(This post was inspired by the word prompt thread in the following folder: http://rdi.dragonsmark.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=28824 The word is Halcyon:
Definition (per Merriam-Webster):
1.calm; peaceful; tranquil:
2.rich; wealthy; prosperous:
3.happy; joyful; carefree:)
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know?
?Sabine?? The voice spoke inside of my head but I answered out loud.
?What?? I tossed and turned to find a new position in my bed. If Shifra was wanting my attention I had a feeling this was going to take a while and I wanted to be comfortable.
The reincarnation gone bad living in my head rarely talks to me these days. Of course she would want to when I?m exhausted, but I am always exhausted. There is just too much on my plate and I don?t know how to say no. To say Shifra and I have a stressful relationship would be putting it lightly.
Living with a voice in your head isn?t easy, especially when it?s bossy, destructive, and thinks it has rights to your body. However annoying she might be, she has been on her best behavior lately, quiet even but I have felt her stirring and knew that I would be hearing from her soon. Tonight it seemed her best behavior would end.
?I want to see Mordecai. You said you?d consider letting us have a night together.? I instantly groaned at her request.
Mordecai, I should add, is Shifra?s husband. He is a Walker and is thousands of years old. It?s his fault that we?re in this predicament. He couldn?t accept that his wife had died and so he played a game that he did not fully understand. Thousands of years after Shifra?s death and Mordecai?s attempt at bringing her back, he found me. His presence is what woke her up. There had always been something there but it was mostly white noise. She and I never interacted and I never knew anything about the companion in my head. I just always had this feeling that something was off, that I was not quite alone.
The moment Mordecai came around however, Shifra got loud. She was suddenly awakened and making demands. Mordecai thinks that I should let Shifra have control of my body, after all it was hers first. Technically. But I?m not the asshole who played with the dead. This is my body and my life. Why should I give it up for his science experiment gone wrong? Shifra understands...sometimes. She was an Estrie. It?s some sort of ancient vampire, like a very sexual vampire. Needless to say the girl has needs, needs I have been unable to meet in recent months and she has taken several opportunities to let me know that she is not happy about that but she hasn?t been pushy.
Finally I answered her. ?I said I?d consider it Shifra.? What she was really asking is if I?d let her take over my body and let her sleep with him.
?So you?ve decided not to let me be with him??
?This is my body, I get to decide. Right now my decision is no, but I?ll think about it.?
?Is it because of Jacob??
?Partly. He and I are figuring things out. He?s not like me? you. He doesn?t like sharing. And I?m not sure I want to share my body with Mordecai. It?s his fault we?re in this mess and I don?t have any feelings for him. I can?t just sleep with someone like that. It just feels wrong and I can?t change how I feel.?
?But you expect me to hang out while you sleep with guys I don?t approve of??
?Shifra. You approve of all guys. And girls. You like it and I know it. Don?t think for a second that I can?t feel your influence.?
?It doesn?t matter. You get what you want. I should get what I want. Just a night. One night with my husband.?
?I can?t.?
?Please.?
?I won?t. I won?t do that to Jacob or myself. Give us time. We?ll do stuff and you can be the creepy lurker that you are and get off on it. You and I are just going through a dry spell. Once I get some action I?m sure you?ll feel more content.?
?I could make you.?
?You could try.?
?You haven?t seen what I can do to you. How much of you I control. Remember when you hit Aoife? I could make it so much worse Sabine.?
?Shifra. I just want to sleep. I?m exhausted. Can?t we talk about this tomorrow? I just need some peace and quiet. I had a really good day, I?ve been having a lot of really good days. If I could just get some decent sleep then things would be going the best they?ve gone in a while. Let?s talk about it tomorrow. Maybe a clear head will help me weigh the pros and cons.?
?No. I like you worn down, Sabine. You?re easier to manipulate. You?re such a puppet. You know that, right? Everyone is always using you to get something. You don?t even see it. That redheaded psychopath Tara was dead on when she started calling you meat-puppet.?
?Shut up, Shifra. You?re the only one that manipulates me and wants to use me like some nasty sex puppet so you can get your rocks off.?
?Oh really? What about Fin? What was it he said? ?I used you.?? She cackled. ?You?re just a doormat. You might as well put an open sign on your forehead and lay back. You certainly don?t think Ketch was with you for any other reason do you? What could you have possibly given him? Ten years difference in age, zero life experience and a host of mental problems. Yeah I?m sure he was all about that.?
?Shifra don?t. Don?t go there. I will never let you see Mordecai again. Don?t you bring him up. He and I are in a good place. It just didn?t work out.?
?That?s what you think, Doormat. I?ll dig through your brain. You?ll be running to Mordecai just to get relief from me.?
Already I was starting to feel panicked. Having conversations with a voice in your head would drive most people over an edge. It?s just weird and on top of that, this voice did have power over me. It was scary but I tried not to give into my fears. I wanted to be strong and not back down.
?Cane can stop you. He has before. He can put you to sleep.?
?And how long has that lasted? I always come back don?t I? He?s a weak Warlock, nothing compared to me. You have no idea of how powerful I was. How powerful I still am.?
?You underestimate him. And you forget the fact that you?re dead. Must not be that powerful.? Why was I even bothering? I shouldn?t have engaged her at all. All this was doing was giving her more time to dig around in my head and say cruel things? cruel things that affected me so much more than I wanted them to. My self confidence tends to be somewhere between non-existent and shitty. She knows exactly how to provoke me and bring my fears to life.
?No you put too much faith in men Sabine. Especially in those two shit heads you think of as your Guardian Angels. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. They?re all worthless you know? All of them, all of those guys you hang on. Use them and move on to bigger and better things.?
?Is that why you want Mordecai? So you can use him? I think you still love him. Take your own advice. Move on Shifra. It?s been thousands of years. He?s a fucktard who couldn?t put you in the ground where you belonged.?
?You know nothing of our love. He would do anything for me!?
I winced and slapped my hands over my ears as if I could ease the pain of Shifra?s screaming. Rolling on the bed, I sat up quickly and began to whimper at the way her voice seemed to ricochet from one side of my head to the other and stab at my brain.
?Stop. Stop screaming. Just calm down.? I begged as I rocked back and forth like a small child. I instantly wanted to go to my safe my place. I wanted to be at Matadero and I wanted Cane to make this stop but instead I began to retreat inside myself and let her break me down.
?No. You?ve had long enough to comply. I?m done waiting Sabine. You should have let me have Mordecai when you had the chance. Ketch didn?t mind sharing you. You should have closed your mouth and opened your legs more, maybe he would have stuck around. When will you learn? You?re only good for one thing. Hell you?re only good at it because of me. Without me you?re a wet mop. There is nothing special about you. You have nothing to offer anyone.?
?Stop it. You cannot say those kinds of things. Please stop.? I rocked harder, not even realizing how loud my own voice was growing.
?Like you deserve it. You?re pathetic. No better than your mother. She was only good for one thing too. You?ll probably end up just like her, used up and alone in some dank apartment waiting on your next fix. No one will ever love you.?
?I will never be like her. And you?re wrong. You?re wrong Shifra. You?re jealous.?
?But you?re so well on your way, you?re already turning into her. How many men have there been? Oh and women too. Five, six? In eight months. Such a slut.?
?Shut the hell up Shifra. How many of those were your influence?? I screamed and threw the pillow from my bed and swung out my arms in frustration as if I could physically attack her. Instead I managed to knock over my bedside lamp, busting the bulb.
Shifra cackled again obviously amused with the impact that she had on my life.
The laughing echoed inside of my head. It was piercing. It instantly gave me a headache and my stomach flopped. I was nauseated and even dry heaved as I sat on the edge of the bed, my feet now on the floor and crushing the glass of the light bulb into the carpet. I barely registered that my feet were getting sliced and shards were now embedded in my skin.
?Please just let me sleep. I?ll think about Mordecai. I?ll talk to Jacob. I?ll try to get used to the idea.? I sniffled softly as tears of frustration and exhaustion rolled down my cheeks. A hand lifted to swipe across my face as I stood up and started a painful descent down the stairs only now realizing how much glass was in my feet. Clutching my head I whimpered softly, overwhelmed with the pain in my body and how horrible Shifra was making me feel.
?No more thinking Sabine. You think to much. Just do. I want Mordecai. I want him now and you?re going to bring me to him.?
?I will not. I will not hurt Jacob like that. I won?t hurt myself.?
?Then you pay the price.?
?I can handle you Shifra.? My reply came in a shaky voice that sounded afraid and lacked confidence entirely.
There was another laugh, something akin to a wicked step-mother and then there was the most grating noise I had ever heard racking through my skull. It was like nails on a chalkboard but even more piercing. My hands slapped against my head again and my nails sunk into my scalp. As I dragged my fingers down I gouged my skin and caused blood to well and trickle down immediately. From the roots of my hair down to my jaw I left five grooves on either side of my face and then jagged marks scored my neck. It was then that I lost my balance and fell down the last four stairs, head over feet. Landing on the floor of my living room I stared up, my vision was blurred by tears and a sweep of purple hair that fell over my face.
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name?
?Look around Sabine. You?re alone. You?re frequently alone. They don?t love you. They certainly don?t need you. You?re a pawn. One of your closest friends has you cleaning his toilet for a living. He took pity on you. As the rest did. Just like the night you threw yourself at Cane. Pity. Didn?t he fuck women before you? You were so awful you turned him off of women for good.?
She was wrong. I knew she was wrong but I couldn?t find the words to fight back. I was broken. I was completely broken and terrified. I didn?t know how to handle this.
?Eres una chica tan encantadora, campanilla.Te quiero, mi amiga estimada.? A memory of Sal drifted through my mind. The words were slow and just barely audible in my head, but I could hear his voice. I could hear him say he loved me. I tried to anchor myself to the memory. If I could hold on to it, maybe I could pull myself out of this pit. I could fight back. I knew Shifra was a liar and she wanted to break me down, but it was so hard to fight against her. I was so tired.
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know?
Struggling to my feet I moved with purpose to the kitchen. There was a pitcher of cold brewed tea in the fridge. Aoife?s tea. The tea that had a mixture of herbs that worked to suppress my abilities as a Hybrid, mostly the Werewolf half. Pouring a glass I began to chug it and tried to ignoring the way the wolfsbane burned my throat raw almost instantly. Setting the glass down I went into a coughing fit and didn?t startle at the way blood splattered my hand. I knew the cost of drinking these herbs. Instead I refilled the glass and chugged again.
?What are you doing Sabine??
?Shutting you up.?
?By making yourself temporarily more human??
?Yes. If I slow down my healing I can take a few pills and pass out. I?ll sleep undisturbed for at least eight hours and then I can wake up and deal with you when I have a clear head. In the morning. Things are always better in the morning.?
Another glass was poured and sucked down. Three. Three glasses ought to put enough of the herbs in my system to keep me from healing up and burning through the pills. That was one major downfall of being a Hybrid, it was super hard to get high or drunk and stay that way. Forget about medications working properly. Generally I didn?t need any of that stuff, but there were rare occasions like tonight.
Walking into the bathroom I stared at herself in the mirror. Blink. Blink.
I watched the way blood trickled down my face and only then noticed that my nails were actually turning into claws. I was losing it. I was losing my mind and the control that I had over my animalistic half. My body began to shake again as I realized how on the edge I was and how quickly Shifra was able to push me there. To say I was desperate wouldn?t even touch the surface of how badly I needed to end this. I needed her out of my head. I needed quiet. I was in a dangerous situation. If I lost control, if I turned...me loose in the city would certainly bring about consequences that I wasn?t ready to deal with.
"I ain't good with emotion, cher. I don't always know how to tell people I care or that I love 'em. But I've been workin' on this song 'a yours for months...It ain't anything that's going to help fix what's going on wit'cha right now...but it's yours. Proof ya ain't far from my mind. An' that'cha got a permanent place in my songbook." Cane. His accent was as thick as always in my memories but even still I could never reproduce it just right. The words of his song drifted through my mind. ?We are shaped by the light we let through us, we break fast, cause we are glass.?
I tried to tie this memory to the one of Sal, once again trying to hold on to them, trying to stay positive and struggle through this.
?Lies.? A whispering hiss startled me from my memories. My eyes went back to the mirror and I could see her. I could see Shifra struggling for control. It was obvious in the way my eyes glowed and the color seemed to swirl and tumble like an angry sea.
?I?m going to win Sabine.? Another hiss from inside my head and it felt as if she raked her nails through my brain and then beat against my skull like she was trying to escape.
Screaming at the top of my lungs I threw my head forward smashing it against the glass mirror that hung on the front of the medicine cabinet. It shattered instantly and jagged pieces of glass broke from the frame to fall into the sink and on the floor.
?We are glass.? Cane?s words echoed again and I stared down marveling at how easily the mirror had broken. Just like me.
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still...
There was enough glass hanging jaggedly in the frame that when I looked up I could see the way my forehead was split open. More blood ran down and dripped off the bridge of my nose. It was then that I smiled crookedly at my reflection and opened the cabinet door. I knew now what I had to do. I knew this would work. I would beat her.
?You?re insane. You know that right? Just another reason Ketch left you. He couldn?t handle your crazy. No one can handle it Sabine. That?s why they all leave. They will always leave you. Mordecai and I are your best chance. Just let me take over, you can see what real love is like. You can finally have peace. No more worrying about people who don?t care about you. No more stress. No more barely keeping your head above water. We?ll leave. We?ll start a new life. You can sleep all you want.?
I stared at the rows of prescriptions on the the shelves inside the cabinet. I hadn?t taken most of them in months.
?Peace?? I asked her with a shaky voice. She had piqued my interest. I wanted peace so badly. To not have to struggle.
?Peace. Tranquility. We?ll travel the world. You won?t have to work your fingers to the bone. No bills to pay. Just come along for the ride. You can be carefree for once. Happy.?
I took a bottle down and read the label. My sleeping pills. They had never worked all that well before. I dropped them in the sink and combed through the shattered glass to pick up the bottle again as another memory surfaced.
"I know we're not....we aren't... you aren't...and...Love. We're not there. But, I wanted to make it. I wanted to make love with you tonight." The night before I turned, the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world before everything changed was to have one last amazing human experience.
?There's not so much difference anymore for me, you know. With you. It's all coming from the same place, just in different modes of expression." That was his reply to my request. Ketch never said I love you like a normal person but I think that was the first time he tried to tell me. That was the night that I knew I mattered. And a week or later... "I do. I love you. It's what I feel." He loved me.
They all love me. They?ve said it. They?ve shown it. Shifra was a liar. She knows my weaknesses and exploits them in the best ways that she knows how.
?Jacob.? I had him to think of. He was my reason now. He was my hope and my happiness. My hand unscrewed the lid to the bottle and I felt Shifra clawing inside my head again, frantic at the idea of me shutting her out; livid that I didn?t believe her. I had my memories. I had my future. All she had were self serving and empty promises. She could never give me what I desired. No true peace. No real happiness. And she would certainly never love me.
?No, Shifra.? I struggled to see as blood ran into my eyes, stinging them and making them tear up again. I used the back of my hand to wipe the blood away. I was a mess.
It was then that Shifra went ballistic. I had never felt pain like that before and the bottle dropped from my hand once again, pills scattered all over the glass littered floor. Dropping to my knees I couldn?t help but claw at my head again, I marveled at how easily clumps of hair were torn from my head, and how easily my claws could shred my own skin to ribbons. Staring down at my arms I watched as the skin peeled back in limp flaps and the way the muscle moved beneath just before blood gushed out and everything was hidden by the deep red pools that overflowed from my body to the floor.
?I?ll heal. Just a little slower than normal.? I told her as I reached out and collected several of the pills from the floor. Shoving up I wandered back to the kitchen, leaving a trail of blood behind me and poured the last glass of tea. Six pills. Hopefully it would be enough. I?d sleep. There would be quiet. I?d heal and I would wake. With a bloody hand I shoved the pills into my mouth and washed them down with the tea, gagging on the blood in my raw throat. And then began to cough violently as my body tried to reject the poisonous herbs.
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am?
Staggering to the living room, I stood in the middle of it, grinning like a mad man. I beat her. I beat Shifra.
?What have you done? You?re going to kill us both!? She screamed at me and now it was my turn to cackle.
?Go to sleep bitch. Tomorrow. We?ll have tomorrow.? I staggered a bit, my balance was off. I don?t know if it was due to me hitting my head when I fell down the stairs or the blood loss. Maybe it was the herbs. Could it be the pills already?
Shifra was frantic again, she was trying harder than ever to take over. But I was slowly growing numb. It didn?t hurt like before. Another step forward and then I tripped over my own feet. I barely felt my head smack into the corner of the trunk that I use as my coffee table. Rolling on to my back I stared up at the ceiling and then my eyes rolled to the side and I stared at the sea of origami fish hanging above my couch. My eyes lingered on a black koi.
?Black koi. That?s what I picked for your tattoo... The koi symbolizes perseverance and endurance, the black koi in particular. Chinese legend says the koi swam up a waterfall through a dragon gate to be transformed into a dragon. They swim to their own success.? Ketchs words from one of the letters he wrote to me after we broke up. I smiled as I thought of how he thought of me, the confidence that he had in me even after all was said and done. I could do this. I could beat Shifra. I would persevere.
I started to cough again and lifted my head up to cough out the blood that was running down the back of my raw throat.
?Shifra??
No response.
?Shifra. Why are you so quiet??
Why is it so cold? Is that my teeth chattering?
?Shifra. Something isn?t right. Shifra!? I tried to move but could barely lift my arm. My hand slapped around on the trunk where I knew my phone would be and then slid back down empty handed as I was unable to wrap my fingers around it. I was losing control of my muscles and it was then that I realized what a terrible mistake I had made.
I started to cough again, this time it was pink tinted foam.
I could hear sirens in the distance growing closer.
Soon there was a knock at the door. ?Police! We?ve received a call about a domestic disturbance.? A moment later a fist pounded on the door so hard that I swore I could feel the vibrations in the floor.
I?m here. I?m in here I wanted to scream but I couldn?t get my body to cooperate.
Outside one officer signaled to another and then the door burst open.
?Fuck.?
There was static as one officer pushed the button on his radio. ?We?re going to need an ambulance.? Another rushed forward, dropping to his knees and pressing fingers to my neck, searching for my pulse.
?There?s a pulse. It?s weak. Put a rush on that bus.?
The radio beeped and words were spoken as the officer started to survey the apartment, cautiously moving around in case I was not alone. The officer on his knees began compressions against my chest and then turned me on my side to allow the foam and blood to free my airway.
?Come on. Come on.?
?All clear.? A moment later the other officer returned holding an empty prescription bottle and held it up.
?Come on stay with me. Help is on the way.? More compressions to my chest. ?You don?t want to go like this.? A ragged breath was barely drawn in and then a gurgled noise followed.
Everything was getting so dark. My memories began to tangle together and I struggled to hold on to them. Keep me here, keep me in the light. Where were my anchors?
I was slowly dancing, I was wrapped in arms. What was this memory? There were words whispered in my ear. ?I could stay awake just to hear you breathing. Watch you smile while you are sleeping. While you're far away and dreaming.? Jacob. It was prom. He whispered the words of the song in my ear. He had completely caught me off guard and taken my breath away. I hadn?t expected him to be so sweet. I hadn?t expected him. "Breathe." He reminded me.
And then the memory swept away and fog rolled through my mind, the darkness was starting to swallow me.
I?m trying Jacob. I?m trying to breathe. I?m so sorry.
I don?t want to die. I just wanted to sleep. Please don?t let me die. I was trying to beg the officer but nothing came out.
?She?s aspirating.? The officer turned me on my side again to try and allow the vomit out rather than be inhaled into my lungs.
?I?m losing her.? The officer barked in frustration. He shook his head and rolled me on my back again and continued to pump his hands up and down.
?She?s in cardiac arrest. We need a defibrillator as soon as they?re here.?
?Just call it man. They?re not close enough. Her organs will shut down before they get here.?
No! Don?t give up. I?m still here. I?m...
?Three-seventeen a.m. Call it man.? He tossed the empty prescription bottle at the officer on his knees. ?She wanted it.?
I don?t. I don?t want it. I don?t want to die. I just wanted quiet.
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am...
Then, it was so quiet. I had never experienced such quiet before. No Shifra. No white noise in my head. Not even the sound of my own breathing. Peace. And it was so dark. It was almost warm. Inviting even.
?Breathe Campanilla. Breathe.? A whisper of Sal?s voice. A distant memory that was out of reach. My friends, they are always reminding me to breathe. Breathe through my anxiety. Breathe through my panic attacks. Breathe to slow down.
I?m trying. It?s too hard. I?m trying Sal. I swear I tried.
?Three-seventeen??
Be still.
(Song: Be Still by The Fray)
Definition (per Merriam-Webster):
1.calm; peaceful; tranquil:
2.rich; wealthy; prosperous:
3.happy; joyful; carefree:)
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know?
?Sabine?? The voice spoke inside of my head but I answered out loud.
?What?? I tossed and turned to find a new position in my bed. If Shifra was wanting my attention I had a feeling this was going to take a while and I wanted to be comfortable.
The reincarnation gone bad living in my head rarely talks to me these days. Of course she would want to when I?m exhausted, but I am always exhausted. There is just too much on my plate and I don?t know how to say no. To say Shifra and I have a stressful relationship would be putting it lightly.
Living with a voice in your head isn?t easy, especially when it?s bossy, destructive, and thinks it has rights to your body. However annoying she might be, she has been on her best behavior lately, quiet even but I have felt her stirring and knew that I would be hearing from her soon. Tonight it seemed her best behavior would end.
?I want to see Mordecai. You said you?d consider letting us have a night together.? I instantly groaned at her request.
Mordecai, I should add, is Shifra?s husband. He is a Walker and is thousands of years old. It?s his fault that we?re in this predicament. He couldn?t accept that his wife had died and so he played a game that he did not fully understand. Thousands of years after Shifra?s death and Mordecai?s attempt at bringing her back, he found me. His presence is what woke her up. There had always been something there but it was mostly white noise. She and I never interacted and I never knew anything about the companion in my head. I just always had this feeling that something was off, that I was not quite alone.
The moment Mordecai came around however, Shifra got loud. She was suddenly awakened and making demands. Mordecai thinks that I should let Shifra have control of my body, after all it was hers first. Technically. But I?m not the asshole who played with the dead. This is my body and my life. Why should I give it up for his science experiment gone wrong? Shifra understands...sometimes. She was an Estrie. It?s some sort of ancient vampire, like a very sexual vampire. Needless to say the girl has needs, needs I have been unable to meet in recent months and she has taken several opportunities to let me know that she is not happy about that but she hasn?t been pushy.
Finally I answered her. ?I said I?d consider it Shifra.? What she was really asking is if I?d let her take over my body and let her sleep with him.
?So you?ve decided not to let me be with him??
?This is my body, I get to decide. Right now my decision is no, but I?ll think about it.?
?Is it because of Jacob??
?Partly. He and I are figuring things out. He?s not like me? you. He doesn?t like sharing. And I?m not sure I want to share my body with Mordecai. It?s his fault we?re in this mess and I don?t have any feelings for him. I can?t just sleep with someone like that. It just feels wrong and I can?t change how I feel.?
?But you expect me to hang out while you sleep with guys I don?t approve of??
?Shifra. You approve of all guys. And girls. You like it and I know it. Don?t think for a second that I can?t feel your influence.?
?It doesn?t matter. You get what you want. I should get what I want. Just a night. One night with my husband.?
?I can?t.?
?Please.?
?I won?t. I won?t do that to Jacob or myself. Give us time. We?ll do stuff and you can be the creepy lurker that you are and get off on it. You and I are just going through a dry spell. Once I get some action I?m sure you?ll feel more content.?
?I could make you.?
?You could try.?
?You haven?t seen what I can do to you. How much of you I control. Remember when you hit Aoife? I could make it so much worse Sabine.?
?Shifra. I just want to sleep. I?m exhausted. Can?t we talk about this tomorrow? I just need some peace and quiet. I had a really good day, I?ve been having a lot of really good days. If I could just get some decent sleep then things would be going the best they?ve gone in a while. Let?s talk about it tomorrow. Maybe a clear head will help me weigh the pros and cons.?
?No. I like you worn down, Sabine. You?re easier to manipulate. You?re such a puppet. You know that, right? Everyone is always using you to get something. You don?t even see it. That redheaded psychopath Tara was dead on when she started calling you meat-puppet.?
?Shut up, Shifra. You?re the only one that manipulates me and wants to use me like some nasty sex puppet so you can get your rocks off.?
?Oh really? What about Fin? What was it he said? ?I used you.?? She cackled. ?You?re just a doormat. You might as well put an open sign on your forehead and lay back. You certainly don?t think Ketch was with you for any other reason do you? What could you have possibly given him? Ten years difference in age, zero life experience and a host of mental problems. Yeah I?m sure he was all about that.?
?Shifra don?t. Don?t go there. I will never let you see Mordecai again. Don?t you bring him up. He and I are in a good place. It just didn?t work out.?
?That?s what you think, Doormat. I?ll dig through your brain. You?ll be running to Mordecai just to get relief from me.?
Already I was starting to feel panicked. Having conversations with a voice in your head would drive most people over an edge. It?s just weird and on top of that, this voice did have power over me. It was scary but I tried not to give into my fears. I wanted to be strong and not back down.
?Cane can stop you. He has before. He can put you to sleep.?
?And how long has that lasted? I always come back don?t I? He?s a weak Warlock, nothing compared to me. You have no idea of how powerful I was. How powerful I still am.?
?You underestimate him. And you forget the fact that you?re dead. Must not be that powerful.? Why was I even bothering? I shouldn?t have engaged her at all. All this was doing was giving her more time to dig around in my head and say cruel things? cruel things that affected me so much more than I wanted them to. My self confidence tends to be somewhere between non-existent and shitty. She knows exactly how to provoke me and bring my fears to life.
?No you put too much faith in men Sabine. Especially in those two shit heads you think of as your Guardian Angels. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. They?re all worthless you know? All of them, all of those guys you hang on. Use them and move on to bigger and better things.?
?Is that why you want Mordecai? So you can use him? I think you still love him. Take your own advice. Move on Shifra. It?s been thousands of years. He?s a fucktard who couldn?t put you in the ground where you belonged.?
?You know nothing of our love. He would do anything for me!?
I winced and slapped my hands over my ears as if I could ease the pain of Shifra?s screaming. Rolling on the bed, I sat up quickly and began to whimper at the way her voice seemed to ricochet from one side of my head to the other and stab at my brain.
?Stop. Stop screaming. Just calm down.? I begged as I rocked back and forth like a small child. I instantly wanted to go to my safe my place. I wanted to be at Matadero and I wanted Cane to make this stop but instead I began to retreat inside myself and let her break me down.
?No. You?ve had long enough to comply. I?m done waiting Sabine. You should have let me have Mordecai when you had the chance. Ketch didn?t mind sharing you. You should have closed your mouth and opened your legs more, maybe he would have stuck around. When will you learn? You?re only good for one thing. Hell you?re only good at it because of me. Without me you?re a wet mop. There is nothing special about you. You have nothing to offer anyone.?
?Stop it. You cannot say those kinds of things. Please stop.? I rocked harder, not even realizing how loud my own voice was growing.
?Like you deserve it. You?re pathetic. No better than your mother. She was only good for one thing too. You?ll probably end up just like her, used up and alone in some dank apartment waiting on your next fix. No one will ever love you.?
?I will never be like her. And you?re wrong. You?re wrong Shifra. You?re jealous.?
?But you?re so well on your way, you?re already turning into her. How many men have there been? Oh and women too. Five, six? In eight months. Such a slut.?
?Shut the hell up Shifra. How many of those were your influence?? I screamed and threw the pillow from my bed and swung out my arms in frustration as if I could physically attack her. Instead I managed to knock over my bedside lamp, busting the bulb.
Shifra cackled again obviously amused with the impact that she had on my life.
The laughing echoed inside of my head. It was piercing. It instantly gave me a headache and my stomach flopped. I was nauseated and even dry heaved as I sat on the edge of the bed, my feet now on the floor and crushing the glass of the light bulb into the carpet. I barely registered that my feet were getting sliced and shards were now embedded in my skin.
?Please just let me sleep. I?ll think about Mordecai. I?ll talk to Jacob. I?ll try to get used to the idea.? I sniffled softly as tears of frustration and exhaustion rolled down my cheeks. A hand lifted to swipe across my face as I stood up and started a painful descent down the stairs only now realizing how much glass was in my feet. Clutching my head I whimpered softly, overwhelmed with the pain in my body and how horrible Shifra was making me feel.
?No more thinking Sabine. You think to much. Just do. I want Mordecai. I want him now and you?re going to bring me to him.?
?I will not. I will not hurt Jacob like that. I won?t hurt myself.?
?Then you pay the price.?
?I can handle you Shifra.? My reply came in a shaky voice that sounded afraid and lacked confidence entirely.
There was another laugh, something akin to a wicked step-mother and then there was the most grating noise I had ever heard racking through my skull. It was like nails on a chalkboard but even more piercing. My hands slapped against my head again and my nails sunk into my scalp. As I dragged my fingers down I gouged my skin and caused blood to well and trickle down immediately. From the roots of my hair down to my jaw I left five grooves on either side of my face and then jagged marks scored my neck. It was then that I lost my balance and fell down the last four stairs, head over feet. Landing on the floor of my living room I stared up, my vision was blurred by tears and a sweep of purple hair that fell over my face.
When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name?
?Look around Sabine. You?re alone. You?re frequently alone. They don?t love you. They certainly don?t need you. You?re a pawn. One of your closest friends has you cleaning his toilet for a living. He took pity on you. As the rest did. Just like the night you threw yourself at Cane. Pity. Didn?t he fuck women before you? You were so awful you turned him off of women for good.?
She was wrong. I knew she was wrong but I couldn?t find the words to fight back. I was broken. I was completely broken and terrified. I didn?t know how to handle this.
?Eres una chica tan encantadora, campanilla.Te quiero, mi amiga estimada.? A memory of Sal drifted through my mind. The words were slow and just barely audible in my head, but I could hear his voice. I could hear him say he loved me. I tried to anchor myself to the memory. If I could hold on to it, maybe I could pull myself out of this pit. I could fight back. I knew Shifra was a liar and she wanted to break me down, but it was so hard to fight against her. I was so tired.
If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know?
Struggling to my feet I moved with purpose to the kitchen. There was a pitcher of cold brewed tea in the fridge. Aoife?s tea. The tea that had a mixture of herbs that worked to suppress my abilities as a Hybrid, mostly the Werewolf half. Pouring a glass I began to chug it and tried to ignoring the way the wolfsbane burned my throat raw almost instantly. Setting the glass down I went into a coughing fit and didn?t startle at the way blood splattered my hand. I knew the cost of drinking these herbs. Instead I refilled the glass and chugged again.
?What are you doing Sabine??
?Shutting you up.?
?By making yourself temporarily more human??
?Yes. If I slow down my healing I can take a few pills and pass out. I?ll sleep undisturbed for at least eight hours and then I can wake up and deal with you when I have a clear head. In the morning. Things are always better in the morning.?
Another glass was poured and sucked down. Three. Three glasses ought to put enough of the herbs in my system to keep me from healing up and burning through the pills. That was one major downfall of being a Hybrid, it was super hard to get high or drunk and stay that way. Forget about medications working properly. Generally I didn?t need any of that stuff, but there were rare occasions like tonight.
Walking into the bathroom I stared at herself in the mirror. Blink. Blink.
I watched the way blood trickled down my face and only then noticed that my nails were actually turning into claws. I was losing it. I was losing my mind and the control that I had over my animalistic half. My body began to shake again as I realized how on the edge I was and how quickly Shifra was able to push me there. To say I was desperate wouldn?t even touch the surface of how badly I needed to end this. I needed her out of my head. I needed quiet. I was in a dangerous situation. If I lost control, if I turned...me loose in the city would certainly bring about consequences that I wasn?t ready to deal with.
"I ain't good with emotion, cher. I don't always know how to tell people I care or that I love 'em. But I've been workin' on this song 'a yours for months...It ain't anything that's going to help fix what's going on wit'cha right now...but it's yours. Proof ya ain't far from my mind. An' that'cha got a permanent place in my songbook." Cane. His accent was as thick as always in my memories but even still I could never reproduce it just right. The words of his song drifted through my mind. ?We are shaped by the light we let through us, we break fast, cause we are glass.?
I tried to tie this memory to the one of Sal, once again trying to hold on to them, trying to stay positive and struggle through this.
?Lies.? A whispering hiss startled me from my memories. My eyes went back to the mirror and I could see her. I could see Shifra struggling for control. It was obvious in the way my eyes glowed and the color seemed to swirl and tumble like an angry sea.
?I?m going to win Sabine.? Another hiss from inside my head and it felt as if she raked her nails through my brain and then beat against my skull like she was trying to escape.
Screaming at the top of my lungs I threw my head forward smashing it against the glass mirror that hung on the front of the medicine cabinet. It shattered instantly and jagged pieces of glass broke from the frame to fall into the sink and on the floor.
?We are glass.? Cane?s words echoed again and I stared down marveling at how easily the mirror had broken. Just like me.
And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still...
There was enough glass hanging jaggedly in the frame that when I looked up I could see the way my forehead was split open. More blood ran down and dripped off the bridge of my nose. It was then that I smiled crookedly at my reflection and opened the cabinet door. I knew now what I had to do. I knew this would work. I would beat her.
?You?re insane. You know that right? Just another reason Ketch left you. He couldn?t handle your crazy. No one can handle it Sabine. That?s why they all leave. They will always leave you. Mordecai and I are your best chance. Just let me take over, you can see what real love is like. You can finally have peace. No more worrying about people who don?t care about you. No more stress. No more barely keeping your head above water. We?ll leave. We?ll start a new life. You can sleep all you want.?
I stared at the rows of prescriptions on the the shelves inside the cabinet. I hadn?t taken most of them in months.
?Peace?? I asked her with a shaky voice. She had piqued my interest. I wanted peace so badly. To not have to struggle.
?Peace. Tranquility. We?ll travel the world. You won?t have to work your fingers to the bone. No bills to pay. Just come along for the ride. You can be carefree for once. Happy.?
I took a bottle down and read the label. My sleeping pills. They had never worked all that well before. I dropped them in the sink and combed through the shattered glass to pick up the bottle again as another memory surfaced.
"I know we're not....we aren't... you aren't...and...Love. We're not there. But, I wanted to make it. I wanted to make love with you tonight." The night before I turned, the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world before everything changed was to have one last amazing human experience.
?There's not so much difference anymore for me, you know. With you. It's all coming from the same place, just in different modes of expression." That was his reply to my request. Ketch never said I love you like a normal person but I think that was the first time he tried to tell me. That was the night that I knew I mattered. And a week or later... "I do. I love you. It's what I feel." He loved me.
They all love me. They?ve said it. They?ve shown it. Shifra was a liar. She knows my weaknesses and exploits them in the best ways that she knows how.
?Jacob.? I had him to think of. He was my reason now. He was my hope and my happiness. My hand unscrewed the lid to the bottle and I felt Shifra clawing inside my head again, frantic at the idea of me shutting her out; livid that I didn?t believe her. I had my memories. I had my future. All she had were self serving and empty promises. She could never give me what I desired. No true peace. No real happiness. And she would certainly never love me.
?No, Shifra.? I struggled to see as blood ran into my eyes, stinging them and making them tear up again. I used the back of my hand to wipe the blood away. I was a mess.
It was then that Shifra went ballistic. I had never felt pain like that before and the bottle dropped from my hand once again, pills scattered all over the glass littered floor. Dropping to my knees I couldn?t help but claw at my head again, I marveled at how easily clumps of hair were torn from my head, and how easily my claws could shred my own skin to ribbons. Staring down at my arms I watched as the skin peeled back in limp flaps and the way the muscle moved beneath just before blood gushed out and everything was hidden by the deep red pools that overflowed from my body to the floor.
?I?ll heal. Just a little slower than normal.? I told her as I reached out and collected several of the pills from the floor. Shoving up I wandered back to the kitchen, leaving a trail of blood behind me and poured the last glass of tea. Six pills. Hopefully it would be enough. I?d sleep. There would be quiet. I?d heal and I would wake. With a bloody hand I shoved the pills into my mouth and washed them down with the tea, gagging on the blood in my raw throat. And then began to cough violently as my body tried to reject the poisonous herbs.
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am?
Staggering to the living room, I stood in the middle of it, grinning like a mad man. I beat her. I beat Shifra.
?What have you done? You?re going to kill us both!? She screamed at me and now it was my turn to cackle.
?Go to sleep bitch. Tomorrow. We?ll have tomorrow.? I staggered a bit, my balance was off. I don?t know if it was due to me hitting my head when I fell down the stairs or the blood loss. Maybe it was the herbs. Could it be the pills already?
Shifra was frantic again, she was trying harder than ever to take over. But I was slowly growing numb. It didn?t hurt like before. Another step forward and then I tripped over my own feet. I barely felt my head smack into the corner of the trunk that I use as my coffee table. Rolling on to my back I stared up at the ceiling and then my eyes rolled to the side and I stared at the sea of origami fish hanging above my couch. My eyes lingered on a black koi.
?Black koi. That?s what I picked for your tattoo... The koi symbolizes perseverance and endurance, the black koi in particular. Chinese legend says the koi swam up a waterfall through a dragon gate to be transformed into a dragon. They swim to their own success.? Ketchs words from one of the letters he wrote to me after we broke up. I smiled as I thought of how he thought of me, the confidence that he had in me even after all was said and done. I could do this. I could beat Shifra. I would persevere.
I started to cough again and lifted my head up to cough out the blood that was running down the back of my raw throat.
?Shifra??
No response.
?Shifra. Why are you so quiet??
Why is it so cold? Is that my teeth chattering?
?Shifra. Something isn?t right. Shifra!? I tried to move but could barely lift my arm. My hand slapped around on the trunk where I knew my phone would be and then slid back down empty handed as I was unable to wrap my fingers around it. I was losing control of my muscles and it was then that I realized what a terrible mistake I had made.
I started to cough again, this time it was pink tinted foam.
I could hear sirens in the distance growing closer.
Soon there was a knock at the door. ?Police! We?ve received a call about a domestic disturbance.? A moment later a fist pounded on the door so hard that I swore I could feel the vibrations in the floor.
I?m here. I?m in here I wanted to scream but I couldn?t get my body to cooperate.
Outside one officer signaled to another and then the door burst open.
?Fuck.?
There was static as one officer pushed the button on his radio. ?We?re going to need an ambulance.? Another rushed forward, dropping to his knees and pressing fingers to my neck, searching for my pulse.
?There?s a pulse. It?s weak. Put a rush on that bus.?
The radio beeped and words were spoken as the officer started to survey the apartment, cautiously moving around in case I was not alone. The officer on his knees began compressions against my chest and then turned me on my side to allow the foam and blood to free my airway.
?Come on. Come on.?
?All clear.? A moment later the other officer returned holding an empty prescription bottle and held it up.
?Come on stay with me. Help is on the way.? More compressions to my chest. ?You don?t want to go like this.? A ragged breath was barely drawn in and then a gurgled noise followed.
Everything was getting so dark. My memories began to tangle together and I struggled to hold on to them. Keep me here, keep me in the light. Where were my anchors?
I was slowly dancing, I was wrapped in arms. What was this memory? There were words whispered in my ear. ?I could stay awake just to hear you breathing. Watch you smile while you are sleeping. While you're far away and dreaming.? Jacob. It was prom. He whispered the words of the song in my ear. He had completely caught me off guard and taken my breath away. I hadn?t expected him to be so sweet. I hadn?t expected him. "Breathe." He reminded me.
And then the memory swept away and fog rolled through my mind, the darkness was starting to swallow me.
I?m trying Jacob. I?m trying to breathe. I?m so sorry.
I don?t want to die. I just wanted to sleep. Please don?t let me die. I was trying to beg the officer but nothing came out.
?She?s aspirating.? The officer turned me on my side again to try and allow the vomit out rather than be inhaled into my lungs.
?I?m losing her.? The officer barked in frustration. He shook his head and rolled me on my back again and continued to pump his hands up and down.
?She?s in cardiac arrest. We need a defibrillator as soon as they?re here.?
?Just call it man. They?re not close enough. Her organs will shut down before they get here.?
No! Don?t give up. I?m still here. I?m...
?Three-seventeen a.m. Call it man.? He tossed the empty prescription bottle at the officer on his knees. ?She wanted it.?
I don?t. I don?t want it. I don?t want to die. I just wanted quiet.
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am...
Then, it was so quiet. I had never experienced such quiet before. No Shifra. No white noise in my head. Not even the sound of my own breathing. Peace. And it was so dark. It was almost warm. Inviting even.
?Breathe Campanilla. Breathe.? A whisper of Sal?s voice. A distant memory that was out of reach. My friends, they are always reminding me to breathe. Breathe through my anxiety. Breathe through my panic attacks. Breathe to slow down.
I?m trying. It?s too hard. I?m trying Sal. I swear I tried.
?Three-seventeen??
Be still.
(Song: Be Still by The Fray)