Topic: Sore Wa Himitsu Desu

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-05-14 22:46 EST
Himitsu. A word of joy, then of sorrow. A word of lies and of truth. A word that could destroy trust, truth, and lives. A word meaning the very thing this demon had plenty of.

Secrets.

Though it might not have been a secret that Ryo had many of them. After all, he was almost a thousand years old, of course he'd have things he didn't tell his friends or family members. Many things. Deadly things. Things he was ashamed of, things he was terrified of. Yes, demons have many secrets that they shouldn't let out into the world, but this one decided to have a book to hold all of them in. Sort of like a confessional, except in writing. So he could get it off his chest without really telling anyone.

But before he wrote down any of those words that might cause his life to flip-flop, he had to make sure no one who lived in his house would ever stumble upon it and read what was inscripted in those pages.

Magic, of course! The same demonic magic that caused some of those secrets, but had never let him down. But he needed something strong, a spell that wouldn't be broken very easily at all. And those tended to be casted at midnight on a full moon, the most magical hour of the month.

After waiting a couple weeks, the demon peered outside of his window to see a round circle in the ebony sky, glaring at him from the reflected light of the sun. Perfect, it was nine, according to the memory of the last time he used this spell, he at least need two hours to prepare for it, probably more. So, bolting his door shut, he got to work on the preparation within those paper walls.

Soon enough, the room was totally decked out, in a sense. Bed pushed aside to make room for a giant rune circle that surrounded the plain black book. Dark candles lit, also in a circular motion. The demon standing in front of the wall, chanting in Infernal. Though he didn't know the language, it was the tongue of the ancients who wrote the most power spells, and the original tongue of his kind. Crimson orbs glazed over while chanting, pale eyelids drooping slightly over those orbs as well. Fingers interlocked in a hand seal to focus all the energy on. The room a lot darker than before, Ryo needed to be in his essence, after all.

Dong.

The first sign that it was now the magical hour. If he knew the spell right, he'd have to move quickly, before all twelve "dong"s were up. He sped up his chanting just a bit.

Dong. Then about nine dongs after...

"KAI!" was yelled as the demon then forced his fingers to spred out towards the binding of parchment, willing the energy to flow past his fingertips towards the book, the runes glowing with magic. His room shook a bit, but he didn't think the others would wake up because of it. After all, it was midnight. Most people were sound asleep by now. The deep amethyst energy then was blasted into the book, surging the pages with magic, and the cover with a will power. The energy teaching those pages to never show what was written on them to no one other than the demon, and the cover learning to not open for anyone besides Ryo. This way his secrets were safe, even if someone found the book.

Dong.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-05-18 18:18 EST
Hn, what would be a good way to start his new book? He was starting to wonder if he would only put the big secrets in this. Maybe he should write down smaller ones so that it didn't seem all that serious. He didn't really want the book to have some kind of ominous feel to it when he wrote in it. So, he decided to write all this secret thoughts in it. Much like a diary or journal, but a bit different too. He brought his pencil to his chin, pondering what to write while lounging on his bed. The dark book was in his other hand, opened to the first page.

"Maybe an introduction? Yeah, that'd work." He figured after a while. But what kind of introduction? It's not like anyone's gonna read the book or anything. That's what the sealing of the pages was for, after all. Then, he should just put what this book is about so he doesn't remember. Yeah, something like that. So, he began to write. His handwriting wasn't the best, but it was still nice. It had some sort of mythical essence to it, since he was writing in an enchanted book. His hand giving just the right curve to those lines to give it a tint of girlishness.

May 18, 2007

I decided to use the Earth calender for this. Don't ask me why, it's just easiest to remember right now. But, anyway, I don't really know how to start this thing, so... I just started it. Just writing what's on my mind right now. So, yeah..

I have no idea how to start this whole thing, and I feel like I'm just writing this for filler. Maybe if I write a lot of nonsense, then my secrets won't seem all that bad. But I'm an idiot, no amount of random words will take away the serious horror of what I've done. Great, now I sound depressed. What a way to start a book. Maybe I'll start off with some harmless secrets. Yes, something I'm just a little embarrassed about that I don't really mind if they get out into the world or something.

Alright then, now that that's settled. First, I have a book of Ty's DP. That's not all that bad, I think. After all, that's not all that terrible. I mean, it's not all just dragons, there're some humanoids in there too. And it's not all that weird to look at stuff like that, is it? No, of course not. So, yeah, done with that one.

Another harmless secret would probably have to be what Yamikage really is. I mean, I know he's a cat, but then again, he isn't. His mind isn't a cat's. Before, he was a demon. Like me, except he didn't look like a human, he was one of those lesser demons that look like what you'd think a demon would look like. Yanno, horns, tail, weird color of skin, etc. When I found him, I knew there was some kind of demon sense to him, but I couldn't figure out what it was until later. At least I know why he listens to me now. All demons understand that those who blend in with the civilians are the most powerful and dangerous. Even if they aren't all that intimidating in the first place.

Oh well, could be worse.

Those are the really pointless secrets. Though I still don't know if I'm ready to confess the others. Even though I still have more simple secrets, I don't think I'm ready to reveal them all, I don't even know if I know them all. Heh. I mean, everyone already knows I'm gay. Don't really think that's all that terrible to confess because it's not really a secret. And most people who know me already know I'm in love with Fay-kun, so that's not all that terrible either. Though, I haven't made love to him yet. I've tired, but the Nexus wouldn't let me. One of the reasons why I hate it.

Alright, end of page one for now. Done writing for tonight.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-05-25 12:42 EST
Time for an update in his book of secrets!

May 25, 2007

Today I'm gonna share all I know about my kind. Well, at least me racially. I'm not really all that sure if other demons have the same issues as I do, but oh well. This is me to my knowledge, so here it goes.

According to human standards, I sure wasn't born a natural way. Yes, I had to spend a certain amount of time in my mother's womb - not that that was any fun - but I didn't really have a body back then. I was more of just a soul, or blob of black, whichever you wanna call it. As I grew older, I sort of expanded, in a sense. My ability to see grew incredibly fast, and I found that wherever there was shadow, I could see from there. Now, by the time I was about, oh say, five or six, I figured out how to make a physical body for myself and connect my soul to the main nervous system. At first it was just a figure with no uniqueness whatsoever. Well, besides the fact it was all black and had no facial features. As I grew older, I added how my hair would look and what shape my eyes were, etc. And soon after that, I figured out how to hue myself.

I learned a lot of human atonomy from my mother, since she was supposed to look like a regular human, and all the men she brought home with her after father died. Most of them were good looking, so naturally I modelled myself after them. In time I changed my appearance a bit. Going from a child form to more of an older teenager, in a human perspective, of course. Though I kept my half-elven styled ears, even though none of the men my mother brought home had them, I thought they looked cool. And I still do, thus why I keep 'em.

Anyway, also over time, I added some internal organs to my physical appearance. Now I've got a heart, liver, lungs, one kidney (don't really think I need the other, not that I need the first one in the first place), bladder (doesn't even work), the regular male sex organs for humans (don't really know all of their names, so I'm just saying that), a brain, bones made of my own alloy creation, muscles, and a large and small intestine. There actually might be more that I forgot about, but I doubt it.

Now that I've revealed the secret of my physical body, my mental and emotional side isn't all that normal either.

Well, I mean, I've got emotions just like everyone else, and even though demons aren't supposed to have any, I show how I feel all the time. My philosophy on that is if you have emotions, there's no point in hiding it or it's like you've got no emotions in the first place and that just totally ruins the point. I mean, if you never show what you're really feeling, then you're not really feeling anything at all. You have to communicate your emotions through actions, or they're not really real in my idea. Maybe my philosophy's just weird, but I like expressing what I feel. Nothing wrong about that, right?

Now it's time to discuss feeding. I don't have to eat like a regular human, since I can sustain my body with the shadows, but I do have to take in energy for my soul to survive. The usual "soul food" I take in is the negative emotions that the other races emit when they're feeling sad, angry, scared, etc. That's probably what makes it so easy for demons to be heartless towards torture and killing. I mean, even though I'm a unique being, other demons also feed off of those emotions. The only difference is that good emotions make them uncomfortable. I, on the other hand, tend to enjoy good emotions. Don't really understand that, but I suppose it's because I have empathy. Not that other demons don't have that, they just tend to push it aside.

Yeah, it's kind of weird, whether my friends are in a good or a bad mood, I tend to be happy. Though, I do try my best to help them through their dilema, I don't want to loose them as my friends. And when I'm feeling down, it's pretty weird. Usually I loose a bit of my control over my physical body, not enough to let it roam free or anything, but enough to alter what I want it to do. Like perhaps I want to hit the ground because I'm angry, but not all that hard, just a small punch, and then when I go to do it, there's a giant crater where I punched the ground. That hasn't happened all that recently, but it's happened before.

Now, concerning my mother's control over me. What she basically does is get rid of my connection to the darkness. Yes, odd, since I'm supposed to be the darkness. Well, in a sense I still am, but she just makes that part of me numb, in a sense. So all I have is my physical body to use against her, and mostly that isn't all that helpful. Also, since I'm scared of her, it doesn't follow my every command like I want it to.

Alright, I think that's all I need to put in here for now, so I'm signing off or whatever.

He then leaned back against his bed frame, a long sigh escaping his lips. In his opinion, this wasn't really all that great of secret material, but then again, if any of his enemies knew this stuff, he'd be in some trouble. Not that he told how to destroy him or anything, but most people thought that he was like the other races, that his body was what he was born with and that's what he'd die with. Unfortunately they were wrong. He was a unique creature with a need to fit in, that was all. Another sigh from him. God, this was making him depressed. He'd better go find someone to bug in the Inn, so he vanished from his spot, but not before putting the book under his mattress.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-06-16 03:59 EST
Another entry time! He had gotten home feeling very disgusted at himself and so he was going to vent by writing while everyone else in his house was asleep.

June 16, 2007

I suppose this is really what this book is supposed to be about. Secrets. Confessions. Feeling terrible about yourself because of mistakes. That kind of thing. Stupid depressing book! I just feel awful. And rather dirty. Dirty isn't the most sofisticated word to use, and I'm sure as hell I misspelled sofisticated, but that's really what I feel like. People don't just do stuff like what I've done and expect to come out clean, after all...

Okay, I'm gonna try and explain what happened. First is last night. Oh god, that damn memory is gonna haunt me. See, I was just in the glen when this girl, er, ninja, came up to me and just started talking to me. Introducing herself and talking to me about seemingly trivial matters. Then after a while our conversation died out and I commented that I was bored like I normally do. She said she knew of something which we could do, but she wouldn't tell me until I guessed a million things.

Oh, boy, was I in for a surprise. And she had to be awfully descriptive too. It scared the hell outta me, to be honest. I tried to explain that I was gay and I didn't like women like that. She just got her feelings hurt, and I don't like to see people hurt, no matter what gender they are. But then she pressured me to hug her and kiss her and stuff. Also scary. And I ended up giving her a small kiss and that just got her going. She tied me up, stole all of my clothes and started fucking me like there was no tomorrow. It pissed me off royally.

What made it even worse was that my body was giving a good reaction to what she was doing so it just encouraged her to do more. I just feel terrible about not controlling that, but then again no matter how hard I tried, it didn't work. Even thinking about dead kitties didn't work! Though what I truly thought about is Fay-kun.

He bit his lip and tried not to let the tears fall from his face.

I mean, I could have stopped the rape, I really could have. I just took pity on her when she started her guilt card. And now what will I tell Fay-kun? I figure I'll just tell him the truth and hope that he'll understand and forgive me, but then again that isn't the worst of it..

Just today, I had gotten rather depressed about being raped yesterday. After I was through with my depression, I knew something was wrong. Well, not wrong entirely, because it's really what's supposed to happen, but it was rather... Well, I just didn't mean for it to happen. You see, when I'm around someone who's depressed for a while, I get the same affect on me as humans do when they drink a lot of alcohol or use drugs. It's a bit of a mixture between being drunk and being high. Though I remember what I do like I would anything else.

And just tonight, I saw an old friend of mine and we were in the alley. He was just as wasted as I was, though he was depressed at first so that didn't help my case. He was feeling sorry for himself because his ex-fiance had left him. Again with the pity I comforted him until he got all emotionless, and then his depression really kicked in, since it takes a while for that kind of thing to really hit me.

And.. I was rather horny. I didn't mean to be, of course, it's not like you can choose when to have an erection. So I stupidly said the bluntest thing ever and said that I wanted sex. He was confused at first and asked if he meant with him. I said I'd rather be having sex with Fay-kun, since he's much sexier than my friend. But nontheless we ended up striping down and fucking each other.

I knew I'd regret it when I came out of my drunkenness, and I just hope that there's not going to be a next time. I mean, hell, the sex wasn't all that bad, but Fay-kun. What will he think? I did all this by myself. This time it was me who came on to my friend instead of the other way around. Though he was willing until the other situation. I'm just terrified what I'll do next. I didn't mean to end up in either of those situations, yet I couldn't stop them from happening.

I'm scared. Just scared.

I mean, I'm engaged to Fay-kun now. Officially engaged. And seriously, I love him with all my being. If I lost him, I would die. Not really, but I would die emotionally. I'd be like Cal all the time, and I don't want that. Maybe... Maybe I should cancel the wedding before I do something really stupid.

Tears had fallen to the page then, and many were on their way, but Ryo managed to try and catch them with a handkerchif before they got in range of the page.

Fay-kun would be free of betrayal then. I wouldn't be able to hurt him with my ignorance. I'll talk to Shadow about it tomorrow. She seems to understand me the most right now. She'll know what to do. At least I hope she will. I mean, on one hand, Fay-kun would be free from being hurt because of my idiocy. Oh, I'm repeating myself. That's not a good sign.. But on the other hand, I don't know what I'd do without him. Living without Fay-kun is comparable to a fat kid not getting his sweets or a frog living in the desert. They'd both be able to survive, but they'd be miserable as hell. I don't want that kind of life. But I'm just being selfish, I need to take Fay-kun's feelings into consideration.

He doesn't want to be hurt, that much is obvious in everyone, but I wonder what he feels for me. I mean, is it as intense as what I feel for him? But then again, maybe I don't care for him as much.. After all, I've had sex with two people who weren't him in two days. Damn, that sounds more terrible than I would've thought. Though it's not nearly as bad as I feel. I just want to say I'm sorry. I want to make this whole shitty situation better again. I don't want him gone, but I don't want him to be hurt either. I don't want to destroy what we have. I really don't, but either way it seems like I am. I don't know what to do!

The book was slammed shut. Ryo didn't want to think about this anymore! He wanted to be in Fay's arms, having his mate understand and comfort him. But apparently, that wasn't going to happen tonight, so the demon tried to stop crying so violently, hoping he didn't wake anyone up with them and slipped the book back under his mattress. He brought his blankets over him them, laying down, turning off his lamp, and closing his eyes, hoping to have a nice, dreamless sleep and to fall asleep fast before he could think about this any longer.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-06-18 05:16 EST
The demon felt the need to write yet again, so here it goes.

June 18, 2007

You know, I don't think life is as bad as I said on the previous page. I truly feel that everything's going to be alright. I haven't got a chance to talk to Fay-kun yet, but I know how to tell him now. I know he'll understand because he always does, and I love him for that. Then we'll just forget this and move on. I even talked to Des today and got her to help with the wedding. I'll have to pay her, unfortunately, but at least it's something.

I also got Fay-kun a nice necklace. It's got a beautiful amythest gem on it that keeps away disease and helps the body cure wounds faster than it would originally. I have Shadow and Redwick to thank for that. Also, if Ortin sticks to his word, Fay-kun'll be my guardian soon! It's nothing special, really. He just has to make sure I don't get too out of hand with my powers and go on a killing spree or anything. But once he gets the powers, he'll have to spend eternity with me. I mean, not that he wouldn't already, but it seems as though our bond would be stronger because of that.

Everything's going to be alright, and I can't wait for tomorrow!

A smaller entry, true, but the mood was much happier and that was what really counts, ne?

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-07-15 09:30 EST
Hell, it was morning and he didn't feel like sleeping.

July 15, 2007

I don't know why I'm writing in this. Probably lack of better things to do or something. Well, today Bob gave me a stuffed bear which I named Kuma-san, but that's kinda boring. Yanno, Bob isn't all that bad, if you never forget to think for yourself. He makes suggestions, nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't force anyone into anything, merely tempts them, and if you just ignore his temptations, then you've still got your free will and such, nothing to fear in the least.

But meh, Bob really isn't a great topic to write about in my opinion. Sure, he's all badass and such, but meh, I just don't see much to him. He's just evil. Kinda boring if you ask me. Now Fay-kun on the other hand, that's something I can blab about for hours.

So that's what I'm gonna do, talk about Fayloan Zaramir. I need to ask him his middle name, by the way. But his name is music to my ears as it is. And his voice... I'm going to have to make him sing for me again. Or read poetry. Or get him to rant. Or something. It's just.. his voice makes me so happy. Seeing him does so as well. I mean, whenever I'm in his presence, it's like everything is right again. It's so hard to describe these feelings though.. I mean, I just love him so much, I can't help it. I sound so corny, but it's not corny unless you don't feel what I'm feeling, if that makes any sense. I'm just so glad 'cause now that he's my guardian, he'll survive with me through the ages. We'll always be together. <3

I'm so thankful to the Nexus for letting me find Fay-kun. I mean, ever since we first met, I've loved him. Of course, my love has grown tremendously since then, but nontheless, I was drawn to him. Now I know what the phrase "love at first sight" means. I mean, hell, if Fay-kun turned out to be a total jerk, I would've lost my feelings for him, yeah, but he turned out to be the man I was looking for. My soulmate.

I'm just astounded that I found him already. Hell, I'm nine hundred and fifty-eight now, but I've only been in Rhy'Din for about a year and a half. It's amazing how quickly someone so special as him stumbled upon this place in that amount of time. I love him so much, sometimes I feel as though I'm not worthy to be his lover... I mean, here he is, the most pure, innocent, precious person I've ever met, and here I am, rude, dark, and arrogant in terms of my power. Sure Fay-kun isn't the strongest, but he's the smartest, sexiest, and most talented person I know or have known.

And his kisses. They're so.. so... passionate, romantic, the best I've ever recieved. In a very blunt phrase, they make my pants happy. But they make the rest of me happy too, of course. In all honesty, the more time I spend with Fay-kun, the more giddy I get. Life is always so wonderful when he's around that when he's not, I tend to have a more positive outlook on things because I know in my heart that as long as he's alive and well, so am I. I could have my whole life be ruined, have to live on the streets, my friends abandoning me, the whole world turning against me, even him, as long as I knew Fay-kun was alive and well, I could go on living. Sure, I'd probably become all depressed and dark, but I could still go on.

Not that that would ever happen... But still. Fay-kun is the highlight of my existance, and I would do anything for him.

It wasn't all that long, but after that, Ryo felt awfully tired, so the book was closed and his stuffed bear hugged. Falling down on to the bed, he was out like a light.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-08-09 19:27 EST
August 9, 2007

I haven't wrote in this a while, perhaps because I don't have much to say. But I want to write this down before I forget. Even if they're my enemies, I can't help but want to help people. Sure, I usually inflict pain and sorrow, but afterwards I can't help but want to fix it. I guess that's just my curse. Never really thought about it before, it just happens. I mean, today I was worried about Gabe of all people, wanting to help him through Fluffy blowing up his house. I don't know why I feel this way, perhaps because no one ever helps me through my problems. Yeah, I want someone to be there for me, so I just instinctively do the same for others. Gah, I'm such a sensitive child!

It's annoying, really, when people think you're immature and kidish because you're more in tune with everything around you. But it's fine, I know that I'm stronger than they are. I know that I can work my own problems out, even if I want someone to fall back on. Fay-kun and Ty are never there for me to talk to, seeing as they're my nakama. Shadow's disappeared as well and now I don't have that many people to talk to about things like this. I want someone to help me through my problems, but I suppose I'll always be alone in that sense. Not many people can understand what I feel, after all...

But enough of that. I'm hoping to find more friends so when my nakama disappears again, I'll have people to fall back on. I'm still working on it, but I think I'd like Gabe to be my friend. Yes, he's annoying and idiotic, but he's a good guy. As is Fluffy, he's just learning how to understand his emotions though.

I've never saught out a bond before. I've always be fine being alone, but now I miss having friends that care about me around. I dunno, maybe I'm just weak or something. Nah, I don't think that's it. Anywhos, I'm gonna end this now, I suppose.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-09-12 21:45 EST
September 12, 2007

Fay-kun's possessed again. It sucks for all three of us. Me, Fay-kun, and the guy who possessed Fay-kun. Daemon's his name, I think. Anyway, he doesn't like sharing a body anymore than Fay-kun does and so he's trying to find all this stuff so he can create himself a body. He wants me to help. It's more of a chore if you ask me, but I want to help him anyway. I guess I'm just a sucker for people in need.

Anywhos, I was reading this month's Oracle eddition and Gav put down something I didn't expect. He wrote an article about this "Do I Love My Wife?" stuff and he said that he'd be just as content with someone to just fill the role of a wife than he would with his original wife. I'm surprised at this because I thought people married the person they fell head over heels for. I mean, I know most people do that and end up hating them later, but that's what a few years does together instead. They can get used to being around each other and find out if they really are in love, yanno?

I believe you should at least know someone for a year before asking. So many people don't in Rhy'Din and that's the downfall of their relationships (and the reason the divorce rate is so high). Ignorant mortals think they have to live life so fast paced. I hate it, actually. I was in the Hall today and I got to see Alex and Yami. They were all over each other and how long had they known each other? Four weeks at most, I believe. It's pathetic. It makes us all seem desperate. You shouldn't create short-lived relationships like that, you should let yourself fall more and more in love with the person through time without the stress of being married involved.

That's how I feel about Fay-kun. He's irreplacable to me. No one would be able to replace him. Ever. And in all honesty, I wouldn't really care if we got married or not because I know that I'll always love him and he'll always be mine. No rings will be able to set that truth astray or any stronger than I already know it is. I suppose humans just think that if they get married, that person is theirs forever. They're terribly wrong. What this does is gives them a false sense of security and that is what gets the relationship screwed. Someone ends up cheating on their husband/wife and they end up getting a divorce and loosing that person anyway.

I hope they all burn. I'm not in the best mood today, and I don't like being heartless and selfish, but I really believe they need to be taught a lesson. I don't want them doing this anymore - it's disgusting to watch. Now, I don't know, maybe Yami and Alex really are soul mates and not just a summer fling (well, fall, but whatever), but I really doubt it. I wish the best for them, but I have a feeling they won't be able to last.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-09-19 19:20 EST
September 19, 2007

Miss him too much for words.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-11-05 00:43 EST
November 4, 2007

Haven't written in this for a long time. To be honest, not much has happened. Fay-kun's been possessed, and is still possessed. It's been too long. I miss his touch. To be honest, I just miss a familiar face. Ty's missing as well. And sure as hell I'm lonely. Not just in the romantic sense, but in the sense I want friends around. Friends who won't just disappear on me.

Fuck it. They've all gone. All of them. At least that's what it seems. I'm having to live my life alone once again. Fuck that. It sucks like hell. There's still music out there to help me, but I've really become addicted to that stuff. It feels like a drug. It's not very harmful... Just addicting.

Ugh, I dunno why, but I really don't feel like writing. I really don't. I just want to loose myself in another melody. It sounds so much better than sulking about Fay. I'm so tired of it. Really, I am. Not that I till don't love him, I'm just so tired of being depressed because he's not around. I don't regret it, not one bit, I'm just... yeah, tired. Real tired. Maybe I should write a letter to Fay-kun when he gets back? Yanno, to explain to him how much I've missed him and all that.

That could work. I'll send a letter to Fay-kun. Or maybe not. It might just sound like a sappy love letter. I wouldn't want that. But I really want him to understand what I'm going through. But that does sound selfish... Fuck it. Whatever. I'll think about it some more.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-12-04 14:25 EST
December 4, 2007

I'm still waiting. It seems like forever since I haven't been waiting. But, you know what, I'm fine with that now.

I'll always wait for Fay-kun, no matter how long it takes for Daemon to show back up and transfer into a different body. I'm immortal, after all. I should be able to wait as long as needed. It's true that I do feel lonely at times, but I've got friends to keep me going. And even though Ty's disappeared, I've still got Jadey. She's a great friend, and she bakes muffins. <3

The only problem is that there's nothing really going on. To live in Rhy'Din, it seems odd that nothing's really going on in my life. All I've been doing is learning more about Yamikage. He says he wants his name changed. To something that doesn't sound so stupid. I told him that he could go by Bob, but he didn't like that idea.

It seems that he didn't really have a name when he was still a lesser. He just had a rank, and went by that everywhere. He was ranked "The Massacre", or so he says. I dunno if he's telling the truth or not. Seems like too violent a name to be for a lesser.

His favorite color is red, or moreso crimson, like my eyes. He says they remind him of the "good ol' days". I put on some music to drown him out then. It was a radio station from Earth that I put on, actually. I don't remember what it was called, but it had four numbers in the name with a dot. Like 134.7 or something like that. I dunno.

He asked me about my name after I shut off the godforsaken rap music. He asked why I was named it, and why I spelled it differently in English than in Japanese. Well, first I told him that my father had named me and since he was dead, that I had no idea why I was named what I was named. I just told him that I didn't want the spelling of my name to be changed after all these years. Even though it would correctly be spelled "Raio" instead of "Ryo" if you directly translate how I write my name in hiragana.

Old habits die hard, I suppose.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-12-13 23:30 EST
December 13, 2007

To be honest I should've scribbled this down two days ago. I got married. To Fay-kun, and it feels so great to be alive! He's back, and he's moved in so he's definitely back to stay. Damien's still in his head, I'm sure, but Fay-kun's grasp a better control of him, I think.

I can't believe how great my life is right now. It's weird, when Fay-kun disappeared, it was like I forgot how he made me feel. And so when he comes back, it's just like a bitch slap to the face. I remember planning to scold him for being gone so long, yet all I could do is kiss him and cling to him and cry.

I think I understand relationship dynamics a bit better now. People get their hearts broken, they're depressed because they feel disconnected from their mate, and when they get over that, they forget. They forget all about how it feels to lie in the other's arms, and with that they become cold.

They move on - find someone new, someone who's actually there to hold them. Even though it doesn't feel as great, they can't compare. They don't remember. I'm so glad Fay-kun came back and brought those feelings back into my memory. I don't know how much longer I could've lasted, to be honest.

And, to be honest, if he hadn't come back, I'm sure I would've moved on. I would know in my heart that Fay-kun would always come first for me, but I also would like someone to be with. I don't want to admit it, but it's the truth.

But no one would be able to replace Fay-kun. I know that more than anything now. Without him I'd never be as happy as I am now. I would never feel so much in my life again. I love feeling this. It's hard to let go of.

So, you know, if he ever ends up missing again, I'll wait. I'll wait as long as it takes, because I'll always be miserable without him around. I mean, I wouldn't be clinically depressed or anything, but without this feeling that's given me chronic bursts of happiness, I'd be rather down.

He's just so great. I mean, I've read a bit of romance novels in my life, but none of them could ever compare to him. It's odd. We're so different and stuff. He loves researching and learning magic, while I'm more into cooking and being social. Yet, I love that about him so much more than I'd like him to have the same interests as me. And, to be honest, mine seem so insignificant compared to his. I'd rather do that kind of stuff with him than what I like to do on my own.

I guess I can't help it. I'm in bliss. <3

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2007-12-30 16:21 EST
December 30, 2007

Okay, so the bliss ended. I know it'll return when he does, but right now it hurts. Being alone hurts. I don't want to have to forget. I want him to return for good, so I won't have to cope. I know it may be selfish of me, but that's what I want. I want him back.

I don't know what he's doing, but I'm sure it's important. I mean, it must be. He wouldn't leave me alone for so long without it being so, right?

The doubt comes. It did before, and it's coming again. I can't leave any room for doubt, though. I love him, so there's no room for doubt. I can't question him once he returns, I'll be too emotionally overwhelmed. He'll knock the wing out of me to do anything but embrace him. I'm such a wimp.

I mean, I know I should talk to him about it, but I never get around to it. He even told me himself that I should scold him for disappearing for so long. He's a canine, after all. I want to scold him, I really do, but I don't think I'll be able to. I never want to see him hurt. I'm sure if I end up yelling at him, he'll hurt. I don't ever want to see him hurt.

It's so complicated. When he shows up next, time needs to stop. I won't let him go again. I don't want to live my life without him. I mean, we're married now. That means we're life partners, soul mates, two halves of a whole. I need to make sure he understands that I don't want to live my life as a half. I need him here with me.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2008-01-02 17:06 EST
January 2, 2008

Happy New Year. Or whatever. So, last night I cried myself to sleep. It's been a while since I did that. A few weeks, at least.

It wasn't as if it was something new to cry about. Well, it kind of was, kind of wasn't. I mean, last night I hung out with Ty, Dean, Rhy, and Jade. They were all talking about their love lives, minus Ty, and I couldn't help but feel left out. I mean, with Fay-kun gone all the time, it's like my love life is on hold. I can't take part in those conversations because there's nothing new to discuss.

Yeah, I'm married now, but nothing's really changed. Fay-kun's still gone. We were planning on moving him to my house, but... he just disappeared. I need to talk to him. This can't go on. I don't want to wait all my life, but if I don't do anything to change this, that's what my future looks like.

I love Fay-kun, and I know I'll wait for him, but I don't want to. I want to be able to talk about my life with him with my girlfriends. And I want something actually going on to be able to talk about. Instead of the same ol' same shit. It's hard. Fay-kun's got me wrapped around his finger. If anything, I'll probably bring the topic up and then cave him when he gives a just reason to being gone so long. I dunno what to do...

So, Jade likes to snoop, but she understands personal space. That's good. But she's totally infatuated with that other demon, Damien. She's calling him "her" demon already. It's kind of annoying. I mean, he's an arrogant bastard. Can't stand him at all, yet she's all over him. She must be doing this to torture me or something.

Maybe it's just that her taste in men is out of whack. Or that it was never really in whack. I mean, she was planning on marrying Gabe, after all. Now, if that doesn't go to show she's not all there in the head, I don't know what is.

But I should really stop saying stuff like this about her. I mean, she's my BGF. She's a great person, and she's talking to me right now. I kinda feel like I'm betraying her that way, but no one's gonna read this besides me, so it doesn't really matter...

Hm, yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. Ja.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2008-01-03 03:29 EST
January 3, 2008, but really early in the morning...

So I was rereading some of my older entries and realized how little I wrote in this thing. I'll have to start writing some more. And it's not really a book about secrets anymore, just a diary. I even told Jadey that it was a diary earlier today. You know, so much has happened over the timespan I've had this, yet I've written so little in it.

I'll just have to write more. Maybe I can write something for Fay-kun. Like a poem or something. Nah, it'll sound too corny. I couldn't bare to have him read something I wrote anyway. I mean, he's got this way with words that I could never match. You know, I think I need to write in this at night. Like, right before I go to bed or something.

Because today's earlier entry was so emotionless and dull compared to the others. In the others it was all poured out from the heart, but last night was when all my emotion poured out, and I just wanted to recap it today. So, hm, I dunno. It just didn't sound good.

Maybe I should give away another secret or something. Okay, how about this, I like to look at myself in the mirror. I really like who I am. Love it, really. I've got my own style, I have wonderful friends, and I'm married to the most wonderful man in the multiverse. It's great to be me. Yet, there're so many weird things about me too.

But, ugh, I don't want to go into that! It'll just make me depressed. I don't need that right now. I'll just drift off into some daydream about Fay-kun or something. So, hmm, yeah. I know I don't like sweet things, but my cookies still taste good. Yep, eating some right now. And Yamikage (who needs a new name) is too. You know what, I'm gonna think up a new name for him right now.

Um... How about an English word pronounced in Japanese? Like Dakku? That'd be dark. Ha! Just thought of Pinku as a name. No, he'd kill me for that. Keki would be cake, but I don't think he wants to be named after food. Maybe kami-something or something-gami would work for him. Yeah, I think he likes that idea. Byogami? That'd be cat god. You know, I'm just going to stop this and call him Yamikage. The name's grown on me. Oyasumi.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2008-01-04 23:46 EST
January 4, 2008

So I was planning on writing in this more, so here I am. Just sitting here with Jadey and her man, Damien. I don't really want to interrupt any of their lover's talk, so I'm writing. Rhy's back. That's a good sign. Maybe I won't have to just bury my nose in a book anymore.

Damien is so annoying. Just... yeah, annoying. He needs to lighten up and be himself. He's afraid that if he shows his true colors that he'll be shunned. He shouldn't be like that. At least, not when it's just Rhy, Jadey, him, and me. Just our little group won't judge him. I mean, just look at us. Heh. I have the feeling he really wants to rip my head off. He should really try it out. He shouldn't try to contain his anger like that. It's unhealthy.

But who am I to preach about things like that? I mean, he doesn't give a shit, and I don't have a right to tell people what to do to make their lives better... I just do it. Well, in this case I'm writing it out instead of telling it to his face. Meh, whatever.

So Jadey's possessive, so I think they might be a good match. Maybe their possessiveness will negate each other's, but I doubt it.

Lain just showed up. Can't help but feel irritation towards her, really. I know hardly anything about her, but I already feel the need to call her a bitch. But, meh, that's the way my anger works. The less I know about a person, the easier it is to hate them.

And Alex is right behind her. And she said she didn't want him back. Hmm, what does this look like to me? A date? Yeah, exactly. Bitch.

"Hoes before bros." Gotta love Jadey. That is so gonna be Chi Zeta Kappa's new motto.

And I have to admit... Damien's whine is so cute. I feel like smacking him because of it though. Especially the reason. He's such a pervert... And I ended up tossing a rock at his face, didn't do anything though. I figured something like that. But for what it's worth, he said "Owww".

You know, it's kinda fun to do this. Write down my thoughts during a little hangout with friends. I should do it more often. But, anyway, I'll put this away now. Don't feel like writing all the time. It'll slow down conversation.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2008-01-05 17:20 EST
January 5, 2008

So I'm sitting here in Teas'n Tomes with AJ, Phillipe, Savannah, and some new guy she's with named Will, and they're all looking down at me. Well, maybe not AJ, but still. It makes me want to punch something. It's like I don't even exist. I wish I could just disappear.

No, I wish Fay-kun was here. If Fay-kun was with me, then it would so much better. The four of them are each with their lover. I shouldn't have dropped by to say hi. Not without some kind of comfort.

Savannah's being slutty as ever, her and this guy I overheard say that they've only known each other for a few hours are all over each other. It's disgusting. Truly disgusting.

That's one of the things I extremely detest about Rhy'Din. People fall in and out of love so fast it's not even funny. Like I said before, it's disgusting. They don't understand that relationships don't freakin' work that way. There's a good side and a bad side to a person. You have to love both and be open to compromise to really make a relationship work.

And you have to get to really know a person. If you don't, and make false assumptions about them, all you'll end up doing is getting your heart broken. Tough luck, but that's the truth.

I really don't want this entry to seem as hateful as it does right now, so I'll try to put some positive light on the situation.

AJ and Phillipe have been together for months, and I'm proud of them for really getting to know each other before they got engaged.

Ugh, Savannah's being such a little slut. I feel like punching her. But I shouldn't. I shouldn't. Nope. She can do whatever she feels like doing. I'll still wear a smile and only hate her on the inside. Besides, I don't hate her that much, really. She just... reminds me of her.

She makes it seem like just any random man will do when that's not the way it works. You don't fall madly in love with stranger after stranger you met a few hours before. Ugh, I hate this.

Because, honestly, I'm pretty sure I feel in love with Fay-kun not too long after I met him. But my feelings for him and Savannah's playing around are two totally different things, aren't they?

Yeah, they are, but they aren't at the same time. I dunno. I just don't know.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2008-01-31 16:35 EST
January 31, 2008

Life's a joke right around this point. I just don't seem to care about anything anymore. It's an odd feeling, but it beats flashing people fake smiles. Might as well learn to live with it.

I just want him back.

Ryo Tosaga

Date: 2008-04-15 00:31 EST
April 14, 2008

I'm terrible. I saw him last night, and ended up not talking with him because Lucky decided to join us. Next time I see Fay-kun, I'll have to make sure we converse privately and get some good discussion in there. I really want to call him by his full name, now that I think about it. Well, I just really want him. I'm so terrible, ugh. I always just want and want and never end up really spending time with him and getting to know his inner thoughts and feelings. Maybe we are just as bad as those other Rhy'Din couples...

I dunno. He seemed so educated and proper, but still the same old Fay-kun. No, I think I'll call him Fay now one. It is more intimate to call someone by their given name and nothing more. I'll talk to him about it later. Anyway, I'm off.