Topic: Voices in the Wind

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-02 16:28 EST
Appropriate, I should think, that I have spent the night in bad dreams.

Dreams of being...alone, of being abandoned, of driving that which I have loved away, all in a moment of childish stupidity. Haunted by my own ignorance of what I have done, without thought or consideration for what it might do.

I used to be so much better than this, and somewhere along the line, I seem to have slipped. I know I am better than that, to hurt someone in ignorance and a stupid fit of impulsiveness.

And now that they have seen that part of myself, how do I convince them that what they stumbled upon is not truly what exists here, in the core of my thoughts and feeling and being?

That they were, in fact, right to love me, that I am - however flawed - the one person that will never hurt them?

By action, I suppose, rather than word.

Would it make her feel better to tell her that once I realized what I had done, I hurt as much as she did? That it was like someone had pressed a splinter of ice into my own heart, that I had and have been since that moment haunted and in fear of the moment when I should see her again and see in those lovely eyes only a cold dismissal?

In truth, I would not blame her at all. I would endeavor to try and try and try to make her see that the pain I caused is something she will never have to experience from me, either until I won her confidence or all hope was lost.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID.

Even if I am forgiven by the one I hurt, it will be much longer before I forgive myself.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-02 20:57 EST
I hate seeing pain inflicted.

Truly I do. I hate it more when I am the one who does it.

Not the physical pain, I might add. Physical pain is nothing, and most times doesn't leave so much as a scar. Maybe a bruise, a temporary reminder of where damage was done.

No, the worst kind of pain is the emotional, the kind that leaves the scars you can't even see most times, but is always there, just waiting to remind you like some terrible jack-in-the-box waiting to sock you in the stomach and steal your breath.

I was given something precious.

Something you cannot put a price on, and I was given it freely.

And I damn near threw it away, just because of my own flawed perceptions.

Why? Why would I do such a foolish thing?

In truth, I have never come across something so lovely, in so many different ways. And to know that I did any kind of damage...it's a worse torture to me than being denied it.

She thinks she was tested.

No.

I was tested.

And I failed. Miserably. Questioned what I knew to be true, what I knew for a fact, more than I am certain of the air in my own lungs.

I knew. Even what little doubting part of me there is knew the gift of her love for a solid fact, beyond denial.

I cannot fail such a lovely gift again.

I will not.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-06 20:51 EST
No sleep last night. At least, not until dawn was breaking over the horizon.

All weekend, I couldn't find it.

That small, little part of me that is connected.

Well, that's not strictly true - it was there, all right. But not like it has been, not that always-constant presence that soothes my mind and makes my heart beat harder, faster.

But that dream, though...

It was like being farther than ever away, and at the same time closer, more...intimate. Wierd.

I missed that...that almost burning presence that is always with me, whenever we're awake, wherever I may be, whatever I may be doing. Like a fire that I hold in my mind, my heart and soul, my little secret flame that warms me when I'm coldest.

And it wasn't there.

I missed you. When I don't feel you there, it's like being empty, like being hollow and cold.

When you are there, when I can feel you, it hurts sometimes, realizing that, even though I have you, I can't truly possess you...

...but I'd rather have the pain than the emptiness.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-07 00:18 EST
Life is not a game.

And yet we are all players nonetheless.

I know it's just my own little...insecurities. My own small, gnawing doubts. That what has happened before, so many times, will happen again. Is happening again.

That I'm losing her.

That she's pulled away.

Thanks to me and my boneheadedness.

I hate those quiet, nagging doubts. Like rats, gnawing on my insides.

I can't lose her - it'd be like someone tearing out my heart and replacing it with a chunk of dry ice.

I know it's just those stupid little doubts, but why should they hold so much of a sway?

I don;t know why I'm putting this all here. Maybe to give those thoughts a voice - I remember seeing something that one of my favorite authors wrote once, that the human thought process isn't complete without some form of articulation, and this is the best one I have. I've always been able to write exceptionally well.

Speaking, not so much.

If she should read this, she should know I don't put this here to make her feel bad or to try to mess with her mind or...any of that crap. I don;t do that, despite the one stupid and very costly mistake. She should never doubt herself. She's the most wonderful woman I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and that's saying quite a bit.

But I do want her to know that I love her. And I will do whatever it takes to keep that precious gift she gave me.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-07 21:00 EST
They say if you love something, you should let it go...if it comes back to you, it is yours.

And if it doesn't, it never was.

Sounds easy enough.

I just can't bring myself to do it...because I'm afraid.

Well, terrified, if you want to know the truth.

Of the if it doesn't.

If any two words could define my life in this one moment, they would be 'what if.'

I hate those words...because right now I'm afraid they're going to break me.

yeah, I put on the toughest of faces. Most people looking at me don't have a clue what I'm thinking, or feeling, or...any of it. Hell, a lot of the people I work with are terrified of me.

I'm not entirely sure why, but then again, I know something they don't.

That under the badass exterior is an interior that is surprisingly fragile, easy to break and crush. All it takes is the right person getting in there, and I'm vulnerable.

Do you know how long it's been since someone was able to do that?

Of course not. I'm not even sure I know anymore. Well, not when the time prior to this was. I had thought that I had become jaded, hardened by the last one to do it, and what they did with what they found in there.

I had never imagined that someone else could do it.

And now I'm afraid. I know I screwed up, and it was no small error at that. But I was afraid before that, too. The difference now is that it's a hundred times worse, and the very worst part of it is that if the fear ends up being right I'll have no one to blame but myself.

I can't let her go, even if I know I should just to see if she comes back...because I'm terrified.

What if she doesn't?

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-10 17:58 EST
...set it free.

If it comes back, it is yours.

If it doesn't...well, we know how that goes, right?

You're free to go. It hurts like hell, and if I could, I'd go back in time and beat the idiot at the keyboard silly before he could type and tell him what a terrible mistake he's making. I know him pretty well...if he'd known it was going to hurt you this bad, he never would have done it at all.

Not that that excuses what was done, not in the slightest.

I would stay if I could, but knowing what I had and lost...what I'll never have again...

God, I want to stay and fight for it! I had hoped you would let me. I STILL hope you'll let me, how crazy is that?

I'm setting you free.

I'm hoping you'll return.

If you don't, never forget you always and forever have my heart and soul.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-10 17:58 EST
You know, on second thought, I think I like my version of this old saying better. It goes something like this.

"If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it is yours.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and drag it back."

I can't leave - it's not that easy.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-10 18:16 EST
There is always hope. Even at the depths of despair, as I've often been, there is always a gleam of hope, a tiny spark waiting to be fanned into a flame, if you know just where to look.

I may just be overly optimistic, of course. One of my favorite questions of all time is the eternal quandary of whether the glass is indeed half-full or half-empty.

I say neither. What truly matters is that there is still something in it to be had.

I had little enough, for what happened was of my doing, my mistake, and had I the brains enough to see the consequences, it would never have happened. I was fortunate enough to be granted a chance again.

I'll have no need for a third.

A heart is a fragile thing, even one such as mine, hardened as it has been by past abuses and injuries inflicted upon it by the uncaring. She has been far kinder to mine than I have any right to expect or really even deserve, and I intend to show her the same in return. Not because I have to, but because I want to give her what she really deserves...someone who will love her, show her kindness, show her gentleness, show her how rare and beautiful a flower she truly is.

It is not hers to make right.

It's mine.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-22 20:26 EST
Patience, my friend.

Patience.

Persistence.

Constancy.

Even in the face of adversity, those three things can allow you to persevere.

I try, really. But I can feel that distance. That...coldness.

I come here, every night, with my heart in my throat as though I were a love-struck, starry-eyed teenager again, waiting on pins and needles for the one I love to appear, and I take all the pleasure I can from just being in that prescence.

But still, there's athat underlying coldness, a distance I can't seem to get around or through.

My fault, I know. I'll do all I can to get through again.

But still, sometimes, I wonder.

Was it all an illusion? Was it something so illusory that perhaps I only imagined it, that it could all be taken apart so easily?

I had thought it was a bond so much stronger than that. Was I wrong?

I don't truly know. It could be those stupid, nagging doubts having their way with me again, as they so often do. Part of me hopes I was right, that that warmth is still there, and I'm only imagining the cold.

The distance.

The other part...isn't so sure.

Eternally the optimist, I keep trying.

Hoping.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-23 23:55 EST
Fear.

I thought I was past that.

Or at least, I had hoped I was. Apparently, not, though...I've found another one.

And even though it's there, I can't bring myself to give it a voice.

Sometimes, I can feel the hope there. That what once was can be again.

Slowly but surely, though, it's being outweighed by the despair.

By the fear.

I know the way I feel is real. Even with that...fear...I feel just the same, filled by it, consumed, a thrill of warmth and sensation so great it threatens to tear me apart, so great that it's painful at times, that it makes me catch my breath.

But the fear...

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-10-28 16:19 EST
Does she know?

Does she know the depth of love I have for her?

Does she know that at there is nothing I could deny her?

Does she know that she is the last thought that crosses my mind when sleep claims me? That she is the first thought I have upon waking? That she is with me, in my thoughts when I am awake and my dreams when I sleep, that not a moment passes in which she is not on my mind?

I have been in love - really, truly in love - one time in my life before now. I had thought I had found my other half, the piece of myself I was missing, that part that all of us are missing and only a very select few are so fortunate to find. That one time...ended badly. I dedicated my whole life to this one, and in the end, it turned out, I was the only one who felt as I did. I was used, then discarded.

I had been afraid that this was the case again. How foolish I was!

This is the second time I have been so madly, completely in love. Only this time, it is so...different.

Stronger. Deeper. Fuller.

Happier.

I'm not afraid anymore. But neither do I think she knows.

She doesn't know that before her, my heart was empty, blank, devoid of love or any real depth of feeling. What I may have felt for anyone else was only a facsimile of emotions. A shallow copy without any real substance.

She doesn't know that she brought me back from the brink of being lost forever, from the edge of giving up on love.

She doesn't know that I will love her my whole life, no matter what may come. Whatever may develop from this, that feeling, that depth of love and feeling and passion that she has awoken in me, will never fade, never grow dim, never die.

I am hers.

Always.

Forever.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-11-15 14:47 EST
Many are the words I wish I had to, somehow, quantify my feelings for her.

I don't think there are words that have been created that can possibly encompass the way I feel. I tell her I love her, and yet that doesn't even come close to covering it. Three such small words cannot possibly cover the entire range of feelings that come over me whenever just her name enters my thoughts.

I spend my nights in dreams of such heavenly bliss that I wish I never had to wake, and when I do wake, her name is on my lips. Days are spent in aching hunger for her touch, her mere presence, and the feeling can only be described as complete happiness whenever I feel her in my heart.

And when I finally have her near, the time flies along. Before I know it, we have to part again. But for that little space of time, nothing else exists but her and me, our own little world that we have created for ourselves. Nothing else matters but the fact of her arms and lips and skin, so real that all else seems but a passing illusion.

This is my reality, this is my world - with her. The rest of my life is but a facade, an empty act that must be tolerated but, for all its emptiness, is still filled by her. Her face, her words, her touch sustain me in the times that I have to be apart from her, filling me with love and joy that I cannot begin to describe.

I thought I knew what love was before.

How very, very wrong I was. That was just a mere shadow, a grain of sand in a desert, compared to this.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-11-20 00:42 EST
Never have I heard such a beautiful voice.

Never have I wanted so much to reach out to you, to touch you, to kiss you, to hold you.

Never in my life have I felt so nervous, so excited, so purely in love with someone, with just the sound of their voice in my ears.

And certainly, never have I wanted to hear their voice so much again. I will be waiting for you, my dearest love.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-11-20 21:07 EST
I came and hoped to see you. And while I may not have seen you as I am used to doing, it was just as much as I could have hoped for to see your words, the message meant just for me.

If I had been asked if that connection could have grown any stronger before yesterday, I might have said no. Such would have been said not out of doubt, but for the simple fact that I have never felt anything so strongly throughout my life.

And yet, today, it is even stronger. You are closer to me, more real, more substantial than ever before.

So much was said, and yet not enough, even in that timeless expanse which passed far, far too quickly. The story of our lives, right?

Your voice, every note, every syllable, has rung in my ears so loudly since that hour that I have been able to hear little else. It is impossible for me to fathom how I could ever have heard a voice so sweet to my ears that it affected me in every single way imaginable.

What I would not give to hear that voice every day in my ears. Speaking, whispering, even yelling and screaming...I could not fail to love every word from your lips.

I still hear you speaking those words, those three little words. A siren's song, beckoning my attention, bringing my spirit ever closer to yours.

I still hear them, even to the point of feeling soft breath on my skin as they are said, over and over again.

Forever changed, indeed, my love.

I am forever yours, and yours alone.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-11-23 00:11 EST
I once read a book by Madeleine L'engle. Perhaps you've heard of it - A Wrinkle In Time.

I do love that book, from beginning to end, but amongst its pages I found a phrase that I have been waiting my whole life to find someone to apply it to.

"...you are my darling and my dear and the light of my life and the treasure of my heart and I love you..."

Okay, so it's being said by a girl about her brother, but who cares?

I don't care who it's being said by, or to, in the original context. What matters is that it applies perfectly to the way I feel about you.

My Darling.

My Dear.

Light of my life.

Treasure of my heart.

I love you so very much, more than even these words could possibly say.

None can claim my heart and soul as you have. For now, for always, for all time, I am forever yours.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2009-12-07 14:37 EST
I had a rather fascinating thought.

It's funny, but last night I came to the realization that I find it difficult to imagine a time I was not in love with you.

Well, wait. That's not completely true.

What I mean to say is, I find it impossible to imagine a time when I was not in love with you.

It's as if I have loved you my entire life, as far back as I can remember, and finally realized it when, finally, I found you. It's the most amazing thing to me, to have found the one person I can't imagine not having been in love with, that I could not imagine my life without.

I remember every time we've spoken, and from the very first time, it is as if I were already loving you.

I have heard the words 'the love of my life' spoken, read them written, many, many times.

Truly, I did not understand the meaning of those words until now.

Rider of the Winds

Date: 2010-01-04 23:02 EST
You weren't here tonight.

I know that what you are going through is hard, my love, and that perhaps you needed a break. I can't help but worry that you are well, but I understand. Wherever you are, please know that my thoughts and my love are with you as well. Take as long as you need.

I'll be here waiting.