October 13th

I don't even...

How do I start? Where do I start?

Hot damn.

How is that for a start?

I don't make any sense most of the time. I wish I could figure out what the hell I want. Not only do I confuse myself, but I think I confuse the hell out of the Cajun too (and probably everyone else.) Something tells me though, that he kind of likes it. I don't like it. I don't like feeling this confused. Why can't things just be easy? Why do there have to be thoughts and feelings. Uhhh. There are different feelings though. There are like these feelings like, what my body feels, and then these feelings in my head and my heart. They are so conflicting. Trying to explain that to Cane was hard. I think I gave up trying to explain and just went with what felt right in the moment. I had to shut my brain down. Not thinking, while probably very stupid was beneficial in me being able to actually tell him what the hell I wanted. It was kind of awesome. I'll get to that...

Some things are getting easier for me. I feel like there are some people I can just approach and it doesn't give me anxiety or send me into a panic. I'm learning how to interact with people in normal ways. Kind of. In my own way. Okay, I'm still a weirdo, but it's getting better. One step forward, two steps back most days, but at least I'm not stagnate. It's nice to feel at ease with some people though, I like that part. I've made more progress in two or three months than I had in years. My tics have even lessened when I am with certain people. I guess a lot of it has to do with my feeling more comfortable around them.

Last night was... wow wow weezuh! It started out normal enough I suppose. Except the fact that I was wearing a short skirt. What the hell was I thinking? My intentions were to go find Sal and Cane and to apologize to them for being such a bitch the other night. I thought that if I looked, well, pretty, maybe it'd help me. Kind of awful, huh? Maybe I'm more like my mom then I want to admit. Trying to use my body to get me out of a bad situation. Not that I think I'm all that special when it comes to looks, but I thought if I looked less like a hobo, maybe it'd help.

I have to admit, I don't think I'll ever forget the way Salvador looked at me. I think it was the first time in my life that I have ever felt beautiful. ?You look good.? he said. I was content to just go and sit on the couch then and wait for him while he dueled. After his duel, things got busy. His love stopped by, so he went to sit with him. Cane had come by then, so I went and sat with him. I got to apologize to him first. I was all in knots about it, but he forgave me as if it were nothing. Gave me a kiss to boot, a small one, but lovely nonetheless. I like that I don't know what to expect from him. I live my life by the rules and have schedules and I normally hate surprises, but I kind of like that I don't know what to expect from Cane. He had called me a slattern too. I didn't know what that meant at the time. I think he thought I looked...different. In a good way.

Anyway, I tried to ask what that word meant, but no one really wanted to answer me. They, Cane, this guy Cris, and eventually Sal who joined us when Sin left, all talked over one another to toss out meanings. ?Vixen.? HA! ?Minx.? Double HA! ?Beautiful, beautiful girl?, Sal said and then ?sexy.? They were all liars, but I was too content with Sal there now, looming over me. He kissed the top of my head after telling me it meant beautiful. That's why everyone loves him. He does these little things. I don't think he even realizes it. But in the moments when you least expect them, in the spaces between time when no one is paying attention, the forgotten moments between one and the next... that's when he is the most beautiful. He doesn't say much, he's not exactly poetic, but he just does these little things and I think coming from him, they mean the world to people like me. He is naturally charming and not in a forced way, it just happens, like breathing. When no one is paying attention, those are the moments I like to be with him the most. Those are the times that he takes my breath away. Just thinking about him like that makes me want to cry. I had once said that I had no hope, that hope wasn't something I would give into. If I had hope then I would have to care and if I care about one thing, then I'll have to care about everything. Hope was a brittle crutch, too rickety for me to lean myself upon. That's what I thought. But the more I think about him, he who is so broken, a monster even at times, if he can show this kind of beauty and spread his warmth to lost souls like me... then maybe there is hope. Maybe there is something inside of me that is worth not giving up on. I don't think he knows at all just how perfect he is in all of his imperfections. It doesn't stop me from worrying about him though. I know that he does not see himself as I see him. We never do. Do we?


Me and my rambling. Back to the slattern talk and Sal kissing my head...The talking continued after that. He told me again that he thought I looked very nice. And then, I apologized to him. ?It's nothing, Nena.? he told me. I know I shouldn't feel special when he calls me Nena. Just like when Cane calls me Cher. But at those times, I feel like the most special girl in the world. And I know that I don't own those names, I know they say them to other girls. It's just a natural part of their speech. But it means something to me. I feel like someone in those moments. Someone who actually matters. I just want to wrap those words around me and sink into them like warm bath water. Nena. Cher. Maybe it's the way they say them. Both of them, it's like their voices caress the words before letting them fall so sweetly from their mouths. The moment always feels tender and sweet, like it is reserved for me only. It makes me shiver just thinking about it. If I never heard any other words for the rest of my life, it would be okay. Those words mean everything to me.

It wasn't much later that Sal was gone and then Cris too. Hell, pretty much the entire room had cleared out, but I hadn't noticed. I lose track of time when I'm with these guys. I guess they're just really good at distracting me, I'm not counting the minutes until I can run away and hide anymore, no, instead I am too busy enjoying myself to care. Now I count the minutes until I see them again. Until I matter again. Until I am someone.

Being there with just Cane was dangerous.

Really dangerous.

This is where the hot damn comes in and me being able to tell Cane exactly what I wanted.

I know it's not the same, but if the burning I felt for him is anything like Sal feels when he wants to eat someone. Then I get it now. I get why it's dangerous for him to be around me when he wants me. Because I wanted to devour Cane. Rules be damned. Fuck giving a shit. I just... wanted him. It was the strangest feeling. I don't know what got into me.

But I know what I wanted to be in me.

Him. (I've been spending too much time with guys. But I have needs too!... apparently. Who knew?!)

*********.

One way ticket on the skank express, destination: Whore-Town. Passenger name: Sabine Gabriel.

Is this how it is? Is this being what 18 feels like? Being a.... becoming a woman? Or is it just him? And, well okay, I've obviously been noticing others. I'm like a fucking cat in heat. Disgusting. That's super gross. True, but gross. It works for them, they all do what they want and what feels right and I'm cool with that, but for me, I have rules! And I want to break all of them.

It's not like I'm waiting for Prince Charming or some epic love story. I don't believe in that bullshit. My Mother lost herself in the bottom of bottles, while being bent over the kitchen table by a different man every night trying to find her love story. If she could have loved herself. If she could have loved me. She didn't know how to love. And I don't either, I don't know how to love. I'm content with that fact, I just don't want to make her mistakes. That's what kept me from wanting to have sex. I have a very black and white, clinical idea of what sex is or what it should be. I don't think it solves anything or gives life meaning. Sex certainly does not equal love. I will never confuse the two, if and when I decide that I want to do -it-.

I'd be lying if I said that it hadn't crossed my mind last night. Sex. Things became so intense between Cane and I once we were alone. He plays and he shouldn't be playing with me he said. Kissing and all of that, it means nothing to him. He doesn't want to corrupt me. It almost seemed like he wanted to apologize for giving me my first kiss. I asked him ?Are you quite done?? after his pacing and his little speech. I think I surprised him. I said so much, I don't even remember it all now. I know that I basically told him that I wasn't looking for anything, I wasn't looking for meaning, or love, or any of that. I was just looking to feel good, without feeling anything. He looked pretty amused and relieved even with what I said and then he tried to make excuses again, telling me he was too old and that he didn't want to take advantage. How could he take advantage when it was being offered up freely I asked. I knew exactly what I was asking, even if I wanted to deny it at the time. I wanted him to make me feel good. In. Every. Way. Possible. In ways that I knew a man like him would be able to. That man is sex on a stick. It oozes off of him. If I am going to do it, I should it right. Right?

At this point, I was getting the hang of things. I kept my brain shut down and let my body do the thinking. I was flirting. Actually, honest to the Gods, flirting. I almost think I was good at it. Too good. I cannot even begin to reconcile these two halves of myself today. The innocent mouse and whoever the hell else I was last night. Who was she and where has she been all my life? Anyway, Que Sera, Sera. That's what I told him when he wanted a straight answer about what I was asking him for. Sex. He wanted to know if I was asking him for sex. Whatever will be, will be. That was my answer. I wasn't asking him for it, but I surely wasn't taking it off the table.

And then. Then he threw a bucket of cold water on me. He called me Slattern again. This time he told me what it meant. It was only a joke, but he couldn't understand how it would affect me. Harlot he said. Harlot is just a fancy word for whore. Like my Mother. My tics started to go crazy then and all I could think about was her. I hate her so much. And in that moment I decided that she wasn't going to ruin this for me. I wasn't going to over think things and I certainly was not going to think about her. No, this was about me and me feeling good. And Cane? He knew exactly what it would take to make me feel good.

As I stalked towards him, I silently pleaded for him to make me forget her. Make me forget everything. By the time I reached him, I could see that I had him. He didn't give me any more excuses. He was up on his feet. He held my face in his hand and soothed the tic away with his thumb. He didn't watch the tic though, he watched me. I felt like he was really seeing me. That part of me that mattered. The part of me that is someone. Someone who matters. ?You have to say it.? He told me. He needed to hear me tell him what I wanted. What I needed.

In that moment, his touch was everything. It was so intimate, so reassuring. He and Sal slowly keep giving me what I need. Exactly what I crave. Touch. No one had ever touched me the way they had. They both are so gentle with me, knowing exactly the way I need to be handled. So I asked him. Because I had never felt as safe or wanted or more human than in that moment.

?Please kiss me again.?...

"And then take me home and kiss me more. And then... Que Sera, Sera."
The last of my request was breathed into his mouth because his was on mine before I could even finish. He was picking me up and dragging me with him as he sat himself on a table and stood me before him so that we would be level. He was slower this time, tender, he coaxed me into participating and I eagerly joined in. I tasted him, I savored the moment, raked my teeth on his lip, and dug my fingers into the skin at the base of his head, trying to bury myself in him. He seemed pleased by my eagerness and the way I returned the kiss. We had to slow things down then. We needed to get back home. Sal's house where I stay sometimes. That's home for me.

?Let's go get you a story.? He said.

Fuck stories. I wanted to say that, but I will always want his stories, it was just that in that moment, talking was the last thing I had on my mind.
This morning, I am relieved to say that, Cane knew what I needed better than I did. We didn't sleep together. Things cooled off by the time we made it to my room. He seemed intent on just making me feel good and I was content with anything he would give me. He gave me my story. He gave me gentle caresses. And he kissed me goodnight.

He gave me everything.

October 17th

I should have never gotten into the shower.

After my shower, I thought I heard something. I called out. No answer. I was just spooked. The whole night had me on edge and lack of sleep was making me hallucinate. It was just Kavi. Dumb cat. It wasn't time for her to eat yet, but of course she wanted her food. I wandered to the kitchen in my towel and started filling up bowls for her. That's when I heard the shower turn on. Upstairs.

He was home. I was in the house, alone, with a killer.

I scrambled to put Kavi's bowls down so that I could get back into my room behind a locked door. No, instead Kavi wound around my legs as cats do, excited for food. She tripped me and I stepped on her tail. I dropped the bowls and slipped in the water.

Picking shards of glass from your bare legs while trying not to make a peep is not easy. There was blood all over my legs. The shower shut off then. I got the biggest pieces that I could see and feel in the dark from my legs and then scooted back away from the mess and got up. Very quietly I got up. The shower had only just shut off. I should be able to make it to my room. I looked across the room, the distance wasn't far. I turned to make my escape and then I felt a chilling rush of air behind me. I didn't even have time to make a sound before there was a cold hand wrapping around my wrist and spinning me around.

If I thought that Aoife, Sin, or Skid had a gaze that could draw you in, I had been wrong. His eyes, they were the eyes of a murderer. He looked tired though. I still saw my friend in there somewhere. Even staring death in the eyes, I still could not tear myself away from his feral beauty. This was it. This is what I had wanted. We'd both get what we wanted. Regardless, I knew I was fucked and I was ready to choke on my fear. I wasn't supposed to fear him. This was happening all wrong. It was supposed to be easy. He was going to feed off of me and I was going to get to feel everything, everything I had ever wanted, and then it would all stop. The pain would stop. I would go comfortably numb and I would just float away into the welcoming arms of death. ?You're bleeding.? rumbled almost thoughtfully. He wasn't staring at me, he was staring at my bloody legs. ?I am.? because what else could I say? I thought I was smarter than all of this. Of course I am, I just have no common sense.

Fucking the Cajun.

It was about that time, the time when I was trying to come to terms with my fate and reassure myself that this is what I wanted, that the door burst open.

?I'm sorry.? I said to the figure in the doorway, visible to us from the hallway. I was going to die and it was no one's fault but my own. I hadn't regretted that until I saw him. Until I saw Cane. A flood of emotion hit me all at once. I had laid with this man several nights now, him telling me his stories which I was coming to realize were really his secrets. I had told him things I had never told anyone. I made him promises, ones that I had actually planned on keeping. I had never promised anyone anything before. And here I was, the first promise I made him, I was breaking it. Only hours later. ?I can't lose anyone else either.? his words played through my mind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was so torn. I had wanted to die and then I didn't. If anything because of my promise but part of me realized that I wanted to live. I didn't want to die. I had only started living. I hated Cane in that moment. He ruined everything. He walked right into my life and fucked every resolve I had.

Seeing him barreling down the hallway at us, our brief times together flitted through my mind. Sweet Cajun. What had I done? He was a mess, a night spent with the monster in defense of me had left him broken and bloody, yet here he was again, not giving up on me. Saving me.

?No no no.? I pleaded. Don't do this for me. I'm not worth it. Sal's grip tightened around my wrist then, he was not going to let go of his prize. I squeezed my eyes shut and braced for the impact. Sal slammed backwards and I was flung into the wall beside him, he still had his hand around my wrist which I was sure was now fractured. Cane closed in again and then everything got hot. No, I wasn't fucking turned on like a crack whore watching her pimp beat a Joe for payment. It was actually hot. Cane was raging. His hand was around the one Sal had on my wrist. He was burning him. Actually burning him until he let me go. I even felt the heat. Just when I thought it was becoming too much, Sal released me. I just sunk to the floor. I couldn't handle this.

The Cajun was deadly, far more than I ever thought he could be. I didn't picture him as a threat to Sal's Monster. How wrong I was. It all happened so fast and I wasn't doing anything besides being a useless twit in a heap. It was the crack of Sal's skull that brought me back to the here and now and I watched him slide into an awkwardly angled heap. It was the most horrific sound I had ever heard. Cane forced Sal to drink something then, a sleep potion I guess and then he went down himself.

My towel was gone at this point as I knelt beside Cane. ?What do I do?? He was injured. How did I help him? Should I help Sal? Should I just leave?

?Are you okay?? he asked. I assured him I was. Aside from the cuts that were my own fault and a possibly broken wrist, I was fine.

?What did he do to you?? questioned then. ?Nothing.? Nothing you big idiot. He didn't have time before you came barging in to save the day and fucking get yourself killed. I wanted to kick his ass myself at the moment. Quit worrying about me. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth it Cane. I'm not worth you.

But I want to be.

?Go get dressed.? he said. ?We need to leave.? I actually listened to him for once in my god damned life. I threw on whatever I could find and easily get on with one hand.

?Let's go Cher.?

He said very little after we left. I could tell he was in pain but he was trying to hide it from me. He brought me back to his apartment. I thought it was nice, some would say it was dingy and too small.

Once we were in the privacy of his apartment, he let me have it.

?Stay away from Sal.?

?You're moving out of there.?

?You're quiting your job. I'll find you a new job.?

?You're not to see him again.?

?You're not even going to leave this apartment.?

I just agreed. What else could I do? I wasn't going to give him hell right now. I owed this man everything. It was the least I could do. I just nodded along as he spoke. I didn't even bother to apologize then. It would have been meaningless to him. He was so mad at me. I should be used to that, but I still hated it.

He went to do something. Clean up maybe. He came back, a little calmer. Changing his mind as he always did.

?Forget what I said. Just... no Matadero, Cher.?

I nodded tearfully as I thought of everything I would be giving up. I didn't want to give up the only place that had ever felt like home. I certainly didn't want to give up the man who resided there. Killer or not, he was my friend. I saw him, not the Monster. Besides, this wasn't his fault. It was mine. I did this. I knew what could happen and I continued to taunt and tempt him. There was no one to blame but me.

Stupid girl.

It was moments later that Cane was shoving me into a closet and telling me to stay put and to be quiet. Someone was at the door.

I heard him speak. Sinjin.

There were words said and then he was gone as quickly as he came. Cane was back to raging. I don't know if he was scared of hurting me or what, but he told me he needed to be alone. To sleep. I didn't think it to be a wild request. He had a long night and morning. He healed my wrist for me and then I left him alone and went to the couch. It wasn't long before I fell asleep.

It was dark when I woke up. I startled at first, not remembering where I was. Cane was gone but there was a blanket draped over me. I held it to myself with one hand as I ran a hand through my hair, just stunned. I was completely exhausted. I didn't have my medicine and had missed two doses already. My tics were not bothersome yet, but there were other small things that I noticed. I had to find Cane, get my medicine. Get a bra. I hadn't been able to get one on before with just one hand. I left his apartment and headed to the Inn but once I got there and I saw him. Saw Cane at the bar, so exhausted. I couldn't bother him. I kept my distance. It wasn't long though before I was cracking up.

Cass was there. And with her? Her Mother. Sal's Mother. Faye.

They noticed my unease. Faye called me to her. I wondered if she knew, if they knew. Did they hate me? What were they going to do? I was such a mess. Laughing hysterically, crying, I cussed at Sal's Mother. I yelled at her.

?My son has caused this poor child a great deal of distress.? I heard her say to Skid.

That's when I yelled at her.

?No. Do not blame him. Nobody gets to blame him!" I still can't believe that I yelled at her. But how could she say that? She obviously knew what had happened. It was me. All me.

Cass tried to soothe me. She had wiped away a tear and whispered something to me that I didn't understand. Faye tried to calm me as well. I was so rude to her. And yet, she just stayed calm.

?They're not going to let him see me anymore.? I told her. They'd all keep me from Salvador.

?And who are they to keep you from doing what you wish to do, Sabine?"
"He is going to kill me and he'll blame himself. I can't do that to him."
It was then that Faye told me what Cass had done. My tears, those words she had said that I did not understand. A powerful blessing of protection. And then Faye? She caught one of my tears as well, when she opened her hand there was now a teardrop shaped jewel on a silver chain.

?Should reason fail him.? she had said. It was a second protection. I was in shock. I questioned her. I laughed. I cried again. Why would she do that for me? I could really be around Sal? He wouldn't hurt me?

?I do this for him.? she told me. "Because he cares for you, child, and I know my son. He would never forgive himself should you come to harm by his own hands, let alone any other."

Not just a protection from Sal, but others too. I thanked her profusely for understanding. This was about him, all about him. I was so upset not just because I was losing him, but because I knew he would blame himself.
"You are quite welcome, sweet child. His friends are rare and few. You do him a service more than cleaning up after him." and then she winked at me.

I kept thanking her, I asked her if I should hug her. I'm not really a hugger and I was not sure what the protocol here was. Thankfully, she is not a hugger either. I liked her more because of that. I couldn't stay any longer. I had to see Sal.

I was racing through the Marketplace then, trying to get to Matadero as fast as I could. That's when I saw Cane. I could tell him. Everything could be normal and fine. I could be around Sal.

Everything was not fine.

Cane thought I was insane. Insane for wanting to go to Sal after he tried to kill me. Insane for trusting a Fae. He wouldn't come with me and he didn't want me to go. But I had to. The way he looked at me. I'll never forget it. I could not only feel him withdrawing from me, but I could see it in his eyes. He was giving up on me. I think I felt my heart break. Please don't look at me like that, I wanted to beg of him.

"You're not going to lose me. I promise." I echoed his words back to him. I could keep this promise. Sal wasn't going to hurt me and in turn, I was not going to hurt Cane.

As I stood on the steps to Matadero, I said silent prayers to a God that does not exist. I pleaded for the pendant to work. For Cane. Please let me return to him. I need to return to him safely. For Sal. For me.

And then I went in.

I couldn't help myself when I saw him sitting there. He was still on the couch. He just looked lost. So tired and lost. But it didn't stop me. I was so excited. So happy. I fell at his feet. I hugged myself to him, my head in his lap. I don't think he knew what to make of me. He said nothing at first. I climbed into his lap. I touched him. He still was so silent and unmoving. I tried to explain about the pendant. He asked a few questions. I told him. It was working. It was really working. He kept telling me not to apologize.
"Don't you dare fucking apologize to me.?

Oh Salvador. I will never blame you. Usted es mi ancla y mi salvacion. You have delivered me from hell and now it is time for me to find my way through. You have given me a gift. I only hope that I can make use of it.

I did listen to him though and I quit apologizing. And I listened when he asked me to stop. When he told me to go. ?Please.? he said. He was so tired. He couldn't know how much I wanted to stay. Besides, this wasn't about me. This was about him. I had wanted to see him. I had wanted to make sure he was okay. It didn't matter what I wanted right then. I told him I just needed to get a few things. My medicine, my bra, my journal. I forgot my phone charger. It's dead. It's been dead for a little while now. I changed too, put on clean clothes. He told me I didn't have to leave. He was telling me I could stay in my room. He just needed space, I guess. But then he recalled Cane's words. Cane had told him to stay away from me.
?Cane is not the boss of me.? I told him defiantly.

?I'll be back. Just take it easy.? I tried to smile as I left him there. He looked horrible. I needed to sort some things out, but first I wanted to go see Cane. I wanted to show him that I was okay. I wanted to show him that he was wrong. I wanted to make amends. I wanted for him to see that he wasn't losing me. I don't think it mattered anymore though.

I made it to Cane's apartment, just before knocking I heard noises. Loud noises. Women. My hand went flat against the door and I rested my head against it, struggling to breath as the cool night air burned my lungs. I wasn't jealous. Not at all. It wasn't about who he was fucking. It was about why and when. I was hurt. We were all hurting and we were all digesting our pain in ways that would only make it worse. In ways that were sure to continue to poison us and make us sicker.

?Why do you do this?? I asked, of course he would not hear me. I moved to the side and slid down. I don't know how long I stayed there. It could have minutes, it could have been hours. It was so fucking cold but I didn't care. I wouldn't freeze to death, I would just be uncomfortable and I welcomed it. At some point I left. I've been wandering ever since, aimlessly. Thinking. Crying. Trying to figure out where to go from here and what the Universe is trying to teach me.

You want me alive. Here I am. What now? Are these two men supposed to be my guardian angels? I think you need to rethink the appointment process. Just sayin.

I've skinned my nose on the bottom, please let it go up from here.

I'm so tired.

October 22nd

Cane got my letter.

He read it.

He came and found me at the Inn.

He tossed me over his shoulder and carried me outside, depositing me nicely on the swing.

"I ain't sure how long ya done slipped this under my door, but I just got it a couple of hours ago. Went looking for ya soon as I could." he said.
PHEW! Well, it was going better than I thought it would, so far. I thought he was going to toss me right out my ass and leave me outside. I've never been tossed over anyone's shoulder before. The view was quite nice from where I hung. Hellllllllo Cajun!

He looked pretty tired. As tired as I felt. I don't know if his reasons for being tired were similar to mine or not. I assume not. I can't imagine he was tied up in knots over our 'argument.' No, he was probably busy tying someone else up in knots. Buuut, that's a mental picture I am going to try and NOT imagine. 'Cause OH. MY.

Great, now I'm thinking of naked men. Penises are weird looking by the way. I don't think I'll ever see one and think ?Oh I need that in my mouth.? or something like that. But what do I know about sex and why people do what they do? I never thought I'd have a tongue in my mouth either, but I liked that! Wouldn't mind doing it again either.

Oh yeah, back to Cane and the letter.

?You arn't mine to control. And I apologize for trying to do that.? he said next.

Well color me shocked. BWAH?! I wasn't mad at him at all. I knew he had only tried to keep me from Sal out of concern. I told him then that it was nice of him to care and it had been a long time since anyone cared enough to try and boss me around. It was hard to understand what he was saying next. It just came in snippets, not really making a lot of sense. I think he was having a hard time with all of this. Emotions clearly are not his thing. I got his point though, he just wanted to forget and move on. I told him that was fine. I was eager to move past things, but I just wanted them left there. I didn't want any weirdness. He sighed then.

?I do care, Bean.? Hold the phone. A nickname all of my own. It was pretty damn sweet. I don't know if he meant it to be, but the look on his face, the tone of his voice, all of it was perfect. I would have thrown my panties at his face in that moment. Anything he wanted, it could have been his. NOT that he wants me. I would never assume something like that. Anyway... ?Much as I wish I didn't, I do.? he said next and then told me it was hard watching me go back to Sal's and that I'm not his control and that he hoped the pendant would work. Damn straight I'm not yours. I am no ones. My Mother never wanted me, never claimed me unless she had to. I'm used to being on my own, I'm used to belonging to no one but me and I like it that way. Most of the time. Even if it was nice that he cared. I guess I go back and forth on that. Wanting to be someone's and ? not. One day I will figure out where I belong.

I told him to go on showing he cares just how he does and I'd try not to be a bitch about it.

?I almost wish you hadn't given me this letter. I would have been better if you didn't have me in your life. I'm not different than him.? Sal he meant. He was calling himself a Monster or something. Or telling me he'd end up hurting me. Hasn't he learned that I have no sense of self preservation? As much as I hate all of the emotions and the internal conflict, I would rather feel everything than to go back to feeling nothing. Even if everything means being broken and beaten and bloody. At least it's something. But I have hope. It's new and scary, but I have it. Hope leads to faith and I do have faith in him. In the fact that he can be better than whatever he is running from. Better than whatever tortures him. I have faith that I can be better than my Mother.

?We are all monsters in our own right. We are all capable of ruin.? I told him. I squeezed his hand then, trying to give him a show of support. I didn't like him talking about himself that way. Even if it's the truth, I'm not scared. He may not be a typical nice guy, but I accept him just how he is. Just like I accept the rest of our patched up little group of friends. I felt hopeful that things were going well, that things really could go back to how they were. He told me then that yes, he'd still tell me his stories. Smiled even. I could tell this was hard on him, me too. Being just us, having a conversation like this. There was so much to say and yet it was just too hard. I said we should go inside and get a drink. I couldn't handle anymore of the emotions and feelings at the moment and he seemed to be relieved at the suggestion. I did ask him, if he had nothing else to do, if he'd stay with me that night. I hadn't slept in days and was so tired. I knew I'd sleep better if he was with me. If he was telling me his stories.

We went inside then and things were fine. He slung some drinks. Harlow joined us. Sal was there. It was easy, until some racist jerk started spouting off at the mouth about witches or something. Cane looked pissed. I had forgotten what he was. I think I fell asleep during the part of the story where he revealed that. Harlow and I chatted more than anything. She's very sweet. In fact, later that night I ran into her at Teas n' Tomes. We talked for a bit. We talked about how we came to this part of Rhydin and why. I thought she was very brave from not being afraid of picking up and starting over. She didn't seem to think so. We spoke about Cane as well, since we both know him. I think the two of them would get along -very- well. I tried to make sure that she knew we were just friends. I'm sure with the way we hang out it might be easy to assume otherwise. I don't know if she has any interests and Cane sure as hell doesn't pretend to be like a one wo...one... thing kind of man. But yeah, I just felt the need to put it out there. I could be like the wing woman. If I'm not get any, I'll help others to get some. Not that I am sure that I want any. From anyone. Those things will just happen when and if they do.

I ended up inviting Harlow to stay with me for the night at Cass'. She didn't seem crazy about the place she's staying, so it was a small thing to offer if it'd give her some comfort. She accepted. We hung out in the hot tub and Cane did end up coming over. He was drunk, but behaved himself. He looked even more exhausted. He wouldn't tell me stories though, not with someone else present and I don't blame him. It actually just didn't come up, I knew and so I didn't ask for them. We all ended up in my bed. Nothing weird. Just a sleep over. Cane in the middle since he is the biggest and Harlow and I on either side. Cane ended up being very snugly that night, not touchy feely, but just cuddly. When I woke up, he was holding on to me so tightly and in a dead sleep. I tried to get out of his embrace because my bladder was screaming but he mumbled 'no' and just tightened his hold. Maybe he was having a bad dream or something. I laid there with him until he woke up and I said nothing about it. Maybe I should buy him a teddy bear. Everyone should have something to snuggle. Admittedly, I wouldn't mind snuggling with him whenever he wanted, or, when I wanted. He's very warm. I feel safe and I sleep well. The nightmares are bearable when he is there. I can't tell him that though. I don't want him getting the wrong idea or thinking that I am too attached and expect something of him. I am perfectly content to take whichever nights I am given. The same as spending time with any of my friends. It's a blessing to have them at all.
I made a late breakfast for us all and then we went our separate ways. I didn't see anyone yesterday, I stayed in and took it easy for the most part. I just needed a day to myself. I worked on my room a little more, gave Cass a cooking lesson and she helped me with dinner, and then we chilled out. I really like staying with her so far. She's a great host, really funny, and I like that she tells me the truth. I don't feel like she wants to fix me, but rather that she just wants to see me succeed in my own ways. Small victories. I am slowly gaining them.

Today I hung out at the Inn again. Not for long. Cane and his sister Petra were there and Sal. I got an ass smack and a kiss on the head from Sal. He knows just the way to my heart. Petra is gorgeous, like drop dead gorgeous. I mean, looking at her brother, could you expect any less? Holy hotness! She seems nice too, witty. She made a comment about Cane bedding all of Rhydin or something, I think she thought he and I have... You know. I was quick to correct her on that. Told her it wasn't like that between us. Cane gave me this ?Oh Really?? kind of look. WHAT THE HELL DID THAT MEAN?! Men!

Cass joined us as well, harassed Cane a bit and then me. Something about hair clogging up her hot tub. She only ended up joking though, it wasn't serious. She teased me about needing a brazilian, which I didn't know what that meant. And Cane needing to ?man-scape?, apparently he does that and Sal can vouch. I had to ask what a brazilian was. Texted her later to ask if I needed one. I didn't know if that was some kind of girl requirement. My mom didn't exactly sit down to have those mother-daughter heart to hearts about the birds and the bees. It was more like ?Mama is gonna fuck now. Get lost.? And I'd have to grab my homework from the kitchen table before there were naked bodies on it. Anyway, Cass says no, I don't -need- one. Some people just do it. It doesn't sound like it'd feel very good to me. Maybe guys like it? I can't imagine ripping out my own body hair for some guy though. Ow! I'll have to figure out a random way to bring it up to a guy friend and find out the thoughts on this. I wonder if that's what Cane's manscaping includes...

Crap. There's the images again. Get the fuck outta my head ya bastard. Penis still isn't cute. I wonder... no! No. No. Not wondering. I'm not going to wonder anything else. Too dangerous. BACK to my story.

Thorn came too, only Thorn wasn't Thorn. Exactly. She was a he. A curse, spell, 24 hour thing from her Grandfather, apparently. She's cute as a guy. I asked if she (he?) had a penis. Apparently it was a complete package. She told me not to say penis though. That it's dick or cock. Both sound a little crude, but what do I know? She has a penis, not me! I can't wait for her to be regular Thorn again though. Can't have us girls getting out numbered by guys. I left soon after. My mind was kind of blown and I was just wore out. I wanted to go and snuggle Kavi the dumb cat. I missed not really getting to see her this weekend. So I went to my room at Sal's and trapped her in the room with me for a while and passed out.

Anyway, that's about it. Things are pretty much back to the way they were. So I guess that's good.

(Super Rated-R)

October 25th

I'm a few days behind now. I don't even know where to start...once again.

My whole body hurts, every inch of me is aching. It's not painful though, it's addictive. It's a reminder. It's a wonderful distraction. If I could just feel this forever, this would be enough.

I guess I'd better back up. So, Skid and I just hung out the day following our sleep over. No weirdness or anything. We were just two friends running errands and having a good time. We ended up heading to the Inn that night to hang out and by this time he had changed back into regular Skid. I wasn't freaked out at all. I had gotten to know him in ways that I wouldn't have let myself before that. There was nothing to fear, even if he is called ?The Nightmare.? He's really funny and sweet even, I'm glad that I was wrong about him.

So we end up at the Inn and his... I don't know who she was, but she was there and they ended up hanging out and leaving together. Fine by me. He looked happy to see whoever she was and I like seeing my friends happy.

Cass was there, she mentioned something about us needing to talk and didn't stay much longer. I have a feeling that I know what it's about. I didn't exactly expect to suddenly have a social life and she probably didn't either. She's a private person and I've probably been taking advantage of her kindness. I'm an asshole. I haven't really been home to talk, but we will and I'll fix things.

Anyway, I wasn't at the Inn very long. The usual people were there. Cane and Chatty Cathy (a.k.a Evelyn) were at a table together. Things looked kind of heavy so I stayed away from there. I ended up pacing around, I just couldn't make myself sit down. Sal seemed to recognize my restlessness and pulled me over to him. He was sitting on a stool and he ended up caging me in, legs locking around mine and his hands on my hips. He buried his head in my hair, smelled me, pulled back and grinned and then kissed my forehead. He's such a fucking weirdo. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to figure out what I had been up to and I think he got it if that smile was any indication. His hands locked behind my back then. I called him a bastard, teasingly of course and asked him if he approved. Of course he would, he adores Skid. ?Mhm.? he said. I told him that I needed to kiss Cane for making me the drink that loosened me the hell up and him, just because I like kissing Sal.

Hell, I just like kissing. Making out is fun. I especially like kissing certain people though.

Anyway. He seemed intrigued by that and gave me this ?I dare ya? kind of look. I didn't know if he was just teasing me or what. Mouth on Mouth kisses with Sal are rare. So I asked him if he was teasing, if he was actually going to let me kiss him. He asked if who he was to stop me. So, I did. Like I'm going to pass that up! I went for it. I think I shocked the hell out of Sal, which was kind of awesome because I don't think he's shocked by people very often. Thankfully, he didn't leave me floundering and gave it right back. I was pretty proud of myself. I didn't swoon or go weak in the knees or forget to breath or anything. I actually kissed him back. He does all these little tender things, those sweet moments that I just love. Those moments don't scare me with him, it just feels like our thing. He handles me a certain way and I like it. Anyway, he was holding my face in his hands and I decided to try and bite his lip a little. It ended up ruining the moment I think. He ended up snarling and just stopped everything. Damn him.


I don't know what he was thinking in that moment, but I guessed it was something along the lines of not going too far/getting carried away/hurting me/ fill in the blank of whatever my misguided guardian angels think when they know they have to stop messing with me. I told him not to go and suddenly get a conscience.

He just gave me this look and said "Baby steps, pretty girl. You're not ready to handle me yet." and then that fucking bastardy smile was back. I love that smile. He and I teased one another then but our conversation got a little more serious. I told him that he was right though, I wasn't ready to handle him, but it was good for me to have goals. He was touching me again, I don't know when his hand was back on me, but it was on my shoulder now.

"You'll need a lot of stamina and 911 on speed dial if you want to get with me, pretty girl. Ask Cane how badly I'll wreck you." and I knew he wasn't lying. It was one of the reasons I was so attracted to him. He was dangerous and I was a moth to the flame when it came to him, from the moment we met. I told him that he was right though, I wasn't ready for him. I wasn't ready for anyone. In that moment, maybe I wasn't or maybe it was just me trying to talk myself out of having fun and exploring like I was dying to do. Whatever it was, I knew he was right. For the moment. I stepped away from him then, letting him know that I was going to Matadero to snuggle Kavi. I hadn't got much sleep the night before thanks to Skid, so I was pretty exhausted and I just needed some me time to recuperate from all the crazy. Kavi is a good snuggler and listener. I was going to tell Cane goodbye, but he looked busy. Really busy. Happy too. I wasn't going to mess that up, so I left.

I passed out pretty quickly which is rare for me, but I didn't stay asleep. I was half awake when my door opened. Even in the dark, I recognized him. Whatever startle I had felt faded away and I sat up, feet dangling over the bed.

?Cane.? Why was he there? I was certain he had plans with Evelyn tonight, just the way those two had looked. Why was he coming to my bed in the early morning hours? He looked exhausted and...I don't even know what else. I held out my hand to him, pulling him to the bed.

?You want to talk about it?? Even though I already knew what his reply would be. ?Just sleep.? he said.

?Okay.? I made room for him and he practically belly flopped onto the bed. I just sat there kind of not knowing what to do. I don't know if needed me or if he just didn't want to be alone, but I was going to try and just be there. I laid back down and lifted his arm and inserted myself beneath it and then curled my leg over his and just held him as best I could. I had said we all needed teddy bears, hadn't I? I guess I was being his. He did sleep and eventually so did I. We never talked about anything but that's okay. He and I don't need words. The touch was enough.

I spent the rest of Friday running around town from thrift store to thrift store and to a party store. There was some Halloween haunted house party kind of thing happening and I had never been to one. I decided to get a costume and to go. Except, I chickened out. I was afraid to go alone because let's face it, I'm chicken shit.

I texted Sal and asked him if he'd go with me. I did really want to go but I needed someone to hold my hand. All the stabby things in his coat pockets help too. I'd be safe. He actually agreed to come. I think it was because he was kind of high and I also said I wouldn't make him wear a costume.
So, we met up at Delver's Hall where this Halloween party was happening. I was waiting outside for Sal. He looked very appreciative of my costume. The look he gave me was a panty dropper. Then again, just about every look Sal gives could make panties lose all of their elasticity. I asked him if I looked okay, I got an ?Mhm.? and more staring. I have to admit, I did kind of feel hot. The drink that I had before coming probably helped me feel more at ease in the costume. I had never worn anything like it before. Sal ended up taking a few pictures, well his friend helped him, but he took some pictures and I was in a picture with some other ladies. It was actually kind of fun. It felt super normal and I wasn't feeling stressed out or edgy.
We tried to wait around for Cane, but ended up getting pretty far ahead in the tunnel of terror thing. It was just Sal and I, but he did a good job of keeping me right by his side and covering my eyes for the scary parts, which was mostly the whole tunnel. Skid had joined us too, he also liked my outfit.

Anyway, I don't know what got into me. Maybe it was the outfit, the fear of the night, the alcohol, but I was getting kind of brazen. Something or someone yelled ?Boners? and then it kind of became this joke. Everyone was yelling about boners and then Sal said he had a boner. He still had his hand over my eyes, so I couldn't see. So I felt him up... or down. Yep. And things just kind of, progressed a little. He did stop me after a few minutes longer. Apparently it's hard to walk or something. He teased me and said if he found a chair I could continue. I really honestly was just feeling good. I was so distracted by having a good time, the costumes, the drinks, the fun, it was awesome. My corset kept slipping, so that was annoying. I think it was a size too big, but hey, what can I expect for a thrift store find. Sal had fun laughing at me when I flailed about and nearly toppled right out of that corset. He picked me up and put me in the elevator that went from the haunted tunnel to the tomb area where food and drink were. So, anyway, there I am with two of my favorite guys, Sal's saying he's horny. Skid's staring at my boobs, as if he didn't know what they looked like without clothes on them. Sal said ?Isn't she hot?? Well slap my ass. Thanks Sal. So, anyway, I flashed Skid, since he was staring. Trick no treats on me, a lot more people ended up seeing than Skid. So that was awesome. Not. Sal chose then to remind me ?Baby steps.? Yeah, yeah. I'm more of a run leap kind of girl these days. Baby steps requires too much thinking, which then makes me anxious, and then I just talk myself out of anything fun.

Anyway, we just hung out in the Tomb. Skid got me a drink and Sal and I waited for Cane and Harlow to join us. Once Cane was there, Sal and I attacked him because we were covered in glitter and Cane hates glitter. It was pretty funny, really. At some point Cane got turned into an owl, another trick, and then Harlow picked him up and then he turned back to human and crushed her. He didn't hurt her, so it was pretty darn funny, except that Sal was pushing me towards a portal because he wanted to be out of there. Cane came to join us so we could leave and then he was just ah, laying there, not breathing. I have no idea what happened. I slapped him. It got him jump started again.

So, Skid, Sal, Cane, Harlow, and I were just hanging around after.

?Ain't you cold, Cher?? Cane asked me. Yeah, of course I was. But the costume was worth it. He pulled me up against him then, warming me up. ?Far cry from the girl I met not too long ago.? I eyed him as he said that to me. Yeah. I guess I am.

?It's the wig.? I blamed it on that because really, I had no reasons to give him. I'm just kind of doing things day by day now and trying to live. I know I won't stay on the up for long, so I want to enjoy it. Besides, I'm comfortable around these guys, which goes a long way in me not having the tics and me not feeling nervous and all of that. That don't stare at me because I'm twitching or because I'm a fucking weirdo. Sometimes they stare because they care, because they think I'm beautiful, just because. Whatever the reasons, I just don't feel the need to hide around them. Maybe this was always who I was meant to be, I just never allowed myself to give it a try. I never put myself out there.

In response to me blaming my Halloween wig, he just snorted and let me go. I went wandering to find another drink. Cane trailed me and started tugging on the laces of the corset. I told him I had already flashed Skid and Sal, that he missed the show. And then I asked him if he liked my costume. He kind of avoided, said it made me look older. I asked him if that was bad. He told me that it was nice to not feel like a dirty old man for once.

And then? I kind of... God I don't even know. I was tipsy and the alcohol was making me brave and I wasn't ready for the fun to end or to go home alone. I just wanted to fool around a little, make out. It had been a while since his lips had been on mine.

?What happens next?? I asked him. He tried to play the too old for me card. I told him not to start with that shit. He just laughed! ?I'm serious.? I said and then I told him that I'd be a whole year old in a few days, asked him that would help. He really looked shocked. I don't think that he thought I was being serious. I mean, I guess it was kind of not like me. I told him I didn't know and that I had no expectations but that I didn't want to go home alone. He muttered something in French. Skid was listening in and cheering me on, telling me to tell him how it was going to be. Skid likes me when I'm bossy.

?Don't make me boss you around.? I told him as I watched him considering it. He was starting to grin now.

?Come on.? He grabbed my hand and lead the way. I heard Sal yell something to Cane about keeping me safe for him.

As we walked to his door, he asked me how much I had to drink. I knew what he was doing. He thought this was all just the alcohol talking.

"Enough to not be scared shitless but not enough to stop me from knowing exactly what I'm doing. I feel good. I just want to enjoy that Cane. It's rare. I want to enjoy having silenced that little voice in my head."


?Bean.? He smiled. ?Let's go upstairs and talk.? I thought that was just classic. The man who never wants to 'talk', suddenly did. I called him out on it too and then told him I wasn't saying we had to have sex, I just wanted to... I don't know. I gave in and said we could talk. I stood in the living room while he went into the kitchen. When he came back out he handed me a glass. ?Drink this, then we'll get cleaned up.?

I eyed the liquid and sniffed it. I honestly thought he was going to try and give me some potion to make me pass out so he didn't have to deal with me. So, I asked him what it was. He told me it was something to sober me up. He didn't want me being drunk, not when we were talking and not if anything else was going to happen.

?It's my only request.? he said.

I drank it. It was the least I could do. I wanted him to know that me being there had nothing to do with alcohol but because that's where I wanted to be. I asked him if he thought I only wanted him because I was drunk or if he needed me to drink it for his own conscience.

He said yes, that's what it was for. For him. And, he wanted to make sure I was okay. I thanked him for being honest and told him that I was fine. While he went back into the kitchen, I started taking off parts of my costume, just wanting to be more comfortable. He seemed uncomfortable when he came back into the living room and said he'd get me a t-shirt. It's not like I was naked. What the hell was wrong with him.

He did get a t-shirt and then start to fill up the bath tub. Coming back out, he asked me to sit with him and just talk, just for a minute. So I sat.

He started out by saying that he felt like he did something wrong by stealing my first kiss from me. I have admit, that made me instantly cranky with him.

?You went from zero to, well, I don't know how far you've gone. But what's going on in that head of yours. Please talk to me. I have to know what's happening up there before I can think about laying a hand on you.

You're drinking and feeling people up and God knows what else. I ain't saying it's wrong, but damn girl.

You accused me of using sex as a way to cope with my feelings. Sure you ain't doing the same??


I didn't know how to respond at first. I felt like he was judging me or accusing me of something. I didn't realize how my actions would seem. I mean, considering the people I hang out with, I'm pretty damn tame, but I guess for me, the things I've been doing are surprising.

I decided to address his kissing me, first.

?Don't you dare fuck that memory up or try to make it something wrong. It was probably one of the best moments of my life. You were surprised I had never been kissed. It's a normal enough thing. I should have done at least that by then.? My life has been hell, I told him.

?I've missed out on a lot of things. I don't know if I'm making up for lost time or just giving the finger to all of my fears. You guys are the first people to ever treat me normally. You don't see my tics and my problems and think that I'm handicapped or something. You just see me. No one has ever saw me. Am I terrified? Yes. Hell yes. But it's exhilarating to be living. I was scared of everything before, at least now if I'm scared, I'll have something to show for it. ?

I continued, trying to address all of his concerns. I knew that nothing was going to happen until I did.

?I haven't had sex with anyone. But yeah, I did do things. Things I hadn't expected to do, but I don't regret them. I enjoyed myself. I never get to enjoy myself. I'm shocked at my actions too, the drinking and everything. Mostly I didn't before because I was afraid of how the alcohol and sugar would affect my tourettes, but I'm fine. Mostly, it just helps me chill out a little. I have a sensory disorder. It's hard for me not to just get totally overloaded by everything. The medicine is expensive but the alcohol kind of does the same thing.

I know what I'm doing, if that's what you're asking. I just want to be young and have fun and explore my new freedoms. And I'm going to fuck up, a lot. But I need to do this, for me.

As for coping. I don't know. Honestly. Some days are better than others, but when I'm with you or.. or Sal or whomever, it's easier. Things are better. Whatever we do tonight or don't do, I swear to you that it has nothing to do with me trying to cope with anything. It's just about having fun with a friend. Someone I trust. Someone who is fucking hot as hell and has been driving me insane. Okay??

He watched me so intently, his hazel eyes are so intense. Sometimes they're too hard to look into. It's like he can see too much of me. He was quiet for several long moments, just thinking.

?Go get in the tub. Now.? His voice was different. Huskier. And bossy Cane was back. To be honest, I really didn't mind at the moment. I went. I was confused, not sure of what he had decided. Maybe he was going to clean me up and send me on my way.

I undressed the rest of the way and got into the bath. Sitting in the middle of a tub full of bubbly water, I hugged my knees to my chest and rested my chin on my knee, just thinking. He came in shortly after that and I turned my head, resting my cheek on my knee so that I could watch him. He was only in his boxer briefs. He shut the door and turned out the lights. I wasn't sure what was happening. I could hardly breath. Was I ready for this? For whatever this was? It was seconds later maybe that a ton of candles all suddenly came to life, the flames illuminating the bathroom. Looking back to Cane, he was nude now and he stood there a few moments, I think allowing me to see him. I was all wide eyes and starting at him in awe. I had expected this, any of this. A bubble bath? Candles? I loved it but it was scary too. It was quickly becoming too intimate, not for my body but for my soul. I wish I could have told him like I had Skid. ?No sweet shit.? It'd be easier without it. But, it was too late and I wasn't going to say no to his niceties. It took a while for me to be able to choke down the lump in my throat that was brought on by the intense vulnerability that was taking over. I didn't have much to compare him to, but even if I had, I would never compare him to anyone. This was Cane. There were no comparisons.

As he climbed into the water behind me, I leaned forward, suddenly feeling tense. I hugged my knees tighter.

?You're lovely.? I barely heard myself say it, but I knew he heard. He laughed. Maybe he doesn't believe it or maybe he hasn't heard it enough.

?The candles or my dick? I don't think anyone had called my dick, lovely, before.? He started to rub my shoulders. ?It doesn't always have to be drunk debauchery, you know.? I felt his breathing on the back of my neck as he nosed hair away and then pressed a kiss to my skin. ?There is something to be said for romance.?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That was all I could think as he spoke. I couldn't control my breathing, it came faster and louder. My chest ached as that lump in my throat threatened to try and choke me again. I wish I could have begged him to stop. Not to say anything else. To not make me feel. I don't want to feel anything and that would be so much easier if we could leave the romance out of it.

?I guess maybe I'm just not used to people being nice to me.... or wanting me.? I tried to soothe away the ache in my chest by rubbing the heel of my palm there. My fingers were twitching and the tic was starting to crawl up my hand, but thankfully was staying there. I was so afraid to speak. I was afraid that my voice would crack and he would know how incredible broken I was.

?You Cane. I mean you. Not your magic. Not your dick. You. You are so fucking lovely and you don't even know it. It only makes you lovelier.? I pressed my hand to my forehead, resting my head there. ?As for romance? It's not something I ever intended to try.?

I could feel his hesitation as I spoke, his massage slowed, but he didn't stop. He didn't try to tell me I was wrong or discourage me, he just let me speak as he gently began to wash my back wit ha cloth.

?Everyone should give romance a try.? his chiding was gentle as he moved my hair over my shoulder. ?There is more to sex than fucking.? The washcloth moved to my side and then my breast.

I was just trying to breath through this, trying not to over think thing but it was really hard. I hadn't taken some of my medicine because I had drank. I was sober now and the assault my brain was having on my mind was horrible. I kept telling myself to run, that this was all too much, it was too dangerous. I could handle sex, but this felt like more. I couldn't handle more. This wasn't about my body, my emotions and fucking feeling were involved now.

I wanted to ask him why he was doing this to me. Was this part of a plan? Was this part of him ruining me? Make feel and then screw me over? Why does romance have to be a part of this? I tugged on my hair and stroked my fingers through it, giving them something to do.

?I don't want to lose myself in someone Cane. I can't.? and then I couldn't stop. It didn't matter what his intentions were, I just needed to talk. I hardly ever got the chance to speak and even if it made me sound insane, I couldn't hold back.

?I am not experienced enough with my own emotions to understand how to keep myself separated from the romance.... but please don't stop.? Because as much as this was tearing my apart inside, I was afraid I would never experience anything like this again. I wanted to believe that I could deserve this, even if only for a night.

He stopped washing me, only for a moment. ?Would it help if I said I couldn't possibly love you back? I don't have a heart to give you.?

I smiled bitterly at the water. ?I'm afraid not.? God this was hard.

?You were right Cane. You're going to ruin me. It's going to be the most painful and breathtakingly beautiful thing I've ever experienced.? It was just something I felt. I knew it was going to happen. It was like seeing the inferno before a match was even struck. I felt myself began to speak again and I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

?You are worth loving. I'm sure of it. I just don't know how. I can't hold myself together, how could I possibly put all of your pieces back together with the care that it would take? How could I do that for anyone? I am so consumed with trying to keep myself from falling apart, I just can't handle anyone else. I don't want to lose myself in searching for some love story to heal me. I won't be like...? Her. I wanted to say. I won't be my Mother. ?The point is, I can't love either. It's not just that I don't know how, it's that I don't want to learn.? I took a chance and peered over my shoulder at him. Had I scared him? He wasn't asking me to love him, but I just needed to tell him. I needed him to understand why this was so hard for me. He could break me without even meaning to.

I knew I had confused him when he spoke. ?I'm just warning you not to love me. I'm not looking for anyone to piece me back together. Most of my pieces are missing anyway. I just meant that there is more to sex than fucking, there is all the stuff that leads up to it. The touching and playing, the having fun. It doesn't have to be a fierce wild show. Anticipation is key.?

?I know. I know. I just. I wanted you to know that I do see you and I think you're so fucking special.? And I'm so scared. I'm so scared of you. I'm scared of what you can do to me. What you will do to me.

?You terrify me. Romance terrifies me. I don't understand all of the lines and how to keep them from getting blurry, but, I hear you. I want to try the fun stuff and the leading up to stuff and I want to try it with you.? Because he was safe, she knew that she could do this with him and trust him. He was a friend. She wasn't going to regret him being her first. But she knew how dangerous he was at the same time.

?Have I ruined everything?? I was talking too much. But hey, he had wanted to talk, didn't he? He has to be a Saint to not have gotten out of the water and walked away from my crazy.

?We'll see.? was all he said with a chuckle. He pulled me back against him and resumed washing my front. He stroked my throat with his thumb and rested his chin against my head, watching as he washed my other breast, light and teasing. He was just washing away the glitter from my skin, but it was so much more, it was sexual and sensual, but easy at the same time. His mouth gifted my face and neck with kisses as he washed my arms.

?Just give me time.? I said, in response to his 'we'll see.' ?I'm a ruiner too.? Yes, you're not the only one who ruins people Cane. I couldn't help the soft noise of pleasure that I made when I felt his thumb stroking my neck. He couldn't have known that I loved having my neck touched. I barely even knew it, it was something I had only recently discovered. Even as hard as it was to sit still and endure this, I didn't want him to stop. I needed this to happen. I had to explore this side of myself. Feeling his mouth on my neck made me close my eyes and I started to fidget. My legs felt restless and moved in the water and my lips parted, wanting more. Anticipation was hell.

?Am I clean yet?? I didn't mean to sound like I was begging, but this was torture.

?No.? He growled against my neck and let the washcloth slip into the water, his hands on me now and his legs pressing against mine, cradling me. His touch grew more sexual as his hand went to my breast, his touch soft.

?You sure this is what you want?? asked when he wound his hand in my hair and tipped my head back so he could see me. His mouth was so close and his eyes... the stars had nothing on him. I didn't mean to respond so audibly to his touching or his growl, by the vibrations against my neck made me moan as they traveled down my body causing goosebumps to rise. I placed my hand over his and squeezed, encouraging him to not be quite so gentle with me. I knew what he was in to, or at least had a pretty good idea and while I knew I wasn't ready for that, I knew that was the direction I wanted to lean. I had to shut down Sal's voice that was now in my head. ?Baby steps, Nena.? I grew louder, my moans for throaty.

?Yes. I'm sure.?

His mouth was covering mine just barely before I finished speaking. This was rougher, it was hard and not at all playful. His hand in my hair grew tighter and I cried out in his mouth, but not minding at all. His hands tugged on me, pulled on my thigh to try and get me to turn around and face him. He didn't have to try hard. I was eager to give as good as I was getting. Without even breaking out kiss, I turned in his lap and knelt on my knees between his legs. My hands were on his shoulders, kneading his flesh and dragging my nails down his collar bones and his chest.

His hand dropped below the water and I knew that he was stroking himself a moment before the hand ended up on my ass. He quit pulling my hair quite so tight, but bit down on my lip as he kissed me. And then... he just looked at me. Don't back out. Don't back out on me. I knew he was worried about me. Worried this was all happening too fast and with the wrong person. I knew the moment that he decided yes. He saw that I truly wanted this and his hands dropped to the backs of my thighs, tugging to encourage me to straddle him. I reached below the water and I touched him, I just wanted to take a moment and feel him. The reaction from him was all I needed. His eyes and mouth shut and he tried to stifle a moan. I now straddled him. He was gentle with me, making sure to pleasure me in other ways so that I would be prepared for him. And while he did get bodies aligned, he left it up to me to decide when I would take him and to set the pace. I was scared of having that control, of having to make that decision. I didn't know what I was doing. He was patient though and encouraging. Feeling him against me, caused me to buck against him. There was that anticipation.

I went slowly, pausing when I felt that pinching and resistance. I took a deep breath, trying to conceal my wince. Biting down on my lip, I closed my eyes and just dropped down. I couldn't help when I cried out as the discomfort mingled with my lust and wanting of him. I rolled my hips and slowly took in more of him, cursing softly. I knew he was having a hard time restraining himself. His eyes were wild and his shoulders tense, his muscles straining in his body. I think I have a bruise on my ass from him gripping me so tightly. He waited for me to get used to him before he began to move, his movement were slow gentle strokes and he growled again.

Things just got better from there. We found our rhythm and I just let my body take over and do whatever came naturally. We grew a little rougher with one another, but the moment still felt incredibly tender and precious. Cane isn't a quiet lover and it wasn't long until he was crying out my name. My name. Not mouse. Not Bean (which I do love.) But, MY, name. There was something rather rewarding about that. It was because of me that he was so pleased. I felt like I was finally doing something right and I was good at it, really good at it. He of course was doing a wonderful job of making me feel good and I loved that he put his hand around my throat. It was possessive and sexy and I encouraged it. I wanted him to know that I wasn't fragile. I could handle this. I felt his body tense and he was shouting again and I leaned in to bite his neck. I continued to roll my hips as he finished. I wasn't quite there yet, but I didn't mind. Cane wasn't a selfish lover and I knew that he would make sure I felt good and would give me more pleasure than I could handle before our time together was over.

I thanked him. I wasn't sure what exactly I was supposed to say, but it was perfect. My first time was completely perfect and so much more than I could have imagined for myself.

He told me that I was a natural, that he shouldn't have been surprised by that, not with the way I kissed him back the first time. That made me laugh and feel a little cocky. I kind of wanted to strut around after that and demand he call me Goddess, but that would have been lame.

He carried me from the tub to his bedroom and we just spent the night exploring and pleasuring one another. Neither of us got much sleep, there was too much ground to cover. It was new and exciting. And honestly, on my part, it felt like there were weeks of anticipation and wanting. How could this bad?

As think over what happened today, with my body so sore, and purplish bruises on my skin, I can feel that little voice tingly in my head. I know what she wants to tell me, but I won't hear her. I've silenced her. Fuck you I said. Fuck you and your doubt and thinking you're not good enough.

I'm not going to apologize or pretend that this was wrong or dirty or too fast or anything... it was nothing but perfect. It was unexpected, I honestly never thought that was something he would do with me. I can't say that he did it because he wanted -me-, maybe it was just the sex he couldn't turn down. But it doesn't matter, it was with him and that just made it all the better.

So. We didn't fuck the first time.

I guess in a way you could say we made love.

Two people without hearts who can't love, made it. Maybe.

It wasn't fucking. It wasn't just sex. It wasn't just debauchery. It was romance and tenderness and a lot of care.

I'm not confused. I'm not saying in any way that there are hearts involved. There are not. I just mean that he gave me something so much more than I had anticipated. It was everything that it should have been and more.

I'm still processing it all. I feel raw in every way, but I also feel a little drunk, and a little... withdrawal. I feel addicted. It's scary once you have it, how much more you want it. To feel that good, that amount of pure bliss and pleasure. And for every voice in my head to be silenced and to not have to think. To just feel... to not have to make a choice or decisions, just let my body take over. It was so freeing. It was nice not feeling crazy at least for a few hours.

I wish I could feel like that every moment of every day.

?I have seen the rain
I have felt the pain
I don't know where I'll be tomorrow
I don't know where I'm going
I don't even know where I've been.?

So after I quit bumming around Sunday, Cass and I talked a bit. Things are good there. She's too good to me. I ended up asking her if I could borrow a pair of her boots or something. There was some rally thing for a dueling contest that Sal is in and a bunch of us were going to it. I wanted to look...well hot. She understood why. I know it was totally stupid, but I didn't want to look like total crap the next time I saw -him-. So stupid now that I think about it. Anyway, Cass said, no. And then said we were going shopping and she was getting me my own boots and leather pants and a corset that actually fit me. Well, I'll admit I really felt hot, a little uncomfortable though. That was a lot of cleavage.

So I got to the rally and just kind of hung out by myself. There were so many people there, it was hard to find anyone. I don't know what got into me. Maybe it was the outfit, but I decided to ask about dueling. Cass always looks so badass in her leathers and boots. Believe me, the outfit has nothing to do with her skill. That's all her. The outfit was not magic for me. I did duel and I was okay at first but then I ended up losing really badly. Embarrassing. But, at least I did it and now I wanted to do it again. It's a good outlet and lord knows I need some good ones. So after I dueled, I ended up finding Sal and Cane. Aoife was there too. Sal had that drunk look and Aoife was looking weird. I called her a name. She's dangerous, I know, but I thought she was doing something to Sal. I don't like when he gets that derpy look around her. I don't understand why she's dangerous or what she does to people, I just know it isn't good and Sal gave me very specific instructions to stay away from her. For once I am actually listening to someone.

We didn't really do anything at the rally, just stood around for a little while. Things seemed off. I suggested we leave, so Cane, Sal, and I did. We went back to Matadero. Cane was just totally out of sorts and face planted on the couch as soon as we got there. Sal was just sitting. It was weird. Uncomfortable even. Somehow we ended upstairs. I think Sal went up to change and then we followed. I asked Cane to help me get my corset off. He was so sad looking, that I thought it'd be good to give him something to do or for him to feel needed. He barely got the laces loose before walking away. I stole a shirt from Sal's closet to put on. I was uncomfortable from being in such a restraining outfit all night. I just wore the shirt, figuring we'd hang out and I'd crash in the guest room. I'm not sure where Cane wandered off to and when I turned around I saw Sal on one of the catwalks, he was brooding, and then he just stepped to the side and dropped off into the living room below. I giggled in my head about that one. He reminded me of some Dark Lord with the dramatics. When I went back down, not much had changed. Cane was there, starting out a window and then I think Sal ended up there too.

There were obviously things going on that I didn't understand. ?Would you guys like to be alone tonight?? I asked them. Did I want to leave? No, of course not. But some things are not about me and if they needed to talk or do whatever it is they do, I'd leave them to it.

?No.? Cane said. He didn't look all that convincing, even when he came over to lightly kiss my cheek.

?Yes.? Sal cut in. ?Sabine, go to my sisters. I don't want you here.?

I was so startled by his words, but I tried to not give myself any time to react. ?Okay.? I got up quickly and went to get my clothes and shoes, I only put on my pants though. My feet were still aching from wearing the boots all night. I had to move quick because it was getting harder to breathe. It just felt like the house was going to cave in on me. That, and I couldn't let them see.

?Take care of him.? I said as I passed Sal on my way out. Something Sal seemed to say frequently to Cane in regards to me. 'Take care of her.' Sal could give Cane what he needed, he understood what was going on. How could I possibly be there? How could I help? I didn't know what was going on and even if I had, I'm not exactly good at comforting people. I mean, I'm getting better at learning all the aspects of what being a friend is, but more than likely I would have done or said the wrong thing. I probably already had. So without protest, I was gone.

I walked home barefoot, I felt like my toes were going to fall off, but I didn't care about that either. Somewhere along the way I sat down by a fountain, close enough that the cold mist hit me, I still didn't care. I just leaned over and hugged my head to my knees trying to remember how to breathe through the panic attack that was taking over.

?I don't want you here.?

?I don't want you.?

?I don't want.?

?I don't.?

?I.?

Nothing. I replayed the words in my head over and over until I was obsession over them. His voice faded and hers took over. My Mothers. The same words she had said to me that made me leave home. At least he didn't kick me in the ribs as an added bonus. He couldn't have known. I know Sal didn't say those words to hurt me. He just needed me to be gone without protest so that he could take care of Cane. The words did the job.

At some point, after I stopped feeling anything at all. When the tears stopped, when my breathing didn't feel like it was going to tear out my lungs anymore, I got up and went to Cass'. Shutting myself in my room, I tossed my things aside and took off my leather pants and climbed into bed, and pulled my throw blanket over me. I held my phone for a while, just staring at it until I flipped it open and pushed the button down until I found 'Mom.' I had never deleted her number, even though I hadn't heard from her in well over a year, not since the last time she called needing money. I knew the number was disconnected now, but it didn't stop me from pushing the send message button. I just wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to tell her how things were going, that I was doing well. I just wanted a mom any mom would do in that moment, even mine.

Text to Mom (4:03am): Hi its me. I haven't heard from you in a while. I thought of you tonight. Are you okay?

Carrier Auto-Reply (4:03am): This number is no longer in service.

Text to Mom (4:04am): I have a really good job now. I make enough. I think I could take care of us. I wouldn't be such a burden to you.

Carrier Auto-Reply (4:04am): This number is no longer in service.

Text to Mom (4:04am): I know you said you didn't want me there. You didn't want me. But I forgive you. You know I always do.

Carrier Auto-Reply (4:04am): This number is no longer in service.

Text to Mom (4:05am): I will keep looking for you. I love you. I know you hate when I say it. But its good for you to know. I wish... I would have liked to hear you say it. Just once.

Carrier Auto-Reply (4:06am): This number is no longer in service.

I shouldn't have done that. I was sobbing through the texts, thinking of all the things I'd want to tell her. I had felt so numb when I got to Cass' and now I was feeling everything. I felt so nauseated. I was disgusted with myself for even letting my mind drift to her, for giving a shit about her. I ran to the bathroom and dropped to my knees and got sick. I just sat in there for a long time, trying to calm myself enough that I could quit dry heaving. I saw my razor sitting there and I just stared. I already knew I had an attraction to such things. It was my main attraction to Sal. I would like to taste his blades more than his kisses. I've always known there were other ways to deal with my pain, maybe not the best ways, but ways that could help, even if they harmed. I was just never brave enough. I told Sal that one of the first times we really spoke, the time in the coffee shop when he let me feel his scars and I was so jealous of them. I was a coward and I hoped that one day, if it was bad enough, I could ask him to do it for me. Just to take it all away, let me bleed out the pain.

That night, I determined I would be brave.

My hands wrapped around the handle and I just held it for a long time and finally I lifted my shirt and drug it along my skin. The feeling made me dry heave again. It was horrible, but soon all I could focus on was how bad the cut felt. I didn't think of her anymore. I didn't feel the pain of being unwanted. It was working. I did it again and again, sometimes growing too eager with the pressure of my hand and cutting deeper than I'd have liked. Once I started doing it, I couldn't stop. And I didn't, not until I didn't feel anything anymore, not even the cuts.

I was numb.

Getting off of the floor, I cleaned myself off, threw the razor away and I went to bed like nothing had happened. I don't even know if I slept or if I was just lulled into the numbness, so consumed by it that I don't remember the hours passing. When it was morning, I texted Sal, asking him if Cane was okay, if they were both okay. He assured me they were. You're a sweet girl he replied. ?I'm a stupid girl.? I told him. I also told him that I was braver today than yesterday. Maybe he didn't understand, but in my own way, I was confessing to him. Bragging about what I had done. I don't feel guilty or ashamed about what I did to myself, but logically, I know that it's wrong and that I shouldn't do it. I had to tell someone.

I don't normally feel comfortable just randomly texting any of them or asking to spend time with them. I don't want to be in the way or become clingy, but I wanted to see Cane. I just wanted to see for myself that he was okay. We met at some Sports Bar for wings later on that night. I didn't end up eating.


Right off the bat, he tried to apologize to me for the way Sal spoke the night before.

?Don't.? I put my hand up to try and make him pause. "Don't even mention it. You deserved to be alone with someone who understood and could comfort you. I've never been very good at that sort of thing. It was right that I leave. Even if he hadn't said so, I would have. I knew it wasn't me you wanted there."

He seemed relieved that I wasn't upset with the things that had been said. We talked a little about our friendships and how new it was for the both of us to have friends.

?Y'all got dumped in my lap and suddenly I'm remembering what it's like to care about people. I don't want to mess it up. I want to be there for you, as your friend. Not end up hurting you the way I was hurting Mer."

"I've been basically alone...forever. Really. I suppose I have some of the same fears about messing things up. Worries about caring too much or too little." I thought more about his words then. ?As my friend. Just a friend you mean.? I nodded as my understanding of what he was trying to say began to sink in. "Not that it isn't enough. I don't mean to sound like that doesn't mean the world to me. It does. Thank you."

?Yes.? His reply seemed almost...reluctant. ?It's not you. It's me.? He said, telling me that it was clich? to say, but people had been pointing out to him how he's been treating people. Sal even. He held out his hand to me then. ?I've got to quit ruining what's left of myself before I go ruining the people I care about.?

?You do realize that it's between you and I right? It's really not anyone elses place to say. You haven't treated me badly at all. You've been wonderful, really. I couldn't have expected something better from someone who actually wanted me. I'm not confused about what happened between us Cane. You were just doing me a favor.? I stared at his hand that whole time but could only bring myself to let my fingers touched his palm. ?This isn't about me though. Apparently. So do whatever you need to do.?

?I know this probably bothers you.? He said.

Really? You think? I was starting to feel a little petulant at this point. What gives you that idea? I wanted to ask.

?I wish I could explain it in a way that would make sense to you.? And then he dropped that line that ever person my age hates to hear. ?Maybe you'll understand when you're older.? Ah. Fuck. There is that age thing again. I really wanted to flip him off at that moment, but I didn't. He caught my hand between his, holding tightly.

?Let's get one thing straight, Cher. I wasn't doing you no favor. I wanted you. I still want you. But this ain't about that. This is about safeguarding myself. I'm coming apart at the seams and don't want any of y'all getting mixed up in the fallout.?

Oh Cane.

I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to listen to anymore. I wanted to be anywhere else but there with him. Not like this. I had to keep telling myself that this wasn't about me. It was about him and I have promised to be there for him. I tried to keep my expression neutral as I listened, tried not to cry.
?It'd be easier to stay away if you hadn't said that.? It would have been easier to think he didn't want me. That he'd only slept with me because I had initiated things. That he was doing me a favor. Why would this man ever want me? I couldn't let my mind go there.

?Nobody has ever wanted me.? I couldn't keep back my tears then. ?I wish you'd let me worry about what I get mixed up in. But if this is what you really need, then I guess there is nothing I can say.? I brushed a hand against my cheek, scoffing a bit. ?Will you still tell me stories?? Please don't take those away too. I needed those more than I needed physical intimacy with him. I just couldn't wrap my mind around this though. How could I be bad for him?

I watched him as he watched me. He looked like he hated himself in that moment, I could see him fighting with whatever resolve he had.

?Of course, Bean.? He smiled a little. Then he told me about the boy, the boy who swore that he wouldn't love Cane. And how he had taken everything from that boy, eventually, even his love. The boy ended up hurt.

?I'd rather hurt you now in this way, then to ever break your heart, cher.?

I felt so angry. I felt sick. He didn't believe me. He didn't believe that I could keep my heart out of this. I pushed my food away, not even able to stand the smell of it anymore. Squaring my jaw, I looked up to him. Annoyed looking I'm sure. I straightened my back and did my best to sound as sure of myself as I could.

?And who the fuck are you to assume you're so desirable? To assume that I can't stay true to my word. I will not love you. I cannot love you.? I loved her. The only person I ever tried to love. Look where that got me. My own Mother couldn't love me. Why would I ever expect someone else to?

?You will never have that piece of me. I don't have that to give you.? I tried to calm myself, afraid that I would say something incredibly hurtful, but I couldn't stop. ?I wish you'd trust me instead of acting like you know what's good for me. Fucking cocky bastards. The whole lot of you. What makes you so much more loveable than anyone else? You're obviously not in danger of ever loving me. I may be na?ve, but I am not stupid. I will never love someone who cannot love me back, again.?

I hadn't mean to say that last part. I'd rather he believe I had never loved that I was completely incapable of it.

?Being with you...was the best night of my life.? I stated softly as I stared down at my hands. I just needed him to know.

Looking back up, I watched him as he looked at me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He looked surprised by my words, maybe amused even. Proud, perhaps?

?So you just wanna, what?? he asked me.

?To make my own decisions. If. IF. I fuck this up, that's on me. I'll chalk it up to a life lesson, but I am not your responsibility. I have taken care of myself my entire life.? I wish I would have stopped there. But I had that voice telling me in my head that it wasn't fair to try and make him do something that wasn't good for him. Hell, it wasn't even about the sex at this point, it was just so much. On top of everything the night before, me dealing with my mother issues and then this. I didn't want to hear that he didn't want me.

?If you can swear to me that this is what you need. That this is all for you. Then that will silence me. But if you are trying to save me, please don't. You have no idea what it's like to go without touch, to be so entirely alone, and then to have...I did love what we shared. It was incredible and I want to feel that way again and again and not like this. I don't want to feel alone. I'm sorry if I am using you. I know it's selfish, but I want to feel that good again.?

Okay, so maybe it was a little bit about the sex. But mostly, it was just... I don't know. I don't want to be alone.

?Bean.? He looked hurt. ?It is for me. I need this.?

Fuck.

?Well there you have it.? I shrugged. ?You take care of you, it's what is most important.? I wasn't being sarcastic or rude, I really meant it. ?Don't try to make it better or anything, please. I'll be fine. We'll still have our stories and those mean more to me than anything.? My chest felt like it was going to explode and I kept rubbing my hand against it. My cuts were screaming from me shifting back and forth in my seat and the stress of the situation.

He tried to change the topic then, asked about my birthday. He suggested we go to lunch, just he and I. I ended up agreeing to it. I had started to pick at my cuts. They were so itchy.

?I'm proud of you.? I told him. Because even if it hurt, I was happy for him that he was doing something for himself.

?Save the praise for later on down the road, when it's been longer than twenty-four hours.? He laughed a little.

?Don't worry, I'm not addictive. I am quite confident that you will make a full recovery.? I was serious. He wouldn't miss what we shared only the one time. There would be others for him to have his fun with I was sure. Who was I to tempt him? I excused myself to the bathroom then and when I came back, our food was boxed up and we were ready to go. He took me back to Cass' but didn't come in.

I couldn't be alone. I knew it was going to be really bad if I was. My cuts were bleeding through my shirt. My head was reeling from everything Cane and I had talked about. I was scared of myself, honestly.

I texted Skid. He was there before I could even change my clothes.

He just let me cry for the longest time, he didn't ask any questions. He did hold me and he did notice the cuts. There was one pretty bad one and he licked it. He wasn't being weird, I don't think, but his spit does something. Heals. It felt a little better after that.

I did eventually talk. I didn't tell him about Cane. I didn't want to villainize Cane. I only told him about my Mother and why I had hurt myself.

He shed his scales until I could see the scarred skin beneath them.

?I'm only proud of half of these. Are you proud of what's on you right now? Because it's going to be there forever." He asked me while tracing a finger over my cuts. ?You're not Sal or Cane. You're not me. You're you. You want to do it to yourself, then do it. But don't do it because you're trying to measure up. Because you'll fucking hate yourself for it.?

I didn't do it for those reasons. It was for me and me only. Honestly, I was proud of them. They meant that I hadn't given up. I am still living. I'm still trying. I just needed one fucking moment to breathe and to not feel the pain. I just needed a break. I tried to explain to Skid. He didn't judge me. He just held me and helped me try to figure things out. He told me his stories, told me about his scars and the brand that he wears. He told me about the first time he fell in love. I helped him put his scales back in place. He let me keep one of them. It's about the size and shape of a guitar pick. Another little treasure for me to hold on. Another piece to plug a hole in my heart.

We didn't do anything that night. I was emotionally exhausted. He told me he was sorry for being a little harsh with his words at first and then we talked about lighter things. He said he saw me dueling a few nights ago and he complimented me repeatedly on my outfit. The leather pants and corset. He got a little more snugly and his hands traced circles on my skin from hip to chest. He did give me a little of his magic to help me feel better and to relax.

As hard as it is to talk about everything, I'm glad that he makes me. Skid has a way of drawing things out of me and making me face things, but he helps me through them and makes me feel better. I knew I had made the right choice in asking him to come. I finally slept and it was wonderful.


Tuesday I didn't do much. Cane texted me, told me I was going to a party with him the following night for Halloween. Honestly it felt nice to get a text and for things just to be normal. I spent a good portion of the day looking for a costume. I finally found some bits and pieces to put together. I was going to the party as Poison Ivy. I didn't know if it was lame of me to reuse the red wig that had worn for the Tunnel of Terror thing. That night I ended up back at another duel thing. One day I'll learn all the names of the different duels and venues.

I ended up talking to Sinjin. Well kind of. I mumbled a few things, I stared a lot. I'm pretty sure I told him have and his cat have the same hiss. Okay, he makes me nervous as a squirrel near a storm drain during a downpour. My mind just kind of breaks around him, especially when he stares back or speaks! He spoke to me. He made a joke about my hissing comment and then winked at me and gave me this smirk. FOOM! If I hadn't been so scared, that sound would be my panties hitting the floor. And then he said something about the cat protecting me or cats being protectors or... I really have no idea. My brain had already broke by this point. Thank god he was leaving then and I was distracted by something else. I think Cane was talking to me. He was asking me if I had decided on a costume for the party he was going to bring me to. He told me I'd look good in a sack. Whatever.

I got a text from Skid then, practically begging me to wear the red wig again. So I just went with it. Poison Ivy.

I got kind of quiet after that, my mind was wandering. Cane kept staring at me. I think he was waiting for me to have a break down or something. I know based upon our conversation the night before that would be expected, but I was actually doing okay. I was just trying to be normal. That would be the easiest way to move past things.

He asked me then why Sin was asking him to keep an eye on me. He WHAT?! Why would I know? Why would Sin?... That makes no sense. Maybe it was for Sal? Sal mentioned that was probably why, that it was probably for him, that he has a habit of bringing home ?strays.? Such a loving term. I'm a fucking unwanted gutter cat. Then he started to ramble about some kid named Jolene and a journal. I asked if Sin was not aware that Sal wouldn't eat me. The fae pendant protected me from that. Apparently there are other dangers that lurk at Matadero, people eating plants and other video game horrors like that. I'm pretty sure Sal was high on pixies because he was talking pretty freely but also kind of in this dreamy like state. I mentioned that I was pretty sure we wouldn't be having sex, so I was safe there. He didn't disagree. I did hear Cane's tongue ring click against his tooth, but he said nothing either.

Don't all volunteer at once now! Yeesh. I've suddenly developed the plague or something. You'd think I have vagina with teeth or something crazy. Whatever. A girl can still daydream and I guess that's all I've got for now. My mind very much enjoys torturing me. Bitch. Sal just kept giving me the laundry list of things to avoid around Matadero in order to stay safe. I've been cleaning there for how long now? Two months? I think I'm okay. And then Sal mentioned something about my name, that maybe Sin asked Cane to watch out for me because of my name. Apparently he had a secretary with the same name. He started to ramble and then quit talking and was leaving.

And then there were two.

Cane and I just started at one another. He just kept giving me that look, the one like he was waiting for me to lose my shit or burst into tears or I don't know, throw myself at him and beg at his feet.

?You weren't fine when I left you last night.? Not a question.

?No.? I explained to him that I wasn't okay before dinner either though. I didn't want him thinking or knowing how much his decision had affected me. He asked me why I wasn't okay, asked me to please talk to him.

?Don't tell Sal.? I started. I didn't want him know and possibly blaming himself or feeling bad. What he said didn't even matter, his words did not carry the weight, it was my Mother's words that had damaged me so badly.

?Something he said reminded me of my mom. I lied to you when I said I left home because I was tired of taking care of my mom. I left home because I had to. 'I don't want you here.' she said.? I told him there as more, but I didn't want to explain that whole story to him. ?I was up all night texting a number I knew was disconnected, trying to tell her how great things had been. I wanted to feel like I could talk to her. It was stupid, but a small comfort at first.? I had started crying. I hated talking about her. ?I kind of lost it.?

?Bean.? He was giving me this look. Pity. Fuck I hate that look. On top of everything else I did not want this man's pity. He motioned for me to come to him, to sit in his lap.

I was full on sobbing now. ?No. I can't Cane. I want to. I want to be that close to you, but I can't because I'm not going to want to stop. I'm not going to want you to leave me at Cass' door.? I wiped at my face. ?I'm sorry I reacted so badly to what you said. I understood what you were saying, but in my head, it's not what I heard. It just felt like another person that didn't want me and I'm sorry that I pushed that on you.? I hated being this upset in front of him. I started picking at my cuts, not even thinking about what I was doing. I couldn't leave them alone. I wanted to feel the pain again, I wanted it to silence everything else I was feeling.

?Come here.? He said out loud.

?I don't want you to pity me.? and despite the fact that my head was screaming at me not to move from that god damn chair... I did. I went to him and flopped myself in his lap and buried my head against his chest.

?It's called being friends and you better get used to it.? He hugged me. ?Cher, I don't want things to be awkward between us. I want you to feel comfortable to tell me what's on your mind.?

?I don't want things to be awkward either. I just have to sort it out in my head. Things were perfect before. Not that I regret it.? What we did. The S. E. X. ?I have to figure out how to go back. This is new for me.? I shrugged. ?I'm not even comfortable thinking most of the things in my mind let alone speaking them.?

?We just ain't kissing and fucking, Cher. That's all. Long as you're fine with it, I wanna hug you and be close. Friends do those things.?

?I really liked kissing you.? I hadn't know that was also off the table. Ugh! Just take away everything. No fun for Sabine. Got it!

?Like a band-aid then, hm? All at once.? I said. My hand was still picking at those cuts. ?You know you're more important to me than any of it though and although I am inclined to think you're full of shit, I'll support you in whatever choices to make if it's for your own good. So, hugging and stories it is.?

Click. There was his tongue ring against his teeth again. ?I ain't full of shit. I quit everyone, or didn't you know that??

Excusez-Moi?! Oh look. I can speak French now. Thanks Cajun!

?What do you mean you quit everyone??

?I ain't sleeping with anybody.?

I was so confused. Why would he quit everyone? What was so wrong? What was he trying to fix within himself that meant he was giving all of us up? Sal too?

?Oh Cane.? I wanted to touch him, but I couldn't. I knew my fingers were covered in my blood from picking at the cuts. ?I know you've got Sal to confide in, but I'll listen too. It'd make me feel good to be there for you once.?

?You're the first person I ever started telling my story to. Willingly.? He couldn't have know how much that meant to me. Or maybe he did. Maybe that's why he told me. He had been confiding in me for weeks, at least the nights we fell asleep together, him lulling me to sleep with the raspy sound of his accent while telling me stories.

?Now tell me something.? His hand wrapped around my wrist and his face turned so serious. ?You got anything to confide in me??

He knew.

?What do you want me to say, Cane?? He looked at my bloody fingers and his hand around my wrist started to get hot. He was furious. I think. He let go of my hand.

?I'm sorry you feel like that's the only outlet you've got, cher.? His voice was haunting. I think he was leaving me, his mind in another place now.

?We all have our vices.? I tried to steel up my voice and sound brave and sure of my decisions. ?I'm not sorry. It's a nice distraction from my Mother. It's a lot better than other things I could be doing.?

?Talking helps. Maybe you can tell me about your mom, over lunch. Or another day. Tomorrow is a happy day.?

My day of birth had certainly never been referred to as a happy day before.

?I just want you to know that I made you a promise and I'm not going back on it. You didn't give up on me and I'm not going to either. You're not gonna lose anyone else.? I wanted him to know that I wasn't suicidal. Everything had changed.

?I'm just working through some things. You saved my life in more ways than you know. I won't treat that cheaply.? I got up from his lap. ?Tomorrow will be the first time ever that it's been a happy day. I'm looking forward to starting a new tradition. I'm not going to let her ruin my first birthday lunch.? He brought me home then. The mood was heavy still and he was not at all talkative, less so than normal. I don't know if he was angry with me or sad or maybe it was just the pity, but I hated it.

I didn't hurt myself that night. For him. If he asked me at lunch, I wanted to be able to say that I hadn't and I didn't want to lie. I want to be stronger than this need. I don't want to become addictive and dependent upon it.

I was right on time to meet Cane for lunch. An Italian place that I picked out. I was lead to the table that Cane was already waiting at. There he stood, waiting for me with a bouquet of flowers with the biggest smile. Nerd.

?What're you doing?? I asked him with a smile. I was shaking my head, not quite believing he went through the trouble of flowers for me. ?You shouldn't be so nice to me.? I looked him over then. He was a little dressed up, very matching, very... good looking.

?You look handsome.?

He explained that a gentleman always stands when a lady enters the room and then brushed a kiss to my cheek. Pft. Whatever. They so do not. He thanked me and said something in French. 'Vous ?tes belle.' I could take a stab at what it means, but it's probably better if I just ignore that. He gestured for me to sit and then he did.

?I'm just Sabine.? I told him. Not some fancy lady who needed to be fawned all over. I told him the flowers were lovely and set them aside while commenting that I needed to learn French.

He made a comment about not being able to compliment me all sneaky like if I learned French. Then he began to tease me, asking me if I had Skid come over after he left. Brat. We just chatted after that. It was easy, not awkward. I think we were both pleased by that.

He apologized that everyone had plans already to go to the duels to watch Sal. I guess it was a Halloween Party duel kind of thing. That's the party he was taking me to. I told him it was no big deal, I am a low key person. I didn't need a big party dedicated to me. I told him how great it already was and showed him the bracelet Sal had got for me. It's wooden beads an an ivory colored bead says 'Breathe.' I don't know if he knows what I've been going through but he obviously knows me better than I thought. It's the perfect gift. I don't think I'll be taking it off any time soon, I need to remember this. More idle chatter followed and finally I asked him something I had been wondering since the night before.

?Are things okay between you guys? Why did you stop everything? Even with him. I guess I am just more confused about why you'd give him up.? He explained again that this was really for him, something he needed to do. And that he didn't give him up or me up, just the sex.

"I guess I was just confused by something you said. I didn't mean to sound like I doubt you. It's just that. Sal isn't weak. He isn't me or that other guy. You have to know Sal isn't like either one of us. I didn't think Sal was a risk.? He isn't going to fall in love with you, I meant. But saying those words just would have felt mean. Besides, what do I know? ? I thought he was good for you. Like an outlet. Not that I know what is good for you or bad for you. I don't even know what you're going through.? I asked him if he had other outlets, other ways of working through things and he explained to me that he did. I didn't ask further questions about his choices and I didn't judge him either.

He said he knew but again, this was for him. "I care about him too much to keep fucking him. Same goes for you.?

How could I argue with that? The pieces clicked into place and even if I still was pouting about the entire subject, I understood and I had to stand this ground with Cane. For him.

?We're still here for you.? I assured him. ?I can be there for you in other ways.?

"I don't mean to say this, to scare you or make you worry about me or get the wrong ideas. So please don't, take this to mean more than what it does. But, I do want you to know and believe...

If I could love, Cane. I would have very much liked to love you.

It doesn't scare me to say that. And I don't say it because I want to fix you or because I think you need to hear it. Or because I'm trying to convince you to be with me or something. I just want you to know. I do care about you and I meant what I said that night... you are worth loving. You are so lovely."

Because no matter what he believes about himself, he needed to know. It's not a wonder to me that he did have someone fall in love with him. Everyone should be loved, even if they don't think they deserve it. Even if it's terrifying and unwanted, it's still a good thing. I think. I'm not very good with words sometimes and I don't know how to comfort people, but I just felt like I needed to build him up a little. It wasn't smoke up his ass, it was the truth.

?I won't cross those lines. For both our sake. I won't risk losing you, your friendship." I said to reassure him. Not that I would know how to love someone anyway and I am just not willing. The unknown is too scary. I can't be rejected like that ever again. My Mother destroyed me and I don't want anyone to have that kind of power over me. You'd think with that being said, I'd be better at drawing lines and sticking to my guns. Temptation is stronger than me most days.

I could tell Cane was probably going into panic mode, just sitting there thinking, minding whirling. Probably on new ways to distance himself from me. I threw a sugar packet at him.

?Quit over-thinking things.? We talked then about his new outlet of choice and other ways for him to get out his aggression. I suggested kickboxing or dueling. I'm going to give it a try. Anyway, I knew that all this talking and feelings and stuff was wearing on him. It's just not his thing. But while I had him there alone, I just had to know one more thing.

"That night, the night you were at the Inn with Evelyn. I thought you were leaving with her. Why did you come to me? I know you wanted to sleep, just sleep. But... why me?"

"I was with her. But then she disappeared and I was left in a empty bed. Just didn't wanna be alone."

I already knew where he had been, easy to guess what they had done. I just didn't understand why he came to me. I still didn't. I didn't address it further than that. I don't like to be alone either. I decided it was nothing more or nothing less. We were just people who didn't want to be alone.

Our food came then and we ate, didn't talk much more. Soon after we finished, we left. I had a tattoo appointment and Cane said he had errands.

The tattoo thing went well. I got little mouse on the left side of my wrist. It's about the size of a nickel. I wanted to get some words but I still hadn't decided on something. I was thinking maybe a little thought bubble with the word ?Roar.? But, since I wasn't sure and time was now cutting close to when I needed to meet Cane for the party, I decided to wait on words.

I went home and got into my Poison Ivy costume and then headed to the Halloween Havoc duel party thing. Everyone was dressed up pretty crazy. Cane was... I have no idea. Half unicorn, half man in chaps? Skid was a cowboy. Sal was a yetti lumberjack or something, don't know but I liked his axe. Harlow wore this badass antique dress. I don't think Thorn was dressed up, but she always looks good anyway. And well, pretty much everyone else was wearing cool costumes. Sal was doing the dueling thing for most of the time. And then people started giving me gifts. Thorn gave me a beautiful card with a gift card with an insane balance on it for me to use anywhere in Rhydin. Harlow got me this really cool steampunk corseted dress, Rei texted that there was a gift for me at the RDI. It ended up being the cutest little black dress. Every girl needs one he said. Sal had already given me my bracelet this morning, well, left it for me anyway. And Cane had taken me to lunch and got me flowers. It was all perfect.

But no. No. These crazy fuckers that I now call friends had actually planned a little party. There was a delicious cake with candles that I ended up taking home with me to snack on. I got to blow out my first candles and make a wish. And balloons. SO many balloons. And, there was one last gift. Cane got me something else. I'm spoiled. At first, I thought it was just an empty container, but hey, even that made me happy. I have a lot of stuff now, I could use some organizers. But he was playing a little trick and when I looked inside the box a second time, there was the tiniest and fluffiest little white kitten.

A KITTEN! For me! It was perfect. I had been missing Kavi and of course he knows how much I hate being alone and have trouble sleeping. Now I had a little warm body to snuggle at night, always.

I didn't put the kitty down the rest of the night. People tossed out names and I tried to figure out if it was a boy or girl. It's a boy. I ended up naming him ?Boo.? Maybe it's lame, but he's all white and I did get him just before Halloween. It seemed appropriate. Maybe I'll use part of Skid's idea and his full name will be Boo Huxtable. Dapper little dude.

So yeah. I had my first birthday party and it couldn't have been more perfect. These people. I don't deserve them. Sal and Cane were like the fucking demented Bobbsey Twins over there, just grinning at me like the whole time. Saps.

Anyway, the night ended with me going back to Cane's and Sal too. I was going to go home, but I had a lot of stuff at Cane's, all the cat's stuff too. It was late, so I crashed there on the couch. Well, for a little bit. Cane wanted the cat kept in the bathroom, so I ended up dragging the pillow and blanket to the bath tub and I slept inside of it so Boo wouldn't have to be alone. In the morning, Sal helped me pack some things up and I left. When I got back to Cass' there was a gift for me there too. A gorgeous necklace and earring set of silver and opals.

Not much to report since then. I took it easy yesterday and stayed in except to get food. Today I am at Matadero. I'm going to try my hand at dueling again. There is a contest thing tomorrow that I signed up for and Sal is helping me get ready for it. I'm freaking out, but it'll be good. It'd be good for me to have something to focus on. Something that doesn't have a pulse or a penis.

So the day after trying to be Ms. Fix It, I did see Sal. He was at Cane's and had been there I guess since the night before when they left my duel. I was still worried that Sal was upset I had lost the second round, but that was pretty selfish of me. I mean, he had an awful day and yet he still showed up to cheer me on. That was pretty awesome of him. Maybe he's got his own set of problems and sometimes he can be a real asshole (I don't tend to think so, but he says so), but he is a damn good friend. I shouldn't have been surprised that he wanted to get away from everyone and everything after the day he had. It was a hellish weekend for him with Halloween and the fight at the 'Dome.

So, anyway, I went over to Cane's and I tried to broach a couple of topics with Sal. I wanted to know if he was okay, if he was upset with me, if it was true... if I hurt him. If my being human and being around him really is that bad. Did he feel like I was careless and didn't value him? He was still kind of in bad shape I think. Less talkative than normal even. He told me that no, I don't hurt him anymore. Hurt isn't exactly the word for what I did to him, but the pendant helps with that. It's okay for me to be around him. But he didn't seem to want to talk about anything else. Cane was being kind of protective of him, so I didn't press too much. We ended up just chilling and talking about dueling and other random stuff. Sal mentioned that I do need to work on getting in and staying in shape if I'm going to take dueling seriously. That whole topic of me going running with him came up again. Cane says he has a friend that might want to train with me. He even seems to be thinking about dueling. That would be cool. It's a great outlet, I think. And we could all use healthier outlets. Although, is slashing and punching people healthy? At least it is regulated! I'm so focused on practicing and prepping and then doing it, that my mind doesn't have a lot of time to stray right now. The guys both said I looked good while dueling in the tournament. They liked that I flipped the bird a few times. Apparently you gain badassery as you get older. I just had a birthday so I must have leveled up in that department. Silly boys.

So that felt great, just to do nothing and have an easy conversation with the guys. It felt so normal and stress free. Some how the topic of the hot tub came up. That night at Cass' when Harlow and Cane stayed with me. Cane apparently does not remember much of that night at all (he was kind of drunk.) Not that there is much to report but I did get to tease him about being cuddly. He said he is a cuddle whore. Truth. The topic of his birthday also came up and he was adamant that we not do some big celebration. No cake. It doesn't matter how old he is, celebrating his being alive is important and I wasn't going to let it pass by without a word. Told him as much too. But, it didn't have to be a big to do in order for him to know that his friends care about him. I sent him a text and left his gift outside of his door.

His gift would be better received in private anyway. Probably a silly gift and kind of embarrassing. Heck, I didn't even want to be there to give it to him. Just let him open it by himself and then he can put it in the trash or something. What was I thinking??? I got him a teddy bear. I just saw it and it was kind of perfect. I mean, he is a self admitted cuddle whore. And I'm pretty sure that he is like me and sleeps better with someone. And the bear, it was so soft and it had this patchwork heart. That also reminded me of him. It sounds so dorky. I'm sure he thought it was lame. It's probably in the landfill by now. I also gave him one of the origami paper cranes that I make. The animal and colors selected just for him. They represented a long life, healing, strength, and friendship. I just didn't want to get him a bunch of stuff or something that takes up a bunch of space. His apartment is pretty sparse, so I'm guessing he doesn't like clutter.

Let's see, what else...

I went to the Inn and I actually spoke to Sinjin. Well I got there after cleaning Sal's place on Monday and was just taking a break. Thorn was there. Pretty sure by the complete ignoring of my attempt at a hello that she's still not happy with me. Oh well. If my offense was against anyone, it was Sal and he doesn't seem upset. So I can't let that whole situation to continue to drag me down. It'll work itself out in time I suppose. I don't prefer the awkwardness, but what can I do? I'm not going to apologize for doing what I thought was the right thing. Agree to disagree I suppose.

Anyway, Sinjin. He came to the Inn while I was there and headed towards me. I swear, time slowed and he oozed towards me like lava over the ground. Slowly and commanding my attention as he did so. Or maybe that was just me. I tried to look anywhere but at him, but it is sort of impossible. It's like he is everywhere at once. He sat.

?I don't bite.? he said.

?That's what they all say.? I replied. I asked him if I was in trouble. Surely he must have heard by now about my brilliant plan to bleed myself and feed Sal.

?Why would you be in trouble??

?Why wouldn't I be?? It seems that I always am.

?I wouldn't know.? he said. ?We've hardly known each other yet, have we??

That was true.

?Can I help you with something?? I asked. I didn't mean to sound rude, but why was he sitting and talking to me? Surely he must have wanted something more than idle chatter.

?No. Mostly I wanted to thank you.? Sinjin Fai wanted to thank... me...?

He once again thanked me for caring for Kavi. He really seems to adore that cat. He said he's had her for eleven years. I told him it was no problem. I adored Kavi.

While I had him there, I got brave.

?Why do you care?? I blurted out. ?You asked Cane...? He too had told Cane to protect me or whatever. Is that really everyone's first thoughts about me? Protect me? I barely know the man. How could he possible know that I need protecting. Apparently I am not doing so good at appearing anything other than fragile.

?Would you like the real answer to that??

Of course I would. ?I like honesty.? I told him.

"All right. Salvador and I have a thing in common: we collect people. Generally, we collect people who matter. That includes you. But you are quite different from anyone else who he has Chose."

Being collected sound only slightly better than being called a stray, but I tried not to focus on that for too long. The way he had said 'chose' felt weighted. Like a carefully selected word. It almost felt like I actually meant something, more than a stray. Of course I know that Sal gives a damn, but it was just a nice choice of words on Sinjin's part. I like the way he speaks. He is very well spoken.

?Different how?? I asked him. I couldn't imagine that I was all that different. I had met Rekah. We both had our share of loose screws. Not so different there.

"Because you aren't as broken as he is or I am," he said, with a surprisingly gentle smile. "Or Skid or even Cane. You're young, and fresh and learning. It's ?" He paused for a moment and I felt that he was trying to be careful about what he said.

"It's why so many people wish to protect you. You're the sprout of springtime in the winter." he finished.

Was this guy nuts? Maybe he was misinformed. Maybe he really just didn't know me well enough. He hadn't been around that much. I ended up laughing. It was one of those nervous/crazy/maniacal kind of laughs.

?Oh Sin...You'll see, just wait.? I couldn't hide my crazy. He'd see. I feel so incredibly broken and beyond repair most of the time. How could he possibly see me as less broken than anyone else, as as.. something beautiful. A sign of hope. A sign of better things to come. Warmth, rebirth, transformation.

Ugh with the fucking words. I take it back. I don't like the way he speaks. Fucking metaphorical poetry shit. What am I supposed to do with that?! I'm fucking flower in the middle of winter. Flowers are fucking useless in winter. They'll get eaten alive by the cold, shrivel, and die. The winter will consume them.

And now I want to punch myself in the face because I'm spouting some metaphorical bullshit that sounds like it belongs in one of those metal songs for little bitches.

?The wiiinteeer will! Consuuuuuume theeeem.? See, totally fits with one of those angry doom metal screaming voices.

Alright. So, let's break this down. I'm the sprout of springtime. Okay, so not a flower in the middle of winter. No, a sign of the things to come. All that hope and rebirth shit I said before.

What in the fuck kinda shit is this guy smoking and where can I get it? If I'm a fucking sprout of springtime, then this guy has a fucking awful life. What kind of jacked up shit has he seen to think I am a sign of hope? A breath of fresh air. Whatever the hell he meant... he had to either be jacked up on drugs or he was puffing smoke up my tight ass.

Don't get me wrong. Girls like to hear poetry every once in a while and the words were really nice but... me? I'm just shocked. I'm in disbelief.

I am touched.

Okay. I'm a fucking mushy ball of awww. Damn him.

I ended up telling him it was nice of him to say that but of course tried to tell him he was wrong. Can't let anyone actually think something nice about me! It'd ruin my edginess. (sarcasm alert.)

I left soon after, I had things to do. Like go home and torture myself by repeating his words and trying to figure them out. I'm still confused.
It'd be pretty sad if he is right, if I am the sprout of springtime in the winter. It's also pretty weighty. All these people want to protect me because what?... Because they believe in me? They see something in me? I'm not daft enough to believe I could bring any light to their darkness. I wish I could.
Looking back over the past few days, I guess I did kind of take Sin's words to heart though. It was nice to hear something so sweet, even if angst ridden Sabine in my brain wants to thrash around and break shit.
If that's what he thinks... if that's what they think... then maybe I do owe it to them to try harder. I mean, I have been trying, but could it hurt to try more? Could it hurt to genuinely just be happy? To just block out my mom. Block out the doubt. Surrender and just accept me. Accept this role of fucking sunshine sally. Accept my humanity and that maybe it isn't all that bad. They're everything I am not and no matter their physical strengths, they too suffer from mental limitations. They fight battles too. They're no better off than me. It's not like I was seeking out some sparkling vamp to surrender my humanity to. It's just a matter of accepting that I have limitations, but they don't have to hold me back.

I talk a hot game in my head, but doing and believing prove to be difficult. But, I have been trying. I've actually had several very good days this week. I've even managed to sleep okay. I've stayed focused on practicing and I've dueled a few times. I won at swords again. I hung out at the Inn yesterday with Sal, Sin, and Jackie and Cianan for a little bit. Sin scared the crap out of me. This time on purpose. He apparently can turn to fog. Creepy. So he played that little trick on me. He and Sal are so fucking sweet together. Instant toothache around them... and they might make a few other parts of me ache too. They're so intense, I had to get up and walk away for a bit. It's hard to watch two people so in love, so entwined, and so I don't even have words for it. They're just adorable and it's refreshing to see Sal so happy, vulnerable even. Not that I prefer to see him vulnerable, but it is nice to see him with his walls down and happy at the same time.

Anyway, after Sin left, I claimed Sal for a bit. It's unlike me to say what I need or ask to be close or anything, but I climbed in his lap and just touched him. I had been away from everyone for a few days and I just needed to feel someone. I was craving contact and touch. He let me feel his scars. He played with my hair and kissed my head, as he usually does. I wish I could have stayed because I would have been content to nap right there on his lap.

Tonight...Wednesday. Well today was something else entirely. It started out normal enough. I met up with Cane outside of the Iron Fists Gardens so we could go cheer on Sal's team. There were a lot of laughs and fun. Just teasing and having a good time. Like friends should do. Sal disappeared after a while and Cane and I were left over at his team's table. We stood and talked for a bit, his arm around me. Cane made some comment about not being able to watch Sal and some girl go at it or he wouldn't want to have sex with Sal again. Something along those lines. I told him he shouldn't be thinking about that anyway. I mean... he's trying to behave, right?
Well the look he gave me, guilt, perhaps told me that he hadn't been behaving.

?Mm. I see. You do what makes you happy.? was my reply to that. I had a million other quips on the tip of my tongue, but none of them were worth it. His happiness, his well being, everything was more important than me trying to act like I was entitled to get something from him too. Just because he chooses to have sex with someone else, doesn't mean I am owed anything. It's not tit for tat or tit for tit or dick for tit or whatever.

?More like what makes Sal happy.? he said.

So Sal crumbled his resolve? Whatever. It didn't matter. The circumstances behind it were not my business.

"You don't have to justify anything to me. I'm not your keeper. I just want to see you happy."

He sat down and I claimed his lap. It seemed an innocent enough thing. I mean, we do it all the time. Or I do. Sit on him that is. He was kind of drunk, he'd been drinking before he got there and still was. His mood slowly seemed to be shifting. Before I knew it, he was resting his head against my back and getting a little snugly. Something just felt, wrong. I didn't like seeing him that drunk.

I shifted to catch his face in my hands. ?You okay?? because I honestly wanted to know. Talk to me. Just talk to me so I can understand. It's obvious he's going through something. Maybe he doesn't trust me enough to talk to me. Maybe he doesn't talk to anyone. I don't really know, I just had to try. He has to deal with whatever is going on and I didn't want to see him trading in one self destructive path for another.

?No.?

I brushed my thumb over his cheek, trying to be soothing to him. Caring. "You will be." I told him and gave him a hopeful smile while brushing my other thumb over his eyebrow.

"You okay here or you need to escape? I could get Sal for you if you want." because I figured Sal probably would know better than me what Cane needed. He knows him so much more than I do on so many levels.

?I won't.? he said in reply to me telling him he'd be okay. He shook his head in my hands.

"We're not going to let you be anything else." None of use would stand by and watch him fall. I was determined to see to it that we all made it through our various piles of bullshit. We were all there for one another. ?I wish you'd talk to me.? I told him. Because maybe he just needed to know. I will always listen

"I wish ya'd kiss me.? he said then.

Cane. Oh Cane. What are you saying. What are you doing?

I'm stronger than I thought though.

"If we can go to your apartment and you can drink one of your sobering potions and then you tell me that. We'd see. I'm not going to do that to you. Not like this." I continued to cradle his face and gently stroke here and there, even gave him a kiss to the top of his head like Sal does to me. Reassuring. Soothing. Caring. There were parts of me, mostly the one between my legs that was screaming at me to take him up on that, to do it. But the logical part, Granny Sabine was out of her rocking chair and swinging her cane around wildly and threatening me to not even -think- about it.

He needed me. He needed me to be strong for both of us. For him. Kissing, sex, whatever else, it was out of the question. He told me he needed to stay away from that for himself. He needed to fix something. How could I betray him? I couldn't take advantage of his poor state of mind and lack of judgment.

At the same time, I was ? a mess. I was confused. I wanted to, I didn't want to, I was pleased by his request, I wondered if it was true: are people more honest when they are drunk? I was upset. I'm only good enough when he's drunk? That's the only way he could want me? Irrational. All of it. He was drunk. That's it. A warm body is a warm body. He wasn't thinking straight.
Neither of us had noticed Sal was near and heard. He whacked Cane upside the head. We noticed him then. Cane looked... annoyed.. I guess.

"I think I'm going to try and get him back to his apartment. You want to help?" I asked Sal. I was afraid to let Cane try and get home alone, but I had no plans of trying anything with him. I would be disgusting if I did try anything.

Cane got all weird then and tried to wave us away. ?I don't need any help.?

"I think, you should get off his goddamn lap and stop teasing him. He doesn't need help. And if anyone in this room should be helping him, even if he did, it should be Cris. The one person who does not want to get in his pants." Sal said.

Cane had just got me off his lap and stood up then, starting to leave.

?You have no idea what you're talking about.? I said quietly to Sal. What could I say. I was raging inside. My head was already a mess from what Cane said and then this shit.

Teasing him?! That was the furthest thing from my mind. I was trying to be there for him, help him, show him that I care. Why can't I ever fucking get this right? Why is my helping always misinterpreted? Everyone else is allow to help and take care of one another but I try and I'm the fucking devil. This had nothing to do with me wanting in Cane's pants. I've actually been quite okay with his decision and moving along just fine. The only thing that mattered was his safety. I had even offered to get Sal for him to get him home safe. I just wanted the chance to be there for him and some how... that was bad.

I only stopped to whisper some words to Cane, told him to be safe and then I left. I was already crying (of course) by the time I stopped Cane. I wasn't sticking around so I could feel further insulted.

I don't know how it looked, maybe Sal made an assumption. Or maybe that was Sal's asshole way of telling me to get lost like the night at Matadero when Cane was having such a bad night. I don't know if he was protecting me or Cane tonight, or maybe both of us. Does he really have so little faith in me? He really believes I would put physical gratification above Cane's needs? That I care so little for what Cane really wants? Was he worried I'd cave to Cane and get hurt? Or was he just being a dick? I have no idea.

It just fucking sucks. I want to be there for my friends like they've been there for me, but they won't let me. Okay, that's fine whatever. I'll continue to be a useless turd. Sit me high up on a shelf, take me down and dust me time to time.

I just feel all the doubt creeping back in. All the questions. The fears. Too many feelings. I want them to go away. I will make them go away. It'll only hurt for seconds though and then maybe I can get some sleep.

I'm scared.

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers
Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers.

I am a shitty person.

Things had been good. How many times I have said that? Had been.
I'm sick of the up and down.
I'm sick of me.
I'm sick.

It's hard to even start where I left off because the most recent events are consuming me. I wish my feelings had the power to actually destroy me instead of everything around me. I could handle me, but I can't control the after-affects of my action when others are involved and that is the hardest part of it all. The fallout.

I don't even know where my week has gone. Everything is such a blur right now. It was so great. Everything was great. I mean, except for the fact that Cane has been drinking like a fish and I was worried about that.

Monday... it seems so far away now. Monday I was out and ran into Skid. We hadn't talk since that whole  Let's Teach Sabine a Lesson thing with Sal. I was still so hurt by the things he had said.

 What are you doing here? I asked him. He was fairly close to my apartment, not that I thought he even knew where I lived.

"I don't know. I've been sitting around in the streets for days."

 Why? I asked him.

"I'm upset, I suppose. Would you like to hit me?"

 Upset? I asked with a hint of disbelief. I answered his next question. "Very much, but you kind of took the surprise out of it. Wouldn't mind stabbing you either."
"Yes. About something, even. I walked into it expecting nothing but your hate, Sabine."

I did slap him then. "I don't hate you. And I'm pissed that I don't hate you. You hurt me you fucker. You betrayed me." And then I slapped his other cheek.

"Do you understand why I had to? Do you understand what would've happened to you if you kept toeing the line you couldn't see across? I would have betrayed you in so much worse a way if I hadn't done what I did. And for that saving grace, I'll take your anger and your hurt."

He looked so tired. "I'll take it all, if it means you can grow back stronger than you were."

"You could have talked to me. Everyone was too busy trying to protect me rather than just being honest. Instead you had to betray me. You threw my secrets in my face. You made me think that you understood and you didn't! You were judging me." I was screaming at him by this point. "I am going to grow from this because I don't have a choice. I loved you! I let you in."

"You couldn't hear us when we talked. You wouldn't wait for words. You deflected, and you walked away, and you were angry with us when we wouldn't let you do what you wanted, no matter the consequence. I wanted to talk to you. But you never wanted to talk to me. You think I don't understand? How the pain crystallizes everything and makes you feel alive and real and grounded? I know pain. I know what it does. But I know that you couldn't handle the kind of pain you were chasing. Not yet." There was a pregnant pause. "I.."

"Because you guys wouldn't tell me anything that actually mattered or made sense. I'm not going to just avoid Sal because he is quote dangerous. I didn't understand what he was or what he did. I thought he was a kinky fucker. And, I did want to talk to you Skid. You mattered to me. I talked to you more than I talked to any of them. You're the one I called when things were bad, when I needed someone to talk to and give me advice. And this time? I didn't have you!" I paused, realizing he had more to say. "You what?"

"It was nobody's place but Salvador to tell you or show you who he really is. I want to be able to talk to you. But you have to let me. Because if you don't, I have to let you know, and I'm the worst kind of... Thing. I won't be nice or considerate about it. I'll take you right to my level. And I'll never feel bad about it afterward, except for -you-.. I don't like that I'm upset about this, that I feel bad for making you see the truth. For making you hurt. For leaving you there.. I couldn't stand it; your voice. Having to hurt you to make you understand. You're precious to me, Sabine. Even if you want to hurt me now, or never speak to me again, it's okay. I'll take it, if it's what you want." His voice seemed to be drifting off.  Because you know the truth. 


"You're the same as him? Worse? You know how to stop?" I asked wanting to know more. To really understand what he was. "You're upset because you care, because I'm precious." I grabbed his chin in my hand, a tone of disbelief to my voice. "Why do I matter to you? Why are you so upset? Why is it except for me? " My mood was shifting from anger and hurt to... I don't even know. He was so vulnerable. He was being so honest. It just spoke to me.

"I kill people all the time, Sabine. I eat them to live. I know what emotions make them taste different, and how to inspire them just before a kill. I know what time of year what type of person tastes best in. And I know more ways to kill you than you have bones in your body. I know how to stop, and start, and everything in between." It seemed like he hated telling me these things.

"I don't know, and I can't fucking stand it. I can't stand not understanding." in response to me asking why I was an exception. Why was he upset?

I asked him if he was trying to scare me. Was this supposed to warn me off? Didn't he know better by now? I took a step forward, pressing myself closer to him. I question the fact that he didn't know why I mattered. I wanted answers as much as he did and he didn't have them to provide. Not in the ways that I expected.

I asked him if he wanted to try to figure it out. He seemed bothered by the fact that he gave a shit and had been so upset over what had happened that night.

"I'm a covetous, horrible thing Sabine. I want everything. Do you want to figure it out?"

"You can covet me, but you're not going to possess me. Everything in between... that could be figured out." I swallowed, not even understanding what I was saying. Not understanding what he was wanting. I didn't understand what I wanted. I just knew that I felt different and my body was moving before my head. There were gentle touches as we spoke.

"Remember what I told you." He tilted my chin up to force me to look at him as he spoke. "I already possess a part of you, and you of me, whether you like it or not. But figuring out what those pieces are..." His face came closer to mine. "That, we could discover together."

"I remember. A piece, a part, I can give you that. That's all I have to give you, all that I'm willing to give." I put my hand against his chest. I don't know if I was trying to stall him, touch him, or push him away. "What do you want Skid?" I had to hear him say it. I wasn't going to leap into the unknown alone. My heart was going a million miles a minute and I swore it was just going to leap right from my throat.

"So fragile a thing, to think herself made of steel..." He gave me a fond smile. "I want your friendship, and I want to fuck you, and I want to hear your heart hammering in your chest like it is right now a little more often. Is that not enough?"

"Maybe I am made of both. We all have facets. I want your friendship too. I couldn't believe what I was about to say.  I want... to fuck you too. How quickly my anger had been replaced by something else. Maybe I just wanted to feel close to him again. Maybe I just wanted to experience angry sex. Or makeup sex. Or... just sex.

"I've wanted to fuck you since you looked me in the eye for the first time."

Jaw drop. WHY?! It was hard to not ask him a million questions... so I did. I mean... really.

"Because you had the balls to look me in the eye." His arm wrapped around my waist and a hand rested at the small of my back. "And I saw something in them, something in you, through them." He has this huge grin going on now."And then you bent over in front of me, and that sort of sealed the deal."

I started laughing. My ass sealed the deal, hmm? I never thought it was such a great ass.

"Every time I see it I forget everything besides your ass." he told me then.

We joked back and forth, teasing one another for a few minutes. It felt good to laugh with him. We walked back to my apartment and I showed him around. We continued to talk a little. I was more than a little nervous about the reasons we both knew he was there. Apparently he too finds me infuriating at times, but he likes it, especially when I'm stubborn. Well, he likes it when I'm not being stubborn over things that could get me killed. And then... stuff happened. Stuff happened on the couch, on the kitchen counter, on the window seat, on the stairs, and in my bed. A lot... of stuff.
Once I got past my nervousness, it was a lot of fun. It felt like I had my friend back and things were just normal again and there were no worries. Our forgiveness of one another poured out through our bodies, we didn't need words anymore. Whatever had been broken between us was fixed. By the time he left it was as if nothing had ever been wrong. It was incredible really, I mean, aside from him obviously being very good and long lasting at sex, it was incredible in other ways. Maybe it was because we were both so vulnerable and had so much hanging on the line. We both hated the rift between us and we were both determined to give more than we were getting to make sure there was nothing left between us that was wrong. It was like the most incredible, mind-blowing, head on collision.

I don't know what more I could say about it. Shutting the hell up and closing my mouth benefited me. I never thought that sex was a way to fix anything, but it certainly has done better for me than talking. It's hard to fuck the wrong way. Saying the wrong things? That's a special gift of mine. If only I would have remembered that, just to shut up sometimes.

I barely talked when I first met these people and now all I do is talk. I'm constantly trying to fix something, or prove something, or apologizing, or explain myself because I am so scared that I'm getting it all wrong. I over compensate and just do more harm than good.

I have not yet learned the fine art of listening. I want to be a good listener but I always feel like I'm supposed to fix something or say some magically comforting thing. Sometimes people just want to vent, they don't want help or to be fixed. It's something I didn't come to understand until later.

Anyway, after that whole thing with Skid, I went out to the Inn and hung out. Cane and Sal had been gone for a day or two. I assumed they left to handle whatever was nagging at Cane. They had gotten back. Both of them looked a mess. Sal was all busted up looking and when Cane got to the Inn a bit later, he too was looking pretty bad. Which, you know, for Cane is still a normal persons amazing. I guess the same is true of Sal too though. Something about guys with scars and cuts and bruises. Moth to flame. I know... I know. Sit down Granny.

I ended up inviting myself to Cane's lap. I was so excited to see him. He had texted me when he had left that something was wrong. I was just glad to see him back and in one piece, even if he was a slightly more tenderized and colorful version of himself. Black and Blue suits him just fine. I was just content to be there. My friends were there, we all seemed to be doing okay, for once things just seemed right. I didn't know what was still boiling below Cane's surface.

I've been getting more... touchy and verbal? I guess is the word. It seems like people here are more eager to express themselves through touching, holding, kissing, hugging, all of that. It's not been anything more on my part than just trying to communicate to various people what they mean to me. I'd be lying if I said none of it was for me. I was denied touch and contact for so long that it's just something I crave now that I've experienced it on a repeated basis. But, it just seems like the way to show someone you care. I thought... I'm always hearing Skid or Thorn telling Sal they love him. Everyone dog piles. It's strange, but it just started to feel normal.

My friends have as many problems as I do and they've built me up and done so much for me, that I made a commitment to myself to really try and be what they all believe me to be. To be that fucking snowdrop. That springtime in the winter. I've been trying to tell them that I love them. I want them to know that despite whatever is going on inside of them, they are important to me. They matter. I know how self hate can eat away at you. And even if you'll never believe it, it's still nice to hear someone say they love you or they care or that you are wonderful. So, even if it feels strange to me, I've been putting forth an effort to be more affectionate rather than always taking up lap space or taking other people's praises and building up. I don't want to be a taker. I'd rather be a giver, it's just learning balance. I just... I don't get the feeling that it's come across that way.

Anyway, after being with Skid and everyone being back. I was just so happy. I was derpy. Cane asked why I had that derpy grin on my face. It only took him about two seconds to guess what kind of shenanigans I had been up to. It wasn't the sex though (with Skid), it was just... things were good. Genuinely good. No one was mad at me for once. I hadn't said or done the wrong things. We were all doing well it seemed. I had very little weighing on my mind. Even Granny Sabine only mashed her toothless gums at me, but otherwise stayed quite about my Skid adventures. My mind was blissfully quiet. I was enjoying getting to show this side of myself. It was new to me and I wanted to spread a little happiness around. We all need it. We all deserve it. We just rarely get to hold it and when we do... it's never for long. Happiness is fleeting and yet I continue to chase it, pretending, hoping that one day I can hold it without is slipping through my fingers.

Even though Cane's face was a mess, I asked him to take a picture with me. I wanted to be able to look at a picture and remember a time when I was perfectly happy because I knew it wasn't going to last long and I was afraid it would be too long before I felt it again.

 You want a picture of me looking beat to hell? he asked.

Yes, even with him looking bruised and battered, I wanted a photo just like that. At that moment it didn't feel like he was pretending to be anything else, he wasn't hiding parts of him. I even saw these scales he has. Touched 'em too! I did get my picture but then we took another and he did his glamour thing to make himself look just right. I actually have several pictures because I just kept snapping, hoping to get a natural looking one of us both. I hate posed pictures. I got one of me kissing his shoulder and another licking his cheek. It was a perfect afternoon really. Just to be carefree and hang out like friends do. There was no tension, no worry about OMG what are we doing, and OMG the s.e.x. Or let's try not to be awkward. Like everything was totally normal and fun between us. Those are the times I love the very most. Just having fun. My mind never drifted off to wanting anything more from him that day because I was so fulfilled in other ways. Sex is so temporary, it's a momentary high. But all the other stuff, the laughing, the hugs, the chats, and the cheering on friends at duels, all of that stuff is what matters, it's what makes life really worth living. It is those little moments that change everything. It was one of those days that I felt the most at peace with his decision for us not to be fuck buddies. For his sake he had said, but deep down, I know for mine as well. It wasn't long though before I had said something and Cane was getting up to get a drink. I'm pretty sure if I don't learn to shut my mouth around him, he's going to become an alcoholic.

I left pretty soon after that. I had my first shift at Maelstrom, which was horrible by the way. I am the worlds worst bartender and I pretty much hated every moment of it aside from the part where I got a few tips.

Sal had a match for the IFL thing that night, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, but I did just a few minutes late. I stuck close to Cane (of course...) because I don't really know anyone else and Sal was dueling. He asked me about my first night at Maelstrom. I told him awesomely bad it went. Told him I had to talk to people and I hated it. He said he likes when I talk. HA. I called him a liar, just like he is. I swear he needs an entire bottle of bourbon just to get through a conversation with me, or he walks away, or breaks his phone... yeah we don't exactly have the best track record as conversationalist.
 When I talk, I talk too much. And then I make you drink. I told him.

 Oh Bean. "It wasn't you, cher. I'm just trying to get through the day. It's a process." he said. I suppose it was in reference to me saying something earlier that day and him escaping to the bar.

I gave him an affectionate kiss to his arm and told him I was proud of him. Not of the drinking of course, but just that he admitted he was trying. He knew it was a process and he was working it out. I was proud that whatever has been going on, he was facing it. I know how hard that can be. After that we went back to joking and watching Sal's match. I teased Cane about drooling over Sal while he was fighting. That got a real laugh out of him. A genuine laugh that lit him up. It was so nice to see and hear.

Sal ended up winning and Cane and I went to find him since he disappeared after his win. It took a bit but after one bumpy piggy back ride, a nut vendor, bouncing boobs, spilled nuts, and many laughs later, we finally found him down on the docks. Strange place to be when you're supposed to be celebrating a win.

 I love hearing you laugh. I told Cane with a kiss to the top of his head, since I was on his back. And I do. He doesn't laugh enough. None of use do. I swear, these boys. There is nothing in the world that warms my heart more than seeing their faces light up and to hear them laughing. It's such a genuine and hearty sound.

Cane didn't seem keen on putting me down. He had been a little bit of a cuddle whore too. So I stayed on his back. Until I worried about him getting too excitable and me getting tossed off into the water. I can't swim, so the fear was real. Sal told him to put me down, he sounded a little panicked. Even though I was okay, he did set me down.

 I'm klutzy as fuck, I think you ought to hold me. I told him. I had a few drinks at work, before Sal's match. They were making me a little goofy. I sat down on the dock and then tugged Cane to sit too, he had started to get broody for some reason. I don't like it when he has been drinking and then gets quiet and then walks away... it's usually about that time that he disappears entirely. I just wanted to keep him there, I wanted to keep him laughing and smiling and having fun. I didn't want him to brood or leave and get more drunk or something.

I leaned back against him, cozy and content. An entire day of happiness and easy. At some point I did crawl over to Sal to give him a kiss. He gave me a little nuzzle and thanked me for coming to his match.

Out of nowhere.  I almost didn't come. We all heard Cane say. When I looked back at him, he was getting that distant look. What the hell was nagging him. What was wrong. Getting on my knees, I turned to face him. Face to face, I touched his chin.  Hey... don't. I said. I didn't even know what was wrong. Maybe it was nothing. I was just scared that he was going to run. He faked it for a little bit, I think. I gave him a quick peck to his cheek and sat back down. Moments later he was up on his feet and walking away.

We all started to leave then, going our separate ways. I just had this horrible feeling in my gut though. I still didn't know what was going on with Cane and I felt like I had to try. I had to make sure that he knew I wanted to be there for him, even if he couldn't accept the offer. I jogged in his direction.

?Hey.? I called.

I swear he was crying. It was dark though, I couldn't see well, but his eyes...

"I'm not gonna say another word after this if you don't want me to. I don't have a clue what is going on, but my gut is telling me not to let you go home alone. We don't have to talk. You don't even have to look at me. But I'm gonna walk with you."

He put his arm around my shoulder and I put my arm around his back and we walked to his apartment in silence. When we got there, he got into bed and I said a few words. Very little actually. Kind of tucked him in and left. When I shut the door, I heard his sobs. It was the most heartbreaking sound I had ever heard. I sat outside his apartment and texted Sal. I begged him to come over because I didn't want Cane to be alone, but I knew I couldn't be there with him. I knew I would try anything to comfort him and neither of us were very sober. I didn't want to chance doing something with him that could set him back or set us back. Our friendship was perfect. I wasn't going to throw that away, even if it meant not being there for him that night. In the long run, not staying would be best.

The next day I went to check on Cane and bring him some cookies and leftovers I had promised him. I found him laying on the kitchen floor. He was a mess, but at least he ate something. I didn't stay for long. I didn't want to pry and I felt entirely useless, if I stayed I'd probably just sat the wrong thing. I ended up going to the 'Dome later on. Sal and I dueled a match. It was incredible. I beat him by the skin of my teeth. Neither of us held back, at least it didn't feel like he did. I hit the floor and really did have a hard time getting up, but I played it off for a surprise attack and that worked out pretty well. Cane seemed, I don't know. He was watching the ring like a hawk and when I got out, I just laid on the floor. I was buzzing with excitement but so exhausted from a proper ass kicking fight. I think he thought I was really hurt, but the wards take care of any serious wounds, so I was fine. Zynn came in a bit later. I don't know her well, but she seems really nice. She's a friend of Cane's so I'm hoping maybe through his connection I can get to know her a little better. It'd be good for me to widen my circle a bit, even if it's hard for me. After a quick chat with Zynn, Cane and I left to go back to my apartment. I was making dinner before we were going to meet up with everyone else to watch Rei and Skid's fight for the IFL tournament. I think... everything is kind of running together.

I really need to write in this thing more regularly.

Let's see. Cane had promised to come back after the fight to stay the night with me. He was going to tell me stories. It'd been a while since I had one. He had been drinking quite a lot at the IFL thing and I had a little to drink too. He was kind of buzzed I think and I was just feeling happy from the alcohol. Sal had already texted us both to behave. I had no plans of doing otherwise and I'm pretty damn sure Cane didn't either. In fact, I said as much.

"I assume you got a similar message I did?" I asked him when I saw him checking his phone too.

"He said if I fucked ya he'd cut my dick off."

"Yeah, well I don't think we have to worry about that."

"Why not?" he asked me.

Uh... really?
?Because you're on strike. And I don't want to hurt you.? I answered with a smile.

?You're a good friend.? he told me.

?Yeeep.? I answered. ?I shall go down as the cat lady who was a great friend.? I said jokingly. I asked him how his strike was going with the others. ?Uh.? Was his reply. ?That well?? I asked.

We went and got ready for bed then. I still had some of his sweats and a shirt, I think from after my birthday party, so he changed into those.

?So.? I said once we were changed and in bed.

?So.? He replied and then told me to get a paper from the back pocket of his jeans on the floor.

I retrieved the paper and asked if he wanted me to open it. He nodded and so I did. Instead of words, it was a sketch of a young man smiling.

?That's my Jeremy.? Cane told me.

Shit. This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for. For Cane to really open up to me about Jeremy and about what had been going on. I was completely unprepared for it.

?Oh.? I said softly, running my finger over the drawing. ?He's lovely.? I told him. He was truly. Even though it was just a drawing, the warmth of his smile had been perfectly captured and his eyes held the most inviting look. They were the kind of eyes that you could drown in. The kind of eyes that felt like home. If he looked like this in a sketch, I couldn't imagine how beautiful he must have been in the flesh. I knew little about Jeremy, just bits from Cane's stories, but it was easy to understand how easy Jeremy was to love. If he was this captivating on paper, what must it have been like to love him when you could actually hold him and lose yourself in him? I folded the paper back up, setting it aside. Not because I didn't want to look at Jeremy but because I was scared. I didn't know what to say or do.

Cane started to talk then, asking me if I remembered how old he is. Seventy-four.

?You know how many people I've come across in that time who've ever touched me so deeply??

?Just your Jeremy?? I replied. It wasn't really a question because it was obvious.

?Just him.? He replied. ?This young unassuming mundane kid from the bay. Never thought someone could consume me so entirely, but he was everything. I left my home. My life. Everything for him. I set aside magic so we could live a normal life. Hell, I ignored a fucking supernatural war for him.? He paused. ?I thought I'd get to watch him grow old. Be there right next to him.?

I had taken his hand in mine, gently stroking his fingers. I was trying to be supportive and soothing as he spoke.

?That's pretty special to have someone like that in your life. How did it happen? You lost him... to what?? I spoke so quietly. I was on pins and needles because I wanted to handle this matter so delicately. I didn't want to do anything to push him over the edge or cause him to run. Not when he was finally opening up to me.
Cane was starting to get pretty emotional now, but was trying to hold it back. ?He um... He was murdered. We was together for seventeen years. I was out of town that night. It never would have happened if I'd been home.?

?Hey, it's okay.? I told him. If he wanted to lose it, he could. I wasn't going to judge him. ?It's just me and you.? Reminding him that no one else was seeing this. He could break down, he could scream and cry. Whatever he needed. ?That's amazing. Seventeen years.? To me that seems like a long time. Not that I suppose seventeen years is long enough when it comes to loving someone so completely. Forever wouldn't be long enough.

?Which is harder? That you lost him or that you blame yourself?? I assumed the last part based upon the way he had worded this. 'It never would have happened if...'

He pulled his hand away from me and rolled over. ?I don't. I don't blame myself really. Just that the situation happened at all. My brother died that night too.? I had never known he lost a brother as well. Sitting up, he rubbed a hand over his face. ?I just wanted you to know why I'm such a fucking mess right now. When I got sent away, Nash locked up my heart. Made it so I couldn't use it. Spells like that ain't made to last. They need to be reapplied and since he isn't here to do it, it's slowly been wearing off. Course, I went and met you and Salvador. Y'all shitheads had to go and make me start caring again. Made the spell wear off even faster. I'm dealing with my lover and my brothers deaths. Eighteen months of emotion all at once. I'm fucked up. And I'm sorry, but I'm dealing with it the best I can. I don't want you thinking I'm pushing you away. I'm not.?

It was so much to take it. Something seemed to have changed in him though while he spoke. I don't know what it was.

?I didn't mean to accuse, just the way you said it. It sounded a bit like regrets or self blame.? In regards to him thinking things would be different if he had been there the night Jeremy died. ?I'm sorry that you went through that. That you're still going through it.? I tried to touch him in soothing and comforting ways.

?You don't have to apologize to me for anything. We're all going through things and we're all just dealing the best that we can. I want to be there for you, I do, but I might not be what you need. Maybe it's easier for you to share this stuff with Sal. I don't blame you for that. I'm sorry that on top of everything else you're dealing with, you're having to expend any time or emotion thinking about me. That's not fair.? And I meant all of it.

I was trying to let him know that he wasn't alone in going through stuff because I didn't want him to feel like he was being less of a man for being upset. I wanted him to know that we were all there for him. Even if I am not very good at it, if I'm not what he needs, I'll still try. I've never been jealous of Cane's lovers or friends, with one exception. I have felt jealousy in the way that Sal knows how to comfort Cane. It's not that I'm jealous that Cane doesn't come to me. It's jealousy over the fact that I don't possess the type of qualities to be able to comfort someone properly. I don't know how to say or do the right things in the moment. Sal is... not the best with words and generally a dick, yet some how he just knows. He does something right. It's a wonderful gift that he has and I'm happy that he has it. I can't pretend to know what really goes on behind closed doors between he and Cane, but I am grateful that Cane has him.

?Thank you for telling me.? I continued. I had started crying. Not because I was upset about anything to do with me, but because my heart was aching for Cane. To lose such a great love. I can't even fathom it. I never really knew that that kind of love truly existed. To have it and then for it to be cut short. How cruel this world is. I was angry for him. I cried too because so much was beginning to make sense about him. So many questions I had. So many fears and concerns and selfish longing. None of that mattered anymore. I understood now why he had said he didn't have a heart. I thought I was beginning to understand why he didn't want to sleep with me anymore beyond our one time. Why he was on the sex strike as I call it. It was so much at once.

You can know a man...think that you know him more intimately than most of the world, but then to find out the suffering and pain that has lurked beneath the surface. The torture he has endured on a daily basis just to get out of bed and keep breathing. It gives you a completely new appreciation and understanding. I have always thought Cane was beautiful, but he became so much more beautiful to me in those moments. Sadness, pain, and agony bleed through him, he spends his nights trying to fight off the loneliness, at war with himself, and yet he keeps on. He fights to keep living, he fights to replace the pain with something more. And through it all, how many fucking times has he been there for me? He's tried to take on my demons and Sal's demons. I felt like such a fucking bitch for ever complaining about my life. Maybe it's not fair to compare, but anything I had been through seemed so minuet at the time.

?I'm sorry you're hurting but, in a way, I'm glad the spell wore off. You've got to deal with this. You're too wonderful to only be half living. You deserve better than that.? Jeremy deserves better than that, I wanted to say. Jeremy would want you to really live and to be happy. All the things I wanted to say but bit back on. It wasn't my place to speak of Jeremy as if I had a fucking clue. I was afraid of saying clich? and uncomforting things. I was trying, but I was truly at a loss. I thought my words were good ones. I wanted him to know that it wasn't enough to just get by. Maybe for a while that's all he could do. But after seeing his fight, I knew I wanted to see more for him. I wanted to see him blossom and to reach every potential he has. I wanted him to know that I believed in him and knew that he could battle this all head on and that he would succeed.

?Please don't.? he said when he knew I was crying. ?What I have in y'all is the only thing keeping me going right now.? He told me.

?I think we feel the same. I know I do. I didn't expect you. Sal. I didn't expect you to be so wonderful. I didn't expect to love you.? I meant all of them really. Cane, Sal, Skid. I love all of them so much. Their friendship is more than I could ever hope for. I don't deserve any of them. I wanted him to know how much I care and that he really is special. I thought building him up was the right thing to do in the moment. ?You taught me things. You've kept me going and I hope that I can play a continual part in returning the favor to you.? I told him how I could say all those stupid things people say when someone dies, but I knew it didn't really help.

?Did you get a chance to celebrate his life?? I asked next. I had been trying to dance delicately around the subject of Jeremy, not wanting to prod or pull information from him that he wasn't ready to give.

?I wish.? He said. And then nothing. He was getting up from bed.

?What? Where you going??

?Home. I'm sorry. I know I promised you a story and all I gave you was my problems.?

WHAT?!

?Cane.? I got up. ?Are you fucking kidding me? I would listen to you all night and all day. All week. You don't know what it means that you shared that with me. Please don't apologize. The only thing I'm worried about now is that you're running or that I've said the wrong thing. I'm not asking for anything back from you. But I just wish.? I wished he quit running. I just wanted him to stay and talk to me. Allow me the chance to be there for him. It was just happening and now he was leaving. I was at a loss.

?I don't want to hurt you. If you need to go...? I said next. I couldn't make him stay if I wasn't the friend he needed. I already knew Sal was better for him in this way. It would be selfish of me to try and keep him there if it wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't my right to tell him how to grieve or what he needed.

?I NEED!? he shouted at me and then cut himself off.

I flinched away from him. Even with all the stupid stunts I've pulled, I don't think he's ever shouted at me like that. I attempted to hold him then, thinking that maybe he was just hitting a breaking point. I wanted to try and keep his pieces together. If I could just hold him. If I could just keep reassuring him that I was there and willing to listen, that I wasn't going to judge him. ?Please don't run. Whatever you need, tell me. Just please don't run.? I was so scared he was going to leave and lose himself in the bottom of a bottle. I had the images of him laying on his kitchen floor still in my mind. His sobs. I didn't want him to be alone. No one deserves to be alone with that kind of pain.

?What I need ain't here. But I'm not running.? he said.

?Oh. Okay.? Because what could I say? ?I'm sorry.? I went to retrieve his picture for him, not wanting him to leave it behind. ?What I need, Sabine is something I can't have no more because he's gone. And I'm so scared I'll never be happy again.?

I was crying harder now because I was so affected by his sadness. His pain was so real to me I could taste it as if it were my own, even if I could never understand the depths of it.

?I believe in you.? I told him. I believe you can be happy again. I believe that you don't have to be a shell of a man. I believe... ?You couldn't be so wonderful for nothing.? I was afraid of touching him though. I wish I would have stopped. If I could my words back. But of course I didn't. I let my fears of what he would do when he left become realized and I spoke.

?So what? What you need isn't here. It isn't anywhere. So now you're going to go fuck? Lose yourself in the bottom of a bottle? Beat the shit out of something or get the shit beaten out of you??

?Fuck.? He was getting away from me, stumbling right into a wall. ?I ain't a good person.? He was swaying as he walked down the stairs from the loft to the living room.

?Be careful.? I told him. I was afraid he'd fall and break his drunken neck. I was afraid still of saying the wrong thing, yet afraid of not saying anything and him leaving and something horrible happening to him. How could he think he was so horrible? How could he think he is a bad person?

"You don't get to tell me what to believe about you." I screamed at him."Someone who isn't a good person wouldn't give a shit about someone like me. Someone who isn't a good person wouldn't put their life on the line, not once but twice and maybe even more than that. Someone who isn't a good person wouldn't spend an obscene amount of time spoiling a stupid little girl and giving into her stupid fucking fantasies of being someone that matters. You gave a shit about me and you didn't have to. I will never stop reminding you what you mean to me. Of how you make me feel. Or the fact that you saved my fucking pitiful life and not just from Sal but from me. You made me feel... you made me feel loved. You gave me hope. And I will not give up on you. I don't care what you do or who you fuck. I just...wanted to know because I was hoping that if you were doing any of those things, you'd be safe. "

How could he not see it? How did he not know what a good person he is? Didn't he know we all make mistakes? We all do things that are wrong. We are all imperfect. But those are not the things that stand out, it's all of his selflessness and giving qualities, his humor, his strength, his caring.. I was angry at him for talking about my friend that way. For thinking so little of himself. Why was he so blind? My Mother never loved me. I never have known what it is to love and be loved and suddenly I have these amazing people in my life. It's such a gift.

?I'll be fine. I'm just going home to sleep.? he told me.

I sat down on the stairs, watching him. ?Can you tell me one thing.? So selfish little girl. He owed me nothing. NOTHING. He was hurting beyond anything I could imagine and here I wanted answers. Some how I was making this about me.

?Why am I not good enough? You'd rather go home and be alone.? I wiped away tears. ?Forget it.? because I realized I shouldn't be asking. It just hurt that the door had been opened up between us, he was telling me things, and then the door was slammed shut. What was it about me that prevented anyone from confiding in me? Maybe I'm too selfish on top of everything else.

Why am I so fucking ill equipped to handle this shit? I spent my whole life taking care of my Mother. I was her care taker, her punching bag, her shoulder to cry on, I cleaned her up and tucked her into bed after more drunken nights and drug binges than I can count. You'd think I'd be better at this.

"I don' love ya like that, Sabine." He said.

It seemed almost out of nowhere. I wasn't even sure I had heard him correctly. Where had that come from?

?Excuse me?? I asked. I was in shock. I went right into protect mode. Save yourself. Run away. Anything to not have to deal with this. Say something awful. Make him hate you. Make him go away.

?I never asked you to. I never asked you for something you said you couldn't give me from the start. I love you. I am not IN love with you. I love Sal. I am not in love with Sal. I love Skid. I am not in love with Skid. I am not IN love with anyone. I didn't ask for it. I don't need it. I don't want it. So do not stand there and try to protect me fro ma broken heart. I will never love someone who cannot love me back again. Ever. And you made that perfectly clear.? I didn't even have any tears left to cry. I was just shaking.

?We're obviously on two different pages. I just wanted to care about you. I wanted to know why you'd rather be alone than with a friend.? I walked down the stairs, ready to dismiss him. ?Are we done now??

I was just so hurt. So confused.
?I don't love you like that.?

What the fuck?! I had never in my wildest dreams entertained and idea that he had or that he would love me like ?that?. I had never even let it cross my own mind that I was in love with him. He had laid down the law early on. I was doing my best to respect his boundaries. I don't even know HOW to be in love. I said I didn't know how to love, but truthfully, I do. I always have. I just didn't want to. I loved my mother and she never loved me. I did my best to never love anyone else, to not get close enough to get hurt. It didn't work. I did learn to love. But being in love is something quite different.

Cane stared at me and left. I bolted the door behind him and turned to lean against the door, sliding down it into a heap. The sob that tore from me wasn't even human. It was animalistic and raw. It mimicked the pain I felt.

As his fist slammed into the door from the other side, I felt the vibrations go down the door. I felt his fist hit the wood as if it were my own head, it rattled that much. ?Fuck you.? He screamed. ?Fuck you and your lies, Sabine.? I heard his heavy foot steps leave the porch and heard him as he yelled ?Goddamnit.?

I didn't sit there for long. I couldn't. I was in protect and flight mode still. I knew if I stayed home, I knew what I would do. I knew that wouldn't stop thinking about everything and that I would try to find comfort in my razors, my daggers, a steak knife. Anything to make it all go away. I went to Sal's and to the basement and spent uncounted hours punching, kicking, and pouring all of my emotions into training. At some point I think I collapsed on one of the mats and slept. I was so exhausted the rest of the day that followed, that I'm not sure if I actually slept or if I just laid there trying to cut off every emotions, every feeling.

I had a tournament that night, the Golden Apple tournament. I was glad to have it as a distraction. I did the best that I could do. I tied twice, lost one, and one won. Considering how new I am, I was proud, but even that wasn't enough to keep my feelings at bay. The just kept creeping up, kept trying to pull me down. I knew if that happened they'd swallow me up. I was so afraid of drowning. I didn't want to be that low ever again. I had spent too much time there. I was only just learning to swim. How could this be happening again? I didn't even try to sleep Friday night. I just kept walking around town. I went to Sal's again and trained more. All Saturday I kept it up. I dueled Saturday night. Won one and lost one. I was so exhausted. I was a mess at the duels. My shoulders were hurting so bad that I could barely keep up against Rhi. After the duel, I saw Evelyn. I think she said something about my duel, something nice. I was so out of it I don't even know. She's a nice girl, I just wasn't there. I couldn't handle a conversation or exchange pleasantries. She overwhelms me normally because she's always ON. I knew that I couldn't handle her then. I went to the couch and sat down, hoping I'd rest up enough to duel again. I ended up nodding off. When I woke up like fifteen minutes later, I just left. I think I got maybe two or three hours of sleep after that. I was so exhausted that my body just gave in but my mind wouldn't allow me any peace. I went to Sal's again this morning, Sunday and spent most of the morning and early afternoon practicing more. Tonight was supposed to be fight night and I had planned on doing that, but when I got there, the doors were locked. After I finished practicing at Sal's today, I went to the Inn.

When I got there, Cane was back. Evelyn was there. Sal came in. Sin came soon after. I tried my best to be normal. It didn't work very well. Cane and I barely exchanged words. Sin spoke to me, he asked me if I'd go to dinner with him. I accepted after some hesitation. Cianan came in too and was giving me helpful advice about not over doing my training. Apparently I look like shit. Well, not apparently because I know I do. I have had a handful of hours of sleep in the last several days, I've been fighting not stop and am bruised and battered. I certainly haven't been eating enough to keep me functioning properly. I was just so angry. So on edge. I didn't want Cianan's advice. I HOPED that if I just kept up, eventually my body was just give up. Maybe then I could sleep. Maybe then I could get some kind of relief. I left.

I texted Cane, told him I'm glad he made it back.

I texted Sal, asked him if I should be scared about dinner with Sin. His reply seemed... annoyed.

It's not that I'm scared of Sin, persay. I mean he's been so nice and gentle when he speaks to me. I guess... I was over thinking things. I feel so inadequate. I am entirely insignificant. Why would Sin want to waste his time on me? It seems like his time is precious, like he has very little free time. I know Sal would like to be with him more. Why would he waste those precious hours that he could be with Sal... with me? If he was willing to give me any amount of his time then it must be for a good reason. Of course I figured that it must be that I've done something wrong. He must need to lay into me, straighten me out, tell me to stay away from Sal and stop causing problems. I don't know. My mind was just going wild with all these insecure ideas. I hope Sal doesn't think that I think ill of Sin. I don't. I think very highly of him. It's me that is the problem.

And now. I sit at home. Finally trying to deal with the shit storm that happened between Cane and I.

Am I in love with him?

I don't know. Honestly.

I love him. I care about him. I would do anything for him. I have very much enjoyed taking care of him and feeding him. But I feel that way and would do those things for any of my friends. Taking care of people gives me purpose again. I know how to cook and clean and manage a house. I did it my whole life. When I had to leave home and didn't have my mom to take care of anymore, I kind of floundered for a while trying to find purpose. I feel like I have purpose again. This is what I do. I take care of people. Or try.

I know that I don't want to own or possess him. I'm not jealous of his other lovers. In fact, I quite like the ones I know. I think he is very attractive, inside and out. I want to have sex with him, but I mean, I just want to have sex in general. He's a safer choice than me running around and getting some nasty disease or ending up with some asshole. More than the sex though, I want to be his friend and not have sex with him because I don't want to compromise any advancements he's made in healing himself. That whole reason for the sex strike. More than the sex, I have enjoyed how things were going.

There are hundreds of reasons that I should be in love with him.

If I did. If I was. Why is that a bad thing? Why would it warrant him telling me that he didn't feel that way? Why would my lying about it be a bad thing? ?Fuck you and your lies Sabine.? What would it matter? If he doesn't love me that way, why would I ever own up to feeling that way? Its a total non issue because there is no discussing it. He is not in love with me. He will not. He cannot.

I'm nineteen. I'm not ready for some super serious committed relationship or to believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters. I just want to have fun and explore and experience everything. I have never allowed myself to even contemplate the idea of being in love. I never expected to even have friends let alone think about things like boyfriends and relationships.

And now?

My heart is so broken. I have had this horrible ache in my chest for days. I can't eat. I can't sleep. And I'm agonizing over this over this stupid fucking idea of being in love.

Is it possible that he sees the signs and I don't even know them?

Is he paranoid? Is he paranoid about another fucking kid coming along and him some how ruining them?

I wish I had answers. I WISH I could say yes or no. Either I am in love with him or I am not. But I don't know where I stand and I don't know why it even matters.

Why can't things just be how they've been? I didn't ask him to love me. I just asked him to let me be his friend. To let me be there. To let me in.

Maybe that was my fault. Maybe those are not things you're not supposed to ask for in friends. Maybe those are things that just happen. Maybe by my asking I came across as too eager, too needy, too selfish.

There is no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be there for him and comfort him, truly. But how much was for me too? How much did I want him to think of me as a confidant so that I felt needed and special? So that I had purpose. So that I didn't feel so useless and incapable.

Perhaps I was too consumed by my need and my desire to feel important that it overshadowed the only thing that mattered.

Him.

And now... I don't know if I have anything at all.

The nights are once again the hardest.

Hurts to breath.

I miss him.

(Written over a span of several days.)

April 6th

It's been so long since I have sat down to write, I'm not sure I can even do it anymore. I have lost so many memories, forgotten the little details that I usually obsess over, it seemed pointless to try and write again. Where would I start? What would I say? So many things have changed, I have new perspectives, yet somehow I am still so much of who I have been. I wish I could say that I've made more progress, faster, better, but there are still too many days where I drown in my own mind and obsess over my fears and the what ifs of life. I don't know how to let those things go. I don't know how to be free of my demons. We all have them. Why do I feel guilty for mine? The guilt is just something else to weigh on me, something else that I use to beat myself up. So much guilt.

Where to start. I'm a Baron...baroness now. The title is ?Baron of Old Market.? I won my challenge against Hope in two matches where it came down to sudden death each time. I hate sudden death, but somehow, I managed to keep my head clear enough to make smart choices in both attacking and defending myself against her. She is not an easy fight, not by any means. I am proud of myself, I am proud of what I have done in a relatively short amount of time in the dueling venues. I have become stronger in mind and body, I have more discipline, and I am gaining confidence. But it is still weird when my friends celebrate my success or call me by that title. It's embarrassing. Not because I'm not proud but because I'm me and it draws more attention to me, singles me out. I feel like I have a target on my back now. I don't think I will remain unchallenged for very long. I am proud of myself, I did this for me, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. I wanted to know that perhaps I am not mediocre in every way, but that I can actually be very talented or even excel at something. Everyone around me has such amazing talents, it's nice to have something of my own that I can be proud of, even if I don't intend to flaunt it or capitalize on the ?fame? I hear can come with these titles. That sort of thing is so fleeting anyway.

Maybe I did it a little bit for Sal too. I like making him happy and proud of me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't even be dueling, I wouldn't have found this outlet. It's been so good for me. I don't know how to repay him for all he has done for me. If people only knew the kind of man he really is. I'm not trying to romanticize him, I know what he is in his core, but I think he is so much more than he believes. Cane sees it. Sin sees it. Skid too. It's why people fall in love with him so easily. He is easy to love. Incredibly fucking difficult to love too. Maybe like me. We are both a little needy, maybe little isn't quite strong enough for what I am. We both want to be loved but have a difficult time in returning it, expressing it, and handling it appropriately. Despite how strong he is, I think he spends a great deal of time being scared too. I think he worries about people leaving him. I have that fear. How long could anyone possibly love me? How long could they stick by me and handle this crazy before they throw their hands up and walk away? Sometimes it's easier to drive people away then to standby waiting for what you believe is the inevitable. It's mostly assumptions on my part because I only get small glimpses into Sal's mind, the one that he keeps so carefully guarded. Sometimes he lets me in. I like when I get a chance to be there for him. I like when I get chances to really know him. I don't think anyone will ever know him like his lovers do, there are things that he reveals only to them, but it's nice that he sometimes trusts me with his secrets, his fears, vulnerabilities. It is a rare treat, but they mean so much to me. There is a moment I remember, one that I want to put here because I never want to forget. It was just after Christmas I believe. He and I were at the Inn and we both became overwhelmed, sensory overload he said and he got me out of there. He knew how hard it was and he got me out. We walked and talked about things, some pretty deep things, things that hurt. That was the night he told me he loved me. He was heartbroken over what he and Sin were going through and he was talking in Spanish, the way he does sometimes when he gets emotional. He told me that I was lovely and he loved me and said I was his dear friend.

That was the first time that Sal told me what I meant to him. Of course I knew he cared, but it was nice to hear. Some people think that words don't matter and I can see how they would think that, but words are something I like. I was never given kind words before, I was never given kind anything. Maybe words can be empty and a person's actions can reveal more than what is said, but I can't help but like them. Maybe it's the romantic in me, but I like to hear pretty things, even if I tend to not believe them. Anyway, that was a really special night to me. The night I won the Barony was another. Sal was so fucking happy and so excited. He jumped into the ring at the end and picked me up and then he kissed me! I know that it shouldn't mean anything to me and after all this time it should not affect me, but uh.. hello! Sal has lip piercings now, holy fuck me now. I mean, not really because I just don't see Sal like that anymore, but for a brief second or sixty of them, I might have thought that. IF I could have processed a thought. Sal broke my brain. Ass. I don't even remember Hope handing over her ring to me, it happened because I have it, don't remember. Nothing was computing. Do you even know how nice those piercings feel? Very interesting. I quite like them. A lot. And well Sal's kisses. Hehehehehe. Yes, I am dissolving into schoolgirlish giggles here. The man knows how to kiss and he knows how to kiss me. He knows what he does to me. Brat.

So that was my first big win. Maybe everything with Sal is still as special as it is because I almost ruined things with him and now I appreciate him so much more. That was early December, the night he and I and Cane went to the club. I did something, something stupid, and it just spiraled into the worst thing ever. Me and my mouth. I wasn't even allowed to touch Sal after that. December was a very strange month for me. Sal and Cane fell in love then and I didn't handle it well. It wasn't that I was unhappy for them because nothing could be farther from the truth, but I floundered. I didn't know where I belonged anymore and was so worried about becoming unimportant that I tried to force myself into their lives. That feeling lasted for a while, into January when I realized even more how all of our friendships were changing. Even when things between Sal and I became less strained, I still felt a little lost. Every time I see him, I still remember what I did. The words that were said. The anger and frustration. I worry that he still looks at me and that's all he remembers, all he sees is this fuck up. I still get embarrassed every time I see him. I hide it, but I do. I am so ashamed of some of my actions. I replay this situation along with others over and over in my head, its such twisted punishment. That's why I am so surprised that he gave me those lovely words after Christmas and why even though so many of my friends were there to cheer me on, Sal being there and being proud of me... that's what meant the most. He's still here and I still have a place in his life. He still anchors me after all these months. When I'm scared, when I'm running, when I need advice, I still find myself going to Matadero and seeking him out or seeking out the solace of his home and the safety and peace it offers me. Why I went to him when I realized I was in love for the first time and so confused about the feelings that were inside of me. He's just there, he's always been there for me. Like Sin, he reminds me of who I am, what I can be. He helps me to be brave. Our relationship has evolved into something more, something more than anything I could have expected when I used to have my silly crush on him. More than some meaningless fling that I used to think would be fun, there is respect. I respect him and he respects me. There is a mutual caring and a bond that is so precious to me, it seems silly that once upon a time, I thought being with him sexually would be the ultimate experience or that is the kind of relationship I wanted with him. I wouldn't trade this for all the sex in the world. Sex is given away freely and cheaply and unthinkingly. But his friendship, it's priceless and it's not something easily earned or given.

I can't believe I have written almost two pages about him when I didn't think I'd be able to write anything at all. We haven't spent a lot of time together in the past two or three months and I miss him. I miss he and Cane. But I love that when I see them, we can pick right back up like no time at all has passed. I love that they are as in love and gross as ever.

What else? Well there are many elses but again where to being?
Three and a half months late, but... I met a guy. Ketch. We met like the week before Christmas at the Inn. I was different that week, I was trying to assert my independence and make it on my own and pick up my bruised ego from the fall out with Sal. I was strutting with false confidence and high on the prospects of Christmas and being with my friends. But that's when I met him, he walked me home several times and that's how it all started. I think it was just after New Years that we decided to give things a go. Of course I had my stipulations and a laundry lists of questions, what ifs, and gray areas to sort into black and white. Be with me, but don't consume me. Want me but don't possess me. Things like that. Like I had a clue of what a functional relationship looked like. I was in protection mode from the start with him. I had to protect me. Maybe it's because I knew, I knew from the moment that I met him what he would mean to me. Maybe I knew all along that I would fall in love with him. And maybe I knew that I would never feel so vulnerable and so scared of losing anyone in my entire life. From the start I tried to stall my feelings, tried to give him rules that allowed me to keep my heart guarded, and he respected them. He went along with my wishes and agreed to my terms. I told him not to fall in love with me early on, I told him what I've said many times before, that I can't love and I wouldn't love him back. Lines that I've said before because I refused to acknowledge the heart within me and it's need to love and be loved because of all of my stupid fears and the fact that I am so broken, I thought I was beyond repair. I thought that I was unlovable and I never wanted to be rejected again like I had been for the entirety of my life.

And somehow despite all of my warnings, my rules, my walls, my crazy... we fell in love. February 15th was the night I told him. The prior days had been hard for us, I was being extra difficult and I realized why. I was being awful because I was so scared because I realized that I had fallen for him. I was scared and angry. How could I? And what the hell was I supposed to do with that kind of feeling and these emotions. As if I didn't have enough feelings and emotions just oozing out of me and fucking up my life... now I've got to deal with LOVE?! Ugh. It was just so foreign to me and unexpected that I had no idea of how to handle it. I was miserable. I dueled, I think I had a tournament actually and I was crying through the first part of it. Afterwards I went to Sal's because I had to talk to him, I knew he'd have advice or at least would offer me some sort of comfort. Sal told me to be brave and to be honest with Ketch and we talked about his relationships, his experience with love, and how him being polyamorous works. That's a subject I had been considering in regards to myself. I never liked the idea of belonging to one person, loving one person, that one person could complete you and all of that stuff. Once I started to let people into my life I think I realized that I have a need for people, to care for them, to love them, to be needed by them. I didn't understand how you could pick out one person and be like ?This is my human forever. This is the one.? I never knew though that polyamory was real and it's okay and there are plenty of happy and functional adults relationships that are polyamorous. Part of me still thinks, well okay it works for other people but it's not for me. I feel guilty for thinking the way I do. I feel selfish and unsatisfied. I worried about how that would affect my relationship with Ketch, how would it make him feel? He knew from the start that I was interested in an open relationship and he was okay with that so long as we had honest communication. But it's hard to believe that he was really okay with it, maybe because I was not. I am not. I'm struggling with it because everything I know, everything I've read about love, observed about love, it all centers around this idea that two people come together and that's all they need and that THAT is true love.

Anyway, after sorting through my head, Sal took me hunting, made sure I was well fed and then I went home to prepare for what I needed to tell Ketch. I set up candles everywhere in my apartment, I put on something slinky, and I tried to figure out how I would tell him. I had been singing a song for about a week in the shower and couldn't get it out of my head. It was that night that I realized why.


When Ketch walked in, I think he was thrown for a loop. We had had a rough few nights prior, we were rocky, I was unpredictable as ever and throwing my chaos into his well compartmentalized life. He asked me if this, the set up, the candles, the outfit, was penance for some unknown sin.

"You could say that. I have so many sins Ketch. And you have taken the brunt of all of them. I need to talk to you before ...before I say too much or before I try to get out of telling you what needs to be said. Sal said I had to be honest with you about us. About what I want. He said I had to make sure you knew... I'm not always very good at saying things. And I'm not very good at the guitar either. But I need my hands to be busy. Please just let me get this out before you say anything. Okay?"

And so I sang to him. I sang him the song that I had been singing all week in the shower. I didn't know how to say those three words and so instead I stumbled through the song, crying and sniffling, hoping he would understand.

"Wise men say only fools rush in.?But I can't help falling in love with you.?Shall I stay, would it be a sin.?If I can't help falling in love with you..." It was the longest two and a half minutes of my life.

And then he spoke.

"You told me not to fall in love with you. That was one of the first conversations we ever had," he started. "You turn my thoughts end over end on a regular basis, make me question myself at every turn. This is not what I expected after last night....after today. You....you love me?"

"I'm sorry." I told him. "I tried not to. I tried to...I've never been so scared. I've never done this. He said I had to tell you. That you had to be sure of how I felt about you first...before... anything else. He said it would be worth it. I really hope it's worth it because I'm really scared. You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. Out of all the uncertainties, you are the one thing I feel sure about. And I'd really like it if you would let me love you."

He asked me a few questions and then gave me words.

?I'd be lying if I said I haven't spent time fighting falling in love with you. I have a really bad habit of fucking things up, but I'd try to let you love me if you'd try to let me love you back."

I was so shocked by the fact that he wanted to love me. I wasn't processing what he was telling me. I thought he meant that he could work towards it.

"You would like to try to love me?" I asked him.

"I would, yes, if you'd let me. Try might be the wrong word choice there, because I think I've slipped up several times already and done it. Is that....are you sure that's what you want?"

After more talking, he spoke clearly enough for me to get it. He gave me the words that I so badly wanted to hear. Needed to hear.

"Those words are really hard for me to say, Sabine. I have the feelings, I do. I want to say them..."

"I do. I love you. It's what I feel."

(continues in next post)

June 8th, 2015

When you fall in love, they never tell you that it?s not just a piece of your heart you lose when it?s over. A piece of your heart is risky enough. But pieces of your future, your plans, your dreams, even your memories become tainted. Everything changes. It goes from ?We? to ?I? and immediately you have to learn to function in ways that at one time were all you knew, but now seem so foreign and scary. It?s like riding a bike with one wheel. It feels impossible as you drag through your days just trying to keep going.

There are new fears, anger that can spark at the strangest moments, pain, so much pain that you?d do anything to cut it out of yourself. You would do anything to not risk feeling that kind of ache deep in your bones. When you love someone and then it?s over, it feels as if someone has taken the marrow from your bones. You feel hollow, weak, and slightest thing can drop you to your knees and you forget how to breathe.

I refused to acknowledge that he hurt me. I refused to give into the anger. I gave myself one drunken night to wallow and one night to sob uncontrollably as I begged every deity that I don?t believe in to make the pain stop. I never allowed myself to believe that it was over. I hoped. We shared letters between us but for every hopeful word that I put on to paper, he had a way to deny me. There were reasons and walls and no matter what I said, my choice I had been made for me. It was over. It is over.

I don?t like feeling weak or powerless, but that?s exactly how I felt when I had my choice taken away from me. When the decision to throw my world upside down was made for me. And I am angry. I am so fucking angry and hurt.

There was a time, it was at the cabin, when I wanted to run. When trying to get on the same page with him seemed like too much. When letting him in, acknowledging what he was becoming to me was the scariest thing in the world. I was so close to leaving. He made me make a choice. I did. I chose to stay. I chose to fight. I chose him. I stupidly thought that we would both be in this, fighting for each other, for us. And he gave up. If someone asked him, I?m sure the story would be different. He has given me reasons, so many reasons why he had to do this. Why this was for the best. And no matter what he tells me, I keep coming back to the same conclusion. He gave up on me. I don?t know how to believe anything else even when the facts are so glaringly obvious.

I?m only now allowing myself to process this. Allowing myself to be angry, although it is in secret, in my private moments. I grieve for what I lost and for everything that could have been. I don?t think I will ever tell him. He isn?t the sort to lord it over me or rub it in my face. He?s a good man. But him knowing I?m hurt, that I?m angry? it gives him too much power over me. I want to keep it to myself, own it, and digest it, and not allow anyone else to see how vulnerable I feel. How weak. How lost. How regardless of knowing that I never wanted someone to mean that much to me, to rely on someone that way, I did. I did and I feel so foolish. I told him I would never regret him. Never regret us or loving him. But, part of me is so angry with myself because I knew better. I knew better than to ever believe someone could see me, day in and day out, see all my ugly parts, and still want me. Love me. I am angry because I feel out of control. I need control again and I?m just so...lost.


And most of all I think I?m the angriest about the fact that I still love him. I love him. And I don?t know how to stop. I am terrified that I might always love him. What if I do? What if I mess up what is now in front of me because I never let go of him? I have to let him go. I can feel my love for him changing, I can see the truths that he brought to light, and I know? I know that we would have had to fight, it might have always been a struggle for us. We were so different and there was our age difference. But I so childishly believed that if you love someone, it just works. That loving someone is enough. But it?s not.

I was so intent on being strong, not letting him see how broken I was. I thought that if I could show him that I could be mature about this, reasonable, not an emotional wreck, that maybe he would consider an alternative. Maybe we could start again. We know where we went wrong, maybe it could be fixed. He fixes things, cupboards, leaky faucets, cars. Why not us? Why wasn?t I worth it?

I should have told him when I had the chance that I needed him to hold my hand, to call me baby, that I needed those little things, and I needed to hear him say that he loved me. I think all I?ve ever wanted in life is to love and be loved. And I always let my fears convince me that he didn?t love me, that if he did, he would want to do those little things. That he?d be moved to tell me how he felt. But I didn?t want him to think I was trying to change him. I wanted to be strong and instead I ended up being so pathetic in other ways.

None of it matters anymore. It?s over. I know this. I understand this. And now I have to process it and close that door. I have to move on. I am moving on. I have...I?ve.

What the fuck am I doing?

There is someone new. That something that is standing in front of me. That something, that someone is Jacob. I have to write this journal entry because it?s the only way for me to process the last two months and for me to say goodbye to what was and what will never be. I have to do this because if I don?t get closure, I won?t be able to move forward. I never want to feel like I did again. I have a war in myself because I am terrified to love, to let someone in like that again, to let someone matter, to let someone hurt me. But I can?t deny my truth and that truth is, I need love. I want to be in love and I want someone to be in love with me. And I hate it. Things were easier before, before I admitted that I could love, before when I wouldn?t let anyone close enough to even fathom the idea of love. But I can?t go back. I can?t live like that again, not now. Not now that I?ve tasted how good it feels to be cared for in that way. To be the reason someone is smiling when they walk into a room, to be the reason that someone sleeps better at night, to just be a reason for anything. I want to be someone?s reason again. I have a need to be needed and wanted.

And Jacob? He needs me and he wants me. And, he tells me. I don?t know what we are exactly. We don?t have a label for it, we haven?t really exchanged words about feelings, but somehow, I am okay with it. Somehow, I know that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Maybe I have learned that I need to be patient. Maybe I am finally hearing Sal and listening to him when he tells me that I need to take baby steps. Maybe pacing myself isn?t so bad. I?ve been throwing myself into so many things over the past months, but maybe I need this. I need someone to slow me down, to make me savor the small moments, and to give me time to know what feels right and what feels wrong. I need time to know me, know me when it?s just me, and know me when it?s with him.

I?ve been smiling so much lately, laughing, having fun. Jacob is different. He isn?t just there for me, but he lets me be there for him. He lets me in. He has let me in from the beginning. We just clicked and it was like having an instant best friend. He came at the most imperfect time, but it couldn?t have been more perfect. I didn?t know how much I needed someone like him in my life, how much I needed *him*. I was a mess and I wasn?t looking for him, I didn?t mean to find him, I never meant to be anything more than his friend. But here we are, we are on the verge of something and it?s exciting and terrifying and I want to fall. I want to just let go and come what may.

But first.

I have to let go. I need closure.

The door on my first relationship is closed. A part of me might always love him, I might always miss him, there may be nights that I wake up in a cold sweat missing him, but I will be okay. It?s okay to admit defeat and move on. It?s two months today.

Goodbye. I?

No, that?s it. Just goodbye.

Goodbye Ketch.