Topic: Vita Quod Nex in Rhy Din (18 +)

MissKate

Date: 2010-10-28 22:39 EST
Life moved forward, ever forward. She?d lived for a long time: seen so many things, met
so many people, that there were times she forgot that her unique view of the world
wasn?t shared by everyone. See? Kate had seen a lot, so when she finally waltzed into
the inn after doing a little people watching out on the porch, she wasn?t all that shocked
that the man who had shot her months before seemed to just appear behind her.

Gem?s reaction was the first she noticed, the shocked expression on her face, so she
turned and looked behind her, and there he was. Derever. Her jaw literally dropped as
she watched him?he looked exactly the same, just softer around the edges. He was
unarmed but that didn?t mean anything to her. Weapons could be hidden anywhere. Gem
introduced her to some man whose lap she was sitting on, Amber asked her if she
wanted a drink. It all flowed over her like a waterfall, muting the conversation as she
made all the right responses, turning it all into background noise. All she could see was
his face.

As the others started noticing him, she slowly started to come back to reality, preparing
for the danger he represented. Amber offered him help, her response was a quick knee
jerk ?No, don?t help him.? She stepped a little to the side, still watching him, waiting for
his move. If she noticed Gem?s look of shock she didn?t show it.

He answered Amber then looked at her again, stepping forward. Kate matched his
forward movement with a backward step of her own. He wasn?t going to get close
enough to hurt her this time. The last time she?d let his looks and his manner distract
her, she?d actually been interested. Seeing him again, knowing he was dead, was
stirring up a whole storm of emotions in her.

?You need to go away.? She lifted her finger like a shield and pointed at him. ?And not
come any closer.? The second part was the most important to her. Sweet words and a
dance weren?t going to distract her this time.

?I can?t go away. I?m bound here.? His voice was cool, distant, like talking to someone
through an old static phoneline. ?And I could not hurt you again, even if I wanted to.?

She didn?t believe him. A little part of her wanted to but she knew better?he had shot
her, she had killed him, he wouldn?t be here if he didn?t want something. ?Yes, let?s trust
the guy who the last time I saw him, shot me.? Her voice was bitter as she shook her
head. ?Not gonna happen.?

?Your friend the dragon ate me.? He sounded almost casual as he discussed his death.
He was more concerned with touching and running his hand through the edge of one of
the tables. His expression was painful, thoughtful.

?Good, I hope it hurt. A lot.? Icer eating him was news to her. Honestly, she?d never
thought about the man again after she knew he was dead, and she?d known that right
after she stabbed him and shot the liquid nitro into him. She took her normal defensive
stance and crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him.

?Less than I would have imagined. I?m sorry.? He stepped closer to her, his movements
slow, measured, as if he knew she was about to bolt at any time.

He was right, and she stepped back and away from him as she answered, ?You do
realize that ?Hey, I?m dead now, sorry I shot you.? doesn?t cut it, right?? She wanted to
run, to get away. It wasn?t just fear that was driving her but the fact that even now she
wanted to talk to him. ?Go away.?

?I can?t.? His answer was unsatisfying, annoying. ?Someone named Livinia requested it
of Lord Iannos. They promised, if I did it, they would make me like them.? His
statement of the facts was just that, no embellishments, nothing added, just telling her
what had happened, how he?d found himself there at the Inn that night pulling the trigger
of a gun and shooting her four times in the gut.

?So you?re haunting the place, I?m going to have to see you now?? Her rage could melt
ice and terrify lesser men. ?Awesome?you shot me...? Her statement overran the first
part of his explanation, but Liv?s name caught her attention. ?I know who asked it.? The
depth of her anger surfaced as she snapped at him. ?You still made the choice to do it
and now you?re making a choice to...I don?t know, what are you doing now?? She
couldn?t understand why he was talking to her. Did he think he needed some sort of
forgiveness to move on? Was he mad she killed him and haunting her to make her pay?
There were so many reasons he might be talking to her and none of them were good.

?If I told you, you would not believe me.?

At least he had that right. She uncrossed her arms so she could take off her coat,
for some unknown reason still talking to him. ?I don't have to answer your questions,
but you owe it to me to answer mine, Mister ?I shot you and didn't ask any questions
beforehand.?? If she were to tell the truth she?d have to admit she was most upset about
him seeming to want her to give him some sort of absolution when, from what she
understood, he?d never asked a question before he shot her and left her for dead in the
Inn.

?You were only injured. I'm dead. Who owes what to whom? ? He was smiling at her,
like they were friends, like it was all a joke.

?You're dead because you were stupid, and you're not really dead if you're here
talking to me, are you?? Her chin lifted as she spoke the words, her eyes hot on him. If
looks could kill, he?d be dead. Again. For good. She could almost forgive him making
a decision to kill her based on facts, based on not liking her?based on anything other
than a vague promise from a clan of vampires.

She watched as he carefully tested the stool as if he expected to fall through it. ?I was
stupid because I believed a lie. And I am not sure what else I am if not dead. I have not
eaten or slept, and this is the first time I have been able to talk to you.? Apparently she
was supposed to feel sympathy for him, the poor murderous ghost who couldn?t eat or
sleep because he?d believed a lie and tried to kill her.

She leaned against the bar, facing him. ?Why are you talking to me??

He countered her question with one of his own. ?Have you never believed a lie?? And

watched her in silence as he waited for her answer.

She decided to slip her coat off as she thought, setting it on the bar between them. ?This
isn?t about me. You?re very annoying,you know. Shooting me,and now bugging me and
refusing to answer questions.? Again she was letting her temper get the better of her,
letting it show as she struggled to get it under control.

?I did answer your question. You haven?t answered mine.? He was momentarily
distracted by her shirt, ?I always meet Mr. Wrong? was written on the front, with a little
round character next to the words. She knew he was reading it because his lips moved
as he did so. ?Your believing a lie is why you're talking to me? That makes no sense,
and I have no intention of answering any of your questions.? More defenses went up as
her eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together. ?You shot me, I hope you?re suffering
and as annoyed as I am.?

?You asked me what I was doing now. You asked me whether I was really dead. That's
two questions. I'm sure there were more, but I've forgotten them already.? There he was,
sounding all logical again, trying to make her look like the crazy one. It was annoying.

?If you weren't already dead I'd kill you. You sure I can't kill you again? Myself this time?
Cause that would be fun.? As she spoke to him she leaned a little closer to him, the first
movement toward him she?d made all night.

?I'm not annoyed, no.? It was annoying how he just looked at her with that stupid smile
on his face, it was annoying how he kept sounding so logical, it was annoying that he
was even there at all. ?Stab me. I am sitting right here. Unarmed, as far as I can
tell.? He gestured to where his sword should have been and honestly it was too good of
an offer to say no to. If nothing else, it would help a little with her annoyance at him.

So she did it, the only indication was a quick ?Ok,? then the knife was out and in his
chest. She pressed a small button on the hilt and the nitro and other gases were
released. ?This doesn?t make us even.? It did feel good though, stabbing him, just
having him sit there and let her though was a little disappointing. Revenge kills were
always better when you hunted them down, made them pay, and then killed them.

He grimaced in pain but didn?t fall over dead. Instead the cool of the nitro just whooshed
out of him and brushed her hand. His next movement actually shocked her: he leaned
forward and brushed his lips against hers in a cool kiss.

Her shock wore off fairly quickly and she stabbed him again. ?A ss.? Then the knife was
put away and she scrubbed at her lips with her hand. He had balls, she had to give him
that, but why wouldn?t he? He was dead, he had nothing to lose and had apparently
decided that she was the person he needed to talk to.

The face he made at the second stabbing wasn?t satisfying, and of course he started
asking questions again, ?Where did you get that knife? I?ve never seen anything like it
before.? Of course he?d ask about the knife, most of the men and half the women who?d
seen it in action had panted after it.

She watched him as she answered. ?Didn?t I say I wasn't going to answer your
questions? Your letting me stab you and then kissing me isn't going to change
that. What the hell was that anyway? Kiss the chick you tried to kill?? He was confusing,
trying to kill her, then kissing her? He was up to something, she was sure of it, and she
needed to find out what.

?You?re pretty. What did you ask me again?? Then he turned to look at the bottles of
booze behind the bar. Nothing says ?I don?t mean what I say? like complimenting
a woman and then looking longingly at liquor bottles.

The initial fear and anger were starting to fade, as they did so things started to click into
place, ?I've asked you why you're talking to me. You said this was the first time you
could talk to me. Have you been here the whole time?? The thought of that was very
disturbing to her.

?Yes, I told you, I can?t leave.? With that statement he walked through the bar to try and
touch one of the bottles he?d been looking at so longingly a few minutes earlier.

A thought occurred to her. ?Maybe that's your punishment then. Stuck here forever. Only
not talking to me.?

?Except I am.? He was sighing over the bottles, she almost felt sorry for him. Only?not.

?Go talk to someone else.? She watched him as she spoke. ?You've been here a little
while, I'm sure you've watched people here. Go talk to them.? It still didn?t make any
sense to her, him talking to her.

When he looked over his shoulder at her she could see a bottle through it. ?It was mostly
you that I watched. When you were not here, I tried to leave.? That thought was
unsettling so she responded the only way she knew how, with sarcasm.

?Plotting other ways to kill me?? Her smirk matched her tone.

?It was a lie. Why would I want you dead now?? He was using logic again, and it
annoyed her. She honestly didn?t know what he wanted or why he was here.

?What do you want from me?? Her head tilt was to cover up her wanting to look at him
again.

?You ask me that, again, as if my answer might change. It won't. ? She watched as he
picked up a glass, then watched as it slid through his hand and shattered on the inn
floor. She leaned up onto the bar, her feet dangling off the floor, looking at the shards of
glass there. Neither of them moved to clean it up.

?Why were you watching me then??

?For the same reason. Why were those people badgering about men and how much you
needed one?? He?d hit a target there.

Her groan was loud and her face twisted as she kicked her feet and hopped back off the

bar. ?Why would I answer your questions again? Why am I even talking to you?? She
deflected, like she always did when she didn?t want to answer something.

?Because you like to dance.? He stated this like it made perfect sense. He was watching
her again, looking into her face in this way that just unsettled her.

So she took a hop backwards and away from him, ?You?re insane.? She wanted to get
away?but at the same time she didn?t.

He apparently could feel what she was feeling. ?Maybe. I wasn't, before. But
being dead changed my perspective. Still, I might be insane, but you haven't left, and
you're not stabbing me anymore.?

Damnit, he was right. She needed to gain the upper hand and quickly. ?Stabbing you is
unsatisfying?you're still here.? She grabbed her coat and started for the door.

He followed her. ?Would you kill me again if you could??

Such a simple question, so she gave a simple answer, ?If it was painful and there was
lots of blood and screaming and death? Yes, yes I would, just to get back at you. Or I
might just threaten you a lot and make you think I?m coming after you so that you
wouldn't even sleep in your bed comfortably.? She looked at him as she spoke, keeping
her eyes on his.

?I could pretend to do all the screaming and death.? Then he smiled, he smiled that
charming smile and again she was annoyed.

Her face twisted a little. ?What's the point in that? Maybe I wouldn't kill you after
all.? Her smile was wicked as she finished. ?There are worse things than death.?

?A day-long ride after an all-night ride?? He actually looked innocent as he said it.

?No.? She just left it at that, looking at him.

He looked back, a game of chicken between their eyes.

?If I leave you can?t follow can you??

?No? His answer echoed hers from a few minutes earlier. ?The porch is as far as I can
go.?

?Works for me.? She smiled that smile at him again. ?Just making sure you're attached
to the building and not me. I can leave you here.?

His face was blank as he answered her. ?You could if you wanted to.? He walked past
her to the door, trying to open it but failing on the first try, finally making his hand solid
enough to pull it open and looking back at her.

?You need to find a new playmate, someone else to talk to, because you and me? So not

gonna work. I don't even like you. ? She moved closer to him and the door he was
holding open for her. ?I mean when the opening line is ?Lets dance, bam bam bam? and
the second one is ?I'm a ghost but I'm sorry?? Just not good.?

He laughed at her, the sound was odd, like icy branches hitting a window pane. ?That is
your summary??

Her annoyance showed again as she answered, ?Pretty much, it?s correct.? Her shrug
accompanied her next question. ?Why? What?s yours?? She didn?t know why she asked
him but she actually did want to know his feelings on the subject.

?I made a mistake that I paid for. I have proven that I am no danger to you. I think we
should begin again.? He must have lost focus again because the door slid through his
hand and started to close. He caught it with his shoulder then stepped out onto the porch.

She followed, ?I don?t trust you. Even if you?re dead.? It was true, he was far too
dangerous to trust. In more ways than he knew.

?I do not expect you to. Would you trust any stranger? Trust is earned over time.?

?Ugh.? The word was drawn out. ?Does this mean we?re going to be spending time
together?? She had to admit that there was a little bit of happiness at that thought.

His palm flattened against the railing as he leaned forward and he peered out into the
darkness. ?You?ll come back.? The statement was simple, the feelings it stirred up in her
weren?t.

?Not for you.? She slid her arms into her jacket, wondering again why she was feeling
this way.

?Maybe not. But you'll come back, and I'll be here. Even if you can't see me.? He didn?t
know her, didn?t know her history or how she?d react to his words.

?That?s just creepy, you know that right? ? She looked at him, wondering if he could
understand what she was saying. ?It?s stalkerish and icky.?

?I would love to have a choice and I would have if you hadn?t killed me.? It was the
first sign of anger she?d seen, when he looked at her he wasn?t smiling, but she was,
inside.

?You deserved it. You shot me.?

?Minor annoyance.? He gestured toward her. ?Death.? He then set his hand against his
chest.

?You didn?t know that when you shot me.? Her hand lifted and she poked him in the
chest with a finger. At first there was resistance, it felt like leather, and then her whole
hand slid into him. His scowl was dark as he stepped away from her. He lifted a hand
and rubbed the spot her hand had just been as he sat on the railing.

?Does it bother you when I do that?? Yes, her mind was working again. Anything to
annoy him and put him off balance was a tool she?d use. Over and over and over
again. Her finger pressed against his shoulder as she tested her theory.

?And I also thought, when I did it, that?? He?d started before she?d poked him, this time
he was ready though and her finger only encountered soft leather. ??yes. It doesn't feel
especially good to have things sticking out of me. Do you like it when people stick things
in you??

It almost seemed like he was laughing at her. She smirked as she hopped up onto the
railing next to him. ?Depends. And what did you think when you did it?? She wasn?t
going to let his statement go that easily.

?I haven't stuck anything in you.? What he said might have seemed innocent but she
wasn?t buying it.

?You shot me. Though if you'd stuck something in me first I'd be more pissed than I am
now.?

?I was sad.? He admitted, and she was shocked for a few seconds.

Her laughter was slightly bitter. ?Yeah, right. You were sent to kill me, you had to know
that.?

?That?s what I thought, yes.? She couldn?t be sure but it felt like he was telling the truth,
finally.

?We danced, it's not like you knew me for a long time and then had to kill me.? Her
shoulders lifted in another slight shrug. ?You might have felt guilty but not sad.?

?You don?t have to believe me for it to be true.? His voice was starting to sound more
distant, colder.

Her eyes scanned his face, looking for answers, ?So you're stuck here, stalking
me, which puts me in this hell with you.?

This time it was his shoulders that lifted in a shrug, ?As hells go, it could be worse.?

?Oh yes, being stuck talking to the guy who wanted me dead is just so cool.? Her
chuckle echoed off the empty street.

?You're not stuck. There is not a bit of glue on that wood.? He lifted a hand and pointed
at her sitting on the railing, then crossed his arms over his chest.

?So I can just ignore you from now on? You'll leave me alone?? His point had her
hopping off the railing and standing on the porch.

?Do you want to be left alone?? Such a simple question.

Never one to answer directly, she set her hands on her hips and asked a question of her
own, ?If I asked you to, would you stop watching me??

?Maybe.? His feet were planted, firmly on the porch, his head tipped to one side.

Her movements copied his, head tilted to one side, ?Why were you sad and what were
you promised??

?I was sad because you were lovely, and I could not imagine what you had done to
deserve death. Killing you was the last thing I wanted to do.?

?So what were you promised that you did it? Without question, you took the job.? This
was something she couldn?t understand.

?I was promised immortality.? On some level she?d known that was coming. He flickered
for a second as he said it.

All of her senses sharpened as he said that. ?Who?? One of her hands reached forward
toward his arms, trying to grab a hold of it.

Whatever he was trying to say was lost in static and interference. Her other hand
reached over to try and grab him. ?Answer me!?

He solidified for a moment, ?I did.? There was anger on his face, anger and frustration
as he reached for her as well. Then he disappeared.

?No you didn't.? She turned around, frowning, looking for him. ?I didn?t hear you.? She
stomped a foot like a child. ?This is not fair! I'm not coming back you know. You can just
stew here all alone.?

There was no answer.

?Arrrrrrrgh!? Again her frustration surfaced. ?I hate you! A lot!? And with that parting
shot she stormed down the front porch stairs and into the night.

MissKate

Date: 2010-11-03 17:58 EST
The battle between Liv and I keeps escalating, small skirmishes, tiny battles, casualties are becoming almost a nightly occurrence. The cuts, bruises, stab wounds, and burns are just one more thing to live with. The need for blood to help heal myself is pushing me to hunt more. I?ve spent less and less time in the Inn and more time getting what I need.

I think she?s just testing me, seeing if I have help, watching to see what my reactions will be. She?s also wearing me out, when every night is a battle you stop taking care of yourself. I won?t put my friends in danger, won?t ask for their help and she knows this as well. So she keeps throwing bodies at me, humans, ghouls, anyone she deems unworthy will be sacrificed for her need to get revenge,

I spare as many as I can but the truth is there?s no guarantee that they won?t come after me again. I don?t know the hold she has over them, don?t know if it?s a spell, a lie, blackmail, or what. For all I know she?s holding their families hostage. There are just so many questions, so many variables.

I can?t drag my friends into this, it?s too dangerous and most of them have their own problems to deal with. As much as I wish it were different, I have to deal with this on my own.




The evening had gone badly. I was distracted by this whole Derever thing, trying to figure out what he wanted and if he could be trusted, even a little bit. I was patrolling an area near the townhouse Alex and I had lived in, checking to see if it was being watched, if Liv had decided to blow that up as well.

The hit came from the side, I heard him coming a few seconds too late and as I turned his knife slid into my side. The pain was immediate and dropped me to my knees as he hit me again, the pure unadulterated anger came a few seconds later. He was stupid and just stood there, smiling at me, looking like to all the world like he?d slayed a dragon. I don?t think he was expecting me to come after him, the casual way he stepped closer, knife held up to strike again.

I looked up at him, smiled and struck, ?You really shouldn?t leave yourself open like that guy.? My knife slid easily into his belly, not a fatal strike, we both knew it, but as he started to smile himself, thinking he was going to make it out of all of this alive and have another shot at me I pushed the button on the hilt and released the nitro into his belly. As his innards were pushed and frozen by the basketball sized burst of gasses his face froze and I pulled my knife back.

There wasn?t time to gloat, I could hear people coming so I took off, opening the hilt of the knife as I ran, dumping the spent cartridge and slipping a new one in as I moved.

I fought my way through two more small groups of Livites, taking various hits, cuts, and burns before I made it to the Inn and walked in. This was a place they wouldn?t follow me into, Liv hated it and they all knew I had friends here.

Lirssa was there at the bar, as was Eless, Johnny was tending, I didn?t want to freak Lirssa out so I headed to a booth. My plan was to sit, relax, let whoever else might be outside and out to get me think I wasn?t coming out and then go home. If things didn?t go well or if I needed it I could always go upstairs to my room and grab a few bottles of Synth blood to get me through, sleeping there.

Eless noticed but it is hard to get anything past that one and I knew it. She quietly offered assistance, I assured her I was ok and asked her to get me a bottle of vodka. She brought that and a pot of salve. I didn?t tell her that more than likely I wouldn?t need it.

It was about this time that the night went from bad to worse, at least that?s what I?d tell you if you asked. Derever appeared, full of questions, demands, and something else I couldn?t quite put a finger on.

We of course argued, he was demanding answers to questions he had no right to ask. My war with Liv is none of his business, at best he?s a unintentional causality, at worst he?s a plant to get into my life and kill me.

The problem is I wanted to tell him, for once I just wanted to climb into someone?s lap, have them wrap their arms around me, spill everything, and let them help. I was so, so tired and even if he was just a ghost, the ghost of the man who tired to kill me, I wanted to trust him.

I made a decision and ported us to my room. Honestly? The look on his face made it so worth it. He was so so shocked that I was a ?Mage?. I did find out that the Nikolaides were almost decimated by a mage and they hated all mages. So, just like almost every vampire I know they would want me deader than dead if they knew what I could do.

I told him it was secret, knowing full well that if he told anyone I would be public enemy number one with quite a few groups of people. It had been a risk even showing him what I could do but I was tired and the thought of being seen by Lirssa or any of the others who knew me, then having to answer questions about what had happened was just something I didn?t want to deal with.

If I was being honest with myself I would admit that some part of me wanted him to know, wanted to see what his reaction would be, wanted someone to know what I could do and not know the consequences of it. I wanted someone to trust with it all. Keeping it all secret, not telling anyone, not letting anyone in was wearing on me.

Him outing me was a risk but it was one I was willing to take.

Haladjian

Date: 2010-11-19 21:18 EST
This city!

This city, full of dreamers and fools, this hub of the wheel of all the worlds, this incorporation of liars and thieves! This city where every man is a monster and every woman a martyr, where every ragamuffin street urchin is heir to a kingdom. This mighty city, where the pinnacles of technology exist side-by-side with the most esoteric of magics. This place where sewage runs in the gutter outside the golden-domed temples of the rich, where spaceship pilots walk past legless beggars without a second glance, where billions are promised to orphans and taken away the next day to the sound of universal forgetfulness. This city so full of contradictions, of either-or, of antitheses, that there could not in all the worlds exist a more fit home for my Kate.

Rhydin, jewel and cesspit of the Nexus.

When I was a child I wanted nothing more than to leave Shrewsbury and live in this place where insanity and genius are closer than the space between one breath and the next. As a young man I went to the castle of my ancestors to pledge service to them, in the hopes of gaining a base of power there that would enable me to make the city my own. As a fully-grown adult I seized the opportunity to go to the city and slay the enemy of one of our allies. I was promised a place in eternity. I was told that if I did this one thing, my own great-great-great grandfather would induct me into the ranks of the Nikolaides. I was overeager, and so I believed a lie.

That lie killed me.

MissKate

Date: 2010-11-24 22:45 EST
Love?a four letter word that evoked such emotion, positive and negative.

For Kate it was a word she never really said. She?d say she loved her friends, but she never let any of them in. Then Derever burst into her life. He knew how to play her so well, how to corner her into reacting, rather than thinking things through. Since he?d gotten his life back he?d kissed her, loved her, been confused by her, argued with her, been pushed to the edge by her?and finally he?d disappeared.

The entire time Kate felt like she?d been twisting in the wind. Her emotions, good and bad, seemed to run on high around him. She loved being around him, but feared her feelings?and what he might do with them and her. Fear had ruled her the weeks she?d known him. It colored every conversation and interaction she?d had with him. Because of it, she couldn?t stop pushing him. Every time she thought they?d made up, each time she thought she saw something softer in him, she let that primal fear take over. She pushed. She said something mean. She started an argument out of thin air.

Since he?d gotten back he hadn?t harmed her in any way, but when she thought about their interactions she realized she had hurt him. Thinking about it, she slowly ticked off a list in her head.

She had:
Threatened him, justifying it by his shooting her
Ignored him
Yelled at him
Buried the ring he was bound to under a bush, then asked Chris to dump it in a strip club far away from her (He hadn?t, which still pissed her off)
Ran from him, over and over again
Implied that he didn?t have man parts, and that if he did she wouldn?t touch them (Oh, he did. And yes, she had)
Hit him
Agreed to marry him, and then treated it like a business contract
Dated another man in front of him
Had sex with him and treated it as if it were unimportant
Treated him as if he were unimportant, calling him ?just some guy?
Told him she never thought about him
Trashed his office and studio
Searched his house for information
Refused to tell anyone about their engagement, openly denying it
Lied to her friends about him and her feelings for him

Was it any wonder he?d taken off? That he hadn?t followed her home, wasn?t at his house? As she wandered though the quiet, empty Tudor on New Haven Hill she made a decision. He?d told her that she could redecorate after they were married, so she was going to start. Hopefully it wouldn?t matter that they weren?t married yet, and that the last discussion they?d had about marriage had ended in her saying they?d never get married because he refused to sign the prenup she?d told him about. Hopefully.

Her first phone call was to a company that would install automated blackout shutters on all the windows. She wasn?t about to keep sleeping in the basement.

Haladjian

Date: 2010-11-26 19:16 EST
My life, once taken from me, now returned to me. My life, here in this city, is predicated upon a lie. It is amazing to me, how vast an edifice can be built upon such a minute piece of fraudulence as a few letters. A word. A name, to be precise.

My name.

I am not who I say I am. I never was. I am an artist; I never lied about that. In my descriptions to Kate, I have painted my life as an idyllic childhood, followed by ten years of faithful, loyal service in arms to the lords and masters of my little world. If I let it slip that my service was at times onerous, that the lords and ladies of the Nikolaides occasionally used my body and blood more cruelly than the dictates of contractual obligations should allow?well, then, it is only a means to gain sympathy from her.

It is little wonder that she expresses again and again her fears for my continuing existence in the world of the Kindred here in Rhydin. I must seem a babe in arms to her?not only due to the difference in our ages, but because I have given her to believe such a simplistic view of my life before I came to the city to kill her.

It is all falsehood. I know intimately the politics of the undead, what is required for a living man to survive in a nest of vampires: how one must be played against another, how to use duplicity and flattery not only to secure my continuing existence, but to gain my objectives with minimal repercussions. I was no loyal, well-trained hound. In the cutthroat court of the Nikolaides I was not much more than a pawn, true, but I had both breeding and cunning on my side. I was a pawn who aspired to be king.

Lord Iannos rules the court at Shrewsbury, and I am his mortal bloodborn heir.

MissKate

Date: 2010-11-29 17:09 EST
The blackout shades had been installed the first evening, while that work was being done Kate met with the contractor she?d had work on the WestEnd townhouse. Barry was for all intents and purposes a portly human, he was gruff, short, and at times mean, but he got the work done, quickly, and he never gave away secrets.

Three rooms, three rooms to be redone and decorated, a few others to have wall paper pulled down and painted, a fairly easy and short work order from Kate.

First was the music room, she left the piano in it and at times she could be heard playing it, the walls had been painted in various purple stripes of varying colors, white swirled vines and flowers then painted on top of it. Then she added a desk made of multi colored boxes, each box could be pressed on and it would pop up for storage of various items. On top of it was a laptop, an antique phone, pencils, a few books, paperwork, and a leather day planner. Stacked next to it were a few filing boxes. One wall she had changed to accomidate some of her books.

Next was the kitchen, the black and white tile was replaced with slate in varying colors, browns, tans, greens, greys, and dark blues. She had new cabinets put in, the wood was a warm, honey color and the cornices on top, along with the back of the island were dyed and wiped down with a blue dye. The countertop was where she really changed things, she?d had it made out of concrete and had seashells, seaglass, pebbles, and other items set into it, at one corner of the island she?d had two paintbrushes (One of them broken) set like an ?X? into it, the entire thing was smoothed out with a resin finish. The backsplash was made out of tiles matching the floor.

The bedroom had been painted from top to bottom in bluish purple, getting lighter as it went down the wall, bleeding into a light green at the bottom. She?d gotten a ?new? antique four poster bed, two whitewashed antique armoire?s and set them on either side of the room, two mismatched end tables were on either side of the bed, and two tall lamps that looked like outdoor lamposts were also set on either side of the bed.

In three nights she?d made some major changes, she just hoped he?d be pleased when he saw it.

MissKate

Date: 2010-12-02 18:23 EST
He came home the 4th night. He was shocked to see me, I could see it on his face, the blink, the confusion, it was all there. I was nervous as hell, as usual we had left things up in the air, in a not great place, but as I peeked out from the kitchen, he smiled and on some level I knew things would be ok. It?s amazing how one look can change everything, Derever has two different smiles, one is closed and sarcastic, the other is open, beautiful, when he smiles that second one it?s like standing in the sun, nothing can be wrong in the world and all I have to do is walk into his arms and all will be well.

Unfortunately I don?t see that second smile too often. I was lucky that night though, he was happy to see me and when I told him I?d been doing work on the house he was even happier, walking over, swinging me up into the air, and kissing me. It was a perfect moment.

it didn?t last. He loved the kitchen, loved the crossed paint brushes I?d had set into the counter, but then he started talking about venison and serving it at the wedding reception. I realized then that he thought my making changes to the house meant that I was going to marry him without the prenup. Things went downhill rather quickly after that and I ended up leaving and promising to have all the new furniture and all my things taken from the house and the old things returned the next day.

Then I left.

I know it seems so random, happy to upset to gone but we were on two different pages and obviously didn?t tell each other.

I wanted to move in, try things out, see if we even could live together. I was willing to try but I think I overstepped. I should have realized what he was thinking, what he?d think before I did it.

After I left I went to see Bear, funny how that always happens, Derever and I have an argument and I end up at Luciens. The night before Bekah had pretty much gotten the truth about Derever and how I felt out of me. So I just spilled it all.

I want to marry him, I want to be with him, in spite of everything, even if it all blows up in my face I wonder is the short amount of happiness before it goes bad worth it? The answer is yes, yes, and again, yes. I mean what if he?s legit and I throw it all away because I?m paranoid.

I have to take the chance.

Luckily I have Bear on my side and I think he and i figured out a way so that I can marry Derever and still keep all my stuff mine.

I?ve been hiding out at the cottage, thinking about what i should do. It?s been over a week since I last saw Derever. As soon as I get my nerve up I?ll have to see if he still wants me.

MissKate

Date: 2010-12-05 23:04 EST
What does one do while one hides? Well I don?t know what everyone else does but I think and usually bake, this time around I did more decorating than baking. It is after all the holiday season and I do have three different homes to get all festivfied.

I started with the castle, finding the right tree for it has always been a challenge. I always but the biggest tree I could find in the main room, right in the middle of the circle so it could be seen from all the staircases and balconies that face inward. This year I was lucky and Chris found a nice, tall, full one.

Next project was to find all the lights and decorations, the vast tunnels and storage areas under the castle are a maze, we catalog everything but even with that it takes some time to find all the boxes and drag them up.

I?ve always loved working on the tree, a full night putting everything on it, smiling at the memories some of the decorations have, laughing at the reason behind a broken light or decoration, almost everything on the tree has some sort of memory.

For the first time I only did the tree and left Chris to finish the rest of the room, I got a tree for the townhouse and went to the market to buy everything for it. Where the castle tree is all memories, this one is all themed, this year I bought little wooden toys to put on it, I also got large multi colored lights and rather than tinsel I put on a garland that looked like large, sugar colored, candies. I figured I could always change it next year.

I got a third three for the cottage I was staying at. It?s small, one main, open room with a small kitchen area, a table, a large fireplace, and two couches with a coffee table in the middle, I had them put in a small wash room for anyone who might come to visit. The only other rooms are upstairs, a bedroom with another large fireplace and a full size bathroom.

Obviously I put the tree on the lower level, rather than get a real tree, this time I got a fake, white one. I put blue lights on it, silver beads, and silver, blue, and white ornaments, A silver and jeweled star finished the look off.

For the first time I got a wreath and put it on the cottage door, then went back to the market and got some lights to string up outside of the cottage. I ran them around the door, the windows, the roof line, and then wrapped the trunks of the two large trees that stood on either side of it.

It felt good to get things done and to have something to occupy my time while I obsessed over what I was going to do with Derever and our problems.

Now it was time to stop thinking and start acting.

MissKate

Date: 2010-12-12 11:36 EST
I?m not good at admitting I?m wrong or saying sorry. It just never happens. Living as long as I have makes you realize that having regrets or even worrying about things too much would drive you crazy. So while I do make mistakes, do stupid things, I?m more likely to deal with the consequences and move forward, trying not to make the same mistake again.

With Derever I actually had to admit to him I was wrong and ask his forgiveness. Which kind of pisses me off. Ugh.

It took a few days to work up my courage, think of what I wanted to do and how I wanted to do it, then write, rewrite, write again, and finally send a message to him. It was short and to the point: "I'm sorry, for everything. Do you remember the lake I took you too? I had a cottage built next to it, please come on Friday, I'll even have dinner waiting. K"

Waiting is the worst, I had three days to think about it all, worry about what I was going to say, how he was going ot react, I didn?t even know what kind of mood he would be in. We hadn?t seen each other the entire time I was hiding and I had no way to gage him.

So Friday morning right before the sun came up I started cooking, throwing meat, vegetables, spices, and some Guinness into the crock pot. I turned it on and went to bed.

I woke up to the smell of slowly cooking Guinness stew. With the weather as cold and nasty as it was every winter in Rhy Din I figured he?d need the warm up. As I waited for him to show (Or not show) I pulled out a bread starter and started kneading.

Whenever I need to think I bake, there?s something nice about having absolute rules, you have to put in this much flour, this much salt, let it sit for this long, bake it for this long. The act of kneading, the repetitive motions where you?re working but you can let your mind wander. It?s always helped.

The bread was just coming out of the oven when I heard the horse, I couldn?t stop the smile that appeared when I realized he actually had come. So again I waited and after a few minutes I heard something or someone hit the lake water.

Opening the front door I knew he?d jumped in but I really wasn?t sure why, as I walked toward the lake and down the dock I just watched, trying to figure out how he was feeling. The water glowed a brilliant blue in the darkness, his movements causing the bioluminescence to flash. As I sat at the end of the dock I greeted him and admitted that I?d missed him.

As I helped him out of the water I still couldn?t read him but I just didn?t care. He was here, he?d come, I could touch him, hug him, look at him, and maybe if I were lucky kiss and do more to him. Even if this was going to be the last time I saw him I?d at least have it.

The nerves set in again as we went back to the cottage and I started looking for a blanket for him. The initial warmth was settling into a slow burn of need. I pushed it down as I wrapped him up and directed him to the couch. I busied myself with getting him some stew, keeping my side of the conversation as banal as possible. Once he had the bowl and we were both sitting though the dam broke and I just started babbling, "I have a lot of stuff to say to you Derever. You ready to listen?". I tromped down my emotions, I didn?t want him to see the sheer happiness I felt at seeing him, the hope that he would forgive me, the fear that he wouldn?t.

"I'm sorry, for the house thing. I shouldn't have just gone into your house and changed things I didn't explain either, I just left. I was thinking we could just try for a while, living together, seeing how it went. I've been thinking and I missed you, a lot. I get that the prenup is a no go for you." I looked at him before I continued. "So I realized I had a decision, walk away and protect myself from whatever it is you've got up your sleeve, realizing that maybe there's nothing up that sleeve and I'm throwing something potentially great away out of paranoia. Or marry you, be happy for however long it lasts and just enjoy it, maybe getting the great forever. So, uh, if you'll still have me, I'd rather be with you than without. Married, not married, living alone, living together, whatever."

So there it was, he?d once asked what my fears, hopes, and dreams were, I?d dodged the question, claiming that I didn?t fear anything, I didn?t hope for anything, and I didn?t dream when I slept. This time I laid it all out on the table for him.

I was looking down at my hands when he finally spoke, ?Why did you change your mind?"

It was a legitimate question, one I?d expected but didn?t really want to answer, there were a few reasons I?d changed my mind, I told him the one he wanted to hear, "I love you. I want to be with you. I can't keep hiding." It was the truth, not the whole truth by any stretch of the imagination but the truth none the less.

Again I waited but I couldn?t sit still so I went to get him a whiskey, he finally answered as I gave him the glass, "So. Venison?". At first I didn?t realize what he was saying but then I remembered the conversation we?d had the night he?d come home to see what I?d done to his house, on that night he?d thought we were going going to get married because I?d redecorated and he?d said he wanted venison to be served at the reception.

In that moment I swear I saw the sun. He made me feel warm, happy, and protected. It was perfect.

Haladjian

Date: 2010-12-16 12:55 EST
We fought afterward, of course.

My Kate is very accustomed to getting her way. I begin to wonder whether anyone other than her sister Livinia ever stood their ground with her, after her Embrace. She truly seemed to believe that having made this one small concession to me, she should be allowed her own way with no questions asked.

?Why do you always have to push?? she demanded, when I wanted to know how her capitulation would affect what I wanted to do with the man who had recently declared himself Prince. She has no idea what my intentions are; I have deliberately kept her in the dark. She currently believes, I think, that I am going to rush up to him at the first opportunity, cause a huge public scene or fight, and get myself killed. If she knew the truth, she would probably kill me herself, first.

Cunning is a part of every Kindred?s actions. It is how they view the world. With their Embrace, they have become both more powerful and more vulnerable. The motives that drive mortal human men and women?hunger, thirst, desire, curiosity, greed, altruism?change into drives and emotions that are almost unrecognizable when set against their ancestors.

Take Kate herself, for example. Her primal urge is to hunt. I saw her in action when I was dead and she carried my ring, and I tell you that even knowing it might mean my own death, I am not certain I could resist her. Beyond the primal urge she schemes to make herself safe. It is understandable; her sister has been trying for centuries to kill her. Even in that absence, though, she would first plan for her own safety: because she is Kindred, and because the events of her life shaped who she is so strongly that she is still affected by the memories two millennia later. Past that, she focuses on the manipulation of others. She has grown so adept at it that most never even realize she is doing it, and she always gets her own way. Always, always, always. No one ever even questions her. I think it has moved past enjoyment or need, for her, and become simply habit. As if she were Queen of Rhydin.

She does not know how well I understand this, how the mind of a vampire works. When I asked her why she had changed her mind and decided to accept my proposal, she told me, ?I love you, I want to be with you, and I can?t keep hiding.? I was supposed to simply accept this at face value.

And it is true. But I also know that the best kinds of lies are those which are absolutely true. When I asked her to marry me the first time, it was on not much more than a whim. I did not expect her to accept my proposal. I did not admit my feelings for her at that time, as she would never have believed me and would have distanced herself just to assure her own safety. (Safety first, remember.) So I framed it as a business arrangement. I wanted access to her money, to the prestige that being her husband would grant me in the city. This was all true; as I said, the best lies are the truth.

The next night, or the one after, she gave me a document to read, a contract she called a ?prenup.? I read it, and she could not have more openly stated her fear of me if she had shouted it from the rooftops. In direct contradiction to the original agreement, this piece of paper said, I was not to touch her money, or her businesses, or her houses, or anything she had accumulated in the time before she met me. It proved her acceptance a lie, and she was furious when I did not simply roll over and take it.

This sudden capitulation of hers without questions or conditions is another lie. Now I must discover the source of it and decide what to do. I understand her reasons for lying, as I have said. The difference between us is that I am more successful in mine.

MissKate

Date: 2010-12-19 22:49 EST
I?d gotten the papers a day or so before I?d written Derever the note. No matter how much I might love him, how much I care for him, or how much I wish I could trust him, I don?t and I need to make sure he can?t destroy me.

So weeks before, after yet another argument where he said he wouldn?t sign and i said I wouldn?t marry him unless he did sign, I realized that we were at an impasse. What I told him was the truth, I had to decide if I wanted to take a chance that he was what I wanted, what I need. As I walked away and left his house, again, I started for Bears, thinking about what I wanted to do.

It is interesting that throughout all of this I almost always end up going to see him. Ali used to be my go to guy, all those years ago. Even when we weren?t around each other I used to ask myself what he would do. I know he gets all upset when I call him ?Pater? but the truth is he?s been more of a father figure for me than anyone else I?ve known. Including forgiving me for my sins and not abandoning me.

Ali though has his own things going on, so I haven?t talked to him about any of this, I?ve actually avoided seeing him so I wouldn?t be tempted to add my problems onto his. Now? I dread even telling him I?m getting married and to who. For some reason I don?t think he?ll take it well.

So I found myself going to see Bear again. I needed more than advice, I needed legal help, if Derever wouldn?t sign the prenup and if i really loved him and really wanted him then I was hoping he could help me work out a way.

He did help me, at a price. I had to admit it all, my feelings, what I wanted, I had to back down. This whole time Lucky was the one who was there when I was shot, he?s the only one of my friends who saw it all happen, who had a shot taken at him as well. He out of everyone has the most reason to distrust and hate Derever. Telling him I loved and wanted to marry Derever pretty much sucked. He took it better than I thought he would, he still doesn?t like Derever and really doesn?t trust him but he accepted what i had to say and then switched gears to help me.

And my Bear, my Lucky Lucky Bear figured it all out. A family trust, he put all of my wealth, my property, everything into a family trust with me as the only person in charge. Derever can?t touch it, hell Chris can?t touch it.

As I said he sent me the package with the paperwork in it, I signed, and then I wrote to Derever.

In short? Bear gave me everything I wanted

MissKate

Date: 2011-02-11 14:19 EST
The months since her return had been, difficult, to say the least. There had been fights, kidnappings, battles, deaths, torture, and revenge. Navigating the ever shifting sands of allies, foes, and family had take it?s toll on not only Kate but her friends and those she considered family. Perhaps the biggest causality in it all was the relationships, things had changed to a point where they could never be the same.

Some of it had happened in big explosions but most of the changes had been subtle shifts, little things that at first seemed like nothing but built up into a mountain of change. She was used to it, used to having people leave, come back, die, even switch sides but through it all she?d always been able to keep a core group of friends. It was looking like that was going to change too.

It had started with the Ali thing, Ali, one of two people she?d known for ever, who know most of her secrets, who always seemed there to help and not judge, someone she?d do anything for. His family was as messed up and overbearing as her own, she?d offered help without second thought. What she?d failed to think about was his new friends and family here, people who didn?t know her, didn?t trust her and who were being forced to not only let her into their lives and problems, but in some cases live with her.

But she?d been caught in the moment, focused on the problem at hand, one foot in front of the other, meeting each problem as it came, misstepping a lot but it seemed like things were going to be ok.

Lirssa?s kidnapping and torture and Ali?s problems after getting back were the first sign to her that things were well out of her control. As much as she might have cared about Lirssa she wasn?t the girls family and while she could be there for Ali, listening to him, and offering advice but he seemed so lost.

That conversation with Ali would be the basis for an argument and break in her relationship with Fio all those months later on Christmas Night. She?d know things, Ali had told her things that he hadn?t told Fio, Kate hadn?t said anything, she hadn?t felt there was a need and what she?d been told was private. She?d always kept secrets and this just seemed like one more in a long line. She also hadn?t known what, if anything he?d told Fio, she wasn?t in their marriage and she didn?t want to be.

Christmas night was when she realized what had happened, it was impossible to mistake the look on Fio?s face or her feelings when she declared that she should have left Kate in the Inn after she?d been knocked out and while her anger and even her comments might have been justified, Kate went into defensive mode.

The verbal battle between the two of them was short but brutal, it only stopped when Ali came back from torturing Derever. The end of that night had Kate all but kicking them all out of her house and determined to not involve them with her problems anymore. It was yet another defense mechanism, one she had perfected, one Fio had given her a perfect opening for.

The Derever situation was another complication that seemed to keep shifting under her feet. Hired to kill her, she?d killed him instead. The man had been woefully misinformed when it came to her, he?d shot her, obviously not knowing she was kindred, she never thought about him again, knowing he was dead but never knowing what was done with the body. Lucky and Bekah had taken care of her that night and she?d had to explain everything to them. For once they wouldn?t just accept what she?d told them and she had to tell them her sister, Liv was back.

It was three months later, on her birthday, when she?d walked into the Inn and through a ghost that she recognized. Derever was dead but still there and he?d been stuck at the Inn and watching her, the whole time. The defenses went up, again, and she was horrible to him, the problem was she was intrigued, the night he?d shot her they?d danced and right before he?d done the deed he?d seemed sorry for it. He?d treated her as just a woman, not Kate, not the Princess, just an attractive woman he?d asked to dance. The shooting part ruined it but when he appeared again and she knew he couldn?t hurt her she didn?t fully push him away.

She?d made it hard for him, she didn?t believe him, he?d shot her, tried to kill her, yet here he was claiming he liked her, wanted to be with her, wanted to be human to be with her. She couldn?t help it, she kept pushing, often being outright mean and manipulative to him.

When he finally became whole again, human, touchable, the dance continued. He was infinitely patient, kind even. The times he?d lost his temper were more than justified as she played her game, treating him like a doll or a chess piece on the board of her life. He asked her to marry him, she said yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes again. He?d told her his home would be her?s when they married, she took steps to start a family trust so he couldn?t touch anything of her?s, never telling him. She?d been blatant in her distrust of him, not telling him things, going behind his back, keeping secrets, big and small. She?d broken into his house, dated other men because she knew it would hurt him. She?d poked, pricked, needled, and pushed him until he finally broke.

The shattering of their relationship seemed so calm, an article in the GangSTAR, a reporting of what she?d said, a question, a quiet discussion in the Inn, then he walked out of her life.

She?d pushed, pulled, and beat him to the point where he just couldn?t take anymore, she?d done it, knowing full well what would happen, needing to know where that line was so she wouldn?t cross it again, but she?d been so focused on herself that she?d hurt him.

The question was what was she going to do about it?

((Please refer to the Christmas Post For more information on the Ali/Derever issue and the Kate/Fio fight, this is the continuation of that, sorta)

MissKate

Date: 2011-02-22 08:10 EST
Sometimes making up is great, there?s kissing, hugging, and even make up sex. It?s at those times you realize that whatever you?re saying sorry for didn?t mean anything, that more than likely the argument was a nothing thing, a pebble in the ocean.

Actual, true, real making up sucks, you have to face your faults, admit you were wrong, apologize, and accept the consequences. All of that can only happen if the person you wronged is willing to speak to you.

I?ve never been particularly willing to admit I was wrong. I hate it, admitting I?m wrong shows the cracks, it shows weakness to those you?ve wronged. Having to do all this, tell all of this to Derever was more than upsetting to me, it hurt and opened up old wounds that I thought were long gone.

I knew I was going to have to admit things to him that I didn?t want to but first I had to admit to myself that I really did love him, that on some level I need him. As silly as it sounds? That was the worst.

So I went to find him, I took the tunnels to his house and I was shocked that he hadn?t changed the code to enter. When I stepped in I smelled it, illness, since he was the only one living there, I knew it was him.

As I hit the main floor I could hear him breathing in the music room. He was asleep when I checked on him so I went to make him some soup and tea. It sounds stupid but him being sick made this all easier, my first response was to want to take care of him, to help him, which eased my mind. It meant I was doing the right thing.

I packed everything up in some thermos?s, set it all on a tray, and took it back to where he was sleeping. After setting the tray on the floor I looked at him, he was still my handsome man, someone I lusted for whenever I saw him, someone who could push my buttons (in good and bad ways), and who could piss me off faster than anyone else, but laying there, he also looked like a lost boy.

I?d never thought about how all of this had effected him. He?d actually died, been stuck at the Inn as a ghost, forced to watch those who had killed him live their lives, party, carry on like nothing had changed. Then for some reason he fell in love with me and I?d battled him at every turn, pushed him away, lied to him, done things that I can?t even say. He fought, not only for me but for his life, finding a way to become human again, whole. Yet the war between us continued. He got a house, made money, kept promises.

Then I broke him in a cruel way.

Now, apparently he was sick and sleeping on a couch in his music room.

I bent down and kissed his forehead.

MissKate

Date: 2011-02-25 13:16 EST
He had a fever, I?d figured as much when I?d come into the room. Touching him had confirmed it. Part of me wanted to wake him up with the touch, I ached for him and needed to know he was ok.

His eyes opened and he pushed himself up, looking at me in confusion. He wasn?t awake, not really, the fact that he reached for me, pulling me down for a kiss proved it. I hoped, as my lips brushed against his, that when he did fully wake up he wouldn?t be upset that I was taking advantage. Even with all the fighting I needed him and no matter how odd it seemed this small piece of normalcy eased all the hurts, all the pain because even if we fought most of the time, in our heart of hearts, when we weren?t fully there, we needed and loved each other.

A second kiss followed the first then a third after that. Each one more needy, each one steeling my resolve to make this right.

After the third kiss he pulled me down on top of him, I could feel the heat of the fever, burning off his bare chest, my own cool skin a stark contrast. My arms wrapped around him as he settled me between his legs, both of us shifting so the other was comfortable.

I leaned up, looking down at him, when he finally opened his eyes and looked at me I could see the questions they all but shouted at me. ?Was this real? Why was I here? Why had I done what I?d done?? It was all there, every last bit of my betrayal, of the hurt I?d caused.

So I kissed him, "I'm sorry." My voice was soft as I brushed my lips against his again. "I'm sorry." I moved my lips along his skin to his cheek. "I'm sorry." I kept my lips moving, leaving feather soft brushes against his cheekbone. "I'm sorry." The last kiss and last declaration of my wrong doing was quietly placed in front of his ear.. I closed my eyes, my cheek resting against his, my lips still near his ear.

"Kate." His voice was rough with illness and emotion, flaked over with rust from disuse. He hadn't spoken to another soul since he'd laughed that harsh bark of laughter (which, unbeknownst to him, had had the presaging of his current sickness in its crackle of sound.) When I laid my cheek against his, he wound his arms tightly around me, and tried not to breathe too heavily into my ear.

Hearing his voice, hearing the hurt there, spurred me on, I kept talking, "I'm sorry Derever. I know I hurt you. I was selfish and childish, and wrong.? My lips were pressed against his neck, where his shoulder met it, my words were muffled by his skin.

?Stop? he whispered, ?Stop.?

So I did, lifting my head to look at him, waiting for the verdict. He was well within his rights to tell me to leave, to kick me out and never see me again. I was afraid, terrified that I couldn?t fix this, that I?d pushed too hard, broken too much, not trusted enough.

He combed my hair back from my face, held it there with his fingers laced through it and his palms framing it. "I do not want to absolve you so that, shriven, we can begin this all again in a week's time." It wasn't much more than a croak, with his accent laid heavily over every word. "Do not apologize. I will not accept it. I love you too much.?

It didn?t make much sense, he wouldn?t accept my apology because he loved me too much? But at the same time he admitted he still loved me so there was hope there. I grabbed that and held onto it with all I was worth and pushed forward, "Derever, I love you, so much that it scares me. You scare me, marrying you scares me, I had to know where the line was. I pushed and bullied you when I owe you so much more." I watched him, my hands moving to his shoulders, my fingers lightly stroking the skin there.

: "You're not sorry you did it. Not in your heart of hearts that you keep hidden from the world." He turned his head, snuffled, unlaced his fingers from my hair only long enough to rub at his eyes. "You're sorry that I walked away." There wasn?t any anger in his voice, it was just a statement of fact.

?You?re right.? I didn?t deny it, he was right, I wasn?t really sorry I?d done it, I was sorry he?d left.

"It was to be a business arrangement. Then it turned into this--this contest of wills between us. Which of us was stronger. Which could break the other first." He wasn't apologizing either, and framed that way,I hadn't been alone in pushing, had I? It almost sounded like he was accepting some of the responsibility for it.

"I......You're right." I didn't even try. "I had to defend myself and find out where you stood and what you really wanted.? There was too much to explain there, ages of hurts and expectations, patterns of behavior that seemed to keep going in a huge circle. I was a slave to my own past, struggling against it yet continuing the same behavior that caused some of it. How many people had I pushed away because they might, someday leave? How often had I hurt those who?d stuck it out by not trusting them? How many secrets did I keep and when would they finally destroy me?

"I love you. Kate...you were right." Now he was struggling to sit up, I shifted in his lap, helping him up, then settling there in his lap.

?Right about what?? I had made a decision to let him in, to stop avoiding and trust someone. Now as as good a time as any to start that, his statement had me wondering what he was talking about though.

The blanket was now thoroughly knotted up around his legs, under me. A fast getaway was definitely out of the question. He twisted in place, batted at the lamp on the table beside the sofa a few times before catching the chain and turning it on. At once everything in the room was gilded with warm yellow light. Turning back to me, squinting a little, he said, "It isn't my name. Not all of my name."

My blink was slow, measured, ?I?m sorry??

"My name. My surname. I have my grandfather's name, as well." His expression held tinges of the same bleakness it had had when he refused my apology.

I could see what was coming next, could feel it in my bones, there were very few reasons to not tell someone your full name.

"He gave me the assignment, to come to Rhydin and kill you, as a test. To see whether I was worthy of Embrace." His fingers twisted in the blanket before he lifted them and scrubbed them over his face, ran them through the ruin of his hair.

There?s a feeling a person can get, it?s the feeling of seeing your dreams, all the things you?d finally started thinking about and hoping for, crumbling in front of you, it?s like watching an explosion, then being suffocated by a wave, all you can do is let it roll you and wait for it to spit you out. "your grandfather." My response was slow, I wanted to make sure I got it right. "your grandfather sent you to kill me?"

"My several-times-great-grandfather." His mouth twisted. Then he smoothed his face over with an effort, and said, "Lord Iannos."

My head jerked up at the name, even though I knew it was coming it was still a shock to hear it, "That's why you wanted to be embraced? Because of him? to prove to him?" The wheels were starting to turn, spin even as I sat there with my mouth hanging open. "You were playing me. The whole time."

"Everything I told you about how I was treated while I lived with them was true." He dropped his hands back down into his lap, in the space between us "Everything I told you about my childhood was true. My mother was his descendant. I drank his blood and came to kill you because Livinia curried his favor, and I wanted his Embrace. And then I died, and in haunting you, I fell in love.?

"Why wouldn't you just tell me? You let me feel bad, made me feel paranoid for even doubting you." I shook my head. "You made me fall in love with you.?

"Because I know you, Kate. As soon as I told you that, as soon as I told you what I wanted to do, you'd have been done with me. I couldn't stand to let you go." His face twisted again. "And I didn't make you do anything. You chose me."

"I chose a lie. When were you going to tell me? After I married you? After your great great grandfather decided to try and kill me again?? Even within the anger I had to admire him, he was sitting here, all human and sick, telling me things I could kill him over.

"I no longer serve him. I wanted your Embrace not just so that I could be with you, but so that I could go back and kill them all for the things they did to me, and to the township."

?Why now? Why admit it all now?? I was struggling, holding on to this thin thread of hope that he wasn?t really playing me, that he did love me. I lifted a hand and lightly touched his cheek, as if that would tell me if he was lying or not.

"No more deceit," he told me, and closed his eyes briefly at my gentle touch. "No more tests. No more marriage. We have to begin again.?

The decision was made so I jumped in with him, "I had Bear put all my money in a family trust so you couldn't touch it.? My own admission matched his.

"I would have gone to hire an army with your money, and had nothing to pay them with? his voice was soft, full of the irony of the situation.

I couldn?t help it, I smiled at him, "We tried to outmaneuver each other and ended up doing it to ourselves.?

"My name," he said on something like a sigh, "is Derever Nikolaides-Haladjian." His arm was creeping around my waist again. "It is good to meet you."

?My name? Is Kathwren Ann Alyxandrya.? I smiled at him, as I leaned down to kiss him again, feeling the heat rolling off of him. ?You?re sick.?

"I am," he agreed, and leaned his forehead against my cheek after that kiss. "I am also ill."