"Introducing our new line of state of the art Safety Coffins! You'll never resort to being saved by the bell again after you get a look at our amazing and wholly modern Safety Coffins, Tombs, Sepulchers and crypts..."
The infomercial featured the serenely smiling Pharlen VonTombs herself, standing in the serene beauty of an antique rose garden. She was elegance in a flowing empire gown, draperies fluttering around her suggesting angelic wings, her white hair streaming around her in flowing waves. Arranged around her artfully were several coffins on stands, all closed, ranging from paperboard to stainless steel.
She stepped to the paperboard coffin and indicated with her best Betty Furness smile and gesture.
"Beginning with the Phone Home model, at less than a thousand dollars American, you see that it is better quality than even coffins without arrangements for the safety of the occupant. The Phone Home must be used with a standard cemetery vault, which is usually part of your cemetery's plot package. When lain to your temporary rest in the Phone Home, you awaken to soothing music, a light, and instructions for your safe exit..." Pharlen opened the top half of the powder blue coffin and indicated the cell phone installed behind the cotton lining. "Sensors located in the coffin turn the cel phone on and promptly notify the next of kin, emergency services and the cemetery that there is movement. You can totally customize our app to contact whoever you like, however. Then you need only wait for help to arrive."
Pharlen moved on to the Barbie Pink enameled coffin, elaborately pinstriped in whorls of blue and purple.
"Here we have the Eternally You, our top of the line coffin, entirely steel construction. Bullet proof..." Pharlen paused and stepped back. She lifted an .45 from a side table containing the usual urns and florals of a funeral home, and fired a bullet at the coffin. The bullet skipped off of the enameled surface, leaving little more than a ding.
"Crush proof even without the assistance of a vault, though we do recommend that one is installed simply for ease of re-use ? and it is completely re-useable, in fact. We have customers on their third and forth deaths using the Eternally Yours. It is like a home away from home," she smiled, motherly and warm as she opened the casket head, "As you can see, it also employs our propitiatory Application and sensor technology. In addition, there is an air tank to assist in breathing, along with a smaller tank containing a twilight sleep preparation if liked, to smooth your exhumation as much as possible."
The camera panned over the casket as Pharlen opened the bottom part, displaying the sumptuous silk and lace interior, and the amenities.
"Unlike most caskets of even this fine quality, the Eternally Yours features a four inch thick mattress of memory foam, and is the most comfortable on the market. Our other caskets, even the Phone Home, all have a two inch foam mattress, which can of course be upgraded," Pharlen cooed, "Also available is the micro-fridge, where drinks and snacks may be stored, chilled and ready. We have also a rack for fine wine, a C02 opener, and special sipping glass so the beverages can be enjoyed without spilling."
Pharlen lovingly demonstrated the features, opening the sliding door of the small fridge and removing a frosty bottle of root beer. She clicked it open on the provided church key, and poured the soda into a modified sippy cup. Smiling graciously, she stepped to the next coffin, a gorgeously carven oak piece, and knocked on it. The top section promptly and smoothly opened to reveal and sunnily smiling little boy of about thirteen, wearing a white shirt and pants.
"My son, Desdenova, demonstrating the ease of our hydraulic assist hinges, standard on all but the Phone Home and Little Shop models. Here you go, dear..." Pharlen crooned, handing Desdenova the cup. He promptly flopped back and sucked down the root beer without spilling a drop.
"Perfect. And as long as you haven't decayed any before your resurrection, the interior will require little to no cleaning," She beamed, ruffling Desdenova's black hair as he popped back up, still drinking the soda.
"But what if you gotta go to the bathroom, Mom?" he asked, on cue. Pharlen made a surprised face, her fingertips over her lips, as if she was shocked at something so base.
"We do expect that the crew summoned to dig up our guests should have them out before such biological urges, of course, but especially your first time waking in a coffin can be terribly stressful. Thus, all of our coffins are equipped with the same sanitary and effective bedpans and urinals as hospitals use. Ours include odor eliminating sprays, wipes, and zip lock bags for cleanliness."
A traditional toe-pincher coffin in rich ebony swung open, revealing Jackie in a charming and shorter version of her mother's angelic dress.
"But what if you don't want to be buried in the ground, Mom? Or if you're in a place where you can't dig graves because of the water level or something?" she asked reasonably, stepping out of the beautifully appointed coffin. Pharlen smile as she helped Desdenova out of the coffin.
Call 1-800-SAF-TOMB showed on the bottom of the screen.
"A very good question, Jackie, dear. Let's go to the Mausoleum and have a look at the crypts."
The camera followed the happy family to a beautiful and antique mausoleum. Pharlen paused to indicate it graciously.
"Built in 1923 by the late Jacob VonTombs, this mausoleum is a pristine example of the Arts and Crafts movement, featuring wood inlay, stained glass work, and iron framing, now reinforced with steel cable and stabilized on a concrete roller pad, courtesy of Mallard Fabrication."
The family moved inside to show the beautiful interior as Pharlen indicated a specific crypt.
"The exterior panel is of course dictated by your choice and or the mausoleum's guidelines, however, the case of even our least expensive 'Philip Marlowe' runs on smooth roller bearings and steel rails, the same study and reliable system as a high end filing cabinet. The main difference is that you can easily free yourself from these wonderfully made crypts..."
Pharlen pulled open the cover stone and reached in to pull out a lightweight box on tracks. Desdenova promptly scrambled into it and pulled it shut. A moment later, he pushed it open again.
"So easy, a child could do it!" Pharlen beamed, chucking Desdenova's cheek, "All of our crypt models can be equipped with all of our groundbreaking safety and comfort features. The base model includes the phone, light, and sensors, along with a key to the door of of the mausoleum, if needed."
Call 1-800-SAF-TOMB showed on the bottom of the screen again.
"All of our coffins and crypts are completely guaranteed, or your money back," Pharlen smiled as her children went slipping away around the camera, "Unlike other manufacturers, our coffins are specifically manufactured with resurrection in mind. We understand the transitory nature of death and we understand the needs of our clients. Our prices reflect this, as well. Our lowest cost systems are completely competitive with any other manufacturer, and not only that, but our higher end coffins and caskets are completely re-useable. They aren't an end of things, they're an investment in the future."
Pharlen paused to allow the watchers to reflect on this, and the camera once more panned to show the gorgeous stained glass work.
A jump cut later, and Pharlen was walking through the historic Tombs Cemetery, her hair and draperies flowing in the breeze, birds singing, as she moved into the free standing tombs and sepulchers.
"Many older families and lineages have free standing tombs for the internment of their dearly vacationing and departed, and we have systems for these structures, as well. Each of these works is by nature custom, but as most tombs do follow a similar structure, you will find this to be the most effective and economical of all the systems," Pharlen smiled, posing alongside a marble faced box tomb, slightly below ground level, with a small porch and double iron doors over a closed wooden door.
"We can also update any existing systems, such as the bell ?" She paused as a bell in the small belfry of the tomb rang and then clanked. She chuckled.
"Though tried and true, after a fifty or so years, the bell pull often rots, or the bell itself comes to decay. A dangerous situation if there is no internal way out," Pharlen lifted pale brows and looked decently concerned. "However, with our team of skilled restoration experts and craftspeople..."
Jackie and Desdenova pulled open the tomb's door from the inside, beaming, and Jackie promptly unlocked the wrought iron gates.
"But what if you're dead for a long time and this stuff rusts?" Desdenova inquired.
"Every tomb comes with not only the sensor system, phone, and safety features of the coffins, but a small, powerful cut off saw," Jackie replied, holding up a Milwaukee cordless cut-off saw in an attractive green case, "Carefully packed to prevent corrosion and decay, guaranteed to be fresh and strong even after fifty years!"
"And as you can see, each tomb is beautifully retrofitted for both the comfort of the deceased and the vacationing," Pharlen went on, stepping into the tomb. The central dais held one of the high end safety coffins, the shelves on the walls held linen wrapped corpses and a few antique caskets.
"The interior d?cor, if any, is freshened by certified restoration experts, the structure itself is tested for soundness, and then, we place the amenities you require for your comfort. Everything from heat activated lights to movement sensor hydraulics to open the doors for you is available, along with food and drink, preserved for up to fifty years of safe use."
"And flowers, too, Mummy," little Alice announced, the seven year old in a fairy costume announced as she walked into the tomb carrying an armload of flowers. Pharlen beamed and took the flowers while Jackie picked her little sister up.
"And flowers, too! For an additional charge, flower arrangements and mourners can be sent to your resting place as often as daily. This can be the most important and oft overlooked safety measure of all, someone there to assist you back home." Pharlen smiled, warm and motherly.
"Remember, every mourner you hire is giving work to families living under the poverty level, from my own program to help Rhydiners who have fallen on hard times or who have been in the marketplace during you know, stuff, to find gainful employment," Jackie beamed proudly.
"Call 1-800-SAF-TOMB and make an appointment with one of our friendly, knowledgable advisors, or ask your local undertaker to bring in our people. Remember, you can only get our patented, state of the art safety system if you plan in advance. Don't wake up on a hard, uncomfortable coffin, gasping for breath and with the whole thing crushing down on you again. Payment plans are available," Pharlen smiled, warm and serene.
The scene faded to the locations of various dealers in RhyDin and beyond, with the 1-800 number.
Operators are standing by!
The infomercial featured the serenely smiling Pharlen VonTombs herself, standing in the serene beauty of an antique rose garden. She was elegance in a flowing empire gown, draperies fluttering around her suggesting angelic wings, her white hair streaming around her in flowing waves. Arranged around her artfully were several coffins on stands, all closed, ranging from paperboard to stainless steel.
She stepped to the paperboard coffin and indicated with her best Betty Furness smile and gesture.
"Beginning with the Phone Home model, at less than a thousand dollars American, you see that it is better quality than even coffins without arrangements for the safety of the occupant. The Phone Home must be used with a standard cemetery vault, which is usually part of your cemetery's plot package. When lain to your temporary rest in the Phone Home, you awaken to soothing music, a light, and instructions for your safe exit..." Pharlen opened the top half of the powder blue coffin and indicated the cell phone installed behind the cotton lining. "Sensors located in the coffin turn the cel phone on and promptly notify the next of kin, emergency services and the cemetery that there is movement. You can totally customize our app to contact whoever you like, however. Then you need only wait for help to arrive."
Pharlen moved on to the Barbie Pink enameled coffin, elaborately pinstriped in whorls of blue and purple.
"Here we have the Eternally You, our top of the line coffin, entirely steel construction. Bullet proof..." Pharlen paused and stepped back. She lifted an .45 from a side table containing the usual urns and florals of a funeral home, and fired a bullet at the coffin. The bullet skipped off of the enameled surface, leaving little more than a ding.
"Crush proof even without the assistance of a vault, though we do recommend that one is installed simply for ease of re-use ? and it is completely re-useable, in fact. We have customers on their third and forth deaths using the Eternally Yours. It is like a home away from home," she smiled, motherly and warm as she opened the casket head, "As you can see, it also employs our propitiatory Application and sensor technology. In addition, there is an air tank to assist in breathing, along with a smaller tank containing a twilight sleep preparation if liked, to smooth your exhumation as much as possible."
The camera panned over the casket as Pharlen opened the bottom part, displaying the sumptuous silk and lace interior, and the amenities.
"Unlike most caskets of even this fine quality, the Eternally Yours features a four inch thick mattress of memory foam, and is the most comfortable on the market. Our other caskets, even the Phone Home, all have a two inch foam mattress, which can of course be upgraded," Pharlen cooed, "Also available is the micro-fridge, where drinks and snacks may be stored, chilled and ready. We have also a rack for fine wine, a C02 opener, and special sipping glass so the beverages can be enjoyed without spilling."
Pharlen lovingly demonstrated the features, opening the sliding door of the small fridge and removing a frosty bottle of root beer. She clicked it open on the provided church key, and poured the soda into a modified sippy cup. Smiling graciously, she stepped to the next coffin, a gorgeously carven oak piece, and knocked on it. The top section promptly and smoothly opened to reveal and sunnily smiling little boy of about thirteen, wearing a white shirt and pants.
"My son, Desdenova, demonstrating the ease of our hydraulic assist hinges, standard on all but the Phone Home and Little Shop models. Here you go, dear..." Pharlen crooned, handing Desdenova the cup. He promptly flopped back and sucked down the root beer without spilling a drop.
"Perfect. And as long as you haven't decayed any before your resurrection, the interior will require little to no cleaning," She beamed, ruffling Desdenova's black hair as he popped back up, still drinking the soda.
"But what if you gotta go to the bathroom, Mom?" he asked, on cue. Pharlen made a surprised face, her fingertips over her lips, as if she was shocked at something so base.
"We do expect that the crew summoned to dig up our guests should have them out before such biological urges, of course, but especially your first time waking in a coffin can be terribly stressful. Thus, all of our coffins are equipped with the same sanitary and effective bedpans and urinals as hospitals use. Ours include odor eliminating sprays, wipes, and zip lock bags for cleanliness."
A traditional toe-pincher coffin in rich ebony swung open, revealing Jackie in a charming and shorter version of her mother's angelic dress.
"But what if you don't want to be buried in the ground, Mom? Or if you're in a place where you can't dig graves because of the water level or something?" she asked reasonably, stepping out of the beautifully appointed coffin. Pharlen smile as she helped Desdenova out of the coffin.
Call 1-800-SAF-TOMB showed on the bottom of the screen.
"A very good question, Jackie, dear. Let's go to the Mausoleum and have a look at the crypts."
The camera followed the happy family to a beautiful and antique mausoleum. Pharlen paused to indicate it graciously.
"Built in 1923 by the late Jacob VonTombs, this mausoleum is a pristine example of the Arts and Crafts movement, featuring wood inlay, stained glass work, and iron framing, now reinforced with steel cable and stabilized on a concrete roller pad, courtesy of Mallard Fabrication."
The family moved inside to show the beautiful interior as Pharlen indicated a specific crypt.
"The exterior panel is of course dictated by your choice and or the mausoleum's guidelines, however, the case of even our least expensive 'Philip Marlowe' runs on smooth roller bearings and steel rails, the same study and reliable system as a high end filing cabinet. The main difference is that you can easily free yourself from these wonderfully made crypts..."
Pharlen pulled open the cover stone and reached in to pull out a lightweight box on tracks. Desdenova promptly scrambled into it and pulled it shut. A moment later, he pushed it open again.
"So easy, a child could do it!" Pharlen beamed, chucking Desdenova's cheek, "All of our crypt models can be equipped with all of our groundbreaking safety and comfort features. The base model includes the phone, light, and sensors, along with a key to the door of of the mausoleum, if needed."
Call 1-800-SAF-TOMB showed on the bottom of the screen again.
"All of our coffins and crypts are completely guaranteed, or your money back," Pharlen smiled as her children went slipping away around the camera, "Unlike other manufacturers, our coffins are specifically manufactured with resurrection in mind. We understand the transitory nature of death and we understand the needs of our clients. Our prices reflect this, as well. Our lowest cost systems are completely competitive with any other manufacturer, and not only that, but our higher end coffins and caskets are completely re-useable. They aren't an end of things, they're an investment in the future."
Pharlen paused to allow the watchers to reflect on this, and the camera once more panned to show the gorgeous stained glass work.
A jump cut later, and Pharlen was walking through the historic Tombs Cemetery, her hair and draperies flowing in the breeze, birds singing, as she moved into the free standing tombs and sepulchers.
"Many older families and lineages have free standing tombs for the internment of their dearly vacationing and departed, and we have systems for these structures, as well. Each of these works is by nature custom, but as most tombs do follow a similar structure, you will find this to be the most effective and economical of all the systems," Pharlen smiled, posing alongside a marble faced box tomb, slightly below ground level, with a small porch and double iron doors over a closed wooden door.
"We can also update any existing systems, such as the bell ?" She paused as a bell in the small belfry of the tomb rang and then clanked. She chuckled.
"Though tried and true, after a fifty or so years, the bell pull often rots, or the bell itself comes to decay. A dangerous situation if there is no internal way out," Pharlen lifted pale brows and looked decently concerned. "However, with our team of skilled restoration experts and craftspeople..."
Jackie and Desdenova pulled open the tomb's door from the inside, beaming, and Jackie promptly unlocked the wrought iron gates.
"But what if you're dead for a long time and this stuff rusts?" Desdenova inquired.
"Every tomb comes with not only the sensor system, phone, and safety features of the coffins, but a small, powerful cut off saw," Jackie replied, holding up a Milwaukee cordless cut-off saw in an attractive green case, "Carefully packed to prevent corrosion and decay, guaranteed to be fresh and strong even after fifty years!"
"And as you can see, each tomb is beautifully retrofitted for both the comfort of the deceased and the vacationing," Pharlen went on, stepping into the tomb. The central dais held one of the high end safety coffins, the shelves on the walls held linen wrapped corpses and a few antique caskets.
"The interior d?cor, if any, is freshened by certified restoration experts, the structure itself is tested for soundness, and then, we place the amenities you require for your comfort. Everything from heat activated lights to movement sensor hydraulics to open the doors for you is available, along with food and drink, preserved for up to fifty years of safe use."
"And flowers, too, Mummy," little Alice announced, the seven year old in a fairy costume announced as she walked into the tomb carrying an armload of flowers. Pharlen beamed and took the flowers while Jackie picked her little sister up.
"And flowers, too! For an additional charge, flower arrangements and mourners can be sent to your resting place as often as daily. This can be the most important and oft overlooked safety measure of all, someone there to assist you back home." Pharlen smiled, warm and motherly.
"Remember, every mourner you hire is giving work to families living under the poverty level, from my own program to help Rhydiners who have fallen on hard times or who have been in the marketplace during you know, stuff, to find gainful employment," Jackie beamed proudly.
"Call 1-800-SAF-TOMB and make an appointment with one of our friendly, knowledgable advisors, or ask your local undertaker to bring in our people. Remember, you can only get our patented, state of the art safety system if you plan in advance. Don't wake up on a hard, uncomfortable coffin, gasping for breath and with the whole thing crushing down on you again. Payment plans are available," Pharlen smiled, warm and serene.
The scene faded to the locations of various dealers in RhyDin and beyond, with the 1-800 number.
Operators are standing by!