Late in the night, Eva finally found her way back home. Climbing the stairs seemed to take more energy than she could muster, but she?d managed. Her clothes were dirty, bloody. She stripped them off and tossed them aside to throw away later. In the bathroom she turned the water on in the shower, letting it heat up while she shivered.

After she had arrived at the scene of the explosion, the chaos started to settle into an organized scene, wagons arriving to cart the most seriously injured to the hospital, and something of a triage being set up. Eva did her part as best she could, her familiarity with emergency medicine and working in poor conditions easing her abilities, even as the sun set on the scene leaving them in the dim light of torches and lanterns.

A few hours into the recovery, and the City Watch came to collect the remaining on-scene doctors and healers to bring them to the hospital. Eva had allowed herself to go along, but at the door they were taking down the names of the volunteers, so she faded back into the crowd and returned to the Marketplace.

There was no explanation for what had happened. No one seemed to be targeted. There was just death and destruction. She?d known the Marketplace had been dangerous for a while, but this was beyond muggers and pickpockets.

Eva looked up at herself in the mirror, steadying herself on the edge of the sink. Her cheeks looked hollow and there were dark circles under her eyes. She almost looked like a corpse herself. She just stared. There?d been children. Dead children. She tried to shake the image from her mind, turning to step into the steaming shower.

Blood and filth washed down her body to the drain. The water was too hot, but something kept her from turning it down. Instead she picked up the soap and scrubbed her body, head to toe, her skin red from the scalding water. Her finger nails scratched her skin, steam rising around her. Still she shivered.

People are going to die, and they?re going to die while you?re working on them, with your hands in their bodies. People are going to die, and you may even be responsible for their deaths. People are going to die right in front of you and it?s going to happen more often than you can imagine. Accept that now, because you won?t have time to deal with it when you?re working.

Eva had never forgotten that lecture. The way her professor kept repeating the words 'people are going to die'. She could remember taking it in and accepting those words, but they had never prepared her for how it felt. A few years later and she?d learned to separate the bodies from the person. She could work as if the blood and the guts were wholly separate from the mother, father, son or daughter that lay on the table before her.

It wasn?t the work that made Eva shake. She didn?t get queasy thinking about bloody wounds or people dying. But something about this was different. Maybe it was the scope. She?d never seen a war, but she could imagine that the explosion in the Marketplace was a glimpse of what a war would look like. So many people, so many innocents. It so easily could have been her.

Eva tried to shake it off again and again as she got dressed. She couldn?t stop the shivering though. She picked up a sweater jacket, and slid it on, pulling it around her tight. Still she shivered. Looking down at her hands, Eva watched her normally steady fingers shaking. She balled her hands into fists and rubbed them on her thighs. What was happening with her?

The bang on the door startled her, her body jumping, and her head turning to look. For a brief moment she thought it would be someone coming for her services again, but she just couldn?t work anymore. Then she heard the sound of Tucker?s voice.

Eva hurried down the stairs, her bare feet making muffled thumps on them, and pulled open the door. Her tired eyes glistened at the sight of him as if she were just about to cry. She took a deep breath filled with relief and sighed, ?Perceval.?

Eva didn?t ask for permission, or even hesitate. She just took what she needed. She stepped forward, resting her hands on either side of his torso, and pressed her face against his chest, letting her body rest against the strength of him.

Is it your job to mourn the dead? Is it your job to cry for them? No. It?s your job to move on to the next patient that can be saved.

Eva could feel the ferocity of Tucker?s panic deep inside of her as he held her tight, and it somehow stilled her own fear, the trembling of her body easing against him. She could hear the pounding of his heart, feel the heat of his body, the rise and fall of his chest with every breath. When he pulled away to look at her, he could see that she was doing everything she could not to cry. Still she met his eyes with hers - tired, scared, sad, and so relieved he?d come for her.

?Tell me you?re okay.?

Eva nodded, one hand twisted in the bottom of his shirt holding onto him, the other rested on his chest.

?I?m fine, just a little shook up. I was here and I heard it? I mean, I felt it? so I just got my stuff, and? and I went over to help? to help with the wounded?? She shook her head and looked down finally, embarrassed as her nose reddened and a few tears escaped her eyes. She cursed and stepped back into the shadows of her doorway, still holding onto his shirt with one hand, the other lifting to wipe her face. She kept her body half turned away as if crying in front of him was shameful.

?I?m sorry Tucker? I should have left when you told me to? If I?d listened to you I wouldn?t have been here, and it wouldn?t have? it wouldn?t have? well you wouldn?t have had to come all this way??

Emotions passed over Tucker?s face like swift storm clouds, and Eva couldn?t read them fast enough. Just when she thought she knew what he was thinking or feeling, his expression changed, a frown to a smile and then back again, and Eva could just sense that something complicated was happening inside of him.

His words of support felt strange to her, as if he was talking about some other person, someone fearless and strong. Did he see her as some sort of hero? The woman in front of him was crying and mere moments before she?d been trembling like a newborn calf. Was he looking at her? At Eva? It wasn?t that what he said was untrue. It just wasn?t how she saw herself, and it seemed impossible that someone as strong and moral as Tucker would want to be anything like her.

?As far as my coming all this way, Eva, know this; when you need me, I will always come for you.?

A quiet sigh passed over her lips. There was a proper response. A profession of love or some sort of reciprocation of sentiments. But they both knew they weren?t there yet. Eva didn?t know what to say. His words were spoken with the intensity of truth and she believed them, but for Eva, most promises had a way of eventually nullifying themselves.

Eva finally released his shirt from her clutch, her hands sliding down his arms to take his hands in hers, bringing them up between them. She turned his hands palms up, her thumbs stroking over his skin, her eyes cast downward to watch. Then she bent her head and kissed them gently, her soft lips pressing against his workman?s hands, one at a time. She didn?t hurry the gesture, taking her time as she stood before him in her doorway, as if the gesture were all she had to offer, and she wanted him to know that it meant more than she could express.

With another soft sigh, she raised her chin and looked up at him, his hands still resting in hers. ?It?s late.? She paused a moment and then pressed on. ?Come inside.?

As Tucker backed into the alleyway, the excuse tumbling awkwardly out of his mouth, Eva took a step forward as if she were going to follow him onto the street. He was obviously embarrassed about something, or uncomfortable. Was he so afraid of being alone with her? She hadn?t thought she was inviting him to her bed, but if that?s where they ended up would it be so bad? For a brief moment, Eva considered stepping out into the street, grabbing hold of him and forcing him to just kiss her. But instead she stopped at the edge of the door frame and looked down. Her feet were bare and she felt the cold of the night air for the first time since he'd arrived. Eva pulled her sweater around her, arms crossing over her waist and looked back up at him.

?I understand.? Eva said it, but the words fell flat. She raised her chin and nodded towards him. ?Go on.? She was accustomed to watching him leave, but after a short pause, Eva just turned and stepped back into the darkness of her apartment, the door shutting behind her with a slam.

Just inside Eva winced at the bang of the door. She hadn?t meant to shut it so hard. Too late now. With a heavy sigh, she climbed the stairs. Maybe she should have just told him, maybe she should have just said Tucker, I really don?t want to be alone tonight. You don?t even have to touch me if you don?t want to. Eva sighed again. How pathetic.

Maybe his affection for her was paternal. He was older than her after all, but that age difference certainly didn?t stem her attraction. Maybe he wasn?t attracted to her physically. Maybe she was intimidating him somehow. Maybe... maybe? maybe? her maybes could go on forever.

Eva shut the light off, and sat on the edge of her bed in the darkness. She could still hear the sound of the screams in her head. She could feel the thump of the explosion inside of her body, the rattling of her bones. She could feel the slippery blood beneath her feet. The shivers returned with a flinching of her muscles, as if someone were sneaking up on her.

For a brief moment, Tucker had provided her comfort, made her feel cared for and protected. But almost as quickly, he?d snatched it away. Respite over, Eva curled into bed in her clothes, closed her eyes, and tried to recall the feeling of Tucker?s arms around her. Still, she shivered.

After a nearly sleepless night plagued with nightmares, Eva arranged herself in the chair at the back of the bookstore and reached for the phone. Gus answered on the third ring. ?Hello?? Behind him she could hear the sounds of the family having breakfast.

?Hey Gus, it?s Eli.?

?Hey Eli, how?s it going??

Eva was tempted to spill her guts, to confess everything that happened with Tucker in a cathartic rush. She couldn?t do that to him though. Not to her brother either. No, there was only one person in her family she would even consider talking to about a relationship problem.

?I?m okay?hey Gus? can I talk to Meredith??

There was a long stretch of silence on Gus? end of the line. Eva and Meredith had never been what one would call friendly. Their relationship was polite if distant, as if both women were being exceptionally careful not to offend each other. Eva was not oblivious to how uncomfortable it must be for Meredith to have her husband?s ex-wife still so close to the family, and she respected the woman for the way she handled it, generous with her children, Eva?s nephews, and lacking even a hint of jealousy. But neither of them ever tried to force a friendship on the other.

?Uh, sure? hang on??

?And can you have her take it in the bedroom??

Another pause, while Eva listened to the morning routine of her family behind them, the chattering of her oldest nephew.

?Sure? Meredith?? Gus? voice grew distant as if he was holding the phone away. ?Elinor wants to speak with you.?

?With me?? Eva could hear the bewilderment in Meredith?s voice as a wood chair scraped across the floor. There was the sound of Meredith handing off her youngest to Gus, and more chattering of Eva?s nephew, until Meredith picked up in the bedroom and the sounds of the kitchen disappeared with a click.

?Hi Elinor.?

Eva could hear the creak of the bed as Meredith sat down. Eva didn?t know where to start. She rested her head against the back of the chair and looked up at the ceiling.

?I?ve? got a problem? and I thought? maybe you could offer a new perspective or something.?

?Okay???

?I met someone here??

?Oh. Your old friend? Gus mentioned him.?

?No, not Ghost, someone new.?

?Okay???

?His name is Tucker? Perceval Tucker? he?s a tree farmer, or he is now, he used to be a soldier.? Eva went on to describe him, giving Meredith the broad strokes with some details thrown in here and there, and then going over the backwards and forwards that comprised their relationship up until the day before.

?He sounds like a good man. Cautious. Shy? I don?t think it?s unreasonable of him to want you to finish what you had with Ghost before moving on to him.?

?I know? it?s just? well there?s more, I just? don?t tell Gus or John.?

?Okay???

Eva described the events of the previous day starting with the explosion, then with Tucker. Meredith was silent on the other end of the line as she listened.

?If you had just seen the look on his face when I opened the door, he must care about me a little bit, I mean? he looked like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. But then ten minutes later he?s just? bugged out or something? I feel like he keeps rejecting me over and over.?

?Oh, Elinor.? Meredith sighed, and Eva could hear the displeasure in her voice.

?What??

?He?s not rejecting you, he?s probably just nervous. You admitted yourself that it might have seemed like you were inviting him up for sex. Don't you think that would be rushing things?"

"I don't know -"

"- and you said he was older right? Maybe it?s been a while for him.?

?What do you mean? You mean like -?

?- I don?t know, and I?m not going to guess. You just need to be patient. Or if you can?t be patient, you?re going to have to take the lead. Some men need to be guided.?

Eva sighed. There was something bothering her, but she didn't know if she could admit it to Meredith. She took a breath, and asked quick and quiet. ?Do you think it?s my scar? Do you think it turns him off??

Meredith was quiet for a moment before answering. ?If that?s the case, is there anything you can do about it??

Eva closed her eyes and shook her head. As much as it hurt her to consider that possibility, she appreciated Meredith's honest answer. There was silence for a few seconds, and then finally Meredith pressed on.

"I'm sure he likes he you. If you like him too, you should go after him."

"I don't know, I mean, I'm just not sure what he's feeling."

?You're not sure what he's feeling? Elinor, let me put it another way ? this man shows up at your door, frantic and scared for you, grabs you and holds you, wipes your tears, tells you that he will always be there for you ? and then you slam your door in his face??

?Oh god.? Eva leaned forward, dropping her head into her hand, holding the phone to her ear. ?I really screwed up, didn?t I?? Her voice was muffled and pathetic. Meredith laughed on the other end of the line.

?Yeah.?

Eva cursed and shook her head. ?What am I gonna do??

?You have to fix it, that?s all.?

?Fix it??

?Apologize.?

?Apologize.? Eva sighed. Apologize. She could do that. If he?d ever give her the time of day again.