The unknown. The scariest part of life is the unknown. Being out of control, time slipping through your fingers, the twists, turns and sudden drops you can?t anticipate. I've never handled the unknown well and not knowing what would happen was the hardest part of waiting. It?s been about two weeks now since I was bitten. The full moon is on Tuesday, the third of February and I have done everything but prepare for it. I've never been one to give into blind optimism but even believing that I had a sliver of hope was easier to grasp and hold to than the prospects of me becoming a Werewolf. How could one night gone incredibly wrong lead to this? I have carried on as I usually do, I clean at Salvador?s three days a week, I go the gym every morning and train with Melanie, I go to dance class, the duels, and I have hung out with my friends. My nights are usually spent with Ketch, except for the occasional nights that I need me time which usually involves Aoife as well.

Would being prepared for the what ifs really help me? I didn't think so. I felt like trying to prepare for this big maybe would only overwhelm me and there are so many risks that come with my anxiety. Ketch experienced an episode with me last week, it was brutal, for both of us. He couldn't have been any more perfect than he was in those moments and that?s why I know that I am making the right choice in having him with me on the full moon. Ketch is resilient and even though there are still a lot of question marks as to who he is, I am happy to learn him a moment at a time and slowly watch the puzzle begin to take shape. Despite all of the unknowns surrounding him, I know that he is a man who has acquired strength through life experiences and he has been molded and forged into something more steely than what he even appears. He doesn't say a lot and he usually thinks that he is saying the wrong things but some how he says the things I need to hear. He has a way of speaking that actually gets through to me. He doesn't put up with my shit either, doesn't coddle me or my bad habits. This isn't to say he is abrasive or unkind, quite the opposite. These things just add to the list of why I know he should be with me. He will help me through this and I believe that he will be strong enough to deal with whatever happens.

Despite my chosen ignorance and blindness to my situation, there were people who decided I needed to be prepared. I spent Monday trying to do things that I might miss should I change. I can?t know what to expect but if I do change, I won?t be human anymore. Surely my experiences will be different. I ended up not being able to think of anything that was amazingly epic but I did eat at my favorite places and decided to go to the duels. What if this was my last time to duel as a human?

I ran into Cris at the duels, over the last two weeks or so we have started becoming something akin to friends and he has been checking up on me from time to time to see how I am handling the bite. He seemed surprised to find out how unprepared I was regarding the endless possibilities that could take place and he questioned me about it. I wasn't prepared to have my night go down the drain, I wanted to be with friends and have fun. What if I couldn't handle the change? What if I died? Ketch came and I decided to go ahead and duel, get in one last fight before?well before the unknown. By the time I was done dueling, Cris had left and Ketch looked uneasy. That certainly wasn?t how I wanted this night to go.

The door opened, ushering in the cold and Cris, and Ketch exhaled a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "The space is dockside. But I want to ask Cris about the rest, because I've never seen a first change." Ketch had no problem asking for help or guidance provided he trusted the person. And he trusted Cris. There were vast differences between them, but also some places where their personalities aligned so neatly that Ketch now found the Nephilim easy, if often solemn, company. It was not a trait he minded. He nudged out a chair for Cris as he approached. Sabine had bristled when he held her wrists and jerked back, twisting her arms as if to test how tight his grip really was. He took away her ability to fidget and she was not pleased, but Cris walking through the door and towards them was the icing on the cake.

"You texted him?" Her tone was incredulous as she eyed Cris and then looked back to Ketch. She grit her teeth and gave another yank, willing to rip her arms out their sockets if it meant she could be free to wrap her arms around herself and pout.

"I do have better things to do," Cris replied as he perched on the edge of the chair that Ketch had kicked out for him.

Ketch?s grip was tight, and tightened further with Sabine?s frantic motions until he gave a shake of his head and loosed her with the last vigorous yank. He watched the blood flood back across the white imprints of his fingers, then looked aside to Cris as he sat and said, "Tell her....us... more about what to expect and what needs to be done. I don't think I'm making much of an impression."

"What have you told her already?" Cris asked as he looked between them. Ketch appeared more like an exasperated father than a lover.

Once released, Sabine hunched her shoulders and wrapped her arms around her torso, her eyes angled down. The leg that was crossed over her other one continued to shake and wiggle, and she did her best to bite her tongue and not rip off anyone's head. She stayed quiet and just waited for Cris to speak rather than say something she might regret or appear unappreciative.

The difference in age between Ketch and Sabine had never felt like so much of a gulf as it did tonight, and it?d given him pause multiple times over the course of the evening. His reply to Cris came out clipped. "That it's painful, that there will be instinctive aggression of an incredibly violent nature that she won't be able to control. That she could harm or kill someone. That she will need to be confined." He ran down the list dutifully. "She?d just asked me about the confinement when you walked in. Whether she'd have to be chained and alone. I told her not alone, but I was going to say chained, yes." He shrugged. "Thought I'd be as cautious as possible."

"I see." Ketch had blanketed practically every point that Cris himself would have. But looking at Sabine now.... "Sabine. You're holding onto the hope that none of this will happen to you, aren't you?"

"Well that would be ideal. But I tend to not give myself over to hope or fanciful dreams. I try to be realistic." She sighed and stared at her water. "Would it be so bad to hope this one time?" She blinked and a tear slowly ran down her left cheek. Cris? matter-of-fact tone on the subject and unforgiving gaze was quickly undoing Sabine.

"What is realistic about your behavior at the moment?"Cris asked.

Her tongue slicked over her teeth and her jaw tensed as her eyes narrowed. She should have stayed at the duels and kept hitting things. "This would be...the time... I am hoping." Her tone was curt and spoken through her teeth as she tried not to lose her *** in the middle of the bar.

Ketch cut another glance aside for Cris, his jaw clamped tight and ground against his first reply until it was nothing but a twitch of muscle. He looked back at Sabine, one hand reaching for her knee. "Cris doesn't sugarcoat things, Sabine." Guilt touched his eyes; he could see she was becoming overwhelmed.

Rolling his eyes, Cris continued to speak. "I did not say having hope is terrible. But I mean this," lifting his chin to how she slouched in her seat and clutched herself together. "It is not right, Sabine, to simply leave you ignorant of the possibilities. No one wants this to be true for you. Ketch does not, I do not. And by the Angel, I know you do not. But if you are not prepared for the worst cases, you may have to live with more than a simple affliction."

"So Ketch has explained. I'm more informed. I'm going to be locked up so I don't go on a rampage. What else can you tell me that will help?" Sabine danced around anything that could lead to questions about her state of mind or how she was feeling. Feelings. Ugh, *** em.

"And there's also the matter of the guest in her head. I'm not sure how that's going to figure in, but it seems like it'd have an impact one way or another." Ketch added in with a nudge of his chin in the direction of Sabine?s head.

Looking to Ketch, Sabine nodded. "There's that too. I can't really think about her right now. There are too many unknowns that'll have to be dealt with when and if, I change." There was just no knowing how Shifra, the dead woman living in her head due to a reincarnation gone wrong would affect things.

Ketch gave Cris an apologetic look that said he might have called him over here for nothing; Sabine had her walls well in place. He drained his mug and sat back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest.

Cris took his chair and turned it to face her, elbows on his knees and he made a scarred net of his hands when he leaned in.

"The Change will begin, if you've been Infected, the moment the full moon begins to rise. I understand that the notion of restraints is barbaric in nature, but yes, they will be necessary. Your bones will break and reshape themselves. Your muscles will pull and stretch against your flesh. Your teeth will be replaced by a wolf's. Your finger- and toenails by claws. You will Change from a bipedal life form to a quadrupedal one.

"You must understand, Sabine, that pain like that is unbearable. It is not a change the human body was meant to undertake. With that kind of pain comes great strength, great rage, and great violence and that is something you will not be able to control on your own. Not the first time. Not even the second or third. It takes practice, diligence and courage." No, he did not sugarcoat as he spoke to her and by the strained expression on his face, he wasn't done.

This. This was why Ketch had called Cris. To say the things he didn't want to say with such depth and precision. He couldn't, didn't want to be the one to cause the reaction he knew was coming. It was protectiveness, affection, and willful stupidity all in one. He leaned forward in his chair, muscles strained and twitching, thawed back into motion.

Sabine?s arms remained protectively crossed over her torso, but the arm on the bottom had a moving hand. Her fingers slipped beneath the hem of her shirt and she scratched at the scars and cuts that were still healing. As Cris spoke, she began to count them. She looked like she was listening, but her eyes were distant because she was truly trying not to hear him...as if she could. She heard everything he said.

She kept counting, over and over and over again as her fingers slid across the marks. Her bottom lip moved just barely with each tick of a number in her head. "Twenty-three.... twenty...three." She whined softly. "Should be twenty-two." Her voice was whisper soft and as she stared down at the table and started the count over again. "Oh...okay,? distractedly to Cris as she tried to not focus on his words and went back to counting. She winced as she scratched one of the scabs from last week, tearing it off and making herself bleed. Slowly she blinked and looked back up as the bite of pain brought her back into focus.

"What's next?" She was trapped somewhere between trying to listen and trying to run away.

"I've seen both sides of this," Cris spoke while looking now to Ketch. "Where it ended well, and where it did not. The circumstances here are different than they were in New York. There's a society there called the Praetor Lupus created specifically to aid newly transitioning Weres and vampires become accustomed to their new existence. For the most part, my kind are not called upon if they can help it."

He looked back to Sabine. "Until you've mastered your Change, you will not remember who you are whilst you are in your wolf form. Nor what you do. Consider, then, what it would be like to awaken naked and bloodstained and he is not there," tip of his head to Ketch.

Part of his mouth turned up and then he continued. "If he has the need, he can call upon me again, and I will do what I can. My intention of telling you this, Sabine, was not to terrify you, and I regret that I must to make you understand. If you Change, it will not simply be for one night. It will be something you must live with, that you must master. You will be in possession of dangerous abilities that are capable of harming those you care about. It is an immense responsibility, and it will not be easy.

"But I've told you already that you will not be alone, yes? Canaan has experience with Weres, I'm certain Salvador does too. By the Angel, I hope you do not come in contact with any leeches any time soon....But it is a possibility that can not be ignored. It must be dealt with. Do you understand?"

Sabine released a shaky breath as Cris finished speaking, and her hand fell from beneath her shirt to rest on her leg. The underside of her nails and the tips of her fingers were stained orange-red from smearing the blood on them while she scratched.

"Stop. Can we please stop?" Her hand lifted from her leg and raised, shaking as if to stall him in case he thought about saying anything else and then lay flat against the table, fingers splayed.

"I understand. I can only deal with this piece by piece. If... if I turn. Ketch will call you and we go from there. I can't prepare for every what if overnight."

Ketch was torn between the desire to protect and the desire to continue flooding Sabine with information and get the exposure over with in one fell swoop, as he'd have wanted for himself. One was ruled by his feelings, the other ruled by logic, and he was having trouble finding a compromise between them.

A great deal of the discussion, all of it actually, had been focused on the darkest, most terrible parts of what could happen. Lips pressed together, Cris looked at her small hand on the table, tightening his own to curb his own desires to offer comfort. "Not every aspect of this is so abominable."

"I don't think there are any positive aspects that would make a dent in the giant pile of *** that was just laid at my feet. No offense." Her lips pursed and she looked down to her hand and noticed her fingers. Closing her hand, she slowly slid it back and then into her lap and beneath the table.

Cris continued as if he hadn?t heard her. "True, you will be vulnerable to silver. But it will take only that material to permanently wound you. Your ability to heal yourself will speed close to immediacy depending on the depth of the wound. You will maintain your strength, and your grace. Your senses will be heightened.

"Once you learn to master yourself, you will be a formidable force to contend with. Instead of having the potential to harm those close to you, you will be able to protect them."

"Being human is what made me special." Words that Sinjin had spoken to her months ago played through Sabine?s mind. That was going to be gone, her humanity replaced by a Monster. Shaking her head, she started to edge her chair back. "Can we go...please?" Asked of Ketch.

Special must have meant something else, Cris thought. Strange, unique, vulnerable. Thumb swept along his index finger. He looked to Ketch.

A suggestion of a smile at the corners of Ketch?s lips dropped away unexpressed, and he nodded as Cris continued, thinking a discussion of the benefits might relieve some of the oppressive atmosphere. For naught, apparently. The scrape of Sabine's chair jerked his attention that way, and he scrutinized her for a few moments without saying anything before standing. "We can." Another thoughtful look to Cris. "Thank you." For any number of things, but mostly the effort, whether he felt it was wasted or not.

"Thank you for your...in depth and very pointed descriptions, Cris." The words were spoken with little feeling but as kindly as Sabine could manage while she stood up from her chair and numbly walked away from both of them towards the door. She needed air. She needed to breathe.

Lips moved like they did not know what to do. Cris looked to Sabine next when she took the lead and then back to Ketch. "It would be worse for her if she did not know. The notion is terrifying enough on its own.

"She...I.....yeah." Ketch just shrugged, the greater portion of his mind already projecting scenarios that would likely occur over the next few hours, possibly beyond. With another nod to Cris, he took off after Sabine.

The Cajun was seated on his favorite couch, guitar in hand, already strumming something without purpose. His eyes were closed, face tipped to the ceiling with the back of his head resting along the back of the couch.

Sabine had taken a cab from Dockside to Teas?n Tomes in order to not waste time. She was dressed down in an old pair of torn jeans and a stained up and tattered hooding. Her hair was wound up in a messy knot on her head with pieces falling from the tie all over. Coming inside, she didn't stop at the counter, just paused long enough to see where Cane was and then she headed towards the couch and sat. "Hey."

"Mon petite cherie." Canaan smiled. He did not get up, but he did shift the guitar aside and lifted his arm to invite her to cuddle in. The Cajun was dressed in the usual: boots, fitted jeans, and a white long sleeve shirt.

The invitation of his arms was taken and she moved to snuggle up against him. "Have you written anything new lately?"

He didn't answer her straight away. Cane's arm settled around Sabine's shoulder and he tipped his head to press a cheek against the crown of her head. After holding her for a good minute, he finally stirred and put on a happy face.

"Dere's always stuff flyin' off dese strings. Some songs takes more time'n ot'ers. You, ah, has anyone explained what could happen?" The guitar now lay flat across his lap, the neck stretched out over Sabine's legs.

She was in one of her favorite places in the world and didn't seem anxious to move away from Cane's warmth. "Yeah. Cris and Ketch had kind of an intervention last night. Cris spelled it all out pretty plainly." Her fingers plucked at a string and then another, very gently. "Needless to say, I didn't handle it all that well. Today is a little better, I guess I've resigned myself to the situation. I'm glad we met up though. I wanted to see you."

"I'm sorry I haven't checked in better, cher." And he wouldn't make excuses, either. Cane stroked a few fingers up and down her arm. There were a thousand things he wanted to say to make her feel better, but the words wouldn't come. Empty promises. And those were something he refused to make. "T'anks fer comin'. I been...well, it's taken me a while. An' I hadn't planned on sharin' it yet ta be hones'...but given da circumstances, I wanted ya ta have it now."

"I'm not your responsibility, Cane. You and Sal both have a lot on your plates and a lot of strays who need you." She frowned. "I have to admit, I ... I said something unkind last night to Ketch out of bitterness about you guys. My head was in a bad place and for a moment I let myself wallow. But I know, I do know that you both care." She forced a tight smile, the guilt of her words from the night before still ate at her. "What are you talking about? Sharing what?"

Taking his arm from around her, Canaan leaned forward and shifted himself to the very edge of the cushion so he could turn to face her. The guitar was picked up and poised for play as he swallowed back the sudden lump in his throat. "I ain' good wit' emotion, cher. I don' always know how ta tell people I care 'r dat I love 'em." And clearly he'd dropped the ball lately with Sabine. "But I've been workin' on dis song 'a yers fer months..."

"You're like Sal, you say, 'I love you' in the little ways, the ways you don't always hear but you see." Her eyes were bright as she watched him. "You've been writing me a song?" Genuine surprise registered on her face. "I get to hear it?"

He started to pluck the strings, clutching the pick Salvador made him tightly between thumb and forefinger and nodded. "Mm. I have. It ain' anyt'in dat's gon' help fix what's goin' on wit'cha righ' now...but it's yers. Proof ya ain' far from my mind. An' dat'cha got a permanent place in my songbook." Canaan smiled faintly, tucking his chin to his chest for a moment as if it would help hide the rawness of what he was feeling, but then he took a deep breath, met her eyes, and began to sing.

?Trying to live and love,
With a heart that can't be broken,
Is like trying to see the light with eyes that can't be opened.
Yeah, we both carry baggage,
We picked up on our way, so if you love me do it gently,
And I will do the same.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
We are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
Cause we are glass.
I'll let you look inside me, through the stains and through the cracks,
And in the darkness of this moment,
You see the good and bad.
But try not to judge me, 'cause we've walked down different paths,
But it brought us here together, so I won't take that back.
We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass.?

It didn't take much more than his words or the looks he was trying to hide to bring tears to her eyes but the song made them fall. While he played, she closed her eyes and listened to the words he had written and towards the end she opened them to peek at him while he sang. This was her favorite way to see Cane. He was so in his element and when he was raw, he was so lovely. It wasn?t just a song but his willingness to continue letting her in coupled with that, that made her bottom lip quiver. She was so tired of crying but at least now they were happy tears. There was a soft smile spread across her lips. "You're beautiful." Her voice was whisper soft. "Thank you." It didn?t seem enough but she didn?t know how to show her appreciation in this moment.

He was smiling at her. "You wasn' supposed ta cry. I knew ya would, but..." Cane chuckled silently and bit down on his lower lip.

"I'm always crying." she laughed softly and it sounded gross and snorty from her crying. "Happy tears, I promise." Her hand lifted to his cheek, thumb brushing lightly and she watched the way he bit his lip. "Thank you for giving me pieces." Piece of him, something to keep, a place in his heart and in his songbook. Her hand dropped and she wiped at her own face.

"Things are going to be okay, right? Even if... I...turn." Her voice was low and uncertain as she spoke.

Setting the guitar on the coffee table, Cane slid back across the cushion to the spot next to Sabine and put his arms back around her. "Yes," he told her definitively. That he felt comfortable saying. "It's gon' be okay. You'll still be you." With a few extras added in.

"Sin said I was special because I was human. I'm a human amongst the monsters." Her head dipped down to rest against his shoulder. "Being human used to seem like the worst thing in the world, but now I am so scared to lose my humanity. I know I'm just a silly girl most of the time but that's me. I just started to find me and now it might all change." Sucking in her bottom lip, she was quiet for a moment. "At least you guys will be the same. My anchors. It'll be okay."

"It'll be okay," he repeated, brows furrowed. The Cajun put his chin on top of Sabine's head so she couldn't look up to see his face. There were a hundred different things tumbling around his mind, begging to be loosed. "Sin's right, d'oh. Y' are special. Don' won' stop if ya turn, cher. Remember, change is not always a bad t'ing. We make da mos' 'a what we's handed. Ya got a lot 'a friends who'll be dere no matter what."

"I'm just tired of making the most of things. Of barely keeping my head above the water. Of fighting. For the first time in a while, I've finally felt like I could breathe and now..." Her hands tangled together and she picked at her fingers. "It'll be okay though, regardless. It will. I haven't survived this long to give up now." One hand broke away so she could nibble at her thumb. "I'm sorry for always being a pain in the ass."

Salvador picked at his nails. Sabine chewed hers. Canaan was irritated with both habits and so he reached up to gently tug her fingers away from her mouth. "Sabine? Dis is prolly gon' be da ****iest pep talk ever, but all anyone's ever doin' is treadin' water. Dere's always gon' be somet'in try'na pull us down. Dere's always a fight. You was feelin' happier, like you's comin' inta yerself. Findin' a place. Tell me, how does turnin' inta a werewolf change any 'a dat? Ya still got each of us here lovin' ya. Sal, me, Aoife, Ketch. An' everyone else in yer life. None of us is goin' anywhere. You'll still be you in da mornin', cher. If ya end up turnin', all dat's gon' change is I might start barkin' at'cha occasionally."

She actually smiled when he took her hand away because it reminded her of Ketch and the way he was always stealing her hands to stop her from hurting herself. And the words he offered up were not so different from the ones he had told her either. "You're old and wise..." she teased. "Ketch said something similar. I guess all of the unknowns scare me. I mean, I'm already a pain in the ass, now I'm going to like Hulk out and rage." She was laughing as she spoke, between her crazy thoughts and him talking about barking at her, she couldn't hold it back. "No dog jokes, ya jerk."

Cane snickered like a, well, a jerk. "Don' worry. Me an' Sal's pretty good at keepin' Were's in check. You's gon' be ok. We'll get'cha a nice pretty collar an' Ketch can take ya fer walks. We'll have ya housebroken in no time."

She squeaked and perked up. "Caaane!" She slugged his shoulder. "You're horrible. Now I'm convinced you and Sal are perfect for one another, both jerks." All smiles though because she had a very special fondness for the both of them. "Speaking of Ketch and collars." She looked down to check her phone. "I should probably go get locked up." She rolled her neck and cracked it side to side.

There's that 'stupid smile', thanks to her comment about the Spaniard. "What kind 'a precautions 'r y'all takin'? Where ya gon' be?"

"He's got a warehouse in Dockside, well I don't know if it's his but he's got access to it. It's got a safe room within a safe room and ...a cage." She frowned. "There are some chains and stuff." Her voice started to sound more nervous. "He's going to stay, I think, as long as he can in the room with me but he might have to leave if it gets bad and wait outside. Cris will be on standby for ah... damage control I guess."

"Do not let 'im be wit'cha in da cage. I know it'll be hard, you'll wan' 'im close, but...it ain' worth da risk." He said this, even though she already knew it. It was a reminder because when the time came, remembering would be difficult.

"Cris has my number, but give mine ta Ketch, too. So he can call if he needs anyt'in, yeah?"

"I know." She nodded. "He's very good at being tough with me. Standing up to me." Her smiled lit her eyes. "He won't give in, trust me." She stood up and tucked her phone into her pocket. "Ketch will have my phone, he'll text with updates if he can."

Watching her get up, Canaan couldn't keep the tongue ring from clattering wildly. He looked down and swallowed, leaning forward again to busy his hands with putting the guitar back in it's soft case. "Good, good. We'll, uh, we'll be waitin' ta hear."

"'Cane." She turned to face him and inserted herself into his space. With him sitting and her standing, she drew him close to hug him, his head near her belly. "You're not going to lose me." She felt better about believing that now and even brave enough to say it. "I can handle the change, if it happens."

The Cajun tucked his arms around her legs and hugged tightly. There were three things that could happen tonight. One of them made his chest ache in an all too familiar way. "Go on now, cher. Tell Ketch t'anks fer lettin' me have some 'a yer time." It was a precious commodity right now.

"I'll tell him. When this is all over, we're hanging out. I haven't got to terrorize you properly in too long." She broke away and started for the door. Just before she opened it, she paused and lifted a hand and then let it drop. "No goodbyes." And then she left.

(With thanks to Cane's player for this post. Song lyrics are taken from the Thompson Square song- Glass)