Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick.

I stare at the clock on my nightstand. With each second that goes by, I wait and hope that the feelings will subside. To feel everything and to feel nothing is a uniquely disturbing experience. Pain muffled by sorrow, anger enhanced by loneliness, emptiness fueled by the sudden onset of my dark depression; I?m drowning in these feelings and can?t seem to get free.

Every bone in my body seems to ache, especially my hips. I have lain in bed for three days now, hardly moving. I suppose that?s why my bones ache so much. My stomach keeps growling and my lips are cracked, but despite that, I smile. It?s a relief to feel; to feel pain; to feel anything.

I?ve tried to get up, to shower, to dress, to do all the things that I always took for granted, but these days it seems like such a chore. It seems to take longer to convince myself to get out of bed than it would to accomplish the tasks in the first place. It?s not that I?m trying to feel sorry for myself. Hell, I don?t know what to feel sorry about.

I can hear the children playing in the apartment below mine. It doesn?t make me smile. It makes me jealous.

I miss my dad.

I roll over, refusing to look at the clock on the nightstand any longer. This sixth hour is dragging on for far too long. I close my eyes and wait for the darkness to assault me. It?s always worse when my eyes are closed. First comes the overwhelming feelings of anxiety. It shoots through my skin, tingling, raising every hair on my body. Then comes the burning in my chest, the feeling that I?m going to burst out of my skin and ignite into flames at any moment, and then comes the crippling realization that it will never be that easy to get away from myself.

A sob clenches in my throat, causing me to choke as I fight it back. The feeling of suffocation weighs down on me as I take a deep breath and fight for air. There are no tears falling down my face today. It?s been almost twenty-four hours since I was able to actually cry. I?m all dried up. My body tenses with every wracking, tearless sob that tries to force its way out of me. My chest tightens, pulling for air, and I can feel my throat stretching in anticipation of it. Nothing comes. Unbreathing, I shake with tearless, silent crying.

I had been having dreams about my dad again. I should have never left him in the first place, going out on adventures to see the world. If I hadn?t left, maybe I would have gotten him to go to the doctor sooner. Maybe the cancer wouldn?t have spread so quickly. My good-for-nothing socialite of a stepmother didn?t take care of him, not like I would have. I hate her in every way that it is possible for someone to resent another human being. I loathe her.

I can still hear my dad telling me not to cry, that there was nothing that I could do, nothing that anyone could do.

?It?s my time, Caitlin. Don?t blame yourself. I want you to be happy. Be brilliant. Achieve your dreams.?

He said the same words to me time and time again, all throughout his final days. I didn?t listen to them, not then. I was angry at him. I begged him not to go; not to leave me. Why was he giving up? Why did he stop fighting? Why would he make peace with the illness that was taking him away from me?

He was the only thing in my world that mattered, and he was gone. Sometimes the image of him haunts my dreams. I can see the image of my dying father, an empty shell of the man he used to be, lying pitifully in his bed. Gone was the round faced man with dark, wiry hair. In his place was a decrepit old skeleton. Whisps of white, ghostly hair haloed his sallow, sunken features.

I remember the day I saw the light in my dad?s eyes go out. He told me he loved me. He told me that he knew it was his time. He died in his sleep that night. Slipped away, they said.

I came to Rhydin to hide, to get away, to find myself, find a purpose, find something else besides the pain. I?m starting to think it doesn?t exist. There is only the loneliness.

I saw Aaric about two weeks ago now. There could be promise there, if I were someone else. There is so much to him, and I could be happy with him, I know. But I?m too afraid to feel. I haven?t heard a word from him and now I fear that I missed my chance to know happiness again. It?s ironic. I?m lying here, alone in this bed, in the apartment that he and I were supposed to share. Maybe this is where I?m supposed to be.

I wish it wasn?t. I don?t want to be here. Not like this. I want to go see him, but I can?t talk myself into getting up. What if he?s decided against seeing me? What if he?s decided against working things out? I couldn?t handle that. That rejection. That final nail...

There is a mirror across the room, and in it there is a girl lying in bed. The light in the room is the dark, dull gray of pre-dawn. She looks like me, but she can?t be me. I?ve never had such dark circles under my eyes. I?ve never had such thin, sickly frame. My hair has never been in such a matted and tattered disarray. I stare at the girl and wonder how she came to be.

The skeletal image of my father floats in front of my vision, and for a moment I feel that I am staring at him and at my own reflection. With a scream, I pick up the damned alarm clock and hurl it across the room. The shattered image of the girl in her bed smiles back at me as the shards of the mirror tink-tink-tink onto the floor.

They sound like teardrops, and I wish I could make them fall.

I scream, kick, and thrash against the blankets, hurling them onto the floor to cover the glittering shards of the mirror. This is not me! I could not stay like this! I felt so desperately like crying out for help, but there seemed to be no one to turn to. There was only one person I had left in the world, and I didn?t even know if he would ever speak to me again.

I rise up from the bed and walk across the blankets, feeling the dull pain of the glass shards trying to cut at me from beneath the thick material. My legs feel like jello, and grabbing the windowsill to steady myself proves to me just how much strength I?ve lost.

I can see the area where Aaric lives from here. It?s further uptown and much nicer than here. It looks like home. Aaric?s built himself a home, and I would give anything to be a part of it.

I?m not sure how I do it, but somehow I end up running from my apartment and into the street. Heedless of my appearance, I run breathlessly through the streets until I arrive at his doorstep. I don?t remember the route I took or how long I ran. It felt as if I simply collapsed in front of his door with a heavy thud.

I was a complete mess. My feet were dirty. My mouth tasted awful. Even my long silk nightgown was sad and dirty. With my side against his door, I pull my knees up against my chest and rock against it, the tears I?d so desperately wanted finally streaming down my face. The hot sting of them feels incredible; cleansing.

Someone?s mumbling, and I realize it?s probably me. ?I need you. I need you.? I repeat it over and over again over the chattering of my teeth. I need him so badly, and in ways I?d never realized. The thing I had fought for so long is the thing I?d needed so much. He made me feel happy. He made me feel safe. He made me feel things that I had cut out of myself over a year ago.

And as I sit here, I finally realize it all. While my body thuds quietly against his door over and over again, tears stream down my face, and while I look more vulnerable and disgusting than I ever have in my entire life, all I want to do is tell him what I?ve finally realized, and what I?ve never been able to tell any other man. I need him. I need him, and I desperately need him to love me the way that I, I now knew, loved him too.


(Authors Note: Special thanks to Dolus Gairu for his help in editing this post. You're amazing. Thank you.)

He waited for an answer but there was none. She didn't look up and, choosing not to force the issue, he simply sat and waited. Her sobs became quieter but no less frequent. She burrowed down into the soft depths of the couch as if trying to make herself as small as possible, trying to make herself less noticeable. He was unsure what to do, he had never seen her like this before. Cait had always been so strong and self assured, her quiet and passive demeanor belied her silent strength and conviction. When she had her mind made up about something, there was no changing it. That's why he hadn't fought harder when she left him. She had made her decision and that was that.

Shaking these thoughts from his head, he leaned down closer to discover that her sobs had now turned into soft snores. She was asleep. It was a fitful sleep but he had no plans to wake her. It was apparent from the look of her that sleep was something she desperately needed. Pulling the blanket up around her, he kissed her softly on the top of her head. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, or him. Blowing out the oil lamp on the small table, he stood and walked down the short hall. Quickly splashing water on his face, he pulled on his trousers and a light cotton shirt. There were some trees near the creek that had fallen during the last storm and he needed to clear them. Best to start the work before it got too warm. Walking outside, he filled a small pitcher with clear cold water from the well. This he left on the small table near the couch in case she should wake while he was gone.

He turned to look at her one last time before pulling the door shut behind him. Taking a saw and axe from the front porch, he started for the creek. This day could prove to be very interesting.

The morning had broken clear and warm and he had managed to clear most of the fallen trees. It was mindless work, chopping and stacking, chopping and stacking, but it gave him time to think.

Right now Cait was sleeping on his couch, at least he hoped she was sleeping. She had been visibly upset when he found her at his door and, although he was no doctor, he was sure she could use the rest. He still wasn't sure why she had come to him, so early in the morning and so obviously upset. Hopefully, he would get the answers after she was rested and in a better state of mind. He had to admit to himself that he was more than a little concerned. As a matter of fact, it wouldn't hurt to check on her now. Just a quick peek and then he would finish up the morning's work.

He started back towards the house, allowing himself further thoughts of Cait. As he walked, he looked around the property. It was a beautiful place. Lush green meadows, wildflowers, mature trees, the stream and the small lake. It was more than he had hoped for and probably more than he deserved. Even with all of it, he too often found himself lonely. There was plenty of room and plenty to share. Would it be too much to wish for that Cait would be happy here with him, he asked himself. He had no time to ponder the answer. Her screams jarred him back to reality.

He had almost made it to the house when he heard them and it took him only a few seconds to make it to the door. Not bothering with the knob, he shoved the door open, nearly knocking if off the hinges. Cait?? He looked quickly about as his eyes adjusted to the still slightly darkened room. As the door banged shut behind him, his eyes found her. She was sitting there on the couch, drinking from the pitcher of water. Strangely, he found it hard to fight back a smile. She looked so small and helpless, so defenseless. Right at this moment he simply wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her that it would be all right, whatever it was, it would be okay. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and he would protect her, she would always be safe with him. He didn't say any of those things. He had tried before, and failed. Instead he simply went to the couch and sat calmly down beside her, a calm smile on his face. In a low voice he asked Cait, what's wrong?

I leaned back against the door, my head down, as she spoke. I felt my heart quicken at her words. I seemed to be short of breath, or maybe I was finding it difficult to breathe, I wasn't sure. My mind seemed to be trying to caution me, but my heart was having none of it. I ran my hand over my chin and cheeks as she finished, feeling the roughness that comes with not shaving for a few days.

"Well? What do you think?"

I allowed my chin to rest against my knuckles, keeping my head down. The few moments of silence that lingered there felt like days or years. In that silence I found little comfort. What I did find, what I felt, was a well of emotion boiling up from inside. Feelings that I'd shoved deep down inside and covered with time were clawing their way free. Words were forming, struggling for coherence in a swirl of emotion. I spoke without looking at her, a whisper that gained strength in the silence.

"Cait, I don't need to get to know you. I've known you my whole life. I've loved you since the first moment I saw you. Everything I've done, everything I've felt, everything I've built since that day has been about you."

I took a deep breath, more to slow myself down than for any other reason. Finally raising my head, I looked at her there in the tub. Even now she looked radiant and beautiful. Maybe I was seeing more with my heart than my eyes, but she looked perfect. The words seemed to come easier now.

"There is nothing to forgive Cait. It's never been a matter of trust. What happened between us happened and it's led us back to this point. I want you back in my life Cait. I want to make this work, I want us to work."

Walking past her to the counter, I took a large and fluffy towel down from an upper shelf. I found myself strangely calm now, a little empty. What I had needed to say had been said. I walked back over to her, leaning down to give her a soft kiss on top of her head. I kept my voice low.

"You'll always be welcome here Cait, I hope you'll stay. When you're ready to talk about your father, I'll be here to listen."

Laying the towel on the top of her head, I walked from the bathroom without looking back. I headed to the kitchen, hoping there was something in the house for her to eat.

As I suspected, there wasn't much in the way of food in the house. I had fallen into the habit of taking most of my meals in town. There were some leftovers in the refrigerator but it was a little hard to tell what they were, or had once been. I wasn't sure how I was going to work my way out of this one. I double checked the cabinets and closets just to confirm there was nothing edible to be had, at least nothing that I could present to Cait. There was nothing.

"Don't go through any trouble for me," I jumped at the sound of her voice as I turned. Normally I would have come up with a witty reply. Whatever I had been about to say, never made it out. I simply froze as I looked at her standing there wrapped in a towel. Her skin glistened with droplets of water and her still damp hair lay heavy against her shoulders. The light of the late afternoon sun framed her from behind, giving her a look that I could only think of as angelic. To put it simply, I was speechless. Speechless, and more than a little embarrassed.

I could feel my head nod, bobble might be a better description, as I stammered and managed to tear my eyes from her. "It's no bother at all Cait, really, no bother." I turned away to try to find anything that might give me a moment to recover, to at least give the semblance of composure. Her questions allowed me the time I needed.

"Sure. We can run over to your place and get whatever you need to stay as long as you want" I managed. I could feel my breathing starting to even and my pulse returning to normal. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered how she always managed to have this affect on me.

"I'm sure I have something that you can wear for the trip." I said as I considered what I might have available. "I was thinking after we do that, we might as well grab something to eat." I was thinking on the fly now. "I know a quiet little bistro in the Marketplace and it looks like it's going to be a beautiful night to sit on the patio". I was on a roll now. I had to admit that not only was it a good excuse to avoid admitting I had no food, the idea was actually appealing. Then she walked up to me and I stopped talking. She smelled wonderful, fresh, intoxicating. As she kissed my cheek and wrapped her arm around my neck, I was wondering when I was going to wake up. If I was dreaming, I wanted to sleep forever.

I slipped a finger under her chin and softly raised her eyes to mine. " ...I'll always be here for you Cait. Always." I spoke as I leaned down and softly kissed her lips. I knew that if I held her any longer, I might not let her go until morning. I kissed her on the forehead and stepped away. "Let's go see if I have anything you can wear." I found myself laughing as I took her hand and led her down the hallway.

No one has ever looked at me the way Aaric did in the kitchen; my heart sped up and slowed down all at the same time. It felt amazing to embrace him and even more incredible to be acting so normal, so casual, like we had never been apart and like the last year didn?t exist, like things were always as perfect as they were in that moment.

I was happy to hold his hand as he led me through the house, getting a partial tour, it was beautiful. Once in his bedroom my mind slipped away, I could not stop thinking about how perfect everything was. Sure, my reasons for coming to Aaric were painful, but they brought me here and for that I was thankful.

It is hard to experience both love and tragedy simultaneously, one moment I?m here and the next I?m back in that pain filled prison, thankfully Aaric was there to drag me back out this time.

"Cait..Cait, where are you?" He whispered softly to me.

It took a few moments for me to realize he was here, we really were together, for a few moments it had seemed like I was dreaming this, like my nightmare was reality, but there he was standing in front of me, ready to catch me when I fall, hypothetically speaking of course. He was so beautiful, so innocent, and so caring. A weak smile broke across my lips as I leaned into him again just needing to feel him. Wrapping my arm around him, I held him for just a moment.

?You?re real. You?re here. We?re together.? Briefly my hand tangled in his hair, pulling him closer and after pressing another kiss to his cheek, I pulled away.

?Sorry about that, it just happens sometimes? sometimes when I remember.? I didn?t go into further detail but instead looked at the clothing he had chosen and then smirked.

?I?ll need to borrow and undershirt, it?ll be a bit see through, you know?? Waving a hand over my chest, I tried to indicate what I didn?t want to show off to the world.

Helping myself, I went to his dresser and pulled out a white undershirt and then snagged a pair of boxers. Aaric and I had never been intimate, but I needed underwear and his were clean. Besides, I had a feeling we?d be getting closer very soon.

Moving towards the bed, I slowly took off my towel, feeling a bit embarrassed about undressing in front of him but it was Aaric, he would see me naked eventually, in fact, I needed him to see me. I needed him to understand the grave situation that I was in, to see the fact that my bones protruded from my body, my spine looked like something out of an alien movie, and I was so weak that my once sleek dancer?s body was now lacking muscle tone. I needed him to see all of this so that he could give me the help I was not strong enough to ask for.

Biting my lip as I laid the towel down, I gripped his boxers and leaned over, slipping into them, even with the elastic band, they slipped down my currently non existent hips, threatening to fall off my body. Blushing, I reached for the tank style under shirt and slipped it on over my head and then moved for the shirt he had picked out for me. Buttoning the shirt over myself, I slowly rolled up the sleeves and then tied the shirt in a knot at my stomach, trying to make it look a little nicer on me. Sitting down on the bed, I pulled the jeans on over my feet and began rolling them up, thankfully I at least had a bit of height to my name and didn?t have to roll them too much. The waist however was a problem, folding the jeans over in the front; I managed to get them to stay up once the belt was on and tightened on the last notch to hold them in place. Looking up to Aaric, I smiled sheepishly. I then realized that I had actually let him see me and a little bit of fear panicked me, I certainly did not feel beautiful right now and was worried that perhaps he would reject me, but this was Aaric and the words he has spoken to me moments before in the hall came back to me.

? ...I'll always be here for you Cait. Always." And I knew that no matter what things would be okay.

?Did I hear you say something about a bistro before because that sounds amazing. ?