What Was Lost, Final
"The desire is there. Yet, also, is the one to avoid hypocrisy." He looks aside when she moves. Her cigarettes are a reminder that he'd smoked down all the ones he'd brought with him. "He knows what he's doing, enough."
"The thing they don't tell you about hypocrisy, is that it's how you protect the ones you love from feeling the same pain. And sometimes, just sometimes in a certain sort, the guilt cures you of the hypocrisy. How, after all, can you not stand up and fight when you ask others to do the same." She raised her hands to the end of the cigarette, aiming to light it, but no smoke coils there. The absence of it causes her to frown until she pulls it from her lips, unlit. "Anyway, being accountable to someone helps. If you trust them. And even if it is hypocrisy, friends tell you when you need to get your **** together."
Part of his mouth turns up. He's glad for that too, like the man he was not ten minutes prior is now a ghost, a bad memory that he can't fully piece together. "He may be glad to see you," he says, turning at the edge of the desk. He knows the pocket where he keeps his lighter, and comes up with it more swiftly than he had the sketch and notes on Salome. It's unlabeled, its orange acrylic sheer enough to see the lighter fluid within. He offers it to her.
"You think so?" His offering of a lighter clearly pleased her, so said the look of gratitude as she accepted it. It took a moment to remember how to flick it on, but she did so. The lighter and case were placed down on the desk by the bottle. All three items occupied a middle ground, an unspoken offer of sharing. Unlike usual, the smoke didn't sinuously twist away from her. "Has anything else happened I should know about? With you? With anyone?"
"I am not entirely certain." He looks to where she's put them. Takes the bottle, instead, swallows only enough for half a shot. He must have surpassed three, by now. "But if he and I are truly alike in the bruised soul department, I can't see it doing any harm. Your company has always been a great asset."
She considered levity in response, but felt it would cheapen the compliment that actually felt like a balm in that moment, so she refrained. Instead she made slow savoring of the bitter smoke as she waited to hear if he had any other bad news, or merely news.
Silently, he's going down a list. Anything newsworthy, anything different, anything that involves people she knows that will be worth the mention. He thinks she at least knows that Lucy had gotten rid of her ghost. To his chagrin, the only thing that comes to mind are the whereabouts of one last angel. "Leena has left town," he tells her, finally, after a great deal of consideration.
He can cut it off at the pass, this way. He won't be cornered, unprepared to answer this question. They'd ripped off the bandages and the scabs crusting over other silent wounds, why not this one?
If there was consideration for the telling, there was equal consideration for the response. She could count on one hand the number of times he had seen fit to mention Leena, let alone her activities. She wasn't fool enough to think he'd just talk about her plans casually. Much like 'gone' had meant so much more than 'gone', Shae was reasonably certain that 'left town' had a deeper implication. She didn't bother to ask if he was okay. He'd sprinkled enough clues to let her imagine what he had been going through, adjusting to. "You're always welcome to the asset of my company, such as it is. We can talk about something else, if you want."
He has yet to let the bottle go. It rests against the ridge of his low slung belt, the neck pointing away from him at an angle. Its label has notches along its upper line, like it's fallen prey to the picking of his fingernails before. He deepens one of them until it reaches the B. She gives him the option to escape further discussion, but he doesn't like the way he'd left it, like that was all there was to it, and that Leena had been the one at fault.
And so he presses on. Because he feels like it, because he feels like he must, and because he knows he will not want to speak of it again later. "After they'd taken care of their demonic issue, Leena and I left for France together. To get away from town, from familiarity, or responsibility. Memories. Her home country, for the holidays. It seemed like a good idea. But I was not myself then." He peels a coiling strip of paper off the label. "The relationships I'd gathered here had eroded between the time of my resurrection and when we left, and I'd let them. I did not care who I considered close to me, and who I didn't. I withdrew from them all. Leena had enough."
"Had you withdrawn from her, too?" They had run together to France, he had said. An escape with someone you cared about was a gift, usually. The dynamic between himself and Leena was one she had very little first hand reference for, so she tried not to succumb to unwarranted speculation. She focused on what she knew. He said he had not been himself. More than once he had alluded to his nature at low points. Shadows of a self-destructive thing.
"Yes. However, it was nothing she wasn't accustomed to." Turning, he sets the bottle down with a firm thunk. "She's well-versed in such tactics. I seem to have a record. Somewhere 'round the two month marker, wherein my behavior fills an invisible quota for absurdity. It was the same for Salome, four years ago.
"I do not blame her, Shae. I blame neither of them. I regret that it happened, but at present----I would do all that I could to be certain I would never lay eyes upon Leena again. Everything will begin anew, as it had when I discovered she lived."
"Never again?" Unable to keep the note of surprise from her voice. "The last time you two took a break from one another it only seemed to strengthen your relationship, if what I witnessed of your reunion was any indication." Unless she was remembering incorrectly, it had been a collision she had almost felt. "The two month marker of what?"
"She was not meant to come back. She was meant to leave, and stay gone. This time, I would rather it be as it should have been. I've seen her once, and I refuse to let it happen again." He scratches his jaw. "It was two months after Bianca had died that Salome sent me here. It was 'round the same time, after Salome, that Leena decided we part ways."
"Salome came back to help you." Shae observed as neutrally as possible. "But why was Leena meant to stay gone?" He almost made it sound like outside influence rather than personal choices. He'd given her the small window, and it took a great deal for her to choose her questions between slow draws and slower exhales.
His fingers scrape back and forth along his jaw, enough to burn instead of satisfy an itch. He considers the foot of Shae's bed, can still see the imprint he'd left in the covers when he'd sat there. He does not know how to answer her question in a way that is not pathetic, or that does not give too much away. The people of this town, his friends, were not blind, he knew they could see and make their own conclusions, but until he spoke on the matter, that's all they ever had. Their own conclusions. "I regretted telling her to leave, last year, in the minutes that followed the suggestion. She did not wish to linger, to watch what I might do in the service of protecting my friends. And I understood, knowing those lengths. I would not see her in grave peril for the same reasons, and so I told her to leave. And she did, and by the Angel, that was meant to be the end of it. If that is what she wanted, she should have stuck to that. I never understood why I saw her again. Her reappearance and participation in some-----some town dueling tournament made little sense. And I will not have it be said that it was for me," he leans away from the desk, pulls his shoulders up until the muscles of his back stretch. He rolls them, first one, then the other.
"This time, I imagined her decision to originate from the same place. I was not myself, by the Angel, I'm hardly myself now. I am only determined not to return to that state. It has cost me any, and all, that I have ever cared about in this world. And I do not blame her for leaving. I know that I carry wounds that have yet to heal, and I know that I am the only one that can heal them, and put myself back into some state of------" he tosses up one hand, and lets it fall, "-------some semblance of togetherness. If she leaves, she should not come back. Because I will not force myself to get used to the idea that she will not be here, only to see her every time I turn around."
"So she left, and you suggested she do so, because you can't stop being the man that you are. You are afraid she will be hurt, she is afraid to watch you destroy yourself for others." Repeated to make sure she was understanding. "You 'imagined her decision'...so you don't know exactly why this time." The cigarette was spent. She bent down smudging it out on the inner surface of the trash can and then let it fall there. "It's only a very small comfort, but you haven't lost all those who care about you here. Maybe in that world, but not necessarily in this one."
A small sigh, and then: "You may not wholly blame or be able to fault a person for the circumstances in which they walk out of your life. But you're allowed to be angry or hurt by it." One hand came up to tap herself on the breastbone. "To feel undervalued or set aside. It's not wrong to not want to feel a dagger in your chest when you see someone because you can't help but count the days until you don't." Taking a step forward, she tapped his breastbone with much less force than she had poked her own. "Just." She frowned softly at his chest, her eyes slowly lifting to his face. "Don't set your value by the ones who leave. By choice or by necessity. There are people here, myself included, who would have walked into Hell to pull you out of it, if that's what it took."
She pulled her hand back to send it dashing through hair that was drying in a loose pattern of wavy black. "Salome. To Salome you meant that much. No matter how broken you feel you are. Sure, the two of you, you had days where you couldn't stand each other. Maybe you were better at a distance than up close for the sake of her heart and your sanity. But she still loved you." Here a shaky breath. "Fox. Fox has hurt me and fought with me. We have been tied together out of necessity, but I still cannot imagine the person I would be without him. Even if I were to never speak to him again, those years of the two of us alone would still be the thing that saved my life when I needed it."
She was rambling, but half of it was for herself as much as it was for him. "I can't say for sure, but if I had to guess, the Leena that came back for you may not have been able to stay. She may not be able to stay, but like Salome, I can't really believe she would keep herself away if her presence was the thing that would save you. Even if the return was temporary. And maybe that's what the last one was. Temporary." One more dagger to the heart to plug the hole. "Because I know, at least, that she must have loved you. She was not Bianca."
He sighs after he's done, it gets lost behind her voice when she starts, and for a while, all he can do is listen to her. He does not know what to say, part of him feels like he shouldn't say anything. That now isn't the time for speech, that he's said enough. He frowns when she approaches but does not pull away when she thunks him lightly in the chest. He looks down at himself first, then back to her, the clean line of his scowl collapsing when she mentions Salome. He exhales, low and tight, rubs the spot between his brows until it turns red under his fingertips. He doesn't want to think about her. He, even less, wants to think about Leena, nor does he want to hear an interpretation of her actions, even if it comes from a place of concern and affection.
And he certainly does not want to hear that she'd loved him. Loved, with a D, past tense now and mutilated. Because that meant at one point she did, and then something had changed. Perhaps they both had. Too much in the years they'd spent apart. But when they came together, it was easy to forget that.
He pulls his hand down his face, rubs his mouth until it's raw. Closes his eyes, and nods. He at least agrees with Shae on one crucial point. "No. She isn't."
Whatever steam she had for that outpouring, she's run out of it. Shae felt like she had been wrung out by several means. Regardless of whether or not she had intended to diatribe at him, it had gotten away from her in her fatigue. Her hands find her face as she turns to sit down on her bed. Consumed, for a moment by another side of emotions she'd been desperately trying not to think about. That was until she dragged half of them up just moments ago. "That liar is right, I don't know how to shut up." The admonition was mumbled into her palms before she let them drop to her lap. Inhale. Exhale. "I'm sorry. You've just been through hell a few times over, one of them for me, just...just ignore me please."
One could say it's magic how swiftly, and thoroughly, he gathers all thought and emotion regarding painful subjects and ushers it to the back of his mind. Closes a corroded iron door on it for perusal at a later date, likely far into the future when he's old, grey, or burned to ash the next time he's killed so that he doesn't have the mental capacity to give to it.
When he opens his eyes, the shadows cast upon his face for what she'd told him recede. He watches her move, sink down onto the bed, then looks at the picture of her thin hands against her knees. He sucks at the back of his teeth, quietly, and moves to join here there, seated close enough for discreet slips of contact between his gear and her thigh. "Often-----the things we most do not wish to hear are the ones we need to. Thank you." Gritting his teeth, he reaches across her knee with his left hand, palm open for her to fill. "It was not my intention to fill your first hours of freedom with more pain and anxiety."
Everyone had their own brand of magic, for some it wasn't about spells and tricks. Sometimes it was the little magics. The day to day that kept you above ground and moving in one direction or another. Ways to cope. That one bartender who remembered how you took your favorite drink. The friend who was always smiling. Luck of hearing a new song at just the right moment to turn your mood around. No matter what it looked like, it was its own sort of wonder.
Like them, sitting in that room. From such different places in a town of strangers in a strange land. In such a city, any common ground was amazing. That she found herself taking his offered hand -- his solid, real hand -- well, that was magic too.
She reflected on those past few hours and couldn't find the space in her heart to regret them, despite what news had come with them. Thin fingers slipped into his and she passed a thumb across the back of his hand. "So what do you do when the person responsible for telling you what you need to hear has been keeping things from you?"
He spreads his fingers on the off chance she'd like to fit hers between them. He doesn't have much color, but he's still at least a shade darker than she is, the contrast between their grasps clear, and not just because of size. He considers her question with the gravity that it requires. Half a minute passes, then he wets the inner line of his frown. "You find out why."
She accepts this and laces them so. Her grip lacks the fierce nature of the earlier hug, where she had clung to his solidity like an anchor. Instead, she was content for the simple luxury of the contact. "And if some of the things are answers that you've almost killed yourself trying to find?" There wasn't much fire behind those questions. Shae felt like she should be more angry, but all the energy she had left barely made a dull sort of sorrow.
"Then he should have no qualms in giving them to you now. Or, he shouldn't." He did not know Fox well enough to make that guess. The rough pad of his thumb skims along the side of her finger. "But that is why you must discover his reasoning, he must have it. There is a reason for all things, even if that reason is absurdly simple and of no comfort at all. I do not think you can manufacture the wealth of emotion I saw him weather when I told him you lived. He did not want to believe me at first. Perhaps because he's spent the last month or so hiding himself, and he was then forced to face the fact that he had not looked hard enough.
"But he did not have a reason to," he looks over at her. "As I understood it, what happened left little doubt that you'd been killed. I would not want to believe it either. I would hope that now he sees what lengths you will go to to learn what it is you're trying to learn. And I would hope that he'd help you, now. But I would, at least, give him that chance." The inner corners of his brow pucker, more toward empathy than irritation. "When you're ready to."
She listened with her attention on the joining of their hands, watching the slide of his thumb as if in the space behind would be something spelled out on her skin. It was a quiet, worn stare that ended with a slow closing of her eyes. "I know, even so soon, that I'll forgive him." Admitting that wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. "I don't yet know how events flowed for him. It's not like he doesn't want me to find some of those answers. If I have the control I need, he'd be free." She'd lose a large part of her identity, but he would potentially regain a lot more. "He didn't have to make another contract."
"Yes, but to master that control, you need a corporeal body, don't you?" He doesn't pretend to understand the different facets of working magic. Then, "No, he didn't. But perhaps that is the only way he knew how to help you."
The question brings about a chuckle, helpless as she opens her eyes again. "Presumably. I certainly prefer it." She found herself sighing again, a sensation that was close to a yawn. "I suspect you're right. I'm still thankful that he wanted to help me. He thought I was dead. He was free at that point and he chose to give it up again."
"It certainly speaks in his favor. He did not want to leave you, nor leave you where you were any more than I did, or Cianan. If what you say is true, gaining control of your abilities will give you the chance to give him a new life. And that is a reasonable goal." He gives her hand a squeeze. "For the future, at least. At present, perhaps you should get some actual rest."
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Events continued in Mirror Mirror