Big Girls Don't Cry


?Can I come in??

I looked up from my place in the cockpit, over to where Leif was standing by the door. My stomach sank. The captain wasn?t asking permission to enter, but rather if I was receptive to talking. After nodding curtly, I watched from the corner of my eye as he took a seat next to me in the co-pilot?s chair. He stared, I brooded.

?Should I start?? he asked finally, folding his hands behind his head.

?I guess?? I sounded like a child and I mentally rolled my eyes at myself.

?What?s going on, Mackenzie? I know not everyone is going to get along all the time while on my boat, but this attitude towards Jesse is coming out of left field.? His expression seemed confused, not necessarily angry. I couldn?t quite understand what he was trying to get out of me, so I stayed silent.

?Surely you can?t possibly be feeling jealous.?

My eye twitched and instinctively I reached up to press against the nerve. Leif smirked. I scowled. ?No, I?m not jealous. She?s just a--? pause. Choose your words carefully. ?She?s just annoying. The way she looks at my boyfriend just gets on my nerves. But he?s free to do whatever he wants, I guess.?

?I didn?t realize you two were so serious. I wouldn?t have known until I saw this behavior from you. I really wish I had known.? Why did he care? What was my relationship with Wyatt to him? A better question would have been, ?where was this obnoxious attitude of mine coming from??. ?It?s not safe for the crew during jobs.?

I knew he was right, but I wasn?t about to share that with him. Besides, from the look on Leif?s face, he knew that I agreed. ?I?ll try to be nice to her, ok??

He ignored me and leaned forward, his elbows coming to rest on his knees. ?I?m curious, though. Why do you hide it? The depth of your feelings, I mean. It?s not because you thought I?d disapprove of it in a work setting, that much I know??

?What do you care?? I snapped at him. His amused expression just ticked me off even more.

?You even hide it from him, most of the time anyways. I can?t account for what happens behind closed doors--well I might, you two are certainly loud enough--but the way he feels for you is written all over his face.?

?Leif, why are you doing this? This doesn?t have anything to do with an--? he cut me off.

?I don?t have any reason in particular, Mackenzie. Like I said, I?m mostly curious. I don?t have many heart-to-heart?s with people. But I?ve taken a liking to ya, if I ever had a daughter, I?d have wanted her to have your spunk.?

?So you?re saying I?m the daughter you never had?? I rolled my eyes at him. ?And you?re just looking out for me??

?No, I?m not saying that. But I guess you could say that as your captain, and friend, I?m trying to figure you out. Anything wrong with that?? The question was met with silence and so he continued. ?Do you even love him??

I couldn?t respond. I knew I was being overly harsh with him because the feelings and emotions swirling around in my head were confusing and painful. ?I don?t know.? Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie. I knew the answer very well. Whether or not I was worthy of his love was another question. My mind drifted.

My first relationship was with a vampire. Jack Wolfe had been bad for me in so many ways; he had shattered my will and used me until there was nothing more for him to take. To this day I couldn?t remember how I gathered the courage to leave him, but I was sure it had been the right move. My relationship with Cameron began shortly thereafter. I hadn?t known that good men existed. I had loved him with all that I had, but it wasn?t much. I managed to screw up one of the best things I had for a fling.

Chuckie O?Corr had been a significant moment in my life. I say moment, because what I had with him didn?t last very long but he did have quite the impact. I claimed it was just sex. We both used each other when we were angry, horny, upset, bored?whatever the mood, we?d fix it with sex. Despite the fact that my attraction to this large, well-built scots-Irishman had cost me Cameron?s love, the time I spent with Chuckie was a period I?ll never forget or look back on with regret. And I pretended not to be jealous when he chose to be with someone old enough to be my mother. But then, I was just a whore; why would he ever think of me as someone to be loved?

Then there was Alain. I lost my best friend over sleeping with him. It wasn?t love I felt, but I?d begun to notice the connections my heart would make with a man. I wanted love and my subconscious seemed to create attachments that weren?t there in hopes something would be returned. I left him alone after Cassie wrote me off.

Fast-forward to the happiest time in my life. I?d met a great man, and he truly loved me back. He knew about my past and I felt I could be myself with him. Dan loved me enough to ask me to marry him. I remember the way I felt while wearing his ring. I wanted to change for him. I did change for him. Dan?s love did something to me that no one else in this world had ever been able to do. I had finally let my walls down enough to let someone else into my little world. I was a person who not only had found love, but deserved it, too. I was good. And they killed him for it.

Just thinking about Dan made my lungs constrict painfully in my chest. I wasn?t good. I was a bad person. Losing Dan caused me to believe that I was not worthy of love; if I allowed myself to love someone, they would be taken away from me for my past transgressions. It was on the tip of my tongue to share this with Leif, but fear of being laughed at or dismissed kept my lips firmly pursed.

?Sarah?? Leif?s voice broke me out of my reverie. I blinked several times, focusing on his face. He looked pensive, as if he wanted to know what I?d been thinking but didn?t want to pry. Then I inwardly scoffed; as if he hadn?t pried enough.

?Look,? I said, getting irritated. ?I?m enjoying what I have while I have it. My life hasn?t been a bed of roses, and bad girls don?t deserve good things. I?m just having a good time while it lasts.? The pressure to tell him my true feelings and not this macho version of it was crushing me. ?I?ll be nice to Jesse, and Wyatt and I will stay off missions together. Okay? Now get off my back.?

Leif, seeing that I was done with the conversation, simply sighed. He stood and squeezed my shoulder before leaving the control room. When he was gone, I drew my knees up and hugged them to my chest, finally allowing the tears to fall. I was trying to be happy with what I had. Why did I have to look for ways to screw it up? I knew I didn?t deserve Wyatt?s love. But what bothered me most was not knowing what was worse: wanting someone I didn?t deserve or knowing I?d never have him.

Sneaking Around

Things were weird with Wyatt when I got home. When you?ve been with someone as long as we had, it?s damn near impossible to lie well to them. At least, it was hard for me. I thought he bought it, but he just moped around the ship all day and ignored me. Later that night we got into it again. I was half drunk anyway and wasn?t thinking really when I left. He was making me angry and I had to get away. I went straight to Danny even though I knew that would only make things worse.

We met in the Glen, it was dark and the pond where I was meeting him mirrored the night sky. He was sitting on the ground and turned as I called out to him. Even in the midst of my anger, seeing his smile began to calm me.

?You look nice,? he?d commented. I was wearing my dress uniform, having just come from my own promotion party. ?How are you??

After contemplating how wise it would be to get my uniform dirty and wishing I?d changed before leaving, I joined him and sat comfortably close. ?I?m better now. It?s nice out here.?

?Not too mad. But it?s no party, and I also don?t have any drinks to help me wear you down so I can take advantage of you. Again.?


?It's hardly taking advantage of a girl when she's more than willing.? My laughter, though soft, sounded louder than it was in the open clearing.

?Oh yeah,? he said, a hand reaching out to straighten my shirt, then moving to rest comfortably on my thigh. ?So I lived up to expectations, then?? a small teasing tone to his voice.

?Hardly,? I teased right back, playfully pushing his hand away. ?I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.?

?Damn. Maybe I can keep trying until I get it right??

?Mm.? It was a non-answer, and I laid back to stare up at the stars. I reached up to pull the pins from my hair, letting the tight bun unravel so my head could lay flat. After a moment, I spoke up tentatively. ?What is this, Danny??

?I don't know. What do you want it to be?? He turned on his side, propping himself up on an elbow to look down at me.

My body pulsed when he turned to face me. Ignoring the urge to pull him on top of myself, I took a deep breath. ?It's just that...it's not going to stay a secret for long. He's already curious why I didn't come home last night. And then what? What happens? He'll leave me... and the thrilling taboo of sneaking around will be gone. Will you still be around without all the excitement? Don't answer that.? I sighed, a hand reaching out to touch his thigh. ?It'll ruin it for me if I know.?

?Will you want me if there isn't any excitement?? He placed a hand on my forearm and his leg shifted to touch mine. He was already closing the distance, as much as he fought against the movements. ?Be interested if it isn't sneaking around?

I didn?t care to answer him, because in my mind the answer was obvious so I posed a different question. ?And if Lizzie comes back?? There was no sense in beating around the bush and I?d never understood why talking about ex's had to be a no-no.

?I don't know.? At least he was honest. ?She made the choice to leave. She could have asked me to come but didn't. I don't think she'll be back, and even then, it hurt.? His eyes closing as I toyed with his hair. ?But fact is I would've pursued you if she were still here.?

Just knowing that he'd have been willing to cheat, as awful as it sounded, set my heart at ease. Rising up on my elbow to mirror his stance, I pressed a quick kiss to his lips. ?I will want you when he's gone, Dannyboy. Not a doubt in my mind. But I don't want to play house. I don't want to settle in, alright??

There was a moment where he pushed back into the kiss, as brief as it was. ?I'm not gonna ask you to marry me. Don't worry.?

?Good, I'm not cut out to be a wife. Obviously.? My hands began to wander. ?Have you noticed it's not so cold anymore?? I whispered.

As my hand dipped, so did his. Past the curve of my back, then comfortably on my backside. ?I'm almost burning up now,? he whispered back.

? Kisses will cost you.? I smiled, tipping my head back. He?d leaned in for a kiss.

?Oh yeah? What do I have to pay??

?Your favorite food is...?? My breath caught in my throat when I opened my eyes to find him inches from my face. My hands wandered more, to places they shouldn?t.

He gave a quite audible gasp at the placement of my hand and he swallowed hard. ?I'm having trouble thinking at the moment.? His lips brushed against my smile with each of his words.

?You cheater,? I chastised him, though didn't pull away. My hand removed itself from his body, however, and was put behind my back. ?There, now you can think.?

?Spaghetti. Reminds me of home.?

?Finally, something we both like.? Even though he?d broken the rules already, I awarded him with a kiss for answering. ?Your turn.? My hand may or may not have made an appearance again.

As I watched, his chest was rising and falling quite visibly. Seemed like his breath was stolen by something; quite possibly the placement of my hand again. ?Favorite color?? he asked.

?Can sunrise be an answer? All the colors in sunrise.? I'd spent so long in space that sunrises were hardly ever witnessed. There was another kiss, this one a little deeper and lasting a few moments longer. ?Favorite..uhh...animal.. I was having trouble concentrating myself, now.

?Ah. Dogs.?

?Dog person...it figures.?

?Favorite book??

?I hate reading.? I rolled away from him, and when I turned to face him my eyes begged him to chase me. I got to my knees, ready to take flight should her give chase.

?I don't really have a favorite book.? He began crawling toward me, his hair was a mess and his eyes wild. ?Going somewhere??

?Mmm...seeing if you can catch me. If you can, I'll answer any question you can come up with honestly.?

?Oh yeah? What if I don't catch you?? He then crouched, almost a runner's stance.

?Then I leave and you won't see me until tomorrow....maybe.? I took off without warning, my laughter filtering through the night air as I ran. The tight dress pants gave me a slight disadvantage, but I tried to remain out of reach. He was right behind me a moment later.

?I hope you know that you're gonna go down hard when I get you!?

?When you get me?? I scoffed. ?You'll have to catch me first!? Thankfully I?d been graced with the legs of a dancer and was pretty fast. If I?d been trying, I may have been able to outrun him, but as it was I wanted his arms around her and I slowed to watch him over my shoulder as we ran. Suddenly, he leaped. His arms wrapped around me and we tumbled to the ground. He turned his body so he?d take the brunt of the impact and I fell on top of him. Within seconds he?d rolled over and had me pinned to the grass. His body weight was a welcome pressure.

?Yeah. When.? He grinned broadly.

My body was on fire as my arms encircled his torso, fingers linking as my grip around him tightened. ?Too quick for me, I guess.?

?Yeah yeah. I think you might've wanted me to catch you!? The back of his fingertips brushed against my cheek, the grin turning into a gentle smile. ?I think I got your nice clothes dirty. Gonna have to get you out of them to clean them.?

?No... I can't stay the night again. He's already mad, and I'll only get away with disappearing for a couple hours. We've already been out here a while. So what's your question??

?If you can't stay the night, then how about right now?" If that had been his question, any answer was sure to take a moment to come, since he pressed a kiss to my lips. I?d had an answer for that immediately, but kissing Danny was rather enjoyable so I stayed quiet. My breathing quickened as my hands wove through his hair. Danny deepened the kiss and I darted my tongue out to flick against his. After several minutes I reluctantly pulled away.

?We'll freeze...and it's dirty.?

?Then we'd better be fast getting back to Kesey.?

I shook my head and bit my lip. ?You're so demanding.? I smiled. ?I'm not giving in every night...especially since I know I won't have the power to leave after we start. Tomorrow,? I whispered the promise, green eyes on his face. ?If I can get away.?

There was a small nod, even if it was hard to hide the look of disappointment on his face. He unlocked himself from my embrace and stood, holding his hands down to help me up. ?You're right, this is going to be hard.?

After being helped up, I sighed longingly. ?Yeah, it is. But tomorrow will be better because of it. I'll do my best to get away, but I may be doing damage control. I don't know,? I whispered, stepping close to kiss him once more. ?I'll let you know what's going on.?

?Right,? he answered quietly, hands going into his pockets. ?You should go before it gets later.?

When I got back to Vagabond, Wyatt looked depressed as ever. A stab of guilt washed through me as we crawled into bed for the night. He turned his back to me. Never once had we not lain in each others arms while we slept. It took me a while to finally fall asleep. Guilt does that to a person.

Text Transcript of an excerpt from Video Log 47- /'10


A lot has happened since Wyatt left me. It hurts. I know it was my fault, but it still hurts knowing that once

again I?ve ruined a good thing. I promised myself I would never do it again. Even the thought of creating one

single ounce of hurt in Danny?s life makes my chest constrict painfully. There is always that little voice in

the back of my mind telling me that he, like every other man in my life, deserves better. I want to be

better, but it?s difficult. Bad things happened when I try to be good. I guess it?s that whole Karma thing. I?ve

done bad things and I?m not supposed to be happy. The thing is, I am happy right now. I feel so content with

Danny. But that?s what scares me. I just know something bad is coming.

Hello Karma, Goodbye Dannyboy
"Told you something bad was about to happen."

---

I knew something was wrong the moment I tried to hug him. He tightened his arms closer to his body as I approached and grimaced. I froze, a look of confusion spoiling my face.

?Sarah, I don?t know what to say.? He was still frowning; he seemed unsettled, his body appeared tense.

My arms dropped and shoulders drooped. I was foolishly afraid he could hear my heart beating, the fear of what he was about to say made the blood race through my veins. It was painful. I urged him to tell me and when he did, I wanted to scream.

?Lizzie came back.? He said. I wanted to interrupt him, but the words refused to form on my tongue. It was as though my motor skills ceased to function and I had to endure his lame explanation. ?And? I don?t know, I never thought she would. I never planned for it or anything. I explained it all to her and?? he sighed, rubbing the back of his head. ?I think we?re gonna try to pick up where we left off.? If I could have laughed, I would have. ?And I don?t know if it?s the right thing, or even what I want the most?but I owe it to her. I did the same thing to her before and? I don?t know.?

I stood there, resolute, staring at him throughout the monologue. I was working hard to keep my breathing even and my face emotionless. But if he knew me at all, my tongue ring clattering against my teeth would have given me away in a second. I didn?t know how to respond but I knew I had to save face. I went for the throat. He?d absolutely crushed me and my pride refused to let that be shown. ?Don?t worry about it, Dannyboy. I know how these things go.? Boy did I. ?It was good sex while it lasted.?

I watched as his eyebrows lifted in response, like he was surprised or something. Good. ?I?m sorry, Sarah. I? I really do care about you. It was more than just sex, and I don?t know is I thought it would ever turn into that.? At that, I could feel the nausea sweep over me. He?d just said it was more than sex, something I felt as well, and he was breaking up with me? Why are men so complicated? ?God, parts of me wanted to come over here and not say anything and just keep what we had going. But that wouldn?t be fair. To any of us.?

I laughed at him, but it was strained. My heart wasn?t in it. I fought the nausea that came in waves. It killed me to be so callous, but this was the only way to salvage what was left of my heart. ?Obviously don?t care enough,? I snapped, moving towards the door with a sigh.

?I do care?? It looked like he wanted to protest more, but I cut him off.

?Don?t worry about me. Boys like you are a dime a dozen. You have fun with Lizzie, hope she doesn?t leave you again.? There, it was the worst I could come up with seeing as how all I really wanted to do was break down and beg him not to go. I frowned, opening the door in an unspoken request for him to leave. The tears suddenly came in a rush and pooled in my angry eyes, but thankfully they didn?t fall. The show of weakness infuriated me further, my knuckles turned white as my grip on the door handle tightened.

When he stepped onto the porch, I slammed the door closed, half hoping I hit him on the way out. I sank to the floor and let the tears fall, trying not to picture the way he looked heartbroken and torn.

Text Transcript from Video Log 52- /'10



I guess I'm not doing much to repay my debt to Karma. I told myself I was going to be better. That I was

going to stop dicking around. Everyone wants the bad girl for a night...no one wants to keep her. I was

supposed to be good. But after what happened with Danny and no matter how much I know I should stop

what I'm doing, I just can't seem to change. I just went right back to all the illegal things, using

people......It's comfortable. Maybe I'm not meant to be a good person. Maybe all I'm good for in this life

are bad things. Wouldn't surprise me. I'd been dealt a bad hand from the very beginning. I can't believe

they've been gone 17 years. Everyone I knew and loved was erased from my life. I wonder what horrors I've

done in a previous life to be handed this...this... I don't even know what to say. I'm torn. Go back to how I was,

or tough it out and change who I am. I want to be better. I just don't know how.

Absolute Immersion


I was a little retrospective on the walk home, but that was probably because I had enough whiskey in me to drown a grown man after the hours and hours I spent drinking with Quinn. Not about anything in particular at first, just flashes of my life and the choices I?d made over the years. How each of them made me the person I was today. Not everything made me proud and then one person?s face in particular began to stand out.

Jordan?s reappearance had caught me off guard. But it wasn?t him that had my memories stirring. It was Wyatt. What sucked was that I couldn?t remember him smiling, no, all I could picture was the look on his face the day he left me.

?F*ck that,? I muttered under my breath, pausing beneath a street lamp to light a fourth cigarette. When my mind went crazy like this, I often tended to chain smoke.

I tucked my hand into my pocket and turned to watch the street. While I stood there smoking, my thoughts began to drift once more, this time to Alain. His recent engagement rubbed me the wrong way, though I couldn?t exactly come up with a proper excuse as to why. I didn?t even really like Alain. The Baron was good for one thing, however, and I pulled my hand out of my pocket. In my fisted hand was the piece of paper he?d handed to me earlier. Unfolding the paper, I looked down just long enough to read what he?d written.

Katlyn Marx - 15
Lydia Roush - 15
Willow Paisley - 17

Each name was scrawled in Alain?s handwriting. I flipped the paper over to briefly scan the other side. It was empty; he?d just given me names. The snow crunched under my boots as I started moving again, deep in thought once more. Of course Alain would have done some digging for me after our first conversation and these girls were suspected to be connected. Judging by their ages, I assumed they were dolls. I knew almost immediately that I was supposed to find them.

When I got home I tossed my keys on the coffee table. Looked like Alex wasn?t here tonight, normally he crashed on my couch. En route to the bathroom I saw that the spare bedroom door was closed, so I peeked in. There was Alex looking like he?d collapsed into bed. He was face down in his suit, still wearing his shoes. From the light of the tv he?d left on, I could see he was breathing so I wasn?t worried.

Closing the door, I smiled to myself. If Alex had crashed in the spare room instead of the couch, that must have meant Yoji was here. Alex didn?t like when Yoji came over, must be homophobic. I poked my head in my room to see a large, muscular Asian sleeping in my bed and smiled.

Around 4am I stood in my bathroom clutching a towel around my body. Standing in front of the mirror, I reached forward to wipe through the foggy condensation and stared at my reflection. A freshly dyed, stark blonde stared back at me. Though seeing my original hair color made me feel good inside, I couldn?t smile. This was the first step down a road that I wasn?t sure I?d be able to get off.

?Katlyn Marx,? I said to myself, opening the cabinet to pull down a box of metal studs and rings. One by one I filled each empty piercing on my face: Eyebrow, nose, lower lip, then the empty holes in the cartilage of my ears.

?Lydia Roush.? Exhaustion was just on the horizon, but during my walk home I?d made up my mind. I couldn?t waste anymore time tempting karma. I knew what I needed to do, there was no turning back.

?Willow Paisely.? Nevermind that this would probably kill me.