12/11

Well, I don't really know what to truly say.. I mean it's been a long time since I tried this, and the last time was kinda forced.. But that wasn't this book, and that wasn't this time.. I guess the best way to start this is with three words.. 'I am free'

That's the best way I can put it out there. I have a woman I love like no other, and to no end. She loves me the same.. It's been hard for us, especially since I came out of another relationship, and have a child from that one as well. Still, she gave me a shot, and more importantly stayed with me, and now we are starting on our own path.

So much has happened, that I cannot put it into words by any means. A great deal of trouble, and good as well. Regardless of what it was, I would go through all of the bad again, in a heart beat. Cause I know it would all be worth it again, to know she was waiting for me. Knowing she would be there, that's all I would need. A moot point, yes. But a point none the less.

We have our own place now, we used to live together in a communal type place, but that honestly was not for me at present, as I felt I was using it as a crutch of sorts. It was a Sanctuary with her sisters, and I love em all dearly and they have done so much for me, that I could never truthfully thank them properly enough. In truth I needed to get back in the saddle and move foward.. She decided to move foward with me, and we haven't looked back.

Never have I been as one with someone, in the manner I am with her. She is the most amazing person I have ever met and I cannot begin to imagine my life without her. Her name is Jenai, and she is my other in all things great and small. She has opened my eyes to so much, and helped me to be a much better person.. Especially when I look back on past entries here. I feel so much better, and she is the reason.. She started me on this path, and our families have also stepped in, and honestly I would be nothing without her or any of them.

I stand atop a peak and look below and see that all those burdens I placed upon myself were meaningless, and small in the scheme of things, that I have better things to do than to be angry or saddened and a new direction to move foward to, and she has decided to move foward with me. I am one blessed individual.. I wish I made more sense, and maybe next time I try this I will.. They will be home shortly, and I need to catch a quick nap before they arrive as I have been going non stop getting the new room ready, and with all the shopping. This was different.. Writing like this, but in a sense it was nice.

12/14 part II

I'm back.. It's been a few hours. I needed to meditate, and get myself together. Maybe now I can make sense of this. Or at least put it to paper so it makes sense.

I can still feel him, to some degree.. Maybe it's just me, honestly I haven't been able to tell. It's been so long since Jewell sealed it away, and since Lucy took it from me, or rather the majority of it. I still retained something, barely anything if at all. Well, that was until I felt certain tugs.. Then I knew when I felt her and she felt me for a time. That last piece was there, somewhere.

I put a lot of time into supressing this, the the 'link' so to speak.. I am sure she has as well, as honestly it is something we both no not want by any means! Well it's diminished and is basically nothing anymore. Yet there are times, I can still feel it somewhere. Like a passing thought, that was forgotten a long time ago. I fought hard to keep that in check, and yet in one fell swoop I felt it all nearly go to hell in an instant. I don't what her purpose was.. I mean I know she wanted to hurt Moon. But I do not know why she pressed upon me what she did.

The pain I could deal with, it was what happened inside.. I felt her there, gods it was sickening. I haven't felt like that in-- Well in a long time. I saw visions, of my past. Acts I commited, things I said and more. People I hurt, people I may hurt.. People she hurt, people he hurt. I was sick, no bones about it.. Sick. I won't lie. Part of me wanted to give in, part of me wanted to just let it go and let it out. Release what was left, so to speak. I heard it, and it spoke to me, said it wanted to be whole again, all I had to do was let go.

But.. I wouldn't do it. I heard her as well, taunting and laughing. That was expected of course. It's what she does. I do not know why she does what she does, and I will not try to ask her, or find out myself. All I know is that they both tried, and failed. I would not be broken. Not by them, not by anyone else! I will not give up this 'mortal shell' as she put it, or anything else. I dug deep, and I found something.. Something that was so strong, it broke the chains that bound. Something that would not let me give in, and would not forgive me if I had. It was my heart, Jenai.

Neither Darkin, nor Ren could understand that. Nor could they supress it, or break me of it. Course I don't presume to think they want to 'break' me, more so than to just complete him. I am of no consequence to either and I know that, and am thankful for it. It's hard to wonder which one is in charge at times with them, and honestly I kick myself when I ponder it too much.

All I know, is I was not a good person then. I did in fact wield the Gauntlet and hurt many in the process, I lost myself in it and even gave a part of myself, I killed, I stole, I lied and cheated, manipulated an worse. And I do not just mean in regards to the women I had been with. I know exactly why many do not trust me, and why many despised me, why those closest to me were cast aside. Why I lead myself to wearing a collar and worse. I did it, and it is done. It's that easy. And even when I came back, after my years away I was still lost, and went astray. I said and did things I wish I hadn't. But I can't take em back, and honestly I wouldn't bother to.

I don't care about where I went before, and who I was. I don't care about what everyone says, or what she and he say and show me. I don't shoulder burdens from years ago anymore, and I won't start again. I spent too much time looking over my shoulders, and do not wish to do so ever again. The only direction I want to look to, is foward. Foward with my Jenai. I paid for what I did, and I live my life as I truly wished it to be, so long ago.

I have all I need save one thing, and one day that too will come to pass. It's late.. I'm tired, I'm sore and Jen is here next to me snoozing away, looking amazing in the process. I know I am not making much sense anymore, hell maybe after 15 hours of sleep i will. All I know, is that I didn't break, and I won't. Not for them, not for anyone. I have too much to live for.

12/23



I recovered from the night with 'Team Rocket' and 'Wyeowth', Icer and everything else. Day came, and Jen and I slept in. Those late for breakfast kinda mornings rock, hands down. I am one lucky brah.

Made arrangements for insurance coverage in regards to the bounty hunting group, still have some slots open and some ideas on who I'd like to fill em, but with all that's on my plate that's an after thought for the time being.

Went into the Inn and met with Jewell, we saw Leslie who claims to be Alex's daughter. She was with Cassie and Lex, and Jewell wasn't too happy. I can't lie, I was a bit confused. Mainly cause I hadn't seen Alex since before his 'death' or whatever it was. I miss him.. I mean he is right there and yet maybe he isn't. Maybe I'll have the courage to talk to him. I'd like to, and Jen says 'all in good time' and what not. Maybe I am growing up or something, but don't tell anyone, then they will expect me to act more responsibly. Pshaw! Pshaw.. Is that a word!?

Leslie seems nice enough, and Cassie seems to have taken to her somewhat, Alex looked pleasant enough as they spoke. So who knows. Jewell also said Amanda wasn't keen in Skyler moving in, can't say I blame her, but I am sure she will get used to it. It reminded me of all the hell Jen and I got when we told everyone about us. Some were accepting, others said she was 'the other woman' I was some kind of a perv for being with someone as young as she is, granted I am in my late twenties.. Okay that's a lie, but I look it. Heh. Skyler is good for her, and good to her, and thats all I care about. Just like Jen is good for me.

Lessee.. Saw Charlotte and Dakota finally, they looked good and seemed to have just gotten back from their honeymoon. I'm glad to see them that happy, they deserve that and so much more. I really wish em the best, and wish I had been more courteous to Dakota when he approahed Jenai and I. Who knows, maybe I'll drum up an apology to him.. I'm still sore over that Rosie deal, but that more than likely is a lifetime ago for him given that time difference they have opposed to us, I'd be best to let it lie and just talk to him, maybe if I get the chance. Still it was good to see them in good health and what not. Seeing them like that certifies to me that going our seperate ways was the best. Cause are truly happy, and I know Jen and I are as well. A win/win indeed. I miss him tho, but I know it'll never be like it was, but that doesn't mean we can't talk and be pleasant. Right?

Left the Inn, and waited for Jenai in the market place and got the F*cking shock of my life. Jen comes outta the shoppe arms full of shopping bags and sets em down, and-- Well let's say she was sans clothes save her boots and winter coat. That's some dangerous stuff.. I mean, wow.. For once, I didnt have anything to say, I was stunned. We get a bit cozy and what not, I mean not many people are around, and come on, she is dressed like a flasher! How could I not?! Well, dont worry I didnt.. Not there at least, before anyting happened some old ladies thought I was 'accosting' Jen and beat the shit outta me with their purses and bags! I was cornered, and Jen got a free walk, and made for home while i was chased all over!

Guards show and I explain and head home.. We picked up where we left off.. I love winter and learned something.. If you're gonna get frisky, dont do it in the open like that, and purses with bricks hurt like HELL..

12/30


What a night! It started off alone, as I went thru paperwork and what not, I saw Natsuki again. A real sweet girl she is. Lyds and Icer showed up in the Hall too, then I got attacked by a JenJen, and so much for my work.

Than Alex and Lain showed up, and spent the near entire evening with us. We told old stories about Alex and I, and Jewell and my statue of David and what not. We talked about Bertha and the Wombats (I dont care what ANYONE says, NO one used wombats before Alex did, and myself after him. He was the originator.) and how we used to use the Stew as a tactical weapon. We talked about B-town, and Jen made a suggestion.. That we take a trip there. I was so excited! I had only heard of it from Tasha, and Evin and Glan. But to see it. Awesome.

Even got Lain to guide us, so she and Lex will come along. Man, it was a great night! We also talked about the murders, Alex and Lain offered their help and gave some seriously great insight and a fresh angle too. It was a great help indeed, and helped take some pressure off Jen and I a bit. Man.. After that we just laughed and laughed. I haven't laughed like that in a long time, especially with Alex there. I am so thankful for this 2nd time around of sorts! Jenai was SO right, all things in due time.

We have the dinner tommorow, I can't wait to see everyone and pray we all have a good time.

"I'm done."

'Today, we buried Jewell, and the children.. It was a quiet affair.. Just family, and closest of friends.. This makes ten of our own, that have been in the last decade or so.. Actually, eleven if what I hear of Jade, is in fact true.. And Alex, well we never know, honestly. Trouble with that, is none of us have been able to verify it's validity.

So many gone.. Midara.. Lucy.. Jewell, and the children.. Cher, and Gene. Our next generation.. Gods, in one fell swoop.. I still see their faces, as plainly, as I see myself in the mirror. Each of them, such a joy. It feels, a lifetime ago, I first held Amanda in my arms. The first time, I made one of her favourite drinks, she ever had, in the Inn.. So much.. Gods I miss them, so much.

And where was I.. Not here. I should have been here.. Had I heeded Jewell, back when concerning Darkin, perhaps I would have had more time, with them.. Perhaps, a million other things.. But I know, hindsight, is clear as day, and I know things happen for a reason..

It still doesn't lessen the regret, or pain..

But I know in time, it will pass.

It's been just over a week since my 'return', and the adjustment process had yet to truly begin, as we were thrust into handling the affairs, in the wake of Jewell, and her family.. No complaints, just wishing they were here instead.. I would give nearly, anything.. All that I am, if that were possible.. But I know it is not.

Jenai.. Such a rock, to me.. To the children, and our part of the clan. Had it been her, who had left for nearly a year, I dare say, I would have been a wreck. In my absence, she did what was needed.. Thought it pained her to no end, she did it. I am lucky, to have come back to that.. To her.

Yet, as my door opened.. Jewell's had closed.

It is not fair.

I never imagined, she would go before me.. I imagined, myself first.. As reckless as I was, I nearly knew that to be fact. And defintely us, before her children. Such a life, they had to look foward to. Such possibilities.. The children of some the most incredible beings this realm, had ever known.. Like their parents, now they are gone as well.

But it won't be in vain.

We will make sure, that the possibilities, they would have had, pass on to others, and we will make sure, they in turn, find the heart, to pass it along as well.. We will help, whoever needs it, however we can.. The center, will do a great deal of good, and my sister's idea, will do more, than simply come to fruition.

Other have answered the call, so to speak, and I am so thankful.. Honestly, I do not deserve their assistance, but I accept it openly, and humbly.

So we move foward.. Again. No quarter asked, and none given. My regret, and sadness are left here.

We tighten, the family.. We move foward together, and we cherish all the time, we have.

Together.'