Appropriate, I should think, that I have spent the night in bad dreams.
Dreams of being...alone, of being abandoned, of driving that which I have loved away, all in a moment of childish stupidity. Haunted by my own ignorance of what I have done, without thought or consideration for what it might do.
I used to be so much better than this, and somewhere along the line, I seem to have slipped. I know I am better than that, to hurt someone in ignorance and a stupid fit of impulsiveness.
And now that they have seen that part of myself, how do I convince them that what they stumbled upon is not truly what exists here, in the core of my thoughts and feeling and being?
That they were, in fact, right to love me, that I am - however flawed - the one person that will never hurt them?
By action, I suppose, rather than word.
Would it make her feel better to tell her that once I realized what I had done, I hurt as much as she did? That it was like someone had pressed a splinter of ice into my own heart, that I had and have been since that moment haunted and in fear of the moment when I should see her again and see in those lovely eyes only a cold dismissal?
In truth, I would not blame her at all. I would endeavor to try and try and try to make her see that the pain I caused is something she will never have to experience from me, either until I won her confidence or all hope was lost.
Stupid, stupid, STUPID.
Even if I am forgiven by the one I hurt, it will be much longer before I forgive myself.
Dreams of being...alone, of being abandoned, of driving that which I have loved away, all in a moment of childish stupidity. Haunted by my own ignorance of what I have done, without thought or consideration for what it might do.
I used to be so much better than this, and somewhere along the line, I seem to have slipped. I know I am better than that, to hurt someone in ignorance and a stupid fit of impulsiveness.
And now that they have seen that part of myself, how do I convince them that what they stumbled upon is not truly what exists here, in the core of my thoughts and feeling and being?
That they were, in fact, right to love me, that I am - however flawed - the one person that will never hurt them?
By action, I suppose, rather than word.
Would it make her feel better to tell her that once I realized what I had done, I hurt as much as she did? That it was like someone had pressed a splinter of ice into my own heart, that I had and have been since that moment haunted and in fear of the moment when I should see her again and see in those lovely eyes only a cold dismissal?
In truth, I would not blame her at all. I would endeavor to try and try and try to make her see that the pain I caused is something she will never have to experience from me, either until I won her confidence or all hope was lost.
Stupid, stupid, STUPID.
Even if I am forgiven by the one I hurt, it will be much longer before I forgive myself.