Shadow wandered the marketplace. She'd been wandering a lot lately. Mainly because she felt that she wasn't fit to be near other human beings, that she was dangerous. Hating that feeling, but unable to do anything about it. The moon was full, by rights she should be happy. Full moon was when her powers were strongest, she was engaged..Happy, right? Wrong.

While wandering the marketplace she found it. A silver book with a dragon engraved. She knelt and picked it up. A faint spark from her hand to it as she opened it. Flipping through the pages inside she found it was blank. She looked to the asleep vendor whom she'd found it by, flipping him a gold coin. With that she turned and headed home, book clutched in her left hand.

Slipping silently past Ryo's room she went pretty much straight to hers. Mindful of the fact that it was midnight and he'd probably be grouchy at being awoken by her insomnia.

She set the book on her bed and started pacing. Now what? She'd never kept a journal or dairy, she was always afraid it would be used against her. However now it seemed a good idea. She was to proud too go to her brother again, and though she figured he could help her she wasn't gonna ask Darkie.

After a while more of pacing she went and found a quill, a gift from her teachers. It was bespelled to never need ink, or sharpening. Made out of a Sekera feather, the birds had metal feathers. Thus making them perfect for quills.

Setting the quill on the bed she sat up on it, sitting cross-legged with the book on her lap. She quickly made it so that it would only open to her touch. The words within only readable by one that meant her no harm. A crude spell, but it would work for now. She'd refine it later.

Laying the book on her pillow she stretched out on the bed. Now comfy, or at least comfier she nibbled on a fingernail. What to write? Thinking for a few moments she started to write, slowly at first hesitently. Then slowly increasing her speed.

"Make it new, but stay in the lines.
Just let go, but keep it inside.
Smile big for everyone,
Even when you know what they?ve done.
They gave you the end but not where to start;
Not how to build, how to tear it apart."

I don't know why I decided to start this...Well, yes I do. I needed something to confide it, something to stop all the thoughts in my head from driving me insane..More insane than I already am anyhow.

I know that Icer was trying to help, and in a way she did. I admit my fear now, I hate the helpless-ness. The fact that my shields folded like that scares me. The memories Comet guy awoke scare me more though. I know why Van helped me forget last time.. My mentality can't handle it. I feel like I'm a ping-pong ball, bouncing between the little frightened, broken girl and the pissed violated warrior..

Then there's the depressed me, the one that whispers about suicide. But they're easier to ignore, I have too many people that need me. And would be very sad if I suddenly upped and died.

I should probably confide this to a person, it would be the logical thing to do. Yet I can't bring myself to do it, you know? I won't take it to Van, Ryo doesn't really understand. Tristen wouldn't either.. Darkie might. Maybe I should try and explain what happened, and why it scared me so badly. I'd just need to catch him alone..Or close to it...It's worth a try. Maybe he can help me understand the exploding things talent too..

~Shadow Kitera~ Or more properly, ~{Isthru Yesara.}~

You know, I just realized that I've never used that name here in Rhy'Din..Mainly because I was being Hunted then, but hey..It might be a useful identity to take up again. I doubt the patrol has any idea whom that woman is. Much less how many people she killed..Hm....

I wonder how much can ever be safely confided, in anything.. I mean, there's so much knowledge here..Yet I'm scared to put any of the worser of my crimes down...If I do it might kill me. Not just the risk of being found out and killed, the memories are horrid.

Nero was right, after a fashion. One never recovers from insanity, only learns to hide it better. Maybe act normal.. I've been considered mentally unstable so often it's not funny.. You can see the change in another's eyes. When you lose the rank of 'sane person' and fall into the ranks of 'mentally ill'..

Ack..I rambled! Ah well..I'm going to try and meditate..Maybe it'll help me calm down.

The book closed with a sigh and set aside, on her nightstand in plain sight. She curled slightly so that she could hug her knees and rested. Not truly sleeping, nor even dozing. For when she did those she relived those horrid times, the ones burned forever into the space behind her eyes. Nope, she didn't sleep. Relaxing, letting go of the physical.