Sabine sat on the floor in the living room of her new home. She was still getting used to all of the new quirks of the older A-frame style home, like the way the floorboards would squeak in certain areas, the way door-frames would groan and pop if it was wet outside, and the way it still didn?t quite smell right. No matter how much she cleaned, it always smelled a little damp to her but there was something comforting about the smell, like old books.

It was just something to get used to. Another thing to get used to. The list seemed to always be growing and for someone who did not like change, adapting was a slow process.

Leaning closer to the coffee table, she rearranged some of the items and the food that was there and then pulled her hand back to herself. While looking down, she gave a gentle shove to each too long cuff of the charcoal gray shirt she wore to avoid getting them in food. It shouldn?t have mattered, the cuffs were riddled with holes and worn thin already, like most of the shirts he wore. What was one more blemish?

?Remember when you gave this to me?? Her voice was quiet but had more life to it than it had in days. The roughness that incessant crying had caused had finally begun to fade. "I beg your pardon??, you asked me when I asked to have it. And I laughed because no matter how relaxed we were, you still sounded like some old British professor, always proper.?

?I wasn?t sure if I should talk to you, I mean, you?re not here anymore but maybe this well help. I guess talking about shirts is as good a place to start as anything else.? She smiled weakly as she looked over the spread of Chinese food.

?I don?t know how to cope with this. I?ll try anything to start feeling better though. I?m scared of disconnecting, even with Josiah here to keep me grounded, I?m still scared to go back.?

She started to dish out food. Pork Egg Foo Young was put on a plate that sat across from her with a bowl of egg drop soup sitting in front of it.

?I got your favorite. The tea too.? She motioned to the steaming cup of pomegranate tea with the tea ball infuser still soaking in it. The color was as deep and rich of a red as blood.

?No honey, just the way you like it. Remember when I tried to add honey to it the first time? You looked so serious I thought you might slap me. ?No honey. No sugar.? you said as you extended your hand to stop me before I ruined it. And then you apologetically stepped back. You apologized too much, you know that? Maybe that was one of the reasons we got along so well. We were so similar and yet so different.?

She carefully opened a bag of crab rangoons and set a few on his plate.

?I went to church today. Not, not a service, but to a church. I haven?t been since I was very little, before I decided I hate God, if he or she even exists. It was pretty empty, but they had these beautiful prayer spots that are fairly private. I knelt and I must have sat there on my knees for hours. This is where you would have stopped me and said something like ?By the Angel Sabine, I don?t want to know what you do when you?re on your knees.? and then I would have thrown a pillow at you and you would have done that small smile of yours, the one that tugs just at the corner of your mouth and a moment later it would have been gone, probably hidden by your hand as you chewed at the side of your thumb.

But really, I?m being serious and you aren?t here to make me laugh, so we will have to suffer through my being sulky.

I sat there for hours Cris. I cried and I prayed and I grit my teeth and I cursed the name of every God I have ever known. Why him I asked. Why now. I begged and wagered, bribed and promised. The things I would give to have you back. You?d probably be so mad at me for the things I offered up. But I don?t think it matters because I don?t think anyone was listening.

I think I was forsaken long ago.?

A shaking hand reached for the spoon that sat in her own soup bowl and she lifted it to take a bite. She had hardly eaten in five days much to Josiah?s dismay and worry.

?Egg drop soup. Remember that night I did more crying into my bowl than eating of it? I think that was the first time we saw each other, really saw. I had just went through that break up and somehow the best thing to come out of it was our friendship. I didn?t know at the time that it was the beginning of something incredible.? Slowly, she sipped the broth from the spoon and then dipped it into the bowl again for another taste.

?It wasn?t long after that, just a few months later in the summer, that you practically lived with me. You were at the apartment all the time making sure I was okay, that I made it through the Summer and then Summer faded into Autumn and you were still there. You were always there for me. It didn?t matter what time of the day or night, you were there. Little by little, you let me in. You showed me your scars and your markings, the one on your back you never show anyone. I felt so special.

I remember the first time you let me hug you and the first time you really let me hold you. The times when you didn?t want to say it but I knew how grateful you were that I needed you. That I wanted you. That I missed you when you were not around. And I remember feeling surprised when I found out you needed me too. You wanted me. And you missed me when we were apart.

We were so real with one another. Every conversation was so raw and passionate. It didn?t matter how ridiculous I was being, you always listened. You didn?t judge me. People have such terrible misconceptions about you. I used to think you were such a judgmental prick. I couldn?t wait for you to impale yourself upon the stick up your ass. But that wasn?t you, once I got to know you, you were so different. It wasn?t that you thought you were better than me or that you were self-righteous, you just held yourself up to this impossible degree. It was like you could never relax. You were always on.

I remember the first time you sat down in my apartment, you used to stand every time you came over like it was your duty to patrol my tiny living room. I was your charge and you were my Guardian. Little by little though your walls came down and you sat on the arm of my couch, that was your perch, but I was so surprised the times you sat on the cushions. I would tease you and you would press your lips together in a thin line and give me that look. Probably the same one you would give me now because you didn?t like talking or hearing about yourself. Especially the good things.?

She broke apart a rangoon and dipped it into her soup and then took a bite once it had softened.

?That arm is still reserved for you. It?s yours.?

Tilting her head back, she stared up at the exposed beams as though she could use gravity to keep the tears from sliding down her cheeks.

?You?re such a bastard.? She sniffed loudly.

?You weren?t supposed to die like this! Don?t you remember? Remember the night I was laying on the floor at Teas and you and me and Ketch were talking about death. I said you would die a hero's death. You thanked me. Like really thanked me. You were surprised I saw you like that. I meant it Cris. You were supposed to go one day, but a long time from now, and it was supposed to happen doing something really important. Doing what you loved. Saving people. Protecting.

I?m mad at you. Did you know that? I didn?t tell you before. I should have. I was mad at you for these last few months. I was mad because you weren?t taking care of yourself. You weren?t thinking right. It?s like you went from one warm body to the next and then back again. You should have given yourself time. You should have stopped to think with the head on your shoulders. You were so good at giving me advice but you were shit at taking your own. You know that? And now look what happened. One of those bitches came back?

God. You?re such a guy.? She huffed and tossed her spoon down.

?I saw you die. I haven?t even told anyone. Well. I sort of told Josiah, about the dream, not that it was you. You see, I had these dreams before Josiah and I went camping, during the trip even. They were so real. I never saw who was dying. It felt so real, so personal, I thought the dream was about Josiah. I assumed? I didn?t know. I swear I didn?t know it was you. I never considered that it could have been someone else other than Josiah. Not until Shae told me you died, told me what happened. I realized then...it wasn?t Josiah who died in my dream.

And I?m scared shitless because I shouldn?t have seen that. I couldn?t have known. But I did. I did just like I have known other things. How I have anticipated. Could I have?

You?re not here to help me figure out what the hell is going on. You would have. You would have told me all the lore you knew that would help me figure this out and you would help me find answers.

I sound like a crazy person. I?m talking to a dead man and I definitely sound crazy.? She put her head in her hands and drew in ragged breaths.

?I?m sorry we didn?t spend much time together lately. I?m glad we had that night though, the one when I said you had to stay the night. You brought me neapolitan ice cream just so I could eat the strawberry from it because you know that?s my favorite. And you never argued with me about that being ridiculous because it?s just like any other strawberry ice cream, instead you just brought it with you like you always did and handed the carton over and you?d roll your eyes at me every time I?d try to give you the chocolate or vanilla.

I wish you would have gotten to know Josiah. You would have really liked him. You would like me with him. You guys have some things in common, you?re both good in a crisis. We never did get to do that double date thing. Granted I now understand why you manwhore.? She smirked a little and shoved food around on her plate.

?He?s out there?? A hand lifted to motion out back. ?in the workshop. He gives me my space. He didn?t even second guess it or ask questions. He just knew I needed it and he went. He knows exactly when to be there and exactly when I need to be alone. I?m such a jerk, I came in with the bags of food and he looked so pleased that maybe I would eat something. I didn?t offer him any before he went out there. This, this was for us, you and me. Chinese was our thing. Then again it was sort of your thing with everyone. I think you were addicted. Just saying.?

She shoveled an actual bite of food into her mouth and chewed slowly. ?My Cris.? Murmured softly. ?Your reaction the first time I exclaimed that. My Cris. You?re my Cris. I had been so stubborn and selfish wanting you all to myself. You wore a smug look and seemed quite proud of yourself. My Guardian.? Her hand rested on the lower right side of her stomach where a water colored feather tattoo covered a scar and beneath it, it said ?Guardian.? ? Man the look on your face when you saw the tattoo for the first time. I don?t think even then, as much as you appreciated it, you didn?t know what you meant to me. What you do mean to me. You saved my life. You know that right? I don?t think anyone understands what we had. How much you were there for me. The things you did for me.

Remember that night in February, the night you told me about Leena. You left me with a kiss to my hair and told me that you would be alright.

I think you lied to me.

But I forgive you.

I would always forgive you.?

She slowly rose up from the floor on unstable legs.

?I have to go now. He?s out there, I know he?s waiting for me. He?s waiting to see some life back in my eyes. I know it hasn?t even been a week yet since I found out about you but I know you would understand. You would want me to keep moving, to not go to that dark place that you continually pulled me out of. So, I?m going to go out there now and I?m going to tell him about you and I am going to smile and probably laugh. I will cry too but it?s part of the process and it?s going to get easier. It won?t be better, not for a long long time, but it?s going to get easier.

Just know, even though you?re not here, you will always have a place in my home. A perch on my couch. Your favorite tea in my cupboard. And a Chinese takeout menu in the junk drawer of my kitchen.?

She pressed two fingers to her mouth and then turned them to the air.

?Love you, Ashwood.? It was a whisper before she turned and went out the back door.