Gerry hadn?t come back home, Nasya?s crib was empty. The apartment was empty, Gerry and Ginny?s phone claimed that they were well out of the service area. Keirra hadn?t moved from the rocking chair, terrified of standing and losing control of her legs. She was sure things had gotten better. She was positive, but they couldn?t have if Gerry was so willing to take the baby without a word. Memories flooded her head as her blank expression stared ahead and she rocked idly.

The first memory, was when she first met him. The smile on his perfect face when he watched her drink that toxic liquid, and asked her why. She remembered being absolutely offended by his willingness to throw out perfectly intoxicating booze for little more than a foul taste. He had admired her dedication, and she, well she hated him as she often did with?well, anyone.

Gerry had come back to campside later; they?d played in the lake. Riya and Alexander had joined in a cruel game of keep-away with the poor man?s boxers. At that point, Keirra was bruised and beaten?and the last thing she wanted to do was sleep alone. So she invited him in, and he accepted. They?d kissed, they?d touched, and nobody was ever so tender and loving?and she?d never been so scared in her life.

There were a thousand memories, him constantly coming back. Through all the abuse, through all the hitting. She?d never forget the look on his face when she told him they weren?t friends. The way she watched his heartbreak. The way he yelled at her, got so frustrated with her, and yet fought for her every day. It took her so long to understand that she was worth it. Hell, it took her a long time to see that he was worth it. So she tried, tried for him harder than anyone she ever had in her life. She changed for him, she opened herself up to him. A conversation played in her head like a broken record, and the image of them laying by the lake together.

?I mean, you have to have at least one friend, right??

?Nope.?

?That?s gotta be really lonely.?

?I?d rather be alone. When you let yourself love someone, they just leave. And you?re stuck wondering what you did wrong. I?ll be alone forever if it means never having to feel that.?

?That?s the saddest thing I?ve ever heard??

At this point, Keirra was shaking in her seat. ?You promised,? she whispered softly. Swallowing hard, she pushed herself up onto thin legs, and wobbled across the floor, dragging her feet as she moved to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and heading towards the bedroom. She sat on the bed, refusing to cry. Refusing to show emotion. Half of the bottle was practically dumped down her throat. ?You promised,? hissed again. ?I was doing better. I was trying?? She guzzled the rest of the bottle and let the tears welling in her eyes roll down her porcelain skin. ?I WAS FUCKING TRYING!? she screamed, throwing the empty bottle at the mirror set up above the dresser. They shattered in unison, glass flying over the floor.

Keirra looked in a broken shard of the mirror, staring at half of her face as she lifted it in her hands. ?I?ll never try again,? she whispered her soft vow, and let her eyes fall shut. ?I will never let anyone in again. I believed you?? The splinter of mirror was tossed away, and she headed out of the room for another bottle. ?I?ll never believe again.?

Stumbling from the kitchen to the dining room, with a bottle of whiskey in hand, Keirra groped the wall for support. She?d only got up to use the bathroom and feed the dog?and of course, to grab another bottle?before she was heading back. Stopping there by the wall, she felt her weak knees wobble without grace. She was weak, malnourished, and everything was hazy.

Starscream had wolfed down her food, and was now sitting behind Keirra, whining lightly. She touched her nose to Keirra?s boney thigh which was uncovered. The only clothing she wore was a long shirt, and not for modesty?s sake. Watery eyes barely opened as that cold nose touched her, and the squeaky whine blessed her ringing ears. ?He?s not coming back,? she whispered in a hoarse tone, lyrics rasping out of her mouth.

The worst part was, in all of her foggy perception, memories of her husband and child were still clear in her mind. The day she?d first moved in was the freshest. The apartment was different, but the furniture and sentiment were alike. She?d remembered wanting to cook him breakfast, but with a life of thievery, lies, and misdeeds, she?d never taken the time to perfect her culinary skills. So, instead of eggs, and bacon, he?d got a poorly measured bowl of cereal with the grain to milk ratio way off. Back then, for Keirra, the gesture was absolutely kind, and he ate and opened up, and they fought, and she ran, and he chased.

Now? Keirra was alone with a worried pup, and a drinking problem. He?d left her, he?d given up on her? Part of her hated him?hated him?for leaving her like this? So why, then, would she still give anything to go back in time and relive those moments? Why would she give anything to have him back there, holding her, and assuring her that everything was going to be alright? There was something seriously wrong with her head.

Reeling her fist backward, she slammed it forwards into the wall. The paint cracked, and the blow (which was the sum of the last bit of her energy) barely dented the wall. There were previous holes in the wall from other occurrences of cognizance, but that was the smallest one. Her fist was battered, bruised and bloody; but she didn?t feel a thing. For what seemed like the thousandth time, since she?d condemned herself to the apartment, she sank to her knees and let out a soft sigh as her head met the wall and she just leaned there. A deep breath was taken in as if to try and refuel herself somehow, and in the same inhalation, she tilted the bottle back and dumped the liquid toxin down her throat.

Her phone was on her nightstand, but had no missed calls, she?d checked throughout the week for messages, for signs of life, but nothing, no one.

So, alone she sat, and alone she stayed in a pit of self destruction and a haze of emotions. One thing she knew for sure, no matter how much she hated him, she?d always love him?and she hated herself for that.