Topic: Cycling Log

Michael Nguyen

Date: 2007-05-31 13:34 EST
Thursday
Weather: Cloudy, mid 60's at 6am
Distance: 15 mile loop. Took it easy.

Notes: Need to do something with this aggression. Dirk said something about a Fight Club in town. Might check it out. Might check out Bella's place. Nah, don't want that shit either. Talked to a hottie last night, over some of that local Badsider. Stuff beats Coors, never thought I'd say that anywhere.

Nice easy ride today. Went all around this town, getting my bearings back. Place is like the best and worst of Frisco all rolled into a shitload of insanity. I like it.

Michael Nguyen

Date: 2007-06-02 12:37 EST
Saturday, 4am
Weather: Clear, upper 60's. Promises to be hot.
Distance. Lost track after the first 40.

Stayed out too late, got too drunk, too rowdy, too f-ing stupid. And who just happened to waltz on into the Dragon to see it all? Jay, the Pres himself. Should've booked right then, but didn't. Matt came in the truck, took my ass to have a little "chat" with Jay. It was cooler than I thought it'd be. I forget that he's younger than me, the way he talks. Said he knew what happened back in Frisco, understood what was going on in my head, but that there were better ways of dealing than getting loaded. Mentioned that Fight Club again, even said one of the new bros got a boxing setup in the House now. Said his door was always open if I wanted to talk.

Rode, wherever. All night. Hardly broke a sweat.

Michael Nguyen

Date: 2007-06-05 01:27 EST
Monday, Tuesday, who knows?
Temperature: 50's, in the middle of the night.
Distance: As far as I could.

I am an idiot. The biggest f-ing idiot in the world. I try to be honest, and all I do is cause more pain. I try to get the demons out, and all I do is make them worse. What the hell is wrong with me, that I ruin everything I touch? I've never seen him so upset. And it's all my fault. Took a sleeping bag with me, staying outside, by the water. Staying away, until I can make it right again. I don't want what they think I want. Hell, I don't know what I want. Except to ease the constant pain. It went away for a brief fleeting strawberry moment. And now it's back, ten times worse, because I f-ed it all up.

Rode long and hard for hours. Sleeping by the pond, away from the House. Away from the mess I made. When the morning comes, I'll make it right, I have to.

Michael Nguyen

Date: 2007-06-10 20:03 EST
Saturday late, Sunday early.
Temperature: 50's, in the middle of the night.
Distance: Not far enough.

Can it get worse? Wait, don't answer that. Yes, it can get worse. I didn't think it could get blacker. Didn't think I could sink any further into the darkness. I think it'd be better if I went back to Frisco. Scratch that, there's nothing left for me in Frisco. No one understands. I want to be happy again, like I was. They all act like I'm wallowing in self-pity, like I can "snap out of it" anytime. Guess what? I tried. I can't. Oh sure, I can pretend, but it doesn't last. As soon as I'm alone, that blackness gets inside my head, and all I hear is her. The sneer in her voice. The stabs through my heart, as she tore it apart. I think Cole understands, to some point. Dirk, I don't think he's ever been alone for more than 5 minutes. He doesn't know what it's like, to be shoved aside, all the time treated like it's nothing. He doesn't know what it's like to feel worthless, cast out, unwanted. And now, it's that much worse. Not only don't I belong, but I don't know who or what the fuck I am anymore. Except alone.

If I could ride off the edge of the world, I would.

Michael Nguyen

Date: 2007-07-28 17:48 EST
Saturday early
Temperature: 60's at dawn
Distance: To the House, and back again.

I rode for the first time since coming to the Manor, and it felt good. For the first time in I don't know how long, I felt joy in the ride. They saved me. Tristen, and Elise. Especially Elise. Without them, without her, I don't want to think about what would've happened. They are angels, of that I have no doubt.

Rode to the House. Talked to Matt briefly, he said Dirk and Cole are gone. Moved out to New England somewhere. So I headed back to the Manor. Wouldn't have known what to say to them anyway.