The feeling of nervousness would never go away for the dancer. Not after years of dancing in front of hundreds of people or just a handful. It wouldn't matter if she danced for her family or for kings and queens. Being nervous was an aspect of her life that she had learned to accept and therefore, attempt to control. She didn't make silly mistakes during performances anymore, and her fingers wouldn't visibly shake when her arms were delicately on display. Even now when she felt the flutter in her middle, she could see that her fingertips barely moved as she twirled the pen in between her fingers.

Are you seriously considering committing suicide?
No

Are you in the midst of a serious emotional crisis?
No

Have you or anyone in your immediate family been diagnosed with a mental disorder?
No

The questions went on for what seemed like days, listing extremities that made Katarina reconsider why she was here. No, no emotional, mental, even criminal history.

Have you ever had an eating disorder?

The short, abrupt question brought a muscle spasm in her right hand, and she tightened her jaw. If she couldn't be honest with a piece a paper, she maybe had more difficult problems than she previous imagined.

Yes

The questions continued on a wide spectrum of questions, including her family on Hope and Rhy'Din. Explain your household. What does your average day look like? Be specific. Why are you here? What do you hope to gain? Highest level of education? Occupation? Finally, after returning the paperwork and waiting with nerves in her chair, a woman with brown-rimmed glasses and a pleasant smile appeared and looked to her, ?Miss Smith??

Katarina gave a small smile in return and stood to follow the woman into her office. Colors of ivory and shades of lavender decorated the walls and furniture. If she wasn't so nervous, she might have sighed in contentment for the immediate comfortable atmosphere.

?I am Dr. Fabre, but you may call me by Susan if you would prefer.? She offered out her hand and gave Katarina's a gentle shake, ?And if I read your file correctly, you prefer to go by Katarina??

?Hmm, yeah.? It wasn't often that Katarina met the height of a woman that wasn't into dancing or athletics. But Susan was near the same height and if Katie guessed, age as well. Susan didn't gesture where to sit, and so Katarina moved to the corner of the loveseat and was tempted to hold a pillow in her lap but withheld. Susan adjusted a simple but comfortable-looking chair to sit just off center in front of her.

?Now, before we get started, I would like to ask if you have read through our confidentiality statement?? It was assumed that Katarina had since she had signed the document, but many signed without thought. When the dancer nodded, Susan continued, ?I would like for you to know that everything that is said and mentioned here in this room will be held just between you and me. There are only a few things that can break that confidentiality. Those things are any suspicions that you are going to harm yourself, harm someone else, in which case I will have to alert said person, and if you mention any type of abuse. Is that okay with you??

?Yeah, shiny.? Katarina didn't know what to do with her hands, so she folded them in front of her. She still felt nervous, and now unsure of what was to be expected of her. Fortunately, Susan leaned forward slightly and continued on.

?Now, I have looked over your paperwork and reason for referral,? she picked up a small stack of familiar-looking paperwork from the nearby end table and placed it in her lap, ?but I would like to ask you some of the questions again, if you don't mind. I may ask for further details on your answers. I am doing this because I would like to get to know you, and I want you to know about me and my approach. So, what brings you here??

Katarina shifted a bit, but appreciated the honesty from Susan. ?I'm here 'cause Dr. Barta recommended me fer a referral fer a' unidentified eatin' disorder, and 'cause my fiance thinks tha' it migh' help me put th' weigh' back on.?

The questions continued. Describe what you mean by unidentified eating disorder? Do you believe this is accurate? Tell me about your relationship. How long have you been engaged? Is there a date yet? Susan didn't ask the questions rapid fire, but instead waited, pressing just enough to discover deeper feelings and events but backing off and changing the subject before Katarina appeared to be uncomfortable. I see that your family is quite a distance away, are you close? How is your relationship with your aunt and cousins? Do you enjoy your job??

With each change of direction, slowly Katarina relaxed a little. She didn't mind talking about herself. It was talking about others ? particularly Locke ? that she struggled. For so long she had to keep secrets and danced around the issue that her body automatically tensed when Locke's lack of social life or fiancials came into view. Luckily, it seemed that Susan avoided those subjects all together.

?So, coming back to the reason that you are here.? Susan crossed her legs, much in the same fashion that Katarina was sitting, ?You are here because you would like to break the cycle of not eating, and find a way to maintain a healthy weight. Is that correct??

?Yeah, tha' sounds 'bout righ'.? Katarina glanced at the clock on the wall, and was surprised to see that her 50 minutes were almost up. Her body nearly relaxed all the way.

?Okay. In order to develop a solution, I will be asking questions that may seem unrelated. My goal is to understand the bigger picture first, and from there, narrow down any hints as to the cause of your lack of appetite. After that, then we will work on solutions to the problem. I must ask though, if you feel that you are so weak that you will not be able to eat a reasonable amount of food without medical assistance. I can provide that for you.?

?Lemme try fer one week before makin' tha' kinda decision. I hav' been better, an' wit' Locke knowin' now, I thin' tha' he'll be keepin' a close watch 'n me, yeah??

With ending formalities finished, Katarina mused on this new experience during the long walk home. Talking about her ?bigger picture? would include many heartaches, and some of those may be things she didn't want to admit to herself. Hopefully she would have to proper tools to have emotional control when the time came.

?How have your eating habits been lately?? Dr. Fabre settled into her chair and folded her hands into her lap.

?Good, I guess.? Katarina glanced down at her hands and figited with her fingernails, ?I've gained a coupl'a pounds back since th' wors' o' it. Nah back ta wha' I was before, bu' getting' there.?

?That's very good, Katarina. What do you think has been different, lately? Why do you think you are doing better??

?I think... acknowledgment has been good, yeah? An' tha' has led ta Locke knownin', and even though I wan' ta do it fer me, I dun like 'im worryin' 'bout it eitha. It's a strong motivation.? Her lips curled up in a corner. ?An' he'll make my lunch fer work sometimes, or drop hints o' some places I should just try durin' my lunch breaks. He's real sweet 'bout it.?

?It sounds like his interest in your well-being matters a lot to you.?

?Well, o' course it does. I love him ta bits, an' would do th' very same thin'. I neva hav' doubts tha' he loves me, yanno? Yeah, there's tha' trust thing he's go', bu' I know I'm nah th' cause o' it. Dun make it any more nice, bu' 'm hopeful tha' time will heal, yeah?? She stopped playing with her fingers and looked up at the woman in front of her, ?An'... I dunno, maybe it makes me feel like he's jist as invested 'n our future as I am. Since we dun talk 'bout.. well, th' marriage thin', his concern an' support shows me tha' he's stickin' 'round.?

?You had previously mentioned your unexpected proposal. Can you tell me more about what was said??

?Sure, though it's been a coupl'a years back now. I asked 'im ta marry me, an' told 'im somethin' 'long th' lines o' not carin' how or when.? She looked back down at her hands again.

?I see. Do you still feel that way??

Katarina was silent for several long moments, ?Yes.. an' no. Look, I'm nah really religious er anythin', an' I know people tha' stay togetha an' love each other tha' dun get married. Bu'.. I thin' it's hard now 'cause we did make th' pledge, an' started makin' plans before thin's were shot ta hell, righ'? We talked 'bout elopin' firs', an' then some friends convinced Locke ta hav' a ceremony. I dun care, really. An' now.. we stopped talkin' 'bout it. An' I'm so tired o' makin' all th' firs' steps.? When there was no reponse from Susan, Katarina continued, ?Mos' o' our relationship has been wit' ?me 'n th' driver's seat,?as Locke would say. I tol' 'im I had feelin's firs's. I tol' 'im I loved 'im first, I approached th' idea o' livin' togetha, I proposed, I pushed th' mods... Th' only thin' I didn' push was breachin' th' usage o' the mods, yanno? I didn' wan'ta press 'im or push 'im th' wrong way.?

?Mmm hmm.? Susan nodded her head and made sounds of understanding, ?You said you feel tired of.. what sounds like, you leading the relationship??

?Maybe tired's nah th' word. An' it's nah disappointmen'. I dunno, I guess if he breached th' idea, er said somethin', I'd feel like he wants it as bad as me.?

?Have you told him how you felt??

?Umm.. nah really, an' nah 'n so many words.? Her cheeks turned pink, ?How do ya approach someone 'bout tha' kinda thin'? 'I know I said I love ya, an' tha' I didn' min' bein' 'n charge o' this thin', bu' will ya pick up some slack and show me ya wan'ta move forward too? Thanks'.? She sighed deeply, ?Like I said, it's nah the marriage thin' tha's bothers me ? it's tha' I though' we were 'n th' same page an' movin' forward an' then... I dunno, I feel like since I haven' said anythin', and if I neva brin' he up, 'n neither will he.?

?And what if he doesn't? Will you say something??

Katarina laughed, ?I dunno. I'm thirty, nah married, no kids, and obsessed wit' my career. I'm 'lready an unusual Smith, an' I hav' no problem stayin' tha' way.?

Susan smiled, ?I know these are difficult feelings to talk about. Thank you for sharing them with me.?

Surprised, Katarina self-searched those said feelings. She didn't feel so upset about them, and held no reserves about sharing them. It didn't seem like something Dr. Fabre should be thanking her for, but nonetheless she returned the smile in kind, ?Yer welcome.?

?So Katarina, does being married feel different, or meet your expectations? The last time we had spoken, we talked quite a bit about it.?

?Yeah, I'd say it meets my expectations an' all tha'.? The dancer looked down at the pillow that was stuck between her and the side of the couch. Her fingers started to twist the fray of loose threads there. ?I dun hav' any regrets 'bout how it was done, eitha. It was a special slice 'n time jist fer us... an' it was perfec' jist th' way it was, shiny?? She paused, and when the silence grew, the pressure had her speaking more, ?I thin' it's been good fer both o' us. Kinda lik'... the weigh's off o' our shoulders, an' life kin really star'ta move on,? she inhaled deep and let out a slow, long breath, ?finally.?

Susan folded her hands in her lap and leaned forward a little, ?Do you feel the need to move on??

?I thin'.. I thin' we all experience thin's tha' shape an' define us, righ'? Good thin's, bad thin's.. dun matta. They alter th' paths tha' we otherwise migh' hav' taken. So yeah, I thin' getting' married is on' o' those kinda thin's.?

?Certainly. You mentioned that these 'experiences' change the path that we were on. When you look back on your life, what other experiences have led you on a different path??

Katarina chuckled a bit and took another deep breath, ?Lor' an' Skies, wha' a hard question.? Her fingers let the threads of string slip through, ?Like nah eatin' so much tha' yer needin' help??

?Sure, that is one. What else??

Katarina was silent for a long time as she thought on the defining moments of her life. It was a matter of brushing away the gentle memories to find the solid event that formed all of the others, ?Havin' my bes' friend leav' as a teenager.? She missed Johnny even now, and so she tried to continue through what came to mind, ?Makin' principal dancer fer Hope. I kin't say if tha' led me ta nah eatin' by choice, bu' I know tha' my choice 'n profession has added so much ta tha' kinda pressure.? She thought more, her fingers now moving up to the various trinkets around her neck. ?Fallin' 'n love wit' Cal, an' plannin' this life together, an' watchin' 'im die.? The pain was swift and acute, but left just as quickly. Still, she was silent for a long while, ?I'd say tha' was th' bigges' one.?

Susan watched Katarina, waiting to see if deeper emotions or thoughts would surface. When they didn't, she gently queried, ?And after??

?Nothin', fer a long while. Stayed wit' my folks fer long while an' danced. I danced until I couldn' feel th' ache anymore, an' then danced more. My troupe was wonderful. Some knew, some didn', bu' we were a close group, righ'?? She laughed a little, ?I had this partner, an' we were real close-like. We played fer th' same team, if ya know wha' I mean, so he was perfec' company fer me. He didn' wan' his parents ta know, so he'd introduce me ta his folks all cryptic-like an' let 'em try ta figure it ou' fer themselves. I thin' it was jist th' kinda relationship I needed.?

?It sounds like you adjusted as well.? Dr. Fabre settled back from her lean and eased into her chair.

?Sure. I traveled more, made a name fer myself. An' I kept a lot o' people a' arms length. Friend ta many, known by few er whateva tha' sayin' is. So, when my cousin's family jumped ship ta follow 'im off ta some God-forsaken place tha' was everythin' Hope wasn', it didn' take me long ta follow.? A corner of her lips pulled up, ?Ready ta 'move 'on' an' all tha'. It woulda been a lot harder fer me ta leave if I didn' 'lready hav' family ou' here. Bu' followed 'em I did, an'.. I dunno, I guess I need to branch ou' an' 'way 'n my own. Dunno why, 'cause I was quick ta learn tha' I didn' enjoy being by myself much. Meet lot'sa nice folk.? Her smile grew soft with memory, ?Started a troupe an' made a name fer myself. I inherited a wonderful new cousin-in-law tha' I could talk ta 'bout everythin'.? She willed her hands to still, "An' 'n.. there's Locke. Kinda has been th' real las' big shift, an' it's gone 'n all kinds'a ways." A small chuckle, "Goin' straigh' fer a li'l bi' would be movin' 'n jist fine fer me."