There I stood, on a precipice between life and death, the wind seemed to beckon me, tugging at my coat, calling to me, all I had to do was take a single step, and single step into the oblivion of the abyss that spanned below the bridge leading to Longden Castle. Behind me the grooms held my horses, packed with the only things I owned, my few clothes, the money that had been left to me by my predecessor, the only couple of jewels I owned and a single book, leather bound and empty that he had given me as a final gift with what had to be a very expensive pen. I was losing my home, and I knew despite his assurances of his love, that I would never see this place again, at least not to return to him. I held my breath and closed my eyes and for a brief flicking moment almost took that step and embraced the blackness below.

Then the moment passed and I let out that breath and looked back at the waiting grooms, then up towards the study, we had said our good byes up there in privacy, and as I moved to my horse I for a minute wanted to rush back into him, to beg him not to send me away. I couldn't do it though, not to him and not to me. I mounted with few words to the pain in the ass grooms, they were all probably glad to see me go, then turned to head out. I didn't tell Talomar that I wasn't taking the carriage, he would not have approved of my stubbornness. I gave my horse a nudge and we were off, I never looked back, as badly as I wanted to I refused to look back, it would only make things worse. Instead a slouched in my saddle in unhappy silence and headed down the road.

I was in no rush, I'm not expected until sometime tomorrow, and I continue to wonder about this new home I was being sent to. Tal had said something about him being a Baron? What the hell is a Baron anyway, because I have no idea. Apparently my grasp of the english language isn't as good as I thought it was. I still have that bottle of wine the bartender gave me, tucked away in my bag, and the vile of blood and the last bottle of the blood wine I had had made for Talomar. I don't know why I took them with me, but I did, it just seemed like the right thing to take at the time. Now here I am at my camp for the night, its damned cold and the fire is doing little to fend off the cold, I can't wait to just get back in the saddle and keep going, I haven't eaten all day and I could use a warm place to rest. For now I think I will try and get some sleep.

What have I done? I truly am a stupid woman, my teachers were right, I wont surmount to being anything but a whore, they knew that when they started training me and they realized I didn't have the grace for some of the more intricate things they were showing me. They aren't the only ones who saw, others did too, but I just proved it, how could I in less then two days completely degrade myself and insult the man who has opened his home to me.

Love! What a horrible word, I hate it so, it is an abomination, it shouldn't exist! He loves me, he does not know me, but he loves me? Talomar knew me and he claimed he loved me and now look at where I am. Its a lot of bull is what it is, he's infatuated, that's all, it has to be. But what if he does love me? Ridiculous, I don't believe in love at first sight...at least...not anymore.

I truly am a fool and a whore. I even dropped to my knees to beg his forgiveness, and what did he do? He dismissed me, he told me to get up and that I was not a slave, not his, but he loves me? What am I suppose to do, how am I suppose to act? I show myself as my own and I hurt him, I show myself as his and I hurt him, I don't know what to do any more, I don't know how to act.

I am not a free person, freedom terrifies me, I need him to master me, if he does not what am I to do? Should I go? Leave him and try to make it on my own? I have nothing, its not like Talomar paid me to go, he sent me to work here, he told me I was to continue working, doing my job, only here. I have no money, I have nothing to live off of, and no experience for another job. I am caught here, stuck in a place that I have never been before, I don't know what to do, what does a slave do when there is no one left to be her master?

But by gods I long for him, I want him, I want to feel his teeth, his bite, his love, his body in mine, holding me and making me his. I want to be his, but how do I tell him that? I am a whore.

I can't think straight, not since this morning when I discovered Merrick's dungeon, it is all I have been able to think on. I'm sure its quite obvious to my lover that I am preoccupied, all lunch I could not stop staring at him, picturing him towering over me, touching me softly then layering strikes where his fingers had been before once more tempering my flesh with his gentle touch between each blow. I want to hear him whisper his love in my ear as he causes me such pain as I have only known in the service of others. Stimulating conversation I could not provide, I was much too busy imagining such torturous pleasure being inflicted by him, and yet knowing it would never happen.

Afterwards I went back to my exploring, just as an excuse to get away from him, I needed to be away from him, it was driving me insane to have him so close and yet not be able to tell him what I wanted, how I wanted him so, how much it was driving me insane to be close to him and yet not have what I wanted. I'm use to not getting what I want, but never before have I wanted something so badly in my life. Even when all I had wanted was to be with Talomar Longden I did not want it so badly as I want this. Its not just the pain I crave, for pain can come in many forms and is easily found when one wants it simply by picking a fight at the local tavern.

No its Merrick I want, Merrick's soft and gentle touch, his concern, his love, his carefulness, combined with the darkness I saw in him that first day, and the darkness I know he once possessed simply by seeing that room so far below me. I think maybe there is more to his past then even I know, I have not asked, maybe I should so I could know him better. I think I fear it though, I fear upsetting him by digging into his past, by confronting him about what I saw today. The last thing I want is for him to send me away because I could not listen and did not know how to obey.

I should go to him, this room is no longer mine, I spend so much time sleeping in his bed in his room, that this one seems but a shadow of what it once was when I first entered it, but I'm scared to go to him, I'm scared he will question me, that he will ask me what had happened at lunch. I can not lie to him, and yet I can not tell him the truth. If I stay here much longer I fear he will come looking for me, I can't have him thinking I'm trying to avoid him. Damn it why did he have to give me free rein of this place. Why could he not warn me to stay out of certain places, then I would not be facing this dilemma.

What's done is done, I have to go to him, to not to is to deny myself, I love him, I can not live without his touch, even one night without it would be agony. I can only hope he will leave me to my thoughts and not ask me what has distracted me so this day.

The discovery of Merrick's darkness was more then a shock, tI thought for sure he was going to kill me, to feel him force me to his every whim, to make my body respond despite my rage and fear. And yet...it was the most amazing experience of my life. Sure I have been forced into doing things sexually I didn't want to do, but this was different, this was dangerous, deadly and yet so pleasurable. It took me so long just to realize the, to figure out that he wasn't hurting me, that he was making my body sing the way I had been longing for him to do, and as soon as I did, oh what pleasure.

I can't believe how close we became in those few hours to feel his strength outside of me, then inside of me, to feel him want of me as much as I did him. When he had satisfied himself and released me the time in his bath, nothing will ever stand up to those quiet times, those soft touches, his trust in me. I will never forget the first time I saw him like that, completely naked, legs spread, perfectly clean, I still can't believe he trusted enough to let me do that to him.

But I think what shocked me most was his proposal, I still can't believe it, he purposed, to me, a mere mortal, trained in the pleasuring of men. Of course I accepted, how could I not, I love him. I think I'm worried though, worried he will withdraw the offer, take back the ring and throw me out like Talomar did, after all its not like I'm a woman of any strength. I keep waiting for some immortal to come in and steal his love from me, how I fear it.

And now he's talking about going to Rhy-Din for supplies now that the winter snows are gone. Back to that place, to where that woman lives with the man I had once loved. I'm terrified to face Talomar again, what will I say, what will I do. I have a sick feeling in my stomach Merrick will want to stay with Talomar, I hope he doesn't, I hope he knows my distress at the situation and instead books us a room as far from Longden castle as possible, otherwise I may just have to hide in my room the whole time were there.

Picking up this pen after so many months of being away from this book is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. How far have I come? How far have I fallen? If time was counted by experience, I would be very old indeed, too old for the life I have been expected to live. I have been gone too long, I sometimes feel as if I could never return, not to this life, or any other.

I feel as if my life is in a transition, I'm lost and every time I try to find my way out of this labyrinth of my own making. Every step I take forward, I feel as if the world is pushing me two more back. I have to branch out on my own, to face this world with no commitments, no tie downs from people who only want to hurt me.

I have been in too many bad situations, I can only hope that I can face this world alone, to pick up the pieces I have lost, and make myself into something so much more. More then what they wanted, more then what they needed, and make them all wish they had never used me.

There is a darkness here, something deep and burning in me, something that needs to be released, and the powers that be, help whoever tries to get in my way.