January 28, 2016
Sal

Some people don?t handle the winter well. It?s a time of depression and loneliness. The holidays are a peak time for people to commit suicide. Why is it that I find myself feeling the most alive during these cold and gray months? I had a conversation with Ketch recently, just before you guys left for Spain. We talked about a lot of things, surface things, safe things. We talked a little about the deeper things. He gave me secrets and I locked them away. I don?t know when I?ll ever get them again from him. One thing we talked about was December. He and I met in the month of December, it was just before the orphan christmas party last year. I remember everything about the night we met. I remember watching him walk in and I remember thinking, I have to talk to him. I have to see this guy smile. Somehow I think I knew even then that he would be my undoing.

I remember I was there alone without you guys, just two weeks prior we had gone to that night club, that awful night. I?m sure you guys don?t even think about it. Hell, you probably don?t remember the details of what happened. I remember them all. I remember the days after. I remember the talk at Kaos. I remember thinking that from that moment on I was going to have to be on my own. I had lost the two most important people in my life. (or so I thought) And so the night I met Ketch was a night I had been determined to go out on my own and really give coming out of my shell a shot. I was bold and strong and witty. I was everything I had ever wanted to be that night and in the coming weeks, through most of January even. That was the me he fell for. I just couldn?t hold on to her. It wasn?t until the end of winter and the beginning of spring that I began to lose myself. Right when I am supposed to be peaking, I began to wither and die. Your Snowdrop, your Campanilla. The sprout of springtime in winter. I am supposed to grow where others will not. I am supposed to thrive.

And here I am, wilting again.

This past December had some gloomy moments but I survived them all. I survived Shifra. I made it out alive and it was like this new beginning. Only, I had to relearn so much. I am still learning so much about who I am now that she is not a part of me. I had just begun to feel like I had my shit together. I loved myself, I really did. I was finally over the break up with Ketch. Things were going so well. We had our amazing IFL season.

Once Shifra was gone, so were many parts of me. Parts of her? I didn?t realize how deeply we were intertwined. I think that while she caused me so many problems, she also was sort of my coping mechanism. With her gone, so many things hit me again and it was like experiencing them for the first time. Feelings resurfaced, hopes, fears, love, hurt, so much and I wasn?t prepared for that. I went into survival mode and just processed it all as quickly as I could and put on December me and was determined to keep going, to live this new life. I found that strength that I had last year when I was prepared to step out on my own.

God she?s beautiful. She?s your brave girl Sal, the bravest girl you?ve ever known. She came back. I want to cling to her so badly but I feel her slipping through my fingertips.

I am mad that you're not here. I want you to be here. I need you to be here to tell me it's all going to be okay. To stand in your kitchen with me at two am and hug me so tightly I can't breath while you pet my hair and murmur comforting words in my ear. I need to hear you tell me to be brave. To tell me that I am brave, the bravest. I need your advice. I just need you. I haven't needed you this badly in so long. I need you to anchor me. To remind me how to breathe.

He undid me again. He came over just to catch up, to bring me tacos and my favorite latte. He had been meaning to since he found out about Shifra being removed, when my elbow was broken. The night that was just a few days before you left. I had stopped, I swear I had stopped looking at him like that. We?re friends. And then there he was again. And there I was. December me.

I?m ashamed to admit that I wanted to kiss him as we both sprawled comfortably in my living room. December me wanted to. She made me want to show him what he is missing, how bold and fearless I am, how much I?ve grown and changed. To remind him that the girl he fell for was still here. But I couldn?t. I couldn?t take that risk of losing what we have. I couldn?t take the risk that he has someone waiting on him, someone new who loves him, someone that he loves. And so we talked, we talked like we hadn?t in so long and I think some of the tears in my heart began to open again because when they opened, I felt that lingering feeling of hope numbing the pain.

What if?

In the days after that, it was like I was on a high. December me was in full force and determined.

And it was during those days that I met him.

I met Josiah.

February 9, 2016
Cane


I write these letters that I will never give to you or Sal and so in them I can pretend that I have and that Sal has shared with you the words I wrote to him.

In these pages I can take a moment to thank you.

I can tell you that you set the precedent for how I want to be treated.

I think I know that you have regrets. Maybe regrets isn?t the right word, but maybe you think that you should not have been my first. Maybe you should not have been anything at all.

Please know I will never regret that experience. I will never regret how perfect that night was or the things that you taught me that I?ve only just begun to understand.

You taught me about consent, you taught me how to feel like a confident woman, you taught me how to act on something I want, you taught me that I am worth exploration and attention, you taught me that I can handle intimacy, you taught me that there was nothing wrong for the things I desired. You did not judge me. You did not push me away. You just helped me to discover myself in one of the most beautiful ways.

These are lessons that I did not realize would be so important until now.

You see, I have spent a great deal of time disbelieving my self-worth, because of this, I have shied away from asking for some of the things that I want and from speaking up. I know me? Have trouble speaking up. It?s true.

I have been fortunate enough to have dealings with mostly good guys, please don?t think that any of them have treated me badly. They haven?t. It?s just that, things haven?t always gone the way that I needed them to in order to grow and thrive. I thought I liked how things were, how my relationships worked, how my version of intimacy worked. Instead of coming out and directly saying ?this is what I need.? I would compromise or push those things aside thinking they were unimportant. I would create issues out of nothing and focus on those rather than the core problems. I asked only for what I thought I was deserving of, which was not always good.

It wasn?t until a few nights ago with Josiah that I understood the lesson you taught me, perhaps without even knowing you did. He reminded me of those things.

You see, going slow is new for me. It is not something I?ve done. Ever since you, I jumped in head first. This time, I had someone who was in no rush either and yet, he took the time to please me in ways other men tend to be reluctant to do. He took the time to make it known that I was desirable and he did want me. He made sure I understood that his desire to go slow had everything to do with the value he has placed on me and did not want me to doubt myself. He explained that he found satisfaction in seeing me smile and in waking up to me well rested. And that was enough.

I was enough.

Giving up control is hard for me, I overthink things in excessive ways to try and control everything around me. Lately I have been feeling so out of control, so confused and overwhelmed. I felt like I was beginning to lose myself. And then he gave control back to me in doses I could manage and I started to find me again.

We went to the opening of the casino. It was lovely. It is a bit loud there, but I managed. Josiah kept me close and we kept to the less populated areas. We ended up spending a night together on the ship and that night reminded me so much of my night with you. He made his intentions known before we were in the heat of the moment, he gave me plenty of time to think on what he wanted to do. Time to think on what I wanted to do and he gave me a chance to explain to him what I wanted and needed, what I was capable of giving to him, and he amended his intentions where necessary to make sure I felt in control of the situation and not at all coerced or caught up in the rush. He drew a bath for me and washed my hair and we talked. It was perfect.

He gave me everything that you taught me I deserve.

I wasn?t ready for that.

February 22, 2016
Sal


I AM SO STUPID!

I was reading over my last letter to you and it?s like HELLO. Lightbulb! Ding ding. Hammer to the head, hey Sabine!

I don?t love him. I?m not still in love with him. I didn?t want to kiss him, not really.

I love the idea of still being in love.

I love the pain, the misery, the hurt because it?s what I know. It is what has become comfortable and normal. And if there is anything I hate, it?s change. I hate change. Without those complicated feelings, what else is there? Nothing. There is nothing left. Those feelings were the last desperate attempts at not letting go, at not having to truly change, of having to face the discomfort of letting go of what I thought I knew and wanted. Those things were anchoring me to a ship that had sailed and I was drowning in it?s wake.

Holy shit.

Are we all so fucking stupid about love? I mean is this like the entry level training course for life?

FAIL.

I wasn?t holding on to a person, I was holding on to feelings. Feelings that didn?t even really exist. Fears more so. I was holding on to fears and hurt.

Letting go isn?t easy because I feel like a failure. I don?t like losing, I don?t like giving up, and those are two things that I am having to deal with. It?s not even about losing him, it hasn?t been about that in a very long time. So much of it just has been about me. About me being ready to admit that it didn?t work and no matter how much I revisit it and cut it open and explore it, it isn?t going to change the ending. And that ending was the right ending. Like I told Cane, two people can love one another, but that isn?t always enough to make it work.

I will always love him, but that love has changed.

His ex is here, maybe. At least last I heard, it was believed to be her. I?m happy for him. He needed answers. Fuck I don?t know, closure. I hope he gets it. I hope he?s smart about it because I?m like 99% sure she?s insane. Not like my kind of insane, the adorable sort (ha!) but like the really fucking psycho, like shave off one of your eyebrows while you?re sleeping so you have to go through the horror of shaving off the other one yourself when you wake up and see. I just want him to be safe and happy. I don?t think we can want much more than that for the people we love. I hope he knows what he is doing.

I sort of feel that maybe pieces of him were hidden within her or there were pieces reserved for the possibility of him finding her again, not even to be with her again, but just unresolved things. Maybe that isn?t true, maybe it?s not fair to guess at things I do not know. It does make me realize though, how much more that I need to let go, if I am to really try with Josiah. How can I move forward if I am looking back? I can?t leave my pieces with him, thinking I can be put together by the same person who broke me. I have changed and those pieces won?t fit anyway, not anymore. I?m not the same person I was a year ago, not even a few months ago.

I am her Sal. I am December me. I am her and she is me. There are still days when I overthink, nights when I spend more time awake crying than I do sleeping, days when the world is just too much and I need to hide away. But I am also fucking fierce. I am witty and silly and have these bursts of over the top confidence. I am awkward and sometimes I am selfish. I am also giving and I am loyal. I don?t have to be one or the other. I can be all of these different parts and that?s fine. I used to think that I had to hide away parts of myself or tailor myself in order to fit.

I look back at how you came into my life, the way you accepted me just as I was and through all of my changes and my growth. You never required anything of me but for me to be me. And that?s how it should be. I will never be soft and delicate, I will not always be brave and unaffected, but I can be okay with knowing I am a little off center and that I am multifaceted. I can accept that there is no telling what you may get with me. And that?s okay. I don?t have to fit a mold, I just have to be honest with who I am. Maybe it?s okay to admit I don?t know exactly who that is and there isn?t some ideal, I just am.

The more I try to find who I am, the more I realized that we are all works in progress and we are all constantly changing. Some more than others and all at different paces, but when we die? We all die unfinished works. So what is the point of trying to become a masterpiece anyway?

So maybe I don?t need to be defined by a career, a talent, clothes, anything. I just have to do the things that matter to me and enjoy the shit out of whatever comes my way. I said I wanted him to be happy, that when you love someone, that?s what you want for them. Well, what about yourself? How often do we stop and think about what is making us happy? I didn?t and maybe that?s because for a long time I did not love myself. That has changed though and with that I know now that it isn?t selfish to want to be happy and it isn?t selfish to go for the things that can contribute to that or to cut out the things or people who can do nothing for you. It?s my unfinished piece, I can alter it any time I fucking want to. After all, we?re a pack, and if it?s one thing you have taught me it?s that we are lions and we don?t listen to the opinions of sheep.

And so, for the first time, maybe ever? I am just comfortable and happy. Content. But that is hard to get used to as well.

I have become so used to having drama in my life that I don?t know how to react when things are just calm, when things are going right. I was raised around constant drama and turmoil that it feels so normal, as much anxiety as it causes me, it was the only thing I knew. Without it, things didn?t feel right, I didn?t know how to be content. I still don?t know how to be content, it almost feels? boring.

Do you worry about getting bored?

How do two people fall in love and stay in love forever and it never gets boring? I see people like Mason and Eva, married people, and although they are a rarity in Rhydin, they seem genuinely happy. There are people like you with your multiple lovers and complex relationships and you always make it work, even when it takes a lot of effort. Does it ever feel stagnant or boring? I?m scared of that.

I used to think I had to be with someone who could teach me all sorts of things and that if they couldn?t teach me something, then things might get boring. For instance Ketch could teach me about the world, people, cars. Jacob could teach me fun things like skateboarding and driving. I never stopped to consider what I had to offer someone. What I could teach someone. How can I make someone better. I never considered that I might have someone who even viewed me as someone who could teach them something or would want that.

That is something I have thought about with Josiah. There is so much that he can teach me, but there are things I can teach him and bring to the table too. And he appreciates me teaching him things. It makes me feel important and like I am not lacking in what I can give him. I?m not just taking anymore? and I know I take a lot. I know it takes a lot of mental and emotional effort to be with someone like me. It?s nice to feel that I am worthy, not because he tells me so (and he does) but because I know I am and I can do things that make me feel like I am not just taking but giving back and putting forth real effort. It?s nice to feel like I am on equal footing and to have my fears soothed not by his words that he gives me, the ones that tell me he wants to be with me, but soothed by the fact that I know I am worth this. I deserve this.

As much as I wanted to give you and Cane these letters, I am keeping them. I am keeping them, especially this one because I know there will be times I forget what I am and I will read this as a reminder. I will know that I am a work in progress, ever changing, sometimes ugly, sometimes beautiful, undefined, and not confined by ideals of what others think I should be. And it?s okay.

I am your Campanilla and there is so much strength in finally understanding what that really means.