((Spelling..is written as she would write, so words will be spelled as SHE would spell them. Which means, there will be a lot of BAD spelling))


After years of sleeping in a real bed I will say, I do not miss this shyte one fecken bit. How the feck Mark sleeps on this? Jesus and the girl's room is even worse. Holy fecken hell, how old is the girl? I had ta ask, someone said she was 20 something. Nout could tell by the room, all the fecking pink girlie crap. Was going ta be sick if I stayed in there a moment longer.

Still waiting for Levi to show his fecken ass. I don't have time fer this shyte. Need ta get my ass back up there and take care of things.

Barlow is still wanten me to pull the plug. Want ta honor a mans dying wish, but been torn over this fer years now. I know Mark must think I'm a right cold, hard slapper, but nout ever a time when I'd see one of them and feel guilty knowing they Ma been alive all this time. Need be I have ta talk ta someone bout it, and Levi be sworn to client privacy or something like that. Kinda like doctor- patent thing..

Just need fecken Levi ta bring his happy ass. Tired of waiting around. No one done been rude, everyone nice but you think sometimes I gots a curse hangen over me head.

Jesus fechen CHRIST. So gets a message, and that daft silly mooncalf done left the paddock gate open. Ponies running free everywhere. If the place is still standing when I get back I'll be lucky.

Too much goin on these day ta figure out which way is up.

So I been doin some diggin inta situation with Keirra that landed her inda black. Were thinken ta set her ta rights with everyone. I gets someone comin' ta me with info tha' ain't matchen, thing nout be addin up. So I go diggin some more and this here little bird goes and informs me that it were nout the younger of da two sisters, but the older that did the dirty. Nout only that' but there seem ta be some recon tha' she done knowingly let her sister take the heat.

Ifin this is true there be somethin ta say fer that. Nout can be sure tho til I get me some pookering of me own done. So's I go an be findin this out right at same time old slapper come skankin her way inta camp. Ay went an done lost mah temper a little. What a fecken mess.

Everythin seems ta be spinnin round me head like someone flushed me down the loo. I gots Aaron common ta me and holy fecken shyte but I done forgot bout da things he can do with he his hands. Nout denying tha but I can't get Lad out of my head. I have got ta be the worlds biggest fool.

Tracey done got here last night and all fecken hell broke out. Fecken Levi juss can't leave be with shyte. Feck me. Went an got himself clocked inna head with a bottle by Tracey. Levi gets under my skin somethin awful but nout want ta see the fella done harm. Part o'ma think he were looken fer trouble cause he be hurtin with Billie an losing the baby an'all. I feel sorry fer the fella, nout somethin anyone should have'ta feel. gods sake I hope he's okay.

Feelins be mixed seein Trace. so many things from da past come back like a hammer ta me head tha it hurts ta think. I know it were a long time ago, but thoughts of Stevie come crashin down like the sky done fell. all I kept seein was tha' last moment and da look on his face when the gun went off. Been tryin ta wrap me head about it all but everythin is so convoluted and twisted like several puzzles all mixed up and ya nout the picture ta go by.

Trace be da only one I can trust with this, nout can tell Mark about it. Oi, I can see tha' conversation goin down real well. Oh, so yeah... I killed McAvery's son and buried his body in da woods, had his kid seven months later, gave it up an now someone got da info and tryin ta twist it over me head. Part o'me says ta juss come clean and tell him, but tha' were the night that took his Ma from him and it were cause of me. Nout got the stomach ta see the look on his face. Were bad enough last night, feck the look he gave me.

Trace were all eager last night ta get wha' he were owed. I dunno wha' it were ifin cause o'the connection with Stevie but I were all kinds of muddled in the head. Sex is sex, nout wrong with doin' somethin that feel good, I got no strings ta none so why the feck did I feel like a dirty fecken scank... like I were doin wrong? I dunno wha ta think only that nout the same asin bein with Lad an I no the words ta put to it. I dunno, perhaps its juss all in me head. Lad done come ta me time an time again nout for nothin but a good time when everone else wanted somethin from me. I must be gettin sentimental in me old age.

So, gunna send Tracey back into the McAvery camp ta set about the feels ta see ifin anyone go the itch about them. I need ta somehow distance meself from the Barlow camp, been tryin ta do tha' but I done made me promise an can nout break ta dead man.

Ipsworth were a small town, one of those one road in, one road out kind-of towns where da locals knew everyone an there were only one o'everything. One gas-station, one mechanic, one hotel, one grocery store, one Church. Com'ta think'o'it, there were more than one liquor store, and gun store. People sure did like their liquor and guns in those parts.

Lotsa trees fer huntin', lotsa deer and rabbit. Learned howta skin a rabbit bout time I were seven. Always struck me how da skin would just peel off like dat. Nevah made meh sad ta see 'em die till once I done seen all them little pink baby rabbits in her tummy, There had been six'o'em at least each no bigger than a grape. God, that fecken broke me'heart tha' did. Tha' when I opted nout ta eat rabbit no more. Still had'ta fecken skin'em thou didn't I.

So, back here I am again only this time it be to dig up da dead instead o'bury them. Little has changed out here, expecially where da old mine be locted. Nout hard ta locate. Once I remembered the details. Were still the betta part of'a day befer I located the exact place. Da metal metal box were still there. So I knew it were dah right place.

Nout bones, nout nothin' just the metal box and nout gun either. Someone done moved it. Juss a fecken pit o'paper in da box. "I own you." were all it said.

My head be pounding like I got a whole team o'Irish glog dancers goin' ta town with all da bull-shyte tha' be slung bout da place these days. Feck-me, why things gots ta be so damn twisted all da time an all this drama keep circling over-head like vultures waitin' fer da next person to die.

Why Billie done called ta me in dealin' wif this shyte, but then 'haps she be knowin' I was nout gunna pussy-foot 'bout an codle, 'haps then again she simply had nout else ta turn ta. Who be knowin' da reason or wha' be goin' though da girl's head save fer thinkin' she somehow juss nout measure up. Always done said Levi were wrong fer that girl but she had ta learn fer herself. Heart knows wha' it feels and feels only wha' it knew. Can't say I nout got a wee bit o'simpathy fer the girl, cause the endin' o'things never be easy even when two people are copacetic. And dis damn sure were no simple endin'. Billie got too much heart fer the likes things o'that fashion. Nout sure all the shieldin' Ole Barlow and Mark done did o'her over da years done more harm than good in da end. What done is done tho.

Nout had chance ta talk wif Mark bout things, mah fecken phone, done loss the thing somewhere. But it were Aunt Rally's idea ta take Billie and head ta the farm, give the girl some space an time away from everyone ta heal. I be thinkin' the idea were good, sides, there be good kind people up tha' way an I be thinkin' a change scenery be doin' her some good.

Mark be all worried bout this situation with Tracey. it be an odd feelin' ta know he care like he do, somethin' tha' pulls at me nature like da draw-string of a bow. Be damned ifin I can do all this without him, even ifin I could, matter o'fact is I don't be wantin' ta. Mark be da only one I know fer certain that nout in play ta use me fer things. Which, reminds me I need ta speak wif him bout a job that done come into play. There some ponies be runnin' soon and the race be on the fix o'sorts. Someone need ta go'bout makin' bets ta raise the odds where needed. Nout tha' hard, juss means a little time on da road an there be a good chunk o'money stood ta be made from a few bets knowin' da fix be in.

Other than tha' all else seems ta be well. Twins, holy fecken shyte, twins. I'm gunna hav' fecken twins. Were a right shock that. Gunna see 'bout gettin' da mess sorted with Tracey so Mark can stop bein' so damned worried 'bout this threat. He got too much ta be dealin' wit and da stress be eatin' at him I know. He won't lean on me fer support, won't vent ta me 'bout things, nout sure ifin it's due ta me bein' knocked-up, then again' it were nout ever really like him ta unload on someone, he be needin' ta. I be thinkin' what we need is a good Christmas party an'some much needed good tidings. Everyone juss need ta let go of all da ugliness an' work tagetha fer da better o'da family.