Feb. 22

I bought this thing a few days ago so I could write down reasons that would remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. That what I'm doing is for a good cause, that I'm not just whoring myself out to some low-life cretin who deserves to die in a fucking fire. I bought this damn thing with one person in mind, which was a stupid reason by the way, so I could maybe look at it when things get rough and remember the good things in my life.

Well to hell with that. To hell with him. Men are pigs, let me tell you. It's like I told Quinn shortly after meeting her...men are dogs. They're pigs. They're roaches! Disgusting bastards, all of them. What in the hell was I thinking?

I'm putting my neck on the line and he's off chatting up some Hawaiian Hoochie? I don't think so, honey. Uh uh. Then tonight he leaves with her! "Lets get outta here," he says. Uhg. Makes me sick. It's what I get for getting attached. I do it all the time and every damn time it blows up in my face.

I think Karma's trying to tell me to stay focused. Slate was a distraction. That's why Karma gave me a second chance with Deacon...to get Slate out of my life. Must be. I don't feel like rambling about him anymore. So done with that. Done with men. I'll bide my time with Deacon, get what I need and fix my life. Maybe I'll join a convent when it's all over. Ok, so maybe I won't. I like sex a little too much. But relationships? Done. They're not worth it. I don't think there are anymore pieces of my heart. Heartless, cold, bitch. At least that'll make the sex easier. No strings attached.

Alright, I've had my tantrum. I'm over it. Moving on.

May 31

I've done nothing but work my ass off for the past two months. Hard as it's been, removing myself from the party/social life has proven to be a positive thing. I cut myself off from almost everyone except for Quinn and Moss so I could put my nose to the grind and get shit done. It's driven me insane at times, but I'm surprised at how much I've accomplished. Not just with work, but with myself. Denying myself the companionship of others has allowed me to focus solely on the task at hand.

Quinn and I spar every morning for several hours. She's getting ridiculously good. I can't believe how fast she picks things up. And the things she can do in a pair of heels just blows my mind. I think I'll stick to boots. I'm sporting more than one bruise from her these days and her aim improves daily, both with fists and guns. I don't worry about her anymore when we follow a lead. I know she can hold her own. She's been working with me on my French, too. Every now and again we'll go a whole day speaking nothing but French, which frustrates me because I'm far from perfect, but every little bit helps. My understanding of the language has grown by leaps and bounds by simply applying myself wholly.

But it's not always easy to keep my focus where it should be. I got another letter from the Inter-Galaxy medical community informing me about him. When it came in the mail I immediately threw it away. It sat in the bin for close to a week, haunting me. Finally I caved and opened it. Big mistake. It only brings up horrible memories. My attitude that week really bothered Quinn, but thankfully she didn't press me about it. We just worked harder in our sparring sessions and I let myself take quite the beating. Quinn's great like that...she knows when to just let me be. I'll be burning anymore letters from the IGMC that come in the future.

Things with the vampires have gone cold. Since the deaths of Kingsley and Deacon, the whole operation has gone underground as far as I can tell. There haven't been anymore kidnappings, no more auctions in disguise. Even things at the Fist and Fang have been relatively boring. That's not to say we haven't been watching everyone closely. Moss is keeping us updated with his intel.

It's like I finally have things under control. The vampires have quieted down, hopefully for a good long while. I'm more in tune with Karma and myself than ever before. I feel like I'm being given the go-ahead to enjoy myself again. That I can maybe spend time with my friends without losing control. It's worth a shot.