Topic: Have you ever just wanted to punch a B?

Cait

Date: 2014-09-21 21:39 EST
Cait had tried hard to get out of working tonight, despite being strapped for cash. But a club full of rowdy men watching women beat the crap out of each other wasn't her cup of tea. At all. She and Cane were both on the clock behind the bar to deal with the heavy volume of traffic the fights generated. Homegirl was looking a little frazzled, but holding her own. And doing her best to completely ignore the "arena" of scantily clad women.

It wasn't Kyle's regular scene, but he wanted to check on Cait since she'd not returned his text and she'd said he needed to come check the place out. Add to that, Zee told him that she was fighting, so he figured two birds, one stone and all that. He wandered through the door and glanced around. Too many people for his liking, so he moved on for a table in the back, to keep his back against the wall. Years of paranoia showing easily. He looked around for Cait, but as he didn't see her yet, assumed she had the night off.

"When's Lacey coming in? Did Pete call her yet?"

"Ya, cher. She be comin' in fi'teen minutes."

One of the bus boys came up to drop off a bin of dirty glasses which Cait took from him and set in the sink. "There was a guy asking if you were here."

Cait looked up at the dark haired buser. "Me?"

"Yeah. I told him I'd ask that way you could scope him out."

The story of Will's visit had gotten around. Everyone at Maelstrom was like family and looked out for one another. "OK, thanks. What's he look like?"

"Tall. Buzzed hair."

That helped. Cait rolled her eyes and checked her phone. No messages from Kyle, even though she'd told him to let her know when he was going to visit. "I'll go check it out in a minute. I've got to take these beers over to the VIP table anyway."

Kyle kicked his legs out, and crossed at the ankle. He watched the ring girls working the crowd and was glad they didn't have this sort of thing at 'his' bar. Too many opportunities for fights and needs that make his job exciting at times. The place seemed to be well run, when a table opened it was cleared and cleaned immediately leaving a spot for the next customers. The guys he had assumed were bouncers weren't intimidating, but neither was Li at his place. They wouldn't have the job if someone wouldn't have faith in their abilities, or unless they were packing. Maybe both. He shrugged off his jacket and hung it on one side of the chair across from him. Easily seen, watched and accessed should he need his own pistol. Shot girls, ring girls, everything was working and he watched the money changing hands. That's when he decided he would look into getting his own bar, sometime. Being busy looking around, he wasn't worrying about a drink, yet.

Once she'd helped Canaan clear out the majority of the patrons waiting for drinks, she stepped out from behind the bar carrying two pitchers of beer. All the tables were scanned as she headed for the booth closest to the ring. Unfortunately, there were just too many people. If there was a familiar face, the brunette couldn't find it.

And it's not like she'd stand out, either. Where the shot girls were in tight shirts and mini skirts, she wore a long-sleeved black shirt and jeans along with her favorite pair of red converse.

He spotted Cait easily enough. Not even surprised that she was in her own uniform of sorts. Hand lifted should she glance his way. Not even for a beer, but maybe a shot of something to go with coffee, if they had a pot ready. He drank at home, rarely, and to celebrate the birth of his sister's children with his brother in law, but more than that was rare.

He got noticed by complete accident. On her way back to the bar, she was squeezing through a group of raucous men who, when something amazing happened in the ring, knocked her into the table right across from Kyle.

"Hey!" She shrieked, only so they could hear her over the rest of the screaming--apparently the match was over and everybody on this side of the room was celebrating. A few of the men spun around, looking down incredulously at the diminutive brunette. "You guys wanna keep drinkin', then don't kill the bartender. You'll all be really sad if I cut you off." Cait could look surprisingly scary when she wanted to.

Once she was sure they'd gotten the message, she turned around to point at Kyle, whom she'd spotted during the scuffle. "You were supposed to call!"

"I sent a text." Grinning. "Call was next if I didn't see you tonight." He glared at the men who were watching her and they all went back to their booze and ring girl cheering. "Surprise."

She drew closer so they wouldn't have to raise their voices. "You picked a hell of a night to visit. I did not want to work this." Thumb over her shoulder towards the ring. "It's crazy here tonight."

"I'm surprised you?re here," Watching her as she moved closer. "I thought I'd check it out and watch the fights, hoped I'd see you. Thought maybe you shanked Cris and went to jail or something."

"Hoped you'd see me, huh?" Grin. She shouldn't tease him, though. Mention of Cris had her mouth twisting into something of a grimace. "Eh, it actually turned out alright. I apologized for acting like a lunatic and we sort of patched up our friendship." She shrugged and leaned on the table, palms against the smooth surface. "We'll see what happens."

"One step closer to closure." He nodded and glanced at the crowd, then the ring as two blondes just touched gloves. "Glad it worked out, I know you two were close once." Eyes flicked back to her. "Are you ending the bar? Or should I bother someone else for a shot of whiskey and a black coffee?"

Frankly, Cris was a sore subject and she'd rather not talk about him. Straightening, Cait shot him a wink. "Coffee? I knew I liked you." And off she goes to get his order.

He watched her go, then turned to see Zee stalking through the crowd of men like a panther. She lifted her hand in a wave toward him, and he returned the gesture. She was gone as fast as she appeared. Gym bag in hand and moving for the dressing rooms.

It was almost 10 minutes later before Cait reappeared. "Sorry," she told him a little breathlessly, setting a round tray on the table. His coffee and whiskey were set in front of him and a second mug of coffee placed in front of the chair next to him. Cait dropped into the seat, grinning. "Reinforcements arrived! I had to help Cane slam out a few orders, but now I'm on break for the next thirty minutes."

He nodded and took the shot first. A small raise of salute to her before the smile spread. "To downtime." Tipped the glass and drained before it found it's way back to the table and the coffee was scooted closer with a slight cough at the late burn. "Pretty sure that's turpentine based."

"It still amazes me that you aren't used to drinking after so long around him." No matter how much she wanted to forget about Deacon, their conversations always seemed to sneak him in there somehow. She watched the ring without really paying attention.

"He was the drinker. I had one once in a while. " Shrugged as he looked up to the blondes and cringed as one took a brutal body shot. "That hurt." Deke was a part of their lives and still there were a few things undone, words unsaid and a body never found that made him pop up in their conversations.

"I really don't get this." Waving her hand at the ring. "Alex is into this stuff. Always shows up to hang out with new bruises and cuts." She shook her head, looking a little disgusted. "I can hardly get the hang of hitting a punching bag."

"Keep your wrists bound, don't want to break one or your..." He pointed at the back of his hand, "These bones when you hit incorrectly." The coffee was lifted to lips and sipped. "Other than that, you beat on the other person til knockout, technical knockout, or some fights are point based like a marital arts match." He blinked, thinking he sounded like he was trying to come off as a brainiac. He just knew how to hurt people while keeping himself safe. "What's new since Shogun?"

A snort escaped her mid-sip. "When I hit incorrectly. When. Because you know it's not if with me." It was amusing, even knowing he'd probably try to backtrack and explain what he really meant. "But that's the thing...I don't understand being able to hurt anyone. I guess I've just never had the urge. It's barbaric.

"Nothing new, really. I talked with one of the new DJ's yesterday. Discovered he plays the violin like me." Glancing over at him, she wasn't sure Kyle knew that about her. "Did you ever hear me play for Deke?"

He shook his head. "Usually I had my headphones in, or was watching TV. I didn't know you played." If there was a hint of jealousy he didn't show it when she mentioned some violin playing DJ. "How long have you been playing?"

"My whole life." The shorter woman in the ring did some fancy roundhouse kick and clocked the taller blond square in the face. Caitlin cringed, stomach rolling. "Uhg. Um anyway...I kept up with it until my apartment burned down last spring. The fire killed my violin. I'll get another one someday, though, and I'll play for you."

"Yeah, that'd be cool. I'd play for you, but trumpets aren't very sexy." He saw that roundhouse and shook his head. Glad that she wasn't in his club causing some ruckus. "This place is a little nuts, I'm sure for the fight, but like this a lot?"

Eyebrows lifted in surprise. "The trumpet? Really? No, no," she was shaking her head and placed a hand on his knee, shaking lightly. "You have to play it for me! I didn't know that about you." Smirk. Sip. A comment left unsaid. Then Cait shook her head. "No, this is insane. The worst we normally deal with are people getting nasty on the dance floor. There've been a few fights, but mostly it's the dancing that needs addressing."

Brows rose slightly higher. "What, like making out and stuff?" Leaving that pretty open. "I mean we have the grinders over at my place, but we leave 'em alone." Then thoughts turned back to the trumpet. "Seriously though, brass versus strings? Strings win, hands down."

"Of course strings win." Scoff. "But it doesn't mean I wouldn't want to hear you play." She watched the fight a bit more, but there was a lot of blood on their faces. It wasn't a pretty sight. "And no, it's worse than making out. We routinely have couples, uh, exposing themselves." Siiiiiiiip.

"Yeah, we do have a no dicks policy on the dance floor at the bar." He took a drink, then looked at her. "There's been so much boob flash in there if they walked in in masks and no shirts on, we'd still know their names."

That got her to laugh, hitting his arm with the back of her hand. "We've got our fair share of that, too, though Pete doesn't crack down on it nearly as hard as the other." Roll of brown eyes. "Go figure."

He grinned as she smacked him. "Well, I usually tell them to get dressed or get out, the other guys enjoy the show. Now, if you want to come dance topless, I heard they were going to have an amateur night." playful wink.

A deep blush ignites and she narrows her eyes. "You'd like that," standing, Cait leaned close, one hand on the back of his chair and the other on the the table. "Wouldn't you?" Straightening, the brunette grabbed her now empty coffee mug. "My break's over. Sticking around much longer?"

"Maybe I would." Leaning closer to her. He watched her stand up straight then, and take her mug. Kyle grinned. "I'll be here, my boss's daughter is coming up in the fights soon."

Blink. "Hopefully her pretty face doesn't get broken." Of course he wasn't here just to see her. It shouldn't, but the thought bothered her. Cait grabbed his empty shot glass, too. "I'll come check on you in a bit with a refill."

He nodded and watched her as she turned. That wasn't exactly how he planned things to go, he saw that brief flicker of something. "Maybe I can give you a ride home?"

"I really doubt you wanna wait until until I get off at 2." She started backing away. "But maybe we can hang out tomorrow? I have the night off."

"Tomorrow's good, but I don't mind waiting around." He finished the coffee and watched as the ring girls started to work the crowds again. Eyes moved back to Cait and the smile spread out. "So, really it's not a bother."

He didn't get an answer other than the amused roll of her eyes before she headed back to the bar.

It wasn't much longer that Zee appeared. Black robe hanging open over black and white outfit. Even her gloves were black and white. She was dancing lightly on toes back and forth shaking out her arms and stopped by Kyle's table to 'fist' bump him with the end of glove. She gave a playful wink and made her way toward the ring. He couldn't help but chuckle at her antics. She was a different girl, but made slow nights at the bar entertaining until she started her shrink crap on him.

Back behind the bar, Cait watched the short haired brunette visit Kyle's table and then head over to the ring. She watched her like a hawk, as if just watching her would tell Cait what kind of person she was. The most obvious was that she was ridiculously fit. Good God, was she toned. Pretty came next. When she wasn't slinging drinks, Cait was glued to the fight. Occasionally she'd spare a glance towards Kyle's table to see how he responded to the fight. Every punch she landed. The few she received.

Kyle was watching the fight, it wasn't really showing what his thoughts were. His hands were balled into fists, a slight jerk every time Zee threw a jab, or combination. She was incredible to watch fight, and he did like learning new things about co-workers. "C'mon Zee." Muttered as if he was too good to be like the raucous on the sides of the cage who seemed to be shouting in tongues. Zee was moving fast, dodging hands, blocking kicks and landing some brutal punches, the weird thing about it, even with that mouth guard, she seemed to be smiling and having a ball.

Halfway into the second round, Cait appeared at the table again, placing an open bottle of Silvermark Ale in front of Kyle. She'd managed to get a grip on herself and was determined to play it cool. Couldn't stay long, so Cait just propped her arm on his shoulder to watch the fight for a minute or two. "Reminds me of when Alex fights."

He turned and grinned at Cait as she appeared, then looked at the beer. "Thanks." Glance up to Zee and watching as she threw a right cross into the other girl's jaw. "Alex fights like that?" He picked up the beer and leaned over to loop an arm around Cait in a one armed hug slash thank you. Zee happened to have glanced their way and the smile was gone from her face.

"No, it's much more brutal. The fights at the pits are fucking dangerous. I hardly got through the night I visited and I'll never go back. I meant the way she looks thrilled." An eyebrow ticked up, noticing the vanishing smile. Talk about timing. And it just happened to coincide with Kyle's hug--which, up until this moment, Cait hadn't thought anything of. Clearly, Zee had a thing for Kyle. Quickly side-stepping out of his sort of embrace, her hand accidentally brushed the side of his neck. "Gotta get back. Hope your girl wins."

It wasn't much longer than that fight turned into what Cait was just describing. It was something just shy of brutal, that went a step past with a wicked looking, and sounding combo. Kyle turned to watch Cait, but then the sounds of the screams erupting around and from the cage caught his attention. Two knee kicks, and blood splattered as Zee's opponent bit off a small piece of her tongue.

Cane was standing on the bar, screaming along with everyone else. It was by far the most violent thing that had happened tonight and the crowd was loving it. She whacked him with a bar towel, scowling, no desire to watch the blood pouring out of Zee's opponents mouth. Caitlin was very calmly wiping out glasses and cleaning up, all the while sneaking glances up at Kyle.

Kyle was just staring. He'd seen fights like this, but never with a girl. She was a smaller version of him and the things that he used to do regularly. It made him glad that she was going to be a shrink and maybe getting away from the violent side of cage matches. The shouts were louder as her opponent stood up and wiped her mouth with the back of her glove and charged at Zee. The inked brunette braced and brought up her foot with a wicked snap kick that whipped the other girl's head back, and sent her crashing to the mat. The ref fell to knees in a slide next to the fallen woman, and counted, but then waved hands "Winner by knockout!" He grabbed Zee's bloody, white glove and lifted it high. The crowd erupted again.

"Yes! ****in' yes! D?esse de l'anneau!" Canaan's boots thudded on the bartop as he jumped, fist pumping in the air.

Cait looked up at him, nose wrinkled. Men were gross. "Descendre la barre, connard." No one wanted drinks right now. They were too busy celebrating. It was a welcome lull, despite the intense noise level. She just leaned on the bar, ignoring the ring, watching Kyle.

It was stunning, the opponent still hadn't moved and the doctors were moving in to get her off the floor of the ring. Zee pulled one glove off and flicked it to the roaring crowd then got a slightly evil grin on her face as she pushed to the ropes, hopped over and stalked toward Kyle. Guys were watching, not moving other than to get out of her way, wondering what was coming next.

Though she hadn't been watching the ring, it was obvious something interesting was happening. The crowd's noise level dimmed just slightly and a few of the guys near Kyle's table shifted out of the way. It was almost like she knew what was going to happen, any trace of her fakey smile disappearing immediately. Caitlin straightened, eyes wide, knuckles turning white from gripping the towel in her hand so tightly.

No eye contact with anyone except Kyle who suddenly and maybe for the first time since Cait had known him, looked uneasy. Zee walked right up to him, leaned down and kissed him, nearly as hard as she had been fighting. Crowd of course roared and cheered.

Jealousy slapped her in the face. Cold and hard. Stunned, Cait swallowed back an angry gasp and quickly spun around to belly up to the sink. There were glasses to clean. Every part of her wanted to march over and punch Zee as hard as she could...but why get in the way of Kyle's happiness? For weeks now she'd continually held him at arm's length while he all but begged her for a chance.

Luckily for her, the crowd surrounded them, cutting off her view as they moved to slap Kyle on the back, cheer him on and call him a lucky son of a gun. Kyle, however moved to break that kiss and shook his head. Every thought spinning, every feeling raw. He and Zee worked together, that's what it was. Things were joked about but never acted on. He turned to see if he could see Cait, and of course being surrounded, that wasn't going to happen. He reached out and picked up his jacket, kindly declining the offers of drinks bought. He didn't know where he was going, but it was going to be far from here. Zee moved through the people, back to the dressing room to change, in effect making it look like they had left or were leaving together.

The phone in her back pocket vibrated. Thinking it was Kyle, she turned back around to look for him. The crowd had shifted, making it clear that his table was empty and Zee was nowhere to be seen. A horrible, hollow feeling began to eat away at her. The cuts on her arms throbbed, as they did more and more often. There seemed to be new triggers and reasons to visit the land of that release with each passing day. Finally drying her hands, she checked the message on her phone and typed a message back. Fuck this night.

Zee slipped out the back. She had no intention of fighting through the maze of men and groping hands. She was on her way to Kyle's house to explain her actions and hopefully make amends. She knew when she saw that girl that was 'his' Caitlin. She thought about an ultimatum, **** or get off the pot sort of thing. But, there were other ways to deal with one sided relationships. The exit door opened then pressed closed behind her. She slid into her jeep, and drove away.

Cait

Date: 2014-09-21 22:00 EST
Leung?s
3:07am


Out of breath she arrives, the ever-present blush on her cheeks. The brunette looked angry, even when she smiled at Cris who was waiting for her in a booth with their usual's already ordered. "Sorry. I'm slightly late."

And a cat. One mustn't forget the cat. The white mass of fur regarded Cait from its place between him and the way out of the booth. He'd straightened in his seat, palms against the table, taking a moment to absorb the shark's edge to her grin. "I didn't mind."

All the men in her life seemed to have a thing for cats lately. Except Deacon. Brief thoughts about his complete hatred for the animals...something about his ex having a vicious beast that despised him. "I figured but..I..." she'd caught a glimpse of jagged brown hair and tattooed arms at the counter. Zee. Quickly, she slid into the seat across from Cris and pasted a fake smile on her face. "Apparently my night's just supposed to suck."

"Ah...." The cat leaped down and trotted toward a swinging door that led to the kitchen. "Well, then I suppose I'm grateful for the warning. I'll be certain not to try too hard." Half a smile, he folded his arms. When he came to Leung's, he was prepared to be fully absorbed by it. The building and the family that ran it. Not the other patrons. And the other at the bar wasn't familiar to him.

Zee, the woman waiting for her food, was a muscular and rather pretty woman completely oblivious to everyone else in the room. Trying not to send anymore daggers in her direction, Cait trained her eyes on Cris and worked to soften her gaze. "So. I'm really glad you messaged me. Work sucked. Chinese makes everything better." Or it did until she knew the harlot frequented the place, too.

"I've heard and seen that tending a bar can be rather," squinting, he searched for the word, "dramatic. Interesting." Lifting one shoulder. He poured two cups of tea from the metal pot that had been left on the table. "What happened?"

She didn't answer right away, trying to busy herself with her food. Pulling the chopsticks from their wrapper, a body passed nearby their table carrying a large carryout order.

Zee winked at the two of them, a pair of bloodied fighting gloves slung over her shoulder. "I won," she announced, grinning, then disappearing outside.

Cait snapped her chopsticks in two...and not in the correct way.

Gaze shifted between the two, rapid fire. Two looks for every moment. The snap in the wake of Zee's departure achieved the high arch of one dark brow. He looked back to Cait. A bit expectant, but he wouldn't be that offended if she chose not to elaborate.

Delicate words. "We hosted a women's MMA thingy. Whatever they're called. That's Zara," she explained, reaching for another set of chopsticks.

"Mhmmmm. And you murdered your utensils because---she beat you, yet you've very little to show for it in ways of injury."

A snort escaped before she could stop it. Her? In a ring? That was funny. "Apparently Zara works with Kyle. And after Zara beat the **** out of her opponent she decided to go over to Kyle's table--he was visiting to watch the fight--and kiss him."

Gentle nudge of his middle finger against her teacup. "Does that bother you?"

She was too busy violently capturing a piece of orange chicken with her utensils to notice the tea nudge. "It shouldn't."

But it did. "I didn't know that your bar hosted such things. Have you told Alex yet?" he meant it to be a joke.

"This was the first time." Responding after she'd chewed and swallowed. "And I certainly won't be working any others. But I don't think Alex would like it. Too many rules."

"Kyle is the same---Deacon's friend. Yes?" He took a sip of his own tea. The cat's white tail bobbed past in the opposite direction.

Jaw tightened. Yes, yes, Deacon's friend. The exact reason this shouldn't be bothering her. She nodded once.

"I see," he nodded. Gaze dropped to his plate. He could continue to feed his curiosity, he could let it go. He chose the latter, for the time being. Silence was its own kind of bandage.

Silence was good. It last for a few minutes. Her left hand tapped on the table absently while she ate. The engagement ring was still there. "Anything new and exciting happen since we last talked?"

"No. Much the same, and thankfully uneventful." Even if one was not true, the other was.

That wasn't helpful. Something brushed against her leg. Minutely alarmed, she leaned back to peer under the table. It was the cat. "I've just been working a lot. Nothing exciting about that."

He chased a piece of beef through some sauce. When he looked up, he looked not at her, but the door. If he asked her why something so simple upset her, she would either lie or remain silent. As he would. He was rarely forced to deal with another individual so like him. He could hardly deal with himself on his best days.

"Did it bother Kyle?"

That wasn't a thought she'd considered. "I quit watching. By the time I turned back around, both of them were gone. What little I did see, he was kissing her back."

"Well.... Have you tried not to kiss someone whilst they're kissing you? My first reaction is to speak, and that usually does not help."

Yes, yes she had. Refusing to let her mind drift down that dark alley because she knew Cris hadn't meant that, Cait just shook her head. "I've kissed exactly three people." Will didn't count.

He counted in his own mind. There were a handful that he knew of, but could not remember. He'd long since stopped being unsettled by that. "And?"

"Perhaps she was just excited and has little willpower control."

"The problem isn't that she kissed him." Even though that's how it had been presented. "It's not even that he kissed her back." Pregnant pause, not knowing how to continue. 'The Problem' was on the tip of her tongue.

He allowed an extra moment between her response and his next question. "Then what is it?"

Another violent stab at her chicken, mostly just pushing it around the plate now. "It shouldn't bother me." Repeating what she'd said earlier. It wasn't an exact confession, but got the point across without her needing to spell it out.

"But it does." They both knew that. He swapped his chopsticks for the teacup, took a sip, and swallowed. He'd have to keep a better lookout for this woman named Zara. "Sometimes....admitting it helps ease the discomfort. You need not say it aloud. Merely in your mind. I don't believe trying to keep it from bothering you will work."

"He's his best friend!" Now they were getting somewhere. The more she told him, the harder it was to keep her mouth from spilling more and more.

Surprise broke the pensive scowl on his brow. Puzzle pieces turned and slid toward each other. "Do you want him?"

Oh God. Cris didn't even know the half of it. "I don't know what I want." Eyes closed, the heels of her palms coming up to press against her forehead. "I keep telling him that."

They?d avoided each other so long, now, and it was likely why he felt like he was toeing a cliff with this discussion. One wrong step and he would plummet, unable to climb back up. "Does he want you?"

Several long moments pass. They'd gotten too deep into this conversation too quickly. Completely her fault. A combination of her emotions running hot and the simple fact that she'd been keeping this secret for weeks. The guilt was eating her alive. Finally, she looked up. "He's wanted to be with me for a long time. Since before Deacon died. He kissed me while Deacon was in the hospital." Yeah. Keep saying his name. Carve a little more of your heart out with each pass.

It was all a layer of her life he'd not been privy to. He hadn't known that it existed, really. Hoped that it hadn't and was content without asking. "And now...." pointed glance to the door to illustrate.

"And now nothing." Did they really go from avoidance to her sharing this tiny piece of her heart? "It's only been...it hasn't been long enough. And I don't know anything about anything. I'm confused. I don't want to feel any of this."

"What is an acceptable time for mourning, do you think?" Surrendering to the conversation, he folded his arms against the edge of the table, leaning in.

"It?s only been a ****ing month," she spat.

He ducked his head. "Are those the only reasons why you won't?"

Hells ****ing bells. Hurt. Pain. Exhaustion. Misery. Anger. Betrayal. Hatred. They all splintered across her face in a second, one after the other. Brown eyes watered but thank whoever that none of them escaped. "I still miss him." Lips quivered. "And I feel like **** for even thinking about anyone else."

Cait

Date: 2014-09-21 22:01 EST
"Cait...." a whorl of comfort took over her name. The same as an arm around the shoulders would, a hand over a hand. "Grief does things to people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing."

He was breaking her. Fast. Where her voice had merely waivered before, now it cracked. "I already kissed him again, Cris." Everything hurt. Her arms dropped below the table so she could needle away at the cuts hidden safely beneath sleeves. "...right after Deacon d--. And I hate myself for enjoying it." For a great many other things as well.

He took in the sight of her---the sight of a Cait he'd rarely ever glimpsed. She was stronger than she thought she was, she had several walls which she hid behind, and they were good. Thick and solid. He didn't know how she scraped that strength together.

"Perhaps you need a new reason to keep yourself sane."

"What I need is to belong to myself before I belong to another person." Sniff.

Tension raced across his brow. "Well.... Yes, I suppose that's a wise choice. But I meant---if you truly feel that you need this time, and you know that you're not ready. For his sake, if he seems to have these feelings for you, don't let them continue. I've found it easier to resist tempation when I think of the pain my actions will inflict upon others.

"I'm not saying you're me," he continued, with another look down at his plate. "In your situation, I---handled my grief very differently. All I can tell you is what I know to be true, from what I've done."

She'd fall deeper down the hole if forced to cut him out of her life. He was a lifeline to Deacon in a way. She sniffed again, too selfish to make that choice. "What did you do? How... Will it ever go away?"

Beneath the table, he bounced his knee. Something warm and soft shifted from his foot and found a new place to rest. "Would you like me to tell you the truth?"

There was her answer. The hollow feeling in her chest expanded. "Yes," whispering.

He licked his lips, and tightened the fold of his arms. "Within a week, I forgot who I was. You've said that one month is not enough time. I drowned in five days. I can't recall everyone I let touch me.

"Does it ever go away....? I swear to you, I wish I could tell you that it did. But it gets easier. It does. Do you want to die, Cait?"

Saying it outloud would make it real. Feeling like a fool for the hot tears that streaked silently down her cheeks, she looked pointedly away and dug her fingers roughly into her forearm.

He considered the fresh streaks shining down her cheeks. "Have you tried?"

"No," tight-lipped truth. But something lingered behind the word.

"Do you think yourself strong enough to try?"

"I'm coping."

"There are worse ways to cope than in the arms of someone you want. This, I promise you."

She knew this. "I don't sleep around. I'd hate myself even more once I'm better if I let myself give in to that. It would be so easy to just be with him. He wants it. I want it. But I don't know if I want him or if I just miss the comfort. Someday I won't be a mess. I don't want to hurt him if I wake up and realize that I'm making mistakes."

He nodded. It made sense, and he wished that in the throes of grief like the ones Cait was weathering, that he'd had the fortitude to stick to such logic. "I believed in that comfort. I believed in anything that could take me as close to death as I dared to travel. Two months was all it took for me to destroy every facet of my life but the one that kept me breathing. You've made it one of those months.

"I don't believe that you have enough room in your heart to feel like this. Deacon's death is not your fault, it was the result of choices that he made, choices that I did not make, and a profound underestimation of an enemy. You didn't do this.

"The last thing I know that I can tell you for certain, Cait, is that you must find a way to solidify this resolve and do it now. Because the more you resist it.... It will take over you one day, and you will let it."

Kyle hadn't batted an eyelash when Cait had confessed her darkest secret. Her shame ran so deep that she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to get past it. "It was--" she swallowed audibly and seemed on edge much more than before. "I don't know how to do that."

"Not right now, perhaps, but you will. Right now, I think the most prudent course of action is for you to relax. Exhale. You can't control the actions of others as much as you'd like to, and if what you've told me of his desires is true, I'm certain he's taking care of the situation as we speak. Or perhaps, he's already done.

"It will be all right." Behind his elbows, the curl of his hands tightened. "It does get easier."

There was a part of her convinced paying penance for the rest of her life would be a proper punishment. That easy would never come. So much more about the situation, about her feelings, crucial details was left unsaid, to churn in what was left of her heart uneasily. "Hope so." She'd started to lift her hand to rub her eyes but noted the faint print of blood smeared along her thumb and fingertip.

Here again, he could continue, or he could let it go. He chose the latter. Instead, lifting one hand and calling toward the empty bar for assistance. The secret on her hand, whatever it was, would remain hers.

Joined by the elder woman, he requested the rest of their meal to be boxed. She nodded, glancing aside at Cait, at her hand, then at Cris, and busied herself with gathering their plates.

He refilled her tea, then his own. "Thank you for telling me. I didn't know that you were living with this on your own. Have you told Alex any of this?"

That hand balled into a fist as the older woman drew close. "Some," replying flatly. "I don't even know why I told you. I prefer to suffer alone, as I'm sure you know well enough."

He chuckled. "You told Alex what you could to placate her concerns, yes?"

"Alex has happily agreed to pretend absolutely nothing happened and it's all right as rain." In truth, it had helped. For a while, anyways. "She took me to strip clubs and got me drunk for the very first time ever. Fun times." Beneath the table, she wiped her hand on her pants.

"I'm sorry that I can't do that for you. My quota for such behavior is rather full, at the moment."

Eyebrows aloft, she eyed him a little skeptically. "You've had your fill of drunkenness and strip clubs? Lies."

He laughed. An abrupt exhalation, the flash of teeth brilliant and white. "One more than the other, but yes."

It actually made her smile. "I don't buy it for a minute. Not until I see it with my own eyes someday. Tell you what, next time you fall apart, you resist the urge to fill your quota. Then we can commiserate together. Perhaps minus the stripclubs. I don't know...it'd be like watching porn with a sibling and that's weird."

"I'm not exactly in a comfortable enough place to enjoy my time at one, nor would I like to reconcile the aftermath." He offered words of gratitude for the old woman when she returned with their boxes, trading them for a credit card. She bustled away a second time.

Offering to pay for her portion would only annoy him so Cait simply said, "I'll buy next time." Her hand, sans-blood this time, lifted to rub her eyes. "...thanks." That wasn't about the food.

Most likely. Brows went up, for the suggestion and then her last word. "You're welcome."

"Please don't tell anyone...I've managed to keep it together in public so far. I don't want people knowing..." trailing off.

He had to remember they hadn't swapped enough sensitive information for her to know his stance on revealing it. "I won't tell anyone, Cait."

She just sat back, hands in her lap again, looking at him. She'd been so ready to just resume their friendship without any effort--to pick up where they'd left off and simply stay there. But this was really nice. Maybe this embarrassing display would invite him to open up as deeply someday.

He'd taken a couple sips of tea, returned the card to his wallet, and bid the old woman good night by the time he finally looked up and met her gaze. "Does that surprise you?"

"No," shaking her head. "I was having a moment. Ignore me."

Snorting, "I'd rather not. I liked this."

"I'm surprised you didn't bolt when the tears appeared." Smirk.

"That usually only happens when I don't understand the place they come from. This one, I do."

"But, you're correct, crying women are rather terrifying in their own right."

"I'll just go as myself for Halloween." Her turn to snort.

"I doubt it'll have the effect you want, Cait." He finished the tea in his cup.

She pulled her box close and looped her purse over her arm. It would be easy to hide the blood-soaked sleeve with her arm curled tightly against her body. "Who knows what I'll look like in another month? Maybe I'll have lost my mind and look like I escaped the looney bin."

"I think you'll be fine." He slid from the booth with an ease and a grace suggesting either years of training or a disdain for the seat. His own food gathered, he lingered at the edge of the table. "If you need to talk to me, Cait, you know that you can.... Yes? I will listen."

She just waved him off, standing up fluidly. "Same goes for you, ya know."

He felt like it was a game of tennis. The ball was in his court. He would, at some point, need to speak openly with her. He was grateful, at least, that there were myriad subjects to touch upon. "If you'd like to know anything, you need only ask."

That was a cop out, but she'd not call him on it now. "Sure thing," placating him neatly, heading for the door. "Thanks again for din---er breakfast?"

She couldn't rightly expect much from him, presently. Or, perhaps she could. Like her, he pretended not to realize the tight curl of her arm and the awkward way she pressed it against herself. "Certainly. Anytime."

This would be the point where two friends hugged and said their goodbyes. But even when they'd been on the best of terms, hugs had not come easily. The brunette just smiled, nodded, and waved her fingers at him. Then out she went!

((Thanks once more to Kyle and Cris for this lovely post!))