The first page?

I don?t know how to start this? I?ve never written a journal before. Well, here goes. I?m a no good, low life thief. I even stole this journal. I don?t even have a decent excuse for it, I just saw it and took it. I didn?t even want it, it just felt like a second nature to steal it. Maybe there?s just something wrong with me. Who knows?

This is a good a time as any to start this stupid journal, though since I just found out from Mark that I?m joining up with his caravan. Talk about depressing? I don?t so much mind being around him; it?s the rest of them that make my stomach churn. I thought Billie was going to have a cow when she found out. It turned into a really big fight, and Mark attempted to throw us together. I guess it?s one of those ?make your kids hug until they like each other? methods. I think I?d rather him bang our heads together.

The thing is, I don?t even have a problem with Billie?or I didn?t before she started acting like an uppity b? brat. I?d like to know what the hell I did to tie her pearly white undies in a bunch. Doesn?t matter, though. It?s like this wherever I go. Maybe I wasn?t meant to actually have friends.

I don?t understand their relationship, Mark and Billie. I mean, if I threw as many tantrums as she did, Gwen would probably have ripped every hair on my head off. Not that she could catch me. I?m not used to being close to people, so when I see them, I can?t help but feel a little sick. Still? I have no choice but to stick it out.

The whole reason I?m here is for some big mission. I?m surprised Mark picked the family f*** up to do the job. I guess it?s because I can run, sneak, and steal circles around just about anyone else. That?s probably not something I should add to my resume when I get kicked out of the family for screwing this up, too. Whatever?

Oh, and Levi told me I had no class tonight, among many other things. He?s right, I don?t have class, and I am a thief. The comment about me having sexually transmitted diseases was way off base, though. Way to make assumptions, jackass. I?m sure Billie does have more class than me, and I know he likes her. I guess children are his thing. Makes sense, since he?s a man-child who thinks he?s better than everyone else. Seriously what a ball-dropping butt zombie.

Anyways, I?m going to go to sleep now. I?m pretty drunk? I think complaining actually helped, I?ll have to do it more often.

The third page?

So? This was an interesting trip? And I don?t even know where to start. I guess I should?ve known it would be since it started with me losing my virginity in a public bathroom? Anyways, I?ll sum it up.

I slept most of the way, and then it was time. I snuck beautifully into the camp, and got the key. Unfortunately Mark said nothing about a guard dog... So I got busted. There were so many people jumping up and I thought for sure that I was going to die. There was this huge man that tried to grab me, and Mark saved my ass.

When I turned back around, Mark was fighting with the huge guy! So I ran over and kicked him in the head, but he didn?t seem phased at all! Then I realized he wasn?t fighting back, so I ran off to get the other people off of Mark. It didn?t take me long to lose the assh*les, and when I did, I met back up with Mark. That guy was with him? We all got into the jeep together and drove off. I?d have loved to see the looks on those guys? faces when they realized every one of their tires had been slashed. I?d pay good, stolen money to see that.

So they?re talking in the jeep and get this! That guy that almost grabbed me, was Mason Briggs! That guy could have dented my face in! They said a bunch of other stuff but I wasn?t paying much attention? Basically, he was on the other side, and joined our side. I?m glad for that, though? Having to explain that Mark had been killed by Mason would have been just awful. I don?t trust the guy, but I?m not going to say it out loud. There?s no point.

The ride home was otherwise uneventful. Mark and I boned, and that was neat. I got to spend the whole time in the front, I guess because Boss didn?t want a delicate lady around a possible mad man. Who knows? When we got back, I felt like shit. All the way up until I had a drink?

I know I?ve always joked around about being an alcoholic, but I never thought I actually was one until I dealt with withdraws. I?m an addict. Guess it could be worse? I?ve got a s*** resume anyways. May as well add that to it. I should really start dating these things, but hell? I don?t know what day it is half the time. I?ll try harder in the future.

09/18/2015

I can?t promise that these events will be in order. Been a while since I wrote?

Let?s start with the fact that Billie and I are getting along... I wouldn?t call her my friend, but I wouldn?t call anyone my friend so it works out, I guess. Everyone found out that I shagged Mark, and I hate that word? But anyways, I half expected her to hit me, and she didn?t. She actually tried to comfort me about it. She did tell me she never hated me and that I just came off as a bitch most of the time. That?s fair, because I do. Helps get people off my back I suppose. Whatever works, right?

I should have gone home that night, after talking to Billie. I should?ve just walked her home and been done with it, gone to bed. It was what Mark would have wanted me to do. Instead, I went out the back door because I was too busy being angry and drunk...

Wasn?t out there for more than two minutes before someone nearly took my head off. I?m talking full on psychosomatic assh*le and a f*cking half? When somebody I don?t know very well calls me by my actual name, it?s a huge red flag? So I took off, but, again I was drunk, and I wasn?t fast enough. He kicked me around like I was nothing and I?ve never felt so insignificant, so weak in my miserable existence. I couldn?t do a thing against him? and the worst part was, he made me break my whiskey bottle?and there was still whiskey in it! That psycho did something to me; he took away every sense of safety I have left to my name. Then he left me there, and I didn?t think I was going to get home?

When I finally did, Mason was there. I woke up and he was holding me, he?d bandaged up my hand? I don?t remember a whole lot of the night before. I remember seeing Mason, and that?s about it. He didn?t question me, he was just?there. I?ll have to repay him somehow.

Now here?s the interesting part? I think I had a one-night stand. His name is McSwaggerballs. He told me his real name, but I don?t remember it. I?ve seen him around the Inn a few times, and he came to camp. We talked, we swam?and by the end of the night, I realized I didn?t want to be alone. So I asked him if he wanted to see my collection of rare wallets. Thankfully, he took the hint, and yeah? Wow! For an oversized muscle head, he was amazing. I?ll never tell him that... It was nice actually sleeping with someone, being held afterwards.

It was only weird when he stuck around afterwards. I could tell I was making him angry, that he wanted to ring my undersized neck, but he didn?t?and he didn?t leave. Instead, he sat with me, and got me food and water? It was so confusing. There's probably more to say, but my hand hurts, and I'm out of words.

09/24/2015

I?ve never been so confused in my freaking life? Gerry came up to see me again today, and Gwen came out and did? Well you know the things she does. ?Ohhh look at those muscles?? ?Oh?beefcake! Ah you big hunk?a man candy!? It made me sick to my stomach? I?ve never wanted to hit her so bad in my life. Seriously it?s one thing to act all clean and perfect? but it?s another to be a flat out soulless bitch.

I couldn?t even watch. Gwen has taken everything from me? My ability to trust. My reputation in the family? Now, after coming back with all these promises to clean me up and take care of me, she did that. Right in front of me, too. But Gerry? He picked me. Me! I?ve never in a million years expected that to happen. I mean, she?s a soulless bitch, but she?s still a goddess. It did? He didn?t give her a second thought.

I?m not sure what I?m doing anymore? I finally found somebody who I think could make me happy. Someone who?s persistent and likes me despite everything that I am? Then Mark came up to me. Scolded me for having him around. Told me that it didn?t seem right, that he was probably a cop. I guess even the one person that?s supposed to be something of a friend and leader doesn?t think he could actually be into someone like me. I?ve never felt more stupid in my life, I took off running?and do you know who came after me? Not Mark. Not Gwen. Gerry. He asked me if I wanted to crash with him for a while? I?m at his place now, so you can guess what my answer was.

I haven?t made any decisions on whether or not it?s a permanent thing, but I get more and more angry with the family every day. Yeah, I had admitted to doing something to protect Gwen? but let?s face it, they all thought I was guilty before that. They had me pegged as guilty long before anything was set in stone. I don?t think I can forgive them? any of them. Molly knows the truth now, and it?ll only be a matter of time before everyone else does, too. I can deny it, but? Who knows? I know that if anybody apologizes to me, I?m going to lose my sh*t. Not that anyone?s focused on that. Billie?s eggo is preggo, and so Levi and her are pretty stuck on that. Then there?s the epic Mark, Molly, Gwen battle of 2015. Seriously what is with those two? I?ve been with Mark and he?s not all that great. He gets the job done, sure? but he?s about as unfeeling as me. Then again, Gerry wants to be with me. If Molly starts beating the snot out of Gwen, I might be tempted to help put the stupid princess in her place. I think staying away is the best option for now.

Oh, Gerry and I are a couple. Bye.

12/28/2015
It was my fault. I told him to go. He asked me what if he couldn?t get back? I told him it would be fine. Ginny knew what she was doing. She got here, she got him there. There shouldn?t have been a problem? I should have gone with him. I let my own fear of awkwardness get in the way of everything, and now I?m just as alone as I started out before him. I deserved this, I never actually deserved him in the first place.

I told him to go, it?s nobody?s fault but mine. It doesn?t make it hurt any less. I don?t think I can stay here, not in this apartment. Mark didn?t come back, either. Everyone?s gone. I can?t stay with Levi and Quinn. It?ll be a constant reminder of what I don?t have. I have to do this alone, but I have to. I don?t have a choice. Mark has always been good to me, I can?t deny that. The rest of the caravan, though? They were awful. With good reason for what they thought I did? But what about Nasya? What if she screws up? I can?t raise a baby here. Hell, Mark didn?t even come back, either? He probably bolted, too. I wouldn?t blame him. Everything is shit. It?s always shit.

I?ve gotta get out of here. I should?ve gotten out a long time ago. If I had, I wouldn?t be in this situation. I wouldn?t have a baby in my belly, I wouldn?t feel this way. I can?t even feel her move without feeling absolutely heartbroken. It?s hard? I?ve made friends. I love Levi and Quinn? I wish things could be different. They can?t. I know that, and I?ll take a piece of them with me wherever I go?but it has to anywhere but here. I got a new phone? I left Gerry the number. Maybe he?ll call me someday?

I have to go? Quinn and Levi are coming.