Riya was wrong, so very, very VERY wrong. Oh my God I wish I could go back and rewind everything so last-night never, ever happened. I made such a fool of myself. Not sure I will ever be able to show my face in there on Friday night ever again. Ethan was very clear that he in now way shape or form sees me as anything remotely romantic. I swear, I am sick of hearing lets just be friends. Why is it when I think someone is cute they want to run? I mean, and I THAT bad..?

So I wanted to wait for the right person, wait for love before all the intimate stuff, seems the world don't work that way anymore. Now I find myself wondering if I made the right choice. Maybe I should just do it or perhaps I should just go home and resign to working on a farm and marry some old, hairy farm dude. Ugh. NOT!

On a side not. I lost five pounds. Yay. Now I only have 70 more to go.

Goddamned three am when the bus broke down.

The whole thing wobbled like a big metal monster and I heard two people yell like they about pissed themselves when it shook. All I could do was reach out and squeeze the cushioned head rest in front of me. Everything sort of yawned to the right, jerked left and everyone froze like that would keep the bus from rolling over. It never did roll over. It rocked and fell and rested back on its wheels after the tire blew. Some teenager girl was blubbering on and on after it happened, like she never knew what a flat tire was or to just shut up and hold on when things got bad. I wanted to give her a dirty look except she'd probably just not get it and maybe wail a little harder.

Ever since Billie left I've been hoppin' the lines, trying to figure out where she went. With a wad of cash and no common sense, how far did she figure she'd get? Where did she think she would go?

I called up all the familiars we knew, all the houses we would stop at in transit when we traveled. Nothing. Not a word from Billie, not even from some of the girls she used to hang with when dad would drop us off cause he needed a vacation from being a parent and king leader of the RVs.

Four hours later the new tire was on and we were back on our way like nothing happened. There was no way that Billie met someone, not with me and dad being right there like we were. She wasn't on the internet, shoppin' around so there couldn't have been that, either. Somewhere along the line the idea got into her head and we never noticed. How did I not notice that?

For the longest time all she ever did was stick her nose in a book and imagine what it might be like. She kept thinking those chumps in literature were real. What kinda fuckin' woman even wants to date that? I picked up one of her books once, just to try to understand it. All the men are chumps. They sound like thirsty dogs that kiss the ass of the prettiest girl in the room. Rich, handsome and apparently with nothing better to do than make some girl feel special all day. Where were the real women? Since when did a woman need a guy to be everything and for her just to sit there and smile like a stupid doll?

I'll give it to her, though, it took balls stealin' that wad of cash and just goin'. We had no idea she was even thinking about it until she was gone. There's a part of me that doesn't want to find her, that maybe wants there to be a little suffering for her. I know dad doesn't want it, he wants her perfect, pure and dumb like a sheltered little lamb for a slaughter. He's not like that with anyone but her. He threw me to the wolves and wouldn't let her raise a finger to break a sweat. I figured getting married of being with a guy would be a rude awakening when she realized there wouldn't be angels singing or a bed full of rose petals but just a lot of grunting and pain in the back seat of a ten year-old RV.

Still, it took balls to leave like that. I'm hopin' she gets some scars before I find her.

I've not talked and tried not to think about the reasons why I left because I wanted to start over and didn't want to just drag it all with me, but it seems to have followed me all the same in the form of Mark. Like I didn't know it would happen at some point, just not... all my fault for calling him. What the hell was I thinking?

I don't know why they can't understand. I never felt like I belonged there. never fit in with anyone else. Even the few friends I had, I still really wasn't one of them. They all seemed to know what it was to be a traveler and I always had to be told... I just never felt a part of it. Sure, I love my Dad and God know Mark has always been there but at what point do I get to have a life?

This whole thing about getting married. Can we just look at the name? Michael Huntsucker, the jokes about him being called Mike Huntsucker, bad enough he tells his name like that to new people, which is sometimes funny cause they ALWAYS hear it wrong. Mike isn't really a bad guy. No pig farming really and he's not THAT old, or really even that bad looking. Yeah he's older than me, I think 42 and there are other girls that would love to marry him due to him being who he is and all within the community. Yes I wouldn't have to worry about anything ever and I'm sure he'd be nice to be, but the fact is I don't love him and the idea of being with someone in the physical sense and not being in love with them is just wrong to me. I don't know why Mark can't understand this.

I wonder if Mark has ever been in love? Perhaps that's part of the issue. God only knows the girls are always throwing themselves on him. I don't know HOW many times Dad has used Mark as a con to get something out of some lonely widow. I think sometimes Mark is as lonely and as unhappy as I am, he just refuses to see it.

Something did make me happy last night however, Riya thinks of me as her adopted sister. Never had a sister, I was never really that close to any of the girls around the vans, any time one tried to be my friend it was only because they were crushing on Mark anyhow.

Breakfast with Mark this morning. Not looking forward to this conversation at all.

I want to kill my brother, I want to wrap my hands around his neck and strangle the life from him. Not really, but the idea was tempting for a moment. He used to do the same thing to me when we were kids. I would be doing something like getting changed or washing my hair, or something else that was equally embarrassing and he'd let Levi in the RV. So once again, right out of the blue, there is Levi. Not thought about him in years, well, that is a lie, but I certainly never thought I'd see him again. I still remember the day he left, at the time I didn't understand why he had to go, just knew I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye. Remember watching everything from where I was hiding on-top the RV. I still got the pictures of us three. I even have one of Levi and Mark standing outside in just their underwear and a part of Wellington boots, granted they was only three or four at the time. Not even sure I was born when that picture was taken. Not sure why I have it.

A lot of old feelings and thoughts came flooding to the surface. God I used to have such a crush on Levi and all he used to do was pick on me every chance he got. Gotta say he turned out cute, damn sure wasn't that cute growing up, was kinda skinny and his ears stuck out, I thought he was cute tho. I don't think Mark ever knew I had a crush on him... not that he ever let us alone together. Was always, always .... you know, come to think of it, Mark has never let me alone with any one.... and he wants me to marry Mike....Now, if Levi was who I had to marry, there might not be so much of an issue. I could learn to love Levi. heheheh

I have till the end of September to sort things. I really, really don't know what I'm going to do. Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Mark is the last person I want to let down, if it wasn't for him... I don't know why things have to change, why we just can't stay together like we were. Why can't I just stay with Mark? There are other women that never married. Aunt Rally never did. The whole thing just really, really sucks.

...and today is Friday. Ethan....do I dare go to the bar? If mark wasn't in town, the answer would be a HELL no. Thinking back on it, never was afraid to do much of anything with Mark around, I know... I've heard things, there were people that were always jealous about how close we were. Lot of people thought we were twins growing up because of it. He's my best friend, the only one that don't look at me like I'm pathetic and I can't imagine a life without him there.

Crap, in the end I know I will end up going back. God, all I can hope is that Mike ends up getting married to someone else suddenly before I DO go back. I hate my life, I really do.

Oh, I lost 2 more pounds. Yay me.

Mark isn't going to make me go back with him. Why or what suddenly made him change his mind when he seemed so adamant about it only the day before is strange. But he said he'd leave in a week, and that I could stay. I wonder if it's some strange reverse psychology, cause now I'm wondering if I should go back. Now I'm wondering that the fuck I've been thinking and doing and how selfish I have to be in the first place to up and leave like that.

Plus this means he will have to deal with Dad. Now I just feel guilty and find myself questioning my choice. Still don't wanna marry Mike. Nothing about that has changed. I know Dad is getting older and soon Mark will take over things. Perhaps when he does I will go back. I don't know. all I know is the idea of being married for any other reason than for love turns my stomach to knots.

So, seeing Levi has gotten me thinking all about the past again. I was reminded of then we were kids and the three of us, Mark, Levi and myself decided to make our own elderberry wine. I'm shocked we didn't die from one gastric ailment. God that stuff was rank. I used to follow those two everywhere. Poor Mark, he was always such a good sport, always had to take his little sister with him everywhere. I'm so damned lucky, he could have been horrible to me, and he never was, apart from some teasing he never let anyone else say a word to me. Except Levi. I owe Mark everything.

Ethan gave me a list of places to look for a job, I don't think this thing with Karras is going to pan out. Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE keeps warning me about him. If it was just one or two people, I might have been able to say otherwise, but... everyone, even Riya.? No, sometimes it's best to heed those warnings I think. Speaking of Riya, I think she has a crush in Mark, then again, a lot of women always seem to have a thing for Mark. It's ironic... I can't get anyone to look at me, and Mark can't get them to STOP. Sometimes I really do think he's just as lonely as I am, we're both searching for the same thing. I hope he finds what he needs, what will make him happy.

I'm finding it hard to put pen to page and commit these words as if doing so will make it all come true, no turning back, no chance that I could have been wrong. Even though I know I'm not. Mark can't seem to look at me, as if somehow it's my fault. I can't look at me either. I've known about Pops since last time Aunt Rally rolled through. There are other things I know too.

JUST not got a call from Pops. He followed up here with Aunt Rally. Got to meet him in an hour. Asked me not to tell anyone not even Mark. Had to lie to Levi, he knew I was hiding something. I wanted to ask him how far he wanted to take things, if this was just a fling, a little fun then he'd go back to his life and I'd go back to mine. I'd be okay with that, I mean... just with him I'd be okay. If anyone was going to be the one I think I'd rather it be him. But thoughts like that seem wrong somehow and yet somehow I feel like its my only chance to know, that if I pass it up it will be gone. I'm scared.

I see how Riya looks at Mark. I know where Mark is, I can see it in his face. Sometimes he thinks I don't know but I do He's been running all his life in ways, both have. Sometimes I think Levi had it worse than any of us tho. Couldn't run from them books. But yes I see the way she looks at him and think he's lucky to have someone look at him like that just as I've always been lucky to have him look at me the way he does. Like I was okay. He never resented me, even when Pops would yell at him for something I did, cause he had to yell at someone and couldn't yell at me. Sometime tho I wished he would have.

Shit, time to go meet them. Fuck I'm scared.

Not leaving my room today. Already went down and got water and something to eat so I don't even have to unlock the door. Not answering it. Not answering my phone. I just want to be left alone. Don't wanna see Mark, or even Levi... least of all Levi actually. Not after he goes to talk to Pops. I should NEVER have said anything. Not I just feel fucking stupid.

I should have never, ever mentioned Levi to Pops, now he's gunna think this is some kind of trap. Levi did his part for the family, I just need to do my part, stop being so damned stupid and selfish, not like I gotta stay married to Mike and not like it real, I don't gotta really be his wife in the full sense of the meaning.

Just going to sleep all day and ignore everyone and everything.

What a week. Come to town to let Mark know that he's in the free and clear after he beat in some guy's face for looking at Billie. Can't say that, not true. The guy slipped some rohypnol into her drink and Mark saw it. He got rid of the drink and waited for Billie to leave. And when she did, he put the guy into the hospital. Thank God it was on private property. Got the dnd dropped and if he's a good boy, his record will be expunged.

Like that's going to happen.

Anyway, I'm here, spending a little of that PTO from the Pd's office for some RnR. First night was great! But then Billie... she starts acting all weird. Like that comedy act. She was acting like Eve. All... come here, come here, come here and then all go away go away go away. So when I did walk away, EVERY TIME I walked away, she'd have a smart ass thing to say. But she was putting herself down. And that just... the world's going to do that enough for you. Quit doing it to yourself. Geez!

So anyway, this chick that's got like a major thing for Mark is hanging out with Billie at that musty smelling little tea shop. I pop in to get a drink and there they were. Truly I wanted to bolt. I don't think Mark's into this chick, but when has he ever wanted more than to get laid with no strings? So she's sitting there, and Billie's sitting there. And they're both kind of weird. Like you know how when you walk up on someone who is talking and then they suddenly shut up? Yeah, like that. Think they were talking about me and Mark. I dunno.

So Billie makes this dumb ass remark about only being kissable when I'm drunk. So I kissed her. Ok? Maybe she'll stop saying that stupid shit. She's a pretty enough girl, sure. I think she just tries too hard and expects life to be like the books she keeps her nose plastered to. And then she says that she wants to talk to me about something, but won't tell me what. She's all smiling and carrying on and I just wanted to know what she had to say.

I waited two damn days. Got tired of waiting and went to find her. Which, in hindsight was really stupid. Of course she's in a night shirt with bed head. It was only what? Two in the afternoon? And hell, I'm a man. I could see her tittys right through that shirt. Did I say anything? Oh hell no!

So she starts to unload her story. How she's crushed on me all of her life. How she always dreamed that I'd be her first. That i'd be her everything. And then she tells me that my own MOTHER said the same things. What the hell is wrong with these women?

She also tells me something about Mark only being her half brother and that her mom left a trust fund. Only for her. And she only can collect when she's 25 and married. And then she really started in on me.

Jesus Christ. I don't want to hurt the kid, but when I do (if ever) get married, it's going to be to someone I love and who loves me and it's going to be forever. Not, as she put it, just in name and on paper.

I want to talk to Mark about this, but I just don't know what to say to him. "Hey, your sister wants to marry me so she can collect a big nest egg. Oh, and none for you!" That's not really fair. I'm sure she's just wanting to live out a fantasy.

But I just... Jesus. It's way too soon. I like Billie. I'd like to see her naked and do bad things with her. But do I want to marry her?

No, not really.

When I was younger I used to think that money were a lot more important than it was. As far as keeping yourself fed and clothed, it matters. Beyond that? Naht a use for it. I don't need a house or fancy clothes or anything like that. Most I really need is food and a bite to eat, maybe get laid here or there, and that's about it.

It weren't that Billie got money and I didn't. Don't care if it was just five dollars waiting for me. Fact is, none of the money were waiting on me. Always thought of mom as mom until Da told me about the trust. Everything to Billie, like there were only one kid to care about. Levi tried to talk the edge off that knife but there weren't any use in it. Mom acted like Billie were the only child she had to leave anything to and Da made me a right mean guard dog for her. When mom was pregnant and I were walking around, did they do that on purpose or did the dynamic just sort of happen?

Billie didn't know, she were as in the know as me about it. Don't doubt that she loves me. Da had to have some sort of love or respect to me for him to want me to take over the wheel. Just figured it was all about pampering Billie and not that things happened cause I were an outsider to the family the whole time. Was I? Now that I got the lense of that thought in my mind I see it all so critical, so in the negative. Feel like that's all I can see. It's a right bitter taste that follows me.

It feel cathartic to be in a fight. Don't even bother me when people tag me up with names or call me stupid or useless. I know I'm naht none of those, weren't that the irony? Those scholarly types see me and hear me and they got their chin up like they a few points over me, that they knew the place where I stumble and fall cause they're so smart. None of them do, though, cause I didn't even. They would have thought it was my mind, my education, when it was my mother all along. She bring so much of it tumbling down.

Then the real stupid of me hits. I can't leave, I can't break away and I can't forsake. Maybe Da and mom were brilliant at giving me shape, or maybe it was the shape I would have had anyway. They call that nature verse nuture and people will argue it till their tongues hurt. I know who I love and even when it weren't right or like I thought it would be, I can't leave it. I'm just gonna be stuck at Da's side up until he dies from the cancer. Man won't get treatment so it's four months away, the doctors say. Can't stop guarding Billie, either. That's the real stupid of me. No more smoke and mirrors yet I can't get off these train tracks. I keep goin' like there were no revelation.

There used to be more joy in it for me because I had a cocky certainty about me and where I was in the world. Now it were all widdled down to just me and Billie. Levi's out to get slugged, Da's been using me and building me into something he's needed since Billie were conceived and mom? Mom. I weren't even worth being left anything. You read the will and you would have thought there were only one kid. Da does the same thing as Levi. He try to soften the blow, says mom always thought I could handle myself but that it were Billie that needed the help. Sounds weak to me and I won't be had by it anymore. I'm done with all those devices that were used to twist me around.

There is but one thing really left, that never were changed by all of this. Billie. Still my sister and though she be impulsive and itching to get a scar, she don't look at me any different than before. Neither of us knew and it were our relationship that were right, the sort that makes me feel like loving somebody isn't some big con where a man pulls back a curtain and tells you all the ways you were had. Billie's got truth in her and I didn't ever think that would come to save me like it has.

Felling me
feeling nothing but
feeling open
feeling something that
help me understand
what I feel
where is your hand
to help me heal

why am I alone
..why am I standing here
..what did I do wrong
to make you walk away from me

seeing you
knowing you have gone
finding nothing
here to hold me on
tomorrow never comes
today never goes away
take my hand
and lead me to pray

so tell me why
if you are so kind
who the hell am I
and why was I left behind

feeling me
feeling nothing
feeling you
knowing nothing
tomorrow never comes
tomorrow never comes
today...
feeling nothing.

Right now, I think I need to focus on family. Just deal with Pops, spend this time with him and Mark. No outside distraction. I can take a few on-line classes. Not sure what yet, but since I'm going to be spending all my time in or near the RV, I might as well do something to better myself.

I have made my mind however. I am not leaving the circuit. Not leaving Mark to deal with everything on his own. Family first. No one, and nothing is more important to me than Mark. NO ONE! He's the only one I can trust. The only one that really gives a damn about me. I'll be damned if I betray his trust in me. He's all I really got in this world, and as long as I got him I don't need for nothing else.

** Key. Gorjers and Country and non Gypsy people.
Pooker-Pookering means stealing.
Pikey or Gyppo is an offensive term.



The thought of leaving ma place had done got me all a wobble. Been a right long time since I been out about with the Gorjers and Country people. Nout seem ta changed all that much, right bunch of twats ifin you as me, all worried about stupid shyte. I be telling you, them Gorjers an easy lot to pooker from. Could na pass up such an easy mark and it's been donkeys years since I done any real pookering.

So here I is in the bloody place. Come ta pay my respects to Barlow. Sides, got that info he wanted, done took me the better part of a year ta find it all, but good things come ta those that wait, or so they be saying. be a right sad thing tho, seeing old Barlow in such a frail state and all. Gods, ifin ever there was a man back in the day that could bare knuckle it.

Nout long till Appleby Fair, so gots to deal with this here spot of trouble before it come ta bite me square in the arse. Stand ta make a good deal of money this year. Never would have thought the sedentary life woulds been me thing buts it done suit me well enough. Can't say I miss the dust of the road. No rather the smell of horse shyte up me nose than exhaust from an RV any day.

Barlow gave me the lodging in one of his RV's said it belong to his kids. But they out of town at moment. Fecken little dog followed me in here, must be the smell of the ponies. Won't leave me the feck alone. And now there be a fecking cat too. Beginning to feel like Doctor Doo Little of sumfin. I walk through the fecking camp and they be all on my heels like I got a stake slapped to ma arse or sumfin.

Right strange feeling not ta be in my own bed. Tired from being on that damn bus, all stuffed in like chickens. Swear, one more person called me a damned Pikey or Gyppo I'd be showin' them I was a bare knuckle champ of me own right. Fecking Gorjers, can't abide em.

Molly is here. Something is going on... something not good and I've still not heard from Mark. Worried now. Levi has an odd look in his eyes, like... I dunno what...but I get the feeling it's not something I'm going to like

Jesus. What am I going to do about Billie? I brought her to her Grandfather's and wouldn't you know it, he's my old pal Judge Williams. You know, the one that holds me in contempt of court every single time I have a defendant in front of him? Yeah. That guy. He should just get over the fact that I banged Caroline. I mean, really. He shouldn't hire the women that he's banging, so I guess we're both equally bad.

Anyway, on our way back home, we had a talk and the next thing I know, she's telling me to pull over. I thought she was going to be sick so I do. She gets out of the car and has me follow her into this field. And then she starts to strip her clothes off. And damned straight I had me some of that.

But, thing is, when we were doing it the second time, I forgot the condom. I hope she's not pregnant. I told her that I'd be around for as long as she'll have me, and it's true. But I think she's looking at me for something more and I just don't have it to give. Not now. She's had her entire life of fantasy and I've had a few weeks.

Not going to use the L word. Just not going to do it until I'm sure that I feel it. And right now? I don't. I'm very attracted to Billie, I like her a heck of a lot and she's great in the sack. But... yeah.

Mark didn't say much about it. I had to tell him, not going to run around like a coward playing stupid games. If he wants to lay into me, then he'll have a fight coming to him because this time I did nothing wrong.

I really feel like there is something going on with Levi. He's, how do I put this... mean? Well, perhaps a little, might be everything that is going on, but it's just that something feels odd about it all. Like, I mean, sometimes he's looking at him with those blue eyes and I swear I see a softness in them, mostly when he think I'm not looking. Then, there are other times, like yesterday there was just a cold look in his eyes as if I were no different to him than any of the other girls in the camp. Then he says I should stay in my own RV, which honestly, I had already been thinking about. Sounds nutty but I missed Mark. Going to ask him if he wants to watch some old movies tonight like we used to.

But Levi and I had sex again and that's the other thing, cause it wasn't at all like the first time where he was all caring and sweet and nice. No, this was... not sure how to put it, other then I felt empty after. He got up to take a shower, said I should perhaps be getting back to my place. So I did. I left, went home and read to Pops until he fell asleep. Maybe its nothing, maybe I'm just reading into things too much, or that's how things are when you're with someone? It just didn't feel good is all.

Yeah, tonight i'm stay in and just read or watch a movie with Mark if he wants. Him and I not spent a lot of time together. In all honestly he was the only one I wanted then I learned the news about Ma. Why can't more men be like Mark? I really do have the best brother in the world.

Billie must have had some bug up her butt yesterday. I'd not seen her all day long, and it was my turn to cook. Spent all day over hot coals and campfires. Hell by the time I did see her I must have stunk pretty badly. Maybe that was it. Anyway, she sees me and says she's gotta go take care of Pops. She and Keirra were just talking. Maybe that was it. I don't know.

She said I made her feel like a sleazy one night stand. How the hell did that even happen? She wouldn't listen, wouldn't talk, just kept storming off. So I took off to the Inn for a beer and to just calm down. Mark was there, we had some whiskey. He stayed in the room I'm renting and I was going to go home. But then there's Billie and Keirra... again! On the porch swing just looking at me like I've grown horns and a tail. Still don't know what I did.

I was just going to leave them to it but Keirra said to go inside. Why'd I even listen to her? So I went inside, but I wasn't going to bug them. I sat there and played peanuts. And there's Billie, spilling everything all over the bar and flirting with this guy. So yeah, if that's what she wanted, I wasn't going to sit and watch. So I tried to leave. Again.

She stopped me, said it was over if I left. Hell feels like it was over before it even started. Didn't get a chance to know her much because she just won't talk to me. Ended up outside with her, was going to walk home and let her and Keirra have the Civic. That wasn't good enough, she tried to follow me.

Took the Civic and took off. Left her standing there. Got back to camp, grabbed some of Molly's sweetwater and locked myself into my RV. Got drunk out of my head and slept off the night. Wasn't right just leaving her like that but I couldn't take it anymore. She pushes me away and tries to pull me back and it's driving me insane.

Need to talk to her. I want to know what I did to start all of this.

She says she loves me and I've no doubt that it's true. I can see it in her eyes and the way she looks at me with those knowing little smiles. I should love her, should want to put a ring on her finger. I should do a lot of things. I just can't.

It's not that I don't have feelings. I go through the motions and I want to hold her and kiss her and keep her safe. I want to do the naughty things that we do behind closed doors. It's safe. It's uncomplicated. I care for her, probably more than I care for any other person. But is it love?

Says she's pregnant, showed me the test. Guess I'm going to be a dad. Thought doesn't scare me as much as I thought it would. It's a responsibility that I knew was an inevitable one. Whether it's now or in ten years from now, I knew that I'd be a dad. I think she'll be a good mother and like I told Molly, life's too short to get upset or be overly worried about something as natural as having a baby.

Speaking of Molly, she's got herself into a bit of trouble. More trouble than I think she ever imagined she'd be in. Mark hasn't been a loyal heart to any one woman since Gwen. It was a dangerous game that Molly played and I'm afraid it's one she might not win. I'm in her corner, would rather see Mark with Molly than with Gwen. Gwen's a manipulative bitch who sold her own sister down the river to save her own hide.

Guess love is blind. Don't think Mark will ever see the bad in her. But then I don't think he sees the darkness or the badness in anyone that he cares for, anyone who is family. He doesn't take kindly to strangers in the camp. Those are the bad guys, the untrustworthy ones. Everyone in the circuit is given a clean slate, time and again, by Mark. I don't think people realize how lucky they are that he's like that.

Anyway, on our way up to the Farm with Pops, Billie and Molly. It's almost time and Pops wants to be with his wife so they can die together. It's romantic and it's sick. What's worse is that he didn't want Mark around when it happened. Billie's going to be a mess, I already know this much. Told Keirra to watch out for Mark. He might not show it but he's going to need someone around when he gets the call or text that it's over.

If family equals love, then yeah I'm in love. With all of them.

I sat and watched the sun go down over the river, felt the wind and air around me like it was all closing in. It like the world keeps moving as I stumble and everything moves faster than me. Like I'm supposed to be this, something...else but I can't anything other than who I am. I don't want to either. My parents are gone. They are gone. Not sure I even have Mark anymore, now he's taken over. Something is different with him, perhaps it's all of this, just there is this feeling I get from him, like he's closed off from something, he's not facing something. I've seen him do it before. Of course, I'm just Billie, so it's not like he'd think I notice these things. I swear sometimes he thinks I'm just some stupid little girl.

Which, I just might be for listening to anything Molly had to say in the matters of the heart. She kept talking about how men didn't like to be tied down to one woman and this and that, and how Levi was used to a certain kind of woman and with me being pregnant. Yeah, pregnant... something I never thought was going to happen. But wow.. and with Levi.

I'm pretty sure he's still pissed off at me. He's the first for me on ever level, I don't know what the hell I'm doing. God help me... and OMG can we talk about the sex? Jesus, I didn't even know you could do that with a tongue.

He said I didn't lie to Pops. But I did... not that it matters, it made the man happy and that's what really counted. A baby....I'm going to have a baby. With Levi. It's an odd thing to be this happy with so much hurt just behind me. But I am, so very much in love with him. Now I just need to not screw things up. God help me.

Things are so **** right now. I want to rip something apart, destroy it with my bare hands. Never been one for fists but there's so much anger inside of me that I think I'm going to burst at the seams if it doesn't get released somehow, some way.

So furious with myself for not sending Myra away. She's a tease and a slut and I let her touch Billie. I didn't know. **** that. I knew. I knew Billie wasn't into it. But I let it go on. I encouraged it. And then Billie was running away. I should have stayed in the city and let Molly help me get my job back. Should just stay away from Billie. ****!

She's too good for me. Everything pure and good and pristine in this world is wrapped up in Billie's eyes and I'm slowly and methodically stripping it all away. Why doesn't somebody stop me?

Been picking fights, landed me in the hospital with a lump to my head. Still not enough of a release for all of this anger. Too much anger.

She's too good for me.

Jesus Christ. That woman has only two settings: on and off. There is no middle ground, at all. She's a spoiled brat! When she got pregnant I didn't think that either of us could have been happier. But then her body rejected it and she miscarried. It felt like someone sucker punched me right in the solar plexus. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. All I knew is that I wasn't going to be a dad and that Billie had to be hurting.

She lost the baby. She had to hurt in her soul. Right?

She acts like there's nothing wrong, that she does this on a daily basis. Like nothing even happened. Like she wasn't pregnant. Hell, maybe she wasn't? I don't know. It's just that she didn't seem to understand that I was upset by this entire miscarriage business, too. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want her to get pregnant again. I wanted her to heal. Abstaining from sex for a week or so wasn't going to kill her.

But her reaction to me saying no sex until she was better? You'd think that I'd just taken away her favorite toy and bashed it against the wall until it was in little pieces.

Good to know that all I was to her was a piece of tail. Good to find out these things before things went way too far. She said that she could get laid before me, and she still can. Good for her. Screw the entire camp and everyone in the city of Rhy'din. I don't care anymore.

Turns out Billie is just like the rest of the girls in the circuit. Horny psycho hose beasts. Not letting her or anyone else get their claws into me, ever again.

Never.

Thought we'd worked things out and were in a good place. I said I wouldn't let her in again. Yet, here I go again, stupid me. She pulled the "I need space and time to think" act. Like I don't know what that means, right?

Means by sticking to my guns she's going to take her ball and go find someone else to play with it.

Whatever. I'll give her and Mark all the space and time that they need. I'm not leaving the camp but there are other things that are taking up my free time lately. I found a gym to work out in and got approached about fighting on a team in something called the Royal Rabble on the Iron Fists Team. Or maybe it's in the Iron Fists League on team Royal Rabble.

Anyway, I've never been good with my fists. So we'll see how this goes. It's a nice distraction from people who can't seem to make up their damn minds.

Lost again last night. Kind of sucked but Eva and the team say that it's about learning from my mistakes at this point. Would like to win one, though. Great group of people, very upbeat and classy. Gave Bailey a ride home from the Gardens. He's pretty cool, my first real friend not attached to anyone in the circuit. We drank beer and hung out for a bit before I came home.

Billie was crashed out in the bed so I slept on the couch. I don't think I have the enthusiasm that she does when it comes to all things us. Too much has happened and I don't think I could ever feel the same. She's not really the person that I thought I knew.

Don't get me wrong, I do love her. But then I love Mark and Keirra, too. It's more along those lines. I mean, if I were head over heels, would a pretty girl in a boxing ring turn my head? It wouldn't. But it does and that gives me pause and makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I made a mistake in getting so close to Billie. I think I'm doing her more damage than good.

Well. I really screwed up everything with Billie. It's no secret that we saw eye to eye on nothing. We had nothing in common. She likes to read, I avoid books like the plague. Mark warned me that her expectations were unrealistic. She reads those romance novels and thinks that's how life is going to turn out. Happily ever after. Maybe she'll find that in someone else. I hope she does.

I just couldn't do it anymore. Her temper tantrums, her constantly trying to verbally spar with me and then getting hurt when she didn't get the upper hand. She was constantly running off and it got to the point that if she wanted to keep running away from me I figured there was a reason why so I stopped chasing.

Things have just been in a downward spiral since she lost the baby. I mourned that baby and I still do. She seemed to act like it was nothing but a few cells. I'm sure that somewhere, inside, she was mourning. But, why didn't she share that with me? I just felt alone in that and her scorn over the subject just left me not wanting to talk to her about much of anything anymore.

And it seemed the only time she was truly happy is when we were snogging. I wanted more than that, more than a bed buddy. I don't know why I thought that we could be more. I don't think we ever agreed on anything.

So I was a total dick to her. She was being her usual melodramatic self to get my attention. I hate when she does that in public. It's like she's trying to garner all this attention and sympathy from others. So I let her have it. I knew which buttons to push and I pushed them all. I called her a fat ass. I laughed at her when she fell down the steps. I knew that she was ok, physically and there's something that's hilarious about watching a person get scared, flail about and then land safely on their ass.

Got some folks pissed off at me for laughing at her, though. I deserved it. I was being a jerk and I knew it. It's best for her to hate me now than be miserable and unable to get out of it without a court order later. And I think that goes both ways. We both needed out of that relationship.

But that's when the homophobic insinuations began. Of course I have to be gay not to want her, right? And of course she has to bring her old pal Molly in to try to hurt me with more sneering and saying stupid crap that she really has no idea about. Molly tried to say that I'm jealous that Mark chose to be with Molly. If Molly could make him happy, I'd not say a word. But the woman brings these stray men into the camp and some of them do harm. She's slept with so many of them, how could Mark or anyone else know for certain that the bastard child she's carrying is actually Mark's? So now looking out for my best friend is a sign that I'm gay and that I want him and am jealous. Whatever.

In all of this mess I did meet Quinn. He stood up for me and gave Billie and Molly a piece of his mind when they went into harpy mode with me. It was nice to have someone on my side during all of that crap. Though Keirra now knows and that fiesty little ball of energy with a baby bump has been there when I needed someone to just talk to. Gerry's a lucky guy because if he hadn't snatched her up, I might have.

Feels like the camp is being split in two on whose side to take. Mark's stuck in the middle and I hate that for him. There's nothing worse than a feuding campsite. It should be a peaceful, safe place to retreat to when things get crazy in the world. The people aren't blood but they are family and nobody should be made to choose one side over the other.

Looking back on all of the women that I've dated, and there have been quite a few, none of them worked out. I couldn't figure out why but I lost interest for one reason or the other quickly and then burned the bridges with nuclear bombs. Maybe Billie and Molly are right, but how could they know about what happened in Law School? How could they have known that a hazing incident for that fraternity made me see things differently?

Todd was rush chair for the fraternity that I was pledging. At one party, everyone was three sheets into the wind by ten pm. I can't believe I'm talking about this after so many years of trying to forget it. I don't know if Todd was gay, I don't know that any of them were. But they lined us up, had us strip down and then they did things with and to us. We were laughed at, called plebes and it was supposed to be torture. But the truth of the matter is that I kind of liked what was happening. Of course, I couldn't admit that to the other pledges or anyone else for that matter. I'd seen how the gay community was treated on campus and I knew the stance the family took with such things. So I stomped that little bit of I don't know what down until I really believed that it was just a reaction to being touched.

That is until I met Quinn. He's open and honest about his sexuality. He's open and honest about everything. His life's an open book and all anyone has to do is just ask and he doesn't hold back anything. I admire him for that. I live in a world just filled with secrets and deceptions. It's the way of life in the Caravan Circuit. It's refreshing to have a friend who hides nothing.

And then he kissed me. I can't tell anyone. Not Keirra, not Mark, nobody. It made me feel so alive and that's not something I've felt in a very long time. But he's coming out of something and this whole thing with Billie has just left me drained. I wish I could talk to someone to sort things out.

I'm being told that Billie tried to kill herself. After I decimated her, she ran to the cemetery and tried to off herself with pills and sweetwater. I think some people are telling me this to make me feel guilty for how I treated her that night. She wasn't ready for the kind of thing that I did, but she was asking for it. It was like we'd get into a public place and she would say things to degrade me or make me feel like I was small or I don't know. Always has been a verbal battle with her. Not sure what made me snap, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Mark hasn't said anything to me about it really. At first he wouldn't talk to me at all but now it's like very little has changed between he and I. He has the weight of the camp on his shoulders and nobody really to turn to. When he does, they just start spouting off about their troubles. Who listens to Mark? They all expect him to do all of the listening and fixing of things. I think it's bothering him a lot more than he lets on.

It's been a crazy, crazy week. Drama never seems to end and I'm sick of it. Between Billie, Molly and now Lauren, it's like they're the Witches of Eastwick, following us around and waiting with their pointed little hats and broomsticks for an opportunity to cause drama. Take Lauren for example.

We were hanging out at the bar. Quinn, Lauren, Ko and I are just hanging out. Oh, Quinn's friend Sai was there, too. Quinn's teasing the girls and they're all over him. I was just leaning back on the couch, watching, laughing. All of a sudden Lauren punches Quinn right in the junk. No warning, just POW! And she didn't do it on accident either. So while Quinn's rolling around on the ground in pain, she's got this look on her face like she's so superior to him because she punched him where it hurts the most. It pissed me off and we had words.

Weird thing is, after Quinn punched Lauren in the jaw (who could blame him?) the girls were all over Lauren, just pawing and fawning over her like her life was in danger over one punch. And there's no way that getting punched in the jaw hurts more than getting punched in the junk. I know. I've been punched in the jaw and the junk. The junk hurts more, anytime.

Maybe I've stumbled into a matriarchal society. Like the Amazons where the men were practically slaves. Anyway.

Trying to keep stuff from showing in public. I really like Quinn a lot. And he says he's crazy about me. But so soon after that very public break up with Billie? And Mark has no idea I've ever messed around with guys. It was something I did in college, away from the circuit. I don't want anyone here to know. I don't think Mark would ever talk to me again. And the roughnecks have done some pretty bad things to people who are different. Yeah, I'm different in that I've got money and I've got a degree and a license. But the other difference isn't as forgivable.

Feel bad about dragging Quinn back into the closet. He's one light that shines so brightly I think that he can be seen for miles. I just can't let the people around me know. I didn't want Keirra to know, but she's so damn nosey and in my RV all of the time so she was bound to find out.

Went to a function in the Market the other night. Quinn put himself up for auction for charity. Found out later that Mark did, too, which is kind of funny. But they're both really good guys, the salt of the earth. Things didn't go so well. Lauren came in and blurted out in front of Mark and everyone that Quinn and I were being awfully shady trying to hide who we were. Bitch outed me in front of an entire room of people.

And then Molly shows up with her dramatics. She was sick so I gave her some water and crackers. She didn't want anything from me. Her friend Tracey came in and tried to start shit with Mark. After admitting that the baby she's carrying isn't Mark she tried to backtrack but the damage was done. Mark's so done with her and I, for one, am ecstatic for him. He's hurting pretty badly but doesn't let on. I can see it in his eyes. Saw Gwen go into his camper a couple of times. Think he's just blowing off steam.

So Quinn was on the block. The plan had been for Keirra to buy Quinn and then we all go to this ball together. But something inside of me said that was my moment. That was the time to come out and let Mark know and let the chips fall where they may. And then I saw the look on Mark's face. He looked really mad. I put my hands up and said just kidding, but the auction was done and I shelled out 10k for a date with Quinn. Now Keirra's miffed and Mark's angry because i didn't let Ko win.

Maybe I should crawl under a rock some where. There's no drama under rocks. Right? Life's never that simple though. Heading to Loiuse City to get a guy out of jail. It's a favor for Mark so that he can get a favor owed to him. Quinn's coming with me. Should be an interesting week.

I've thought about throwing this thing in the fire and giving up writing down my thoughts. It just seems silly now. Not silly more like painful. the more I think about things the more things seem to turn into a knife.

Things seem to be.... I can't even think of the right word. Levi told Mark I was tricking? Never actually said I was, I called myself a whore cause that is what I felt like since he said I made things so easy cause I threw myself at him. God I feel like such a freaking moron. Not actually done anything or been with anyone. Not even kissed anyone else. Got myself into a pickle with someone, which was actually a female, at least I think it was a female, it had boobs... but damn if she wasn't strong.

People are looking at me like I'm the bad guy, like I did something wrong. I had thought Keirra and I were friends, but that seemed to go right out the window. Her, Levi and Quinn are all close and chummy. How am I supposed to feel about that? How am I supposed to deal with that? Even the others about camp seem to be turning like I commited a sin. Only person that give a damn is Mark but I'm not going to lean on him, he has his own issues and Levi is still his best friend. I can't hang around them, so that leaves me where exactly? I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. Not at camp, not at the bar, not anywhere.

Truth is knowing that Levi was or is gay didn't come as a shock really given all the joking and I never really felt like her really loved me which he made clear with the truth that he'd not have treated Keirra like he did me. I think that's what hurt more, known him all my life and I am somehow worth less to him than someone that has only been part of the 'family' a short time. Nothing against Keirra, just what does that say about me? Am I really that worthless? If I was thin and pretty then perhaps people wouldn't treat me like this. I just want to forget everything.

These are Billie's thoughts. If she thinks something you or your character do not like, again...these are her thoughts. Not actions. She might think something that is not true about a character. Again, there are her thoughts. Not actions. Does not mean what she is thinking is true. Does not mean she has even said anything aloud. Just.... thoughts.


A lot of things have changed and I didn't even see it coming. Lords, to think had I not gone and tried to forget about Levi, and that crazy person had not stolen all my thoughts and face. This whole thing with Don is just so unexpected and so utterly delight fun. I have never, ever felt so good about something. To have a man that actually says nice things, that likes the way you look (even nude). It's strange now that I remember everything about Levi, I think Don was thinking that once I got my memory back, that I might change my mind. It didn't change my my, but rather seemed to solidify things. I'm more certain now than I ever was.

We were talking last night. Boy, and was it something that has left my head spinning. So, on his world they do things a little differently... we were talking about how his people got hitched. Married. so, you know the subject of kids came up. Okay, so I was thinking he couldn't have kids, but turns out... he can, only it would happen until we were married or something, some secret ceremony that has to be performed just between us. Nude. Sounds kinda kinky, huh.? At first i thought we have to be nude before the Elders... yeah, that might have made me think twice. I might be getting a little used to the idea of being butter balls nekid in front of him. Anyone else..? Oh nonononno.

So, seems he can have kids. Which, as I think you well know is something I really want. I mean, I'm not at all sad at having lost my first pregnancy. I think now, looking back I knew it could never work between Levi and I. I was just suck on a silly little crush. I mean, I never felt 'it'... never felt secure with him the way I do with Don. This sort of trust that just seems to be there. I have no fear at all that he'd even be unfaithful or try to hurt me. I think, he is the sort of man that would rather be hurt himself than see any harm come to me. I'm simply not scared with him. Of anything. Not even the pain of family.

And speaking of pain and family. So, after finding out the length of time that I had been without my memory I was to say the least puzzled by the fact that Mark seemed not to care. The same day I got my memory back, I went with Don to the camp only to find he had boxed up all my things. Like I was no longer wanted or part of the family. He kicked me out.

I find myself wondering what you would think Pop's. Of how we have handled things so far. Everything seems to have fallen apart. Brings to mind a song from TOOL. "Cold silence has, a tendency to atrophy and compassion between supposed lovers, between supposed brothers...." or something like that. Song really seems to fit the situation, because I know the pieces fit because i watched them fall apart. Where did it all go so wrong on one and... but on the other, go so wonderfully right.

I'm not sure if things can be fixed at this point. Don said just to give things time. That he didn't think Mark meant it, but... the brother I knew once would have never said those things. He's not the same. he was cold and distant, I saw no love in his eyes for me like there used to be. I would and will never turn my back on him like he has done me. Not even now. I wish I could share things with him. I would have liked at least Mark to have been at my wedding. Not that I'm getting married. Don did ask me to live with him.

He went a got a house. Like, a HUGE ass house. It's old, and has all these rooms and wood and..I LOVE it. Has a massive garden, and with a duck pond. I get to have a rose garden. I have to be in love with Don, I can't even imagine that I could feel anything more, or stronger than I already do towards him. He made some comment about the age difference, him being twice my age. Like I even gave it any thought. I think you'd have liked him Pop's.

Well, I better get back to working. Such a nice day out I'd thought I'd start clearing the yard. Besides, a little exercises will do me the world of good. Actually a lot would do wonders before I start becoming a phyco hosed beast with a fat ass.

I miss you every day Pop's.