He stares up at the ceiling from his position on the bed. Such inactivity is unlike him -usually he is up and about, doing useful things- but that's on the Enterprise, where he has important responsibilities. Being here concerns him; who will take care of the ship and her crew without him? He should be working on finding his way back, finding whatever sort of portal or anomaly it is that will send him back to the Enterprise. He knows this, and yet... He is hard pressed to say he particularly wants to, right now.
It's not that he's trying to evade his responsibilities. Irresponsible is, perhaps, the last word anyone would assosciate with Scott. In fact, Jon often told him he tried to be responsible for too much, even as a cadet.
No, it's more that he's finally in a place where he can relax and not worry about regulations as much (although the presence of Starfleet here gives him pause for concern). He's never been regulations-minded; leaving the senseless blind following of bits of data designed for ideal situations in an ideal world to people without a firm grip on the fact that in the real world, sometimes the right thing to do, the moral thing to do, is not always what regulations say to do. It's gotten him in trouble in the past. The Potemkin nearly ended his career. Except, it was what was right, and he has never been able to put aside his moral compass in the name of senseless rules made by faceless bureaucrats. He would have never been able to look at himself in the mirror again had he obeyed those orders, those regulations. A career wasted was a small thing in the face of following orders that would have left 23 dead.
Pavel would have followed those orders. The thought comes unbidden to his mind. He doesn't know why it came up, but he also knows it to be true. In a way, it very much surprises him what the younger man got up to while he was here, because he knows the lad well enough to know that it takes a lot for him to be concerned about anything more than his own skin. To hear that he'd been involved in a rescue mission? It shocks him. Especially when he knows the rescued person, knows that the cadet Scott and Pavel have a great deal of friction between them for reasons he cannot even begin to figure out.
He wonders a lot about that mission, the people Pavel's assosciated with, and what Starfleet here is up to. It seems best for him to try and lay low until he can find his way back home. So many questions, but Pavel didn't come back with them to the Inn; instead turning down a different street. He doesn't know where to find the lad. Scott desperately wants some answers, though. He'll take them from anyone. Preferably Pavel, because he knows that he can make it so Pavel won't lie to him. Even though the lad tends towards honesty, brunt and brutal at times, he has also seen him lie through his teeth (although even then, it's not always apparent). Except if he pulls rank, brings regulations into it, he'll get a straight answer. That's just how Pavel is, he supposes, all at once self-serving and teetering on the brink of amorality, yet absolutely firmly bound to following rules and regulations and traditions.
That scares him. Pavel, being here, in this world. Scares him like nothing else. He loves the lad, dearly, but not in the way he knows Pavel wants to be loved. He can't do that, though. Can't risk breaking that beautiful, shattered young man further. They both know that now, but before? things had broken. Beyond his ability to repair things. Now, now he knows there are things he can't fix, a lesson thirty-six years in the making. He wishes he'd learned that lesson a lot sooner.
God, does it scare him. Here, in a place with what seems like so little structure, he can see Pavel breaking further, or putting his pieces back together in all the wrong ways. He already knows what Pavel's capable of, what that conservatory he ran off to at the age of twelve trained him to do (and it sickens him that anyone would train a child to kill). Knows his sense of morality is already strained and cracked, and that Pavel, by necessity, will place himself first, place what he counts as his first, and that everything and everyone else may as well not exist for all he'll ever care.
Placing someone like that in a place where he doesn't ever have to care about more than his own hide, where he can just blend in, no longer having to live out any obligations? It's a good way to a bad end for that person. He doesn't know the local laws, but somehow he knows that if Pavel finds it convenient for him, he'll find a way to reconcile his more law-abiding nature with that twisted and dark part of himself that rages against the world and cares about nothing but his own desires.
It dawns on him then that there really never was any question about staying or leaving. If Pavel will stay, then so will he. Pavel is the kind of family he's never had, never will have, even if the lad rejects the label. The label fits, though; he'd do as much for Pavel as he would for Kathleen and Coraline, and right now he can't help but feel that Pavel needs him. He can't fix everything perfectly, but he can try and keep more damage from being done. In that regards, he feels like a moth in the night drawn to the glow of a candle's flame.
He only hopes that it's just a candle, and not a fire that would burn him and all the world with it.
It's not that he's trying to evade his responsibilities. Irresponsible is, perhaps, the last word anyone would assosciate with Scott. In fact, Jon often told him he tried to be responsible for too much, even as a cadet.
No, it's more that he's finally in a place where he can relax and not worry about regulations as much (although the presence of Starfleet here gives him pause for concern). He's never been regulations-minded; leaving the senseless blind following of bits of data designed for ideal situations in an ideal world to people without a firm grip on the fact that in the real world, sometimes the right thing to do, the moral thing to do, is not always what regulations say to do. It's gotten him in trouble in the past. The Potemkin nearly ended his career. Except, it was what was right, and he has never been able to put aside his moral compass in the name of senseless rules made by faceless bureaucrats. He would have never been able to look at himself in the mirror again had he obeyed those orders, those regulations. A career wasted was a small thing in the face of following orders that would have left 23 dead.
Pavel would have followed those orders. The thought comes unbidden to his mind. He doesn't know why it came up, but he also knows it to be true. In a way, it very much surprises him what the younger man got up to while he was here, because he knows the lad well enough to know that it takes a lot for him to be concerned about anything more than his own skin. To hear that he'd been involved in a rescue mission? It shocks him. Especially when he knows the rescued person, knows that the cadet Scott and Pavel have a great deal of friction between them for reasons he cannot even begin to figure out.
He wonders a lot about that mission, the people Pavel's assosciated with, and what Starfleet here is up to. It seems best for him to try and lay low until he can find his way back home. So many questions, but Pavel didn't come back with them to the Inn; instead turning down a different street. He doesn't know where to find the lad. Scott desperately wants some answers, though. He'll take them from anyone. Preferably Pavel, because he knows that he can make it so Pavel won't lie to him. Even though the lad tends towards honesty, brunt and brutal at times, he has also seen him lie through his teeth (although even then, it's not always apparent). Except if he pulls rank, brings regulations into it, he'll get a straight answer. That's just how Pavel is, he supposes, all at once self-serving and teetering on the brink of amorality, yet absolutely firmly bound to following rules and regulations and traditions.
That scares him. Pavel, being here, in this world. Scares him like nothing else. He loves the lad, dearly, but not in the way he knows Pavel wants to be loved. He can't do that, though. Can't risk breaking that beautiful, shattered young man further. They both know that now, but before? things had broken. Beyond his ability to repair things. Now, now he knows there are things he can't fix, a lesson thirty-six years in the making. He wishes he'd learned that lesson a lot sooner.
God, does it scare him. Here, in a place with what seems like so little structure, he can see Pavel breaking further, or putting his pieces back together in all the wrong ways. He already knows what Pavel's capable of, what that conservatory he ran off to at the age of twelve trained him to do (and it sickens him that anyone would train a child to kill). Knows his sense of morality is already strained and cracked, and that Pavel, by necessity, will place himself first, place what he counts as his first, and that everything and everyone else may as well not exist for all he'll ever care.
Placing someone like that in a place where he doesn't ever have to care about more than his own hide, where he can just blend in, no longer having to live out any obligations? It's a good way to a bad end for that person. He doesn't know the local laws, but somehow he knows that if Pavel finds it convenient for him, he'll find a way to reconcile his more law-abiding nature with that twisted and dark part of himself that rages against the world and cares about nothing but his own desires.
It dawns on him then that there really never was any question about staying or leaving. If Pavel will stay, then so will he. Pavel is the kind of family he's never had, never will have, even if the lad rejects the label. The label fits, though; he'd do as much for Pavel as he would for Kathleen and Coraline, and right now he can't help but feel that Pavel needs him. He can't fix everything perfectly, but he can try and keep more damage from being done. In that regards, he feels like a moth in the night drawn to the glow of a candle's flame.
He only hopes that it's just a candle, and not a fire that would burn him and all the world with it.