Warning: Contains graphic stick figure mistreatment.

Miss Quinn's Guide For The Recently Damned
By Cuyler E. Quinn
Translated from the original backwater southern by Miss Audrey J. Horne

Introduction

It's bound to happen at least once. You're feeding and it hits you. Guilt. We are not, as monsters of the night, very well equipped to deal with guilt and if this pesky feeling isn't kept in check then we turn it outward. Fires, Hammer Films, and unwanted fledglings can result.

Now I know what you're saying. "Miss Quinn, I never asked for this life! You've made me into a monster! I shall never see the sun again! How dare you act as if I'm some hideous growth and not a human being!?"

And you sir and/or madame would not be wrong about most of these assumptions, save one. You are not a human being anymore than I am a nine headed cactus demon. Chances are that, especially for younger sires, you will be treated as a mistake. Chances are even greater that you are just a slip up.

The Institute for Vampiric Technology* states that 95% of all vampire turnings are unwanted, be it immediately or years and years down the road.

Don't feel bad! There is hope, and within these pages lie your salvation. Keep in mind that the author of this very book started out as an unwanted fledgling.

So put on your thinking caps, Children of The Night and turn on your ears and eyes. You're about to get some schooling.


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*AKA The Insitute of pulling facts out of my a*ss

Chapter 2

"Feeding And The Art Of Not Crapping Where One Eats"


Feeding is one of the things that mother nature still allows us to enjoy. You can't fight it. It tugs at you and claws and scratches at your insides, howls for sweet, primitive release until...

Where was I? Oh yes. Feeding. We need to do it, but there are certain bits of etiquette that apply.

1. Choose your victims carefully.

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Vendettas are awesome pastimes, but don't get too carried away. Enemies make wonderful meals, but if you kill said enemy's entire family then sooner or later someone will catch on to your paper trail. Especially if said paper trail doesn't contain paper at all and substitutes bodies instead.

There is also something to be said about not being known as the guy and/or gal who ripped out someone's throat over something as trivial as some kissing your guy/girl/toaster oven.

Also, if you don't think that you can overpower a potential victim, then don't try! This is Rhy'din so there is every chance that either the human you were going for isn't human at all or that they are more blood thirsty than you could ever hope to be.

And it isn't as if you have to actually kill anyone. A nip and a lick and no one is the wiser. But you're young and stupid and probably think you're in control of things.

You poor, dumb bastard.

That's why when in doubt just snub the homeless and drifters out. Did you see what I did there? I rhymed.

2. Dispose of your scraps properly.

I don't care how badass or c*cky you get, you always dispose of bodies.* Not only will it keep your butt from being set on fire, but it's also the polite thing to do. Now I know, I know, you're in a hurry, but that is no excuse! Dumpsters will work in a pinch, as will water burial and shallow graves.

NOTE: Shallow graves are LAST ditch efforts (see what I did there?) These should only ever be used if nothing else is available. On that note, quick lime and acid are available at your local hardware stores.

Burning is best. Not only does it obliterate your scent and keep it from being picked up by any prying supernaturals out there, but it also covers your tracks.

If you go berserk then use the buddy system. Tell a fellow blood sucker and more than likely they will be glad to help.**

**This doesn't always work. They may be looking for a reason to toss your rear under the bus, so use extreme caution!

*We will discuss those of you with, *ahem* more "exhibitionist" tastes later on in the book

3. Animals? Yay or Nay?

In a pinch, animal blood will do. I can't speak for every vampire out there, as we are as varied as the colors in a beautiful rainbow, but personally too much animal blood makes me sick.

It lacks the nutrients that human blood supplements for us. And it tastes like warmed over a*ss.

Chapter 4

"Types of Vampires"

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As stated before, vampires are as varied as the beautiful colors of a rainbow. We're all different and thanks to the Nexus, those differences are even more painfully obvious. Vampires from every fiction throughout history inhabit Rhy'din. Except for those glittery bastards. Screw them. If you see one, then it's perfect etiquette to kick it until it pees.

I could ramble on all day about the differences between Buffy vampires and Rice vampires, but I don't rightly want to. This is really up to your discretion. You may get an answer if you ask, or you may get a kick to the back of the skull.

What? Do you want me to hold your hand and make you a pretty, pretty list? I'm three beers into a Scrubs marathon. What? Shut up Sweatermeat. I don't care if you're transcribing everything I say. Who made you the boss of me, huh?

Come over here and say that! Yeah? I thought so.

Chapter 6

"So You're An Asshat"

I'd suggest that you do this only when you're older and not still bleedin' green as it were. You might have someone you look up to out there. A vampire Yoda if you will. Yeah, they're cool and leave the bodies of their victims just laying out in the open.

Hell, they may even have a signature for each kill, and a lot the time, not going to lie, it's hilarious.

It would be wise that you didn't do this. Not only does it attract attention, but it attracts the attention of *other* vampires. They may not appreciate your artistry like some of us. In fact, they may think you're a douche bag.

If you can pull it off then by all means. I mean if you have to get attention by leaving your scraps for other people to find then I got a pretty good inkling that doing this is the least of your problems.

Hell, I been shaking down the universe for 112 years and I don't even do this. It's risky, but to each his own.

If it's driven by boredom then I would suggest knitting. It's a very good substitute.

Carrying on!