder and clicks it on.

"Big trouble in little China." He laughs and then continues. "Never thought it possible to love two at the same time. Hell, never thought I'd love just one. They're killing me they're so beautiful. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt them again. I've marked them, bruised and scarred them. Yet they do not give up on me. Even when I've given up on myself. Going to a shrink tomorrow. That should be fun, but they insist. How can a doctor make me not want to use my fists?"

He clicks of the recorder and goes to grab a beer.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-11 09:23 EST

>CLICK<

"Getting ready for a trip to Miami with the bros. Should be a good trip. Yea." A slight pause, a sigh heard. "Had to let them both go. Can't deal with the jealous thing and they were wanting me to choose. How could I? They were both so different. One loved me, unconditionally. The other ravaged me. A choice to be made, I think I made the right one. Three days after I let them go. Only three days but what torture. I found my thoughts returning to the same one. The other, yes I love but they were pulling away anyway. I think they knew that the other and I were getting closer. I don't know. Anyway, I woke up with the most beautiful set of eyes looking at me this morning. And how I love him."

>CLICK<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-12 17:48 EST

>CLICK<

We're in Miami and the bros are having a great time. It's great being able to sprawl out and not have to see each other all the time. The football games and such have been a lot of fun.

Drama drama drama... can't get away from it, even here. Lost one, gained them both back. It's been nuts. Fists, blood, busted ribs and busted lips. Can it go on like this? I don't want to hurt them anymore. Why do they love me?

>CLICK<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-13 20:51 EST

He's sitting in Gage's room, staring out the window and watching the sun come up over the beach. He can barely squeeze the button to turn on the recorder.

>CLICK<

Son of a bitch. I wailed on Gage yesterday. How could I do such a thing? He's my bro, my best friend. How did we get to such a place? It's all so crazy. The jealousy, oh my gods! It's crazy. But... (soft sigh heard) somehow he forgives me. again. He and Cole. Why do they keep doing that? I keep hurting them and they keep coming back for more. I just don't want to hurt them anymore. I have some pills that Gage's shrink.. (short laugh) My shrink gave me. I stopped taking them, they made me numb. But if they'll make it so I don't hurt them, I'll take them. I love them both so much. And now they lay there, sleeping like angels. I'm a lucky son of a bitch, I know this. I really don't deserve either of them. But I'm not fool enough to let them go. Between the three of us, things will be alright, I think. (long pause) Shit, this is still on?

>CLICK<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-15 13:39 EST

>Click<

Ok, so things aren't perfect. Don't think they'll ever be. But it seems things hinge on me. Monkey Man and Mr. G are Joe Cools and I'm a freaking idiot. Yea well, welcome to my life. (long pause, a cigarette lighter being brought to life, then a long exhale) Anyway, went for a drive in the drop top. Was pretty cool. Decided to start keeping my thoughts to myself. Keep the peace. This should be fun.

>CLICK<

Cole Hayes · Date: 2006-12-15 17:30 EST

While Dirk was out, Cole was in his room, doing the random rummaging of his stuff. Cole was just like that. And then he came across this little black object. His eyes lit up and he pushes the button.
A loud CLICK.

"Ooooh what is this?!" He laughs and then rushes out of the room with it. The other brothers sitting at the table in the dining room for lunch.
Various conversations can be heard.

"Look at this!" As he enters the room he pushes the tape recorder in some of the brother's faces.

Jaden's voice can be heard. " Cole what did you find. Wait, is that recording us, Cole turn it off."

Cole laughs. "Nuh uh."
He makes a dash out of the room, brothers laughing and carrying on in the background. He heads on out the door, the sound of the waves and beach.
"Oh lookie there, there is Julian." The recorder begins to have a choppy sound, must be from Cole running. Loud smack can be heard and then Julian cursing in Spanish. Laughter from Cole. He runs back to the house and pushes through a door.

Then a crash. The recorder on the floor. It dies..

Another CLICK..

Awful, awful singing.

And then suddenly a scream.

"Cole put that down!" Came a loud booming voice. "Sorry Gage.." CLICK

Cole Hayes · Date: 2006-12-18 08:00 EST

CLICK

Muffled sounds, and then Cole's voice in a whisper.

"Now listen to this..."

He pushes the recorder next to a sleeping Dirk, soft snore.
A little stifled laugh.

"Okay that was Dirk."

He moves over to the other side of the bed. A mumble from who could only be Gage.

"That was Gage." Cole laughs lightly again.

A smacking sound. "Okay, I just got hit in the head by Dirk.. note to self, don't put a feathers up his nose."

CLICK

Cole Hayes · Date: 2006-12-18 09:12 EST

Of course, Dirk's the first one up. He slips out of the bed and goes to his closet to select his attire for the day. Easy choice, black pants and white dress shirt. He is going back to work, after all. He sighs as he brings the still hangered items into the bathroom. Closing the door so that he won't wake Gage or Cole, he turns on the shower and steps inside.

Well actually Cole was awake, has been awake he just played he was sleeping.. Soon he was sneaking to the bathroom, recorder in hand.. first just the hand with the recorder is in the bathroom door.

He's washing up, soap to the pits, the stomach, chest, usual stuff. A song is in his head and he starts singing. Not the best of singers, but not the worst either. The ever famous bathroom acoustics helping out a lot and when Cole hears "It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you" And some humming.

He tries not to laugh, and quietly sneaks in, crouching close to the ground. "Dirk, singing in the shower." He whispers, and gets even closer to the shower.

He sticks his head under the shower and a garbled "outside the snow is falling and friends are calling Yooo hooo" and he really gets into the yoohoo.

Alright he did a good job of holding in the laughter but that just did it and he busts out laughing.

He nearly jumps out of his skin. "Wha?" and spins around. "Cole? What're you doing?!"

Cole is a laughing heap on the floor, the recorder still on of course. "Yooo hooo!" And laughs again.

He is done washing himself anyway and he turns off the shower and steps out. "Very funny, Monkey Man." He grins and puts his foot into Cole's stomach and wiggles his leg.

He laughs and puts the recorder down. "I couldn't help it."

He spots the recorder with the flashing red light and his eyes grow wide. "You little shit!" And he bends over picking it up. "Was wondering where this went!"

And of course, it is clicked off.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-19 09:51 EST

He finds the recorder in a pile of Cole's things and he picks it up, looking at it. He kept it with him and doesn't use it for a while. There's lots on his mind today and he wants to use it. But not around the guys. So, once he's securely in the office at the Deli, he brings it up from his pocket and pushes the button.

CLICK

"Abstain, to hold oneself back voluntarily, especially from something regarded as improper or unhealthy. That's what the dictionary says. I say it's going to be pure hell. This idea they've baked up. I still can't believe it. I've went along with it, hell, how could I not? Cole's changing. He's not the same sweet, innocent little guy anymore. I miss that about him. He's become argumentative and even hostile at times. He had a good teacher in that, huh? Anyway, we've agreed to abstain from making love until we figure out what's caused Cole to change. It sounds crazy, I know. But I'd do anything to get back what we had. The fighting and lying and the carrying on just has to stop. So, Monkey Man, if you should get this I'll reiterate what I said this morning. You're worth the wait. I love you and Gage. And we'll get through this together. Anyway, back to work."

CLICK

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-21 18:17 EST

He sits in the office at the Deli. It's dark and the rest of the staff has gone home already. Waiting for Chris to show up so they can go home, he picks up his recorder and pushes the button.

CLICK

An entire week without Gage and Cole. Wow, it's hard to fathom even a day without those two. Just waiting on Chris to get here and the Deli's dark. It's kind of spooky. (he laughs softly) Will be good to see Abby and mom and dad. They still don't believe me about Gage, wonder what they're going to think when I tell them about Cole? (another laugh. Then the sound of shuffling feet, a door opening, lighter coming to life and then the sound of him exhaling.) I'm going to miss those two knuckleheads... Chris is here, time to go.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

CLICK

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-22 21:10 EST

A song comes on the radio and Dirk is quick to turn on the recorder in his hand and place it up to the speaker.

CLICK

So much for your promises
They died the day you let me go
Caught up in a web of lies
But it was just too late to know

I thought it was you
Who would stand by my side

And now youve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

You said youd die for me

Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright
I dreamt the impossible
That maybe things could work out right

I thought it was you
Who would do me no wrong

And now youve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

From this empty heart

I thought it was you who youd die for love

And now youve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams
Feel like I could run away, run away
From this empty heart

Oh no no no - you said youd die for me
Oh oh, oh oh, die for me
So much for your promises

(a soft sigh heard in the background)

CLICK

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2006-12-29 08:22 EST

Standing in the kitchen of the new house that Gage had bought, he watches Cole and Gage as they sun themselves by the pool. He has his recorder in hand. After lighting a cigarette and popping open a beer, he clicks it on.

>CLICK<

What a couple of days it's been. I think Russ hates me. He's not been himself lately and it seems what I have, he wants to take away. Maybe it was the demon that had possessed his soul for so long. First he tried to take Gage away from me. But Gage is too strong. Gage could see through it. Then Russ went for Cole. Being the sweet natured person is, Cole fell for it. He just wants to be loved. Cole thrives on it.

A sigh, a sharp intake of air and a slow exhale. A swallow heard as he takes a drink.

So we snatched up Cole and brought him here. I just hope we can get through to him. It was the demon that wanted Cole, not Russ. Maybe the demon knows how powerful Cole can be and wanted to tap into that? I don't know. All I do know is that Russ is worried that we're going to hurt Monkey Man. He shouldn't worry. Cole couldn't be in a safer place.

Ok, enough of this shit. I'm going to take a swim. Later.

>CLICK<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-02 14:47 EST

He stands in the ER besides Cole's bed. It'd been a while since the doctor had come to talk to him. "We have to just wait and see." the doctor explains. "We don't know how long he was in the water." With kind bright blue eyes. He just wanted to hit that doctor. He just wanted to hit. That's all. Anything, anybody. So much pain, so much pent up anger. He just had to get it out.

So he pulls out his recorder. It's the only thing that he can think of to do. He wasn't about to leave Cole's side. And he surely wasn't going to hurt Cole. He'd already done enough of that.

>CLICK<

I've been in the ER with Cole for what seems like an eternity. It's all my fault. I've so fucked up everything and everybody. I just don't know what I'll do if he dies. God, don't let him die!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-07 20:38 EST

Climbing out of the bed, for the upteenth night in a row, he couldn't even remember how long it'd been happening, he sits in the chair near the bed and watches as Cole and Gage sleep. Running his hand through his hair, he just knew he was going to be the first Stevens to ever have a receding hairline.

A softh sigh and he picks up his recorder. He stares at it thoughtfully for almost an hour. Turning it over in his hands, preparing in his mind what he's gonig to say to it. He presses it to his forehead for a little bit, then his chin.

>CLICK<

Yea well another fucked up night. Another fight. Another kiss and make up story. How can this keep happening? Is it truly love? How can it be when we do nothing but scream at each other and threaten to leave everyday?

No no no... it can't be this way. I can't deal with this anymore. And Cole. Good grief, he's getting as good at cutting with his words as Gage and myself. What'd we do to him? And Gage. It's always been like this between us. It's like neither of us is happy unless we're one upping the other or ready to rip each other's heads off.

I'm tired. Very tired. I've not slept for days it seems. Sure I catch a nap here and there. But I'm always wakened by the same dream. Cole's lifeless body on the sand. Those black as death eyes. The ER doctor saying they did everything they could. I wake up ready to scream every time. I just can't sleep.

Gage and I were supposed to go out to eat. Instead I pulled into a parking lot and we made out for a while. Man he kisses like no other. Makes me hornier than hell. Anyway, Miami's finest decided to put their nose into our business. Not sure what I said, but I ended up in the back of an unmarked police cruiser with my hands cuffed. Not a fun situation. For whatever reason the cop let me go. Gage seemed royally pissed off and we came home.

God, what did we fight over tonight? I can't even remember.

I think Cole's awake, he likes to pretend to be asleep if I'm awake. His breathing isn't as deep. Ah well, let him fake it for a while. At least somebody around here can sleep.

I think it's best for everybody if I just left. Hell, the fighting would end, that's for sure. And Cole won't have to worry if I am leaving all the time or not. I'd be gone. He and Gage could be happy and stay wherever. I could always go see Abby. My baby sister.

Cole's not crazy. I keep telling myself this, but Gage made me say it last night. He made me say that Cole tried to kill himself. I still can't believe it. It was an accident. Cole wouldn't hurt anybody, much less himself...

(sounds of a cigarette being lit.)

Fuck this, I'm telling them when they get up. No more lies, no more threats, no more fights. And they'll be just fine without me.

(the sound of him turning in his chair and a short laugh)

Some good news, Cole's up and walking around. Short, baby steps, but he can do it.

(the next part the recorder is pulled away from his face and he's talking with Cole.)

"What baby?"

"Will you always lie to me, will you always be like this?" A short pause "You almost left me again.." The pain is not hidden from his voice.

"That's just it baby. I don't want to leave. Ever. You and Gage, you're my world. I love you." He leans forward and gently kisses the top of Cole's head.

"I love you too, Dirk."

"But maybe you'd be better off if I did..."

"Don't say that."

"All of this fighting is because of me and you don't deserve it. Gage doesn't deserve it. I love you guys and it's killing me that I'm tearing you apart like that."

"I'm so tired of this.. Make up your mind!" He screams

"What is going on?" Gage asks in the distance.
>CLICK<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-08 12:28 EST

Still unable to sleep, he sits up at nights and just talks into the recorder. Some things get erased, other things he keeps. He had been going through and listening to the tape. He laughs at Cole and remembers. It nearly brings tears to his eyes and he gasps at the pain in his nose as the tears prick the back of his throat. No, no crying. No need for that.

>CLICK<

Most of the guys are going back home. Chris and Doug, a few others. They have school still. I'm sorry I didn't get to hang out with my little brother. He's growing up so fast. Before too long he won't want to be anywhere near his older brother. I really should take more time and spend with him.

Anyway, same old dreams, still can't sleep. I hate this shit. I've not shaved in days and I don't think Cole likes the beard. Gage hasn't said anything. It's like they're starting to give me some distance. Maybe I'm just tired and am looking too deep into things. Yea, Gage is right. I'm a freakin' girl. Why not just accept things and move on? Why am I stuck in this rut with this dream and sleepless nights?

A soft sigh heard, cigarette being lit.

Maybe I should see Dr. Shannon for something to help me sleep. Is there a pill you can take that makes it so you can sleep without dreams?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-12 14:56 EST

The room was empty, a few things remained for when they visited again, but for the most part, it was devoid of their personal things. His pack of smokes no longer on the nightstand. Gage's belts not draped over the chair and Cole's sleepy pants not carelessly tossed onto the floor. Everything was packed and in the van below.

He stands in the middle of the room, looking around. So much had happened in the past month or so that they'd been down there. Too much fighting, almost losing Cole, not once, but twice. Even with all of that, a smile curled his lips.

Reflecting back on the night before he smiles. It had been simply amazing. Starting with a game of Marco Polo in the pool with Gage and Cole, it had ended up with a candelit dinner for Gage and Dirk. And Gage being the secret romantic that he is, had made every last detail perfect. Never so much in love had Dirk felt.

>CLICK<

Time to go home. The room's empty, as you can tell by the echo. echo echo.. (a short laugh) I'll miss this place, terribly. Even with all the shit that happened, a lot of good stuff happened too and that's all that's important. Home to Rhydin for the changing of the guard and back to work at the Deli. I wonder if Rosie has started to bring Daniel in? Will be nice to see Chris and Dean and the rest of the bros that went home earlier.

(cigarette being lit, zippo snapping closed)

Wonder who Russ picked for Pres? Or any of the other positions? Will have to check the tome when I get back.

Anyway, time to get. Goodbye, Miami. Until next time.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-14 08:01 EST

He was just in from his morning run. That was something he'd started doing again when they got to Rhy'din. Another thing he'd started, or should say stopped, was smoking. He'd not had a cigarette in almost a week. The run felt really good, and his lungs didn't burn like they had in a long time.

After his usual morning routine of shit, shave and shower, he makes his way into the kitchen. Gage and Cole were still sleeping and he was going to make them breakfast in bed. So as he sets about fixing breakfast, he takes a moment to speak into his little black box with it's flashing one red eye.

>CLICK<

Well, so far so good since we've been back. Jaden's President, Gage is VP and I'm Rush Chair. Means I have to meet with recruits and be the welcoming committee for the Fratlings. Met the first of the few that's been accepted this year. Benjamin Boyd. He seems to be ok with Ben. I think he'll fit right in here. Good kid.

Last night after Gage and Cole fell asleep I felt restless and went for a run. Somehow ended up at the Dragon. Same old crap, different day. Saw Russ' friend, Eddie there. Told her about Russ taking off. She'll still be coming around. Said she wanted to see Jay. I think she's sweet on him. Did the whole blushing thing when she spoke of him. Ah well.

So I'm back to very little sleep again. I'm thinking it's just me. Maybe Dr. Shannon can help. I'm going to make an appointment. Maybe it's because I quit smoking, I don't know...

Breakfast is almost done. I hope the guys like chocolate chip pancakes.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-20 20:57 EST

He was out taking his morning run and decided to snatch up his recorder and take it with him. He had his running tights on, sweat jacket, ear muffs and a pair of gloves. The grounds were white with the ice crystals that the just rising sun hadn't melted yet. His feet crunched through gravel, then the grass. He controlled his breathing and the exhalations were soft plumes that billowed out above his head.

He watches the sun as it comes up and he turns on the recorder.

>CLICK<

Sun's coming up over this stinking town. I hate it here, God do I hate Rhy'din. This place is cursed. Simply put, cursed. It can take the purest of angels and turn them into little devils. I hate it.

The beauty here is unsurpassed. But what lies beneath is nasty and ugly. I so wish that the guys weren't so stuck on this god forsaken place. I hate it here. I simply hate it here.

I can't let them know, though. They seem to love this place. Why, I've not a clue. None of them are originally from here, so why cling to this place like it's their mother's apron strings? I just don't know.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-21 11:25 EST

He woke to a dull, throbbing ache in his loins. Groaning softly he rolls over and frowns. What the hell was that? He lifts the covers and his eyes grow wide with rememberance. "Oh shit, I really did it." he laughs

Grabbing up his recorder, he wanted to tape his words for posterity.

>CLICK<

Holy shit man, this is too much. I can't believe I did this. And sober! Stone cold sober! (he laughs, groaning just a bit) Gage is right, I'm an idiot. But you know, it looks really cool!

Yea, I did it on a dare. Some friend who would dare me, knowing I can't back down from one. He probably knew it was going to hurt like a son of a bitch and laugh about it. Ah well, it looks good, that's all that matters!

(a soft chuckle heard) Wow... (whispered)

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-28 08:23 EST

So a week had flown by and the drama that is Dirk's life continues in the same patterns. He loves, he loses, he loves again and wins. The never ending roller coaster was wearing, but he wouldn't have it any other way. It's the only way he's known for so long.

He has changed, quite a bit. More in control of is temper, he's not as short fused as he was even a week ago. And even though he had been getting praise from his brothers, the change had it's price.

He stared at the little black box for a long while. He lit up a smoke and just stared at it. Rewinding and listening to the past messages for a while. Some made him laugh, others made him frown with the memories they brought. But he didn't erase any of them. Not a one.

Finally at the end of the tape he clicks the record button.

>CLICK<

Hey, it's been about a week since I spoke to you... whoever you are. Things are going well, I suppose. Ended one chapter of my life and a new one begins. Isn't that how it goes? Ah well...

I had a talk with Jaden about my temper and my fists. Seems that it had gotten out of hand. Too many brothers bruised by me. I'm working with Dean and I have to admit, my temper isn't near what it was. But I'm no where close to being as patient and easy going as Dean or any of the others.

Let's see, Gage left and came back. Trip to Cali, my foot. It's all good though. He's back and that's all that matters on that.

Cole... (sigh heard, long silence.) Cole opened my eyes. I won't say how or why, but he did. We're going to start looking for a new place to live. Maybe have a new house built on the Pi compound. I don't want to stop living around the bros. They're my family.

Found a hotspring on the property. Maybe we'll build somewhere near there. Was great taking a skinny dip in the woods during the middle of winter.

Been working out with Ben. He's teaching me the fine art of boxing and learning to take a punch. Man he's fast as lightning with his fists! And can he duck and weave and dodge too. My ribs are a bit sore. I keep leaving my side open when I go for the right cross. And you bet your ass he nails me in the ribs every time.

Ok, enough crap. Time to watch tv with Cole and Gage. There's a game on and it's my turn to get the beer.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-29 00:25 EST

Isn't it funny, how life can turn on a dime and leave you slammed against the car door of it's roller coaster car? Well, maybe not so funny. Tragic, yeah, that's a good word. But maybe too harsh? He sighs and rubs his eyes. The night had been a tough one, long one.

It started out with a trip in the truck. He and Gage had been doing that a lot lately. Just, driving. It'd been days since they took Cole to the "special hospital." That was thier euphanism for the sanitarium. Did they even call them that anymore? He wasn't sure.

He closes his eyes and turns on the recorder.

>CLICK<

Went to see Cole tonight. Gage distracted this nurse and I grabbed the passkey. Down to his room I went. Scared as shit that I'd get caught. More scared of what I'd find. I didn't know if Cole hated us for leaving him alone or not. It didn't matter, I had to see him. Had to let him know it was alright. Let him know that he was loved.

I bought him a rose. Pink, of course. He has two petals with him. I brought the rest with me. It'll be easier for him to hide the petals than the entire rose. Cling to them, Monkey Man. Gage and I will be there soon. And remember, we love you.

Was so fucking hard leaving him in there. Damn. I can still hear him sobbing. But I had to go. I made him promise to play by their rules and do everything they told him to do. I hope that they can help him. He doesn't deserve to be so sad. Maybe going up there was a bad mistake. I just hope that I didn't make him more sad. I guess I should think things through better.

Anyway, Gage was about to kill me. He had the nurse in the linen closet. He didn't want to talk about it in the truck. He just kept wiping his lips off. I'm sure, I owe him big time. But then, I always have. He's the rock I anchor to.

Bedtime. We've been staying in Gage's old room at the main house. I can't bring myself to even go into the guest house. I hated it, but I had the maid service box my stuff up and bring it up here. Not sure who is staying there now. I sure hope they enjoy the fridge full of food and beer.

Oh yea, bedtime. Good night, Monkey Man. I love you, please don't forget. Hang onto that petal, and don't forget.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-01-31 08:12 EST

He woke up at his usual time. But not in his usual bed. The bed was familiar, no doubt about that. But he'd not slept in it since... he couldn't remember when. It was time to get up and run. But damn if he could get his body up. His head hurt, tongue felt fuzzy and he was still seeing flashes of colors from time to time. And the worst part of it all, he was all alone. Last night's lovemaking in the spring was just an hallucination. It had to have been. Everything about yesterday and last night had been a very surrealistic bad and sometimes erotic dream. He looks at the pillow where Cole should have been. He turns over and there's no Gage. He'd never felt so utterly alone in his entire life. And somehow, someway, Emily had been involved. He shakes his head to clear it. Then grabs his cell phone from the nightstand. He dials Ben's number and explains that he feels like shit and won't make the run or workout today. "Sorry man" as he hangs up the phone and attempts sleep once again. All he can manage to do is stare at the ceiling.

He had slept in his clothes, and in his pocket was that recorder. He brought it forth and clicked it on.

>CLICK<

Cole thought he'd treat me like I'm a stranger and somebody who doesn't give a shit. Yesterday I gave him his meds and he tried the pills under the tongue trick. Can't believe I'm no more than a nursemaid to him now.

My head hurts. That's what I get for smoking a bowl with Tigh and Sean. Was good shit though man. Still seeing some weird shit. And man I want a twinkie!

Not exactly sure all what happened last night. I know Emily was here. Lots of tears and fighting. All I know is that I'm still wearing my clothes from yesterday and in my old room in the main house.

(sound of the door flying open) "Tell me he is with you!" (as Gage flies through the door)

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-02-05 14:52 EST

He is taking his morning run with Ben, but he remains unusually quiet this morning. His thoughts racing over the last few days. It actually felt good to get back into the morning routine. He gives Ben a wave as they part in the usual place on the trail. He goes back to the guest house, it's a habit and Ben goes on to wherever he goes.

Once inside, it's eerily quiet and empty. All the furniture is there, but no Cole, no Gage, no anybody. He grabs up a glass of water and walks around, looking into each room.

>CLICK<

Hard to believe that we once lived here. It's so quiet and still. The memories, they flood back. I'm glad we don't live here anymore. I don't think Cole could have handled another day here. So many fights, arguments, disappointments.

Sure we had good times here too, but they can't outweigh the bad. No way.

The plans are drawn up for a new place for us to live. I'm going to surprise Cole with it tomorrow, I think. I hope he loves it. I'd do anything to keep that smile on his, and Gage's faces.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-02-08 20:36 EST

(authors note: I had a hard time deciding where to post this. The random short story or the Random Thoughs. I figured it was something Dirk would say to his recorder before saying it to anybody else. Thanks for reading!)

Sitting in Cole's room at the main house, he has his feet up on an ottoman and relaxing. Cole had fallen asleep a while back and Dirk just sits and watches the snow falling outside. His socked feet crossed at the ankles, long legs clad in sweats. A loose fitting tshirt adorns his chest. And the dragon pendant hung from around his neck. He butts out a cigarette and blows out the last of that smoke.

>CLICK<

Where to start? The beginning, I suppose. Joel and I had agreed that it would be too much for either of us to continue seeing each other. Neither of us was very happy with the decision, but we were sticking by it. He even went back to his ex-girlfriend, Sheila. Things weren't easy, we avoided each other a lot.

Well, Gage could see that something was wrong, and he did what he thought was right. He called up Joel and Sheila and the four of us went to breakfast. During breakfast hardly a word was spoken. Really, what was there to say? Well Gage said that he was going to take Sheila and leave Joel and I to work things out. What he meant to say, and I wish he had said, was talk about how much better off we were without each other. Anyway, those two took off and left us.

It was, awkward, to say the least. We got a hotel room and sat and talked for a long while. Never really hitting the issue Gage wanted us to talk about, but talking, none the less. He did some magical thing to me that he called soul merging or something like that. Anyway, it was pretty intense. I went to take a shower, and I come out and he's on the phone, just sobbing. Why he was crying, I still don't know. But there he was.

So, he takes off, ordered a cab and left. I sat in the room alone, for a long while, just thinking about things. Watched some tv, took a nap. Then Joel came back very upset. You see, Sheila has some magical powers of her own. She was jealous and hurt when Joel told her about the soul merging. Short of it is that she wanted me dead. She said that I'd hurt Joel one time too many and it was time for me to go.

So Joel gives me this pendant, it's two dragons entwined. Pretty awesome looking. Said it was to keep her from messing with my mind. Then we took off. We just drove all night long. Got a cheap hotel to get some rest the next morning. Fat lot of good that did. Sheila found us. Using her elemental magic, she froze me into the room while I was sleeping. Talk about a rude awakening! Then later she sealed me into the truck with ice and busted the exhaust system. The truck started to fill with carbon monoxide and if it weren't for Joel taking her down, I wouldn't be here. I'm not sure how he got rid of her, but he did.

He found another hotel and we stayed the night there. I kept saying how much I missed Gage and Cole, and I did. But things got... heated and Joel and I did end up in the sack more than once. But we decided to head home and deal with Sheila instead of running.

So we came home. Sheila was so glad to see Joel that she said she'd leave me be as long as I didn't go near him again. So, back to square one where he and I had agreed to be in the first place!

Cole and Gage were upset that I slept with Joel. I guess they were right, the evening was supposed to be a rap session, not a... well you know. Cole forgave me, like he always does. But Gage....

Gage was not so forgiving. He ended it between us. Told me to have mine and Cole's stuff out by the time he got back. He tore up my room, busted my windows out, broke up some furniture and somehow managed to knock my pedestal bed off of it's pedestal. He was pretty mad. And then he left. That was three days ago.

I saw Gage today and we had a long talk. He's still my pal, my bro, always will be. And who knows, maybe, someday...

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-02-18 18:07 EST

Lazily lounging in the living room, he flips the channels to the TV. Nothing on, boring, boring, boring. He sighs and flips off the TV and gets up with a stretch. Hands over head, he comes to his tip toes, then back down. A soft sigh and he heads into the kitchen.

Dirk is bored out of his head. Cole was on vacation with his cousin and Gage was at a photo shoot. He grabs up a plate of chicken wings and walks to Gage's room. Once there he sets the plate down and starts munching.

His little black recorder lay on the dresser. Licking his finges, he walks over and picks it up.

>CLICK<

Gods, I've never been so bored in my life! All it does is snow! I'm so tired of it! Grr! And Cole's been gone for two days now. I hope the's having fun and staying warm at that cabin. I really wanted to go with him but there were new bros to meet. Steve looked like a good candidate, Eugene on the other hand. Well let's just say that he's too full of himself to be a bro.

I talked with Cole on the phone for hours the other night. Gods I miss him so much. I wish he'd come home now!

I got some interesting news the other day. Doing a research paper, Chris found out that we have two extra siblings. Wouldn't you know it, Xander and Chloe. Mom says that they were born too close after I was and that they couldn't afford three babies on their income at the time. Xander knows. I think it hurts him a lot. I got to grow up with loving parents and what he should have had too. I yelled at him and feel terrible about it. Next week I am going to take him to meet Mom and Dad. I know it's going to be hard on them all.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-02-20 18:25 EST

He bolts upright out of sleep, a dream waking him. His heart raced and his eyes wide open, searching the darkness of the room. He turns his head, left and right. "Wha? Who?"

Shaking his head, the dream had been so real, so intense. He couldn't believe it. Finally looking down, he sees Cole sleeping peacefully. A huge sigh of relief expands his chest and he blows it out slowly. "Thank Gods." he whispers.

Sliding out of the bed, he walks over to the dresser and pulls on the chain to light the small lamp there. He grabs up his pack of smokes and lighter and makes his way towards the chair. There is his little black box with it's single red blinking eye. He picks it up as well and settles into the chair.

>CLICK<

Holy shit, what a fucking dream! Cole and the new guy, Jessie. They had this thing going and Cole left. Just left. Wanted to be with Jess. Even said Jess was a better fuck. I couldn't believe it. Thank Gods it was just a dream. Cole is sleeping right where I left him.

Kind of funny, it was about Jessie. He's as straight as a school marm's yardstick.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-02-25 17:42 EST

Rated R due to Violence and foul language.

Cole had finally gone to sleep. They had to sedate him to do it, but he was finally asleep. Joel had come over as soon as he had heard. So had Dean and the rest of the bros had filed in and out, seeing to Cole's every need. But now it was just them. He watches Cole and lights up a cigarette. The anger still in his eyes, and his hand shakes with it. The glowing end of the cigarette wobbling in the dark room.

He picks up his recorder and, with his thumb, clicks it on. The anger can be heard in his voice.

>CLICK<

We found an underground fight club. It was pretty cool too. I was kicking ass and getting my ass kicked and it was fucking hilarious. Gage even came and kicked my ass. We had a fucking blast. But some people can't stand to have their asses kicked by who they called a fag. Homophobic sons of bitches!

They grabbed Cole tonight. Took him into a backroom and beat him up pretty badly. When I got there, it was too late. They'd already had him pinned and pommelling him. I shoved the first asshole against the wall, I hope it snapped his fucking neck. The next guy I was able to beat the fuck out of him. I'm sure his own fucking mother wouldn't recognize him.

But the last guy. He puts a fucking knife to Cole's throat. Cole used his power to break the guy down, and when he turned loose of Cole, I turned loose on him. I don't even really remember what fucking happened. All I know is that we got home safe. I couldn't peel Cole off of me, not that I'd want to. He was fucking terrified.

(trying to control the timbre and pitch of his voice at this point, he doesn't want to wake Cole up.)

I'm going back there, and soon. I may have gotten the sons of bitches who attacked my Cole, but there are others. Others that knew and saw him being dragged off. And they're going to pay. All of them.

(silence.)

All of them.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-04 10:49 EST

The glow of his cigarette bobs in the darkness as he sits in the lavish hotel room in New Orleans' French Quarter. It'd been a while and when he ran into Gage in the hotel lobby, it was hard to face him. Gage had been his best friend since he could remember.

He sighs heavily and inhales from the cigarette, causing it to glow a brighter red before it settled back down to the dull cherry. Exhaling slowly, he picks up the recorder and starts talking.

>CLICK<

Saw Gage tonight. He looked good, but then he always does. I don't know what to say about tonight except that it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Walked away. I simply walked. Maybe we shouldn't have taken the friendship as far as we did. We were best friends. And we spoiled it by becoming lovers.

I miss my friend. There was nothing he and I wouldn't do. But, that's all changed now. There's nothing that we will do. I seriously fouled this all up. And worst thing is, I had the audacity to tell Gage it was his fault. What was I thinking?

Gage is strong, he'll move on and get better. I just hope that there will be room for his friend once he does get better.

Cole is my life now. I have to concentrate on that. I made a promise and I'm going to keep it. It's time to let the past stay in the past and get on with our future.

I miss you, Gage.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-05 09:57 EST

Cole had left to have a swim and I had stayed in the room, going over the events of the last few days. I lifted my recorder and started talking into it, rambling mostly.

>CLICK<

Dear God, I don't know what's happening to me. I had a flat on the way into town and pulled over to fix it. Something growled and next thing I know, I'm face first in the asphalt and something is biting the hell out of my shoulder. It still hurts. Then there was a shot gun blast and whatever it was that had wanted me for dinner took off. Some nice old farmer guy finished fixing the flat and I took off.

Met up with Cole at the airport, didn't think much about the bite on my shoulder really. It was sore, but I didn't want to worry Cole with my little misadventure.

I started feeling poorly and went to lay down while Cole was in the pool. He had come in to take care of me, he's a really good guy like that. And then... then... it happened. I'm still not exactly sure all that happened, Cole showed me some of it..

So what am I? What have I become? A wolf? That's what Cole says. That's what I saw. How in the hell am I going to deal with this?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-12 14:28 EST

He paces the room in Milan. Things were absolutely nuts! He couldn't hardly control the excitement in himself. He was alone for the time being, and he couldn't hardly wait to get his feelings on tape. He was going to let her listen to it even.

>CLICK<

Dear Gods, I'm getting married! Ever since she came into my life I've been a man possessed. She totally and completely has me wrapped up tighter than an egg roll. Everything's happening so quickly, it's spinning my head.

She's pregnant. We found out pregnant, with twins! I simply cannot believe it. And she's happy about it. I thought she'd be scared, but she's not.

Beautiful, oh my Gods is she ever beautiful! How did I get so fucking lucky? I must have done something really good in another lifetime to get somebody like her. She simply amazes me. Everytime I look at her, it's like I'm seeing her for the first time.

I quit smoking, can't have that around a pregnant woman, can we? And the babies, no no no, they don't need thier daddy to be smoking. Daddy. I'm going to be a dad!

And she's beautiful, already with a bump. Unreal, completely and totally unreal how fast everything is happening. I keep pinching myself to assure myself that I'm awake. It's all so surreal!

Oh, she's back, gotta go!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-14 10:01 EST

Sitting in the basement of the building they were staying in, here in Milan, he looks around. It's dank, dark and dirty. The cage gleamed dully in the dimly lit room. He runs his hand over it and can feel the tingle of the magic infused bars in his fingertips.

>CLICK<

I changed last night. I can feel when it comes on and then it's like every muscle and bone in my body is on fire. Pain doesn't even begin to describe the change. It's like my insides are twisting and stretching, parts getting smaller, moving, constant movement.

I don't know how they're going to keep this thing confined. It's a hunter. a killer. It wants and needs to feed. I can feel it's lust for blood and flesh in my mouth. It's frightening. They think feeding it steaks is going to be enough. They'll never know how wrong they are.

Can't help but wonder when it's going to turn on them again. So far, it's turned it's eyes elsewhere for food. But with them locking it up, when is it going to turn to them? Regardless of the pain it gives itself, it's need for food is going to be far greater than it's fear of pain. I just hope that doesn't happen.

(the ding of the elevator and he sighs, watching her get out of it.)

Hey babe, I'll be right up.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-19 08:29 EST

While Noelle napped in the bedroom, Dirk takes the time to pick up his little black box and start to talk into it. He is still a bit overwhelmed by a lot of things, most recently the wedding. All the bros had been there, his parents and family, her parents and family and that was about it. Even though it was rushed, it was a small, elegant affair. Gage stood up for him as best man and Liv was the beautiful maid of honor. But nothing compared to Noelle's beauty.

>CLICK<

It's been ten days. I've been married for ten days now and I can say, it's been pretty wild. A lot of shit's already went down and most of it has to do with me being an idiot. But she forgives every time. I don't know how I got so lucky to get this beautiful, amazing, loving woman to marry me. To carry my children.

I don't know exactly why or how, but we found out she was pregnant and I could literally see her belly grow. It was something like out of a sci-fi. In the matter of weeks, she's only two weeks along. But development, she's 26 weeks along. The Wiccan priestess that came to look her over said that it has to do with her bloodline and the powers she has. I don't know. it was so surreal to watch her belly stretch like that. And to make it weirder, it didn't hurt her in the slightest. The priestess had a potion for Noelle to drink to slow down the growth. So now she's developing like any new mommy would. It'll be a couple of months before they're here and I can't wait.

Saw the first ultrasound last night. The pictures were so clear. Their little faces and hands and toes. I thought a cord was my boy's... well you know. Noelle and the tech guy had a good laugh about that.

It's just so amazing how this tiny woman has already carved such a huge place in my heart, my soul and my life. I can't get enough of her. I love the way her hips sway when she walks and how she holds me after we've made love. And the lovemaking, dear Gods! It's phenomenal!

I love her more every day. Her soft skin, her beautiful long auburn hair, her olive green eyes... everything. She's a complete package. She's everything I've ever hoped and dreamed for in a woman and in a wife.

I can't live without her...

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-19 15:14 EST

He held Noelle tightly, after the day they had, she was more than still stressed and was showing signs of a very premature labor. Dirk was scared and trying to keep himself from panicking. As he held her he starts rocking her and singing softly.

>CLICK<

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep
Inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu
lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu-lu

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

>click<

As his voice trails off, she is sound asleep comfortably in his arms. He watches her carefully, sleep won't be his friend tonight.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-20 08:32 EST

He is standing at the bay windows over looking the Mediterranean Sea. The hotel suite was wonderful and so far they were having an excellent time in Greece. His thoughts were a bit jumbled today, thinking about the last few days. He pulls out his little recorder and starts talking

>CLICK<

Ok, so going back to Milan wasn't the smartest idea. I should have known what would happen. Of course, I'm an idiot and things went badly there. So, here we are in Greece, trying again. Just Noelle and I. I'm not sure how many more tries she's going to give me, so I have to do it right this time.

She is an amazing woman. I am so very lucky to have her as my wife. I love her so much. And her temper matches mine. And that's a bit scary. We're both bull headed with matchstick fast tempers. So when there's a fight, it quickly blows way out of proportion.

So, I'm going to make sure that there are no more fights. No matter how hard she tries, she's not going to get my goat. And I'm not even going to attempt to push her buttons. I know just what to say to make her angry, but I'm not going to fight that way anymore. All it leads to is us being hurt. What's the point?

ah well, I've started to make a tape for the babies. I read that listening to recordings of Mom and Dad when they're newborns calms them down and helps them to sleep. Besides, I think it's something that they can grow up with and realize what a goofball their dad can be.

Let's see, what else? Oh yeah! As a wedding gift, Gage bought us a house in the Hamptons. It's absolutely beautiful and I'm thinking of cutting our trip here short to go see it. All I've seen are pictures. The sneak put an envelope in my carry on luggage. I didn't see it until Noelle asked for gum. You know, she never did get that stick of gum.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-03-25 08:11 EST

They had been to the doctor today for a check up. Noelle was perfectly healthy and fine. He heard the twin's heart beats for the first time and each time he thinks of it a very proud smile appears on his handsome face. And the doctor took pictures too! He holds this in his hand as he paces the room.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/OB_1_Normal_Twin_Embryos_3D_sm.jpg

>CLICK<

I'm going to be a dad. It's still sinking in, but today... today we visited the doctor and everything becamse so real. I could hear their hearts beating. They sounded like little drums. And they were so strong! It was simply amazing to hear those hearts beating. Strong and healthy. I couldn't have been happier. But then they wheel in this contraption and squirt goo on my wife's belly and we can see pictures!

I'm staring at my son and daughter's first photos. And I must admit they are the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. I never in a million years thought I'd be a dad. The feelings are sometimes overwhelming. I am scared to death at times. But then I just remember I have an excellent support group to help me through. Noelle, of course, but then there's Gage and all the bros at the frat and then my parents and even Noelle's. I know I'll never be alone. And that is a great feeling.

We went and picked up more very cute maternity clothes for Noelle. I am trying my best to spoil her rotten. She so deserves it.

I love you, Noelle.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-04-04 09:22 EST

>CLICK<

It's been a while since I've talked to you and I'm beginning to think that is a bad thing. I can tell you anything and you won't argue or fight back.

Noelle and I have worked out our differences. More like I was taught a lesson that I should have known all along. Anyway, I thought things were going great until the other day. She was going to have a day to herself, pampered as she deserves to be at the spa.

She was back no more than an hour and a half later. She confesses to kissing a friend. I was hurt, angry, sad... I can't even describe it. It was like my guts were ripped out with a spoon. But then I thought of the lesson that I'd been taught. About how much I hurt her by wanting to be with Gage.

I held her and made love to her and assured her that everything is alright. It would have been hypocritical of me to do anything else. She felt badly, she was sorry for what she did. And I believe her. And I forgive her. I love her.

Anyway, time to go. We're going to go to the spa together today. I've been wanting a massage...

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-04-18 08:44 EST

He sits in the nursery, playing with Taylor and Tyler. On the floor, just watching as they kick, squirm and coo up at their daddy when he tickles and gives them little kisses. He makes baby talk to them and gets them really going with their little baby responses.

>CLICK<

This is Taylor, my princesss. :he holds the recorder to her and there's a little grunt, but silence:

This is Tyler, my main man. :he holds the recorder over his son and there's nothing but silence:

Well, they don't say much yet. But if you could see the looks on their faces, it looks like they want to say something. Or maybe it's just my imagination. I can't believe I'm a dad.

:leaning back against a dresser, he watches them as he speaks:

So much has happened. The lycans came and got me for murdering three of our own in that little housefire. Ended up on some island. It's all a blur really. There was a girl there that they sentenced to death because she took up for me with her father. I still don't understand it all, but I'm glad I wasn't alone there.

She is a beautiful girl. Smart, strong and can handle her own. And she speaks French. :small laugh: Noelle thinks I had sex with her. Anyway, first things first.

So, after being there for three days and having to defend ourselves against one of the lycan henchmen after another, we were rescued by Gage, Paul and Noelle. It was so good to see them, especially my Noelle. I had missed her so much. She's my angel and I was slowly going insane without her.

We went to Japan to hide out for a while. Seems Gage has real estate everywhere. Anyway, they trailed us there and her father was so angry that he ordered us both killed on sight. I still don't know how I got away from there, except that I had to get away.

We had sent Noelle home. It was too dangerous for her to be around. She didn't put up much of a fight, and I knew something was wrong. I should have questioned it then. So when I spoke to her on the phone, she said she was thinking about having divorce papers drawn up. I couldn't sit half way across the world from her and let her go through this alone. I had to get home. I had to work things out with her.

So here I am. And we've worked things out. I'm so happy. I love her like I've never loved a person before. She calms me when I'm upset, she makes me laugh when I want to cry. She is my world and I don't know what I'd do without her.

:there's a soft wail as Taylor decides it's time to eat:

Well it's feeding and changing and bathing time. Talk to you later.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-04-25 06:49 EST

>CLICK<

Life is good. I've settled down into a pattern of domestic bliss. Hard to believe, but it's true. After all of the crap that I've done, I've found that my searching has come to an end. I use to believe there was something more, something better, something more fulfilling.

Waking up with Noelle in my arms, taking care of Taylor and Tyler, how much more fulfilled can a man be? They are my life and I've never been happier.

I just got off of the phone with Chris. He's doing well. So are the parents and Abby. Seems that Chloe and Xan are doing fine as well. It's a pleasant feeling that everybody in your family is doing alright in the world.

From what I hear a lot of the alumni have come home. I wish I could see them. There were a lot of good times that we shared. Maybe I'll ask Noelle if we could go show off the twins. It may be fun, who knows? We'll see.

Another tidbit of news is that Gage has returned to the Pi house. With our history, maybe it's best if I stay away. He's getting on with his life, and I'm truly happy for him. Maybe someday we can get back to being friends like before. But for now, I'm leaving that alone.

Anyway, the twins are awake and I'm on diaper duty!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-04-27 23:15 EST

He sits staring out at the dark sky thinking things over. The divorce would be final soon and he felt a pang of regret. He has his ring still on his finger and looking down at it, he slowly takes it off. A soft sigh as he puts it into his pocket and then looks back at the sky. Taking his recorder out, he presses the button.

>CLICK<

We filed for divorce. Irreconcible differences. And that's about right. The only time we didn't fight was when we were in bed. And that was few and far between towards the end. She's the mother of my children and I'll always love her. But there's a time to let go and it's that time. Everything was worked out before we even sought out legal counsel. I get Taylor and Tyler on weekends, some weekdays and we split the holidays. She's staying in the house in the Hamptons. I was going to get a small apartment nearby just so I could keep up with the kids. Anyway, she and I are friendly now. It's kind of a relief. I hate hurting anybody and that's all we were doing.

Anyway, I came to the Pi house to start my apologies. That's one of the first steps of AA, isn't it? Admit to those that you have wronged that you realize what you did was wrong. Something like that. Not that I'm in AA, but still. I had to wipe the palette clean.

So I saw Gage in the living room, watching some movie with Del and Doug. He ran from me. I can't say as I blame him. I fnally caught him and we talked for a little bit. Shit, that's a lie. We talked for all of a minute or so before we were kissing and hugging. And well, now I'm in Gage's room watching him sleep.

It's like I've come full circle. Only this time, I've got a little more common sense. Gage is who I should have been with all this time. I was always out there searching for something more. I was an idiot to not realize that Gage was that something more. I love him, always have. And the love he gives is so.. undeniably never ending. He's put up with so much shit from me. Yet he takes me back.

I won't put him through that again. He's the one, the only one, who understands me and loves me anyway.

Ok, enough of this shit. Dr. Shannon will be tickled to know that I've been doing this.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-04 09:45 EST

It's early morning and Dirk sits by the indoor pool alone. Most of the bros were either asleep or getting ready for work or school. He stares down at the placid water, the sun shining through the glass overhead and shining on the water. Leaning over, he picks up a piece of a water balloon and fingers it carefully. He looks it over thoughtfully with a rueful smile.

Laying back on the lounge, he sighs softly and closes his eyes. Finally at peace, not only with the people who had been a major part of his life, but with himself as well.

Bringing the recorder to his lips, he clicks it on and whispers.

>CLICK<

After all of the crap that's gone on, I've finally discovered the what and why as to the way I failed in one relationship after another. I did love, contrary to popular belief. But nothing ever felt completely right. There was something always tugging at the back of my mind. And it's about time I admitted it, not only to myself, but to everybody else too.

I told Noelle, and she said she knew. I guess everybody else could see it but me. Of course, I knew it too, even back then. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. With the stigma that goes with it, who would really want to? But I have to admit what and who I am. Until I came to terms with it, I would never have a relationship that would last.

Ok, I'll admit it now. I'm gay. Not bi-sexual, not heterosexual, but gay. There, I've said it. And the more I say it, the easier it gets. I left a path of hurt and broken hearts because I was too coward enough to admit it before. Noelle forgives me, and that was such a relief. I just hope that when Taylor and Tyler are old enough, they'll understand.

Being with Gage once again has made me realize something. He's the one, all along, he's been the one. I love him and I have a lot of things to atone for. Especially with him.

Anyway, time to get the twins.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-06 19:39 EST

Sitting in the guest house on the living room floor with Tyler and Taylor in front of him, his hands are on their bellies tickling them softly. He loved that they were old enough to start laughing and making more noises. They were also awake a lot more now too. He talks to them in a high pitched sing song voice with a smile on his face.

Leaving them to lay on the floor, he gets up and walks over to the sofa and sits down on it. He has his recorder in his pocket and it's quickly retrieved.

>CLICK<

Things have settled down a lot and couldn't be better. Gage and I have never been closer and I am sure it's going to work this time. I don't have the urge to go out and let myself do the things I used to do. And that's a blessing.

Noelle's living in a guest house on the compound so I can see the kids every day. Taylor and Tyler are growing up so fast! What fit them just two weeks ago is now tight. They are simply amazing to me. Taylor's hair is starting to turn dark. I think she's going to be the spitting image of her mother. Guess I better go buy me a shot gun and rocking chair now before it's too late.

:a soft laugh at that:

And Tyler's my man. He's me all over again! I just hope and pray that he doesn't grow up to make the same mistakes I did. So far they both seem to have Noelle's easy going temperament. I hope it stays that way.

So Noelle married Doug. I sure hope he knows what he's getting himself into. Noelle's a nice girl, beautiful, smart and funny, but marriage was a very big step. And they did it so fast. Sure, you can see the love in their eyes when they look at each other. You'd have to be blind not to see it. I'm just worried about both of them being hurt once the tingles of first love wear off. I hope and pray for them that it doesn't.

Ok, the kids are asleep. Time for Dad to take a nap. Gods, am I getting old or what?

:with another laugh...:

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-10 14:51 EST

It was late in the afternoon and Gage was still off at a photo shoot. Dirk was sitting on the bed in the room, watching television and thinking of the day he had. A smile curls his lips at the memory. Lifting the remote he flips off the television. He then picks up his recorder and...

>CLICK<

I had the Taylor and Tyler all day today, and it was great! We walked in the park and was stopped so many times by little old ladies. And how Taylor and Tyler laughed and kicked each time their little cheeks were pinched or their hair was played with. They really enjoyed themselves, I think. Attention mongers, hmmm where'd they get that from?

After the park I took them to the deli for lunch. Of course I got to eat mine with both hands free. The deli is full of people just wanting to hold and play with them. Rosie was there with Daniel and insisted that she got to feed and diaper them both. Daniel's so much bigger than the twins! Oh my Gods! That boy has grown! And looks just like his dad too. Scary thought that. :soft laugh:

And then we came home for nap time. I read to them for a bit and they went out like a light. Then dad took a nap of his own.

Anyway, that's how the day went. We visited at the pool and with the bros. Julian threatened to toss them into the pool, said that babies are natural born swimmers and they'd be fine. Yeah, the idiot touches my babies and he'll be laughing out of the other side of his face. But other than that, a very good day.

Now, for Gage to come home...

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-13 12:13 EST

It was late afternoon before Dirk finally roused from his sleep. Rolling to the side, he grabs Gage's pillow and hugs it tightly to his chest. Inhaling Gage's scent deeply, he smiles and closes his eyes. Just a few more moments of rest and he'll get up.

And he does, eventually. Sliding out of the bed with a stretch he goes to the bathroom for the morning ritual. In the shower he scrubs the dried blood from his body and face. The hot water cascades down his back as he lowers his head and leans forward to let it hit his neck.

After the shower, he dresses in a pair of sleepy pants and t-shirt. He didn't plan on going anywhere today. Picking up his cell he called his mother to wish her a happy Mother's Day. Talking with her a little bit, catching her up, and then talking to his baby sister, Abby. Once he was off of the phone, he picks up his recorder.

>CLICK<

It had been so long since I had let the wolf feed. I could feel his hunger and he was starting to take over. So last night, I went out into the woods and let him have at it. Gods how things change when I become the wolf.

The dark night became clear as noontime during the day, I could smell every rabbit, raccoon, skunk and snake in the place. Everything was so clear and the colors seemed so bright. And the hunger! Talk about almost insatiable. Damn!

It started with a rabbit. Chasing it through the underbrush and the bush was fun. And it went with a loud screech when it's neck was snapped in my jaws. The blood flowed down my jowls and it tasted like copper. The flesh was hot and I took no time at all to devour it. All that remains is the fur. That was the nasty part. Fur in my mouth!

I nabbed a raccoon next. It was just as awesome as the rabbit. But then I turned my eyes and saw a ten point buck. I had to go for it! The chase was slow and deliberate at first, but then it was on! Silently racing through the woods, then into a clearing with the moon shining down on the field. I finally got close enough and leapt at it, brining the buck down by his neck. I feasted on it's flesh and bones. What a marvelous meal.

I sat back and leaned my head back and howled my thanks for the bountiful meal that the Goddess had provided and to pray for the souls of those that I had killed.

Anyway, that was my night last night. I got in around 5 this morning and just hit the sack pretty much. I was exhausted. Of course Gage and I had a bit of fun before we both fell asleep. Can't do without that either.

Anyway, it's Mother's Day. Better go make sure Chris called mom. Xan and Chloe too.

Later!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-19 07:24 EST

Sitting straight up in bed, woken from a dream. It wasn't really a dream, he reminds himself, more of a memory. Knowing full well that there would be no more sleep to be gotten that night, he slides out of the bed. Tugging on a pair of sleepy pants, he grabs his recorder and quietly leaves the room, so not to wake Gage. Finding a quiet corner of the kitchen, he opens up a bottle of Coke and settles down onto a barstool.

His fingers go to his lips, still feeling the kiss left there. The conversation came flooding back to his mind and he sits pondering it. It had happened when he was coming home, before he had seen Gage or even got to the Pi compound. When the divorce papers had been drawn up.

Flashback:

He slams the bottle down on the table and gray eyes open quickly as he grabs Dirk's hand and holds it tightly. "There is no one else! Just you! I love and have always loved only you, there is no other and there will never be.. Can't you see that, dont' you feel it?"

His eyes widen as that beer bottle gets slammed onto the table and then his hand is taken. The anger and pure, unadulterated love that flowed from just that one touch scared the hell out of Dirk. He simply stares, his mouth agape, and slowly sinks back into the booth.

He takes a deep breath, his eyes even misting. "But you won't.. you won't see that and you will go back to him and you are going to think that's it.." He closes his eyes and slides his hand over his face.

End flashback.

It had happened when he was coming home, before he had seen Gage or even got to the Pi compound. When the divorce papers had been drawn up.

Flash:

"You will go back to Gage, you keep wondering why it's so off and on again between you two. Don't you think it is because you are not soulmates?" "Don't you understand that I was created for this purpose.. to be with you."

"You were created to be cheated on? To be lied to? To be a doormat? That's how I treat my lovers, my friends, everybody. Do you really want that?"

"It was only because you and I were not together!" He pounds his fist on the table and looks into his eyes. "I was created for you.. I am for you. I love you, I was born to say that, I was born to hold you, and to take care of you."

End flash.

Rubbing his lips once more, he lifts his recorder and turns it on.

>CLICK<

Just what are soulmates? Is Gage mine? Am I his? Or is it like Joel said before I came back, that Joel and I are soulmates? Hell I don't know why this is bothering me. I'm happy with Gage. And things haven't been better.

So why does it...

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-20 09:13 EST

Well Dirk got his answer, not even a full two days after the dream had woken him up. The two days had been filled of thoughtful circumspect. And he was getting no answers from himself. It was gnawing at him, was Gage his soulmate? He finally decides to talk to Gage about it. The memory of that talk played back in his mind, over and over. And he kept rewinding and replaying it.

"I've known all along... I'm straight." "I'm straight." "I'm straight." Dirk could hear Gage's words echoing through his head. "I'm straight." "As much as I love you... I'm straight." It was still a shock to him. They'd made love not three days before the talk. He couldn't help but wonder, if Gage was straight this entire time, was it truly lovemaking? Or was Dirk just a side amusement? It tore at him to even think about it.

And, of course Dirk had to tell Joel that Joel had been right. Joel had seen that Gage and Dirk were not going to last. Perhaps not for the reasons he'd said, but then, maybe it was for the reasons he had said. One thing had led to another and Dirk found himself in bed with Joel. And that's where he woke up this morning.

The moment his eyes opened and he realized where he was, he quickly got out of the bed and pulled his shorts on. Giving the sleeping Joel a look full of regret and remorse, he turns and walks from the room. Down to get his bag that he'd packed the night before. It was in his old room and luckily Ollie was still asleep as well. He quickly and quietly got dressed and took the bag with him.

So now he sits in the truck, just driving. Radio blaring some unknown song, his mind wasn't on it anyway. Flipping the radio off, he picks up his recorder.

>CLICK<

Not much to say except that Joel was right, Gage told me last night that it was over, that he was straight. Somehow, I knew that though. He and I are best friends. I knew by the way he stayed away for so long that though he says he loved me, he didn't want to be with me in that capacity. Hell, he even asked if we were still best friends. What do I say to that? Of course he's still my best friend.

And Joel, I didn't want to be alone last night. He accomodated me and well, I think he knows that last night... it may have felt right, but it was too soon. I shouldn't have let it happen. I took advantage of the way he feels for me. What a selfish pig....

I ain't got nothing left to say.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-20 09:22 EST

A while later, he picks up that recorder again. His voice is slightly slurred with whatever he had smoked and drank in the past few hours.

>CLICK<

Ok, so I have more to say. What a fucking idiot I am. Chasing after a man that I knew was straight! I knew it! I listened to myself say that he was the one. Always had been the one. The one what? What pipe dreams had I been chasing?

God, I'm such an idiot.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-24 07:45 EST

Dirk had become a bit of a recluse. Moving back into the guest house, that's where he stayed pretty much. He went to see Taylor and Tyler, but other than that, he kept to himself. Brooding over the break up with Gage and the way he had used Joel was taking up most of his time.

There were hushed whispers all over the Frat about how Dirk had been broken. That the trademark Dirk Stevens smile hadn't been seen in days. A few of the guys had even tried to get him to go out and have a beer at the Dragon. To that, he politely denied. He just wanted to be alone.

So when he got the phone call from Dean that Russell's brother in law was in town and needed to be shown around town, he reluctantly agreed. He was told that Tristan needed to find a place to live. He can't turn down a request from an elder. So for the first time in a couple of weeks, he got dressed in his typical silk shirt, wife beater and jeans. He drove to the little bakery that Dean said Tristan would be at and met up with him.

The second Dirk laid eyes on Tristan, he notices that his eyes are the same color as Gage's. Ordering himself an iced coffee, they take off to see the town. The Pureblood had a presence that couldn't be denied and soon Dirk found himself talking about the break up and everything that had happened in the last few weeks. Why he was opening up to this stranger, he had no idea. But it felt right to do so.

Tristan had found the house he was looking for, a manor deep in the woods not far from the Pi compound. While looking through the house, they had shared a kiss that took Dirk's breath away. Not a word was said for a long time after that.

He took Tristan back to Dean's place, just dropping him off. Then Dirk makes haste back to his own place. He needed to think. Lifting his recorder, he speaks into it quietly.

>CLICK<

So I met a new guy tonight. We kissed and it felt right. I'm not sure how I feel right now. Part of me thinks I'm moving too fast. But then another part of me says it's time I let the past go. I wish I knew what to do.

I miss Gage. God do I. But there's no chance of us ever being more than friends. Tristan is handsome and smart and funny. He's easy to talk to. I found myself opening up within a few minutes of benig near him.

I just don't know. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. I do know this though. There was a strong attatraction to Tristan. We even kissed. But was it physical, or will there be something more? Am I ready for there to be something more?

I guess we'll see...

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-05-30 09:58 EST

..

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-02 09:11 EST

Sitting in the living room of the guest house, he holds the recorder and thinks about what he's going to say. It really had been pretty uneventful in his life lately. And for Mr. Drama, that's saying something.

>CLICK<

It's been about a month since I met Tristan. I see him everyday now. The manor is coming along nicely, the demonlition part is nearly complete. It was dirty work, but it had to be done to get the job of restoring the old place to its former self.

Tristan is amazing. I learn something new from him everyday. We both said that we loved each other, so it's going well. Right now he's teaching me patience. Or maybe I'm just learning that one on my own. We've yet to have sex. It's so hard for me to believe that I've been without it for an entire month! I used to get it when I wanted pretty much. But now it's ''we need to wait until the right time.' How will we know that? Hell a good stiff breeze anymore and I'm up and ready.

Ah well, time to go see my babies.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-03 07:41 EST

In his sleep, his face scrunched up as if he were irritated, and moments later, hazels open slowly. "Oh man.." he groans and wipes his face with his hand. His tongue felt like a squirrel had tap danced on it and shed all it's fur. Rubbing his bleary, bloodshot eyes he attempts to sit up. But the dull throb in his head had him laying back down again very quickly. "Ugh!" he moans out.

He lay there for several long moments before attempting to get back up again. Once he was on his feet, he made his way to the bathroom. Eyes half lidded and still sleepy. A groan as he relieves himself, it was the first thing that felt good since he woke up. After flushing, he goes back into the bedroom, staggering as his eyes keep wanting to close. Collapsing back into the bed, he pulls Cole close and smiles.

His eyes fly open wide. Cole. He was in Cole's bed. Cole's room. A grin settles onto his face as he drifts back off to sleep.

Hours later, he is sitting alone in Cole's room. Cole had went for a swim. Dirk lifts his recorder to his mouth and presses the button.

>CLICK<

Oh man, what a night last night was. Me, Cole and Mike went to the Dragon. It started out with the typical meat market atmosphere when Erin asked the guys if they'd like to strip for Jewell's bachelorette party. As Mike said, that would cause Jay Jay to have a cow. A whole herd of them.

As the evening progressed, we were all getting a bit in our cups, as they say. Cole was done after a Badsider and a half, but he continued on. After my fourth, I don't remember much at all. I do know there was some kissing going on between me and Cole. I think it was mostly me and Cole trying to play cute and shy and pushing me off.

I do know that Mike's hurting in a big way. The man needs to just cry and let it all out. It's eating him alive and eventually it's going to come out. He can do it the easy way and control it, or he can let it fester and when it does come out, it'll control him. He cried, just a bit, and I held him. Hopefully I can help him more.

Which brings me to this morning. I woke up in Cole's bed, laying in Cole's arms. I had forgotten how much I loved doing that. The feel of his warm body pressed against mine in sleep. The smell of his hair, the feel of his skin under my fingers. It was... amazing.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-03 12:04 EST

It's a bit later in the day and he found himself thinking a lot about the night before. Sitting in Cole's room, still, he picks up his recorder.

>CLICK<

I know I keep going on about it, but last night was amazing. We were only going to hang out, have a few drinks and just chill. I never thought in a million years it would lead to where it did. I am still a bit in shock, amazed even. And Cole, when he woke up, seemed like he was happy about the entire thing.

After all of the crap I put him through, the cheating, lying, even the physical abuse, he still loves me. And it's not like the beaten a dog so much that he's forced to show affection kind of love. It's free and flowing and given without hesitation. He truly blows me away.

Like I said, I never thought I'd be where I am now. How lucky am I to get this second chance? And it seems a bit funny to me. No matter how hard I tried, with Tristan and with the others, it always came back to Cole. He's always been there, waiting. And it's high time that I let him know just how much he means to me.

I think I'm going to go out for a while There's things I need to get done and it's my day with the twins. Kind of funny that their dad is dating their uncle. Ah well, life can be strange at times.

I'm out, catch you later!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-04 08:05 EST

Sitting in the guesthouse alone, Dirk had come there to think. He had nabbed up his recorder, just in case, from the house and then came here.

>CLICK<

Last night I helped out Mike by getting into the boxing ring with him. I had set out to help him get rid of some of his demons. I didn't even throw a punch at first, just sat there and taunted him until he lost it and just started wailing on me. He was like a man possessed. As he tired out, I grabbed him up in a hug and wouldn't let go. Finally the tears came and he took out his frustrations on the turnbuckle. The poor guy blames himself for his ex cheating on him. I hope someday that he'll understand that he wasn't the one cheating, he wasn't the one lying so there's no way what happened could be his fault. Last night was a step in that direction.

Even with the sparring gloves on, he busted up his hand pretty good. Cole was there just in time to heal it up and make it good as new. Then Cole saw to my busted up face. I could tell that Mike was feeling guilty about wailing on me, so I didn't tell Cole about the broken rib. I fgured that he could heal that later, when we were alone. I didn't want Mike to feel any more guilty.

We talked for a while after that and the conversation got turned to whether or not Mike liked guys. He said he hadn't even given it a thought. Of course, we started teasing him about it. Well I was teasing, not so sure about Cole. Then Mike says that if it were Cole or I, then he just might give it a thought. Next thing I know, Cole's up in Mike's face, kissing him.

I don't know what to think about all of this. I mean, with the teasing, I know I encouraged it. But when I saw Cole's hands in Mike's hair and the kiss they shared, my heart sank. It was just a freakin' kiss! Why am I letting myself get so worked up over something that was nothing?

Anyway, they saw the bruise on my side and Cole asked if he could heal it. But I just needed to get out, needed to get some air. I told him I'd be alright and headed for the showers. After a long, hot shower, then a long soak in the hot tub, I came to the guesthouse. I needed time to sort through what was going through my head.

I had cheated on Cole before, I know. I know that it was an innocent kiss that meant nothing. So why am I feeling this way? I just don't know. Maybe if Mike had pulled back or pushed away or whatever, but he didn't. Sure Cole asked him to kiss him, but did Mike have to lean forward and actually do it? Did Cole have to put his hands in Mike's hair and lay a good sound one on Mike?

We had agreed, in that diner, no more fights, no more jealousy. I know that I love Cole very much. I guess I'll have to go talk to him.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-06 21:13 EST

Rubbing his hand over his face, he sits in the bedroom he and Cole share. Looking over at Cole, watching him sleep, Dirk chuckles quietly. What a night the night before had been! Picking up the recorder, he clicks it on.

>CLICK<

Last night was pure crazy. Cole and I went to the Dragon to just hang out and have a few drinks. Well, it was one of the bar tenders' bachelorette party. The rule of the night is that if a guy were to get a drink, he had to take off his shirt. So, Cole and I were topless all night. They stole our shirts!

Cole was a damn fish last night. I barely got one Badsider down and he was working on his third. I've never seen him drink like that before. I got caught up by the nexus, the stupid thing! So when I got back, they called me and Cole up onto the bar to dance. And did we. Though I think Cole got a bit upset that I danced with Jade too. Hell we were all dancing up there. I danced with Cole first! Ah well.

So when Cole got off of the bar, so did I. He seemed pretty upset and he pushed me off of my barstool. Called me a "blah." After that, I tried to get him to talk, but it was no use. So I told him I was leaving. He just sat there at the bar. So I picked him up over my shoulder and started walking out. I stopped and put him down and kissed him before going. Right there in the middle of all that craziness that was going on! And he didn't push away or anything. In fact, he kept it going. It was great!

So we get out to the truck and the making out doesn't stop. I mean we were all over each other. I had him pressed against the truck, and then he pushed me away with a laugh. And that laugh... it had a growl to it that even thinking about it gets me horny. And that's when I did it. I still can't believe I did it. I went down on Cole, right there in the parking lot. Not inside the truck, or under the cover of anything. Right there, out in the open. Oh man, it was scary and fun and exciting! Cole seemed to like it a lot too. A whole lot...

Anyway after that we came home and must have made love for a good three or four hours before we both passed out. Talk about stamina!

Oh he's waking up, time to go!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-10 08:06 EST

Back in the room they share once more, Dirk doesn't waste any time once he's alone. Picking up that recorder, he turns it on.

>CLICK<

Dear God, it's been such a screwed up last couple of days. It seems like signals got crossed. Mike didn't want Cole at all. It was me. He wanted to be close, he says. That he wanted affection, like what Cole and I have. Well there's a reason Cole and I have this affection. It's called we're in love.

So I told Cole about the conversation that Mike and I had in the living room. How Mike had said the things he did. And Cole hit the roof. I wish I hadn't told him. He was so upset. I should have just ignored Mike from here on out and not said a word. I hate it when Cole's upset like that.

But I can't keep anything from him either. That was a promise that I made when we got back together. No more lies, no more keeping things from each other, no more fooling around with others. And I've been sticking to those promises. And, up until now, life's been great.

So Mike has the nerve to come up to Cole's room to apologize. And just the way he put things. It made me so damn mad! I tried to help him out. I mean he's a bro, he's a friend and he was down in the dumps. I guess when I told him that I can't see him, that I couldn't hurt Cole and that I only saw him as a friend, he decided to turn things on me, I don't know. He made it sound like I had made a play for him, not the other way around. That everythnig I had done for him, that it was leading him on to believe that I wanted the same things he did!

Cole let him know, in no uncertain terms, that Mike had hurt his feelings by having feelings for me. I was pissed that he tried to make it sound like I was leading him on. So I told him to stay away from me and Cole. Told him that he'd be singing out of the other side of his head if he kept it up. So, he punches a wall, breaks his hand again, and leaves on his bike. I was so mad that I didn't even care.

But Cole, he was saddened by the entire events. And he wanted answers. So we went to look for Mike. We found him near Tristan's place early the next morning. Before anybody could say anything, there was Tristan, looking as fine as I had ever seen him. Doing what he does best, he sweet talked Mike into coming to the manor by offering to heal up his hand and feed us. Three hungry guys, you bet Tristan had a few guests that morning!

So, while Tristan fixes up Mike's hand, Cole and I sat quietly watching. Well, we did more than watch, more like snuggled. And the little guy fell asleep. Or, I thought he had. Mike and I talked for a few minutes, Mike admitting to me that he was attracted to me. Said that because I am Dirk Stevens, he is attracted to me. Yeah, ok. Whatever. He says that he can't get use to being single. I suggested he get a Golden Retriever if a Mr. or Mrs. Right now wouldn't do. He said his bike is good for companionship. How does a bike give you attention and affection? I just don't get it.

Anyway, I told him that until things cool off and he stops having these feelings for me that I couldn't hang out with him anymore. I took Cole to lay down after that. Seems that Cole wasn't asleep, at all. He got up out of fthe bed and screamed at me to not follow him. So, I didn't. I heard some yelling, but then it got quiet. I fell asleep on the bed and don't know what happened after that. I do know that Cole is calmed down considerably. And I saw Mike, from a distance, in the gardens at Tristan's as we were leaving, so Mike's not dead.

I do know one thing for certain. I love Cole. And to me, that's all that matters anymore.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-12 07:27 EST

Staring out of a window in the bedroom, Dirk has his recorder in his hand. His thoughts were racing, as usual and he sheds more than a few silent tears.

>CLICK<

Went to a party the other night Regretful Descension came back home and we were welcoming Dean and Jam and the others back home. The party was over at Dean's place. It was a great party and Dean shooed us out at about three in the morning or so.

I still can't believe what happened the next morning. Jaden came to the room to tell us that our friend, our boss, Rosie, had passed away in her sleep. She was too young! They say it was cancer that got her. She was just too young!

Dean and Daniel have moved back into the frat house. I can't imagine what he's going through, I won't even try. All I know is that he was there when I needed him the most. He helped me get through a lot of crap. And I will do the same for him.

I can't believe she's gone. I... I just can't. And thinking about all the crap that's gone on the past few days with Mike... Life's too short to spend it squabbling and misunderstanding. I know now that Mike needs more help than I could give him. I'm going to give him Dr. Shannon's card. When Mike started talking about blackness, I should have known that he needed a doctor. I just hope it's not too late. I'd hate to lose another friend.

Cole has been great throughout all that's gone on. I don't know what I'd do without him. He has given me so much strength. I love him more and more each day. And I'm going to make sure that he knows it. A day won't go by, ever again, that I don't tell him and show him.

I still can't believe she's gone... I.. I just cant.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-17 17:26 EST

Leaning against the window in the room they shared, Dirk was glad to be home. Cole was napping and Dirk had his recorder. It'd been a few days since it happened and he was finally able to think and speak clearly enough.

>CLICK<

We decided to go back packing. Just me and Cole, to get away from the stress of the house. Rosie's passing really hit Cole hard and we both thought some time away would help. If I had known then...

It was actually a fun trip. Of course the hotel was nice, but back packing was fun with Cole. We must have walked a good twenty or thirty miles a day. We watched the sunset over a canyon, the dying sun casting it's colors over the already colored rocks and walls of the canyon. It was beautiful and I won't be afraid to admit very romantic. Holding him close and sharing that with him was indescribable.

We even saw some bear cubs and got chased by more than one bee. I got eaten alive by mosquitoes and they pretty much left Cole alone. So yeah, for the most part, a good trip.

At night, we found this club that was pretty cool. We danced, drank and had a good time. I just wish I hadn't gone to the bathroom that night. Or that I had taken Cole with me. I wish I hadn't thrown that first punch...

I'm getting ahead of myself. I went to the bathroom and some guy started to hit on Cole. I come out of the bathroom and he's kissing Cole's hand and I just saw red. I pulled him away from Cole, practically throwing him. So the guy thinks he's funny and comes back at Cole, kissing him. I grabbed him again and punched him, think I broke his nose. Not sure. So the asshole pulls out a switchblade and holds it to Cole's throat. I'd had enough of playing with this guy. I broke his hand and wrist to get him off of Cole. Then I just laid into him. Next thing I know, I'm getting up and the guy's face is pretty much caved in. There was blood everywhere. I took Cole and hightailed it out.

Later, in the room, Cole's neck was bleeding. Seemed the guy got a slice in before I could do anything. And it wouldn't stop bleeding. It just... wouldn't stop. Cole passed out in my arms and I rushed him to the ER. I called Gage and he came with Dylan and Joel. They got there when Cole was in the operating room. Seems the guy nicked one of the smaller veins in Cole's neck. He lost so much blood. Oh God! Watching him lay there, with my hand on his neck as the blood just wouldn't stop!

I felt so useless. There was nothing I could do. He came out of surgery and we all gathered in his room. It's jumbled what happened next. The monitor started a loud, long beep. My baby had died. And I couldn't do anything for him!

Somehow we all ended up in a car, and the driver brought us back home. I think Dylan brought him back. Kick started his heart. I don't know. All I know is that Cole is alive. He's laying there, sleeping like the angel that he is. All of it was my fault. Me and my anger. I couldn't control my fists and because of it, I almost lost him again.

It's time to see Dr. Shannon again.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-18 08:05 EST

As Cole is taking a shower, Dirk grabs up his recorder and starts to talk.

>CLICK<

It's been a few days and Cole seems to be getting stronger every day. All of the guys have been great in coming to see him to keep his spirits up. But then, that's what a brotherhood does, right? Support each other and be there in times of need. Great to be a Pi right now.

The only lasting effect from Cole's time in the hospital is that he has no voice. I guess the breathing tube they had down his throat did something to his vocal chords. His throat hurts a lot. He holds it and I can see the pain in his face. I'd do anything to hear his voice, his giggle. And I'd do anything to take that pain from him.

I've taught him some sign language, the I love you sign and Thank you, mostly. Bought him a bunch of pads of colored paper, pens, markers, and colored pencils. The first note he wrote was to me and it said, "I love you Dirk, I love you, I love you." It nearly brought me to tears. How I'd love to hear him say it again.

God I miss his laugh! When he tries, he grabs his throat and the pain in his face in indescribable. I hope he gets better soon. I hate to see him in pain and I miss his voice. God do I miss his voice.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-21 09:55 EST

Once the car picked them up on the side of that road in the middle of nowhere, Dirk noticed that there was something sticking out of the glove box. Opening it up, there was an envelope with a large amount of money, a debit/credit card from an off shore account and a note from Gage. Even through it all, Gage still looked out for Dirk and Cole.

Dirk's first thought was that they were going to need clothes, food, notepad and pens for Cole and a place to stay. He eased the nondescript two door sedan out onto the road to get as far from where they were as he could. He didn't stop until they were in another state.

Picking up the stuff he had made a mental note of, he also picked up a new recorder and a six pack of the little tapes that go with it. And while Cole got into the shower, he recalls the day's events into it.

>CLICK<

Yeah, so Cole and I are on the run. We broke him out of that stupid hospital and haven't looked back. I still can't believe what his parents put him through. He's their son for God's sake! I can understand being worried, but to put him through what they had planned is utter bullshit. I know there will be a point where Cole will forgive and forget. I don't know if that's possible for me. They hurt Cole. They deliberately hurt him and I don't think I could ever forgive that.

So Gods knows where we are right now. Some hick town just inside of Indiana. And Gods knows where we are going to end up. All I know is that I'll run forever if it means keeping Cole safe.

Pretty tired, think I'm going to keep this short.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-23 18:31 EST

Alone in a cozy little room of a bed & breakfast they found just on the shore of Lake Michigan, Dirk sits on the bed, one leg stretched out while the other wsa bent and knee pointed to the ceiling. In one hand, he holds his recorder, the other a picture of Taylor and Tyler. His voice is thick with emotion as he presses the button to speak into the recorder. Towards the end there's long silences where he fights to hold back tears, and the tears win.

>CLICK<

As I sit here and look at a picture of your beautiful and smiling faces, I've come to realize that I'm not the father I should be. I'm never there, you are growing up so fast, and I'm never there. I've missed rolling over, your first tooth, your first smiles. And Gods knows what else I've missed out on.

I saw a lawyer while when we first got here, and now the paperwork is ready. I signed it this morning, and it should be in the mail. I'm sure that Noelle and Doug are going to be surprised, but it's what I had to do. For the sake of Taylor and Tyler, I had to sign over my parental rights.

Nobody asked me to do it, I just knew it was the right thing to do. If something should happen to Noelle, and I'm not there, I'm scared to think what might happen. The twins are in good hands with Doug. He loves them as his own, I've seen it in his eyes.

I love you, Taylor and Tyler. I just hope that some day you'll understand why I did what I did.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-24 18:35 EST

Still in the bed and breakfast, Dirk was in the room alone once again. Cole had stormed out after a little tiff. Of course, Dirk with his handy dandy little recorder, laid it all out.

>CLICK<

Only been up a couple of hours and already what a fucking day! The day started like any other day. I woke up, there was food left by the housekeepers. I went to tell Cole about it, told him to check it out. Monkey was still asleep, kind of and waved me off, and he told me he was still slieeping. I couldn't believe it. So I asked him to say it again.

I don't think he realized that he spoke. The first time in a long while, he spoke. Cole got his voice back. It was amazing and to hear that sweet voice again, how could life get any better? Well, it didn't.

Gage sent us a letter with some photos. Seems he bought us a house for a wedding gift. How he manages to find us every time, I haven't a clue. But he did. And the house is spectacular from the photos I've seen. Of course, this is Gage. Only the best that money can buy, right? It amazes me how much he still does for us, even after all that crap.

Well, it got me to thinking about how he did the same thing when Noelle and I got married. Then I started thinking about Taylor and Tyler. And I won't deny it. I cried. I miss those sweet little faces like there's no tomorrow. I didn't want to burden Cole with it. I mean he has had to go through so much. I thought I'd grin and bear it on my own. Well that was a mistake I won't ever make again.

Cole figured it out pretty quick what was wrong and he let me have it. I was stupid to think that he didn't miss his neice and nephew as well. Anyway, he stormed out of here just a bit ago and I'm going to go look for him.

He gets his voice back and what's the first thing that happens? We fight. Making up for lost time? Maybe. But this isn't going to happen again. I won't keep another thing from him. Not another.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-26 08:31 EST

Sitting in the breakfast nook, watching as the sun rises over the estate, Dirk is lost in thought, gazing out of the picture window. The day was going to be a long one, and he knew it.

>CLICK<

We're going back to Rhy'din today. I am looking forwards to seeing everybody and to thanking G for all that he's done for us. Holding Taylor and Tyler again, if Noelle and Doug will let me. It'll be good to be back amongst friends and family. But I know it's going to be hard.

Not being able to hold Cole and to let him know I love him during the day is going to be for shit. I hope that his parents drop the charges soon so we can get on with our lives. We've a wedding to plan for Gods sakes! Hell we've not even set a date yet.

I guess I should be thankful that they're even going to drop them. The statute of limitations is a year, I think. And to not see the twins, the bros, Chris and Xan and Chloe for a year. I think that would be very hard too. I guess I'll just have to suck it up. Why in the hell did his parents put him in that place in the first place? Gah!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-27 08:44 EST

>CLICK<

So we're back at home in the frat house. I dropped Cole off at the main house, didn't even help him with his bags. I couldn't watch him go into the house. As soon as he had his things from the truck, I took off and came down here to the guest house. I know it's supposed to be an act and all. But truly, without being able to hold him whenever I want, I simply do not want to be around.

I know that he'll come to me tonight and we can be together. And for those few brief hours, everything will be perfect. But until then, I've got things to do.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-28 08:17 EST

>CLICK<

So yeah, woke up alone this morning. Fell asleep with Cole in my arms, woke up to an empty bed. I hate it. I simply hate it. I am supposed to be the one getting up early and doing my running and such before he even wakes up. But we stayed up so late last night. Neither of us wanted to fall asleep. We get to spend so little time together that it's absolutely killing me. I just wish his mother would get her head out of her ass! If that bitch hadn't put Cole in the hospital, none of this would be happening. We'd be planning our wedding, not the next secret place where we can be meeting up.

Maybe his mom is right. Maybe what everybody has told him before is right. Just maybe I'm bad news for anybody I'm with. I told Cole this yesterday. Said that maybe they were right. He convinced me that he didn't care what other people said. That he loves me and that's all that matters. Just me and him. And he's right. That's all that does matter.

I do have to admit the sneaking around and trying to hide things has made what little time we do spend together that much more intense. It's like every touch, kiss, hug... means so much more than it did before.

Anyway, I'm getting tired of waiting on whether or not the police are going to show up at my door. Has his mother already dropped the charges and not told him? I don't know what else we can do to try to convince her. We even made a video of Jess and Cole making out. Gods, that was horrible. Watching Jess hold onto my Cole and kiss on him. I just got so mad! All of his kisses should be saved for me! He's my fiancee! And of course, that little man-whore Jessie had to make like it was the best thing he's ever had. That may be true in his case, but Cole is mine!

I have half a notion to call Cole's mother and let her know just what she's done to her son. She had him locked away without any good reason. If she would just listen to him! Cole doesn't lie. I've never heard him utter a single lie in his life. She has to know that about him! And now, to see his face during the day. He looks so sad. And he's taken to drinking beer. Cole doesn't usually drink! Not during the day and not unless we're out at a club or something. If she only knew what she was doing to Cole, maybe she'd back down. But if I called, it'd make things a hundred percent worse, I just know it.

Yesterday was very difficult. We had a couple of moments alone, in the greenhouse and then in one of the spare rooms inside the house itself. Other than that, I spent the day watching him as he went about his day. And I hated every moment that I couldn't share with him. Today I'm just going to stay in the guest house and veg out. Maybe not seeing him at all will make today easier. I don't see how, but just maybe.

Ok, I've rambled on enough. It is good to be home. I didn't realize how much I missed Taylor and Tyler until I actually got to hold them again. Doug and Noelle are doing such a good job taking care of them. It reinforces that I did the right thing by signing my rights over to Noelle. I'm just grateful that she still allows me time wth them. Maybe I'll have them over today.

Time to take my run.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-29 08:11 EST

>CLICK<

Man, Jess caught us near the spring. We were going to go skinny dipping in it, just me and Cole. Cole had brought along a picnic lunch and we were just going to spend a little bit of quiet time. Gods knows, it's not like we've been getting any of that lately. Anyway

So we come up with this plan. Cole's parents had seen the video of Cole and Jess making out and they wanted to meet Jess. Jess agreed to it, so Cole and Jess went to Cole's parents. They didn't know it but they were being followed. Of course I followed. I kept my distance, which was tough to do, but I wasn't going to let Cole too far away from me. And I really don't trust Jess. Sometimes he's just a drumstick short of a bucket.

Anyway, I wasn't the only one following Cole. Seems that the assholes from the fight club just can't leave well enough alone. I don't really know how he got into the house, or what happened. All I know is that I started getting on text message after another on my cell from Cole. They all said the same thing, one word. "Help"

So I get there and there is this guy from the fight club there. I didn't know him personally, just remembered the face. He'd had a knife and cut Jess already. He's lucky that he didn't touch Cole. We fought for a bit, and I finally knocked the guy out cold. I told Cole and Jess to get cleaned up, that we were leaving. But I had to do something first.

I carried this guy to my truck and dumped him into the back. I found my old dealer and he sold me the drug for a reasonable price. And I loaded the guy in the back of my truck with the drug. I tossed his wallet into the woods, then dumped him in front of the ER. Let them figure out who the strung out John Doe is.

So now we're all back at home. Cole had a nightmare last night, again. I've not got the full details from either Cole nor Jess about what happened. Perhaps in time...

On a good note, all charges have been dropped against me. So Cole and I can plan our wedding and be together. I really hated hiding how I felt for him and I'll never do that again.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-06-30 19:14 EST

Sitting on the front porch of the guest house, his feet up on the edge of the squirrel house and his rear firmly planted in the seat of a rocking chair. He looks up at the stars above and contemplates the days events.

>CLICK<

Good God, what a day. It started out innocently enough, I suppose. We woke up, made love, had breakfast. I left to go pick up a few things at the store and left him to watch the tv, or do whatever. Some people would never believe he and I aren't jonied at the hips.

Anyway, I picked up a book about planning weddings and a couple of magazines. I hate that they don't have grooms magazines. Cole was flipping through one of the mags and there was this article in there. Some old fashioned bullshit about not having sex or living with your fiancee before getting married.

So he starts going on about it. How we should wait. That it'll make everything perfect. That sixty percent of people who wait until their wedding night last longer than those that don't. What does that stupid magazine with it's writers who are probably a billion years old, know about me and Cole?

And I told him that. Well he got upset. I kept telling him that the magazine knew nothing about us or how we are. That regardless if we have it before, during or after the ceremony what makes us last is what's in our hearts, not what we do. And then he says something that just... it blew me away. He says how can we know there's something more to us than sex if that's all we do.

After all the shit that we've been through, he doubts me still. I am still dumbounded by it. I told him I had no doubts that there was more to us than sex, and he got mad and ran out. I couldn't just leave it at that. So I ran after him.

We argued right there, out in the open. I picked him up to take him back to the guest house and even smacked him on the ass to get him to stop wriggling around. So what's he do? He kicks me! And he almost hit the junk too! I dropped him like a sack of hot potatoes and we sat screaming at each other for a minute.

What happened next, I'm not proud of at all. But by this time my anger got the best of me and took over. As he tried to get up, I pushed him down by his face. Told him to stay down. He threw some rocks at me as I tried to walk away. That was it, I saw red. My ring came off and I threw it at him.

He ran up to the house, and I went back home. I spent the better part of two hours trying to figure out what the hell had went wrong. Something as simple as abstaining before the wedding caused this entire fight. And as I cooled down, I realized that Cole was right. There is more to us than making love and even though that's a lot of fun, there's other things we can do.

I bought him two dozen roses while I was out driving and thinking. I came back to the house and gave him the flowers. He told me it was over. That when I took off my ring that it was over. I tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't listen. He took off his ring and dropped it into my hand. My stomach did a flip and I never felt so sick in my life.

I asked if he still loved me. He yelled yes and then rushed out of his room. I quickly followed and grabbed his hand. I didn't know what to do or say. The bros that were in the living room watching tv were now watching us. I dropped to my knee and told Cole exactly how I felt. I asked him to marry me, once again. I put the ring on his finger as he said yes. We just stood and held each other and cried for a long time.

Cole's right. There's more to us than lovemaking. And I'm going to make sure he knows that. I love him. I'm never going to lose him again.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-01 18:40 EST

(Rated R for strong language and sexual conduct. If you do not wish to see such things, don't read.)

>CLICK<

So, funny how life is. One day you think that everything's going along great, nothing could be better. Smooth sailing. Sure, Cole and I fought, but we made up. And we agreed to no hanky panky before the wedding. Hahahaha! Fuck that!

While I was out at the pool, Cole meets one of the newer guys to the Frat. Dien. Cute kid, shorter than Cole. Very much a little boy in a man's body. And of course, being so alike, they hit it right off. They laughed, played, watched movies and just did normal stuff. The next day, we invited Dien and his friend... friend... wrong word... his boyfriend over for dinner and movies. Just hanging out, chilling, you know, good times.

So yeah, we're watching tv in the bedroom. Gods knows why we were all in there, but what the hell. It's my house, I can do what the fuck I want. And truly, I don't know how it all started. A look from Cole? A grin from Dru? Next thing I know, there's hands all over me, I've got my hands all over Dien, then Dru and Cole. And the kissing and touching of course led to a bunch of naked men doing what naked men do. Lots of fucking and sucking and all kinds of fun stuff going on. Oh yeah baby, it was hotter than ten inches from the midday sun. Whew!

Best thing is, Cole loved it! He was like a man possessed. And he loves that little Dien's ass. I swear, he couldn't get enough.

Whew!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-03 07:32 EST

The only time Dirk found himself alone much anymore was when he was out taking a morning jog. He carried his recorder with him this time, wanting to just let out everything that was inside. So once he got to the little hot spring that they'd found during the winter, he strips down out of his clothes and sinks into the warm water. Then he picks up his recorder.

>CLICK<

So yeah, everything was so hot the other night. But, as I always do, I think too much about things. We moved Dru and Dien into the house so they could be closer. Cole and Dien are nearly inseperable, except when it's bed time. Then Cole comes to bed with me.

Dru and I hadn't spoken much since this all happened and I was beginning to wonder about my place in the scheme of things. Cole, Dien and Dru, they all are happy and excited. I just felt like a third wheel.

So Dien and Cole spent the night at Randy's Toy Store. I know it sounds funny, but Randy's a friend of mine and I had it set up where they had a tent, sleeping bags, food and of course they had free use of all of the toys. While they were away, Dru and I had a long talk.

We talked about what it was like on his homeworld and all kinds of stuff. He says he's not jealous in the least about Dien finding a new lover. And he's right about that. Dien and Cole seem more like playmantes, even if their play does turn sexual. And truly, I have no problem with that.

Then we started talking about other things. I admitted to him, straight up that I was falling for him, and it scared the piss out of me. The last time something like this happened, Gage and I nearly ended up killing each other after all was said and done. I don't want that to happen again.

He admitted that he had feelings for me too and I was relieved. I mean it's bad to have feelings like that that aren't returned. Anyway, we agreed to take it slow, let it grow as it will. Then we went to watch a movie.

Well it was pretty late and the only thing on the tube was porn. I mean we could have watched regular tv, but we were laughing and joking around and it seemed funny at the time. We talked some more and pretty much ignored the television. I mean there were moments during that movie that the actors were quite loud and I'll admit, it turned us both on.

We started kissing, just innocent kissing at first. But, as things usually do, it got heated up. I can say that I am a lot more at ease right now, thinking about everything, than I was before. I felt like a third wheel because I made myself feel like a third wheel. That isn't going to happen again. How does that song go? "You're not the only one who's made mistakes, but they're the only thing that you can truly call your own.." Yeah, it was my mistake to not get more involved. And you learn and move on, right?

Cole, Dru, Dien and I. I know it sounds crazy. But I think this time, it'll truly work. This time, I won't be a putz.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-05 08:53 EST

Watching Cole sleep, he doesn't waste any time and he turns on the recorder.

>CLICK<

Son of a bitch, almost lost Cole again. He had went to talk to Jessie, it really bothers him how they parted ways. Cole just wants everybody to be happy and to get along. Of course that bastard Jessie always has to try to turn it into more than that. I really can't say what all happened up in Jessie's room, but I have a good idea.

Cole just wanted another chance at their friendship. He treasures each person so much and holds them all very close to his heart. Jessie even more so than others because they had been together for so long. Cole just wanted to be his friend. And, of course, Jessie has turned so bitter that he twists everything into something sexual. What do you expect from a man-whore?

Anyway, Cole came home and was covered in blood. I mean, just covered. I did what I could, and Dru helped, but it was just too much. Dru ran and got Dean. Thank God for Dean. He's helped me and Cole in more ways than he'll probably ever know. He was able to pull these huge pieces of wood from Cole's arms and heal the wounds. My poor baby passed out from the pain early on, so he didn't suffer too much once it all got started. And thanks to Dean, he didn't lose near as much blood as he could have. But he was weak and I lay him down in our bed ad held him close until he woke up.

And through all of that, when he woke up, he was upset, still, that Jessie was being such an ass about everything. Cole wanted so badly just to bury any harsh feelings and just be friends again. He wanted to go to Jessie and try to work it out and I told him no. I couldn't let Cole go and be hurt again. When he hurts, so do I. So Cole asked me to bring Jessie down to see him. How can I resist those beautiful eyes and that breathtaking smile? I can't. When my baby wants something, it's up to me to see that he gets it. It's my job to keep him happy.

So I went to get Jessie. And I'll admit, it felt really good to beat the shit out of him. I saw the amount of blood in his room and knowing it was Cole's, it made my blood boil. To lose that much blood in a person's room and they didn't even bother to ask if you are alright? The bastard deserves to die. But Cole wanted to speak to him, so I just roughed him up a bit. The little snot had the nerve to mouth off to me. Damn straight I'm going to make sure he speaks out of the other side of his head.

So, I brought him home. Cole healed his face. That's another thing that gets me. Jessie talks like Cole doesn't give a shit about anybody. If that were the case, why would he waste his time and energy on the one person that Jessie says Cole cares about the least? This guy really needs a reality check. I mean big time.

He and Cole fought, of course Jessie is too damn hard headed to listen and then he has the fucking nerve to lie to Cole. So now what, he thinks Cole is stupid? I had promised Cole I'd stay out of it and not kill him. But it took all my strength to keep from it. Once they were outside, somehow they ended up on the ground. My poor baby was trying so hard to convince Jessie that all he wanted was friendship. And Jessie couldn't and wouldn't listen to reason. Finally Cole gave up. I guess even he has his limits. His heart's broken, I can tell you that much.

He came back into the house and I just held him close. Jessie had called Cole a whore for coming to see him. And Cole took it to heart. Jessie hurt my baby one time too many. And he'd better be on the look out. Because if I should catch him alone, he's a dead man.

I had left him with Dien for a little while, to go look for Jessie. I didn't find the jerk, and when I came home something odd was going on. Cole seemed so happy and it was wonderful, but eerie at the same time. He and I went to take a bubble bath and I commented on how I thought it was great how he was handling this entire Jessie thing. And it seems that my baby, he doesn't remember Jessie, doesn't remember tearing his arms up, none of it. I don't know what happened while I was gone. But if Cole is much happier without the memories of Jessie. Then who am I to argue. He is my love and my life. And as long as he's happy, so am I. I guess its' true what they say. Ignorance is bliss. He's completely ignorant of the fact that Jessie is a complete asshole. And I'm glad.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-07 07:49 EST

>CLICK<

What an amazing place I am in right now. This homeworld of Dru and Dien's, man, the beauty of it surpasses Earth and Rhy'din by leaps and bounds. Everything is so colorful! I could sit and stare at the trees blowing in the breeze, just to watch the colors change. Simply amazing stuff. The sights, the sounds, the smells. It was a sensory overload when we first arrived here. It truly made my head spin.

The customs on this planet are so different than Earth's as well. There's been no fighting, nothing on the news about violence or war or death from one man's hands to another. It is truly a peaceful place. And they allowed the four of us to get married. Not couple to couple, all four of us, together, at the same time. I now have three husbands. How crazy does that sound?

I have been told that the heart is the ruler here and that entire families have been bonded in the ceremony that we went through. So maybe married isn't the right word. Bonded, for life. That's better and more accurate. For when a Naianite Finds a mate, or several mates, they are mates for life. And there is no jealousy at all between them. As long as the love for the first mate holds out, they can take as many mates as they like.

Anyway, I'm not going to babble on too much longer. We plan on going for a hike, maybe even a picnic lunch out on the hillside somewhere.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-08 00:56 EST

>CLICK<

We're still in Naia and I swear I never want to leave. Everything is so peaceful here. I can really get used to how everything here is so beautiful and it's like it strives to be even more so, every day.

Tonight, Cole and I watched the sun set together. I can still feel his soft skin of his hands in mine and the warmth of his back as it pressed against my chest. His hair blew, sometimes in my face, and I can still smell the strawberries. It was an awesome sight and I couldn't have found a more special person to share it with.

After the sun went down we played Marco Polo in the pool. Cole can whip me in that game, every time. But he lets me catch him for some serious snuggle and making out. He makes me feel so amazing when he holds me and when we kiss. I can't help it. I grow more in love with him by the day.

Later we had dinner with Dru and Dien and just sat around and watched television and talked about the day we'd had. Pretty boring, every day stuff to anybody else. But to me, I am glad to get that back into my life.

Time for bed, the rest fell asleep before me, so its' time to put this up and head for bed.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-09 07:52 EST

Back in Dirk's guest house, they had come home from Naia. None of them really wanted to leave, but pressure was being applied to Dru by his family to take his proper seat, where they thought he belonged. They all agreed that it was time to go. Where one goes, they all go. And if Dru wasn't comfortable anymore, then that was fine by Dirk.

>CLICK<

Just got home yesterday and I'm glad we're back. Rhydin may not be as beautiful or peaceful as Naia, but it's home. I can't believe I'm saying that. Be it ever so humble, right?

I had a pleasant surprise waiting for me when we got back. Seems that my older twin brother has shown up in Rhydin. He and Gage's baby brother, James, have come to join the fraternity. I had mixed emotions about seeing Ryan.

When last I saw him, he was screaming at me to wake up. That Emily was nothing more than trailer trash and I should stay far, far away from her. Of course he was right. But at sixteen, I wasn't going to listen to any kind of reasoning. Especially everything that came out of my brother's mouth. What did he know, right?

I hadn't realized I missed him until he walked into the pool area. Part of me wanted to jump up and run to him and just hold onto him. I truly missed my twin. I mean, hell, as kids we were inseperable. Our mom always made us wear matching clothes and hell we even had to bathe together when we were really little. We shared the same bedroom, and on stormy nights, it was Ryan that held his scared baby brother until he fell asleep. Good times.

But then another part of me had this feeling that he was here just to rub it in my face, once more, what an idiot I was for being with Emily. He was relentless about that before I came to the frat, and I had a sneaking feeling that he would continue. Not to mention the bros had time to catch him up on all his baby brother's screw ups. So, I was waiting for that too.

I was pleasantly surprised. My brother had grown up and become a very decent man. Of course I forgave him for giving me a hard time about Emily. Truly, he was right and if I hadn't been so hard headed, I could have avoided a lot of heartache.

So, we talked for a long while and it was good to get a hug from him. I did truly miss my brother. And I'm glad he's back in my life. He does give me a little bit of a hard time about having three husbands, but it's all in fun.

And Cole was happy to see Ryan as well. It was a very nice little reunion. I love my brother and glad he's home.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-15 09:45 EST

Sitting in a posh hotel room, he looks over to the bed and watches them sleep. He still cannot believe the events of the last few days. He picks up his recorder to try to make sense of it all.

>CLICK<

So I was sitting at home, watching movies with the guys and I get this feeling come over me. Something was happening, and I didn't like it, not one bit. And I knew it had to be Gage. I could feel that he had turned Jess. Gage and I have this connection. we're both Lycans, and now so is Jess. This terrified me. After all the crap between he and Cole, I was scared to death that he was going to go after Cole and hurt him.

So I called Gage and warned him. If Jessie so much as harmed a single hair on Cole's head, I would deliver Jessie's head to Gage in a burlap sack. And I meant it. Jessie isn't right in the head sometimes and I saw how angry he was the last time that he and Cole spoke. I can't take the chance of Cole getting hurt.

Well, Cole overheard the conversation. He still didn't know who Jessie was, so he asked me what that was all about. And I pretty much laid it on the line for him. I told him about how he and Jessie were together but broke up when Jessie caught me and Cole kissing in the kitchen. That Jessie had said some ugly and mean things to Cole.

Well Cole wanted to meet Jessie. I told him no. Of course that was stupid. Nobody says no to Cole. So I called Gage and made the arrangements for the two of us to fly to Montreal to meet up with Gage and Jessie. I was very wary about it, but we went.

Gage and Cole convinced me that it would be best if Cole speak with Jessie alone. It scared the hell out of me to let him do it, but Gage and I were right outside of the room. At the first sign of trouble, Gage and I would be in there to put a stop to it. I just hoped that we wouldn't be too late if that were to happen.

A lot of time went by, an hour, maybe three? And it was so quiet. Gage had tried to start a conversation at first, but I was too busy listening for a scream or anything to come from that room. But there was nothing but silence. And then, I heard a moan. And if I knew anything, it was the sound of Cole moaning. And it wasn't a moan of pain either.

So Gage and I went into the room and Jess and Cole aren't there. I looked around for a minute, and then there was a moan from the bathroom. Gage was all about telling me that we can't blame them for what they were doing. I turned to Gage and surprised him, and myself. I said that he was right, but that doesn't stop us from joining them. And we did.

It's fucking crazy, I know. But Cole and I spent last night with Gage and Jessie. I won't go into detail about all that happened. But it was a very nice night indeed. And I still can't believe, me and Gage, are back together.

What a night!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-18 08:38 EST

>CLICK<

Cole and I are going to take a trip to the cabin that we were at this past winter. Just he and I, alone for a little while. Being around all of the guys is great, but I miss spending alone time with him. So we're probably going to be leaving this afternoon. I can't wait!

One of Gage's friends has come to visit for a while. I don't know the full story behind that, only that she's here. I do know that she's lycan. Last night when we were out on a hunt, I could smell that she's nearing her first heat. Maybe that's why she's here. Instincts to mate maybe? I do know it was very difficult to control the wolf with her around. He wanted to go to her, and I stopped him each time. No need for babies, we learned that lesson well enough, didn't we?

She's a nice girl and all though, from what I've seen. Pretty enough, reminds me a little of Chloe in how she looks.

Well, need to get packed. Cole and I will be gone a couple of days. When we get back, we'll see what happens with this girl. The wolf side of me already wants her badly. It's a little scary.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-22 09:09 EST

Standing in the middle of the room, he looks around at the walls. At first they look pristine and white as the driven snow. But that is just at first glance. Upon closer inspection, the walls were covered with penciled sketches. A huge jungle scene with all kinds of cartoon like animals. Everything from giraffes to monkeys and even magical and mythical animals such as a tall unicorn and tiny fairies and pixies peeking out from behind trees were all there. He was pretty proud of his work and couldn't wait to start painting the nursery. They had already bought furniture and such for it. He just needed to finish getting it painted. The furniture, of course, is unfinished so he can paint it to match the nursery walls.

His long legs carry him over to an upturned empty paint bucket and he sits down. First he pulls out a cigarette and lights it. It'll probably the last cigarette to be smoked in this room. Then he pulls out his recorder.

>CLICK<

It's been a very odd last few days, to say the least. Actually I can say the last month has been different. One of Gage's friends, Rumer, came to visit here at the house. She's really a very nice girl. And I've talked to you about her before. Anyway, she's full blood and very powerful. She went into her first heat and Jessie and I were all over her like no tomorrow. Two gay men and we were drooling sex crazed idiots and fumbling all over her.

Well that's over with now. Pregnancy test confirmed what we knew for at least a week or so. She's pregnant. Dien says that she's carrying two babies and that Jessie and I are both going to be fathers. I don't know the hows or whys really. I know we both got to her, maybe she was ovulating from both ovaries? Maybe the lycan side took over and like a wolf or dog, she can get pregnant from more than one father? I'm not sure.

I know it sounds bad. I mean really bad. But Rumer is a very sweet girl. She would not do a thing to harm anybody, physically or emotionally. She has come to be a part of our family and we all love her very much. And she loves all of us as well. Very quickly she has become like a Snow White to our Seven Dwarves. Yeah, probably a bad analogy, but you get my meaning.

Gage is extremely happy about the entire situation. For Jessie's sake, I'm glad of it. Cole seems to have a hard time with me being with a woman, but he's coming around. I think he still has hard feelings about when I was with his sister. But that's another story all together. I love my Monkey Man and am very proud of how he is taking everything in stride.

Rumer is a very good friend of Noelle's, so it turns out. She convinced Noelle to allow Taylor and Tyler to come stay for a week. So I've been spending as much time with my babies as I can. They've grown so fast! I mean they're still gurgling, cooing and making a mess in their diapers, but they're rolling over now! And every day I see little changes in them. Taylor's hair is almost completely auburn now. And she looks so much like Noelle. Daddy's little girl is absolutely beautiful. And Tyler, he looks more like me every day. He even has that Stevens smirk down to a T already! And they both know how to ham it up and get what they want. Ok, maybe that's just me wanting to spoil them rotten. It's so good to have them here. I'm dreading when this week is up. I try not to think about it.

So, I'm painting a new nursery for a new set of twins. Half brothers, sharing the same womb. Life can't get any more bizarre than that.

Ok, break's over. Time to get to work.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-23 10:04 EST

>CLICK<

You don't know what you've got, until it's gone. I learned that the hard way. I said some things, did some things and pretty much fucked myself over pretty badly. Here I am, lap of luxury, have my choice of eight lovers, nothing can go wrong. But, of course, I have to screw it up. How do you fuck up a situation like that? All nine on the same level, nobody above anybody. No jealousy, just a common bond of love and trust. Sounds like heaven. And it is.

But I am an idiot. I couldn't stand it that Cole was spending more time with Dien or Jessie or whoever. I wanted all of his time. Sure, I had been spending time with Rumer and Gage and even Jessie. But my head always goes back to Cole. It always has.

So Rumer and Jessie were stomping about, having a tiff I guess, and somebody slammed a door. Cole and I were in the kitchen, drinking smoothies and I uttered the most stupid thing to him. I said something terrible about Rumer. I said that no piece of ass is worth that kind of drama. As if Rumer were just some random girl who meant nothing. Cole dumped his smoothie on my head and walked out. And that's when I really snapped.

Pride being what it is, I started to get ready to leave. I'd had enough of the sharing, I didn't want to share anymore. So, I get to the living room after showering and there's Rumer. Now I have serious foot in mouth disease when my anger and pride are running the show. To her face I bluntly said that I didn't love her then commenced to calling her a whore. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her or the children she is pregnant with. What kind of bastard does this? Me, that's who.

I went to find Cole. I wanted to say goodbye, hell that's not true. I wanted to see if he'd go with me. He was furious. Told me that it was over. That he couldn't be with somebody who treated everybody like dirt. Then he stormed off ot the bathroom.

The rest is a bit of a blur. Lot of blood, my fist through a mirror, glass in my throat. Rumer healed it, stopped me from dying I'm sure. And through all of that, I was still an ass to her. I finally left the house, trying to get somebody, anybody to go with me. Even Ryan turned his back on me.

So, I found a cheap hotel, even cheaper booze and drugs and layed low for a few days. I didn't answer the phone, I just stayed drunk and high. I went to the hotel office to stay another night and they told me the card that Gage had given me had been declined. He cut me off.

So I ended up at Nico's. I had no where else to go, nobody to turn to. That guy really speaks his mind and tells you like it is. And I needed that. I called to apologize to Rumer, to everybody. And they let me come home. After all the crap I put them through, they let me come home.

It still blows me away. I'm taking it one day at a time and just letting things happen. And if I ever feel like being an ass again, I'm making a trip back to Nico's. He'll set me straight, that's for damn sure.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-25 11:03 EST

Sitting alone, he picks up his recorder and begins to speak.

>CLICK<

Yeah, that last incident has had a bigger impact than I thought before. While most of the guys are just the same, normal guys, there has been one change and it's killing me. Cole has become so distant. At least to me he has. They were all eating breakfast the other day. As soon as I walked in and started talking, he got up and left the room for the pool.

We've not really spoken since I came back home. I had wanted to get the air clear between us. I miss him so much. Regardless of the rules of the house, he has been and always will be my number one. If not for him, I don't know where I'd be. I love him so much.

I just want to talk to him again. To touch him, to let him know how much he is loved. I know I screwed up royally, and I didn't know there would be such a price to pay.

If it's time he's needing, then that's what I'll give him. All the time in the world. And space too. I just hope he knows that when he's ready, I'll be here, waiting with my arms wide open.

I miss my Cole. I want to hold him. I want to talk to him. I want to show him I love him and that I'm so sorry for what I've put him through.

Come talk to me, Cole...

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-07-31 04:02 EST

>CLICK<

I have to say that I am the happiest man alive right now. Cole came to me while I was cleaning the kitchen and we had a long talk. I told him how much I missed him and he said he had missed me too. We cleared the air about a lot of things, especially the things I had said about Rumer. He asked if I were going to be a good father to the babies and I promised to do my best. After talking a while we held each other and watched the sun set over the pool and then went to the bedroom. Things are getting back to normal.

Joel came to visit and he brought a friend with him. It's so great seeing him again. It's been nearly a year, if not more, and we picked up where we left off. I love it that I'm in a place now where I can openly admit to having feelings for Joel and not feel like I'm cheating on anybody. I do love Joel, there's no doubt about that. And he has admitted the same feelings for me. Cole's not said anything on the subject, but it doesn't seem to wig him out if I'm with Joel for a bit. I know, it sounds strange, and I couldn't do justice with words the understanding between us all.

Anyway, Joel's friend, Jaelynn came with him. She seems like a nice girl and we've hung out, all of us, and had a pretty good time. I think she has the hots for both Cole and Joel. It's cute to watch her try to be coy and shy around them. We all went out to the movies and threw popcorn and candy at each other and the people around us. Yeah, we ended up getting kicked out of the theater, but it was still a lot of fun.

Let's see, what else? Oh! I'm almost done with the nursery. The jungle scene is coming out a lot better than expected. Rumer is in there every day helping out with the stuff at floor and eye level. I won't let her get onto a ladder. Her pregnancy is moving way too fast and I'm afraid she'll fall and get hurt. But she's doing a beautiful job. The little faces on the fairies and pixies that she's painting look like they are almost alive. She's something else, and she definitely has the touch.

Jessie's twin brother, Noah is here too. Nobody had heard from him because Jessie is a pretty private person and anything having to do with his home life, he keeps locked up pretty tightly. It seems that Noah and Jessie's dad took off with Noah when they were young. It's funny to watch Noah and Jessie together. Their mannerisms are so similar that they probably don't even realize it. The way they tilt their heads while watching a movie, or listening to music. They're identical, in almost every way. Both very nice looking men.

I will say that the news the other day did sadden me quite a bit. Gage and I have been best friends ever since we were little. He and I have been through a shit load together. So I agree with the general consensus that something must have happened to him. If he wasn't happy with Jessie, he would have said so. He doesn't hide behind distance and phone calls. Anyway, I'm worried about him and hope he calls soon. I haven't a clue where to start looking for him.

And on a happier note, before I settle down and get some sleep, I received a call from Matt G that Russell and Ana had the twins. Two healthy little boys, Devon Russell and Charles Dean. I'm very happy for them.

Well it's time for bed. Been a long day. Good night.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-08-07 09:54 EST

>CLICK<

Something amazing happened to me yesterday. I had went to visit with Tristan and to discuss with him what the hell is going on with his dad. Tristan wasn't home, but his baby sister, Elise was. The girl is, simply put, gorgeous. I swear there were times that her feet never touched the ground. Angelic is the best word I can think of to describe her.

I don't know what she did to me. We were chasing each other around, playing hide and seek. Tristan has this huge hedge maze and I found myself at a dead end, with a bench. So I lay on the bench for a while to catch my breath. That is when she did it.

I'm still not sure exactly what she did. The girl has magic in her fingers, that's for sure. And all my fears, gone. The fear of saying how I feel because it may not be what somebody wants to hear, gone. My fear of telling people how I feel because they may not feel the same, gone. The fear of hearing other's opinions, gone as well. It's like this huge weight has been lifted off of my chest. I owe that girl a great deal. I wonder if she knows just how she's touched my heart?

And it's funny how things work out. I was sitting in my bedroom, watching television and Rumer came into the room. She said that she knew I wasn't in love with her and that it was ok. I admit, I did a backslide. I said what I thought she wanted me to say. Not much more was said and a while later I heard her crying.

So I went to her and I told her how I really feel. I am in love with her, there's no way around that and I won't deny it anymore. I am in love with Cole and Joel and Rumer. I was afraid to say so because I was in fear of losing Cole or Joel. But that fear is gone now. I just hope that Cole and Joel can understand. If not, I don't know what will happen.

Anyway, enough of this shit. It's my turn to fix breakfast. I think I'll just fry up some donuts and cube up some melon. Keep it light. It's been so fucking hot outside that anything even the slightest bit heavy and you're puking your guts out.

Peace.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-08-11 20:46 EST

>CLICK<

God, where do I start? Gage was rescued by Paul, but that was just a trap. Alaric's adviser, Setheus, somehow became one with Gage and captured Jessie and took Gage back to that place. Then Setheus was able to transform himself into Jessie and he came back to the house. We spent some time and something just didn't sit right.

I'm not sure of the how or why, but next thing I know, Gage and Jessie are back at home, and Setheus is apologizing to all of us. It was pretty bizarre stuff. Setheus stayed the night, then poof, gone the next day. I haven't seen him since. I just hope this doesn't mean that Alaric's going to attack now that Setheus knows where we are. It's too dangerous to try to move Rumer now.

So yeah, Gage was back for a day or so. Seems the divorce papers were real. He and Jessie had a talk and that, as they say, is that. Jessie seems to be doing alright, and so does Gage.

Yeah, I called him the other day just to see how things were. He sounded happy and excited and oh yeah, he just got remarried. Were the bedsheets even cold yet, G? Or was that the real reason for the divorce. Ah, whatever, as long as he's happy.

Things are going very well with Cole, Joel, Rumer, Jessie, Dien, Dru, Noah and myself. A peaceful comfort has come over the house and I can say it's been quite pleasant. The nursery is done painted and so is the furniture that goes in it. The babies are going to have top of the line everything. Of course, Uncle Gage would have it no other way. Gotta love that guy.

Well, we're out of here, time for a dinner out and a movie.

Peace.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-08-23 07:35 EST

>CLICK<

I came back to the Frat house to be with Taylor and Tyler. Doug and Noelle are on a short vacation and I said I'd take care of the twins. So here I am, back home. I've visited with Russ and Ana. Their little boys are so adorable. And the little one that bears his name acts like his father already. Little shit zapped me!

Anyway, I ran into G. Or I should say he ran into me. Or whatever. We had the "good" talk where everything is just... good. Really I don't think either of us knew what to say to each other. And then it happened. He kissed me. And I kissed him back. It was amazing. I mean... hell amazing doesn't even cover it.

We ended up under that tree, at the picnic bench in the woods. That's where he and I had our first kiss. And it was like coming home. There was safety and warmth and comfort and all the good parts of a homecoming were wrapped up in that simple act of lovemaking under the stars.

I know he and I have gone our separate ways. He's with Steve. I'm with Cole and Joel. But in that moment in time, it was as if all of the time that had passed since before Cole came into the picture until now had simply not existed. I know that sound cruel. But it was just Gage and myself and it felt like none of the bad stuff had ever happened.

I'm going back home in a few days, when Noelle and Doug get back. And Gage is going to go back to Steve as well and life will return to normal. But, until then, it's going to be Gage and myself. And with the twins, it'll be as he's always dreamed. As we both use to dream of. The two of us with a little family.

God I love him.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-08-27 19:51 EST

>CLICK<

Yeah, so the house seems so empty. The ones left are Joel and myself. Everybody else is gone. I still can't believe Cole. I never once thought that he'd do what he did. Of course, it's all my fault. It always is. I've cheated on him before and lied about it. He always found out. And he said the worst part was that I lied about it. So go figure what happened this time.

He asked if I slept with Gage while I was back at the Pi house. Well, considering he'll find out anyway, I told the truth. What good did it do me? He got mad anyway! Said he was going to go out and find somebody else. I didn't think he was serious, but when I found out he was going to a club, there was no way I was going to let him go by himself. I guess I should have stayed home.

So I get there and Cole and this guy are almost screwing on the dance floor. Next thing I know, this guy is taking Cole into a back room. And Cole was going along willingly. I couldn't believe my eyes. So I do what I do best. I punched the guy and grabbed Cole. We were almost home and boy what a fight there was in that car. We kind of made up, and I relented. We went back to the bar.

So I had to piss pretty badly and I told him to go get us a couple of beers. I come out of the bathroom and sure enough, Cole wasted no time in finding his little friend. They were making out at the bar. I'd seen enough, so I just left. He didn't even notice I was gone.

So next thing I know, I'm getting a phone call. Cole's on the way to this guy's house and he just wanted to let me know he was ok. Yeah, whatever. I told him to use a condom and hung up. Like I really wanted to hear that he was off with some guy he met in a bar. He knew the guy what, two hours at the most?

He stayed the night at this guy's house. When he came back the next day, he reeked of sex. Like he's trying to rub it in my face or something. What's good for the goose, right? He and I fought and he ran off, back to his new lover.

I got pretty lit after that. Don't remember what I smoked but it was some damn good stuff. Had some hunch punch to wash everything down. So I was feeling pretty good. Just buzzing and not a care. But then Cole, always Cole. He came back for his stuff. Said it was over. I really don't remember much of what happened. From what I'm told I bloodied Cole's mouth and hurt him. That I scared Dien so badly that he begged Dru to take him back to the Pi house. I don't know. All I know is I woke up this morning with a hellacious hang over and everybody but Joel gone.

Joel's the only one who ever stood by me. As many times as I've pushed him aside, he's always been there for me. It's time to stop overlooking the one that truly loves me. Cole who? Gage who?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-09-13 00:10 EST

>CLICK<

So yeah, thought I lost this thing. Nice to find it again. It's been a little while, hasn't it? Yeah, well the last thing I expected happened. Cole is back and Joel is gone. This time, I don't think Joel will ever come back. Barely a goodbye, just gone. But then, who can blame him? Ah well, I have to go with where my heart truly is and of course, that means one person. Cole.

So yeah, things are quiet. Cole and I making it day by day. Little domesticated lifestyle we've settled into. It's nice. Nice and quiet. Yeah.

I've been having this recurring dream about Emily. I don't talk about her much, that part of my life is over with and I think I've finally moved on from the crap she put me through. I mean, hell. I was fourteen when I first met her. She was hired on to help my mom take care of Abby, my baby sister. Abby has downs, and mom needed all the help she could get. With me, Chris, Shane and Ryan all going to school and such, yeah, mom needed some help. Anyway, Emily didn't take notice of me, why should she? She was just out of nursing school and I was this skinny little funny looking kid. I guess she was a pretty good nurse, either that or she wasn't as expensive as others, who knows why my mom kept her on as long as she did. I really don't care. All I know is that when I turned sixteen, she decided that I was suddenly worthy of her attention. Hell, who was I to complain? She was pretty hot, at least to a sixteen year old boy. Slim with big boobs. What more could a guy ask for? Anyway, so she starts paying attention to me. And I'm liking it, a lot. Stopped hanging out after school with my friends to run home to be with her. Not that we did anything, not at first. A little kissing, making out on the sofa while Abby was napping, that kind of thing. But she always took it half a step further each time. Before I knew it, we were doing it as often as we could. And hell yeah, I was having the time of my life. Hell we even did it my parent's bed. Here I was, a sixteen year old kid, bragging about having a twenty something year old girlfriend and telling my friends about the things we did. I was like king of the moment or something. Right about the same time, my mom found out what was going on and fired her. I also started hearing about the others she had been with. Been with while she professed her love to me. Yeah, it messed me up pretty good. Took a big hit to the ego. I mean who wants to hear their girlfriend is fucking half the town? And it turns out, it wasn't just rumor, it was the truth. So that's when Gage and I skipped town and headed to the Pi compound. His dad is a Pi, his brothers, so why not us too? And we fit right in, peas in a pod.

Anyway, this stupid dream I've been having. She keeps coming back and looks like she's trying to tell me something. What, I don't know. Her lips move, and she looks incredibly sad and scared. But I can't hear a thing that comes out of her mouth. I don't know what it means, but it's starting to really bug me that she keeps popping into my dreams. Hell, thought I was rid of her.

Maybe I'll go see Dr. Shannon again.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-09-21 08:07 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, so it's been a while. I've been thinking a lot, mostly about Cole and our relationship. Needless to say, it's been rocky. At first, it was me, Gage and Cole. It was weird, but a lot of fun. That is, until the jealousy started. Gage was gone a lot and I was always chasing after him, and Cole was chasing after me. I'll admit it, back then I wanted Gage more than anybody else. But all of the fighting, physically hurting each other, it was enough. I'd learned my lesson and was ready to settle down. One person. And I chose Cole. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He was always there when I needed him.

But in my ongoing pursuit for something more, Cole has grown to be a lot like I use to be. So, I'm ready to settle down and be with just one person. I have learned over the last couple of months that Cole isn't ready to settle. We had taken so many into our bed that now that's all he wants. I use to be all he wanted, but now, it's not that way.

Cole just can't keep his hands off of other people. I know that's the pot calling the kettle black, but that's just how it is now. A friend of ours came over to visit. I had bought a trampoline for Cole and while I was in the hot sun putting that thing together, Cole was in the house with this friend of ours. So I go inside and who do I catch in the kitchen making out? You guessed it. I laughed and went along with it at first. But truly, it upset me quite a bit.

I made myself scarce for a while after that. Didn't let on that it upset me. Then the daughter of one of Alaric's friends comes to us to be protected for a while. She had threats against her and some of Vicente's and Henri's men nearly got to her. So we made her comfortable and then went on about life.

The more I thought about what I'd seen in that kitchen, the more I realized that I'm just not enough for Cole. First there was the guy in the bar, and now this. I finally get up the nerve to talk about it and God did we fight. I ended up sleeping in the west wing of the house for a while before I called Jay. I just needed to get away and thought he might have a list of people to meet that might want to be bros. Well, no list, but he did know where a compound of Vicente's men were.

So, Akasha and I packed our bags and went on a road trip. After the fight, I didn't think Cole would want to go. I even told him that I was leaving and he just sat there and said goodbye. I called to let him know how things were going. We didn't talk for long though.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have a thing for Akasha. She is beautiful and strong and patient. Through all this stuff with Cole, she's been there. Holding me, telling me it's alright. And I think it will be. I hope Cole can find the happiness he truly deserves. We had hurt each other for so long, it's all we knew. But now, it's time to move on.

I've got my pretty little China doll. She completes me. And she's helping my heart to mend. One kiss at a time.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-09-24 12:22 EST

>CLICK<

Ok ok ok, where to start? First off I just want to say that Akasha turned out to be such a good friend. Trying to make it anything more than that was stupid on my part. She's a very sweet girl and I love her like my sister. She really helped me through some crap that I didn't think that I could have gotten through alone.

That being said, I guess I should go back to what happened. Akasha and I were in New Mexico, near the border. We were scoping out a fortress that was full of Henri and Vicente's men. We did some shopping and tried to fit in like tourists. And things were ok. We looked like a happy couple, and there were tons of tourists down there so that wasn't too hard.

But then Eros shows up. He scuffled a little bit, but being who he is, he was able to grab me and we disappeared from that hallway. Onto a strip of sand in the middle of the caribbean from the way it looked. Anyway he opened up and let me know that he was wanting to put a stop to all of the crap that Henri and Vicente were doing. The plan was for me to go in, disguised, to the fortress and contact a few guys in there that were against Vicente.

Well things didn't get that far. There was something wrong with Cole, I could just feel it. So, using the pendant that Eros had given me, I was able to teleport into the house and went to find Cole. He ta... no, we argued for a long while. And, my temper being what it is, I ended up smashing Cole's face into the wall. His beautiful nose was smashed and blood was everywhere.

I called Gage and he came. He took Cole home and I couldn't stay in that house a moment longer. So I went back to the compound. I need help, there's no doubt. I've got a terrible anger problem and I need to learn to control it. So I sought out Dean. He had helped me before and now was no different. The man is simply amazing in his patience.

Anyway, after about a month, I finally felt like I could be out and amongst the bros. Sitting there eating breakfast and Sean, Gage's youngest brother comes up. We talk and decide to go to a movie.

I won't say what happened in that theater, but oh god... he's hot. So we came back to the house and things were starting to heat up. But then I did something stupid and he left. I thought, that's it. I'm not trying anymore. I do nothing but hurt people. I downed some pills. Maybe a dozen of them, not sure. They say I was out for a good three weeks.

Cole was there, Gage and his husband too. And there sat Sean, by my head as I woke up. I tried to talk to Cole, to work things out. I'll never stop loving him. I'll never be free of him. Anyway, Cole said he was over me the second my fist hit his face. That really stopped me in my tracks.

Cole is over me. I still have a hard time believing it. But to tell the truth, it's like a burden has been lifted from my chest. The last few months of our marriage, Cole and I have been miserable. Not a day went by that we didn't fight. It was horrible. And he doesn't deserve the way I was treating him. So it's for the best that he's finally gotten over me.

Anyway, I took off in my truck. I figured with the choices that I made, there was no real reason to stay. That is, until as I'm driving down the road, some crazy guy on a motorcycle tapped on my window doing 70 on the interstate. Sean's crazy. Maybe that's what I need, somebody crazy.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-09-27 23:46 EST

>CLICK<

Things have been going pretty good since the last time I spoke into this thing. Sean moved into the guest house with me and things are going well for the most part. We've been having a lot of fun. Just the two of us, no sharing each other with anybody else.

That's not really true though. The days are full of Sean. He's larger than life and a spectacular lover. But the nights, when I fall asleep, belong to Cole. I see him in my dreams. Sometimes they're good dreams where he and I did something like horse back riding or swimming or dancing or whatever. Sometimes the dreams aren't so good. Of us fighting, of the time he was so sick in Miami.

I tried to call him on his cell phone. I got voicemail. Was that by accident, or by design, I don't know. Is he avoiding me? I just wanted to talk to him, to say hi and see how he's doing. I do worry about him, I do still care, I do still love him. I told this all to Sean even and he understands.

I'm going up to the main house in a little while. I know he's there, he has been since we broke up. It's time to start mending fences. I miss him, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about Cole. He said he's over me, yes. He made that abundantly clear. So, it should be alright if I go see him, right? Damn straight.

And, as much as I love Sean, this is something I have to do on my own. I have to go see Cole. I have to know that he's alright. I have to stop the dreams.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-03 09:59 EST

>CLICK<

Have to make this a quick one. So much has happened, as it always does. I miss Sean, he's been off working and such. But man, he helped me in ways that I didn't think anybody could. Thanks to him I'm off the drugs. No more weed, blow, hell I've not had a beer in a long time. And I feel better than I ever had. I owe a lot to that guy, he's been such a great friend.

And I'm back with Cole. Well, kind of. It's odd and different and way too complicated to explain in the short time I have here. Just say, that things are going very well and it's been a very good thing. So glad to have him back.

Anyway, we're taking a trip so I have to get going. Just wanted to say hi to my little recorder friend. Things have never been better.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-04 09:56 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, as I sit here, I'm trying to remember the way it all went down. So this may be a bit jumbled, but we'll get through this. First off I want to say that Cole's back in my life and I've never been happier. Things are a little... strange. But, maybe it'll all make sense once I'm done.

So Sean was staying with me, keeping me company and pretty much taking care of me. I was either drunk or high or both for days. And he was there. Can't say as I remember a whole lot of it. I think I came onto him. But anyway, he's a great friend and I'm lucky to have him. He got mad at me for coming home loaded one day. I had some blow in my pocket, enough to last me for a few days. He got hold of it and instead of flushing it or whatever, he took it all. I mean, it seemed like one snort and it was up his nose. How he lived through that, I don't know. But it scared me shitless. He nearly died. My best friend was nearly taken because of something stupid. So that's why I gave it up. I don't want to end up dead.

While Sean was recuperating, Cole had went out of town or something. I'm not sure. From what he says, the story kind of happened like this. After we broke up, after he told me he was over me, he just dragged around the house, moping. Seems he wasn't over things like he had said. But then, I can't blame him for lying about it. If things hadn't changed... things were just too bad, too much crap and he shouldn't have had to deal with it. Anyway, he was moping around and crying a lot. Russ, in his infinite wisdom, told him to quit acting like a girl. Of course, Cole probably pouted and got his little chin to jerking. Next thing he knew, Russ was doing that crazy arm waving and poof, Cole's a girl. Funny thing is, Russ can't figure out how to get him back.

So, now Cole is a girl. We had another fight one night, after all of that. I had taken off to the deli, then came back. There was a taxi in front of my house. I just blew a fuse and WHAM! right into the back of that taxi I went. I bumped my head, and they took me off to be observed. Yeah, spent three damn days in that stupid psych ward. Cole came to see me and I hated to do it, but I acted like the biggest baby ever. Clinging to that teddy bear that Cole gave me and saying things like I'll be good, I promise. Guess they fell for it, I'm at home now.

And Cole is here too. And there's more. Now that he's a she, she's able to... well do all things that girls do. Even become pregnant. Should have used a condom... ah well. So I'm going to be a dad again. At least now my act is cleaned up and I'm with the one I love. Can life get any better?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-18 00:55 EST

The Interrogation

After going back to her room and dressing quickly, Cole went to the store. She bought the strongest of strong truth serums. "Put it in his beer," the woman said "and all will be revealed. Who he truly is and all his secrets."

Cole really hadn't wanted to go this route but it's about time she hears what Dirk really thinks and feels. She even has a tape recorder ready for him. And now she's looking around for Dirk, beer in hand.

Dirk was chilling out in the library, actually sleeping on a leather sofa in there. Book draped over his chest, head leaned back on the arm of the couch. Soft snores come from his nose and lips, his feet, always in those ankle socks, crossed.

Cole peeks her head in when she hears him and walks over, tickling his foot. "Dirk."

"Hmm? huh?" Dirk jerks his foot and sits up, book sliding to the ground. "Oh, hey." he smiles sleepily.

Cole smiles and holds the beer out. "Brought you a beer."

"Oh, thank you baby." he smiles and takes the beer, taking a huge sip. "C'mere and sit with me?"

"Sure." She sits down on the couch. "Had a truth serum in it." She nods and turns the recorder on and sets it aside, out of sight. "Should work quickly too."

The rest is a recording of their conversation.

Dirk: "What?"

Cole: "Had a truth serum in it. It's time that you tell the truth about everything. I have some questions for you."

Dirk: "Baby all you had to do is ask..."

Cole: "We both know that you don't tell me the truth when I ask you questions."

Dirk: "No I don't."

Cole: "So, Dirk. What do you want to come clean about first?"

Dirk: "Sometimes I wear your underwear, your girlie panties."

Cole: "Ok.. I'm thinking more serious stuff."

Dirk: "Like.. what? I slept with Evi more than once." Short pause, muffled. "Oh shit."

Cole: "When?"
Dirk: "Two, three years ago, before me and Gage."

Cole: "What else?"

Dirk: "I don't know what you want to know." Comes out muffled.

Cole: "Who are you in love with?"

Dirk: "You. And Gage. And Noelle. And Tristan. And Ana. And.." short pause. "That's all I can remember."

Cole: "Who do you want to be with?"

Dirk: "You and Gage."

Cole: "And if you could only have one, who would it be?"

Dirk: "Gage."

Cole: "That's what I thought. You felt this way all along?"

Cole: "And I was to bide the time with, until you could be with him again?"

Dirk: "No. I knew that he and I couldn't be happy together. We fight all the time. Regardless if you were in the picture or not. And I can't stand to be alone and he leaves all of the time. I love him, yes I do. And if I could have been with him, I would be with him. But I can't be with him so I fell in love with you. And since I don't have a choice in the matter, you're stuck with me."

Cole: "But you would choose him over me?"

Dirk: "If I had to, yes."

Cole: "Did you and do you want this baby?"

Dirk: "Of course I do!"

Cole: "You want this baby so you and Gage can raise her?"

Dirk: "So we can raise her. You and I."

Cole: "Do you love Joel?"

Dirk: "yes." His tone reflecting irritation.

Cole: "Are you going to let me leave when I pack my things?"

Dirk: "You can damned well do whatever the fuck you please. It's obvious, you proved your point by slipping me a mickey. So much for trust and love. I kept that shit hidden from you to keep you from hurting. Who gives a fuck if I love anybody else. Does that mean I love you any less? Does it mean that I'm in love with somebody and going to leave you? Before you did this, that wouldn't have crossed my mind. But you can go to hell, Cole. Go to fucking hell."

The sound of beer splashing against her face, then a door slamming.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-23 06:34 EST

>CLICK<

So, after the incident in the library, Cole and I didn't speak for days. When we both finally cooled off enough to be civil, we spoke for a while and pretty much laid everything out on the line. I promised to be a good husband and father, and he gave me ultimatums. I can't really blame the guy. Anyway, it was an awkward peace, but peace none the less. I wasn't sure where we stood exactly. I mean, sure, we slept together after that, but damned if it felt like he just didn't want to be there. Maybe it's just me. But who can blame him? Would you want to be with a person who openly admitted to wanting to be with somebody else if they could?

So yeah, I tried to be good. That lasted all of what, three days, tops? I can't remember all that happened at the pool. I just know that when Gage grabbed my legs and tried to pull me under the water, I wanted nothing more than to ravage and be ravaged. But I held my cool and got out of the water. I wasn't suppose to have any feelings for him anymore, remember? Yeah, so much for that.

He and I ended up in his room and in bed. Dummy me thought it might be a good idea if the three of us could try to make a go of things again. With all that we know about why it didn't work before, I was sure it would work this time. It took a bit of persuading, but Gage very reluctantly finally agreed to try. Then it was on to Cole. I just knew he'd say yes. I mean, he loves Gage too, right?

Wrong. Well, not completely. Cole starts screaming at me. I admitted to him that Gage and I had been together that afternoon. Why lie about it? We both had bites on our necks and Cole is far from stupid. He said that was it, no more cheating or lying, he was done with it. I tried to talk to him but there was nothing I could say to calm him.

Truly, I hold him blameless. It was my stupid idea. I truly thought the three of us could be happy. And that's all I ever wanted, was for the people I love the most to be happy. But sharing your heart with more than one person doesn't make anybody happy. Not you, not your partners, nobody. Lesson learned the hard way.

And then Steve and Gage got into it. Steve came to pick Cole up and while Cole was getting his things, Steve called Gage. I wasn't privy to the phone call, but by Gage's expression, it was pretty bad. Next thing I know, there's a rock shattering the oval glass window that Gage loves so much. Gage went flying out of that window and I thought for sure that Steve was a dead man. All that ended up happening is them exchanging some heated words and then Gage pretty much tearing apart Steve's new Ducati. Gage walked off, and Steve waited for Cole.

So after watching this, I wander down the hall and try to talk to Cole one more time. But Cole wouldn't have it. I tried the stupid move of grabbing him up and taking him to my truck. I would have gotten him off of the compound if I hadn't stopped for Gage. I tried to get him to come with us. All that got me was a kick to the back of the head by Cole and Gage getting knocked out as Cole climbed over the seat and slammed the truck door into Gage's noggin.

So Cole's off somewhere with Steve. They're best of friends and I hope that they can heal each other. Ex-husbands club. I can only imagine what they have to say about Gage and myself.

And as for Gage, I'm going to travel with him. Try to get hooked up with his agents and make a go of the modeling world. Last time I went to one of his shoots they asked me to participate. I didn't then, but maybe this time I'll try it out. We'll see.

Gage is my best friend, and right now, that's just what he and I both need.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-26 08:57 EST

>CLICK<

So it's been a few days now and the contacts that Gage gave me have panned out very well. Three photo shoots in four days and this weekend I'm walking on no less than five runways. Life is pretty good, I guess. I've started to make some friendships, the guys are all great and pretty down to earth. Hair and make up is a pain in the ass, but the clothes are pretty cool.

I even met Remy. He's a model from France and we've really hit it off. We're rooming here in the apartment the agency put us up in. He has long auburn colored hair, green eyes and... hell, who am I trying to kid? He looks like Cole. A lot like Cole. Anyway, so we've had some fun in the apartment as well. We hang out, watch movies and have sex.

But, I'm not sure. Remy just seems to complain a lot about everything. Hell, I'm just happy to be here and he acts like the world owes him something on a silver platter sometimes. I try to ignore it though. It's better than being alone.

I will say this. I miss Cole. I think about him everyday. I've caught myself telling Remy that Cole wouldn't do things like this or that. I wonder how he is doing. How Lily is doing. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I should just stop this facade with Remy and give Cole a call. Will he talk to me? I've put him through so much. Would it be fair to even try? I don't know. Am I feeling this because I feel like I owe him something? Feel obliged to be with him because of all the crap I did put him through to try to make him happy? I don't know. All I do know is that when I wake up in the mornings, and that smell of strawberries is not there and that smile is not greeting me, those eyes aren't looking at me, I get such an overwhelming feeling of sadness. It's like I just don't want to get out of bed at all.

So, what am I doing? I don't know. I think it may be too soon to try to get Cole back. I have to get my head straight. If I am not sure of myself, how can I be sure of anything else? Tomorrow Remy leaves for Brazil and I'm staying here to work the runway this weekend. It'll probably be best to just let the situation with Remy die out. I mean really. What was there to begin with?

Another thing, I've not heard from Gage since I left Milan. Maybe I should call him just to let him know that things are going well. Maybe he doesn't want to hear from me either. Is it possible that he feels obligated to me too? What a freaking mess.

Ok, time to go to a fitting. I'll try to sort this all out later.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-26 21:38 EST

>CLICK<

Did a shoot today in the Bahamas. It was nice, but I didn't get to stay there. Had to hold onto and make it look like I was head over heels for this chick. Don't know if I pulled it off, but the photographers and everybody else seemed happy. So I guess it went ok. It was beautiful there, but all I could think about is how I wish Cole were there to share it with me.

So I'm back in the apartment now. The others have left for their different shoots and it's kind of nice to be alone. I'm thinking of calling Cole. I can't take it anymore. I miss him so much that it hurts. I never thought I'd feel this way but damn. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about him.

>click<

>CLICK<

Just got off of the phone with Cole. I can't believe he said he wanted me to come home! Of course, I begged and pleaded and like there was no tomorrow. But it was heartfelt. I just opened up and let everything out. I told him how much I missed him and how I made a mistake in telling him how I thought it was best if I weren't in his life.

He said that he figured I'd have been sleeping with somebody already. He knows me too well. I came clean about Remy. And I was honest. Remy and I had sex once. And I ran to the bathroom to take a shower once it was done. I felt dirty. Yeah well, I guess i was.

Anyway, after I'm done with the show, I'm heading back to see him. I can't wait. I just hope that I don't get dragged into the after party. I have more important things to do than party.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-28 16:22 EST

(Author's note. Dirk has been smoking one cigarette after another after another. Two packs in less than a day and a half. His voice will reflect that with being very hoarse.)

>CLICK<

So I went to get Cole. Thought everything was perfect. We both cried a lot and held each other and things were grand. Said how much we loved each other. Assured each other that we wouldn't let the past repeat itself. That we've both learned from mistakes.

So he leads me into the bedroom, great. The clothes come flying off, the kissing is hot and heavy, touching, all that good stuff. Foreplay, tons of it. But when it came down to the actual deed, well. Cole backed out of it. Said he couldn't. Even cried. I said I understood, and I do. He doesn't want to open up and get hurt again. Sure, I can understand that completely.

It's been days now. Sure, I'm keeping busy with the shows and the fittings and all that goes along with this new career. And Cole is with me, everywhere I go. Still lots of loving going on. Hugs, kisses, touches. But get him secluded and start to have sex? He breaks down and cries or shakes every time. I feel terrible. I really do. I did that to him.

And I am so damn frustrated! God, I am so tired of making love to my hands. He gets me so worked up and then stops. Just, cold stops. He got me so close the other day and then stopped. What the hell? It hurt, actually hurt to even touch myself for a good couple of hours after he pulled that one.

Maybe he's enjoying torturing me. God knows, I've not given him any reason to believe that the past is going to repeat itself. But until then, it's righty on the even hours, lefty on the odd hours. Hell, if what I was always told was true, I'd be blind as a bat and have hair that I can braid on my palms.

Cole... babe, you have to start trusting me. Not just so that we can have sex, but because if the trust isn't there, then what is there? Those thoughts scare the piss out of me. I don't want to be without him. It sucks.

Hmm, what time is it? Almost 5, time for lefty here in about twenty minutes. I am beginning to hate life. This has been pure hell.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-30 15:02 EST

>CLICK<

Was going to do a show the other day and saw Gage's name on the roster. Told my agent no thanks, wasn't feeling good and went back home. Should I tell Cole? I know I shouldn't avoid Gage, we've been friends for as long as I can remember. What would Cole think if Gage and I worked the same show or shoot? I just don't know.

Things are getting better with Cole. Or should I say Nicole? Either way, doesn't matter I guess. I talk to the baby every day. She kicks and makes Nicole uncomfortable when I do, but it's nice to know she hears her daddy.

We're going home for Dean's party and Halloween. Always a big bash. I know Gage is going to be there. How do I avoid that? Guess it's a big enough place. Shouldn't be too hard. It'll be good to see Doug and Noelle and the twins too. I hear Noelle's a good six months along. I can't imagine Doug as a dad. But then, he's been a dad to the twins for how long?

Regrets, yeah, I have a few. I don't regret being with Cole. He's the only person who has ever tamed me. Who has calmed me down and riled me up at the same time. Amazing, he's simply amazing. Yeah, things are going good.

I almost slipped the other day. Cole and I had another fight and of course I took off. I didn't stay gone for long though. Went to the apartment that the agency houses the models and hung out for a little bit. Drank some and asked for some blow or reefer. The guys there said that they're doing mandatory drug testing next week so everybody's trying to stay clean. Ah well. It's for the best. I really don't need that crap in my life.

Things are looking good. Yes they are. I haven't fought with Cole in days and that's a good thing. I guess keeping busy working is helping out on that front too. And the people at the shoots and shows seem to love Cole to death. Maybe too much. Had to whisk him away from more than a few over amorous models and make up artists.

Time for another show to start. Catch y'all later.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-10-31 08:27 EST

(Author's note: Here is the 100th post to Dirk's Random Thoughts. In a week it'll be a year since I started this thing. I just wanted to take a minute to thank each and every one of you who reads this crazy man's thoughts. It's been a wild ride and I'm sure the best is yet to come. A special thank you goes out to my writing partner. If not for him, Dirk would be a very dull boy, indeed. Enjoy the show!)

>CLICK<

So much for avoiding Gage. I was back stage last night, just chilling out and hanging with the other models when I saw him. I checked the card and his name wasn't listed. So why was he there? I didn't know, but I wasn't about to go ask him either. I closed my eyes and let the make up artists do their thing.

So next thing I know, he's right there. Talking to me. I guess the look I gave him was enough, because I hardly said anything before he walked away. I felt bad about it. I mean here is the guy that has been my best friend since God knows when, and now we can't even talk anymore. So, being the person I am, I decided to go apologize and see if there's any remnants of friendship to be salvaged.

I will say this. He makes me nervous to be around. I tried not to let that show, but he knows me too well. As I was sitting down, waiting for the signal to start getting changed into the show clothes, Gage massaged my shoulders and back. And I have to admit, it felt damn good. If he weren't such a good model, I'd say he'd make big bucks as a massage therapist.

Anyway, he starts talking about what could have been. No matter how good the massage felt, I knew it was time to put a stop to it. Of course I love the guy, he's my best friend! But I'm very happy with Cole. And I let Gage know just that. So he gets up and walks away.

The man can make me feel more guilty than I don't know what. I so I follow him and tell him he doesn't have to go. There's nothing wrong with us being friends. I'm tired of the awkwardness and I just want my friend back. Then he says something he should have said long, long ago. Something that should have been said if he had wanted to be with me. If he had wanted me to stay. He said that he wanted to take me away, it be only he and I and that he wanted to take care of me. I told him his timing really stinks. That he should have said that a long time ago.

So the show went on. It wasn't much fun, thinking about what he had said. I just couldn't wait to get out of there and talk to Cole. I wanted to tell him what had happened. I wanted to hold him. Just wanted to be with him.

So I told him what happened. I guess I worded it wrong or something and he starts talking about how if he had never come into the picture Gage and I would be happy together. He said that I was still in love with Gage. I just couldn't believe it.

So we start back to the hotel and I asked if he believed in me. He said believe in what? Talk about having your heart torn out and stomped on. I couldn't take it. It was just too much. So I started running. I would have kept on, but I ran into this lady and got knocked on my ass. Cole came up and asked if I were ok. I didn't answer and he went up to the room.

I followed, after about a half hour of sitting there. I just kept hearing his words. That I chose Cole because he was the safe one. He never once said that he knew I loved him. Not until I pointed that fact out. Then he tried to cover.

I didn't know what to do or say. Here is the man I love more than anybody else in this realm or any other and he's telling me that he knows that I'm in love with somebody else. That he's my second choice. I know what I feel inside. I know who the person is that I want to be with. That I want to share the rest of my life with. Why wouldn't he believe me?

I guess he was right, I did dig my own grave. I've not given him much to trust or to see anything different than what he believed. After a lot of crying and fighting, he finally said he did believe in me, believed in us. We spent the night just holding each other. Not much else was said.

I love Cole. I didn't choose him because he's safe. I didn't choose him at all. My heart did.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-03 16:05 EST

>CLICK<

Got up extra early this morning, don't know why. Cole was still asleep and the house was pretty quiet so I decided to go for a run. Don't know how long I was out, and really wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to where I was going. Don't even know how I ended up at the Dragon, but there I was.

I stopped for a bottle of water. Only safe thing there to drink really. I didn't expect anybody to be there. Was only going to grab the bottle and go, but there were people there. A nice little discussion was going on so I popped a squat and listened for a little bit.

Before I knew it, I was engaged in this conversation. There wasn't anything spectacular about it, just conversation. One of the guys there pointed at me and said I was his. I just shook my head. The only person I belong to is Cole. So that guy got ignored. Sure, I gave him a look. But he wasn't even worth talking to.

So I explained the Frat to this cat girl. Like I said, not the most exciting conversation, but conversation none the less. Once she left, I spoke with this guy about professional wrestling for a while until he too left. So that left me by myself and sure enough, I was out of there.

So I get home and everybody's still asleep. I slipped out of my running gear and got a nice long shower in. Slipped into bed beside Cole and snuggled to him. Fell asleep for a few more hours until he woke up. We spent some quality snuggling time. It was great.

So a good morning, all in all.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-07 14:16 EST

(Note: Dirk's voice is a bit slurred and he may jump from subject to subject. He may cry in the middle, laugh, or even just let go for long periods of silence. All will make sense at the end.)

>CLICK<

Cole and I went home for Dean's birthday party. Everybody was good, having fun. Gage and I even had a talk. Friends only. Right. Great. Wonderful. Cole was busy, busy, busy. Gage there, left the door open. Cole's there. Cole's crying, yelling. Over, over over...

Tried talking to Cole. He hurt us both. I hurt us both. We hurt us both. Love, no trust. Trust, no love. Where is my Cole? I want Cole...

Holistic medicine? Not good. No good. Breyden's my room mate. He's a pretty good guy. Poor kid's been in here since he was 13. This place is hell. Pure hell. If I ever get out of here, I'll never cheat again. I don't want to ever end up back here.

They beat us daily. The guards stand around and just wail on us. They think it's funny. They don't stop until either one of us is unconscious or crying. I try not to cry. I hate to see them beating on Brey. He's my friend. They do other things too. Electro eggs. Meds that make us high, then low, then fast, then slow. Meds that make colors then meds that keep it dark.

Is Cole with Dr. Ryan? Was this planned? Does Cole know what kind of place he signed for me to be in? Does Dr. Ryan know? They won't let me even send a letter to Gage, to Jay, to anybody. They won't let anybody come to see me. Why would they? It'd expose just what goes on here.

Breyden. God. He's such a good guy. How could they do that to him? How could his mom, his flesh and blood, do this to him? Money's great, but how the fuck can she sleep at night? Her boy, her baby, her flesh and blood and he's in here for no reason. And she pays them to be so cruel to him.

Then they stick what they call a violent sociopath in a room with the kid. A sexual predator. That's what they've called me. Did his mom want that kind of person in with her son? What was she hoping for?

Cole, God Cole. Sometimes I scream. Can you hear me? Can you hear Brayden? Can you hear anything?

Does he smell like me?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-08 20:15 EST

>CLICK<

So I'm still stuck in this stupid place. I've figured out who got bribed by Brey's mom. Soon as I can get in touch with somebody, I'm going to see if we can't up the ante. Nobody deserves to be treated the way they treat him. And they do it to me just because I'm his room mate. I think they want me to get mad at him for it or something. I guess they think I'm stupid.

Anyway, rooming with Brey has been interesting. The guy is a total froot loop! He has this attitude that he's going to get beaten up and treated like crap, may as well have fun doing stuff before they do it. Like earlier today. He was on his way back from group therapy and completely stripped naked and started running down the halls. Whooping it up and laughing. Took three dudes to pin him down and he laughed all the way back to the room. He's a cool guy.

We've started playing pranks on each other. He put a match into a cigarette and when I went to smoke it, the thing nearly burned my eyebrows. He thought that was pretty funny. So it was my turn next.

It's been pretty freaking cold in here in the mornings. I can see my breath when I get up. Don't know why they haven't turned the heat on, but it's pretty damn cold. And Brey, he sleeps in the nude most of the time. So I devised a little plan. I snuck a spoon off of the tray at dinner time and left it on the window sill. Didn't mention it, or even look at it while we worked out in the room before going to bed. Sit ups, push ups, running in place. Got to do something to keep the body in shape. Anyway..

So the next morning, as usual, I'm up before Brey. I went to the window sill and that spoon was like ice. So quietly I went over and tugged the blanket up just enough to expose Brey's family jewels. Nice set, by the way. He was dead asleep and I took the bowl of that spoon and laid it right on his left nut. You talk about scream!

Oh oh, here he comes.

(the recorder still going, a little muffled as Dirk tries to hide it a bit.)

Brey: Man that was so fucked up!

Dirk: Ow! Hey no punching!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-10 07:06 EST

>CLICK<

So Brey's off to one of his treatments and I'm sitting here alone. You'd think I would start getting use to this but I hate it. I really hate being alone. I start thinking about things that should be left alone.

I still wonder if Cole knew. I don't want to think that he did, but the last thing he said to me was that he was wanting to explore other avenues. Did that mean Dr. Ryan? Did the good doctor know that this wasn't a place where they practice holistic medicine? Do they know about the drugs that are being either forced down my throat or pumped into my veins?

A huge part of me doesn't want to believe that Cole would willingly do something like this to me. But I had hurt him so many times. Is tihs karma or retribution? I wish I could talk to Cole. I just want to hear his voice. I want to hear him say that he had no idea. And I miss him. God I miss him. I miss waking up to the scent of strawberries in my nose. I miss the feel of his warm body snuggled next to mine. And I especially miss the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me when things were good.

Maybe it's all me. No, I know it is. I know that I hurt him too many times. Us breaking up, that was all my doing. I was stupid for ever cheating on Cole. I just didn't have the strength to stop. Not with Gage, not with anybody. I did what others wanted me to do. Not that I didn't enjoy things as they were happening, but I lived too much in the moment.

Anyway, I wrote Gage a letter, asking for some stuff. Smokes, clothes, underwear, that kind of thing. I hope he gets it. It'll be good to hear from him. I miss Gage too. I miss them all. I'd give my eye teeth to see them all. All of the bros, just like the last time I saw them. What a party that was for Dean's birthday.

I can't stop thinking about Cole. I need to. I burned that bridge and I don't think it can be rebuilt. Not like what it was. And truly, do I want it to be like it was? Does he? I had my cake and I was eating it too. And that wasn't fair to Cole. I doubt he'd take me back ever again. I simply don't deserve it.

Brey has listened to it all. He sits quietly and doesn't say a lot about things. I guess that comes from years of being locked up. You learn to listen and trust the person you're roomed with. He's been great. He got me to eat when I didn't want to. We've started working out, and I've started to take care of myself again. It's been a good friendship so far and if nothing else good comes from being in this shit hole, at least I have that friendship.

I hear him in the hall, laughing and calling the nurses and guards names. He's a trip.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-10 23:41 EST

>CLICK<

I guess that Brey and I got too close. Became too much of friends. I don't know why but they moved me into a room by myself. Maybe they just knew how much I hate being alone. And I do. I absolutely hate being alone. I can see him when they take him to treatments and such. I look out the little window, I don't know if he sees me. Ah well. I hope they're treating him better. Poor guy's been through so much.

And I'm going to go stir crazy without cigarettes. God. Already my hands are shaking and I'm ready to bite off the head of the next person that comes into this room. How I wish I could change into the wolf and just force my way out of here. But they've got some kind of protective barrier against magic and other things up I guess. The wolf calls, but he's so distant.

I dreamed of Cole again last night. I miss him like I can't believe. I can't wait until they start allowing me visitors. I hope he comes. I just want to hear his voice and see his face. I know there's no way he knows what he signed me up for. He isn't that vindictive.

Ah well, guess I'm going to try to sleep now. Nothing else to do.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-11 17:23 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, so I'm back in the room with Brey. They moved me out of here long enough for his mom to come and do her yearly inspection and give her kind words of encouragement. More like she let him know, once again, how much she hates him and wishes he'd never been born. The reason they moved me out is because during one of my sessions with the staff psychologist I said I'd beat her ass to within an inch of her life if I ever did see her. Guess they took me at my word.

Brey managed to lift his mom's credit card while she was in the room. I just hope we can get out of here before she discovers that it's gone. From what he says though, she has a purse full of them and probably won't miss it. I hope not. It's going to take quite a bit to get us going to where we need to hide out.

I haven't heard from Gage or Cole. I wonder what they're doing all of the time. I miss them, but I also know that I don't deserve what either of them gives me. I cheated, lied, beat and scarred both of them. Truthfully, I'm ashamed to show my face around them if I ever do get out. I know that they'll continue to offer their love, friendship and support. I just don't think I deserve any of it. Not from them.

Anyway, enough of the crap. Brey and I are making plans to get the hell out of here. I just can't wait.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-12 08:20 EST

>CLICK<

Oh man, we did it! I still can't believe it. We got the hell out of that place. Brey and I are in a hotel about two hundred miles away from that stinking hospital. Wooo! Oh, he's awake. Oh... Brey, say hi..

Brey: "Hi."

Yeah, so Brey comes up with this brilliant idea. We waited until lights out and then got into the air ducts up in the ceiling. I nearly ruined it when a spider crossed my path but Brey took care of that for me.

(Dirk goes silent, the sounds of kissing can be heard, then a soft moan.)

Anyway. God Brey. Oh yeah.. anyway, we got out through the ventilation ducts. Stole a car, dumped it, stole another and went shopping. Going to dump this car too and... Brey, oh yeah. Oh yeah, dump this car and maybe catch a plane to wherever he needs to go to get what's rightfully his.

(Sharp intake of air as Dirk tries to maintain his speech patterns. His voice goes a little deeper though and he fights the moans that are trying to escape his throat. More kissing sounds and Brey is quiet during the entire thing.)

Went to the mall to get fooood. Oh Brey God that feels good!

The hell with this thing!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-14 09:00 EST

>CLICK<

God the last few days have been so messed up. We went to the Frat house a while. I was stupid to think that Cole had anything to do with me being in that asylum. Seeing the look on his face and his body language, his response, I knew I was an idiot to even harbor the thought. So that was good.

I had left Brey at the house with the guys. He was fitting right in, and is now a bro. Was great to see him meet and start to hang out with them. I went to the store for a few things. Told them I'd be back before too long. Well..

I guess the shop owner recognized me. I was wanted for two counts of grand theft auto and another for aiding in the escape of a minor from the asylum. It was enough to get my face on a poster. So here I am, about to pick up some strawberry milk for Cole when a gun is pressed to the base of my skull and a quiet voice telling me to not move.

So here I sit, waiting for my public defender. I haven't called anybody yet, and I'm not going to. I've already spoken with my attorney and he says that they'll cut me a deal if I give up Brey. I told him to go to hell. There's no way I'm giving him up. He fought too hard to get his freedom.

Not sure exactly what's going to happen. His mom is being pretty vindictive about the aiding charge. My lawyer says that she's wanting to add kidnapping to the list of charges. I guess she thinks that'll open my mouth. Sorry lady, won't work.

I'm sure the guys are going to hear about where I am soon enough. Until then, I'm just being quiet and doing what they want. But I won't give up Brey. I hope they all understand.

I had a dream last night. Cole and Brey were together and raising Lily. It was a good dream and I woke up smiling.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-16 12:30 EST

>CLICK<

Brey hired an expensive mouthpiece and they got me out of jail with probation and time served. So, I'm basically a free man. I visit with my PO once a month and all's good. So that's cool.

I talked with my PO and he knows that I'm a model and that I travel extensively. So I call him once a week to let him know where I am and what's going on. He has my cell and if need be he'll call. But there's been no phone calls and that's good too. Glad to be done with all of that mess.

Taking a break from working actually. Brey has several large estates that were left to him by his dad when his dad died. We're hanging out with Cole and Evan in the one in Spain. It's totally cool. The house needs just a little bit of work and it'll be good as it ever was. And Brey seems to be loving being back home. It's good to see him happy.

Cole is doing well. Lily's kicking up a storm all the time and keeping her awake at nights. It's neat to see her belly moving with Lily. The ultrasound that she had the other day showed me how amazing Lily already is. And having Cole around is great. I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him again. We're taking things slowly but it's all alright.

That's about it for now.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-18 10:47 EST

>CLICK<

Life has been pretty peaceful here in the villa in Spain. We play basketball, swim, the grounds are beautiful and I've ran on a different path every morning. So it's all been pretty good. Cole and I are moving closer and closer every day. I couldn't put into words how much I absolutely love this man. He is the most amazing person I've ever met and I'm never letting him go ever again.

Brey and Evan crack me up. I absolutely suck at basketball and Evan owns me every time we get out onto that court. But soon enough, I'll be good too and then watch out! And Brey is just so happy to be at home. He's still trying to figure out how he's going to get his mom to release her hold on his dad's estate. He told me that his dad tried to stay away from his mom before he died. That his mom is mean and cruel and I believe him. I just hope that she didn't get some lawyer to doctor Brey's father's will. We'll see.

Nothing else is happening around here. Just peace and quiet. We're working on getting the pool back to where it was before Brey left. He says he was never allowed to swim in it. It's his pool now, and by god, we swim in it as often as we can.

There's a pond out on the grounds and it has koy fish in it. They're really big and so colorful. I sat there and fed them one morning while I was out running. I swear, I could have put my fist in their mouths! They're so big!

Ok, so I'm rambling on now. I'm actually waiting for Cole to wake up. I bought him a dozen pink roses and left a trail of them from his bedroom to the kitchen. I made strawberry blintzes for his breakfast. I can't wait to see his face.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-22 10:03 EST

>CLICK<

Well I guess Cole and I are as close as two friends are ever going to be. He let me know that is all he wants to be, as far as I'm concerned. I've been avoiding him today, I just don't want to see him. Because if I see him, I'll fall for him all over again. Just friends, I want it to be so much more, but what choice do I have? I can't force him to be with me.

It's funny. Well no, not really. Everything that he's asked of me, I've done. No more drugs, no more cheating... which I shouldn't have been doing anyway. But I stopped those things. I have actually settled down and am trying so hard to be the person he wants me to be. And what do I get for it? He wants to be my friend. Not my lover, not my hsuband, my friend.

Part of me just wants to get up and leave this villa and never come back. I can't be around him and not think of how it feels to hold him, to kiss him, to know that he's mine and I'm his. But, I promised Brey that I'd help out with Thanksgiving dinner and that I'd hang around. And Brey's been a great friend. So, I'm staying until Friday. Then I might leave. I don't know.

So, after our little talk yesterday, I decided to get lit. I grabbed a case of beer, locked myself in the room and drank most of it. Cole got wind of it and took the lock off of my door and pretty much tried to get me to stop drinking by taking the beer away. We yelled at each other, I really don't remember too much of it. I know I ended up puking in the kitchen sink. I think he kept saying stuff about caring about me and Lily deserves a dad who isn't a drunk or a jerk. And he's right, Lily doesn't deserve that. I also promised Cole that I'd be here for her birth. So I guess I'm just going to stick it out here and see what happens from day to day.

Put on my best smile and cook dinner. Watch as he laughs and hugs and even gives his friendly puppy kisses to everybody else. It's what I've got to do.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-23 08:39 EST

>CLICK<

Well, I'm on my way back to the frat house. Thanksgiving was an eventful day and dinner was received well. I tried after dinner to get Cole back, but he said, as he's been saying, that it's over. I just finally give up. So I told him I'd go so that he could live in peace and raise Lily in a peaceful place without the added drama of her father looming over them like a black storm cloud that's waiting to explode.

I was packing my bag last night and Sean stopped in to say hi. We talked for a few minutes and he said he'd come back to the compound with me. I was glad to hear it, I hate to be alone. And Sean has been such a good friend to me. But, as usual, that didn't happen either. I'm driving alone.

The door to my room was open when I was talking to Sean and Gage walks up. He made Sean leave then closed the door. He told me to pretty much stay away from Sean. That Sean didn't need my kind of baggage. I hadn't planned on being together with Sean. He was just riding with me to the frat house. I even told Gage that and he still insisted I stay away from his baby brother. He said he loved me, but I got the warning pretty loud and clear.

For the first time I really cried. I just feel like my entire world has fallen apart and I just couldn't take it anymore. Gage held me as I did and it hit me like a ton of bricks. If I hadn't cheated on Gage all that time ago, he and I probably would still be together. I still love and want that man, I do. Cole was so right about everything. I am just too stupid to see things for what they were. I was so busy fighting to keep what wasn't mine to have in the first place that I lost the one person who would have stuck by me through it all.

But it's too late. Gage has been through too much. Cole has been through too much. We've all been through too much. So here I am. Alone again. I think Gage is right. Nobody deserves the baggage that I carry. Nobody.

I'm not going to the frat house. Not sure where I'll end up. I need a fresh start somewhere that nobody knows me. Just leave my past behind and start new. I've learned from my mistakes. It's time to start living out those lessons.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-24 18:47 EST

>CLICK<

I'm in a little town outside of Flagstaff, AZ. It's been ok. Got a call from my agent that they're wanting to do a shoot in the Bahamas. So I guess that's my next stop. Called my PO and all is cool with him for it.

Cole called and started asking if I could change things and just have been with Gage all along, would I? I told him the truth. If I could go back and change things, I'd never have left Kentucky to join the frat with Gage. All of us were such a great group of friends. Me, Cole, Gage, Olliver, Joel and even Ryan use to hang out with us. And we had it all. It was the best of times.

Later I called Gage. I wanted to make sure that I'm called when Cole goes into labor. He said that he would call. I asked him why he didn't come back to the room the other night. After he told me to wait and that he had to think about things and that he'd be back, he never came back. I told him I wanted to hear from him what he couldn't tell me to my face. So then he said it. He's not in love with me.

But the conversation turned ugly. I told him I got his warning loud and clear and wouldn't pursue Sean. Not like I was going to, but I just wanted him to know that I wouldn't. But then i got stupid and said that if Sean should choose to pursue me, that I wouldn't stop him. That's when Gage got all smug and let me know that Sean is already seeing somebody else. I'm glad Sean's found somebody, I really am. But for Gage to use it as ammunition against me? Please.

So, I guess things are truly over. Cole and Gage, the two people I thought I could never live without, are doing just fine without me. Gage even said that Cole's happy. Happy without me? Well he deserves happiness in his life. I'm just kicking myself that I can't be the one who gave that to him.

I met this chick last night. She was pretty cool, covered in engine grease. I invited her to go with me to the Bahamas. I think she has the stuff to make it as a model and I'm going to introduce her to my agent. I hope things work out for her. She's been pretty cool to talk to. Though she keeps trying to convince me that I'm not a bad guy. She just doesn't know me yet.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-25 18:45 EST

>CLICK<

So here I am in the Bahamas. The island is gorgeous and the weather has been beautiful. Kade's been having a good time. First time she's ever worn a bikini and she looks so cute in it. When I'm not shooting, I'm just spending time with her. Feels like we've been friends forever. And that's cool.

My agent signed her, I am so happy for Kade. I'm sure she's going to go far. She leaves in a little bit for New York to get papers signed and her first photo shoot for her portfolio. She's excited and can't wait. We're both a little sad though. I'm going to miss her. Not sure when I'll see her again but we'll keep up with each other through phone calls, emails, voice mails, text messages, I'm sure.

Next shoot is tomorrow just before noon. So I'll have a chance to take her to the airport and say goodbye. They're bringing in another model for me to work with but haven't told me who. Of course, they probably won't. I mean, I'm nothing more than a clothes rack to them so why should it matter right? There's a reason they call it a cattle call.

Anyway, going to take Kade out to dinner and dancing on her last night here.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-11-27 08:19 EST

>CLICK<

So the new model they brought in was Gage. I was a bit nervous when I saw it was him. But he's a professional, if nothing else, so the shoot went well. Afterwards we hung out for a bit. Had burgers, drank a few beers and watched some movies. It was cool just to hang out again. Feels like I'm getting my friend back.

He invited Cole to come hang out with us. So yeah, that was interesting to say the least. Seems he and I can't be in the same room without a fight. Even when we're trying to be nice, something is said or done and it's right back to fighting again. I hate it, I know Cole hates it, so why do we do it? I guess too much water has gone under the bridge and it's being flooded. I don't know.

Marcia called and now I'm on my way to Hawaii and Maui. As she said, I wasn't in the Bahamas to have a good time, I was there on business. So, I'm off again. I'm thinking of calling Chris or Ryan to meet up with me in Hawaii. I like having friends and family around. Makes the trips less lonely.

Time for a nap. Long ass flight.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-12-06 14:31 EST

>CLICK<

Here I am, in sunny Hawaii. Man it's beautiful out here. I don't have another shoot until after Christmas so I'm thinking of asking G if I can stay here for a while in his place. He's God knows where so it shouldn't be a problem. Nice to have a friend who has homes just about anywhere.

Cole is with me. We've reconciled and things are slowly but surely getting back to normal. The trust isn't quite there yet, but that's something I'm going to have to prove to him one day at a time. Everything takes time and I know that eventually the little remarks and the sideways glances will stop.

He made me go to a doctor to get a physical and tested for every disease known to man. Wasn't a lot of fun to be poked and prodded and I was ready to get up and leave. But this meant a lot to Cole that I do this. The doctor said I'm healthy as a horse and disease free, so far. They took a throat culture and a couple of other things that are going to take a couple of weeks. I'm sure that there's nothing wrong though.

And finally, finally! After all of that, I was able to finally make love to Cole. Oh God! It was even more amazing than I remembered. I just wanted to lay around the house the rest of the day and think about it. Going to have to do it again and again. Never get enough of that.

Anyway, I think I'm going to check out the hot tubs here at the hotel that Marcia got me while I'm here. A couple more shoots and then I'm done. Will be nice to just relax and enjoy a place.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-12-10 08:58 EST

>CLICK<

Ah, home at last. We're at the Frat house for the holidays. I don't have to work until after the new year so we're hanging out here and just being with the bros. It's very cool to be back around them. Cole and I are both loving hanging out and being with our closest friends again.

And, the pranks have started up already. I got Dean and Russ really good the other day. See, a friend of mine is a bouncer at a place called The Bullseye. It's a gay bar and he invited me to come down for a few drinks. He showed me the security room with all the cameras and monitors and other stuff. It's no wonder the place isn't sleazy, if anybody is caught on those cameras doing anything indecent to do in public, they're escorted from the building. So it's pretty cool.

I called Dean and told him a bunch of guys were meeting at the Bullseye to hang out. He didn't catch on to the name and said he and Russ would be on their way. It took forever for them to get there, but the wait was worth it. Dean was oblivious when he walked into the place. He didn't seem to notice anything or anybody around him. Russ, on the other hand, his expression was priceless! And when Dean finally noticed there weren't any women in the bar, and seeing the other guys making out and dancing with each other, oh man!

It gets better though. One of the biggest guys in the bar takes a shine to Russ and put his hand on Russ' shoulder to talk to him. I thought Russ was going to piss himself! He looked to Dean for help and Dean told this guy that Russ was taken. Then he grabbed Russ' hand and just about ran out of that bar. Oh man, I laughed so hard!

So I called Dean to ask him where they were. He said very funny, and to meet me at his place for a present. Yeah, I'm not going there. I'm not going to get my ass whipped. No thanks.

Time to get ready for dinner.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-12-16 12:59 EST

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I left Cole in the capable hands of his brothers so I could go out and get his Christmas presents. I had in mind just what I wanted to get him and I didn't think it'd take me long to go out and get them. I hope he likes what I got for him. It's been a rough year and I just want to show him how much I love him.

So I bought him a diamond pendant. It's S shaped and has seven diamonds on it. Supposed to show how our love has grown over the years. Small one on top, then they get bigger as they go down the curves. It's not much, but I think he'll like it. I'll wait until Christmas morning to give him that.

I also got him some little things, strawberry flavored candies and gums and milk mix and such. All of his faves. A year round pass for the local strawberry farm. That'll be given to him on Christmas day as well.

But the last thing I got him, I had to give to him today. I mean, you can't wrap a caged animal, right? Now, I don't know if it's the same one, exactly, but I went out and found a Snookers. The fucker bit me three times when I was carrying it home. Son of a bitch has some nasty ass teeth! But then I brought it to Russ and he was able to calm it and put a spell onto it that made it as tame as a kitten.

So Cole's out with his brothers in the hot tubs, just hanging out. I told Cole I had something for him and to come with me. I made sure he was dressed warmly as we were going for a walk down to the guest house that he and I use to live in. There's a little squirrel house there.

See, a while back I had built this house for the squirrels. It is a miniature of the Pi house, with heaters and everything inside. Well the squirrels don't come around, so I thought I'd have a chain linked fence built around it when I came up with the idea of getting Cole another Snookers.

So I take Cole by the hand and we walk down to the house. Of course Cole is full of questions and so excited about what I may have gotten for him. And I made sure I walked as slow as I could. Even stopping a few time for some strawberry flavored kisses. I just loved keeping him in suspense.

So we finally get there, and of course Snookers is in the house. I mean it's warm in there. There's food and water in there for him too. I opened up the gate to the chain link fence and we both went inside. Cole looked a little disappointed. He'd seen the house before. I told him that his present is inside. Immediately he went to his knees and was searching in each little window.

When he saw Snookers, I thought he was going to faint. His eyes got really wide and he sucked in his breath. When he looked up at me, he had tears in his eyes and he started laughing. He hugged me and gave me one of the best kisses ever, then he was quick to try to get Snookers out of the house. Once he had a hold of him, there was no seperating him from the little guy. And Snookers had on an olive green bow around his neck. So Cole loved that too. It was great watching him with Snookers.

So now, I'm sitting alone, cleaning the bites on my hands and he's off showing Snookers off to the other bros.

Merry Christmas, Monkey Man. I love you.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2007-12-19 14:36 EST

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Christmas is almost here and it's been the best one so far. Cole and I have never gotten along better. And now the others are starting to come home. It's great to see them all. I was a bit nervous about G coming back, but even that turned out way cool.

He came back home and did he look good. Bringing a friend with him, Cole and Tomas hit it right off. And while Cole gave him the guided tour of the place, G and I took a walk.

We went to the guesthouse to look at Snookers, he couldn't believe I got Cole another one. We laughed about that for a little bit and just talked about life in general. Was nice.

Then we went to the hot spring and had a nice long soak. More talking, just catching up really. Feels like my best friend is back. And I've never been happier.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-02 10:19 EST

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What a day! I still can't believe it and I have to keep going over to the crib to look down and see for myself. Lily has made her entrance into the world yesterday! My baby girl is finally here. And if I do say so myself, she's quite the stunner. My blond curly hair, Cole's beautiful eyes and mouth. Yeah, so the kid is stuck with my honker. But that's ok, she's still beautiful.

And Cole is doing so great. We spent the day cuddling and snuggling with Lily. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy in all of my life. My little family, God, I think I'm going to cry. I've never been this happy or content in my life either. It's an amazing thing to me.

Here's what happened. Cole and I had went to the mall on New Year's Eve. He was feeling restless and wanted to be out and about. And what Cole wants, damn right I'm going to give it to him. We split up for a little bit, I went to look at some new silk shirts and he went to go look at some other stuff. When I found him, a guy was checking him out and Cole was checking the dude out! So yeah, I got jealous and dragged Cole out of the store. He thought it was hilarious. He just wanted to make me jealous. Well I had to laugh at myself. I mean really, Cole and I are tighter than we've ever been. But, being the person I am, I gave tit for tat. I just glanced at a guy. Looked at him for a second, then back to Cole. Boy did he get mad! He went stomping off, throwing his arms around and pretty much pouting. So I picked him up and started carrying him around. He can't stay mad when I kiss him, so that's what I did.

We ended up in the truck, and really, don't need to go too much further into that. On the way home though, Cole started talking about being sick to his stomach and that his back hurt. I asked him to change so that I could see Lily. He did and sure enough, he was in labor. I started firing questions off, and that scared him even more.

So I get him home and with the help of my brothers, Lily was born. She is perfect in every way. Tiny, she was two months early, but the doctors say that she's perfect in every way. Hell, I could have told them that. She is perfect.

So here I am, sitting in a rocking chair, holding my sleeping daughter, looking over at my sleeping husband and talking to this thing.

Happy, very happy.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-07 06:49 EST

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I just got back from my morning run. I've been cutting about ten minutes or so off every morning so that I can be there when Lily opens her eyes and says hello to the world in the mornings. Already she has Daddy wrapped around her little finger. An amazing and tiny thing, she's beautiful.

Things have been quite peaceful between me and Cole since Lily was born. Was it because of her? Who knows? But why question it? It is what it is and we've never been happier. We share diaper duty and everything else, almost, when it comes to taking care of her. Cole, of course, takes care of feeding her. And that, in itself, is a pleasure to watch.

With both of us taking care of her, we're not going to rely on Ashleigh to watch her. Ash has her hands full as it is for one. And two, Cole and I are planning to leave for Brey's when Lily gets a little bigger. Though Ashleigh pouted about not having Lily in her charge, like she does the other children, she understood. Good girl, Ash.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-10 15:17 EST

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Life's slowly getting a rhythm back to it, Lily has set our schedules and all is good. It didn't take her long to get out of the waking every couple of hours routine and now lets us sleep for a good four hours at a time. She sleeps in our room, and if I had my choice, would be right there in the bed with us.

But, we've read where that isn't such a good idea. That one or the other of us could roll over onto her and that would be bad. So in her basinette beside our bed she stays. Sometimes I could just sit and stare at her for hours. She truly amazes me.

I see so much of Cole in her. The way she sighs, the shape of her eyes, even the pout of her little mouth. I think it's easy to say that she has her daddy wrapped around her little fingers.

Cole has been great. And we've made love for the first time since Lily was born. Talk about being in heaven. I love him so much. How did I ever live without him?

My family.. sounds sappy, but I can't be any happier.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-13 16:24 EST

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What a freaking dream. I dreamed that I got a call from Marcia, one of the guys called out sick just before a show, emergency appendectomy she said. So, I was needed to replace him at the last minute. I hated being called away from Cole and Lily so soon, but she tripled my pay for this. So I went.

Got there and to the hotel. Imagine my surprise to see Gage walking down the hall in nothing but a towel. Holy cow man. The man is so damn hot. So, he's rooming next to me. That was cool.

I set my stuff into my room and knocked on the adjoining door to Gage's room. He opened it up and we went straight to it. It was like we'd never been apart at all. To be held and kissed and touched by him, my body never lost the memory of that. And to be manhandled by him. Nobody can do that to me. Nobody but him. He completely dominates everything and I loved it.

Scares me, it felt so damn real.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-14 12:45 EST

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Same dream, well almost. It's starting to wig me out. I'm thinking of going to Dr. Shannon and talking about it. It's like I picked up right where the last dream left off, really.

It started with a wake up call at six a.m. And waking up in Gage's arms, yeah that was very nice. Felt like old times.

We made love before either of us got out of that bed. Sometimes he's rough and other times he can be gentle and caring. This morning, it was soft caresses, whispers of "I love you," and warm kisses. A very nice way to wake up, if I do say so myself.

Then it was time to shower, sh!t and shave. We hurried through our morning routines, except I didn't go take a jog around the block. There was no time for that. We dressed and headed out to the endless hours of fittingg, rehearsals and dress rehearsals. Make up artists and hair designers going over with us what they had intended for tomorrow's show.

Funny thing about all of that is that they want us there super early, and then we sit, sometimes for hours, and do nothing. Usually it's a bore and I listen to my iPod or read. But today it was pretty cool. Gage and I hung out, even snuck away for some alone time. We wouldn't risk having sex at a show, but making out is always nice.

We had lunch at a small cafe near the hotel where the show will be taking place. It's cool how, even in foreign places such as Milan and Paris, you can always find a restaurant that specializes in American food. I had a T-Bone and Gage had prime rib. Was really good too.

Then back to the hotel for more fittings and general boredom. We goofed around with a few of the other models. What can I say? Get a bunch of guys together who have nothing else to do and the practical jokes start up. Gage and I both cracked up when we had a chick call Remy up and claim she was having his baby. It was great! He looked like he was ready to throw up.

After we left that hotel, Gage and I went to a restaurant for dinner. Steak and lobster, yeah baby. Was great food! I swear, I haven't been that stuffed in ages. Then we went to a club and danced for hours. For such a big guy, the man can move. He makes me look like I'm just learning the Hokey Pokey for the first time. He's a beautiful dancer.

So then we decide to go back to the hotel. It was about 2 am, and we were both pretty exhausted. We fell into bed and just held each other for a while. His kisses and touches always set me on fire. We made love once more, rough and intense. Then we both fell asleep.

So here I am, the morning after, getting ready for a morning jog. Even though we were up way late, I need to go out and do some running. Then it's going to be a busy day with the show.

Much more detailed and intense than the first. I'm almost dreading the next. What if I talk in my sleep?

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-15 00:19 EST

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Another dream. This one, terrifying. Cole found out. He listened to my recorder and found out. He didn't do his usual of stomping his feet, throwing things, calling names or slamming doors. So I knew it was a dream.

Kept trying to make love, and it didn't happen. He wanted it, we both did. But it didn't happen. So we talked. He seemed almost happy while we were talking. Said he was having a baby. Yeah, floored me.

Then he said that I could expect divorce papers. And all of this said so calmly, like he was discussing the ocean's waves or something. It was eerie.

I picked up Lily then and took her out to the living room to watch tv. Funny thing is, that's where I woke up this morning, with Lily on my chest.

Am I going crazy? Am I sleep walking or talking?

I need to see Dr. Shannon.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-27 11:25 EST

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Been on the road for a few weeks now. Fashion week has me going between Milan, Paris and New York, Singapore and even Sydney. I'm just so tired. I can't wait to get home. Been away from Cole and Lily far too long. God I miss them so much. Maybe I should give up modeling. I don't know.

Sure I'm busy during the day. Fittings, rehearsals, dress rehearsals, shows, the hair, make up and even talking and hanging around the other guys and even the girls has kept me occupied during the day. But at night, alone in my hotel room, I think about Cole and Lily and wonder what they're doing.

I need to call Cole, but it'll be three in the morning. My schedule is so screwed up. I just want to go home. I want to hold Cole and Lily in my arms and never let them go. God, I'm f*cking crying. It just seems so empty without them with me.

They're my life and I work so that they can have the very best. I guess I know how Gage felt when he and I were together and he was the one gone to work for days, even weeks at a time. The only difference is, I know Cole won't find somebody else. I believe this in my heart. I cling to it as if it were a lifeline.

I just want to go home.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-01-28 09:16 EST

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So I was at an after show party for some smaller designer. He is a friend of Marcia's so of course she sends her top guys to this show to help him out. Me, Remy, Chuck, a few others too. I thought the guy was going to piss himself when we walked in. Anyway, back to the party.

So I'm at the party, just sitting at the bar, having a drink and minding my own business. I really didn't want to be there and was about to slip out. It's been that way, I go to the after party, stay long enough to take a few pictures, then I slip out and go back to the hotel. Anyway, that's what I was about to do, make my escape.

As I got up, Remy walked over. This guy has balls, I swear. He has the nerve to tell me while the cat's away the mice should play. He wanted me to go to his hotel room with him. I told him no thanks and walked away from him. Next think I know, he's grabbing my arm and trying to turn me around.

Now, by this time I've had a few drinks. Remy was really starting to piss me off. I grabbed his hand off of my arm and squeezed hard. I mean he yelled at me to let go, that I was hurting him. I told him to leave me alone and turned to walk out of the party. But could he leave me alone? Oh no, this is Remy, superdickhead.

As I'm walking away, he lunged at me, grabbing me around the waist and pretty much knocking me down to the ground. I bit my lip and it started to bleed. That's when I completely lost my temper. I rolled over, grabbed his face between my hands and head butted his million dollar nose. Of course he screams and blood is now gushing everywhere.

Too much attention drawn to us already and as he was laying on the ground holding his face, I got up, ready to leave again. But Marcia wouldn't hear of it. She stopped me and was giving me a lecture. I apologized to her, I had damaged what she considers her investment. I had no idea the hotel owner was going to do what he did.

When Marcia was finally calming down and tending to Remy, the hotel owner called the police. Marcia freaked out when they showed up and, yet again, put me into handcuffs. They took me to their little jail and there I sat for a few hours, just thinking. Thinking about Cole and Lily mostly. This never would have happened if I just went back to work at the Deli instead of being off, globe trotting.

Marcia got Remy and the hotel owner to drop charges on me. Of course, I had to switch hotels, the owner didn't want me in his hotel. Oh well.

Tomorrow's a new day. Let's see what kind of fun we can have, shall we?

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-02 19:15 EST

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When your heart is all alone
Every second seems so long
When it's just you, you can't see through
Those ol' clouds that rain so blue

But when somebody loves you
There's nothing you can't do
When somebody loves you
It's easy to get through
When somebody loves you
The way I love you

When it's late, the sun hangs low
By yourself, nowhere to go
Sing song, you dance alone
Play solitaire and stare at the phone

But when somebody loves you
There's nothing you can't do
When somebody loves you
It's easy to get through
When somebody loves you
The way I love you

So let's put aside our foolish pride
and let our hearts say hello
We both agree we're just no good
At bein' on our own

'Cause when somebody loves you
There's nothing you can't do
When somebody loves you
It's easy to get through
When somebody loves you
The way I love you

The way I love you

Now I don't listen to country much anymore, but when that song came on, I just had to record it. I'm going to let Cole listen to it. I miss him so much. I can't wait for Fashion Week to be over.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-03 11:46 EST

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So yesterday started out like any other day. Wake up, morning jog, then shower, sh!t, and shave. Big breakfast with the other models that Marcia has working, she cooked it herself and it wasn't half bad. Then it was off to the hotel the show was being held at.

They did the usual of making us stand around and wait while the stage crew was setting up the stage and facades. Last minute fittings and talking to the hair dressers and make up artists. Was pretty dull and I got into a game of poker. Won a little bit of cash, not much but enough. The guys really didn't want to play or talk to me. I've been a grouch a lot lately.

They called for lunch and I wasn't too hungry so I ate a salad and had a t-bone steak with a baked potato. Then back to the hotel to get ready for the show. More waiting. I think this industry must have a copy right on waiting. Anyway, it's finally my turn in the chair for the hairdresser. They'd already applied what little make up was needed to even out my skin tone. The make up artist yelled at me for being out in the sun too long yesterday and letting my nose and cheeks get sunburned. Get over it b!tch. Anyway, so I'm listening to my iPod and the chick doing my hair has so much crap in my hair that all I can smell is the sickening sweet perfume from the hairspray, gel, and mousse that she put in it. What a God awful pompadour.

She finished and since I was the last one, I stayed in that chair and listened to my music. I even almost fell asleep. But then I felt something hit my hand. Like I said, I've been a grouch so I yelled and started looking around. That's when I saw the one person I've been wanting to see since Fashion Week started.

Cole came to see me. Oh man, I was so glad to see him! I picked him up and we kissed and laughed and just held each other. We even almost started to make love when I got tapped on the shoulder. Damn Mario and his freaking show schedule. I wanted my husband!

So Owen, one of the stage hands, took Cole out to lunch while I was getting dressed. I did my thing on the cat walk, and then it was over. As I was getting dressed, Cole comes back with Owen. I had wanted Cole to stay and watch, I even had a hand signal that I was going to throw for him to see while I was on the cat walk. Oh well.

He had a good lunch and that's cool. We went back to the hotel and I stopped the elevator and was all over Cole. But it didn't seem like he wanted me to be that way. He was worried that I hadn't eaten in a few hours. So I started the elevator back up and we got to the floor, then into the room.

We talked for a little bit and I think we were both on edge a little bit. He said he didn't want to fight. That was all we did anymore. And he's right. When I left Rhydin to start working at the photo shoot before Fashion Week started, that was all we pretty much did.

I told him I didn't want to fight either. I just wanted to make love to him. And we did. All night long. I don't think either of us wanted the night to end. It felt great holding him and cuddling. Whispering softly and touching each other. He fell asleep and I watched his face as he dreamt. He has the most angelic smile.

So then I fell asleep, but I'm so use to being up at the butt crack of dawn, I'm awake before he is. I slipped over to the adjoining room and talked to and played with Lily for a little while until it was time for her to eat. I let the wet nurse take over and came back into the room where Cole is sleeping.

And that's where I am now. Watching the most beautiful creature ever to walk as he sleeps peacefully. I love my husband, I love my daughter. I'm dreading them going back home. Maybe I can convince them to ride the week out and we can go home together.

Maybe.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-04 14:21 EST

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Where to start? Beginning I guess. Everything happened so fast, hard to remember just where and when everything got started. Yesterday started out great, pickle tickle to and from the husband, little baby belches from Lily and then a show. Cole stayed behind at the hotel to wait for me. I never got there.

Gage was at the show. He and I have a long history of fighting, picking and joking around. He says that Owen is bragging about being blown either to or by Cole. Doesn't matter. was a f*cking lie and it pissed me off. I took Owen down and was in the process of beating the living sh!t out of him for talking and saying sh!t about Cole. Nobody spreads lies and rumors about him. Nobody.

Gage pulled Owen away and I hit the ground with my fist. Marcia and the stage manager kicked me and Gage out. I pretty much told them what they could do with their stupid line of clothes and we left. Got into the limo, of course Gage has to have the very best of everything, right?

Don't ask me how or why, but somehow I ended up sitting beside Gage. In that big limo, I ended up right beside him. I think the driver was swerving around or something. Anyway, a touch led to a kiss. Might have led to more than that if we hadn't been T-Boned by a delivery truck. Did Henry the driver run a red light? I really don't know.

T-Boned, then smashed in the back by another car. I thought it was over then. But far from it. Gage screams to grab hold and then WHAM! Smacked again. I felt like a rag doll just being tossed around. Luckily I landed on the furthest back seat. I didn't even know my head had been cut open and there were scrapes and scratches all up and down my back, neck, face, arms and legs. But I wasn't the one who got the worst of it.

Gage's head went through the privacy glass and opened up the side of his neck. I did what I could, and the paramedics did what they could. But he flat lined in the ambulance. There he was, laying there. My first love, my first male kiss, my first everything. And I felt helpless. I was losing him. I just freaked out. They got him back, took him to surgery.

They kept me in the ER and stitched me up. I don't want to know how many stitches. I called Tomas, Cole, everybody. And then just sat there waiting to hear news on Gage.

Throat's dry, I'll continue this in a minute.

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Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-04 14:55 EST

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Ok, where'd I leave off? Oh yeah. So Cole gets to the hospital and we snuggle and talk for a while. Was so good to just hold him and know that my entire world hadn't been just turned on it's ear. They gave me a couple of Valium to calm me down. I think it calmed me down too much because I let slip all that Gage and I had talked about in the limo. We talked about how we both still sit up at night and wonder how the other is doing. That there is still love in each other for the other and that it won't go away. We also talked about how much that conversation would hurt Cole and Tomas. That we should stay away from each other so that the people we were with and loved didn't get hurt any more than they already have been.

But then the accident happened and it seemed like that we would be seperated, by a gravestone. Anyway, I told Cole everything, about the kiss, about the conversation and he was more than just a little upset. He left my room and I curled up and fell asleep. I didn't want to think about anything. Gage was in surgery and might be dead. Cole was gone, he's done with me, I'm sure of it.

So I get woken up by Tomas. He was crying and hysterical about Gage running off. That Gage had told him everything too. That Gage left the hospital because Tomas said he wouldn't be Gage's whore. Man, I feel so bad about all of this. Like I told Cole, if I hadn't beaten the snot out of Owen, Gage and I wouldn't have been in the limo at that particular moment in time to get T-Boned. If ever a man felt guilty, it was me.

Anyway, I left the hospital and went searching for Gage. He was bleeding pretty heavily and wasn't hard to trail him. When I found him he was very pale and his breathing was shallow and rapid. My best friend and the man that I have loved all this time was sitting against a tree, dying. I begged him to come back to the hospital, to let them transfuse a pint or something. He refused. He kept talking about how he had failed in all three attempts at marriage. How he had wronged Tomas. I tried to convince him that he could get Tomas back, but he wouldn't listen.

I thought maybe if he fed, he would get better. I killed a buck and tore off meat to feed to him. He ate a little and seemed better. Tomas showed up and I left for a little bit. But then I heard Tomas scream. I came running back and Gage... Gage had died.

I can't tell you how much that killed me. A part of me died right then and there when I saw his body slumped against that tree, vacant eyes staring off into nothingness. I grabbed him up and went to the edge of the woods near the hospital. Tomas called Cole and told him to meet us. Tomas was hysterical. He couldn't stop crying. I just wanted to get G home.

Cole shows up and goes to his knees in front of Gage. Russ shows up out of nowhere and somehow, they brought Gage back. For a brief moment, before he came back, I swore I felt a soft touch to my shoulders and something whispered into my ear. I swear Gage was speaking to me. And it was a comfort. And then, he was back.

Russ was sweating and he fell back, almost ready to pass out. Cole just sat there, stunned and looking exhausted. Tomas curled himself around Gage and kissed him over and over again. I went over and held onto Cole until he started screaming at us.

He said that we're all crazy for continuing the way we are. That it was obvious that Gage and I wanted each other so why fight it anymore? Well, he didn't say exactly that, but that's how it felt. I can't blame Cole for not wanting me anymore. By now he's worked up a full head of "I hate Dirk" steam and wanting nothing more to do with me. But I can't blame him. How many times have I cheated on him with Gage? And it's always Gage.

Cole and Tomas left. Tomas kind of scared me. After all that screaming and crying he did, he was cool as a cuke when he grabbed Cole's arm and led him to the car. They went to a bar for a beer or ten and probably cursed me and Gage ten different ways of Sunday.

Gage and I, well, I woke up in Gage's arms this morning. What's done is done and there's no turning back now. I will always love Cole, there's no getting around that. But I'm with who I was destined to be with, and that's just how it feels.

I'm going to call Cole in a little bit and set up visitations for Lily. I don't want her to forget her Daddy D.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-05 08:17 EST

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Crazy these last two days have been completely nuts. I called Cole last night to see how he was doing and to find out when I can come and get Lily so I can spend time with her. We got into it on the phone. He made me lie to him. He made me say that I never loved him and that he was just a stand in until I could be with G again. I guess I could have just kept on telling him no, I won't lie to him like that, but I have a hard time telling Cole no.

He started sobbing and then next thing I know, I'm getting hung up on. So I got dressed and headed over to the hotel. I wanted to see Lily. True, I wanted to make sure Cole was alright, but I wanted to see my daughter before Cole took her back to Rhydin. On the way to the hotel, Marcia called and said that the hotel manager, Owen and the designer were threatening to sue her over the fight I got into with Owen. So, she fired me. I was too much of a liability to her. Whatever.

I called Sadie and asked for my old job back. She was more than happy to give it and I start back to the deli as soon as I get back to Rhydin. Joy of joys.

So I get to the hotel, and there's Gage, on his knees. Right there, in the hallway with Cole and Tomas in front of him. I swear, it looked like he was proposing marriage to them. Come to find out, he came to beg forgiveness from Cole and Tomas. Tomas looked angry. He didn't want to have anything to do with Gage at first. Cole just looked surprised. And I just stood there and watched for the most part.

How do we fix things so that nobody gets hurt? So that everything is right again? The answer to that is you can't. No matter how hard you try, no matter how good your intentions, somebody is bound to get hurt. Nobody was listening to a word I said, so I slipped out of the room and went to say goodbye to Lily. After that, I waited in the lobby. I knew G wouldn't be too long.

And I was right. I snagged him from behind by his jacket and pulled him back into the elevator. We talked for a long while, trying to figure out what it is about each other that draws us together. Really, who can put their finger on it? Doesn't matter. after a long discussion, we agreed that I was going to try to get Cole back and he was going to try to get Tomas back.

We get close to the room and Gage balks. He says he can't do it, that Tomas had asked him to stay away for a while so that they both can get their heads on straight. I called him a coward for not taking the bull by the horns and just going in there and sweeping Tomas off of his feet. We argued a little bit and then he left. I knocked on the door and waited for Cole.

Once he opened the door, I rushed in and picked him up, squeezing him to my chest. I told him that I wasn't letting go until Cole said that he forgave me for what I did to him. Tomas just ran out of the room. He and Gage are probably somewhere in Spain, doing whatever. I'm glad for them.

Cole and I spent a very busy night. Made love over and over again. I woke up in the arms of my husband this morning. He still hasn't said he forgives me. And I truly don't expect him to forgive. Not yet anyway.

But someday, I hope so.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-11 07:48 EST

>CLICK<

Yesterday was one of those days that you just go with the flow and don't question a thing. It started off with Cole getting a phone call at the butt crack of dawn, from Jessie. I didn't hear all of the conversation, but I got the gist of it. Jessie and Gage were back together. I don't know why it made me so mad to hear it, but it did. I was just... pissed.

So the rest of the day, I sat and stewed about it. I felt bad for Tomas. I mean dumped twice in as many days. That has to leave a mark on your psyche. And I bet the poor guy is still running the club that he and Gage opened in Brussels. It's sad when you think about it.

And I thought Setheus and Jessie would last forever. They seemed well suited, but then I don't know the particulars about them. Who knows what could have caused Jessie to leave Setheus for Gage. Ah well, guess it's not my place to worry about it. Or, so Gage told me.

While I was out running, I stopped to call Gage and just finally give him a piece of my mind. Come to find out, he's at one of the guest houses, packing his stuff to move to Arkansas. So I go to confront him and truly, I don't remember all that was said, only that I punched G in the jaw. What he did next surprised me. He did nothing. Of course he said a few things, I said a few thing, he told me it was none of my business. So, I left, kicking one of his shirts.

A few hours later, he calls me. Says he wants to settle things in the ring. I was fine with that. Cole said I was silly to do it, and he's more right than I let him believe. It was a silly thing to do.

So Cole and I meet up with Gage and Jessie in the gym. Jessie and Cole started talking while Gage and I were exchanging blows. Next thing I know, Cole's straddling Jessie in his chair. They were both fully clothed, but it led to a make out session. Usually, something like that would ignite my temper and punches would have been thrown.

But last night, I don't know. It just seemed... natural, for lack of a better term. Gage asked what we should do. Really, what else was there to do but go with it? I mean Cole would be miserable if I started down that path of jealousy and hate again. And truthfully, I would too. Nothing worse than being jealous and mad at everybody all the time.

Gage and I kissed, then we headed up to our room. Nothing needs be said about what happened up there. Just say that we all had a good time.

So, Me, Gage, Jessie and Cole are going to try to make a go of it, again. This time it's going to be different. This time, we know not to keep secrets and to communicate with each other.

Time to start getting packed and I had another thought. Imagine Lily at sixteen and a boy comes calling. Gage and myself on the front porch with shot guns! My poor little girl is never going to get married.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-14 14:21 EST

>CLICK<

Valentine's day and Cole's MIA. We see each other in passing, but he's always running off in a different direction. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was avoiding me. And I don't know why.

Well, maybe I do. He told me and Jessie to go ahead. Afterwards is when Cole started to walk away from me. Now it seems like he's running. If he didn't want us to, if he doesn't want what he seemed so happy with just days ago, all he has to do is say so. If he wants it to be just he and I, nobody else, I'm happy with that. I just wish he'd talk to me. I miss him.

Went downstairs and caught Rhy and Cook in the kitchen, whipping up a nice little dinner for Dean. I'm happy he has somebody to dote on him like Rosie use to. He deserves the best and it seems that Rhy is doing everything that she can to show how much she loves him. I am truly happy for Dean. However, and I won't say this to her because I don't want to hurt her feelings after all the work she went through. She put rose petals everywhere. I just hope it doesn't bring a sadness to their Valentine's dinner. That's what he called Rosie, Petal.

Anyway, not much else to say. I miss Cole like no tomorrow. He's even not sleeping in the same room as us anymore. I guess he thinks I don't notice things like that.

When he's ready to talk, I'll be here.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-15 12:15 EST

>CLICK<

Cole finally came to me to talk about what's been bothering him. Seems my having sex with Jessie really wigged him out. He was so use to us hating each other that us being nice was something he didn't expect. It bothered him that I was smiling a certain way. I explained to him that I was doing what I thought he wanted me to do.

He asked if I wanted him to stay away from Jessie or Gage. Heck no. Watching Cole do anything, much less making love, is like poetry in motion. He can move his body and do things like no other can. He has a natural grace to his movements. Besides, I can see and feel the love that he gives to each of us and I would never deny Jessie nor Gage that.

So, things are better. I told Cole that whatever he wanted me to do, I'd do. We're still moving to Arkansas. I promised to keep my hands off of Jessie. And that's cool.

Time to change Lily's diaper.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-15 23:04 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, I'm back. Lily's down for her nap. She's such a tiny little precious thing. Cole says she looks like me. I think she looks like Cole. Either way, she's such a beautiful little girl. And, I guess I'm just a proud daddy, but I think she's absolutely perfect. No way I'm going to let her grow up to be like her old man here. She's going to have manners and take ballet. Maybe even voice lessons. I don't know, but my girl's going to be brought up right and not a hell raiser.

Hmmm... Oh! I almost made the biggest jerk of myself the other night. I had whipped up some chocolate covered strawberries and stored them in the big fridge up at the main house. I was going to surprise Cole on Valentine's day with them. Even put long green sticks into them to make it look like long stemmed roses. Anyway, I go to pick them up and I pass by Dean and a woman having dinner. I stopped and did a double take. Last time I remember seeing her, Dean's woman had blue hair. This chick he was with had pink hair and was wearing this skimpy little number. I thought to myself, what is Dean doing hiring one of Bella's girls when he has Rhy? I mean, of all of us bros, he's the only one, I think, who never had utilized their services before. So I was very surprised. Then she turned just enough, and it was Rhy! I forgot the strawberries and high tailed it out of there before either of them saw me. Man, I need to apologize to her the next time I see her.

Other than that, life is getting back to normal. We leave for Arkansas in a few days I think. Should be a good trip and I can't wait to get going. I'll have to talk to Gage and figure out when we're going to move.

Been a long day, time to hit the sack.

Goodnight, little box.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-22 14:31 EST

>CLICK<

We're out camping with a bunch of the guys from the Frat. Pretty cool hanging out with everybody. Every night there's a huge fire built that we all sit or stand around and tell stories, sing songs or just hang out. It's been a lot of fun and very relaxting.

Last night, Gage almost beat the snot out of Brandon. Would have been interesting to watch. While Brandon's buff, I don't think he knows the first thing about defending himself, really. The boy needs to learn to pick his battles. Gage had picked up, literally, Brandon's girlfriend and Brandon got all pissy about it.

Luckily, for Brandon, Dean showed up and broke it up. We all had marshmallows and Ollie had made some brownies. Which, is odd. Ollie hardly bakes... holy sh!t! Ollie! That explains a lot.

Ah well, things are going well. The four of us are getting along ok. I'm still keeping my distance from Jessie. Not that it's a difficult thing really. He's a snot.

Think I'll call the nanny to see how Lily's doing. First time we've been away from her and I miss my princess.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-02-26 14:54 EST

>CLICK<

Having such a good time out here in the woods with the bros. With all the little activities that Jaden has planned for us, we're all pretty exhausted by the time night time comes. But that's cool. Nothing like sitting beside a fire with a stick in your hand and a marshmallow roasting on the other end. Especially when Cole snatches the marshmallow and eats it himself. I just love licking the sticky marshmallow goo from his lips.

Ahem.. anyway. Had a tug of war today and Jaden tried to make the teams as even as possible. It was fun, we must have been dead locked for a good five minutes. That rope just did not move, one way or another. But then my palms began to sweat and the rope slipped. It was enough momentum for the other team and I ended up in a mud pit. Was nice though, mud bathes are a lot of fun.

Cole seems to be having the time of his life out here. We're going to have to come out and do this more often. Bring Lily next time maybe. I miss my little princess. She has her daddy wrapped around her tiny finger, that's for sure.

Brandon is cracking me up. He and Emma, you couldn't seperate with a shoe horn! The way they snuggle by the fire and whisper to each other. It's cute. I swear though. It is almost too cute. Were Cole and I ever like that? Wait, yes, I think we were. Ah God!

Not a lot else to report on. Just having the best time out here.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-06 10:01 EST

>CLICK<

Back home, good to be home. Thought things were settling down into a normal routine. Then I found Cole's journal. He's thinking about suicide again. He even tried it. Slashed his wrist right in front of me. Getting ahead of myself.

Woke up one night and Cole's not in the bed. So I get up and he's in the living room. He had called a cab and was just going to leave. No goodbye, nothing. Well I waved off the cabby and tried to talk to Cole. Tried to let him know that whatever it is that's bothering him, I'm here for him. No matter what. I'll always be there for him.

Anyway, the jounal fell out of my hands and Cole got pretty upset that I had read it. I can understand that. It's his personal thoughts and feelings and none of my business. But I can't say I'm not glad that I read it. If my baby needs help, I'm going to give it to him.

Anyway, Cole ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. He shouted a few things at me and then sliced his wrist open. I was horrified until I saw the wound close on itself. Such a bizarre feeling of relief mixed with confusion. Anyway, I was able to get the knife away from him.

His powers are growing. Not sure if that has anything to do with it. I'm so worried about him. I just don't know what to do.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-07 21:10 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, some crazy things have been happening. Cole has been in female form for a while and well she and Jessie made love a few times that way. No protection, so now she's pregnant. Triplets. Three babies. Everybody is excited, including me. The kids are going to have four doting daddies on hand. How lucky can they be?

Part of me thinks that Cole did that on purpose to keep from hurting herself. Well doesn't matter really. I'm just so glad that she's not trying to cut herself anymore. That night was horrible and I hate to think about it.

Cole and I had a fight today. I pretty much called her an attention whore. Yeah, pot calling the kettle black, I know. She tried to take off in my truck and when I was trying to stop her, I got hit in the head by the door and got knocked out cold. Jessie showed up while Cole was healing me. Luckily he got the keys out of the truck before Cole could try to drive it again. Thank God. All we need is for her to flip the truck and hurt herself.

So, I took off for all of ten minutes. I come back and we talk a bit. Jessie suggested we go get ice cream. Cole was still pretty sore at me and we didn't go get ice cream. Instead, I whisked her out to the truck, and we took off again. I told her to start talking.

She thought that we'd be better off without her. I reminded her how everybody felt when Rosie died. Did she want all of us, and I mean all by brothers, frat brothers, me, Gage, Jessie and especially Lily, to go through what Dean and Daniel went through? She thought about that for a little bit and started crying again. She apologized. Hadn't thought of that. Hell, when I get down and think about ending it, that's the first thing that comes to my mind and stops me.

We made love in the truck. Two or three times. I held her close and we whispered our vows to each other.

So, today was rocky, but ended up good so far. I love my Cole. I don't know what I'd do without her. I hope she remembers that.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-10 09:23 EST

>CLICK<

Had another fight with Cole. The evening started out alright, Jessie and Gage in the living room and watching a movie while I dished up ice cream and talked to Cole in the kitchen. I asked Cole to help me carry the ice cream out to the guys and he said no. He said that Jessie and Gage were together. I didn't understand at the time, really, what was wrong. So I took them their ice cream, then went back to Cole.

He and I went upstairs for a little alone time and he said that he was a little jealous that Jessie wanted to spend time with Gage. I guess that's natural. She's pregnant with Jessie's kids. He should want to spend more time with her. Well, I picked her up and carried her back out into the living room and plopped her down next to Jessie. He didn't seem to mind, but she did.

She got up and ran up to the bedroom. I should have just left well enough alone, but no. Jessie ran after her and tried to talk to her I guess. Gage and I sat and watched the movie, made out and even started having sex. Next thing we know, Cole's running across the living room and grabbing Gage's keys. She hopped into the Mustang and took off. It scared me to death. I didn't know Cole could drive!

It was only when Gage told me that he gave her lessons that I relaxed. If nothing else, I learned that Cole simply needs time and space to cool off when she's upset. So I just sat back. Gage got mad. He said that maybe I didn't deserve Cole with the way I was acting. What the hell?

Then Gage said that I do nothing but make Cole miserable. He said it out of anger, but I took it to heart. Cole was back within a few minutes but I was already getting ready to leave. If I make her miserable, why have me around?

Well I said some stupid stuff and took off. I wasn't gone long. Spent the night at a hotel nearby and called Cole the next day. Sent her an Easter basket filled with strawberry flavored goodies. I came home and we made up. Felt good to be in her arms. And she said that only when we fight is she miserable. So all's good again.

I've not spoken to Gage yet. Guess I have some major apologizing to do.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-21 19:51 EST

>CLICK<

Yeah, so it's been a while since I've talked to my little recorder friend. Been so busy that I've not had a chance to breathe really. I've been working a lot, so that's a good thing. But it takes me away for days at a time, and that's not always so good. When I'm gone I miss the guys so much. And so much happens when I'm gone.

Cole's found a new boyfriend. Luke seems like a pretty nice guy, from what I've seen and talked to him. Cole is head over heels and it's cute to see them together. Though Luke has a lot to learn about being with Cole. I tried to sum it up in my head and here's how it went.

Cole is like a whirlwind. He blows into your life and so easily you get caught up in him. To anybody who has a speck of goodness in them, falling in love with him is so easy. Cole likes to blame it on his powers that people fall for him. He truly does not know how special he is. I could go on about him for hours. There's more to him, a hell of a lot more, than just his ability to make people horny.

Anyway, he asked me the other night why it doesn't bother me anymore that he's with other people. I told him the truth. I've come to expect it from him. One person will never be enough to sate Cole. He wants to love and be loved. He wants everybody to feel that special feeling. I can't blame him for that. Love is a powerful thing and he sees the good in it in everybody he meets. I'm just grateful he's not met somebody who would turn that love around and hurt him.

But then... maybe he has... But that was the past. I love Cole with all that I am. I love everything about him. He's my baby.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-28 00:30 EST

>CLICK<

It's late and everybody is sleeping. I can hardly believe what I did tonight. Did I really say those things? Did I really just watch him walk out the door? It seems unreal. But then, I'm getting ahead of myself. But then, that's what I'm best at I guess.

I was hanging out, just relaxing in the hot tubs and Joel showed up. He was looking really good. Got some new piercings and such. We talked for a while played in the pool a little bit, drank a few beers. We decided to go get some ice cream.

Went to his room, he had kept my clothes. He took a shower and I got dressed. We talked more. Mostly about how things are going with Luke, Cole, Jessie and Gage. Everybody thinks that it's just nothing but happiness down at that house. And on the exterior, I suppose that's how it seems.

I guess I'm a whiney bitch. That's the only way to describe me. I kept going on and on about how Cole spends all of his time with Luke, Gage has Jessie or is always at work, and I'm always gone. Lonely, yeah, you could say that's what I am.

I touched Joel's chest and told him to kiss me. And he did. It was rough and that's when I made my decision. Now that's not true. Why lie to myself. When Cole had that fight with Luke, it was decided then. I felt like I was more of Cole's friend than his lover. Anyway, I could talk in circles all night I guess.

Joel asked when I was going to tell Cole. Nothing like the present, right? God I'm so stupid. Why do I keep hurting the ones I love the most? He probably hates me right now. And I wouldn't blame him. I hate myself.

So Cole comes in and he's laughing and happy and here I am, about to drop the ball and make him sad. But then, that's another thing I'm good at. Bringing him down and making him miserable. It's not fair to him that I keep doing that. So I told him that I didn't fit in anymore. I told him that he and I had drifted apart. He asked me if I were breaking up with him and all I could do is nod.

He left, but before he asked if I was going to be with Joel. I told him I didn't know. I couldn't speak for Joel and wouldn't want Cole to think that's why we broke up. Joel is my friend and we're going to hang out, sure. If it goes further, then great. But do I want to screw up that friendship too? God I'm such a jerk.

Could hear Cole in the hall, screaming, crying and yelling. I felt like such utter crap. I hate hurting him. I hate hurting anybody. I am nothing but a giant elephant crap in this toilet of a life of mine.

We watched Cole walk out into a field. Joel said that Cole wasn't thinking of hurting himself. Of that, I'm eternally grateful. I may be a bastard, but if he had hurt himself, I'd never be able to live with myself.

He deserves better than me. All I ever did was hurt him. I brought him down when he was up. I do love him. I always will love Cole. But he needs his wings. He needs his freedom.

Anyway, that's enough crap for now. I'm going to Tahiti for a photo shoot and Joel said he'd go with me. Of that I'm glad too. I hate being alone.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-29 10:18 EST

>CLICK<

Been a few days since we broke up. Still feels strange not to have Cole in my arms when I wake up. I know I shouldn't feel this way. It was all my doing. But I miss him. I don't talk about it with anybody, but I do miss the little guy. I wonder how he's doing? Maybe I'll call the house in a little while to see how he is. I know it's not suppose to be my place to worry about him, but I can't help it. I doubt if anybody will tell me anything, but I'm still going to call.

I've been spending time hanging out with Joel. Even was his sparring partner once while he was training. That was fun, but God is he fast! I didn't last very long in the ring with him, that's for sure. He's got a match coming up in a couple of days and I dare say he's ready for it.

Seth had us over for a bit and we went to Greece. I took a walk on the beach alone for a little while. Trying to clear my head. I sat on some rocks and watching the sunset on the water and thinking about Cole when I heard some laughing and shouting. I turned around and there was a class of young artists around a model. The teacher was getting frustrated with the students who wanted nothing more than to stare at the guy.

I took a second look and it's no wonder they were having trouble drawing him. He was simply amazing to look at. He had long, curly dark hair and a body that looked like it was chiseled from marble. I got closer, but not so close that I could hear anything. I just wanted to watch the class. Watch the model. And when he smiled, oh my God! It was devastatingly beautiful.

The class broke up and the model went into this little building. Was a restroom/wash room kind of thing. I had to pee, so I went in not long after he did. He was taking a shower, but I couldn't see him for the walls and the door. But that was ok. I shouldn't be gawking anyway. So I peed and was flushing the urinal when I turned and he smiled at me again. I bumbled a hello out somehow. God I'm such an idiot when I'm around gorgeous men!

I tripped, stubbing my toe, on the way out of the bathroom. That's when this guy offered me his hand to help him up. I took his hand and immediately was reminded of Cole's powers. There was something magical in that man's touch. He introduced himself and I did too, though my tongue felt thick and I don't think I pronounced my name right.

Anyway, I had to get back to the hotel and so I just left him at the washroom. I'm going to go out and see if they're out there drawing him today. I definitely want to get to know this Deo a lot better.

That's about it for now.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-30 09:49 EST

>CLICK<

Called Cole yesterday. He sounded so tired and his voice was so hoarse. My heart sank as I listened to him. Though, he didn't have much to say. Really, what was I expecting? Why would he want to talk to me? I was the jerk that dumped him. I told him I still loved him and that was why I walked away. That I couldn't pin him down. I jabbered on and he didn't say hardly anything.

I'm beginning to think I made a terrible mistake. I still love him so much that it hurts. Waking up alone, I always reach for him and he's not there. I did this to myself though. Always one to react first and regret it later. That's me. I know there's not a snowball's chance in hell that he'd take me back now, so I guess I'll just have to live with the fact that I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.

Went to Deo's place for lunch and dinner. Was pretty cool, his house is amazing. But the chemistry isn't there for anything more than friendship. And I'm cool with that. I'm not ready for a long term committed relationship. Not yet anyway. Not with anybody other than Cole. But, I know that's not going to happen.

I'm on a plane. Marcia called me back to New York for some special show that a few of the designers are putting on for charity. Said my goodbyes to Deo and Seth and just left. Maybe if I throw myself into my work it'll keep me busy enough so that I don't miss Cole or think about him every minute of every day. Yeah right.

I miss him so much. Going to try to call him again. Just to hear his voice.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-03-31 14:10 EST

>CLICK<

Can't believe how stupid I am. So damn stupid. I had this all planned out in my head. I would go home and Cole would wrap himself around me and we'd live happily ever after. Well, up until that last part, right?

After the show, I immediately grabbed a rental car and found a portal back to Rhydin. I couldn't stay away another moment. Cole and I are meant to be and I was stupid enough to try to bend fate or whatever you want to call it. I called his cell phone from the front porch.

When he opened the front door, I literally cried. There he was. My beautiful baby was so tired looking. His voice had a rhasp to it and his eyes. Oh God his eyes. They were sunken and dark, the olive green almost scary looking how bright. He looked gaunt, like he hadn't eaten in days. And through all of that, he still was beautiful.

He let me come in and we talked a little bit. He asked who I had been with other than Joel and I told him the truth. I hadn't been with anybody. And even with Joel it was just a blow job. Any way, Cole and I ended up in the bedroom. He wanted me to be rough.

I kept begging to hear that he loved me. And he said he did. I believe him. I begged to hear that we were together again. He never answered in kind. Who can blame him? I screwed him over and over and over again in the past. Leaving just to come back to just leave. Who does that crap? I got what I deserve, that's for sure.

So we fall asleep in each other's arms. I woke up this morning and the bed is empty where Cole should have been. I got up and searched the house and the grounds. No Cole. I questioned Jessie when I saw that Luke's coffin was gone. Jessie said that was between Cole and myself and when Cole was ready he'd let me know where he was.

So here I sit. I'm going to try to call him soon. I hope he answers his cell phone. God I just want my baby back.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-01 14:11 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, to pick up where I left off. I called Cole just as soon as I turned off this little recorder. And he answered the phone. I was so glad to hear his voice. He said he was scared. I can't blame him for that. I don't exactly have a clean track record. He said he just needed time to think.

I told him to come home anyway. Even if he and I aren't together, as much as that would kill me, he'd be in a safe place. Well then he told me he was at Jessie's beach house. I felt a little better, the beach house is protected, but I still wanted him home. He asked me to come there.

Don't have to ask me twice. We hung up and I jumped in my truck. I think I broke every speed law in the land to get to Cole. When I got there, I pounded on the door and Cole opened up. He wrapped himself around me and I did the same to him, walking into the house and shutting the door.

We must have kissed for a long time before he broke it off and looked me dead in the eyes and told me to never leave him again. Talk about music to your ears. I don't think I've ever been happier in my life.

The evening progressed. Cole ate the heck out of strawberries, cream and cake. He ate like a man starving. And it was good, very good. He's getting his color back and he doesn't look gaunt. He's getting back to being the man I fell in love with.

And all is good. Only thing is, we have to go home sometime. I wonder how Gage or Jessie are going to feel about me coming back? We'll have to find out.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-01 22:59 EST

>CLICK<

God, what a great day we had today. We've still not gone back to the compound yet. Neither of us has really brought it up. We were just content to stick around the beach house and have some fun. We laid out on the beach and played in the surf. Had lunch on the little terrace at the house and then dinner under the stars with Luke. All in all a good day.

So glad that Cole's doing better. He was smiling and laughing today. He has such a beautiful smile. I could just watch him do that forever. I guess I'm gushing, but I can't help it. I love him more than any other person I've ever met. And that's saying something.

I'm sure we'll be going back to Rhydin before too long though. Hard to stay away from that place. We'll both start missing the bros and we'll be back. But for now, we're staying here. And why not? It's warm and the beach is secluded enough that we can make love on it at anytime and not be disturbed. It's great here!

I'm getting to know Luke a bit better too. He and Cole are very cute when they're talking and snuggling. We watched a vampire movie and Luke just kept shaking his head. It was funny. He seems to be a nice guy and he'll never hurt a hair on Cole's head, so that's good too.

Well, it's bedtime and the guys are already curled up waiting for me.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-03 15:29 EST

>CLICK<

Yesterday and last night were in a word, bizarre. I still can't get over what was said. Simply put, Cole wasn't himself.

We were going to go for a drive. I needed to take a shower because I had been running. Cole said he was going to talk to Luke while I showered. No big deal. So I take my shower and then get dressed. Then I went down stairs and to the cellar door. I asked Cole if he were ready and he said he'd be up in a few minutes.

So I started packing a picnic lunch. Then I smelled blood and a lot of it. I went to the cellar door again and Cole was walking up the stairs. He was covered, I mean covered in blood. The wolf in me screamed to be let out.

I let the wolf take control and it attacked Cole. It bit his shoulder pretty hard. Then I pulled the reins back and wouldn't allow it any further. It bit his finger too. I can't let this part of me attack and hurt Cole.

Anyway, next thing I know, Cole's acting like he's really upset. He said that having the wolf has made me a man eating whore. I hardly could believe my ears. Trying to make sense of things, my mind was in a whorl. I tried to stop the bleeding on Cole's shoulder. Told him I wanted to put an ice pack on it. He screamed he didn't want it and swiped everything from the counter onto the floor.

I told him he was bleeding. I mean, I didn't know what else to say. That's when Cole shocked me beyond words. Cole doesn't curse, so when he dropped the F bomb so casually, as if he'd been doing it all of his life, I was stunned. "Fucking Captain Obvious." That's what he said. Unreal.

He staggered upstairs, still bleeding. I think he was about to pass out. Leaning on the walls and smearing blood everywhere. You'd have thought the house was used for a horror flick. I scooped him up and ran to the bathroom and jumped into the shower with him. He screamed. Oh God, that scream will give me nightmares for weeks. Anyway he screamed when the water hit him. But slowly and surely he calmed down.

And then, as if a switch were flipped, Cole was back to himself. He said he had napped and was just fine. He doesn't remember much of the wolf attacking him, nor does he remember screaming at me like he did.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to about this. It was strange, frightening.

It was bizarre.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-12 17:21 EST

>CLICK<

God, where to start? I feel like my world is falling apart around me and I'm helpless to stop it. Gage won't even be in the same room as me. He won't talk to me. I guess he hates me now. I think Cole does too.

I tried to talk to Cole about what happened. He thinks I'm crazy I guess. He doesn't remember a bit of it. And he only got angry when I talked more about it. Then I made the mistake of telling him that Ben had come over, looking for Gage. Ben and I wrestled around and played in the pool, but we didn't do anything else. Well, Cole got angry about that too.

We fought. I hate fighting with him. I feel like I'm losing him. Did I even have him to begin with? Was he hiding who he really was just to appease me? And now that I've put that much strain on him, has he finally decided that it doesn't matter anymore? I don't know.

I don't know anything. Cole is super strong when he's angry and it's frightening. It's like he's not Cole any more. His eyes go black and he picked me up by my throat. I really thought he was going to kill me. But then he threw me onto the bed. After that, I simply couldn't move. It was like he had some sort of spell on me. All I could do was what he asked.

I thought he was going to bite my tongue off. He kept calling me his dog. It was humiliating and shameful. I felt like utter crap. But I was helpless to do anything but what he said. And then, just like that, it was over. Cole was curling up and calling me baby again.

What is it that is in him that does this? Am I the only one who has seen this side of him? I need to talk to him. I miss him so much. I've not seen him in days. I don't know what to do. I love Cole. But does he feel the same anymore?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-13 16:45 EST

>CLICK<

So I went to go find Cole to talk to him. Some of the guys had said they saw him go into his room with Lex, so I thought I'd go looking for him there. When I got in there, I heard them in the shower. I was going to wait for them to get out so that I could talk to him. As I wandered around his room, I found his journal. I know I shouldn't look. But dammit, I just wanted to know what was going on in his head.

What I saw was pretty much what I'd figured. He said that we're drifting apart. That maybe I wasn't the one for him. That Gage was telling him not to trust me. You know, they're probably all right. Every last one of them. I'm not to be trusted. Hell, I don't even trust myself anymore.

So I wrote a note in his journal for him to find the next time he goes to write. I won't be around when that happens. My bags are packed and I'm in the truck going wherever the truck leads me. I won't be where I am not wanted. And I am not wanted at that house any longer. The whispers behind my back, the dirty looks, yeah, I know when to take a hike.

The funny thing is, I still love him. If I knew there was a chance to patch things up and it be just me and him again, I'd go back. But there's no chance of that. He's not one to be pinned down. And I feel so sorry for Luke and now Lex. They're both going to want, at some point, for him to be faithful to just one. And that isn't going to happen. Guess he learned that from me pretty good.

I did nothing but cheat and lie to him the entire time we were together. When I was off at shows or on shoots, hell I was so drunk and wasted that I wasn't surprised to wake up with somebody I didn't know. At least, that was the case before I got clean and really started trying to be the man that Cole needed. But it was too little, too late. I know that when I look into his olive green eyes, I'll see distrust. What kind of relationship can be built around that?

Anyway, I'm off to God knows where. Waiting to hear from Marcia for my next show or shoot. At least I have my career, right?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-14 08:48 EST

>CLICK<

It's been about a week now since I left Rhydin and the Pi compound. At first there were a few phone calls asking where I was and what was going on. But then they stopped all together. I figure everybody knows that I'm gone yet again. I didn't answer the phone calls, let them go to voicemail. I really didn't want to talk to anybody.

Been working. Anything Marcia put me up for, I threw myself into my work. Anything to get my mind from wandering back to Cole and what he was doing. I can truly say I miss him. Of course, my attitude towards the other models and even Marcia and the designers was cold and abrupt. I was there to work. I wasn't there to socialize and party. And after the first few invitations to dinner and dancing afterwards were met with a stern no thanks, they got the hint and stopped asking me. Thank God for that.

The first few days I was gone, I simply holed up in a hotel room and waited for Marcia to call. I drank until I either puked or passed out, and when I woke up, I drank some more. Anything to dull the memories that kept flooding back into my mind. Memories of me and Cole. It hurts to think about them, but I brought this on myself. If I had been the man he needed from the get go, none of this would have ever happened.

Live and learn. True and harsh reality of life. Nobody is perfect, no matter how hard they try. People learn from their mistakes all of the time. But that doesn't stop me from wondering what Cole is doing or how things are going for him. I know he has a lot of people backing him up. But I also know what kind of depression he can sink into. I just hope that he listens to the others and keeps his chin up. He deserves to be happy.

Me, I'm just lucky, I guess. They roomed me with Ayden, once again. I guess they figured that his light hearted spirit would get me out of the angry and blue funk that I'm in. I have to admit, he made me laugh and for a while forget what a total jerk I was. He's helping me, quite a bit and I will say that I've fallen for him. I've never fallen so hard or so fast in my life. I'm scared it's rebound. Ayden doesn't deserve that. I need to put that out of my mind. I'm putting my all into this relationship. I'm never going to let him down. Not like I let Cole down by being stupid.

Ayden's been amazing. And he says he's loved me for a year or so. Back during a Dolce and Gabanna after party, when I grinned at him all goofy and was wasted. How could I miss the signs he had been throwing me? He and I have roomed together before, but I never saw it. So wrapped up in trying to keep afloat my marriage that I couldn't see what was right before my eyes.

I hope Cole's doing alright. I'm sure he is. He's got the entire Pi fraternity behind him. And I think Ayden and I will be ok too. I love him. I do.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-15 08:26 EST

>CLICK<

I went back to the house to pick up a few things, my clothes mostly. I had hoped that I could sneak in and out without anybody being the wiser that I was there. I could hear Jessie doing whatever it is he was doing and Cole was asleep in another room. I stopped and watched as he slept for a few minutes. Part of me wanted to crawl into the bed and hold him. But that was being selfish.

So I went into the master bedroom and started packing some clothes. I was nearly done when I heard Cole's voice behind me. I turned around and he was standing there. So beautiful, so sad. So much of me wanted to just hold him and let him know that he is still loved. We talked for a few minutes, I asked how things with Lex were going. He says they're just friends. He asked if I were with somebody and I didn't lie. I told him that Ayden and I were together now.

I simply can't do anything that doesn't hurt Cole. We held each other and we both cried. How do you let the love of your life just slip through your fingers? But that's what happened. I can't tell you how long we sat and cried in each other's arms. It hurts to even think about it.

I told him that I'm always just a phone call away. We agreed to be friends, for life. And that's a promise I intend to keep. If he ever needs me, I'll be there. And then we kissed. I think I truly lost it then. Both of us knew that it was the last. I didn't want it to end, but I couldn't let it go on. I'm the scum of the earth and truly Cole is better off without me.

Finally I broke away, grabbed my stuff and went out to my truck to go. But I just sat there in the driveway. I don't know how long I sat in my truck, just bawling like a baby. I kept thinking about the good times. About things that he and I have done together. About how I destroyed the most perfect thing that had ever happened to me.

I haven't seen Ayden yet. We're suppose to do another shoot here soon. I've just been keeping to myself and not talking to anybody. God it hurts. Deep down in the middle of me, it feels so empty. Cole was my life for so long.

God help me, I love him so much. But he's better off without a lying, cheating and abusive person like me in his life. He deserves happiness and people that are going to treat him right. I just took for granted what I had in him. And the idiot that I was, never thought that he'd grow tired of it.

Anyway, I think I'm going to head to the jacuzzi and try to relax. Try to forget. Yeah right.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-16 07:58 EST

>CLICK<

I puttered around that hotel for a few days, just trying to clear my head. But no matter what I did, my thoughts always went back to Cole. I wondered what he was doing, how he was doing. Was he happy with Lex? Did he miss me as much as I miss him? God knows I miss him.

I tried to call and got his voice mail. So I left a message and then called Ayden. He said he was down in Miami, just finishing a shoot. So, I got down there as soon as I could. We went skinny dipping on the beach. It was fun. Then we got dressed and hopped in the truck. I'm so glad that I have him to keep me company. I'd go mad if I were left alone with my thoughts.

Ayden has been great throughout all my gloominess about missing Cole. He makes me laugh, just by being himself. He's a very nice guy and I'm lucky to have him in my life. We've not had sex since that first time, just cuddled and talked quietly about different things.

I don't know if I'll ever be over Cole. We were together for so long and did so many good things together. We didn't always fight or argue. And I keep thinking about and remembering the good things now. I wish he'd call back. I'd love to hear his voice. But then, I keep reminding myself that he's not mine anymore.

Spending those three days alone, I'm not sure if they did me any good. Clear my mind? Hardly. I'm just going to have to learn to let the past stay there and try to look forwards to my future. I set this in action, I have to deal with the consequences of it. I just hope that Cole doesn't forget what we had and cling to the good stuff.

Anyway, once Ayden is up we're going to grab a bite to eat and then take off to wherever the truck takes us. I'm so grateful for all that he's done for me since I left Cole. It's far more than I deserve.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-19 22:26 EST

>CLICK<

What a crazy day. I guess it started last night when I bought some primo Maui wowie. Me and Ayden shared the bag and man, did I get lit. I don't remember much after the third joint. I was pretty wasted.

So wasted that when I woke up, somebody else was in bed with me. Ayden says that we didn't do anything. And that's good because I'd done enough of that stupid sex when you're wasted. Anyway, the guy's name is Sebastian, but we call him Bast.

He's going to be going on the road trip with us. I drove us up to his house when my phone rang. I told them to go ahead and grab Bast's stuff and that I'd be in in a few minutes. Then I answered the phone and it was Cole.

We didn't talk for long. He asked if I were happy. I told him I was trying to be. He asked if I were in love with Ayden. So I told him that I was falling in love with him. Cole just hung up on me after that. So I tried to call him back. Gage answered the phone and pretty much told me what a loser I was for hurting Cole like I have. Then he hung up too. So I called back again.

Pretty much Gage told me if I ever came around, he'd kill me. That pissed me off. So before Bast and Den could get back to the truck, I took off like a bat out of hell. Got to Rhydin through a portal and to the house as quick as I could. Gage and I started yelling at each other. Cole tried to stop us from fighting, but only got knocked to the side. He hit his head or something and it knocked him out.

I think I broke some of Gage's ribs. He busted my nose and when he punched me on the side of my head, all I could hear was ringing. I couldn't even hear myself talk. We fought for a while until Gage made me look over at Cole. I went over to him and held him. It scared me when he wouldn't wake up.

Jessie came and healed my head. I could hear again and that was great. Gage told me to go put Cole on the bed, and I did. Then Jessie healed up Cole and he woke up. I was so relieved. I guess Jessie healed up Gage too because they left.

Cole and I held each other for a long while. We both said we loved each other. But we both knew that it had to end. Neither of us wanted it to end, at least I didn't. I have hurt him too much and we both know that I'm not the one he needs. He needs somebody who is going to be true to him and love no other. I learned that too late to save what he and I had.

So I ran out of the room. I gave him the sign for I love you that I had taught him when he had no voice. I could hear him crying as I ran down the hall and finally into my truck. I just took off driving. Back to Maui to pick up Bast and Ayden.

I can still hear his cries. It's quiet, and I'm sitting alone. That's when it's the hardest. That's when it's the worst. That's when I hear him crying.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-22 09:56 EST

>CLICK<

He annulled the marriage. As if it never existed. As if I never loved him or he never loved me. He made me promise to never divorce him, yet he goes and does that. I can't believe it. I'm still in shock.

I've been spending time at Bast's mansion with Ayden and Bast. It's beautiful here. It's warm and we've been having a great time. We goof off and play around in the sun. But at night, when I go to sleep, Cole still haunts me.

Is it all for the best when it still hurts so bad to think about him? To remember the good things and break down crying. Is that for the best?

Ah well, time to put the past behind me. Or try to. I'll always love Cole. He'll always have a part of my heart.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-26 11:11 EST

>CLICK<

God, the last few days have been so screwed up. Here I am, in this beautiful tropical paradise with two very hot guys. We're having the time of our lives, but that's never enough for me. I'm falling for Ayden more and more as the days roll by. But then, I may have blown my chances with him too. I just don't know how I can be such an idiot.

I turned Ayden. We talked about it and he didn't out and out ask to be turned, but he didn't say no either. I bit him on the shoulder and then pretty much sat back and watched as he made the transformation. I held him and let him know that I loved him. Bast came in just about the time that Ayden fell asleep.

Bast and I talked for a little bit and made out in the hallway. He's amazingly quiet and still untouched. In some perverted way, I intend to keep him that way. At least, I won't be touching him in that way. Not that I don't want to, God is he tempting. But he's pure in every sense of the word and I don't want to corrupt that innocence. I've done enough of that in my lifetime. I joked with Ayden that I was saving it for a birthday or Christmas present.

Anyway, I tried to call Cole again. Still no answer. So I took it upon myself to try to mend the fence between us. I took off of the Pi house. There has to be something there. Maybe not being together, but at least to fix the friendship that seems to be dangling by a thread. So I picked up some chocolate covered strawberries. He loves those.

When I got there, Cole didn't want to let me into the room. But of course, I barged in. I could smell both of them in there. I could smell that they'd been fucking not too long ago. It burned my nose and I had to get some fresh air. I just snapped. I did, I hate it, but I did. I thought about the time Gage and I kidnapped Cole and took him to Florida.

I had this overwhelming urge to mark what use to be my territory so I went over and pissed all over Cole's bed. That use to be my bed. He and I shared a lot of great times there. And now he's spending time with that pencil necked dork in there.

Words were exchanged, things got heated. I never intended to fight with him. I never intended for things to go bad. But something in my head said that Cole was mine and that's all there was. I guess it was a territorial thing, I don't know. Because when I sit back and think about things. I know and accept that Cole's not mine anymore. So why I felt that way when I was close to him, I don't know.

I hefted Cole onto my shoulder and then started to walk out of the room. I was met with a fist in my face. Who would have thought that skinny ass punk could hit so hard? I dropped Cole and after some words were exchanged it was on. Lex and I fought for a good while. The wolf took over after he sprayed me with mace. I don't remember much after that.

I do know that at one point I had Lex's throat in my hands and I wanted nothing more than to choke the life out of him. And he kept throwing punches that landed on my face. I'm still a little bruised, but the healer I saw later straightened out my nose and fixed the worst of it.

Gage showed up. It wasn't his fight, but he showed up as he always does. We didn't exchange more than words. I banged on Cole's door until my fists were raw and bloody but he never came out. So I left and went back to Maui.

Bast said that Ayden was very upset and that he was in the room, locked inside. I took the key and went in. The room was pitch and Ayden was in the corner, snarling and growling at me. He had every right to be upset. Cole called him and God knows what was said.

Ayden was thirsting really badly. He hadn't had his first kill yet and I knew the wolf inside of him was starving. I let him drink some of my blood until he was calmed down a bit. I told him I'd take him on his first hunt after he got some more rest and was stronger.

I left him laying in the bed. I'm in the kitchen, trying to sort myself out. Cole's married and I should be happy for him. In some twisted way, I guess I am. Feeling replaced. Yeah, I feel replaced.

Ayden may never forgive me for leaving him the day that I turned him. For that, I can understand. I just may have blown my last chance at ever being happy. Ah well, such is the life of an idiot.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-27 11:49 EST

>CLICK<

Alone. I've never been alone a day in my life, and here I am, alone. It's my own doing. I was always reaching for something that I couldn't have. Always wanting more than I needed. And what has it got me? Nothing.

I woke up two days ago to an empty house. Ayden and Bast, gone. Not a note, not a goodbye, nothing. My bags packed and waiting for me at the door. I took the hint, gathered my things into my truck and just left. Marcia called about another photo shoot, so I'm going to New Zealand now to do that. What else is there for me to do?

Maybe it's best that I'm alone. Everybody else seems to be fine without me. I miss them. All of them. Cole, Ayden, Bast, Chris, Joel, Dean, Gage. The list goes on. What I would do just to see them again.

But I've poisoned them. All of them. With my selfishness and jealousy and everything that I've ever done to them. They don't deserve that. I need to get my head on straight. Maybe with throwing myself into as many photo shoots as I can, I can do that. Maybe I'll start working at the deli again.

It was made pretty obvious to me that I'm not welcomed back at the Pi house. At least, not for a while. I hate that. That is my home. Gage and I, we built up the Frat to what it is today and now I can't even go there. God do I miss that place. I want to go home so badly.

I called Mom and just cried like a baby. Abby wanted to talk to me but I told Mom no. I didn't want her to hear me crying. My baby sister deserves nothing but happiness, I'm not going to bring her down by sobbing like a girl in her ear. I won't. I can't.

I hope that the guys are doing alright. I can't stop thinking about that fight and Cole getting his mouth busted open. Again, my fault. I'm so stupid.

I had the world in the palm of my hand. What did I do? I squeezed it and it crumbled. Now it's just dust. Memories are all I have left.

I'm fucking twenty years old. I've got so many years ahead of me. Years alone? God, I hope not.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-04-28 09:56 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, so I'm stupid. I jumped the gun, like I always do. Overreacted. So typical of me. Always thinking the worst.

Ayden and Bast had only left to go to the store to pick up groceries for the road trip we're taking. I had went back to Rhydin, helped Sadie out with a lunch service at some boring wedding. I was about to pull a shift as a waiter when Ayden called. Boy was he pissed!

So I high tailed it out of there and back to Ayden. Last night was so amazing. He loves it rough. And I mean, he likes to be choked, beaten, and everything else that goes along with it. What a kink! But God, it's so damn good.

So we're heading out this morning. God knows where we'll all end up. At least we'll be together. I'm not going to be stupid about Ayden again. I love him and he loves me and we're going to have the times of our lives.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-05-01 09:56 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, so what seemed like a good idea went terribly wrong. Such is the story of my life though. Ayden likes things... rough. Very rough. So I got the idea of using roach clips.. and well that didn't work out so good. By the time I got them all set up, Ayden was in a lot of pain. Instead of letting me know, he just lay there. I mean, like he was zoning out or something. Anything to be anywhere but where we were.

I yanked one off. The clip still had hair in it and Ayd yelled out loud. Then he got out of the bed and stormed off to the bathroom. Telling me that he wanted pleasure, not just pain and then he slammed the door as he left the room.

I did what I usually do. I went overboard. Over the top. Whatever you want to call it. Boy do I have a lot to make up for this time.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-05-05 17:09 EST

>CLICK<

I went back to the compound to pick up the last of my things. I was going to put a rose on Rosie's memorial, say goodbye for a while. I found Cole and Luke laying in the flower beds. By the looks of things Luke had just finished feeding from Cole and they were talking about whatever. I heard my name and Cole said he never thought he'd see me back at the Pi compound. Then I spoke up and said something like "oh really?" Or something like that and walked away.

I heard Cole get up and I turned around. He ran straight at me and into my arms. We held each other for what seemed like an eternity. I apologized over and over for being a jerk the last time I saw him. He apologized too, but truthfully he has nothing to be sorry for. It was my sorry ass that left, my sorry ass that came back and tried to kidnap him. It was my sorry ass that tried to beat the shit out of Lex.

Anyway, before I left, I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye. Then I went back to the hotel where Ayden and I were staying. Ayden had literally destroyed every piece of furniture in the room and was looking for something else to tear apart when I walked in. He could smell Cole on me and even though I tried to explain everything, a fight started.

Before I knew it, we were throwing punches at each other. I knocked Ayden into the bathtub and he hit his head pretty hard. Even with the bump to his head, he still kept coming at me. He broke my ribs and I punched him in the head again. It calmed down a little after that. Some punches were still being thrown, but mostly it was Ayden trying to crawl away from me.

Then suddenly his eyes started to fill with blood. I freaked out and got him into my truck. I was going to take him to Rhydin to get healed. But then he started having a seizure. Scared the living shit out of me. I called Joel, I couldn't think of anybody else to call. With the link that he and I share, he was there in seconds. Luckily, he healed Ayden's head and when we got back to the hotel, he used magic to fix the room. It was as if nothing had ever been broken in there at all. It was amazing.

So while Ayden's passed out, Joel and I talked. He lay his head in my lap and we talked about the guys and what was going on back at the house. He sucked on my thumb. I knew it wasn't right. Ayden was laying right there not three feet from us. But I let it happen. Then I pulled my hand up and Joel said he should go. I stopped him, said I wanted him to meet Ayden, to let Ayden know that I do have friends and that one of the friends saved his life.

What happened next happened so fast that it's a blur. Joel walked up to me and said something funny. He put his forehead to mine. And before I knew what I was doing, I kissed him. And it wasn't a sweet innocent kind either. I could have pushed Joel away and said that I couldn't do that kind of thing, I was taken. But I didn't. I kissed Joel. And truth be known, I LOVED IT!

So Joel left after that. I milled around the room for a while, just thinking abut things. I keep hurting people. I hurt Cole, Ayden, Joel, Gage, everybody I've ever been with. I'm young. Very young. I have my entire life ahead of me. Why the hell should I start getting serious and settle down now? Obviously I can't stay loyal to just one person. It simply cannot be done. I've tried. God knows. I've tried. And it's nothing but heart ache for the person that I've tried to tie myself down to. Enough's enough. I've screwed up too many relationships.

I've left Ayden a note. I hope someday he forgives me what I've done. Hopefully someday, I'll learn to forgive myself.

Back to the original plan. Work when I'm called to work and simply enjoy life as a bachelor. No strings, no commitments except to my agent. This is how I'm going to live. God help me.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-05-06 22:20 EST

>CLICK<

So it's been a few days. After I left the hotel, I just drove circles around Rhydin. Not knowing really where to go or what to do. I knew I couldn't go back to the Pi house. Not yet anyway. Gage pretty much made it clear that I wasn't welcome anywhere near Cole. And really, he's right. I need to leave him alone so he can get on with his life. Not that I wouldn't want to be a part of his life, even as a friend. But right now, it's simply too soon.

And Joel's there too. I can't bring myself to hurt him again. I don't know, just all these crazy thoughts in my head. I just knew I couldn't go back to the compound.

So I found myself at Nico's place. He and I have been friends for a long time, so why not hang out there? Nico's a bit on the dark side of things, but that doesn't bother me one bit. He's just a friend, right? Well that's how it started. We talked for a while, goofed off. I told him not to fall in love with me. I only hurt those that do.

Anyway, we ended up in bed and oh my God! It was like we both knew exactly what to do for each other and it was amazing. I can't even remember how many times we went at it, but each time was better than the one before. He's an amazing lover.

Ayden called while we were both asleep. I took the phone into the bathroom and talked to him for a little bit. I told him I know what I did to him was wrong. I took his virginity. I turned him. He asked if he ever meant anything to me. Of course he did. And that's why it's for the best that he forget about me. I want him to be happy. I'd only hurt him more. He deserves happiness. He deserves somebody who will be there for him. He deserves a lot better than me.

So this morning I wake up and he's gone. I decided to take a self guided tour of his house. And the house is awesome. Long hallways that run the length of the house and so many rooms I lost count. Furnished with only the very finest of furniture and artwork. The banister was carved by hand. The entire place just reeks of money. It's great.

Nico came home and he had some girl with him. She wasn't much to look at, blond hair and a simple dress. Looked like some rich girl's hand maid or something. He took her downstairs to the basement and I followed not far behind. I watched as the girl shook in fear when Nico turned on the lights down there. He has a very elaborate little torture chamber with just about any torture device ever thought of in there. It was great to watch her shake and start to cry.

They say that fear makes the flesh taste sweeter. And it's true! I could smell her fear from the top of the stairs and as I made my way down, it only got stronger. And the lust for flesh quickly took over. I waited to hear her scream, and once she did, it was over.

Blood sprayed both Nico, as he held her, and on myself as I ripped out her throat with my teeth. It's pretty much a blur from there. All I know is that the wolf was sated and fell asleep, allowing me to regain control.

There was blood everywhere. A pool of it under me and I rolled in it, soaking my skin. I called for Nico and he was on it. We made love in that girl's blood as her remains sat only a few feet away. It was amazingly erotic.

Tired now. After such a large meal and lovemaking for hours, we both need some sleep. Took a shower and Nico cleaned up the basement.

Time for sleep. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-05-16 14:41 EST

>CLICK<

Oh man, it's been a long time since I've talked to you. While things were fun at Nico's he had to go out of town on business so I moved back into the guest house on the compound. I made sure to get up early to go to work at the Deli, then stayed away late to avoid bumping into Gage, Cole or any of the others. They know I'm here but we aren't rushing to see each other.

The Deli is going good. Always an easy way to pick up extra spending cash with the tips. Sadie's up to her eyeballs in schedules, bills, recipes and all the other fun stuff that goes along with running it, but she seems to love doing it. She says it's to keep Rosie's memory alive.

Anyway, so I was on break yesterday, right? I went to the little coffee shop across from the Deli to grab up a Jamba Juice and relax until the next service. I nearly tripped and fell on a damn squirrel! When I regained my balance, I was sitting next to this guy. He was pretty hot but the vibes he was throwing off, well, let's just say that he's straight as a board. Anyway, we got to talking about his shop. He sells a little bit of anything either exotic like wines or antiques. I told him I was looking to redecorate the house. Then he invited me to his store.

So I bought him lunch for spilling Jamba Juice on his shirt and then we went to his shop. There's so many things in there that I want to buy! We talked about several pieces before I came across this Egyptian urn. Jove said that the urn held a Djinn in it. Now if somebody had said that to me even two years ago, I'd have laughed. Before there was Rhydin in my life, that is.

He said if I could get the Djinn to come out, that he'd let me have the urn for free. I must have looked pretty silly opening up the lid and talking into what seemed to be an empty vase. But then this voice, oh man that voice, talks back to me. To Jove's and my own surprise, the Djinn named Siris made his appearance.

He went back into the urn and away home I went. I had heard stories of genies in bottles and three wishes and all of that and I could hardly wait to see just what this Djinn could do for me. I sat the urn on the kitchen counter, took off the top and spoke to it like before.

Siris appeared, sitting on the couch. We talked for a long time about things he can and cannot do. Like he can't make anybody fall for me, and he can't make me fall for anybody. Everything has to be free will. So I can ask for all the material things I want, like that cherry new truck sitting out in the driveway, but matters of the heart and flesh, I'm on my own.

I asked for all kinds of beer, exotic foods, things like that. I must have passed out cold because I woke up in bed. I don't remember getting there. I called to the Djinn and we spoke more. He said he could create a man just for me. One that would be brand new and know only one thing. And that one thing is that I am there as their protector.

How could I resist such an offer? I pushed Cole's picture into his hands and waited. He asked me a hundred questions about how Cole is. His personality and everything. And the next thing I know, there he is. Cole, laying in my bed.

Maybe it's weird. Maybe I shouldn't have Siris create this clone for me. If the real Cole finds out, there will be hell to pay, I'm sure of it. Going to keep it quiet for now. Maybe I'll sneak him out some night and we'll go somewhere.

He's waking up. Time to go.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-05-21 17:41 EST

>CLICK<

Marcia called and had a job for me. So Cole and I packed our things and headed to Rapid City, SD. The photo shoot is in the Badlands National Park. It's beautiful and rugged out here. Not that I've seen much. Cole has kept me pretty busy in the hotel room. I was even late for the shoot on the third day. Marcia just laughed it off.

It's so great to have Cole back in my arms again. And just as he was when we first started. Silly and funny and so naive. Is it funny to say I fall in love with him a good ten times a day? It's like I've got a fresh start, a second chance to correct my mistakes and do right by Cole. And that's just what I intend to do. I even made a promise to myself that if his powers came to fruition, that I wouldn't block them.

Well, his powers did come and at full force. I can't tell you how many times we made love, but I'm an exhausted fool. Cole though, he's like that Energizer Bunny. He can keep going and going and going. I love it! But, I do have to go to the shoot one more time, so I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to do that when I'm under the spell of Cole's powers.

I'm going to ask Sirus for help. See if he can't help us to curb Cole's powers, just a little. We don't need for some of the other models, photographers, editors or even Marcia to fall into lust with Cole and be all over him. No, that won't do.

Anyway, so here we are. Cole is resting and I'm in the bathroom. I guess you could tell by the echo. Going to see about getting room service and then an evening of doing whatever Cole wants.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-05-26 17:28 EST

>CLICK<

What a wild week it has been. No sooner did the shoot close in The Badlands did Marcia have me and Cole on a plane to Cabo San Lucas. They put us up in this cute little hut, Cole insisted a hut. There were rooms in the hotel, but Cole wanted it to be just us without the comforts of electricity. We even had a mosquito net over the bed! It was awesome.

We spent a couple of days there and I picked up a digital camera. I wanted to take as many pictures as I could of Cole and the places we've been. Anyway, the hut was right near the pool. And the pool was so neat. Cole and I swam and then when everybody was gone, we made love under the moon in that pool. I just love having him in my arms. The air was warm and the water was too. After making love, we sat and watched the stars until the sun came up. I have a picture of the sunrise. I have one of the sunset that night too. But that pic of the sunset is where we had our photo shoot.

The next morning, they packed us into a helicopter and we went up the coast of California to Hearst Castle. There was a party and then a photo shoot after that. Cole was amazed by the coastline. I held onto him tightly. I was so scared that he'd fall out of the helicopter. But he was ok. We were both like little kids in a candy store. Our eyes as round as saucers as we took in the beautiful coastline. And when we got to the castle, oh my God! It was huge and gorgeous! And it looked like it was made for Cole. Then we touched ground and went on a guided tour. Each room was more amazing than the last. We held onto each other and pointed things out as we walked along. We even took turns echoing in the different rooms. They were huge!

Anyway, we're going to stay the night in the castle as guests of the estate. God I love my job! We even went for a dip in the pool while a guy played soft music on his saxophone. We managed to control ourselves, but as soon as we got back to the room, we made love over and over again.

I've never been so happy in my life. I'm traveling the world, seeing amazing things, and I'm doing it all with the love of my life. Life can't get much better than this.

>click<

Sunrise in Cabo San Lucas, outside of our hut.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/Cabosunset.jpg

Sunset in Cabo San Lucas at the photo shoot.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/cabosunset1.jpg

The pool outside of our hut. Our hut is in the middle.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/caboswimmingpool.jpg

Heast Castle from the air.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/hearstcastle.jpg

The Jupiter pool where we swam and the guy played saxophone.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/hearstcastlesimmingpool.jpg

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-06-01 12:30 EST

>CLICK<

We had a little down time after our stay in Hearst Castle, so we went home for a little while. Holed up in that guest house for a few days and pretty much did nothing. It was good to be home. I met up with a few of the bros and got caught up on the goings on around the house. Same old drama, who is fighting who, who is fucking who. But it was still fun.

Marcia called and said she had more work for me. So Cole and I packed our bags once again and headed to Belize. I really think Cole loves the traveling as much as I do. All the way there we talked about what it would be like and the things we'd see and do. And as grandiose as those plans were, nothing could have prepared us for the beauty of that place. It was breathtaking and simply amazing.

Cole fit right in. I mean, I don't think there's a place Cole wouldn't fit in. He was made for a life of pampering and luxury. We ate dinner at a nice restaurant. Had caviar and lobster, filet mignon, and champagne. Watching him from across the table, I was amazed by how he held himself. And the candlelight danced in his eyes and I fell in love, all over again. He's amazing.

We stayed in a hut, again. This one was on stilts and out over the shallow bay. I've got a picture of it at sunrise. The mosquito nets were all over the place. It looked almost haunted and I held onto Cole tightly as we slept.

We went to this place called the Blue Hole. I think it's the tip of an ancient volcano and all you can see above the water is a circle of rocky land. Inside, the water turns a deep dark blue in the center of this circle, as if the hole went down for miles. It was pretty amazing and even describing it, I don't think I could do it justice. Thank God I got a picture of it from the sky.

Cole and I had to go by horseback to the site of the shoot. He sat in front of me and I held onto him as he held the reigns to the horse. This gave me ample time to kiss and suck on his neck. He squirmed and even turned around to kiss and make out. The horse knew where it was going, we just had a good time on the back of that horse. Of course Marcia rode up and poked at me because the horse had stopped in it's tracks. We didn't even notice!

So yeah, a very nice trip indeed. Cole's happy, I'm happy. That's all that matters.

>click<

Our hut at sunrise

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/belizehut.jpg

The blue hole

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/belizehole.jpg

Horseback riding

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l102/rosieodel/belizehorseback.jpg

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-06-14 08:05 EST

>CLICK<

We're still in Belize. Marcia hasn't called me to do another shoot or show, so we've decided to stay here for a while longer. Cole absolutely loves it here and so do I. It's been such a peaceful time. I've never felt so at ease in my life. It's like we're in a perfect world and everything is just flowing along as it should. And it's amazing, Cole and I haven't fought a single time since his creation.

Cole and I haven't really left the small bungalow much. Finding each other's company and making lover over and over has filled our days and nights. He even said I tired him out. Well, the feeling is mutual, we are both physically exhausted by the time the moon is at it's highest.

Yesterday, I woke up before Cole did and quietly left the bungalow to do a little fishing. I didn't go very far, just outside of the door. When Cole woke up, he came and sat beside me. We made small talk, he said he loved the way I smelled and tasted. I told him that I loved the way he loves me. We cuddled for a while and somehow the fishing pole got lost. Neither of us really cared as we held onto each other.

Then, I finally got up the nerve to ask him to marry me. And I am very happy to say that he said yes. Neither of us wanted to wait, nor did we. While he was getting dressed, I called the local justice of the peace who agreed to meet with us out on the beach, near the bungalow.

I also called back to the Pi house. I've not talked to those guys in a very long time and I just wanted to check in. Well Cole answered the phone and it felt kind of awkward talking to him. I told him what was going on and we exchanged pleasantries. I was glad to hear things were going well for him and he said he was happy for me. And that was pretty much the extent of the conversation.

Anyway, we both got dressed in khaki pants and white shirts that hung open. No shoes, not for a beach wedding! And there were other guests of the hotel there. And soon there were a lot of people there, cheering us on and witnessing our marriage vows. The hotel supplied free champagne and chocolate covered strawberries as a gift to us.

After the ceremony, we partied with the others for a while. But then both of us wanted to get back to the bungalow and make love as a married couple for the first time. And we did. It was just as spectacular as the first time. But then, every time we make love, it's just as great as the first time was.

We wore each other out, not to mention Cole had quite a bit of the bubbly to drink. And when we snuggled down and started to fall asleep, I could still hear the words of the justice of the peace, and Cole's response. Do you promise to love, honor, cherish and devote your life to this man? And Cole's response of I will, forever.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-07-20 14:44 EST

>CLICK<

Married life has been great this time around. Cole and I have yet to have even the slightest of disagreements or spats. I never, in a million years, dreamed that it could be this wonderful. Having Cole with me, no matter where I go or what I do is simply the best. Though he waits for me in the hotel when I'm on a location, it's all good. Knowing what I have back at the hotel to go home to makes even some of the most tedious shoots bearable.

We went from Belize to Paris for Fashion Week. Boy was that absolutely nuts. I walked on 20 catwalks in six days. All that hair and make up, the lights, pretty exciting stuff. I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Cole, so the time we did get to spend was spectacular. He has very good hands and I enjoyed a massage more than once.

After all of the shows were done, I wanted to do something special for my baby. So I had the hotel pack us a lunch and rented a couple of horses. We traveled out of Paris and into the countryside. In a field of tall wildflowers, we sipped champagne, fed each other strawberries and made love. We were there most of the day and almost until midnight. Just Cole and I and it was amazing. I love him so much.

And now we're off of the coast of Peru. Another photo shoot, I hope this one doesn't take too long. I love traveling with Cole though. We've become a couple of puddle jumpers. And Cole seems to enjoy it as much as I do. Tonight I'm taking him for a ride up into the mountains to a cabin. I hope he likes it. I can't wait!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-08-05 08:41 EST

>CLICK<

After a very short stint in the Bahamas, Tommy and I came back to the Pi house. We're staying in the guest house that I've pretty much taken over since I was Rush Chair. We've been keeping to our selves for the most part. I still go out for my morning runs and stuff like that, but mostly we're huddled together in that house. Snuggling, watching tv, doing nothing but being together and it's great.

I had went to the main house to pick up something to eat, and I overheard Cole and Jessie talking while they were sitting on the couch. I heard Cole say that it hurt too much to think about me. That he couldn't and wouldn't let himself miss me. I won't lie, that hurt pretty bad. Then I heard him say that he'd probably never see me again. Well stupid me had to butt into their conversation at that point.

Cole freaked out. He jumped up and ran upstairs and into one of the empty bedrooms. I followed him and Jessie was right on my tail. Not like Jessie could do anything, but it's nice to see that he's protective of Cole. Anyway, after calming him down by reassuring him that I wasn't going to hurt him, we started talking. I was sitting in a chair and he was on the bed.

He asked, over and over, if things were good with Tommy. I didn't lie to him. I told him things were very good with Tommy. I asked if things were good with Lex and him. He said they were, but there was something in the way he looked so sad that makes me think things aren't roses and sunshine. But, that's none of my business so I didn't say anything.

I reached out and touched his hand, patting it to let him know that things were going to be ok between us. Well that proved to be a stupid move. The moment I touched him, it was like old times. First a touch, then a hug, then kissing. Next thing I know, we're both naked and very close to having sex.

Well he laughed and that put a stop to it. I kept saying I had to go, but he asked me to stay and talk. So, we did for a while. I told him that Tommy was a lot like Cole was when we first met. I think that hurt Cole's feelings a lot because he started crying. I felt so bad. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt him, that's for sure.

So I got up and left. I knew Jessie was right outside of the door. He went into the room when I left. I just went to the pool. I needed to cool off and what better way than to jump into a pool and take a swim? I had went underwater and when I came back up, there was Cole. I couldn't believe what he was saying to me.

He said he was going to let me go. That he wasn't going to throw temper tantrums when I was with somebody else. He said it wasn't fair to me that he try to keep my heart. I told him no. That I didn't want him to stop loving or caring about me. The argument that followed had both of us in tears.

What happened after that is kind of blurry in my mind. I said something about how Cole taught me how to treat somebody right, that I'd learned from my mistakes. He didn't take that so well and started sobbing and screaming. I picked him up, held him close and he passed out. I took him to the room nearest the pool and lay him on the bed. Then I sat and watched as he slept.

It didn't take him long to wake back up, but he started crying again. And soon he was hiccoughing in his sleep. After watching him for a couple of hours, I went back to the guest house. I held Tommy close and fell asleep in his arms.

The next day, I'm out at the outdoor pool and Cole comes up to talk to me. We pretty much kept our distance from each other. We knew that to talk there would be no other way than with distance. I finally got what Cole was trying to say. He still wanted to be my friend, he wants us to be close again. But he wants me to be and stay loyal to Tommy. I told him that I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. Before long, we were sitting there, talking about some of the things that had happened. Mostly the good stuff and we laughed for a while.

Things are going ok now. It's good to have my friend back.

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-08-07 08:47 EST

>CLICK<

Still at the Pi compound. I saw Cole yesterday. He had bruises up and down his arms, his body. I asked him what happened, but I'll admit right here and now, I thought Lex had hurt him. But he says that he and Joel had been boxing again. What could I do? I let it slide.

I continued my jogging and who should cross my path? Why none other than my cute little Tommy. We talked for a couple of minutes and I made him laugh just as he was sipping on his smoothie. There was smoothie every where. I decided that Tommy needed a bath right then and there. So I picked him up and ran towards the pool. He kept saying no, don't do it! But I couldn't help myself. Into the pool we went.

We played a game of Marco Polo, and he said I couldn't use my sense of smell or my acute sense of hearing. Honestly, they're not things that I can just turn off. So I blindly swam from place to place, letting him think that I didn't know he was in a corner of the pool all along. Finally, I floated on my back and asked if I can use my power again. He said I can use just one, my sense of smell. No sooner did he say that then I was right there, arms around him. He laughed and we started to mess around a bit.

I turned him around and we kissed. It's been a long time since I've been kissed like that and gave it in return. He was wrapped around me and I had to kick my legs to tread the deep water to keep us from going under. The kissing, touching, holding each other, reaffirming our love, it was in a word, amazing. We must have drifted in the pool a good ten minutes before we bumped into the side of the pool. And once there was something stable to press against, well that was all she wrote. We made love, right there in the pool.

Once we were both spent, I carried Tommy back to the guest house. He snuggled in my arms and kept kissing my neck. Once home, we snuggled on the bed until we both passed out. When I woke up this morning, I kissed him and told him I was going out for a run. He smiled his sleepy little smile and pulled my pillow to his chest. Then he fell back asleep.

So, here I am, just after my morning run. Man it's already hotter than Hades outside. I think I'll just have to take me another swim today.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-08-09 01:24 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, I don't even know where to begin. I was out hunting the other night, not bothering anybody. Didn't catch anything big, a few rabbits was enough to sate me for a while. But then I spot Cole and Luke heading out of the compound. I kept to the woods, watching and following behind them a bit. I picked up on some of their conversation, but most of it was whispered.

They were a sight, I have to admit. Arms around each other and looking like two people so lost in love with each other that the world around them didn't even exist. I'll admit, I got a little jealous. I don't know why, but I did.

So I followed them a bit further. Cole kept turning around, as if he were looking for something. Maybe he sensed I was there. I'm not sure. I'm sure Luke knew I was there. He has this magical vampire powers or something. Anyway, Luke didn't let on I guess because they kept on walking.

I decided it would be fun to scare them just a bit. I wasn't going to hurt either of them, just scare them. So when the opportunity arose, I pounced out into their pathway. Honestly, I didn't think either would notice. They were so busy kissing and nibbling on each other. But notice they did.

To his credit, Cole didn't scream like a girl. I was a little disappointed, but oh well. They both said it wasn't funny that I scared them like that. So, since I'm trying to be nice now, I changed from my wolf form back to human. You know, just to show that I had no hard feelings or bad intentions. Then I took off. Went straight back to the guest house. I guess Tommy was out swimming because he wasn't there.

I got dressed and decided that going to that movie theater that Luke and Cole were headed to would be fun. Just hang out with them and watch a stupid horror flick that we'd all end up laughing at. Well, when I got in there, Cole and Luke were already nearly fucking each other's brains out. Cole was in Luke's lap and very much exposed. I simply took the seat beside them. Laughing I asked if they were having a good time.

Not sure why he did it, but then Cole leaned over and kissed me. And not just a sweet, innocent little kiss either. I'm talking tongue down your throat, hands tangled in hair kind of kiss. The kind that can burn itself into your very soul. Things got a lot more heated from there. I was astonished by how extreme Cole was being. I mean, he and I have made love a hundred times if we made love once. But this was pure, unadulterated lust. His eyes were wild and it was a little frightening, truth be known.

I've been on the wrong side of Cole's powers before, so yeah, it was frightening.

But that didn't stop us from doing what we were doing. And then suddenly, we're no longer in the theater, but a huge dark room and it was just us three. How, I don't know. I wasn't going to argue. My mind and mouth were busy with pleasuring Cole to even give our location a second thought.

I don't know why it all stopped. But suddenly it did. Cole sat down between me and Luke. He laughed and said we were all crazy for what we were doing. And he kept fanning himself. Next thing I know, I'm back in that theater and Luke and Cole are gone. I searched for them all over the theater and then went back home.

They got home safely, I saw Luke earlier today. I was going to stop by Cole's room to apologize for the night before. I have Tommy and truly he is more than enough for me. I love Cole, don't get me wrong. But there's one too many roosters in that hen house for me. He's happy with Luke, Lex, Lyssa and Jessie. I think that's more than enough.

Anyway, I was going to go to his room to apologize and see if we can't try to work on being just friends again. But I heard screaming and yelling so I quickly went away. Not sure what Lex and Cole were fighting about, but I wasn't going to add fuel to the fire. I hope he's ok.

Soon as I'm done here, I'm going to take Tommy out for a while. Get away from the drama that's already ensuing.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-08-15 14:26 EST

>CLICK<

I came clean to Tommy about all of the things that I had done with Cole. And Tommy surprised me. Honestly, I thought he'd get upset, stomp, scream, throw things. But he didn't. Sure, he was confused and asked if he didn't please me enough. I assured him that wasn't the case at all.

He asked me if he should have found somebody else like I had done. But the way he asked it, so full of innocence. It blew me away. His innocence is so overwhelming sometimes. It brings me to tears. He simply wanted to know if that's how things were suppose to work. I told him no, that I was just being a douche bag.

I felt horrible, telling him what I did. But I didn't want him to hear it from somebody else. Also, I don't want there to be any secrets between us. Though I don't think Tommy has a single secret. He's so open about everything, it's amazing. He doesn't hold back his thoughts from me. So I'm going to do the same for him. Everything that I think about or do, he's going to know.

For both of our sakes, I'm going to keep my distance from Cole from now on. We're both happily married to other people. There's no reason to bring extra drama into our lives. Love him, fuck yeah I do. But I don't want to mess up what he has going on with Lex. And I surely don't want to mess up what I've got going with Tommy.

Tommy's all I'll ever need. I don't need to look any further than those beautiful eyes of his and know that I'm now complete. My whoring days are over. If I ever see even an ounce of pain in his eyes, I think I'd die. I spend all my time trying to think of things to do for him. He does so much for me, and he doesn't even know it.

His way of talking, his teasing, his everything just makes me love him more each passing day. From the moment he wakes up and looks at me with those sleepy bedroom eyes, until the moment they close to sleep, I don't want to do anything else but love him and show him how deep my love really is.

Anyway, we've not been doing a lot of anything lately. Watching tv together, swimming together, going for walks, picnics. I just want to show him that he is my world.

Ok, I've rambled on enough. I think you get the point. I love Tommy.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-08-25 21:12 EST

>CLICK<

So the other night, after making love to Tommy and holding him in my arms until he fell asleep, Cole came calling. He didn't actually come to the door, he played a peeping Tom and watched me and Tommy for a while. I knew he was there and just as soon as Tommy was asleep, I got out of the bed and went to the window.

We talked, Cole and I, for a little while. He told me that he wasn't over me, that he thought that he never would be. He looked so fragile standing out in the bushes, my first instinct was to go to him and hold him. Let him know that everything was going to be ok. He told me that he was lonely without Lex. That Lex was never around. I know that kind of pain. I went through it with Gage. It's horrible.

Anyway, we talked for a while. I told him that I still loved him too and that it's going to take some time for us to be completely over each other. I mean how do you get over somebody like Cole? I mean even when he gets mad, he's so adorable. And he's the kind of guy that you just want to make happy. When he's happy, his smile, his laughter, his entire being radiates that happiness to everybody around him. It's infectious and addicting. It's a wonder to behold and he's a force to be reckoned with.

He ran away from the window. He asked if I were happy and in love with Tommy. I didn't lie. I told him I am very happy with Tommy and very much in love with him. The hurt in Cole's eyes broke my heart. It seems that all I have ever done was cause him pain.

So I get a note today. He asked for my foregiveness for coming to me and saying the things he did. He said he'd always love me, and that some day he hoped we could be friends. Truthfully, the note broke my heart. He is saying his goodbyes. Of course, it hurt like hell. But it also made me smile. He's such a sweet guy. Lex is a lucky man. I just wish he'd get his head out of his ass and realize he doesn't have to work all the time. But then, that's not my business, that's between them. Anyway, off topic a bit.

If I could talk to him right now, I'd tell him that there is nothing to forgive. And that he's always going to be in my heart. No matter where either of us goes, we're only a phone call away. I'd beg his foregiveness for all of the shitty things I've ever done to him.

I'm going to talk to Tommy in a little bit. I'm going to come clean about how he was created and just whose image he was created in. I'm not sure how he's going to take all of it, but he deserves to know. He keeps asking questions and I can see the frustration in his face that he has no memories prior to the day he was created. I just hope he understands that I no longer see him as a Cole substitute. I see him as Tommy. My husband, my lover, my best friend.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-08-26 22:55 EST

>CLICK<

Saw Noelle today. She came up to the house. Wanted to take a walk, talk about things. So I went, and things were going ok. She looked as beautiful as ever. Said she was happy, the twins are doing great. Was really nice talking to her again. We sat on a bench out in the yard of the compound.

We touched, we talked, laughed a little. Felt like things were going good, really good. Maybe too good. I let her know that I'm very happy with Tommy. I said it more than once. I really am happy with Tommy.

Anyway, it just felt like she wanted more from me. I'm not sure what. When I asked her if she were truly happy with Doug, she didn't answer. I told her she could talk to me about anything, but she got up and left. Maybe I said too much. I mean, I don't think she was coming on to me. Was she? Maybe she was just trying to forge a friendship and I took things the wrong way.

Mixed signals?

When she left, I started to go back to the house and Tommy. I could see him laying in the bed, sleeping, waiting for me. His sweet, innocent face smooth as silk as he slept. For whatever reason, I couldn't go back there. Not right then anyway. I was too busy thinking about the encounter with Noelle. I ran the conversation through my head over and over. Was it the way she looked at me? Or that I looked at her. How it felt when she touched my face? I don't know.

All I know is that I've screwed up so many people. People who tried to love me, I've done nothing but twist them and maim them. I'm so scared that I'm going to do that to Tommy. But it seems that Tommy's had the opposite effect on me. Every time I look at him, touch him, hold him, I want to protect him from the person I use to be.

God I'm so fucked in the head. I went to the Pi house and grabbed a couple of bottles of whiskey and went looking for Ollie. He sold me a bag and then I went back to the guest house.

So that's where I am. Sitting on the front porch, half a bottle of whiskey gone, most of the bag already smoked. It's suppose to make me feel better and forget, right? It's not. I just keep thinking. Thoughts racing through my head.

Maybe if I just go lay down. Hold Tommy in my arms. Maybe someday, I can get rid of the monster I once was.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-09-28 11:01 EST

>CLICK<

Been looking for this thing for weeks now. Thought I'd lost it and would have to buy a new one. Thankfully it was just in an overnight bag that I had taken with me to a photoshoot. It was just a two day shoot and the set was closed. So I was there and back in a couple of days. Missed Tommy like crazy. I wish they'd not do closed set shoots. I want to take him with me anywhere.

Anyway, things are going really strange lately. I was relaxing the other day, watching the tube. Tommy was out swimming, he loves to get out and mix with the other brothers. Anyway, I get this phone call from Cole. Just out of the blue. I hadn't talked to him in such a long time. He asked me to go to the mall with him so we can hang out. I was cool with that so I got my skinny ass showered and dresssed.

Got to the mall and there he was. Just as cute as ever. We walked around for a little bit. Got a couple of smoothies. He tried to pay for it, but I snatched his wallet from him and stuffed it in my back pocket. Was on me, and when I told hiim that, I meant it. Well he shoves his hands into my back pocket. Let me tell you, those pants were already tight! With Cole's hands in there, Mr. Happy was definitely being squished. Well his hands got stuck. Not sure how, but he wanted me to squeeze my cheeks. Hell, I had to play a bit so I started walking around. Cole had no choice but to follow. His hands stuck in my pockets like that. Finally I did let him go and we laughed all the way out of the mall.

We were going to go get dinner. Was strange having Cole in my truck again. It felt like no time had passed since the last time he was in there. He asked for a kiss, and I kissed him. But, as things often do between Cole and myself, it snowballed from just a kiss to cuddling and serious making out. It was amazing to be holding him again. I never realized how much I missed him until he was in my arms again. We told each other that the love was still there. And it is.

He asked if we could spend just one night together. I couldn't deny him. I know that one night leads to two and so forth. Anyway, we got a nice room and settled in for the evening. We had a pillow fight, which I kept ducking and hiding from him. Let's face it, I'm a chicken when it comes to pillow fights!

Yes, Cole and I did make love. And more than once. The night was simply amazing and both of us fought off sleep as long as we could. I held Cole as he slept and then soon I too dozed off. We woke up in the same position as we had fallen asleep. When I woke up, at first I thought I was at home with Tommy. But then I saw the piercings and such and realized I was still with Cole. I closed my eyes and opened them again to make sure I wasn't dreaming the night before up.

Let me say this before I go on. Cole has changed. He's pierced, and he's been with Luke a bit much. He loves to bite, as if he craves blood. And when he's had blood, his eyes turn a deep red color. It's really quite amazing and erotic when he feeds while having sex. I'm sure that the cleaning crew were looking for a body with all the blood we left on the sheets.

Anyway, I dropped Cole off at the main house and I went back to the guest house. Tommy was out swimming again and I didn't have a chance to talk to him. So, I lay down to catch up on the sleep that I'd missed the night before. All of that sex wore me out! Next thing I know, there's Cole, he let himself in and was just watching me sleep. We talked for a little bit, he said that he talked to Lex about the night before and everything was good. I didn't believe him, to tell the truth. But I didn't press the issue.

We made love again. He's the most erotic person I've ever met. Sex is the way Cole shows somebody how much he loves them. And he's very good at showing love, trust me. He was getting ready to leave and I begged him to stay. He started talking about leaving Rhydin. I'll have to be honest here. He just came back into my life. It was tearing me apart that he was talking about leaving again. He admitted that Lex left him. I felt terrible about that. The son of a bitch should have learned from my mistakes. He knows why Cole and I broke up. But that's his loss.

Then things turned rather kinky. He started talking and moving in a way that completely mesmerized me. We made love again and I was physically exhausted. I couldn't do much but lay there after and watch as Cole got dressed and then left. He said he wasn't going to leave Rhydin. I fell asleep pretty happy.

Tommy came back home not long after that. I woke up and there he was. After a bit of hemming and hawing, I came clean about everything Cole and I had done over the last two days. And bless his heart, Tommy was ok with it all. He understands loving more than one person and showing that love, even if it's intimate.

Question is, if I leave Tommy alone with the others too long, will he find another to love? I really need to spend more time with him. I'm going to go swimming with him today and just hang out with him. I love him so much. He's been so good to me. And patient and forgiving.

I got some sleep last night. I don't remember dreaming, but I must have slept pretty hard. I woke up after sleeping for twelve hours. And that brings me to this morning. There was Tommy, watching me sleep again. He smiled when I opened my eyes. I grabbed him up and we made love all morning long. It was fantastic!

Time to go, got my trunks on and we're going to sit in the jacuzzi.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-10-14 20:30 EST

>CLICK<

Been here in Greece some time with Cole and Luke. Lex is here too, which is kind of surprising. But it's all good. Cole's very happy and that's what matters. I've not seen Lex, and except for the time that Cole told me that he was there, Cole and I haven't discussed him. I'd really like to bury the hatchet with him, let the bad blood between us remain in the past. Maybe I'll go looking for him some day, just to talk. Cole loves him, that much is obvious. And I think that if we all got along, Cole would be even happier. We'll see.

Things with Cole and Luke are going pretty good. Sometimes we're all together, but mostly it's like Luke and I take shifts being with Cole. One thing's for certain, it feels good to get along with Luke and not be jealous. I don't know how or why I got over being jealous of anybody who even looked at Cole, but it's made life much more peaceful. Cole's even back to smiling all the time and swaying. I missed that. Anyway, Greece is great! We've sailed and scuba'd in the Med, went to nudist beaches, just hung out like an extended vacation. Even Marcia has been leaving me alone.

I got a package the other day. Plain brown wrapper, no return mailing address. How it found it's way to me, I'm not sure. But then there are people that do keep an eye on me. Anyway, this package had some pictures and papers in it. The pictures were of a really cute little baby boy. The papers are what floored me. It was a complete DNA analysis of the baby and me. The paperwork said that the analysis proved that I was the father of this little boy, within 99% certainty.

At first I thought it was some kind of joke. I mean the pictures are of a kid growing up. From infanthood to being a teenager. Hell, I'm only 19 myself, so how the hell am I this kid's father? I don't doubt that somebody has my DNA. Hell I was whoring around for how long? Wouldn't have been difficult to obtain a sample. The DNA tests were done little over a year and a half ago. So how the hell is this kid even a teenager yet? I've got so many questions. It seems that the only person that can answer them, or start to at least, is this kid. In the package was a tape that had this kid's, why do I keep calling him that? He's only a few years younger than me to look at him. Anyway, it has his voice on it. Soft, whispered voice. There was also a scrap of blanket in there. It had his scent, or so the note said.

I showed Cole the package. He's just as confused as I am. I told him that I'm going to go find out what is going on. Cole was completely understanding about everything. We made love and I promised I'd be back as soon as I had some answers. There was an address in the package and I figured that was as good as place as any to start my search. Cole came with me to the airport, I kissed him goodbye, and then I was on the plane. And that's where I am now. I stashed the pictures and other things in my bag. Looking at them now, I'm simply amazed. How did such a creep like me create such a beautiful person that is in these pictures?

I'm about to find out.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-11-05 20:21 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, so I talked to this guy for a while, and I left the hotel more confused that ever before. Then it dawns on me that the paperwork, as authentic as it looked, could be forged. I mean, this guy is only two and a half years younger than I am. Come on! So I found an old friend of mine who is a forensic specialist in documents. I gave him everything I had and he studied them for a few days. Conclusion: they were forged. There is no such lab as listed on the paperwork. I can honestly say I am more than relieved. I'm not ready to be a dad to a teenager.

So I went back to find this guy again and when I did, I apologized and explained everything. He really had no clue as to who would do such a thing either. I have a few ideas, but really, the plan failed so they can just go suck on a lemon or something.

I will say that this guy, his name is Evers, has turned out to be quite interesting. So interesting that he's been staying in my hotel room for a few nights now. And yes, things got pretty hot and heavy.

How many times have I said that I'm in love? More times than I care to count. I fall so easily. And I've done it again. There's something special about Evers that I simply can't live without now that I have it.

I've not even called back to Greece to see how Cole is doing. Is that wrong of me? The phone works both ways so if Cole wanted to talk, he'd call, right? Cole doesn't need me in his life. I'm just this disruptive force that destroys all that is good in his life. So I'll just quietly stay away.

And Evers, he has a bit of a dark past. And what he does, I've never seen a person do before. One minute he's this sweet, innocent guy. The next he's a cold blooded killer. And I don't mean that in any other way that the truest form of the expression.

Anyway, it's been great, we've gotten to know each other, going to get to know each other even more. We're going to do some travelling together, seeing how my job takes me from one place to the next all of the time. I don't plan on doing any working any time soon though. I like being able to tell Marcia that I'm taking some time off.

Ok, this has dragged on long enough. Going to take Evers out to dinner and a movie. Cya!

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-11-24 20:41 EST

>CLICK<

Been a few weeks since I talked to this little box. Not much happening in my life really. Been working a lot, Marcia makes sure of that. Haven't heard from the last boyfriend I had, so I guess that makes me single again. Isn't there some sort of three week rule? There should be. Anyway.

I called the Pi house and wouldn't you know it, there's a message saying that the boys have split up and most have moved to a place called Halloween Town and the rest have gone their seperate ways. It's a pity. Bunch of great guys, all of them. So I called and talked to Russ for a while. He's doing well, never thought I'd hear him say that he's gotten over his broken marriage and is now dating somebody new. Her name is Clarissa. He is crazy about her. I think even more crazy than he is about hot chocolate. And that's saying something.

I talked to Brandon for a while. He's doing good. He moved back home and started working. He's not dating anybody seriously, but he's been out on a few dates. It'll take him time to find just the right one, he's really picky. But that's cool.

Let's see, who else did I talk to recently? Oh yeah. I talked to Ty and he's doing what Ty does. What more can be said? He's dating some guy with an accent. I could hear him in the background. I didn't talk to him that much though. Was good to hear his voice.

Anyway, after I got done with catching up, I went out for a run. Felt good to stretch my legs. The hotel has a nice little gym and I worked out a bit. I'm getting the urge to start fighting again, and Marcia is having fits about that. Guess I'll just work the bag more and do some light sparring. Can't afford to lose my job because of my fists.

I keep running into models that ask me about my ex's. What can I say? I shrug and tell them that they're better off without me. I mean they make it obvious, right? And truly, I'm better off without strings to tie me down. So, I sleep with whoever, whenever. Nothing serious, I'm way too young to settle down. Just having fun doing what I'm doing now.

I did visit Rhydin for a little bit. Just hung out at the deli and stuff. I was going to go to the RDI, but when I got there, I saw one of my ex's cuddling on the couch with some chick. Makes me wonder how many that is for him now? Every time I see him, he's with somebody new. And he calls me a whore! I shouldn't complain, glad to be rid of that. Too many roosters and chickens in that hen house. It's like he has a harem now. And God forbid should anybody in that harem try to seek out anybody else. Being on the bad end of that one's powers is bad. I truly hope that none of his harem ever have to witness it.

Anyway, Scott's waiting for me. We're going to go see the town. Not even sure what town I'm in anymore, but what the hell? It's something to do. And maybe get some some a bit later.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2008-12-22 23:52 EST

>CLICK<

I got called away from a show in Paris to come home. My baby sister, Abigail, had fallen into respiratory arrest and was on a vent. They said they didn't know how long she would last. Her body was giving up the fight she had fought all of her life. Being born with Downs Syndrome, with the severity of it, they said that she wouldn't make it past five. Then twelve.

She was eighteen years old. I made it back in time to help take care of her in her last days. Even with that tube in her mouth, she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I wish I had spent more time with her. I miss her so much.

People don't realize how special people like Abigail are. They're so wrapped up in having everything just perfect and spot on that people like Abigail are pretty much ignored, put away in a place where nobody comes to visit. Nobody cares as they pass by on their way to work. Busy with their own perfect little lives.

I was just as bad. I was always off, working. I sent money, pictures, little trinkets. When she passed, she was wearing the St. Christopher pendant that I had bought for her. I just can't believe she's gone. I loved her so much. Why didn't I come more often? I remember her eyes lighting up every time I stepped through the door. I was her bubby D, she was my Sissy A. I miss you, Abigail.

It was a small service, just me, the parents and the priest. I made sure there were flowers everywhere. Abigail loved flowers. She loved butterflies too. There was something magical about her. She was simple. She didn't know any other way of being.

Marcia gave me a week off. I guess that was generous. I need to do something or I'm going to go crazy thinking. Maybe set up a trust fund for Downs Syndrome research. That sounds like a good thing, the right thing, to do.

I can't talk anymore. I love and miss my baby sister. Rest in peace, Abby.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2009-02-24 13:48 EST

>CLICK<

God, it's been a while. Where to begin? I guess where I left off. Abby's funeral took it's toll on me. Made me realize just how short life can be. I went on a wild streak for a while after the funeral. Got back into the drugs and alcohol. They were the only things that took the pain away. I didn't dream about my sister when I was high or drunk.

I got into a fight with Marcia. She nearly let me go. I was suspended for a month. I deserved it. Punched out another model right in front of her. I don't even know his name or why I did it. She made me go to anger management classes after that. Said if I didn't go, she'd cut me loose.

Anger management was a joke, at first. Just like everybody else there, I knew I didn't belong there. Me, have anger management issues? It took about two weeks until I finally saw it. Of course they kept us all in separate rooms. No need for us to kill each other in our first days, right? We had group every morning and then private counseling every Tuesday and Thursday nights.

They taught us ways to control the overwhelming rage that sometimes just ignites for no reason at all. We learned our triggers and how to avoid them. It was good. Very good. I've never felt so calm in my life. And I guess it also has to do with meeting Dan.

Dan's a model that works for Marcia too. So of course he's hot, gorgeous, has a fantastic body. But he's so different than I am. He's quiet and shy. He simply does his work, then changes and leaves. During shows, he always has a book in his hands. Some of the others thought he was stuck up. A snob. But not me. I wanted to get to know him. Solve the mystery, you know?

He's incredibly shy. So much that getting a conversation started with him was nearly impossible at first. But I'm determined, if nothing else. I continued to try to talk to him, made silly jokes to try to lighten things up. And finally, he did start to open up to me. We've become the best of friends and are nearly inseparable when we're working the same shows.

I guess it's good we don't see each other every day. We keep in contact, texting, phone messages, video conferences. The once quiet and shy Dan has become my best friend, and my partner. I'm not sure who seduced who. It just kind of happened. But that's my life. Things just kind of happen. There's no big plan.

Anyway, next week Dan and I are going to take a small vacation together. Marcia thinks that it's all her doing. She's glad that we're both happy and that we've found the one that completes the other. Where he's shy and reserved, I can be loud and obnoxious. Where I can be a hot head, all he has to do is touch my hand and I'm cool as a cucumber again.

I won't say I'm in love. Too many hearts have fallen in the ocean for me to do that again. But I think that it's getting there. Dan is just what I needed.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2009-07-10 20:14 EST

>CLICK<

So much for Dan being what I needed. While we were on vacation, he got a text message. I will admit, it was none of my business, but I looked at it anyway. It was his wife. She wanted him to come home. His wife! I couldn't believe it. I confronted him about it and he laughed it off, saying it was his sister playing tricks on him.

Well the vacation came to a close and when I woke up that last morning, I was alone. He left a note saying that he was sorry, that he couldn't pretend any longer. That while he had fun with me, our relationship was nothing more than an experiment to him. That he hadn't been sure about which side of the fence that he swung on. He tried to make it sound so sweet and that if he weren't already so in love with his wife, that he and I would be together. What a bunch of crap.

I called Marcia to find out when the next show was, that I was ready to be on the road. So that's where I'm heading next, to Rome. I asked her if Dan would be there. She said of course not, his wife had went into labor. Labor! No wonder he was so quiet. He was living two lives. The freaking prick. Wife and kids. Great. Now I'm the stupid one.

Thinking of retiring. I've made a bit of money, it's enough to last me a while. Maybe I'll just take an extended haitus. I don't know. I stopped in Rhydin for a while to see some old friends and just relax a bit. Met a cute guy in the Market. He's lycan, too. So far, he's been a lot of fun to hang out with, he kisses like no other.

Am I stupid for falling again? It's been months since Dan disappeared. Time to move on, right? It feels right. I just am afraid of rushing. But I can't help myself. Paris is amazing.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2009-07-11 09:27 EST

>CLICK<

Went on a date with Paris. Grabbed a picnic basket from the deli and we went to the lake in the Southern Glen. It was nice and peaceful. And I enjoyed simply having somebody to talk to. The fact that we fed each other, held each other and kissed only added to the easy, peaceful feelings that have come over me since I met Paris.

It probably sounds like the same old story. Dirk meets a guy, thinks that it's forever, then the guy or Dirk leaves. I don't see that happening with Paris. We agree on so many things. And it's like we're kindred spirits. Like I've known him my entire life. It's crazy, wonderful, exciting and a balm to my soul.

I do believe he is just what I needed.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2009-11-29 18:44 EST

>CLICK<

Yeah, well, same old song and dance. I really should stop saying somebody is forever. Things happen, people drift apart. We had a good thing, Paris and I. But, my luck is always the same. Good things never last for long with me.

I'm keeping busy. There was a storm that pretty much wiped out a good part of Rhy'din. I came back to help Sadie with the Deli. Luckily only a small part of the roof was damaged and that was easily fixed. The deli stayed open and we fed a lot of hungry, displaced people. Felt good to do something good for a change.

We've begun hiring again. I interviewed a guy who is Rosie, over and over again. He was nice, funny and could bake! No more cinnamon rolls for me! My arms hurt enough.

Going to head back in. Break's over and the deli is as crowded as ever. Good to be back. I missed this place.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2010-02-28 12:54 EST

>CLICK<

Been a while, my little one red eyed friend. Thought I lost you. Guess things were just too boring and too normal to pick you up and talk to you. There's nothing new to really report. Tried going out with a couple of guys. Was nice to cuddle and make out, but nothing more than that happened. I don't know if it's me, but that drive to get laid all of the time just isn't there anymore.

Yes, I know, I've been a major slut in my past. I'd have done anything that moved, for the most part. But now, it's just not that way anymore. Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe I should talk to a doctor about that dysfunction thing where guys take blue pills.

Or maybe I just should, I don't know, just go with it. I really don't miss the sex all that much. Maybe my past relationships, and not the one night stands, and how badly they ended, have caught up with me. I treated some very good guys very badly.

Dirk the jerk. Yeah, that's me.

I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but they say that you're your own worst enemy. And I guess that's true. I don't know. Maybe I should give Marcia a call and get up on the catwalk again. I feel truly alive up there. I can be anybody I want to be. It's fun and exciting and I meet all sorts of interesting and very hot people doing that. Might be time to give her a call. Yeah. Think I'll do that.

Been having dreams about my exes. I hope they're doing alright. Would like to contact them, just to see how they're doing. But I don't dare. They ended for a reason. I think one or two have restraining orders against me. Ha! But yeah, nice to see them in dreams, anyway.

The Deli's doing very well. The new staff and Sadie's boyfriend are just what this place needed for a pick me up. And the money's not bad either. The tips, alone, keep my electric bill paid. Sadie's making some small changes, though. She's not as uptight and bitchy as she used to be. I guess we have Mat to thank for that. He's a... trip. I've only met him and talked to him a few times, but he's left a good impression on me. And if he could get Sadie out of that funk she was in? Even better.

So yeah, life's boring right now. But it's nice. Maybe being alone isn't as bad as I thought.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2010-05-28 16:44 EST

>CLICK<

Oh my God! I wasn't going to say anything to you, my recorder friend, or Sadie or anybody else. But I just have to let it out. I've met somebody new. Somebody so different from any other man I've ever met. Quinn's just... amazing.

I must have done something right in a previous life to have Quinn make an entrance into this one. He's smart, funny, gorgeous and we fell so hard, so fast. I was so afraid to wake up and he'd been a dream. But morning after morning, I wake up and there he is, laying next to me, making his funny little noises and faces that he makes when he's asleep.

Quinn's got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Leave it to me, I'm a sucker for pretty eyes. But yeah, they're this cloudy gray that changes to silver or steel colored. I keep teasing him that he should talk to Marcia. But he hates being in front of a camera, so that'll never happen.

He's got two kids and an ex-wife, not to mention the rest of the family, that I'm going to meet soon. The only person in his family that knows he's gay is his ex-wife. But he's wanting to come out of the closet and just be who he is. He doesn't think his family is going to give him a very good reception, but as long as we're together everything will be ok.

Can't talk long, I'm on a break. More later.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2010-07-04 14:30 EST

>CLICK<

Jiminy Crickets, where do I begin? The last month has been one crazy day after the other. In a nutshell, Genny and Quinn have both moved in, Genny's a fag hag, Quinn's now my fiance and we're about to have a 4th of July barbeque with Quinn's ex, their two kids Maria and Little Quinn, Russ and Genny and Eli are going to be there, too. Mom would love it. Kids playing and laughing in the house again. I could see Dad trying to teach the kids how to fish. I just wish that mom and dad and Abi could have met my new family.

I've been so blessed over the last few months. My life has taken a turn I never expected and it must have been the right choice. And I feel like I keep making the right choices because things have never been so quiet and peaceful in my life.

Quinn. God must have sent him to me. He's saved me in more ways than he'll ever know. He's not just an amazing lover, but he's my best friend. We can say anything to each other and it doesn't turn into a shouting or punching match. I just don't know what else I can say about him. I've never known love like this. It's so unselfish that.. that... I don't know how to describe it.

He's not jealous of my friends, either. He openly accepted Genny's moving in with a smile and asking when she needed help to move her stuff. He thinks Russ is crazy; but who doesn't? The only friend that he's had a hard time with is Eli. And that's because Eli has it so bad for Genny. It's funny to watch him stumble over himself in front of her. Quinn's very protective of Genny. So there's been a little bit of conflict between Quinn and Eli. But I'm sure it'll work itself out. If there ever was anybody that I'd choose for Genny, it's Eli. He's as harmless as a toothless blue tick hound. Just thank God he doesn't look like one!

So yeah, hanging out at the old homestead. Gave Abi's teddy bear to Genny and she gave me the best gift in the world back. I was able to see and feel through Abi's eyes and feel how happy she was. There was a lot of things that weren't clear; but everytime my baby sister looked at me, there was nothing but pure joy. At least, that's what I felt. And it's so good to know that she felt the bond that I had felt, too. That it wasn't all in my head. I had a good, long cry that night. I dreamed of Abi that night.

Gotta go, Michelle's complaining about the bugs again.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2010-07-30 14:37 EST

>CLICK<

We've settled into a peaceful existance here at the house by the lake. Quinn and I hunt on the full moon and sometimes between. He's learning to control things a lot better and faster than I ever had. Maybe because he's a white wolf. I've never seen anything as beautiful as Quinn when he shifts. His fur is snowy white and so soft. And his eyes remain silver in color. He's amazing.

I wont' say things are boring, far from it. Everyday we explore more of the family's land. We pack a lunch and just point the truck and go. Most of the time we park somewhere and get out to take long hikes that last all day long. I never knew there were dilapidated slave cabins on the land. I was thinking of having them razed, but Quinn said that there is some sort of historical value, not to mention the souls resting peacefully within those walls shouldn't be disturbed. Sometimes he can be so spiritual.

We're getting the kids this weekend. Not sure how Quinn managed to finangle that with Michelle, but she's not coming. I can't wait. I've already got the twenty two that was mine as a kid all cleaned up and ready for Little Quinn. Though Big Quinn doesn't think he should have it. I learned to shoot squirrel when I was little. I learned to do a lot of things and I never killed anybody. Well, not with a gun at least. But, Quinn is their biological dad, so I will keep the twenty two until little Quinn is older.

I've got a surprise in store for Maria. I've not even told Quinn that I'm going to do it. Abi had, has, had... a large Barbie Doll collection. Most of the dolls haven't been touched and they're still in the boxes with their fancy dresses. Lots of Holiday Barbies. All of it, and Abi's room, are going to be Maria's. I think Abi would have wanted it this way. Somebody to love and cherish her dolls as much as she did.

Quinn's waking up. Time to get going to the airport.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2010-09-09 14:39 EST

>CLICK<

Been a while. I think Quinn is missing. I mean, I've not seen or heard from him in over a month. He doesn't answer his phone, doesn't return text messages, nothing. I'm worried that something bad happened to him.

He took the kids home and I went out on a photo shoot. I should have told Marcia no, but Quinn insisted that I go work and that we'd meet up after the shoot. I went to Cabo San Lucas and Quinn never showed up. I've been looking for him in different places, but no Quinn.

I don't want to give up, what he and I shared... God. I miss him so much I just can't say. But when he's no where to be found and hasn't responded to any messages that I've left, what am I to think?

I've had others leave me before, but they all had good reason to. I slept around, a lot. But this time, I just don't get it. Did he really leave me? Is he rotting somewhere in a jungle in South America? God, this is driving me insane.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know where else to look. I tried contacting Michelle and the kids, no responses from them either. When I went to where they lived, nobody was there. It's like they've all just disappeared.

Maybe this is payback for all of the bad things I've ever done in my life. All I know is that I miss him so much. It hurts so bad. I'd do anything to see him again.

Can't believe I'm crying.

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2010-09-25 16:50 EST

>CLICK<

God. Found Quinn, just in time I think. Not sure what happened, not sure I want to know. From the bits and pieces he's told me and from what I've seen, I think I can figure it out. And it's giving me nightmares.

Little Quinn, Maria and Michelle. Quinn's family. My family. Gone. They were with Quinn and he had to watch them die. The room I found him in... it was horrible. Decaying bodies, blood everywhere, piles of goo that must have been the fucking bloodsuckers that killed my family. And Quinn, he was bound with silver chains. I think he'll be forever scarred on his belly.

I let him go and this happens. Never going to happen again. Where I go, he goes. Where he goes, I go. I can't believe they're gone. Little Quinn, my little man. And Maria, our little lady. Jesus! Why the fuck did they do that? WHY?!

Quinn remembers so little. Maybe it's better that he doesn't remember. I don't know. I'm going to talk to Genny. This is all so fucked up.

Why are the people I love dying?

>click<

QuinnDeFortes · Date: 2010-10-19 04:49 EST

Quinn was tossing through drawers, apparently he thought that his wallet could be in with Dirk?s ascots. In the fumbling he hit the button for his better halfs voice recorder.

<CLICK>

?Really? Does one man need this many neckerchiefs?Sometimes I think I married that blonde kid from the Scooby Doo crew?Frank? Franz? Fred?FRED! ?God damn it. I swear I put my wallet right on the dresser, it has to have fallen in here somewhere.?

A pause and some rummaging this bit would be heard, broken and muffled, as he had crossed the room and was looking for his wallet in the nightstand.

?BABE! ARE WE RUNNING AN ADULT SHOP OUT OF THE NIGHTSTAND DRAWERS??

He called out down the hall, but with no audiable response. Back to the dresser, the little red recording light was seen. A cant of his head and he mused to himself as he riffled.

?I swear to christ if this is a video camera, I am going to either flip out, or demand we play these tapes whenever we?Oh it?s a tape recorder. TESTING TESTING?For all you listening at home this tape recorder belongs to the sexiest man alive, who will some day find this tape and be reminded of how much I really and truly love him. I love you baby.?

<CLICK>

<CLICK>

?Oh and if you find my wallet?can you let me know. I can?t find it anywhere and you always know so much better than I do?Thanks in advance sexy. I love you.?

<CLICK>

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2010-12-08 14:18 EST

>CLICK<

I'm feeling regretful right now. A dream I had last night has me thinking about things. About choices I've made in my life. Some of the choices were good, some were bad and others were simply terrible. But if I hadn't made those choices, would I be where I am today?

In this dream I was alone in a courtroom. The wood was polished and there was a gavel sitting on a really tall desk. There wasn't anything in that room to be frightened of, but I was terrified. I could hear murmurings, and those became louder. Sniffling and crying, people repeating over and again, "how could you?" How could I what?

That's when the room got dark. I could see the outlines of people milling towards me like zombies in a movie. They shuffled slowly, I could hear their feet scraping on the tile floors. I tried to see their faces, to hear what they were mumbling. But all I could hear was, "How could you?"

Suddenly, one of the heads snaps up and all I see are these eyes, staring at me. Bright olive green eyes, full of pain and tears. They grow dull, and another pair of eyes, blue green and full of anger and hate. Those, too, grew dull; only to be replaced by another set of eyes, and another. So many shades of colors, so many people.

Then it strikes me, these are the people that I've loved in my lifetime. My most intimate friends that I've taken to my bed and to my heart. I reach out to touch them and they cried out in a single voice, "No!" and disappear. The room grows bright once again and I'm led away by guards. I'm in shackles. I can't move, can't breathe.

And that's where I woke up. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?

>click<

Dirk Stevens · Date: 2011-01-15 11:39 EST

>CLICK<

Ok, so it's been a while. Haven't really had a need to talk to this thing. Something has come up and it's bugging me. It shouldn't, but it does.

First off, Quinn's got this whole "I'm old, I'm older than you, do you see gray hairs?" thing going on. I've never seen a gray hair on the man's head and I honestly don't think he can get them now. Anyway, so he was going through this sort of crisis.

I've tried to tell him he's not old. Sure, he's older than I am by about six years. But in the grand scheme of things, who really cares? I don't. I've tried comforting him, doing everything I can think of. I'm not sure what brought this on, but truly it got frustrating.

So, I had promised not to go anywhere without him after that incident with the vampires and the kids. Well, Marcia called me a few days before Christmas. She was desperate, the model she'd hired came down with chicken pox, of all things. So I said I'd go. She could only get one ticket. So, Quinn encourages me to go, he was going to fly out on the next available flight.

So, off I go. To Earth. The Bahamas. It was warm and yeah. But I didn't want to think about much more than working. I hate being apart, wondering what's happening with him.

That sounds wrong. I just don't want anything bad happening. He's still getting used to the lycanthropy and can be a bit unstable. I can calm him down just by touching his arm.

Anyway, I get a phone call from Quinn. He sounds so excited and I'm thinking that he just can't wait to see me, right? Ha. He tells me that he is bringing me a present. Somebody we could both enjoy. My first thought was, "oh shit, here we go again." I mean, I've done threesomes, foursomes... nobody with a conscience ever walks away from those things without being scarred.

But Quinn seemed to want to do this pretty bad. And, to go with the crisis he'd been having I was like what the hell. So he brings this guy with him. They show up earlier than I had expected.

So, we start doing stuff with this kid. And he was a kid. Just a kid. Couldn't have been more than eighteen. Idiot didn't listen and held his breath. He passed out. Anyway, Quinn and I could barely look at each other while this is going on. I surely didn't want to do it, but if it made Quinn happy...

So we talked about it while the kid was passed out. He said he brought the guy because he'd listened to my old tapes and thought that I was really into group sex. I told him that part of me died a long time ago. I also told him that the only reason why I did anything with the kid is because I thought that's what Quinn wanted me to do.

So, the rest of the weekend, we puttered around the island. The kid was a nutjob, constantly wanting to jump in the sack with me and Quinn. Together, separately, he didn't care. Without Quinn, I didn't hardly even look at him.

The kid went back to Rhy'din. Quinn and I spent the rest of the time there at the photo shoot or relaxing on the beach. Of course there was stuff at night.

I just wanted to get this out there. If Quinn is listening, I want him to know my side of the story. I honestly did not and do not want to do things with anybody other than him. I don't want or need anybody other than him.

And I'm glad he said the same about me. I just hope that he can get past the age difference. Babe, really. It doesn't matter to me. You'll always be my Papi.

>click<

Topic: Random Thoughts...

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