Topic: de l'esprit

Canaan

Date: 2015-09-26 10:34 EST
Friday. September 25, 2015


When we lie here like this in the sand with nothing but the wind and the surf to fill our silence, my mind tends to wander; recently my thoughts have been returning to one subject in particular. This beach has held party to a great many things in the last six months or so. Both good and bad. Midnight surfing. Bonfires. Dissociative episodes. Volleyball with the girls. Getting high. Lessons with Lirssa. Morning runs. Jeremy?s ring is out in that water? somewhere. Still regret throwing that. There?s more of my blood soaked here in the sand than there is in my body. The surrounding cliffs have heard my darkest secrets. If rock could speak, I would be ruined.


"Always in me there?s fire and hate and rage. And some of the only times I don?t feel like I?m wearing another man?s skin is when I get to focus all that into killing somebody. I like it."


I can count on one hand the amount of people who know me -- know all of me. And of those people, only Salvador has loved me for it, not in spite of it. He hasn?t told me to fight it or that I?m wrong for it, like Nash and Petra have said.

I am not broken.

True friends are a rarity. I thought, maybe, I had found another. I wanted to be honest with Cris.


?What did you think I was going to do with this information? Rain down a private shower of sulfur and brimstone? I don?t care. Canaan. I don?t care. I don?t judge you. For what you are, or what you do. I never have. You do what you need to, when you need to. What did you think? That I would---suddenly think less of you? That I would suddenly divorce myself from our friendship, or my friendship with Salvador??


And then he did. For exactly the reason he said he wouldn?t.

Sinjin smiled at me when I told him. If our friendship fails? at least it will not be over the inability to accept my nature.

But I feel as though I?m playing with fire to that end.


"Are you a betting man, Cane?"
"God no. I'm... ill-fated beyond compare. When I bet, I lose."


I always lose.

Canaan

Date: 2015-09-29 17:20 EST
Tuesday. September 29, 2015


The more I try not to think about you, the more you seem to infiltrate my thoughts. Not only my thoughts, but all my senses, too. There are times when I swear I catch a glimpse of you, ghosting along my peripheral. I turn my head each time to find you even though I know I never will. Your scent is in the breeze right now? there?s a fire somewhere. I can smell the smoke. Sometimes I can taste you in the salty mist that comes off the ocean during my morning runs. I don?t know if it?s a blessing or a curse that I can no longer recall the sound of your voice, but your music runs on a loop in my head.

I can?t escape you.


?It ain?t overwhelming despair anymore, but I still got times where I?m just forcing myself through the motions so I can get through the day.?


It?s one of those days.

Sometimes I hate you for leaving me alone. Like it was somehow a choice you made. Blame you for going out to find him instead of staying home where you I left you. But that?s just me attempting to assuage my guilt. It?s easier to blame you for the gaping hole that you left inside me than to admit it?s my fault you?re dead.

I wish--

I wish?

I?m sorry. I miss you.

Canaan

Date: 2015-12-03 15:34 EST
Thursday. December 3, 2015



"Can I ask you something? It's entirely off topic, but I've been wondering for a while."

Sinjin kicked the swing into motion again, lifting his chin and raising his eyebrows at Cane: go on.

"What happened when you didn't go back?" The cigarette was then replaced between his teeth after the question.

He smiled and inclined his chin again; he had been expecting that question, albeit not from Cane. "It has been suspiciously silent," he admitted. "Granted, they are.. patient. Very patient. It could be that they come for me tomorrow. It could be at the end of my lifetime." He went silent for long enough to draw another lungful of smoke and gather his thoughts. "Are you a betting man, Cane?"

The Cajun barked a short, rough laugh. "God no. I'm... ill-fated beyond compare. When I bet, I lose."

Sin?s expression was somewhere between pitying and envious. "I am a betting man," he drawled -- as if it weren't obvious. "And if I had to place a bet, I would place it on knowing that they will come to reap my failings at the moment when I am most useful to them. Right now, I am not useful." He was barely above broke, still rebuilding what was once a vast empire, and his social connections were frail at best. "I am a beggar-king. But they will come." He didn't doubt it for a moment.

Cane looked away when Sin was finished, both to gather his thoughts and as an attempt to mask what was sure to show on his face. Sinjin was an extremely observant creature and Cane wore his heart on his sleeve. "I hope you'll not feel the need to... gamble that encounter alone." Looking back at the Spaniard, he chanced a smile. "You're... integral."



It?s been on my mind since the moment I learned he?d chosen to stay in Rhydin instead of returning to Keythe last year. I?ve dealt with vampires my whole life. Maybe not ones quite like him, but I know how this works. I don?t need to know him personally to understand that a bargain broken will not be forgotten. Keythe will have what is rightfully his, but I don?t believe he?ll come after Sin directly.

I used to think the white jackdaw was Sinjin, and I told him as much once upon a time. If not the sinner himself, then under his influence. He told me the bird was no longer his, that it?s mind was being controlled by someone else. I didn?t ask; I didn?t have to. Keythe had gained control of the thing and was using it to spy.

Only? it?s been watching more than just Sin.



"Aoife's lookin' fer dat jackdaw."

Sinjin?s smile faltered after Cane spoke and he looked from the Cajun to the little dreamer. "That is unwise, dove."

"Hmm?" Aoife?s fingers tightened on the porch railing, nails clicking into wood, and she was pulling back to look upwards. "He's hungry."

"It's what he hungers for that concerns me," Sin murmured, rocking on his heels.

There was a ?but? on her lips and questions in her eyes but she said nothing.

"Careful, dove.?

"I'm not scared," she whispered to his retreating feet.



Were I in Keythe?s shoes, I would know better than to think Sin would ever be loyal again. Instead of forcing him to come back, I?d make him regret the decision to break his oath. As far as I can tell, there?s only one thing the world that Sin actually cares about.

I think it?s time I found the jackdaw myself.

Canaan

Date: 2016-01-04 14:36 EST
Monday. January 4, 2016



"I think I shall be going quite soon."

"I'm glad ya came ta say goodbye. Y'all right, cher?"

"Just weary.?



I know the feeling.

It?s cold here, but for once I don?t mind. I haven?t even bothered to light a fire. It?s so dark; I can?t see the moons. Solitude is a state of being that I struggle to embrace, because it often brings with it a cloak of loneliness that weighs me down. But last night, I wore that cloak despite being surrounded by dozens of people.

I killed the jackdaw I?d been looking for and was right to do so. I suppose I can?t prove it was Keythe?s, but it was most definitely being controlled by someone. A darkness. I saw a figure in passing and the filth of his magic clung to Strix in the aftermath. I fixed his leg and cleaned him up, but Aoife?s still going to be upset. That usually ends up manifesting as the silent treatment for god knows how long.

Sinjin took it? I don?t know. Well enough, I suppose. I couldn?t tell if he was relieved or upset with me. He didn?t say. How he didn?t catch on sooner is beyond me. I?ve suspected it for months. But then, I guess I can?t entirely blame him for his willful oblivion. It?s nice to just be happy and not worry about anything. I do it myself, even as the looming sense of dread continues to gather overhead like a rain-laden cloud. No one can stop the rain. It will come and it will touch everything, so why worry?

It doesn?t stop me from being irritated with him. There are things I know he doesn?t say and I struggle to force myself not to view it as a lie. These people I?ve surrounded myself with? they keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves. And I know that it takes time to build a friendship with a good foundation, one that fosters and encourages the ability to be open -- because not everyone is like me, but I grow tired.

Like Taneth, I?m weary. Everyone has something to hide. They speak in riddles and hold their cards close to their chests as if this is a poker game they have to win by themselves; they lie and bluff to give themselves the upper hand. Perhaps that is where I am different. I?ve always viewed life as a game of blackjack. We all have our own cards, we?re all playing the same game, but the only competition is the dealer.

Secrets have their place, but not amongst friends and lovers. Not in my world. For the first time in two years, I find myself yearning desperately for the life I was forced to leave behind. I went from having siblings who told me everything, co-workers that treated one another like family, children and grandchildren and nothing was difficult except paying the ****ing bills. I?m just--

I?m just?

I miss them. Creating that here will take time, I know that. I want it more than anything. But right now, I?m desperate for what was. Would that I could go there in my dreams.

Canaan

Date: 2016-01-07 11:19 EST
Thursday. January 7, 2016



Why is my? What the **** am I covered in?

Is this-- oh. No. This is food.

Now I?m hungry.

Canaan

Date: 2016-01-22 15:06 EST
Friday. January 22, 2016



Yesterday was a disaster.

When I think back on the parts that I can remember, I?m certain I was only able to navigate the fugue with Skid?s help. Every time I let myself think about what I had done? I could feel myself slipping a little deeper into the hole. And not only am I slipping, but I can?t reach for anything to climb back out.

I?m bound and drawn, a literal slave to my sins.

I willingly imprison myself with the shackles of hatred. I?ve been there so many times that it?s easy, it?s comfortable. It?s a safe harbor that prevents me from drifting off into the sea where I know I?ll be weighed down by the guilt until it pulls me under. I don?t want to brave the waters. My fear is that I?ll be consumed when confronted with truth?

Because he?s right. Oh god, he?s right. They all end up dead.

I keep playing it out in my mind: what I could have done differently, what I should have done, should not have done. On and on it runs -- an endless loop that makes my head throb and behind my eyes ache. I see his face and the cruel twist of his smile as he needles me. I see the panic in his bloodshot eyes. I see Salvador lying on the ground and his blood pooling on the ground beneath me. If I had the energy to open my mouth and scream, I would. But I can?t. Because I can?t feel anything. The pain is there, flirting along the edges of my consciousness. Lurking. Waiting. Reminding me where I still must go.

Let go.

I can?t. I don?t want to feel.



-----



It?s like I?m watching myself from a distance. I?m lying on little more than a raft in the middle of an expansive ocean with no land in sight, nothing on the horizon but the dark clouds of a fast approaching storm. The wind is picking up around me. The waves are spilling over the edges of my boat faster than I can bail the water out. It?s too much. There?s too much and I?m too tired.

I?ve done this before. I don?t want to do it again. There?s a part of me that wants to cease my efforts. This life raft of mine has had holes in it for years and now it?s sinking. It?s been tiresome to fight for so long. I told him? I told him I would live. However, in this case I have the urge to drown with it.

Coward.

I?ve been down this road before. It?s long and it?s hard. I can?t say that I had reached the end of it because I was still in the process of traveling, but it was brighter where I was and I was happy again. Now I?m forced back to the starting line.

Wrong card played.

Go directly to jail, do not pass Go.

I wanted nothing more than to wake up this morning to find out it was all a nightmare. I?d take a nightmare every night for the rest of my life if this could just? not be my reality. Instead I opened my eyes to the promise of a new day that has offered me nothing but the pain and guilt of being a ruiner.

Beyond the desire to give up entirely, I want to run. I want to hide from everything. But how does one escape a problem when the problem is yourself?

Welcome to your existence, Canaan. You ****ed up everything. Again.

Let go.

I can?t. Nothing is as it should be. It wasn?t supposed to happen like this. Why couldn?t he just leave?

I don?t even know if I have the right to feel betrayed by him, but I do. It?s not as if I?m innocent. I feel as though I?ll choke on my own bitterness. Maybe I should let go. Then I can end this war between what I am and what I feel I should be.



-----

Canaan

Date: 2016-01-25 21:31 EST
(cont.)

-----



?You're not alone.?

Lirssa. Bless her. She found me wandering around last night. If there is one thing in this world I would not taint, would that it be her. She is kind and caring and stubborn. Crazy, too. Why else would she return to me time after time?

I know I?m not alone, I told her this. I don?t forget anything Salvador tells me. I?m watching him sleep and I know he?s dreaming -- I know this has dredged up memories of his own. I didn?t have anything comforting to say to him back when he first told me about Carmine. I don?t know what words to say now, either. Perhaps there are none for this.



-----



I can?t feel my limbs. I don?t think I could move if I tried.

Everything is numb.

Sal?s arms are around me now, but I can?t feel the cold. Or maybe I?m already cold and that?s why I can?t feel it. He hasn?t said anything yet, perhaps for the same reason I?m not able to. I can sense his eyes on me; I think he?s waiting to see what happens. I don?t even know that for myself.

Let go.

I don?t want to. I don?t want to move. I want to lie here in the storm forever.

Storms don?t last forever.

No, but when they?re done I still have to deal with the fallout, everything?s that?s left over when all is said and done. I?m not the only person who loved him; and so hate begets hate. The cycle continues. I hated Nash. Someone will hate me. It never ends. Nash knew that. He tried to teach me.

Nash has been one of the most influential people in my life. He came into my world at a time when I was struggling to hold a family together. I was angry and clueless and he came up alongside me to help share the load. My mother did what she could; it wasn?t much, but I can?t judge her. She was just as abused by her boyfriends as us kids were growing up. I never knew my actual father -- demon?s don?t exactly stick around to raise their kids, so Nash ended up being my primary role-model in so many areas.

He impressed upon me the importance of loyalty and said that generosity is something that should never be a question when it comes to the people you care about. Nash was the sort of man to give a person the shirt off his back if they?d a need for it. ?You can?t take it with you when you go?, he?d say. Lots of people tout that line. Nash lived it.

He taught me that integrity is paramount. At the end of the day, it?s not what you say but what you do that actually matters. ?Don?t piss on my back and try to tell me it?s rain. Own your actions, boy.?

He told me that nothing is impossible and to never be afraid to speak my mind.

Assume little; learn as much as you can.

But most importantly, he (along with Henri) taught me how important it is to know when to stop and why.

When to stop bashing my head against a wall for a lost cause because my time and energy have value. When to stop in the pursuit of fortune so I don?t lose sight of the things that matter most. When to stop an argument before it devolves into a pissing contest of who can hurt the other more. When to stop thinking of myself so that I do not become so selfish and self-oriented that I fail to think of others. When to stop being so angry, and to let it all go -- to avoid hatred scouring me from the inside out.

Needless to say, like any other child when it comes to their parents, I did not always listen. He taught me those things, but I did not take them all to heart.

If I could but start now?

Let it go.

I?m afraid.

I am afraid of the pain. I fear that I will become so lost in the dark that I break my promise.

But have you lost yourself? You?ve walked through fire once before.

I just want to lie here. Even the thought of moving exhausts me.

I dare you.

Canaan

Date: 2016-01-28 22:46 EST
Thursday. January 28, 2016



?We should just stay here.?



I kept hearing your voice in my head this morning. That line specifically among all the rest stands out from our conversation yesterday. You were angry and hurt when you said it.

But then we smothered the pain and bitterness in our lovemaking and we forgot, for a time, that we are both hurting. I don?t know how else to help you. I don?t think I can, not with this. What I?ve tried to touch, I think, may have only made you more bitter -- so I won?t touch it again. Honestly, I can?t bear to hurt you. All that is left is a path with which I?m quite familiar.

I?m a runner. Escapism is my coping mechanism. Heartache has never been something I knew how to handle with grace.

I spiralled for six years after Brie cheated on me. Made it all the way to India in pursuit of distraction. Fell in love again. Left him the day after I found out he cheated on me, too. Went all the way home to a sister who couldn?t stand my misery and suggested we take a vacation.

I was reminded of that vacation during our run along the beach earlier. My siblings and I ended up living there in Paris for ten years. I let myself wonder... Will this vacation end up like that one? I think it could.

You?ve come such a long way in the short amount of time I?ve known you. I love that I?ve seen your smile more and more when we are together, but never have I seen you smile as much as you did today. It was like a weight had been lifted from you, no more clouds to darken your skies. You?re so beautiful; in everything -- both in sadness and in joy, but God do you ever shine when you laugh. It fills me with a warmth no flame could match.

We recently read Peter Pan, you and I. I remember the line, ?To die would be an awfully big adventure.? I used to think that dying for someone was the ultimate act of love. But you? you?ve reminded me what an amazing thing it is to live. And how wonderful it has been to live; to live for myself and to love you in this adventure so far has been a delight. That?s what this is -- an adventure. I want to go on adventures with you for the rest of our lives. Especially if it means I get to see more of the man you?ve shown me since we arrived.

It?s as though I?ve found a loose thread, but instead of becoming unmade when I pull, you unravel your weather-hardened outer layers to show me what?s been kept sheltered safely within. If this is who you are when you are free from your burdens, then I want to run away with you forever.



?So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!?



This could be our Never Land. We?ll think lovely thoughts and never come back down from the heights of our happiness.

Canaan

Date: 2016-02-07 23:27 EST
Friday. February 5, 2016


I shouldn?t have been there.

I feel as though I?ve encroached upon something that was not meant for me to be anywhere near. All I could think about the whole time was that he?s going to be upset. I know I would have been if the situations were reversed. But I didn?t know -- not until Sal flagged her down. By then, what could I have done?

I didn?t know what we were going to be doing. We came here to sightsee, we came here for Carnival. I had no idea this is where? I should have asked. He said he needed my help; there was no question as to whether or not I?d do whatever he needed, but I should have asked this time. The moment I saw her, I knew, and my sense of dread grew with every step I took across the street to join them. He?s going to be hurt. He?s going to be angry.

I stood there in my discomfort and smiled at that little dark-haired girl who wore her uncle?s smile, watching as she and Salvador interacted with one another. I couldn?t help but think about how Sin would feel when he saw the video. Months ago, when Sal and Skid came back from their trip together, I only learned after the fact that they?d been to my home town. Without me. I was flooded with jealousy over it. It was such an irrational thing -- I didn?t even know at the time what they?d done while there... Sin gets to find out much like I did, only instead of us killing a bunch of people like Sal and Skid did in NOLA, we visited Sin?s family. That?s going to go over so well.


"I miss him. I want to come visit you and him."


Those doleful words tore open a wound in me that was only just beginning to close over and now I?m left to hide in the corner of this bathroom stall where I?m certain I will bleed out. Seeing Ana with Salvador, hearing those words come out of her mouth, it was like being slapped in the face with a memory I?d forgotten. I want to forget them, I want--

No. Please, no. I don?t mean that. I don?t want their faces to fade from my mind. That?s all I have left of them.

I know what it?s like to be apart from the people you love, Sinjin. I didn?t just lose a brother and a lover that day, I lost my entire family. I was ripped up from my roots and cast into a new life that I had to somehow figure out on my own. But despite Sal?s best efforts to create a way for me to return home, there is one thing I will never be able to have back.

Them.

I saw pictures of them two Christmases ago. I remember when Emily and Avery were still young enough to crawl in our bed to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings, the days off I spent with them at the park, teaching Avery to skateboard, the countless hours sitting up in a blind with Emily while she worked up the courage to pull the trigger (and she never did). If you had asked me before I met Jeremy if I could ever love a child the way I eventually grew to love his niece and nephew, I would have said no. I didn?t think it was possible.

Now they?re grown. Emily is married to a man I never had the chance to meet. Avery?s kids I almost didn?t recognize in the pictures Petra showed me. A.J. is so tall, already. Caroline was just a baby when I left, she hadn?t even begun to walk. I was startled by how much she looks like her mama. There was even another baby on the way; Sarah must have had it by now. I was Uncle Ko to those babies like I was to their Dad and their Auntie. The younger two won?t even remember me at this point, but I?d give anything to hug them all one more time.

At least I see my selfishness for what it is, I wouldn?t disrupt their lives to soothe the ache I feel inside. It?s better that they continue to think I?m dead, but I?d be lying if I said I wasn?t a little jealous. No matter how much bad blood is between Sin and Julia, at least he gets to see Ana. He gets to talk to her, to touch her, to tell her that he loves her. On the other hand, it makes me so goddamn angry that she?s forbidden him from more.

I miss my family so fiercely that I can scarcely breathe for the swelling pressure in my chest when I think of them. Will I ever breathe freely again? It feels like I?ve been suffocating for years now. One breath -- that?s all I ask -- just one deep breath of air that doesn?t make my lungs burn and constrict at the thought of what I lack.

Salvador is wrong. I?m not trying to fill the hole. There is nothing that could ever take their place. But I struggle to remember how to keep moving forward when I?m reminded of that empty space, especially when the pain seems to pile on all at once. I don?t just mourn one person, I mourn for them all every single time I think about them. It?s too much to bear. It hurts. God, it hurts.

I shouldn?t have been there. It wasn?t my place.


---


Still cramped in the dank, poorly lit bathroom that was little more than a cubicle, Canaan pulled the video camera out of his pocket and switched it on. Without removing the lense cap, he added a brief message for the sinner. It didn?t much make himself feel any better, but perhaps it would mean something to the other man.

Canaan

Date: 2016-02-18 23:14 EST
Friday. February 12, 2016


?There are ghosts here.?

?What?s a camp-out in a creepy castle without a few ghosts??


The Molinera Estate was most certainly haunted. He and Sal had done all they could to rile one of the ghosts in particular, defiling the house over and over until the old man had been driven to the basement to do only god knows what. Occasionally, the mournful howls of hounds and felines alike began to filter up from the bowels of the castle, soft echoes of weary phantoms of the past.

They?d whispered to one another that night as much as screamed, breaking up the wild love-making by sharing stories of their past and their dreams for the future. Once they were both spent, sleep claimed the Spaniard. But try as he might, Cane could not find rest.

It had nothing to do with the ache in his back that came from an active night or the cool breeze that came in through the open doors that led to a balcony overlooking the inner courtyard. It wasn?t the sounds that came from the basement, nor the slumbering man whose body lay draped on top of him. Truth be told, he was waiting to hear her.


?My aunt.? Salvador answered immediately and a corner of his mouth tugged upward in an almost smile. ?Esme,? he added. ?Esmeralda. I had a feeling your playing would draw her out. She played every day when she wasn?t locked in her rooms. It was her escape. Sometimes, late at night, she?ll come down and play. Maybe you?ll hear her. She?s very good.?


The piano had been one of the first things Cane discovered during his exploration of the castle. He fixed it up and played for a while as they swapped stories. She had come to them, a fleeting imprint of the past on the present. Ever since then, he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind.

Salvador stirred, lifting his chin until the crown of his head was nestled snugly under Cane?s bearded jaw. The Cajun smiled, raising a hand to gently sift his fingers through the man?s soft, dark hair. While he waited, hoping to hear the sounds of the piano take the place of the ghostly animals, Canaan took a moment to marvel at his lover.

Given his sexuality, he?d lain with both men and women throughout the years, but there was just something about the sturdy weight of a man?s body on top of him in particular that he found deeply erotic. That heavy, conspicuous presence that made it difficult to take a deep breath. It was a comfortable weight, even desired above anything else.

His fingers trickled down from the Spaniard?s hair to the sharp plane of his cheek, touching one corner of his mouth and along his angled jaw. He moved his hand to the man?s shoulder, smoothing over the raised, gnarled scar that he bore from the bite of iron. Cane didn?t linger there for long, eager to put behind him the aching sadness its memory created. In looking down, he could see the outline of Salvador?s strong, muscled body washed in the moonlight that streamed in through the balcony doors. They were both naked; only their legs were covered by the rumpled sheet. He couldn?t help but touch, even at the risk of waking Sal. Fingertips trailed along his robust traps and just barely brushed across the flattered spikes that lined the Spaniard?s spine. Sal?s body tensed minutely. Cane smiled.

Lying sprawled across him like this, it was easy for Cane to feel Sal?s heart beating against his chest. A quiet rhythm that pulsed between them; a mesmerizing and intimate thing. His own heart fluttered in its cage, like a bird beating its wings against the bars. The sexual attraction had fuck all to do with their love, but no man had ever made him burn like this. Everything about him excited Cane. Salvador was strong, dauntless, indomitable. Everything he wanted in a partner and more. He could still taste him, feel the ghost of his cool touch, hear the echoes of his screams.

He very nearly woke Sal up for yet another round.

But just then, the quiet tinkering of the grand piano filtered up from the ballroom one floor down. Soft, haunting, beautiful music. There was no one else in the castle, so Cane knew it had to be Esme. Where moments ago he was thrumming with desire, the ghost?s music eased him into a somnolent state of contented peace. The last thing he remembered before finally drifting off to sleep was that he never wanted their vacation to end.

Canaan

Date: 2016-02-22 01:48 EST
Monday. February 22, 2016


It was nice while it lasted.

Nothing bad in my life can ever happen by itself. No, it has to be accompanied by at least one other truly ****ty thing. Otherwise it?s not complete. I guess in a way it?s nice? there actually is a constant in my life! Thanks, Dad. I knew I could count on you.

I should have deleted everything. I saw all those messages when I texted Skid and nearly nuked them right then, but I didn?t. I waited. Told myself I?d be able to handle them in the morning. That was a ****ing mistake if there ever was one. I don?t know what I was thinking.

Ninety-five percent of them ended up being from Melanie; most of ?em even put a smile on my face. I don?t know when it happened, but she got under my skin and she?s stuck there. In a good way. Usually. We started out on such a bad foot a couple years back, but now? I don?t know. I don?t know how to describe it. Just like all the girls in the Pack, I?ve this urge to protect her, even though she doesn?t need it in the slightest. I wish the messages had only been from her. I could deal with her flying off the handle at me for what she thinks was ignoring her. I know how to handle crazy girls. I?ve pissed off enough of ?em in my day to know what to do.

But then there was Mags. At least? at least she didn?t assume right off the bat that I?d done something wrong. I don?t know why that matters to me. I killed him. I did do something wrong. No. Was it wrong? I gave him every chance, I never raised a hand to him until he came after me. And even after he tried to kill me, I wanted to make peace. I would have. He forced my hand. What else could I have done? I don?t know.

I don?t know.

But clearly word has gotten around. People must have known where he'd gone and what he meant to do. And they know by now that he failed. I don?t think Mags would have called Petra, they haven?t spoken in decades. Someone called her, though. Only instead of calling to bitch me out herself, she had Micah do it. Nine months of no contact at all, getting married without saying anything, not telling me they had the kid. I don?t even know its name -- and suddenly he leaves me a message?

Not only that, but he makes it sound like they didn?t completely shut me out of their ****ing lives all this time. Suddenly it?s ?Call me, you idiot. I love you.? as if nothing was amiss. As if they didn?t go on vacation and just forget to come back. As if--

What the ****?!

I almost screamed when I listened to his stupid voice coming through the speaker. Wanted to melt my ****ing phone right there.

But in keeping with the ****ed up theme of my life, I didn?t even have time to work through all my thoughts about how it only took killing my pseudo father to get my family to give a **** about me again before Sal had a meltdown of his own.

I could ****ing strangle that son of bitch vampire for whatever the **** it is he did to make Sal fall apart like that. I shouldn?t have saved that damn book. I should have let it burn. It?s half their ****ing problem anyway! They don?t talk. And I know Sal won?t talk to me about this. The only thing he has said is that he doesn?t want to see Sin or talk to him. I bet my left nut that won?t last longer than a couple days, but right now? Right now I wanna bust Sin?s ****ing face in. I?m seriously tired of watching Sal get hurt over and over and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

I knew staying in Spain was a bad idea. I don?t know why I didn?t insist we go home. Or call. Or do more than ****ing ignore the problem. My problem? I can?t do anything about my problem. Nash is dead. He ain?t comin? back. But I should have should have been an ass and? and? I don?t know. I don?t know what I should have done.

I don?t know. I don't know. I hate not ****ing knowing what to do. I hate not being in control. I hate listening to him cry. I hate feeling like I?m in some death spiral that I can?t stop. I hate Nash for ruining ****ing everything. I hate Sin. I hate Micah and Petra. I hate myself.


------


?So I was sitting here, enjoying the Italian sunrise, when I get a call from Nola. What the **** did you do? Call me, you stupid ****ing idiot. Love you.?

Canaan stared at the backlit screen and the options his phone gave him. Call Back. Delete. He pressed neither and instead touched a calloused fingertip to the blue play button again. Micah?s voice sliced through the silence of the surrounding forest.

?So I was sitting here, enjoying the Italian sunrise, when I get a call from Nola. What the **** did you do? Call me, you stupid ****ing idiot. Love you.?

He?d probably listened to it a hundred times over the course of the day. Now that Sal had fallen asleep again, Cane played the message again. Over and over. Because no matter how much he hated Micah, he missed his family. He needed them. He didn?t know how he was going to hold it all together; everything was just hanging by a thread. Doing a good job not drowning, but he was already getting tired of treading water.

The long, binding fingers of depression were tugging at his feet. He could feel them. Curling and pulling, threatening to yank him below the surface. Cane just wanted to keep moving, keep kicking like his life depended on it. In a way, it really did. He?d been doing relatively fine until this one little thing had tipped the scales.

?So I was sitting here, enjoying the Italian sunrise, when I get a call from Nola. What the **** did you do? Call me, you stupid ****ing idiot. Love you.?

Tears blurred his vision. The Cajun choked on the sob that escaped without his bidding. Furious with himself, Canaan growled under his breath and flung his phone into the darkness. Regret registered only moments before he heard the phone hit a tree trunk, break apart, and fall to the ground. The bright light of the screen went dark. The moons were hidden behind clouds tonight and the weak firelight that come from the cottage windows only reached so far.

?****,? he murmured. Frustrated with himself, he ran a hand through his hair and stomped away from the house to locate his phone. Eventually he?d learn not to throw things he cared about. At least his phone would be easier to find than Jeremy?s ring. That was one bad decision he couldn?t take back.


------


I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn't be crying,
tears were for the weaker days
I'm stronger now, or so I say,
But something's missing

Whatever it is,
it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is,
it's just laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can't figure it out
What now? I guess I'll just wait it out
What now?

I don't know where to go
I don't know what to feel
I don't know how to cry
I don't know why

So what now?

Canaan

Date: 2016-02-24 15:21 EST
Wednesday. February 24, 2016


Nothing and everything had changed while they were gone.

Aoife was still a breath of fresh air, warm sunlight on his face. Sabine had chosen to live up to the name Salvador had given her and bloom once again in the depths of winter. The buoyant, carefree man he?d discovered in Salvador while they were in Spain had gotten shoved back into the shadows, shuttered away, out of sight. Sinjin was falling apart at the seams, and it appeared as though he would drag Salvador down with him, whether he meant to or not.

Cane, himself, was left to stand alone in the ruins of his life. Its landscape was pockmarked with tragedy and hardship. On the one hand, he secretly wished that it had been easier, without all the heartache. It made him feel weak for wanting that. On the other hand, he knew those struggles forged him into the man he was today. A man who, when he wasn?t letting despair get the best of him, truly loved himself. His every decision had culminated in his being here -- in this place that allowed him to embrace every part of himself. In that vein, he was eternally grateful for all the difficulties.

Circumstances prevented him from being with his family ever again, but he had been lucky enough to create a new one. They were not a replacement for what he had lost, but they succeeded in enriching his life in a fulfilling way. Even the ones -- one -- at which he was currently angry.

In the beginning, when he and Salvador were still just friends, he had seen the way Sinjin made Sal sad. They didn?t ever really talk about him, but the effect it had on Salvador was clear. Things got better. Salvador was smiling. He loved anything that made Sal smile. Sinjin disappeared, came back months later. Things got bad again. Now they had gone to absolute hell. It was a cycle that Cane did not care to see continue, for Sal?s sake and for Sinjin?s. The sinner had become his friend somewhere along the way. That he was angry with him now did not change that.

He had gone to see the man two nights earlier. The urge to flatten him for whatever damage he?d done to Salvador was almost too much to ignore, but he had seen that Sin was hurting, too. Cane could be there for both of the struggling men, a lighthouse in the storm. The sinner had been all too willing to lean on him, and it came with a gift that Cane was equal parts elated and devastated to receive.


?But you?ll help me??

?Yes.?

?There?s something else,? he eventually said. ?My name.?


Canaan grit his teeth as the man?s name echoed in his mind. Not Sinjin Fai. Another name. His true name. He leaned over his desk to grab an old, feathered quill pen from a coffee cup that housed a dozen other writing instruments.

Instead of using ink, Cane pressed the tip of the quill to his palm and pierced the skin. Bright, red, too-warm blood welled up from the cut and was siphoned into the pen. He then wrote three words on a square of rich cardstock with filigree embossed corners. Tohias. Tohias Sanchez. While the paper dried, Canaan got up to clean the pen, erasing all traces of his blood from its well. When he reclaimed his seat, the sinner?s name stared back at him in all of its dark red glory.

He was glad to have what this name meant; it meant he had the sinner?s trust, but he did not want the name itself. It came with too-great a power. It wasn?t that Cane didn?t trust himself to hold such power over Sinjin, it was that he could not give him anything like it in return. Along with trust and loyalty, Cane placed high value on equality.

Memories came to mind from a very cold December night more than a year ago.


?My name,? he said. ?I want you to know my name.? That was important. ?My mother doesn?t have one, you know. She doesn?t have one, because if she did and anybody knew it -- they could control her. Completely. Bend her to their will. Command an aspect of Death.?

Realization hit him hard and Canaan shook his head a few times before rocking back onto his side to face Salvador. He propped himself up on an elbow and said very seriously, ?Don?chou ever tell it ta me, den. I do not ever wanna control you. I don? want...anymore power over you den you have over me.?

?Ah, mi ?gida,? Salvador said quietly. ?That?s exactly why I want you to know.?


It was enough that Salvador trusted him to want to share it. Of course he was curious, but the trust itself was all he needed.


?I trust you with my life, you know this??


That was something Cane could give the Spaniard. He trusted his lover with his life as well, but he would not take the man?s name when he had nothing to offer him in return. His own name held no such power.

He hadn?t thought Sin?s did, either, but he was wrong. It was only after Sinjin had given it to him that the sinner explained what it meant, and it was a gift that Cane did not want to keep.


?No.? He shook his head, drawing back his hand from where it had been used to point at Sin to rake through his hair instead. ?I have de means of erasing it from my memory. I can erase hearing it from Ana?s lips. I can erase hearing it from yours.?


That is what he intended to do now.

Canaan held both hands over the blood-stained parchment and began to speak the spell in an undertone. The quietly whispered Chthonian words filled the room with a dark power that practically hummed with life. It made his skin tingle and his eyelids droop. The parchment burst into flames, leaving the rest of the desk and its contents untouched, until the sinner?s name was nothing but a pile of ash. When the fire died out, the spell hit Cane like a strong wave. It pushed him back into his seat and his head lolled back as the tendrils of magic surged through his mind in search of the two specific moments he had outlined in the spell: the first time Ana had spoken the name Tohias and the moment when its entirety had come from Sinjin?s own lips. With both of those memories erased, the other instances of having heard it would fall like dominoes, one after the other, gone? gone?

He woke up nearly an hour later still seated in his chair. The effects of the spell made him feel a little cloudy, but it had succeeded. More than succeeded, it had worked perfectly. The lengthy letter he had written to himself detailing the events of the day they had visited Ana in Spain and the reminder that Sinjin had given him an immense amount of trust were not needed. The spell had done only what it was meant to do and had touched nothing more.

The only thing left to do was meet Sal for lunch, and boy was he hungry. Working complicated magic always made him ravenous.

Canaan

Date: 2016-02-26 16:02 EST
Friday. February 26, 2016


Tensions were high.

He had meant to blow up an oil refinery with Salvador today, but an early morning voicemail changed everything. They took the time to say their goodbyes in a memorable way, and then Canaan watched Salvador pen a letter to Sinjin at the tiny kitchen table while he consumed several pieces of cold, hawaiian pizza for breakfast.

Canaan didn?t want to wait for Salvador to finish; his letters often happened over the course of several hours. The sinner already had quite the head start on him. He needed to get on a plane, and quickly.

?Put it in the book.?

But Cane wasn?t positive that the sinner had taken his book with him to Madrid, so after leaving Salvador alone at the Burrow, he made a pitstop at the Deadwood apartment that Sinjin called home.

The Deadwood stood at the end of what was likely once a cul-de-sac, destroyed by a fire that looked decades old. Most of the buildings were already beginning to become reclaimed by the woods that crept up along the borders, thick vines and crumbling brickwork that tangled and fought for space in the night time sky. The Deadwood itself was no different -- the thick, old tree that burst up through its center made the apartment complex look like it had been uninhabited for years, and even the front door that lead to a winding set of stairs gave no signs of life. Most of the first floor was a hollowed shell standing on its (surprisingly stable) support beams, partially maintained by the tree that sat in the center, still very much alive.

And there were other signs of life, too, once someone was curious enough to take the first few steps up the stairs. Like the fat, insipid-looking cat that sat inconveniently just inside the front door of the first floor apartment, like she was waiting for Cane. Maybe she was. He idly wondered if Sinjin had forgotten to fill her food dish before leaving (not that he planned to check).

The apartment was little more than two or three rooms, though the entirety of the layout was open thanks to the tree that pushed through the floor and up into the ceiling, likely eliminating where a wall once was. It was plain, almost sparsely decorated: a couch, a bed in one corner, a small kitchen, and a table with a few chairs, all in line of sight of tall sets of windows that faced back toward the wilds that always threatened to overtake the building.

It felt a little strange to be snooping about the sinner?s home, but he was a man on a mission. He opened no drawers or cupboards in pursuit of the book, but combed the various surfaces in each room for any sign of it. After several minutes of searching, Cane located the leather bound journal laying on the couch. He touched the curled, scorched corners with a reverent hand. It looked exactly like the one he had put away out of sight for Salvador.

He had finally managed to get the younger Spaniard to tell him what had hurt him so much. Words written on the pages of the book he now held in his hands had cut his lover to the quick, and how quickly the man had bled out. It pained him to remember Salvador?s tears, the ones from last night and all the other that had been shed over the course of the week. Canaan thumbed the edge of the book?s cover, but he was not tempted to open it. He placed it deep within the safety of his backpack, tucked beneath his haphazardly packed clothes.

It was here on this very couch where Sinjin had told him about the trouble that concerned his sister. Cane had offered his help, certain that Salvador would accompany them in the end. But then there had been all this business about Sinjin?s true name, preventing Cane from being part of the death party -- he didn?t want to risk the chance of learning that name again while they ran around Madrid like Monsters. The Cajun assumed Sal would still accompany the sinner, even if he himself could not? but after their lengthy discussion the night before, he understood now why Sal wanted to keep his distance from Sin.


?But -- as has been likely obvious -- I don?t often think with my head.?


The sinner?s words echoed in his head, could even picture him there on the couch where he had spoken them. If Salvador couldn?t be near Sinjin right now, then Canaan would come alongside him in support. It didn?t matter that he was angry Sin had hurt Salvador. Sin needed someone to help keep him on track, to keep him from doing something stupid. This is what it meant to be family, you filled in the gaps where others could not.


?I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you how I feel, about all the stupid, ****ing insipid things that a friend would confide in another about his relationship. Or drink until I cease having thoughts, play guitar, and see how long it takes for you to want to hit me when I keep playing the wrong note.?


Canaan set his bag on the couch and moved over to the table where Sinjin had left his guitar. He smiled at the memory attached to the instrument, the night they had spent in one another?s company playing music, getting drunk and smoking joints. He?d let the sinner ?borrow? the guitar, knowing full well he?d likely never get it back. It was a token of friendship, blisteringly new back then, but growing stronger the more they got to know one another. The Cajun placed the guitar in its hard case, deciding to take it with him to Madrid. Maybe he could give Sinjin that night of drunken camaraderie that they both desired.

Kavi leapt up onto the couch to sniff at his backpack. Cane looked over in time to see her chewing on one of the leather zipper leads. He scowled at the animal and snatched the closest trinket he could reach, not even taking the time to see what it was before throwing it across the room at the cat. It didn?t break or make a terribly loud noise when it collided with the back of the couch, so it must not have been too heavy, but it did succeed in scaring Kavi away. The fat cat bolted away from the couch, stopping several feet away to peer at him indignantly. Then she swished her tail at him and slinked away.

The Cajun rolled his eyes, grumbling to himself about how much he hated animals. He took the guitar and his bag and left the apartment, left Rhydin, to chase after his friend.

______________________
(Deadwood's description has been lifted from the talented Sinjin Fai. Thank you.)

Canaan

Date: 2016-03-01 15:37 EST
Tuesday. March 1, 2016


I dream about you so often. Did you know that? None of them are good, and I don?t know why that is, but I try to remember the way they start. In the beginning, I can feel your skin on mine. A climber and a tinkerer, your hands are rough and timeworn. The rest of you is soft, unblemished. You?re not a fighter, you?re a lover. In the beginning, I can smell the smoke in your hair from burning leaves in the backyard; the soap you like so much. In the beginning, I can see your smile. The way one side of your mouth pulls up higher than the other, every single time. In the beginning, I can taste your kiss; it?s sweet like the tea you drink. In the beginning, I can hear your voice. God, your voice. It?s not? I know it?s not perfect. I?ve already forgotten it?s true sound. I miss your singing.

But it?s these things on which I dwell every time I think of you. I go through the senses: touch, taste, smell, sight? sound.

Knowing I?ll never hear you speak again is like a cold knife through the chest.

I sometimes wonder if you can see me from where you are. I don?t know what to believe anymore. If you?re in heaven or in hell. If you?re nothing. If your soul has gone to inhabit another vessel. I like to think you can, that you can see how far I?ve come from the mess of a man you left behind. I want you to see who I?ve become: a man who isn?t hiding anymore, a man who accepts the way he was made.

You haven?t been replaced, I want you to know that. Though, if it?s true that you can see me, then you already know that. Maybe I had to say it for my own benefit. Taneth said something the other night that rubbed me the wrong way. She didn?t mean anything by it, but it got me thinking about how other people look at? I shouldn?t give a **** what anyone thinks and I don?t, for the most part. I wanted to tell her it wasn?t like that. I wanted to tell her I?m still so much in love with you that it makes me ache.

I didn?t think I?d ever be able to love another person, not after what happened. But then I found a friend in someone who was just as lost as me. We neither of us tried to fix the other, just offered a hand to hold and a listening ear. Our journeys are our own, but we?re walking in the same direction. I like having him at my side. Somewhere along the way it turned into more. I?m still not sure how it happened, but I wouldn?t change it for anything.

I hope you can see me. If you can see me, then you can see him. You can see how much he means to me, the impact he?s had on my life in such a short amount of time. If you can see me, then I know you?re happy for me.

No one could ever be you for me, there?s only you in that place in my heart, my love. But it hurts to go there and visit that place. You?re just a ghost. I can?t see you. I can?t touch you. I can?t taste you, or smell you, or hear you. I love you and I can?t have you. It kills me. I look forward to the day your memory doesn?t run me through.

-----
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing

Canaan

Date: 2016-03-03 02:22 EST
Wednesday. March 2, 2016


I said it out loud.

I love you.

I?ve been trying to avoid even thinking it, but tonight I spoke it aloud. It wasn?t even a timid whisper in the dark, I admitted it to someone else. There is a witness. I can?t pretend it?s not true anymore.

I love you.

For months I?ve agonized over it; whether or not to tell you, how to go about doing so, wondering if you might love me back. I want to tell you everything about me, to give you the few secrets I hold dear because I trust you to keep them.

I love you.

But this back and forth thing we have has been eating me alive. Am I coming, am I going? Should I stay, should I leave? Touch you, don?t touch. Smile, ignore. At least he gave me some insight. He told me you?re guarded; that when you?re out in the world, you?re drowning. It helped me see that you?re not two different people, one for me and one for everyone else. He shone a different light on things, and I see now that I should be flattered. You?re not drowning when you?re with me.

I won?t let you drown, because I love you.

I only wish that I could tell you. Someone else suggested we go away, to reconnect. I told him it wasn?t like that between us. We?re not a couple. Even if I did pour my heart out to you, I?m not sure we ever could be -- not in the conventional sense.

I told him that I felt selfish for wanting to tell you. He was confused. He didn?t understand. I could hear it in his voice when he asked me why.

It?s unfair.

It?s unfair that I have these feelings when I can?t seem to make room anywhere in my life. Not anything more than what we already share. And it?s not that you are just an afterthought. No, ma chere, you are so much more than that. I give you everything that I can. I won?t stop doing that, but you deserve more. It would be unfair of me to tell you because... because I think I would hurt you in the end.

?Love is not enough to sustain a relationship.?

I?ve seen it. I?ve seen the pain it causes and I?m not going to do that to you. I love you too much.

?She can?t stop you from loving her even if she doesn?t know.?

He?s right. You can?t stop me.

I love you.

I?m just never going to tell you

Canaan

Date: 2016-03-05 16:20 EST
Saturday. March 5, 2015


I think some part of my brain thought it would be easy to just let everything go once the decision to move forward had been made, but all I?ve been doing is stuffing everything out of sight, out of mind, out of the way. I feel like I?ve made progress only to look up and see I?ve only been walking in a circle and ended up right back where I started.

It was harder this year than last. I know part of it?s because I work myself up and give the day too much meaning. March 4th is no different than March 3rd or 5th. I had the same problems the day before, just like I have the same problems now. For some reason, though, I turn that anniversary into a day that haunts me. I give it power instead of taking the control for myself. It?s just a day. I wish I knew how to treat it like one.

The first year I set fire to so many things I couldn?t even count and went on a week long bender that I couldn?t remember when I finally came to. That time in my life is such a haze, wrapped up in mindless sex and drug use. It was getting harder and harder to forget my life, to drown my loneliness, so I branched out to find new distractions. I only vaguely remember the months surrounding my meeting Sal.

Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain't got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain

That?s how we met. We both wanted to go numb. We used each other to feel better, to forget everything that was hurting us, but I remember the moment that all changed. It was only the second time I?d been to his house, and in as many days. He?d brought me there the night before after getting me to call in to work. Said his bed was lonely. He had so much going on, not to mention one hell of a jealous lover. I didn?t want to get in the middle of anything, no matter how good the sex was, so the next night I went over there to quit him. That?s what I told myself, anyway. Just like he had his problems, I had mine. Jeremy?s birthday was that weekend and I knew it was going to be bad. I was sad. That?s the real reason I went over there. The responsible thing to do would have been to quit Sal like I meant to, but that?s not how it went. What started out as me trying to tell him I didn?t want to make anyone jealous ended with him telling me that Rei had left. Instead of leaving like I should have, I did something only a friend would do -- I asked him how he was. Sure, he lied to me and then we ****ed, but that?s what changed everything. I realized I gave a **** about how he felt. And the sex? All the times we?d hooked up before went exactly as they should have: mind-blowing ?forget everything else? sex. This time it broke us both. Instead of numbing the pain, we ended up feeling something. Not for each other, mind you, but that was the night our friendship took off.

Everything changed after that. I?d found a friend. I made a few more. I built a family out of them and my life improved exponentially. They all saved me. I remembered how to find happiness in the midst of pain. I had helpmates at my side.

When the second anniversary rolled around, I was scared about what would happen, but? I was fine. Sal sat with me on the beach and we talked. I played guitar. It wasn?t hard. I didn?t even cry. I was proud of myself for growing by leaps and bounds compared to the year before. The only destructive thing I did was throw Jeremy?s ring in the ocean, a decision I regret still to this day.

But this time around? I felt like a house of cards. The smallest thing could have blown me over. Everything just seems to be weighing down on me so heavily right now. It doesn?t help that I?ve piled on the problems of others, because that?s a thing I do when I want to ignore my own.

What would I do without Salvador? He?s the best friend and lover a man could ask for. He let me lean on him when I needed to, and I needed to often yesterday. He kept encouraging me to continue on, even when all I wanted to do was sit down and let everything swallow me whole. Sal helped me work through the tears, kept me occupied, pushed me to focus on what?s good in my life. It?s hard to remember how to keep moving forward, and I?m so grateful for his help.

That?s the thing, though. I?m starting to learn that it?s not always going to be easy. Sometimes I?m going to struggle with things I thought I?d gotten past. Moving on is not something achieved, it?s something you work at every day for the rest of your life.

-----
when i see what i should
when i see that it's good

to experience the bittersweet
to taste defeat
then brush my teeth

cause i struggle with forward motion
i struggle with forward motion
we all struggle with forward motion
cause forward motion is harder than it sounds
well everytime i gain some ground
i gotta turn myself around again

Canaan

Date: 2016-03-13 19:08 EST
Sunday. March 13, 2016


It?s been almost a week since I went to see Mags. Been riding the line between processing and avoiding thinking about it at all. I?d be lying if I said a small part of me wasn?t hoping they?d be able to see my side of things, even though I knew better. It?s like no matter what I do, no matter the changes I make, the strides I take, I **** everything up. They were all I had left of my old life. That?s part of the reason I put it off for so long; I knew going to see them would end in severance. Guess it?s good that it stops there.

We talked about going to New Orleans when we left Paris. While I believe that Magdeleis and co. won?t retaliate any further, I can?t say that with any certainty about the people waiting back home.

Home.

That word comes to mind so easily because it?s familiar. It?s been home for so long, but?

New Orleans isn?t home. The Bay isn?t, either. Paris has nothing left for me. My home is here. This is where I?m living my life. I?ve got a man who wants to build something with me, friends who support me, fresh opportunities around every corner. I?m more myself now than I?ve ever been before. I don?t want to be anywhere else. We?ll go back eventually once we?re positive no one else is trying to kill me, but it?ll only be a trip down memory lane.

I?ve wanted nothing more than to walk those streets with Sal for so long now, but if I?m honest with myself I?d rather be here -- digging this seemingly never-ending hole of a root cellar with him.

Home.


-----
This is where I belong
This is where I choose to stay on
This is where I belong
My home
I belong
Home
I belong now

Canaan

Date: 2016-03-20 22:35 EST
Sunday. March 20, 2016


We arrive in a clearing covered in green moss and the fresh shoots of new grass reaching toward the sun. A sun which does nothing to warm the unnaturally cool air. We stop in the middle of the circular sanctuary beside a small rock decorated with the runic markings of an ancient language.

All at once the veil is parted. Freed from the trappings of my mortal sights, the illusion falls away to show the Grove?s true nature. Instead of a small rock, we now stand beside a large boulder. That boulder, like the glamoured stone in the false glade, is decorated in rune-work and ancient incantations. The boulder is split in half with one flat side and etchings that bear the resemblance of a single grave marker.

There she stands before us: a perfect, fearsome vision clothed in alabaster white over toffee colored skin. Beautiful in her utterly stoic plainness. Her dark hair is unbound, laying straight down her back and her dark eyes are fixed on me.

"Good morning, Canaan Devillier. Be welcome in my domain."

The ominous energy that churns within the clearing stirs inside me a healthy fear. I am surrounded by death, unable to deny the inescapable truth that there is an end for all, and all shall find it. I take a step back when I see Her; She is framed by a tall, red-veined and weeping tree behind her. Brittle shards of broken bone crunch beneath my boot. No longer do we stand on the plush form of moss and wet earth but on a dense platform of crushed, packed bone soaked through with old blood. The thick and cloying scent of decay permeates my every sense.

She Who Tends the Dead. Faye Random. Truthspeaker. Linewalker. She has many names and none. I asked her, long ago, which she preferred. I have no preference, she told me, and so I chose none.

"As you will it, Innom?,? I say to her. I fall silent as she turns to greet her son.

We lay our offering at her feet. I stare, transfixed, as the bones are picked clean before my eyes. All that remains of the stag?s body disappears into the sea of crushed, white bone under our heels. Hers is a power that chills me to the core, a foreign feeling that settles in my belly like cold iron, untouchable by even the fire that I possess.

I would be lying if I said I was not ill at ease. My only comfort is in knowing I have Salvador by my side. Were he not with me, I do not think I could stand to dwell here for very long. It is a place for the dead and those who walk its line, not the living. I look to Salvador, but I have trouble defining what it is that I see upon his face. Is it peace? Equanimity, perhaps. A quiet sort of contentment. He is at his leisure in this place.

Later, both he and She find me studying the blood tree. Salvador invites me to touch it. My hands slide across its slick surface, consisting of pulsing veins all twisted together to form a tall trunk. Its puissance is undeniable. This, I know without having to ask, is the wellspring from which Salvador draws his power to unmake all that which is made. I see him smiling at me and I smile back.

Trinkets dangle from its drooping, vine-like branches. A razor blade necklace with a heart punched through the center. The ring that Sal gave me to call upon his mother, which I gave back to him unused. The hook swords he uses sometimes. I look up its long body to the top. It is twice my height. Faye tells me it grows as He grows, a foot for every year.

I should like to see it taller than even the Redwoods, I think to myself.

The tree is the one thing in the Bone Grove, apart from Salvador himself, that I find even remotely comforting. It even has a heartbeat. I press myself to the trunk without a care for the blood that coats it, and listen to the steady beat that pulses within it.

?It?s not yours,? I decide. I would know his heartbeat by touch alone.

My eyes find Salvador?s and he shakes his head. "It belongs to a friend. I'm keeping it safe."

I make my place at the foot of the tree, resting my back against it, feeling the steady pulse of its blood-power though the thin material of my shirt as it flows up from the ground in which it is rooted. Beside me sits Salvador and beside him, Faye. We three sit together like this for so long that time begins to blur.

I learn that while She sleeps, She dreams of his life. She knows everything, and still She wants to hear it all from his lips. I do not blame Her. I, too, love to hear him speak. There is nothing he tells Her that I do not already know, every little insipid detail of the winter season. I do not interfere or invite myself into their conversation, if it can even be called that; I simply listen, even when the topic moves on to heartache and Salvador bends his head to lay in her lap. Faye combs her fingers through his hair. I hold his hand. Together we give him all that we can. She, the gentle touch only a mother can provide and I, my love for him in the warmth of my silent, steadfast presence.

Before we leave, I lay a frangible shaft of dead snapdragons on the head of the gravemarker. I cannot read the words that are written there, but the flowers are not for whomever it marks. I leave them for Her. A simple token of my gratitude.

Canaan

Date: 2016-04-12 14:50 EST
Sunday. April 10, 2016

I made my way through the room to find him after making my rounds; he had tucked himself into a quiet corner where he were least likely to be bothered. His smile grew the closer I got. I don?t think he knows what that smile does to me.

To think there was a time when it was rare. I remember that, you know. When he was so guarded that he kept everything hidden behind a carefully kept wall. I?m so happy he let me in.

Sal pulled me down into his lap and stole a kiss from the corner of my mouth. We sat like that, his arms tucked around my waist and one of mine around his shoulders, enjoying the contented quiet while we watched the duels. There wasn?t anything that needed saying just then. The silent intimacy of simple togetherness had me bleeding heat all over the place. I didn?t even realize it until he sagged against me, sighing pleasurably, eyelids drooping.

I like being with Sal. I like being near him. We don?t have to be doing anything crazy to keep me interested. ****, I?m thrilled simply to know that he wants me close. They say that only those who have lost something precious are truly capable of fully appreciating what they have. It would probably be wrong of me to claim that I feel more deeply for Salvador than someone else for their loved one, but I?ve loved and lost -- lost everything -- and I know that I don?t take any moment we share for granted. I love all of the mundane, what others might call insipid, moments of our lives. The things we do are intentional. When we?re together, I know it?s because we want to be, not because it?s habit.

He was so relaxed, so content, it probably wasn?t fair of me to interrupt that. But I did. I?m not even sure what sparked me to bring it up.

"Did I tell you Micah called me? While we was in Spain."

Sal didn?t respond right away, and when he did, it was quiet and drowsy. ?No.?

I sucked in a deep breath, held it, and then let it out while crunching down on what was left of my sucker. "Yeah," I mumbled, reaching up to pluck the empty stick out of my mouth. I twirled it between my fingers and thumb, looking down at the tiny chip of blue still attached to top.

My sister and her husband told me more than a year ago that they were going on vacation. That was the last I?d heard from them. I received no invitation to their wedding, no birth announcement when their daughter was born. They didn?t even tell me where they were going. It took my killing Nash for them to contact me. And when they did? Micah made it sound like everything was peachy keen.

Eventually I stirred from my thoughts and flicked the sucker stick away. It bounced off the table and onto the floor. "Left me a message. I don' have it anymore. I deleted it. ?So I was sitting here, enjoying the Italian sunrise, when I get a call from Nola. What the **** did you do? Call me, you stupid ****ing idiot. Love you.?? I took a drink from my beer to hide my restlessness. "Dat's what it said. Been havin' a hell of a time decidin' whether or not I should call 'em back."

It wasn?t until I felt the chill of Salvador?s power where his arm lay against my waist that I realized my mistake. I looked up at his face. There was the faintest glow in his eyes. He turned one hand off the other, whispering something under his breath. Tiny, tiny tendrils of red roots sprouted from the floor to twine around the sucker stick and dissolve it into so much dust. The minor energy flux that had pooled around us to contend with my heat dissipated and he tucked his hand back against the other right on my hip.

"I wouldn't," he murmured. "**** them."

I didn?t answer him immediately. My eyes were still fixed on the spot where my sucker stick had landed, dumbfounded that I?d allowed myself to make such an error. I?ve made enemies who mean to do me harm. I know first hand what magic could be done with discarded personal items, especially ones that had biological traces on them. My mind was a cloudy, murky mess of thought and emotion. Just thinking about my sister, her husband, their child? their notable absence from my life, it had driven me to distraction. What would I do without Salvador?

I shook my head to clear it of thought. "Yeah. I say dat to myself a lot." I repeated it right then for good measure. "**** dem." I sucked in a deep breath. "But I don' know. Another part 'a me doesn' seem ta be able ta let go."

"They left and built a new life without you, without telling you. Your niece was born, and they never told you. He calls, while we're in Spain, after... what happened." I didn?t blame him for not spelling it out. "What makes you think you'll be received any differently with them than you were with your friends in Paris? 'What did you do?' This says to me he's already painted you as guilty, just as they did. Why expose yourself to that?"

I?m a man who values the truth, no matter how much it hurts. That doesn?t mean I?m not affected when that truth cuts me to the quick. I just prefer it to a lie. Lies hurt even more when they?re discovered, and I always find out. I knew that Salvador was spot on with everything he said, but having it spoken so matter-of-factly? it felt like he?d punched me in the stomach and then kicked me while I was down. I straightened up, collecting myself along with my expression, which became inscrutable to anyone who might have looked in our direction. I didn?t want anyone seeing how much it hurt. Of course, I realized that Salvador would know by my reaction how his words affected me. I tried to make myself relax against him, release the tension in my spine and shoulders until I was resting against his chest again in my usual slouch, but the damage was done.

"Lo siento," Sal murmured. His arms loosened considerably and became more of a drape around my waist than an actual hold.

He tried to divert my attention to the dueling, seeking to help me find distraction in a good fight. I gave it some consideration, but couldn?t stop thinking about what he said. I twisted away from him, unwinding my arm from around his shoulders to face forward, put my elbows on my knees and stared at the floor.

"Don' be sorry,? I finally said. ?It's de truth."

Salvador said nothing. The loose drape of his arms turned into just his hands settled on my hips, fingers slowly hooking through a belt loop on either side. Several minutes later, he tried again, pointing out another dueler looking for a fight. I turned it down once more. He raised a hand to touch between my shoulders and pulled it lightly down over my spine.

I'd had every intention of getting up to find a bottle of bourbon to take home with us, but the light touch of fingers sliding down the length of my spine was enough to keep me firmly rooted on Sal's lap. He knows me well. Better, I think, than anyone I?ve ever encountered. I rounded my shoulders and tucked my chin close to my chest. I loved when he did that. It didn?t matter that my jacket was in the way. As if reading my thoughts, when his hand reached the base of my spine, he tucked it up under my jacket, and shirt, to push his cool hand back up along the scales. The edges of my scales caught, lifting slightly as Sal's cool fingertips slid against the grain. I sighed in satisfaction as those same fingers stroked all the way back down the warmed, silky reptilian stripe of skin along my spine. So soothing.

"Would you like to go hunting?"

I shook my head faintly. "It ain' like-- I'm not... mad." And what I was would not be helped by a rampage through Faerie. But that he cared enough to want to make me feel better was the best feeling in the world. Salvador has always been attentive to my wants and needs. He?s been here for me, supported me in everything. I can count on him to have my back. This relationship, our partnership, is the only reliable thing in my life. So much has gone wrong, so many people have disappeared from my life, but not him. He?s here and he?s made it abundantly clear that it?s because he wants to be.

Sitting up abruptly, I twisted around to catch Sal's jaw with my nearer hand, holding him still so I could plant a kiss on his lips. Hard, but short-lived. "Thank you, though." I couldn?t thank him enough for being himself.

Sal made a surprised but also absolutely pleased noise against my mouth. He pulled one hand across the back of my right hip and smiled. "De nada." Then he tilted forward more to touch a much more gentle kiss on my lips, murmuring afterward, "Te amo."

My grip on Sal's jaw loosened up until my fingers slipped away entirely, sliding down the front of his throat and out to the side to brush a few knuckles across the tattoo hidden by his shirt. "I love you, too.?

I?ll never be able to tell him how much I really do, there aren?t enough words or ways to say it. I?ll just have to keep showing him.

_______________________
(Adapted from live play with the amazing Salvador~)

Canaan

Date: 2016-04-19 13:13 EST
Tuesday. April 19, 2016


?What happened to the both of you to make you so distrustful??

If you only knew. I could tell you; I could obliterate your na?ve, ingenuous outlook on life so quickly and with so few words. I could ruin your innocence easily, but I won?t. You simply don?t understand. Children rarely do. I suppose I can?t hold that against you.

-----

?Is it? is it really so weird that I might like both of you? That you?re both valuable --that?s the wrong word, that you both matter to me -- for different reasons? I?ve been crossing my fingers that Sal didn?t hate me since long before I started picking up things off you, Cane.?

?You?ve given me no reason to hate you at all.?

Her smile was a dim one. ?That?s good news.? Her narrow chest lifting in a long sigh, the girl pushed it out again, ruffling a few loose strands of violet. ?...Sorry. I didn?t mean to ? lash out like that. I just. I don?t have many feelings of my own an? I know the difference between the borrowed ones and the ones that come from me.?

?For now.? Salvador was skeptical, though.

Seeing the girl?s smile grow deepened the set of Cane?s frown. ?You misunderstand,? he interjected. ?He isn?t talking about you not giving him a reason to hate you. He meant that you?re able to differentiate what?s borrowed versus what belongs to you.?

-----

I wish I could make you understand.

You asked me to teach you how to keep others from getting inside your mind, yet you admit to delving deeply into the minds of others. You don?t even know the extent of the ramifications yet. But how could you? It will likely end up being one of those things you must learn for yourself.

Learning the hard way is unpleasant, kid. Trust me.

Canaan

Date: 2016-04-21 16:57 EST
Thursday. April 21, 2016



"Word traveled. When I asked 'er why she was here, she told me it wasn' 'cause of anything I'd done."

"You didn't do anything at all."

"Apparently I am a fantastic villain."

"I should tell them what happened. If they want to blame somebody, it should be me, not you."

"It wouldn' change anything. Though... I'm curious now what's going on in New Orleans if people are hearin' about it all de way in New York."

"We could go. Or you could. Or I could for you."

"I don' know what I want. I'm curious, but at de same time... a big part 'a me never wants ta go back. Dere's nothing left for me. But I'll let you know when I figure it out."

-----

I wish you were here to give me advice. I wish you could tell me what to do. You were good at that. I think you knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. You always knew just what to say.

It feels like unfinished business. You know how much I hate that. I don?t know what to do, and I hate that, too. The whole situation is one big cluster****, I can?t think straight. It all fell apart so quickly, dominoes falling one after the other. All because I just had to have my revenge. That?s what started this. I thought retribution would feel better, you know? I mean, I?m glad Waters is dead, but all that happened since then because of it has only served to make me feel even worse. It didn?t bring you back -- not that I thought it would. What was I thinking? That?s the only thing that could set that part of myself at ease; changing the past, having you here with me again. But that can?t happen and all I did was mess up everything else by--

I can?t dwell on that. What?s done is done. My only direction is ahead, I have to move forward. Like a mantra I repeat it every day: Forward motion, keep going, don?t dwell.

You?d tell me to start walking. That much I know. ?You gotta start walkin? if you wanna get anywhere.? I am walking. I?ve been trying to keep moving, but something?s got a hold on me. Keeps me looking over my shoulder. There?s this niggling irritation that won?t? I can?t even describe it. But it won?t let me get very far. I have this feeling like I need to go there, but for what? Like I told Sal, there?s nothing left.

Our family, the one we shared, they?re beyond my reach. It?d be cruel to show myself to them now; I?d have to craft so many lies. I?d stir up heartache. I don?t want to do that, I don?t want to hurt them. Even if I kept my distance and watched them from afar? then I?d be the one aching. Even more than I already am.

The ones I left behind in NOLA are a mystery. What happened with Nash has made its rounds, though, I suppose maybe it could have been Cris who told Salome about that. Regardless, my family has made it clear that I?m not welcome after what I did. Knowing how well-loved Nash was? I expect hostility from those I called friend. So why go back? It?s not like I plan to live there again. My life is here.

The only reason I had for wanting to go back someday was? stupid, I guess. Probably wouldn?t have happened, even if none of this had fallen apart like it did. Like I said, my life is here. My life with Sal is here. But I wanted to involve him in that part, for him to know he was welcome in every aspect of my life, including the pieces that were on Earth. I tried a couple times to introduce him to what little family I had left. What can I say? He makes me happy. I feel like a new person now. I wanted everyone to see that change and to meet the man that helped spark it.

But I never got the chance, not with him anyway. And now it?s all gone to hell.

Sure, I could still show Sal around town if I wanted to, but it?s not the same. Besides, it?s not the places I wanted to show him, it was the people. People matter most to me and now the only ones I?ve got left are his friends that I made my own, so there?s no reason to go back.

Why, then, can I not stop thinking about it?

I miss sitting around the firepit in the backyard, playing music with you while we hashed out all of life?s problems. I dunno? maybe you wouldn?t have a solution. I?m starting to think there isn?t one for this and it?s just wishful thinking on my part, pretending like you?d have the answers.

Maybe I need closure or some stupid **** like that. Or maybe I just miss you terribly today.

Canaan

Date: 2016-04-30 16:43 EST
Friday. April 29, 2016


It started with a handful of texts.

-----

He was waiting for her on the Shanachie's fairgrounds. The amphitheater's pavilion had been covered in a large, whimsical tent that gave likeness to the sort used by traveling circuses. In the middle was a low stage, maybe thigh-high in height, that would give them ample room for the various performances that would take place in less than a week's time.

Canaan sat on the edge of the stage, framed by the white silks that hung down from a lead up above him in the scaffolding. The light pattering of rain on the tent was rather soothing -- perhaps a good thing, given how angry he'd been the night before. Today's session was sure to be a doozy, so he was thankful, for once, for the damp chilliness that hung in the air.

Every inch of Lirssa was tight as a wire. Her footfalls fell hard on the ground and vibrated up her body. As she made her way to the amphitheater, she stormed down the walkways taking as direct a route to the man on the stage as possible. Her hair was tied back. Clothing had been changed from simple flight garb to practice leotard and shorts.

Charging up to Canaan, she aimed a shove at his chest and snarled, "Selfish bitch, am I? That's what you think?"

Canaan's eyes were on Lirssa like a hawk's, narrowed minutely and never wavered. Even seated as he was, he still had a few inches on her, so it was fairly easy for him to keep upright when she made her move. Her calloused palms touched down on on the soft cotton of his baggy, long-sleeve shirt. It would be easy for her to feel the unnatural heat of his skin (warmer than usual today) through the thin fabric. He curled his lip, anger tainting every line of his expression.

So much for the soothing sound of the rain.

"Yeah. I do. Selfish little bitch of a girl who can't see the forest for the trees. It ain' like I would'a wanted ta know 'bout my friend dyin'. What'd you think to yerself? 'Nah, I ain' gonna tell Cane jack ****. It doesn' matter, Cris didn' like 'im anyway.'"

"You bastard!? Lirssa snapped. ?I'm the selfish one? I lose someone who is near close as a brother to me, but by golly, let me just set aside that pain and that anger and make sure you and yours, who treated him like a leper, get the news!" She jumped up on the stage right next to him and glared down. "I'm not your ****ing messenger girl, and I'm not your pet." It was too much to be still, so she began to pace. "Who told you?"

"Me an' mine?!" Canaan snarled as he got to his feet. They were bare and made little sound as he stalked after the woman to get right up in her face. "Dat ass****'s de one who turned his back on us. Not de other way around. He didn' wanna be near us. He bailed, Lirssa, not me an' Sal. An' jes' who de **** do you think you are? Presumin? you know how much of a **** I give about him? You don' know ****!"

"And neither do you!" She could feel the heat radiating from him, and it only fed her own anger. Anger that was eating away at the shields of her gift. "You don't know, because you don't ask. You want folks to pour their hearts out to you, while you tell nothing." Hands curled into fists, and her eyes were wide and wild. "So, yeah, yeah, I don't know **** Because you won't tell. Even when I ask, you don't tell. You keep me apart. I get to be that curious thing you play with from? time to time."

Lirssa stepped away, arms spread out like she was ready to be stabbed. "So, you be mad at me. You go ahead. I'll match you anger for anger, you inflated, egotistical bastard."

The more Lirssa's shields broke down, the more Cane was able to feed off the anger that poured from her very heart of hearts. It built up inside him, growing, churning, just like the clouds overhead. The ashen sky grew darker; from light grey to charcoal and soot. Thunder rumbled overhead.

"The hell's this got ta do with anything? Me not tellin' you my goddamn life story ain' even on de same level as you not tellin' me about Cris." Cane's voice rose in volume along with his heart rate in tempo. "But see, I did ask you about dis, cher. I ****in' asked you what was wrong. You told me y'all had a fallin' out ya couldn' fix. What de hell was I supposed ta do wit' dat? I don' get in between folks havin' issues. Ain' my business.

?Furthermore," he went on, sticking a finger in her face that practically shook from the intensity of his indignation. "I don' expect nobody ta pour their heart out ta me. You wanna know some'n? Den ****in' ask!"

Lirssa?s arm circled swiftly, knocking his hand away from her face with the edge of her forearm as the circle came to its zenith. "I do ask. Once. One time you told me what was wrong, and I've never betrayed that confidence. I never will." Her voice had gone to the growling base of her register. Words were choked and brittle over a throat raw. "But Crispin was betrayed, his people were betrayed, and you embraced it. You couldn't stop it. Would you have? Why should I go running to tell you he had died? That's my question. Tell me why I should have stopped mourning my brother to tell the man who condoned his betrayal?"

A sudden swell of heat pulsed out of Canaan, the intensity of the cloying wave enough to be seen visibly as it rippled outward. Thunder crashed above them. The sound had the Cajun closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath through his nose before he finally saddled Lirssa with an unsettling glare.

Her voice had dipped into the lower reaches of her tone; so had Cane?s. The deep bass pitch of his voice fairly rumbled with a growl. "Maybe you oughta look up what 'betrayal' means. Disloyalty. I don' owe ****ing anything ta people who want me dead!" He'd yelled those last eight words, hurling them at her like they were weapons. "--Let alone a group 'a people who think I'm less than, beneath them. You wanna talk about folks being treated as lepers? How ?bout you ask me how my people get treated by dem bastards?

?I never betrayed Cris -- I never gave him over to his enemies. But he sure ****in' left me ta mine."

Anger upon anger, the heat, the rain, it all mixed together in a toxic cocktail with lack of sleep. Those words crushed and bruised Lirssa, the wall around her gift failing as the discordant notes of anger with sorrow brought them tumbling down like the fabled walls to a horn in some aged city. She stood trembling there at the inferno of his righteous rage. Her own anger turned, once more, against herself; at her failings. And she fell. The power surged out of her and into the only receptacle near to take it. Cane. The power was uncontrolled. In the in-between, Lir struggled to hold it back, feeling it pour from her like a dam broken.

It all happened so quickly. Lirssa's body deflated and Cane's seemed to lift as if he were a puppet pulled upright and taut by a string. He gasped as the surge of her power ran into him, filling him until he overflowed. They had done so many tests in the last near-year together, but nothing like this -- never the full might of her ability coupled with the entirety of his own. He'd always felt the results would be catastrophic; not something meant to be toyed with.

He had only a split second to make a decision.

The lights surrounding the stage blew out simultaneously, showering them in bits of glass and filament. The sheer volume of power coursing through him elicited a pained whine from the Cajun; muscles bunched and coiled, tense and flexed painfully tight. Rather than let the energy escape him like a supernova, which he knew would obliterate Lirssa in her proximity, Cane gathered his will and sent it up out of himself as a bolt of lightning that seared through the roof of the tent.

It was hot, it was loud, and it dropped him like a stone to the floor of a stage beside Lirssa.

She felt the power connect with Canaan, and the fear overcame the anger and the hurt. Worry and horror for what might happen scourged the rage away, and she grappled with the power, bottling it back beneath flimsy but effective walls. Too late. Too late, she saw as her eyes opened. Blinking rapidly against the blur concealing clarity, the shape across from her arrayed in the starlight of dying filament embers. And tears at last. What had she done? "Canaan?" she whimpered.

He wasn't moving. He wasn't breathing. The Cajun lay face down in a heap. The air all around him was thick with the sharp tang of burnt sulfur and ozone. His shirt was smoking faintly, a thin tendril of sheer gray haze wafting up from one of the several holes that had been burnt into the fabric. Three seconds of utter stillness and silence. Then, all at once, he gasped like a drowning man who'd finally reached the surface of the water.

Three horrible, gut wrenching seconds tortured her. And he breathed. And she breathed. "Canaan?" She felt heavy, as if the canopy still above them lay upon her. She drug herself closer to him, fingernails digging against the smooth stage floor. "Canaan?" She brushed fingertips over the holes in his shirt, she checked him over. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Lirssa?s voice was tinny and sounded like it was coming through a tunnel from a mile away. He hummed a noise at her that was supposed to be a word, but he couldn't make his mouth work. Little by little he was able to tip his head to look her in the eye. While he felt a little like he might be sick all over the place, it was getting easier to breath by the second and the ringing in his ears was not quite so loud.

"It's--jes'--would--" He heaved a sigh, tryign to reach up over his shoulder. The man's fingertips skimmed the very edges of the scales along his neck. "See if-- open m' shirt. My scales, Lir. My scales." There was a rising edge of fear in his rasping words. Fingernails scraped at the back of his neck.

On that note of fear she heard, unnerving for its absolute rarity, Lirssa did exactly as he instructed. She gathered up the feeble strength she had and she wrenched the flimsy shirt open to see the scales. The battered and bruised beauty of his back included the majesty of his scales.

"Fine," she panted out, relief making her near feint. "They're fine. Are you...?"

Cane's sigh of relief matched Lirssa's. Everything hurt in ways he was not entirely used to. While he had rudimentary skill with atmokinesis, the heated charge of the electricity affected him in ways that other heat did not. Fire could not touch him, but lightning could -- at least until he mastered the ability to harness it correctly.

"M'fine, it's--are you?" All at once he was frantic again and trying to muster the strength to push himself up so he could fuss at her. All he accomplished was batting a hand against her after rising up on an elbow. The world spun around him; he was dizzy. "Did I hurt--tell me yer--jesus, Lir." Rough, calloused fingers tugged at one of her arms. With a grunt, he forced himself into a seated position while trying to reach for her as if he intended to pull her close.

With both hands, because one was not going to be able to press down a lily much less a Canaan even in his state, Lirssa pressed against his chest to assure him. A very different gesture from her first greeting. "I'm fine. Tired, headache--" she looked at her clothes with the burn marks from where the sparks had fallen still hot even in their long flight, "--and probably need other clothes." Glad her hair hadn't caught fire. Those hands moved from his chest to run over his arms and hands, checking by sight and touch. "I'm so sorry," she repeated. "For everything."

The Cajun let her look him over through touch; she was given a thorough once-over with a careful eye and a boatload of trust in her word that she was fine. Their concern for one another seemed to have doused the flames of passion. "People say things without thinkin' when dey's angry." Canaan gave a minute shake of the head and a one-shouldered shrug. "I'm quite familiar with it."

There was a short moment of silence which was filled only by the sound of his labored breaths. "I never stopped caring about Cris. I'm sorry yer upset, cher. But you know well as I do dat nobody here stays dead fer long. His body ain' been claimed yet. Someone'll break de rules, upset de balance. He'll be back."

Assured he was not going to die--it would have been a double death because there was no way she could have handled a third death in so short a time and would have keeled over herself--she lifted her gaze to him, and the tears started afresh. A gentle rain of tears she had not yet shed for Crispin and what he went through. Smiling through those tears, Lirssa nodded.

"I've lived all my life in Rhydin. It is an unfaithful place. Unfaithful in life. Unfaithful in death. But," Lirssa sighed. "Canaan, I couldn't feel him. I went and saw his body. I dropped to the inbetween. He wasn't there."

Tears usually made him panic like a deer in the headlights. Cane barely knew what to do on the very infrequent occasions that it happened to his lover. But for once, Cane was too tired to flounder over what to do. He drew her in close, forehead to forehead, with a hand curled gently around the side of her neck. "Sal confirmed with his mother dat she hasn' claimed his body. Taneth's got 'im preserved. If dey ain' lettin' 'im go, den dere's a reason. I may not understand it, but? no one should get themselves too worked up 'fore dere's sufficient reason."

Lirssa closed her eyes, resting against him, and drew in a deep breath. The nod barely perceptible. "Mm," she made an agreeing sound. He had resources she did not, and she had to trust them. One more, long slow breath, the silent tears stopped. "I should have told you. I just...couldn't. I thought..." she stopped, "I don't know what I thought." Each answer she had led to another and another. "Too much and too little all at once."

"It's done," Cane said with a tone of finality. "Over. We got it outta our systems an' now it's behind us. We leave it dere. We don' pick it back up, we remember what we learned from it, an' we move on." Tipping his head, he brushed a chaste, friendly kiss on her cheek before letting her go.

She could do that. A smile to the kiss, and a sharp nod followed. Lirssa sat back and looked around the stage with its glittering mess. "Ummm... practice called on account of rain?" A lopsided twist to the cheeky grin, she slowly stood up and stretched one way or the other. "You call it, boss."

An amused snort escaped Canaan before he could stop it, which only made him groan in pain. A chuckle laced the sound as he nodded. "Yeah, pretty sure I need ta park my ass at home beneath some wards. Tomorrow d'oh. No excuses. Rain or shine."

She offered him a hand. "See ya home? Wouldn't want ya stubbing a toe or something. Show's not far off now."

He looked up at the offered hand and then further still to her face. "Thanks, cher, but I'm gonna sit here a while. Den see 'bout gettin' dese lights fixed. You go on." Frankly, he didn't want to move. Everything ached, especially his arms, but he did shift a foot out to bump her ankle lightly.

"Yeah.? Lirssa looked up and around, the trace of guilt slipped across her features, the smile faltering and then recrafted. He had given her leave to go, and the idea of arguing with him was batted away like an annoying gnat. "Tomorrow then, yeah." She turned, taking care where she walked, and jumped off the stage, she turned and looked back at him. "Just so as you know, and don't have to guess, you mean a lot to me, Canaan. I do care about you."

The Cajun's expression softened. A small smile formed. "I know dat, cher. But it's nice ta hear out loud. I care 'boutchou too. A whole hell of a lot, cher."

"Thank you," she smiled, and with a final nod, wandered up the walkways from the amphitheater, her path unbalanced but functional.

_______________
((Co-written with Lirssa<3))

Canaan

Date: 2016-05-13 00:51 EST
Wednesday. May 11, 2016


"Just be good to one another and always be friends first, even if you're in love. You've got to be thick as thieves." Madison drew another sip from her glass and turned it in her hand, around, around.

Up until that point I?d been tuning them out. She and Charlie had been talking about pregnancy and kids -- not exactly an interesting topic to me. Sal and I were tucked into a couch away from most of the crowd, drinking and people watching. Madi?s conversation filtered in past my own thoughts about ghosts and silent trip-making plans to visit Spain again.

?We weren't friends?ever,? Charlie replied. ?But we kind of like that about us. We - I mean, I think lovers who can be friends are fantastic, but I'm not sure that's what I need. You and Tag are good friends??

Salome drew my eye as she started to leave. Looking at her filled me with too many questions that I knew would go unanswered, not to mention the way it dredged up memories of Cris. I didn?t want to think about him anymore, so I turned my attention wholly toward Madison and Charlie.

"I'm no expert, birdy. That's just my experience. I've had all kinds of lovers in my time, but nothin' touches what I have with him. And I think it's because we were friends. But... for example, might work differently for you and yours. I ain't someone who can speak for that. Long as you're happy... and I can tell by the way you're smiling that he's got you good." Madi?s eyelids lowered a touch, her smile crooked and sweet. "Tag has been my closest friend for... going on seven years. We traveled on the road together and everything. Then one night it just wasn't friends anymore. It was somethin' else. But, to be honest with you Charlie... it was always there. It just looked different, I suppose."

I couldn?t help but smile. Her words reminded me so much of how it all went down with Sal. I could echo her word for word and it would be no less true. I?ve had all kinds of lovers in my time, but nothing touches what I have with him. And I think it?s because we were friends. Flashes of the memories we?ve made together filled me with an undeniable warmth that turned my insides to jello. Even after all this time, just the simple thought of Sal sets me on fire.

Suddenly self-conscious, I reached over to take the bourbon back from Sal and found him staring at me. My stomach seized in the most delightfully painful way; I couldn?t breathe. He held the bottle hostage for a moment or two longer. Long enough to smile at me. Long enough to lean over and press a kiss on my mouth. I was certain he?d experienced the same flood of memories and emotions that I had. He gave up the liquor before the kiss broke, but I didn?t take it. Not yet. I was too caught up in the moment.

I?m a fool for you.

The kiss left me feeling dazed. I chuckled stupidly and shook my head, only taking the liquor from Sal once I'd turned my head away. Up close like that, he could probably see the touch of color that accompanied the heat that crept up my throat and spilled onto my cheeks. Even a long swig from the bourbon couldn't hide it.

Salvador grinned fiercely, keeping his head close to mine; so close that his nose brushed up against my blushing cheek while I was taking a drink. He pressed another kiss to the back of my jaw just as I lowered the bottle. Then he bumped his forehead to my temple and held that position there, eyes closed and smiling.

?That's a long time to know someone you're with,? Charlie responded. ?I honestly can't even imagine that kind of history; the connection you share must be incredibly special. And what do you think sparked the transition, Madison? If I can ask. If I may ask,? she corrected herself, a little primly.

"I don't know the answer to that, Charlie. We still puzzle ourselves over it. Just ... time, maybe? We were both with other people for a time. Just one night... well, I didn't want to be his friend and he didn't want to be mine."

?Try to remember,? Charlie urged, a little animated. ?There must have been a look, or a certain zing when your fingers touched - a storm outside, Casablanca on the television.?

I couldn't help but get caught up in memory again, especially with Salvador pressed up against me. When had things changed for us? When had we crossed the line from friends to more? I knew the exact moment I realized it for myself, but I?m certain it happened before that, quietly and without our knowing. I snickered stupidly yet again and sank into a slouch with my shoulders hunched. I even reached up to yank my hat off to cover my face instead.

"I blame the rain." Simply, and there was smoke in Madison?s voice.

?See - the rain is an excellent precursor.?

I couldn?t see it, but I knew Sal was smiling. I could feel the way he shook in silent amusement. Salvador untangled his hand from mine and shoved it behind my back, upper body turned to face me. He reached across with his other hand, putting it on the back of mine to help hold the hat in place, and dipped his chin to graze his teeth over the skin of my neck. He smoothed that over with a kiss on that spot, saying nothing.

"Yer not helping." My voice was low, restrained in the effort to contain laughter. I managed to keep from squirming so we didn't make a huge scene. Certainly didn?t need anyone staring at me while I was lit up like a barn on fire. But some things couldn?t be helped. I tipped my head just a little to give Salvador better access and lost track of the ladies? conversation.

Salvador's chuckle was a bit more audible that time around. "No?" He proceeded to not help even more with another round of teeth scraping briefly against skin. Again he pressed a kiss to that spot, but this time he lifted his chin to speak, quietly, close to my ear while grabbing my ass with his hand. "Where are we staying tonight?"

I made a strangled noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a growl, and pulled the hat from my face to playfully beat Sal away from me. It got an honest laugh to spill out of him that made my heart soar. That laugh is by far the most beautiful sound I know. He leaned back against the armrest, hands raised to ward off as much of the beating as he could. I smiled.

"The Burrow," I answered, immediately ceasing the barrage to jam the hat crookedly on Sal's head, where I left it after pressing a hard, loud, smack of a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Then I pushed him roughly away.

Sal lifted the hat only to tug it back down, backward, more securely on his head. He shoved me in retaliation, toward the edge of the couch.

"Let's go then, guapo."

Seemingly on her way out as well, Madison aimed a smile at us while heading for the door with Charlie. "Night fella's."

"Night, Madison." I sang the farewell to her as I stood up, grinning like an idiot. Sal slapped my butt as soon as I got up, then flagged a wave after Madi. I twisted around to tug him up to his feet, pulling him close once he was standing. He, too, was grinning victoriously. Aided by the pull, he slid around so we were chest to chest, and pressed a kiss to my lips.

"Well come on, I'm waitin' on yer slow ass. Let's go." Somewhere in there, he'd got his hand tangled up with mine again, and after the kiss, Sal tugged me toward the exit. Eager to get home myself, it was all too easy to pull me along.

-----

"When do you think it happened? When we stopped being just friends."

Salvador laughed quietly. "Ah god. I don't know." After a few minutes of walking, he said, "Probably November."

I pondered that as we continued to stroll in the direction of the Burrow. Our home in the woods was too far to reach by foot, but we both liked to walk, especially at night. I remember the day that I realized I was irrevocably in love with the man beside me, but at what point did things begin to shift?

"I think it happened the day I came over because you said you weren't okay."

Sal slowed to a stop for a minute to reflect on what I?d said. He looked introspective, and almost sad. It made my heart ache. He nodded. "Yes. That was in November. Though I think when you told me you would have stayed with me through Halloween is when I first felt something. Which... was also November."

My mind wandered to that first Halloween. I?d ditched him to spend the day with Evelyn. It didn?t occur to me until much later in the evening that he would have a hard time. The day of the dead. I don?t know why it didn?t click sooner. I ran my fingers over his chest until they found the key on a leather string hidden beneath the fabric. It belonged to a cell far below Sal?s apartment, in the dungeon. I gave it a nudge just before I kissed him, hard. I wasn?t going to let him be sad right now, not when I was so incandescently happy.

?So maybe it was before then. I tried to find you. I-- wanted ta be there.?

?Maybe,? Sal replied breathlessly. His fingers fluttered lightly from my waist to chest, touching here and there, ending with a sweep of his thumb over my collarbone where the tattoo was hidden beneath my shirt. ?I was always drawn to you. I?ve always found you soothing.? He paused to smirk, recalling, ?I remember one night in September wanting you in my bed more than anyone. I made you hang up your phone.?

My heart began to thrum wildly. I tried to temper the intensity of my smile while nodding in response, eyes downcast to watch my fingers toy with the shape of the key. ?And I-- I?? I looked back up, pupils blown and exhaled a breath of nervous laughter. ?I tried hard ta come up with excuses ?cause? ?cause I didn?t wanna admit dat I wanted ta be in yer bed more?n anywhere else.? Another flash of memory from that night made me smile. ?I called you lover dat night.?

Sal smiled, too, and brought our foreheads together. ?I know.? He tipped his chin to steal a handful of gentle kisses, slowly pressing himself closer, then angled his mouth up to whisper something in my ear.

A shiver coursed through me that had nothing to do with the temperature and everything to do with his request. Breath after breath caught in my throat. I raised both hands to touch his face, letting the tips of my fingers dance over his cold skin.

?Say yes,? he breathed against my lips.

I recognized the echo from that night in September and responded with the same words I?d given him almost two years earlier.

?Bon, bon amant. Oui.?



There wasn?t a certain moment when I fell in love with you, the sky just eventually got bluer and everything started feeling more warm. - Unknown

______________________
(Adapted in part from live play, with special thanks to Madi and Charlie.)

Canaan

Date: 2016-05-17 03:02 EST
Tuesday. May 17, 2016


I don't wanna steal your freedom
I don't wanna change your mind
I don't have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

I don't have to meet your mother
We don't have to cross that line
I don't wanna steal your covers
I just wanna take your time

I don't wanna go home with you
I just wanna be alone with you

No, I ain't gotta call you baby
And I ain't gotta call you mine
I don't have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time
(Sam Hunt - Take Your Time)

--

Canaan

Date: 2016-07-12 15:48 EST
Tuesday. July 12, 2016


12 Jul 2016 - 00:01

Text from Sabine:

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT CRIS.

This frickin place. I guess it's being kept hush hush for now, but thought you and Sal might want to know. Tell him for me? MUAH!


I?ve opened this text a thousand times against my better judgement. Every time I look at it, I have to fight the urge to throw my phone across the room. Right now I want to fling it out the window and watch it explode against the pavement in the rearview mirror. Salvador is driving; we?re going so fast, I?m betting even his magically protected phone would not survive the fall.

I don?t know what to say to her. Several times now I?ve started to type out a reply.

Great.

I?m glad.

Happy for you.

But the truth is, I?m not. Part of me is glad that she?s happy again, sure, but I?m not glad it happened.

Death is a necessary part of life, and upsetting that balance is just wrong. It?s wrong. There are very few principles by which I live my life, but not messing with the laws of nature is one of them.

I made Sal promise he?d never bring me back.

**** like restarting my heart is one thing, but resurrecting me after my soul is gone is another entirely. That?s assuming I even have a soul. It?s a subject that?s up for debate. It was a sobering conversation, but after everything that?s gone on, I needed him to be clear about what it is I want. Because I will die someday and I don?t want anyone taking measures to cheat the Fates. I don?t want it done for me and I refuse to do it for anyone else, not even Sal.

I think about what Addie did to bring Sandalio back. Her reason for doing it - the way she looked at me as if I couldn?t possibly understand her grief. I know grief. I know it all too well. But I wouldn?t even bend these laws for a man I thought I couldn?t live without. I wouldn?t do it for anyone, no matter how much I loved them. Hell, it?s because I love them that I would leave them at rest, regardless of the pain it caused me. And look at how she?s paying for what she did -- it?s eating her alive. That girl is breaking. As much as I abhor what she?s done, I?ve tried to help her and I wonder if I should do more.

And now there?s Lirssa.

?Cris is alive.?

She told me over lunch. After our argument when he died, I?m sure she thought I?d be grateful to hear the news. It took everything in me to keep my thoughts to myself. I wanted to say so much, but I love her. Unfortunately, this wasn?t a text I could just ignore like I?d gotten from Sabine. She was waiting for a response, so I said, ?Told?ja.?

I had hoped to steer the conversation from Cris to our plans for Vivant - there?s a building I?m looking at to use as a practice space so we can start putting our troupe together. Get a little money rolling in while the stadium gets built. But she dashed it all away in one laughing breath.

"Yeah, but didn't think I'd have to be the 24 hour battery. We may need to work on my powering-people-up stamina. Laying in a catatonic state for that long is probably unhealthy.?

I thought I was going to be sick. I left after she confirmed she?d helped resurrect him; I didn?t want to say something to her that I?d regret. At least not until I?ve had time to sort my feelings out about all of this.

The Jeep jumps the curb as Sal turns into someplace called Adventure Plaza. The motion jars me out of my morose thoughts and I se Sal smirk out of the corner of my eye. He?d probably done it on purpose.

?Go-karts?? I guess.

Sal shakes his head and points at the other side of the park. He continued to swerve around the parking lot like a drunkard, enjoying all the shouts and cursing from people he nearly mowed down.

?Monster mini-golf!? I laugh, but not at him. It was just perfect. Something so ridiculously mundane. Stupid fun. ?What the hell made ya think ?a comin? here??

"I've been making a list,? he says. ?Of things I've never done. In my head. This is one of them."

I look back down at my phone, at Sabine?s message still waiting for a reply, and press my thumb against the screen.


MORE>SELECT>DELETE


I?m not going to answer. Anything truthful I have to say will just hurt her. I?m going to focus on right now, with Sal, and see if I can?t find out what else is on this list of his.

Canaan

Date: 2016-07-15 12:32 EST
Monday. July 11, 2016


The faint shimmer of magic along the outer edges of the wards that surrounded the beach house woke Canaan from a fairly deep sleep. He gasped, lifting his head to scan the room blearily from his spot on the floor next to Salvador. They were naked, stretched out atop a pile of blankets in front of the fireplace that was still glowing with a small fire that crackled and popped as it ate away at green wood.

Salvador, being an incredibly light sleeper, opened his eyes and smoothed his palm across Canaan?s stomach. He squirmed closer to put his head on his chest, trying wordlessly to soothe Cane back to sleep.

?There?s someone here,? Cane mumbled.

The Spaniard raised his head to peer at the window, though he was too low to the ground to see through it. ?I thought she left.?

?It?s not Saila, it?s Eden.? He?d know her magical signature anywhere. With a groan, Cane disentangled himself from Sal and crawled over to peek out the window. A taxi hover-craft idled at the end of the lane while the little brunette paid her fare. After getting visual confirmation, Cane crawled back to Sal and pressed an apologetic kiss on him. ?Yer prolly gonna wanna go to our room.?

He heard the Spaniard make a noise of discontent for having to get up and move, but he retreated to the bedroom without further contestation and Cane followed him shortly thereafter once he?d flipped the switch to turn on the porch light. In his haste, the Cajun donned clothes he grabbed from off the floor and then closed the bedroom door behind him when he left.

Cane opened the front door before Eden made it to the porch. Haloed by the harsh radiance of the porch light, he lingered in the doorway with a sleepy smile on his face.

?Well this is a surprise.?

"Is it too late?" Eden smiled up at him optimistically, even as she asked the question. Dressed in her usual uniform of t-shirt, jeans, and black high-top converse, she gestured behind herself with her helmet in the direction of the main road. The crocheted pineapple sitting in the bowl of the helmet flopped to one side. ?I can go back.?

?Nah,? said Cane, turning aside as if to invite her in without speaking the words. He held the door open with with his back and scrubbed at one of his eyes with the heel of his palm. The wild spray of his hair suggested he had been asleep before her arrival, but there was nothing in his demeanor to suggest he felt put out by the visit.

"Everythin' all right?"

"Uh-hunh!"

Bright and chipper as always, Cane noted, but he suspected this was more than just a friendly visit. He watched her take the porch with a bounce in her step, pausing to lean the skateboard she?d brought with her against the house and set the helmet beside it before stepping past him into the house, holding onto the crocheted pineapple like it was a lifeline. He waited for her to move all the way into the greatroom before shutting the door with a soft click.

Eden looked around and smiled suddenly as if she?d decided she liked the place, but her eyes caught and locked onto the blankets and pillows piled in front of the fireplace. "I woke you up." Not so much a question, and just a bare hint of apology in her tone.

"We fell asleep in front 'a the fire." The confession had Cane grinning drowsily at her; it was also his way of letting her know that Sal was present in the house, in case that mattered.

Her eyes darted back to the blankets on the floor as if she expected to find Salvador hidden among them, smile fading, uncertain.

"I see ya brought'cher pineapple friend. He -- or she -- get a name yet?"

The question about her pineapple seemed to distract her enough to bring the smile back to her face. "Not yet." Eden turned the pineapple so she could see its little eyes, smiled more, and then looked up at Cane. "It'll come to me."

Cane?s eyes dropped back down to the little crocheted pineapple's face. He smiled, chuffing a quiet, breathy laugh. A few seconds of silence stretched between them with her still lingering near the door, but he didn't want the girl to get uncomfortable. After seeing the spark of hesitation in her eyes after mentioning Sal, sought to assure her that her presence was not unwelcome.

"Did'ja wanna sit down?" He made a sweeping gesture with a broad hand, indicating the chairs at the table and the couch a few feet away. "Or we could walk down to the beach if ya'd rather. Sal's in bed, we won't bother him either way."

Eden glanced this way and that at the options, but it wasn't until the reassurance that they wouldn't be bothering Sal that she nodded towards the couch. "We can sit there."

Cane led the way and settled onto the couch at one end, Eden on the other, each of them angled conversationally toward the other. He stretched an arm along the back of the couch, bent at the elbow so he could rest his head against his hand. Pulling on of his legs up onto the cushion, he watched her cuddle the pineapple in her lap.

"Aric and Lirssa are a couple now, I think." Eden looked up and looked over at him. "You think?"

The declaration-turned-question came as a bit of a surprise to Cane. He hadn't known what to expect when she showed up out of the blue, but this had certainly not been included among any of his guesses. The Cajun blinked, words failing him for a handful of seconds until his brain gained traction, struck with a revelation: she wants my advice, friend to friend.

-----

Eden?s smile was back and she looked entirely reassured after a lengthy conversation that seemed to revolve around, of all things, ice cream. She leaned back against the leather couch and drew her pineapple closer.

"After Hydra, Andrea said I could take a vacation! Do you know what that is?"

Canaan drew his other leg up onto the couch, pressing his bare foot into the cushion and used his knee as a prop for his arm. "Damn girl!" He chuckled, hair falling into his eyes. "Let's see. A vacation is when ya go someplace to relax, have fun. Don' gotta worry about work or life or stress. Jes' enjoy yerself. It's a get-away."

"Yeah, we don't have that back home." She smiled and shrugged. "I think I'm going to go camping on the beach!" And now that she's said that. "Do you know anyone who might be able to lend me a tent?"

Curiosity danced behind his eyes. The more she talked about home, the more Cane wanted to know about the place. But now was not the time to ask her questions about that; he had a feeling it might dampen her mood.

"Camping on the beach is a great idea. I've got a tent you could borrow if ya want. My friend Rekah an' I -- Sal, too -- we usually jes' end up crashing on the sand when we sleep down at the beach, so the tent's not seein? much use these days."

Eden tipped her head to the side, but after a moment she shook it and beamed her dimpled smile at him. "Yeah, that would be great!" She shifted the pineapple in her lap, then looked down at it. "Don't worry,? she told the stuffed toy. ?You can come camping." Giggling, Eden turned a smile up at Cane. "I feel better."

The smile he'd been wearing for the past several minutes softened when she looked up at him. "I'm glad ta hear that. 'Cause I'm pretty sure the world ain' right if you ain' showin' off them dimples.? Cane paused briefly, then added, ?I'm not sure I really helped explain anythin', but I hope yer not so confused now."

Eden's smile softened too and she shrugged, confessing bluntly, "I don't know how to date." She fidgeted, gently twisting one of the pineapple's leaves. "But since we talked I kinda feel like maybe that's okay. I'll figure it out. When I'm ready." Her smile flared brightly at him once more and then she turned, setting the pineapple aside to start putting on her shoes. "I should get going. I already woke you up."

Cane unfolded himself and leaned forward, reaching out a hand to pat and then squeeze her knee. His hand was almost too warm, the skin rough and callused. "It ain' no t'ing, cher. I'm glad ya stopped by." He withdrew his hand and unfolded himself, feet placed flat on the floor. "I'll be happy ta listen anytime ya need an ear."

He glanced out the window; there was nothing but the pitch black of night out there. "Mind me askin' how yer gettin' back inta town?"

"Oh!" Eden exclaimed. "Could you please call me a taxi cab?" She reached into her pocket and and pulled out a tattered looking business card for City Cab and held it out to him. "Ask the dispatcher for Omar. He dropped me off and he said he'd come back, but I don't have a phone."

The Cajun squinted at her outstretched hand, skeptical, then pushed up from the couch without taking it from her and padded over to the other side of the room where a short hallway housed a few closed doors. "How about I jes' drive ya? I really, truly wouldn' mind. 'Sides, cab fare's expensive comin' way out here." He wasn't the kind of guy to take away a person's choice, so he waited to hear her answer before he did something like wake Sal up.

Eden tipped her head. After a moment of hesitant consideration, she said, "If you're sure you don't mind that would be great, yeah!"

Her answer pleased him, and it showed on his face. "Great. Jes' gimme a sec."

The man disappeared into the bedroom for a full minute, during which time Eden likely heard the bed creak and groan in protest as Cane's weight was applied to the mattress, a low exchange of voices. When he came back out, he had a set of keys in his hands and beckoned her toward the door with a wave of a hand. He slipped on a pair of flip-flops, then tugged the door open, saying, "After you."

Eden bounced after him outside. On the porch, she bent to pick up her skateboard and helmet before turning her eyes to peer out into the vegetation surrounding the little beach cottage. "Sometime, I would like to come visit you during the day."

"I'd like that!" Cane smiled, stepping off the porch to lead Eden to the Jeep where he opened the passenger side door for her to climb in. He had the top down, open to the air, so their conversation was not interrupted once he'd closed the door behind her. "I ain' here too often on account 'a havin' several places between me an' Sal, but yer welcome anytime."

He got into the driver's seat by grabbing the roll bar and climbing in, not bothering to open the door. The engine roared to life, which put a wild smile on his face; he loved this thing.

"Tell me, Eden," Cane said, looking over at her with mischief in his eyes. "Do ya like ta go fast?" The engine revved and they tore off through the sand and dirt.

-----

It feels strange to let someone in, even along the fringes of my life. I know I shouldn?t do it; she?s too sweet for me to ruin. But I won?t deny that I enjoy the prospect of making a friend.


___________________________
((Kudos to Eden Parker for her work with me on this scene!))

Canaan

Date: 2016-07-17 20:41 EST
Friday. July 15, 2016


Where there had once been a large shopping center across the square from the Rhydin Train Station, there was now an empty lot. Various pieces of machinery roared and rumbled as they trucked across the recently graded plot of land, readying it for the excavation of what would become the stadium?s basement level.

On the very edge of the property was a rectangular manufactured home temporarily housed on cinder block risers, boasting a sign on the side of the building that read BURKE CONSTRUCTION. Canaan sat smoking a cigarette on the steps of the makeshift office. He looked somewhat put together in a pair of nice jeans and a white polo.

"Big hole in the ground looks good."

Cane was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't know Lirssa was there until she spoke. He looked up in mild surprise, which melted into a wan but genuine smile.

Lirssa's hands were in the pockets of her cargo pants. It was her usual post flight attire; the sleeves of the raspberry colored henley pushed to her elbows. It had been easy to spot Canaan. Even with the growl of engines and crash of earth moved, he was as powerful a presence. She gave a shrug and lopsided grin. "So do you." She felt a bit disheveled standing there before him.

"Yeah, they're really movin' along now. I should prolly hold some kind 'a groundbreaking ceremony, but who's got time fer that ****?" Chuckling, Cane puffed away at the cigarette and exhaled a lungful of a smoke away from her. Letting the personal compliment fall by the wayside, he gestured to the empty space beside him. "Wanna sit down?"

Lir? said nothing but nodded her agreement and took a seat beside the Cajun, leaning forward with her elbows on her thighs. One foot on toes allowed her heel to bounce up and down.

"So," she started lamely. "Something I had to say last time didn't go over well." If he didn't have time for things, well, he didn't have time for her to prevaricate either.

Cane liked that Lirssa didn't hem and haw; she always got right to the point. It was admirable. He nodded slowly in response, sucking in another long drag from the cigarette. He'd smoked it clear up to the filter, and now that it was spent pressed the butt into his palm, closing his fingers around it.

"Yeah. I regret the way I handled that, Lir'." The Cajun turned his head to watch her profile. "I should've explain right then, an' certainly not left it ta hang between us fer this long. I'm sorry."

One hand flopped up and down, casting the words away. "Appreciate the apology, but I'm learning the way things work with you. That's no matter. What is the matter is I need to know what it was that made you walk away. I can't learn if you keep things from me. If I'm going to avoid the mistake again, I need your perspective." Lirssa gave a half laugh that barely moved her mouth; just a twitch. "Not saying I'll just do what you say, but I want to know." She leaned a little, her elbow out to nudge at his knee, "Just in case I do agree."

"Yer right," Cane agreed, echoing the half-laugh. "Yer absolutely right." Pulling in a deep breath, he smoothed his palms down his thighs. The cigarette butt seemed to have disappeared. "So here it is. I, um... I don' have very many governing principles, but one that's really important ta me is not upsetting the balance 'a life. Death is a necessary part 'a life an' I'm morally against bringin' folk back from the dead. I refuse ta be involved in stuff like that." Pausing, he licked his lips and raised his eyes to meet Lirssa's. "You know I'd never tell anyone what ta do an' I'm not about ta start. I ain' tryin' ta tell ya what ta do, but I can't in good conscience continue ta teach ya if that's somethin' yer gonna be doin'."

Whatever good humor was in her eyes fled. As did the blood from her face. Lirssa was pale as death herself. She made a swift inhale that caught and did not release. "You," she looked down and away, swallowing hard to get her breathing to start again. When she looked back up at him, confusion pulled her brows close. "But...you said he wasn't really gone. That..." her breathing was short, so the words had to come out in bursts on what breath she could claim. "That Salvador checked. His body wasn't claimed. You said? you said he wasn't gone yet."

The Cajun shook his head faintly. "No, I said he'd be back. That someone would break the rules an' upset the balance. I pointed it out 'cause you were so upset an' I knew there was no reason fer you to be that way. I wasn't happy it would happen, but I knew it would an' it'd make people like you an' Sabine happy. If Taneth hadn' been preserving Cris' shell, it would've begun the process 'a decomposition. He was gone. I assume it was Salome who brought 'im back. You an' Taneth, an' whoever else... y'all helped."

One of Lirssa?s hands curled into a fist, gripped by the other hand. It twisted, popped, cracked as joints were forced out and back. "So is Taneth going to be pushed aside, too? Or just me? You just said if she hadn't done what she did. But did you talk to her? Did you tell her?"

She was trying not to be angry, but she was. She tried to trace it back in her mind. Where was the source? Who was she mad at? Herself? Him? Cris? Salome? One switched for another and none of them right. "I can't ever do right. I can't ever be happy." The last she whispered and cursed at herself. She looked back at him, not even waiting for the answers to her first questions. She had not risen from her seat, but she was utterly still. "What do you want, Canaan?"

"Whoa, whoa." Canaan turned himself toward her, knees colliding with hers in his haste. He reached out with both hands and placed them over her own, squeezing gently. "Calm down, I'm not pushin' you aside! I'm not pushin' anyone aside. I love both you an' Taneth, yer so important ta me. All I said was I couldn' be yer teacher anymore. I wouldn' feel right knowin' I was teachin' you ta get better at--at that. It's my hang-up. Not tryin' ta force it on you, or even tell you not to do it. I'm jes' not gonna help. That's all." His brows furrowed in concern and he lifted a hand to cup the side of her neck, stroke his thumb against the angry set of her jaw. She was so beautiful in her anger.

"If Taneth was under my tutelage, I'd be havin' this same conversation with her. I promise." Promises were not something he made lightly. "You are yer own person, you make your own decisions about how ta live yer life. Jes' like I do fer myself. If you wanna continue yer studies fer that purpose, I can't help. But that don' mean I want'cha outta my life. I still want'cha at my side helpin' get Vivant on its feet. I still want us ta be friends, Lirssa."

The only movement in her body was when he jostled her as their knees struck. Lirssa?s jaw was set, but his thumb could feel the tension beneath her skin. All the trembling was in her stomach as it knotted. Her mind, as it twisted and turned trying to know what decision she would have changed, jumped from one thought to another. It was everywhere and could not settle.

She just looked in his eyes, tried to find a place to land her thoughts. To grasp a hold and stop the tumbling for just a moment. "I want to do good, Canaan." She knew his idea of good and hers were not precisely the same. It had never been an issue before. "I don't want to leave you." She affirmed. "I thought he was trapped between. Are you telling me his spirit was gone?" Her voice was cold.

Canaan's smile was sad. He stroked her cheek one last time before letting his hand fall away from her face. It brushed against her arm on the way down, ultimately settling on her knee. "Ya told me ya went to the inbetween." It was spoken softly, gently. "Ya said yerself he wasn't there."

A deep breath was drawn in uneven fits and starts. "I did," she admitted. Lirssa found the source of anger. Trust. "I...don't want to do that kind of thing, Canaan. If I did, I would have done it for so many others. I let myself believe it was right." The words were soft, and her eyes down at her hands now relaxed palm up; mea culpa.

Something sharp and intrusive pricked at the clockwork thing in his chest. For one slow, painful moment, Cane thought about Jeremy. His lungs constricted, tightening until he thought he would suffocate. Then, he forced himself to push the memory of his dead lover aside.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he tried to focus on what was here in front of him: A friend who was hurting. "Ya made a mistake." He only called it one because it sounded like they shared similar views on this sort of thing. "Ya can't let it drag ya down. Mistakes are meant ta be learned from -- so learn an' keep goin' forward. Learn ta use yer emotions ta think, not think with yer emotions. It's easier said than done, I know."

Lirssa knew Cane hated when people cried. He had never said so, but she had seen how he became uncomfortable, like his skin was no longer suited to his body. A nod, her lips pressed in a sardonic smile. "They don't work well together, emotions and logic, but," she managed a laugh, rolling her eyes to keep those incriminating tears away, "I keep trying. That's all there is. Keep trying or die." There was weight to that last word. The topic, the truth, the past, the future. It all had that word lurking in it.

At last she was able to look straight at him, no tears though the eyes were red from the battle to keep them back. "Will you still teach me?"

The Cajun flashed a crooked smile. The scene was still heavy, but it was headed in a better direction now. It sounded like they were on the same page, and for that he was glad. "Of course, cher." He straightened up a bit, giving her knee one last squeeze before withdrawing his hands entirely. "You okay?"

The smile was a bounce of her lips. Lirssa answered him honestly. "No." She took a deep breath, hands to the step on either side of her legs, preparing to go. "I should apologize to Cris, too. That won't make it right, but it will get me on the right path to being okay." The smile came back in its most gentle form. "I'm glad you spoke with me, and that you will teach me to be better."

For all Cane knew, Cris would be glad to be back. It wasn't for him to say, so he let the comment pass. He stood up in one swift move, descending the last four steps to stand at ground level, turning his head to smile at his student, his friend. "I can only teach ya what I know. Yer the one who will be able to gauge what is best fer you." Arms opened to offer a hug.

Such truths needed no voiced acknowledgement. They could toll like bells, be felt in the soul, and the smile widened with that feeling. Lirssa stood and went to hug tight her mentor, her friend, and -- though she'd never tell him -- her father figure.

_______________
(( Written with Lirssa! ))

Canaan

Date: 2016-07-29 11:05 EST
Tuesday. July 26, 2016


Sal was busy with work. I didn?t exactly feel like socializing, but needed to be around people which is why I ended up on the porch swing at the Red Dragon. Not wanting to risk someone sharing the bench with me, I?d taken up the whole thing by sprawling out across the seat to stare up at the ceiling. Not as picturesque as the night sky, but beggars can?t be choosers.

That was when Taneth came up the front path. I turned my head to watch her climb the steps one at a time until she reached the top. The woman looked a rumpled mess: a pair of my pants cinched around her tiny waist and bunched up at the ankles above her bare feet, one of Sal?s hoodies hanging on her like a dress. The clothes nearly swallowed her whole.

?Hey you,? I said.

?Boys are strange,? she replied with a slight frown. ?Your boy clothes do not help with understanding.?

I knew that look on her face. She was trying to make sense of something. I opened my arms to invite her onto the swing with me. ?I wouldn? think so, but they do make ya look gorgeous.? When in doubt, compliment a pretty woman.

Taneth smiled and shuffled over to climb into my arms, not caring that it was a million degrees and my body heat would only make it hotter. She never seemed to mind; it was like she soaked in my warmth for later use.

?I really just do not understand boys at all. You are kind of like a boy. What is their problem?"

Kind of like a boy. God I love her. It wasn?t difficult to parse the intention of her statement, but still? it made me chuckle; a quiet, husky thing that lasted just a few short moments. ?Only kind of?? I kept my arms loose around her. ?Boys are stupid,? I confirmed.

"But why are they stupid? You are not stupid."

"I used ta be a boy." The words sounded strange coming from my mouth and I had to fight back another flare of amusement. "An' I was very stupid. It took me a while ta fig'r out how ta be better. Time an' experience teaches boys not ta be stupid."

"Hm,? Taneth hummed. ?Time is so much like pants." Which everyone should know by now she does not like. "Restrictive and unfun."

"I agree,? I said. ?It's much better ta focus on right here, right now." I thought about Salvador and smiled. The Spaniard had liked that sentiment so much he'd tattooed it on his forearm. It was difficult to dial my thoughts back from Sal to focus on Taneth, but I did. "So which boy is stupid?"

"Oh, Pookie. He gets strange sometimes. And that Teddy too.? Taneth paused for a moment, then added, ?They are not as direct or strong like Charley or Grayson was. And Tormay was like me, so we just dances in flowers. So he does not count."

?Pookie an' Teddy are boys," I told her. They were both young (or so it had seemed from what I?d seen in the Arena). "Boys don' know jack ****. Sounds ta me like you want a man." I gently ran my fingers through her wild curls. "Do you..." I trailed off, not wanting to pry. After a moment of indecision, I lowered my voice to speak quietly. "Sal mentioned you were married before. What happened to him?"

She cackled wildly. "It was not real. That was Tormay, a fairy. And I am me. We tricked people, good, yes?"

"Oh." Some of the tension bled out of me. "Apparently ya did." A quarter smile tugged up one corner of my mouth.

"Tormay and I smooched and said we loved each other then one day....he was just gone. I am certain he went to the fairy lands with his momma. He came back once, but it was not the same and I was not the same."

"Do you miss him? Or Charley or Grayson?" The swing had been still for some time, so I thrust it into motion again. It creaked and groaned; the sound of it reminded me of summer in the Bayou. I shut my eyes.

"Grayson was sweet.? There was fondness in her tone, but it was brief. ?He was a swords dueler. So strong, but he went off to be brave. Charley was strong and he knew my less giggly self, but he did not understand that his tech world made my nature world with the illness. And he eventually said no more."

Taneth was quiet for a time and we both listened to the swing creak as we moved back and forth. Then, quietly, she said, "I miss the sweet bits we had, but none ever really let me just be me." I felt her shrug. "Charley and Grayson did not treat me like a child."

I hummed a noise that rumbled around in my chest. "I've noticed a lot of people do that to you." It irritates me when I see it, the way people treat her. I want to say something, but stop myself in the end because Taneth doesn?t need me to speak for her. When I open my eyes, I find her smiling secretively at me.

"My own fault, I suppose." She brushed her fingers along my cheek and chin. "But it does let me do what I want and learn so much."

Taneth's skin was so much cooler than my own, her touch a soothing gesture that I welcomed. A wicked little smirk teased the corners of my mouth. "Clever girl." A movie quote that was probably lost on her, but I didn't care. Taneth was a wildly devious creature, so capable and crafty; unpredictable.

Taneth continued to pet and stroke my face. "See, Teddy wants to find out my secrets. But Pookie, I think he believes he wants my affections."

"An' what do you want?" I asked.

"I...do not know sometimes." She admitted. "Sometimes I don't know that I belong. Is that bad?"

She sounded so uncertain and it broke my heart.

"No." A swift, firm answer. There was a moment of silence marked by a deep breath that filled my lungs and a slow exhale through my nose. "I don't think it's bad,? I went on. ?But it can get tricky when other people then try ta tell you what you should want." I tightened my hold on her, then, crushing her in a brief hug. "You have a place with me. An' with Sal, too."

She snuggled in close. "You do not get the eensy weensy bittest mad when I go around so much? What about Sal?"

I shook my head. "You've a lot of love to give, la joie. I don' need yer undivided attention ta know ya care. So no, it doesn't make me mad. Sal either. We still get ta spend time together. Like right now; this is nice. An' when you come spend the night with us. I like that, too."

Taneth?s smile broadened and warmed. "I like it too. Like when we were in the big bed. That made me feel so good." She bumped her head gently to mine. Snickering, she said, "I remember when you were my pony."

"Oh boy." That made me chuckle. I was still somewhat self-conscious about that memory. I turned my head to look toward the other side of the porch, watching it all play back in my mind?s eye. That's where it had all started. "I was so drunk."

She giggled against me in sheer delight. "I remember. You were so silly and it was so much fun."

"I live ta serve." Another chuckle leaked out of me, this one not as quiet as the last. "Embarrassing as it was ta see that video the next day, I'm glad it happened. Glad I met you. A bright spot of sunshine in an otherwise dreary world back then."

"I am so glad I met you,? Taneth replied. ?You and Sally are my loves." Adoring, affectionate, loving.

"We love you, too." It was a soft murmur, but no less heartfelt and meaningful. Our friendship has grown by leaps and bounds in the last two years. Now I thought of her as family. It was nice to have that again after feeling alone for so long.

"Cane? How did you know?" Taneth asked curiously. "How did you know Sally was it?"

I fell silent for a time. It was something that required a bit of thought. Then finally, "When I realized I felt better around him. When I realized I wanted ta make him happy more than anything else in the world. We don't promise ta be together forever, but I do know there's no one else like him an' I wanna spend every second that I can with him."

Taneth nodded. "I do not think everything can be forever."

That was not something she would normally say. My mind flagged the statement as being off, but I didn?t press her? because I agreed. "Me either. I know all too well that everything can be taken away in a split second. 'S why I try to appreciate what I've got while I've got it."

She gave me a smile and then lowered her voice to a whisper. "I get scared that everyone will just leave me behind."

It meant more than I could say that Taneth felt comfortable sharing some of her innermost thoughts and fears with me. I stroked a hand through her hair and the other along her shoulder blade. "I'm not goin' anywhere." I?ve said these words a number of times, but not to her.

"I hope not. Or I might have to smell you out." She scrunched her nose with the grin.

I grinned. "My little brother was the same way. I ran away when I was 15. He was only 5 years old an' managed ta find me. 'Course, I wouldn'a gotten very far with only a backpack full 'a clothes an' some bread an' my skateboard."

Taneth blinked at me. "So people of those numbers do not normally live on their own?"

"Not on Earth, which is where I grew up. A long time ago."

"I have heard much talk of this Earth. One day you will tell me about it?"

I nodded. "Sure. Anytime. Maybe I could even find some pictures ta show you." The idea had merit, though I wasn't sure where to get them. Maybe Petra had kept some? Nash might have stashed photos somewhere, but him being dead made it even more tricky. "Could even go visit sometime, too. Sal an' I like ta travel."

"You would take me?" Her eyes widened in surprise. "Really?"

It was easy to agree to that. "Yes, I'll take you somewhere. Dunno where yet, but we can do that."

She squeezed me tightly. "I would like that very much. For now, I grow weary and must rest."

"All right, darlin'." I squeezed her back and then released her into the wild. "Guess I should be headin' home, too. See if Sal's done workin'."

"I will see you soon,? she promised. Taneth gave me a kiss before sliding away.

_______________________
(Adapted from live play with the amazingly talented Taneth.)

Canaan

Date: 2016-08-15 16:38 EST
Monday. August 15, 2016


It?s like I?m staring at someone else; that the man in the mirror is not me. I?m disconnected somehow, lost in my own skin.

I lean over the sink and the face staring back at me gets closer to the glass. My reflection feels foreign. Perpetual youth. Handsome features. A stern jaw covered in a layer of stubble. Blond hair hanging down to frame one side of my face. Wild, angry eyes aglow.

This was the face of a man who knew loss and knew it well. I haven?t seen it in quite some time. But I?m in there somewhere, I just know it.

Salvador?s face swims into view in the mirror, concern etched into the lines of his expression. He says nothing; he doesn?t press me. He knows I?ll tell him what?s wrong if I feel like talking. I just can?t find the words. I watch as his eyes lower from my face to the electric razor in my hand.

The sound of it fills the bathroom as I cut it on.

He moves, then, padding silently to stand behind me and takes the hair clippers out of my grasp, turning them off.

I stare at his reflection, confusion rivaling concern as he stares back at me.

?Everything?s gone,? I say, and my voice sounds empty. Void. ?They pulled their funds. All of them. Except you.?

Salvador?s eyes cut away, casting about the room in deliberation.

I sigh. ?I just need--?

The rest of my sentence falls away in the wake of the razor coming back to life. I see the soft frown of disappointment forming on Sal?s face just before he steps completely behind me, blocking my view. A moment later, I feel the gentle, probing touch of his cool fingers slide along my jaw, urging me to tip my head back.

I close my eyes as I do so.

?Then let me help you,? he says quietly.

I don?t even need to ask. He just offers without question. I love that about him.

Canaan

Date: 2016-09-13 14:50 EST
Tuesday. September 13, 2016


I?m missing chunks of time.

There was something that happened. A memory? something Sal shared with me that went wrong, I guess. I don?t remember it. Apparently I needed to erase it from my mind. I?m not even sure what went wrong, and when I try too hard to think about it, I get a headache. Which makes sense because there?s nothing there to remember anymore.

I left myself a note lacking details; reading it makes me wish I knew what happened.

Erasing my memory is not something I?ve made a habit of doing over the years. I didn?t even do it to get rid of the sight of Jeremy?s truck after the train. And now I?ve gone and done it twice since coming here. Once for Sinjin, and now this. I don?t know what to think, except that I refuse to do it again. There must?ve been a good reason for it, but from where I?m sitting now on this side of the process, I can?t see the logic of it anymore. I don?t like feeling this way. It?s like I?m keeping secrets from myself.

Speaking of secrets, there?s been no word from Sin. The last time I contacted him was in April; he never responded. I sarcastically asked if he was dead, but now I?m starting to wonder. Before that, as far as I know, the last anyone?s had any contact with him was when he told me and Sal that he was going back to Madrid. That was six months ago.

When he and I were there together dealing with this ?problem? initially, he?d needed to be reigned in something fierce. I can?t help but wonder if he got in over his head. I don?t mean to underestimate him; he?s a monster in his own right. A terribly beautiful, fearsome creature. But **** happens when you don?t think clearly, and he was not thinking clearly. Part of me?s afraid he?s not coming back.

Another part of me?s afraid he will. I feel like **** even thinking that. I?ve kind of felt that in order to do this ?the right way? that I needed to get along with Sal?s other lovers. That if we weren?t friends, then that somehow meant I wasn?t fully supporting his lifestyle. Or something. So I trampled my own emotions, stuffed them down so far that I couldn?t see them anymore. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I swallowed back my own anger and hurt -- because if I?m being honest with myself, he didn?t just hurt Sal -- and forced myself to be there for Sin physically and emotionally. I put him first for Sal. And the sad part about it is? I actually care. Cared. Maybe not so much anymore. Not when all I see is him continuing to be a revolving door of hello?s and goodbye?s and hurting Sal more than he makes him smile. Maybe it would be better if he never came back.

No. I still feel ****ty thinking that way, even if it might be true.

Then there?s Skid. He isn?t around very often, either, but when he is there?s no tension with him. Being his friend hasn?t been hard. I?m grateful that Sal has him in his life; he?s there for him. He?s there for me, too. We recently visited his home world, made a little vacation out of it. Aoife even came with us. He?s teaching me to harness my demon, which is something I?ve more or less neglected for the better part of my life. I used to be afraid of being a monster. Now I learning to love it.

Maybe that?s why I?m looking forward to Autumn. It?s a tough season for Sal, being forced to do things he doesn?t want to do. I can only imagine what it?s like, and keep thinking of ways to remind him of his humanity while Autumn does its best to strip that away from him. I feel for him, I do? but I secretly like this time of year. This is when I fell in love with the monster who is also a man. He shines so brightly that I can?t look away, like moth to flame.

We?ll face the season together, side by side. Both man, both monster. Hunters. Predators. Equals.

Canaan

Date: 2016-09-19 14:28 EST
Thursday. August 15, 2016


Text from Eden (9:02 am): Hi I am home I have the tent it was perfect thank you very much where can I bring it

Eden had yet to realize the punctuation on her phone could be used for something other than emoticons. After some back and forth texting, Cane offered to pick it up at her apartment in Old Market so she didn?t have to go all the way out to his place in Seaside again after she got done with work.

He parked his Jeep right out front along the curb and took a look around. It wasn't the best neighborhood.

It wasn't WestEnd bad, but it wasn't good either. It had an old city feel to it, like the old Cheapside of London, or the Lower East side of Manhattan. Brownstones were smushed together, shoulder to shoulder on her block, the already narrow buildings broken up inside into multiple apartment units so that people seemed to be living right on top of each other. The small street appeared to be in the shade all the time, making it ideal for drug dealers and muggers to hang out in the shadowy basement stairwells. A handful of laborers were celebrating the end of their workday by loitering on the front steps of one of the brownstones, smoking weed and drinking from oversized bottles of ale in their shirtsleeves. A couple was having a loud argument in front of the corner bodega.

There was no one lingering on the crumbling front steps of Eden's apartment building. The iron rails on the right side were rusted and broken, but the left side was intact.

It was amazing what a difference of a few city blocks could look like. Main Street in Old Market was a lot better off than this little section of town, a fact that did not escape Cane as he climbed out of the vehicle.

He glanced in the direction of the bodega from where the voices of the arguing couple were coming from while mounting the front steps to the apartment building. After punching the buzzer for Eden's apartment once and not hearing anything, he tried again. Then he tried to open the front door. At least it was locked, but that didn't do him any good here.

Canaan dug his horrifically bedazzled phone out of his pocket and shot a text to Eden letting her know he was out front. Then he waited, entertaining himself by listening to the ongoing domestic dispute that was getting louder by the minute.

Text from Eden (5:49 pm): hi I see you I am waving

He looked up to find her waving down at him from a window one flight up. As soon as he waved back, she disappeared from the window and there was the sound of her footsteps on the stairs when she came to the door. It swung open less than half a minute later.

"Hi!" She waved him inside. "Come on in!"

"Hey, you," the Cajun greeted cheerfully when she opened the door.

He moved forward to catch the door, easing it shut behind him and making sure it locked once he was inside. As he passed her by, he caught the scents of sunscreen and salt, as well as some lingering traces of campfire smoke in her hair. It prompted him to inquire about her trip.

"Have a nice vacation? Camping on the beach is fun, eh?"

"It is really fun!" Eden cast that bright smile of hers over her shoulder at him, then bounded up one flight of stairs to the second floor. "A little sandy though."

She'd left the whole series of her front door locks open to let him inside her apartment. The crowding of the place was immediately apparent. Guests stepped right into the living room area, half of which was crowded by two bicycles, a loveseat couch and a coffee table. A kitchenette was crammed into a corner and a table with enough room for three people to sit was against the window. In one direction was the front bedroom and in the other was the back. A free standing clothes rack stood right there in the living room where four women had their winter gear stored out in the open for lack of any closet space. But despite the crowding, the apartment was clean and orderly and smelled freshly aired out.

"The tent was perfect! You can sit down if you like and I'll go get it real quick!" She gestured him towards the couch or the kitchen. From the sounds of it, there was only one other person in the apartment right now, making use of a hairdryer in the bathroom.

"Sure thing." The Cajun's reply was an easy thing, just like his smile. While Eden bounded away, he stepped into the small dining area and pulled out a chair, spinning it away from the table to face the rest of the room and had a seat. He took his hat off, curling the brim just to have something to do with his hands while he waited.

Eden really was just a brief moment in the back bedroom; he didn't have to wait long. She returned carrying his tent, all neatly packed up the way she had received it. "Look, it's not even pink!" Eden appeared quite proud of that since there was always a risk that she would accidentally turn things in her possession pink.

"Heyyy, yer right! Not that I would have particularly minded if it had come back pink. I could rock a pink tent." Cane smirked, resituating the ballcap backwards on his head. Once he got it in place, he stood up and reached for the small tent to relieve her of having to hold onto it.

"Thank you for lending it to me! Cory and I had fun."

"Anytime. Like I said before, it doesn't see much use. Let me know if ya ever wanna borrow it again." Cane glanced toward the door, not wanting to be rude by lingering longer than he should, but the cramped quarters of the living space dragged his attention from the exit, and after looking around the room again, he cleared his throat.

"Say, listen. There was something else I wanted to talk to you about." His eyes flickered in the direction of the bathroom where the hairdryer was still whirring. When he spoke again, his voice was noticeably softer. "Were you still thinking about maybe gettin' yer own place?"

Eden?s eyes brightened, but then almost immediately dimmed again. "I was!" She leaned back on the kitchen counter facing him and half-pouted. "But now that I'm starting school, I don't think it's gonna be in my budget anymore. I mean, I saved up a deposit and everything, but I gotta cut back my hours at the gym soon."

Cane set the tent on the table, then pulled a piece of paper out of thin air. He tugged a pen out from behind his ear where there hadn't been one a moment ago and then bent to scrawl something on the slip.

"I brought that up with Sal a few weeks ago. It sparked a discussion about an apartment we own over on Main Street. We decided to list it for rent, but wanted to offer you the chance to rent it first before we put it on the market." By that point he'd finished writing and had already stowed the pen behind his ear and folded up the piece of paper, which was then held up, pinched between his fore and middle fingers. "If you want, we can go take a look at the place right now. If it's something yer interested in, then you can tell me what you can afford. I put what we're willing to accept on this paper so you know I'm not playing favorites." He smiled at her, pocketing the paper. "What'd'ya say?"

Eden blinked a few times. "You have an apartment for rent? And I can maybe rent it?" She nodded eagerly, straightening up from her lean. "I'd love to see it!"

The girl's eagerness was just so damn adorable, he couldn't help but smile like a dope at her. Cane was trying to be clever and keep from wounding her pride, but was starting to wonder if perhaps he was being overly cautious. In any case, she'd agreed to come see the place.

"Great! Come on, it's jes' a quick drive." The Cajun scooped the tent off the table and beckoned her to follow him toward the door and ultimately down to his Jeep.

"Okay!" Eden bounced up to follow after him. She shut the door behind herself and then there was about a minute's worth of her putting all the locks in place. Her keys were pretty big and bulky, but once she put them in the pocket of her jeans they seemed to disappear. She bounced after him down the stairs, ponytail swinging.

"So you guys have a lot of places right? And this is one you don't need right now?"

"A few," Cane amended, chuckling.

Out front, he tossed the tent into the back of the Jeep and opened Eden's door, then grabbed the roll bar and launched himself over the passenger seat and into the driver's. "This was the first place we got as a couple; but we've got a cabin now and we're about to start workin on another place -- it's becoming something of a hobby, I think."

"Is the cabin the beach house? Or a different place?" Eden appeared to be trying to follow, her brow furrowed. She buckled her seatbelt and broke into a smile as Cane tore away from the curb. "Cory just got a new place near the dueling complex. It's Addie's old apartment. I'm making him curtains."

Cane smiled, listening to her talk about Cory, then backtracked to answer her question. "No, the cabin is... is far away from here. The beach house is my place. Sal's got a place of his own, too." He gave a small shrug. "I guess it's how we maintain some level of individuality. We're still separate, whole people, despite the way we seem to get lumped together as a single entity by others just because we're dating."

Cane drove them into the heart of Old Market, toward the Teas?n Tomes. "Should I know who Cory is? The name doesn't ring a bell."

"Remember that night in the Inn? He's the one who asked me out on a date. We're dating." Eden smiled over at Cane. "He came camping with me." She answered his question without missing a beat, but she was thinking about what he said about he and Sal maintaining separate identities. Whether they liked it or not, they were something of a role model for Eden of what an adult relationship looked like. After her parents, of course.

They passed the infamous tea shop and the neighboring Matadero Carniceria. Cane turned the corner and parked the Jeep behind the butcher shop in one of the designated resident parking spaces. He paused with his hands on the keys, trying to dredge up the face to put with a name. "I vaguely remember that, yeah. Asked you to a concert, right?" Eden nodded and Cane grinned at her before cutting the engine.

They both exited the vehicle and made their way through the rear entrance of the building. Cane gave the door a light push so that it opened wide and motioned for Eden to enter first.

The hall was lit by a dim, overhead light. Directly ahead was a flight of stairs and a locked door off to the right side that lead into the back office of the Carniceria storefront. Gesturing for Eden to take the stairs first, Cane closed the door and locked it, palming the key ring as he followed the woman up the steps.

At the top of the landing, the shallow foyer branched off in two directions with a door at either end. ?There?re two apartments,? Cane explained. ?That one,? he said while pointing to the left, ?belongs to Hank and his son, Hank Jr.? He crossed over to the door on the right and unlocked it. ?They run the shop downstairs and keep an eye on the place when Sal an? I aren?t here.?

The shades were drawn inside, covering the windows next to the front door, and as soon as they moved into the apartment, he raised them to let in the dying, evening light. The entire left wall was exposed brick, painted white, just like almost every other wall in the tiny apartment, and they all shone brightly in the sunlight that poured in from the windows.

?Actually,? Cane amended, ?those aren?t their names. It?s Boscoe and Lyle, but Sal?s **** with names and Hank seemed to stick. They?d probably get a kick out of it if you called them that, too.? He chuckled, reaching past Eden once she was inside to shut the door.

Eden?s bouncing settled into a muted up-step, and then settled even further into near stillness as she looked around the beautiful apartment. She was like a child in a fancy department store, overly afraid of knocking something over and getting in trouble so standing very still and walking very deliberately. Her dark eyes were wide as she took it all in, but there was also a hint of skepticism there.

"Does it come like this or...? I mean, are you going to take your stuff out?" It was literally the biggest TV she had ever seen. Though, to be fair, she hadn't seen many TVs.

At a whopping four hundred and thirty square feet, the apartment was fairly small. Cozy, Cane liked to call it. A couple long strides in any direction would have you hitting a wall. The small living room boasted a long, squat console to hold that fancy TV she'd pointed out. A small, square, glass top coffee table sat over a striped area rug, surrounded by the modular seating of a sectional couch split into three pieces.

"It comes with everything ya see. There are, of course, certain stipulations -- like ya couldn't just get rid of what's here. Ya dig?" Cane chuckled and leaned against the wall next to the door. "Go on, go take a look around."

The living room was distinct from the bedroom by a wall of sliding glass panels that separated the two spaces, but offered no privacy. It housed a low, platform bed and a small desk area, above which was some storage. On the opposite wall was a closet and a full length mirror. The bed was made with what looked like brand new linens, a simple gray colored comforter with white sheets and a few pillows.

To the right was the designated kitchen space, with enough room for a two-person table and that was it. The kitchen could hold what was necessary for two and no more. It had the essentials: a sink, two burners and a small oven, a little bit of counter space above an apartment sized refrigerator. Dishes were stored on open shelves mounted on the exposed brick.

A built-in bookcase flanked one side of a small hallway that was lined with slate black tiles, as opposed to the ash blond wood floors that were throughout the rest of the apartment, which carried into the full bathroom. Another linen closet for extra storage was located across from the bathroom.

"It's so big!" Eden exclaimed. No, she wasn't crazy; it?s just that she had literally never lived alone before. Never even had her own room before. To her, this tiny apartment was a palace for a single person. At first she seemed hesitant to touch anything but once she saw it was alright, she touched everything. She opened every drawer and each closet door, looking into the space, the little ways the apartment made the most of its small space, which made the exploration of it take a heck of a lot longer than it probably should have given the size of it.

She wandered to the bathroom, eyes wide again. "Cane, there's a bathtub!" Her voice practically squeaked with excitement, echoing off the walls in such close quarters.

While Eden explored, Cane watched her in silence, looking every bit as satisfied as she was excited. When she came out of the bathroom, he was standing by the little kitchen table. She leaned to check out the view from the windows.

"Could I bring in some plants? I like plants."

"You know, it's funny you should say that. You're more'n welcome ta bring plants with ya. But I've got something else ta show you." He waved her further into the kitchen with him.

They had to climb through the kitchen window to get out onto the iron fire escape that led up to the roof. One end contained the vents for the heating and cooling units; a bit of an eyesore, but at least they were quiet. Toward the front of the building, there was plenty of room to have a small gathering of friends -- having more than two or three people in the apartment itself would begin to feel cramped.

?Sal an? I never really got around ta fixin? this place up. We just brought a pile of blankets with us when we wanted to sleep under the stars.? The Cajun smiled, seeming to get lost in thought and memory for a moment. Then he shook his head free of the spell and beckoned Eden to follow him toward the far end of the roof.

?Speaking of Sal,? he went on. ?Long before we decided to rent this place out, he started building these. For you.? Canaan gestured to the cold frame planter houses that lined the entire front of the roof. ?He even filled them with plants from his own gardens.?

Stooping down, he grabbed the corner of a lid and lifted it open to reveal a few rows of still-growing heads of lettuce. ?These?re like little greenhouses. They?ll keep everything safe through even the winter, so you can have fresh fruits an? veggies. I told you before that he?s an amazing chef, so when he heard that you?ve been practically living on ramen, he wanted to fix that.? Chuckling, Cane closed the lid and gestured to the other boxes. ?They?re full of all sorts of things. That tall one on the end there has tomatoes.?

Eden looked at the planters. Then at Cane. Then at the planters again. "Sal made these. For me?" It was like a computer that could not compute. She blinked at Cane, watching him, standing entirely still, arms limp at her sides, just standing there, trying to understand what was happening.

Sensing he might have finally crossed the line and made her feel self conscious, Cane cleared his throat. "I'm a grown man with a ravenous appetite," he teased, trying to lighten the burden of information. "I take food very seriously." He winked at her, hoping she'd crack a smile and forget about the spotlight he'd also inadvertently placed on Salvador. The Spaniard didn't like attention, and would hardly appreciate it if Cane had, without thinking, made him look like a nice guy. "I like ta garden, believe it or not. Keeps my hands busy."

"Oh." She almost breathed out a sigh of relief.

As much as Sal wasn't too fond of the spotlight being on him, Eden couldn't bear the idea of someone doing something so monumental for her. The tease made it seem like maybe Sal had done it for Cane, which made much more sense to her, and she giggled a nervous giggle, then smiled and nodded. "I like to garden too! I've never seen planters like these, but they look great!"

Cane stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked around the roof for a moment, then back to Eden. "So are ya interested?"

Eden nodded immediately, but then she smiled wryly and lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. "I think it might be a little too nice though. I don't think I could afford it without a roommate." And it was obviously too small for a roommate who you weren't intimately involved with. "It was nice of you to think of me!" She smiled, struggling to hide her disappointment.

The Cajun narrowed his eyes and gave a minute shake of the head. "Nuh-uh. Slow yer roll there, cher. Remember this?" He withdrew the slip of paper from his pocket and held it up, still folded, untampered with. "Try me. What can your budget afford?"

"Umm." Eden looked past him at the planters, then the view, then down at her feet as if she could see the apartment below. She was tempted to up the number with the hope of coming near enough to what was written on that paper that they might be willing to give it to her for at least a little while. But when it came to money, Eden didn't mess around. She had things she needed to pay for---magic school, a roundtrip ticket to visit home---these were important things. And on top of that, she really wanted to pay her family back for the money they had given her just to get here. They'd worked an entire year for that. She owed them.

She bounced from foot to foot, then quietly told him the number she could pay, almost embarrassed to say it aloud. No one liked feeling poor, but it was good money, decent money---money she worked hard for. Maybe it wouldn't get her a place this nice, but it might get her somewhere.

Taking a step closer, Cane held the piece of paper out for Eden to take. She did so and opened it up.

Eden gasped, mouth open, staring at the number. It matched the one she had just said. She closed the paper, then opened it again. "Ohmygod! Ohmygod!" The girl jumped up and down once, then looked up at Cane. "Ohmygod, are you sure!?"

Canaan lived for moments like this. He was a coin with two sides; one he kept secret, showing only to those closest to him, the other side was often just as much a surprise to those who experienced its face. Making others happy made him happy. Eden's arrant surprise and unadulterated joy made his heart swell with delight. The smile he wore was a rare thing, not the usual, charming display that he flashed to get his way or the sharp, fish hook lure that made him look dangerous and inviting all at once. This was something truly real, something honest, and earnest to boot.

Utterly pleased with her reaction, Cane nodded slowly. "Yep. We're sure." There was a short pause, and then he asked, "Does that mean you'll take it?"

"Yes!" Eden jumped up and down a whole bunch of times now. "Yes, yes, yes!" She giggled, then clapped her hands, still holding onto the paper like it was something precious. Then suddenly, she stopped the bouncing to peer up at him. "Wait, wait. I won't be able to take it until October, ?cause I have to give notice to my roommates, is that still okay?"

"Of course," he assured her, nodding again. Cane gestured toward the fire escape and huffed a quiet breath of a laugh. "Let's go back inside an' we can discuss the particulars. Have you eaten yet? If you've got time, I'll pay fer dinner while we talk."

"Okay! Yes, please! Thank you so much! Ohmygod!" She was going to have some trouble stopping bouncing for a little while, but she still managed to make her way safely down the fire escape to descend into the apartment. "I'm so excited! I've never lived by myself before! Ohmygod! I can't believe I get to live here!"

"I can't think of a better tenant," Cane said. Seriously, the girl was going to kill him with the overload of cute. He had half a mind to tell her, but there was no woman on the planet who liked hearing from a guy that she was cute, even if she wasn't interested in said guy. He kept his thoughts to himself and just smiled at her.

Cane made sure to close up the window, pull the blinds, and lock the door behind them when they left. The echo of Eden's joyous mantra -- 'ohmygod' -- made Cane laugh as they made their way back downstairs. She'd managed to put a smile on his face that was sure to last him throughout the night.

Canaan

Date: 2016-09-20 18:46 EST
Tuesday. September 20, 2016



?Cane.?

?Sal.?

?Will you help me with something??

?Of course, amant. Anything.?

-----

?Bourbon.?

The bartender nodded, filling a lowball as I slid a twenty across the counter. I have expensive tastes. Truth be told, I was itching for a cigarette, but that would have involved leaving the club to go outside and I didn?t want to do that. Halfway through my drink, a young twenty-something slipped into the empty space between myself and the next stool over.

He raised his eyebrows at my glass, then looked me in the eye. A second later, his attention turned to the dance floor where a sea of men moved in time to the thumpa-thumpa of music pulsing from the speakers.

?What was wrong with that one?? He asked.

I just stared at him. ?Come again??

The man?s eyes slid back to my face and a sly smile spread across his own. I could see the innuendo illuminate his expression, but he didn?t make a joke. Instead, he tossed his head, which was covered in a mess of dark curls, toward the man I?d spent the better part of the evening attempting to pick up. ?Him. He did something wrong; I?d like to know what that is.?

This piqued my curiosity; I?m a watcher, too. ?Oh yeah?? I wasn?t going to make it easy on him. Besides, I was still annoyed that my time had been thus far wasted. I?d wasted a lot of time over the last week attempting to find a suitable guy with which to have a little fun. ?And why?s that??

?So I don?t make the same mistake he did.? He inched a little closer, pressing his leg against mine, then resumed his study of the dance floor. ?I?ve seen you in here cruising a few times. Seen you a couple other places, too.?

This wasn?t particularly alarming; I?d gotten around when I first came to Rhydin. Not to mention I maintain a fairly public position as a dueling official. Being a member of the undefeated Deathcake team had brought with it quite a large amount of publicity as well. Still, I felt like messing with him.

?What is it with the people around here who think stalking is sexy?? Instantaneous reaction. His eyes widened, snapping back to my face, mouth opening to protest. I stopped him before he could get a word out. ?I?m kidding,? I said, chuckling.

?Good,? he sputtered, thrown off his game. ?Because I?m not, I just--? Words failed him.

****. He was cute when he was flustered. I decided to throw the guy a lifeline. ?So where else have ya seen me??

There was a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes, but he pushed past it, rerooting himself in the confidence he?d started with. ?Master?s. And Maelstrom, too.? Pausing to bite his lip, the man seemed to struggle with himself for a moment or two before adding, ?You?re hard to miss.?

?Apparently.?

?So what is it?? He pressed.

I let him hang a little, taking my time to think while sipping my drink and checking him out. He was good-looking--hands down--with rich, brown skin and even darker brown eyes, a prominent nose and full, plump lips that were parted for a soft smile. He was shorter than me by a few inches, even with the crown of dark hair that I couldn?t help but notice would be great to get my hands in. The guy?s choice in men was obviously fantastic, but I couldn?t say the same for his taste in music. My eyes lingered on the TRASH band tee he was sporting, and I had to force myself to ignore it in favor of imagining the body underneath. He was in great shape, his narrow frame sculpted with hard, lean muscle.

I?d do him; but more importantly: Mystery Man was Sal?s type, too.

Draining the last of my bourbon, I set the glass down and folded my arms on the bar top. ?The trouble comes when I mention my boyfriend.? We locked eyes. I held my breath while waiting for his response.

He laughed incredulously, breaking eye contact with me to glance in the direction of the guy who?d struck out. When our eyes met once more, he asked, ?What, they?re not into threesomes??

Gorgeous and not immediately assuming I?m looking to cheat? It was a bit of a surprise after my run of bad luck. Part of me wanted to invite him home with me right then and there. Unfortunately, there was one pesky little detail that couldn?t be ignored.

I smiled at him, transitioning from guarded body language to something far more inviting. The stool creaked beneath me as I turned to face him. He drifted closer, filling the empty space between my knees. ?No, see, they went wrong when they implied they?d be willing to stay a secret.?

?I?m Matt,? he said confidently, settling his hand on my thigh. ?And I?m not looking to be anyone?s secret.?

?Matt,? I echoed back. Reaching out, I caught him by the hip and tugged him even closer, nice and snug between my legs. Our cheeks brushed together as I tipped my mouth up against his ear. ?And what exactly are you lookin? for??

I listened as Matt?s heartbeat tripped, picking up speed. ?Some fun,? he said breathlessly.

Smirking, I pulled in a deep breath from right off his skin. Human. The last piece of the trifecta. I leaned back to give him my most winsome smile and decided, finally, to introduce myself.

?I?m Cane. Ya wanna dance??

-----

Here's to being human
Taking it for granted
The highs and lows of living
To getting second chances

Canaan

Date: 2016-10-08 10:58 EST
October 2016


It's hard to pretend I can't hear him puking his guts out in the next room. The toilet flushes. There are dark circles under his eyes. His skin?s pale, clammy, even colder than usual. He lies down beside me, curled into a ball, puts his head on my lap. We say nothing. I comb my fingers through his hair, crank up the heat. He shivers, sighs, stares out the windows.

-----

Morning comes. He?s gone. He waited until I fell asleep to leave; I can't even say when that was. The spot on the couch beside me is too warm. The sun?s already washed away his presence. I rub my eyes and check the time on my phone. We would have already gone running by now, had breakfast, showered. I think about texting him, but then I see his phone on the coffee table. Right where he left it. I get up and go about my day, trying not to worry.

-----

Mesteno asks where he is and I can?t give him an answer. Last year, Sal was gone for days doing god knows what and where. I thought we?d avoided that by tackling the season head on like we did. This is my fault. I never should have suggested we leave the realm. When I think about the sort of damage I might have done?

-----

It?s midnight. Happy Birthday, Jeremy. Twenty years today. I miss you; even now.

-----

I fell asleep in my clothes; a lame attempt to stay up waiting for him. Usually I'm a heavy sleeper, but my subconscious must be keyed to him somehow by now. I see the glow of the clock first. It's almost 3 am. My eyes are then drawn to the foot of the bed. There he is, curled up on his side, staring at me. I can't quite find him in his eyes. A blank wildness has taken hold, but he's in there; I know it. I crawl down to the end of the bed and curl up beside him, nose to nose. He blinks, slowly. I smile and blink back at him, tuck my arm around him. It doesn?t matter that he doesn?t reciprocate. At least he?s here.

-----

When I wake up in the morning he's gone again. I drown myself in distraction. Distraction from the worry, distraction from the memories, distraction from the pain. I hate that I need distraction to stay happy. I thought I was doing better. I thought I was moving past this, but I guess I was only fooling myself. Maybe I?m all right with that.

-----

I awaken to the smell of wet dirt tonight. His clothes are damp, and I taste blood when I kiss his lips. They?re like ice. He doesn?t kiss me back. When I get out of bed to find another blanket, I think he reaches for me, but his eyes make me wonder. I still don?t see him there; he?s still lost in his head. I wish there was a way I could go in there and find him. Since that?s not possible, I do the only thing I can do: I wrap him in the blanket from his mother and press another kiss against unresponsive lips. I touch my forehead to his and tell him, ?Est?s a salvo conmigo, mi vida.? He says nothing, but I feel the slow brush of his eyelashes against my cheek as they close. The neon glow of the alarm clock on the nightstand reads four and some change.

In the morning, he?s gone again.

-----

It goes like this for the rest of the week. Every night I find him a little bit filthier than the last. Dirt, grime, blood. Under his nails and in his hair. I have to cut him out of these clothes when he finally lets me coax him into the shower, the one morning I find he?s stayed. The water runs black and red. An hour of gently scrubbing goes by before it runs clear again. He doesn't move, stands patiently, stares blankly through the wall. I walk him back to the bed, settle him in and lie with him for a while.

?Do you want to sleep, amant?? I whisper in his ear. He doesn't respond at first. I comb my fingers through his damp hair and wait. He's in there somewhere. The words will reach him eventually. When they do, he nods. It's such a subtle gesture, nearly imperceptible. But I know him, know what he needs, even if he can't find his voice to tell me.

When at last he does speak, he whispers, ?I?m sorry.? I remind him that we don?t apologize for being who we are. I swipe the tear off his cheek with the pad of my thumb and say nothing about it. I pretend not to hear him sniffle when we kiss.

___________________
(Co-written with my genius partner in crime, Delahada.)

Canaan

Date: 2016-11-02 21:52 EST
Saturday. November 2, 2016


Eden opened her arms as he neared and tipped her head. ?Hug?? Although she was smiling and bouncing as always, something in her eyes made it seem like maybe she needed it.

A tactile creature through and through, Cane was more than happy to comply. He was the sort of man to be generous with his physical affection, so when Eden requested a hug, he wasted no time in closing the distance left between them.

"What's goin' on, cher?"

With her head tucked against his shoulder, she drew in a breath of his scent before gently releasing him, her smile bright. "Did I tell you I heard from my family?" Eden fished her cell phone out of her shoulder bag and started swiping away. "You want to see pictures?!"

"Of course, cher." Cane took a step to one side, angling himself alongside Eden as opposed to facing her, head tipped to better see the screen of her phone. He crossed his arms loosely over his chest. "There's nothin' better than hearin' from home."

"I knew nothing bad had happened, but it was hard not hearing from them." She started flipping through the photos--stills from the video messages they sent her--narrating as she did so. "That's my brothers Robin and Sawyer. That's Max. That's Shep and Lock." She smiled as she said every name. "Oh, that's mom and dad." And then finally the last photo, the last brother. "And that's Cress."

Aside from the casually defensive stance, there was nothing about the Cajun's demeanor that suggested anything other than polite, genuine interest in Eden's family pictures. He listened to each of their names, trying to memorize each face so that he'd remember what they looked like when she inevitably spoke about them in the future.

"I can see where ya got yer cheery disposition." Cane's smile brightened some itself, and he shifted his weight from one leg to the other, giving Eden a bit more space now that they'd cycled through the pictures. "I'm from a pretty big family myself, so I know how hard it must'a been ta go so long without contact."

Eden's smile was all pride as she put away the cell phone, nodding. "I missed them a lot." She glanced at him, then hastily added, "I still miss them! But it's easier now. I get my messages from them once a week."

-----

Canaan stood in front of the bureau in his bedroom, listening to the shower run in the background while he looked at the only ?photo? of Jeremy he possessed. The paper was worn, its corners curled, the graphite smudged from being touched a hundred thousand times over the last two years. It lay among a pile of his most treasured belongings: paper origami flowers, a long feather, a handful of bottle caps, a round river stone, a pair of hand carved wooden figurines of a bat and a dog.

A ball of emotion swelled in his chest making it difficult to breathe. He reached out to pick up the little replica of Jeremy?s dog, Fawn, and fingered it gently. He didn?t miss the animal, but he missed all the memories that were associated with her. Missing Jeremy didn?t really overwhelm him anymore, but sometimes he?d get hit with the loss all over again from out of nowhere.

Cane cleared his throat and set the figure down, then proceeded to take off all but one of his bracelets. They joined the pile of treasures, which shared the dresser with a couple framed photos. These caught his eye as he turned to take off his shirt. A snapshot of Salvador learning how to bowl. Aoife on the beach. His own cheesy smile sandwiched between Skid and Sabine. There were other pictures on the nightstand, too, and even more in the great room lining the shelves, the walls, the mantle.

He had something of an obsession with picture-taking. Salvador indulged him patiently, understandingly, never saying a word about how frequently he pulled out his phone to capture the moment. The manic preoccupation with documenting everything stemmed from his lack of having anything from the life he left behind. Not only had he lost everyone he loved, but there weren?t even any pictures by which to remember them. Sal knew that. In fact, he?d never even needed to be told, and for that Cane was grateful.

What he wouldn?t give to have just a few pictures of everything he?d left behind.

Cane finished getting undressed and joined Sal in the shower. The Spaniard slipped his arms around his waist and dragged him under the showerhead.

?Did you get yer challenge ironed out with Claire??

Sal nodded, sliding his fingers down the wet scales along Cane?s spine. ?The twelfth at nine.? He squinted through the spray of water at the Cajun?s face. ?Aric respond yet??

?Nah. But he?s got a week yet. Right??

Sal nodded again, lowering his chin to tuck his face against Cane?s neck.

?Will ya come with me ta New Orleans? There?s something I wanna do.?

?Of course, amante.?

________________
((Partially adapted from a scene with Eden, of course.))

Canaan

Date: 2016-11-30 16:16 EST
Sunday. November 27, 2016


?Have you looked at the pictures I brought back from New Orleans?? Cane?s eyes swung to the nightstand where there sat an unassuming, tattered shoebox.

?No.? Salvador, sprawled out across the bed with his head in Cane?s lap, tipped his head to follow the Cajun?s gaze. He could just see part of the box, but this angle was dizzying so he readjusted to look back up at Cane?s bearded chin instead.

Canaan dragged the box onto the bed beside his leg and flipped the lid open. Sal shifted off his lap and scooted around to sit on his other side, likewise supported by the headboard. The box was filled mostly with trinkets and other random mementos, but he skipped over those in favor of withdrawing an envelope that was yellowed with age. He pulled the small stack of photos out and tilted himself toward Sal so their shoulders were touching. The Spaniard leaned more heavily against him so he could see better over his shoulder, and leaned his head against Cane?s.

?Most of our stuff got lost in the fire. I was honestly a little surprised ta find Nash even had these.? Cane held up the first snapshot: a faded black and white of a woman helping a portly baby stand up on his own two legs. ?That?s me with my M?m?re. Don?t even think I?m a year old in this picture. She was around a lot when me an? Petra was babies.? He paused, smiling sadly. His thumb stroked the edge of the photo. ?Died when I was five.?

Quiet attentiveness was all Salvador offered. Though he was immensely curious, he silently listened to the Cajun reminisce. That curiosity moved him to slowly reach up and across to take the photo out of Cane?s hand. He?d never imagined the man as a baby. Might have found it hard to believe and needed to take a closer look.

Cane peeked aside at Salvador?s face for a moment, then turned his attention to the next picture. This one didn?t make him smile like the one of grandmother had. ?This is my mom, Carol. Ray?s holdin? Petra. Yes, my pants ?re hiked up over my belly button.? All right, so he couldn?t help but crack a smirk at that. Fashion was such a fickle thing. ?We managed ta look like a happy family most ?a the time.?

Salvador wasn?t sure how that was funny, because he didn?t know the history of fashion, or really have any understanding of fashion in general. He wore what he liked! What was comfortable. Hardly put any thought into what looked good on him, and yet somehow pulled it off. Still, Cane?s amusement made him smile, softly. Never mind that he didn?t understand why. Setting the first photo down on his lap, he reached to take the other one from Cane?s grasp so they could continue down memory lane.

?This one?s Petra?s birthday. I never got ta have a party like her, ?cause I was always actin? up. Gettin? in trouble.? Cane smirked again; the unusual punishment must not have affected him too much. ?Right after my mom took this picture, I blew out all her candles like the little jerk I was an? ran off ?fore Ray could catch me.?

As he took the next picture from Cane?s grasp, Salvador exhaled a short breath of amusement out his nose. Sort of like a laugh. He was smirking too. Fortunately, his imagination worked well enough to picture that. Must have gotten over the hurdle of struggling to picture Cane as a child. The pictures definitely helped.

?This was taken the year before Israel was born, I believe.? Canaan held up a picture of what appeared to be a community center with a pool. ?That?s me,? he explained, tapping the face of a boy in the corner. ?I remember it bein? empty some summers. Polio was a big issue when I was a kid. Lotta parents wouldn?t let their kids come ?cause nobody knew how or when it would hit.?

The furrow in Salvador?s brow marked his lack of understanding in that regard. Having lived his entire life in Rhydin, he didn?t know the history of deadly diseases from Earth. He figured out well enough through context that Polio was one, but having zero experience with illness himself he had trouble imagining such a scenario. He took that photo from the Cajun with a mental note to look it up later.

Cane canted his head, still looking at the picture that was now in Salvador?s hands. ?That was the last year I went there. Everything changed after Izzy was born an? Ray got locked up.? His brow furrowed for a moment as the memories came to the surface.

?What happened?? Curiosity loosened Sal?s tongue, and he asked without thinking. Surely there was a story here that a handful of photographs wasn?t going to tell.

The question made Cane bite his lip. ?My mom got with Ray ?cause it was hard ta raise two kids by herself, even with my grandma?s occasional help. I don?t think it was love that brought ?em together; it was necessity. After her mom died, Ray was all she had left. We barely had enough as it was. We?d ?a been destitute without him. I guess that was reason enough fer her ta overlook the way he treated us kids, an? her, too, sometimes.

?One night, we heard ?em get into it. He was drunk, as usual.? Canaan paused, eyebrows knitting together in concentration. ?I mostly jes? remember Petra cryin?. Ray was so goddamn loud, screamin? at my mom fer bein? a whore. I didn?t know why he was callin? her that. I heard him hit ?er an? somethin? snapped. I went out there, not even ten years old, like I was fixin? ta put a stop to it. But he pushed her down the stairs ?fore I could do anything. I didn?t even know she was pregnant. Apparently she?d been keepin? it from everyone, includin? Ray. Baby wasn?t his. She had Izzy the next mornin?, way too early fer a baby ta come, but he lived. My testimony an? mama?s bruises were enough ta get Ray finally locked up.?

While listening, a furrow etched deeply into Sal?s brow, and he frowned. At the end he was only nodding to acknowledge that he?d heard, fully. He had no comment on the matter that wasn?t clich?, so he kept his mouth shut.

?We never heard from ?im again. I got curious, though. Did a little diggin? an? learned he drank himself into an early grave jes? a couple years after my mom died. Good riddance.?

Salvador had nothing to say to that either. He?d gone a little introspective, though.

Eager to move on from the worst memories of his childhood, Cane fixed his attention on the next photograph of the bunch. ?Ah, here we go. Me with my first guitar. Took to it like a fish ta water. Music got me through lotsa rough times.?

Now this memory made Salvador smile again. When he took that photo from the Cajun?s grasp, he reshuffled the stack on his lap to put it with the first one, the baby picture. Possibly he was sorting them into his favorites.

?I wasn?t much of a looker ?til puberty hit me. But that guitar made me cool. I felt different with it in my hands. I wasn?t a delinquent or the bastard of a whore--the town?s words, not mine--I was jes? me. A boy who?d found somethin? worthwhile. A boy with talent. A boy who was gonna go places rather than end up in his step-daddy?s shoes.?

He passed the next photo to Salvador, who studied it intently with a furrow to his brow that slowly eased away. A soft smile settled on the Spaniard?s mouth after a moment. He?d aged quite a bit here. ?School dance.? In case that wasn?t clear. ?An? that pretty girl there is Sheila. I had the biggest crush on ?er.?

?Sheila,? Salvador repeated quietly. Just to secure the name in his memory. There was a fondness to his smile, just because, well, Cane was cute even in his imagination at a young age.

?I was a lot more inta her than she was inta me.? Cane chuckled. ?I?m sure her family discouraged gettin? on with a guy like me. It never really went anywhere. But I was over the moon fer her, even after she started goin? with another guy. Young love. What can ya do??

Salvador nodded a handful of times, and in sort of a mumble confessed, ?Sin was my first crush.? He exhaled a short breath through his nose, that sort of laugh, and twitched a short-lived smile of amusement at his own expense. ?I understand.? Because it had been sort of the same for him. He tucked that photograph under his two picked favorites.

Next in line was another group photo. This one made Sal smile when he looked at it, because it reminded him somewhat of the Burrow. Just, with more people. Cane smiled, too, because the memory of this trip was an important one in his mind.

?To get my mind off a broken heart, me an? some of the other guys took off into the woods fer a weekend. It was the first time I realized that I was inta guys, too. ?Course, I never got around ta doin? anything with one til I got with Henri, but? yeah. I fantasized about a friend?s brother a lot that summer.? Cane gave the picture of the dock gathering to Sal and held up the one that was beneath it. The Spaniard slipped the dock photo into the third favorite position without looking. His eyes were on the next picture.

?It was also the summer I turned into Casanova. Seems like it happened overnight. One minute, the only thing I had goin? for me was my guitar skills and the next?? He tapped the handsome, blond-haired teenager sprawled out in the back seat of a convertible, legs propped up against the door, stretching an arm out to caress the arm of a girl seated next to him. ?I don?t remember this one?s name, but she gave me my first blow job.?

That one got Salvador to chuckle, but then a moment of memory fail hit him. ?Huh. I don?t remember who blew me first.? And that was something.

?At least you can remember their names. My mind?s fuzzy when I try ta think this far back.?

?I remember names if they matter,? Sal amended. There were some people in his sexual history whose names he honestly did not recall. One night stands and the like.

Cane turned his head to look at Sal. He smiled, but didn?t say anything.The Spaniard took the picture of the quartet in the car out of Cane?s grasp and slipped it into the deck of favorites he was creating. Fourth or fifth position at this point.

The last photo showed three young adult men in work boots and coveralls. ?This is me at my first real job. Line-worker in a factory. Nash helped me get it to help my mom with the bills so we didn?t lose our house. She was pretty sick at this point an? couldn?t work the hours she used to.

?These guys,? Cane went on, gesturing to the two men seated beside him, ?were my best friends. James and Kenny. We all worked here fer a few years ?fore movin? on ta bigger things. They both left town. I stayed ?cause I had ta look after my siblings after my mom died.?

That expression on Salvador?s face was a touch of sadness on Cane?s behalf. Losing friends, let alone ?best friends,? was never fun no matter the circumstances. Even he knew that. He nodded a few times and reached to take that photo too, leaving Cane?s hands empty but for the envelope. He tucked the picture into the middle of the stack, which was now entirely out of chronological order. Instead of taking the envelope from the Cajun, he tucked the pictures into the pocket and closed the flap, finding a smile again, however soft. Memories were sacred things, and ultimately it was Cane?s decision what to do with them.

Cane rubbed a thumb across the envelope reverently, smiling faintly, then tucked it away in the shoebox beside him.

?Thank you for sharing them with me,? Salvador said quietly, after a moment. He liked it better when the Cajun shared willingly rather than accidentally gleaning things he shouldn?t. Though it had been a while since that had happened. The past two years, he?d adapted to Cane, and learned how to better control his abilities.

?I know it?s not healthy ta live in the past. I--?

Salvador scoffed. ?You?re not.? He shook his head. Nope. ?Remembering and living there?s not the same.?

A soft smile tugged at the corners of Cane?s mouth. ?I know. But it?s easy fer me ta get trapped there. I miss--? Momentarily choked up with emotion that had come out of nowhere, Cane paused to swallow down the lump in his throat.

Nodding, the Spaniard reached over to take Cane?s hand and brought it over to settle on the words tattooed on his right arm. ?I understand,? he said softly. Looking down, he paused to force Cane?s fingers to trace over three specific letters. ?I won?t let you get lost, mi ?gida. Just like you don?t let me get lost. I?ll bring you back to now whenever you need me to.?

Now. Cane smiled as Salvador moved his fingers over the word. ?Thanks.? It felt like such an inadequate expression. It was missing something more. He let his head tip to the side until it bumped up against Sal?s. ?This is where I want ta be.?

Those words painted quite a smile on Salvador?s mouth. He shut his eyes to let other sensations take control a moment. Let the swell of warmth, from love, flood through him. Then he lifted his hand off Cane?s and reached aside to sweep his fingers across the man?s beard. He gently nudged him to turn his head so that when he turned his own, too, their mouths could meet more easily for a tender kiss.

Reaching up, Cane hooked his fingers around Sal?s wrist and tugged it down to hold against the tattoo hidden beneath his shirt. The kiss, gentle though it was, left his heart pounding in his chest beneath the Spaniard?s palm. It felt like it would burst from his chest at any moment. It reminded him of a past conversation, and it made him exhale a sudden, breathy laugh upon pulling away.

Of course, that made Sal raise a brow and ask, ?What??

A sheepish expression crossed his face. ?I was rememberin? somethin? I said ta you a couple years ago.? A lengthy bout of silence stretched between them as he worked up the courage to mumble the words again. Salvador waited patiently, curiously.

?I wanna sit here in a month, a year, ten, and still be tryin? ta catch my breath.? Cane?s cheeks flushed beneath his beard. Sal smiled. ?Ten?s a nice thought. But right here, right now, yer still knockin? the wind outta me.?

Salvador simply stared with nothing short of adoration written pretty plainly on his face. His smile had yet to go anywhere. He studied the Cajun?s face, reminding himself of every little detail around the eyes and the mouth, and the beard, which he swept his thumb over. Goddamn did he love this man, and his beard. That was just an added bonus.

?Two,? the Spaniard said quietly, like a whispered revelation that had just hit him. His smile grew to show off more of his teeth, briefly. Then his lips closed over them because he leaned in to press another kiss on Cane?s mouth. ?I still like kissing you.? Also a whisper. That had been one of those things he?d confessed even before they?d officially gotten together and admitted having feelings. Kissing Cane was a drug he?d never quit. He did it again.

Cane went in for thirds, letting his mouth linger on Sal?s for a much longer duration than the first two had lasted. ?Damn right you do. I?m the best kisser there ever was.? A jocular boast to alleviate the overpowering swell of seriousness and emotion.

And it worked to make Sal chuckle. ?Te amo, mi tonto guapo.? Then he kissed the Cajun again, for good measure. This time, however, he forced himself to lean away afterward instead of lingering. He caught one of Cane?s hands, though, and held onto that. Gave it a squeeze.

?At least I?ve got the looks ta compensate fer my ridiculousness.? Cane chuckled, more audibly this time and quickly turned his hand over under Sal?s, lifting it up to press a chaste kiss against the back of the man?s hand.

That was one of those old world gestures that had a habit of making Salvador blush. He turned his head away when he smiled, hoping that the heat he felt in his cheeks wasn?t visible. A silent chuckle shook him as well, because goddamn if Cane didn?t amuse him with his ridiculousness.

The Cajun pretended he saw nothing and did not draw attention to Sal?s reddening cheeks, no matter how endearing he found it. ?Let?s go do somethin? reckless.?

It was just the sort of statement he needed to be spurred out of bed. Salvador turned back and leaned over to steal one more kiss off Cane?s mouth before saying, ?All right.? Then he crawled over him to get off the bed on that side, just to be annoying in his own way. Plus, the dresser was on that side wasn?t it? He needed to change clothes.

Cane didn?t move. He stayed right where he was to admire the view. Only when Salvador was fully dressed did he get off the bed to do the same.

____________
((Two years! Thanks for all the stories, Sal.))

Canaan

Date: 2016-12-12 18:25 EST
Monday. December 12, 2016

It was early afternoon. Cane lay with Salvador in the great room at Matadero, stretched out on the couch at an angle that gave them the best view of the twinkling pine tree they'd set up (for Sabine!) to one side of the piano.

"Yer jokin'," Cane said into the phone he had pressed to an ear. He glanced aside at Sal, who wasn't paying him any attention. "How many are there?" A short pause, and then, "Damn."

He sat up and continued to listen to the man on the other line. "Ya need me ta come over there? I could prolly get rid of 'em if they're bein' disruptive."

Something Vash said made Cane snort in amusement. "You what?!" The Cajun barked a laugh that had him nearly doubling over. "Serves 'em right." Then, "Yeah, whatever, man. Go fer it. Pretentious ass****'s." He shook his head, wiping tears out of his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Sure. Call me if it gets rowdy, brother."

Cane ended the call, tossing his phone on the coffee table and then resumed his comfortable sprawl with Salvador. "Big group 'a human protestors outside the shop today. Apparently they got somethin' against non-humans. So what's Vash doin' about it? He's chillin' as a dog today." He started to chuckle, shoulders shaking in poorly restrained mirth. "Took a piss on a few of the folks crowdin' the door. Said he's fixin' ta take a dump in the middle of the crowd if they don't leave soon."

After a moment, Cane added, "I'm pretty sure some 'a the drugs Aoife gives that man have scrambled his brain more'n it already was."

Canaan

Date: 2017-08-11 17:34 EST
Friday. August 11, 2017


?You doing alright?? Eva asked. ?Been a while.?
"I'm doin' all right,? Cane confirmed with a nod. ?Busy. Happy."

I?ve never been one for routine. Routines often have a way of becoming boring. Stagnant. Mundane. Complacency is dangerous when one?s life has the potential to be measured in millennia. I have no pattern, no procedure, but I do have you. There is always you and I would have it no other way.

I remember a time when I had nothing at all but the pain of loneliness to keep me company in the dark. How I hated that darkness and all it represented. I wore my despair on my sleeve instead of my heart for all to see. It kept so many people away; a bright, neon sign of warning to others that I was a disastrous mess. Damaged.

I think you collect broken things -- for we are all of us fractured in some way. It?s the fae in you. And it?s the man, too. Your capacity for love is endless. You ran your fingers over my cracks in relish and never once tried to fix me. If anything, you dug your hands into the hard clay of my body and, overlooking the savage shards of my misery that cut grooves into your skin, you tore me open, baring my soul to the light I was too blind to find on my own.

Suddenly I could breathe again. Everything you?ve done -- to me, for me, with me -- has made me come alive.

?A piece of you died when he did.?

I remember when you said those words. I laughed because they were only partly true. Part of me was dead, yes, but I wanted the rest of me to be as well. And then you happened. You saw me and still you loved me. You?ve shown me life, mi ?gida. These words are also yours to me, and now I?m giving them back. Live for me, you said, and I do. Every day. You are everything.

I live for myself now, too.

I wake up to your glorious face every morning and to the lingering scent of our sin on the sheets -- sometimes it?s the sea, or our nest of furs, sometimes it?s the sunlight pouring in through the windows above your bed. We drink our coffee on the porch in the nude. We run for miles along the beach. We spar in the meadow. We **** anywhere we damn well please.

I play music. You paint murals on the walls.

Our songbird brings us sunshine and the fruits of her labor, and they are good. Her skin smells like light. She comes and she goes, with stars in her pockets and flowers in her hair. Never stays in one place for very long. Untamed. Unkept. Recherch?.

Loving her has become a matter of course; effortless. I am at peace knowing she will be my undoing.

We run a business, she and I, along with Vash. And now we have the witchling, too. Mallory reminds me of myself in some ways. Headstrong and eager, she presses me for knowledge. A bottomless cup that is greedy to be filled. I find myself spending more and more time with her, guiding her on a path toward self-sufficiency. It?s fulfilling in a way I hadn?t expected to enjoy.

I?ve taught others, too, but Lirssa has been with me longest. I thought I would ruin her, but instead she?s become a capable, formidable woman before my very eyes. Her passion to make a difference in the world is unbelievable. Pouring her heart and soul into each of her endeavors, this girl surpasses every goal set before her. If only more people had her moxie. She astonishes me with her achievements and makes me proud.

Eden is another stray I?m proud to have helped along, albeit briefly. That girl?s joy is unmatched by anyone. She tackles life?s problems with a glowing optimism I could never manage. It?s so inspiring. She?s a girl who helps herself. That drive is exactly the reason I was drawn to her. I admit I?ve grown fond of her, of watching her grow and learn about herself. There was no one more deserving of our old apartment; she?s the perfect tenant. I find myself looking forward to the days I drop in to check on her because Eden?s joy is contagious and I?m left smiling for the rest of the day.

You have Matadero and the Carniceria. The city gives you her dead. I have Panacea. My students. I also have the gym. These jobs are our means to earn a living. Separate endeavors that keep us busy, keep us fed. The real fun is when we?re not working, when we?re out prowling the streets. With you, mi amor, there is never a shortage of trouble to find; the night is ours and so is the city. We hunt. We kill. We bathe in the blood of our prey and when we?ve had our fill, we race along the rooftops in pursuit of the coming dawn.

I love this life we?ve built for ourselves, one that flirts along the fringes of domesticity and yet avoids the insipid tedium of routine. We are two wild creatures who?ve found solace in one another from an endless existence in entropy.

I love you, savagely, untamed and full of teeth. I wish to always be where you are.

Busy. Happy.

Canaan

Date: 2017-11-28 10:07 EST
Monday. November 27, 2017


Not finding Salvador at any of our usual haunts, I try Matadero as a last resort. I can?t immediately recall the last time I set foot in this house; we?ve taken to cycling between the beach house, the burrow, and occasionally the boat as of late. And yet, stepping into the Spaniard?s domain somehow feels like coming home--though that has more to do with the man who lives here than the house itself.

I step out of my boots, leaving them in a heap by the door so I can prowl the premises in silence. Not that it does me much good. If he is home, I know Salvador will have sensed my presence the very moment I stepped foot on the property. And it is difficult to tell in a glance. None of the lights are on. No evidence of habitation is present in the kitchen, for my Spaniard does not eat normal food this time of year. The rooms are cool, but comfortable, carefully temperature controlled by unusual means.

Detouring by the piano on my way to the stairs, I play a few chords from my latest song, one I will play in its entirety for Sal in just a few short days to mark the anniversary of a love that feels as though it has existed for centuries. The urge to play it through is almost too strong to resist, but I manage. The pull to find my lover is stronger. That pull leads me to the staircase and up, up, up.

There are just as few signs of habitation in the bedroom as the rest of the house. Even without a maid, Salvador keeps his domain clean, a sure sign that he had never really needed one. The stairs do not even creak under my feet, nor do they when the Spaniard creeps up them behind me. He must have come down from the roof, unable to resist the pull of the piano being played. Chill fingers and cool breath tease along my spine, top and bottom.

Salvador says nothing, of course. He only slides up close to my back and puts his nose to my hair to breathe deep my scent. As his hands settle on my hips, he exhales contentment. Hello, says his sigh. I missed you, says the way his cold arms wind around my waist from behind.

?Amant,? I greet quietly. I close my eyes, holding still as Salvador gathers me up. There is nothing more comforting than to be in this man?s arms. ?It?s been a long time since we?ve said hello.? My mind wanders to the early months of our relationship, how terrible it was to be parted from one another and how beautiful our longing made each reunion. This time is no different. I feel as though I can stand here and just be with Salvador forever.

No handsomer statue could be made than the pair of us. Salvador lifts his chin and sets it against the crook of my neck. His nose grazes the skin there and he breathes in more of me. A satisfied hum of noise escapes him on the next exhale, his arms constricting as he presses a kiss to the side of my neck. He scrapes his cheek across my stubbled jaw, he then lifts one hand up to catch my chin on the other side and turns my head just so, to press a kiss on my mouth.

Who needs words?

But the kiss changes everything. I can?t just stand here any longer. I twist within the Spaniard?s grip so we are face to face, arms snaking around his shoulders and mouth closing over his for another kiss. My sweater catches the tips of a few spikes in the careless endeavor to fuse myself to him. ?I missed you.? The breathless confession is followed by the firm press of my forehead to Sal?s.

He stands with his eyes closed, content in our embrace, a few spikes twitching reflexively at the nearness of my fingertips. He is just as happy to stand here like this, thawing in the bubble of my warmth. And eventually it is enough to remind him he is in part human, and knows how to talk.

?I missed you too,? he says quietly, a murmur more than a whisper. His fingers pull down the length of my spine, exploring all over again all that he has memorized. His other arm locks tight around my waist, gripping a belt loop along my hip.

The ripples of Sal?s touch vibrate all across his skin, making it tingle delightfully, sending a shiver down my spine and goosebumps erupting all over my arms. It is in this exact moment that I truly, fully understand that nothing at all in the whole universe can detract from what I have with Sal. Nothing can touch this. I feel momentarily foolish for the months spent living in insecurity years ago.

?I should change. I probably smell like fae.?

?No.? Salvador is not protesting my desire to change clothes, only stating that I do not smell like fae. This is made clear by the way his grip loosens, hands sliding and falling to settle on my hips before lightly nudging me away.

?No?? I echo, sounding amused. I pull off my sweater on the way into the closet. ?You just want to look at my ass in these pants.?

?Always.? With a chuckle and wild grin, Salvador slowly sways and stalks after me, just to the archway where bedroom entered into closet and the bathroom beyond. He leans against the frame and shamelessly watches me undress.

The smile I wear is no less wild, and I am equally shameless in my shedding of clothes. ?Jewell told me she?s dying.? There would never have been a right moment for that kind of informational bomb, so I just toss it out there casually, like I am talking about the weather and not the life of someone I am growing to care more for with every passing day.

Apart from the way his expression shifts from lust to neutrality, Salvador expresses almost no reaction at all. Maybe it is my tone. Maybe he already knew. Somehow it isn?t the least bit surprising to learn this about the Empress.

?Kal stabbed her. With iron. ****ed up her heart. And you know what I did just a few minutes after she told me?? I step into a pair of sweatpants. Bare feet carry me over to stand before the Spaniard. ?I got caught up thinking about you. Something she said reminded me of something you said. Made me feel guilty a little, I think.? My face contorts under the weight of indecision.

Salvador watches me intently, studies me with a passive stoicism that might have been unnerving had I not known him as long as I have. Shifting out of his lean, he reaches to catch my hand by the fingertips and tugs me along with him to the bed. ?Tell me,? is all he says.

?I don?t know,? I begin once I climb onto the bed. ?I?m not sure there?s anything to tell. I just--? I stop abruptly, mild frustration crawling through my expression as I pitch myself into a sprawl across the middle of the mattress. ?I only want to make sure I?m doing this the right way.? A beat of silence, then: ?She?s telling me she?s hurting and I?m? I don?t know,? I repeat, shaking my head. I tip my face to look at him. ?Does that happen to you? Is that normal??

As I speak, Salvador crawls up the bed and over my legs, coming to a stop on his hands and knees looming over my exposed back. He shifts and eases to sit on my lower back and hips, resting his weight there while he lets his hands roam. Light sweeping touches at first, tracing the edges of scales, and progressing toward a kneading massage.

?Is it normal?? the Spaniard echoes, wondering himself with a shrug. ?I don?t know. Does it happen to me?? He nods a few times. ?Yes. All the time.?

I nod too. Despite the fact that my own experience made me feel guilty, Sal?s admission does not offend me. In fact, it makes me feel better. My body is a puddle of relaxation under his ministration, and now my heart does not feel like it is all knotted up anymore either. ?I like her,? I admit softly.

The circular kneading, upward and downward press of his hands does not hesitate at all. I know this is a confession he is completely comfortable hearing. He only nods a bit more to acknowledge that he hears me, and the vaguest smile touches upon his mouth.

?In the beginning, with you, ghosts of things Sin said to me came to mind,? he says. ?Things he said helped me figure you out better. And sometimes things you say come to me, when I?m with other people, too. It still happens. Do you think she?d be displeased to know you think of me when you?re with her? Do you think she only thinks of you??

?No, no.? I shake my head again. ?In fact I know. Kal hurt her. We?re all of us hurting in some way.? One shoulder lifts in a lazy shrug and I pillow my head against an arm. ?I guess when you put it that way, I was letting myself feel guilty for nothing. Loving you is part of me. I think about you all the time no matter who I?m with, lover or not.?

With a chuckle, he pushes his hands up to my shoulders for one more squeeze. He leans down to lie across my back and presses a kiss behind my ear. ?I?m sure there are times you don?t think of me, guapo.? Accusing me of flattery, perhaps. Sal doesn?t need such sappy sweet sentiments, though I know he enjoys them. His hands slide further across my arms to find my hands and grasp them, even adding an extra layer of cushion for my head. ?When you?re unconscious, perhaps,? he teases.

?I?ll have to work on that,? I say, chuckling softly. ?Teach my brain to dream only of you.? To rid myself of nightmares entirely? What a novel concept. ?Though, I?ll admit to losing myself entirely when my dick?s in someone?s mouth.?

?Ah, there. See?? Salvador presses his cheek to mine. I can?t see him smiling, but I can feel it.

A smile grows on my face, too. ?I only meant that? what I feel for you is always there. It doesn?t shut off when we?re not together.?

?No. I understand.? Of course he can relate. What he feels for me is always there too, no matter what. And so is what he feels for Sin, and Skid. The Spaniard closes his eyes and stretches his legs back along mine, getting comfortable on his own personal space heater.

?Te amo, mi vida.? My eyelids droop, then shut altogether. So what if I?ve spent most of the day in bed already? There is nothing else I want more than to simply lie with Salvador and bask in his love. Right here, right now.

?Y te amo, mi ?gida,? Salvador replies quietly.


((Written with Sal))

Canaan

Date: 2017-12-11 12:46 EST
Monday. December 11, 2017


Cane peered down at the foot of the bed where Salvador lay sprawled and nudged the man?s hand with a sock-clad foot. ?Do you want to talk??

?No.? Salvador turned his hand and reached to catch hold of the Cajun?s toe. ?You do.?

?No,? he argued lightly, letting Sal hold his foot captive for the time being. ?I just?? Cane sighed, closing his notebook and letting the pencil roll away to get lost in the sheets. ?Feel helpless.?

?I understand,? the Spaniard said quietly. With Cane?s foot in his grasp, he idly massaged a circle into the sole of his foot with his thumb, and he kept his gaze fixed on that task. ?You want to help, but you can?t. There?s nothing you can do. Which is frustrating. And it makes you angry. Locking that anger inside is the hardest part.?

--

What was he doing?

This wasn?t his fight. Nor was it his place. Salvador was right; he couldn?t help. Obsessing over it would only serve to make him feel all the more without control. The only part of Sin?s return that Cane could control was his own reaction to it, and being angry accomplished nothing whatsoever. Why lock it away? Why let it affect him at all? The sinner?s presence changed nothing. His life was full, and happy. He was content. And if Sal didn?t want to discuss the situation, then he would let it go.

Besides, there were other things going on that were more pressing than the return of family. But then, death always had a way of taking precedence. Cane?s thoughts drifted to Jewell, whom he?d asked selfishly for her patience so he could deal with? with what? An issue that wasn?t his to solve?

Cane set aside the time sheet he was supposed to be working on for his staff members and began drafting a short letter instead. With any luck, newfound resolve (and the giddy anticipation of reply) would enable him to focus on work after the message was sent.

Canaan

Date: 2017-12-20 14:27 EST
Wednesday. December 20, 2017


Since Sinjin?s return, I?ve found myself turning inward. Apart from my initial outburst, I?ve chosen reflection over reaction. There?s nothing quite like a healthy dose of self-examination to make you question everything.

I told him this was hard. But that isn?t true.

It hurts me to see Salvador in pain. It frustrates me to know that they don?t talk. I?m saddened knowing that Sin will likely leave again before anything has a chance to be resolved. I?m disappointed that the situation prevents me from being the kind of friend he wants--that I want. I can?t devote myself to someone who continues to wound my love, my life. Can?t, won?t? In this case they?re one and the same.

None of that makes this hard.

Loving Salvador is as effortless as breathing. That he and I both love others is not a hurdle or a stumbling block. More love does not make anything complicated, it simply makes things complex. There?s a subtle nuance of difference. The former carries a negative connotation, while the latter means ?many different and connected parts.?

I don?t think any one person can entirely satisfy the wants and needs of another. Why else would we seek even platonic friendships with others if we got everything we desired from a single being? Every person has something unique to bring to the table, something that makes them distinct from everyone else. We all seek singularity. So I?m not jealous of Sal?s other lovers, I?m grateful for the ways in which they bring to him different aspects of fulfillment and I appreciate that they each give him something I cannot provide.

I want this. I want this life. I love the amount of trust and freedom it creates, and the security I?ve found within it. It?s not for everyone; Sal told me that once, years ago, but I know this is right for me. This is where I belong.

And maybe this confirmation is the reason the sting of letting Jewell go is so sharp. I outgrew the desire for meaningless sex. I was with her because I saw things in her that made me want her as more than a body to warm my bed. I should have known better; it?s my fault for ignoring what she told me from the start. She doesn?t want attachments. She wants to feel vibrantly alive and desired as frequently as possible in the time she has left. I want the same for her. That has never bothered me.

What bothered me was Sin. She told me they?re sleeping together. Part of me wanted to ask her to stop, but that would have been hypocritical. Who the **** am I to request she deny herself the satisfaction of whatever happiness he brings her? Whether it?s fleeting or lasting, it makes no difference. It?s her decision. I won?t make her choose.

What she wants and what I want are different, and that?s okay. Knowingly opening another facet of myself to the whirlwind that is Sinjin is a complexity I?m not sure I have the grace to endure. All I?ve ever been witness to is the destruction he leaves behind. I won?t watch him hurt anyone else, myself included.

"You are helping."

Salvador?s words from nearly two years ago ring in my ears. I cling to them fiercely. Tomorrow is the solstice. I will be there when he sleeps and when he wakes. We will eat a meal we have been waiting for months to share. While I can?t help insofar as providing a literal, tangible solution, I can know that I am at least helping him by being myself and continuing to do as I have always done. That is enough.

Canaan

Date: 2018-01-02 20:34 EST
Sunday. December 31, 2017.


They both left their respective social engagements some time after midnight, but it was Salvador who arrived at Casa del Brujo first. This was where he expected his Cajun to be by the end of the night, and though he was perfectly capable of texting him ahead of time to warn him he would be home too, he neglected to do so. Instead he lit the fire and sprawled out in his chair. Once it was warm enough, he shed his coat and tossed it over the arm of the couch. He kept himself occupied while waiting by whittling absently at a hunk of wood from the basket stash that was always on hand. Wood shavings began to litter the floor at his feet.

Cane didn?t arrive home for another hour, which gave Salvador plenty of time to make a mess while breathing life into the little block of carved wood. The door opened unceremoniously, giving birth to an oblivious Cajun too wrapped up in his own thoughts to immediately realize he wasn?t alone. The flicker of the fire in the grate drew his eye, but his attention caught and held on the handsome figure draped over the armchair by the window.

?Hey.? Only the barest hint of surprise colored his tone. What melancholy Cane brought with him from the inn was shed by the door along with his boots and jacket, discarded in pursuit of claiming a kiss from his lover. He never touched Sal?s chair without invitation; he planted a hand on the man?s thigh while leaning down, bumping their foreheads together in affectionate silent greeting. The following kiss was short and sweet.

Salvador was smiling by the time their lips touched together, and the expression lingered after. He set aside his whittling knife and block of wood, reaching to snag the Cajun by the wrist and pull him down onto his lap. So what if Cane was avoiding touching the chair? This was permission. This was Salvador wanting to gather him up and hug him tight. He had missed his Cajun.

Happiness threaded through every fiber of his being as Cane settled onto Sal?s lap. The heat that poured from his skin was greater than that given off by the nearby fire. He wound his arms around the other man?s shoulders, burying his face into the crook of his neck to sit for a time, content, just holding one another. The seconds bled together, stretching out into long minutes before Cane finally raised his head.

His eyes searched Sal?s face, unable to smother the spark of hope inside him that was a result of his lover?s propitious bearing. ?Are you? okay??

?Yes,? the Spaniard answered directly. Cane?s responding sigh was one of relief. Salvador?s smile, though soft, still lingered and made his response more sincere. He wound his arms tightly around Cane?s waist, giving him a further reassuring squeeze. Unable to resist now that the Cajun was looking at him, Salvador stole another kiss, gently, off his lips. Then he asked, ?Are you??

?I think that answer depends on the subject.? He let out a breathy chuckle, slowly relaxing into a more comfortable sprawl across his lover and the chair. ?I?m frustrated with myself over something entirely unrelated.? Cane shrugged, affecting carelessness.

?Tell me about it anyway.? It was a light request, more of a suggestion than a command. If it was something that bothered the Cajun, Sal wanted to hear about it, because he knew talking about things helped his lover.

Cane hesitated, but only because he didn?t know how to start. His long walk home from the inn had done very little to shed any light on a solution, but that wasn?t much of a surprise since he couldn?t even properly pinpoint the reason for his problem in the first place. But Salvador was often wise beyond his years and had much to offer in the way of sensibility. A faint frown stole across the Cajun?s features as he recalled the evening?s events.

?I went to the inn,? he began, gaze dipping to the space between them. ?Jewell was there, and some others too. There was a teenage boy they invited over to join our group, so when I recognized one of Panacea?s suppliers, I excused myself to go share a drink with him instead. But at some point this kid pisses Jewell off and really upsets her, so I introduced her to the man I was talking to. I? wanted to provide her with a distraction, I was trying to help. They left together, which was what I had intended for them to do, but--? Cane trailed off, looking up at Salvador. ?I didn?t like it. It made me feel? I don?t even know how to describe it,? he said with some exasperation. ?So I?m frustrated.?

?You would have preferred her wanting to leave with you,? Salvador said. It seemed so simple to him.

?She did want to leave with me,? Cane countered. ?But I was trying to be a good friend. She and I want different things. I?ve never cared before who she ****s, Sin notwithstanding, so I don?t know why this bothered me.? There was a short pause, followed up by, ?It bothers me. I don?t want it to, and I have to wait until it doesn?t anymore. I?m an impatient sonofabitch, as you well know.?

Salvador chuckled and gave the Cajun an affectionate squeeze around the waist, head dipping to nose his cheek and mouth his jaw. Not quite a kiss. And then it was, brushed to the corner of Cane?s mouth. Wise beyond his years he may be, but he had no further input on the matter. Cane was right. He needed to wait out the feelings until they didn?t bother him anymore. ?You are.? An impatient sonofabitch. ?But I love you.? And that?s all that mattered, right?

?Someone has to.? Love him, that is. Cane sighed, letting his head tip backward to stare at the ceiling briefly, then rolled back upright with some effort. ?That aside, I?m happy you?re okay.?

?We talked,? Salvador said with a shrug, certain that the Cajun was itching to know about what had transpired between he and Sin. ?I told him some of the reasons why I?m angry with him.? What he could remember on such short notice, without having written a list. ?He told me why he disappeared, again.? A furrow marred his brow. Excuses. Always excuses.

?You talked,? Cane echoed, unintentionally interrupting. He was usually so careful about that sort of thing, but this couldn?t be helped, nor could the fond smile that found him. After a moment, he asked, ?Why had he disappeared this time??

Salvador did not immediately answer. This was something he struggled with. How much to tell? What to tell? Would, in telling, he be accused of betraying the sinner again? He wasn?t sure he could handle more bullshit accusations like that. The details Sin had told him seemed irrelevant to the truth, which he decided to share in a single word. ?Torpor,? he said.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Cane was able to jump to the correct conclusion. Firelight limned the drawing of his features as realization set in. His mouth flatlined, eyes ticking away from Salvador?s face as he considered the implication with the only other piece of the puzzle he held. He didn?t make it a habit to assume anything, but Cane felt confident in surmising aloud, ?He was reckless. It?s a good thing he?s kindred.? Rolling his eyes, Cane sighed, letting the frustration wash over him. It was easier to let this go now because he?d been working on it since the sinner?s return. As the irritation receded, Cane?s expression was warmed by a slight smile he directed at Sal. ?But now he?s back. You two have talked, and you?re okay.?

?I?m okay,? Salvador confirmed with a faint smile and nod. ?We?re okay.?

?That?s good, amante.? Cane?s smile deepened. He brought a hand up to touch the Spaniard?s cheek.

?It?s enough,? Salvador replied quietly. His smile remained soft, but he was pleased enough, especially by Cane?s reaction and touch. He lifted his hand to hold against the back of the Cajun?s and turned his head to press a kiss to his palm.

When Sal was finished kissing his palm, Cane curled his fingers to trap Sal?s and squeezed. ?I love you. I?m still ****in? pissed at him, but I?m glad for you.? Truth rang throughout the Cajun?s statement. The fiery edge of anger shared space with his satisfaction in a strange coupling.

?I know you are.? Salvador did not fault him for his anger, either. ?I told him you are, too.? More or less.

?He wants to have a drink with me, but I don?t know that it will accomplish anything? productive.? Frankly, he?d still rather deck the sinner. Their last bout of violence had been anti-climatic.

Salvador shrugged and let his hand fall back to the Cajun?s lap, and from there he tucked his arm back around his waist. ?I didn?t expect to accomplish anything going to see him tonight either. I just wanted to see him. We talked, but I don?t think it solved anything. Except that I?m less angry with him now than I was.?

?I don?t think I can be less angry with him,? Cane confessed. He let go of Sal?s hand, touching it down on the man?s chest instead. ?Not right now. But I?m trying to stay focused on what I can control, which is my reaction. It?s all I can do.?

?I don?t expect anything more of you, amante.? With a still lingering smile, Sal closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to Cane?s. There was a flex of fingers along the Cajun?s back, pressing and pulling to stroke scales through his shirt. ?I should warn you he said he?d make an appearance tomorrow night, though.? Technically tonight. Same difference.

Cane shrugged, unconcerned. ?It?s fine. I don?t have to like him to be polite.?

?No,? Sal agreed with a vaguely amused twist infiltrating his smile. He lifted his chin to press a kiss on the Cajun?s mouth, short and sweet.

?We?ve both wanted him to actually be around, so? it?s good that he will be.? Cane would always want what would make Sal happy in some capacity.

?Yes,? Sal sighed, ?but for how long??

?Let?s not think about that,? Cane said. He dropped his hand from Sal?s chest to touch the man?s arm instead where there was inked a phrase they both endeavored to live by. ?Right now? I like what?s happening here.? To emphasize his meaning, the Cajun squirmed in place to better settle against his lover. ?There?s a fire nearby, the surf in the background, and our bed right over there.? His eyes darted to the wall sporting the vibrant mural of a sunrise painted by Salvador himself, once upon a time.

?It?s so far away,? Salvador complained lightly, with humor. Bed sounded like an incredibly good idea, but he didn?t want to have to get up and dislodge the Cajun from his lap. He liked him here.

Tipping his head to one side, Cane stole a kiss from the Spaniard and then another shortly after. ?And you,? he whispered, too-warm lips brushing against Sal?s as he spoke. ?--with me. I like this.?

?Mmm.? Salvador?s hum was one of pure pleasure. His arms coiled a little more tightly around the Cajun, and he turned his head to press a more secure kiss on him. ?So do I.? It was entirely possible they?d never make it to the bed after all.


((Written with my talented partner in crime))

Canaan

Date: 2018-01-08 15:45 EST
Friday. January 5, 2017.


Smirking, Cane tipped his head to bring Salvador's face into view. "What would you like, amant?"

"There's Mad Fairy Ale on tap still," Jewell suggested. "Jake's greatest creation."

Sinjin Fai bumped the edge of his hip lazily against the faerie, his hand remaining there at her back: quiet, present. He said nothing, but his smile was affectionate as he looked at her.

"On tap?" asked Salvador skeptically. He was a beer snob who only drank from bottles. He looked over his shoulder, gaze skipping back and forth between the taps and the cooler. "That sounds good..." As if that was confirmation enough, Cane pushed out of his lean and moved around through the break to get a couple of beers.

Jewell made a quiet, kittenish nudge of her cheek against Sin's arm before Sal had her attention again. "Um.. maybe both. I had a bottle the other night." It was with the utmost reluctance that she then reached for her jacket.

Sinjin was, at the very least, something of a gentleman: when Jewell reached for her coat, he retreated his touch and instead plucked her jacket up, opening it for her so she could slip in.

"So gallant," she teased, but truly she was the kind of woman who secretly loved it on some level. She slipped her jacket on and buttoned it up against the cold.

"I've never been a beer person. Unless I was very, very broke,? said Sin.

"Ahh but this beer is like no other. I was the muse for its creation."

"It is the best beer,? Sal declared, backing Jewell up. He?d bought cases when it first came out last year. He was a big Badsider supporter.

"Jake is a creative genius."

"For the average man who can't become drunk on your beauty on person," Sinjin crooned, grinning as he leaned back against the bar again.

Jewell blushed. "Their loss, hm?"

The Cajun found a bottle of Mad Fairy for Sal and a Silvermark for himself. His eyes touched on Sin and Jewell again, mostly because he was a glutton for punishment. "You takin' off, cher?" As if it wasn't obvious.

Salvador chuckled in response to Sin's turning up of the charm, but he did not disagree. Jewell was damn intoxicating. But so was Cane, at whom he was making grabby hands in hopes of getting that beer from him. "Gracias, amante."

Jewell?s gaze would have lingered on Sin, but Cane called her attention away. Instinctively, she smiled at him but then it faltered just a little when she thought of something. "Yes... but I don't need you to find me company."

Sinjin arched a brow, his hawk brown eyes ticking back toward Cane.

Even Salvador's brows lifted at that. Jewell didn't exactly have a tone, but damn.

The faerie?s barb caught Cane as he passed her by on his way back to Sal, so only his Spaniard could see the regret which splintered through his expression. He passed the beer off to his lover and the cap pried off of his own. Salvador?s expression smoothed right on over, the shock reaction gone in an instant, covered by the genuine, but soft smile he gifted Cane in exchange for the beer. By the time Cane settled back into place beside Sal, he'd fixed his face too. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Good." Jewell?s tone and expression were a little icy now. "You should." Both warmed when she looked back to Sin, looping her scarf around her neck before stepping in close to kiss him, right on the jaw. She wasn't so cruel that she spoke too loud now, "Can I come over again if I promise not to text you at six in the morning?"

Sinjin looked at Cane a moment longer, but it didn't linger; it took little for his eyes to settle on Jewell again. He huffed out a little noise of amusement, his breath cool against her cheek as he tipped his head ever so slightly toward that kiss. "Of course," he assented. "Mind the cat. I threw her in a snowbank and she's out for revenge." He grinned.

Women had the most interesting way of expressing their discontent without ever actually addressing the situation. They knew exactly what button to push that would hurt the most. Cane took a drink of his beer, continuing to watch Jewell through the kiss to Sin's jaw. Then his eyes found somewhere else to look, attention torn equally between the jukebox and the piano in silent contemplation.

"The poor darling! You're terrible." She said it in such a way that Sin was sure to find her mauled after she attempted to soothe poor Kaavi. Everyone got a smile from her, even Canaan, "Enjoy your pizza.? Then she was heading for the door.

With a flutter of a blink, Salvador found focus. He watched Jewell leave. His expression remained neutral. He did not tell her goodbye, in any fashion. Only stared at her back, until it was the door, and then he stared at that some.

Sinjin watched her go, his expression slowly falling to something more thoughtful. He reached into his pocket and withdrew his cigarettes, prying one from the pack.

"Sin,? said Cass from nearby. ?You'll have to tell me what she does to get revenge." As her gaze went over to Cane, accompanied by a sweet smile. Was he the one who gave the sinner that idea?

"God knows it will involve cat **** my bed, and three in the morning," he drawled to Cass, pressing the cigarette to his lips before he looked back at Cane.

Cane had watched Jewell go, but didn't say anything. He just nursed his beer and moved on to eye the piano longingly. To play music right now would involve stepping away from Salvador, though, and that just wasn't going to happen.

Sin seemed to be debating something before he finally made up his mind, dipping his chin as he lit his cigarette and exhaled in gray moments later. His voice was low. "I don't know if there's anything I can do to help, or if you want it. But if you do--" He let he offer hang. It was all he could do, really. After that, he pushed away from his lean to head for the break.

Stirring from his thoughts at the sound of Sin's voice, Salvador sucked in a somewhat grumbling breath and lifted his beer bottle. It clicked against his teeth before he took a drink, using the gulp to silence his tongue. There were things he could say. None of it was for him to say, though. He ticked a glance aside, catching the shadow of movement that was the sinner. He tipped his glance the other way to take in Cane, and then looked forward again.

Cane's attention hadn't been anywhere remotely tuned into the sinner, so it took him a little too long to figure out that the man was talking to him. Head turned, mild confusion knitting itself into the wrinkle of his brow. "What?"

Sinjin?s fingers tiptoed across the bottles behind the bar before he pulled tequila down off the shelf, the cigarette hanging perilously from his lips. "It-- nevermind," he replied, his tone easy enough, though he puffed out a breath. "I have no idea what's going on," he eventually said -- and that was the truth. He was only aware of this strange tension between Cane and Jewell that he felt strangely in the middle of.

Cane snorted, shaking his head dismissively. "Nothing's going on." That much was true now. "Apparently I shouldn't try to set her up with people when she's distressed." He rolled his shoulder, affecting carelessness in the form of a shrug.

Canaan

Date: 2018-01-09 16:49 EST
Monday. January 8, 2017.



Text from Jewell (7:40pm): Kid is ditching me for a while. Says she won't go to the IFL fights with me cause *someone* is fighting tonight and she doesn't want to commit murder at the duels
Text from Jewell (7:41pm): Meet me to chat?

I waited for her in a booth. It wouldn?t provide us total privacy, but I didn?t think we?d need it. Things between us were strained, but I didn?t think the conversation would venture into private territory. Knowing she liked Mad Fairy Ale, I had some waiting for her on the table from the tap.

She showed up wearing these tiny, silver hot pants that barely covered her ass, clutching her coat close to herself as if that would do something to ward off the cold. "Mother ****ing Nature, I'm not leaving the house again until spring." She found me a second later and smiled, heading toward the booth.

?Well damn, girl.? I couldn?t help but stare. She looked as hot as ever. With that much leg on display, it was difficult to keep my mind from wandering to fond memories of our sweat-slicked skin pressed together and those legs wrapped tightly around my hips. Those thoughts weren?t helping, though. ?Got you a drink,? I rumbled, reeling my mind back into the present while I pushed her glass a little closer to the other side of the table.

"Thanks.. it's um, we decided to wear hotpants as a team this week. I don't think Gren and Kheld are going to though, but I figured why not?" She shrugged. "Don't know if I'm even going to stay for Kheld's fight though honestly." She wrapped her hands around her drink, not touching it otherwise yet.

"I'm havin' a terrible time imagining Eden in hot pants."

She grinned at me and my heart throbbed painfully in my chest at the sight. "Oh we got her some pink ones. I don't know if she'll wear them either.. which really negates the whole idea. They obviously all just wanted to be like me cause I've been wearing them for my fights all season."

I chuckled, pushing away from the wall to sit facing her. It would have been easy to keep going back and forth with the small talk all night, but that wasn't what we were here for. I?d had enough of all the poor communication going on around me, so I swallowed pride and hurt alike and looked her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry if I offended you somehow."

"No no, it's not--" she stopped abruptly, fingers tightening around the glass. "You didn't offend me," she started again more carefully. "It was just... you know, we said we would just be friends but that just felt like you wanted to just get rid of me or something." Then, adding quickly: "I know that wasn't what you were doing. I guess."

That was disconcerting. I?d never meant to make her feel that way. "If you have to say you guess, then you don't know that for sure," I replied gently, disappointed with myself for not addressing things sooner. I nursed my beer while collecting my thoughts. "That wasn't what I was doing. When I first came here and was having trouble, I distracted myself by sleeping with any pretty face that would have me. And to be clear, I don't find anything wrong with that. You were upset that night and I was trying to be a good friend to you by handing you an opportunity for distraction that I couldn't deliver myself. If it helps, I didn't enjoy doing so and I don't plan on doing it again."

She laughed a bit helplessly. "No, it doesn't help. So we're both unhappy? What good is that?" Jewell shook her head and took a drink, setting the glass back down carefully after a moment. "I was upset, but that's not.. I mean, it's not like I haven't distracted myself with men before. I have. But," she scrunched her nose up, "can't you see that you're the last person I'd want to set me up with someone else? It's like.. oh I can't have you, so just have some cheap one-night replacement. There, all better? And it's not."

"It was an error in judgement and all I can do is apologize," I said sounding equally helpless. What more could I have said? Ours was an impossible situation which only time would soothe. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," she replied reassuringly. "Really. It just has to be. I'm sorry if I was unkind the other night. I know you weren't trying to upset me."

Unkind. That?s a word for it. I?d have likened it more to vindictive. I couldn?t look at her. It was hard to force myself to admit that I?d been hurt. "Yeah, well? jealousy's a bitch. It's been a long ass time since I've felt it quite like that." I sighed, forcing myself myself to meet her eyes again. She looked sad.

"Canaan, it doesn't--"

I knew exactly what she was going to say. It doesn?t have to be this way. But she didn?t finish the thought. I was grateful, too, because it does have to be this way.

"Well ****," she sighed. "Ishmerai always says I have a knack for making a mess of everything." She raised her glass for a much longer drink this time.

So many things I wanted to say. Why did you **** him when you knew we were fighting? Why did you choose temporary satisfaction over love? Why doesn?t he know anything about us? But none of those questions are constructive, having the answers wouldn?t change the outcome. I made my decision. She made hers.

"You're not making it anything... it just is what it is.? She looked away from me, seemingly dissatisfied with the answer. She appeared to be having such a difficult time with the decision to remain friends; I didn?t want to make things harder for her. Though it pained me to ask, I did: ?Would you rather we weren't friends? Is this too hard for you?"

"No," she insisted softly but firmly, eyes fixed on her ale. "You seem sure that it's less painful this way and I don't... I can't see it." Her shoulders rose and fell. "But you have to do what's right for you just like I do what's right for me."

"Darlin', I never said this was less painful." Quite the contrary. This was one of the more painful things I?ve had to deal with. I?m a runner. I normally cut people off when they hurt me, cut them off and never, ever look back. Just ask the others. But it sounded to me like she didn?t understand why we were putting ourselves through the discomfort of remaining friends through the transition from a sexual relationship to a platonic one, which led me to leave the decision in her hands. "I'll do what you want here, because we can't go back. Only forward."

"It's not too hard. I'm used to living a lie. I live several every day. Maybe we'll even start to believe it one day."

Our gazes met, but her words struck a nerve. I frowned, deeply discomfited by the suggestion that our friendship, strained though it may be, was a lie. "This isn't a lie. Are you my friend or aren't you?"

"Of course I'm your friend, but it's a lie when you want to keep acting like that's it."

That didn?t make sense to me. She?d never once given me any indication that she felt anything more. Before we started seeing one another, I was told that when she cared about someone, they were the only person she slept with; and I wasn?t the only person she was ****ing. When I admitted that I let myself love her, she flat out told me she didn?t want to start something, that what would make her happy would be to just keep things as they were -- she didn?t want to have to choose and she didn?t want things to change.

"No. We were friends with benefits before and now the benefits are gone. I wanted? I wanted more than that.? I wanted something real. I wanted a relationship. ?I was getting ready to talk to you about it, even knowing how things might end, because I wanted you. All of you. Not just sex. I wanted to call you mine. But it all fell apart before it became that, so no, Jewell, this isn't a lie. It never had a chance to go anywhere but the bedroom." She?d killed that possibility before I could even ask.

"I..." Her hands went slack around her glass and she looked away from me. "Right. You're right. That's all there is. Just friends with benefits and now just friends." She kept her eyes trained elsewhere as she scooted towards the edge of the bench.

I sucked in a slow, deep breath. Silent. Calming. In actuality it did little to help soothe the inner turmoil, but it kept me from being outwardly expressive. This hadn't gone how either of us intended. "Change is uncomfortable. It won't alway be like this." I watched her prepare to leave, making no move to follow. "Good luck to your team tonight, cher."

Jewell stood, fixing her shorts, jacket, hair. "It's not change. I just misunderstood is all. My mistake." She zippered and unzipped a pocket on her jacket, fiddling with the tin of pills inside. When she did look at me again, it was only briefly. "Have a good night, Canaan."

Her words burrowed into my skin, settling like a rock in the pit of my stomach. I felt hollowed out and empty but for the ice and finality in her tone. "You too," I replied evenly, quiet but honest.

She wrapped her arms around herself as she headed for the stairs to the Annex. I didn?t move until the door shut firmly behind her, then slid silently from the bench. I took her cup to the sink and threw my bottle in the trash, mindlessly going through the motions that would get me the hell out of that place.

Nothing had been fixed. If anything, they?d gotten worse.

((Adapted from Live Play with the talented JewellRavenlock))

Canaan

Date: 2018-02-15 16:38 EST
Tuesday. February 13, 2018


Casa del Brujo?s narrow sandy beaches sprawled for miles in either direction. Tonight, the black sea was a supplicate lover lapping at its shores and the white cliffs opposite the water a rigid, skeletal spine to hold the rest of the land apart. If he turned his head just so, he could see neither. There was only the sand stretched out before him like an endless, empty desert aglow with the light of the moons.

It reminded him of India. Of distance. Of getting away. Of running. How easy it would be to drop everything and go. Where was of little consequence; where didn?t matter, just that wherever it was would be far away. He wondered if that instinct would ever leave him. Even now that he?d found son asile, the urge to put as much distance between himself and pain was tempting. That was the human weakness in him? not that the infernal half of him found it any easier to cope.

Oh how he?d raged. ?This is stupid,? Cane had said to no one. The Spaniard looked up from where he lounged in the hammock in the next room but said nothing; he?d been listening to Cane grow more and more frustrated for over an hour. Cane threw his pencil down so hard it left a divot in the table where he was working on Lirssa?s obituary. ?It?s impossible,? he growled. ?You can?t condense a person?s life to a few paragraphs and have it be enough.?

An angry sob escaped him, throat tightening as unbidden tears welled up so fast there was no time to stop them from falling. Head bowed, hands in his hair, the sense of inadequacy bowled him over without grace. His body trembled with the effort to contain himself, but the fit of crying morphed quickly into anger that birthed a fire which consumed the table?s contents within seconds. He lashed out with a snarl, standing so abruptly his chair tipped over. The flames spiraled up into a pillar of fire that churned like a hungry tornado. But instead of laying waste to the rest of the house, the column collapsed and spilled over the edges of the table as if suddenly made into liquid. He cursed Lirssa in every language he knew for leaving him, blamed her as if she?d chosen to be parted from him, yelled at her for entrusting him with this task.

Though Salvador had been nearby, he?d chosen to weather the storm alone on the beach. His tears joined the salt of the sea and sweat alike, soaking into the sand where a portion of Lirssa?s ashes had been scattered. Cane gave himself over to the all-consuming grief, letting it swallow him whole until he was spent. The hollow emptiness that followed was oddly satisfying, like starting fresh with a clean slate.

He wasn?t actually mad at Lirssa. In truth he was flattered beyond belief. He wrote her name in the sand along with several others, friends and family he?d lost over the years, and pondered the words she?d written about him.

?I trust his judgement beyond everyone else.?

The memory of first hearing those words read aloud by the lawyer brought a fresh wave of tears to his eyes, but these ones were tears of gratitude. To Cane, Trust was priceless. It was highest on the list of admirable virtues, along with Loyalty, Honesty, and Independence. Knowing that Lirssa trusted him to such a degree was the greatest gift she could ever have given, and he treasured it more than any possession she?d left to him. That in and of itself acted as a balm for the raw wound within him created by her absence.

Cane pressed his arm into the sand, sweeping away the names of the dead. In their place he drew the angelic runes for friendship, trust, and remembrance & mourning. There was no power in them except the mental aspect which bolstered his resolve.

Though there had been no physical indication of his approach, no footsteps or sound of any kind, he was suddenly aware that Salvador was seated behind him in the sand. Engulfed by a sense of cool serenity, Cane sighed in satisfaction.

?Mon asile.?

?Mi ?gida,? Sal responded. ?Descansa ahora.?

The Cajun closed his eyes as Sal?s fingers sifted through his hair. The heavy sluggishness of impending slumber saturated his body thanks to the relaxing peace brought on by the Spaniard?s presence, but he did not give in to sleep just yet.

?It was tolerable when I thought she was only busy.? He kept his gaze trained on the expanse of bone-white sand before him. ?She hasn?t been at the gym since? the end of July, I think. Barely in Rhydin at all for months on end. It wasn?t hard to be without her then, but it is now that I know she?s not ever coming back. I barely said more than hello the last time I saw her. If I had known??

?You couldn?t have, amante.?

Cane turned over, shifting in the sand to lie on his back so he could stare up into Salvador?s face. The man?s features were shadowed, though a wreath of pale moonlight brought the shape of his outline into sharp definition. ?We can never know,? he whispered. He pushed himself up on an elbow and reached up, hooking his hand around the back of Sal?s neck to pull him into a kiss.

As he sank back into the sand, Cane smiled and let his eyes fall shut once more. ?Thank you. For being here. For knowing when I need you.? Calloused fingers slipped away from Sal?s neck to brush across the place where a tattoo was hidden beneath the collar of the man?s shirt. ?Te amo,? he said quietly. Sal stretched out beside him while he finished. ?Je t?aime. I love you.?

The Spaniard pressed his forehead to Cane?s, a faint smile on his face. ?Tonto guapo. Te amo tambi?n.?